Episode 80 - World Beef Bulletin
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Hello!
No regular episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast today, because instead, we're sharing with you the first ever episode of the World Beef Bulletin, our new daily news show streamed live online and available on Longwave Radio.
It's all created at our brand new state-of-the-art multi-million-pound news center that we've built in Aylesbury, and it's world news with that hint of beef.
Enjoy Online and on long wave radio, this is the World Beef Bulletin, the latest news from the beef world and beyond.
Live
from New York to Berlin to Aylesbury.
Yes, hello and welcome to the first ever World Beef Bulletin.
All the news you need in half an hour.
I'm here live from our brand new news center.
in Aylesbury.
And I'm Rona Stent, coming live from our news desk in New York City.
I just want to say, Rona, I'm really looking forward to working with you on this.
Same to you.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
My producer said that you ate a candle last night.
I don't know why they had to tell you that's really
personal information.
So, why'd you eat a candle?
Well, I was taken to a fancy restaurant, and
shortly after we arrived, the waiter put down a a candle in front of me.
And I, I think quite reasonably, assumed that it was a starter.
Or I guess, Rona, you might call it an appetizer.
Oh.
And so I
just swallowed it.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm being told we have to get to the news.
Okay, time for the headlines with Rona.
From our news desk in New York, it's Rona Stent.
The sea is actually a solid.
This is the discovery of scientists at Seoul University who have revealed that the popular preconception that the sea is made of liquid is actually false.
According to their study, boats, which appear to float on the sea, are actually on wheels.
And fish are burrowing animals who use their flippers to dig beneath the sea's dense blue surface.
The Queen of England has announced she will be celebrating 70 years on the throne by bringing back hanging for one day only.
Queen Elizabeth, who made the unexpected announcement last night, believes the return of summary execution will cheer up a divided nation.
Scientists in Beijing believe they could have the solution to the dwindling number of China's giant pandas by breeding a new race of sexy pandas.
It is hoped the pandas, which have full lips, a mane of silky, windswept hair, and a beguiling hourglass figure, will reverse the decline in numbers which experts believe is caused by the fact that the world's remaining pandas are in their words six out of ten max.
Sydney has become the first city in the world to build in the infrastructure to pipe hot sausages into every home.
The mayor described the move as dangerous yet thrilling, a sausage roller coaster heading straight for your mouth and hard.
It is widely rumored that Angela Merkel has bought a new towel.
More as we get it on that one.
And finally, Argentina will be piloting a new flag from next week.
Argentina's president, Alberto Fernandez, said that people have become bored of the blue and white flag and that for a year trial period it will be replaced with an image of an old woman riding a motorbike into the sun.
Back to you in Aylesbury.
The World Beef Bulletin.
Thank you, Rona.
Now picking up on that story mentioned there about Argentina piloting a new flag, I'm joined down the line from Buenos Aires by the Argentinian Culture Minister, Alejandro Gomez.
Mr.
Gomez, thank you for talking with me this morning.
I'm jokingly sorry.
No, you're talking to Sam Archer.
You called about three hours ago.
Sorry.
Is this Mr.
Gomez?
No, it's Dr.
Sam Archer responding to your call.
Yes, look.
That was a private call.
I'm not sure why I'm speaking to you because I'm meant to be on the line with...
But it sounded
I think there's been some kind of technical problem.
Is there any way we can do this phone call after the show?
It's up to you.
I mean the call you the issue you called me about seemed quite urgent.
I'd just like to follow up on that if that's okay.
Do you have time?
Well how I mean you're the doctor.
Tell me how urgent.
I mean it possibly life-threatening.
Okay, well let's do this very quickly then.
But bear in mind I am doing a global news post.
Yes,
we'll make it quick.
You called me saying that you had I understand that you had swallowed a a candle.
Is that correct?
Yeah, yeah, well again, just bear in mind this is is going out live, so you know, don't you have isn't there some kind of confidentiality thing?
I can talk in code if you like.
