Episode 112 - Dean Lamp

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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Bovinopt Hawk Plus.

I've actually begun adding Bovinopt to my own diet, and my eyesight has become almost too good.

Until now, I hadn't noticed how terrible my own personal appearance had become.

My wife Margaret will often tell me that my face looks like a bin bag full of shit that's been recovered from a sunken passenger ferry.

And now that my eyesight is pin sharp, I've had to apologise to her and say, Margaret, I'm sorry, you're right, I do look awful.

And you look like a scarecrow made from rotten turkey mints.

Anyway, crime.

It's everywhere.

Whether it be the teenagers in my cul-de-sac who set fire to my garden furniture, or the white-collar criminals who had the brass knackers to sell such an explosively flammable wicker three-piece.

Sorry, it just rankles.

Wicker is so expensive.

Genuinely wicker.

But could the dairy industry be the key to reducing re-offending?

To find out, I spoke to career criminal and friend of the show, Dean Lamp.

We last spoke to Dean after he had been released from a Turkish prison due to an admin error.

He had been locked up after attempting to steal a bejewelled dagger from an Istanbul museum.

Dean returned to Wales and is currently serving a prison sentence in Swansea, where he is enrolled on the Milk for Your Freedom pilot scheme, about which we'll hear more later.

Dean Lamp, thanks so much for inviting me here to your cell.

And

yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

I wanted to find out how Dean had found himself back in prison.

Dean told me that when he returned to Wales, he had decided to try and put his life of crime behind him.

I decided, in essence, to start thinking about my pension plan.

Right.

Which, when you're a career criminal is doing, you've seen this in films, one last big job.

So basically to get enough money that you maybe don't have to work again.

You're out of the game.

You're out of the game.

Great.

Yeah.

Dean was inspired to do this by one of his friends in the South Wales criminal fraternity.

A friend of mine did one last big job.

He was hired by

a man I will not name, but he's the mayor of Bilth.

He's the current mayor of Bilth.

He's the current mayor of Bilth.

Or maybe not Wink.

Quite easy to look up who that is, then.

Oh, you could look it up.

Yeah.

Or shouldn't it?

Or not the Mayor of Bill.

Did I say Mayor of Bilf?

I meant

not him.

Okay.

Yeah.

So your friend was hired by a man who may or may not be a man.

Who is not, for the purposes of this conversation, the mayor of Bilth.

Okay.

And he was hired for

500 quid to steal the Mona Lisa.

For 500 quid.

Yeah.

To steal the world's most prominent work of art.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No messing.

Spoiler alert, he didn't manage that, did he?

Because, you know,

it's still hanging in the Louvre.

Yeah, he failed miserably.

He got the shit kicked out of by the French.

What was his plan then?

Just walk in, grab it?

Well, well, I'm proud to say he was inspired by my

previous shenanigans of trying to steal a big jewel dagger from an Istanbul museum by shimmying up the pipe on the outside.

Yes, but hang on.

You didn't succeed in doing that.

No, no, no, but he liked that bit.

Right.

He liked the first, he liked everything up to, but not including me falling through a ceiling and getting arrested by the Turks.

Right, okay.

But he was like, I'll shimmy.

He liked the shimmy part of the plan, is what he enjoyed.

The trouble is, he got all the way to Paris and realized that the Louvre, right, is a large, smooth pyramid.

So, and he bought the wrong shoes.

I think he was trying to do it in his socks, which is the worst way to do it.

So, he got about three feet up, slid down, busted his ankle.

And when the police came to say, what are you up to?

He said, I'm trying to steal a Malisa beer.

And they said, they just beat the piss out of him.

Okay, so a friend of yours in the criminal fraternity,

you know, doesn't pull off this big job, but it's, I guess it sows the seed in your mind, doesn't it?

That you could do one last job, get a big payout.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

500 quid is not enough to retire.

500 quid.

I would say that was the other.

Apart from wearing socks and trying to walk up the Louvre, I would say his other feeling was doing it for 500 quid.

I rounded that up a bit for what I wanted to a million quid.

It's a bit of a jump.

Yeah.

But I think that seems fair.

Well, that's one last job money, isn't it?

I would say a million quid feels one last job.

