Episode 84 - The Lord Of The Sun

You are are young.

More specifically, you're 35 years old.

35 is young in the grand scheme of things.

Though you're young, as every year goes by, you feel your dreams being abandoned, one by one,

like cars in a snowstorm.

You work at the Constructibear Warehouse.

It's a store where children come in and choose the component parts and outfits for a teddy bear that they would like.

And you construct them.

Like a New Jersey mall Dr.

Frankenstein.

You've been there for 10 years.

On your 10-year anniversary, you were given a custom-made 10-year anniversary bear, wearing a bomber jacket and flying goggles.

You threw it in the lake.

This

is not your dream.

You are not living your dream.

In fact,

you've forgotten what your dream ever was.

Perhaps you wanted to be a football player or a ballerina or an astronaut.

You can't remember anymore.

You are a bear technician at a constructibear warehouse.

There must be more to life than this, you think, ramming the stuffing nozzle into the polyester anus of a synthetic bear skin and turning on the pump.

As the bear begins to fill, your mind wanders.

What were your dreams when you were younger?

When you were five years old, you wanted to be a cowboy.

You remember that?

You reflect on how irresponsible it was of your parents not to tell you that being a cowboy isn't a viable modern occupation.

In fact, they encourage the delusion, buying you an entire cowboy costume with hat, waistcoat.

This is definitely partially their fault.

Excuse me, excuse me, hey, the child in front of you is shouting.

You've learned to filter that sound out by and large, but the tone of this child is even more alarming than usual.

You tune back into the room.

The motor in the stuffing pump is screaming.

The bear skin is so filled with stuffing that a seam begins to strain at the top of the bear's head.

The stuffing is still being pumped in at great speed.

Before you have time to react, the bear's head splits open and explodes all over the child.

The bear looks like it's taken a direct shot from a concealed sniper.

Hello, my name is Helen Bells.

I used to be the Beef and Dairy Network's in-house accountant.

I was brought in when Dominic Bumrun retired.

When I came in on my first day, within about half an hour it was clear to me that Dominic had left a huge mess to the extent that I think he probably wasn't even an accountant.

He was meant to be there for my first day to help me transition into the job, but he seemed very stressed.

He was stress-eating yoghurt from what looked like a household bucket.

So, yogurt all down his face and suit.

He was crying.

And at 10 past nine, he threw a big manila folder onto my desk and left the room weeping, and I never saw him again.

The folder contained all the financial information for the company, and

it was a mess.

Over the next few days, I tried to piece together a picture of what was going on, and it wasn't pretty.

It surprised me to learn that the Beef and Dairy Network is actually registered as a tractor repair business in Korea.

Most of our assets were in shares in Blockbuster Video.

We'd invested heavily in a company that makes personalized vinegars.

We hadn't paid any tax of any kind since 1997, and they won't like me saying that because, as far as I know, they still haven't paid that back.

And on top of that, we had huge debts.

Just an example: we owed 150 million to the Estonian government, and it wasn't at all clear to me what had happened to the money.

And it wasn't all in money.

Some of it was in grain.

We owed several millions of tons of grain.

I tried to contact Dominic to find out what was going on, but there was no way to contact him.

He was never seen again, by the way.

No one knows where he is.

Behind the shop floor of the Constructor Bear warehouse is a break room where staff are able to relax and press chewing gum onto the underside of the seats.

You have 20 minutes of your lunch break left.

You look at your phone.

You've had an email from a website you bought a cheese grater from nine years ago.

You must have made thousands of bears over the years.

Football player bears, ballerina bears, astronaut bears,

cowboy bears.

You feel empty.

Maybe you should turn the stuffing nozzle on your own anus.

There's a notice board on the wall of the break room.

Back when sending postcards was a thing that people did, members of staff would send postcards in when they went on vacation, and they'd go up on the notice board.

They remain there now, yellowing relics to vacations past,

dusty remains of momentary escapes.

But something is different.

There's a new one.

For the first time in at least five years, there's a new one.

You wonder who sent this.

No one's been on vacation.

