The Damage of Dishonesty: An Adoptee's Reckoning with Kristina Richie

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All right, everybody, thank you so much for tuning back in to Kate and Type Break It Down.

We have a very special guest today, Christina Ritchie.

TikTok.

I'm trying to think of where the people would know you from.

TikTok.

TikTok.

Yeah, we got connected

through just adoptee TikTok space where everyone was talking about everything.

And I was like, hey, Christina, that's crazy.

Pretty crazy story.

Yeah, your story is very interesting to me for sure.

But can you tell us just about like your journey, being an adoptee, your story, what it was like for you growing up?

So, yeah, so I was adopted as an infant straight out of the hospital.

My biological parents were young.

They're teenagers.

So 17 and 18 years old when they got pregnant with me, 18 and 19 when they had me.

And my biological mom grew up in a very abusive household, very similar to y'all's growing up.

Okay.

So my biological mom was raised by her stepdad and her mom.

Her mom was aquadriplegic.

She jumped into a swimming pool when she was 29 years old after my mom and broke her neck.

So, and then she was,

yeah, it was gnarly.

So she was with a wheelchair or a walker for the majority of my mom's life.

And

her husband, my mom's stepdad, was six foot nine, 350 pounds, big, really scary, very abusive man.

And he was very abusive to my mom and her two sisters.

My mom didn't find out until she was 17 that that was not her biological father.

No.

She thought her whole life,

I think she found out actually when she was pregnant with me, that was a huge family secret.

And she found out from her aunt.

Her aunt knew the whole time and told her, like, hey.

So everyone knew.

Everybody knew but my mom.

Wow.

Right.

And so when my mom found out that she was pregnant with me initially, she was very excited and she was like completely head over heels infatuated with my dad.

He was this, you know, good looking jock.

And, you know, she was just like, oh my gosh, we're going to get married and like all the things.

And unfortunately, that was, that was not what his plans were.

And so.

Pretty much right out the gate,

him and his family were saying, you know, like, I think that the best option is adoption for this baby because you guys aren't going to stay together.

You know, you guys are young.

You're probably not going to get married.

Even if you do, it probably won't last, you know?

So I think we should look at this.

So several months passed.

She ends up starting to consider it.

They looked through some profiles.

One of the profiles was my now adopted parents.

Is this through an agency or a no?

This is totally private.

And what's interesting about this is that my parents weren't even looking to adopt.

Wow.

Now, my dad had testicular cancer in 1977.

And so they were told they couldn't have any children.

They had a bunch of miscarriages.

I believe they had done some type of like IUI type of thing, never was successful.

So there was a guy at their church, some elder at their church was Calvary Chapel, who was like, you guys should consider adoption.

And my parents are like, oh, you know, whatever.

Well, then there was a baby.

And I guess it was like through another church that was like sister churches.

It was Calvary Chapel.

So I don't know if they like knew about me through my grandparents' church or whatever, but they heard about this little baby that was going to be born up in Reading, California, and needed a home type thing.

So my parents, like, oh, okay, well, sure, you know, that's fine.

We'll consider it.

And so they put together the little profile and they gave it to whoever these people were and they presented it in front of my mom.

And my mom looks at these people and she's like, these are the parents I would have wanted.

These are the people I would have wanted to raise me.

I am so selfish for ever even considering keeping this baby.

What am I going to be able to give this baby compared to what these people can give this baby?

I'm going to be working all the time.

I'm going to, you know, there's no way.

And then she started having nightmares because her stepfather, who was this big, giant man who was incredibly physically abusive, was also sexually abusive to her since she was a teenager.

And she was like, what if this man gets a hold of my baby?

Oh, no.

And she said, I couldn't, I couldn't do it.

You know, she's like, I didn't know that I would be able to protect you.

I knew I'd be working so much.

Like,

that was her fear.

And so, April 30th, 1987, I come popping into this world.

And as soon as I guess she had gone into labor, which I believe was like a week late or so,

they had called my adopted parents and let them know that she was in labor.

So, they had started driving.

It's like an eight-hour drive from where they lived.

And my mom has told me since then that she

remembers

having second thoughts and wanting to get.

It's a long drive.

So I would imagine she's having, I mean, yes.

And so she's starting to have second thoughts and she's being told, supposedly, that

these people are already on their way.

Oh, no.

Right.

And then she was like, oh, so they guilt you into it.

And that's very common.

Yeah.

I've heard that from so many people.

Like, it's incredibly common.

Did she ever say that she felt like?

Okay.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And the part that sucks is like, you know, I wasn't there.

I mean, I was there, but I was baby, so I don't really know what happened.

But, you know, I've got like a very different story from her than I do from my biological dad's side of the family.

And I get it because it's like everybody wants to protect themselves.

And everybody, like, nobody wants to be the bad guy in this story, of course.

But I've, I've been in reunion for 24 years today, actually.

Today is crazy.

Yeah.

Today is a 24 anniversary, 24-year anniversary of the day that my, I met my mom.

And I've heard these stories for years and I've known these people now, all of them, for years.

And I think I've been able to kind of like make my own judgments based off of like the stories that I've been told and kind of like weed through it and find what I believe to be the truth.

And what I think is, is like, I think that my paternal grandparents really wanted what was best for me.

I don't think that they like ever wanted any ill will for me.