Okay, so when you're then casting about trying to find one last job, what were you looking for?

Luckily, I put myself on gum tree

and I got a message one evening from a man

who wanted me to steal a specific steal something to order for his mum.

okay

who is and i can i can i can i say who it is well of course yeah bonnie tyler the singer bonnie

singer bonnie tyler's son

was like i gotta get mum something for for i think his birthday yeah and he was like i think she likes dolphins i was like i'll do it so just to be clear bonnie tyler's son contacts you on gumtree yeah and says i'll give you a million quid if you can steal me a dolphin well i had to talk him over a bit of million because i said i want a million quid and he said well fuck it i'll just give a voucher you're just gonna go to claire's accessories or something

your mum's bonnie tyler you she deserves a dolphin and i didn't know that she especially deserved a dolphin because he had the reason he had a dolphin in his head is because last year for a birthday he had ruined a dolphin like viewing trip Okay, because

dolphin watching on a book.

And he'd misread, I think, the word watching and thought it said hunting.

And he shot one.

So he'd taken his mother dolphin watching and had shot.

No, he had taken his mother dolphin hunting.

But she thought it was dolphin watching.

Everyone thought it was dolphin watching.

He was the only one who got confused.

Rooming it for everyone.

There were kids at that board.

Anyway, he shot this dolphin full of blowholes.

And right, and that kind of soured the birthday trip, I'd imagine.

Yeah, somewhat.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

So his thinking was: I'll buy her a dolphin of her own to make up for the dolphin that I slayed.

Yeah, essentially.

Oh, yeah, I see that.

I see the logic there.

Okay.

And so you take the job?

I take the job on.

Then I said, I'll be back to you as soon as I've got you a dolphin.

So you take this job.

Yeah.

And then I guess you've got this mammoth task in front of you, which is you've got to find a dolphin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now that's not straightforward.

As it turns out, no.

You're quick off the mark, you are.

Harder than you thought then.

Oh, yeah, because my thinking was, I'll just go down the sea

and pick up a dolphin.

but i mean i don't know if it was related to the fact that one of them got shot last year and the rest are scattered but the uh there was very few well i mean i was on the beach for hours squinting and i didn't see one but there's uh there's obviously there's zoos but there's too many too many witnesses yeah too many witnesses in a zoo let's let's just run this as a thought experiment in a zoo what you're just wading in grabbing it exactly and then what there's probably hundreds of people watching hundreds of people watching and people work here going, Why are you dragging a dolphin through the car park?

Listen, I'm a pretty quick thinker, but I can't go, oh, this is my wife, or something.

They're gonna know it's not,

even if you made it up to look like a woman, lipstick, wig.

But then, when am I gonna have the chance to do that?

Plus, it's still gonna be wet, none of that's gonna stick on.

The lipstick's gonna come off, and the wig is I think a dolphin would look silly in a wig.

No one's gonna see a dolphin in a wig and go, Jessandra.

So, you cross that off the list, list.

Yeah.

So you've got, you can't go to the seas.

Can't go to the seas.

I did, but no use.

Yeah.

At the zoos, it's too visible.

Yeah.

There's a few dolphins in private hands or private tanks, I assume.

There are a lot of rugby internationals have got pet dolphins.

But they're formidable guys, right?

So

it's hard to drag a dolphin away from a rugby international.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to see me get into a fight with Colin Charvis over a dolphin.

Is it true that Scott Cornell's got a giant squid?

Oh, yeah, he's got a massive squid.

Massive squid.

He keeps it on the roof.

So

you ticked off all those ideas, and I guess you're, you know, you maybe were out of ideas at that stage.

Yeah, oh, no, I was, I was out of idea.

There was nothing.

And then I got lucky.

I got a knock on the door one day.

Right.

From someone who was leaving, you know, like there's little bits of paper that say things like, do you need your garden done?

Do you need your driveway paved?

Okay.

Would you like a dolphin psychiatrist?

And the answer to one of them was, yeah, maybe.

So, somebody fly at your home for a dolphin psychiatrist?

That's correct.

Is this a psychiatrist for a dolphin?

I could see, yes, I phrased it badly.

This is not a dolphin who is a psychiatrist.

Right, and it's not a psychiatrist who treats dolphins.