Well, there's there's actually no point now, is there, because you've already mentioned that I swallowed a candle.
But also, actually, it's already been mentioned in the show anyway, so
can we just do this quickly, please?
Can I just I need to get some some details uh from you if that's okay, just some s some things to make sure see just how serious this is.
Yes, fine, fine, fine.
Obviously, uh first thing I want to ask, how how did this end up happening?
Well, does that matter?
Look, I swallowed the candle, it doesn't matter why I swallowed the candle.
I need to know all the details but that's okay.
I'm sorry.
Like you say, I know this is live, but I want to make sure you're live later alive.
Yes, fine.
Okay.
Well, last night I was taken out by some investors to a very fancy new restaurant.
Right.
You know, owned by a television chef,
Cliff Trent Roberts.
And
they brought out the candle,
put it in front of me, they lit it.
I assumed,
it turns out wrongly, that it was a starter.
Right, okay.
Because, you know, these modern restaurants, it's all about theatre, isn't it?
It's all about the spectacle and, you know, turning food into a, you know.
Right.
You can understand, I think, why I made that.
So when we're talking about the size of the candle, are we talking about something which is, I'm going to say more than 10 inches in length?
12 inches, one inch diameter wax candle.
Good lord.
Right.
Okay, what I'm going to do is I'm going to,
there's a consultant I can speak to, and I'm going to ask him about this.
He doesn't usually deal with this end of things.
Let me just put it that way.
To put no final point on it, he's a doctor who mainly specialises in people putting things up their asses.
Can I just be very clear that I didn't put a candle up my ass?
No.
Just
make him well aware of that.
Of course.
No, no, no.
You swallowed the candle.
Yes, but with my mouth.
With your mouth.
Not my anus.
No, I mean,
I'd say I think the anus would have been preferable, if anything, for this candle.
From a medical perspective.
From a medical perspective, yes, not an aesthetic perspective.
Putting the ass into aesthetic.
Dr.
Archer?
Sorry about that.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, sticking a candle up your ass has, you know,
untold medical benefits.
But I'm still sure that the other diners there probably were pleased that I didn't
give them a live ass candling show before they'd even started their main course.
I mean, like you were saying about the
theatre of modern restaurants, maybe that's a maybe that's a trend.
I don't know.
I'm mad about it.
So I'm going to speak to this consultant and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Okay, my apologies.
I'm not sure why that wasn't Alejandro Gomez, the Argentinian culture minister, but we will endeavour to connect with him shortly.
I think we're just having a few teething problems with the technology here at the brand new new centre here in Aylesbury.
Aylesbury!
Aylesbury!
Hopefully these little technical gremlins can
Aylesbury can be ironed out.
Right.
The following news segment is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace, premium meat at donkey beef prices.
You bit your ass!
Yes, this next bit of news is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace, quality meat at donkey beef prices.
You bit your ass!
Rumours abound this morning about the possibility that former German Chancellor Angela Merkel has bought herself a new towel.
For more on this, we go over live to our Berlin news desk with Catherine Scharf.
Berlin Beef Bulletin.
Here in Deutschland, Herr Streges enteres
cancelled Angela Merkel Gekraft.
We will das new Hantur Aussin, Wiltshire
Hantur Teigen, Wirtes and Deutsche Hantursein, Oda and Franzus,
Odain Americanisches.
It is
a van Schulkenden for residents for the people who underufen are
Hantur Hantur Hanturg.
Diesent werklich aufreken der Titen.
Ich ben Katrin Schafe Life Aus Berlin.
Okay.
I have to be honest with you,
I thought that was going to be in English.
Are you okay?
I heard you ate that candle, is that right?
That's quite enough from you, Katrin.
Aylesbury.
I'm now joined by our correspondent Geoffrey Tornstad, who has been following the Angela Merkel Towel story closely this morning.
Good morning, Geoffrey.
Good morning.
Now, rumours have been circulating for a while about this, haven't they?
Yes, they have, ever since she stepped down as Chancellor, really, that Angela Merkel would use her spare time that she now has to start the process of researching what a new towel might look like for her.
