Episode 113 - Agnes

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as a printed magazine, brought to you this month by Aristophanes Yogat, Extra Grill Key Edition.

And I have to say, it's really grill key.

Now, this month I spoke to lollipop lady, Jenny Baxter.

It might not immediately feel obvious why I'm talking to her on a beef and dairy industry focused podcast, but all will become clear.

Hello, I'm Jenny Baxter and I am a lollipop lady in the town of Hexley.

Hello, Jenny.

Thank you so much for talking with me today.

Now let's kick off with just a little bit of definition because I think we've got we've got listeners around the world.

And I don't think every country is lucky enough to have lollipop ladies and lollipop men.

So maybe you could tell us

what is a lollipop lady?

Well, they go by many different names across the globe.

Obviously, crossing guard, people will be familiar with.

Is that in the US?

It's the US and New Zealand, I believe.

But it it's mostly the lollipop people, lollipop persons, lollipop man, lady,

which has been popularized in this country.

And then abroad, we have crossing guards and then names that link to sort of other

sweet treats that children enjoy abroad.

So uh i it's all in different languages that I don't understand, but they're all basically sugar on a stick.

Yes, of course in France they've got the brioche boys.

Exactly.

And that is a little bit hurtful because it isn't boys mostly, but you know how these things get gendered.

It's always been the lollipop lady, and obviously I am a lollipop lady, but we do prefer lollipop persons or people.

Do you feel like in the US, for example, they have crossing guards, as you mentioned?

Do you feel like they get more respect because they've got, you know, the name crossing guard sounds quite formal and quite important.

And they are, of course, heavily armed as well.

Well, of course.

Do you think that makes a difference?

I have said again and again, if we're ever to make an impact in the community, we do need to be tooled up.

And the stick is good.

You know, it

comes in handy for battering and defence.

It is a shield of sorts.

But a piece would really set us apart, I think.

And, you know, you see armed officers in shopping centres these days.

And

they're dealing with children and pensioners.

And what am I doing if not that?

So I do think it would bring us in line with the rest of the world if we were just to carry maybe a small clock.

What about the counter-argument to that, which is that obviously,

and this is the argument often made with the police in this country, that if the police were to carry their own pistols and firearms, like they do in America, then the criminals would have to sort of join this kind of arms race.

And then suddenly they're armed, and then suddenly the police have to have bigger arms, and then suddenly the criminals have bigger arms.

And before you know it, you know, the police have got a grenade launcher, and the

common criminal's got a tank.

And that's where we end up.

Now, obviously, as a lollipop lady, your sort of foe is the motorist.

So in a world where you are armed, would that not lead to motorists arming themselves?

She'll be a motorist that isn't armed these days, but I think you've really hit the nail on the head with bigger arms.

I do think if the lollipop community would just simply more hench, if we had larger arms, I do think that would help in dragging motorists from vehicles.

That would help.

If they give you the gap of the window, you can really heave.

And

I've always believed that.

So it's fair say you're sort of a hands-on lollipop lady then?

I think most of us have to be now.

You know, this is a modern world.

We're not playing games anymore.

It's become

a very dangerous line of work.

People are quite unpleasant these days.

And I don't know what's done that.

It could be technology.

It could be something in the water and it could be the birds.

I don't know.

I've read things on the internet.

People are definitely more unpleasant.

Could it be vaping?

It could most certainly be vaping.

It could be the internet.

It could be birds.

It could be any of these things.

I think people listening might have a kind of more bucolic mental picture of life as a lollipop lady.

The idea of going out helping the elderly and infirm across the road or some children leaving school, a smile on your face.

You wave the lollipop at the motorist and they slow down,

come to a respectful halt.

And then you smile and giggle as the children run by.

Maybe they're playing a game of hopscotch

across the zebra crossing there.

Do you see what I mean?

There's a lovely picture, I think, that a lot of the public have.

It sounds like the reality, though, is far from that.

Well, the first mistake you've made there is smiling, because never show them a weakness, never show them a weakness.

To smile at a child these days is an open invitation to please spit in my face.

Yes, gone are the days of that lovely image of maybe crossing the road with a flower for your lollipop lady or the lollipop lady handing out sweets.

It just simply isn't that anymore.

We have to arm ourselves against the motorists, against the parents and against the children themselves who are, I do have to say this, horrible.

So your job is still very much to protect those children from the motorists.

Oh, I would die for them.

I'll protect them with my life.

It's their right to be horrible.

I understand that.

In a modern world, every child's right is to be as horrible as possible.

But

it has changed and we do need to be careful.