I don't think that they were ever like out to get my mom or they just didn't think my mom was good enough for their son.

I don't think it was anything like that.

I think that they really truly wanted what was best for me.

And that, yeah, they probably did push the adoption a little bit because of that.

I think that my biological dad was this this young, good-looking, you know, kid who was just like, I don't have time for a baby right now, you know, and like he was like, man, like, this is going to change everything for me.

I'm going to be trapped with this girl.

I don't want to do that.

So he wasn't involved in any of like the pre-planning or any of the,

so he says that he was.

I mean, he was there with her, like looking at the profiles and that kind of stuff.

And my mom was actually living with him.

So she

left her parents' house and moved in with my biological dad and his family while she was pregnant because she had placenta previa.

So she was bedridden with me.

So she couldn't work.

She couldn't do anything.

So she was living there with them.

Living there in the environment where they're pretty much saying, do not mother this child anymore.

Well, and obviously her home is not safe either.

Right.

Exactly.

She wants to leave.

And then she can't work, so she can't save any money.

So there's no way that she can like

make her live.

She can't

take care of this child.

Exactly.

So you're born.

She's having second thoughts.

Yes.

Adoptive parents obviously show up.

Yes.

And the story goes, and apparently there's a video of it, but I've never seen it and I want to see it.

I want to see it.

There's a video of my grandfather, which is my biological dad's dad,

handing me over to my adoptive parents.

Wow.

That's hard for me because I'm like, I don't know how me as a, that's my firstborn grandchild.

I don't think I could have done that.

Yeah.

You know, I don't think I could have handed my firstborn grandchild over to strangers that I did not know and like eight hours away, you know?

Like,

all I knew was what I saw on paper.

Like, I don't think I could have done that.

There's no way.

Like, I wouldn't hand my two-year-old child over to them.

Why would I hand my newborn?

You know, like, there's no way.

So

that I was, I was adopted.

They brought me back down to Santa Barbara where I was raised.

And

as the story goes,

my parents had told my birth mom that I that I would always know who she was, that she would be there to watch me walk and hear me talk, talk, and she would always be involved.

And six months-ish, I guess, after I had left and went to live with my adopted parents,

my mom apparently like had a complete nervous breakdown and she wanted me back.

This story has been told to me a couple different ways, but the gist of it is, is she actually was going to commit suicide because she was so incredibly depressed and she wanted me back.

And my adopted mom has actually told me that she packed me up and all of my stuff.

And she said, It's not worth her life.

Come get her.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

So, but that didn't end up happening.

Um, why did that not end up happening?

Do you ever, I don't know, I don't know.

That sounds like, I mean, because I think, I think a lot of people they hear these stories and they hear like situations where the bio mom's like, I don't, I never mind, please, I want the baby back.

And then they actually get in a huge battle.

Yeah, a lot of the times the adopted parents are like, too bad.

So sad.

Yeah.

My adopted mom told me herself that she said, come get her.

Like, it's not worth your life.

Come get her.

And she, and they didn't.

And I don't, I don't know why they didn't.

And so,

you know, I'm living my best life with my adopted parents as this little girl, whatever.

And when I was five years old, I went over to the neighbor's house.

I was really good friends, a little girl down the street in the same kindergarten class.

And we're playing.

And she had an older brother who was like two years older than her.

And his name is Kit.

I will never forget his name.

And I remember we were playing.

And I don't know if if I just did something that pissed him off or like what happened, but I remember very specifically him looking at me and saying, you were adopted.

Your mom didn't want you.

You don't look anything like your parents.

You lived in an orphanage.

And I was just like, what?

What is that?

Like, I didn't even know what that word meant.

Like, what are you talking about?

So I like got up and I remember, I remember running home.

Like, I so specifically remember the run home.

I remember going in through the laundry room door that I'd gone through a million times to get band-aids, snacks, popsicles, whatever.

My mom was standing in the laundry room.

I remember looking at her and be like, am I adopted?

And my mom was like, like she saw a ghost.

Oh my God.

And you remember this, Harry?

I remember so well.

And I just remember her being like, I got to call your dad.

Oh, whoa.

Right.

And I was like, I want to, like, am I, she's like, where did you hear that word?

And I'm like, from the neighbor, am I adopted?

Like, what does this mean?

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And so she goes and she calls my dad.

My dad worked out of town a lot.

He was always in Los Angeles, about an hour and a half south of where we lived.

And I don't remember where he was, if he was in LA or if he was in Las Vegas right then, but he ends up coming home.

I remember for days being so distraught, even as a five-year-old, feeling like I've been lied to like all these five years.

Like, my life is a lie.

You know, like, I remember very consciously thinking that, like, I've been lied to like my whole life.

This, this is not, who am I?

Who are these people?

Why am I here?

Who is she?

Is she okay?

Is she alive?

Like, I had all these questions.

Like, I've got another mom out there.

Like, where is she?

Is she all right?

I was way too concerned about her.

That was my number one concern.

Was she, is she okay?

Is she okay?

Is she all right?

And so they basically told me, like, your parents were very young when they had you.

And I got the whole, you know, normal adoptive narrative, right?

So, like, you know, we loved you so much, and she loved you so much.

And that's why she gave you up for adoption.

And like, that was the conversation.

You know, what's interesting, though, is that they told your birth mom that she would be there for your first steps, your first words, and all those things.

