In Retrospect.. Our First Decade & an Autism Diagnosis

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Speaker 8 All right, it is Wednesday again and another episode

Speaker 2 of Kate and Ty Break It Down. Kate and Ty Break It Down episode, whatever.
I don't even know.

Speaker 8 I don't even know what episode it is, but it's funny because today, this episode lands on our 10-year anniversary.

Speaker 2 10-year wedding anniversary.

Speaker 8 Yeah, 10 years married.

Speaker 2 10 years married. We've been together 18 years.
Don't get it twisted.

Speaker 8 I know, because when I was telling Nova that today, I'm like, yeah, today's, you know, our 10-year anniversary. She's like, I thought it was longer than that.
I'm like, it is.

Speaker 8 But we've been married 10 years together for a long time.

Speaker 2 Little kids always do that. They're like, oh, you got together when you got married.

Speaker 8 Like, you're, you know, Nova was like, oh, I thought it was longer than that.

Speaker 2 But we have been married 10 years. Yeah.
I always tell her it's the age that she is. Right.
Like, you were nine months old. We got married.
Yeah, we'll never be able to forget it.

Speaker 8 She's the same age that we are when we got married.

Speaker 2 Okay, how do you feel a decade into marriage? What, what, what's your, uh, What are you thinking?

Speaker 8 I feel it's fine.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.
Because everyone always says, like, you know, seven-year itch and, you know, or whatever, five years you have these problems or whatever. Like, I'm just like, okay.

Speaker 8 I never got the seven-year itch.

Speaker 2 We're a decade in. Yeah.
How do you feel about it? I feel great.

Speaker 2 I actually feel sometimes I'm like,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 almost like too good to be true in a way. Like, because you just hear so many horror stories.

Speaker 8 Well, I mean, our first year of marriage was hell.

Speaker 2 It was hard.

Speaker 2 You know what's weird is that even though the first year of marriage was hard, we already like technically we were already together for so long before yeah but the first year of marriage was crazy it was yeah but i feel like the first year of marriage for most people they're dating for a few years before that we were dating a long ass time no we were

Speaker 2 a really long time you know what i'm saying so yeah um but yeah first year of marriage was was interesting it was rough it was very rough yeah and we had rough i mean i think every marriage has its rough patches throughout the years you know what i mean how would you like categorize our rough patches like like if you you could break it down, like, okay, this was the worst.

Speaker 2 That was like.

Speaker 8 I think it was just a lot of the mental health stuff that sucked.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean? Trying, me trying to figure out what it is, how do I deal with it, all the things.

Speaker 8 You feeling like you're having to be like a caretaker or to like try to fix it or, you know, whatever, like caregiving, whatever, what is that called?

Speaker 2 Caretaking fatigue or something.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you wanted to take a break and then you'd be separated because of mental health shit.
And

Speaker 2 the break was so stupid the break wasn't even you know remember we went to that you you were suggesting we go to this couples thing like couples thing in Arizona it was like this very holistic spiritual thing

Speaker 2 and I remember that that's where I got like kind of that when remember we were talking that first girl we ever talked to yeah and she was talking about these certain things and I kept coming back to the conclusion well oh well we just need to separate for a minute like two people as individual we need to separate and not separate as and break up but like I get what I got from what she was saying was like oh a break.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, all right.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It was hard.
I got it. I understood what she was saying, but at the same time, when we executed it, I was like, this is so stupid.

Speaker 8 I know. You like bought a whole bed and a different mattress and everything.

Speaker 2 I was about to stay in the other house.

Speaker 8 Yeah, you're staying at the other house.

Speaker 2 Renovating the other house.

Speaker 8 And then he would come over and spend the night all the time, anyways. I'm like, this is fucking pointless.
And then he would leave.

Speaker 8 And then I'd cry and be upset and thinking he's going to leave me and all the things.

Speaker 2 And it's crazy because I inside did not want to leave. But I kept telling myself, wait, though, you made this commitment.
You said it out loud. You're going to separate and do this 30-day.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? I don't know, really. I don't know if I can.

Speaker 2 It was a waste of time. But I, well, okay, I won't say a waste of time because what it did, what it did reveal to me was like, well, this is, well, I should have followed my gut.
I feel like.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Follow your gut with what?

Speaker 2 I should have followed my gut and just like not did it.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 8 I felt when we were going through that period of time too, with the whole separation, I remember talking to people and being like, I wonder if this is something with him.

Speaker 8 Like you, you have to have some form of like chaos in your life for life to feel normal and natural.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 8 Like, that's kind of what, how I felt was at that, during that time. And I'm like, maybe he just needs like, cause things were like.
going smooth. I was out of treatment.

Speaker 8 I was doing better, all the things. And then all of a sudden I was like, capow, here's this now.
And you're pregnant on top of it. And I was like, it was just like like so, so much.

Speaker 2 I wonder if the pregnancy triggered that thought process because, in a way, because I was like, all right, like, I knew that I had to dive into certain stuff when you were gone.

Speaker 2 And like, okay, how do I handle?

Speaker 2 It was hard to handle my own shit inside while simultaneously feeling like I need to walk on egg toes because you're a newly released.

Speaker 2 No, I get you. Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Like, I didn't want to, oh, okay, how, like, so I knew I had to like bring it up eventually and talk about like the feelings I was having, but i i didn't want to like uh ruin any progress you made or you know what i'm saying it's important for you to be able to share however you were feeling or you know or whatever was going on um

Speaker 2 well it just felt i just felt like it just felt like almost like my issues weren't like they weren't a priority or they didn't as matter as much as yours or

Speaker 2 like if i had any slight um

Speaker 2 you know like disagreement or not disagreement and any any slight like uh annoyed with anything. It was like, I was not allowed to feel that way.
I wasn't allowed to feel frustrated.

Speaker 2 I wasn't allowed to feel that way. Do you feel like I made you feel that way? Or it wasn't necessarily you.
It was more or less like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think just being, okay, being the caretaker, quote unquote, whatever.

Speaker 2 And then feeling like, okay, I gotta, almost gotta, like, caretake you a little bit too, because you just got out of treatment and like, you're so sensitive and vulnerable.

Speaker 2 And I didn't, I was like, when is the right time to talk about how I'm feeling? I guess. Like, when, when is the right time to talk about this? Because it's a hard conversation.
It wasn't fair.

Speaker 2 You just got out. Like, what am I supposed to do? You get out.
And I was like, like, hey, by the way,

Speaker 2 but yeah, like it was, it was, I didn't know how to, like, it was, I didn't know when a time was right to talk about it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I think a part of me was like, okay, we're just gonna like, everything's good until, you know, eventually you just kind of like speak or whatever.

Speaker 8 So no, and I can understand, yeah, but well, because I think what I was going through at that time was very severe and was very big and huge.

Speaker 8 So I can get why you thought you felt like, you know, that yours weren't being prioritized and stuff, which that's shitty. You shouldn't have to feel like that.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But do you remember when I brought it up to you about like, oh, this is what the therapist is saying and all that stuff? And you were like, very like, uh-uh. Like, I got the vibe immediately.

Speaker 2 Like, it wasn't brought up what? When our therapist brought up, okay, this is what we should do. I can't remember what it was.
We should do some certain stuff.

Speaker 2 And you were like, just like immediately like, well, that doesn't make any sense. And it was like, it was almost like your treatment and your stuff was allowed and it was good.

Speaker 2 And there's no reason to question it. But when I went to my therapist and brought the stuff that they brought to me back to you, to whatever, it was like met with rejection.

Speaker 2 And that's what made me feel like, okay, maybe mine isn't as, oh, you know, I'm sorry. No, I said,

Speaker 2 I know it's happening a while ago. No, I know.