The postcard has a picture of vast fields, a cloud in the sky, and at the bottom is written, wish you were here in East Wyoming.

You turn over the postcard, and on the back is a crude drawing of a smiling cowboy making the thumbs-up gesture.

A speech bubble comes from his mouth, and inside it, it's an address, Taylor's Tavern, Antelope Gap, Chug Creek, Wyoming.

You look back at the cowboy's face, and now he's winking.

You don't know why, but as if compelled by some higher force, You leave your Constructibear lanyard in the break room, walk out through the store, down down into the underground parking lot.

You get into your 2009 Hyundai and you drive west.

West.

West.

West.

In Dominic's desk was one drawer that was locked with a key.

The key was nowhere to be found, and I couldn't get hold of Dominic, so I broke it open.

I shoved a metal ruler in behind the lock and pushed.

It sprang open and out spilled what I later counted were 120 letters.

Each one was postmarked Wyoming in America, and each one was exactly the same.

A single piece of paper folded in half, and on it written, The loaves must be made.

Your Hyundai reaches East Wyoming, and because you're in it, you do too.

The sky seems bigger.

You breathe more deeply than maybe you ever have.

Taylor's Tavern is a shabby bar where flies outnumber humans 20 to 1.

It's the sort of depressing bar you can find in any town in America.

Any town in the world.

You don't know this, but last night a man lost a bet and had to swallow the eight ball from the pool table.

Or maybe he won the bet.

Right now, he's in the hospital being scanned.

You look around the room, searching for something that would justify the 31 hours of driving.

What were you hoping for?

You order a beer.

What now?

A tall, thin man comes in wearing a grubby jacket and sunglasses.

He's almost exactly like a bird in almost every way.

He sits opposite you.

You can smell bread on his breath.

It's both pleasant and very unpleasant at the same time.

The man asks if you're looking for work.

You say that you suppose you are.

He asks if you're afraid of hard work.

He says that people are afraid of hard work these days and spits what looks like a piece of lung onto the floor.

He says something very surprising.

He says, I've seen you at the Construct a Bear.

The bears you make are exquisite.

Just exquisite bears.

Before you have time to ask this man how he's seen you making teddy bears in a mall 2,000 miles away, he stands up and says, opposite the fire station in town.

Be there tomorrow, 7 a.m.

sharp.

You shake his hand.

It's like fondling a cuttlefish.

Hello, my name is Pamela Carstairs, and I'm an entertainment journalist based in, you guessed it, Hollywood, America.

The actor Ted Danson is by no means the first person in Hollywood to be paid in something other than currency.

You know, what you have to take into consideration here is the brain of an actor is actually more similar to the brain of a squirrel or a lizard than a normal human.

In fact, there was even a famous study done where they showed some veterinary students the brain of a salmon and the brain of an actor, and those students couldn't tell them apart.

And that does lead to actors, of course, being, as we know, incredibly superstitious people.

Many of them are prone to believe in conspiracy theories, you know, they're drawn in by cults, things like that.

For example, Paul Giamatti believes that the earth is a giant gooseberry or a raspberry.

He can't decide, but he knows it's one of the two.

Helen Hunt, she thinks that every time you take a photo on your phone, it's looked at by the queen.

So, do you see, because of this, many of these celebrities are sceptical about the government.

They're mistrustful of the money system and this is by no means a new thing.

It goes back to the golden age of Hollywood.

You know Marilyn Monroe was famously paid in vouchers for Garden Centre.

Carrie Grant was paid in iron girders.

And in the modern day, Jennifer Anniston, you might not know this, is paid in compliments.

She walks into a room and they say, you know, you look beautiful today.

You're a good person.

What a lovely manicure.

And then she leaves and deals with the huge financial problems that she has because she's never earned a single cent throughout really her entire career.

Chris Pratt is the same.

So far in his career, he's just been working for exposure.

You know, they say, Chris, we're doing a Jurassic Park film.

You know, we've got the raptors on board.

It'll be great exposure for you.

And he says, yeah, let's raise this profile.

Let's get people knowing who I am.

But what he doesn't realize is obviously people do know who he is.