And you didn't even find out you were adopted till you were five.

Correct.

I was supposed to know.

And I've heard different accounts.

I've heard that they had read me books and they had tried to tell me or whatever.

I don't remember any of that.

I do very specifically remember this kid telling me that I was in an orphanage.

My mom didn't want me, and that's why I don't look like my parents.

Did you, do you remember being at that age thinking or had any thoughts that you didn't look like?

No.

Okay.

No, I don't remember any of that.

And you know, they had a biological child five years after they adopted me.

Oh, so yeah.

That's a whole yes.

My mom was 41 when she had my little brother.

Wow.

So then I have a little brother who looks just like my parents, right?

He's like my mom's little clone, right?

And little curly blonde hair and blue eyes, beautiful little kid.

And then when I was eight-ish, because he would have been about, he was a toddler at this point.

I remember being in a grocery store.

It was in Vons and Montecito.

I will never forget this day.

And he is sitting in the little top part of the cart.

And there's this old lady that walks up.

curly white hair and I remember her looking at my little brother.

We're in the checkout line.

My dad's sitting in front of the cart.

My mom's sitting behind it.

My my brother's sitting there, and I'm standing next to my mom.

And this woman looks down at my brother, and she's just gawking at how beautiful he is.

I mean, he was a very pretty kid, it was on the cover of Robinson's May magazine one time.

Okay,

but no one,

yeah, shoe baby.

And she's just like, Oh my gosh, you know, he's just so handsome, he's so cute, you know.

And look at his curly hair and his blue eyes.

And he looks, she looks at my parents, she's like, Oh, look, there's the blue eyes, just like you looking at mom, and like all these things.

And I just remember like sitting in my hat,

Yeah, yeah, my turn.

Look at me.

Right.

And I just remember her looking down at me and saying, well, where did you come from?

You don't look anything like your parents.

She said that to me.

She said that.

And I remember my mom just being like, ha ha ha, have a great day.

You know, like it was awkward.

And then there was the car ride home.

And I remember on the car ride home so specifically the energy, the shift, right?

I remember so well sitting in the back seat.

My little brother is on my right side, you know, and I'm sitting there and I remember my parents talking and they're like messing with the music and kind of stuff, you know.

And I remember like thinking, do I ask?

Do I ask this question?

What do I say?

You know, like, this is my, this is my shot, you know, like, I don't want to say something.

But that was the first time I remember really feeling like I did not belong here.

I don't fit in, right?

Like, and it's so obvious to other people.

This old lady just said something, right?

Like, I knew at that point.

So the next day on the way to school, it was just me and my dad.

And I'd always been way close to my dad.

And I remember, it's only about a seven minute drive to my little elementary school.

I remember so specifically working up the courage the whole seven minute drive to ask my dad, like, what was her name?

That's, that's what I want, I want to know her name.

And so we're driving to school.

I'm like, hey, dad, yeah.

So, so what was, what was her name?

What was my birth mom's name?

And he tells me her name.

And I'm like, okay.

And like, what else do you know about her?

And I remember him also telling me at that point, you know, this conversation makes mom really uncomfortable oh no you don't so yeah and so he was like

I was like eight and he probably meant it in a good way he did

so he was just kind of like so let's like if we're gonna talk about this let's just not do it in front of mom type of a thing you know and I was like okay so that was like the first time I remember like that shame being associated with it yeah

meaning hush hush not good talk taboo right taboo don't know what you were gonna talk about feelings like still associated and then that's more important as mom's feelings are way more important than my questions.

Right.

Right.

So I kind of shut it down.

I remember, and I still have it.

I almost brought it with me.

I should have brought it.

I have the little mini mouse journal that was in my desk when I went to school that day.

And I wrote down my mom's name is and I put her name in there.

And I spelt it wrong.

And I still have that.

That's cute.

Yeah.

So like, I remember so specifically like this happening.

And then I, at that point, I was like, I'm not asking again.

Like that, that just, that was, that was weird, right?

Like, I'm not asking again.

but through that childhood with not having those answers and being scared to ask questions or not wanting to ask questions because it's so uncomfortable you start like making stuff up right

you do yeah everyone would always ask me if I was Asian and I'd be like yeah

sure I am yeah and then you know they would be like oh well like you know how many siblings do you have well there was like these two older girls that are I was always very close to.

They were babysitters of mine, Jessica and Christy.

I told everybody that they were my sisters.

Jessica's five years older than me.

She rides the same bus as me.

She gets off on the same stop as me.

It was really easy for everybody to think that we were sisters.

So like I claimed people as family that weren't family.

You know what I'm saying?

Like

I would create these, oh, that's my cousin.

It was not my cousin.

Right.

I wanted them to be something to me, you know?

So I would, I would claim people.

I would make other people family.

And so that was just kind of like what happened.

And I was like creating my own narrative and my own identity because I didn't have any answers as to who I actually was.

And I remember like all of the projects in school and all of the stupid family trees.

Yeah, right.

And I remember like raising my hand and being like, Ms.

Mazaris, are we talking about like my natural family?

Cause I don't know any of that.

Oh, you can just do it on the family that raises you.

Well, why?

Because like, that makes sense.

That has nothing to do with me, unfortunately.

You know, so like all that kind of stuff.

It was always like this little reminder of like, hey, like, you don't have answers.

You don't have answers.

