Bonus Bang: Andy Richter, Jon Gabrus, Vic Michaelis, Casey Feigh (Teenage Dirtbag)

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At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

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Hey everyone, this is Scott Auckerman, and welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release some of CBB's past best and brightest episodes from behind the paywall.

We are currently in a series called Teenage Dirt Bag, which is celebrating CBB's 16th anniversary, where we're featuring a few of our favorite teen characters from the past.

And this week, it's all about Susie Tooman.

That's right, the high school student/slash construction site foreman played by Vic Michaelis.

We are re-releasing the first episode with Susie Tooman, episode number 760, called The Four Questions.

It was originally released on June 5th, 2022.

Now, this episode's guest is Andy Richter, and the title may have given you the hints that he's talking about his podcast, The Three Questions.

We also have intern Gino there played by John Gabris and Susie toman we also have Casey Faye a little bit later playing a younger version of me it's a really fun episode it kicks off another three Susie toman appearances thus far now if you want to hear those episodes come on down to cbbworld.com become a subscriber subscribing to CBB world gets you access to all of our past episodes all of the live shows ad-free versions of new episodes plus you get our exclusive series like hey Randy or The Neighborhood Listen.

We're going to have a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang on Monday, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

I'm half the man I used to be, which is twice the man my grandfather was, who is a third of his son.

If I used to be 28, am I greater than or less than my father?

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Okay.

Thank you, Big Man Albatross, for that catchphrase submission, Big Man Albatross, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

And my name is Scott Auckerman.

We have a great show coming up.

We have a teenager.

All right.

Well, we have this guy and a teenager on the show today.

All right.

Well, you know, I was hoping when we returned to the studio, we would get some star power going.

And, you know, certainly my first guest.

That teen is not with me, by the way.

Okay, thank you.

I did not show up here with a teen.

Okay, good.

Well, we do have at least one famous guest who's,

yes, no, he's looking behind himself.

Wondering if I'm referring to someone behind him.

No, I'm talking about him.

He is, of course, he was a television mainstay on all of our flat screens for the last three decades.

The ratings don't reflect it.

No, in fact, they continually slid down and down.

Did they not?

Yes, they did.

It was like a tire losing air.

Yes.

He also is coming over and trying to compete with me with his podcast.

Oh, yes.

I'm a real Johnny come lately to this incredibly lucrative podcast game.

I shot right to the middle.

You think you're in the middle?

Interesting.

All right.

Well, we'll discuss that.

Listen, there's so many podcasts.

I'm like,

you know, like, if you're like in the top 1,000, you're like, wow.

You probably are, actually.

His podcast is called Three Questions, which is ironic because today is the debut of one of our features on the show called Four Questions.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I do.

One more debut.

That's a no-fucking ripoff, is it?

No, but please welcome back to the show Andy Richter.

Hi.

Hi, everyone.

Hello, everyone.

Thank you.

Andy.

It's good to see you too.

Let's get into my four questions.

Yes, all right.

What's your first name?

Paul.

Interesting.

This is why we do four questions because I always thought that it was Andy, but no, it's Paul.

It's Paul Andrew.

Well, that's that's my second question.

What's your middle name?

Middle name is Andrew.

Oh, okay.

But my mother called me uh Andy from the beginning.

And when I asked her years later,

you know, which actually when I uh when bill collectors were still a problem, and they may still be at some point.

Um, when some when they called for Paul, I was always

due to hang up the phone.

I was like, No, I would just say, like, he's not here.

This is his roommate, Glenn.

And I always excuse him.

I don't know where Glenn came.

I was just like, his roommate, Glenn.

Glenn Ford.

And

so, yeah, it was very handy in that sense.

Yeah.

But it's caused, you know, confusion for.

In the marketplace.

Yes.

Well, no, it's just.

Not in the marketplace, of course, because you are Andy Richter.

We all know Andy Richter.

But between friends, every once in a while, like, I think before I knew this, you used to email me.