Speaker 8 But no, I remember, I do remember thinking, I'm like, your therapist just fucking hates me. Secretly, she hates me.
She does not like me.

Speaker 2 And I think that is wrong because I think that also made

Speaker 2 like you reject what her opinions were or what her

Speaker 8 fuck. You want to separate? Like, she doesn't fucking live here.
She just doesn't even like me. I'm just talking about in that mindset

Speaker 2 that time. But see, and it's funny because you're sitting here thinking the therapist doesn't like you, so she's out to get you or whatever the case, or whatever it was.

Speaker 2 And then I'm over here, like, wow, like, not, I'm over here, like, wow, you just don't care about my stuff. You're the, you're the main victim.
You're the priority.

Speaker 2 You're the, yeah, and that wasn't my mind. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 But do you get why I would feel that way? Yeah, no, I don't know. That's what I brought up to you.
You were immediately just, uh-uh, like, this is stupid. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 8 And I think because subconsciously, it brings up a trigger of mine for sure about, you know, definite love being like abandoned by the people that love me who knows i'm just like talking you know trying you know or whatever but i think a lot of people can relate to that like when you have people who are going through very severe mental illness and some you know sometimes for the first time like them feeling like their mental health is prioritized over the other person's and that's not fair at all yeah i mean and i it was so it was weird to like navigate how to like bring it up yeah i'll never forget when i found out i was part of the veda came in the door because i went to the hospital to get a blood test on came into the door, and I'm like, yep, and you were, he was just sitting on the counter drinking a 50 Jaegermeister.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, no. Son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch. I just knew it wasn't the right time.

Speaker 2 And I think, like, it just wasn't the right time. And I think even you knew that wasn't the right time.
You just got a treatment. Everything was just so fresh and raw.

Speaker 2 And we still had so much other stuff going on.

Speaker 8 We should have been using birth control.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't understand.

Speaker 8 Obviously, we wanted to have another baby because

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know why.

Speaker 8 What was it? But also, like, when she was born, and like, all we were in a great place, too. Oh, yeah.
And it's been great ever since. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, so I almost feel like her pregnancy really was like a catalyst for well, her, your pregnancy. Yeah.
Her, her, like, you know, you being pregnant with her was a catalyst.

Speaker 2 Like, all right, listen, Tyler, you can't be silent no more. Baby, the new baby's coming.
Like, you're, you can't be worried that she's because then I remember my therapist saying that, um,

Speaker 2 uh, like, you have to give her the respect to know how to to handle hard stuff okay and i was like okay but how rude of it is me to tell her how i feel when she just got a treatment she's all you know what i mean and i remember her being like no like you it's it's like she's got enough work she's got enough tools she's had enough stuff on herself that she you know she can handle this she you know you give her enough respect to to be able to handle it and i was like all right all right fine all right yeah which obviously was hard and it was sad for me for sure but i was like all right if he's gonna go sleep at the house alone i guess go for it, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the worst. It was actually the worst time ever because I just got in that little crappy day bed and was like,

Speaker 2 This is stupid. I remember thinking in my head, like, and it makes me think, though, it's like, listen, like, I know

Speaker 2 that our generation is more self-aware, and we're going to therapy,

Speaker 2 yeah, which is a great thing, it's a good thing, it's honestly a great thing. On the flip side of that, though, it's like there are times I think when I hear something the therapist says, I'm like,

Speaker 8 it doesn't align with me and usually it doesn't feel right.

Speaker 2 It doesn't feel right for me. I get why you think that as a therapist and you're telling me this and like oh, I get why that would apply maybe someone else, but to me inside it doesn't feel that way.

Speaker 2 I think it goes back to remember when you said something about like your therapist mentioned like doing a um something with your mom and i'm like you know like having an ultimatum or whatever i can't remember what it was oh yeah yeah yeah about her like she has to have so many days so many days sober before you even like do it.

Speaker 2 Remember and I remember thinking your head like I don't know my mad therapist and like I need to have so many days sober.

Speaker 2 I'm like, does that fit with you? Right. And you were like, no, I'm like, okay, then you know what? Like if it's creating more stress for you, thinking about, okay, I need to make,

Speaker 2 it just puts too much pressure sometimes. And if the therapist's advice doesn't align with you.

Speaker 8 And then I think it goes and then but also I think that I feel like it's also up to the the patient then too. Like if it doesn't fit with you saying like that doesn't really feel good to me.

Speaker 8 Like is there a different way I could go about it that feels right for me? You're right, but still doing it in the positive way or setting good boundaries or whatever.

Speaker 8 But yeah, I think that, you know, in those moments is when you say, well, that doesn't really feel good for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I think it's important to know that in therapy, like, you're in the driver's seat too.

Speaker 2 So, like, this person is a professional, but at the same time, they're giving you this advice and this kind of based off of what your needs are. So you

Speaker 2 say your need, like, hey, that doesn't fit with me. Right.
That makes me really uncomfortable. And maybe.

Speaker 8 When I get you, they will give you another opportunity that does the thing that you're trying to get done, but in a way that feels comfortable for you. Frank, I remember

Speaker 2 even Dr. Drew, or I think it was him, who suggested having a funeral for my dad.
And I remember being like, absolutely not. Yeah, you're like, no,

Speaker 2 that doesn't fit with me. Right.
That doesn't make any sense to me.

Speaker 8 And then you found out what works for you and what feels good for you. So that way you don't ever have any regrets.

Speaker 2 in the future. But I think some people have a hard time like, oh, oh, my therapist said this.
I should do this.

Speaker 8 That's what I'm saying. Speak up and say, no, that doesn't feel right to me.
Or

Speaker 8 I think we can do that a different way because.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 and i and i think it's hard to balance it because you don't know if you're uncomfortable that's the whole is that the whole point the therapist wants you to be uncomfortable you need you know what i mean well change is uncomfortable yeah right it is hard to kind of

Speaker 2 that's what i mean like speaking up and telling them like that doesn't feel right to me about you they can have they have a different something yeah you have to almost have a balance of like your own intuition and this guided advice it's not concrete it's not written law what the therapist is telling you no and i and yeah like if it doesn't feel right yeah you're right just tell a therapist eh, eh, no, that ain't gonna work for me.

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Speaker 8 But I would have to say, so like, you know, ever since the like mental health stuff, though, that we went through, I mean, things have been really good. I think we learned a lot about each other.

Speaker 2 I think we,

Speaker 8 you know,

Speaker 8 how to navigate through life and talk about things. And

Speaker 2 when you think about it, that was Veda. I mean, she's, she's six.
She's like, gonna be seven years ago. She's seven pretty soon.
So that was, you know, seven years ago. Longer.
I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's like, yeah, true. Because sooner you were pregnant with her.

Speaker 2 So, I think it's one of those things where, like, you know, actually, Becky asked me the question: like, what makes you how do you keep your relationship so strong when kids get entered the mix?

Speaker 2 Because I told her when we were, when I was talking to her for her podcast, I was like, hey, like, I think it's really naive to think that you're going to, it's like people have had this dream, like, oh, it's me and my person.

Speaker 2 I love them so much. We're just going to add a little baby that we that is like me and her

Speaker 2 together. Oh my God, that's it.
It's like, no, no, no. Everything changes.

Speaker 2 Your dynamic changes, scheduling changes, effort, mood, just everything changed with the change.

Speaker 8 You have to talk even more. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to build resentments. Yeah, I know, exactly.
Yeah. So it's like, it's a totally different,

Speaker 2 it changes everything. So I think, you know, like even with Veda, like Nova's, Nova's experience of being a parent was different and hard.
And then Veda was like, it's crazy when you think about it.

Speaker 2 Like, dang.