And I would always like try to fantasize and come up with answers of my own because I didn't have them.

You know?

Throughout these years, did your dad, did you and your dad ever talk about it ever again ever since that car ride?

Because you see, so you knew at that moment,

correct, which is so interesting to me because it's like, man, if only you would have maybe gotten those little windows of opportunity to just explore or anyone to say, hey, remember that question you wanted?

I don't know, anything.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, of course, you went this other route and of making it all.

Yeah, just fantasizing, really.

Constantly.

Yeah, constantly.

Never shut off.

Like, I can't tell you how often this occupied my thoughts.

Wow.

It was all the time.

And not even able to talk about it occupying your thoughts.

No.

So I would, like, talk to my friends about it.

Right.

But, like, I had to make sure my friends weren't going to talk to my parents about it because, oh, my God.

And then that's what happened.

So when I was 12,

maybe 13, but I was like 12 and a half, 13, seventh grade, junior high, new school.

We had computer lab for the first time.

And I remember being in computer lab, we're supposed to be doing like a research paper.

And so

yeah.

And I didn't, I didn't, I was not used to this internet thing, right?

I'm old.

That was not a thing.

We didn't have access.

You don't touch dad's computer.

It's for work only.

Right.

So like, that wasn't a thing.

And so they were like, okay, so you're going to have to Google it.

And I'm like, what's it Google?

Like Google, you can ask it anything and I can tell you the answers.

I'm like, how do you find your birth mom?

Like, right, like immediately.

Like, oh my gosh.

Okay.

It's going to give me answers.

And so I'm like looking this up.

And it's like, well, first you have to know, like, you know, where were you born in what hospital?

I'm like, I don't need that.

I don't want any of that.

Crap.

So I was like, oh, I got it.

So I go home.

I'm like, hey, mom.

So we're doing this project at school and I have to bring a copy of my birth certificate.

And my mom's like, sure you do.

I'm not giving you a copy of your birth certificate to take with you to school, but you can see it.

I'm like, I'm about to have all the answers.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea that they changed your birth certificate.

I had no clue.

So they get the birth certificate.

And now I'm even more confused.

Now you're, yeah.

Was I even adopted?

Because there was my birth certificate.

I can't talk about it because I can't ask you questions.

But it did say Shasta County, and it did tell me Mercy Medical Center.

So I knew I was born up there in Northern California.

I'm like, okay, so I go back to school.

Shasta County, Mercy Medical County.

I call the hospital.

Okay.

Wow.

And I'm like, hi, so I was adopted.

I'm trying to get some information on my biological mother.

I'm wondering what information you can give me.

Sure, absolutely.

What was your date of birth?

And I give her my date of birth.

She's like, honey, you're not 18.

I can't tell you anything.

So I hang up and I call back and I'm like,

doing the math in my head.

What makes me 18?

And she's like, um,

didn't you just call?

I'm like, shit, damn it.

Bustin.

Yeah.

Busted.

That didn't work.

So I hung up the phone.

Well, when I was doing all of this, I had a girlfriend who I had known my entire life because her parents had been friends with my parents before I was ever even adopted.

Okay.

And she had seen what I was looking up.

And she went home and told her mom.

Oh, gosh.

And next thing you know,

that day after school,

knock, knock, knock on the door.

Her and her mom were standing there.

And I knew immediately what it was about.

I knew.

I opened the door.

I'm like, can I help you?

Yeah.

What are we doing here?

And so she was like, hi, like, where's your mom?

Like, I think we need to have a conversation.

I'm like, oh, this is, this is great.

No, you don't.

Go away.

You probably had to be riddled with anxiety.

Yes.

And so they come in and we go sit down at the dining room table.

And like to make matters worse, it was like a glass mirrored table.

So like I could see myself

like everything.

And I remember where I was sitting.

I was sitting on this side.

My mom was right here.

And then my friend's mom and then her.

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This lady meant well.

She really did.

She was coming in to say, hey, look, she's got questions.

We don't want her like going out and finding the wrong answers.

I think it's probably time you guys talk to her.

So I was in a way of like influencing, hey, friend to friend, share it to parents.

She's trying to advocate for me.

Yeah, parents to be forgotten.

She really was.

Yeah, right, right.

She was trying to advocate for me.

She was not doing this like in an ill will whatsoever.

She was coming to my parents and be like, hey, she's looking.

Y'all need to tell her something, right?

Time is now.

Yeah.

So now let's go.

And I don't believe, like, because they had four biological children.

I don't believe they had any experience with adoption at all whatsoever.

But like this woman knew, like, hey, if she's out here looking, y'all probably need to be the one to give her answers, right?

Yeah.

I will never forget what my mom said to me.

We're talking and she turns and she just kind of like faces me and she's like, well, Christina,

I really don't know what she's up to, where she's at or what's going on.

I do think, like, she's married and she might have some more kids.

But what happens if they don't know about you?

You wouldn't want to, you know, disrupt her life or anything, would you?

And I immediately shut down.

I was like, nope, nope, sure, don't.

Nope.

I'm good.

And I decided right then and there, like, in that moment, I don't want to know anything.

I don't want to.

I got to detach.

I had to detach.

I had to trust you.

And

my thought was, I'm not going to ruin her her life twice.

I ruined her life the first time by even just existing.

She had to go through pain.

She had to figure out what to do with me.