Right.
And what can you tell me about what the experts have to say about what it's likely she's going to go for?
Well, most of the experts were anticipating a purchase six months down the line after a period of research and development, as normal.
We know that under normal circumstances, Angela in the past has liked to buy bespoke-made towels, made specifically to her very exacting standards but it looks like recently she may have gone for an off-the-peg towel and that's caught everyone unawares I think it's it's fair to say that nobody was expecting this and as such we just don't know what sort of towel she's gone for has the former chancellor opted for a beach towel a bath sheet hand towel one of the smaller variety we we just can't know do we have any indication as to when she might be using this towel for the first time um obviously when she was the german chancellor she would usually unveil a new towel at the beginning of the G8 conference or a NATO summit or something like that.
Obviously, now that she's retired, that seems less clear as to when we'll see this towel for the first time.
This is hard to anticipate, isn't it?
Of course, there is the possibility that she may now feel that as she has retired, she does not need to make her new towel public.
If you think back to last year, King Willem Alexander of the Netherlands bought himself a new towel, and at a press conference specially held, he said he wouldn't be sharing any details of the new towel or indeed carrying the new towel out in public.
And I think that what happens here with Angela Merkel might consolidate what the trend is now for world leaders.
And finally, what does this all mean for beef?
Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean.
No, no, fair enough.
Thank you, Geoffrey Tornstadt.
Thank you very much.
Joining me now for a bit of balance on that story is controversial columnist Paul Boldart, otherwise known as the Equalizer.
The Equalizer!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, I didn't know I was going to be called the equalizer.
Paul is here to give us the opposing opinion on this issue and equalize the debate.
Welcome, Paul.
What's your take on this?
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm not sure I understand.
What's my take on Angela Merkel having bought a new towel?
Yes.
Yes, we've heard what Jeffrey has to say, but we're dedicated to balance here at the World Beef Bulletin, and so we've brought you in to level it off a bit.
They call him the equalizer.
Sorry, sorry, nobody calls me the equalizer.
The equalizer.
Can you stop the equalizer thing, please?
Sorry, I honestly can't.
The equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equal, equalizer.
There we go.
Aylesbury.
Look, you believe in media balance, don't you?
Well, yes, I suppose so.
Then balance me out, brother.
Are you sure you can't just be a bit more oppositional about this?
All right.
I think Angela Merkel buying a new towel is
disgraceful.
Here we go.
It's,
I mean, what kind of a country are we living in?
Yes.
If, if, if
people like Angela Merkel's, and Angela Merkel thinks that she can just swan around
in her,
one of those
big novelty swan pedals that they have.
She thinks she can just swan around in one of those with this new towel, this cavalier attitude.
Who's paying for that towel?
That's what I want to know.
I'm 47 years old now.
I remember the war.
We got a towel at Christmas if we were lucky.
And we were grateful.
One Christmas, my grandfather, he just gave me a stern talking to.
But these days, children, they all want a towel or
the latest towel app, I imagine.
I'm sure that's for taking off.
Pretty soon we'll all be toweling ourselves down in the metaverse.
Thank you, Paul.
Some wonderful contrarian arguments there from the equalizer.
The equalizer.
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me there.
I really don't.
I think I blacked out.
I don't really know if any of that made any sense.
At one point, I felt like I was looking down at my own body from above.
Sorry, I don't think any of that's true.
If anybody out there's listening and thinks that what I just said might have come from a learned place, please discount that.
It was at best ill-informed,
at worst, harmful.
You know what, maybe
let's just take this all out and start again, or maybe we can try again tomorrow.
Or this is live, Paul.
Live.
Oh,
okay.
Maybe let's take a different tack on this issue.
Paul, what does this mean?
For beef?
Sorry.
What does it mean?
For beef?
What does Ungle Merkel having a new towel mean for beef?
Yeah, what does it mean for beef?
It doesn't make any difference.
