
Meeting Becky: Being Kail's friend, her coming out story & the grueling IVF journey
Today, Cate & Ty finally get to sit down with Becky Hayter (@Hayter25), someone who they've known about through Kail Lowry but never actually gotten to know personally. Becky talks about her scandalous kissing photos with Kail on Teen Mom, how she never really thought she was gay until she reached college and started dating, and shares how hard the IVF journey has been with her wife Leah.
(Previously recorded in 2024)
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Welcome back to Kate and Ty break it down. What's up, Beckyy what's up guys what's happening how are we we're great yeah we don't really know who you are but that's why we're doing this what's a better way i was gonna say no like i've met becky you know i think it's been more than once yeah we met at a bunch of reunions and it was years ago like years ago which is wild already met multiple times yeah we just haven't met we haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet where was i i don't know but i don't know i must have been home with the kids yeah obviously weren't there how many years to dinner it had to have been eight years ago it was a very long time yeah seven seven years ago oh so we only had one kid if a kid at that point like it's been a long it's been a while it really has i know one time you were pregnant oh okay yeah yeah so it had to be nova wow okay so it's been a minute yeah i've been around for a while yeah so i don't know how we've never met before i know i'm like what the hell happened how do we and then you just disappeared we would vibe really well together but for sure like as humans so as long as you're a nice person and cool, I'm good.
I think I am. We'll see what the internet says.
I love the compliment. It's good.
It's good. Okay.
So first off, since I don't know anything about you, how did you... Where'd I come from? Where'd you come from? How do you know Kale? Who is Becky? Where are you from? Yeah.
Give us the down low. So I met Kale in 2012.
She was friends with my ex at the time. And so I got brought into her life through mutual people.
And we always say that Kale got me in the divorce when her and Javi got got divorced my ex stayed friends with Javi and then
I stayed friends with Kale so oh I've been around for a while I've done a bunch of teen mom with her
I did marriage boot camp with them oh shit you did marriage boot camp yeah she did yeah I did
Kale's dating show the like uh what was it Kale had a dating show Kale went I don't know
something clone where like
it was all different
people that looked like
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Quavo Quavo Quavo people that looked like Quavo. It was crazy.
Wow. Never knew.
Now I'm going to have to go and find this. Yeah.
A bunch of reunions I've done, but it was funny because the marriage boot camp, the marriage boot camp, they made it seem like I was the reason that Kale and Javi got divorced. There was whole rumor about me and kale dating so that's the whole there was on the internet is kale and i dated i was the reason that ty's like what is going on right now you're saying marriage boot camp i'm like why were you even in a marriage boot camp they were doing like they were doing sorry they were doing a mock wedding and they asked if anyone in the audience objected and I just stood up and you should like, and Javi's face was, no.
Like, what is she, because he didn't know I was there. Oh, he didn't know.
No. Yeah.
Like they had pictures blasted all over their hotel room of me and Kale kissing.
Which actually makes it seem like we did have something.
But we did not.
I can assure you.
So how did they get a picture of you kissing?
So Kale was pregnant.
I brought Kale to a Pride with me.
And she was pregnant and we took a picture kissing. And she was like, can we just kind of play into this so people don't know I'm pregnant? And I was like, yeah, girl.
Okay. What do I have to lose? You know? So really, so you and Kale never had a relationship? No.
Me and Kale have always, I'm, I'm naturally a like kind of flirtatious person just in my nature of speaking. I enjoy conversate like conversating with people and me and Kale have always had a very interesting dynamic it's always been very playful always been completely just like a friendship but as Kale navigated her own sexuality it's always just been a like topic of conversation oh yeah it has been i had no idea there was any rumors you didn't google are you living under a rock google my name and all that comes up is kale's ex-girlfriend becky or did kale and becky date oh it was years straight here we never never I, we spoke about, I went on her live show with her in Philly and I spoke about that, it there that I give off this like guilty.
No, when I say it, and I don't know why, because I started dating my now wife that exact time when all those rumors started and I've been with her since. So we've been together for eight and a half years.
So when would we have dated? You know? Oh, interesting. Right.
Yeah. So I'm a relationship, a serial dater and I've almost never been single.
So you would have definitely known if Kale and I, and we joke that she's not really my type. So how long have you and your wife been married though? Uh, we just got july oh yeah yeah it looked beautiful wherever you had it at it was at my house wow really yeah yes time where that's what i mean drop i'm not digging that i want to sit down i want to know everything right from here yeah so i am like a hopeless romantic i am so i love my wife it's actually very similar to you two like the lore that the two of you give and how you present yourself and how in love with you are with her I've seen that right and so that I'm very coded in that I am obsessed with Leah is the most genuine person you will ever meet in your entire like like beautiful human.
The world is not good enough to have someone like her in this world. You know what I mean? And so, uh, I just got lucky that we, our paths crossed.
She's five years younger than I am. I always say that she was hanging out with the guys that never left my town.
And so I came back from, I moved back home from Philly and our paths crossed and it's kind of been, the rest has been history since then. We had a little bit of a rocky the first couple years, but we were dating in our early twenties as you guys know.
Uh, she was 21 when we met and yeah, we just got married in July, had a beautiful, beautiful wedding. It was because we we were engaged for four years and we
had no rush to get married and we went to our first fertility appointment and the doctor was like why aren't you guys married and we're like oh and they were like and then they were like this is gonna cost you fifty thousand dollars and we were like yeah let's get married and and get presents to help pay for IVF.
Right.
But it is a false rumor that at-home weddings are cheaper than doing them. Oh, is it? Yeah.
Oh, I bet. It's just as expensive.
And when you think about it, it's like a big giant party for everybody else. Yeah.
So we did. So I always thought we would elope.
I would redo our wedding day every single day of the year if I could. We did a private ceremony.
We only had about 30 of our closest family and friends there for the ceremony part and then had a party after. we had a really hard time we knew that
a wedding we wanted to be about ourselves
I was so present with Leah
that entire day
it almost felt like no one else was there because of like how present we were with each other that's beautiful but we really were we were struggling with we both have pretty large families but we wanted to keep our ceremonies small and it was really hard for us because we had been together. When you're together for so long, there's so many people that give into your relationship, right? And no offense to my family, but my friends were the reason that I got through that relationship and survived different points of life that I wouldn't have been able to do without them.
