Bonus Bang: Time Bobby (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

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While it drives us to create what could be,

that world can't wait to see what you'll do.

Where will your wonder take you?

And what will it make you?

The University of Arizona.

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Start your journey at wonder.arizona.edu.

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Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang.

Bonus bangs being, of course, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall.

And this is a very exciting series we're about to embark upon because we are, for the next four weeks, going to be featuring the iconic Time Bobby episodes.

That's right, Time Bobby.

This started as

but a mere episode that we recorded and thought people would like.

The first one turned out to be one of the most favorite episodes of the year that year, and we followed it up with several sequels.

So this week, we're releasing the first Time Bobby episode.

This was released March 26th, 2012, as episode 150.

And it features Paul F.

Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber and Bobby Moynihan from SNL as the stab happy orphan forval.

This was voted as the best episode of 2012 in the best ofs of that year.

So, hey, I think you're in for a good one.

If you enjoyed this and you want to hear more episodes featuring Paul F.

Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes that you can't find anywhere else, plus every single live show.

All of this ad-free, new new episodes ad-free, bonus shows like CBB Presents, Scott hasn't seen.

Um, we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Comedy bang mine,

comedy bang mine, comedy bang mine,

I wish I had more tie-dye t-shirts.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you so much for that catchphrase submission, Charlie Craft.

And yeah, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

We're back.

I'm back from my travels.

This is, by the way, if you have never heard the show before, my name is

Hot Saucerman.

And I'm back.

I'm back from South by Southwest.

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to see us at South by Southwest, to see the shows.

Had some great shows.

You heard the one that we put out last week.

And then, you know, thanks for coming out to all the other ones, the stand-up shows and the that weird IFC show that we did in the Strange IFC house.

Apologies to anyone who came out to that

to see us

turn that into a debacle.

And

yeah, I'm back now.

We're done with the show.

We're in post, the TV show.

We're in post-production.

If you don't know what post means, post-production is what that means.

We're editing them together.

They're coming out great.

I can't wait for you guys to see it.

Thanks so much for all of your kind words about the sneak peek that we put out.

And speaking of the sneak peek, we have one of the guests that you saw on the sneak peek here for the entire hour.

This is quite a treat because sometimes he comes barging in here

like some loudmouthed buffoon.

But we have him here all hour.

He's here for a quiet, sedate interview.

And we're just going to get into it.

I mean, I'm very excited because I, you know, growing up, as many of you know, a musical theater person,

I loved his work growing up.

First of all, I came to know his work from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Code.

I saw that when I was 14 years old, thought it was fantastic.

Then segued into a more, in my opinion, a more adult tone with Jesus Christ Superstar.

But then the hits just came

to oncoming

with Hey Vita,

which you can see on Broadway right now with Ricky Martin.

And from He Vita, we went to Hey Cats and Hey Phantom of the Opera and so many more.

And he's here to talk to us about all of those and what he has going on now.

I want to welcome to the program our very special guest for the entire program.

He's a musical theater legend.

He

is, I would say, a composer,

not as much a librettist.

He usually finds other people to write the words for him, but maybe we're going to find out about some of his future projects.

But you know him.

How long can this intro go on?

I know.

You know him as

Lord ALW.

Andrew Lloyd Weber is here with us.

Do you know, Scott, I've been holding my breath for the entirety of that introduction.

I had no idea.

Why did I do it?

Why would you?

I was not required to do so.

No, I know.

Under the podcast dual bylaws.

Why?

A gentleman holds his breath during an introduction.

Everyone knows this.

Well, maybe you, uh, maybe you, you're just soaking all of that in.

You don't want to exhale.

You know, a gentleman never soaks anything in.

I noticed that you've tied a ribbon around your microphone.

I have.

Is that for the troops?

Yes, I know.

You're very.

Which troops, by the way?

The grenader.

I'm late on my walls.

I'm just getting around to the bottom of the ball.

Just getting caught up.

Yes.

Oh, those bloody Falklands.

Thank God, that's over.

Yes.

Well, welcome.

Welcome, Andrew.

You know, you've been a guest on this program many times.

Doubtless.

And this is the first time that you've been an invited guest.

Yes, thank you.

Usually we're doing the show.

If people have heard the show before, usually we're doing the show, and I talk to one of our guests.

Great.

And in the middle of the show,

some oddball comes in.

And you're sometimes.

I'm certain you don't lump me in that particular.

No, no, no, no.

You're an actual theatrical gentleman who occasionally comes in.

A legend, some say.

Some say.

I just said it.

Wouldn't kill you to repeat it.

All right, you're a legend.

Thank you.

All right.

So welcome to the show.

It's always great to see you.

Thank you, Scotric, for actually inviting me.

Now, in a way, you have invited me because you have an open-door politia.

I do.

When it comes to you, sometimes I need to invite you because you're a lot like a vampire.

Yes, you won't step into a room.

I think it's because of my medal.

I wear this medallion.

Dracula, many people.

And your cape.

Dracula medallion is, of course, the style of medallion that it is.

It refers to the shape.

I have not been awarded it for Dracular activities.

Dracularic activities.

I wish I'd said that the first time.

Ah, well, we could always snip that out.

I wish you would.

Nope.

So welcome to the show.

Yes, you're an invited guest.

Thank you.

You were saying.

Yes.

So

I've sometimes just had to barge in here when the spirit moved me, when I had

something about which to speak, a burning desire to share my thoughts with the world via your podcast.

You quite often have several new ideas of theatrical endeavors.

I say,

that's true.

I'm always thinking, don't you know?

You see, I work in my dreams.

So when I fall asleep each night, or sometimes during the day when none of us are getting any younger, darling,

I shall go into this cloud cuckoo land where I think of my ideas for musicals.

Ah, that's where they all come from.

I noticed that some of your ideas are a little bizarre.

Well, a lot of them involve

being naked at my old high school.

I would love to see that new musical that you have planned.

There was one new one that I had been working on called My Mom's House, only it's not my mom's house.

But so, I might be

that I have to rush down here to the Ewolf Studios

and share with the world these thoughts that I have because I'm bursting into the seams of the creativity.

Well, we have plenty of time today to hear about all of these activities.

Thank heavens.

I look forward to spending this time with you all.

We're going to do our sole guest mono-amano one-on-one.

Man to man.

And uno to uno.

And nothing will ever interrupt us

until we reach the end of the program.

That's right.

In which case, we will be interrupted by the program's conclusion.

Yes, and that may not be an interruption as much as it will be a denouement.

Oh, I like what you use, theatre terms.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

So, first.

Ask me, may I say?

Yes.

At this point, this is it's rare that I do such a thing.

Scottrick, you may ask me anything.

Nothing is out of bounds.

Nothing is off limits.

It's all's fair in love and war and this interview.

We may chat about this, that, even the other thing, which I have heretofore forbidden any

journalist to ask me about.

Right.

All right.

Well, let me try to delve deep then.

I am an open book and lyrics.

I would love to ask you something just maybe that no one has ever asked you before.

I dare you to do so.

All right.

Who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

Ah, this is an excellent question.

No one has ever asked me this.

Usually, everyone just knows.

If I were to...

If I were to state definitively who the main two characters are in Jesus Christ Superstarstar.

Also, you could expand it to main three, too.

Oh, oh, I like the way you think.

This is certainly two unasked questions in a row.

The main two two characters are in order, I would say.

Oh,

in order of importance or in order of appearance?

Both.

Okay, great.

Now, I can't remember who appears first.

Please don't.

Hold me to that.

I believe Judas appears first.

All right.

Then this would be in order of importance.

Okay.

In my mind.

The curtain rises.

Yes.

Lights up.

Both of those kind of usually at the same time.

Everyone is told backstage, stop whistling.

Stop saying Macbeth.

And then all of a sudden, Judas appears on stage.

That's right.

There he is.

And you hear that famous refrain.

Always there are some booze in the audience.

Yes, always.

They recognize him.

Boo.

They betrayed our Lord.

Then Judas twirls his mustache.

