Episode 100 - Your Host's Hundredth Episode

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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition.

Now, this episode is my hundredth as host of the show after I took over from former presenter Paul Kitesworthy.

Yes, it's a milestone, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

I'm looking forward to this evening where there is a gala dinner taking place in my honour at the Montgolfier Golf Hotel and Golf Course and Golf Course.

How much of the gravy did he drink?

We need to pump out the gravy.

I'm of course looking forward to the food.

For the main course, guests can choose between Steak Alla Garden Centre or Beef Houses of Parliament, which will of course be followed by the trout course.

There will also be a bottomless trout fountain, a frozen milk luge and entertainment from the brass band of the RNLI.

Of course with the RNLI there is usually the danger that the brass band will be called away to sea at any moment but I've slipped them each an extra tenor and they've said they'll turn off their mobile phones.

Can you hear me?

How much gravy did you drink?

Hello, hello.

What's your name?

Do you have a name, sir?

We need to know how much gravy you've drunk.

So for today's show, obviously we thought about doing a sort of tribute show filled with well-wishing messages, an inspirational montage of my best moments, maybe a high-profile guest to talk about the impact that my work has had on the beef and dairy industries.

But myself and the team behind the show decided that the best tribute to the past hundred episodes would be to carry on with our laser-focused mission to cover the latest news from the beef and dairy industries.

Um, I'm gonna stop you there.

Oh, oh, sorry, really?

I'm just recording the intro.

Yeah, I know, but

happy hundred to you.

Happy hundred to you.

Look, we did have a meeting about this and we said we weren't going to do any special stuff.

I know, but I feel like, you know, you never celebrate yourself.

And I thought it'd be really nice just to kind of be happy about what you've achieved over the past hundred months.

That's actually really nice.

That's actually really nice.

Okay, you're welcome.

So, yeah, open the box in front of you.

Oh, I'd wondered what this was.

Okay.

Oh, you've got.

Okay, just so the listener understands what's happening.

You've bought me a lovely looking cake.

Yes.

Oh, that's so nice.

Just so the listener understands kind of what's happening here, you don't normally get to hear this.

What you're hearing is one of the team

just to paint the picture while we're in the studio and she's behind the glass talking to me over the talk back system.

She's been there for the past hundred episodes as well.

Yeah, loving it.

And maybe it's time to give you a bit of a shout out.

oh thank you that's that's so nice um yeah well so um i just want to say it's just been an honor past 100 episode episodes i've loved it um and also for their listener at home um to let them know that the cake is actually a beef tort

oh yeah oh nice right what so it's

what this cake is actually made of

of beef yeah yeah beef yeah

yeah honestly it's amazing what you can do these days with milled beef flour.

Sorry, did you say

you say milled beef flour?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a really interesting process, actually.

It's like once you've got all the meat that you can off the,

you know, off the animal, it's like the remaining bits of meat from the carcass and they kind of scrape it all off, dry it in a kiln, and it creates this really like beautiful flour.

So yeah, and we've also got a hundred candles on on top which took ages but uh you're worth it you know so anyway um

i guess i guess the idea is that i'm gonna light yeah okay yeah yeah yeah let's go

yeah

it's so cute wow it's um

it's really kicking off some heat that um oh yeah yeah that's deliberate um so the idea is that like the heat from the candles crisps up the top layer of beef and oh yeah sorry i have to say also they're edible tallow candles.

Wow, yeah.

Look, it's quite a lot of fumes.

Oh, hang on.

And that's quite a lot of flame, isn't it?

Yeah, hang on.

Actually, I think

this is getting out of hand.

Don't panic.

That's too much fire.

Oh, my God.

It's a tearing beefcake inferno.

Okay, okay, that shouldn't be happening.

I thought we had a sprinkler system.

It's going to kick in any second.

Oh, my God.

The sprinklers are firing out hot gravy.

Oh, God.

Hot gravy?

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Right, you'll you'll edit around that bit when the studio's on fire and i'm being showered by love hot gravy will you yeah yeah yeah yeah no honestly don't worry and i'm honest i'm so sorry the the beef tallow candles kind of um created a fat explosion didn't they they did they did create a fat explosion yeah which i was absolutely at the epicenter of so i know i'm so but but you know you did look you did look really

really

like fit weirdly oh yeah yeah

suited you quite like a kind of action hero sort of like coming out of the flame that kind of thing.

Yeah sort of.

Yeah.

Yeah you you you kind of look like Stephen Segal.

Wow.

Yeah.

I'm taking that as a compliment.

It is one.

Right, we better get on with it.

So okay.

So

this month.

Oh I'm speaking.

Do you want to maybe introduce me like to the listeners?

I'll be recognized.

I sort of have I guess.

No okay shall I do it?

I'm the producer of the Beef and Dairy Network.

Listeners, this is

Beverly, and she's.

It's like you're introducing me to your parents, isn't it?

Anyway, yeah.

Yeah, so this is Beverly, and she's one of the team.

But you can say my real name now.

Sorry, what?

My name's not Beverly, is it?

So

but

Sadie

no Susan

no

Joyce

Tessa yeah right that's so fun no come on just say that just okay that is funny but you can say that my real name now

Jonathan Tonzano

Kyla, my name's Kyla.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Kyla, yeah.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Kyla, you know it is.

No, no, I'm joking.

It's all a big joke.

Yes, Kyla, of course.

Sorry, I was joking.

I was joking.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Anyway,

I know we've done the whole cake thing.

Well, I have.

But I just...

I wanted to do something even more special for the 1000s.