I ruined her life the first time.

I was a teenage pregnancy.

I was a mistake.

Okay.

And then now, if I decide that I'm going to come and knock on her door, I'm going to disrupt her whole life.

Her kids are.

I know, me too.

Okay, good.

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I just feel like I've, you know.

It's sad that you guys feel these things when that's not how they feel.

Yeah.

Yes.

That sucks.

That's hard.

Yeah.

And so I decided in that moment, I wasn't going to ask anymore.

Yeah.

And I became the most angry, mean,

rebellious kid.

Yeah.

I was sneaking out every single night.

I was 13 years old with a 17-year-old boyfriend I was doing hard drugs with, having sex with.

I was trying to get pregnant.

I wanted my own biological connection.

I started trying to get pregnant at 13, actively trying to get pregnant.

Wow.

I was like, I want something that looks like me.

And I remember so specifically my parents telling me that if you get pregnant, you are giving this baby up for adoption.

You're probably like, the fuck I am.

Exactly right.

No, the fuck I'm wrong.

Right.

Yeah, right.

Over my dead body.

That's not going to happen.

No way.

But I wanted that biological connection.

I never had met a single person that was related to me.

Yeah.

Right.

Or looked like me.

Or looked like me or anything.

You know, like, well, no,

I want this.

I want this so bad and so um i just went through this spell of just i was so not okay you know like i was so depressed uh there was um one time actually where i had a um a friend of mine call the police at midnight because i was threatening to kill myself and the police came and i had to go wake up my parents and tell them why the police were there

like you know that sucked and then um there was just several several times where stuff like that happened and then there was one time where my parents were told that they had to come get me from school and take me to this mental hospital for a mental evaluation because I think somebody, one of my friends, had said that I was talking about hurting myself.

And so, like, there was all this stuff.

But I was smart enough to know that if I said I don't have a plan and I'm not going to do it, they let me go.

I'm like, God, keeping me.

Right, right.

Were you ever doing therapy during any of this time?

I was refused.

Oh, you refused.

I repaired.

So at one point, what they were doing was they were trying to get me to talk to their pastor.

And their pastor.

Their pastor, hold on, it gets better, was an adoptive parent.

Oh, god.

So, what they actually did at this point was they had me hang out with his daughter, who was older than me and was an adoptee.

What my parents didn't know is she's picking me up from school and buying me cigarettes, and we were having a grandma.

Jokes on you, jokes on you,

so you know, whatever.

I don't know who it is.

It's all right, phone gonna.

Oh, yeah, jokes on you, right?

Yeah, exactly.

So,

that was that.

And did you actually hang out with her?

Yeah, I loved her.

She was great.

Okay, cool.

You got a friend out of it.

Yeah, great.

Sometimes the pastor daughters are the ones that, you know, behind closed doors are fucking alive.

She was definitely one of those pastor daughters.

The craziest parties we had was a

Christian school

school and our rangers.

They had ragers.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I used to teach at a Christian school.

I get you.

Oh, yeah.

Rangers.

Yeah.

So, you know, I used to hang out with her.

And like, what I, what was wild was I had all this stuff going on.

I was like so upset.

And what was going on in the background, I had no idea.

And

24 years ago today,

at this time, which is even crazier, even considering the time change,

because this happened in California.

My biological mom showed up at my high school completely unannounced without my parents' permission and had two of her friends recording me approach me and tell me if you ever want any information about your biological mom my name is this my name is that here is the card you can contact me and i'm like i want to know everything wait so it was it wasn't your mom that approached it was her friends her friends so she brought two friends with her okay they got on campus by telling the school that my mom had a 14 year old daughter and she was touring schools for

okay so i had a pep rally that day i was a teenager i'm not a teenager i was a cheerleader and i had a pep rally that day.

And at the pep rally, I noticed this lady in the crowd videotaping me.

Oh, weird.

And I'm like, yeah, that's weird.

Crazy.

I look at my girlfriend, Stacy.

I'm like, Stacey, do you see this lady with the camera?

She's over here videotaping me.

And she's like, no, like, what are you talking about?

She's videotaping Vanessa because there's this other girl that we looked a lot alike.

And she's like, it's like got to be Vanessa's person, you know?

I'm like, I swear to you, dude.

Like,

this camera's on me.

She was like, no, it's not.

I'm like, can you please just trade places with me?

Like, please.

She was like, yeah.

So we trade places.

Camera follows me.

Oh, my God.

I'm like, dude.

And then I finally look at this lady and the camera goes up into the trees.

Like, not kidding.

Yeah.

And I'm like, that was obvious.

You know, soon as we get done, I bolt.

I'm like, why?

Right?

Because it's weird.

Yeah, so weird.

And then that lady that was recording this other lady walk up to me and they're like, great job out there.

I'm like, thanks.

Take off.

Like, this is weird.

Okay.

So I keep walking and then I turn the corner and there they are again.

And I'm like, what the hell?

So they walk up to me.

Are you Christina Mankowski?

And I was like, yes.

And they were like, Hi.

If you ever want any information about your mom, here's my business card.

And I'm like, My mom, like, I'm, I'm thinking, like, what happened?

Right.

My adopted mom.

Yeah.

My initial thought was, my adopted mom had gotten into a car accident and died.

And these were grievance counselors coming to school, tell me about it.

That's literally what I thought.