That's right.

He puts on his top hat.

Yes.

He stands up from the train tracks and tie Jesus Christ.

And he asks Mary Magdalene for the rent.

That's right.

She says, I cannot pay this rent, you ask.

Yes.

And he says, Ah, but I am Judas Iscariot.

And I demand you pay 30 rents.

30 pieces of rent.

Yes.

5,216

rents.

Yes.

And then Jesus bursts from his ropes and he says, Jesus, smash.

Then he goes on a rampage.

Smashing this and that.

The military is called in.

Yes, of course.

And they start firing at him.

But the shells, the shells just bounce off of his skin.

He says, you make Jesus angry.

Puny humans.

Puny humans.

Yes.

Then Punches Pilot comes in.

Yes.

And he says.

And he punches Punches.

He punches Punches.

Who becomes a pilot?

Gets in a plane.

But he can't fly it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty.

He keeps washing his hands.

Yes, of course.

The plane crashes.

Yes.

Jesus resurrects everyone from the plane crash.

Smash Cut 2.

It's 20 years later.

The Skydeck Corporation has taken over all of Judea.

Yes.

Oh, my goodness.

What an amazing.

Now, many of you have have probably not seen this program because you're not theater nerds like us.

No, no.

I imagine you like your sporting events.

Yes.

Cricket.

Your North American baseball.

Your North American football.

What's that?

Football.

Sounds familiar.

It's a game where it has a quarterback and he touches the ball with his foot a lot.

Oh, you mean like English soccer?

Yes, of course.

Yes.

Okay.

So,

and that's Jesus Christ Superstar, and there's the character.

Okay, fantastic.

Well, I have many more questions like this, so.

I hope you have thousands of thousands.

So, here we go.

The more probing, the better.

Okay.

You may ask me personal things.

It doesn't need to just be work-related.

I'm giving you carte blanche.

Okay, all right.

Personal questions.

How do you feel about the main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

Do you feel like they're the right ones that you picked?

And who are they?

Do you know, Scott Trick?

I have conversations with the characters from my musicals almost everywhere.

Who's that knocking?

This is highly regular!

This has never happened in the middle of an interview.

What?

Who's this little ragamuffin?

Hello.

Look at this street urchin.

Hey,

hello.

Who who are you, son?

Speak up, boy.

Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Why, yes, I am.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

What a smart young child you are.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello, young man.

I'm a fan.

You're a fan of the musical theatre?

Yeah.

And my work in it in particular.

Yeah, I was lost and I heard your voice outside to I came.

I say you recognized my voice?

Yeah.

From outside the building.

Who wouldn't recognize that voice?

Wait, wait, hold on.

I like the cut of this young man's gibberish.

I do too, I do too.

But this is, uh, you're lost in the building, young man?

I got lost.

I'm so sorry, my friend.

I was outside, I was so lost, and I heard the voice, so I came in because I'm hungry, I was looking for scraps.

How long have you been lost?

For a couple of years.

What?

A couple years, you say?

Yeah.

That's a long time to be lost before.

I don't watch your account, calendar, so I don't know the exact time.

Do you know the day that you

borrowed my calendar?

It was the third.

Really?

Yes, there you are, huh?

And Drew Lloyd Webb at his calendar.

Wow, what's on that calendar?

It's huge.

Look at this calendar.

What's on there?

It's beautiful.

So many days.

Well, aside from the days, he scribbled little appointments on there.

Tell us some of those.

It's got one for

a new topic of a film he's doing.

First film at work.

Wait a minute.

A new film?

This is a scoop.

He's never ventured into that, I know, because I follow his work a great deal.

Well, you've been gone for the last two years, though.

How would you know if he's talked about it?

Newspapers.

Oh, okay.

Do you see newspapers every day?

Yeah, that's what I sleep on, because I don't got a home.

Oh, these newspapers don't have a date on them?

They do, but I only got one good eye.

Oh, wow.

I feel like a fool for asking that.

Seems like plenty to read a date on a newspaper, though.

I'm sorry.

One good one?

Yeah.

Seems like you could read a date.

Well, I kind of, but let's not get down to breath text or anything.

All right, no, I'm sorry to press you on this.

Leave the little boys.

You have to excuse me, I'm starving, so I'll get a little on edge sometimes.

Scott Rick, do we have any food here in the studio for this little boy to eat?

I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak.

That would be the greatest.

I don't know.

I don't want, you know, I mean, it's bad for all health.

I don't know.

I was saving that for my dog.

He is a ragamuffin.

I'm better than a dog.

I'm a human boy.

He does outrag dogs.

All right, here, have my table scrapped.

Thank you.

There you go.

Wait,

don't.

You're eating the foil.

You're eating the swan foil.

There's vitamins in the foil.

No, please unwrap it if you could.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

You're very hungry.

Thank you so much.

I haven't eaten in years.

Wow.

Is that medically possible for you to survive that long?

I don't know.

I don't got a real doctor.

Fair enough.

That makes sense.

See, we're just

using science that we know.

But you say a doctor would be able to tell you if not even.

A doctor could tell you anything.

It's the most trusted man in the business world.

And to be fair, Scotric, perhaps we've become used to medical advances that have happened in the last two years.

That's true.

Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that.

Yeah, that's what I get what you're saying.

Yeah.

So it's commonplace to us now, but for this little boy,

emerging from the fog of two years ago.

Do you remember it?

2010.

Oh, I wish I could.

Oh, no, actually, 2009, because we take this in 2011.

Oh, that's right.

I keep forgetting that.

Yeah, we tape it a year in advance.

I keep forgetting it's 2011.

That's because I got your calendar.

That's exactly why.

Give a calendar.

Give him back his calendar.

Yeah, I give you these table scraps, ones as big as yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Where did you get so many table scraps?

I'm just always carrying them around.

Really?

For what purpose?

For just such an occasion.

In case I meet orphans.

Well, have my orphan.

You could take me if you want.

Put me in musical.

Are you, dear boy?

Are you an actor?

I used to be an actor.

Is that so?

Yeah.

You've trolled the boards.

I did a lot of musical theater when I was just a baby boy.

Is that

what productions?

Would I have seen any of these?

I was in Jesus Christ Superstar.

Well, that's why am I?

Yeah.

What role did you play?

Jesus Christ Superstar.

He's one of the title of the main three.

May I be candid?

Sure.

He's the main number one.

Wow!

The most important character.

All right.

Jesus Christ Superstar.

So you played Jesus Christ Superstars.

We just called him Jesus Christ in the musical.

So can you sing one of the songs for us?

I wore my coat

with golden lining.

I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show.

It's just like he shows it off and he's really.

Because it's a big coat.

It's real nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It must have looked even bigger on you.

You're just a little bit of a drink.

Still got it.

Still got it.

Really?

Yeah.

Why aren't you wearing it now?

Got stolen.

Oh, no, you don't still got it after all.

I was on the the street sleeping, and a man took it.

Now, may I ask you, young man?

Yeah.

What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little fellow?

My parents were dead.

Oh.

So did you run away from an evil orphanage, a la Annie?

Yeah, and a rich man took me in for a little while.

And they got me into a theater program.

Oh, that's so nice of him.

So that was nice.

Sort of broadened your horizons.

I just wanted scraps.

Well, I'm sure that if he was a rich man, you could have eaten it.

He's a very rich man.

Ice cream sundae.

He's a good food, ice cream sundae.

He gave me a banana once.

I put it on the ice cream sundae, and that's how the banana spoke got created.

I don't know if you know that fact.

Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

I have to ask you, young man.

Well, the second time it was created.

Oh, no further questions.

So when you created it, when it became something in your mind.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

I had never seen one before.

So you actually created it because you'd never seen one before, nor heard of it.

I've seen things all the time or just created the air conditioner.

Someone can invent something even if it exists.

Yes, if they don't know it exists, they think they've invented it.

It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists.

You still wrote the joke.

Great minds think alike, as they say.

Yeah, baby.

I just made that up right now.

I'm sorry to tell you.

