Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 2 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

That thing that says, I will not accept this world that is.

While it drives us to create what could be,

that world can't wait to see what you'll do.

Where will your wonder take you?

And what will it make you?

The University of Arizona.

Wonder makes you.

Start your journey at wonder.arizona.edu.

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Hey everyone, Scott Auckerman here and welcome to another bonus bang.

Bonus Bangs being, of course, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

And

we are now in the middle of a series of episodes called Time Bobby.

Hopefully you heard last week's bonus bang with Time Bobby the first episode.

We are now going to be letting you hear the second Time Bobby episode.

I believe this is called Time Bobby 2.

This was originally released April 22nd, 2013 as episode 215.

A lot of numbers, I understand.

2, 2013, 22, 25, 215.

It's a lot, but...

All you have to know is a year prior, Bobby Moynihan and Paul F.

Tompkins and I I sat down and we recorded the iconic Time Bobby episode, which was voted on as the best episode of that year.

And then this year, in 2013, we reconvened.

Paul F.

Tompkins is playing Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber and Bobby Moynihan returns as the stab happy orphan Forval.

Now, we find out in this episode A lot of different stuff.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but

if the words Tuval and Freivolt mean anything to you, well, you're in for a good one.

If you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear more episodes featuring either Bobby Moynihan or Paul F.

Tomkins or anyone else, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes that you can't find anywhere else.

We have every single live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, bonus shows like CBB Presents and Scott hasn't seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Brace yourself, battle whales.

The tide is rising.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, what a catchphrase.

Brace yourself, Battle Whales.

The tide is rising.

Thank you so much for that so Ravenclaw.

You're not supposed to say that in vain.

Ravenclaw?

No.

No, that's made up.

The thing about the Battle Whales.

Really?

The Battle Whales thing is real?

The ancient call to the Battle Whales.

Brace yourself, Battle Whales?

The tide is rising.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

Leave it out.

Why would this person be so cavalier about this, then?

I don't know.

The crown has many enemies.

Wait, so these are whales.

The queen is controlled by the queen.

Controlled?

Not controlled by the queen.

Like telepathically with a concentric circle?

No, no, no.

That's just corgis.

Did you know the queen controls the world's population of corgis?

I had no idea.

Yes.

God help us if she ever unleashes them.

Even the ones here in the States.

Corgi's the world over, though.

The world over.

Please don't go.

Even in

alternate dimensions.

My go- ultimate.

What?

Theoretically, we don't know that there are

alternate dimensions.

You mean the.

You said

difficult to say.

Alternate dimensions.

Alternate dimensions.

Every day, in every way, I am growing better and better.

So, you mean the infinite amount of dimensions that exist every time we make as humans a choice?

Yeah.

There are several other choices that we as humans could make.

Sliding dolls, don't you know?

Yes, of course.

So, then there is an infinite amount of alternate dimensions, and this queen of the.

No, there's a hundred.

Only 100.

Only 100.

And who controls the damage?

That much we know.

Whose choices can have.

And may I say 50 of them?

Give it a miss.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Okay.

It's the same.

Everyone's clothes are on backwards.

Oh, yeah.

Boring.

I remember the group Crisscross came from that dimension and they traveled over here.

Just to find out about that.

I just remembered it.

The science of remembering.

You know, I searched back within the recesses of my mind, and it was something that I knew, and so I said it.

You're

a bit of a detective, much like the batting gentleman.

Yes, the batting gentleman.

What a great guy.

Remember him?

Violante Justice.

So, getting back to the point, though, the queen controls...

The queen in our universe controls the...

Yes, our queen, Elizabeth II.

Not the queen in several other universes.

Is there a queen in the hundred other universes?

In, I would say, roughly a quarter of them.

So in 2015.

Thank you.

I thought you were going to go on

professionalism.

Kind of expected there to be a longer answer.

Did you now?

But 25%, so 25 of these other universes, there is a queen.

Roughly.

But that queen does not control any of the corgis?

No.

Only one queen controls the corgis.

One queen to control them all, of course.

Yes.

It's Tolkienian, don't you?

Of course.

So this queen controls all the corgis in the hundred other universes.

Yes.

What corgis there are?

What

would happen if she was able to create some sort of interdimensional bar, not barrier, but some sort of portal in which all the corgis from all other universes.

Stargate, if you will.

Okay, sure.

All the corgis from all the other universes were to gather here on our Earth.

Would there be enough Corgis to enslave the human race?

Answer me that.

Here's the real question.

Okay, I'm sorry mine wasn't good enough, but go ahead with yourself.

Whatever happened to Jay Davidson from the crying game?

That is a crazy question.

He was in Stargate and then not much else.

I know.

It seemed he had all that heat.

Where is he now?

I wonder, where might he be?

Jay, what's his name, Steve?

Davidson.

Davidson.

Oh, that's part of the moment.

Son of David.

Yes, of course.

Remember, last we talked, we spoke to the vicar of Yanks.

Yes, of course.

We discussed names,

the provenance of surnames.

Of course, in your country.

Where does yours come from?

Webber.

He who webs.

Right.

I'm descended to spider people.

Spider people.

Yes.

Back in the Middle Ages, don't you know?

As soon as the Middle Ages, there were spider people.

A lot of people don't know this in the science.

It was only the Middle Ages.

Oh, okay.

That's where they really flourished, spider people.

I understand.

And then what happened to that race?

That brave, brave race?

No one wanted the webs.

Oh.

So

they were not

a warrior race.

They were more...

No, no, they were craftsmen.

Tradesmen.

They made...

Tradesmen, if you will.

They made webs for the villagers.

Okay.

No one had use of them.

Yeah, I would wonder.

The Webbers would say, Here now, I'll make you a web so you can catch some food.

What food might that be, the villager might ask?

The Webber would reply, Flies.

Well, no, thank you.

I'm a human being.

How dare you suggest I eat flies?

I would imagine

a typical conversation of the middle.

Yeah, I would imagine, though, Renfield would have been very into that.

Oh, from Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

I imagine he would have found great use for that.

Fly-eater, but he didn't have money.

The insane aren't allowed to hold jobs.

That is true.

They're not allowed to hold money either.

Anytime.

Yeah, anytime an insane person actually grasps money, an alarm goes off at the treasury.

It's a ghastly nightmare.

And Nicholas Cage is called.

The B of E.

Yes, of course.

The Bank of England.

I spells out for you.

Thank you, Costridge.

Personally, I bank at the B of A.

B of A.

Bank of.

Americar.

Oh, America.

Certainly.

Yes.

By the way, I haven't introduced you.

No.

And I have.

Do I need an introduction?

I don't believe you.

So, but just in case,

this is crazy, but if this is someone's very first foray into comedy boxes.

You've been comatose for quite some time.

That's right.

If you're in some sort of dead zone situation where the minute you woke up, you grasped someone and psychically realized that there is a podcast that you should be listening to.

I say,

wouldn't it be wonderful if someone in one of these dead zone scenarios they awake from their coma and they grasp some.

An Oxford coma.

Yes.

I don't give a fuck about it.

Vampire Weekend.

Your favorite band, by the way.

I love them.

Just a sidebar.

Vampire Weekend.

We've talked about this many times off mic.

Yes.

What do you love so much about Vampire Weekend?

They're jaunty young lads

with a fun dress sense.

They're not trying to hurt anyone, despite their name.

Perhaps the name means vampires having a weekend in which they do not suck the blood out of living people.

Do you think they take Renfield along with them on this weekend?

I mean...

I wonder if they have a fun Renfield.

I wonder.

A fellow who eats flies.

Have you thought about turning their music, what little music there is from them, their third album coming out right now, but into a music howl?

Well, what I've thought is, I wish they would take my works and turn them into fun pop albums.

There you go.

Why do you think that's the only thing you're doing?

Why do the heavy work and the heavy lifting?

So I wonder what that would be like.

That would be like Jesus Christ Superstar.

It would be like...

Well, you know, those

Jesus Christ Superstars, perfect example.

Those songs are very, very heavy, aren't they?

The rock and roll songs.

Sure.

And the mind is clearer now.

Yes, do sing it.

At last, all too well,

I can see

where we all soon will be.

Do you realize you do so much?

If you straight away, I've got goose people.

The myth from the man,

we will see where we all soon will be.

I got

to see

Jesus.

Excellent mic technique.

You started to believe the things they say of you.

Oh, you'd make a wonderful Judas.

Would I know?

But for one thing, and I think you know what it is.

What is that?

The

color spelled with a U.S.

colour now, now

of my please.

That's enough.

You go too far, sir.

All right, so sorry.

How did we get on Vampire Weekend?

What were we talking about right before that?

Renfields.

Before that.

Before the Vampire Weekend, we were talking about...

Oh, yes.

Oh, when someone is in a comma.

Yes.

Yes.

If they awoke from their coma and they grasp someone and they instantly were able to

download, as it were, all the information available about me.

Wow.

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webbar.

That's who I am.

That is true.

In a Shamalanian ending, I have revealed my own identity.

Oh, my God.

Usurping the power from you, the host.

Well, then I shall reveal my own identity.

I'm the host, Scott Auckerman.