And they deserve to be there. They deserve to see our love.
They deserve to. and so that's why we decided not to do really, really small.
And we decided to open it up to our closest friends that, you know, meant something to us throughout those almost nine years together. Yeah.
I think we can agree because we have like a, I mean, our families are crazy. So like your friends become your chosen family.
Like it's your tribe. I chose my tribe.
I was born into kind of a shitty one. So I'm going to redesign it a little bit.
That's how it was for us. Yeah.
But it's funny if you mention how people question you about like, well, you guys have been engaged. Why aren't you getting married? And so we were engaged for what, nine years? Long, long time.
Wow. Yeah.
But I also proposed when we were, we still had braces. Yeah.
I was, Yeah, I like 17. Driving a van that started with a screwdriver.
Yeah. So we were.
Good old days. Called the hoopsie van.
Yeah. But yeah, so it's like, but people always ask us all the time, like, why are you not getting married? And it's like, we just, listen, we got engaged.
I'm like, hey, I promise. I love you so much.
Don't want to be with anybody else. Yeah.
But like, what's the, what's the rush?
Yeah.
Literally deal.
And honestly,
all the stuff that we went through in the nine years,
I'm glad it happened while we were engaged.
And like,
I always say that.
Yeah.
Like,
it's like,
but people have a weird,
like,
they're like,
why are you just getting married?
It's like,
dude,
calm down.
Yeah.
And how,
how lucky are we that we've been together with our partner for so long that we've,
the issue is,
is that people that are together,
I'm sorry. And how lucky are we that we've been together with our partner for so long that we've...
The issue is that people that are together for so many years, we're not the same people, right? We grow, but we just happen to be the lucky ones that fall in love with that new version of the person and constantly are falling in love with that new version of the person. And that's what ends relationships is we're not willing to grow and fall in love with that new version of the person that they're becoming.
And I feel lucky to be in that situation that my relationship is the most stable thing in my life. Same.
Same. And you just don't have to worry about it.
And also I think the beautiful thing, you know, you're committed to somebody for so long and you're engaged for a while. Ty is my best friend.
You know what I mean? I look at my friends, my friend group, and I'm like, he's my best friend. He knows everything about me.
We've been through so much together. And I feel being best friends is the perfect foundation to a relationship.
You know, because. You should to kale about this when you have her on her podcast though because she completely disagrees that people can be best friends with their partner really well i'm here to show you yeah because so it was funny just how she spoke to it and i'm looking at her and i'm just like girl you do not know lesbian relationships lesbian relationships.
No, because honestly, it's like, and it's funny because people are always like, oh, well, do you want to come out and hang out with us? And I'm like, dude, are we lame? Because we'd rather just hang out with each other. Just like chill.
I'm not ashamed of the fact that we are best friends. But I also feel like, how do you even, how do you not be best friends? Like, how do you not be best friends with your spouse? I don't, I would not, wouldn't want it any other way.
Like I want, I feel bad for people that, you know, cause I know people in relationships that don't really like their partner, don't really have a connection with them or the similar interests or any commonality between, between them. And I just, I feel like a sense of just sorrow, right? Like for them, because man, like life is just so great.
Spending it with someone that you love. And I think I'm a hundred percent.
A hundred percent. The fact that you don't settle, right? Like if I, and I see me and her talk about all the time that we see so, so many of our friends, family members.
It's like the more and more I'm seeing that there're are just so unhappy yeah and like but they it's just weird how it's like why are you doing this to yourself i don't understand why you're settling especially the person you're going to be with forever it should be like you should want to spend all the time and travel with them and have fun even when you're doing nothing it's still fun you know like and then people always say stuff like oh you're maybe you're just too codependent and you're too enmesh. And I'm like, bro, if this is codependent, I'm rock.
I love it. I ain't mad about it.
Like whatever. But I think it's funny because people will always say stuff like, Oh, we'll do things separately.
And it's like, we do. Yeah, for sure.
We prefer to do stuff together. So what's the problem? other so you know yeah so so obviously you're a lesbian you have a wife as you said I was kind of interested in what whatever you feel comfortable sharing but what was like your coming out journey like how old were you when you realized and kind of your journey of you know coming out and letting yeah so um it's so funny because everyone knew I was gay before I did um actually we have a friend just like it yeah you know I was an athlete I was you're pretty typical you should have known you were a lesbian my I didn't come out until I was 19 my sophomore year of college and it was for no other reason than I didn't know.
I'm from a very small product, like 99% white town, no queer people, no representation, never saw queer people on the television, never saw queer people represented in really any part of life. So I just didn't know.
Right. And in high school, you know, I had boyfriends, I did everything that you were supposed to, I was really focused on sports.
So it was never really that big of a, you know, this concept of, is this what love is supposed to feel like? And then I went to college, and I went to a college that was full of lesbians. And they all started to like take bets of who was going to get me to come out first.
It was, it was a wild experience. And what would you do? Would you just laugh and they're all talking about it? Yeah.
And I would just, I would just soak up the attention that I got. I'm the youngest of five.
So I've always just loved attention at any capacity. Right.
Right. And so I just like, I played into it.
I never ended up dating anyone. And it wasn't until my first girlfriend that I met who didn't show me any attention.
And I was like, what is going on? Like, why isn't this girl giving me attention? What's wrong with you? And my, my, I've always gone for, you know, very beautiful women, very straight codedated who you would never really identify just visually as gay um you love a beautiful woman yeah girl yeah yeah and so we started dating and the moment we started dating everything just clicked it was like oh this is what you're supposed to feel like this is what butterflies feel like this is what you know sexual relation like whatever it is feels like back when you had the like boyfriends in high school you didn't ever feel it just felt like that's what you were
supposed to do right like I went through all the phases of boyfriends and doing whatever you need
to with men and you know it wasn't it I just it never felt like anything other than that's what
people were doing so I just did it as well expectation or like a pressure I didn't feel
I'm going to put it i just felt like why wouldn't i be doing it kind of thing or if i don't do it something's wrong with me or like no i never even like questioned myself of it not it because it didn't matter until i like when i met my girlfriend and then that's it all clicked. It was just like, oh.
Because that was going to. This was never what it was supposed to be.
This is how it's supposed to be. Right, yeah.
So you never dated the guys and was like, all right, this is like. Or it doesn't feel right.
I love humans in general. Yeah.