The young man Austin Bowers has copyrighted that.

He was a great agent.

He's been gone for longer than two years.

Great agent, MI6.

So, what happened to the rich man, though?

He put you into this theater program and then he threw me away.

Just cruel fellow.

So, you were in a theater program?

I found, I was walking the streets looking for scraps in a very rich part of town.

And the rich man picked me up and he said, Can you stay?

I said, Yeah.

Okay.

And he put me in a theater program.

Okay, but what happened then?

I don't understand.

Because you're under the care care of a rich man.

It seems like you...

I get...

Sometimes I can be a bit much.

Oh, you're a handful.

Yeah.

Now, Scottish is right.

Normally, for an orphan to become under the care of a rich man, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished by orphans.

But you're saying it was through some

personality quirk of your own.

Yeah, I get stabby.

What is that?

Now, I'm not familiar with American slang.

What does that mean?

Crankier.

I live on the street, so I gotta know how to take care of myself and be a tough guy.

Certainly.

Sometimes I get stabby.

Again, I do.

I'm not familiar with that.

What he's trying to say, Lord ALW, is that you just call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Please call him that.

He deserves the respect.

Thank you.

What is your name?

We don't even ask you.

My name?

Is it Fagan?

It's Forval.

Forval.

Forval.

Like Fival, but one less.

So, wait, what was I saying?

Oh, stabby.

Yes.

Stabby.

I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people

all the time.

Is that what you mean?

You gotta take care of yourself.

You gotta know how to stab, or else you'll get, you know, you'll get taken into the body.

You're not wrong there.

Are you carrying a weapon right now on your person?

I'm carrying it.

It's in my pocket.

What?

Semantics?

He's got you.

Okay.

Technically, his pocket is carrying.

My hands are all greasy from the scraps, so I don't want to get on a knife because then the stabby won't be so accurate.

And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, that actually is in our our favor in case he wants to pull that knife.

It may slip out of his hands.

Why so ever should he want to pull that knife?

No, you guys seem nice.

We are,

I am.

So did your father figure, the rich guy, I would imagine.

He was nice.

He was nice.

Why were you compelled to become so, as you put it, stepping?

He's got a mouth on him.

He don't know when to stop.

That's so lie.

You could tell me to clean my room, and I'm not ready to clean my room.

Fucking please.

Young man.

Don't fuck with me.

Fool of all.

Horrible.

Come on now.

I mean, I hesitate to even criticize you.

It's okay.

I like you.

I like your show.

I'm a fan of the show.

Oh, wait, you know this show as well?

Of course.

How did you get lost right outside my building then?

I got lost all over the place, but right outside, I heard the beautiful voice, and I came to it.

I didn't even know it was like

it was pulling me towards a rapture of some kind.

You've been gone for two years.

It's 2011 right now because we take the show a year in advance.

So how have you even heard the show?

Have you been listening outside the door this whole time?

Sometimes I'll just go up close to people's ears when they have headphones in and try and listen in on the streets.

Oh, that's not annoying.

Yeah.

No, they hate it.

Well, I I curse those people.

You're an adorable little fellow.

Thank you.

It would be I would be delighted to see you.

Coming from you, that's a dream.

I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself, if you just sort of put that out on the table and just say that's one.

One one

large knife

butterfly knife I invented that you invent in what way did you invent that because that's an actual professional knife I invent I I just I thought of it so I bought it

you bought it you didn't I mean well sometimes I like to say that's inventing things I'd never had one before and I never seen it so when I bought it I said now this is something I could get used to young master for

may I ask you when you say butterfly knife yeah are you referring to the shape or its purpose?

Um, I kill I have killed many butterflies.

By knife.

Yeah, because they don't know when to fucking.

Oh, again,

young fellow.

They just fly near you and it's in your personal space and you gotta teach these fucking things away.

Oh, please.

Where did you learn this kind of language?

Streets.

Oh, okay, there we go.

Now you have it.

Yes, the streets.

We have to judge him on a different scale than normal people who have been raised correctly.

At times, when he uses such vile words, he sounds like a regular cockney, as if he's been born between the sounds of the world.

I was born of both males.

I was in my fair lady, too.

His head silk!

Who rose did you essay?

Alfred Doolittle, the father, clearly.

Oh,

meaning get me to the church on time?

Get me to the church on time.

Wonderful song.

Oh, I love that song.

Even better, hearing a little child sing it.

Thank you.

It's a brand new meaning.

Did you know the songs that musical was written by the monkeys?

No, rest in peace.

Yes,

they did not write their own songs.

Next year's next time.

Rest in peace.

Yes.

That's the other thing.

I'm into the future.

Somebody should tell him.

I'll get around it.

Of course, you don't, whatever.

And you're buried the lead here.

You're a time traveler.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've never mentioned that on the show before.

Why?

Why am I not?

I ping-pong back and forth from a year in the future.

Are you in control of this?

I regulate sort of what happens.

You know, I'm sort of a time policeman.

A time copper.

We don't like to be called cops.

I do apologize.

Time Bobby.

Time Bobby is much better.

He doesn't like that, Andrew.

I'll stab this guy.

No, no, please don't

forbid.

Do not stop.

See, you're right.

This is what's worrying me.

He's a genius man, but they don't mess with people.

I know, but that's what's

troubling to me is that just a second ago you said you would never stab either of us, and now you're saying that you will stab him.

You seem entirely too ready to stab.

I'm just good at it.

I mean, the good thing is, though, at least your weapons are equidistant from the three of us.

They're just right there in the middle of the table.

Any of us could reach over.

Yeah.

I like to keep it fair.

Yeah, so if it ever comes to it during the course of this program,

we all have a good equal chance at grabbing the knife.

Although it does look a little slippery because your hands with greasy.

Yeah, with greasy.

Greasy, scraps.

Scraps, grease.

So that may come into play.

If it ever comes to that, I'm not saying it even will because hopefully we'll be great friends.

But, you know, it may come into it.

It may slip out of some of our fingers if we ever grab it.

I'm sure we will remain the best of companions through the entire podcast.

Everyone's just gotta stay cool.

Yeah, we'll all stay cool.

I'm sure we will.

Let's all stay cool.

All right.

As funny.

Tell you what, I do want to take a little bit of a break here.

Why?

Well, you know, to pay the bills.

I don't understand.

What does that mean?

I need about two minutes to go online and pay some of my bills.

Some bills.

Yeah, you know, just my electric,

my cable bill.

Don't.

I just.

I wish I had bills.

Oh, we'll get to that because

we may have some bills for you.

Yes.

I bet we do.

Whenever orphan wants.

Yes.

Responsibilities of a home.

All right.

So let's take a break, and we will be right back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber.

And Forbidden, we'll be right back, Company Bang, Bang.

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Comedy bang bang.

Comedy bang bang.

Hey, I do apologize.

That is, in large part, all I do on this program.

You are doing

to take it away from me.

Or resetting.

Yes, of course.

I do apologize.

Comedy bank.

Comedy bang bang.

I'm tweaking.

I do apologize.

Much appreciated if you would zip your your lip.

Apologies.

As a lord, I'm very used to having my own way.

He's the host.

Let him do his job or else.

Awful.

It's an available thing.

You got it going on.

You got a lot of stuff going on.

Let him do his job.

Let me have my mom.

My regular Stacey's mom.

A reference.

Yes.

Do you like Fountains of Wayne?

I love references.

Fountains of Wayne, though, do you enjoy it?

What's that?

It's the band that sings that song, Stacy's Mom.

What song?

Stacy's Mom.

You just know it as a saying?

I know who Stacey and I know her mom.

Oh, okay.

I see.

I understand.

Well, we're back here with Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber and Forville.

And,

you know, Forville, I wanted to sort of get it.

You know, we were in the middle of Mano-Wamano, one-on-one, heart-to-heart, with Lord Andrew Lloyd-Weber.

And as much as your problems are interesting to us both,

and one of us may want to adopt you on the way at one point.

Entirely possible.