No, no, it's option three, it's someone who treats people in conjunction with a dolphin.

Right, so the dolphin helps the psychiatrist.

The dolphin is very much the Watson to the psychiatrist's Sherlock Holmes.

Hello, my name is Dr.

Clarice Troutman, and I'm a psychiatrist.

And thank you so much for having me on the programme.

I love talking about my work.

Well, Dr.

Clarice, thank you for coming on the programme because, I mean, you say you're a psychiatrist, but you're not just a psychiatrist, are you?

You're quite an unusual psychiatrist.

Tell me about your method and what it is you do that's different from a normal psychiatrist.

Right, yes, absolutely.

So I go door to door offering people help with any mental health challenges they might have.

I think far too much psychiatry happens in an office.

So I'm peripatetic.

I go to my clients.

Another thing I think is important is too much psychiatry happens when the patient's made an appointment.

Whereas I just turn up.

I turn up at your door.

You don't necessarily want me there.

And I deliver my method of psychiatry via via one of my dolphins and I'd just like to be really clear that I've never had sex with this dolphin.

Now as you say the peripatetic nature of your practice, the fact you do it in people's homes, that is quite different from how psychiatry works in the mainstream.

I think the dolphin element maybe is what people will probably center on as being the difference.

I have found that.

People seem to really

focus on that.

But I like to think all of my methods are revolutionary, not just the dolphin part.

But yeah, I mean, you've hit on exactly, people do focus on the dolphin thing.

I haven't had sex with the dolphin, though, so I don't know why people keep focusing on the dolphin, to be honest.

That's not something I've mentioned, actually.

I certainly haven't accused you of having sex with the dolphin.

No, but I just want to be really clear that I haven't had sex with the dolphin, and I don't know why you keep bringing it up, to be honest.

So anyway, I said in the flyer that she was doing at daughter-dawn, she was going going to be around like the next day about 12.

I thought, right, so I made sure I was in.

So, anyway, the next day, this dolphin psychiatrist turns up at 12, and she's dragging the dolphin in a sort of a wheelbarrow full of water with a flannel on it.

And she said, Do you need anything doing?

And I said, Yep.

Come on in, I said.

So, she comes in and she starts talking through what

she can do for me

with the dolphin thing.

I'm able to create a link between the mind of the dolphin and the mind of the patient.

I call it a mega mind.

And it really is extraordinary.

When it works and when it works well, it's incredible to see the mind of a patient linked with a dolphin that I've never had sex with.

And when you say linked,

what is the experience then like for the patient?

They feel that they are

one with the dolphin.

Is that what we're talking about?

That's right.

There's a sort of, it's a sort of hybrid mind.

So basically, she got a Scarp lead out.

Like from the back of an old

back of an old video, like chunky ones, right?

Yeah.

And then she took one end of that and she put it in the dolphin's blowhole.

And then very gently, she took the other one, the other end, and she shoved that at my ass.

A scar lead is a wonderful thing.

I've tried other leads.

I mean, name a lead.

I've tried it, you know,

VGA cables, HDMIs,

USB-C, but

none of them work as well as a SCART lead.

I mean, you say you've tried other cables, HDMI, a very useful cable these days.

What happens if you do, you know, stick an HDMI in the blowhole of a dolphin and then up the arse of the patient?

Well, I found that they go full dolphin.

The patient goes full dolphin.

What does that mean?

Well, that means, you know, literally leaving the family home, thinking that they can survive underwater.

Oh, so they kind of totally adopt the psyche of the dolphin.

That's it.

Yeah.

Too much has come down the cable, basically.

That's right.

That's right.

Because

it's a much faster data transference method.

So obviously, if you use an HDMI, just too much information is going to get processed too quickly and they're going to go full dolphin, you know.

Right.

And what happens then to the dolphin?

Because obviously, if the psyche of the dolphin is transferred to the human, they begin to feel that they are a dolphin.

What happens to the dolphin in that situation?

Exactly what you'd expect.

They become more and more human.

They adopt all of the traits of humanity.

So most of the dolphins that I tested the HDMIs on became very, very depressed.

Very depressed and very horny.

Those two emotions, I think, which sum up humanity, really.

Absolutely.