No, we said we were just doing a normal episode.

We just said we were doing a normal episode.

Yeah, so anyway, this did take quite a lot of work, but I've managed to line up a huge interview.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Who is it?

Well, I want you to guess.

So we've talked about this person before as being like the big one, and they've finally agreed to do an interview over the phone.

Oh, my God.

No.

Sir Douglas Chope,

the inventor of the cordless afterbirth vacuum.

No.

But Lee Spikes, the pioneer of overhand milking?

No.

Not Pauline Tuckshop.

No.

Not Dr.

Pop Sandringham and his singing pig Topsham.

No, bigger guest than all of them, actually.

Or maybe not bigger than Topsham.

He is amazing.

Okay, so bigger than, or equally as big, as a pig that can sing and moonwalk.

No.

You did.

You didn't get.

No.

Yeah.

Former German Chancellor Angela.

Angela Merkel.

Sorry.

Sorry, I just need a moment.

So she's got like a brand new towel, towel and she's agreed to reveal the details of the new towel exclusively on the beef and dairy network.

Oh god.

I bet it's a really huge like bath sheet, you know, probably Egyptian cotton or actually, no, maybe something more patriotic, like a sort of German reed weave.

Yeah, okay, okay, she should be on the line for you now.

I'm just putting her through.

Okay, hello, Angler.

Or should I say

former Chancellor Merkel?

Mrs.

Merkel?

Your Highness?

Your Honour.

No, that's judges.

Frau?

Super Frau.

Hello?

I can't hear anything.

Hang on.

Oh, no.

I think...

I think

the cake's recombusting.

It's recombusting.

What?

How has this been allowed to happen?

What is...

How?

Hot gravy!

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Woohoo!

I'm really sorry I've got those candles that relight after you blow them out.

I just I thought it would be a fun party thing, but it's just a huge fire hazard, isn't it?

No, no, I get it.

Those candles are fun.

They are fun.

That's the thing.

Yeah.

But it has caused a huge fire again, but

the boiling hot gravy does seem to have put it out, so it's all right.

Look, listen, is Angela still on the line?

No, I'm sorry, I don't think so.

Let's play your recorded interview and try and get her back.

Okay.

So, we all remember where we were when former editor of the Beef and Dairy Network Paul Kitesworthy went missing.

For example, I was in my living room trying to work out when it wasn't too early to ring and offer my services as a replacement.

Then in 2019, a body was found in Woodland.

I say a body, it was just a head, lungs, liver and anus, which was identified as Paul's when the anus was sent off to Europol's ANAS, the European ANO notification and analysis system.

Last week, I caught up with the chief investigating officer on Paul's disappearance, DCI Dexter Watley, and also Paul's brother, Basil Kitesworthy, who over the past year has been trying to create something positive out of Paul's death.

I started by asking Basil to explain what he's been doing.

I felt the loss of my brother seismically.

I don't think that's an exaggeration.

And I felt the grief had obliterated me and any sort of life or agency I had.

And after four years of that, one feels one's spirit eroded, rather.

So, I thought there should be something more done to honor Paul and his work with the Beef and Dairy Network and elsewhere.

So,

I decided: what better way to honor Paul than to parade what we have left of him around the country ceremonially, so that people could salute or sing to

or shout at, however, they chose to worship a part of Paul.

And I thought, what more iconic element of Paul to take out with us than the anus, one of only four parts of his body recovered?

Now, I believe, Dexter, you received a phone call from Basil inquiring about the legality of exhuming his brother's anus from the family crypt and taking it around the country.

Is that the kind of call you're used to getting as a policeman?

It's not, but let's, I mean, let's not forget that I'm a detective chief inspector, so at Migrode, you have to be aware of that kind of

legal space really and it is perfectly legal for a family member to to to exhume an anus uh if that anus uh is already separated from the rest of the body so there's no issue that was actually one of my more pleasant moments in this whole fandango frankly it's been very difficult this time this whole investigation this loss of paul uh for me professionally uh and um it was nice to be able to give the family just a bit of simple clear good news absolutely go ahead grab that anus i mean if you are listening out there and you wish to exhume the anus of a family member if it is intact and attached to the rest of the body then you do have to go through there is some paperwork it does get a bit arduous after that but that was no no problem the problem is is really more basils after that is finding the right kind of artisan to

to get that anus back in in good nick uh for public consumption so to speak well basil i must say you know somebody's done a very good job on the anus it looks wonderful tell me about the process of of finding someone to to do that.

So, of course, an anus, particularly a partly decomposed anus, can be a less than appealing prospect to handle.

And as the officer correctly states, it's very difficult to find a craftsman, an artisan who can work in that medium.

But I did manage to find somebody who worked in pottery and somebody was particularly skilled with lacquer.

And they advised me that the best way to preserve Paul's anus was to have it lacquered.

And it really has been beautifully lacquered, I must say.

It's a wonderful tribute to the man I remember.

It's golden, it's burnished.

Yes, burnished golden anus.

That's right.

It's on a wonderful wooden oaken mount.

It's kind of mounted like a stag's head.

That's right.

If you can imagine a sort of a hod

for carrying bricks, but with a plaque bearing the name Paul Kitesworthy at the base.

And then on the back wall, so to speak, of the hod, the mounted golden burnished anus.

DCI Watley, what do you make of what Basil's done?

Especially given that you've really become emotionally invested in this case now.

Yes, I was very moved when

Basil

showed me the lacquered anus in its

portable HOD.

I mean,

I knew that their plans were to make a memorial of the anus.