Speaker 8 Well, I feel like, too, because, I mean, this is our first time ever being parents and,

Speaker 8 you know, ever living life.

Speaker 2 So it's like, yeah, they always say that your children always get a different version of you which is so true like i was a different parent with nova i'm a different parent with veda i was a different parent with raya still all the same morals and values but it's just i've learned along the way well and also it's like i think you you're constantly every every child is going to get a different parent because you're at a different stage in life when you had this one things are different now the second one they're not no none of these children are gonna get the same exact parent right even the even even if you have them you know three years apart like that first child is gonna have a different experience as you as a parent than the secondborn child or the first right and like i said you still have like the same beliefs and everything it's just yeah it's hard to but you're at a different understanding of life and so and i think like you know like how you were talking about talking with becky or whatever like it is harder to um

Speaker 8 be

Speaker 8 like a husband and a wife when you have so many kids and routines and things going on. It's just you have to make time for that.

Speaker 2 yeah and i think it's weird too because i think people can take it too far where they're like oh

Speaker 2 you know you have to like prioritize spouse over child and i'm like i i understand it to a specific point

Speaker 2 but at the same time i am a parent and you're a parent of the same kid so i know for a fact i would much rather if subconsciously we could just like telepathically talk to each other like hey i i want you to take care of the kid before you even think about taking care of me you know what i'm saying?

Speaker 2 Like, like, I, I, I, like, I, but then I hear as other people go, oh, no, like, you need to treat your spouse first and all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, but I feel like me and you are different.

Speaker 2 Like, I, I, like, it's almost like, oh, save, save the spouse before you save the kids. It's not happening.
I don't know. It's not happening.

Speaker 2 Right. Because I know you

Speaker 2 would want me to save the kid first. Yeah.
So I will not. I'll throw a step on the bottom.
You know what I'm saying? Yes.

Speaker 2 That's what I mean.

Speaker 2 And this whole thing, like, oh, I can't remember where it was from, but I believe it was from scripture or something where it's like, oh, the house, the boat was sinking, and then, you know, the husband saves the wife, the wife saves the husband, whatever.

Speaker 2 And then they save the kids. And in my head, I'm like,

Speaker 2 that's twisted.

Speaker 2 I get what you're saying, but also, I know my wife would not want me to save her over our kids. Yeah.
I know you would want me to save the kids first. And then if I can save you, I will.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. But, like, I don't know.
It's one of those things where it's like, people think they're just going to add a little baby in the mix.

Speaker 2 And no, it changes everything.

Speaker 8 Because I remember even like, even with Carly, but then even more so with Nova.

Speaker 8 Like, I remember when she was born, and just like the few, even just seconds and minutes afterwards, I looked, the world was looked completely different to me.

Speaker 8 Yeah, and I don't think anybody can understand that until they become a parent. Like,

Speaker 8 everything that, how I ever thought, thought of the world, thought of myself, thought of everything, it completely fucking changed.

Speaker 8 And the world actually became a very scary place.

Speaker 2 Yeah, remember I told you how, like, whoa, I never realized that all it would take, I mean, I am, i'm the weakest person on the planet because all you have to do if you snatch my kid up yeah and hold a gun to their head and tell me to fucking bite my tongue off right i'm gonna bite my fucking like you i cut your arm off bitch i will cut my arm off right because you just have my kid in your arms with a like so it's like dude you don't realize how vulnerable you are until you have kids yeah it just it changes your whole perspective everything yeah and so of course that's gonna change how you are like in a relationship too you know what i mean

Speaker 8 parenting's hard did did becky say they're doing good though? Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 She was like, everything, yeah, she said that everything's great. That's good.
He's a cutie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why? Working.

Speaker 8 Speaking of the devils.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. I don't want to pause.
Sorry for the intermission.

Speaker 8 Kids.

Speaker 2 Back to school, though.

Speaker 2 I can't wait. I know.
I know. I can't wait either.
Oh, yeah. Working at home with kids during.
Yeah, it's interesting. Well, it's difficult.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 We don't have babysitters and a bunch of help, you know.

Speaker 2 Your niece moved out, so there goes that.

Speaker 2 But it was funny when you were gone, I was thinking, I was like, man, I wonder, like, so many things that I think about, like, if I would have known certain stuff about myself back then, what would have been different?

Speaker 2 Would my reaction have been different or my thought process would have been different? Well, of course. You know, like, would I, would I have, like, paused more? Would I have, like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 8 Well, because we grow and we learn, of course, we'd be different. 10 years and a lifetime to go there, honey.
Yep.

Speaker 2 I'm just thinking, like, if I would have known about my stuff, if being autistic or being being on the spectrum,

Speaker 2 would that have changed my therapy? For sure. You know what I'm saying? Like, would that jump right into that, huh? Well, yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 you just got me thinking, like, wow, there's so many things that could have been.

Speaker 8 Okay, but you need to start from the beginning.

Speaker 2 Of what?

Speaker 8 Like, what even made you want to go and see if you were autistic?

Speaker 2 Because Veda. Okay.
Because going, seeing her,

Speaker 2 like.

Speaker 2 Growing up, my mom was just so focused on me not having meltdowns and just being, you know, so that I just thought, oh, i'm just a i'm just a adhd hyper kid

Speaker 2 whatever all my behavioral issues in school is just because i'm a pretty much can't control myself or whatever the hell it was you know what i mean

Speaker 2 so but then what like watching veda and just like okay like

Speaker 2 yeah and i'm a little bit more of a a present parent i think my mom could have been back then you know what i mean so with more knowledge about this kind of stuff so i'm like oh wow like maybe

Speaker 2 like you know just seeing so many things in veda that i'm like oh my god i get why she's doing that.

Speaker 2 Or, oh my God, when I was a kid, I remember doing that and thinking, and like wondering, why doesn't anyone understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Or how important this stupid little thing is to me, you know what I mean? Which I first thing I noticed is that small things that should not be a big deal are huge deal to her. Oh, to Veda?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, like, it could be the ponytails not right in the thing.

Speaker 8 No, I mean, for instance, her nighttime routine is very much like, I have to put the eye mask on her head. We have to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
I have to give her a kiss and a hug.

Speaker 8 And then, you know, it's like, and even the one night she was like, opens her door, mom, you didn't put my face mask on. I said, you know how to put it on.
Put it on.

Speaker 8 No, you have to put it on. And I was like, okay.
So I went in there and I put it on. So yeah, she's just very like, and I think you're right.
Like

Speaker 8 going through her school stuff and everything too, I think it probably brought some awareness to you too, because we're learning about Veda and who she is as a person and what helps her

Speaker 2 in her difficulties in school.

Speaker 2 And it's like dude i was kicked out of school yeah multiple daycares problem yeah no right but multiple daycares just just kicked out like not not said hey you should probably get your son checked out it was just like he's crazy get him out of here well because i think people feel and i think it's and i think it's wrong i think it's because like culturally we look at autism as like they have to be severely autistic for it to even

Speaker 2 come to their mind.

Speaker 8 And it's like, that's not the case at all. It's a spectrum for a reason.

Speaker 2 And I think like, I don't know, I just remember

Speaker 2 going through through life thinking okay

Speaker 2 everyone's probably dealing with the same thing that i am everyone

Speaker 2 and we're not

Speaker 2 like no my mind does not do that no i don't do that no and you're like what i know it's just like dude like how

Speaker 2 it blows my mind to think like that's like the one time we were laying in bed he's like does your head does your brain ever just be like silent like nothing is running through it or like saying anything i'm like yeah and he's like what like there could just be nothing there and i'm like yeah like just like even just watching something and i can almost tell that you I can almost tell that you're able to do it yeah and I remember being a younger kid and watching and being like oh okay like I think it makes sense why caffeine just didn't affect me why certain stuff just behavioral things didn't make sense it didn't make sense and it wasn't that I could just my mom's biggest thing just shut your mouth just shut your mouth listen right and it was like in my mind though it was like

Speaker 2 I it was impossible. It's almost like I didn't have my sleeping mask on.
You didn't put it on. You know what I mean? So now I'm in the middle.
I'm like freaking out. It's like a thing.