And we do need to be safe.

And I certainly just wouldn't go around goading an infant.

And a smile will do that.

A pleasantry will certainly do that.

What about giving out sweets?

You mentioned that.

Is that something that you ever did early in your career as a lollipop lady?

I wouldn't take a second to look away from them.

Just that one split second of checking my coat pocket for a humbug and I'm down.

It's that simple.

Be that a child, be that a team of children, because en masse, if you're rushed by something that's three foot tall, you're going down.

It doesn't seem like a.

People laugh at me.

People laugh at me all the time.

They say, Jenny, how can these pose a threat?

Well, have you ever been in a field with sheep when they've all gone mad at once?

They'll take you down.

And it's very much the same as your average six-year-old.

Well, of course, the average six-year-old has exactly the same amount of intellect as a sheep.

Yeah, but not the insulation, and that's what people are forgetting.

In ancient times, we, Greeks, would go to the oracle for the solution to our problems.

And what what were these problems?

Usually, not enough Greek milk or Greek.

And what was the solution?

More Grilk.

At Aristophanes Yogurts, we are working every day to pack more Greek into our products.

Where other yogurt producers think that they have added enough Greek, we say, hang on there, let me add just a bit more Grilk.

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Now let's talk about where it is you work because

it's fair to say that the town of Hexley presents a bit of a challenge for a lollipop person.

You know, you sketched out this image of a very hostile environment with horrible children and similarly horrible motorists.

But is it fair to say that Hexley is worse than elsewhere?

Because

it's fast becoming the UK's capital of car crashes.

Yes, and they're very proud of that.

It's being posted around the town.

They really

have taken pride in this.

It is the epicentre of the car crash.

It's also one of the fastest stretches of road in the country.

And it's also, you know, the teen pregnancy hotspot.

They've got a few titles and they're proud of all of them.

The car crashes,

the speeding on the roads, it's why my job has become so important in these parts.

So are you saying that it's a kind of source of actual civic pride for the people of Hexley that they are driving this fast?

Yeah, yes, they really do.

There, they talk about it in the pub.

There's a small cabal

meeting in the church hall once a week who are trying to get Hexley twinned with the Autobahn.

And that's a concept, not a place.

That's simply

the whole motorway network of Germany.

Yeah,

they see them as

kin, that this is their town, they should be able to do what speed they want.

And I believe it's the only town in Britain that's got a sign on the way in that says, please speed up.

Go for it you bastard yes that I mean they they raised the money for that and I mean it was a lovely day we had a fate I got to throw some sponges at motorists that have irked me in the past hey we all had a laugh that day but you know they they raised the money for their sign and they're bloody proud of it you're a hexley girl yourself you know this is part this is your culture born and bred and you know we all have our proclivities we all have the the things that keep us going my husband keeps wasps and that's quite an unpopular thing but you know how many people do you know that keep bees why not keep a wasp

He's not hurting anyone, though the wasps are, but that's

I think we are sort of a people that know who we are and we like things a certain way.

And you can't come here and tell us what the speed limit is, I suppose.

And I can understand that, but as I am a lollipop person,

it is difficult.

It puts me in an enviable position.

I know this is maybe not really the point of what we're talking about, but is he producing some kind of wasp honey?

No, he's not, because wasps don't make honey, do they, Graham?

They don't.

And

I remember we watched a documentary together years ago where a man taught himself to lactate, and I think it might be something along those lines that he genuinely believes if he nurtures these wasps, one day they're going to produce some sort of thing that we can spread on our toast.

And he's trying to deny that, but I can see the thought behind the eyes.

I've already said some pretty horrifying stats about life in Hexley to do with speed, for example.

Here's another stat.

Is this right?

The average length of a lollipop person's career in Hexley is six weeks.

Yeah.

Well,

I think that's optimistic, to be honest with you.

But yeah, it's roughly six weeks.

And they're not all dead.

But you've been doing it for, I believe, eight years.

How have you managed to go unscathed?

I've had many near misses.

Of course I have.

And I've seen things that I wouldn't care to draw for a therapist a third time.

But

I know I have to do

Now, people might be thinking, why is the Beef and Dairy Network talking to a lollipop lady?

This is all very interesting.

But what's this got to do with beef and dairy?

Well.

Well, indeed.

Tell me about the arrival of a cow called Agnes.

Sweet Agnes.

So we do put ourselves in the line of danger on a daily basis.

Those cars come at a heck of a speed.

And you're you're out there on your own.

You're on your own.

And one day, I just saw these beautiful black eyes cross the road.