What I was surprised by was that that memorial was going to be mobile.

Well, yes, and how mobile it has become.

Basil, what you've been doing over the past year or so really is incredible.

Thank you.

You have on foot taken Paul's Lacadenus around the country,

displaying it in local beef information centers, local libraries, garden centers, on a kind of mission, really, it seems, to let the public remember Paul.

Well, as you say, it began as a personal mission.

And I would approach any beef information center or library centre.

And really, I was in a sort of fugue state of grief, respect, or honour.

It was a religious experience, certainly, nothing less than that.

And so I began, I set off from London.

After many, many miles of walking, carrying this HOD, I ended up in Reading.

And the first building I came across was the public library.

And the lady on the desk at first asked me if I'd like to register.

Then she very quickly realized that I was in the throes of a religious experience.

And she looked up at

lacquered golden anus,

and without even reading the plaque, she uttered the words, Paul Kitesworthy.

And very quickly, she'd called the other librarians, all the other staff, cleaners, that sort of thing, around her, and they insisted that I stay for a day or two, or maybe a week, just to display the Hod and its holy offering.

and allow people to come and pay their respects.

So it became a matter of demand very quickly.

And it's gone further even than just coming to see the anus and quietly paying respects.

I've got a list here of things that the anus has been used for in the last year.

It's been put at the top of a May pole during the May Festival in Swindon.

Somebody swore on it instead of a Bible during a court case.

That's especially moving, yes.

That's now allowed.

It's been mounted on the altar at many weddings over the past year.

At King Charles's coronation, it was, in fact, looped around one of the prongs of the crown that was placed upon the king's head.

And

I couldn't have asked for a better tribute to Paul than that.

Now, Dexter,

when does this kind of thing begin to get the attention of the police?

This thing gained momentum very, very quickly, as you can imagine.

I mean, you heard Basil talking there about the fact this...

It sounds startling, that librarian recognising Paul.

But that happens a lot.

And actually, there is...

And just to be very clear, Dexter, before you go ahead, it's not because he was a a man who would bear his anus in public.

That's no, she didn't recognize it having seen it before.

She knew the tone and timor of his voice, and there is something about vocal recognition that keys in with the brain perfectly.

So, you may have never seen an anus before, but if you know the voice, you will recognize the anus, and vice versa.

And because of that, and because Basil was walking openly down roads and byways and highways, listeners of the Beavondairy Network were recognizing Paul from cars and bicycles.

Words spread like wildfire.

There are, of course, imitators as well.

People claimed that calamari rings, they'd been served in branches of weatherspoons, were depictions of the holy anus.

And somebody claimed they had a sort of a shroud of Paul, a tablecloth, which they said the image of Paul's anus had appeared on.

But, of course, it turned out it was just a tablecloth that somebody had sat on without wearing any pants.

So I'll now bring in someone who I believe is with you, Basil.

Her name is Raven Moon.

That's right, yes.

Hello, Raven.

Now, you are one of, and let me know if I've got this right.

You're calling yourself the Sisterhood of the Golden Anus, is that right?

Sisterhood of the Golden Anus, yes, yes.

Right.

Can you talk about how this started and what your organization is, really?

Oh, well, thank you for asking.

So I met Basil in Swindon.

That's right, yes.

One of the places where I held the anus in state for some time.

They found hard to let go of me, in fact, especially Raven.

That's right.

And

I mean, it's unconnected, but I've been going through a terrible patch in my life.

That's, I mean, it's not relevant, but it's just background.

And I saw Basil and I and I saw the lacquered anus.

And I don't know, just

it's like my whole world changed in that moment.

And I just knew that

I had to follow him and I had to follow the anus and the teachings of the anus.

And everything has changed for me since then.

And I think all of Basil's followers would would say the same that just that he provides he and the anus provide guidance

and sort of where before you know people oh my mortgage is really expensive and my life's falling apart and my best friend's not talking to me but the anus doesn't do that the anus brings order where there was chaos and

sits in in beatific silence that's right um maintaining the status quo and um that's it bringing harmony to people that's it's the effect it seems to have and uh

i just don't know where I'd be without it, really.

Raven is one of the more devout followers.

Raven, you talk about the teachings of the anus and indeed Basil.

So I guess what I'm interested in is

to what extent is this, or could this be described as a cult?

No, I don't like that word at all.

I find that word very affectionate.

It's the collective.

It's a collective.

It's a financially motivated religious collective.

And I've been in five cults in the past, so I know this is definitely not one.

Yes, and Raven has told me that as far as she's concerned, this is absolutely not a cult.

This is not a cult.

Where she has come to accept that the previous cults that she's been involved in.

They were cults, but this is totally different.

Right.

Diso Watley, obviously people get worried about cults and they might call the police about this kind of thing.

Is this something that's come into your radar?

I mean, I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about

this.

Most of all, really, because, you know, Basil and I, over the last few years, you know, a relationship has developed.

I would suggest with the greatest of respect to basil that there are some fringe elements around him uh that are

leaning that way sorry dexter remind me it's your birthday next week isn't it

um

yeah yes

yes i thought so i've i've got something for you just a little present but i can wait till after the interview to give it to you oh i want to tell what it is now but i don't know if i should tell you ruin the surprise well i i wonder if we perhaps should all right i'll tell you it's this um twenty thousand pounds in an envelope you said you wanted.

In summary, then, cult is not really a proper legal term.

In this country, we believe innocent until proven guilty.

Nothing has been proven.

What he's operating is a pilgrimage.

It's not a cult.

It's definitely not a cult.