They really got into the genre cozy crime.

Just everything that it is to be human, really.

So I'm not sitting there because I couldn't sit down to that.

junk gyro be in a sort of a brace position.

Right.

And she said, right,

you and the dolphin, when I count down from 10,

you'll be one with the dolphin.

But she was right.

By the end of it, I'm a fucking dolphin, mentally.

I'm thinking like a dolphin.

So the mega mind has been created.

Has been, yes.

So how does, I mean, this is fascinating.

How does that then manifest itself?

You feel that you're a dolphin?

Or do you still feel there is any vestige of me?

It's still meat.

There's still meat.

Yeah.

It's basically still meat.

Yeah.

But I'm way more into krill all of a sudden.

You really fancy eating some krill?

Really fancy eating some krill.

I mean, the thing is, it wasn't completely strange to me because when I was five, my favourite show of all time was Flipper.

Right?

So I knew what it was like to be inside of a dolphin's mind.

Because it was on S4C and they dubbed it.

I don't know if you remember.

We had the Welsh language Flipper when I was growing up.

What's Flipper in Welsh?

Flipper.

So I was, it wasn't completely strange to me, but all of a sudden I'm like, oh, you know what?

I can feel that I want to eat fish, octopie.

In my head, I had, you know, like when people have like phantom limbs missing.

Yeah.

You know, and you can still feel it.

I felt like a hole in my back from a blow wall.

Yeah.

So, and there was that, and I felt my nose was bigger.

Okay.

So I assumed the same thing was happening for the dolphin.

Wait, so the dolphin was probably feeling that they were a career criminal called Dean.

Yeah, the dolphin was thinking, like, they're still thinking, I love krill, but they're also thinking I also like peroxide blondes in the late 50s, which is my brand.

So we're not separate we are basically we're all we were sharing the same enthusiasms and mind okay and then what's um what's dr clarice doing then she's just watching but she kept saying things like

do you feel more peaceful now right i said

puff in the ass yeah because i can still feel a scar bleed

but i'm like because the thing is a dolphin it lives a very peaceful life in it in under the waves the gentle sloshing

or not this one because he lives in a wheelbarrow but generally you have a peaceful life as a dolphin I felt in that moment that I knew a peace that I'd never known in in in life wow it's amazing yeah so it did work oh yeah definitely worth 15 quid there

where did you get the dolphins from

um

it that's a that's a really great question a few different places um I did rescue one from SeaWorld.

It was to sort of break in in the middle of the night.

Free Willie style.

Free Willie style, yeah.

That was my inspiration.

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't quite like free willy.

He didn't sort of jump triumphantly out of the tank.

Actually, I don't think he wanted to leave

at all.

But

I was the one with the hammer.

So

ultimately, he didn't have much choice in the matter.

And he's a very, he's very good.

He's actually one of my star patient transference dolphins.

So he's very, very good at it.

And I imagine he quite likes his life now.

It's a different type of captivity I suppose.

And the rest of the dolphin is just a mixture of gumtree, Facebook marketplace and eBay.

Obviously there's an ethical component to this.

Dolphins are very intelligent creatures.

They're second only to humans and very certain breeds of cow,

the Belgian ultra cranium being one of them, the Austrian yellow clever boy.

But, you know, people think of these animals as being very intelligent and thus there's a kind of different standard to how they should be treated, right and I think some people will think well shoving a scar lead in their blowhole and making them swap minds with troubled humans maybe isn't the right thing to be doing so what would you say to those people who maybe have a problem with what you're doing look for goodness sake I put a little flannel on its back to keep it wet you know I am thinking about this so just if the RSPCA could just get off my back that'd be great.

You know,

there are the highest standards of care.

It's actually quite a big flannel.

I am thinking about this.

And I just want to be clear, I haven't had sex with any of these dolphins.

So you're in this situation where you're having this incredible mind-meld experience.

But at the same time, I guess you're thinking, I also need to steal this thing.

Exactly.

That's in my head now.

I go, okay, right.

Phase one complete.

Got a dolphin.

Now, how am I going to steal it?

But then I realized, I've got a remote control dolphin, yeah?

Because I'm just controlling my mind now.

Me and a dolphin start chatting psychically in our heads, right?

