Episode 101 - Live At London Agrimedia Con 2023

Hello, today's show is an edited version of the live show we did at London Podcast Festival earlier this month.

There were some things in the show which were

too visual to include in this.

Hopefully the story still makes sense.

I think it does.

Or rather I should say that the bits of the story that won't make sense to you also didn't make a great deal of sense to the people in the room.

There's the odd bit where you might think, what are they laughing at?

I don't find this moment of silence funny.

Well that's usually because a joke of some sort appeared on the screen.

But I've tried to edit around that stuff, and I don't think you'll feel like you're missing out too much.

Here we go.

The Great Big British Birth Nanza Live

in association with Homeland.

Hello, and welcome to the the Great British Birth Nans Alive!

A live human birth streamed in 4K to the internet.

So hello to everyone watching on the stream and of course those brave enough to be here in the room.

If you haven't found them already, your ponchos should be under your seats.

My name is Dr.

Sam Archer, a doctor best known for my work on Channel 4's Embarrassing Penis,

Channel 5's Car Crash Anus,

HBO's Car Crash Anus USA,

Channel 5's Celebrity Euthanasia Live,

Channel 5's Friday Night X-Ray What's Up Your Ass edition,

and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals,

amongst others.

And I'm joined by the Parents To Be, so please give a big Berthanza welcome to the Bovine Aspect Bob Trescopic and his Palmatania.

So please introduce yourself to the audience and hear the.

I'm just getting the latest figures.

14 people on the stream.

Hello, I'm Tanya, a vivacious young soon-to-be MILF

from the Swansea area, and I'm having to give birth on a live stream to make money because my feckless partner Bob has driven us into a financial black hole.

Tanya, are you sure this is a good idea?

Maybe instead we could just borrow some money from a loan shark and fake our own deaths at sea.

please introduce yourself bob hello i'm bob triskovic i'm a bovine arsvet um

legally speaking i have to point out i'm not qualified in any formal sense but i am at heart a bovine arsevet and a very good one too uh just purely back street these days uh

but no one can read an arse like me uh if i could see an arse right now i'd read it like a book

The only arse I can see right now is you, Bob.

Tanya, come on.

Don't touch me.

Right.

Great to see the happy couple.

And before we get any further, I'd like to thank our sponsors, Hyundai and McRobertson's recreational epidural jacuzzis.

You don't know the true meaning of relaxation until you've lowered your legs into hot bubbly water and then turned off your nervous system.

Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?

Well, I'm about to give birth down a webcam, so unless you come bearing towels, I suggest you get out of here.

Sorry, we've booked this room for a live live show over the popular beef industry podcast, Beef and Dairy Network Podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

I knew I recognised you.

You're the one who ruined my wedding last year.

That's not how I remember it, Tanya.

You married Barry, the most boring man in the world.

A man whose entire personality was based around the fact he works in a pin factory.

And then seconds later, you decided to run away away with the glamorous and handsome bovine asphet, Bob Triskoffik.

Hi there.

Hi, Bob.

I think it's probably best if you use the room for the podcast.

I'm not sure this is a great idea.

Shut it, Bob.

You wouldn't know a good idea if it broke into your car.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You don't even have a car anymore because we had to sell your eye and I I-10.

We couldn't afford one anymore.

Please stay calm, Tanya.

Babies don't like stress.

It's why you'll never see a baby watching Squid Game.

Oh, and it's Dr.

Sam Archer, a doctor best known for such shows as Channel 4's Embarrassing Penis, Channel 5's Car Crash Anus, HBO's Car Crash Anus USA, Channel 5's Celebrity Euphranasia Live, Channel 5's Friday Night X-Ray, What's Up Your Ars Edition, and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals, amongst others.

And also, my GP.

Are my test results back yet?

Yes, I'm afraid they are.

Good news?

I obviously can't break patient confidentiality by saying too much in front of all these people.

Let's just say that there's no medical reason why it should be that colour.

Oh.

And it's not fungus.

It looks so much like fungus.

So, sorry, so what is going on here?

Well, this is the great big British birth Nanza live.

I know it's a bit of a mouthful, but we couldn't call it the crown because apparently that was taken.

We've been offered money by our sponsors Hyundai and McRobertson's recreational epidural jacuzzis for me to give birth live on the internet.

But who would want to watch that?

An unholy coalition of the scientifically curious and, of course,

perverts.

And I'd said perverts are the backbone of our viewership.

God bless them.

And I assume Dr.

Sam will be delivering the baby.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'd lose my license to practice if I was involved in this in a medical sense.