I guess unless it's a cowhide towel or maybe made out of heavy cream.
But I don't think that would work very well.
Thanks, Paul.
Now it's time to go back over to Rona in New York for the latest headlines.
From our news desk in New York, it's Rona Stent.
The existence of the city of Boston, Massachusetts has been called into question today after National Geographic sent a reporter there only to discover nothing but a gaping hole in the ground.
The mayor of Boston has angrily refuted the allegations, slapping himself and yelling, if I don't exist, how come this hurts?
Marine biologists studying the Mariana Trench believe they may have discovered the world's first subaquatic cow.
The creature, which is completely transparent, has 12 legs, and secretes a powerful white neurotoxin from its udders, has been nicknamed Daisy.
Scientists say they hope to bring it to the surface for study as soon as it has stopped humping their submarine.
On the New York Stock Exchange, shares in employment-oriented online service LinkedIn boomed this morning after the website announced it will be creating its own version of the metaverse.
LinkedIn CEO Ryan Roslansky said that the VR experience would be a vortex of despair beyond the limits of the human imagination, as well as the world's number one hub for professional networking.
And breaking news, the scientists responsible for breeding a new race of sexy pandas in China have been sacked due to concerns that the new pandas are simply too sexy and will lead to unsustainable levels of mating.
The current batch of sexy pandas, with their lustrous eyelashes and come hither eyes, have been culled, outraging activists who claim the bears were too sexy to die.
Back to you in Aylesbury.
The World Beef Bulletin.
More after this.
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Online and on long wave radio, this is the World Beef Bulletin.
The latest news from the beef world and beyond.
Live
from New York to Berlin to Aylesbury.
Okay, I should have the Argentinian Culture Minister on the line, Alejandro Gomez.
Mr.
Gomez, I'm very sorry about the technical problems we've been having so far this morning, but hopefully you can hear me fine.
So So this is Dr.
Sam Archer calling back from an
emergency follow-up to what we discussed earlier.
Dr.
Archer, I'm really supposed to be talking to the Argentinian Culture Minister.
Can this wait?
It's regarding the sensitive issue that we discussed earlier, which I do not want to share for patient confidentiality reasons.
Everyone already knows that I've eaten the candle.
Okay, yeah.
So.
Oh, hang on.
I've got an email through from you.
You've spoken to the consultant.
You've got some questions for me.
Yeah, sorry I haven't been able to answer those questions because I am literally doing a live news broadcast.
First question, did I eat anything after swallowing the candle?
I'm assuming no.
Well, no, I actually, after eating the candle, I did follow it up with a very high-end bolognese.
Oh, God.
Okay, because he just says that there's a chance whatever you ate, bolognese and special,
was it a steaming bolognese?
Very hot, steaming, very rich Okay.
Bolognese, yeah.
What he's suggesting is that maybe the bolognese would have melted the wax inside your stomach.
Then as it cooled, the wax would have hardened, creating a perfect mold of your stomach in your stomach in a phenomenon known as a two swords belly.
Actually, he has been in contact with the people at Madame Two Swords.
They've encountered some of these things before.
Yes, I'm just reading in your email.
It says that a toddler bits the wax finger of E.T.
clean off at Madame Two Swords and that child is fine now and turned out to be Orlando Bloom.
Orlando Bloom.
It's Orlando Bloom.
But he's the toddler is now grown up and is the actor Orlando Bloom.
Who
ironically has a wax work in Madame Two Swords.
So it's the circle of life if anything.
Okay, so that's encouraging news from our point of view?
I'd say so.
So I'm going to talk you through some of the techniques that we used back then to ultimately save the toddler and allow him to grow up and
ultimately to marry the pop star Katie Perry.
Right.
What I'd like you to do is try and focus on making the wick travel downwards.
When you say downwards,
are you saying you want me to shit the wick?
It could be essential.
If you could, just focus and try to shit the wick.
Hopefully very soon you'll see
a thin amount of what looks like rope protruding.
That's when things get difficult.
I'm going to have to ask you to light it.