You haven't.

I say, you've beat me at my own game.

Ah, were you about to reveal my identity?

I'd assumed you'd already done so.

In a J.

Davidson-type twist, I decided to reveal my own.

Whatever happened to you?

To me.

And this is Comedy Bing-Bong, of course.

Of course it is.

Comedy Beanbag.

And

another episode.

And you are my co-host of this.

Yes, another episode.

Can we...

Why do we keep going?

What's the end game, really?

I don't get it.

Ivy, do me a favor.

All these episodes...

Really?

I mean, we put out enough good ones.

You could just re-listen to those over an open.

Oh, now I see.

Oh.

There might be two schools of thought about that, dear boy.

Really?

Perhaps you're searching for one more good one to go out on.

Ah, yeah.

Well, maybe if this one's a good one, this will be the end.

I'll hope Springs are turtle.

All right.

Well, thank you so much for for being my co-host again.

It is my pleasure.

And what has been going on with you, Andrew Lloyd Weber?

I mean, you've been living in the merry old land of Ng.

Yes.

England, of course.

And

it's been a while since we have spoken.

It's been quite a while.

It's been, of course, quite a while.

And

I always love to catch up with you because you're always up to something fascinatingly interesting.

Oh, yes, aren't I?

Yes, of course.

Always up to something

fascinatingly interest.

I say, do you hear that rap-tap-tapping upon the our chamber door?

Yes.

It is a visitor, I suppose, and nothing more.

Hello.

Where's that voice coming from?

Hello.

I'm looking at the space where a regular-sized human-being man would be.

Yes, directly across from our eyeballs.

Yes, and there is nothing there.

And yet I distinctly hear a voice.

What's that?

Skotrick,

do you see whom I spy?

Oh my gosh, I think I see it.

Hi, guys, Dawn.

Hello.

It's

dear Forval.

It's been a while.

It's been.

It's been.

Now, Forval,

it's been quite a while since we've seen you.

It's been a long time, but it's

good to see you guys.

I am paralyzed with fright.

Yes?

Keep calm.

Do the other thing.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to start off by apologizing for stabbing you last time.

Last time you were on the show,

you were a frisky little boy.

I thought I was stabby.

You did get quite stabby.

It's been a long time since then, so.

It's been the worst experience of my life.

Yeah.

It's been

a long time since Jimmy.

Dismissive Jibby Stewart, of course.

Didn't realize he was also dismissive.

Dismissive.

I, Forval,

let me catch the listeners up on what is happening right now.

One of the last times that Lord Weber, Lloyd Lord, Weber.

Lord Lord Lloyd Weber.

Webby.

Got together

a tiny young orphan boy, Hugh.

Hugh Jackman?

No, Hugh, that I'm looking at.

Oh, that I don't even meant to have.

No, he's been to broadcasting school, so

Hugh

came into the studio studio looking for scraps.

Yeah, I was lost.

You were lost, and you were looking for scraps, and then ended up looking for a father.

Lord Lord

was about to

make you my ward,

invite you to my castle, to live in a gilded cage on top of the world.

That's right.

Do you live on top of the world?

Yes, didn't you know?

We've never spoken about what your actual address is.

Yes.

The North Pole?

500, top of the world.

That's right.

If you would like to send me some correspondence, simply address it to Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber, the North Pole.

I remember at one point there was a big court case deciding whether or not you were real.

And someone from the post office came in and dumped

just sacks and sacks of letters to you.

It was such a hassle.

They declared a mistrial.

Of course.

I'm allowed to walk the earth as a real person.

Are they retrying it, though, ever since then?

I hope not.

What do you know?

You should check in on that.

To do some web research.

But Scott, let's start for a second.

Webber research.

Let's not forget we have a stabby orphan in front of us.

Oh, I know.

I totally forgot.

I got so sidetracked.

I'm not going to hurt anybody.

I mean, unless you fucking cook.

This is the problem.

You said you weren't going to hurt us and then you sent a hurt.

I don't know.

Nobody.

I just want love and some food, maybe.

Some scraps.

Like, if you have some flies, I'll eat those.

But

you have to.

Redfelion behavior from Fallo.

Can you still make the webs?

It's been quite a while.

Wait, how long?

Yeah, it's been

since I was a child, I think.

Engineer Frank, did we install the metal detectors in the studio yet?

Ah, no.

Why haven't you done that?

We have this opening.

It's been on your honeydew list forever.

It's been on my honeydew list forever, and we still have not done it.

Look,

I don't want to start this again.

I just want to be truthful this time.

I am carrying.

How many knives are you going to?

Look, he's got a plastic knife.

Got a bandolier full of knives.

A wooden knife?

He's got knives of everyone.

Yeah, a butter knife.

It's actually made of butter.

Oh, my goodness.

Really?

Hardened butter.

Yeah.

My goodness.

That's kind of like.

When you get older, it gets warm.

It's an icicle?

Yeah.

You have an icicle in your bandolier?

Yeah.

It's the perfect murder weapon because

you gave it somebody and then it melted and nobody knows.

Yeah, and then you.

You've also got a leg of lamb in there.

A frozen leg of lamb.

Yeah.

I can't eat it because it's frozen or else I'd be chowed down.

But I just wanted to let you know, I'm always pecking.

I can't help it because I'm from the streets.

For new listeners, yes.

This is a young orphan, Forval.

And why do you call yourself Forval or why do you?

Why it's like five.

We'll put one less.

Oh, right, right, right.

Of course.

Everything?

I forget these things.

My little brother's threeville.

You have family?

Now, wait a minute.

If you've got family, dear boy, why are you running around stabbing people for scraps?

Or they died.

Oh,

you were speaking of him in the present tense, were you?

Because I still carry him with me in

my little heart.

Oh, in your heart.

Oh, I was afraid he was in that bandolier.

I also was afraid.

Wait, parts of him are.

Are they frozen?

No.

Oh, okay.

Just loose meat.

Scraps, in other words.

Is the relatively recent death this threefold suffered a couple days ago yeah and uh might i inquire i say ask trepidatiously what might have been the cause of three vill's demise

we were we were watching a movie and he said he won't go sleeping because you turned down i said are you are you fucking kidding me bro

are you fucking kidding me bro this is

what movie i'm sorry what movie was it something that had to be listened to loudly it was the drow mama from the train okay okay i understand loud train sounds Yeah.

Ding ding ding ding ding.

Adds to the

budget.

That was a good train to him.

It's almost like you're watching it right now.

I thought there was a train coming.

I was going to hop on it.

Oh, that's what you do as an orphan.

Yeah, a little box car.

Can I ask you a question that I'm very, very concerned about?

Of course.

You say there's loose meat of your brother Threeville inside your bandolier.

Yeah.

And loose meat is scraps.

Yeah.

And it's heavily established that you're.

Skull trick.

You're out there looking for scraps.

Skull trick.

Skull trick, you you fuck.

I'm very alarmed at this

conversation.

Are you back questioning?

He is.

I'm just wondering.

Are you about to say what I think you're about to say?

Uh, yes, whatever happened to Jay Davidson.

Oh.

What did happen to Jay Davidson?

Do you know, Forval?

Yeah.

You know what happened to Jay Davidson?

Look on the back of my bandalier.

Oh my god.

Here's Jay Davidson's penis.

This big surprise of the crying game.

Spoiler alert.

No, wait, do you recognize it on site?

Yeah, of course I do.

It's the most famous penis in the world.

You know, that's the fair point.

Why?

How did you get Jay Davidson's penis?

I saw him at the store one day, and I said, hey, you're Jay Davidson, right?

And he said, why?

Why you?

What a voice he had.

Do you remember his melodious voice?

He had a beautiful

Jeffrey Holden.

Could have been the new Darth Vader in the new movies.

He said, you look lonely.

And I said, I need a home to stay.

And he said, you can stay with me.

And I said, let me me see that dick.

And I cut it right off.

But why?

Because I don't want to live with that asshole.

You could have just said no.

Well, I guess I could, but when you're on the streets, man, you got to think quick.

You got to be on your toes, even if they're little orphan toes.

Was this penis exposed in the store?

This is what I'm wondering.

What kind of store is this?

That guy's a little freak, man.

He walks around with his pings out all the time.

What store is this?

That's the only way people recognize him.

Is this some sort of pornography store that you were at, is that?

Yeah, it was at the pornography store.

Lay sex shoppy?

Yeah, a late sex shoppy.

You high-end.

Yeah, sometimes I go in there and steal edible panties to eat.

Oh,

now I feel bad for him again.

Although you claimed immunity.

Pretty much my whole life is making people feel bad for me so that I could live with them.

But so you're aware of it.

I've never heard the word as much as I just know my parents.

You're cognizant.

Yeah, cognizant.

Correct.

Well, that's.

I just, I worry that you're out there searching for scraps, and what you're doing is carving up human beings and then eating them.

I mean, just to lay it out, but I don't know.

If you've never ate a human being, don't slander me like that.

I mean, I keep them just in case, because if it ever gets real bad, I might have to.

But thank God it hasn't gotten to that point yet.

No.

You have yet to taste human flesh.