So I need to make clear that I am involved in entirely in my capacity as a TV doctor, which has no moral component whatsoever.

Okay, so who is going to be delivering the baby then?

Oh, Bob, you're going to do it.

I've delivered young for all sorts of animals over the years.

Cows, of course.

Kemholtz Beavers, a rare South American marmot with a vagina no wider than a human eyelash.

So Tanya will be a piece of cake.

Bob says he reckons the process is probably quite similar to delivering a calf.

Probably.

Well, with a calf, you basically stick your arm down into the elbow, then pull it out, lick it clean.

There you go.

Fresh beef.

And you were okay with this, Tanya?

I love to be, don't I?

The last you saw of us, we were happily eloping, but let me tell you, life with Bob over this past year hasn't been all champagne champagne and strawberries.

Things seemed perfect for a while.

We went on holiday to the German North Sea coast and danced in the frigid waves, laughing and laughing.

The freezing water creating a delicious contrast with the pints of boiling hot orangina we were drinking.

But when we came home, everything changed.

Of course, sexually, he still goes like a train.

By which I mean over the last year, he has regrettably plowed into a couple of cows.

I thought being married to a bovine aspect would be glamorous.

But the reality was that Bob would disappear on work trips for weeks at a time.

And I asked him, why do you have to work so much?

And how come there's so little money in our bank account?

It's then that he came clean.

Bob has been married and divorced nine times.

He has 17 children around the world, and he's paying child support for every single one of them.

Bob, is this true that you have 17 children?

Yes.

Bernard, Sadie, David, Jason, Ellie, Ariadne, Sandra, Ganny Mead, Timothy Marie, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, and Juan.

And of course, Timothy Chalamet.

You're the father of Timothy Chalamay.

Yes, and despite earning upwards of $10 million per film, I still have to send him 30 quid every fortnight, which apparently he spends on Mincha Melton Mowbray pork pies that he buys online.

So all of our money is going to child support for all these kids.

Well, that's not totally true.

One of them is now an adult, and I'm paying legal fees to try and get them out of prison in Florida.

But really, that's just a bit of a misunderstanding with the Cuban crime family, the CIA, half a ton of cocaine, a pickup truck full of stolen stolen alligators, and a shotgun.

It's quite the kinson era.

We're so low on money that basically this is the only thing that we can do to make money is live-stream the birth of our first child to perverts on the internet.

Come on, love.

It's not just perverts.

Some of the people watching are interested in seeing a vet do a doctor's job in a kind of job-swap way, in the same way that it would be fun to watch a tree surgeon and have a go at a heart transplant, or the builder from the village people do an extension.

Okay, well look, I understand your plights, but all these people here have come to see a live edition of their favourite beef and dairy industry podcast.

Give me a cheer if you're here to see beef and dairy live.

And give me a cheer if you're here to watch Tanya give birth.

Quite a lot of permits out there.

Well, do you know what?

I think we can do both.

Let's do this.

The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by by Glando, the latest gland-based energy drink from Mitchell's.

If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck.

Glando is made by taking all of the glands from a cow's body, combining them, and boiling them until clear.

But don't just take our word for it.

We're backed by valued celebrity spokesperson, the cyclist Lance Armstrong.

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That's Milk Mine Egg.

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

And this edition is a very special one as we're recording it live in front of a sold-out crowd.

Here at London Agri-MediaCon 2023, where a number of agricultural podcasts are doing special live editions.

Obviously, we're here, but also you can enjoy the likes of Three Veal Salad,

Judge John Hogman,

and of course the hardcore conspiracy theorist Meat Fundamentalists, No Such Thing as a Fish.

Now, before we continue, a quick message from London Agri-MediaCon 2023.

Thank you for attending London Agri-MediaCon 2023.

While London Agrimedia Con acknowledges the existence of four meets, this convention will only pay host to podcasts that focus on the top three.

We wish patrons to be wary of strung-out bow peepers, land dealers, and shepherds trying to gain entrance to the building in order to peddle their mince-slathered Kiwi street meet.

This year, we have had particular problems with shepherds massing at the perimeter fencing, and if you see this, please get the attention of a security guard who will do their best to non-lethally taser them until they are dead.

Thank you.

Now also performing here at London Agri MediaCon 2023 are friends of the show dance champion Kenny Barretone and his wife Yvonne.

Being the parents to 21 children including a cyclops with a laser eye

and a medical mega baby the size of a library,

Kenny and Yvonne know their fair bit about parenting.

And also, parenting is one of those popular niches in podcasting that are really taking off, like True Crime and Peter Crouch.

Which is why they've launched their parenting podcast this year, Kenny and Yvonne's Bullseye Babies.