And

would you say that took took place in English or is it a...

No, it was Welsh.

So I'm speaking in Welsh and he's replying in cliques.

Which you can understand that.

Because of the psychic link.

I'm not saying if we met on the street and talked in cliques in Welsh, I'm sure we wouldn't know what we were talking about.

But in psychic, you know, it was fine.

Yeah.

They sort of both fell silent for quite a while.

It was interesting.

And I got the impression that they were...

communicating with one another and that's normal you know but this was far more intense than usual they were locked into each other's eyes and um yeah i got the impression, I don't know whether this is right, that Dean was controlling the dolphin, was giving the dolphin instructions.

And I was like, right, listen, buddy, I'm going to steal you.

How do you feel about that?

And

he goes, good.

In clicks.

One cache is,

he says.

Oh, good.

So you...

So what should we do there?

Because I'm going to nick you.

And he's like,

champion.

So what should you do with this and he he said well how about I leap out of this wheelbarrow and hit her in the face with my big hard nose I said that's brilliant that's what I would do and he straight away he did like I said we were still linked though because he shot across the room and like so I'm being pulled along by my arshole and the next thing I know the dolphin's head whirs round eyes lock on me and uh the dolphin reared up and then catapulted itself towards me I fell back knocked my head on the floor, unconscious.

So she's unconscious.

I pull the cable out my arse, and we're just regular friends now, me and the dolphin.

So the cycling is gone, but I feel like we do still understand each other, just as pals now.

Yeah, okay.

So I heave him back into the wheelbarrow, and he's slippery because

he's a well, he's a 14-foot-tall, smooth, wet mammal.

But I got him in there at the end, and I thought, right.

So I've got a million quids worth of dolphin beer.

I thought, no mess and let's take it straight to Bonnie Tyler's house.

And we get there and Bonnie Tyler, she's got a big front garden

and as we're pulling up, I can see her in the garden.

I'm like, oh, she's having a kick about.

I thought she's having a kickabout.

She's playing football.

That's what I thought.

But as we got closer, and I'm looking through the fence, I realized she's got a big bucket.

And she's pulling someone out and she's kicking them across the garden.

She was drop kicking haddock across her garden.

Live haddock, just pelting it.

Wait, so she's kicking live haddock across her garden?

Yeah.

For what purpose?

Fun.

For fun.

She's grinning.

She's laughing.

And so you're fairly sure that she's basically abusing these haddocks?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's doing that for them.

Yeah, and they'll tip the iceberg.

Because I'm looking round, so at the moment, she's got this, like I said, she's got two buckets full of scrabbling haddock.

She's kicking them.

She's chucking starfish around like a fucking ninja.

Just generally, it's sea-based cruelty mayhem in her front garden.

You don't think she was training for the time when she could kick a live haddock into a dolphin's mouth?

Oh, no.

No, this wasn't...

This wasn't like...

This wasn't like putting your hand up flat to give a horse a sugar lump.

This was somebody enjoying making haddocks suffer.

And I feel she was getting warmed up to do the same to dolphins.

Really?

Do you think the reason that she wanted a dolphin was to abuse it?

Yeah.

Now I look back to that day where the dolphin got shot on her birthday.

Yeah.

I'm not sure.

I think the son did it at all.

Okay.

I think for her birthday, she asked to shoot a dolphin.

And she got a taste for it.

And now she wants as many brought to her house for her to make suffer as she clearly gets a kick from doing.

So obviously huge conflicted thoughts for you.

You've got on one hand, one million pounds if you hand over the dolphin.

On one hand, one million pounds.

Yeah.

On the other hand,

this dolphin is my friend.

You know exactly what Bonnie's going to do to that, or you strongly suspect that you know what Bonnie's going to do with that dolphin if you do hand it over.

And this, of course, is a dolphin that you now have a deep anal and psychic connection with.

Wow.

So, I mean, what did you do?

Couldn't do it.

I couldn't hand that dolphin over, knowing, or as you say, strongly suspecting what Bonnie would do to him.

So, I

went up to the gets

and I stared at her as she continually kicked.

Somebody brought another bucket of haddock.

She said tons going.

And I said, hi, Buddy Tyler, I said, I know your game.