Speaker 2 It's like, it's this, it totally

Speaker 2 overrides your whole thought process.

Speaker 8 But then I remember also before you got tested for autism, you looked up the, what, the statistic of like people being diagnosed as bipolar, but it's really autism, right? It's high.

Speaker 8 So it's just a misdiagnosis.

Speaker 2 Misdiagnosis, ADHD and bipolar.

Speaker 8 And you've been diagnosed both.

Speaker 2 Bro.

Speaker 2 And I remember them telling me that I was bipolar and just feeling inside like this doesn't sit with me

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 I'm like, the mood swings are the only thing that hits me. No, there's more than that.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, like, but you know, like, my pole wars, biggest thing is like maniac episodes and coming down and being slow things for a while and coming up and being euphoric and all this stuff.

Speaker 2 And I remember thinking, like, I just never felt like I had that big of extremes, which I don't think you do either.

Speaker 8 As far as like the super highs and then super, super lows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're not like that.

Speaker 2 But it was the mood swings that the only thing that got me inside my head. And then when I was talking to the lady and she was like, well, it's because you were talking to what lady?

Speaker 2 The lady who was giving me the test and talking for weeks or that woman who did the whole diagnosis. Yes, the whole diagnosis.
And she was talking about how

Speaker 2 she's like, you know, your mood swings are based off of things not going right in your weird little routine. So that I won't be able to understand.
Your wife will never be able to understand fully.

Speaker 2 She's like, you know, you can explain as much as you can about how.

Speaker 2 These things operate in your head and how when one thing is just off, it just,

Speaker 2 you know, and she's like, so these mood swings come across as in like, oh, you just got something just really frustrated you real quick. And it's like, it's, it's, it, it's always felt more than that.

Speaker 2 And remember, you asked me, what's wrong with you? And I remember being like, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Speaker 8 Yeah. And I'm like, how do you not know?

Speaker 8 Nothing even happened and you're just mad.

Speaker 2 And it's like, I think because I wasn't paying attention close enough to what was off that made me that extreme. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so like, I was so it's like when you asked me what's wrong, I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea.
All I know is that I'm just really frustrated. Yeah.
All out of nowhere.

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Speaker 2 Have a great day.

Speaker 8 So, obviously, you did the test and everything, and she came back saying you were on the spectrum.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she was like, you know, she's like, but what's really common for your age and being a late,

Speaker 2 you know, early adult kind of diagnosis is that you are, I rank super high in masking,

Speaker 2 which she's like, what you've done is you've dissected all the things socially growing up. And she's like, and you know what's acceptable and what's not acceptable.

Speaker 2 It's like, that's what, that's what makes you not on the other extreme side of this

Speaker 2 to where you know you have to be a certain way to fit in or to seem normal or whatever and and and you know socially okay so you do that she's like but inside it's just a chaotic anxiety storm.

Speaker 2 And it doesn't come across externally because you've done so much. You're 30.
You've been doing it for so long. Yeah, which is crazy.

Speaker 8 Cause I remember even being like younger and stuff, like

Speaker 8 you were, you were friends with everybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know what I mean? Like everybody liked Ty, like, but it was because I was extroverted.
I almost like took extra, being an extrovert as in like to the extreme. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember talking to her about how, like, well, you know, inside I would be like just a tornado of anxiety and freaking out and worried about all this stuff.

Speaker 2 And then when I got to the thing that I was anticipating, I would just just very express

Speaker 2 it was my only way to get out of it. If I didn't do it, if I didn't enter and do that, I would, I would retreat.
Like me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't do it. And she's like, yeah, that's your, your coping strategy is, is, um, is, that's called masking.
She's like, you've done this really well.

Speaker 2 And then she was also talking about like certain hobbies that I had about reading random stuff.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah. You get like super into certain things.

Speaker 2 Like, and she's like, like, oh my gosh. She's like, yeah.
So she's like, that's probably why. I'll get a rabbit holes out of nowhere.

Speaker 8 It's like, what the fuck?

Speaker 8 Up till four in the morning, fucking looking at crazy shit.

Speaker 2 Like, I'll get like into something so really quickly and I'll like digest so much information about that thing. And then, and then I move on and do something else.

Speaker 2 And she was like, you know, that's probably why you're harder to detect because

Speaker 2 you speak about things that you've learned and you're so broad.

Speaker 2 You're like, not even close to being an expertise in anything you just have so much sliver of knowledge of randomness right you know what i mean a whole bunch of things yeah so like that you apply socially so that way

Speaker 8 it doesn't seem like anything's wrong with you which is interesting because like your dad's very much like that like very when he gets into a group of people he's very overly extroverted and stuff too which is interesting i remember being a kid and being like you're obnoxious you're loud like

Speaker 2 about yourself yes and i'm like well i feel like i need to be that way well yeah because i mean everybody loved everybody loved you growing up.

Speaker 8 I mean, Ty would hang out with the jocks, the goths, the works, the, you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I think it's interesting because that's what got me so interested in just reading about sociology because the study of social beings is so interesting.

Speaker 2 And she was like, it's because you were, that's you trying to figure out the best way to live in it, to be in it. You know, you can't survive in this world without being a social creature.

Speaker 2 And you figure that out very young. And we all do.

Speaker 8 And you, so that's what you've done so what did it feel i mean did what did it feel like when you got the diagnosis back that you are on the spectrum i did it make sense did it make a make a lot of

Speaker 2 like oh like a big sigh of relief and then i got really sad now it's like wow you got really sad yeah oh yeah because i just thought about all the stuff i went through as a kid And just I felt so sad for that little kid who just went and just was like, what's wrong with me?

Speaker 2 What's wrong with me? Something's wrong. Why am I not normal? Why, why is this so easily for other people? Right, and probably, why can't I just shut up?

Speaker 2 And I even talked to her when we were talking, and I was like, you know, there are certain things that I felt like I needed to do as a kid that just didn't fit with me. I wanted to draw.

Speaker 2 My mom was like, you need to do baseball. You know, I wanted to create stories with my action figures.
And she wanted, like, I, and I knew I didn't fit. I knew it wasn't right.

Speaker 2 I knew I didn't fit in with, I tried baseball. It didn't work for me.
Yeah. And like, it just made so much sense of like, why.

Speaker 2 But see, I look back at my, when a kid, I'm like, wow, poor, poor kid. Like, you just thought something was wrong with you.
Why am I not liking this stuff that normal people like?

Speaker 2 You know, why am I obsessing about body language? Why am I obsessing about, why am I focusing on everyone in the corner of the room and hyper-fixating on strangers? Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like trying to assess my thing. Why? No one else does this.
And it drove me. I'm like, when I found out that, like, no one, not everyone does it that way.
I'm like, what?

Speaker 8 And I think it's totally, and I think it's normal and it's okay to feel sad for your younger self.

Speaker 2 But I think that also it wasn't as known about yeah when we were younger you know what i mean like but it makes sense think about how many times have we gone throughout life and tyler you're too harsh you're too abrasive you know you you don't you can't just say stuff like that right and i'm like oh my god like you're right like i and so even growing up it's like dude like Just saying things unfiltered, just

Speaker 2 I don't even, it doesn't even, I don't, I don't even think about what I'm saying. Right.
I'm just been a problem with with your hair. It has.
And I, and I'm like, dude.