I'd be like, who's this, Paul?

Paul Richard.

Yeah, there's that.

There's also Paul Richard at gmail.com.

Before he said,

and look it up.

But yeah, and so it's been confusing.

And I asked my mother at one point, like,

why did you not just call me Paul if you're going to name me Paul?

She said, well, I like the way Paul Andrews sounded.

And you named Paul for

her uncle Paul, her mother's brother.

Right.

I said, but I didn't really like him very much, so I didn't want to call you that.

Agreed.

All right.

Do you like Paul better?

Or would you like, is there going to be a late life change?

Honestly, at this point, I don't.

Not that you're late in your life.

I don't.

It's the sort of thing that it's like.

You could be directly in the middle.

You could be in the first third.

No, no, no.

With the singularity coming up, we have no idea.

Oh, no.

Listen, I'm

transport your consciousness.

I don't want foot out the door.

Do you, really?

Yes, I do.

I do.

I just, I, you know, I've

foot on the pen.

Time to tap out.

Yeah, bacon at every meal.

No, I don't know.

I, you know, who knows?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Anyone can do anything that's my opinion.

Every time I eat a salad, I think if I die in a fucking car wreck, I am going to be so pissed.

I could be having a donut.

I know, exactly.

You want to die of a heart attack.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, exactly.

I sat next to, I was just talking to somebody about this yesterday.

I,

this is, this has a Burbank celebrity story.

I'm going to patent them.

So this is a Burbank celebrity or a celebrity you saw in Burbank?

Or both.

You'll see.

This is exciting.

I live in Burbank and one Sunday morning

I got up and I was,

you know, I was alone.

Oh boy.

I didn't expect to get there this quickly.

And I know and I was gonna, so I, but I was gonna go out to breakfast.

There's this little place in Burbank, an excellent place called BB's.

It's a breakfast place.

What's that stand for?

Do we know?

It's B-E-A-B-E-A.

So I don't know.

What's that stand for?

I don't know.

But

it's very crowded very busy but they have a little counter so as a single you can usually go in there and get this is what people don't understand about being single it's wonderful whenever you want to go to a restaurant absolutely absolutely uh so yeah and then you know you don't have people talking to you expecting you know you can just get your food done yeah you can get that dirty business over with and then get the fuck out and then get to your other dirty business which is shitting it out that's right but so i go up and there's like a half hour wait and it's very busy but i'm like is there any room at the counter?

And she says, yeah, I think there's one spot.

So there's, it's like eight seats at the counter and little, you know, just like stools, stationary stools.

And there's one guy on the end and then there's an empty spot and then the rest are full.

So I have to kind of like maneuver into, you know, like kind of, it's not a tight fit.

And I sit down.

And as I sit down, I realize that the solo guy on my right, the waitress is bringing two English muffins like on, like she couldn't put them on one plate.

She put them on two little plates.

And she laid laid it down in front of this man who was eating.

And it was in addition to all his extra plates, three fried eggs with a side of fries, steak, a side of bacon, toast, and then the two English muffins.

And I looked at the food, and then I looked at the guy, and it was Jay Leno.

And, you know, I mean, there's a history.

Yeah, a little bit of a history between the two of you as far as I remember.

I believe I read a book about it once or something.

But I mean, at this point, I mean, I'm sitting there.

You're all in at this point.

And plus, this is the hottest breakfast spot in town.

Elbow, elbow to elbow to him, and I just was like.

Elbow to rolled-up suit jacket elbow.

No, no, no.

To a denim shirt.

The whole fucking Jay Leno experience.

Yeah.

And

I just.

I was like, oh, fuck.

Hi, Jay.

Andy Richter.

How are you?

and he tells like oh geez hey oh

hey hey whoa uh hey do you want to do jay welcome i didn't i didn't think you guys were supposed to be talking to me i said jay i really want to get breakfast you know

this is what i have to do to get

what am i you know i mean i just i'm like you know just like an old tired whore like uh oh that guy well might as well um well breakfast makes strange bedfellows it does it does and uh and within about three minutes he's like you know all that stuff.