Yeah, and it's just my brother, parts of my brother, losing me, and James's penis.

That's all I got so far.

So it's not like I'm a math murderer.

Let me ask you this.

If it were to come to that, if you were in some sort of situation where there were no more edible panties to eat,

shut up to think.

What kind of a world would that be?

That's a living nightmare.

What would you eat?

Alternate dimension.

Which would you eat first?

Would you eat your brother Threeville or would you eat Jay Davidson Swang?

I'm not going to lie.

I think I'm going for the brother because

if given the choice, I would like to consume my own brother first.

But wouldn't that be some sort of,

I mean, let let alone the fratricide part of it, but you'd be consuming a member of your own family.

Yeah, but it would be to sustain my own life, so it's like he's helping me, the other guy.

Well, I don't know if you heard, dear boy, but we don't do that anymore.

It simply isn't dumb.

It's just not dumb.

Yeah, we don't eat anyone of the human race, let alone our own family.

Some people do it, I feel like.

Maybe someone in the darkest of Africa.

Yeah.

Let that sit down.

Just let that one ride itself out.

Absolutely.

Of course.

You know, they got the big pot, and they, you know, when Bob Hopen, like the noon time.

When Bob Hopens,

Ben Crosby would go there.

They would roast him in the pot.

Anyway, Dorothy Lamora would be hanging out.

Greg, Bob.

Yeah, you know these movies.

I know that.

I know that.

I'm a big fan of the film and television.

Can you tell us about your brother, Threeville?

What was he like?

Well,

it's been a long time since I talked to him

because he died.

How long has it it been?

Yeah, it's been

about

a couple days now.

So not that long, but in a time when you're in the world.

When you live on the streets, man, each day is like an eternity.

How old are you again?

Me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

But tell us about him.

I mean,

did he have a certain joie de vivre?

He did.

He was French.

Sure, I was.

I was born.

He was born.

Born for the listener's joy of life.

Yes.

So he was born in France, and you were born here.

Yeah, he was my little brother, Three Evil, and we would just scamper around the earth together trying to just make it.

Around the earth!

Yeah, yeah, the whole.

You've trotted the globe.

Yeah, I've been everywhere.

You're some sort of curly

meadowlark lemon.

Right, but who am I thinking of?

Curly Neal.

I thought you met Curly from the Harlem Globe.

I did, yeah.

Okay, good.

What's his name?

Curly.

Curly Neil.

I do doubt my knowledge of the Harlem Globe process.

But But you are instructing me to kneel, as you often do.

Man, I wish you would.

It should be understood.

I know.

I am a lord.

I know, but we don't respect that here in America.

We never should have allowed that to happen.

Yeah.

So now,

you took a trip to Paris then.

Your parents, your parents were still alive.

Yeah, before I stabbed them.

Right.

And you took a trip to Paris to go to Paris-Disneyland, I'm assuming?

Yeah, of course.

Why else would you go to Paris?

It depends what time of the year it is.

It's a seasonal thing.

Yeah.

Every other day in the autumn.

Yeah, yeah.

And every other day it's open.

Every other day it's open.

Is that one of your new songs?

No.

Oh.

What you're talking about?

Song.

Song.

I mean,

you write songs, don't you?

Yes, I certainly do.

Of course.

He's more.

Why would you bring up songs on that?

It was a beautiful melody that you started to sing.

Melody.

Every other day it's open.

Why are you singing?

Yeah, I don't understand.

You liked it before.

Yeah, it's been a while.

I liked it, but you assumed one of my zogs.

So

you would travel the globe together, and what was he like?

I mean, what did he like to do?

He's exactly like me, except a little bit tinier, one less than me.

Sure, sure.

But he had a big thick mustache for a little baby, which was strange.

Sometimes I think he might have been older, and he was a liar.

So when you were alive,

you were one of your...

I'm still alive.

Yes, of course.

I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to imply that you're not, please.

I'm I'm still alive.

Starting with me.

You bit insulting sculpture.

Give me the fucking respect, man.

I'm still.

No, no, disrespect, man.

Fourville.

It was a slip of the tongue.

Yeah.

The tongue would look good with an icicle in it if you don't want to fall.

Please, fall, please.

I don't want you to cut out my tongue and have it reside next to Jay Davidson's penis.

Look, what I meant to say is your very first memory, since your earliest of memories, your brother Threeville was alive.

Yeah.

And so.

My very first memory was my actual birth i was i have a devil you said phenomenal memory my goodness yeah what happened can you describe it yeah

i i

like it it looked like a door opening and then i saw a little doctor man

wait was this in asia or no you were born in the states you said yeah i was born in the states but funny enough it was as pat merita pat merita was your wasn't my my mom's doctor oh doctor ma'am wow did he slap his hands together and rub them together?

He did.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay.

Just to catch me up.

Okay.

I don't understand why this would be confusing, but come on.

I just want to follow it because there's many details, twists, and turns.

As always.

Yours, as always, never a dull bird with four of them.

Of course not.

You claim to remember your actual birth.

You're giving us a first-person account of the birthing process.

It sounds legit to me because all those details that he mentioned sound like what would in an actual movie.

Everything sounds legit until we get to

the deliverer of you.

The Dr.

Man Pat Murito?

Yes.

It's the same Pat Murita from the Karate Kid.

And from Happy Days.

And from Happy Days.

Created by our good friend Gary Marshall.

I think he did a lot of fun.

Not a friend of Jay Leno one.

He gave me tinnitus.

Oh, really?

Speaking of Jay Leno, the tinitis show.

So, yeah, he did that movie with Jay Leno where they were cops.

Yeah,

it's a fine film.

Pat Marie.

What was that called?

I don't remember, but I remember he karate chopped a cop.

She did him?

Of course he did.

She and him?

Was that the name of it?

No, that was the crying game you're thinking of.

Thank you.

Okay.

Yes, I'm thinking of the crying game.

She and him.

Yes.

All right.

So Pat Marie.

So you're on board now.

Pat Marie.

Yeah, I know.

Pause up.

Thank you.

Okay, now that that's out of the way.

Okay, so then was your brother there in the room to greet you when you...

He wasn't, but he was out.

I heard he was down at the gift shop.

Okay.

Well,

there's your answer.

He's definitely not your little brother.

He was already there when you were being.

He's smaller than me, so he's my little brother.

And they named him Frieville because they knew that they would have a baby in the future that wasn't.

Well, he was nameless for a little while, I think, and then they just went for it.

What were your parents' names?

Nancy and Nancy.

Nancy and Nancy, of course, can be a man's name.

So was it two men?

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

Because you cut them up.

Yeah, because they were they don't know how to act sometimes.

Right.

What would be some of their transgressions that were stabbed?

I

d one time they woke me up too early, and that that was the last draw,'cause I don't I don't I'm not a morning person.

You seem to have a lot of issues with either people sleeping or you sleeping.

Any and your sleep cycles in your family are really there's two things I mean, I think this goes for everyone, but there are two things in the world that will get you stabbed and that's waking someone up early and taking someone's french fries

so uh

anytime anyone disturbs your circadian rhythms yeah you're ready to stab

i'm ready to stab at the drop of a hat but mostly if i if somebody wakes me up abruptly sure yeah just cover your neck ma'am protect your neck

sure is that

yeah of course so now when you say taking someone's french fries do you mean you'll stab someone as you take their french fries?

No, no,

I would never take someone's french fries.

That's like I'm not positive, but that might be a federal offense.

Even if the choice between you starving to death or not was stealing someone's french fries or eating your brother Threeville, what would you do?

I would eat my brother.

You would eat your brother before you stole someone's french fries.

My God.

I would eat his loose meat.

That's good because I have some french fries here, and I just, you know, I wanted to make sure sure it was a safe room.

And you don't eat French fries, of course.

They'll never pass my lips.

No, of course, because you're English through and through.

That's right.

I'll never eat a potato in any form.

Potatoes in general?

Is that because

that because of the Irish as well?

Yes.

Okay, the dirty Irish.

Well, now, that's not for you to say.

Okay.

Only for me, the dirty Irish.

But I just, I have some here, and I wanted to make sure everything was cool, and I wasn't going to offend anyone, or I wasn't going to...

No one was going to be.

You know I'm starving.

Sure, but I mean, you know, you're not going to take them, obviously.

No, I would never, because you don't take another man's French fries.

Absurdly.

May I ask Forful?

Please don't be an asshole and chew real loud when you know.

This is just in my normal chew.

I'm sorry that it's loud.

You're both in the wrong.

First of all, you're eating on Mike.

Disgusting.

So what?

Secondly, your language is appalling, Fourfool, as it was before.

Now, let me say this.

Let me ask you this, Fourful.

More specifically.

You could offer too.

You could just be a nice.

I'm sorry, I don't know.

It's a small order.

Please, I picked up a

portion control for me.

I'm a small boy.

I know, but I'm a large boy and I generally have a small boy.

Gentlemen, I beg of you.

This is a very important question.

Scottrick, you'll want me to ask this question.

Please do.

You're taunting me, man.

I feel like.

Let's say someone was the possessor of some French fries.

Yeah.