And, you know, he could be asking for millions and millions of dollars.

The sun is rising.

You're stood alone at the side of the road.

The effects of last night's beer are building behind your eyes.

Your memory is hazy.

This is where he said to wait, isn't it?

A battered old bus arrives.

The door opens.

The driver, an ancient wrinkled former police officer who two nights ago bet a man he couldn't swallow an eight ball, says, The fields, you here for the fields?

You suppose that you are.

I think the actor Ted Danson was the first actor to specifically be paid in grain.

It was the first day of the set of cheers, and the producer goes around and says to them, Well, you know, how do you want to be paid?

And, you know, John Ratzenberger says, Obviously, I want to be paid in ham.

Rhea Perlman says, I'll be paid in air miles.

And the story goes that the actor Ted Danson had actually assumed that he would be getting money,

but he'd been reading an article in National Geographic about the geopolitical importance of grain.

And he just blurted out, Give me grain and give me lots of it.

And the rest is history, really.

Once I'd pieced it together, basically the Beef and Dairy Network owes the actor Ted Danson 29 million tonnes of grain.

Or rather, it did owe the actor Ted Danson 29 million tonnes of grain.

With the interest it's now probably something closer to 50 million.

In wheat speak, that's 1,837,185,833 bushels.

So at an average yield of 49 bushels per acre, which is what you'd expect based on recent average yields, you'd need to harvest 37,493,508 acres of wheat field, which would be an area about the size of Tunisia.

When I told this to the board, their response was that I should start making inquiries.

And...

Long story short, I had to write an email to the President of Tunisia, which, well, I tried to explain, even if for some reason the President of Tunisia had decided to turn over his entire country to the creation of grain, which I felt was unlikely, it wouldn't work because half of it is desert.

And the board didn't seem to understand this.

It was incredibly frustrating.

I left the job soon afterwards.

It's a poisoned chalice for any accountant.

And actually, I left accountancy behind altogether, and now I run a tortoise polishing business.

Loads of people have pet tortoises, but don't realise that if you really buff them up, they'll shine like a lovely coffee table.

So if anyone is listening and wants me to buff their tortoise, I charge by the square inch and you can find me at shinytortoise.net.

The actor Ted Danson takes a sip from his first coffee of the day and stands on the balcony of his palatial villa.

The actor Ted Danson looks out over his land.

The grain fields.

The rivers feeding water into the grainfields.

The sun beat down on the grain fields.

This feels good, thinks the actor actor Ted Danson.

Everything I can see as far as the horizon, not only do I own, it is all perfectly optimized for the creation of grain.

And what is grain?

It's a store, a store of the sun's energy, a natural battery.

And soon the grain will be ready to be harvested and the grain will be in my hands.

The sun will be in my hands and I will be the Lord of the Sun.

And I will

be the Lord of the Sun.

I will be the Lord of the Sun.

More after this.

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For example, I have a vast team of people who make it possible for me to always be within 40 seconds of the teat, by which I mean I can have fresh milk in my mouth.

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Now, as you can imagine, that takes a huge team of people, but it does make my life easier.

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Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash beef to try it for free.

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The nominees for best performance by an actor in roles in series, musical, and comedy are Ted Danson.

cheer.

Ted Danson, cheer.

Ted Danson, cheer.

And the winner is.

Best performance by an actor in a television series, musical, or comedy.

Ted Danson, cheers!

You get off the bus and are led by the ancient bus driver into a huge but tasteful mansion.

You are taken up a marble staircase and through a heavy oak door and then, in front of you, the actor Ted Danson smiles.

You saw my postcard, huh?

I've seen those bears you make at the Constructor Bear Warehouse.

Such exquisite bears, such intricate craftsmanship, those fine, fine bears.

Could it really be true that the actor Ted Danson is aware of you?

I own every Constructor Bear warehouse in America.

Did you know that?

said the actor Ted Danson.

And the best workers with the finest hands, the most gentle touch, we invite them here to harvest my grain.

We harvest by hand here.

The harvesting is coming.

The loaves must be made.

Will you help me with that?