And Agnes sauntered over and she stared at me.

And I thought, oh dear, don't try and cross this road, pet.

Because it's not just children I've seen moon down, of course, all sorts of animals.

I used to have one of their MySpy books and take them off how many different things I'd seen die, sometimes just in one day.

You'd be amazed at the sound a badger makes when it's hit.

It's much more acoustic and percussive than a deer.

People don't know these things.

But I thought, oh god, I'm going to be cleaning up a bigger carcass than usual today.

And then Agnes stood, she was so still,

so still, on the other side of the road.

And then a few of the kids came out of the school.

And I get them to wait until I think the time's right.

And I'll run into the road and scream, go, go, go!

And that's what they do.

They'll kind of cross the road.

And I run back.

And I catch my breath and we wait for the next gap.

One of these little kids just broke away.

And I couldn't catch him.

I tried to grab his strap.

That's nothing I could do.

And I have never seen such a large beast move so quickly.

Agnes got out in front of that vehicle.

And she took all of the impact of the car.

And I thought, that's it.

She's obliterated.

I didn't want to look up.

I knew what was facing us was quite the clean-up job.

And obviously, I heard the impact, like a thousand metal hands slapping a side of beef.

And when I looked up,

she just stood there.

And I'm going to say this, she smiled.

You know, you can argue whether she did or not, but she smiled at me, and she was intact.

She'd taken the impact of that vehicle.

There wasn't a mark on her.

And she took that impact.

That child crossed the road safely.

And she slowly turned around and walked away again.

I felt mad for a while.

I thought, have I imagined this?

But there was the car was written off.

The ben had seen it.

It felt something quite magical, quite spiritual.

But she was gone.

And then it happened again.

And I knew the second I saw it, the second I saw those black eyes, I thought, a kid's gonna run out today.

A kid's gonna run out today.

Before I've screamed at them to go, he's gonna run out.

Sure as chips, I was right.

Ten minutes later, the kids come out of school.

I'm trying to hold the line.

I'm trying desperately to hold the line, getting the kids back.

You know, I've got them quite scared.

I think it's safe to be scared.

And then all of a sudden, one broke rank.

Away he goes, and I knew it.

I knew it.

And out she comes.

Just, it was incredible.

I knew, she knew, she'd put herself there, and she'd put herself in the way of that vehicle, a smaller one this time.

And she took the impact again.

I thought no cow's going to withstand two vehicular twattens of this nature.

But

there she stood.

And there was that noise again.

And that first time I heard it, that sick metal thwack.

onto that that slap and metal beefy sound but that second time i heard it it felt a bit more like music because I knew she was going to be all right.

I knew it.

And I looked up, there she was.

And then she sauntered off again.

So you're sure that this cow is real?

Because I think

that's the question, isn't it?

Is this cow a cow?

Or is it some kind of angel?

I mean, in a way, every cow is an angel.

I think we can all agree.

I tell you what, before I wouldn't have agreed with you now, I absolutely would.

Every cow is an angel.

But now, wouldn't you think an angel would have some sort of ethereal glow?

That's what I've always been led to believe.

Yes, an angel, regardless of whether you think a man with feathered wings or simply a wheel of eyes, as is biblically accurate, there would be some sort of ethereal glow.

That's the one thing you're always imagining.

But there wasn't a bit of light coming from that cow.

If I could give up oxygen and breathe grill, I could do it.

Replace my lungs with Grilk gills.

Do it now.

Cut my flesh.

Now, please meet our mascot, Grillki.

Hello, I'm Grillki.

Very nice to meet you.

Very, very nice indeed.

Aristophanes Yogurts.

Keep it Greek.

Grill kid, baby.

Cut my flesh.

More.

After this.

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Now, Jenny, I believe that Agnes appeared to you five times and performed her miracle.

Although, actually, she did appear to you for a sixth time, didn't she?

She did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell me about that.

Well, again,

I'd got used to...

What was going to happen when I saw those beautiful shining eyes across the road?

I thought, oh, here we go.

Another one's going to make a break for it.

The kids never learn.

And I'd come to look forward to this now.

Just to feel our presence.

Were you at that stage?

Were you goading children to get into trouble in the hope that Agnes would appear?

Might I have shirked responsibility in a fleeting moment when I hadn't seen Agnes for months and I missed her.

I missed her.

All right, I'm going to say it.

I missed our presence.

It it it makes you feel like there might be a god.

And I know there's not a god because birds exist.

So it just made us in that moment feel a bit closer to divinity.

So am I willing to risk a child's life?

This is what you're saying.