No one has proved it is a cult.

And actually, they would be liable potentially to slander proceedings or libel proceedings were it to appear in print.

So I would urge the public not to use that term again.

Okay, well, I will refrain from using that term if that's legally prudent.

But, Raven,

as I say, I'm not going to say the C word, but I'm just going to talk about some facts on the ground.

Yeah.

Is it true that you consider yourself now to be

Basil's wife?

As far as we and the common law of England are concerned, we are husband and wife.

And then I passed all of the money in my bank account over to Basil.

Ceremonially.

Ceremonially.

And then that clinched the deal.

So, yes.

And she is my wife.

She is my

common law wedded wife, which is very different to the 20 or 30 brides of Anus who

fulfill some of the duties that might at times be considered those of a wife.

That's right.

And they have merged their bank accounts with yours as well, but that's sort of different.

It's bank accounts to mine.

That's right.

Yes.

And

Dito Watley, hearing that, that doesn't ring any alarm bells from a policing perspective.

Oh, Dexter, Dexter, that reminds me.

Do you remember that gold-plated Hyundai I-10 you were looking at in the dealership the other day?

Well,

I don't want to say too much, but there's a little surprise in the multi-story garage outside the studio.

Yes, thank you.

Happy birthday.

Once again.

No,

no alarm bells.

No alarm bells.

No alarm bells.

It's just

people going about their business.

Let's keep it small state.

This is Britain, okay?

And I'm a policeman.

I police by consent.

I'm not political police, not secret police.

I'm not interfering in how people operate perfectly legally with their

highly profitable polygamous marriages.

More from that interview later.

I don't think I've ever heard the word anus that many times before.

But first, hopefully we have Angela Merkel on the line.

Sorry, I don't know where she's gone.

I think she said she was going to towel off some garden furniture after a rain shower.

God's sake, why can't she just let them air dry?

Sorry, I don't know what to tell you.

Okay, more after this.

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Okay, still no angular, but we did another little special something for this special episode.

You didn't.

But we did.

You didn't.

We did.

You asked a composer to compose a bespoke musical theatre number about how important I am to the professional beef media landscape, and then engaged a full Hollywood orchestra and the cast of 60, including a hologram of Angela Lansbury, to perform and record it.

Can't make it unfortunately.

Got a guy who's altered the Wi-Fi and that has to take precedence.

I'm sure you'll understand.

Hello, Reverend Hilary Block here.

Blessed congratulations on the 100 EPS and blessed thanks for my invitation to the gala dinner held in your honour.

I, for one, would be delighted to come.

Unfortunately, I can't.

My internet is on the fritz, so I'll be waiting for the AOL technician to come and reinstall a new CD-ROM in the router.

Blessed, sorry.

Amen.

Hello, this is Teresa Beckton.

I'm a youth worker.

At one point, I was a youth worker.

Now I would describe myself as a lady of leisure and

I was

just sending this message to say congratulations

I'm very proud of you on your many episodes that you've done

I would have loved to come to the gala dinner but unfortunately

put it down

sorry and there's just somebody put it

sorry put

for goodness sake I'm trying to sort my Wi-Fi.

I've had this guy come around to try and sort out the Wi-Fi, but actually, when he got here, he said, you don't have Wi-Fi.

I was like, well, if I don't have Wi-Fi, what have I been using?

So it's been quite a mystery.

Put it down.

Sorry, it's one of the children working for me at the moment.

How was that a flat wife?

Make it again.

Hi, this is Paula York, Relationships Expert.

Just want to congratulate you on 100 episodes, a real achievement.

But really annoyingly, I can't make it at dinner because I'm just on my way back home to let a guy in who's going to look at the Wi-Fi because I've been having an absolute nightmare with it.

It keeps dropping out.

I've tried factory reset, I've tried checking to see if it's overcrowded.

The signal that is not my house.

And turns out it's not.

So no idea.

And the only time you can do is the exact time that your dinner is on.

for the widthly for the duration of the dinner and then he's going to leave.

So sorry I can't make it but I hope it's an overwhelming success as I'm I'm sure it will be best wishes

hello Melanie Fringcatch here from Fringkatch PR and I just wanted to congratulate you on the

hundred episodes and I'd love to be there with you but I am still currently trapped in Ted Danson's mansion he's on oh my god um

hiding out in the mezzanine pantry he's on an absolute rampage i think his Wi-Fi stopped working and has absolutely turned him rat wild.

If anyone can find me, oh my god, oh my god, if anyone can find me, go to the very center of his land.

He'll tell you it's due northwest.

It is not.

If you hit the big tree with the horrible crow, you've gone too far.

Somebody.

Can you hear me?

How much gravy did you drink?

Hello,

beef and dairy.

It's me, Kenny Baratone.

I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there or listen to a single episode ever.

I'm busy, I live in Singapore.

I've got a man coming around to look at my router.

You would not believe how good the internet is over here.

You can download flubber like that.

Have you watched Ghostbusters Afterlife?

Hang on, so is anyone coming to my dinner?

Um, well, there's the RNLI brass band apart from the people who are paying to be there.

Um,

your wife is coming.

So, the thing with my wife is, um, she's gone to stay with her sister.

Oh, no, and um,

I thought everything was okay, and then I got a text this morning

saying that um, she wants to be taken off the council tax

so that I can get the single person discount, which is 25% off.

And also,

I tried to log on to Netflix earlier to watch Beef Warriors and

my login, like it's her account, but my login's not...

Like, I think she's taking me off the Netflix.