It's the only way.
So you're saying that
all those years ago,
a toddler Orlando Bloom
shut out a wick.
And then they lit it.
And now he's married to Katie Perry.
Who sang?
May I remind you?
Baby, you're a firework.
Wow.
That's no coincidence, surely.
I think you may have hit upon something there.
Wow.
Obviously, I don't think all of those elements were connected.
I don't think Katy Perry married him because he shit a whip that he then set fire to.
Do you think it's worth us getting in contact with Katy Perry?
Do you think that might help?
I'd say at this stage, it wouldn't be useful other than maybe she could get Orlando on the phone and he could give you some coping advice.
But I'll be honest, it was a long time ago, and I think he's tried to put that chapter of his life behind him.
Okay, I mean, I'm just thinking, like, you know, obviously, I'm doing this news bulletin at the moment.
Yeah.
And we've had some technical challenges, but it feels to me like it's going well.
But imagine how well it would go if, you know, at the end, as a kind of finale,
Katie Perry sang Baby You're a Firework live
and lit my arsewick.
Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of this.
You're getting carried away with some, I'd say, frankly, impossible logistics here.
We just want to focus on on you the candle and your lower intestine for now
the world beef bulletin
okay now it's time to go over to the world beef bulletin weather center to get the latest weather from sophie pollock how are you doing sophie i'm fine thanks are you okay i heard you've been eating candles no no i haven't been eating candles I ate one candle.
And also, that isn't relevant, please.
Just give us the global weather report.
Thank you.
The global weather?
Yes, please.
Sorry, you want me to do the weather report for the whole of the earth?
Yes, please, Sophie.
Well,
that's going to take ages, like literally hours.
Right.
Well, maybe just give us the gist.
Okay, well,
very cold at the top and the bottom.
Hot around the middle.
Sunny spells with patches of rain and snow.
Also sleet probably somewhere.
Highs of 46 degrees centigrade, that's 114 Fahrenheit.
And lows of minus 50 centigrade, that's minus 58 Fahrenheit.
So remember to pack an umbrella, scarf and sun hat if you're going out today.
Thank you, Sophie.
And probably don't eat a candle would be my other advice.
Thank you, Sophie.
The Global Weather Report is brought to you by Sadie's Beef Palace.
Quality meat at donkey beef prices.
You bitch your ass!
Just don't ask where Sadie is.
Sadie went to jail.
Oops.
Now, in Finland, there are proposals to arm parking inspectors with guns that fire hot glue.
Christopher Remillard from the UK Traffic Warden Union National Tribunal, or UTWANT, what do you make of this?
Well, it's a disgrace.
Thank you, Christopher.
And Eileen Portbury from the Think Tank, the Medieval Solutions Unit, what do you think?
If you ask me, it's a step in the right direction.
Thank you, Eileen.
Let's see what our contrarian columnist, the equalizer, makes of all this.
Did you even read any of my columns?
No, didn't need to.
Your reputation very much precedes you, equalizer.
I write columns about garden design.
My producer told me that you're a controversial columnist.
I suppose so.
I said the Forsythia is the best spring flowering shrub.
It's a big call, and I made it.
Look, listen, can you just give your opinion about Finland arming parking inspectors with guns that fire hot glue, please?
I don't think that's real.
It is.
It doesn't sound plausible, does it?
Okay, Paul.
What does this mean for beef?
Oh, I don't know.
Debate equalized.
The following news segment is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace.
Premium meat at donkey beef prices.
You bitcher ass!
All meat comes pre-shaved.
Aylesbury.
Now, obviously, we can tell you what the news looks like from the perspective of our high-tech news centre here in Aylesbury, but we want to know what you think.
That's why, every day, here on the World Beef Bulletin, we want to hear your thoughts on the day's news.
What do you think?
Sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace.
Sadie needs money for lawyers.
Who do we have on line one?
Hello, my name's Julie Bagshot.
Hello, Julie Bagshot.
Thanks for calling in.
What is it that you want to say?