You make sea life suffer for

your own filthy desires, I said.

I know you want a dolphin.

Not on my watch, I said.

You're not getting hands on my dolphin friend, I said.

Because you know what?

For the first time in my life, I finally took a stand on something.

I've lived nothing but a life of care.

I've never done any good in my entire life.

And now, staring at this woman with buckets of frightened haddock, I'm like, I gotta make a stand for something.

And I said to her,

I will be no part of helping you make a poor dolphin suffer.

And I turned away

and I went back to the car and I got in and I turned to the back seat where the dolphin was sitting.

And

I said, Don't worry,

you're safe now.

You're with Dean.

And he was dead.

I left the windows up, the heating on, and it was July.

He dried out.

So I'd fucking forgotten to put a flannel on his fucking head.

He was like a dried-out husk.

He was like a fucking big grey cashew.

Now, obviously, you know, I can see the emotion on your face, Dean.

I want to say very sorry to hear what happened.

I mean, obviously, that is your fault.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I take full responsibility for the fact that I kidnapped a dolphin, drove him to Bonnie Tyler's house and killed him.

And obviously that had legal ramifications then.

So basically, I got charged with assaulting a woman with a dolphin.

Which, to be fair, I mean, that was the dolphin that did that.

Because I told him to with my mind.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why.

That's that.

And then stealing a dolphin wheelbarrow.

wheelbarrow-that's five years.

Yeah, at one point, I was doing 13 or 20 with a dolphin in the back, that's illegal, and then ultimately killing a dolphin, which is which is frowned upon to the extent of 25 years.

Yes, and uh, putting a dolphin in the recycling bin, I put him in garden waste,

and that that carries a prison sentence.

I probably not on its own, but bear in mind everything else I'd done that day, right?

It all matters.

When I heard that Dean was was going to prison for a very long time,

well, I was jubilant.

It's justice in a way, isn't it?

Because, I mean, if you think about it, I'm down a dolphin, a wheelbarrow, and 15 quid.

And

so I'm really down on the deal.

So learning that he's going to prison for a very long time was, you know, was some recompense.

And the good news for you, I believe, is that you, obviously you can never replace a dolphin, but you have

new dolphins now.

I have actually got four new dolphins that I got from a condemned circus, so they were free.

Oh, great.

And I haven't had sex with any of them either.

Just I just want to make it very, very clear.

Well, Dr.

Clouise Troutman, thank you so much for this interview and best of luck with everything going forward.

Thank you.

And a final question.

Have you ever had sex with a dolphin?

Yes.

More after this.

Hello, sleepyheads.

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Night night.

Tell me, Mr.

Toppernard, what have you been experiencing?

I've been feeling very low.

A real lack of motivation.

Is the dolphin okay?

As long as the flannel's wet, wet, he's happy.

I'm good.

But are you happy?

Uh,

I feel like I'm looking at life through a sort of screen rather than living it.

Does that make sense?

Yes, of course.

Mr.

Toppenard, these feelings are very common and easily helped with my dolphin mega mind regime.

Is it cruel to the dolphin?

No, of course not.

And once this session is over, we won't be having sex with the dolphin.

Right.

This method was developed by Dr.

Valdez, a wonderful man who has helped so many people.

Dr.

Valdez?

Dr.

Valdez.

Dr.

Valdez?

Anyway, I'll start by inserting this scarlet into the dolphin's blowhole.

There we are.

And then, if you would please insert this end into your anus.

Sorry, did you say anus?

It should slide in quite easily.

Oh,

okay.

Um.

I think it's in

okay.

I'm going to count down from ten,

and by the time I get to zero, your mind will be connected to the dolphin.

You will be a mega mind.

Okay.

Ten,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two.

Oh, this is

this is so relaxing and peaceful.

I'm good.

I'm in the currents.

I'm one with the waves.

The sea just stretches on forever.

Oh, look at those

seaweed clusters waving in the currents.

This is...

this must be what heaven's like.

Oh, I'm flying, I'm free, I can.

I can swim wherever I want.

Oh, I feel short of breath.

I need to breathe.

I'll go to the surface.

Oh, I'll.

And breathing through my

my blowhole.

Oh, that.

That's a...