That was, that was just business stuff, you know?

Oh, just

it was all the network.

It was all the network.

And I just was like, mm-hmm.

And I actually said, like, well, some of it wasn't the network, but we don't need to talk about that.

How did it feel, though, being on his right, where you sort of like, God, this feels pretty good?

Like, if I could swap out.

Like,

what would have happened if Conan, you, we all know Conan got deposed.

What if you had said, like, I think I'm going to stick around, be here with Jay?

Like, no one fired you.

Yeah, no.

Well, someone, you know, someone who did do that was Max Weinberg.

Oh, he stuck around?

When there was, yeah, because the whole thing was that, you know,

they wanted their, their whole, because Jay went on at 10 and then it was terrible.

And then the real problem was that the, all the local news tanked because of Jay's terrible lead-in, the terrible lead-in of Jay, because Jay,

you know, you see Jay outside of the institution of the tonight show, you know, he's driving fucking fucking fan boats on CNBC, you know.

So 10 o'clock, you know, he does this show and it doesn't catch fire.

And local advertisers are fucking pissed because that half hour is where they make a lot of money.

All the money, yeah.

They don't make it on the tonight show.

They don't have to license anything.

That's all their money right now.

They got to pay for the two idiots that are reading off the prompter.

That's about it.

And the weirdos who are standing outside of tragedy.

It plummeted.

They were down across the country like an average of 30 or 40 percent, which is real money.

So there's all this, you know, finagling, and the NBC comes back and says, How about we have Jay just on for half an hour for like a little, you know, the monologue, like, you know, that beloved monologue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That, that, in, an invigorating, thrilling, electric monologue.

Ty than the nooof and victim.

Kythe in the new.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you hear about this tired thing that no one cares about?

But so, and then it was going to be half an hour, and then the tonight show would be on at midnight, which would, which Conan rightfully thought that would be the

disintegration of the brand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they said this is what's going to happen, and Conan said, no, I don't want to do that because

that's just the beginning of the end.

That's like, that's like the first, the first dose of arsenic.

The first nail in the coffin out of 36 nails, perhaps.

Yes, I don't know what it takes to

seal up a coffin.

He called it the death of a thousand cuts, was what he called it.

So we said no.

And then, like, two days later, Max Weinberg's in the paper, like, well, hey, if Jay's looking for a band leader, oh, yeah.

Didn't go over well.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, everyone moved out here.

And what it really told me is, don't say that, Andy.

Don't say that.

Jay's looking for an announcer, a sidekick.

I'm available.

Go through proper jail.

It's not the newspaper.

And I live in Burbank.

I'm local.

You know.

Oh, my gosh.

Should you have stayed at midnight, though?

Should you have moved into midnight?

No, no.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Interesting.

No, I mean, and well, ultimately, too, it always was,

you know, we went to TBS and there

it was like 6,000 cuts or death.

Not death.

It just like drew out longer.

But,

you know, he owned that show and he never would have owned the tonight show.

And just we, and we got to do whatever the fuck we wanted over there.

Yes.

And so it was really a nice, it was a, we were there for 11 years.

It was a a really nice place to work.

And I, I don't, you know, I think it worked out great.

Yeah.

No one can argue that the two of you, and especially you perhaps, made your mark on television history.

We did.

Did we?

We really did.

I don't know.

That's weird.

I mean, I'm very happy that that show is meaningful to comedians

like were kids when that show started.

Right.

And that it's meaningful to them in the same way that the shows that were meaningful to me were like SCTV and SNL,

you know, all their S shows.

Yes, all those S shows.

Spider-Man.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

Satan's Creek.

It's a show from my mind.

It's not

about a creek.

It's about a creek that's really hot.

That's kind of a shit's creek spin-off, from what I understand.

But it's just Satan movies.