Which I like feels like a sign, doesn't it, of some?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, that's basically that that's basically over isn't it i'm really sorry that you had to find out like that i mean that's not necessarily how it was

i'd say that's definitely what it is to me that

to me that reads as like this is definitely over but spread your wings

this is actually really helpful because i've been having a hard time kind of

um

Coming to terms with like what like she's never said like it's over

like she she screamed she came in and she screamed, like, I've had enough of the constant focus on beef in our lives.

I don't like beef, and I've never liked beef.

And I was like, I don't believe you.

And then I bought her a guided tour of the Panaman Sausage Factory for her,

um, our wedding anniversary.

And

then I found out that she didn't go.

She doesn't like beef.

That's really sad.

Um,

I mean, I love it, you know, I love beef, right?

Uh, so um

gala dinner wise

what it's just gonna be me watching a brass band on you can't watch a brass band on your own not unless you're like a dictator

it's weird it's the kind of thing Robert Mugabe used to do I can't watch a brass band on my own no I mean yeah well you know luckily you don't have to because you know I'll I'll be there will you yeah I think it's going to be really I think it's going to be really nice like there's going to be the tripe fountain we can like dangle our legs in and

you know you can like playfully splash me if you want and

sort of gently remove the tripe from my lips.

What so just

just you and me.

Yeah.

And the brass band and a tripe fountain.

The candlelight.

Yeah,

you know, we can just like giggle and

you can, you know, I I can put your hand on my leg.

What do you think?

I think it sounds, I think it sounds really sexy.

Is it getting a bit hot in here?

Do you feel that?

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

Yeah.

No, I think the tallow candles have caught again.

I think they've relit themselves again.

Sorry, I don't think we put enough gravy on them last time.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

God, the flames are even this time.

Oh god the sprinklers.

Going to a toast.

Piping hot gravy.

Hot gravy.

When combined with our new Canon-fed hyperspeed conveyor slide, a thousand cattle can be milked in five minutes using the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition, leaving more time in your day to enjoy the finer things in life, sit back, sip a cocktail, and put out any fires that may have started.

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The pilgrimage of the Golden Anus continued to grow through the early part of 2023 until it reached its zenith in June when over 100,000 acolytes of the Anus descended on London's Hyde Park, where the anus was lifted from its wooden hod and put on top of a 200-foot-high golden plinth.

I asked DCI Dexter Watley whether this huge influx of people was a challenge for the police, especially given that the American rocker Bruce Springsteen was himself playing a concert in the park at the same time.

That complicated things.

Well, it was Bruce Pringstein doing a concert with the rock band Squeeze.

So that had quite a heavy attendance as well.

Do you think that Bruce Springsteen playing with Squeeze as a backing band is more of a draw or less of a draw than just Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band?

We saw a lot of what we called musical rubbernecking.

There was a morbid fascination with what the results would be.

So it actually was quite a big draw.

Because I guess people are thinking, is he going to be playing like Bruce Springsteen hits or is he actually going to be playing the hits of Squeeze with Squeeze?

Is it a new collaboration?

We don't know.

The thing that really irritated the audience because the audience was largely English was that actually the concert was pretty good.

And they didn't know how to deal with that.

And that resulted in some aggression that needed to find its way out somehow.

So there did end up being a bit of Argy Bargie between the music crowd and the anus crowd um so that yeah there was some policing was needed um put it that way

and we we don't take sides uh as as police uh we are after law and order well it's interesting you see that because contemporary reports seem to suggest that the police did take a side and and chose to side with with the acolytes of the anus One system of policing with

riots, major crowds is do you try and disperse them?

Do you try and calm the atmosphere do you try and separate them into different funnels into the city or do you uh uh team up with one mob and decimate uh the other mob

um and we we we we did choose that avenue on this occasion uh so we we did team up with the with team anus uh and and and quelled the springsteen squeeze crowd uh very rapidly indeed and as i say we're not taking sides i mean it was my call which way we went down i mean there were discussions I had with Basil.

I did open a channel of communication with Springsteen and the squeeze people, and they didn't get back to me.

They were playing a concert, to be fair, at the time.

Perhaps that's why.

So that dialogue didn't happen.

But we were only too happy to help.

And of course, our principal interest was in venerating Paul and in keeping the occasion peaceful and happy.

So

a great deal of the heavier set members of our organisation did

lay in pretty hard.

I head-butted three women.

That's very true.

We were all very, very proud of you.

But as I like to say, we converted as many as we maimed.

And then at the end of the night,

this incredible occurrence took place.

Some have described it as a miracle,

where the anus began to, on the top of its gold plinth, began to emanate a kind of

pink light.

It began to pulse outwards.

And then a very strongly concentrated laser beam shot out of the anus, hitting Bruce Springsteen in the chest.

Yes, that was

a shock to all of us, not least me.

I did find out later that

one of our followers had stolen

an extremely experimental energy weapon and smuggled it into our gathering.

But at the moment, we were convinced that what we were seeing was a genuine miracle.

So they fired it off the anus, like sort of ricocheted the laser being off the anus, or they deployed from the London Eye, I gather, and ricocheted off the angles

were perfect.

The anus was used as a sort of a viewfinder,

as a focal point for targeting the energy weapon from one of the pods on the London Eye.

Of course, a moving pod, so even more of a skillful shot than you might think.

It was skillful.

And of course, I mean, that experimental weapon is technically unregistered.

On an unrelated note, Dexter, sorry, I've got these tickets for that red letter day outing on that helicopter you wanted.

The Chinook.

The Apache.

So there'll be no further action taken with regards to the

experimental

energy weapon.