It's a bit strange, actually.

Just take a nice...

nice deep breath.

Ah, that's better.

Oh, the surface is so bright, and the air is so pure.

But I'm drawn down,

down now.

I'll swim down into the depths.

Oh, the the pull of the infinite blackness at the bottom of the ocean.

But wait.

What did what is this light?

The light of knowledge I can see.

It's the truth calling me.

One meat?

Two meats?

Three meats?

Yes.

Four meets.

Five...

meets?

No, no.

No, no, not that.

No.

No, I can't.

Oh.

Oh, God, no.

The darkness is...

It's closing in.

Oh, God, my nose is

so long and bottle-like.

No!

No, Dr.

Valdez!

Dr.

Valdez!

I don't want a bottle bottlenose!

Dr.

Valdez,

I want legs!

I want to breathe through my mouth and my nose.

I don't want to breathe through my back.

Dr.

Valdez!

Take this truth away from me!

I don't want to know it!

Hello, my name is Christian Toppenard, and I work in the rehabilitation of incarcerated people.

Christian Toppenard is in charge of Milk for Your Freedom, the rehabilitation scheme that Dean is currently part of.

The scheme places incarcerated offenders into dairy farms where through the experience of milking cows, they are prepared for release into mainstream society.

It's fascinating.

I mean, you and I well know the effect that a cow will have on a person.

Looking directly into the eyes of a cow, touching its sort of felty flank.

Any engagement with a cow can completely change a person's perspective on their life, on themselves, the way the world works.

It can make them believe in bigger things than themselves, in the dream of society, the dream of humanity working together, which many of these incarcerated people have long since forgotten.

You've mentioned, of course, looking to a cow's eye.

We all know what that can do.

The touch of the felty flank, the woolly haunch, the pillowy udders of a cow.

Even the tufty tail can really make a big difference to some people.

But how does this experience specifically rehabilitate them to...

to make their way back into mainstream society.

Well, as I say, it changes their perspective on things.

And you can tell that it's working because, as well as the immediate impact of seeing the effect that engagement with a cow has on them, we've actually been able to link their milking success, their yield of milk in a day, to the length of their sentence.

You see, so the more they milk, the more milk they produce from the cow, the lesser their sentence becomes.

Right, so that's giving them an incentive then to really get stuck in and learn how to milk a cow properly.

Absolutely, but more than that, it indicates their readiness to re-engage with society because milk yield, of course, is linked directly to the sensitivity of the milker, their ability to commune in some way with the cow.

The more milk you produce, the more sensitive a person you are, the more understanding, the more self-aware a person.

So someone who turns up at a dairy farm and they've committed a terrible crime or possibly been a disruptive influence within the prison, a violent influence, a hostile influence, they'll produce a squirt or two of milk in their first couple of sessions.

But very, very quickly, within a week or something, you'll see that they begin to yield a gallon, two, three gallons.

And by that point, what that means is that they are turning into someone who is capable of producing a three-gallon bucket yield.

And that is not someone who is then going to be capable of ever re-offending, certainly not in any extreme or violent way.

We are actively rehabilitating these people before our very eyes.

The first couple of weeks with the cows i felt nothing i i i was well i teeted because i was milking them but nothing emotional i mean right i just felt teet

but were you feeling numb because of what had happened you know you'd had this close relationship with another mammal which had gone exactly

and it's funny you should say that because and i don't know how this has happened they let me keep the scar lead

ah

so One day, when there was no one around, I shoved a scarlet up a cow's ass and then shoved it up my ass, and we get on great now.

Dean's absolutely wonderful.

He's done swimmingly with the programme.

It's so good to hear that Dean's doing well.

He's gone through so much

and he's caused a lot of hurt.

And I think, you know, he's a complicated character, certainly, but it's great to hear that he is finally

being rehabilitated in some way.

Oh, absolutely.

He's doing stunningly,

startlingly well.

He's able to coax milk out of them at a really quite alarming rate almost.

If the cows and he didn't seem so happy, it might almost be a concern.

I mean, he's getting quite a lot more milk out of a cow in a day than is supposed to be biologically possible.

I mean, we don't know how he's doing it.

I mean, the farmer's very happy, of course, but gosh, wow.