Frenched fries, as we call them.

Frenching fries.

No, Frenched.

They have been Frenched.

Okay, so.

They've been befrenched.

Four for.

Yeah.

You would never stab someone for their french fries

well no I take it back you would never steal french fries from a living man no you shouldn't do that but

would you take the french fries from a recently stabbed dead man of course oh because they're free on the ground

do you see Skulltrick

maybe I'd better put these fries away I think you should just because

yeah I tell you uh I think we all know my track record is spotty at best I'm just recovering from my wounds.

We never talked about that on the next episode, though.

It was too painful.

Yeah, I mean, we were in a comma for a while.

It's given me P-T-S-D-O-L.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

Our lordships.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

All right, I'm going to put these fries away.

Tell you what, we have to take a little break.

Is that okay, Forval?

I mean, I think it's okay.

Okay.

Breaks, not a stabbing offense.

No, I'm not.

I don't want to stab you guys.

It's actually really good to see you.

Very glad to hear.

Even though, to be honest, I listened to the recording.

You guys kind of treated me like shit.

We were saying some stuff that he couldn't hear.

Talk behind my back.

You're two-faced, kind of, but

I'm here to mend this relationship.

That's why we can't.

We'll mend it.

We'll mend it.

Tell you what, let's take a little break.

When we come back, we'll have more Lord Weber.

We'll have more Forval.

And we'll be...

Get it right, man.

Forval, of course.

Get it right.

Forval.

Thank you.

Okay, we'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Welcome back to the show.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're here with you.

Welcome back to the show.

Comedy Bang Bang.

Yes, thank you, Lord Weber.

It's been a while since we went away.

It's been about two minutes or so.

Yeah, of course.

Well, it's been about that long, yes.

Now, we were in the middle of what I thought was going to be just a kind of dissection of Andrew Lloyd Weber's career.

Yes, retrospective.

Where we started with Jesus Christ, no, I'm sorry, Joseph the Amazing Technical.

Joseph and the Amazing

Technical Dream Good.

How many colors were in that coat of many colors?

Do you remember all those?

Actually, not that many.

Not that many, really?

Not that many.

How many?

In the actual stage production?

Yeah, in the actual coat.

It was two colors.

Really?

Yes,

we didn't have quite the budgets we have now.

And were they just black and white?

Yes.

Oh, no.

But we sang about so many colors we thought we could put one over on the audience and you know it worked

um and i i thought we were just going to be talking to andrew lloyd weber this entire show did i

uh and i'm so sorry we'll get back to that episode of course in a future at a future date but

we are being held captive oh yes that's that's not That's not what's happening, man.

During the break, we tried to exit.

Yeah, why would you do that?

We're not done yet.

I mean, it's just rude.

I was walking down the street, and I heard the beautiful voice, and I thought, this is my time to come apologize.

Maybe this is the problem.

But I shouldn't have you on the show anymore, Andrew Lloyd Weber.

You don't blame me.

Well, I mean, he heard your voice, and all of a sudden, here he is.

He's like, I'm some sort of

stabby orphan lightning rod.

I'm going to be honest.

I was outside when Weirdo Yankovic was here, but I gave the respect to that man.

Oh, okay.

And I didn't come in.

But if you don't hear from Weird Aligan, that's not...

No, I say, wait a minute.

Why does he deserve respect and we don't.

Honestly, because you guys fucking punked me over last time.

I was like,

I think you're bearing the lead.

He just intimated that he has murdered to death Weird Al Yankovic.

What?

What?

What?

He said if we don't hear from him again.

Do you have anything else in that

knapsack of yours?

Have you murdered the Vicar of Yanks?

Or are you going to?

This Hawaiian t-shirt didn't come from.

hawaiian t-shirt made that's just covered in blood oh that's what your knapsack is actually made of is i should have noticed it was a hawaiian pattern scotrick i need to talk to you uh yeah do you mind uh oh no not at all this yeah i'm sure this will end perfectly jesus fucking christ i'll be over here not listening assholes thank you thank you forval

scotvik yes i feel as if forville is just as dangerous as he ever was I had hoped he would be less dangerous.

It seems to me that murder is on his mind today.

I had hoped that he was dead.

He seems to be alive and stabby.

I had hoped that perhaps when he had attacked the vicar of Yanks, that perhaps Alfred had gotten the best of him, and perhaps, you know, I'm sure it would be kind of an equal battle for a little while, but then at the last second, Alfred would have grabbed the knife that had been kicked away and then just stabbed him repeatedly.

Only his name was Dangerous Alfred Yankovic.

Oh,

he really missed the boat on that.

He did, he did.

Yeah.

Well, what do do we do?

I don't know what we.

I suppose it's just a play long for now.

Okay.

I'm ride out the clock.

I'm worried that he's armed and he has so many.

Especially the icicle.

Oh, are you worried that he's armed?

Yes.

What I mean to say is perhaps we could get those weapons away from him.

My dear boy.

Yes.

Do you remember the last time we attempted to do such a thing?

It didn't work out for us.

You remember Knife Crab?

Well, I sort of remember it.

I can't really remember what it stood for.

Nor can I.

Well, can I?

Well, there was.

K.

K.

He's got a knife.

He's got a knife, of course.

And

no, really, he does have a knife.

That's right.

I do hope he does not stab us with that knife he clearly has.

Yes, F.

F.

Forgive me, but this knife that he has is really scaring me.

Yes.

E.

Ear now.

He's got a knife!

Which is, we've established that when you shout, you turn cockney.

Yes, and at that point, I'd certainly be shouting.

Of course.

Then G.

G.

Go blimey.

You're really shouting at this point.

Yes.

Go blimey.

Someone come get this knife away from me.

Someone get this

fucking knife.

Please don't guy Richard.

And then, of course, R.

R.

Really?

Hey, someone go get this fucking knife off of him.

Oh, who's that?

That's you

when you're really, really, really shouting.

Thought Crocodile Dundee had showed up.

Please.

A.

A.

A shame it would be were we to be stabbed by this child's life?

You're not shouting at this point because you have been stabbed and the blood is.

I'm becoming very reflective.

Yes, of course.

My life passing before by, of course.

And then, of course, B.

Boy, oh boy.

I hope we didn't get stabbed anymore.

Here we come, God.

We're about to meet you.

That's correct.

Boy, yeah, that didn't work out for us.

So we.

See, this time.

Yeah.

I wonder if we might come up with a different stratagem

for dealing with restraining him?

Would that work?

I mean, we didn't try that last time.

We just

perhaps

rather than grabbing for the knife, we grab for the little orphan himself.

Orphan grab.

Yes.

Orphan curse.

Now, how remember

the secret code word orphan grab.

Well, we could turn it into a mnemonic device, I suppose.

Oh, I say that's a clever idea.

Okay, well, let's try it out.

So, oh, oh, oh, no,

we've got to get that orphan.

Yes, of course.

Then, are really.

Really?

Lord Weber, please grab the orphan.

Yes.

P.

Phone.

Someone use this phone.

And call someone who is expert at grabbing orphans.

Okay, of course.

H.

Hello.

Are you an orphan who needs grabbing?

I rather think you are.

A.

A.

The font.

So cool.

Surely he would grab an orphan.

Let's emulate his behaviors.

And.

No.

No.

an orphan needs grabbing.

Who will do it?

Us.

G.

Gee, your hair smells terrific.

Won't you consider grabbing an orphan?

R.

Are you going to grab this orphan or not?

A.

A.

Found his back.

Of course, B.

Boy, who needs grabbing that orphan right now.

Of course, okay.

So, if this comes up, if anyone's, if either of us says orphan grab, we're going to grab him.

You'll remember.

And just so we're crystal clear on everything, orphan grab is that code word, and it stands for O.

Oh!

Oh, gosh.

What does orphan grab stand for?

Is that what you're saying?

You have to tell me.

We have to make sure we're both clear on this.

I, of course, remember.

You do.

Of course, I do.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Very close.

oh uh uh uh oh there's an orphan boy we must grab him

that's good enough okay are are really orphans we need to oh gosh this you know what i think this is gonna be too much for me to remember maybe we should just say orphan grab all right i i i do hope we remember okay that code word let's bring him back and see what all right yes uh forville forval hello dear boy come back over here

Put away your coloring book.

Get off your little pony.

I brought my little pony.

Are you a bit of a brony?

I'm sorry.

Are you a bit of a brony?

I am.

I thought you asked me if I was a jabrony.

Oh, no, you were.

No, no, no.

I didn't.

I didn't say that.

No, I didn't.

I was very confused by it.

It seemed foreign coming out of his mouth.

Well, I'm a huge fan of the World Wide Wrestling Federation.

Yeah.

And Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment, as it's known now.

I lived with Vince McMahon for 12 years.

What?

12 years?

How old are you?

Yeah.

Oh.

So,

whatever happened to Vince McMahon then?

Why didn't you just stay with him?

He was a terrible man.

He didn't treat me right.

What were some of the mistreatments you suffered at the hands of Vince McMahon?

Well, I mean, to be honest, you see how he treats those wrestlers, you know.

Oh, that's true.

Everyone's play acting, aren't they?