And they're like, need some information about your mom.

That was the first thing they said.

I was like, what happened?

Right.

Yeah, of course.

And when she saw the panic in my face, she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Like, no, not your mom, mom, but like your birth mom.

And then I'm like, oh, thank God.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

Right, right.

Hello.

Shock and then more shock.

Yeah.

Like, what?

And she was like, yeah.

So here's my card.

If you ever have any questions, I have all the questions.

Yeah.

What answers do you have?

It's not about like where do I send these questions?

Yeah, exactly.

Like, how many questions am I allowed?

You know, like, what is going on?

And so she was like, well, actually,

if you ever want to meet her, I'm like, yes, I want to meet her.

Like, when do you want to meet her?

Last year, 10 years ago, right now, she goes, right now.

And I said, right now.

And she goes, she's in the office.

I'll go get her.

Meet me back here in five minutes.

Wow.

Anxiety.

What?

And how old are you?

14.

Wow.

Yeah.

So I'm like, okay, so I take off looking for the most important person in my life, which was my boyfriend.

Okay.

Right.

I go looking for this guy and he's off campus dealing drugs.

So I couldn't find him.

And so I actually end up writing into my best friend since I was two years old.

And I'm like, Katie.

And she's like, what?

I'm like, Katie, oh my gosh, my mom's here.

And she looks at me like, hey, stupid, like, your mom's here all the time.

And I'm like, no, like my real mom, my birth mom, she's here.

She's at the school.

She's coming to meet me right now, like right over here.

And she just loses it.

Oh, she does.

And she is not a crier.

Not at all.

And I was not crying at this point.

I was like, so excited.

Yeah, right, right.

Don't guess.

You know, like, this is actually happening.

I'm so excited.

And then Katie starts crying.

And I was like, oh, shit.

Like, this might actually be like a really big deal.

You know, like, my gosh,

I should be crying.

Wait, I should totally be crying right now.

I lost it too.

So me and Katie are like hugging and crying.

And then all of a a sudden I hear my name.

And I hear my name and I turn around.

I see this woman walking up the courtyard.

My school is like open campus.

It's Southern California.

We didn't have like indoor schools, outdoor school.

So she's walking through like the center of the courtyard of the school and with her head down.

And even just with her head down,

I knew.

I knew immediately who she was.

You guys look a lot alike.

Like it's insane.

I know.

And we sound exactly alike and our mannerisms are exactly like.

It's wild.

So as soon as I saw her, I took off running.

I just took off running.

I just grabbed her and I hugged her as tight as I possibly could.

And she says, I thought you were going to punch me in the face.

That was the first word she ever said to me.

Oh, wow, Ryan.

And I was like, why?

And she goes, I've given you every reason to hate me.

Why wouldn't you?

I was like, I don't hate you.

I was like, thank you, like, for, for, for giving me life, you know, like, I don't hate you.

And, and that right there has been like such a thing for me because I was never mad at her for giving me up for adoption.

I've always looked at her as being like this poor kid, you know, like, and I've got kids, I've got eight kids and my oldest kids are older than what she was when she had me, you know, like I've got three kids older than what she was when she gave birth to me right now.

And I'm looking at that like, how would I ever be mad at that poor little girl who went through all of this stuff and then had to make the hardest decision of her life?

Why would I be mad at her?

So I was never mad at her, you know?

And

it was wild because she was like, let's go find somewhere where we can talk.

And I'm like, okay.

So she's got a bag with her.

We go sit down in the grass.

Mind you, this is like during school.

During the show.

Yeah, you're in school.

Nobody thinks this is weird.

Right.

What the hell?

And so, like, I have friends walking up, like, are you good?

I'm like, yeah, I'm good.

This is my mom.

Like, this is so cool, you know, like, oh my God.

And so I'm sitting there and she like busts out the bag.

And I'm like, what's in this bag?

And it was weird.

Dumps out the bag.

It's all the pictures and letters that she had had contact with my parents my entire life.

And I found out right then and there that had, they had lied to me my whole life.

They didn't know where she was.

They didn't know about these kids.

Here's the birthday cards these kids had made for me.

Here's the, here's all of the presents she had sent to me.

Some of them I had, many I did not.

Wow.

And I'm looking at this and I'm looking at my adopted mom's handwriting on all of these letters.

And I just feel so betrayed.

I am so angry.

Letters saying what, though?

What was that?

Just talking about me.

Really?

Let's not talk about it.

Christina's doing this.

Christina's doing that, you know, whatever.

And like a little

picture, wallet-sized picture of me that went along with it.

And here they were telling me they knew nothing.

They didn't know how to contact her.

They didn't, they didn't know, but they didn't know.

But they were in contact with her.

They were in contact with her.

They were in contact with her my whole life.

And I had no idea.

They could have solved all of those problems

just by being honest.

And they chose not to.

And that was hard.

And so it was in that moment that I was like, my loyalty completely shifted.

I went from like,

these are my parents to I hate these people.

Like,

that seems natural.

Yeah, because you struggled with it a lot and wanting to know and having all these questions, feeling like you couldn't ask them, and then to find out that they knew all along.

They knew the whole time.

And they didn't know.

But I think, and what you're saying is,

I think one of the most, is one of the main fears of adoptive parents, right?

Oh my God, they're going to find out their loyalty is going to shift.