Well, I still think it is a miracle.

I sort of, I mean,

I've been presented with all of this evidence, so, so-called, that, you know,

it was one of our own group, Mary, I believe, that

had commandeered this energy weapon.

But

I actually

think it was a miracle, and maybe it was a miracle acting through Mary, but a miracle nonetheless.

And,

you know,

if Bruce Springsteen had to die, then he had to die.

But

I should say, legally speaking, he technically isn't legally dead because his body is still too hot to be approached

by a physician.

Unfortunately, several paramedics were vaporized when they attempted to touch and resuscitate the body of Bruce Springsteen.

Yes.

He will probably only cool down enough to be certified dead, and they estimate in 52,000 years.

That's right.

All in the good cause, though.

That's right.

He's, in fact, so hot that he's

people are suggesting that they might connect him to the National Grid and that he might be able to power Northumberland indefinitely.

Praise the anus.

Praise the Anus.

Right, now this next bit is going to be a little bit

delicate, shall we say.

The reason why this interview is taking place, Basil, is because DCI Watley contacted me and said that there was something that he had to tell you and that he needed to tell the world and that he felt it should be done in a public forum.

And I agreed that the Beef and Dairy Network would be a good place for this to happen.

Dexter?

What is this?

Well it's regarding what,

as you know, we've discussed many times.

I've always felt haunted by the fact that we never truly got to the bottom of what happened to Paul.

Yes, yes.

Even at the very beginning, it was very distressing.

You were very strong about it.

I mean, the fact that he was, I mean, yes, his

head was there, his lungs were there, his liver were there, but they were all in such a state that we had to use the anus to identify him.

and that's the only thing we could do and um

as i've talked about on the podcasts uh on this podcast in the past um we at the time um we used anas

um which many people will know is the the european

anal identification system uh it's a brilliant huge database that we were at risk of being excluded from with with Brexit.

And lo and behold, we have been excluded from.

And I mean, I don't want to go over the same ground, but we're now left with BRS.

And just to make things clear for any listeners who don't know what the deal is with ANAS, ANAS, the ANO notification and analysis system based in Lyon in France, had this massive, I believe, 800 million anuses on the database.

Is that right?

Yes.

The amount of anal capture was massive.

I mean, if you were arrested, the smallest misdemeanor,

border controls, you name it, marriage certificates, whatever it might be.

The reach was extraordinary.

The cooperation was superb and they have this huge they still have in europol this database of anuses um and the anuses um you know that the records are kept in perpetuity and then in contrast to that the the british system now b asks the british anus registration service is voluntary use it's it's essentially just a a filing cabinet somewhere it's three people work for bars they they go door to door asking for voluntary uh anal donations most people slam the door in their face and they the three they've got very different skill sets.

The three, so, so one will do a crayon rubbing

of your ass.

Another one is an English literature A-level teacher who burnt out.

And

she just does it in prose, describes your anus in

prose.

The other one

works in various media, sometimes acrylics, sometimes black and white photography, sometimes sort of uses doughs to make casts and sort of bakes them.

I mean, it's absolutely hopeless.

But the good thing about Paul's case, although Paul's body was discovered in 2019, which was after the Brexit vote,

we were in that interregnum period between voting to leave and actually leaving the EU.

And so we were still able to access that 800 million-strong laser-captured ANUS database.

We were still in ANAS, that's what I was told.

That's right, and that's how Paul was identified.

We were still in ANAS, but

I

have got wind

from

an associate that in between the Brexit vote and us actually leaving, that as

perhaps as a petty act of payback, as an FU,

those working at ANAS may have been playing a bit fast and loose with what they

sent us.

What?

I don't know the details, but the impression that I've been given is that that was widespread.

And if that is the case, case, and I fear it is, then that means that any conviction that we secured in this country from that point on using the ANAS

system is unsafe.

And of course, more pertinent to this case, any identification we may have made of

a body

may be inaccurate.

What do you say, Dexter?

What are you saying?

I'm saying we don't know that that's Paul's anus.

Basil,

what does it mean for the sisterhood if it's not Paul's anus?

If it is Paul's anus.

But if it's not, if what

there is there is

no evidence.

I can't have built my entire belief system on another lie.

I've done that five times.

This can't be another one.

Please, please look me in the eyes and tell me that it's Paul's anus.

Raven,

I'll say only this.

If you believe that that is Paul Kitesworthy's anus,

then it is Paul Kitesworthy's anus.

I wish it were that simple, Basil.

I truly do.

And I mean,

you know, I was always concerned that we'd never cracked the case.

In fact, when you began your pilgrimage, that's when I felt the best about the whole thing.

You told me about the librarian in Reading who recognised the anus, and I thought, well, it has to be Paul's.

They were certain.

They were absolutely certain on site.

But have a think.

How many times did people say that your brother sounded exactly like Jamie Oliver?

Hang on, are you saying that's Jamie Oliver's anus?

Well,

either Jamie Oliver or someone who sounds an awful lot like Jamie Oliver and Paul Kitesworthy.

David Jason at a young age.

So I can't worship Jamie Oliver's anus.

I can't.

Raven, please.

I can't do it.

There's no basis on which to think that this proves anything.

You're saying this isn't real?

No, no, this is

real.

This is a real.

Look, you can see it.

You can feel it.

You can taste it.

It is a real anus.

And it's Paul's anus.

Basil, when DCI Watley spoke to me and suggested that we do this here,

he didn't give me all the details, but he did say that what he was going to say would mean that the case would be reopened into Paul's disappearance.