So please welcome Kenny and Yvonne Barreto.

Howdy.

Hello.

Thanks for coming, guys.

Now, obviously lots has changed since we last spoke.

When we last spoke, you were on the cusp of a big move to Singapore.

Are you currently living in Singapore?

We are, yes.

Yeah, we've come all the way for this.

Wow.

Are you paying our travel?

I didn't offer to pay your travel.

As they say over there,

yes.

Now, obviously, the hope was that going over there, your medical mega baby Talbot would fit in better.

For those of you who don't know, Talbot is a huge baby who was a bane of farmers across the northwest as he would suck cows dry and tear horses in half, things like that.

And he was living in the sewers below Manchester.

First of all, how did you get Talbot over there to Singapore?

We lured him into a shipping container with a trail of horses.

And it had to be full of bread.

That's why there's no Grand National this year.

Taurum, but we did it.

We got him in.

And with the jockeys on the horses?

To start with, yes.

And then, you know, classic jockeys ended up smoking.

Sorry, what do you mean?

You show me a jockey that he's smoking a little cigarette.

They do it

before the horse, do the race, no sing it, off the horse, sing it.

Immediately.

Everybody knows this.

What's going on?

That's what stops them from growing.

So Talbot made his way through the horses.

Just tearing them in half?

No, he sucks them dry first and then gives them a tear.

It's easier to tear if they're dry.

We all know that, don't we?

And then into the shipping container.

Yeah.

Quickly shut the doors.

Yeah.

Onto a shipping...

a big ship, I guess.

A shipping ship?

You've heard of it, yeah.

Yeah.

You've seen any of the King Kong movies, you know, you get him in and it wasn't a normal shipping container, was it?

No, it was big, big shipping container.

That's the technical term for it.

I hope it's not going over everyone's heads, but it was a big

shipping control container, yeah.

And I assume you probably had to put something in the shipping container just to keep him going because that must have been, what, a six-week journey by sea to Singapore?

Oh, it got him.

I believed he hibernated.

Yeah.

He'd eaten so many horses.

That was it now for the rest of the turbulent seas.

He was fast asleep.

Yvonne was singing him the nursery behind Mondia, but you always sing him.

She's made it up as well.

It's not a classic off-the-shelf one.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd love to hear that.

It's just

very simple and very short.

It goes:

Sleep, big baby, drink your milk,

sleep, big baby, try not to kill.

And everybody's leaving.

Sleep big baby, drink your milk, milk, sleep.

Big baby, try not to kill.

See?

Six months.

She couldn't stop.

You were both in there with

him?

No, we were on top of it, but there was a little window, a little hatch that I could just lift up and poke my head through, sleep.

Big baby, you know the drill.

And and he'd, what was in there was like a big nipple.

For him, it was like a comfort thing.

And he'd sort of suckle on that.

There was no milk in it.

He didn't need it.

He was full.

He was a full baby.

Where do you get a big nipple from?

You can find him.

If you want to know, I'll send you the URL, but it will ruin your search algorithm.

Just one of the many assets stripped out of Blobbyland.

I don't know why it didn't work.

Okay, so you're in Singapore.

Kenny, I believe you've now left darts behind.

Obviously, you were a massive darts champion.

That's what everyone knows you for.

But darts isn't so big in Singapore, is it?

That, but truth be told, I've lost my puff.

Yes, no, famously, you would you shooed your hands and you would play darts by blowing the dart.

And you can't do that anymore.

No, now I've obviously moved, I've had to diversify

doing the vapes.

Now you mentioned this last time you were hoping to make a living by, and correct me if I'm wrong, vaping the sweat of businessmen in front of other businessmen.

Now you say it out loud, it sounds like someone almost made it up on the spot and

didn't think they'd ever have to think about it again, but yeah, I've been doing that a year now.

Anna Von, I know you've been concerned about Kenny because it's really bringing on the popcorn lung, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's just getting worse and worse, honestly.

When we go to bed, if we roll over and we face the same way, and he's sleeping with his mouth open, it smells like the foyer of a cinema,

but not a nice refurbished cinema, an old cinema where you can still have a little ciggy indoors,

like an Italian cinema, an Italian cinema.

I didn't want to say it, but we're all thinking it, an Italian cinema.

So, obviously, Talbot was disembarked from the ship.

How is he fitting in?

I know you were hoping that you could get involved in the.

There's a big baby fight club scene in Singapore, isn't there?

Yeah.

Where they kind of go at each other for money, I think.

Well, there was.

There was.

He absolutely, what they class as a big baby is nothing compared to Talbot, is it?