We're going to be nothing.

And then the bio family is going to be everything.

However, it's rarely the case if the child child knows throughout life, like it wouldn't have been such a shift.

It would have been so, you know what I mean?

It would have been that it wouldn't need to be the big shocker that it was.

That was what did the most damage.

But I wonder if your birth mom felt like she had no other option but to make it a shocker.

That's exactly what happened.

So,

what ended up happening, the reason that she showed up the way that she did and why she did, is because she had

called my dad, my adopted dad, I guess, just to like check in randomly.

And he was like, oh, yeah, did you talk to her grandmother, which is my paternal grandmother?

And my mom's like, no, why?

And she's like, oh, well, I, you know, I just told her, please pay for Christina.

There's a lot going on with her.

You know, she's, she's struggling.

And my mom's like, struggling with what?

And he's like, well, she, you know, we had to take her to mental hospital because she was threatening suicide.

And like, she's got these, you know, she's had these older boyfriends and she was doing drugs and she was doing all these things.

And my mom's just like, what is going on with my kid?

Right.

Yeah.

And so she gets off the phone with him and she calls my paternal grandmother and she's like, you knew all of this and you didn't tell me?

This is my kid.

Right, right.

Why am I just now finding this out, you know?

And so

she made the decision right then and there when she was talking to my dad on the phone, she was like, please let me come meet her.

And my dad's like, no.

Oh.

And he, and she was just like, okay.

Well, he had sent her photos.

One of those photos was my cheerleading photo and it said warriors right across the top.

And so she knew what county I was in because she'd been mailing letters to a P.O.

box.

Right.

Right.

So she starts a P.O.

box.

So, oh, God, okay.

All right.

Well, not even your children.

So

your parents even went to the lengths of setting up a P.O.

box.

Correct.

Wow.

Okay.

And so she starts calling all the schools in the county, trying to figure out who's the Warriors.

And she lands on Carpentria High School.

And she was like,

I think I know one of your cheerleaders.

And the lady is like, oh, well, you know, the cheerleading coach is great hair.

Let me let you talk to her.

And so she talks to the cheerleading coach, or I don't know if she called the cheerleading coach or something, but she got the cheerleading coach on the phone.

I've known this cheerleading coach since third grade.

She knew me.

Right.

And so that she was like, Yeah, I think I, you know, I'm looking at the school for my daughter.

I think I know one of your cheerleaders.

And the cheerleading coach is like, Yeah, which one?

She's Christina Mankowski.

She's like, I've had Christina since third grade.

My mom's like,

you know, so she starts calling the state of California.

Is there anything that I can get in trouble for if I go show up?

If I know where my child that I place for adoption is, can I get in trouble for showing up?

And the state of California said no.

She called back five times.

Just to make sure.

Right.

She wasn't doing any illegal.

She wasn't doing anything illegal.

So she, she she had her friend actually flew in from like rest in virginia to come and then her other friend drove with her and they drove the six or i think it was six hours from where she was living down to santa barbara she showed up at my pep rally that day and she her whole thought was is what if you don't make it to 18 oh wow if you were to kill yourself before you turned 18 i never would have gotten to hold my baby because she didn't hold me when i was born oh wow she was like i i can't do that you know so she shows up at my school that was a disaster um my My parents got notified, and neither one of us knew.

So we sat there during my entire lunch.

And then after that, I go back to class.

Can you imagine going back to freaking class?

No, no, no, I can't.

I'd be like

class at that.

Okay.

Like, shout out to Mr.

Sabenez because he was awesome and he like knew something was wrong.

And he just said, you just put your head down and have a great day.

I'm like, thanks, dude.

So the plan was that after school, I was going to meet her at the front of the school, hop in her car, and we're going to go to my favorite burger spot and we're going to talk more.

Yeah.

It was supposed to be like our rival game that day.

So my parents were thinking I was going to be cheering.

They had, they would not know if I wasn't there.

Right.

Okay.

So I meet her right after school.

I hop in her car and we're heading off campus.

And we get about two blocks away from school and coming in the opposite direction is my adopted mom in her car.

And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm dead.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

Turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around.

You know, like, I'm tripping.

I'm tripping.

And I'm like, oh my God.

So we flip the car around.

I'm like, go in the back entrance.

And so they take me to the back entrance.

I fly out of that car, grab my backpack.

Before I get out, though, she hands me a necklace.

And she's like, I've had this since I was pregnant with you.

Don't take it off.

I'm like, okay.

So I put this necklace on.

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I don't wear jewelry.

So it was kind of like obvious.

Right, right.

So I like run to my locker and I'm like messing with my locker.

I'm supposed to be at the game, but I was in my locker.

Up walks my adopted mom.

And she's like, where is she?

I'm like, where's who?

You know, right.

Trying to play it off.

Yeah.

She's like, don't lie to me, Christina.

Don't lie.

Oh, don't lie to me.

Oh, don't lie to me.

That triggered it.

Don't lie

to me.

That's what you need to say right now.

Like you're a teenager.

Yeah.

All this stuff just got dumped on you.

That's the worst thing to say to me right now.

Like, imagine the day that I just went home.

Okay.

Like, come on.

And so I look at her and I say, don't lie to me.

You've been lying to me my entire life.

How dare you say don't lie to me?

And she looks at me and she tries to grab that necklace.

And I just popped her.