Will you harvest my grain?

Grain really has become a central part of an actor's power within the current Hollywood system.

People wonder why James Corden is seemingly cast in every movie despite being a complete disaster in all of them.

Well, when he isn't filming, which isn't often, he's busy overseeing his huge grain stocks.

He has got huge stocks.

We are talking grains and grains and grains of grain.

And these huge stores of grain just give him power in the system.

And so the actor Ted Danson in recent years has built this powerful grain reserve.

With this powerful grain reserve, the actor Ted Danson is calling the shots.

So, if you sign him up for a movie, before he even signs the contract, before he's even in the room with the contract,

he will sit you down and make you address him as the Lord of the Sun.

I've witnessed this, and

it's pretty weird.

You lie out under the stars, a small fire turning to ash at your feet, beans and milk heavy in your stomach, the stony ground beneath you, the vast black Wyoming sky above.

Across the hillside, hundreds of other former Constructive Air Warehouse employees bed down and wait for tomorrow.

The harvesting.

You've done it.

You're a cowboy now.

But your cows are wheat.

The finest hand-harvested wheat.

Pride swells in your chest like a teddy bear overfilled with stuffing.

You drift off to sleep.

A hundred miles away, the man who swallowed the eight ball is being transferred by a helicopter to a bigger hospital in Denver.

You do still get the odd celebrity who does insist on still being paid in money, you know.

So there's the woman who played Mindy and Mork and Mindy, Tom Hanks's son, Tom Hanks' other son, Eddie Redmain.

And, you know, yes, these people are rich, but they are essentially powerless in the Hollywood grain-based system.

And, you know, you'll go around to their house

for a lemonade party or some such, and on the surface, it all looks great.

You know, expensive furniture, huge infinity pool.

In some cases, Tom Hanks will be there.

But there are signs that it's not all 100%.

You know, for example,

if they've got a tortoise, the shell will be all all sort of scuffed and dull and it'll be looking really unhealthy and

actually sort of quite sad you know a lot of people don't realize that you can polish a tortoise in much the same way that you'd polish a piece of furniture you know quick blast of pledge and all it takes is just sort of 30 to 45 minutes of really really concentrated rubbing and i mean really concentrated and and you do notice sort of quite a quite a negligible difference there you know you you have to look closely but you can see it give it another 30 to 45 minutes

three hours later you wake smoke catches in your throat

the valley below is ablaze acre upon acre of wheat burning It's the biggest fire you will ever see.

And the sky, the sky is pink.

And who is in that sky?

They're floating.

They have horns and a beak.

Is it a person?

Hello, fire department.

Hi, you know the sweeping valley below the palatial villa that opens out into a vast plain filled with golden wheat fields as far as the eye can see with rivers and tributaries feeding the fields perfectly optimized for the creation of grain.

It's all on fire.

Oh, shit.

The actor Ted Danson pulls back the shutters.

Everything as far as the eye can see is his property, and it's all on fire.

The energy of the sun captured by each grain is released into the atmosphere, wasted.

The power of the sun is being squandered for nothing.

A tear forms in the actor Ted Danson's left eye.

In Colorado, an eight ball clatters down onto a steel surgical tray.

The actor Ted Danson knows this was.

The actor Ted Danson knows who this is.

The actor Ted Danson grits his teeth.

He looks at the pink sky and through those gritted teeth he says,

Bimpsy.

Okay.

Those

must be made.

Lows must be made today.

Lows

must be made.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

The loads

must be made

The loads must be made today

The loads

must be made

Don't be afraid

Don't be afraid

Don't be afraid

Okay.

Do you want me to record that again?

No, that was good.

Okay.

I really can't thank you enough for getting me this job.

You know, work's been a bit thin on the ground recently.

Got these huge debts.

These huge grain debts to the actor Ted Danson.

Thanks to Stefan Ashton Frank, Rose Johnson, and Susan Harrison.

Hello, shinytortoise.net.

Hello, I saw your advert online about tortoise buffing.

Oh, excellent.

What service are you looking for?

Yeah, what it is, is I've got this tortoise, and it's

quite scuffed.