Am I willing to risk a child's life in order to spend a moment in the presence of a kindly cow?

Well, that's what I want to know.

I mean,

you were seen, and you know, feel free, you know, you're here to give your side of the story, but you were seen producing what looked like a vape pen from your pocket, which was recorded as smelling like gross, sweet pineapple, synthetic pineapple smell.

You puffed the vape smoke towards the children as if to give them the scent,

and then you threw the vape pen into the road.

Is that true?

Yeah, well, I can see what it might look like.

I can,

but it's it's it's certainly not what you are insinuating.

Yes, those things happened.

I can't deny that, but but it's not in this uh nasty sort of way that that people are suggesting.

Simply,

Graham had heard on some wasp forums that vapes were a lovely way to control the wasps.

You've seen beekeepers, apiarists, with their little puffy things that lulls the bees to sleep.

Well, we thought, wouldn't it be nice to be able to leave the house every now and then by the front door rather than by the cat flap

and just put the wasps to sleep.

So, apparently, that these vapes, the pineapple one particularly, because wasps are drawn to flavours of a tropical nature, was a good thing to subdue the wasps.

He'd bought this vape, he tried it,

and he did end up in AE.

And, you know, normally they don't sting him that badly.

I do think they've come to understand he is trying to help them, but you know, they're wasps.

But something in that sickly sweet vape angered them and angered them bad.

Maybe wasps only like true pineapple.

Maybe they don't like the idea of just not smoking a proper cigarette.

Do you know what I mean?

But whatever it was, it deeply angered them.

It upset them.

And are you saying then that that explains why you had the vape on that day?

Is this what you're saying?

Is this your alibi?

He handed it to me on his way to the hospital.

He took himself because he wanted to drive quickly.

He handed it to me.

I shoved it in my work jacket.

That day.

I put my hand in my pocket without thinking and there's the vape.

And I thought, well, why not try it?

Why not say what all the fuss is about?

I took one drawer, it's disgusting.

I don't know what everyone's going on about.

Absolutely, it's exactly what you'd expect.

So, I'd been at a children's party, put your mouth round the smoke machine, and licking an air freshener at the same time.

Unbelievably horrible.

And it was so horrible, I just had to throw it as far and as hard as I could.

Never once thinking that the children would follow that.

It was the sixth time I saw those eyes.

Because she knew.

She always knew.

She knew better than me.

And Agnes, sorry.

Agnes

saved six kids that day.

That was the last time that Agnes saved a a child's life on your crossing.

It was, yeah, she went out with a bang.

Because she was hit by a transit van and.

I mean, she was almost vaporised.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why

why do you think it is then that she somehow very suddenly lost her ability to take an impact from a speeding vehicle?

I've asked myself this again and again.

Was it the vehicle?

I don't know.

Was it the amount of kids' lives she was saving?

All at once?

I don't know.

Was it the five massive vehicular hits she'd taken before that?

I don't know.

Was it the fact that the...

the children were goaded into the road by a lollipop lady who was desperate to see this benevolent and some might say angelic cow.

It was an accidental tossing of a repugnant smoking imitation.

In no way, in no way, did I lure those children into that road?

Simply in order to see a cow I believe is the closest to God.

I might never experience in my life.

Now, the

people might have heard of this.

It made the papers nationally.

Front page of the sun,

Bolognese bomb.

And that's putting it kindly, it really is.

I've never

seen a meat cloud.

It was incredible.

I mean, it really was incredible the way the light hit it.

It was.

It was quite something, but

I mean, it did stretch to the next village.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Now, I believe you've been fundraising for a statue.

Yes.

Yes, well, half, yes.

How much have you managed to raise so far?

£14.

Right, yeah.

I know it's not a lot, but, you know, every little bit is something.

It's a step closer.

Because that, to me, speaks of a community in which maybe a small number of people believe this cow to somehow be maybe spiritual or magical.

And the rest of the community really feeling like it's just

a nuisance animal that keeps walking into into the road and causing trouble.

Well, she's gone now, isn't she?

So they've not got much more to complain about.

And I'm doing all I can.

I really am.

I'm doing everything I can to raise money.

I'm also selling a mirror on Facebook Marketplace.

So if any of your listeners would just like to go on Facebook Marketplace, look for the town of Hexley and anyone selling mirrors.

I've tried to take the photo of the mirror without me in it.

And I've done quite well, but there is a number of wasps.

So you'll be able to identify the mirror by the number of wasp reflections you can see there.

I really am trying to get rid of that mirror, but that is all to raise money for the statue of Agnes.