And so I'm deeply in love with my friends. i'm deeply in love them a lot of my friends are men so i'm not i can fall in love with men easily it's just you know i just never knew that there was a difference from a physical attraction standpoint until i was physically attracted to a girl between the two you didn't really okay that makes sense because that's kind of like it's interesting because that's the first time i've heard someone that had a story like that because my best friend uh ashley i mean she she i knew she was gay my whole life before she ever came out our whole friend group knew it yeah never had boyfriends and she uh and she had the thing where like she slowly started to be like hey can i borrow your jeans and I'm yeah finally in my head i'm like yeah i borrowed my jeans yeah like so her whole thing was like
she always knew she's i knew when i was four years old yeah like and it was kind of the same thing
you know where we grew up it was majority white you know we had like two different kids that were
different races you know we didn't have you know lesbians or any queer people. Yeah, it was all of that.
Just a small little town. But we all knew.
Yeah, we all knew. Obviously, she knew, but she didn't tell anybody.
She'd get really mad at me when I would say, like, you know what? Internalized homophobia is very real. I would get so pissed when people would say something, too.
Yeah, and it's almost one of those things where it's like, I always tell her all the time because she beats herself up a lot. I'm like, listen, I don't think you understand the strength it took from the age of four to have to fight that your whole life.
And she had a lot of struggles in her adult life later on. I mean, a lot of that can lead up to it.
Yeah, it was a big part of it. And when I asked her, I said, do you think, um, being, you know, closeted was a issue that led to you having all these other adult issues? And she said, absolutely.
Like it was, it was the driving force of all of her trauma and everything that comes along with it. And it was just like, so I never heard anybody like that's, it's interesting that that was like, I didn't really know.
I was like, wow. Thankfully, I guess.
Yeah. There's a couple key points.
Definitely anyone listening to take out of it, though, like your friend. It has nothing to do with the acceptance of the people around you that limits someone's capability of expressing that part of themselves.
Right. So if someone's hiding that and it's late of them coming out, it's not it's never a you issue.
Right. There's A lot of people feel sad that someone didn't trust them.
Did they do something wrong? But that's just never the case. We just live in a world where we just question it.
And so when we, I speak to this often, queer people live a very different life from a maturity perspective. So your friend lived on authentically themselves for such a long time that when they finally did come out and live authentically themselves, that's when they kind of started life.
And so they're starting life at a later period of time, right? You're saying maturity wise. Yeah.
So you'll notice that a lot of queer people go through this kind of like crazy unhinged stage later in life is because they were finally themselves or in an environment they feel like they can be themselves when most cis, you know, straight people have just lived authentically themselves their entire life. Right.
That makes so much sense. And they went through that kind of crazy period, the age that normal people, yeah, that everyone everyone else does.
And they're just little. Exactly.
It makes a lot of sense, too, because she had a problem with it. I'm actually the one that was like, listen, because she went to jail, and she braided her hair, and she got it.
And then she had my jeans on the waist. And I said, just put your hair.
It was your jeans that did it. I said, put your hair.
I swear. I tell her, we made her laugh about all the time.
She was like, dude, I wore those jeans all the time. And she put her hair in a bun.
I said, here, why don't you wear my hat? Yeah. Once she wore that hat and had my, I swear, it was like, it was like nothing was in her way.
I'll never forget. I'll never forget when she told me like, hey, you know, I just want to let you know, like I'm gay.
And I said, it's okay. I know.
It's okay. I love you.
And I know. And I just tried to hold that space for her.
But I was just like, yeah, I know. I know I've known you know just waiting for you to want to come and say it yeah but I hope you guys know that if you haven't recognized it you guys probably saved and healed a lot of parts of her if you've never like thought through like just you being there for her and you being and her being comfortable enough to to come out to you and like that's huge right yeah that's.
I felt really honored. Cause when she did tell me she, uh, you know, she, I could tell she was like, almost like, listen, I'm going to tell you this crazy thing.
Yeah. I'm like, I know.
And she's like, thank God. Oh my God.
She started laughing. She said, I'm so happy that this is how it is.
It's crazy. That's just how we like, that's just how we are coded is just this fear right I mean I went through this I remember I was at um I had all my guy friends my best friends from high school they were up at my college house and we were playing drinking games and I was so nervous to tell them about me like having a girlfriend you were nervous oh so nervous it's very yeah I just didn't know what to expect you know you never really know and they gave me no reasons of ever thinking otherwise but I remember telling them and they were just like love you happy for you can we please keep playing this game right yeah like I feel like when you were you know you know coming out to people or telling people who you really are as a person it's scary and you there's got to be fear and you're being very vulnerable yeah and coming out never ends i you know even when i started i i work in corporate america and and so you're constantly coming out and every new person call that you meet like what do you mean what does that mean because people assume right people assume you know i worked in a male-dominated industry for a and they asked if I had a boyfriend or husband.
And so I was always in a situation of having to come out again. And there were certain, you know, I spent a large deal of my first career life of just hiding the best part of myself.
Right. It wasn't worth, wasn't worth the conversation or the potential like backlash of it.
Um, and I never, I didn't experience any type of, um, my family, my, my parents were accepting, my siblings were accepting. I never faced any of that hardship, which is really, you know, not common.
Like a lot of people find, we have two friends that we recently just became friends with and they just got engaged and neither of their families support them. And it, and when you get engaged, it's just supposed to be this just yeah the best freaking time of your life when you get engaged like those that month is just the most beautiful month that there is I think in your entire relationship and you know we threw them like this little surprise uh congratulations and they were just so emotional about it and love is just supposed to be celebrated at any capacity and it makes me really sad that people have to question and and and realize leah too leah my wife um she would her her direct her mom and dad were accepting but she was worried her dad's a farmer raised in you know in this in the area that we are and she we dated for a while before she told him and it, you know, in this, in the area that we are.
And she, we dated for a while before she told him. And it was, you know, I felt a little bad cause I was like, I can't do this unless they know.
Cause I feel like I'm sneaking around. Um, and she wrote him a letter and he, she, he thought she was dying.
Like, and he started crying and it was just, you know, and he was just happy she wasn't dying. You know what I mean? So.
Well, you sound like you're blessed with the people around you. Yeah.
I've, I collect outside my family, my sibling, I have really great relationships with, but outside of that, I collect really good people. I've been so blessed.