It's just a slightly large toddler, and needless to say, he absolutely tore through them.

Mushed them all up like I was making wine.

Do you know?

Baby wine.

You can sniff that there.

We are live streaming this.

Bye.

Hello.

Now, before you both moved to Singapore, you were living in a small terraced house in Bradford.

Yvonne, you were looking after Kenny's 21 children.

You were also there with his friend, Cam Mistress Sally Pottington.

Do you miss that situation?

Do you miss the kids?

How are the 21 kids doing?

Do you know what?

They're absolutely thriving without us.

Really?

Yeah, we left them there and they've sort of developed their own ecosystem.

Right.

Honestly, we couldn't have asked for better.

They've got a little town square, aren't they?

They've got a little town square, they've elected a mayor.

Yeah.

So.

So they've kind of created their own little civilisation.

Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.

And do you know what?

I wouldn't want to go back and ruin that.

Right.

So I'll happy leaving them forever.

And Sally Pottington, Kenny's former friend, shall we say?

Is she there with the children?

Or

she's around.

Sometimes she finds a way to sing a poe, doesn't she?

She says she's lost and she turns about the flat.

But that's all right, and I'm fine with it.

Obviously.

Sally and Kenny did have a frisson, if that's what you can call a shag.

And

I was a little bit annoyed at first, wasn't I?

But that's all water under the bridge, and you're a changed man.

We are just good friends.

Yeah.

And I needed to show her those things.

What have we got over here?

Those things, what we eat all the time.

Apples.

Apples.

Yeah.

I needed to.

I was telling her about them.

She needed to see them for herself.

I don't understand why you had to lock the door of the bedroom to show her, but that's alright.

a special edition batch tree the tree only produces one apple every hundred years

and it can only be eaten if it's seen by only two people all the flavour goes

all the flavour goes

she needed to see it she deserves to see it

Now, you two, obviously, you've got a lot of parenting experience, and so you've set up this parenting podcast, Kenny and Yvonne's Bullseye Babies.

What made you decide to start a podcast?

Money.

Podcast money doesn't seem like a very competitive landscape, to be honest with you.

So I feel like anyone can do it, and people show up.

It don't matter what you chat about.

There's like,

I really don't like my kids, and I wish I had them with Ron Beckett and Josh Whitticom, do you know what I mean?

There's three middle-aged beans in a salad.

I don't know.

Have you listened to that?

Three-veal salad?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

Gentle.

In there.

Very gentle.

No, obviously, every podcast needs a USP.

Yeah.

What does your podcast do differently that other parenting podcasts don't do?

Well, a lot of parenting podcasts obviously teach you how to look after your kids, but I think.

I'm right in saying we're the only one that teaches you how to defend against them.

There's a lot of talk about where to hide

strategies for fight and flight.

That's fight and flight.

Sometimes you need both.

Stop, drop and roll, that's a good one.

And just good...

Just good advice on where to find horses and jockeys and any other meats that your massive big mega baby might need.

And I'm proud to say, only podcast in the world produced by an omnipotent cyclops.

And also, Von, I believe that at the end of every podcast, you teach the listening audience a new nursery rhyme that you come up with.

Yeah, Kenny's good at these, actually.

Honestly, Kenny is so good at these.

And they're quite quick, I've heard.

They're like quite fast, fast, fast.

I mean, mean, they can go on for the full running time of the show.

Is anyone going to drop a beat?

No, okay.

All of you, babies in the world,

you really wish you could enjoy this apple.

But it can only be viewed by up to two people in its lifetime as well.

As the flavour goes, I'm sorry.

Blizzardsman, Kenny and the Morgan.

Hang on, everyone.

Before we sit down, I've got some news.

I was going to save it for our podcast, but I'm absolutely brimming with excitement.

Kenny, you didn't tell me about this.

What's this?

Yvonne's pregnant.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, love.

I've been monitoring you, piss.

Avia?

Of course, you're my wife.

What?

Kenny, that's so romantic.

But Kenny, we've not made love in months.

You said your popcorn lung couldn't stand it.

I know, last time we tried, I ended up coughing up salt, butter, and sweet caramel.

So, the situation, to be honest, it does have me asking questions.

I swear, on your 21 children's lives, the only thing that's been up there is the end of an old cricket bat.

Honestly,

no, I swear down.

Then, then, how, love?

Well, I don't know, Kenny.

Can we talk about this later?

Look, sorry to interrupt, but as someone who has given birth to a huge baby, do you have any advice for our also pregnant guest?

Yvonne, this is Tanya.

Hi, yeah.

Oh, hi, Tanya.