Okay, well, better luck, Jenny.

Thank you.

And all the best with your continued work trying to slow down those drivers.

Oh, I'll be doing my best.

You better believe.

And if anyone does want to buy that mirror, that's Heck, the town of Hexley.

And it just says mirror for sale.

And then in brackets, not the wasps.

So if you wouldn't mind, that'd be great.

Thank you.

Right, so selling the mirror, you're not selling the wasps.

I mean, if somebody did want to buy the wasps off you that they see in the photograph, you know, with that money going towards the monument, is that something you consider?

Oh, I'd consider it all day long.

Absolutely.

I'd love to get rid of these wasps.

I mean, I'd have to speak to Graham.

But if you are interested in the wasps, I must stress

the picture that you see there, that's showing twice as many wasps.

You're seeing the wasps and the reflection of the wasps.

So, the wasps for sale are the physical wasps, not the reflection of the wasps.

So, if you're seeing 412 wasps, there, there is actually only 206.

Okay, yeah.

So, you don't want to be caught out, you know, it's not false advertising.

You're not saying I've got all these wasps.

Well, I mean, very much, I'm saying I've got all these wasps, but I'm not saying I've got twice as many as all of these wasps.

Yeah, yeah, gotcha.

Yeah, I've been stung before in every sense.

Well, best of luck to you, best luck to Graham, and uh, thanks for talking to me.

Thank you very much.

A big thanks to Jenny Baxter for that interview.

If you'd like to make a donation for the statue of Agnes or are interested in buying her mirror and wasps, but not the reflection of those wasps, there are links on our website.

Also, since I recorded that interview with Jenny, it has been announced that the heavily frog-inspired musicals empresario Andrew Lloyd-Weber has put together a musical about Agnes called Bifo Angelico.

It is a jukebox musical using songs by stars of the music music world who have been convicted of traffic offences, such as Justin Bieber and David Cassidy.

Also, just like in his hit train-focused musical Starlight Express, all of the performers will be on wheels.

In fact, they will each be inside their own top-of-the-line Hyundai i10, because the production will be presented in association with Hyundai.

The tour begins next year, starting at the Hippodrome in Aylesbury.

Aylesbury!

So that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we run down our top five fictional tortoises.

So until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Sammy Dobson and Antonis Vlavo.

And just before you go, may I remind you that we are doing a live show at the London Podcast Festival on Saturday, the 14th of September at 2pm.

And although tickets for being there have sold out, and thank you for buying those.

I look forward to seeing you there.

You can watch on a live stream.

And that obviously works anywhere.

So you can watch it if you're in Auckland, New Zealand, or Timbuktu.

Also, if due to time zones, if 2pm in the UK is not a good time for you to watch, if you buy a ticket for the live stream, you can watch it at a time of your choosing, I think,

for a week after the show.

I will leave a link for tickets in the show notes for this episode.

Some other things to tell you about.

On that same day, there is a live show by Tom Crowley.

Now, Tom Crowley is on the Beef and Dairy Network a lot.

A lot, a lot, a lot.

He's brilliant.

He's got his own podcast called Crowley Time.

Definitely check that out.

But if you're a fan of Crowley Time, his live show is on at 4 p.m.

So Beef and Dairy will be done at half past three.

And then you can go straight in to see Tom Crowley.

What a combo.

And finally, another live show bit of news.

This is from Helen Zoltzman, one of the first ever podcasters that I ever listened to.

And I'm a big fan of hers.

She's been on Beef and Dairy a few times, I think.

She does a podcast called The Allusionist, not The Illusionist, The Allusionist, which is all about language and its impact on our world.

It's a brilliant, brilliant podcast.

And she now lives in Canada, but she's back in the UK for a UK tour.

And her live shows are always great fun.

and involve Martin Austwick, who's also been on Beef and Dairy and who wrote a song about Sid Onion called Leave the Door Ajar, which is one of my favourite beef and dairy songs.

Anyway, they're doing a live tour of the UK.

They'll be in Newcastle, Glasgow, Manchester, Cambridge, Bristol, London, Birmingham, Edinburgh, Oxford, and not, sadly, Aylesbury.

Those dates are happening at this tail end of August and through September.

Go to www.theallusionist, A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N-I-S-T, dot org forward slash events.

To find out information about that, lovely.

All right, well, I'll see some of you at the live show in September.

I can't wait.

Until next time, goodbye.

Hey, this is Mike Cabillon, it's Yuadiway and Sierra Cato, the hosts of TV Chef Fantasy League, where we apply fantasy sports rules to cooking competition shows.

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