Well, I'd like to complain about my next-door neighbour, Susanna.
Now, she likes her food, does Susannah.
Sorry, Julie, sorry to cut you off.
Which world news story is this responding to?
Sorry?
So she won't have cereal in the morning or toast.
It's got to be a cooked breakfast every morning.
Julie, I'm going to need you to bring this background to a news story, if you can.
Her husband, Adrian, he's a miserable bastard, right?
And he can't stand the smell of her fried eggs.
Sorry, Julie.
really um that's enough from you sorry about that everyone uh cross lines maybe who have we got next uh who have we got next hello julie bag shot here oh god so you know what she does she's cooking a full english over calagas in my garden every morning at 6 a.m in my garden julie i'm i'm very sorry take your calagas camping stove into your own garden how about that right sorry julie i'm going to cut you off again sorry about that we've obviously been having problems with the phone line today hopefully it'll work this time.
So who do we have?
And what do you think?
So bold as brass, the next morning, she's out there in her Marks and Spencer's dressing gown, right,
cooking sausages and eggs on my patio.
Now I'm not too proud to say, as she bent down to open that tin of tomatoes, I hit her with a spade and her head exploded like a hot melon.
So there she was, head cracked open on my patio.
I couldn't tell what was beans and what was brains.
Anyway, I had a little sit down
and I thought to myself, bloody hell, I've killed someone here.
Anyway, my husband's a copper, so I give him a ring and I said, Tony, I've finally done it.
I've cracked.
I killed Susannah.
And he says, don't worry, love.
Make yourself a nice cup of tea.
And he's going to sort it all out for me.
Lovely cover-up job.
It's the sort of thing he does all the time.
Tony gets home, and I'm sat there watching me programmes.
It's tipping point with that Ben Shepherd.
He's lovely him.
Anyway, Tony's there sorting out Susanna on the patio.
He drags her through the hall, puts her in his van, and he said, Don't worry, love, I'm just going to dump her in the sea.
Anyway, six hours later, he's back.
I say, where have you been, Tony?
He said he went to Abba Ridswift and logged her off the pier.
So there we are, all sorted, watching Corion catch up with a chippy tea.
It was a lovely day.
I love my Tony.
It was a lovely
day.
Aylesbury.
Any thoughts on what you've just heard?
Paul Boldart, aka the equalizer.
It sounds like a woman just confessed to murder live on your show.
So at least that's actual news.
And Rona in New York, what do you make of all that?
I don't know that that is murder per se.
Oh, really?
Certainly here in the States, if you cook sausages on someone else's lamb, you can really go to town on them.
It is all self-defense.
At least that's my understanding.
Yeah, good for Julie, I say.
Jesus.
Rona, is that true?
Oh, absolutely.
You have to protect the land that is yours.
I don't understand how cooking sausages, though, represents something that you could self-defense against.
It's not.
Oh, I can see a million reasons.
I mean, look, I went to law school for a year.
You know that.
And, you know,
what if Julie had a pet pig?
Can you imagine somebody coming onto your land and cooking pork sausages in front of your pet pig?
They should die for that.
It's completely legal here.
I'll take your word for it.
Okay, now it's time for our final set of headlines from Rona.
From our news desk in New York, it's Rona Stent.
The Japanese negotiating team at the G7 Summit have tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs after arousing suspicions by negotiating a record-breaking 1,500 trade deals in 48 hours before collapsing in a puddle of urine.
The team have been sent home.
The world's oldest man has said the secret of his long life is a daily tipple and savoring the rich red blood of his enemies.
Salvador Gonzalez from Uruguay told reporters that a shot of tequila and the knowledge that those he hated preceded him into the dirt keep him feeling young.
In England, hundreds of wild hyenas have been released into Coventry City Center.
A spokeswoman for reintroduction body Natural England England said, they were never native here.
It's just a bit of fun.
And the Pope has hinted that he may resign, deciding he's more spiritual than religious, and God is probably more like an energy or something.