Like the humans in my life are just genuinely good people, male and female, all of like, we have a core group of friends that they're just, and that's, I feel like that's how life is. You are who you surround yourself by.
And that's always just been something I've lived, I have lived by. And honestly, that's a part of the reason that me and Kale, we weren't friends for the past five years.
We just, she just had surrounded herself with really toxic people. And that was the only situation that I was around toxicness besides my like past relationships.
Oh, really? Like, so, so you're saying five years, you guys are not friends because you didn't like the people she was around? So I was in a really bad place in life. It was 2020.
I went through a really dark, like wanted to take dirt naps all the time, like did not
want to be here.
And so I wasn't able to be present for myself and just adding the stress.
I mean, you guys know, okay, she has constant just shit going on around her and just chaos
around her.
And at that point it was just, you know, she was with Chris and there was just a lot of toxic nature around just what she was in and I just couldn't I couldn't handle it I couldn't deal with it I didn't want to be alive so how was I supposed to want to be alive or you know right the weight of that as well so that was we had the um a falling out based on a different conversation but it all it kind of all played so the falling out happened because you were like, listen, I can't know the falling. I won't get too deep into it, but the falling out happened.
It was based on a political conversation in 2020. And okay.
Oh, okay. But I don't give credit to just that.
I think it was an overall, we were a whole bunch of things. We were both being played by people that were in her life of just like people bringing the worst out of me.
Right. People were coming to like, I just started becoming a version of myself that I didn't even, I didn't like.
And then she, that they would go back to kale and chirp in her ear about, it was just piling and I don't deal with that in my life. Right.
Good people in my life so it was just it was not a good time for it and then Kale was going through what she was going through and it wasn't a good time for either of us and you know now people are like how are you starting uh Kale and I started a podcast karma and chaos and they're they're like give you give your eyes a second like you just started your friendship again and it's not like that because we cared and loved for each other for, you know, almost 10 years prior to that. We were, we were great friends.
And now people watch the video. She's standing outside your door and she's already bawling her eyes out before she even sees you.
Um, and I, and I, I love and care for her so much as a person and And so that never, that just kind of came back. And we are both the best versions of ourselves now than we've ever been.
And so we finally get to give each other a friendship that we deserve. Yeah.
Yeah, it's been a really beautiful, she reached out to me. So my dad passed away in June.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, two weeks before my and Leah's wedding.
Oh, wow. And Kale reached out when my dad passed away in June like yeah two weeks before my our mine Leo's wedding and Kale reached out when my dad passed away and so I was struggling with a lot of grief obviously and um I was struggling with people in my life who were important with my in my life that didn't reach out to you know that didn't because of whatever reason they didn't you know just give their whatever that word is that you're supposed to um or just be there for you yeah and so when kale reached out it just like kind of struck something inside me of just validating my own grief of of other people and validating that you should reach out when something happens to reevaluate who you're around wait why you're around.
Wait, why aren't these people? Yeah, it was a very, I mean, grief brings up so much, right? And so from that, it was funny. We started a conversation after kind of just catching up, and she called me, and I was like, listen, I'm going to be honest.
I talked my years and I don't want to I don't want this to come up now um and she just like respected that that I was just like hey I talked my shit to the and it was never publicly what do you mean what do you mean just like I just let people come when kale had would have falling outs with people they would always come to me really talk shit oh wow yeah because they knew because and did you know these people that were yeah like most yeah most of them i knew and just and you know you guys know how the life is right after me and kail had our breakup or whatever it is that you call it you know tabloids were reaching out to me one after another trying to get me to sell my story and i think that's also why it was so easy for us because i never went i never publicly talked about her i never publicly you know talked about our situation and that comes down to you being a good person yeah and you care about the people that you care you know that you love motivation to break her right yeah and so that's why i said to kayla wasn't really more so me talking shit. It was more of me welcoming people talking about her.
And that just never left like a good feeling for me. Yeah.
But again, that's, I was just like, I don't want these people coming forward and being like, right. And she was like, yeah.
Okay. Lay it all out on the table now.
Yeah. And you still hang out.
Those people are still in your life. Okay.
No, no, no, okay no they weren't people in my life to begin with it's just like for whatever reason when kale would have issues with people they would just come to you scurry scurry interesting every single one yeah it's like a damn plague like they want to just get let me collect as many people that can hate and agree with my opinion as yeah as possible. It's toxic.
Yeah. I just, and that's, and it's, I've done a really conscious effort in removing myself from toxic situations.
I've been in toxic relationships that have hurt people I love because of that relationship pouring over into my other relationships. And so I'm very conscious of who I give my energy to.
Same.
And I've been so impressed with Kale in these past however many months
of re-getting to know her.
And she's grown up so much in the five years that I've been gone.
You know, she even said, you know, we were talking and she was just, and she was talking about scheduling stuff to record our podcast. And she's like, I can come to you no problem.
And that was never something that Kale would have said when we were friends before. And she have said before that I just drove to her all the time.
And then almost 10 years of friendship. She had been to my house like a couple of times.
Like it was, yeah, it and um that's interesting yeah and so you know I said to her I was like Kelly I just want you to know like I recognize this effort and I really it's really appreciated and she was you know she was like I wasn't a good equal friend to you before and I don't want that to be the situation now and I want to make sure that you know that and even things like little things like that right she'll check in on me and not that she didn't check on me on in on me before but it's just different right it is different like she cares she I feel that she cares about me a lot more as a human and like I really value that and that's something and I don't keep people around that aren't making those efforts anymore. I feel like her taking accountability is just a, it's another example of the growth and that you have to have humility in order to bridge this gap.
And I feel like, yeah, I think it's right for you to acknowledge it to her and say like, cause people need to hear it. Cause honestly, I feel like we have a similar, like, you know, just going to therapy and just learning about yourself.
And so when you do all the work and it's nice to get validated from someone outside, but hey, I see it. It's like, oh, thank you because I've been blowing my eyes out for doing all this shadow work.
It's hard. It's hard work.
Yeah, when people are doing good and they're making changes, it's important. I feel like if you see it and you are a true friend, you do tell them those things.
I make it a point to reach out to all my friends at least once every two weeks. And I just say, how are you doing? Yeah.
And I just had a kid. And it's funny because one of my friends wrote me and said, hey, like, how about how are you doing? And I was like, whoa.