And this is her partner, Bob Triskothing.

Oh, Bob.

Hello, Yvonne.

Hang on.

You know Bob.

I put this out of my mind, but seeing Bob now, it's all coming back to me.

Washing over me like so many boiling hot oranginas, carelessly thrown back in the heat of the night.

It was the evening before I was due to fly out to Singapore, and I knew it was my last chance to experience the exquisite beauty of Bradford city centre.

It was a balmy night, and I remember my PVC bikini squeaked

as I walked down the high street.

My eyes hungrily absorbing all the things I knew I would no longer see in Singapore.

Hadakin chips, wrapped in newspaper, the headquarters of the Morrisons.

A 65-year-old woman wearing a sachet, Mother of the Bride, puking into the face of a police horse.

And then there was Bob.

assisting one of Bradford's many TB-ridden street pigs.

Our eyes locked, and instantly the atmosphere was electric.

And it wasn't just the huge amount of static created by my PVC bikini.

Within moments, we were on the back seat of his Hyundai I-10.

And he,

well, let's put it this way: it wasn't just the orangina that was hot.

Sexually, he went like a train.

Which by means I can piss on him as long as he's moving.

The next morning, I woke up in his car, covered in cold orangina, and he was gone.

So me and my PBC bikini walked straight to Heathrow Airport and flew to Singapore.

Gosh.

I mean, you'd have to think that Bob is probably the father.

Did you use protection at all?

No, I was always told you can't get pregnant if it's in a car.

I was also a firm believer in that rule, but you know, maybe he's right.

I can't believe you've got pregnant by a Vetivon.

I'm delighted.

The boy's not mine.

So I don't have to pay for it.

Another baritone added to the clan.

Scot-free.

Oh, great.

Right.

Well, back to the Great British Birth Nanza Live.

The Great Big British Birth Nansa

Live

in association with Hyundai.

Welcome back to the Great British Birth Nansa Live!

Sadly, no movement as yet.

It's beginning to look like trying to give birth during a specific 60-minute period was naive.

Luckily, whatever happens, I'm still getting paid in Hyundai's recreational epidurals.

Tanya, what's going on?

The baby's not coming.

And if I don't give birth in this hour slot, we don't get paid a penny.

We've tried everything: eating a pineapple, sex, eating a hot curry, having sex whilst eating a hot curry, having sex with a pineapple while Bob ate a curry.

Hi, you love Kenny Barreton here.

You know what worked for us?

I just looked directly at Yvonne's vulva and shouted, Out!

Yeah,

it was out within minutes and absolutely livid.

Oh yeah, it was proper pissed off.

Kenny and Yvonne, you're both now parenting gurus.

Do you have any other advice?

Just when it comes out,

have a good time.

Thank you, Kenny.

Now, Bob.

Obviously things are a bit different with cattle, Bob.

But what would you normally do with a cow that isn't giving birth?

There's a number of different methods, but what I'd usually do is just reverse a transit van into it.

And that works?

Not often, to be honest.

Okay, well, it seems like those of you on the live stream waiting for that baby will have to hang on.

And no for a word from our sponsor.

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So I.

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More after this.

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Now it's time to introduce our next guest.

Someone super recognizable to anyone in this room, yet we've never seen her face.

Of course, it's the hand model behind the Bovine Farmers Union Do It With Your Hands campaign.

It's Anne Ox!

Hello!

Now Anne, it's such a great pleasure to have you on the show.

Everyone's seen the posters, a campaign to get people back into the old ways of hand milking, and those are your hands.

Yes, that's right.

Those are my hands.

Now, I believe you weren't actually always a hand model, is that right?

No, no, I wasn't.

It was actually my current fiancée who encouraged me to be a hand model.

Before I met him, I was going nowhere.

I was a business coach who helped businesses branch out into desserts.

So hang on, how does that work?

Oh, well, let's roleplay.

You pretend you're from an ailing business.

Okay, so let's imagine I'm the CEO of a business that sells leather to car seat manufacturers.

Great.

Okay.

And what are the main challenges facing your business?

Oh, okay.

The rising cost of energy.

Brexit.

I'll stop you there.

Have you tried branching out into desserts?

I see the problem now.

Yeah.

So one day I asked myself, why have I gone into this line of business?

Was it because I was truly passionate about desserts?

Or was it because I sneezed at an auction and bought 100,000 trifles by mistake?

Ha ha.

I knew something needed to shift, but it wasn't until I met my fiancé and he suggested I become a hand model that my life changed.

And I'd like to introduce him tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, please meet my future husband, Barry.

Hello, everyone.

I work in a pin factory.