Speaker 2 And I remember thinking, like, I, why am I like this? Like, why can't I understand that? That would be hard.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Because in my head, I'm like, what's so difficult about it? You know that you have gray hair. Right.
I'm just

Speaker 2 like, you know, I'm just being like, what, what's the big deal? Like, you know, and like, I think just learning how to balance all that is stressful.

Speaker 8 And so do they, like, so when you get like a diagnosis, a diagnosis of being autistic and stuff, do they give you like-

Speaker 8 well no but do they give you like any like

Speaker 2 things you have to do after the fact of finding you're autistic like finding out like is there specific therapies that you should do is there they have a lot of yeah they give me a lot of suggestions and stuff to read and that kind of stuff but i'm not diving too deep into it because i know for a fact when i told her this i said listen i've been dealing with this my whole life i've been in my own brain it's the only one i've been in yeah it's exhausting it's draining but it's all i've known so i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna like dive too deep into this.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 I am who I am, yeah. But what if there?

Speaker 8 But what if there were ways to make it not so exhausting and

Speaker 2 a lot in your brain?

Speaker 8 There's not.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 There's just not. I could, I could do multiple, I could try multiple different things.
It's just, it's just the way my brain works.

Speaker 2 And so instead of trying to fix it, I'm just like, okay, let's have it, let's just live with this thing.

Speaker 2 And I think knowing this information makes me better aware.

Speaker 2 And I think about going back to, I was talking about therapy, how different would have been if I'd have been like, well, because I remember saying stuff to my therapist and I'm being like, whoa, weird, interesting.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, you know, sketch, sketch, sketch, whatever. Right now, whatever.

Speaker 2 Like, they would, you know, they would, well, the last thing the girl said was, like, you know, she's like, sometimes you, um,

Speaker 2 you speak like, try to speak so intelligently

Speaker 2 because when you're about to say something not very nice.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, oh, and she's like, that's, I think about, oh, if I would have known that, and then talking to that girl who was doing the thing with me, she's like, yeah, it's like that's you trying to like

Speaker 2 filt rinse rinse through your

Speaker 2 that is like you though, like you know, you can't like you try to be like more diplomatic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, try to be very diplomatic because you know I'm gonna say something that oh your hair hurt your feelings.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's a big deal. You think so.
I'm gonna be like, so we age.

Speaker 2 You try to like overexplain. Right, right.
When I'm gonna say something a little might be possibly hurtful. Yeah, but truthful.

Speaker 2 yeah, or hard, yeah, or hard to hear, or like, I don't know, like, it's weird. And

Speaker 8 so, does that make you think, like, should we get beta tested?

Speaker 2 I think, yeah, definitely, we definitely should. Yeah, I mean, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 8 But then, what is that? I mean, what is there like classes and stuff that parents can take, take like

Speaker 8 to teach us, like, how to deal with, I mean, you know, which since she is so like fixated on certain things, or when things don't go right, she gets

Speaker 2 what it comes down to is that, and I think going back to when I was a kid, what I needed the most was just a clear explanation. You can't tell me because this is how it is.
Oh, this is just how it is.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is the way the world works. It's like, no, no, no, you know what I'm saying? Like, so I think for Veda, it's like knowing that, like, okay,

Speaker 2 she has to be explained in detail until I can't explain it no more. Yeah, you know what I mean? She needs that thorough explanation.

Speaker 8 Yeah, she does.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Because some people, like, and I remember being a kid, and people used to think like you're so defiant and, you know, you just don't listen to rules.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 I'll listen to any rule that makes sense.

Speaker 8 Yeah, but not all rules are going to make sense to people.

Speaker 2 Then you shouldn't have the rule.

Speaker 8 No fucking life works.

Speaker 2 Well, it's in my head. No, yeah.
Don't understand. No, then

Speaker 2 it doesn't work. Okay, well, okay.
Why do you make a rule?

Speaker 8 To protect people.

Speaker 2 Okay, great. So you should be able to explain a rule that can protect somebody and the reason why it's in place.
Yeah. So yes, all rules should have an explanation of why.

Speaker 2 If you cannot explain why that rule is in place, then that rule has no merit. It's not valid.
It's pointless. What is the point? We don't need a rule then because there's no cause for the rule to be,

Speaker 8 yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I get saying so. I told, and I told them this a couple days ago, actually, I said, listen, I said, I don't care who it is, a teacher, cop, whatever.

Speaker 2 If they say this is how it is, you have a right to say, explain to me why.

Speaker 2 And you don't accept answers like, because I said so. because it's how it is.

Speaker 2 That's a lazy answer. And you challenge that adult, your peer, whoever it is, to

Speaker 8 and nobody's got a lot of me in it where she's not gonna push the envelope, she would just be like, Okay, okay, that's what you said.

Speaker 2 And see, that as a kid, I was looked at as defiant when really all I was looking for was explanation, right?

Speaker 8 Like clarification

Speaker 2 clarify with me why this is the way it is.

Speaker 2 And that rarely happened, I felt like as a kid, so then I would just freak out and I would be like, This doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 8 You know, it's crazy, I feel like our generation too, um, there's a lot more

Speaker 8 adults that are getting diagnosed not being on the side.

Speaker 2 I just read an article that there's scientists are believing that it could be a like trace back to Neanderthal. It could be an actual mutation in genes really from a Neanderthal days.

Speaker 8 The autism.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 8 But I wonder what makes it such, I wonder like what makes, because I'm not fully 100% educated in it, but like, you know, like my cousin's kid's autistic. We know autistic kids, things like that.

Speaker 8 But like, what makes it such a spectrum where some are just more severe and then others are super high functioning like what well i think that's i think it kind of goes down to like down syndrome for example like that that's a very someone could be like have you know what i mean like it just it's it's just part of just how it is interesting isn't it though because it's like how can one person be super high functioning but still

Speaker 8 have autistic tendencies and be on the spectrum and then you have some people who are can't live on their own even with autism and then you have others who can totally have a family and succeed and do things in life and still you know like that's kind of

Speaker 2 or could go your whole life thinking you're just, oh, you're just an ADHD

Speaker 2 temper guy. You know what I mean? When really, it's like, well, you know, so I don't, I mean,

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Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 8 And I think there's people out there too that are like, oh, like they're just heavy diagnosing it or whatever.

Speaker 8 And I'm like, no, I think we're just becoming more educated about it and realizing like, oh, maybe autism is more

Speaker 8 around than we've ever known.

Speaker 2 You know, like more people just have it. I think when people say, oh, you're over-diagnosing stuff.
And I'm like, well,

Speaker 2 you know, over-diagnosing something isn't really going to.

Speaker 2 It's not going to create a huge problem in my opinion, because we can always, we're just still learning about stuff.

Speaker 2 Like, it's like, it's like when the COVID first came out, this was how, oh, now we learn. You learn as things go on.

Speaker 2 So, if you don't want to trust somebody that they're overdiagnosed, then don't trust them, but then you're, then, then don't cry about it, I guess. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Like, don't want, don't, don't worry about it. Don't even be concerned about it because you're not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 8 You think you got your autism from your vaccines?

Speaker 2 Sorry, I just had to say it. There's

Speaker 2 these fucked up. Definitely not.

Speaker 2 My earliest memory is in the crib ripping wallpaper off, having a timber tantrum. The other thing is that

Speaker 2 when I was younger, food can't touch. It was just like,

Speaker 2 I had to stop myself from doing somersaults. For you,

Speaker 2 I was addicted to it. It was something wrong with me.
People don't even get it. I don't understand.