I was like, you know, you're the only one that asked me how I'm doing in years. And it's not that I expect them to, you know, return the favor.
but it's just one of those things where it's like, if I have a sense of like, I haven't heard from them in a minute, how are they doing? It's important just to, I think checking up is like one of the best things to do. If someone crosses your mind, text them.
It's something that I've always lived by. And I meditate and I'll be like, listen, you came across my conscience today.
I just wanted to reach out and say how, you know, what's going on. And then sometimes they'll write you back a novel.
Like, oh my God. You never know what someone's going through.
So I just feel like checking in on people is super important. Yeah.
I was actually just conscious. I was on my, on my flight here and I was consciously thinking I've been pretty absent.
I've been pretty absent from my friends the past couple of, I would say past month and a half, just because Leah and I have been really deep in IVF. And I was like, now that things have slowed down a little bit, I consciously thought I need to, everyone's been checking on me, which I needed this past month and a half, which is totally fine.
But when I get home, I was like, I need to do a trip around the world and just reach out to those people and check in with them and make sure that they're good too. Right.
So how was IVF? How was that whole process? Yeah. Yeah, especially being a lesbian couple.
Yeah. You know? So it's a lot.
IVF is a lot for anyone. No one prepares you for the mentalcoaster that comes with IVF.
We started in February and we let's go, let's go through the, I don't want to, I don't want to just give you the ending. And so when you start with IVF first, you, you know, you go and do your baseline testing, figure out, making sure that this is for my experience.
For straight people, it's a little different because obviously if you're going into that,
you're going because you think that there's an infertility issue where you need help,
which is so freaking common that it's not talked about enough.
For us, we didn't go because we had infertility issues. We don't have that with us right right right yeah um and so we went and did our baseline testing they they reach out to your insurance ivf is fucking expensive and it shouldn't be um it shouldn't be at the time neither of our insurances covered it luckily my job switched, their benefit package and mine ended up did covering it.
So we only had to pay for Leah, but we decided that we wanted to do co IVF. And so that's when you do egg retrievals, you fertilize the eggs and then you swap.
So Leah, Leah will carry my embryo. I'll carry her embryo.
Oh, so you both are going to carry. We, yeah.
And so we went through also a unique donor selecting process. Uh, typically what people do is they'll go online, they'll go to a cryo bank and they'll select a donor based on baby picture and just a little bit of information that donor stays private and hidden until the child is 18.
Then the file opens. That's a pretty common.
Yeah. Um, luckily I had someone reach out because they started a company.
They didn't like that experience and wanted a more personal experience. And so it was a queer couple.
It was a pediatrician and a lawyer they started a private donor matching company
it's called seed scout and so we went through seed scout and it was the only good experience through this whole entire journey and um we essentially interviewed people we that's amazing yeah so we we consciously got to choose a really good human that could be a really huge part of our life. Um, most cases gay men can't donate to sperm banks and it's all wow what i never knew that gay men can't donate blood either it's like it's all out yeah it's just that i don't that's our country is very coded well they should be able to donate blood too if you know you just or whatever.
It's crazy. But that part, wow.
So most, a lot of the men that are a part of Seed Scout are gay men looking to help queer families start their own family because they know they're going to have to have help at some point as well. So we went through this process.
They gave us probably like 60 people to start with. Then we went down to six.
Then we interviewed two. We fell in love, like in love with our donor.
We met him and his husband. And we talked the first time.
We probably talked for like three hours. And it just felt, we just felt so lucky that we had met him as a person.
Right. And then we got to consciously make that choice that if our child ever wants to know that side of them, then we know that's a good person they're going to.
That's beautiful. And we get ongoing medical history, which is really important to us.
And then they also limit to three families that he can donate to. You can pay extra to have exclusive with him, but we, we welcome that three families.
So we actually get introduced to the other families as well. We actually, Lee and I just went out to dinner with one of the families last weekend.
So we met them for the first time. They already have a child.
No, they're, they're trying right now. So our kids are going to be half siblings but we're gonna but we're gonna raise them almost like cousins like you know go on family vacations and make sure they know each other and and know we're basically creating our queer little family right yeah oh cool you know what though in my opinion that's fucking beautiful yeah and it's beautiful to witness yeah and to hear like that's amazing okay keep yeah like I like like you know the fact of like you're actually consciously making a decision to not only invite this person but the potential to be like yeah and you have those conversations right some people go into this not wanting a relationship and that's totally fine you can can have, you know, we get a yearly medical update.
You get a yearly picture. And that's how some people want it, which is totally fair for us.
We wanted, you know, it was funny when we, when we met him, they were just speaking to how their parents are having a little bit of a harder time just conceptualizing it, not being their grandchild. Right.
Okay. Because it it isn't because it's our child it'll be our child but i was like if if your parents want to love our kid like a grandchild let them you know like see this is why i told you if i could go back i would have picked the gayest couple probably about it yeah about like because our adoption journey was obviously it's me a lot about, where it's like, you know, you can have these small things or you can be very together.
And all that does is love the child more. Yeah.
You know, it's beautiful. Which is like, I don't understand why people even have the other idea of like, what could be so bad.
I think it's fear-based. Yeah, I mean, it is fear-based because you never know.
Someone's choice can change. Yeah.
Obviously, someone's decision can change of what they're. Yeah.
And and I think for us that's what it was important for us to find someone that was married in a relationship that had stability that knew already what their future looked like or what they wanted where and also them being a gay couple it's not like another female is going to come in and feel some type of ownership right or some type of way it so it was beautiful it was and we i we'd met him for the first time we went out he lives in chicago we went and out to dinner with them i'll show you guys pictures of him later yeah he's beautiful too oh he's beautiful that makes it even better you know yeah yeah um so that was the only good part of our entire journey was choosing our donor. Uh, the rest has been a fucking nightmare.
Uh, you have to go through psych evaluations, genetic counseling, lawyers, you have to get a counseling. What is genetic counseling? So you have to, we have to do genetic testing and our donor has to do genetic testing to make sure we don't, aren't carriers of the same genes because when you're carriers of the same genes you have a higher chance of passing that along to your child and that can cause birth defects and things of those sorts which is really bad which is crazy because straight people are just raw dogging it through yeah right exactly yeah so um so after you do genetic testing they come back and they and you have to have a meeting a genetic counselor.