I've really come to understand cows, and they've come to understand me

and the yield of them.

Oh, so they're really quadrupled.

Right, so they're kicking out some dairy for you.

Kicking out some dairy.

Because the thing is, all we have wanted as a species from the cow for sent millennia is more milk but they never understood that's what we were after they have always assumed they must be happy with what i'm doing so i

little old me was the first person to explain to a cow more of that please and they're like great happy to do it we could have been doing this all along we just didn't have a cable about us and so you know you're creating this incredible yield milk wise and i believe that that is directly linked to your chances of parole and the length of your sentence.

Yeah,

that's a loophole in the British criminal system we didn't know about.

If you quadruple a cow's yield, that's a year off per milk kitten.

Right.

So, you started with a sentence of, I believe, well, life with a minimum of 45 years.

That's correct, yeah.

Yeah.

And what are you looking at now?

I'm out tomorrow.

Wow.

Dean.

I mean,

it's hard to know what to say.

I could say, congratulations, or I could say, you know, what a horrifying look into a completely dysfunctional justice system

Yeah.

So it's fair to say that Dean is the golden boy of your programme.

Oh, he's an absolute model pupil.

He's an example to the others.

He's taken to the dairy farming life like a dolphin to warm water.

Interesting that you use that particular analogy, given the nature of his crime, of course.

Well, we at the campaign, we're not actually told what crimes have been committed by the individual prisoners, you see, because that helps us to see them as human beings and not just the sum of their crime, not just as incarcerated people, but people.

I see.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

But did it

have something to do with dolphins?

Well, as you say, I don't know whether if it's appropriate for you to know, really, given that

you sort of alluded to what it was, and now just because I'm very close to dolphins myself,

did the crime involve dolphins?

Are you sure you want to know, Mr.

Topana?

We've started down this path now, so you might as well just tell me.

Well, Dean

stole a dolphin and then left it in the back of a car without a wet flannel on its head.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Oh my god, that's

that's terrible.

Yeah, it was it was a dolphin used by a travelling psychiatrist called um Dr.

Clarice Troutman.

I don't know if you've heard of her.

What?

No, no, no.

But one of Dr.

Clarice's dolphins.

No!

No, not the...

Oh,

no, not the poor sweet bottlenoses.

Oh, God, no, why?

They never hurt a soul.

They're just beautiful sea mammals.

They wouldn't do that.

Oh, no.

No!

Mr.

Toppinardi, are you okay?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,

I had one of the most profound experiences of my life with one of those dolphins.

With Dr.

Clarice.

She connected our minds.

Me and the dolphin as one, and well,

it was overwhelming.

It changed everything I understood about myself, my consciousness, about the world.

Dolphins, obviously.

It was utterly, utterly life-changing.

But I must make it clear I didn't have sex with the dolphin.

Well,

I didn't say you had.

No, I didn't.

So that's why I said that I didn't, because I didn't.

Sorry, I didn't assume you had.

And neither did Dota Clarice, neither of us.

We didn't.

Neither of us had sex with the dolphin.

Yeah, you couldn't.

You doubted.

Yeah, you doubted.

No, well, I didn't, so I don't want there to be any confusion about that.

So I didn't.

I didn't.

It's a kind of

maybe the lady protests too much type of thing.

No, no, well, you might say that, but there's no point saying it because I'm only saying that I didn't because I didn't.

I simply did not.

But did you have sex with a dolphin?

Yes.

A big thanks to Dean Lamp, Christian Toppenard, and Dr.

Clarice Traitman for those interviews.

Shortly after our interview, Dean was released from prison due to to his incredible milking ability.

However, within hours of his release, he had stolen a fire engine and driven it into an Ikea.

Not sure why, he's in custody, awaiting a court date.

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section.

where this month we've collated the top 100 most disrespectful things you could say to Formula One star Lewis Hamilton.

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Dan Thomas, Tom Crowley, and Gemma Arrasmith.

The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls.

911.

My husband!

It's my husband!

Calm down, please.

What about your husband?

He loads the dishwasher wrong.

Please help!

Please help me.

Where are you now, ma'am?

At the kitchen table, I was with my dad.

He mispronounces words intentionally.

There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes.

Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once.

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