It's wrestling issues.

Yeah, but it's hard on their bodies.

I mean, not to get on a serious topic or nothing, but those guys really give their entire lives.

But it's free will.

I mean, they choose to do it.

They will.

Free will, the wrestler.

Remember?

He was the orcher-themed wrestler?

Yeah.

The only way you could beat him was if you rubbed his tongue.

That's right.

Can I ask where where where does Vince McMahon's name come from, Lord Weber?

Oh, it's an Irish name.

MacMan?

MacMahon.

So he's a man.

Son of man.

Oh,

like the first man, Adam.

Oh, son of man.

I say, do you think Vince McMahon...

Much like the Antichrist, son of man.

He's Cain or Abel.

Oh, but you don't gotta worry about him no more.

Wait a minute.

Now, what do saying?

I'm fairly certain that he's still killing.

Are you seriously?

You're not.

Do you think that's the same guy?

There's a McMano ganger?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I've killed a lot of people, guys.

A lot of famous people.

Did you kill Pat Merida, by the way?

Yeah.

So you came out of the womb.

What did you grab?

A scalpel?

I came out.

My mom gave birth in the back of a car.

Pat Merita was there.

He just happened to be walking by.

He delivered the baby and I came out and that was it.

I crane-kicked him right in the throat.

Why?

Beating at his own game.

Yeah.

But why?

I hadn't even seen the movie yet because I was just born.

It was just

a thing that just was instinct for you.

Yeah,

a lot of it is.

I pretty much work on instinct alone.

I must ask.

What did you think of the film?

Oh, it's fantastic.

It's fun.

It's been fun.

The second one was a little weird.

And then the one with Hillary Swank really bought me a lot of fun.

Talk about the new one, though, with Jaden.

Oh, I mean, that's the shit.

Reboot.

Yeah.

Don't care for the reboots.

You don't care?

Really?

Well,

no reboots at all.

What if someone were to reboot Phantom of the Opera?

Well, I say, who would do such a thing?

Well, you did

when you created the musical.

No, no, I mean the actual first one.

No, no, no, no, no.

A singing reboot.

Drawing on source material of the classic boots.

Same as a reboot.

How dare you, sir?

You created a sing boot, sir.

What's your idea?

I have created no such sing boot, sir.

What if there were boots that could sing?

That kind of gives me a little too beauty in the beast, isn't it?

Booty in the beast.

I think there was singing boots in who framed Roger Rabbit.

Yeah, I think there actually was.

Well, he was screaming for his life.

Yeah.

Well,

he put him in the dip.

So I have a very weird, vast knowledge of obscure things.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you've been around for a while, I guess.

Yeah, why don't you grow?

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

Four, four, five.

Why don't I fucking grow?

Why don't you offer French fries like a gentleman?

Look, I put them away.

That's the very least I could do.

Yeah.

Put them in your Freivolt.

Speaking of Freivolt, do you have a brother, Freivolt?

Yeah.

Really?

My oldest.

I just was hazarding a guess, but.

He's my oldest younger brother.

Scott Frick.

So Freivolt is your oldest younger.

Is Freivold still with us?

Yeah.

Oh,

why don't you live with him?

What?

Why?

Why?

Because he don't have a home neither.

Oh, so he's going to perish just from the conditions out on the streets?

Yeah,

he's got the gout.

Oh, no.

How did he come to get the gout at such a tender age?

I think from eating too much salt.

Oh, okay.

That'll do it.

Does he have scurvy as well?

Yeah.

Oh.

That vitamin deficiency.

Why don't you feed him some limes?

I don't have no limes.

I got nothing.

All I got is the shirt on my back and this bandolier full of insane weapons.

Yeah, and of course Jay Davidson's.

And Jay Davidson's.

Oh, that's right.

Jay Davidson's.

And the loose scraps of your little brother.

Yeah.

Well, that's too bad for Freivold.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to meet him someday.

Well, I don't know if you would, because.

Really?

Yeah,

he's got a worse temper than I do.

I say, is he close by?

I think he might be.

Well, why would we summon him up, Bob?

Is he not a fan of Lord Weber here?

Scott, forgot a question, of course he is.

I don't know how to tell you this, Andrew.

What?

He's not a fan.

What?

Is he actively staying away because of Lord Weber's presence?

He's all about Sondheim.

Sondheim has ever dropped a chandelier on any sage!

How did he get his name?

Sondheim?

Yes.

The Heimer of Sons.

Oh, of course.

Right there in the days.

Writer of songs, Heimer of Sons.

Indeed.

Yes.

Well,

so he would not want to come in, is that what you're saying?

I mean, he follows me around sometimes, so

we can have each other's back in a literal sense, but if he shows up, it's not my fault.

Okay, yeah.

You know, I'm just saying.

You're saying he has a worse temper than yours.

Much worse.

Yeah, much, much worse.

What would he make of my Fry Vault?

Well, he would get confused, I think, at first, because that's his name.

Because I'd say, this is my Fry Vault, and he would say, I'm not your Fry Vault.

Because that's what he sounds like.

That's what he sounds like.

Yeah.

It's the same confusion I suffer around many grills.

He sounds a lot like Jay Davidson.

He does.

Even the Foreman Grill?

Well, the Foreman Grill, I just don't understand.

How do they get the fat out?

Well, it drips down into the fat catcher.

That's why I said an angle.

Well, thank you.

Now the mystery solved.

I just want to bet with Sarah Brightman.

You're still on good terms with Sarah Brightman.

Listen, look, we're on betting terms.

Oh, I see.

About grills.

So really, anytime a grill-themed bet comes up, you'll call Sarah Brightman.

Other than that, we do not speak.

Okay.

Well, well uh I hope he doesn't come because he sounds dangerous I will say I'll let people go what record is saying the last thing I want to happen on this earth is for this frivolous to show up in this studio it truly is because he will he will gut you in it'll be a day of reckoning yeah

good news that he won't be here I do he won't don't forget um well we have to take a break here in a second but um I do want to say orphan grab

him

I got him I got him so

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Boy, sticker shock, huh?

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about prices.

They're going up, up, up, up, up.

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comedy bang bang

it was tough.

That was a rough go.

It was a rough go.

This is some bullshit.

The way you treat me.

No, quiet me.

Quiet over that.

Quiet, Forville.

The way you treat me.

We got him, and we were

strained.

Thank God that I brought these handcuffs and these heavy, strong ropes here into the studio.

We have him.

A lucky coincidence.

We have Forville tied to a chair here.

And they're little tiny handcuffs, which really came in handy.

They're rather charming.

Yeah, they are.

They're Barbie handcuffs.

I'm pissed off, but they are adorable.

I'm glad that you can recognize that.

Why would they make Barbie handcuffs?

Well, Barbie's into some weird shit.

Yeah, man.

With Ken.

Yeah.

Shame for the children.

Ken Burns, I mean.

Most certainly, the documentarian.

Yes, of course.

Ken Burns fucks Barbies.

Have we ever talked about that on the show?

Off Mike.

Okay, of course.

So, thank goodness, but we have Forville restrained.

I feel much better.

You shan't have to worry that we're going to be stabbed.

We've taken away

his bandolier full of things, and we have the icicle.

We put it up in the fry vault.

We locked it up in the fry vault, of course.

Put it in my brother.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, this is the word.

Oh, that's why, yeah.

My French fry vault, where I keep all my fries.

Yeah.

We put the icicle in the fry vault, which keeps the fries warm, so hopefully it'll melt down.

So,

Forval, I guess the shoe's on the other foot here, huh?

Yes.

Yeah.

Now you are at our mercy.

For the first time, I came here to apologize, and you guys treat me like this, but I'm not going to say I get it.

I truly get it.

Yes, you did a shabby job of apologizing.

I don't, I know.

The very first words out of your mouth were, I don't want to stab you, but.

Yeah.

That's a terrible way to begin an apology to you.

I was being honest.

Well, I guess we do commend you for your honesty.

Thank you for your candor.

Every good boy deserves faj.

Yeah.

That's right.

That was part of knife grab, as I recall.

Yeah.

Never mind.

So

now that we have you at our mercy, we can ask you some questions, and you have to answer them honestly, or else we, you know, we have some telephone folks here, and we, you know,

sack full of oranges, you know, for us open a sock, I see.

Yeah, so code red.

Yes, Mountain Dew code red.

Of course.

We'll force you to drink it.

You guys are the terrorists.

Well, sorry, just not the code red.

So

here we go.

Forville, you got to answer our questions, or else you are in for it.

That's right.

It's been a long time coming.

All right, so

Forval, first off, we want to ask, how old are you?

Yeah.

How old are you?

Yeah.

You must answer.

Right now?

Uh-huh.

I'm six years old.

I feel as if he's lying.

I knew even if he wasn't, I was going to hit him anyway.

He stabbed us almost to death.

That is true.

You know, I mean, this feels good.

If I get out of here, you don't even fucking understand what's gonna happen to you.

Oh, yeah, you're not getting out of here.

He joins me on people.

Oh, yeah.

You think you're toe tough right now?

I do think I'm

not.

You like that?

I stand on the awful thing.