So that would be a good idea.

You're making a 90% good impression.

I'll treat you right.

Just let this program be an audition for you.

Okay.

Okay.

The 10% is the stabbiness.

Yeah.

I understand.

It's hard to overcome.

That 10% is really weighing heavily on it.

It makes a difference.

Yeah, yeah.

I know about auditioning because I auditioned when I was a baby.

How did you get the parts, by the way?

I mean, you auditioned.

Were you the best?

How did you get to the audition?

I would crawl.

You crawl.

I'll crawl sometimes in a a papoose.

A papoose, you say?

Yeah.

Like a red Indian.

Were you ever put into a basket on the river?

Once, yeah.

Really?

Like Moses.

Yes.

From biblical times.

You should do a musical about Moses.

Yeah.

No?

Not interested?

No.

Too Old Testament, Eve.

You've done.

I did Joseph and the Amazing Tech.

The colour dream coat, yes.

Yes.

Old Testament.

That was my foray into the Old Testament.

And that covered all of the Old Testament.

It's just so dreadfully ridiculous.

That's where a lot lot of people would say the great stories of the Bible are.

They're all made up, though.

Well, sure, but so is.

They're false.

Yeah, of course, but so is most of the.

It's a ludicrous fairy tale.

Are you trying to say that your shows are non-fictional?

Yes.

The Phantom of the Opera?

Yes.

Is a non-fiction tale?

You've heard of the opera.

Phantom is a word.

I would agree.

Yes, it's in thedictionary.com website.

Therefore.

Phantom of the opera.

Okay.

This is a lot like

Forville inventing stuff, I think.

He's a very clever lad.

Yeah.

I mean, I know that I didn't really invent the things.

I'm not fucking stupid, but

language, please.

Unbecoming.

I don't like the way that you motioned your head towards me, too, like, to try to startle me.

Don't get in my way.

Okay.

Forville, may I ask you?

Yeah.

Were I to adopt you, and I'm not saying I'm going to, but don't get me.

This is a rich guy, just like the other rich guy.

Very well.

Very well, though.

I won't count my chickens.

I own a space shuttle.

If were I to adopt you and I attired you in a little velvet short pants suit, I gave you a hat, straw hat with a big bow on it,

let you grow out your golden curls.

What about a lollipop?

I would give you the biggest lollipop you've ever seen.

A lolly is their name.

A lolly.

Do you think that would curb your tendency to swear and use this gutter language?

I'm a good kid.

I just want to be loved.

It's just if someone messes with you or if someone tries to break into the home, they're going to get fucking what they deserve.

Oh,

I don't know.

You know, one thing maybe that you need to learn is that when someone criticizes you or gives you instructions, an adult figure, it is a form of love.

And I know that you're used to people withholding love from you, but it actually is a form of love because it's guidance and it's someone showing that they care about you.

That's nice, but I mean, still,

I'll break your fucking neck.

I do feel like you're missing the point of what you're talking about.

You're trying to cross me.

I'm just saying.

Okay, all right.

I'll come to your house.

I'll clean.

I'll do my chores.

I'll be good.

I'll help you transpose your music.

Oh, thank you.

Now you're talking.

Because the keys are getting a little high for you, Andrew Lloyd Weber, I've noticed lately.

Well, you know, because I will.

The way I have my cast members learn the songs is I sing them to them over and over and over again until they learn them.

Yes, of course.

Because you don't know how to play piano.

That's the weird part.

I don't even...

I'm not even sure what a piano is.

It's that thing.

It has 88 keys.

Like the movie Dick Tracy.

Yes, of course.

Andy Potipkin.

Yeah, 88 keys.

That's a very weird reference.

I know, but you know what?

I love that

you have a breadth of knowledge about cinema history.

Yeah, I'm pretty good with that.

Yeah.

You're quite a little...

I'm a little scamp.

You're a little scamp.

I do want to ask you, before we get to my question to you, Andrew Lloyd Weber, we never found out exactly what happened to the rich old man.

Was he old, by the way?

I'm not sure.

This is a good line of inquiry.

Okay.

I don't know whether he was old or not.

You never said he was old.

You just said he was rich.

He was old.

How old was he?

74.

Wow, that is elderly.

Rich, elderly man.

And we've never found out his fate.

Will he ever see 75?

No.

No.

He's passed over.

He passed.

He passed.

Yeah.

In what way did he pass?

He said he he woke up one morning.

He didn't look so good.

And I said, Are you okay?

And he said, leave me alone.

I said, what the fuck did you say to me?

And he said, I don't feel good.

Please leave me alone.

I just stabbed the shit out of him.

Because you don't

act like that, especially in the morning.

Fauval.

I'm going to overlook the language in this instance and focus on what I think is the most egregious crime you've committed, which is the crime you've committed.

But of murder.

You've stabbed this man.

In the first degree.

In the first degree.

Yeah.

Premeditated.

Yes, one might say.

Yes.

I learned a lot talking to my friend Ice-T about murder and sexual crimes,

mainly.

He wrote Cop Killer, one of the greatest songs in history.

Really?

Did you know we co-wrote that song?

No.

What?

It was originally called A Cop Hugger.

And I said, I do.

I've got an idea.

I'd have to ask him about this.

Let's stir up a little controversy.

Oh, yes.

You, me, and body count.

And it worked.

It worked worked like a...

It went down a treat.

The three of you.

I mean, I'm counting body count as a collective.

A unit, yes.

You have to.

You have to.

Stay in system.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

that is fast.

I have to ask him about that next time he's on.

I wish you would.

I wish I would, too.

He is very open about talking about the creative process.

I'm going to go into the future just to make sure I've done that.

Excuse me for a second.

Wow!

Where did Scottrick go?

I don't know.

There was a flash of light.

I don't know.

Horval, why are you pointing that at me?

Because.

I'm back.

Oh, no, remember too soon.

Yeah, I did.

I did it.

I did it.

I forgot to tell Davy Jones, though.

Oh, no.

Oh, well.

Okay, you'll figure it out.

It's fine.

He's old.

It'll be fine.

So, what exact so so uh did the the policeman take you away?

No, I ran out into grabbed what I could in my bindle and I went out into the street.

You grabbed your coat of many colors.

Yeah, Mike.

I still had that.

I said, Bring me my colour coat.

Now, did you?

I really did, and I ran out into the street.

The servants brought you...

Yeah.

And they weren't frightened of you from...

No, they couldn't.

I'm nice to them, but they know if they crossed it.

May I say, Skottrick?

And of course, Forval will know this from his experience with this rich elderly man.

Servants, they do their jobs and they do the if they're good servants, they do them impeccably well.

It would be crossing a boundary for a servant.

To presume someone from the upstairs.

You gotta know your place.

You have to know your place.

It's true.

Now, Fauval, on this, we do agree.

I have seen Downtown Abbey, so I know

Scottrick.

Yes?

Oh, my word.

What's wrong?

I know that.

Like fingernails on the chalkboard of my eardrum.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about my favorite program.

Don't say it.

Downtown Abbey.

I've said it twice now.

Oh, God.

Please.

I love that show.

I'm the biggest downtown Abbey fan.

I'm getting stabby.

I'm getting stabby.

Go for it.

I won't bring it up anymore.

Can I ask something about your coat?

Sure.

You say it's a coat of many colors.

Are you sure it's not just a white coat that has a lot of red bloodstains on it?

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Don't fall.

It's my amazing technical dream coat.

Steady.

I just wanted to make sure that it's.

Tread lightly.

It's all on the bottom.

How can I

question you?

All right, we'll drink it.

There is blood on the coat, but it's of many.

It's the blood of many.

People of different colours.

So, wait a minute.

Are you trying to say that, like, Spock's green blood?

I tell but a Nimoy.

Who is this guy?

You killed Leonard Nimoy.

This morning.

This morning?

Watch why?

In 2011.

I hope no one will ever hear of this.

Okay, let me check.

Excuse me.

Oh, okay, I'm back.

No, no one's heard of it.

Oh, thank you.

Next year.

That's okay.

The guy in the movie is not the real guy.

It's an imposter.

Oh, my God.

Because I think I checked, and no one has ever seen the headline: Director of Three Men and a Baby has been killed.

I heard if you watch that film,

you can see the the background of one of the scenes

where

Ted Danson is throttling Steve Gutenberg to death, saying, Why did you make us have a baby?

We're only two men.

It's very early in the film.

In the background, you can see Leonard Namoy

being stabbed to death.

Oh, my God.

It's a shotgun, too, for a second.

Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout

of William Shandner drowning his wife.

Holy dear.

dear.

All right.

My wife.

All right.

All right.

Let's get back on track here because we've gone off the rails.

Good luck to you.

A little bit here.

What I want to know, and we'll get back to

Forval.

We'll get back to your troubles and we'll sort of check in with you a little later.

But what I want to get back to, Andrew Lloyd-Weber, is I feel.

Oh, yes, hello.

I'm Celia.

I feel like we were talking about your career, and if you had to say, my favorite topic, You had promised me some sort of,

as we say in the biz, exclusie, an exclusive about

what you were up to next, and I would love to hear exactly what you're doing.

Yes, I did promise you an enscoopment, and what I've brought you is my latest endeavor.

Now, you know, they're planning this here to

speak, of course, here in 2011.

Yes.

They're planning this television program.

We're right in the middle of pilot season.

We're right in the middle of pilot season 2011.

Yes.

Now, next year,

from what I understand, sources tell me, there's going to be a show, a television program.

Are you talking about the one where they are in the future and they go back to the past and there's dinosaurs?

I'm so excited for that one.

That is going to be amazing.

Ah, yes, it is not the topic about which I'm speaking.

Are they talking about Whitney?

I'm super.

Oh, I'm.

She's in sweatpants.

It's no, I know who she is.

It's Whitney.

Sorry.

How dare you?

Shui Whitney.

Downtown.

So, downtown.

This

curdles my throat.

There's going to be an hour-long drama on the television here in America that's going to be about the creation of a Broadway musical.

No.

It's going to be called SMASH!

Is this about Jesus when he bursts out of those ropes and he attacks the army?

It should be.

But it isn't.

It's about a regular musical.

Okay.

It's the music.

It's the behind-the-scenes of some tiresome theater people.

They're creating a musical about the life of Marin

Mark Marin.

Murdo.

Oh my god, that's it.

That's IFC is doing that.

Your IFC, the International Fried Chicken.

Wait, they're doing creating.

They're creating, yes, next year.

Oh, my gosh.

I hope they pick up my show.

We're just working on a pilot with them right now.

May I tell you some news from the future?

Please.

I've talked to another one of these time bobbies.

Yes.

It's looking good for Company Bank Bang.

I love it.

I love it.

One word of advice.

Yes.

Hire Reggie Watts.

I'm not a fan.

You must do it.

Nah.

Star Trick, please believe me.

Nope.

Won't do it.

You gotta do it.

Won't do it.

Never.

You'll see.

All right.

You cannot change the future.

Everyone knows this.

That is one thing that

I've been in the future.

I've stayed away from it because I hate spoilers.

No spoilers.

That's one thing being a time policeman that is really annoying is I hate spoilers.

Let's get back to me.

Okay, sure.

So.

Yes.

I've written this script.

We're talking about Smash.

Yes, it's a spec script of the drabber Smash, which is about the creation of a musical about the most tiresome person in the world, Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, people love her to death.

Why do they still keep talking about her?

No one knows.

You go into any teenage girl's room, and they just have pictures of Marilyn Monroe up all over.

Oh, wait, no, I'm thinking about people in the 70s and 80s.

I'm I'm not talking.

You may be.

Or people in their 70s and 80s.

Yeah, those are the people obsessed with Marilyn Monroe.

That's right.

I've written an episode of the show, and I hope it will make it to air.

But I'd like to...

I have a year.

Even though I have a year to prepare, it'd be good to do a little, just read a scene just to see how it feels out loud.

Okay.

And I'll know if I can work on it.

Good luck with that.

Scottrack.

Yes.

I wonder if you might be able to help me.

Oh,

you would like us to read?

Scottrick, I would love it if you and dear young Fauville here would read Rose Fauville.

You've trod the boards.

I have.

This would be an honor.

Well, the honor is mine, young man.

An esteemed board treader such as yourself.

This is a good idea.

And also Scott Rick.

Hey.

I have a bit of a background.

Yeah, a bit of a background.

Yeah, all right.

Well, you know,

this is almost like when Quentin Tarantino directs like an episode of CSI or AR or something, like Emergency Room.

Did you ever see that episode of The Price is Right, Quentin Terry?

You directed?

No, I haven't.

Lingering shots of the women's feet as they introduce the prizes.

Disgusting.

Now here, gentlemen, here are your scripts.

Oh, thank you so much.

I always carry...

You know me, I always plant scripts in every

podcast studio I go to.

That's right.

Just underneath the furniture?

Yes.

Now, Scottrake.

If anyone finds it taped underneath their seats, they win a gift certificate, usually.

Is that right?

Yes.

Also, a paint pack blows up at their faces.

This one isn't going to blow up in my face, is it?

No, no, because I've handed it to you.

Okay.

It responds to my touch and my touch only.

All right.

Now, Scottrake, if you would essay the role of the director.

Director.

And however.

And Forville, if you would play the role of the actress.

Now, I know that may seem strange.

Yes, actress.

That may seem strange because you're a little boy, but back in the Bard's day, it was not her at all.

I have range.

No doubt.

Your voice is a little high, too.

I mean, and that's not a criticism.

I'm glad you said that because.

I'm just saying that, you know,

we're all different.

Human beings are all different.

We all have different voices.

That's true.

There's over 30 voices.

Speaking of voices, Fauville, are you able to change your voice depending on the character?

Could you play a young lady?

I could.

I'm a fucking actor.

Alright, no need to point that at me.

Gosh, yeah.

Greasy, though it may be.

Very well then.

Scott Rick is the director, Fauville is the actress.

I will be playing the role of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Oh, so you're actually in this?

Yes, why not take the liberty of writing myself into it while I'm writing it.

Have you ever acted before?

Never!

We'll see how it goes.

I've seen you on this year's American Idol.

Yes.

And who were you?

You were mentoring the...

I mentor them all.

That's right.

What didn't you say to all of them this year?

I told all of them to imagine when they're singing the songs.

Yes.

That they are singing in the voice of a dear old Glamopos.

Yes.

Now, she's not a flippity dibbet.

Not a tall spot.

Certainly not a fuss budget.

Just a regular old glamour puss.

Yes, I saw that the other day and I couldn't imagine what you were thinking.

Why is that?

Well, I mean, who knows?

Okay, well,

why do you think any of these children would know what a glamour puss is?

I don't even think I know what a glamour puss is.

How do they know what

a dinner plate is?

How do they know what a salad umbrella is?

How do they know what a wescott is?

How do they know what wine to serve with fish?

Have you ever heard of a bumbo shoot?

Of course you have.

You're a child.

Very well.

All right, very well.

So

I will also read the stage directions as needed.

Okay, fantastic.

Here we go.

We begin with the director.

Do I need to knock on the door?

No, you don't.

I don't know why.

It takes place.

We're already inside.

Oh, right.

Let me set the scene for the listener.

How is anyone going to know that I walked inside?

I do.

I do.

I do wish you would stop talking except when indicated.

May I set the scene for the listener?

We're in the rehearsal studio, or rehearsal, as we say, in the Britain.

They're working on their tiresome musical about Marilyn Monroe.

They're all very tiresome theater people, and they're arguing with each other, as people in the theater do.

Everyone considers themselves very important, and they are, of course, wrong.

All right, and the director begins.

He does not knock.

Hello, I'm walking in the door now.

Okay, he's already there, but go ahead.

All right, let's get back to rehearsing, people.

We are making a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe here, not playing American football with President Barack Obama.

Whatever.

I'm rolling my eyes.

Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, that is an

I heard that young lady actress.

Now let's take it from the top, and this time, try being talented.

Quite a burn.

Suddenly, the rehearsal room door opens, and in walks an impressive figure in an expensive jumper and wearing the robes and medallions of an English lord.

The actress is so startled, she cries out, Excuse me, this is a closed rehearsal, I am so sure.

You empty-headed fool.

Don't you know who that is?

Why, it's Tony Award-winning Broadway composer Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Oh, your grace, I am a worthless creature who shall crawl on my belly for the rest of my days.

Nay, rise, child.

We're all equal to the eyes of thespus.

Now, of course, that's not actually true.

My supremacy in the theater is absolute.

Oh, yes.

I just wanted to see how rehearsals are going for.

Marilyn Monroe, the musical about Marilyn Monroe and her life life and death.

Oh, who cares?

Won't you sing one of your own songs for us?

Oh, please, Your Excellency.

If you shan't, I shall take this dagger and slit my own caterwalling throat.

She produces a knife.

No, that's just a stage direction.

You're not meant to do it.

No, there's no need.

I

need no need to.

There's no need for you.

Stay your hand, child.

I'll go you one better.

I'll improve a song that already exists.

Hurrah!

It's even about Marilyn Monroe already.

I'll just take the liberty of fixing the lyrics.

Goodbye, Marilyn Monroe, you pre-deceased.

All of my musicals never got to see one.

Not even Jesus Christ superstar the earliest.

People still talk all about you.

I don't understand it.

You didn't even see

Starlight Express, where I had actors on roller skates pretend to be trains.

and it seems to me your life was irrelevant because you didn't see any of my work.

Why do people care about you?

It takes away conversation about me.

I'm glad I never knew you and I'm glad you're dead.

Probably roasting in hell

for assisting in someone having extramarital affairs.

The president, your your american president and it goes on from there wow what a what a powerful

oh i i wasn't gonna say that but what were you going to say moving no i was going to say judgmental well written judgmental yeah i mean uh you

in what way you think

in hell because they

how did you put it assisted

in hell for assisting

in someone's extramarital affairs do you want me to stab this guy dad oh

now first of all presumptuous.

Let's not put the cart before the horse.

Secondly, as much as I would like you to stab all manner of people, I will ask you to sheathe your weapon.

Thank you, Fauval.

You're a fine.

You're an honorable young man.

I love you.

Oh, okay.

Well.

I love you as well.

Thank you.

You're the son I never actually have several children.

But you are a son I never had.

Well,

I hate to think that this matter is settled because we still have some of the program to go before you decide whether or not you're going to adopt.

That's true.

Nothing has been signed yet.

I have not signed the adoption papers.

Do you have adoption papers on you, by the way?

Of course.

I'm not stupid.

They're remarkably clean for having been in your disgusting, blood-soaked coat for so long.

They're the one thing I keep close to my heart.

Aww.

Just in case.

Getting a bit dusty in here.

No, I think you're crying.

No, no.

Today I wake up and I look at the papers and I say maybe I'll meet the Lord here, Juloy Webb, and you'll take a look at the- you've wanted to meet him specifically I've been following him for years oh okay I thought you were lost no I'm a filthy liar the truth comes out oh my god this is this is a bombshell that I'm afraid we're going to have to take a cliffhanger on because we need to take a break strike me scarlet I can't believe this turn of events we are gonna find out about this

when we come back no we're gonna have to take a break that sounds too delicious we have to we'll be right back with comedy bang bang and we'll follow up on this dramatic turn of events.

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You know, when you think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's.

There still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game Day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?

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They even have decor and merge from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween.

A rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So yeah.

So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score

goal

today at Wayfair.com.

That's WAYFAIR.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

We've done it.

And we're back.

A trio.

Ah, yes.

We were just warming up during that break.

We always do.

Because we tossed the energy ball around for a bit.

Of course, played soundball.

Made a machine.

Yeah.

And we are back at Comedy Bang Bang, and we're here.

A surprising turn of events happened right now.

Oh, yes, that's that's right.

Yeah, we immediately forgot about it.

So caught up in our exercises.

Yeah, I made a little note to talk about it when we came back, which is the only way that I can remember anything.

So, yeah, so we're back.

And you were saying that you've been...

I have it written down here, stalking Andrew Lloyd Weber?

I wouldn't call it stalking, man.

Don't put words in my mouth.

I mean,

you didn't use that word.

You're right.

You've been following him with murderous intent.

And unbeknownst to me.

No, I want him to be my dad.

Okay, well.

I don't want to murder him.

He's a genius.

How did you first hear of him?

I mean, you obviously.

I didn't think when I was in Jesus quite a superstar, it really touched me, and I wanted to be with him forever.

Oh, this dear little fellow.

Wow.

He is melting this miser's heart of mine, which I have just decided I have.

He's a kind man who's brought smiles to millions, and I want to be part of that.

So, let me get the chronology of what happened here.

You were put into

the

confusing.

You were put into the drama program by a rich old man, 74 years old.

Daddy Warhorse.

Daddy Warhorse.

Daddy Warhorse.

That was his name.

He's one of the legendary angels of the theatre.

Correct.

He used all of his unlimited wealth to fund various productions of this, that, and the other thing, which I have allowed you to ask me about.

I'm going to get to it.

Don't worry.

We have time.

Now, this gentleman, he's been a friend to the theater for as long as I've been alive.

And you're saying you stabbed him to death?

Oh, yeah, I didn't want to.

He treated me right, but then that morning.

He just asked that you leave him alone.

He was feeling poorly, and you stabbed him unto death.

And you don't act like that.

You gotta be nice.

I don't tolerate rudeness.

But Fauval, dear boy, have you ever considered

the more peaceful alternative of discussion, of

negotiation, talking with people before you bring out your cold steel blade and insert it betwixt their ribs?

I would definitely try to curb my curb my problem if I'm with you, but I, you know, it's hard.

When you live on the streets and you grow up like that, everyone's trying to get you.

So sometimes.

How did your original parents die?

Because you're trying to say that

you came into these stabby feelings because of growing up on the streets.

My parents died.

Right, so

how did they die?

Well, it was my birthday, and they said happy birthday to you, and they sing the song, and then they brought out the cake.

Classic from Mildred and Patty Hill.

Yeah, they brought out the cake.

For the spinsters?

Miserly old crones.

Still demanding money.

Still demanders on it.

They've passed.

Would you believe it?

I had a birthday party for someone on my staff.

We all sang happy birthday.

There they appeared.

You're rising up out of the floorboard.

And they passed a hat?

They made everyone turn out their pockets.

Some of the poorer members on staff, of course, very embarrassed because they had no money.

And moths flew out of their pockets.

Well, I was mortified on their behalf.

that's happened to me with my wallet every once in a while oh no in the lean years

the david lean years yes when you were impersonating david lean

not very

a weird person to impersonate yes it doesn't get you a lot of money not much demand for it not at all very few people ever lawrence of arabia parties

So what were we talking about?

Oh, who cares?

So, okay, so they sing happy birthday.

I stabbed them.

Oh, now why would you stab someone for singing happy birthday?

They were singing happy happy birthday and they got me a cake and I want a fudgy the whale cake, but

you wanted an iced cream cake.

Oh, Fudgy the Whale cake and it wasn't that.

It's your birthday.

You should get what you want.

So I don't think that you should blame the streets for your murderous leanings here.

I disagree, Scott.

I really disagree.

It sounds like they were instilled in you before.

You were on the streets.

It seems like your murderous urges kind of...

I think I just learned from the hardships and that stuff of that

from me.

One might say you have a Vigo Mortensonian history of violence.

Some people say I have a Vigo the Carpathian history of violence.

From Ghostbusters 2.

Correct.

I liked Slymer from Ghostbusters 1.

Do you remember him?

Do you remember him?

He had a mouthful of hot dogs.

Oh, I love Shibbasbyblas.

I wish I had a mouthful of hot dogs.

I liked the cab driver who was a skeleton.

Oh, yeah, he was great.

You know, a bit of trivia about Slimer.

His name actually wasn't Slimer.

What if I was

Joseph?

It was Joseph, yeah.

And he got the nickname Slimer because

I don't know if you noticed this in the movie, but he actually emitted some sort of

slime off of his body, which then would rub off on people.

Well, that explains the line that Bill Murray has.

I don't remember.

He encounters this ghost, Slimer, and then he's knocked down by the force of this little green goblin.

And when he arises from the floor, he's covered in slime, and he says out loud to the other actors, really, he slimed me.

Yeah.

I don't remember that part.

True.

Maybe I dreamed it.

Perhaps I'm making it up.

Yeah, you might be.

Yeah.

You've seen Ghostbusters?

Yeah, I watched it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I watched it with Ray Parker Jr.

once.

Tell us about that.

I lived with Ray Parker Jr.

for a couple years.

Did you really?

Was this before your original parents or after?

After.

And was it before the original Ghostbusters?

Right after I stabbed my parents, I took my dog Sandy and I went on the streets.

And then I and Ray Parker Jr.

lived next door, so I just went in there and sat down.

He's not doing much, so we just hung out.

Yeah, he, I mean, he was a session musician, of course, who just kind of lucked into the Ghostbusters theme.

Locked into stealing a song from Huey Lewis.

As people lock into stealing things, that's what happened.

I found out that he stole that song from Huey Lewis, so I killed him.

Oh, no.

Stabbed him to death.

Yeah, but that's not a secret, just no one cares about it.

True.

Okay.

So, um.

Let me ask.

What were we talking about?

May I ask this?

Dear Master Forval, were I to adopt you, to take you on as my ward at the very least,

and install you in my mansion,

which can be seen from space.

Where is your mansion, by the way?

Is it in the Merry Old Land of the world?

The top of the world.

Okay.

If I were to install you in my top-of-the-world mansion, which can be seen from space, in order to curb your more stabrionic tendencies,

what if I were to put you in a special room?

Now, this room, it doesn't necessarily have walls as we know them, but it has sort of see-through walls that are

sort of made of

a bunch of thin sticks, just in regular rows on four sides.

But

these sticks, they are made of gold.

Solid gold.

Wow.

What about the ceiling and the floor?

Would those also be sticks as well?

No, those would be more squares.

Just

very solid, thick squares.

So, out of the six sides of this room, I'm presuming it is six sides.

Is that well, it's a little room inside a bigger room.

So it's it's a four-sided room.

Four-sided, but there's also the top and the bottom.

So

well, you've got me there.

Six sides.

So two of the.

Congratulations, Albert Einstein.

I don't I mean,

there's your Nobel Prize in Mathematics.

I try not to invent the atom bomb.

I think that you are trying to make fun of me for you not knowing something.

That might be exactly what's happening.

All right, but in these six sides.

Why don't you look into the future and see if that's the case?

In these six sides, the top and the bottom are solid.

Yes.

And the other four...

They're making a roof and a floor.

Sure, and the other four are kind of like...

It seems what you're describing could otherwise be known as a cage.

A gilded cage.

A gilded cage.

Of my very own.

Yes, and I would keep you in here for, let's say, one calendar year.

Okay.

In order to make sure that

you're not going to stab anyone, but that you can see I mean you no harm, and you'll get used to the rhythms of my voice and things that I will ask you.

Are you not used to these rhythms, by the way?

No, I'm very used to them.

I just, you keep harping.

I'm not going to kill nobody unless they, unless they're not going to be able to do it.

See,

see the unless they that's the sticking point like I wish you would just put a full stop after you would back the fuck up how do you know

bits we won't have that language in the Gilded Cage I'm I'm gonna reach for this don't act stupid I'm gonna reach for this if you're also going to reach for one of the other knives you think I can't reach quicker I think that my reach I have very long arms I'm very fast fast like a rabbit I'm I'm I'm I'm a scamperer yeah but you have short little stubby arms and I don't say that to criticize you I just mean

one moment.

Stubby arms.

Let's do this as gentleman.

Let's do this as gentleman.

I'm just saying that you have sort of a baby's body.

Oh, my fucking baby.

You know how.

I'm small, though.

I know, but you know how a baby.

You know how a baby has just kind of like a fat little, just like

the fuck back in.

Please, Scott, you look like a little

Pillsbury doughboy that.

Christ, I'll slit you from balls to gullet if you don't shut your fucking mouth already, okay?

All right, fucking please, man.

I've shut up.

I just wanted to say that.

I don't want to be this way.

Okay, well, all right.

I say, how close are we to a break?

Why, do you need a break?

No, no, I just have an idea.

Oh, you have an idea?

Yes.

Okay, well, why don't we take one?

And

before we take the break, yes.

How about this?

Okay.

Count of three.

Yes.

Marquis de Queensbury rules.

Okay.

Everyone reaches for a knife.

One, two, three.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

And

boy, that was a cliffhanger, too.

Let's see who's got what?

Who's got.

Okay, open your hands and we'll see who's got a knife.

This is a candle.

I can't believe it.

This is an Advent candle.

Wait, what do you mean by an Advent candle?

So, what are those purple candles that you light?

During the Advent season.

No, that's an Advent calendar.

There's many facets to Advent.

Anyway, what are you holding?

I'm.

Oh my gosh, I'm holding a stick.

It looks like a divining rod.

Divine water?

Yeah, and it's pointing just sort of northeast.

Oh,

towards the ocean.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

Northeast?

Towards the ocean?

Towards the Atlantic.

Yes, exactly.

Okay, great.

Yes.

But you can see the Pacific.

Why would you do the divining rod?

True as true can be.

Bless my buttons.

You're damn right.

Look at little Thorville's got all the knives.

How did you see knives?

There's even more knives than there were on the table.

Some Garat wire.

Oh, my God.

A Pungy stick.

He's got a candlestick from Cludo.

Yeah.

A couple of rat wilers.

He's got live dogs.

Oh, my goodness.

Live muzzled rottwilas.

How are you that quick?

I told you not to reach, ma'am.

How are you that...

I mean,

I just assumed from your short little stubby arms that you were.

He's got all the knives and some dogs.

I know, but I don't mean to insult you.

I'm just a death wish, ma'am.

I don't mean to insult you.

I'm just

calling them like I see them.

Well, I hope you won't do anything with those.

Well, don't.

Don't you want to put them back on the table?

I'll put them in this cup holder.

All right, here we go.

All right.

All right, there they are.

All right, guys.

So

we just have one last thing on the show.

And

I did have one question, though, for you, Andrew Lil.

Yeah, for I mean, you said I could ask about anything.

Anything at all.

Yeah, and I just had one really specific question about.

I want to get deep with you here.

Yes.

So, can you tell me what were the colors of Joseph's coat?

Oh, of course I can.

Let me see if I remember correctly.

It was red.

Green,

brown,

scarlet, black.

I think there was ochre, peach,

ruby,

olive, violet, violet.

Fawn?

Memory says.

Lilac.

Mm-hmm.

Gold, of course.

Chocolate?

Mauve.

I think there was also a little bit of a cream in there.

Have I said crimson yet?

I think there was crimson.

Silver, of course.

Something else in the red palette.

Rose.

Azure.

I think lemon, russet, grape.

Did you say crimson?

I did say crimson.

I believe I say crimson.

Yes.

He said it.

I'm sorry.

Purple.

He said it.

Just, like,

let him do his thing.

Sorry.

White, even though it's the absence of colour.

Pink?

Orange.

Red.

Yellow.

Green.

Brown.

Did I say scarlet, black, and ochre?

Yes.

Oh, I.

You know what it is?

I'm seeing them in my mind.

Ah.

And in my mind, Joseph is turning around.

I feel like you've forgotten.

He's doing a spin, a 360.

He's showing it off.

Yes.

And so he's seeing a real dandy.

I'm seeing them all over again from the beginning.

Yeah, I feel like you've forgotten a really important one.