It's Jonathan Tomzano.

Barry.

Jonathan Tonzano, Barry.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Now,

this is a bit strange, but just to explain to the audience, we met me and you, Barry, at this very show last year in which you were married to Tanya, who then ran off with Bob Joscotic just moments later.

And that must have affected you terribly.

How have things changed for you, Barry?

Fundamentally, my life hasn't changed all that much.

Making pins, making pins, making pins all day.

Short pins, long pins, pins, pins, pins.

If the pins go wrong, we put them in the bins.

I make pins, pins, pins, pins.

Barry, it was weird when you did that last year, and it was weird again now.

I work in a pin factory.

I think we've got that, Baza.

But but but you don't just work in a pin factory, honey bun.

Tell them.

Well, I still work at the pin factory, but things have changed.

Shortly after I was left at the altar, everything changed when the three men who owned the pin factory sadly died.

They were my mentors, giants of men, the three kings of the British pin industry.

King pins, you could say.

No, a kingpin is a very specific kind of pin.

Right.

And I would know.

Yeah.

I work in a pin factory.

Got it.

He does work in a pin factory.

I know!

So you were telling me these three kings of the pin industry died?

Oh, yes.

It was awful.

Buck F.

Tuckins,

Tuck B.

Fuckins,

and Fuck T.

Buckins.

Wow.

So sad.

A reminder to us all.

Never eat prawns off a buffet that's in direct sunlight.

Unbeknownst to me, Buck, Tuck, and Fuck had all left their share of the factory to me.

And overnight, I became the boss.

Wow.

I own a pin factory.

And that's how we met.

I was brought in as a consultant and suggested they branch out into desserts.

And that day we learned a valuable lesson about never packaging desserts and pins in the same factory.

It was a disaster, but when I sat there watching her beautiful hands pulling 45 pins out of a single tiramisu,

I knew that those hands had to be the hands that held our pins in our advertising campaigns.

And I knew that those had to be the hands of my wife.

So I had a choice.

I had to either pay her to have her hands removed and grafted onto a different woman

or propose to her

and so Barry made me the happiest woman in the world he's kind generous and sexually he goes like a train

a rock hard high speed virgin

now Barry is it is it going to be awkward for you seeing Tanlia for the first time since she jilted you at the altar?

Barry, I just was listening over there to this sorry story, and

I think I can tell that you do miss me.

Tanya, even though on this very stage last year you married me and then, not two minutes later, ran away with Bob Triskothik, I'd like to say thank you.

I realised that I wasn't happy back then when we were together.

Oh, that's not true.

You're beside yourself with happiness.

I'm sorry, I wasn't.

Well, we're very happy too, aren't we?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, no, yeah.

I'm pleased for you.

I really am.

And to prove there's no hard feelings, I'd like to open this bottle of 1994 Chateau de Beef de Beef de Beef Fizzy Beef wine

in your honour.

That's very magnanimous of you, Barry.

Who wants some?

I know Anne does.

Um,

I won't, Barry.

Well, why not?

You love Chateau de beef de beef de beef.

Yes, I do love Chateau de Beef de Beef de Beef.

It's just, I...

It's just, I, um, I can't.

What do you mean?

Barry,

I'm pregnant.

But we've never made love.

You...

You said you were saving yourself until we got married to prove to me that you weren't just after me for my my money in Pin Factory, which now that I say it out loud doesn't make any sense.

No, I'm sorry, Barry.

Well, who have you slept with?

Sorry, Barry.

I got a call from my modelling agency.

A bovine arsvet was looking for someone with very small, very soft hands to gently remove a cyst from a tiny calf's anus.

When I arrived at the job, I was bewitched.

I couldn't take my eyes off the vet.

So much so, I wasn't really looking at what I was doing.

I didn't realize I was at the wrong end of the calf.

And well, that calf had to go and live on a farm.

A farm for calves that's eyes have been gently removed by very small, very soft hands.

After the procedure, the vet invited me into the back of his Hyundai i-10,

where he plugged in a mini-travel kettle into the cigarette lighter, warmed up the contents of a family-sized two-litre bottle of orangina,

and

well, let's just say that's not all he heated up.

He also heated up two smaller bottles of orangina.

It was the greatest night of my life.

Sexually, he goes like a train.

Insofar as what he did was so unusual, I felt I should report it to the British Transport Police.

See it.

Say it.

Sorted.

The morning came.

I woke up.

And he was just like that poor carved eyes.

Completely gone.

gosh

anything you'd like to say barry

no i work in a pin factory

the great big british birth nanza

live

in association with hyundai

i'm sorry birth fans the baby still isn't look tanya I've been thinking, I know we've got a history, but I don't like seeing you like this.