Actually, I don't really enjoy it.

No, I don't.

It's kind of rhetorical, though.

I think it's not.

No, I was sincerely asking.

Oh, you were.

There's all you'd have.

No, it's not fun to be here with a telephone board.

I just noted.

Stop it!

You're hurting me.

Getting more fun or less fun.

Less fun.

Thank you for taking my survey.

I just have two more questions.

Ow!

Stop it!

All right.

You're beating a child.

A stabby child.

Are you a child?

You're beating a little orphan.

Are you a little orphan?

Because I, frankly, have my suspicions.

As do I.

You've claimed that you lived with Vince McMahon.

I've lived with a bunch of people.

For 12 years.

How can you be six years old?

Like I said, on the streets, time gets long, so I don't understand time.

Oh, God.

That was the...

stop that.

The first one was just to lure you into a sense of security.

Yeah, that was crazy.

Do you have a sense of security?

I know.

Ouch!

Stop it!

There's

four of them.

That one didn't hurt much, but.

Oh, okay.

I'm so sorry.

Give me another one.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, dear.

Let me get my phone book out.

Okay.

I'll try to.

Why did you put it back down?

Well, I thought I was done with this.

You're not a very good Foley artist.

Here we go.

Ouch!

Stop it.

Double.

Yeah.

You had that comment.

Both of them.

What were you going to ask, Lord Weber?

Four of them.

I could take this, by the way.

Really?

You've been tortured before?

Of course I've been tortured before.

Who's tortured you before?

I don't want to.

Name five names.

Bruce Willis.

Jessica Tandy.

Of course, she was great at it.

Kathy Bates.

This guy, Tom.

Oh, yeah, he's not famous.

Wait, Tom Cruise?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

He's rather famous.

Kelly McGillis.

Kelly McGillis.

I'm a witness.

From Top Gun, I say.

Yeah.

Oh, that one was just extra.

Why did you do that?

You gave us the name of the game.

You just don't like Kelly McGillis.

No, I don't.

Yeah.

Forval.

This is torture.

You're two grown men torturing a small ill orphan.

You stabbed us unto death, dear boy.

That's true.

You're a dangerous creature.

And I say creature purposefully.

Because I feel as if there's something about you.

That's not quite natural.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that he's some sort of supernatural creature?

Yes.

Akin to something Gary Marshall would chase in his off hours?

Exactly.

I dare say, that demented old monster hunter.

So,

is that true, Forval?

Are you not of this earth?

I might not be, no.

You might not be of this earth.

Why?

Why have you come here to stab human beings?

I'm a time Bobby.

What?

I'm a time bobby.

I know.

Wait a minute.

I don't know how to tell you this, Scott, but.

Are you an IA of Time Bobby?

Yeah.

Internal Affairs?

Yeah.

A time-traveling Serpico?

Yeah.

What have I done wrong?

Everything.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

This doesn't look good, Scottrick.

If you're just listening to this for the first time,

last time Google was on the show,

last time I was on the show, we established that I'm a time Bobby, hopping throughout time,

taking care of

wayward time travelers.

Yeah, you screwed up everything.

The buttercream effect.

Yeah.

How did I screw it up?

I'm trying to take care of everything.

I don't know how to tell you this, but have you ever seen a baby picture of yourself?

I mean, let me search back using the science of memory.

Certainly.

Search back through the recesses of my mind.

Wait a minute.

No, I have not.

What?

Yes, maybe everyone's seen a baby picture of themselves.

Well, I think my parents never

took pictures of me when I was young.

Is that possible?

Or maybe they were destroyed for a reason.

What?

What reason could that be?

What reason?

No!

I don't know how to tell you this, but you are beating yourself.

What?

Scoffing!

Wait a minute, bruises are appearing on my body.

Look what you've got here.

Scott, you're looping.

You're looping, Scorffrig.

Oh, ow, God, I'm in such pain.

How do you take this?

Because I'm strong.

I can, Scott.

Because I'm you.

You were me as a child?

Yeah, this.

I know it sounds crazy, like this took an insane turn.

And it doesn't even seem to add up with all the information that we have previously.

Well, but that all could have been a lie.

It's the buttercream effect, man.

You screwed everything up by going back in time.

Why are you trying to kill me to death then?

If you...

I'm just trying to hang out and be cool and live with you.

You offered me a home.

You said you would be my dad.

And then you took that away from me.

So I stabbed the fucking shit out of you to prove a point.

The reason I took it away is because you kept threatening to stab everyone.

But I can't help it.

I'm stabbed.

Actions have consequences.

It is like the buttercream effect.

All the candies you eat in one time.

Or what happened?

And future candies.

Also, you know, actions have consequences as we saw on Downtown Abbey.

Oh, well.

Oh, God.

I know.

I'm just saying that the servants, you know, they get into these scrapes and they, you know, and it affects the people upstairs.

I do it in the midst of a strange science fictional supernatural situation.

Sure.

But still, it's Downton.

Downtown Abbey, yes.

I don't know what the hell is going on.

I'm now praying.

You should get stabbed by yourself.

It's my favorite show when they are there at Downtown and they're trying to save downtown.

And all the people live at downtown.

Ah.

And they go downtown.

I don't.

So, why am I not stabby?

Why have I grown up into the the way I am?

Are you saying it gets better?

It gets better, Scott.

Oh, okay.

So, Scottrick, if we uh allow Forval to flourish, to live, perhaps to find love, he'll grow up into a fine young man like you.

All I need to do is find a good home, and then I grow up to be an amazing podcast.

Well, what about my home where I where I grew up?

And which is also my home.

My childhood home.

Wait a minute, but you don't remember that.

You murdered my parents?

I always wondered how my parents died.

No, you murdered your parents.

Oh my god, I did.

I do remember, Scott.

Oh, my God.

I'm remembering it now.

I'm remembering everything.

The cab, Pat Merida, the roundhouse kick that dislocated his head.

Oh, and then everything after the first day.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

My life.

Becoming a time bobby in internal affairs.

Trying to catch myself.

Closing the loop, as it were.

Stabbing myself.

You looped yourself.

Oh, no.

I didn't even get the gold bars.

Oh.

What is that?

I remember it all.

So many choices I made.

So many choices.

My little brother?

Yeah.

And Sixel.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, not Sixel.

Quite a family.

What happened to him?

There's hundreds of ties.

Oh, hundreds?

And Freivalt.

Oh, my God.

What are the best?

The bad seed, the black sheep.

When you say hundreds, are we talking about alternate dimensions?

Yeah.

What?

But they're all converging here in this dimension.

Yeah.

Wait, so are you, me, from an alternate dimension?

Uh-huh.

I see, but now that you're here, I'm remembering your past as if it's my past.

Yeah, because you screwed everything up.

Oh, no.

We were both in crisscross for a period of time as well.

The two of of us?

Yeah.

You as a young boy and me as an older boy.

We were totally whacked out getting older ladies.

That is familiar.

I do recall now.

I remember that most of you.

That was a good three weeks that we were famous.

You made me jump.

Solid three weeks.

Yeah, I mean, for 21 days.

A good 21 days.

A lot happened.

Really tight.

Really good stuff.

A lot of jumping.

Too much jumping.

Yeah, my arches.

Too jumping.

A great deal.

No.

Ah, my God.

I remember everything and all my family.

And boy, wait a minute.

I remember what happened to the Fry vault here.

What?

What happened?

Well, I remember.

It's been a while ago.

It's been as many years.

How long?

It's been as many years as Forville is of age minus however old I am, which I don't even know how old I am anymore.

It seems as if I've been alive forever.

I remember

the dinosaurs.

I remember the

television show.

Yeah, the television show dinosaurs.

So how long have I been alive?

A long time.

It's not how long have you been alive.

The real question is, how long haven't you been alive?

Oh, my God.

I see.

I'm sorry for asking that other stupid question.

Yeah.

You realize you beat me with a phone book for no reason now, right?

Well, I have to say that.

Well, now, to be fair,

we have arrived at this information.

Yeah.

So it's out there.

So torture works.

We've proven it.

Yeah, it does.

I'm trying to remember what happened to the Fryvall.

I think I'll remember at some point, and then I'll.

But I say Fauval.

All of these

trans-dimensional forvals, Fivals, Sixels, what have you.

So many.

Why are they converging on this dimension?

Because it's time.

Time for?

I've.

Scott Rick.

There's a lap at my throat as I attempt to ask this question, but I fear,

my dear boy, as I am to have feared.

Time for

what forval?

The little reckoning.

Oh, dear.

The little reckoning.

Yeah.

A little reckoning?

L-I-A-S-P-L?

Yeah, Lil.

Let me get this straight.

Like Lil Kim.

Oh, okay, right.

That makes sense.

No, you get.

Yeah.

So you are the Forval of this dimension.

Yeah.

The...

No, sorry, you're the Fival.

No, you're the Fourville.

Right, yes.

I'm sorry.

Fival.

I'm getting very confused.

There's no Fival in my family.

There's only the famous Five-O from.

the family.

Oh, okay.

So that's not a Fival from another family.

You're not related to him.

He's a fucking cartoon rat.