And they go through your genes, the donor's family history, and explaining the likelihood of, based on their medical history, what it looks like moving forward. Just so you know.
Okay. Which was fine.
It's just another way to have to pay more money for things. Of course.
Yeah, our genes were fine. It didn't.
Which is good because you you already love this yeah that was and that was so nerve-wracking we were waiting for our genetic testing to get back and i and i told the person that owns the donor companies at seed scout i was like listen i never want to go through this again uh i'm just letting you know get people's genetic testing done before they fall in love with someone because we would have been heartbroken if we had to go through that again. So yeah, it was just, we am, I don't know if you guys know this, uh, IVF costs are private.
So every clinic is different costs based on their own choosing. So I had to price shop.
Essentially I had to go pay $300 fees just to understand what their pricing was for their ivf and since you know we chose to do a more expensive way we that's how we wanted to do it and we didn't want money to be the reason we didn't start our family how it was um did you find a really big difference and oh yeah insane really in insane opinion that is wrong you're literally taking from people who literally just want to have a family yeah Yeah. And so, yeah.
And at the time we thought we both had to pay. So we went with a more affordable option.
We've had a really shit experience. Not the quality of care, but we've just had a terrible, like, we've just been a number in their system.
And that is what it is. It was worth it to us because it was a third of the cost of anywhere else.
And so it's been awful. The experience has been awful.
But with that being said, um, I, one thing I didn't expect either was when we, we did our retrievals a couple of weeks ago and retrievals is when they take eggs to be able to fertilize, turn them into embryos. I only got one embryo out of my my retrieval I had like and I don't know why I'm a pretty emotionally aware person of my emotions but I had a full like mental breakdown I was I just felt like disappointed in my body like did I do something you know you felt betrayed by your own body yeah yeah and so and then we went to do our transfers and the doctor was like oh someone you're your age, that's normal.
The second time you go, you'll have a better outcome. And I was like, why didn't anyone fucking tell me that before? Why didn't you tell me that, man? Right.
I'm having a mental breakdown. Yeah.
Like we would have mentally prepared to have to do two retrievals. Right.
And so there was just a lot of emotion and you're on hormone shots every day for weeks. Oh, you are? Yes.
Oh, yeah. I didn't know that.
Okay. Yeah.
It's crazy. I thought they just went in and got the's crazy.
I mean like seven different medicine. It's wild.
Yeah. Have side effects and stuff.
I mean, this is hormonal. You said, so I'm assuming there's something.
I'm an emotional person. I cry probably twice a day.
And so, um, for some reason, I think the hormones leveled me out. Like I felt like, Hey, can I get some more of those? Keep a prescribed those for me yeah leo was leah is normally not a moody person she was moody like and people were like how could you do it together it was beautiful we we're also obsessed with each other so it just made sense for us to do it yeah um leah got nine healthy embryos out of her, um, out of her transfer.
And then because I only had one, they said that we should do a fresh transfer. So tip, there's two different types of transfers you can do.
You can freeze the embryos and then do a frozen transfer at any point. And transfers are when they implant the embryo into you.
Okay. Um, I only had one, there's a slight higher chance of embryos kind of dying through the...
The process, right? Like not making it. The freezing process.
Okay. So they didn't want to freeze my embryo because I only had one.
Yeah. So Leah and I both did five-day fresh transfers like three weeks ago.
My transfer did not take, but Leah's did. So that one, Leah's pregnant right now.
Oh, my God! Yeah. Congratulations! Thank you.
I know. It makes me so happy.
I know. It's still early, but...
Yeah. And that's a whole other...
We never really had to... We had to navigate the telling of people of, you know, is it too early? Cause she's technically when we're recording this now, she's six weeks.
And so it's still very early. It's scary time.
It's early, but you know what? I had a conversation with someone that miscarriages and things of those things are so common that, and they're just not talked about enough, right? It's using complications. And so when you wait till they say 12 weeks, everyone doesn't get to experience that little glimmer of excitement and hope with us.
Right. And don't rob it from us.
Yeah. And how could, if something happens, how can they be there with you to support you? A hundred percent.
That's, that's exact. And so we're getting, we are so over the moon right now.
We excited i'll do another transfer again and i'll try again i wasn't even sad about my transfer not working because i was just so ecstatic about leah's like my little embryo is like inside like you know what i mean yeah and so so she's carrying your one embryo yeah so my one embryo your one embryo you guys are both going to like creating a piece of each other yeah so wow that's why we did it yes and and that's what it was important to me because and initially i never wanted to be pregnant that was never on my bingo card my friends would would have been what the fuck what are you talking about why do you think you didn't want because when when we started going through this leah was you know we sat down and she was like becky i'm nervous about carrying your the plan was for her always to carry my embryo first because so we're both a part of this first pregnancy journey and she was like what if this is the only child i can carry what if something happens and i'm never able to carry my own or i'm never able to bring my own blood into this world. Completely valid.
And I said, I would love to carry your embryo. And she was like, what? She was like, really? I was like, are you kidding? Like how fucking beautiful is that that I get to carry a piece of you? Like I don't give a shit about carrying my own embryo, but like I get to like to do that for you.
how that's the best thing that I could do oh my god you guys are beautiful yeah and so that's where that came from and if it ends up being that I can't carry I think that the the effort that I made too I think eased Leah's mind enough that we that that we're trying right and it's not uncommon for someone i'm 34 and so it's not uncommon for transfers not to work either so it's not some huge shocker yeah um that's why we were just happy with hers working and all of her blood work keeps getting stronger and stronger and then you know and if it doesn't work for you you know we have we have eight embryos left of hers so she could carry her own if yeah you know you guys exactly like we want another child and yeah I actually think I'm going to do another retrieval before I do a transfer just so I have a couple more embryos frozen ready for if the day ever comes um and was that process painful the retrieval part so I didn't have any issues with the retrieval part
um the aftermath is a little weird it like they had to go through my abdomen as well as oh wow like inside so you just have like tight just pain so like when you try to go to the bathroom you can't push because like it's just like cramping yeah leah had some complications after her retrieval she had a a lot of fluid, which could happen, but overall it, I wouldn't tell people not to do it. Right.
Like it's nothing to be afraid of. It's worth it.
It sucks. It is what it is.
Everyone responds to like this past week has been wild. Cause it just, everything kind of just happened this past week.