Giving birth to this room, absolutely packed to the rafters with perverts.

It's not right.

I own a £1.9 billion pin business, for goodness sake.

Please let me pay off your debts so you can give birth in private.

Barry, did you say £1.9 billion?

I own a pin factory.

Everyone,

I have some news.

I don't think the baby is Bob's.

What?

That's right.

I just want to check something.

You did say billion, didn't you, Barry?

That's right.

When Buck F.

Tuckins, Tuck B.

Fuckins, and fuck T Buckins left me the factory,

it was worth just shy of £1.9 billion.

Right, I'm sorry, Bob.

I think actually it's Barry that's the father.

But how can that be?

We haven't even seen each other for a year.

Well,

it's possible, isn't it, Bob?

Um, you're a vet, you know these things.

Uh, I'd say there are 1.9 billion crazy possibilities in this world, right?

Well, not really.

I mean,

if you were a rhino, maybe.

Well, I can think of 1.9 billion reasons why it might be the case.

Oh, I see.

Uh yes, well,

possible, certainly.

I think I read that sometimes when someone is really boring, their sperm takes a very long time to get there.

I wouldn't be surprised if Barry Sperm aren't stopping at every opportunity to tell different parts of Tanya's womb that they work at a baby factory.

This is a lot to take in.

You know what, Barry?

Maybe the simplest thing would be just split the 1.9 billion now.

Tell you what, I'll just take the 0.9.

What do you make of all this, Doctor Sam?

Look.

For many years, I was the in-house doctor on Jeremy Kyle.

And what I learned on that show was two

Firstly, just because someone doesn't have any teeth, it doesn't mean they can't bite you.

And secondly, a DNA test can bring great clarity to situations like this.

Oh, come on, we don't need to do that.

I'll take the 0.9 bill as a check, Barry, if that's easiest.

Or a traveller's check.

Or just loads of 50ps, however, you've got it, really.

I won't accept Scottish notes, though.

No, I think a DNA test is a good idea.

Okay, well, while Dr.

Sam readies the DNA test, it's time for another word from our sponsor.

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Right, so Dr.

Sam, is the DNA test ready?

Yes, already.

Before we go any further, apropos of nothing, I would also like to go on the record and say that

I have also had sex with Bob in the last year.

I thought I recognised you.

What can I say?

Sexually he goes like a train.

Where I live in rural Berkshire, for some reason on Sunday he won't come after 4 p.m.

Well, there we are.

Let's bring up Barry and Kenny.

Welcome back.

Yes, thank you all for your DNA samples, Bob and Barry.

And also thank you for throwing your hat into the ring as well, Kenny.

Well, you never know when you might win a prize.

But I do think I owe you an apology for the manner in which I delivered the DNA sample.

I didn't realise you could just do a swab.

So did you sleep with Tanya, Kenny?

I can't remember.

And when I was looking at the ceiling, she was wearing a Venetian mask.

I don't know.

Oh, for God's sake, Kenny.

So what we have here is my DNA test setup.

Just to talk you through it, that's one baby and three potential fathers.

It's what we call in medicine the full mamma mia.

Okay, so let's try Bob first.

Okay,

is Bob the daddy?

Ah.

That looks like a no.

How does that feel, Bob?

Well, I was looking forward to being a father again, but perhaps this way I can devote more time to Bernard, Sadie, David, Jason, Eliaria, Nessandra, Ganymede, Timothy, Marie, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan.

Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, and Juan.

And Timothy Chalamet?

Fuck Chalamet.

Buy your own miniature pork pies.

You're a fully grown actor.

Can I just clear something up, actually?

You said David Jason.

Are they separate people or are you the father of David Jason?

Yes, no, both.

Please take it away, Dr.

Sam.

Okay, next up, it is Barry!

Oh, Barry, the baby isn't yours.

Well, I'm relieved, actually.

It would only have got in the way of my work in the pin factory

where I work.

I work in a pin factory.

Okay, so it's not Bob.

And it's not Barry.

Kenny, I swear if this baby's yours, I'm going to set the Cyclops on you.

Steady, young love.

Let's see what the machine says.

Okay, let's see.

Okay.

Kenny is not yours.

Thank God I'm relieved.

For

I cannot sire another deadly mutant.

So, Dr.

Sam, if it's not Bob's, it's not Barry's, it's not Kenny's.

Whose is it?

Oh, okay.

Well, the machine says.

The machine says says virgin birth.

It's a virgin birth!

It's definitely an art.