Oh, okay, so sorry.

I just assumed there was another

alternate

terrible wave.

There's an alternate dimension where instead of humans, the world is anthropomorphic rats.

Yeah.

And Fival

is your doppelganger.

How do you come to know so much about these ultimate dimensions?

But what I'm trying to get at is that

the you from all these other dimensions are now being called to this earth and it's time for the little reckoning yeah because it's time to set things straight what i really came here to do scott was to apologize and to give you your life back because you're doing so well and i want you to thrive even though i had a bad childhood because of all the terribleness and all the stabbings and killings I realize now that what I've done is bad.

So I came here to stop it and to let you go free of all this and correct all the wrongdoings.

But you've decided to tie me up like a little fucking bitch and hit me with a phone book.

Can I say that your monologue was very affecting until that last sentence?

When I started to get real, when I started to curse, I was welling up with tears.

I was going to have to grab my tear basin.

Oh, yeah.

No need for it now.

I felt it was getting a bit dusty.

What I'm saying is, you deserve the best because you're a good man and you're true.

Scottrick, your tears falling into your tear basins.

Falling into your tear basin.

I'm sorry.

You have a beautiful life and a beautiful wife.

And the only thing I want.

Happy wife, happy life.

Yeah.

You created that term.

You don't even remember it.

Happy wife.

It's in different dimensions.

Happy wife.

Happy life.

High five.

That was not the time.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm willing to come here and take this torture and maybe even die by your hands/slash my own hands.

If I kill you, though, what happens to me?

Oh, I say better dogs.

You'll disappear.

Well, you'll go to a dance and you'll play a Johnny B.

Good song and then maybe.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, it's really fun.

Song by Johnny B.

Good.

Will Marvin Berry be off to the side?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Okay, calling his cousin Chuck.

Mayor Goldie Wilson might be driving around.

I bet he would.

What about

that guy with the 3D glasses?

Will he be a...

Oh, no, that guy's dead.

Oh.

What happened to him?

He died.

He died in 1956.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Rest in peace.

Terrible story.

Well.

What I'm trying to say is I'm willing to come here to apologize and give my own life so that you can live on and have a fruitful career.

Okay, great.

Well, let's get that icicle out of the Freivalt and let's kill.

Let's carve him up.

What do you say?

Wait, whoo.

Yo, what's going on?

I remember now!

Yo, it's Freivalt.

Freivalt!

Freivold!

Yeah.

I remember He comes in,

and then we say, Hey, have you seen my Freivalt?

And then he gets confused,

and he doesn't, he thinks that she's.

So what you got to say to me?

Ah,

Freivalt.

Yeah.

Wait, I'm confused.

Yes, I'm pointing at my Freival.

That's why you're confused about it.

I did not know if you were talking to me or if you were pointing at me.

I'm pointing at my Freival right now.

I'm saying Freivault.

Freivalt,

your brother, or your, I guess, your interdimensional

other self's icicle is contained within.

And that is a statement.

Freivalt, your interdimensional

brother's icicle is contained within.

Okay.

Here's a statement.

Boyvo, is everything okay over here?

I don't know.

I don't think it's going okay.

I don't like that.

Yo, are you Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Who wants to know?

I do, because I'm asking of Freivalt.

Do I be Steven Sondheim?

Yes, the great Steven Sondheim.

Certainly.

I'm not afraid of the family.

I'm a huge fan.

I'm a huge fan.

Thank you.

It's good to meet a fellow American.

You hear his American accent, too.

I'm from New York.

New York City.

That's right.

I don't like that barbecue sauce.

Yeah.

So what an honor to meet you.

This is an honor, man.

I was ready to kill people.

Good, good.

I was ready to kill a bunch of people.

If you were Andrew Lloyd Weber, I swear to God, I would have cut your own throat out.

I wouldn't blame you.

Who likes that fellow?

This terrible music.

Stephen, tell us about the creation of Sweeney Todd, if you would.

Oh, my God, that would be a dream.

That was quite easy, really.

That's Andrew Lloyd Webber.

He's lying.

What the hell did you say?

Freival.

That's Andrew Lloyd Webber.

He's a liar.

Freyvault, Freyvault, Freivalt.

Please don't listen here for a second.

We're going to have a private conversation.

Oh, so just don't listen for a minute.

Okay.

I'll be over here for a sec.

Okay, sure.

Sandhai, man.

Fucking good to meet you, bro.

It's Fucking great to meet you, son.

Let's go off on the corner for a second.

I want to talk to you.

I'm going to sit on top of this Frey Vault.

Don't get confused.

Okay.

Okay.

Forval.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

I'm afraid of him, too, guys.

You got to get me in on this one.

We need a code word if anything goes wrong.

Good point.

Okay, well, I suggest a code word, possibly Freyvault grab.

Yeah, I think that's perfect.

I don't know if that's maybe a shorter one.

Well, I was going to go longer.

Okay, got that.

What did you have in mind?

Interdimensional.

I'm in no position.

Interdimensional forval grab.

Yeah.

I guess we're going to try.

No, it should be.

No, don't grab me again.

I'm not doing shit.

No, no, no, no.

You're regular for Fry Vault Grab.

Yeah, you're

from our.

Because if it's Fry Vault Grab, we might grab the Fry Vault.

You're right.

Of course.

So if we say, if we make the code word interdimensional Fry Vault Grab, we'll know exactly what to do.

Yeah, and no one will be confused.

I fear we may forget this code word.

what shall we do to remember it?

I have one idea.

Okay.

As I'm open to suggestions.

Wait, I have two ideas, actually.

No, just the one.

All right.

I think that we could make a mnemonic device out of this.

No, I see.

That's a brilliant idea.

That's quite good, yes.

Okay, well, Forval, perhaps you have some idea of what the I could stand for.

Yes, we'll go round Robin.

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

Could you untie me first?

No.

Oh, no.

I get it.

Don't bother.

Is it difficult for you to remember?

I'm sorry that I brought all this upon you, my brother Freivalt, who is also your brother and you.

Right.

That's not too hard to remember.

No, no.

Wait, are you talking about my Freivault?

Well, the fry of the interdimensional fry.

I'm a little confused right now.

Oh, I thought you were talking about my Freivault that was in which I keep my fries.

Let's try to keep the term and the proper name Freivault out of the mnemonic device.

Well, it is a proper name as a term as well, because it's a constant.

It's a brand name.

Yeah, it's a brand name, of course.

It's much like Kleenex.

Yeah.

It's the thing that's come to mean any sort of vault wherein people store fries.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

And some microwaves.

Yes, certainly.

So.

I'm sorry for the I.

I'm sorry that this is about to go down.

Certainly.

Very simple.

I'll take the N.

Nay, it is I who should be sorry for inviting such a plague upon this studio with my brilliance that you admired in the first place.

N, of course.

I just did N.

Sorry, what am I thinking of?

T.

This is already too hard for me to remember, and we're only three in.

T, try to remember that T is the next part of interdimensional forval scrap.

Perfect.

Perfect.

E, right, Craig?

I believe so.

I don't see you good because I never went to school.

Oh,

I went to school.

Orphan boy.

I went to school, though.

Please.

Paradox.

Go ahead.

Oh, wait a minute.

I have a picture of my yearbook here.

It's disappearing.

That's right.

Of course it is.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I never went to school.

Now I'm not not so good.

No wonder I messed up the T for the end.

I gotta go to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and correct all that at some point.

I hate dances.

All right, go ahead.

He is for erasing all of the badness and getting back some goodness in our lives.

Okay, great.

Ah.

Rage, rage against this interdimensional menace who is attempting to kill us.

Do I have a hyphen or do I have a D?

A D.

Okay, great.

Domo erigato, Mr.

Robato.

Perfect, perfect.

I was going to suggest that.

Perfect.

Okay, great.

All right.

I?

I'm sorry once again for doing it.

I'm welling up again.

I never meant to hurt you, and your tear basin is almost full.

I just want a good home for everyone.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so

touched.

All right, where are we?

M to me.

May I say?

I think we should do something about this murderous interdimensional traveler.

Okay, good.

And I believe I have an E.

Is that correct?

Is that how you spell dime engineer?

Yes, it's E.

Okay.

Every good boy loves fudge.

And deserves it.

And yes, it's.

Every good boy loves and deserves it.

And deserves fudge.

Okay, let's amend that.

All right.

Do I have this amendment approved?

Yes.

We need a quorum.

The motion is carried.

Carried.

Fantastic.

All right.

Now we're at N.

Yes.

Yeah.

Never let this happen again if you ever go back in time.

Okay.

Never let it happen again.

I will remember that.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for remembering.

I believe we're at S.

S.

I'm a snake reminding you that the time is now to prevent yourselves from being stabbed.

Very good, very good.

All right.

I just want to say I'm sorry, guys.

I know that Forval, you're apologizing, and I feel like I need to apologize because

I never realized.

You know, I think sometimes we get mad at things that remind us of ourselves and our own humanity, and I think that's yes.

I say, this seems like rather a lot to remember.

Okay, I'll just amend it to I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Is the amendment taken?

I ratify it.

We already have a couple.

I'm sorry.