I just started coming down off a month of hormones and so it was just i was just i was getting my period for the first time after being so this month this past week was just crazy even through it i'm like like leah's like and it was funny so they didn't call us when they were supposed to to tell us our pregnancy results and like leah was hysterically crying in bed and i'm sitting there like wide-eyed like looking at her like this girl better be pregnant because what the fuck is going on right now yeah but it sounds like there needs to be some reform even in that department as far as i've seen there just needs to be more guidance, right? So we didn't have any expectations of how long certain phases were of what we needed. They just send you like 14 different medicines and shots and expect you to, Leah's a medical provider.
She's a PA. So she knows that world.
Thank God, right? Yeah. God.
Yeah. And like, if it wasn't for her, like, and not for nothing.
Also, a lot of people going through IVF might not have that support of a husband that can help and guide through that journey too. And I think about that often of just how lonely we were lucky.
We got to do it together. We had each other to go through that.
Just how lonely some people must feel going through that process and the emotions that kind of come from it. So do you think that IVF could benefit from maybe having like a psychological department with each IVF like facility or whatever you want to call it? Do they have like a counselor? I think it should be a case worker.
Each person should have a case worker that helps guide them through each step. And it could be that way at way at other places that's just not the experience that we have right and it could be because we went to somewhere that was cheaper right like we're not getting that personalized experience it could have been different and so um outside the medical part of it all i mean there should be some kind of psychological like just support just support yeah i started there i've restarted therapy a couple months ago knowing that we were going to go through this um because i wanted someone to know me as a human before all the drugs yeah right like i didn't want to like walk into therapy and just be like hysterically crying and then not knowing me as a person at all right um so i highly definitely suggest finding a therapist throughout this process too because it can it can be lonely because there's different obviously we've been we have such a great relationship that we're able to communicate that but there's so many unexpected feelings that come up through this process that having a therapist having a therapist in general is great it's healthy it's healthy but what a beautiful like it's awesome at the end of it it's such a beautiful
thing having a therapist having a therapist in general is great it's healthy it's healthy but what a beautiful like it's awesome at the end of it it's such a beautiful thing yeah like how exciting and people always say that you're never really ready to have kids but I think that for us it everything kind of made sense we I was a partier I was a different state every weekend Leah is a home buddy like which was fine that worked for our relationship she stayed home I went out um and until a couple I would say the past couple years I enjoy sitting at home on the couch with Leah more than anything in this world and our lives just kind of slowed down we slowed down with our friends like we have friends that come over and we hang out and that and we were just ready we were just like yeah like I'm excited we're excited to experience life with a child now to give them the love we have so much fucking love to give and we have so much love we have so much support around us and We were just so us. And we were just so we're just so ready.
And that's also another thing Leah is highly like speaks about is if anyone is thinking in the future of wanting to have kids, especially if you're queer, start the process now.
We wanted to be pregnant in January.
Right.
And so it's been almost a year of this whole process because you could do the process freeze your embryos and let them sit there until you're ready to have kids right but just start because you never know what's going to happen you never know you know the hurdles and you want to when you're ready to have kids you want to be able to enjoy it it it almost doesn't feel real yet because it's just been this scientific process of frustration and like you know ebbs and flows and like whatever but yeah i'm excited i can't wait i'm like i know i don't even know you but now i know you and i'm like i know i love it i'm like oh my god you guys are so beautiful i'm like a little puddle over here seriously how like she's more of a home body or whatever and yeah no because i feel like we were similar i was always like let's go i'm gonna talk to people and she was more like dude i just want to like chill in my house that yeah safe space please don't put me in that situation now and then now i'm like i'm like i'm on her i'm on her i'm on her now it's more sometimes i'm like come on can we please leave i know and i'm like get out want to hang out at home man I don't want to do anything but isn't it like such a peaceful yeah thing because you you experience the party and all yeah but now it's like wow this is really nice I've lived a life for enough people of hundreds of people I've traveled the world I've experienced life I've given everything into my early 20s that you're supposed, which is so awesome. Now it's time to settle down and give that to a little person.
I can't even, there's no regrets now. Cause he did.
No, none. I don't have to sit here.
Like I didn't get to experience literally none. I feel bad a little bit for Leah because she was, she's a physician's assistant.
So her life was a little bit different than mine. She didn't't get to i lived college how everyone's supposed to live college um she was studying all through college so she has a little bit more traveling that i'd like to see her just experience in the world but you know what's cool but she has we have time but you know what's cool though it's like your child gets to experience it with you guys and her for the first time you know oh for sure that's beautiful yeah we're gonna we're excited oh my gosh I can't wait to keep up on that you guys are cute and I have never even met her and I'm like you guys are so cute I can't wait for the world to just because Leah's one of those people and it'll be interesting to see how she does in kind of a scenario leah's really funny but she isn't funny for everyone and you know what i mean like yeah she is a silly goofy girl like she is she is so freaking like cute and funny but not everyone gets to really see that like side of her until she is a little bit more comfortable.
But I'm hoping, I'm hoping throughout this, you know, people get to know her and see her. Yeah.
She's the best. Especially cause now that it's like, it's like, you can almost just, this is what, this is how our life is.
This is the process that we're in. And it's like, what a, almost what a beautiful way to introduce like everything.
It's like, this is what's going on. And this is what, this is what like this for sure you already done yourself you party you got all your system everything and now it's like now I'm now I'm family life and it's so like yeah and I'm excited it's it's always been fun for me uh I've always done well with the attention that comes with being friends with kale and the things that come along with it and I've always been very conscious of using that attention for things that are going to give back to the world.
And even throughout this process of IBF and, and Lee and I creating a family or even Lee and I getting married, the feedback that I am able to get from people of, you know, we give them hope of what they could potentially have in the future is just, that is what I cannot, I just love that social media gives that to us, right? Social media gives us this hope that other people might not see that I never had this representation. That's what I mean for the younger generations too, you know, somebody who feels maybe a little different, you know, like.
To see people and be like, oh, it's okay because in the future I could have these things. I feel like a lot of queer people and trans people, you know, they don't have that.
Yeah. Not at all.
It's becoming more common. Yeah.
It's because people like you and our friends, they talk about it more. Well, by sharing their stories.
Yeah. That's why me and me always talk about like if T-Mom ever tried to shift over to like housewives kind of shit or anything.