The seed of doubt has been sown.

We've got to do this.

We've got for Paul, for Paul, and also for whoever's anus this is.

This is an obscene suggestion.

A blasphemous one, as far as I'm I'm concerned, and I think that it's disgusting.

I absolutely refuse to entertain this nonsense for a second more.

And I'll tell you something else, TCI Watley.

There is a perfectly preserved vintage 1958 Stratocaster guitar, which will not be finding its way underneath your Christmas tree this year.

Basil, Basil, there's another family out there whose anus you have burnished and taken on tour, it's my belief.

And they deserve the truth, too.

DCI Watley, this is obviously something you've had a chance to think about at great length.

What is your leading theory on what you think did happen to Paul?

Even when you found what you thought was his body, you never truly resolved what actually had happened to Paul and why that had happened.

Whether he is dead and this is his anus, or whether he has disappeared and maybe still even alive.

What's your leading theory on what's going on?

What happened to Paul?

It's hard to know what happened to Paul.

I've suggested perhaps

he fell foul of the Belgian pottery underworld.

I mean,

there are more difficult subjects to broach.

Paul,

I mean, you knew Paul before his death, assuming he is dead.

I think he's dead.

I didn't, but I have extensively gone through his audio recordings and his writings.

And there's this thing that keeps coming up

about a fifth meat.

Well, thank you, Dex.

So sorry,

there are only four meats.

Beef, lamb, chicken, pork.

So, right, yes, which is beef, lamb, chicken, and pork.

Uh, but I mean, it was the absolute nonsense, I'm afraid.

Oh, right, but it must be interesting nonetheless that he's uh written about this.

So, thank you.

I wonder why.

Thank you, Dexter.

Thank you very much.

Right, that's all the time we've got for this interview.

Um, just quickly, Basil, I don't know if you've got the invitation to my gala dinner.

Yes, I received the invitation, but I'm afraid I can't make it.

I've got a man coming around to look at the Wi-Fi.

I've eaten the fifth meat.

Goodbye, thank you, goodbye.

A big thanks to DCI Dexter Watchley, Basil Kitesworthy, and Raven Moon for that interview.

And if you'd like to view what may or may not be the burnished anus of Paul Kitesworthy, it is currently on display behind the till at the Tesco Express on Grove Road in Norwich until the end of the month.

It will then tour to the Ipswich Beef Information Centre until the 5th of September, Lincoln Waggamama, that's at Brayford Wharf, until the 16th of September, and then it will be displayed at the Blissetts Garden Centre and Caravan Supermarket in Pottersbar until the 1st of October.

Right, so let's see if Angela Merkel is on the line.

Yeah, so sorry, just so you know, Angela Merkel's a gnome.

She's gone.

Unfortunately, I'm sorry.

I think it's just a case of like, once you start toweling down everything that's potentially wet in your garden, it's like a day-long enterprise.

Also, apparently she's got a pond, so, you know, if she gets caught in a loop of trying to towel dry a pond,

you know, I guess that's why she stepped down as Chancellor.

Right then.

Well, again, sorry, thanks for all of your.

I mean, it's amazing that you even got her to agree to do it.

I mean,

you're welcome.

You know, you're worth it.

Thanks.

That's okay.

Also, I just want to say I absolutely loved the interview you did.

Oh, the golden anus thing, yeah.

Yeah, it was really, really great.

Oh, thanks.

Do you know what?

I've been feeling a bit weird about this whole hundredth episode thing.

Like, is it going to be an anti-climax?

Like, are we, should we do something special?

Like,

and I've just, I mean,

you've just made me feel really really good about myself actually so um

so thank thanks for that thank you because like you always make me feel like that and then you know this has actually been the highlight of my day month year even like so yeah it's been really nice and yeah it was an amazing interview

Do you reckon it's true what the policeman was saying, you know, about Paul's disappearance being something to do with the fifth meet?

Sorry, don't talk about the

don't say it.

Just don't.

There's certain words we don't say in the studio, and that's what I'm that's one of them.

All right, okay, don't worry, it's just right.

Never say that again.

Okay, hang on, hang on, there's someone knocking at the door.

Hang on a minute.

No, no, don't, don't answer it, please.

Ignore it.

Don't answer the door.

No, no,

Beverly

Sadie,

Susan, no,

Jonathan Tonsano,

Kyla

She's dead

Jonathan Tonsan

Bimpsy?

Is that you?

Be calm.

Be not afraid.

I will protect you.

I will always protect you.

I will never die, and neither will you.

My spirit is eternal.

You are me.

I am you.

My heart is your heart.

Bimpsy Bimpsy is forever.

Bimpsy, there's two men with guns in the control room.

I will protect you.

These men cannot harm you.

Close your eyes.

Rest.

It's time to sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Bimpy, I've got so many questions.

What happened to Carol?

Are you Carol?

I am Carol.

You are Carol.

What?

Carol is Bimpsy.

You are Bimpsy.

I am Bimpsy.

We are Bimpsy.

You're too late, Bimpsy.

You've already killed Kyla.

I will revive her.

I will protect everyone you love and everyone who loves you.

She loves you.

No.

She loves you.

She loves you.

she

loves

us

I will breathe my rainbow breath into her lungs and she will live for a thousand years

She's breathing.

She's breathing!

I must return to the stars.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Bimpsy.

Thank you.

Also, thanks for the invite, but I can't come to your dinner because my Wi-Fi isn't working.

So a man is coming to look at the roto.

Kyla?

Kyla?

Are you okay?

You're alive.

You're alive.