Easy to remember.

Maybe we should change it to it's been.

Oh, okay.

It's been.

Great.

Is that amendment ratified?

Is that all?

So noted.

Okay.

What letter are we on now?

Oh.

Oh, boy, I'm sorry.

I think we are all.

Oh, boy, it's been.

We could always use a couple it's been.

I'm fine with that.

N is next, I believe.

Yes.

N.

The letter N.

Very good.

Okay.

Is it interdimensional or interdimensional?

I can't remember.

Interdimensional.

Interdimensional.

Thriveled grab.

Okay, so sorry.

All right.

We got so far to go.

All right.

A is, of course, A.

Fonzie came back a second time.

Of course.

Not about you soon.

No.

All right, L.

L for.

Let's just.

Let's just kill this fucker before he does anything.

He is sitting in the corner.

We could just kill him.

He can't.

He.

We need a code word, though, to do that.

You got it.

Alright, so we're at the end of interdimensional.

Yes, kidding.

Well, that's what he's here for.

He's a time bobby.

He's here to point out the

inconsistencies in the timeline.

It's all paradoxical, but in the end, we all had fun.

If

finally, it is the time to grab this interdimensional scoundrel and wring his neck unto death.

All right.

R,

really, we should grab this scoundrel and we should do it now.

All right.

Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry.

The brand name, fryball.

Yeah, I was thinking fries.

Like, there was multiple katay katas.

There's a ton in there.

There's, I mean, there, I had a small fries, but there's a ton of fries in there.

I mean, it's a child.

You lied to me.

We'll get back to that later.

No, I had a small fry, meaning that the bag that the fries were carried within was a small bag.

It's not a lie to me.

We're on the same team now, so I'm okay with that.

Even if I did lie to you, I'm gonna admit I did lie to you.

Yeah, I was always honest with you.

I never lied to you.

I did lie to you, but you can't do anything about it because you're lied to yourself, Scott.

I did lie to myself, and I've been doing that for so many years.

It's easier to live life that way.

The easiest lie to tell is a lie to oneself.

So true, so true.

Where were we?

Why?

Why?

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, son?

Maybe Maybe the app.

Okay,

definitely that.

Cash here.

Yeah.

The victory shall be ours once this interdimensional person has been dealt with and we can carry on with our lives the way God intended.

A, of course, is for A.

Fonzie came back one last time.

He's got he's going to save the world someday.

He will.

You.

Ursula, the sea witch from the little mermaid, another reference.

Not to be confused with the enchantment under the sea dance.

No, two different things.

Two totally different things.

I'm going to say, Ursula, if we had the octopus lady to kill this man, we would be in a lot better situation.

We would definitely be V Victorious.

However, we're just three men.

Just three men and a baby.

Sure.

We should talk about the baby who came in at some point.

Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout.

Everyone's William Shett.

Of course.

L.

L to be.

Hmm.

La la la la la la.

Let's grab that interdimensional scoundrel.

I wondered when this would turn into music.

Yes, it took its time.

It really is.

Just then.

Just then.

We probably should have started with a song.

Those are very easy to remember.

Those are.

Oh, yeah.

Why did we think the mnemonic device part was.

Well, you can't argue with success.

You should have started with like a Jesus Christ superstar song.

Yeah.

Oh, probably.

I guess we're at the end, right?

We're at T?

Yes.

All right.

T.

T, of course.

We still have grab after that.

Oh, no, we do.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

So sorry.

Indeed.

Okay, so.

Make a little volvo.

That was a close one.

We would have forgotten this demonic device.

I think I never would have gotten it straight.

T stands for tendencies.

We all have them, and ours is to grab this interdimensional Freivalult.

Gee.

Gosh, we've been doing this for a while.

We gotta get an easy way.

Of course, of course.

Ah.

Ah.

Ding, ding, ding.

Great.

I'm afraid people are going to think there's a D in there somewhere.

Because of the ding.

Indeed.

And then mine is, of course, A for

A!

Fonzie came back.

We thought he was done.

But he's actually gone last season.

Yes.

Forgot Grab was in here and he decided to come back and save the world one last week.

Which leaves us now with B.

Yeah, which I think should stand for brotherhood.

Because now we are bonded together as three against one.

I feel like we should do

that sentiment.

I feel like we should do some sort of blood brotherhood between us.

Yeah.

You know, so why don't I open up the fry vault and get one of the knives out?

I got a bunch of knives in my

why don't uh let me just open it up here and uh

it worked the county's dumb motherfuckers get me out there I'm out.

I was a spy the whole time.

What?

I'm going to stab the shit out of you, you motherfuckers.

K-Media!

Fuck your handcuffs.

Fucking apologize.

Sons of bitches.

They're in cahoots.

I'm going to kill you.

You guys don't understand.

You ain't Sondheim.

I'm no Sandheimer any day.

You ain't no fucking Sandheim, man.

You never be one.

You never shall be one.

Here come the Corgis.

That's what you get, motherfucker.

Ah!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

If I die, what becomes of you?

Scott, only you can correct this.

I have to go back in time now.

Let me get my interdimensional time watch.

Okay, I'm back.

I went back through time.

Wait, where did Freivolt go?

He disappeared.

I killed every other version of myself.

Scott.

You did it, Scott.

You did it every day.

Everyone but you.

But it worked.

I came here to help you.

Fool, no one's buying your story.

You never could have done this without me.

You're a terrible monster, and everyone knows it.

Andrew,

Webby, you're killing me over here.

Andrew Lloyd Weber,

he got rid of, or he got loose of the handcuffs.

If you would.

They were very tiny plastic handcuffs.

They were super easy to get out of.

If you would do the honors of webbing him up for me.

Well, it's been a while, but I'll give you a bunch of people.

How long has it been?

It's been since I was a child, but I'm sure the old skills will come back to me.

Here we go.

Please web him up, if you would.

Oh,

no.

Well, you know what?

I deserve this, and I don't care.

Okay, that's enough, web, man.

But I'm all tired of the colour.

I'm going to leave you room to breathe.

Just stab through the webs, Lord Weber.

I left his face uncovered.

Okay, I'll just cut up his face.

It's a bit grizzly, but you can stab through the face.

Well, I did want an open coffin for his mother.

My mother.

Oh, no, she did.

Oh, that's right.

Never mind.

So it doesn't matter.

Okay, I'll just

stab you in the face.

Look, guys, in summation, I just want to say,

I know that our friendship has been a torrid affair.

And I know that.

There's some ups and downs.

Mostly downs.

Mostly down.

A lot of downs.

Threats of violence.

Much like downtown Abbey.

Oh, shit.

He hates that.

I think you do that on purpose sometimes.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Well, that can't be true.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

I just want to say, I know that I've been a bad, bad boy for so long.

Yeah.

But I did it for you, Scott, because I am you.

I'm still going to stab you.

I'm still going to stab you.

No, I get it.

I'm doing fine with you.

Let me grab the icicle that's been in the fry vault for a while, and I'll just stab you to death.

I got it.

I hope it hasn't melted.

Look, I understand.

I know.

I know.

Here we go.

Here's the icicle.

Say, have you made your peace with God?

I have no regrets.

I came and I helped, and I'm going to die happy.

And this is probably the last episode of the podcast because I'll be stabbing myself to death.

Yes, and I won't exist anymore.

Stamps a reason, yes.

Okay, so here we go.

Here's that icicle and

what?

It's just water.

It's just water.

It melted in my fry vault.

Those are cursed fries.

That's why I never eat them.

They're not helpful.

Well,

I guess I can't stab you with that icicle.

Yeah, you you can't.

But we can take you all webbed up and cast you into the Los Angeles River.

And drown you to death.

But I would deserve it, I know.

Yeah.

I mean, really, if we do that, there's no way he could ever come back.

No.

No, he wouldn't.

He's going to be at the bottom of the sea.

And your webs don't dissolve after an hour like Spider-Man's.

Spider-Man, sorry.

I don't think so.

I've never tested it.

Okay, well, it takes about an hour to get to the river.

Correct.

So we'll probably just, he'll be, you know, in the trunk, all webbed up.

And by the time we get to the river,

I imagine the web will hold just as long as we need it to hold.

Until we get to the river.

Yes, certainly.

Or I could turn the tables right now.

No.

You shan't.

I mean,

the tables have turned, is what I'm trying to say.

Well, how you're all webbed up.

It's impossible.

Nobody beats Forvo ever because I'm from the streets and I'm smarter than everybody.

I don't understand what you mean.

You're webbed up, you're incapacitated.

Am I webbed up?

I say,

he doesn't seem to be webbed up.

I can't help it.

It's my stabby way.

I'm turning into scraps.

Until we meet again.

Come on, pony.

I'm slipping into a comma.

At the very end,

he slipped in a bit of the crying game at that.

He did.

Expert work.

Adam Pally here.

And I'm John Gabris.

We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 100 One Places to Party Before You Die.

Now, we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O'Connell, ketamine therapist Dr.

Steven Radowitz, Paul Scheer, Ego Wodem, Jillian Bell, Dr.

Doolittle.

Staying Alive with John Gabris and Adam Pally is out right now.

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