I could have gone with that.

But yeah, I mean, that's, I'm very happy about that.

But

the notion of,

you know being a fixture and all that kind of shit.

I just because I feel like I still haven't even really started firing on all cylinders.

Yeah, like I'm still holding back, yeah.

I'm still like a fuck-up who, if like nothing is required of me, I'll just like, I'm like, oh, I think I'll make lasagna.

You know, like that's my, that's my, you know, my big ambition for the day left to my own device.

You're like a modern-day Garfield in that way.

You have a John Arbuckle.

Conan is John John Arbuckle to you, is he not?

Who's Odie?

Is that Max?

No, Max isn't Odie.

Odie would probably be one of my kids.

Oh, right.

One of your kids.

One of my kids.

The other one doesn't exist in this analogy.

Maybe they just trade

odiousness.

Well, this is why we asked the four questions on this show.

That opened up.

I mean, the other two, you know, obviously, what's your last name?

Richter.

And then will you see yourself out?

Yes, I will.

Absolutely.

I've been here before.

I know how to get to the door.

Okay, good.

Well,

Andy Richter is here.

And

is that you?

Are you peeing in your...

What was it?

I just, you know, that was, this is, we got to get some waters for these guys.

Oh, people are fucking thirsty over here.

Gino.

Intern Gino is here?

Yeah, sorry.

I'm a little late.

These flights are fucking crazy.

Everyone's getting duct taped to seats and shit like that.

I was trying to get here, but fucking my mask was not.

People are after me for wearing a mask, even though mask mandates have been lifted.

Yeah, people are.

So you were wearing a mask.

What kind of mask were you?

The kind that prevents you from biting the people who are handling you.

Oh, this is a handable leg.

Yeah, yes, yes.

That's what the lady kept calling it.

Wait, did it have a ball?

Is it a ball gag?

No, I wish that I'm familiar with.

But I couldn't have that.

I'd be rock hard the entire flight.

And you don't want to get hard

when you're up there in the high-pressure system.

No, no, it'll explode.

Yeah, you care.

It's like a cartoon thermometer.

People who do the mile high club, man, I don't know how to do it.

I don't know.

They are.

Has that ever happened to you where you like you wake up from a nap on a plane and realize, oh shit, I have a full erection.

I one time came in the toilet in first class.

Jesus.

Wow.

TMI from Gino.

And that's, of course, a Gino Lombardo story.

It's not a story that anyone else is.

No, that's just me, Gino.

I love to jack off on planes.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, bet into the toilet.

Yeah, like I'm not a monster.

I'm not coming in my pants and fucking leaving the spackle for the whole ride.

Gino, welcome back.

Hey, thanks for having me, Scott.

Hey, this is Andy Richer, whose real name is actually actually Paul.

We found that out on the four questions.

That's fucking wild.

Are you from the South?

No.

Because a lot of Southerners are like, yeah,

call me Andy, and it's like, well, what's your name?

It's like, Warren McCandrew.

And you're like, okay, Andy.

Yeah, no, I grew up with kids that just had completely different, like, like a girl named Sis.

A girl named Sis.

Yeah, and it was like, her name was Sis, but then her real name was, I don't know, Linda or something like that.

Jeez, I knew a boy named Sue once.

It was very interesting.

From the movie Swingers?

You ever hear that song?

And

the audience is laughing maniacally every time he says it.

Yes, yes.

Like, not just the first time and then diminishing returns.

They're laughing like it's the funniest thing they have ever heard.

People like to help out.

They were starved for comedy, is my opinion.

Yeah.

And now they're over comedy.

That lets me out.

We're doing post-comedy right now.

Comedy died years ago when it was.

That could be something funnier, right?

Gino, you're back.

Where have you?

I mean, you you have been gone for a while.

I was in the hospital for quite a bit, but now I'm all recovered and back to, I'm allowed to fly again.

What were you doing in the hospital?