And you love me.

Pardon?

That's why Bimpsy saved you.

Because you love me.

What?

And I love you.

Do you?

I don't.

Sorry, I.

What is this?

I don't love you, obviously.

Are you joking?

Do I need to go to HR?

Bimpsy told me.

That's why she breathes her rainbow breath into your lungs.

Oh my god.

Have you got concussion?

You've been unconscious for like half an hour.

Have you been drinking the gravy from the sprinkler system?

No.

Well,

yes.

Yeah, I can see it down your chin.

Okay, um, have you got Angla Merkel on the line yet?

What are you going on about?

Are you alright?

Seriously, do you you want me to call an ambulance?

I was also thinking, sorry,

just because it's the 100th episode, I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but maybe we could

like the team go out for a drink.

Like we never really socialise outside of the office, and I was thinking like we, just because it's 100th, we could like go to the pub and

just like have a couple of pints before the dinner.

Like nothing formal just like a kind of warm-up for the dinner.

Um

yeah,

I can't tonight unfortunately because I've got someone coming round to look at our Wi-Fi but um and also nobody's up for it, sorry.

No, that's okay.

No, no, it's okay, because yeah, because obviously I'll see you at the dinner at half past seven, I think.

Yeah, sorry, I'm not actually going to be there, but you know, I hope it goes well.

So it's definitely not going to be like just you and me and the brass band and candlelight and

what?

Absolutely not.

Okay, let's record the outro.

Yeah, okay, and try not to fuck it up this time.

We've gone over our recording time.

We were meant to be out of here like half an hour ago.

Yeah, yeah, but then obviously like we had the fire and like...

What are you talking about?

No, it's okay.

Yeah.

What fire?

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month...

Hang on, Kyla.

Are you saying you have no memory of mentioning the fifth meet and then being accosted by two gunmen who shot you to death and then you were revived by a big pink horned alien?

You've got no recollection of that.

Right, I'm calling an ambulance.

Until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Susan Harrison, Tom Crowley, Mike Kozniak, Gemma Arrowsmith and Lucy Farrett.

And some podcasts that those people make that you might be interested in.

Crowley Time is Tom Crowley's podcast, which is like a really brilliant sketch show that he kind of does on his own, but it's amazing.

Gemma and Susan make a podcast together called Haley and Ruth Two Stars, which is a podcast where these two cultural critics review something without actually having seen that thing.

It's really, really funny.

And Mike Wozniak does another podcast called Three Bean Salad, which

is a podcast that I'm also in, which is my other podcast, Three Bean Salad.

If you haven't tried it out, I think if you like this one, you'll like that one.

Also, on those voicemails, you heard Amy Mason, Matthew Crosby, Josie Long, Stevie Martin, Natasha Hodgson, and Chris Cantrill.

Also, of course, you heard the amazing voiceover talents of Linnea Sage as the Mitchell's voiceover.

She's the best.

Our live show in September, on September the 16th, has now sold out.

So thanks to everyone who bought a ticket for that.

I'm really looking forward to that one.

you can still watch the live stream though so i'll put a ticket link in the show notes for this or you can look on our social media or you can go on the king's place website and that way you can watch it live uh streamed and if you buy a ticket for the live stream you can also watch it at a later date if for example you live in australia and the live stream is happening in the middle of the night and yes a hundred episodes

I'm so pleased to have done 100 episodes of this podcast.

And may there be 100 more.

And it feels like a bit of a kind of,

I don't know, it's meant to be a thing, isn't it?

Hundred.

You're meant to get Agda Merkel on the phone.

Thanks to all of you for listening.

The fact that I've been able to do this now for how many years?

Seven or eight years.

I mean, that's insane.

And also a huge thank you to all the amazing, talented people that have been on the show over the past hundred episodes.

Been a real dream.

And of course, thanks to all listeners, but of course, a little special thank you for those of you who sign up during the Max Fun drive and contribute to the podcast, because without you, we wouldn't have had 100 episodes.

So a big special thank you to all of you.

And of course, thank you to everyone at Maximum Fun who have proven to be a very, very great podcast network.

And similarly, I couldn't have made 100 episodes were it not for all the people there who are brilliant.

Right, enough thank yous.

I have not won an Academy Award.

I think I'm going to go and buy a Solero.

If you're in the UK, you'll know what a Solero is.

Maybe the Solero has made it outside of our shores.

It's an ice cream.

It's a possibility, though, that it's been

renamed elsewhere.

Solero is a good name, though.

I don't think that...

What it comes down to is I don't think there's going to be a Solero in the US.

It doesn't feel very American.

There's something very European about Solero.

Anyway, worth importing if you're an American.

Bye!

I'm Emily Heller, and I'm Lisa Hannawalt, and we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses.

We've been doing our podcast for over 10 years.

When we started, it was about trying to learn something new every episode.

Now it's about us trying to actively get stupider.

And it's working.

Hang out with us and you'll hear us chat about gardening, horses, various problems with our butts, and all the weird stuff that makes us horny.

That's so weird, all that stuff.

Baby Geniuses, a show for adult idiots, every other week on maximum fun.

Baby geniuses, we know everything.

Baby geniuses, tell us something we don't know.

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Making their way to the ring from the Tites and Fights podcast are the baddest trio of audio, the hair-to-beware Danielle Radford.

It really is.

Great hair!

The Brit with a permit to hit Lindsey Kell.

The queen is dead, long live the queen!

And the fast-talking, fist-clocking, Hal Uplin.

See, I can wrestle and be an announcer.

Get ready for tights and fights.

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