Don't touch me.

Do not touch me.

And she goes, let me guess.

You want to go live with her, don't you?

I said, yeah.

Automatically.

As a matter of fact, I do.

No offense to your, I don't know.

She kind of sounds like a bitch to me.

She was, you know, she was very hurt by this entire situation.

And I was already a very mean kid.

You were, well, you were in that stage of.

I get that, but I mean, and I guess I shouldn't, I guess bitch is the wrong word.

I guess what, to me, it sounds just like picking at you.

She's handling it wrong.

She didn't know.

They weren't given a book.

They didn't know how to handle this, and they picked the wrong way, and they were handling it through their own emotion, you know.

But I think it's interesting that the first thing she said was not, hang on, not even like, are you okay?

How did it go?

What do you feel?

It was, you ought to go live with her right now, don't you?

That was literally the first thing, which is so like to go back.

That's where her the mindset of adoptive parents is is fear, totally fear-based.

It's such a fear-based operation.

It wasn't, oh my gosh, my child just went through something so traumatic.

Are you okay?

Yes, that's what what I, yeah, right.

That wasn't it at all.

It was like, you want to go live with her, don't you?

Yeah, it was like, you little traitor.

Yeah, right?

That's what I mean.

Yeah, you little traitor.

Yeah, exactly.

And so I looked at her and I said, yeah, I do, actually.

And I, did I?

Did I yell at that moment?

Yeah, right, right.

I freaking know this lady.

Yeah, right.

And I want to go live with her.

Like,

no.

But, like, I was so mad.

I was like, yeah, yeah, I do, actually.

And she looks at me and she said, well, you know, you and I have never really been into this mother-daughter thing anyways.

At least I have my son.

and she turns around and walks away oh my lord that had to stab you like a dagger you know there's four things that have been said to me in my life that i will never ever ever forget that's one of them that's one of them they're all adoption related actually had to be very hurtful it was incredibly hurtful it was incredibly hurtful wait because your brother is her biological

oh my it's a oh my god bro yeah and well then that also instills the rage and the whole like that you're having with them for lying to you and all the things already what what a gasoline to the fire really and what a what a push into into your bio mom's arms really i mean don't like

i mean yeah oh yeah and she's like here and she wants me you know like i'm like oh my gosh you've wanted to know your whole life my whole life and you know it's wild a lot of adoptees say this but like there's one thing that always is in the back of my head as an adoptee which was mommy please come get me mommy please come get me it was like i felt like i was this kid that like got got left the babysitters and i was just always waiting for her to come back and pick me up there's always a thing for me like mommy please come get me And here she comes, right?

Here she comes.

She comes in to get me.

And I'm just like, I'm ready.

And I can't go with her.

What do you mean?

Like, I want to go right now.

Like, why did she have to leave?

I didn't have to go.

Like, what is going on?

Wait, now they're saying that I can go live with her?

What is going on, right?

So she leaves.

They actually called the police.

The police came to the school.

They tried to get her thrown in jail because I got in her car.

You think I wasn't going to lie?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't get her car.

Right, right, right.

We're not kidnapping here.

Where are you at?

No idea.

So, you know, she,

that doesn't work.

I'm still friends with that cop to this day, actually.

Fine as well.

Shout out.

Love you, man.

And so, you know, it was just one of those things.

It was horrible.

Like, all of that drama, like in one day, like, now I'm talking to police, you know, like all this stuff.

I'm being told that I'm going to go live with a stranger that I've never met, you know, like other than an hour.

And so I walk up to my game to go cheer.

Like, nothing just happened.

Okay.

So I go up to my game, I'm cheering.

And next thing you know, I see a familiar face.

It was my godsister, one of the people that I always called my sister, Christy, her husband.

And this was weird.

Why are you at my game?

Right.

Like, and he's like, I'm here to get you.

And I'm like, get me?

Where are we going?

You know, like, where are we going?

Right?

He's like, so your birth mom called your parents pastor and they are all in a meeting together right now.

And I need to take you home.

And I'm like,

so your adoptive parents and your birth mom were in a meeting together?

They're pastor.

Okay.

And, and this is the pastor whose daughter I was chilling with.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

That guy.

So I'm just like, oh, great.

I'm not going.

Yeah.

I'm staying here until my game's over.

I don't want to go home.

No way.

And he's like, no, please, like, come on.

Like, come with me.

So I eventually end up going with him.

I get home.

My parents got brand new couches that day.

I will never forget this.

I walk in the door.

I'm like, oh, cool.

New couches.

And my godsister's sitting there on one of them.

And I just go and I just like, she reaches out her arms and I just collapse.

And that was like the first moment I got to process anything.

It just happened to be so moldy.

Right.

Exhausted.

Oh my God.

It was horrible.

And so I'm like laying in her lap and she's stroking my head and she's just like, it's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

I didn't even talk to her.

She didn't even know what the hell just happened.

Like she just knows that I'm not okay.

Right.

And I remember like looking up and seeing the lights of my parents' car come up the driveway and just like, oh my gosh, like what is about to happen.

Okay, so we're going to stop here with Christina and pick up our story next week.

Man, we have so much more to talk about.

Like the first conversations with their birth mom and how that relationship developed and where things stand with both sets of parents today.

Thanks for listening.

Make sure you like, comment, and review our show and we'll be back with Christina next week.

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