Speaker 2 I had to, and your mom pods on Laser. And I did talk to the girl about that.
I said, well, I had times where I was a kid and I would have somersault. And she even was like, what?

Speaker 2 Can you like talk about that more? I'm like, sure. I'd walk in the door, drop the pack pack off of my arm, and I would roll.
And I would roll on hard floor, off couches, and do a somersault.

Speaker 2 And I would never walk.

Speaker 8 So when you walk when you were in your house, right? You just never walk.

Speaker 2 You just rolled everything. I would walk everywhere else I knew wasn't acceptable.
I didn't even know. I remember going to school and getting in, like, I would get the urge.

Speaker 2 Like, it was like a trigger. Yes.
I'd get on my desk. I'd be like,

Speaker 2 like, you can't.

Speaker 8 And was it hard for you to force that to like not do it?

Speaker 2 I had to literally, it was like fighting, I swear, it's like fighting an addict as a kid, where it was like i had to be like i walked through a door or something where i like get off to get off the couch i'd be like huh and i was like oh no you can't roll you are grown and you can't roll and i remember thinking in my head you can't roll because what triggered that you think roll i was so into i was so into action movies and stuff yeah so and i was oh and like dude it makes so much i would always repeat and i would watch movies over and over again like like no kidding like rewind the tape like and Amber would, my sister get pissed, like, oh my God.

Speaker 2 And I would watch it, and I would watch it as intently as I did the first time I ever watched it. I'd memorize films, and I would go and I would, like, do the whole skit.

Speaker 2 And I was all into like that action shit. So the ones I started rolling, I don't know what something about it, just like.

Speaker 8 What made you stop? Was it your mom that said you had to stop?

Speaker 2 Yes. She was like, Tyler,

Speaker 2 something's going on. I was like, dude.
And I was walking much. But yeah.
And my mom was like, and I remember being like, mom, I know something's wrong.

Speaker 2 I knew. you're like, I'm sick at school, I'm on a roll, and I can't.

Speaker 2 That's crazy, dude. I knew something was wrong with me.

Speaker 2 So, I knew it, and she was like, You can't do that no more. And I'm like, You're right, I can't do that no more.
I know I can't roll, I can't thermostault everyone.

Speaker 8 Was she like thinking about taking you to a therapist?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so she was like, You gotta go somewhere and figure this out-like, you're OCD or something. Like, you're like, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Stop rolling everywhere. And one of my sister's friends came over after a couple months or whatever.
And he's and she, and he was like, Dude, I didn't, didn't, I thought your brother was handicapped.

Speaker 2 I thought he walked, I didn't know he fucked up.

Speaker 2 I swear, he was like, I did not know he could walk.

Speaker 2 I thought he was like a perma roller. Like, he just permanently rolled everywhere because he had issues.
Cause Amber was like, he has issues.

Speaker 2 And he's like, what's the fuck, Tyler? Tyler, what the hell is going on? And I remember thinking, like, how weird, because some of her friends were extra, like, hey, Tyler. How are you doing?

Speaker 2 And I remember being like, they thought something was really wrong with you.

Speaker 8 Oh my God, because you're just rolling around everywhere.

Speaker 2 And, like, yeah, so I think that's what it came from. Action movies and just rolling somersault, and I would act that out.

Speaker 2 And then I don't know, I couldn't stop.

Speaker 8 I mean, it sounds like

Speaker 8 how you're explaining it, like with the whole movies and watching them on repeat and all those things. I mean, that makes sense.
That sounds like somebody with autism.

Speaker 8 I mean, it really, you know what I mean? Like, being how they get very interested in things.

Speaker 2 And then my mom, I would go and print stuff off, and I would run and read these random stuff. My mom's like, what's going on? And I would, like, you know, I'm still, I still do it today.

Speaker 2 I get hyper-obsessed about suffering, yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 And like, that's crazy. I wonder if

Speaker 8 autism, like, it's not hereditary, is it?

Speaker 8 Yeah, you know, yes, they believe that it is hereditary, yeah, because it just makes me think of like your dad, like your dad has been diagnosed bipolar, I know, and things like that, drugs, yeah, all okay.

Speaker 2 And she was like, So, what do you do? And I'm like, Well, I'm, I, you know, I smoke weed, and she's like, That's like, it was just so common.

Speaker 2 All the things that you try to do to feel like once you find something undiagnosed, oh my God, what makes you feel a sliver? Oh, this is how other people are.

Speaker 2 Or this is more, oh, this makes me more, whatever, functional, slow down, whatever. Don't think about things as much.
And that's what you do.

Speaker 2 You, you, you, you try to like almost, you know, like, uh, I almost want to go, I want to Google that.

Speaker 8 Like, because I mean, it's interesting. I mean, I mean, I'm married to an autistic person.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You know, like, I have autistic children.
No, I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 2 For anyone who who has gotten, like, diagnosed or anything, like, reading the report is a very, because every report's going to be different for each individual, but it's a really kind of surreal, intense experience to read yourself, read it from

Speaker 2 myself on a piece of paper with all these things.

Speaker 8 It's, oh, yeah, it says that autism is hereditary and therefore it does run in families.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 8 A majority, around 80% of autism cases can be linked to inherited genetic mutations. That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Yes. Which is why they're thinking that they're tracing it all the way back to Neanderthals.
It could be like a mutation in Neanderthals that kept

Speaker 2 breeding.

Speaker 8 But it says, too, like a lot of them have difficulties understanding social cues, which you don't. No,

Speaker 8 but some people do.

Speaker 2 Well, that's why I talked to her.

Speaker 2 And I thought it was so interesting because when she asked me the question, Do you like I had to fill all this stuff, and do you understand social cues? And it was like, Because I studied them.

Speaker 2 Does that make sense? It's not because I genuinely

Speaker 2 feel, oh no, it's like, oh, there it is, which is why I was so hyper-focused on studying body language and people that don't know normal social cues just irk you to the core to the fullest.

Speaker 8 Like we had this friend. Okay, so we had this friend you guys like that would never leave the house like when we were younger.
And so like he would come over and stuff and be there like all day.

Speaker 8 And then finally it gets, it's like nine o'clock at night. And I'm like, I'm going to go take a shower, you know, and I would say it out loud.

Speaker 8 And then I'd get out of the shower and he's still sitting on the couch. And Tyler, he's like,

Speaker 2 I said, it is night night, there are crickets going on. I said, I'm gonna take a shower, I guess.
I mean, as a, even as an autistic person, I'm like, oh, social cue, gotta go. You're right.

Speaker 2 They're saying they gotta take a shower.

Speaker 8 Like, so I wonder if that's why it irks you so much, too. But people don't get it.

Speaker 2 No, and guys, I think, and I don't know if it's because I'm so hyper-focused on it, but like, there are so many people who miss them. The social cues in it, Joe,

Speaker 2 it just drives me up the wall.

Speaker 8 But it's interesting, too, because I remember even like with it, them saying that it can be hereditary, that it is hereditary, actually. That's what it says.

Speaker 8 Is I remember when Veda, like just Veda being even little, like baby little.

Speaker 8 And like, I don't know, Nova just did things. And I know every kid is different.
That's what I always told myself.

Speaker 8 But like, Nova was just like, just like how kind of how Rai is, like talking, using word, like just crazy words.

Speaker 8 And Veda, and I remember I used to always check because they say like some autistic kids won't

Speaker 8 like listen to their names. And they, when they're babies, babies, they don't give you smiles.
And she would do all those things. So then I would like second guess myself and be like, no, there's not.

Speaker 8 But with it being a spectrum, it's like, I remember when we used to say, like, why isn't she talking? I mean, she didn't talk until she was like four. Yeah.
You know, she wouldn't really talk.