Hmm.

And tarnished, really.

It's got a...

I'd say the finish is very dull.

It's not really why I bought a tortoise, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I totally know what you mean.

It can be a bit upsetting when they get like that.

I understand.

It was expensive when I bought it.

We've only had it 18 months and it's already looking quite kind of dull.

Yeah.

Well, you know, first of all, I'm really sorry to hear that.

And

you're welcome.

You've definitely come to the right place.

So, yeah.

Because I think obviously you can't see it and I can probably send you a photograph.

But I think even then, I don't think that's going to capture exactly quite how depressing it looks.

Yeah.

So if you just take my word for it,

I mean I can send you a photograph I don't know if that would help no that I mean I could maybe send you a video of like my friends and family reacting to it that that would be great reaction videos are something that we kind of draw on quite a lot here so yeah if you could watch me a reaction video um that would be just to see just because you'll see in their eyes especially kids they're so disappointed when they see it yeah okay and what I'm getting at is I'm not I'm not sure that just a hand buffing is going to do the job.

Oh, okay.

It's really tarnished then.

Honestly, yes.

Yeah, I was wondering whether...

But you're the expert, but maybe you could use one of those big round mechanical floor buffers they use for like wooden floors in a school hall.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, sure, I can get access to one of those.

With a very tarnished tortoise, yeah, you're right.

Sometimes a hand buffing won't do it.

Yeah, oh thank god you understand.

Yeah, of course.

Um, shall I get you booked in then?

Uh, yeah, before we do that, can I just ask,

is the tortoise harmed at all

during the process?

Especially if you're using one of those big big floor buffers?

Well, first of all, I would never harm a tortoise.

No, no,

I didn't mean to suggest that you.

Look, I love tortoises and I've dedicated my life to making sure that they look their best.

But you know, I understand why you might be worried.

All I can say is that I have a guarantee.

You can find it on my website, shinytortoise.net.

If I harm your tortoise or terrapin, I also do terrapins, in any way, I will box up all of the possessions in my house, including the white goods, the chest freezer, separate washer and dryer, all my husband's stuff, his bike, his fishing stuff, and I'll put that all in the back of a van, yeah?

And I'll drive to your house

and I'll put it all on the pavement outside your house and you can have whatever you want.

And once you've picked all of the things that you want from my possessions, all of my worldly possessions, once you've taken what you want, I will burn the rest and cook you a meal on the embers.

Wow.

Yeah.

Not many businesses go that far when it comes to customer service.

No, they they don't.

Well, maybe John Lewis, but yeah, that's my guarantee.

Well, well, um,

you know what?

It's a bit perverse, really, but

now I'm actually sort of hoping you do help my daughters.

What?

No, not really.

I'm just saying, like, you know,

I'd get all of your possessions.

Sorry, I think that's disgusting.

No, hang on.

Hang on.

You're the one that's A suggested that, and B, you're about to take a floor sander to a living thing.

But only because you asked me to.

I just want to be able to see my face and my tortoise.

Is that too much to ask?

Look, it's not easy running a tortoise buffing company, you know.

Oh, here we go.

No, but did you think about how it is for me?

I mean, most people are happy with their mankey weathered old tortoises as it is.

Sorry, why are you telling me this?

And this is exactly why I prefer to spend my time with tortoises.

Fine.

Fine.

You're in a theater.

The lights go down.

You're about to get swept up by the characters and all their little details and interpersonal dramas.

You look at them and think, that person is so obviously in love with their best friend.

Wait, am I in love with my best friend?

That character's mom is so overbearing.

Why doesn't she just stand up to her?

Oh, God, do I need to stand up to my own mother?

If you've ever recognized yourself in a movie, then join me, Jordan Cruciola, for the podcast, Feeling Seen.

We've talked to author Susan Orlene on realizing her own marriage was falling apart after watching adaptation, an adaptation of her own work, and comedian Hari Kondabolu on why Harold and Kumar was a depressingly important movie for Southeast Asians.

So join me every Thursday for the Feeling Scene podcast here on Maximum Fun.

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