Yeah. I'm out.
Because we always say like, listen, like I don't, we don't like to do anything meaningless. I want purpose.
I want, I want a moral compass. For sure.
Whatever this journey is. Even if it's one person.
Yeah. I did what I was supposed to, you know? Yeah.
So we were like, we're like, listen, there has to be a bigger reason for why we've gotten this. A hundred percent.
Undeserving spotlight. Like we don't know why this happened, so let's not waste it yeah I mean do something good with it yeah I'm so ecstatic that you guys are starting a podcast because it leaves um it it leaves you to be able to do that a little bit more yes and I love it more freedom because like there's so many you know team mom has changed so yeah and it's clips of your life.
It's like, it's little, you know,
consumable clips that are right.
It's like a fraction.
And there's so much more,
not full thoughts.
Yeah.
There's so much more.
It's like me and Kate done so much work behind the scenes,
like just with therapy and just,
just couples count,
all that growing,
getting older.
Yeah.
And it's like that stuff.
We have a spotlight.
Let's just,
before it fades,
let's let's get all that out there,
which is really why we wanted to start this whole podcast.
and all that growing, getting older. Yeah.
And it's like that stuff. We have a spotlight.
Let's just, before it fades, let's, let's get all that out there, which is really why we wanted to start this whole podcast in the first place. Yeah.
That's beautiful. People have been telling us to do it.
Well, and we can dive deeper into things that are important to us. Yeah.
Conversations are so important. Like life.
And I speak to this so much is life's not supposed to be lived lived alone. And we, like pain is so universal and life's fucking hard.
And why do it by yourself and why not share, right? We have to use the things that happen to us in a way to give back because if we don't, it's just going to consume us. And so what better way to make something worth of pain by helping someone else go through that pain or prevent someone from going through that by using that.
Absolutely. I'm just feeling alone because I feel like everyone's got something going on.
Oh, yeah. And I always try to filter my – even when I'm feeling myself being judgmental, I'm like, wait a minute.
Like, all right, there's something going on. I don't know about it.
There's always something deeper going on. Even with the people who are the most cruel and vile like you're like okay this is coming from somewhere so i feel like like thankfully we're people that think like that everybody does you know something that's really important that me and kate strive for is just staying curious i always want to be curious i don't ever want to label something and just be done with it and put it on the shelf i want to like always keep it open and that's why like when we saw we were you know gonna interview interview you you um i was like we don't want to label something and just be done with it and put it on the shelf.
I want to like always keep it open. And that's why like when we saw who you're, you know, going to interview, interview you,
you, um, I was like, we don't know anything about Becky.
I only know a little bit.
And he was like, well, that makes it even better.
We're going to have the best conversation ever.
And I'm like, yeah.
You guys should have seen us be like God here.
And we're just sitting here in silence because we're like trying not to yap too much.
Don't speak.
Yeah.
Becky's spitting stuff.
And I'm like, la, la, la.
I don't want to hear it. Shut up.
I don't want to hear it.
Until we have to press record. Seriously.
But staying curious is important it is kind of what that's how we grow yeah i mean yeah you gotta stay curious about your own healing your own journey other people's and i feel like this podcast and this platform is kind of like the perfect yeah i think it's gonna open it's gonna open a lot of doors for the two of you to because you're just such such like thought seeking people. I can tell already that it's going to open doors for you to continue to grow at a different pace and different perspective than you were able to before.
You know, consciously making sure that you're bringing on people that are going to challenge you and educate you in your own personal growth, which is, I mean, not for nothing, it's going to make you better parents too, right? Like you, you, you make more connections with people and you allow yourself to open your eyes to that, to the possibilities of what could happen. And it just makes you a better person overall.
I'm like, you don't gain anything by being around people who agree with everything you do. Like that, that is literally the definition of being stagnant.
Like you'll never evolve. And if you're not evolving, you're just losing.
Like you're really dying. So like the whole point of this is to evolve until I can't no more.
And it's like, that should never be like, it's kind of like inhibited because you're surrounding yourself by people who, I always say, I want to be the dumbest person in the room. That's yeah I want I want to surround myself with people who are wiser more experienced because like what do I have to gain if I'm around people who are like yeah you're right oh yeah it's like no I love opposing viewpoints I love oh god does he you would love you would love to have a night at my house with my friends because we all don't agree on everything.
And we all agree on the things that matter from a moral position. But we don't agree on it.
It's always just like bickering back and forth. It's funny.
But there's healthy bickering. Oh, for sure.
And I feel like it's actually important to do that. Oh, 100%.
Let's venture. Let's go back and forth about our opposing viewpoints.
That's interesting to me because i feel like without that there's no growth none i'm like if i'm not growing i might as well just die now yeah so now you know moving like moving forward all i know now is i want to meet your wife now you guys sound like amazing people yeah leah is the best i think we need to set something up if she's ever comfortable even zoom like i want to like she would like you guys she likes a little bit she's like gives like can feel energy and she i can tell that she would like being i would love to keep up on your guys's story because like i said i have and i just want to say thank you for coming on and just being vulnerable and sharing who you are as a person i think it's beautiful and i know we're invested no i am i said she's like talking about all this stuff her wife i'm like i'm such a puddle they're so cute well you have a house that is open to people like hosting people if you and the fam ever want to come to new jersey in the mount we have like a mountain house basically um it's beautiful no cell service you said no kids can come there's it's we, we live on 20 acres. So like lots of stuff, my camper.
Yeah. I'll camp out of yards somewhere.
Yeah. Please come.
And, um, but I thank you guys for having me on. I've really enjoyed this conversation and I think that there's going to be a nice friendship that comes from this.
Thank you. Yeah.
You have a podcast. So where can people, where can they find you? Um, all of my socials are hater 25 H A Y T E R.
Uh, that's Instagram, anything, whatever it is. That's, that's the name for it.
And then karma and chaos can find that on Spotify, Apple. You can find me always on Kale's Instagram as well, which I'm sure everyone listening knows who that is.
Uh then for the haters is my own personal podcast that i remember that yeah i'm excited that'd be good we need to come on that yeah a thousand percent that fits with us like
i will i would love to have you guys on all right well all right we got some things to
yeah
are you looking for a new job or want a career change
Thank you. Yeah.
He's ruined. Awesome.
Take a stop and break it down. Yeah.
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