Speaker 8 She would use like different,

Speaker 8 I don't know, like cues that I knew what it meant.

Speaker 2 She learned. Yeah.

Speaker 8 But she would get, and she would, I remember,

Speaker 8 there was a point in her life where she would just get overly frustrated when we didn't understand what she was trying to say.

Speaker 8 And it would like frustrate her so much to where she would become angry and like cry and screw, like scream because

Speaker 8 we weren't understanding what she was saying.

Speaker 8 And I mean, I'm so, I'm thankful for like the elementary school we're in and the community that we're in because they've done a lot. Like Veda has grown so much.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 And it's because of putting things in place.

Speaker 8 But it just makes me think. I'm like, wow, she really, we should probably really get her.

Speaker 2 No, here's what makes me sad, though, is that things that were taking precautions with Veda, I was labeled as ODD, oppositional defiance disorder. I was labeled as ADHD.

Speaker 2 I was late, you know what I mean? Yeah, anger kid, bad kid, just bad behavior.

Speaker 2 People could just say that. Yes, you could, can't you? Because she gets to the point where you go, oh my God, this kid's just a bad kid.
She's just crazy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's just, you know, she's not paying attention. She's just, she's wild.
Yeah, she's feral. Right.
And that's what I remember being a younger kid and being fed that as a cow.

Speaker 2 So much. I'm like, okay, I'm just a feral kid.
I'm a wild kid. I, whatever.
You know what I mean? And you identify yourself like that.

Speaker 8 And I think parents need to be cautious of, like, don't say things in front of your children like that. Because, same thing.
Like, when I was growing up,

Speaker 8 people used to always call my sister the devil's child. You know what I mean? And, like,

Speaker 8 kids are not dumb. And, you know, and I've learned, Eve, it, just like from, you know, being with you and learning about you as we've

Speaker 8 whatever, been married and been together. But it's just like,

Speaker 8 of course, you're going to think that you're the crazy kid and the hard to handle kid and the angry kid and the, you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Because that's all you were hearing around you from the adults around you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And also watching other kids not be like me.
I think it'd be different if I saw other kids acting like me all the time. You know what I mean? But I didn't.

Speaker 8 So it made a lot of things make sense.

Speaker 2 Veda really helped me. She inspired me to go, I'm like, listen, like, I kept thinking in my head and hearing the same things people were saying about Veda.

Speaker 2 Like, she's just so, oh, she's just so stuck in her way. She's so stubborn.
She's all this. And it's like, they're already starting to label the kid.
You're already doing it.

Speaker 2 Like, you're already like.

Speaker 8 And I remember, remember when she was little? And because she would, like, she would get very angry and stuff. But, and I remember, remember, we used a word, we wouldn't even say the negative words.

Speaker 8 No. And

Speaker 8 one of our friends actually helped us with that. And she was like, why don't you use the word spunky?

Speaker 2 And I'm like, you're right.

Speaker 8 You know? And so then we would always say, like, oh, like, cause when people would like say something about us to Vada, and if Vada's around, I'm like, no, she's just spunky. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's got a lot of fire. Yeah, fire.
Yeah. Fire in.

Speaker 8 One day. And I say to this day, I'm like, I, that girl, when she gets older, you know,

Speaker 8 nobody's going to walk all over her. Like, she is going to be fucking unstoppable because she knows what she wants, she's going to get it, and she's going to have her routine in place to do it.

Speaker 8 And so, we just use the, you spin it into a positive, like, oh, she's so stubborn and crazy.

Speaker 8 It's like, no, she's spunky and she knows what she wants in life, and she's going to do whatever she needs to do to get it.

Speaker 2 Like, and I think it's easy when you know that this is what they're dealing with. You just try to make it make sense for them in the world.

Speaker 8 But to say that it's not overwhelming and hard, it is, I know, babe. It is, but I think it helps.

Speaker 8 I think, like, even just with you getting the diagnosis and just seeing how she is, I think it does help.

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Speaker 8 You know, for me to like step, to step back and be like, okay,

Speaker 8 it's because she stepped in fucking dog slobber and it pissed her the fuck off because she struggles with sensory stuff. Yeah, and you know what I mean? So it's just like, okay.

Speaker 2 There's more empathy. It's like, okay.

Speaker 8 Yeah, like her and Raya were fighting the other day in the bedroom, in their bedroom, about playing Barbies together.

Speaker 8 And, you know, some days I'll be like, oh my gosh, you guys, just play together, whatever. But I actually, I went in there and I like sat them both down and with Vada.

Speaker 8 And I was like, listen, we just have to play kind. And sometimes people don't want to play with each other.
And I had this whole conversation with them. And Vada was sitting on my lap crying.

Speaker 8 And I was talking to him. And then literally after that conversation I had, because I thoroughly explained everything and about people, they started like playing together.

Speaker 8 I mean, I was like, oh my gosh, that only took three minutes of my time.

Speaker 2 And I wonder if it's because in Vada's head, it's not making sense to her. Right.

Speaker 2 So she needs an explanation.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she just just needs an explanation. I feel like if I would have gotten more of that as a kid, I wouldn't have had so many issues.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and it's like so sad to think about, like, oh, that poor kid, it was so labeled and just so.

Speaker 2 And then my poor mom, yeah, thinking that everyone else is telling her she got a feral devil kid, she's gonna, she's believing in herself.

Speaker 2 She said that she remembers going to room or her bed and crying, thinking, What is gonna happen with him? How is he gonna live in the world?

Speaker 2 Also, talked to the therapist about the whole constipation thing. I was gonna control if I shit or not, and I was gonna be the first human being to not have to to do it.

Speaker 2 And I remember that-I don't think you've ever told people that. No, dude, okay, guys, I was I would hold my shit.
It wasn't I was constipated, I held it, I forced myself to be constipated.

Speaker 2 Does that make you know what I mean? And how old do you think that started? That started before I even moved out of the trailer, so I was probably like four. Okay, so I was like probably Raya's age.

Speaker 2 Oh, and I, and I just, and it was a thing. My mom had to give me enemas, it was torture, it was crazy.

Speaker 8 Um, but you really had the mindset of like, I'm the first human

Speaker 8 that never shits.

Speaker 2 Yep, I will, because I hated it. I hated hated the feeling.
I hated the, I hated the, the preparation work it took. I hated all of it.
It's disgusting. I hated it.
I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 Like, as a kid, I was like, this is so stupid that we have to do this. And I remember thinking to my head, like, I'll just, and then once I, once I held it for like the first week, I was like, oh,

Speaker 2 this is,

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Why is everyone doing this? We don't need toilets, guys. You can just hold it.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 And your mom's like, no, I've done it. I'm doing it.
I remember walking on the little kid thinking like, you guys are all stupid.

Speaker 8 I know that his mom says that he used to literally, she all of a sudden she'd be like, oh, there's Tyler holding his pooping because he'd get up on his tippy toes and clunch.

Speaker 2 And I'd go in the corner and they'd like Ty, I'm like, don't talk to me. Let it pass.
Because that hurts. Oh, it was extremely painful, but it was only extremely painful for like five minutes.

Speaker 2 So I knew if I suffered in the corner and just waited, it would go away.

Speaker 8 And you just didn't want to do it because it was gross.

Speaker 2 It was gross. I didn't like the time it took to go in the bath.

Speaker 2 I hated the idea of wiping, washing, hanging. I just hated all of it.
All of it. Weird.
Hated it with a passion.

Speaker 8 So what made you get over that?

Speaker 2 My mom said, I would die. Okay.
She said,

Speaker 2 that is poison. Your body needs to get rid of it.
If you don't get rid of the poison, it'll create a pocket inside your body, and the poison will go in that pocket, and you will die.