Amy Fisher had burst both my testicles with a kick to the nuts in an unsanctioned Long Island fight club tournament.

Oh, no.

This is what, 30 years after Amy Fisher was even a thing?

Yeah, no, she's still a thing.

She's just not in the news as much, but she's chasing it.

She came out with golden palace written on her titties and started fucking absolutely murking me.

She was fucking, I couldn't believe the anger that the Long Island Lolita brought to this.

Oh my God.

Why did you agree to fight her?

Because I haven't fought a woman in a couple of years.

And look, I'm a feminist.

That's sexy.

Yeah, I think anyone could do everything.

I fought men.

I fought non-binary.

I fought adults.

I fought children.

It's nice to finally fight an adult woman.

You know, a cinema.

You know, not your friend, sis, but an actual

CIS.

Right.

CSI.

I thought, yeah, fuck.

Well, don't even get me started on fucking.

I got my fucking ass handed to me by Gary Sinise.

Cis New York.

Oh, is there another one?

Cis Miami.

Well, that's too bad.

I'm so sorry.

So you were in the hospital recovering your testicles.

Yeah,

well, major testicular torsion is what they call it.

And

I had a transplant.

So I have, you know, I have goat testicles inside my bone.

You have LL Cool J's testicles.

LL Cool J consideration.

He considers himself the goat.

He coined that phrase.

Oh, well, good for him because just coining the phrase, so he's the goat at coming up with the term.

With the term goat, yeah.

Okay, because he's not the greatest of all time.

Well, he considered himself to be a little head of all time.

He's got a context there.

Ladies love cool James.

Okay.

He loved abbreviating things.

That's the whole thing about him.

Rapping, as far as I'm concerned, is actually about extending thoughts over rhymes.

He just loved containing the business.

He loves acronyms and licking his lips.

That's the two things he loves.

For someone on a tight schedule like me, it's great.

It really is.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't need all those words.

I'm so tired of saying self-contained otherwater breathing apparatus.

I could just say scuba.

By the way, the self-contained part of it, it's not really that interesting anymore.

No, it's just better than UBA.

Yeah, we could call it UBA, but then it's always Uba gets like.

Yeah, well, Uba and Lyft.

You know, you get both of those going and shit, and you're fucked.

And then there's Ube, which is Japanese purple yams.

Yes, of course.

And don't get one of those stuck in your ass.

Take it from me.

Or a friend, whoever.

Have you been to Japan?

I have never been to Japan.

I'm lying.

I think what are the places you've been?

Because we know New Jersey, or no, Long Island, Jesus.

Fucking Christ, Ackerman.

How could you forget?

I've been coming on here and doing the same shit for 10 years.

They're the exact same place to me.

Yeah, well, they're very different to me, okay?

I'm so sorry.

I know you have William Joel as well.

Yeah, we have William Joel and they have Jonathan Bonathan Jovies.

Right.

Yeah.

Have you heard his voice recently?

A lot of hubbub.

People are recording

his recent concerts.

Who Billy?

No,

the latter.

I don't give a fuck about that guy.

Okay.

Yeah, let that motherfucker buy another arena football team and leave it.

Which one did he buy?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm making this up.

I thought he was bidding for the bills or something.

They should be called the Bonjolis.

Yeah, but

I don't think he...

got it.

But yeah, he wanted to be an NFL owner.

Yeah, imagine if Trump actually got the USFL off the ground.

We might have never had him as a president.

Man, I would sacrifice that.

Not watching a different sport.

Having to hear about a different sport while I'm trying to just drink alcohol on a Sunday morning?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so I got these goat testicles, and they're smaller than my original ones, so it's great because now my PECA looks bigger, and that's going to be a fucking huge victory for me.

Yeah, congratulations.

But the thing is, these nurses at fucking Winthrop Hospital in Manhasset, they fucking giggle their little asses off.

You think they're professionals, right?

You're like, oh, look at these people dedicated their lives to become RNs, registered nurse.

Not right now, okay, