Pizza? Pizza… Pizza! (Jon Gabrus, Matt Apodaca, John Hartman)

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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Your secrets are safe with us.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Hmm.

Seems a little repetitive.

Thanks so much to Pigasaurus for that catchphrase submission.

Pigasaurus, I'm assuming a combination of a pig and a stegosaurus, perhaps?

Or a dinosaurus?

No, I think it's just dinosaur.

But thank you so much to Pigasaurus for that catchphrase submission.

Yeah, again, repetitive.

And honestly, it's a little too close to our new

tagline, Comedy Bang Bang, We Care.

You know, I think adding, not only do we care, but your secrets being safe with us, I don't think that that's too much on my shoulders.

I can't really take that responsibility.

But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition.

It's a Monday, moms and proms, et cetera.

My name is Scott Auckerman, and welcome to another episode.

Coming up a little later on the show, we have an influencer.

Whoa, okay,

now we're talking.

We've been having a good string of guests here on the show.

We've had movie stars, we've had TV stars,

we've had a podcaster here and there.

But an influencer.

This is a new territory for us.

I'm really excited about that.

We also have someone in marketing.

Someone who is the head of marketing for Little Caesars.

That's exciting.

Pizza Pizza, I believe, is their creation, probably, if I'm not mistaken.

But

that's going to be a big show.

I think this is,

I mean, we're coming right off the heels of our season anniversary episode.

This is a good lineup.

What's this now?

I'm sorry.

The levels sound great.

Whenever you're ready, we can just get going.

The levels sound good?

The levels.

The levels of what?

For the audio recording.

I'm sorry, I was hit on the head this week, and I have amnesia.

Who are you?

God bless.

God bless.

Now your head shape makes way more sense.

I just thought that was, I thought you had one of those soft spots that you had.

I thought it hammered it to make it even.

Oh, you purposely hit your head?

Yeah.

I was just trying to talk about levels.

I'm trying to level it.

Okay, well, I think the thumb look is in this year.

Who are you, sir?

Me, I'm Gino Lombardo, your intern of, I think, 12 years.

12, 14, somewhere in there.

Somewhere in there.

Over a decade, that's for sure.

How do I know that?

Yeah, I know.

That's what's crazy.

Boy, you're a sicko for the numbers.

Hold on.

I got to hit myself in the head one more time.

What do you say?

Here we go.

Holy shit.

He just smashed his head in between his two Emmys.

Oh, God.

Wow.

Okay.

Oh, Gino.

It's me, Gino.

Thank you.

Scotty Ox.

The Ox court himself.

Allie, Ali Ox and free.

Oh, dude, I'm doing fucking.

Have you graduated yet?

From Nassau Community College?

Yeah.

I'm also, I'm a student of life in a way there.

Yeah.

Plus, the pussy's good.

And the asshole.

In life.

Yeah.

Well, the pussy in life is good, but at NC Squared, these young Long Island Island kids, they fucking throw it back.

Yeah, throwing it up there.

You're an older gentleman now.

You're yeah, yeah.

I'm in my God only knows, you know, the math is, you know, I don't want to do Simpson's age.

I'm not stuck at 23.

I've got to be like is Homer supposed to be 23?

No, I'm not Bart.

I meant more like Bart's still in fourth grade.

He's still dealing with Crab Apple.

You meant year 2023.

Yeah, the year 20.

Am I still in year 2023?

Thank God.

That was a great fucking year.

Remember when everything opened back up again?

Oh, it was so awesome.

Everything

was awesome.

Politics were solved everything was good the middle east was cleaned up we're ready to fucking rip the world was sanitary and spick and span yes i don't say that anymore um my question

you're right what is uh so the levels are good so let's just so the levels are good let's take that intro again now i'll record this one oh okay what did i do i i oh god i thought it was all just ipsum lorem shit because it was boring as it was boring okay yeah you kept saying it's repetitive it's you you were being repetitive about being repetitive that sounds about right yeah you like the metatextual We all know that.

And I'm not talking about DM and fucking Zuckerberg because I have a CC.

Yes, Zuck, I'm done.

Okay.

I shut down my IG, my Finsta.

I was sliding into his.

Really, he didn't just shut you down from messaging him.

He wanted you to share.

No, he shut you down.

He's like, you know, you shouldn't even have an account.

Really?

Because I guess I was like trying to sell like weird offline supplements and stuff like that.

Oh, offline supplements.

Well, they were online, but they were off-brand.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Me and a few meatheads from the Gold's Gym on Newbridge Road in Belmore, Belmore, which I guess is now Extreme Fitness, but it'll always be Gold's Gym to me.

Me and a few fucking freak meatheads, we got together and we started working on some supplements.

And

I think you're going to really like working on some supplements.

Designing supplements, mixing

a little bit of this.

Did you know that the FDA does not cover supplements at all?

So you can kind of do whatever the fuck you want, make whatever claims you want.

So you sell it for me.

So taking other supplements and mixing them together?

Is that what it is?

Oh, all kinds.

All kinds of shit.

What are supplements?

Supplements are non-vitamins and minerals.

They're just things that like your body already maybe makes and you add a little bit more.

So for example,

we have GIS Act, J apostrophe Z-A-T.

Z-A-C-T.

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen that around.

Yeah, it's already in stores.

And JIS Act is great.

It's got, it's protein, it's creatine, it's sialis, and it's seminex.

So it gives you long boners, big loads, and then it helps repair muscle fibers.

And with the creatine, it kind of can pump up the muscles using ATP.

Okay, yeah, that seems like it would take care of all of my problems.

That's

all in one.

Like, I remember you were texting me, you have anything for low T and low loads?

And you start.

You've got saying

my loads are too small.

Because, you know, the ladies, they're always bitching about their guy's load size.

Of course.

Size matters when it comes to loads.

Yeah, hey, that's what they say.

It's the motion in the ocean.

Yeah, right.

It's the ocean itself.

How much fucking cubic volume are you bringing to the table?

Of course, of course, Gino.

How many ounces?

Of course.

Do you know the Seminex ads I'm talking about that are pop-ups?

Yes, I believe I've seen these.

I'm not giving away my search history, but I have seen these.

My search history is Alia Shawcat and I can't think of any other cast members on the John Rogers.

That's not his name.

Of what?

John Rogers?

Are you doing that?

The TV show search history.

Oh, oh.

John Early, of course.

John Early, yes, he's one of the.

So you have a metatextual search history.

Oh, yeah.

Please.

And Zuck, leave me alone.

I know you don't listen to this because you're too busy in Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighting back out your bullies of your history.

He's like, oh, Andrew Garfield, I got you in a triangle joke.

Come on, Winklevoss twins.

You try to fucking French cuff me.

He's trying to Chinese finger cuff me.

So you think he wants to fight the actors who portrayed his nemeses?

Oh, yeah, I guess.

I mean, if he beats up Army Hammer and Andrew Garfield, you know, that's going to be bad.

If those two end up dead, or I guess three.

Yeah, if Army Hammer dies twice and Andrew Garfield dies once, tick, tick, boom, I'm safe.

If I were Army Hammer, here's what I would have done.

When all that thing sat in a little shelf in the fridge forever.

No, I would have said, hey, that's my twin brother.

The guy, the cannibal one?

That's my twin brother.

That wasn't me.

That's the other one.

That's the other guy.

He's got you saw that movie, right?

He's got blue, green eyes.

I got green, blue eyes.

Yeah, exactly.

Nice try.

I'm a twin.

No, I think we should just trust the guy who was raised in Bermuda.

Jamaica.

Ooh, I want to take you.

I'm losing it here.

I'm not on my erection.

I need another.

I need to fuel up with some Jizzak.

Yeah, I pop some more of that Jizak.

Oh, the Jizak is a powder, so

I mix it in.

But these pills, these pills are, these are fucking, these are good fucking pills.

Okay, what are these pills?

They shut off your perspiration.

Oh, why would I want to do that?

It seems like I want to get it out.

Yeah, a lot of people want to sweat, but a lot of people don't want pit stains in certain situations.

But I don't reckon if you take it for more than a day and a half, you can just die from not getting rid of any toxins.

Yeah, it seems to me like you want 34 hours is the maximum amount of time you could be on this.

Is it just perspiration or does it block all fluid

coming out?

It's called Retention X.

Now we need to get some of this stuff out of our bodies sometimes.

Oh, yeah, and sometimes we don't.

Sometimes retention X.

Retention X.

Everything's kind of X to me.

You know, I was inspired by the video game Generation X, the Aerosmith shooter from the arcades.

Wait, someone shot Aerosmith in the middle of the 1000s.

No, you are Aerosmith.

You're Aerosmith shooting people?

And you fire a machine gun, but then you also have discs, CDs that you can fire.

Why would you shoot the discs?

Why wouldn't you just shoot the machine gun?

Because the classic video game thing, one is just like your traditional bullet, and then the disc is kind of like your explosive bullet.

But now you're supposed to be Steven Tyler or Joe Perry in this game?

Yes, you are Joe Perry, I believe.

I don't think you're Stephen Tyler because there's no visible scarves floating around in front of you.

Getting in the way of your explosives.

You can get shooting haphazardly as your fucking scarves are in your eyes.

Jesus Christ.

Sing woman, sing for the year.

That's a great impression.

I thank you.

Thank you.

I have heard many a Stephen Tyler impression, and that one is one of the best.

I know.

I was in the mask singer for five years, and no one even knew.

Really?

I was in the mask.

You were in the mask?

Yeah.

I recognize you now.

You were Cher's kid with the big ass.

I was in back.

I did a lot of backting in the 90s and early 2000s.

I was in the office.

The Powers franchise, of course, as we know.

We all know that.

You wrote Shock Tale, which is something I bring up every time.

I did it

with my back to Will Smith the entire entire time.

Holy shit, that's a smart move.

I had to guess what you make eye contact with that guy.

He's maybe going to slap.

Yeah, he was swinging wildly the entire time.

I was surprised the first time he got caught slapping was at the Oscars.

I know.

Because he would just slap.

My man has been slapping for generations.

He would slap all of us whenever he walked into the recording booth.

Man, parents and writers just don't understand.

That's a good point.

Gino, what is going on?

Because you, I haven't seen you now for

three months or so.

Yeah, it's around then.

I can't keep track.

Time is a flat circle, like Russ Cole says.

And for me, I've been, I actually, some good news.

I got added.

I'm adding the star to the long, Gina Lombardo's star is being added to the Long Island Walk of Fame.

Okay, the Long Island Walk of Fame.

Let me guess who's on this.

You have Billy Joel.

Correct.

And he's the majority of it.

He's the biggest star.

No, well, they have Billy Joel, and then they started just, you know, like Alexa Joel got one, Christy Brinkley got one.

Do they make the star the size of the actual star the person is?

yeah my star is super thin and it's kind of hard to tell and it's kind of in it's right next to Eddie

didn't mean body type I meant like how big of a star you are oh okay yeah well still mine's small next to Eddie Money's you know Eddie Money Eddie Money Eddie Murphy Jerry Seinfeld Eric B and Rakeem these guys are all on the walk of fame woodclough canal go down there to the nautical mile um I would you know keep your eye on your wallet and your purse when you go down there but the stars are fucking beautiful and you're getting one this is incredible is this due to your appearances on this show or uh yeah it's this show and then my own personal show that I did the Gino Lombardo show you can buy the tapes at gino.gabris.com

and

yeah so I'm very I'm very excited the ceremony is gonna be kind of a Lindsey Lohan and Mary Joe Budafuco are gonna be giving me my

I'm gonna cut the ribbon as they hold it so they they're holding they each hold

two scissors each they have two scissors

and I place the ribbon in between their two and it cuts it into three pieces.

Okay, this seems very convoluted, but I mean, it's Long Island Way.

Yes, Long Island Way.

I get one piece of the ribbon, and then a piece of the other two pieces of ribbons go to the two counties on Long Island, Nassau and Suffolk.

Oh, of course we all know those two counties.

Yeah, everyone knows the two counties on Long Island.

Everyone knows all their differences.

And if I did hyper-specific material about how motherfuckers in Suffolk be and how motherfuckers in Nassau be,

sorry, I've been watching a lot of deaf comedy jams, so I'm ready to go.

Is that where Copland was set?

No, Copland was set in New Jersey.

You're actually technically allowed to live on Long Island as an NYPD cop because it is in New York still.

I see.

Okay, wonderful.

You need an exemption.

I'm very serious for that, by the way.

I am very serious about the differences between New Jersey and Long Island, okay?

I think you were more serious about the movie Copland.

Are you fucking kidding?

Mangold?

Fucking sly?

You deaf bastard.

It's got Liota.

It's got Keitel.

Come on.

It's a Garoff.

It's got Garoff.

It's got fucking, what's his name?

Superboy, Michael Rappaport, who has not used up any of his goodwill.

They call him Superboy?

He's Superboy in the movie.

Oh, in the movie.

Oh, okay.

I thought you meant in real life.

No, I don't think people are calling him at all anymore.

Except for that.

Howard Stern and the Knicks.

I saw him on an episode of E-R.

Oh, yeah.

Very slowly.

The chemical burn.

Whoa, E-R is back or rewatching it.

It's not back.

I was re-watching it.

Yes.

I'm on a quest.

And you're a big Michael Crichton fan because you're both tall freaks, right?

Yeah, all I care about are Crichtons.

I have the full closet of it.

You're in the Crichton closet.

Crichton closet.

A lot of people.

They go to the Criterion closet.

I go to the Crichton closet.

It's got Sphere.

It's got Congo.

It's got Jurassic Park.

Disclosure.

Disclosure.

Disclosure.

Great.

Great movie.

Can we talk about the representation of virtual reality and disclosure?

So good.

When they go inside the file cabinet that's just green fucking lines.

Finally, when they finally do a movie about sexual harassment, we're turning it on its head.

I know we've never seen any depiction of it beforehand.

We've seen it.

But we never spoke to it in a movie.

But now, now, finally, it's the woman harassing the man.

That's the first one they make is when it's like, well, actually, this shit happens to boys, too.

So many movies from our childhood were about, like, well, I know I'm a bad dad and husband, but it's because my job is important.

It's like, this is definitely a screenwriter straight up writing the subjects of their life.

Like, honey, where are you?

Get back here.

I'm writing, honey.

I'm not

dome from a development executive.

Who are we kidding?

Writers don't have girlfriends.

Nah.

Writers can't get pussy, not like I can.

Podcasting interns.

I'm fucking dripping it.

And that with the star.

I'm running through shit.

Cock, pussy, ass.

You're getting it all.

I love it all.

You know me.

Pan.

Yeah, that's right.

That's my love.

You're standing with your fists on your hips like Peter Pan, right?

Yes, I'm standing like Peter Pan.

I have goat legs on the way down, like Pan.

Of course.

It's a lot of cross-panning.

And yeah, and that's confusing because I'm going back and forth with my eyes.

That's technically cross-panning myself.

Yeah.

Well, Gino, it's, I mean, it's always wonderful to have you.

It's so fucking great to be here.

You're from the East Coast.

I represent the West Coast.

I'm from the South Shore.

You're from the Southern Cal.

You know, our styles, they may be different, but they mesh together so well.

And in all honesty, we could probably do a couple of hours on the similarities between Orange County and Long Island.

I think so, especially with Huntington Beach the way it is.

It's like an hour away from a very progressive city and maybe 50 years behind it somehow.

Don't get me started on Downey either.

Oh, Downey.

Don't get it.

That's where Iffy's from.

I ate lunch there the other day.

Oh, yeah.

It was a halfway point between me and a loved one.

Oh, that's, yeah.

Is that where your mom dropped you off so your dad could pick you up and down?

Exactly.

Well, Gino, it's great to have you here on the show.

I'm looking forward to talking to our guests.

I had no idea you were going to be here.

Yeah, me neither, as a matter of fact.

I kind of just woke up and I was, I don't know, some guy at the airport.

You woke up like this?

Yeah, I woke up like this.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay, you look great.

Oh, thank you.

I feel great.

I got a great amount of sleep.

I don't know, like maybe 28 hours ago, i breathed in some guy's napkin at the airport and then i fucking woke up here it was fucking sick it sounds to me like you uh you got chloroformed oh yeah

i thought he wanted to like smell my handkerchief i was like of course stranger

wait so you have no idea where you've been for 28 hours i have no idea i i don't know if this is true but according to find my iphone i was sent to el salvador briefly

Briefly.

These guys, they're treating them like fucking dogs.

Half the guys there were just gay barbers.

I don't know how they ended ended up there.

We all have similar tattoos.

Right.

Yeah.

And so everyone thinks it's like a gang tattoo.

I have scissors.

I have scissors.

I have

barbasol.

I have the

barbeside blue juice that you can drink, and it does not taste like cool water coffee.

I think that's what I meant to say.

What is barbasol?

The shaving cream that has dinosaur still works in it?

Yeah.

Still works for,

what am I trying to say?

Barbers.

I wasn't dentists.

Dentists, barbers.

Back in the day, you would go to one for everything.

That's the thing.

Can you imagine, like, why not make it one-stop shopping?

Make all your dentists actually have to give you a shave and everything.

Like, they're already, you're already lying down there.

You should just focus on the neck up.

You just.

Neck up, check up.

Please, come on.

Can I go do a neck up, checkup?

Let me get that checkup from the neck up, son.

And you have to say it exactly like that.

You don't have to, but it helps because it gives you a little air of authority.

Let our real doctors take care of everything from the neck down.

Yeah, doctors can do my pecker, my chest, my lower back, but I want a fucking barber or dentist or a robin leech or

a bentist a bentist yes are they like those are those flexible chicks that like put their legs behind their head and go belgian oyster on you i don't know what you're talking about me that one i don't know okay well i wouldn't google it unless you want to be on a watch list

um well gino it's great to have you we are coming is it it is okay great well then let's start recording and then we can have this you haven't been recording no i just the levels i've been keeping an eye on the levels and they seem crazy what good are the levels if you haven't been recording?

Do you have a backup?

Oh, yeah, I got a backup.

Oh, okay.

Check up from the backup, baby.

Backup from the snack up.

That's what I say when I eat ass.

Okay, all right.

Well, look, the show's fundamentally like this.

It's time for a little back snack, if you will.

Okay.

You turn around, he's on his back.

Yeah, I don't want to tangle with you.

Stroke nine, little back, back, back.

We have our new t-shirts out there, by the way.

We have a neck, what was it?

Neck back up.

Check up from the neck up?

No.

Neck back pussy crack?

Let me get this exactly right because I.

I think I did.

Ass up, neck back.

That's the way I like to snack.

These are our new, and it's

a picture of a seagull with eating a sandwich.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I saw that and didn't understand it.

Okay, yeah.

Anyway, these are in the store now.

You can get them right now.

What's the link to the store?

I have no idea.

You got to throw the plug out, right?

It's in the show notes.

We can see it.

It's got to be in the show notes, although I doubt it.

Yeah, go Premium, Go Maximus, Go CBB World.

Everything we need.

Yeah.

We need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have an influencer who's going to be here.

We also have the head of marketing for Little Caesars.

Ooh, okay.

Are you a Little Caesars fan, Gino?

I know you're perilously thin.

Yeah, if I mention I'm a Little Caesars fan on Long Island, I'll be stabbed by 13 guys named Brutus.

Oh, no.

You have to be careful.

You got to be careful, yeah.

Yeah, because you've got to like local pizzas.

You've got to go to Bromolo's or Gino's, my namesake.

Bromolo's or Gino's.

Yeah, or Pizza.

Oh, I want a Gino's.

Yeah.

The thing about Little Caesars, though, is you get two pizzas, so you could could eat both of those and gain a little weight because I'm worried about you, Gino.

Oh, well, you know, don't stress about me, okay?

I'm too blessed to be stressed, Gino.

You know that about me.

I know.

You ate like 12 communion crackers the whole time we've been sitting there, right?

You're fucking jamming them down, and you say, whisper body of Christ to yourself every time.

But I don't think you mean the transubstantiation of the host.

I think you mean if you eat enough of these, you'll have the body of Christ.

That's what I'm looking for.

Goal weight.

All right.

At this point, we do have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have an influencer.

We're going to have the head of marketing for for Little Caesars plus more Gino.

What an incredible show this is.

I'll be a little quieter as the other guys come in in the beginning, but then I'll start to feel like

back to your normal level.

I understand.

When we come back, we'll have more of all of this.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang.

Scott Augerman here.

We also have Gino Lombardo from Long Island, my intern of 12 years.

Do you think it's 12?

It's got to be,

it can't be more than 13.

That I know for sure.

So it's in there.

And when it does become 13, let's just say it's 14.

Yeah, let's skip it.

just like a building like an elevator are you superstitious at all gino oh i'm very super i'm like stevie wonder i'm very superstitious yeah it's hard hard on stevie wonder he of course he of course was born without sight you know what

you didn't know this about stevie wonder i thought he loved sunglasses this i mean he's a connoisseur certainly but you know a lot of people say stevie wonder can see i know we uh yeah i mean in the between two ferns movie there might have been a scene in there where we were

considering throwing stuff at him to see if he could catch it.

Never came to pass.

We need to get to our next guest.

He

is an influencer.

That sounds very exciting.

I want to talk all about their life.

Please welcome to the show, Big Righteous.

Wow, thanks, Scott.

I'm so happy to be here.

I give Comedy Bang Bang five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Whoa, that's a lot of big bang.

I don't know what scale we're on, but that's a lot of big bangs.

I mean, it's the banger-dang scale, of course.

Oh,

how many bangs are possible to get?

Five.

You can only get five bangs.

So he's got the best score you can have.

You got the best score you can have as far as bangs are concerned.

This is awesome.

This is a great day.

And you already have two bangs in the title.

That's right.

We're seven bangs deep.

A secret seventh bang.

Wow.

This is Gino Lombardo.

This is my intern.

How's it going, Big Righteous?

I can't tell if you're a grown-up or a kid.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

I love your radio show.

I gave it four big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

I'll take it.

Four is good, man.

That's 80%.

Yeah, anything above three and a half, I think, is good.

Right.

You don't want to get half a bang.

I don't know how to say it.

I guess ba?

I guess ba.

That's a little easier than the other two letters.

You're right.

You know what?

Yes, you're right.

So, Big Righteous, tell us about being an influencer.

What do you influence?

Whom do you influence?

Where do you influence?

Why do you influence?

How do you influence, you know, the reporters?

Yes, of course.

So

i do this with my dad when it's my dad's weekend and we we we we're sort of known as the kissies boys and we we go to those grocery store kissies oh i've heard of this place yeah they kiss everything in the store they give it a little kiss it's one of the owner's personal touches yeah we've had albert rowe the owner you've met albert rowe he's my hero

he's your hero that's right wow i give him five big bangs bang bang bang bang bang

maybe one more bang that oh i i'm gonna start keeping keeping track.

Okay, yeah, Gino, that'll be your responsibility.

I'll start keeping track.

That's probably better.

So, so,

what did you say about the Kissies boys?

We're the guy, me and my dad are the Kissies boys, and we went viral on the internet.

Do you have that, Scott?

I do have the internet.

Yeah, we're logged in right now, in fact.

You're logged in?

Yeah, that's amazing.

Jacked?

Yeah, Johnny mnemonic style.

Hold on, let me jack in.

So, you,

let me figure this out.

You have a father.

I have a father.

Big Bang BJ.

Big Bang BJ is your father.

That's his name.

Big Bang BJ.

Is that his Christian name?

No, that's our name on viral videos.

I see.

So Big Bang BJ.

That's right.

He fathered you.

He sired you.

Yes.

And then at what point do you become a tandem duo act?

Well,

when it's my dad's weekends, we used to go to the store and to make things fun, like an activity, instead of just, you know, an errand, we started giving things ratings in the store okay so which store is is this the kissy store you fucking hey hey hey holy shit i think he might be a grown-up sorry no no no i'm not allowed to swear but at my dad's house i can oh i miss my dad how oh i'm so sorry my parents got a divorce scott so that's why i'm a little upset oh that's why that's a real bummer but you should just know that that happens to a lot of people who

everyone a lot of people divorce name and divorce yeah have you ever seen the splash page at Pornhub?

Everything is step siblings now.

They know.

They know.

Do they have mermaid-themed stuff on splash pages?

Oh, yeah.

Starrel had a porn.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I gave it two bangs.

So you, I'm sorry your parents are getting a divorce.

It's okay.

I give it five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

That was five.

With how sad it made you?

I'm sad because it's the dissolving of a family, but they're happier separate.

Oh, that, well, I mean, a lot of people would say that.

I mean, divorce is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it makes it.

They were both like that Nicole Kidman picture.

Eyes wide shut?

You know, when she's leaving the courthouse after her divorce.

Oh, you mean a photo?

You're not using the term picture like an old-timey Hollywood picture.

Yeah, you're not like variety slang, right?

No, hell of a picture.

Like the Nicole Kidman top liner

that made Boffo B.O.

I call them vehicles.

Okay, great.

There's a certain picture of her leaving a courthouse after a divorce.

Why have I never seen this?

I think it's falsely attributed to her leaving a courthouse, but it's been used for that.

She looks like she's having a great day.

She's like cheering.

I'm looking at Nicole Kidman leaving divorce.

And yeah, I'm seeing, I mean, what could be an older picture of Nicole Kidman.

And she like arms up cheering, and she's got like weird green caprise on, like she's at elementary school.

It doesn't seem possible that it's her, but I mean, it very well could be.

After signing the divorce papers from Tom Cruise.

TC himself.

I give Tom Cruise five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

I love all his films and his vehicles.

Dude's got a couple of motorcycles.

That's true.

A couple of cars and probably a chopper.

I don't like how he treats them.

I give them four big dangs.

Dang, dang, dang, dang.

Do you think he's ever driven a Toyota?

Tom?

Yeah.

Tom in a Toyota?

Toyota, Tom?

TC in a TC?

Toyota Corolla?

I thought you meant Camry.

No way, Camry, but Corolla, possibly.

Corolla, absolutely.

Both TC.

The Aceman.

Adam Corolla definitely drove a

Toyota Camry.

Do you think when he gets out, he just points at the car and goes, It's fine.

That was a pretty good impression, too.

Have you ever heard anyone do

what's his name, Stephen Tyler?

I don't think I have.

Let me

hit this with that one more time.

Eat that, Rich!

It's the only one thing to really get for it.

Okay, Scott, wait, I think you accidentally pressed play on an MP3.

Did you just play Get a Grip?

Everyone's favorite favorite Aerosmith album?

So, yeah,

so I see.

So, your parents are getting a divorce.

I see.

Are you missed to my whole deal, man?

I see, TC.

So, your parents are getting a divorce, but your father and you decide to go into Kissy's

stores and start raiding all of the items.

But you're not doing the kissing.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're actually not allowed to do the kissing of any of the items in the store.

That's one of the rules of the store.

It's gotten very serious.

We know because I follow the rules of the store.

We don't want to.

to we have a really good relationship with the the flagship store kissy's in downeye california and we do not want to

don't want to mess up our relationship with that store scott is that where you had lunch with a loved one i yeah i went to kissy's i believe uh well i i i don't think i've ever asked albert rowe whether he kisses the items as they leave the store or or as he puts them on the shelf he says you ask him that every time

well maybe I don't remember the answer.

Have you ever thought about that?

Well, maybe it's because the answer, not that memorable.

I believe he kisses them.

He kisses them and then puts them on the shelf one at a time.

I see.

Now, if you purchase a good from Kissies and you get it out into your car and it's yours, can you kiss it then?

That's your business and God's business.

So,

for those of you who have not heard an episode with Albert Rowe, it's a very unique

particular store.

Albert Rowe also happens to be Jeff Bezos' son.

Yeah, he's Jeff Bezos' son, but that's like, it's kind of like not his, really, his main thing.

He did go to the bottom of the ocean before all those guys started to do that.

That's right.

But it seemed unexpected when it came up.

It was pretty shocking when it became the news.

But in any case, we're not talking to Albert Reggie.

No, no, no, no, no.

I go into the- We're talking about Big Righteous.

Put some respect on my name.

Yeah, that's right.

What was your dad's name again?

Big Bang BJ?

Big Bang BJ.

You got it.

Does he influence without you, or are you exclusively a team?

Does that make sense?

He tries to do it by himself, but he's tried a bunch of different things before to get before I came into the picture.

He tried to be a professional wrestler.

He tried to sell like a muscle milk or something.

And then luckily enough, he had a wonderful kid who's as charismatic as you are, and then he was able to hoist his dreams on you.

That's right.

And it doesn't matter whether I like doing it or not.

Do you not like doing it?

Because I'm not a big fan of children monetizing their childhoods, you know.

Well, you should be allowed to just be a kid enjoying things and rating things for fun, not putting it out on the internet.

I rate my own stuff for fun.

Not all of it makes it to the videos.

Yeah.

You know?

Like, what are you rating these days?

Well, you know, I rated comedy bang bang.

That's why I would not.

That's making it to error, though, on this show.

I'm monetizing.

Yeah, but that's for here.

I wouldn't do that on, I wouldn't do that on my channel.

Why?

Is the show not big enough?

Yeah, the show's not big enough.

It's not as big as the loaf of whole wheat bread that you guys rated from Kids.

Because that video got 3.6 billion views.

It's now the most watched Instagram reel.

Of all time.

of all time and that's just reels whoa they might bring back vine it beat out charlie bit me

charlie who's charlie bit me

the little boy that he bit the the he bit the finger i don't know you don't know charlie bit my finger i don't i don't tend to watch internet videos

i feel i know no disrespect but i feel like they're a waste of time i gotta say you say no disrespect you say it right to my face no disrespect but i don't respect you i don't feel respected i feel disrespectful you shouldn't because i don't actually respect it's a generational thing you understand?

You do viral videos.

He does like a medium that people listen to while doing other things.

But you have to think about it all this in this exact same way.

Whether it's a viral video, a podcast, a feature film, it's all under the umbrella of content.

And that laundry part.

Get fucking bent, kid.

I was on this kid's side for a while.

I perform content that you can do your laundry while you do.

I don't believe I could do my laundry while watching your videos.

Oh, you can.

I don't know.

I would put soap in the wrong hole or whatever.

You're right.

You couldn't.

Oh, you got to be careful with that.

Your eyes lit up when I did the wrong hole.

Yeah.

Well, because this is the first time you've said it in a safer context

rather than when we're just wrestling in your pool.

But no disrespect.

I don't really enjoy anything that you do or really.

That's okay.

That's fine.

Or think that your life is worthwhile.

But tell me.

Hey Red just don't feel bad.

He says the same thing about me and I work for him.

Hey, you know what?

That makes me feel a lot better, Gino.

You know, this so far, I got to say, I think I got to take a bang away what you can undo bangs if I give a dang it counts as a negative bang so four bangs one dang I might give one dang do you see the way this is going I might give one dang do you give that as a full review because is a four bangs with no other words said is a four banger but if you say four bangs then one dang what are you saying there I might have to issue a sort of a notes app apology and redact

another one another one yeah you saw my first one yeah I saw your first one DJ Khaled.

Look, I.

This sounds like a conflict of interest.

What did he apologize for?

Not eating pussy?

No, he just had another one.

Another one.

But, well, I mean, this sounds like great, great, great bit of income for you.

Oh, yeah.

We're making a lot of money doing this.

And

we said that you said we.

What's that?

Are you seeing a lot of the money?

Yeah.

Is your dad sharing the money with you?

Oh,

because you're head to toe in your own merch.

And I don't know if, like, I know.

I'm worried that he's not buying you clothes.

He's not buying you food.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, he bought me, he bought me this.

He bought me these clothes.

Merch from your store?

Yeah, no.

He's not buying you clothes.

That's paying, you know, I'm sure he gets some of those for free.

Those look like the irregular sizes, too.

Yeah, there's one long sleeve, one short sleeve.

Both the armholes are on one side.

Yeah, that's really a comfortable shirt to wear.

But you're making it worse.

I saw you ride your bike up to the studio.

It was very confusing.

Yeah, I thought this was just like a new shirt that they were trying out, an F shirt.

Instead of a t-shirt.

Got it.

Yeah.

Got it.

Loved it.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

See, you can give them out too.

Anyone can give out big.

Then why should we watch your videos if anyone can?

Because you don't know if it's guaranteed unless I do it.

Your voice got very low right now.

I thought you were trying to steal my action, dog.

Can Jim Parsons give them out?

Jim Parsons is allowed to give him up out, but he's also, he's got to say, Bazinga.

Okay.

He was grandfathered into the bangs, was he not?

He was young Sheldon into it, actually.

Well, Grandfather Sheldon is coming this fall.

This is a good idea, Grandfather Sheldon.

That's actually not that bad.

Bazinga child.

I'm an osher child.

I'm an old virgin.

I'm what they used to call a nerd.

And now I've been conscripted into the Water Wars to fight on behalf of the Liberal Army.

I think the concept of Water World gets three big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang.

It's not bad.

The concept of it or the film?

The concept of it.

The film, the idea of a water world.

The vehicle, not so good, but the idea, they could do it again.

It's a hell of a picture.

I think it's primed for a reboot.

But in any case, I hope things work out for you.

I hope so, too.

I think everything's going to work out just fine.

Dad said when he comes back from his vacation to Dubai that he was going to get me

a triple-dipped ice cream cone from Kissy's, and I give those five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

I guess this begs the question, does he kiss the cones after they've been made?

Or does Albert just kiss the

bad of ice cream?

Ooh.

You know, there was always a little bit of lip, a lip sort of

indentation of the swirl.

It's all soft serve, of course.

I think he's kissing it after.

He's kissing it, and it's soft serve, so he's kissing it once it's on the cone.

Yeah, once it's on the cone.

I guess we have other things to do as a guy who runs a grocery store.

Other than making millions?

Yeah.

Dude, that's not a good idea.

I think I saw one of your dad's videos.

He's posting a lot from Dubai.

He was doing a muscle car, like he was driving a supercar with like four women in hijabs.

That's him.

Yeah, he's on what he calls

a Furious Seven vacation.

Oh, I love that.

Trying to jump from tower to tower.

Yeah, he wants to do it.

He said he's going to do it, and I think he's going to do it.

I give his vacation one big bang.

You're lonely.

I'm sort of indifferent about the vacation, if I'm being honest.

Big righteous, I'm worried about you.

You seem lonely.

Your father is kind of a deadbeat dad.

It's your father's weekend, and he's in Dubai.

And so you're just off on your own, like emancipation style.

Yeah, he said no kids allowed.

And I couldn't stay at the kissy store by myself.

They closed the shop at night at the normal grocery store.

In some ways, it's normal.

That's the thing that nobody's really focused on the stuff that's weird about it, but it's also just

they have groceries.

It meets 99% of the criteria for a grocery store, does it not?

Yeah, the 1% is the weird stuff.

Ralph goes around and fingers all his goods.

I don't know what Vaughn does, that fucking Dutch freak.

You don't want to know.

And the son of Albert?

No son of mine.

Albertson's, though.

Why isn't Albert Rowe Albertson?

Maybe he should have a kid and call it Albertson.

You know, that that makes a lot more sense.

I feel like we want to build up his mythology more than yours.

Is that a problem for you?

No, it's not a problem for me at all because, like I said, he's my hero and I love him dearly.

Oh, man.

I think you got to have him back on.

We got to get him back on.

What are you doing now?

Honestly, Big Righteous,

you're kind of like, I'll give you three bangs.

You give me three bangs?

Yeah.

I'll give you one slow, long bang.

But Albert Rowe.

So far, I'm at four.

Albert Rowe gets five total.

You get five big bangs.

I can't disagree with you there.

I think, I mean, if I can grow up and be half the man that he is, I'd be half a man, wouldn't I?

Yeah, I mean, just as a guest on this show, he gets a total five bangs.

The guy who keeps repeating, I'm just naming out random guests.

The guy who keeps repeating his day over and over again, he gets like four bangs.

Okay.

The guy who wants to.

That's interesting because you seem to like him more.

I do like him, but the guy who wants to be a mech, he's like a one-bang.

One, that's one.

That's actually, I would say that's like five dangs, if I'm being honest.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm just naming random guests who have been on this show before.

There's certainly a couple others you can think of, right?

Nope.

But big righteous.

Now, I don't understand your name, Big Righteous.

I don't get it.

What's righteous about what you do, or like, where does it come from?

You're not even big, and you're smaller than your dad.

No, yeah, you're right.

You both have big in your name.

It's kind of weird.

Well, he's Big Bang BJ.

Yeah, no, my thing is I'm little, but I'm also like, I'm his big son.

Okay.

So you're his little big son.

I'm his little big son.

And I sort of like, what's might as well be big little, son.

I don't know what that is.

Is that Smash Mouth?

Yeah.

So I get it.

Walking on the sun.

It fit the cadence.

Yeah, just about kind of,

in a way.

It's not a, hey, this ain't fucking off book, okay?

We can let it rip here.

We can fire from the hip a little.

If you're looking for a good podcast to listen to, though, if you're in the middle of this one going, big righteous, not for me, head over to off-books.

Yeah, there's like, they'll take care of that.

You could have chose anyone to have been the triggering reason to switch podcasts, but you chose Big Righteous.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe go ahead and listen to episode 301.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Knowing that is embarrassing.

Well, Big Righteous, you're kind of a dud.

I'm kind of a dud.

You're kind of a dud.

I'm going to give you a dang.

Dang.

I'll dang your dang.

I'm going to give you a dang right back.

I'm going to give you two, in fact.

Dang, dang.

Let go of him.

Let go of the spot That's it.

He spanked me.

I danged you.

I didn't spank you.

I'm pretty sure he's a kid, but he has a mustache and visible pews.

Why'd you wear these shorts?

I think the white, very mesh shorts that you can sell

and they're low-rise.

You sell white, low-rise, pre-wets, pre-shorts and shorts.

I thought we liked wet here.

I thought this was like a whole wet day.

It's not wet day here.

That was in April.

I'm not allowed to talk about eating pussy, but we can talk about wet all day long.

Well, look, Big Righteous, we have to take a break.

Can you stick around, though?

I'll stick around because maybe you'll be additive for the third segment.

Who could say?

At this point, who could say?

I got two guesses.

All right, when we come back, we're going to have the head of marketing for Little Caesars.

You a Little Caesars fan, Big Righteous?

Pizza Pizza.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

That could get up to 10 bangs, I think, for five percent.

Pizza.

All right, we're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more Gino, more Big Righteous, plus the head of marketing for Little Caesars.

will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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And then they're totally different

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Comedy bang bang!

Cut back to Scott talking here.

Yeah, thanks, Gino.

Yeah, cut back to me.

Comedy bang, bang, welcome back.

We have Gino Lombardo, of course.

Bang.

He's saying bang.

It's addictive almost to say bang.

It's funny to say.

It is.

I'm going to be driving around, pointing my finger at people, screaming bang all day long.

I'm not sure that's the right thing to do.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

We also have big righteous.

I'm a pretty Italian looking.

But big righteous, lonely little boy who decided to go on a podcast on

his day off on his weekend where his dad was not in Dubai.

I'm in this sort of nebulous space.

It's my dad's weekend.

He's not here.

I can't be at my mom's.

It's not her weekend.

This is sort of like Schrodinger's Big Righteous.

Where am I supposed to be?

Scott is technically a dad.

That's true.

I'm at dad's house.

Do you want to go to Kissy's with me and rate some stuff?

I wouldn't mind going down to Downey again this week.

There's so many things.

With a different loved one?

With a hated one on your band?

I don't know if you can.

Someone I don't care for?

Someone I actively dislike?

A non-plussed one?

I've been nothing but nice.

Oh, really?

Didn't you give me a dang earlier?

I give you a dang.

Wow, you were really offended by that person?

I was offended by you.

One dang.

You took away a bang and you gave me a dang.

One dang in 16 years.

And look at you.

Humiliating.

Yeah.

This is our 17th year, by the way.

17?

Pardon my French.

Holy shit.

Bang, bang, and drive.

All right, we need to get to our next guest.

Please do it.

It's all you.

Look, this is what I know about him.

He is the head of marketing for Little Caesars, and he's here right now.

Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lawton Getty.

Hey, Scott.

Thanks for having me.

Hey, my pleasure.

Lawton, this is Gino.

Hi, Lawton.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Gino.

This is Big Righteous.

Bang, bang.

Nice to meet you.

That was for me?

That was just, yeah, I don't know yet.

Two off the top.

Not great.

But I'm doing great.

I'm glad to be here.

Hey, it's great to have you.

Business is booming.

What can I say, Scott?

Have you been to one of our stores lately?

Business at Little Caesars?

Yeah.

Like people go into them?

Briefly,

we have an innovative design in the store that was one of my ideas, which is three seats max.

Two facing the window, one a wall.

And it's exclusive dining in there.

It's one of my favorite places to eat.

I go to Little Caesars for lunch and then I eat in-store at edible arrangements for dessert.

Sure, of course.

Sure, if you're still hungry, we try to fill you up, though.

Try to fill you up for the whole day.

Yeah.

It's doable.

And it's on a budget, too.

That's right.

Yeah.

It's a cheap pizza, and you get a lot of it.

You do.

And when I say business is booming, anything that goes bad in this world, we are immune to it.

Okay?

We're recession-proof.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of restaurants went under during COVID.

We went over.

You went over.

Yeah, over the top, into the green.

We benefited a lot from it.

So now, how long have you been with the company, if you don't mind, Lawton?

Oh, a very long time.

I'm actually some of the inspiration for how they got going.

I'm from Detroit, where they started.

They started in Detroit.

Yeah, Little Caesars was Detroit-style people.

You don't think I could be from Detroit?

I mean, I don't know what I grew up with Eminem.

You grew up with him.

I can prove it.

Okay.

You know, it's not actually his real name.

Oh.

Marshall Mathers.

Marshall Mathers.

Oh, shit.

Well, the real Marshall Mathers, please stand up.

I can't be making it up if I know that.

Okay, so you grew up with Eminem.

But I thought Little Caesars predated Eminem because quite honestly, I don't believe I've had Little Caesars since perhaps the late 80s, if not the early 90s, before Marshall Mathers and Eminem were a concern.

He was still alive then.

He was alive.

That's a good point.

Is he a concern?

I mean, you know, before he was topping the charts.

Scott would hate to get dissed on a track.

He was a concern to white parents in the 90s.

Oh, yeah.

What did he say?

You know how he would diss and sync members and

spears.

Patrick, you can get your ass kicked.

Yeah,

it's brutal.

A lot of our sacred cows he was taking aim at.

I'm too close to the Matters, so I can't say I'm blind to his disses because I grew up with him.

I like him.

He's too close to the Mathers.

Yeah.

Did he ever talk about you on one of his records?

No, because I made sure to stay on his good side.

How does one do that with Eminem?

Well, if you're nice to him, talk to him like a person, Scott, then he treats you in kind.

I didn't know that.

That's good to know.

That's all you got to do.

Okay.

Not, why don't you try that?

Why don't you try it with Big Righteous?

Act like he's a fucking person.

I mean, he's barely a person.

Big Righteous.

Big Righteous is a total zero.

What the?

Look at him.

Scott.

I know you're a lonely little boy or a lonely old man.

I don't know which one.

I certainly am lonely.

I know you don't want to record

like Yoda or something.

Yeah, but look, okay, so you've been working for Little Caesars for a while.

What inspired them?

I mean, the fact that they have two pizzas?

That's how they got the pizza pizzas, you know?

It's as the idea is that you're getting two for the price of one.

That was my idea.

Okay.

I started with them early on, and I inspired one of their biggest things, as you know.

In college, I was sort of a, I think I was kind of a popular guy.

And I would go into parties and stuff, and I would, you know, introduce myself.

People would be like, oh, yeah.

You would go to parties.

You were so popular, you had to introduce yourself.

That's how you interact.

Isn't that how you go into a party?

Well, I mean, normally you meet a few people, and then they know you for the next party.

It did make sense to me.

Yeah, trying to get to know people.

I was a kind of a.

Sounds like Scott's never been to a party before.

Hey, fuck you.

All right, I don't say that that often on this show, but Big Righteous.

You do enough.

You fucking suck.

What the heck?

Dang.

Dang.

So you would go to these parties, Lot.

Don't mind Big Righteous.

I haven't been.

I apologize.

On his behalf, I apologize, in fact.

I'm great.

Are you wearing a toga to these parties?

Or other people have togas on?

The toga came later.

Okay.

Now, that little drawing is inspired by me, though.

That's supposed to be me.

Oh, shit, I see now.

You got that huge nose, and your face is facing away from me.

It's a caricature, but yeah.

Well, I mean, you don't have...

He has a huge nose.

The drawing is actually very accurate.

It doesn't seem like a caricature at all.

It seems like a life two-scale drawing.

Well, you can see why it was popular in college.

You're very tiny, I have to say.

I'm little.

It was just going to be Caesar's before.

And then, well, anyway, the party story.

I go in and I introduce myself, as anyone does at a party.

I'm Lott and Getty, you would say.

And people would be like, oh, look at this guy, Lott and Getty.

He's hot and ready.

They would say this.

They would say that.

And I assume complimentarily.

And I told this story when I got hired at Caesars, and they were like, that's it.

Hot and ready.

Hot and ready.

Yeah.

And so Lott and Getty, he's hot and ready.

Yeah, that's it.

Became the tagline for.

And I don't think they were making fun of me for the record.

I think it was a compliment.

What did they mean?

It's hard-pressed to figure out how it's complimentary, but also, to be fair, how it's offensive also.

So it just kind of feels, it feels more sexual than anything.

It feels like they're.

I took it as a sexual compliment.

Yeah, you're hot and ready.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I told that story in the offices when I first started there, and they all laughed, you know, I assume in my favor with me, not at me.

And then they used it in their slogan, and it just became, it caught on.

It caught on.

Wow.

And so, so this drawing of you,

which seems mean-spirited.

I'm sensing that now.

I hadn't thought of it.

Although it was although very accurate.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I don't wear the toga everywhere.

I guess what I mean to say when I say it's accurate and mean-spirited is if I were to be drawing you, I would maybe like, you know, soften out some of your rough edges a little bit, try to make you a little more handsome, you know, but this is eerily accurate.

Well, it sells pizzas.

A handsome little drawing might not sell pizzas.

This guy's fucking schnazz and weird hair and with tiny little body.

It's

no hair.

Yeah, yeah.

Got a little crown of

leaves, I guess.

Oh, I always thought that was male-patterned baldness.

That makes a lot more sense.

We're going with the full Julius.

It's leaves, yeah.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, is it seems like they're making fun of you.

Like they're, they're calling the business hot and ready.

They're saying little Caesars, talking about your height.

Yeah, they're showing us how ugly you are by giving a very accurate representation of what you look like.

I thought I was gonna step up the picture, but

so before you got hired, it was Caesars, and then they saw you and they thought you were so little that they had to change the name of the business to little Caesars.

And then to make fun of you, you told a story about everyone making fun of you, saying you were hot and ready at a party, and they they

named the or I guess they

attributed that to the pizzas that your place sells.

This all is correct.

It's interesting.

Sometimes you don't see a story from a perspective until it's pointed out to you

that potentially this was some sort of denigrating me as a person.

I'm seeing that now, but you know, I've got a good job.

It's not like I want to get rid of it.

I want to stay at the company.

What do you do?

I mean, how much do they pay?

It's a good idea.

They don't pay you?

Well, in pizza.

They pay you in pizzas?

Yeah.

Just cheap-ass, disgusting pizzas.

No offense, Little Caesars.

If you're going to be a sponsor, if all you eat is Little Caesar's Pizza, then I take back.

You actually are very good-looking, man.

Because that's crazy.

Because if you're living off Little Caesar's Pizza, you look amazing.

Thank you very much.

And yeah, you know, the ingredients, they're not great.

We know that.

We keep the price low because, and we're going to make it lower just to be kind of a big fuck you to everything.

You're going to go the other way.

The prices are going.

Yeah, if everything's going up, we're going to go down

and just show people that they're going going to buy it regardless.

It's not like your pizza is as disgusting as Domino's, where they had to put out commercials talking about how disgusting it was.

They changed their recipe publicly.

The sauce is worse.

They admitted it.

We don't admit it.

We just say you're going to eat it regardless.

So

we don't have to admit to anything.

We're going to make the price lower.

And maybe we'll even add another pizza to this to the.

So you're going to lower the prices.

So it'll be pizza, pizza, pizza?

Yeah.

Maybe we'll change the punctuation.

Maybe pizza question mark, pizza, dot, dot, dot, pizza, exclamation point.

Okay, pizza, pizza, pizza,

pizza, yeah.

It creeps up, it's questioning it, and then it creeps up, and then you explode it.

Oh, I like this, I like this a lot.

There's a big load for you, and oh, finally, let me interest you in Seminex stuffed crust.

That'd be great.

But I do worry about you.

Well, here's Lott and Getty.

Something I like about Lott and Getty's theory here is if you make the pizza so shitty and so cheap, you're almost daring people to complain about it.

That's right, yeah.

Because if they complain about it, you know what you're in for.

What do you expect?

What do you expect?

They basically didn't even pay money for it.

So

what did you want for it?

What do you want?

A refund?

Here's a dollar back.

The pizza was ready when you walked in, babe.

It was ready before you knew you wanted it.

Hot and red.

It's not cold and waiting.

It's

right now.

This is what people would say at the parties about that.

It's Lott and Getty.

Yeah, they would say that at the parties after I introduced myself.

Yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Lotton, can I ask you something?

I guess.

Are you maybe thinking about, I don't know, having a brand ambassador in your commercials?

Well, we have the little guy that's based on me.

What else do we need?

What about a different little guy?

A different little big guy.

I could give the pizzas, I don't know, a rating.

Oh, you.

Big Righteous has now fashioned his clothing into a toga style.

Yeah, I wish I could get paid in pizzas.

I just get paid in the clothes on my back.

So many pubes.

The F shirt is ready to tie around the shoulder, though.

It's like three-quarters of the way they had a toga.

I am worried about you.

I mean, you're not drawing a salary.

It seems like they're making fun of you.

Well, you know what?

Again, I hadn't realized that till this exact moment.

The salary thing I had an inkling of,

you know, but I don't need much.

I've got the toga on my back, a roof over my head.

What's

ironic, I guess, is that I work for Little Caesars, but I live in an abandoned pizza hut.

Okay.

This is not good.

You You should have.

No, they're

very roomy.

I mean, yeah, they have.

Have you ever been in one?

In an unabandoned one?

Oh.

The big red cups, the lamps.

They're still left in the place.

I use them.

Oh, those glass lamps.

I give those five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

I love 90s aesthetics.

But look, you should be...

paid in money, money that you trade for rent for an apartment.

Of course,

we don't think you're going to own, but, you know, I.

Well, I've got a rent-free place right now.

And if anything goes bad, I'm going to reach out to Marshall and he'll make sure that he'll cover me.

Yeah, I mean, if you know Marshall and you're such good friends with him, could you call him up or anything like that?

I probably could.

But again, I'm living large right now.

Extra large.

Like Bigfoot.

That was you guys, right?

The Bigfoot pizza in the 90s?

I don't remember.

I remember having that at a sleepover party and it changed my fucking life when it overlooked.

What are the characteristics of the Bigfoot pizza?

It's an enormous enormous square pizza.

It's very blurry.

It's new.

It's got its hog out, and you can only eat it in the Pacific Northwest.

Now, I want to say you're kind of on,

was it Lawton Meester?

What was your name again?

Lawton Getty.

Lawton Getty.

Easy because it rhymes with hot and ready.

Right, that's how I should remember it.

Lawton Ready, you're on his case of.

So even you know, it rhymes with hot and ready.

I just, I'm realizing it now today.

Today's big.

Thanks for coming on.

I don't talk to a lot of people, so I'm saying a lot of things out loud and hearing them for the first time.

How did you get booked on this show?

I mean, well, I was delivering, and I was the head of marketing delivers pizza.

I'm realizing I might not be the head of marketing.

It doesn't seem like you are.

It seems like

the only person who called you that so far has been Scott 25 times Alita.

It sounded great.

You don't think you're in like a dinner for schmucks situation, are you?

You know that popular, popular movie, Dinner for Schmuck.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a Corel head.

You've seen it all, right?

I've seen enough.

Four seasons?

I get it.

Yeah.

His deal, I get it.

Fox catcher?

We're on Hot and Ready's case over here a lot, but you're busting his balls about making money, but he is objectively the happiest person at this table.

That's a good point.

All of us are way more depressed.

I mean, I'm not depressed, but my life is twisted.

Me, I'm stuck in a dead-end job for the past 16 years.

Yeah, 17.

Me, I miss my dad.

Ugh.

I mean,

we could learn a lot from you.

I think so.

This is the way to live, like carefree, want not

end of sentence.

You should have a job writing aphorisms.

You think?

Want not end of sentence.

I could.

I mean, I've been the head of marketing, so I suppose I could just slide into that kind of work, too.

What did you want to do with your life, Lawton, when you were growing up?

I'm presuming a short little weirdo.

Yeah, did you want to be in G-Unit?

I mean, that was

the crew.

I guess I was running that D12.

D12 is actually, I mean, you know, G-Unit is still

sort of a hip-hop collective.

Well, no, adjacent to him because of 50 cents.

Yeah.

Being a protege of Eminem's as well.

I didn't do anything big.

I didn't dream big.

Thanks for jumping in and saving me on that, by the way.

You just waited for me to get away from it.

Do you have that white guys explain in D12?

Yeah.

You were hanging yourself with your own rope, and I thought I'd step right in.

I didn't need a lot growing up.

You know, my dad,

he was doing his own thing at the time, and not unlike your situation.

What was your, what'd your dad do?

He was my papa.

Okay.

He was also in the business.

The pizza business?

Yeah.

I don't.

Wait, wait, wait.

His name's not John, is it?

It is, yeah.

Why?

Do you know him personally?

No, I just, there's a different pizza chain called Papa John's.

I don't know.

it's it's papa john's what's it called if it's his pizza red baron uh i i actually don't know i think it's called papa john i think it's called papa oh it's named after him yeah it's like got the apostrophe that like gives it the possessive it's his pizza like ruth's chris but less apostrophes than ruth's chris has ruth's chris has more apostrophes than the language from pandora huh

it's a good slam right pretty good take that ruth or chris well i don't know what and getty i i i feel sorry for you not as much you've said that a lot not as much as i feel sorry for big righteous but yeah a lot of depressing guys on this one but i'm not i'm happy so again maybe the happiest one here that was true i agree gotta have more women on the show to just cheer it up a little bit i mean you got now you're reading the red just three losers here on the show are men inherently sadder i think so these days these days yeah they're being told that they can't be men anymore i know it sucks all i know is i'm yeah i can't say anything anymore And it's not just me that's lonely, it's all men, apparently.

It's an epidemic.

We treat women like shit and then wonder why we're alone.

I give the concept of men five big bangs: bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Wow.

Hell yeah.

See, that's what we need to make ourselves feel better here as men.

We should be male allies.

That's right.

Yeah, there's not to be allies for men.

Yeah.

Men need more places to hang out and be men.

A flag that's just black and white stripes, like a referee.

I like this idea.

This boring fucking flag.

Well, Lott and Getty, I'm afraid we're running out of time.

Does that surprise you?

It doesn't.

I was just trying to think of an incel pizza.

So

the wheels are turning.

Yeah, how's that thought process going?

I'm feeling frustrated.

I need to take out that anger on something, but I don't know.

But who knows?

But I'm happy most of the time.

So except when I'm reminded that men are not.

That's great.

Well, we are running out of time, unfortunately.

I just told you that.

You asked if it came as a surprise.

It didn't the first time.

It didn't the second.

I don't know

where you are.

But look, we are running out of time.

How much time do we have left?

Oh, what?

There's only time for one final feature on the show.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

All right, that was plugs by Arsinio Corridor.

Thanks to Arsinio Corridor.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs.

I like that pun a lot.

You liked it?

And uploaded.

What are we plugging?

Gino, do you have anything to plug?

Yeah, you can listen to one episode of the the Gino Lombardo show a month on the Maximus tier, I believe, whatever the top tier is.

Dripping it out.

We're dripping it out.

Because

it doesn't have its seminex.

That's what we are.

So it's just

a little drip drip.

So you can get that there.

And if you want all 30 episodes in a commemorative little cassette tape with some original art from a Long Island artist, you can go to gino.gabris.com and buy a USB drive that has all 30 episodes.

Now, is there another show?

Because I know you like this comedian from Long Island.

Oh, yeah.

Is there another Eddie Murphy?

No, I'm talking about John Gabris.

Is there another podcast that

may be the reason that yeah, no, I know.

I was going to get to it.

Don't you worry.

I've been told.

I got my marching orders.

Yeah,

there's this podcast.

It stars John Gabris.

Stars is a big word.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he's a podcast.

Yeah, he co-hosts a podcast.

And he's not even the star.

The real star is his co-host.

You might know him from Champagne Ill or Indebted.

That's Adam Pally, TV's Adam Pally.

TV's Adam Pally.

He requests that as his title.

But I've heard that he feels he's a movie star and too big to do podcasts.

Yeah, he brings that up a lot

on the few episodes I've watched so far and listened to.

Sorry, we're not.

Actually, you know what?

It is being filmed too.

It's on YouTube.

You can watch it on YouTube.

It's called Staying Alive, like the BG song.

And what is this all about?

It's a health and wellness podcast from the unhealthy and the unwell.

So John Gabris, you know, famous fucking genius, kind of like a comics comics comic who's never really popped for some reason.

Still young, still handsome, but, you know, he's figuring his life out.

Sure.

And then Adam Pally, kind of has been movie actor.

And the two of those guys together host this.

And they have on both comedian friends and then also doctors and luminaries in the health and wellness community.

And these guys are unhealthy and unwell, both physically and also in their heads.

Yeah, they're mentally unwell and physically unhealthy.

for sure.

Or either way, you want to say that.

But yeah, they're not doing great.

And sexually, they're disgusting.

And they they seem to bring out the worst in each other don't they some people would say that some people would say that their partnership is going to be their undoing in the long term and uh that maybe they should just remain friends and not attach each other some of uh the the friends of either of these people have worried about maybe we need to extricate themselves yeah because

they used to have a show called 101 places to party before you die they only got to eight places uh hbl max or max.com uh they only got to eight places so then they were like fuck it we need to flip the coin we're dying soon yeah let's get a podcast about staying alive all right well this is i mean it sounds like a great show and it's out right now it's out right now uh what do they say wherever you listen to your podcast that's right and also youtube you can watch it you can watch it yes that's right we are um undercutting union television by making full-blown youtube series and would you suggest people watching these guys like looking at them for this long well i would say do whatever however you prefer to uh engage with podcasts but uh the hosts of staying alive are more traditionally attractive than most podcast hosts.

Oh, you don't say, yeah, they're pretty fucking good-looking guys, and not just like comedy-good-looking, like actually good-looking.

Should podcasters have their own calendar, like firemen, do you think?

Yeah, like Stavi

if you got the balls, or the bod, however, you want to free, or the walls, as we say for the ladies.

Balls to the walls.

If you got the walls, got blue walls.

My wife's got blue walls.

I got to get home and tag her.

Oh, this sounds great.

It's called Staying Alive.

Staying Alive.

They are being sued by the Begs right now.

So that dealer gets to them.

Yeah, that's a way to get famous.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'll do whatever.

Big Righteous, what are you plugging here?

Well, I got to plug my favorite comedian's social media.

He reposts all my videos.

Matt Apodaka on all social media platforms.

And then also his podcast, Get Played, where he talks about video games with Nick Weiger and Heather Ann Campbell.

And they're all so funny.

Yeah, that's a great show.

That's a collection of very funny, very normal people.

They're very normal, and they have normal thoughts, and they interact with people in a normal way.

Yeah.

Famously.

Maybe there's a 1% that's weird about them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The eye contact lasts for exactly how long you want it to.

Yeah, but 99% of the time, they're normal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They won't drill down on something for too long.

I noticed you're really hammering Nick and Heather, but I think all three of the hosts are fucking weird.

Look, one of them gives too much eye contact.

The third guy.

I can't tell if that guy's a grown-up or a kid.

He's making up for the lack of eye contact in the other direction.

Oh, I get it now.

Well, this sounds good.

And Lott and Getty,

what do we want to plug?

Yep.

Speaking of walls, did you know, you know that Sheena Eason song, Sugar Walls?

Sugar Walls, yeah.

I had no idea how filthy that was until I was grown up.

Yeah, I listened to that many times and no idea how disgusting and depraved it is.

Prince wrote it.

Prince wrote it.

Yeah, yeah.

He's disgusting.

He's a filthy guy, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Famously a hornball.

Yeah.

I'm going to plug,

this is coming out.

We don't know the date, but the season finale of the show ghosts is going to be on cbs this coming thursday and then on paramount plus the next day well uh it'll be out i think uh by the time this comes out i would imagine well it won't be then it won't have been scrubbed from the internet yet so you can watch it you think it's going to be scrubbed i don't think it's going to be scrubbed you don't think it will but just in case this episode comes out before the season finale there's probably some episodes that aired beforehand that people can catch on can catch up on and they're all on paramount plus

what's your stake in ghosts here like why do you care about this show uh sitting in the back of the you know, Little Caesars, we only get rabbit ear antennas, so it's, I can only watch one of the main four channels, and that's the one I like.

I mean, yeah, it excuse older, but not ghosts.

Ghosts is for all ages from 9 to 99.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good for that.

They make sex jokes that are too

mature

eight-year-olds can't watch it, and 100-year-olds would have heart attacks.

So, 9 to 99,

9 to 99 is the right move.

I fucking love that show, Ghosts.

It's got some of my favorite people on it: BSJ, BS, Betsy Siddhar own Brandon Scott Jones for the non-comedy influenced.

But Kush.

Oh, fuck.

So many great people on that show.

I can name almost all of them.

It's probably too frightening.

I'm kind of tapped at this point.

The Viking.

The Viking guy

is.

Did they change his name?

They were going to make like famous ghosts in there, you know, like Tupac or anything like that.

They have, well, they have to have died on the property.

So they, and they can't leave the property.

So they have had Al Capone.

It's not about ghosts.

Al Capone died on that property?

they used him in a flashback, okay.

Interesting, there was a party there that he attended, uh, famous ghost, no, though Alexander Hamilton, uh, that's they've used him in a flashback as well.

Okay, okay, um, my a lot of owls, a lot of famous owls, yeah, weird Al is he gonna die on that property, God will be there

if all goes according to plan.

One of the actors, uh, John Hartman, on there, his dad actually did suggest why are there no children on there, and I had to explain that would have been we have to explain a child ghost and why it worked for Casper.

It did.

Yeah.

So he's not so dumb, is he?

My dad?

His dad?

His dad.

My dad?

Casper's dad?

No, my dad owns a pizza.

I'm John's.

Yeah, I'm the owner of Red Baron right now.

Yeah.

The owner of Red Baron.

Yeah.

And you can also just check out at John L.

Hartman.

Fantastic.

I'm going to plug, head over to cbbworld.com.

This is where you get the aforementioned Gino show, one a month, as God intended.

Oh, yeah.

And we also have ad-free episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, the entire archive, every single episode we've ever done, as well as all of the live episodes.

You have my movie show, Scott Hasn't Seen.

We finished up Month Month recently,

where we did all movies that had months in the title.

Ooh.

Yeah, it was an incredible, incredible month, and just very satisfying for everyone involved.

We also have College Town, the neighborhood listen.

We have CBB presents like, hey, Randy.

Yeah, we have Who Me with with the Batman.

We have Will, I'm Heinz to Prov You or something like that.

Bill Walton.

Bill Walton.

Yeah, Walton.

We have

this book saved my life.

So many great shows over there.

If you're just listening to this show, you should go over there.

And someone said to me the other day, you know, you should talk about how cheap it is because I assumed it was, you know, $800, $900 for this.

No, it's a fraction of that.

Oh, a fraction of $900?

I'm in.

Tell me no more information.

I don't need a numerator numerator or a denominator.

I'm ready to rick.

No, it's way cheaper than that.

Head over to CBB World and get on the plans.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open the black bag with me, dude.

Open the black bag with me, dude.

Just please don't close it and be rude.

Please don't close it and be rude.

Didn't we use this one already on the 16th anniversary episode?

Pretty sure we did.

Anyway, that was Dub Me Dude by Ross Brackett.

If it wasn't that one, it was very similar.

Having just listened to it, I think it was.

I give it five big bangs.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Brett, you can end the episode right before the bang.

Well, guys, and I do mean guys, I want to thank you so much for

being on the show.

Gino, so wonderful to have you here.

Always a pleasure, Scotty Ox.

Plug that Oxcord in.

And I'm, of course, talking about your dick that you can plug into the car.

And Big Righteous.

Hopefully, we will not cross paths again.

But I don't think my my mom's going to let me go on my dad's weekends anymore.

I'm so sorry.

Because of this show?

You think because of being on the show and the way...

It's gross negligence being here.

Oh, it's gross, all right.

Just being on any podcast, I would imagine.

Any podcast.

It's a base art form, right?

It's gauche to be on a podcast.

It's pronounced ghosts.

Oh, that's all right.

That's right.

And yes, Lott and Getty, ghosts, of course.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Big day for me.

A lot of introspection.

Well, yeah.

What do you think is going to happen to you after this?

I mean, this might be the last time we ever crossed.

I know life is long and anything can happen, but we may never see the likes of you again.

Oh, I've seen you in the store before.

You may say you haven't eaten there, but you've been there.

Come on, don't blow up my spot here.

Yeah,

you've been, yes, that's the saddest-looking person I've seen walk in there.

It's a little Caesars.

Want to hear my impression of Scott at Little Caesars?

I'll have a pizza pizza and a pizza pizza and a pizza pizza.

Hey, six pizzas.

Come on, guys.

Don't gang up on me.

I'm the host of the show.

What about you?

You shouldn't have invited so many men.

Oh, no, and big alpha.

Let's go to Capital.

Oh, shit.

All right.

We'll see you there and see you next week.

Thanks.

Bye.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Hey, everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So, join me, June, Diane, Rayfield, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made?

The podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.