Speaker 2 And I remember you,

Speaker 8 oh my god, it's awesome. So then, after that, you started shitting?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was so happy. By the way, Ma, come look, I shit.
Come here. Come on, Ma, look, look, look.
You know what I mean? She's probably like, this is all I fucking had to take.

Speaker 2 All it took was in seal. So that thorough explanation, you know, and she did that spirit.
She's like, you're going to die. I remember being on the toilet one day.

Speaker 2 She's like, if you don't, you are going to die. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I remember being like, oh, my God, like, what?

Speaker 2 And she explained it in that way. Poison, exit, you don't exit, make a pocket, goes in your body, you're dead.
Uh-huh. And then after that day, you just heard shit on the toilet.
Yep. Yep.

Speaker 2 I'm like, that's crazy. I guess I'm going to have to be a human.
I got to give up my fight. Right.
And I don't walk.

Speaker 8 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 And I would probably, I think the longest I went was probably three weeks. Without chitting? Yep.
And I was like, I'll go to the hospital.

Speaker 2 They're going to cut you open.

Speaker 2 And then she comes with the enema.

Speaker 8 Did she take you to the hospital or she always just did the enemas?

Speaker 2 No, she did the enemas, yeah. And she would have to pin me.
She chased me around the house. I mean, no.
She's like, honey, I might have to get the bottle out. Not the bottle.

Speaker 2 Does it look like a bottle? You don't want to have to do things with the blue?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You had to give one of our kids an enema before.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So she's like, dude.

Speaker 2 My poor mom, she chased me around the house. She was like screaming, crying.
Yeah, four or five screamling, bloody murders. She had to pin me down.
And show up. ass.
It was violating.

Speaker 2 And so that trauma. So then that on top of it, just shitting was no good.
It created chaos.

Speaker 2 It brought in pain. It was,

Speaker 2 you know, because when you're confident that long, it hurts. Yeah.
So just, dude.

Speaker 8 And then when you get an enema, I'm sure you're like on the fucking toilet shit and your brains out.

Speaker 2 You are. Yeah.
And it hurts. Oh.
And so I would just be like, you know, I remember thinking my head, why are you doing this to me? Oh. Like, why are you doing this to me? Because she doesn't wake up.

Speaker 8 She was mad. She was true.
Like, you're going to fucking die.

Speaker 2 My mom mom would do an interview with mom.

Speaker 2 Because I was going to ask you, like, as my wife, what did you think when,

Speaker 2 because I remember actually, like, I remember thinking about it slightly with Veda, but then you kept saying stuff. I had points about them watching TV or something.

Speaker 2 Well, I think what brought me to you. You got the Tism.
Something like you need to go. Well,

Speaker 8 I think what brought me awareness. of the spectrum was watching love on the spectrum.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 And some of their different like tendencies and weird things and stuff. And just like the way that you, yeah, things that you would do.
And I'm like, oh, wait, maybe like this kind of makes sense.

Speaker 8 Like the way that we'll be watching like a random commercial will come on and be like, do you know whose voice that is? And I'm like, no, I don't. And like, he just knows the voice.

Speaker 8 And he'll be like, does that person look familiar? Do you know where that person's from? No, I don't. And he just like knows where all these people are from.

Speaker 8 Certain songs in the background I'll be playing in a commercial. He's like, hey, that song is from this and this and this and this.
And I'm like, wait, wait, what?

Speaker 8 So it's just like weird little things. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'd be like, maybe you are autistic. Yeah.
He'd be like, you and that tism thing, I go back or whatever.

Speaker 8 And then he finally got tested and it was true. And I was like, oh, it kind of makes sense.

Speaker 2 Like, what else do you see? Like, do you? Because I think.

Speaker 8 I think with you, it's definitely the memorizing, like, just knowing weird, random shit that not people hold in their brains.

Speaker 2 Like, not relative.

Speaker 8 Like, with like random people selling the shit.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 8 Like, random things.

Speaker 2 Annoying stuff that takes space.

Speaker 8 But it really, I think we should, I think we definitely should probably pay and get beta tested. Yeah.

Speaker 8 And just, can she go through the same place you went through? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
But would she have to see you in person? Or like,

Speaker 2 well, I don't know. I guess it might be different for kids versus adults.
I'm not really sure, but I can ask her and see. But I told her a little stuff about beta and she was like, yeah, I would

Speaker 2 keep it going. And she's like, and she said, good for you for even thinking about it.

Speaker 8 I think it's awesome that your child inspired you.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting because people, I think kids teach a lot more than you can teach kids.

Speaker 2 Teach your kids how to survive and whatever, but like they teach you a whole bunch of stuff.

Speaker 8 Different things of life. Yeah.
And I think, and I think that's kind of something beautiful, like Veda, because Veda's had a safe space to be expressive of herself.

Speaker 8 And, you know, parents who are listening and watching and noticing.

Speaker 2 I'm a bullfire. It's so sad.
Yeah. So I got, dude, I just think about myself as a kid and just, oh, I remember walking past my mom's room and hearing her cry, saying, please, Lord, help my son.

Speaker 2 Please, like, you know, I remember thinking about him, like, then I go back to my room and being like, I am such a fuck up. Yeah.
I am the worst thing that ever happened. It's good for a kid.

Speaker 2 No, I know. And so, being a kid, this is so stupid.
And, like, I wonder if that had anything to do with my connection with my dad. Oh, a whole bunch of stuff.
Just all the stuff.

Speaker 2 And then when it didn't happen, just thinking, like, this is, I'm, this is exhausting. Yeah.
Like, there's no way a human being can live like this their whole life. And, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Well, I think,

Speaker 8 I think that you are a beautiful human.

Speaker 2 Thanks, babe. You are.

Speaker 8 Even with

Speaker 2 my issues, my little issues and shit. But

Speaker 2 I think it helps me, it helped me understand to like

Speaker 2 be or at least be more aware of my communication style and all the things that I've said and done

Speaker 2 quickly without thinking or whatever. Like, it just, I don't know, everything just clicks.

Speaker 8 Oh, it makes it make sense.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, why? Like, dude, bro, what the fuck? Why did you say that?

Speaker 2 So I think, like just like forcing myself to pause a lot yeah which is hard it is hard especially when things are happening so fast and people are just not getting it

Speaker 2 so then i'm like oh my god well

Speaker 8 i love you i love you too happy 10 years happy 10 years i know well and i think we'll definitely keep you guys updated i definitely want to get beta tested too and like i said just like you know

Speaker 8 Parents need to get educated.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and if anyone's listening, I'm like, can you like relate to anything that I'm saying? Like, that'd be great.

Speaker 2 i need some validation here because i have not talked about it publicly i haven't like said anything about being autistic ever you know yeah so it'd be nice to like

Speaker 2 i don't know hear some other people's experiences because everyone's gonna have a different one oh yeah they are like the girl told me she's like your your your your diagnosis report is gonna be different from everyone else's well right because your masking level is different than other people like it's yeah but i think like just learning about it is i'm still learning about it that's why i probably haven't said anything publicly i'm just i'm still digesting it i'm still like figuring it all out.

Speaker 8 I think it's good to be talked about, though, too.

Speaker 2 You know, if anyone listened, like, accumulate, like, let me know.

Speaker 8 Oh, I bet you, no, I bet you they can. I bet you they can, but I definitely, yeah, and I want to get beta tested and learn stuff just like as our parent, how we can better support her.

Speaker 8 And I think that that in turn also helps you learn more about yourself, also, you know. So, well, make sure you guys like and review our show and

Speaker 8 definitely check out our Patreon page. I always share about it.
We'll be talking to you guys next week.

Speaker 2 I'm Kate and Ty Breaker Down. Thank you very much.

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