He has announced that he's currently exploring other faiths, such as one that's mainly about getting massages and doing magic mushrooms in a field.
The World Beef Bulletin.
And let's finish with a classic and finally story.
Did you ever hear about the pig who thought it was a racing car driver?
That's the case of Bentley, the pot-bellied pig, who learned how to drive a golf cart and whose video has gone viral all across the internet this week.
And with me on the line now, I have Bentley's owner, Roy.
Roy, how does it feel to have an internet star as a pet?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, he's just pressed it.
He's crushed the golf cart.
Oh, Muriel.
Muriel, call the vet.
Oh, geez, Bentley.
Muriel!
Muriel call the vet now!
He's taking a clean through the greenhouse!
Muriel!
Oh Bentley, please!
Oh god!
Muriel!
Can you do mouth to mouth on a pig?
What do you want her then?
Come on!
Oh god!
Oh wait, oh wait, he's breathing.
Oh he's alright, he's getting back on his feet.
He's getting back in the
he's getting back on the golf cart.
No, Bentley, no, no,
thank you, Roy.
Now, that should be the end of the show, but I've just been told by my producers that they have successfully lined up Argentinian culture minister Alejandro Gomez to talk about the new Argentinian flag.
Mr.
Gomez.
I'm going to stop here.
It's Dr.
Sam Archer again.
Wright, I have some good news and some good news.
I'll come out and say it.
Okay.
Right.
I spoke again with Dr.
Reeves, and the fact that you
answered the call is promising.
So he says that basically the fact that you're alive now means that
you're probably fine.
He says that swallowing a candle is sort of a bit like being in jail.
Sort of if you survive the initial 24 hours, then everything else should be fine.
And you're feeling okay, you said.
Well, I'm alive, so here we are.
Well, yeah, take that as a win.
He then said,
don't know how to say this.
So
he asked if
it all sounds quite spectacular.
You were mentioning Katy Perry and lighting the Arswick and her singing and all these things.
And we were chatting about that.
We have quite a sort of a high-end gala coming up for some of the hospital's biggest donors.
And,
well, we thought that sounded like quite a fun idea, like a good end to the evening.
I suppose what I was asking here is, would you be willing to, for a fee, of course,
perform that act sort of as part of the as part of the the closing of the of the gala does that sound like something you'd be willing to do will the real Casey Perry be there we've made inquiries and
where are we hang on I'll just bring up the email that she
so she's she's responded saying
that sounds incredible I can rearrange my tour and be there and then she's offered some dates and times.
So if I was to sort of cross-reference those with you, would that be something you'd be interested in?
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, anything I can do for you in the hospital, then obviously it would be great to meet Katie Perry.
Lovely.
And finally get all this wax out of my system as well.
So yeah, that's all positive, to be honest.
And will Orlando Bloom be there, or will that bring back sort of quite bad memories for the guy?
I was going to surprise you with this on the day, but in preparation, Orlando Bloom has actually swallowed a candle himself.
He said it brought him back to his childhood.
What they want to do is they sort of want to do a double, if that's okay.
So it would be both of you either side of Katie who will have
a taper of some kind and she'll light the two of you and then start singing.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
I mean, who'd have thought last night when I
ate a candle thinking that it was a starter,
that less than 24 hours later, I'd be being booked to perform, you know, live with Casey Perry and Orlando Bloom.
It just shows, doesn't it, that like
whatever life puts in front of you, just swallow it.
If I was to give my professional opinion as a doctor, if life puts something in front of you, swallow it.
Thank you, Dr.
Sam.
I'll be in touch about sorting that out.
Great.
Yay,
I'll send over the details.
How exciting.
Best luck with the rest of the bulletin, and I hope you get to speak to the chap that you're trying to get hold of.
Breaking news on that one.
We've just heard that...
Sadly, Mr.
Alejandro Gomez has been hit by a golf cart piloted by a pig.
and we wish him all the best with his recovery.
So that's the end of today's World Beef Bulletin.
We're back tomorrow.
Until then, beef out.
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