Did he say crimson?

He forgot.

He said crimson.

He's trying crimson.

All right.

Oh, you are.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Fuck, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

Just

gentlemen.

Yes, gentlemen, please.

This is most unseemly.

Okay, I'm sorry.

This kid.

Oh, blue!

blue, yes.

That's the one I...

I don't know why I couldn't think of blue.

Yeah, maybe the most popular color of all.

This kid bugs me.

I don't know what scars are you.

Fauval, oh, ooh, ooh, please, Fauval.

Why don't you practice your butterfly knifing for just a little bit?

It's not an eyeball.

Let the grown-ups talk for a bit.

Just try to stab around your fingers.

Have you ever done anything like that?

Mumbly pig.

Yes.

Are you really going to adopt this?

I've never been more terrified in my entire life.

You're not acting like it.

I have to say that you're a very good actor.

I'm not going to appease this monster.

I think you'll be really good on Smash then.

Do you think so?

Yes, because, I mean, I would never have guessed.

Is it a bit of a cheat I'm playing myself?

I think it's not a stretch necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into something.

You know, I loved the player where they're all playing themselves and everyone had a great fun.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before he could move on to being head of state.

Yes, that's right.

You know what I mean?

It's wonderful in that film.

Underrated.

Wonderful.

Ms.

Kottrick.

Yes.

I need you to spirit me away from the studio.

I don't know that I have the resources to do that.

What exactly is it?

Lord, you simply must.

Well, have a radio helicopter piloted.

You don't have to have him throw down a rope ladder.

We don't have one of those.

I mean, we just have this

sort of.

I mean, we just have kind of a strange hatch that leads into a

hidey hole, like a spider hole.

Can I squeeze into this hidey-holing spider hatch?

I guess you could, but I mean, the thing is.

Okay, goodbye.

Wait, it's hidden.

That's the.

I'll find it.

Okay.

Goodbye.

Well, I hope not forever.

I hope not forever.

Goodbye.

Okay.

Hey, Forval.

Hey.

So,

how'd that game go?

It went good.

I was practicing my knife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks good.

Yeah, you didn't stab your.

Where did my daddy go?

Oh, you didn't see him go away?

No.

Huh, yeah, you had your back turned.

He must be going to get the room ready, the cage room.

Yeah, that sounds good to you, huh?

Yeah, I can't wait.

I'm going to...

Spend a whole year inside that cage?

Finally, feel loved and be just like a real boy.

I say, is he gone?

Holy shit.

Cedric, um.

Give me the all-clear.

Oh, my God.

He found the all-clear.

Scott, did you try to pull Fast one on me?

I didn't pull anything.

I will.

Lou Fovor.

You were literally gone for 60 seconds.

That's not enough time to get rid of anyone.

I just thought he would have killed you and gotten bored and wandered off.

I hope you.

You were willing to sacrifice me?

Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye, should you be sacrificed?

You're not listening to me, this is not.

No, I can't hear sometimes.

Okay.

I hope this is one of those times.

My one good ear.

Seems like even with one ear, you'd be able to hear.

What?

Never mind.

Got it.

So, no, I didn't pull a fast one on you.

I was looking in the same direction as you, and this guy just, like, totally turned around and he tried to get out of here.

This guy is a Lord Afterlord Weber, by the way.

Look, I'm not gonna lie, I understand.

Oh,

yeah.

Is that what adults usually do?

Which is my favorite, and I really wanted to live with you, but you know, I got a lot of baggage and stuff, so.

Fauval, though it means my most certain death,

will you please let me adopt you?

Oh, I know.

Oh, my God.

This is the greatest day of my life.

Please become my murderous son.

Or ward.

Oh, ward.

Let's see how it goes.

Ward first.

Yeah, like a robin type.

Yes, we'll solve some crimes.

Yeah.

Vehilante justice.

Sweet.

I got a sweet little outfit on, too.

Now that I see it, yes, it is rather reminiscent of your rags and tatters, I just assumed, were clothes that were wearing off of you, are actually a very carefully constructed robin costume.

Yeah.

Wow.

This is amazing.

I've always wanted to visit your place, and you've never invited me.

Well, no.

But surely you didn't expect an invitation.

Well, I mean, you're on this program so many times.

Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy?

One.

Yes, and this is that time.

And now I would like to be invited to your place.

Well, why don't you try bursting into my home a few times?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we'll see how it goes.

It seems to lead to invitations.

All right, well.

Well, I'll burst in and see what happens.

Oh, ha ha ha!

I like this.

It seems like you have some sort of little attack dog here at the ready now that you're going to keep in a cage and you're going to have to protect your house.

Please don't talk that way about my ward, who's also my Vigilante justice partner.

I mean, I thought that you and I were cool on this.

I'm terrified of him.

I'm trying to appease him.

What did you say that you were going to adopt him?

I'm trying to appease him.

Are you going to try to ditch him?

No, I'm going to try to escape at the earliest convenience, don't you understand?

You're not actually going to adopt him?

I can't know.

Why would I?

He's a stabbing little maniac.

Well, how do we get rid of this guy?

I don't know.

I think the only thing to do is to try to outreach him to one of these knives and kill him.

All right, the knives are back on the table.

Yeah, well, I think the mistake that we made the last time

was that we announced that we were going to all reach for these knives.

Yes, yes.

All we should do is jump on him.

Yes.

We should reach for these knives before he does.

So that way we have at least a half second before he.

I say, should we have a code word?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What should the code word be?

A knife?

Knife grab.

Knife grab.

Okay, so if either of us has knife grab, then we're both going to reach for the.

Not a grab knife.

This has to be crystal clear.

Okay.

Knife grab.

Knife grab.

Knife grab.

How can we remember that?

There has to be some mnemonic device.

Yes, a mnemonic device.

So let us know that when we grab the knife, we want to say knife grab.

Knife grab.

The signal is knife grab.

How do we remember to grab the knives when we hear the term knife grab?

Well, K stands for kid.

Yes, he's a kid.

Yes.

N stands for naughty.

He's a naughty kid.

Yes, he is.

Okay,

I stands for I.

I'm going to grab a knife.

Yes, I am the person.

F stands for friend.

He's not our friend.

Friend.

Okay, and E stands for education, which is every child should have an education.

education.

So that would be easy to do.

Also, every good boy deserves fan.

That's true.

Okay.

So that's that is G.

Yes, G.

Go ahead.

I did knife.

You can do.

Of course.

Fair s fair.

G stands for Ganzooks.

I'm terrified of this little child who's going to stab me with a knife.

Okay.

I must wrest the knife away from his control and therefore gained the upper hand.

Okay, fantastic.

So remember that?

All right.

R stands for really.

Don't you think it's time you grab the knife?

Okay, good.

A, we're up to.

A.

A stands for.

Here we are.

A shame it would be.

Were this little boy to grab the knife first?

Okay.

And stab us.

It's okay.

And then, of course, that leads us to the last letter, B.

B.

Boy.

Boy.

Okay, so we have it for kid.

Let's review.

Kid.

K.

Kid.

Kid.

N, naughty.

He's naughty.

He's a good kid.

I, I want to grab this knife.

Yes.

F,

friend.

He's not a friend.

He's not a friend.

That's how we remember his name.

E, every good boy deserves fudge and education.

That's right.

Dual meaning.

Okay.

G, gazooks.

Gazooks.

This little boy is your boy.

I have to.

I have to grab this knife before he does.

And it stabs me.

Knife grabs.

He was listening.

He has one good idea.

He said,

I am stabbed.

I am stabbed.

I am slain.

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What does possibility mean to you?

Um, that's a hard question.

Something that you can strive for.

I'm able to do anything I set my mind to.

You're confident in yourself and you believe in yourself.

Stuff that you could achieve.

I feel excited.

Eddieling is possible when you're more confident.

Shoes are a huge part of that.

They are the most important part of my style.

You can like express yourself in the right shoes.

Anything is possible.

DSW, countless shoes at bragworthy prices.

Imagine the possibilities.