So I should explain, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're a virgin, but it does mean that God is the father of your child.

Whoa, is this um

is this common in medicine?

More common than you think.

Um

one in 38 people is uh is an Immaculate Conception.

Wow, and Jesus just is like the main main one that people know about.

He's got the PR team, but there's plenty more.

Eamon Holmes?

He knows one.

Okay, just to mop up any confusion, Anne?

Yes.

Right.

The father of your child is Bob.

Oh.

I did have a feeling I can still smell the hot orangin.

And Yvonne?

Yes.

The reading that came back from your baby, Yvonne, is...

The screen says, the end of an old cricket bat.

It's a bend of old cricket bats!

How's that?

Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah.

That does make sense.

There's also something else rather disturbing in the DNA data, but I'm going to keep that to myself to build dramatic tension.

So hang on.

We've got a virgin birth,

shepherds trying to get into the venue.

The three kings of the pin industry.

An ox.

Away

in

our manger,

no crib for a bed.

The little

Lord Jesus lay down his beefhead.

The stars.

Oh my god!

Oh, and it's happening.

I think the baby's coming.

Okay, Tanya, it's time for you to switch to the close-up camera.

No, no, no.

No, I'll pay their debts.

Tanya doesn't need to give birth in front of all these perverts.

Go and have your baby in peace.

I work in a pin factory.

Thank you, Barry.

What are we gonna do, Kenny?

Yvonne, my beautiful Yvonne.

I want to bring up your cricket bat, son, as if it were my own.

However, it comes out, I'll take care of it.

That is my pledge.

And I'll use pledge.

If it's mainly wood, can't hurt.

We just don't know at this stage, do we?

Penny, the only reason we're in this predicament is because you won't stop vaping.

If it wasn't for your popcorn lung, I'd be sleeping with you rather than the end of an old cricket bat.

Thank you.

I love you, Yvonne, but just out of interest.

Which end of the cricket bat was it?

A lady never tells.

Come on, then, you big sausage.

Let's go.

Get this bat out of me.

Barry.

Barry.

The baby is Bob's, but

I want to stay with you.

And I'm not just staying with you for your 1.9 billion pin empire.

I want you to know that.

I know you're not.

That's why I've decided that I intend to give away all my money to a charity that provides pins to people who don't have pins.

Not for fuck's sake.

And the most important thing is with you, by

Anne?

Anne?

Where are you going, Anne?

Anne!

I work in a pin factory!

Look, Bob, I know the baby's not yours, but I want you to be his father.

Hearing about the way you slept with all those other women, it made me incredibly jealous.

And for some perverse reason, almost certainly to do with the relationship that I have with my own father,

it made me realize that you are the one for me.

Oh, Tanya, I'll never cheat on you again in a way you could possibly find out about.

Thank you, Bob.

That's so thoughtful.

The baby,

he's beautiful.

Isn't he?

My baby, Beef.

He's got your

beef.

I'm going to call him

Glenjamin.

Thank you.

Right at the end, there, what was revealed was that Tanya's baby

was like a roasting joint of beef.

I sort of have to tell you that, I think, for it to make sense.

But even then, I don't think it makes sense.

You know, now I look back on it a week hence.

Anyway, thanks to Tom Neenan, Tom Crowley, Anna Leong Brophy, Chris Cantrill, Amy Gledhill, Najee Kamal, and Mike Wozniak.

Also, thanks to Greg Johnson, who did visuals and videos on the day, which obviously you can't see here, but thanks to him nonetheless.

Also, of course, thanks to Linnaea Sage, the voice of Mitchell's, who appeared on screen.

What a treat that was.

And thanks to any of you who came.

What a great time we had.

If you would like to watch the show, I mean, you've heard most of it now, so you probably don't.

But if you would like to watch the show, which has got some extra bits in that...

you know, make no sense on audio, so we didn't put in.

It is possible to watch for a few more days.

You can buy a ticket and watch the stream.

I will put a link to that in the show notes for this podcast.

And you can see all of our beautiful costumes.

Anyway, until next time, beef out.

Hi,

this is Lori Kilmartin.

And I'm Jackie Cashin, and we have a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show on Max Fun, and it's very exciting because what do we talk about?

Comedy.

Stand-up comedy.

We both do stand-up comedy and have since the dawn of Christ.

Jackie.

Is that offensive?

It is offensive to me because you've aged me.

We started in the late 80s and we're still here.

You You can't kill us.

So go to the Jackie and Laurie Show on Max Fun and listen to that.

The Jackie and Laurie Show.

New episodes Monday.

Only on maximumfun.org.

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The Jackie and Laurie Show.

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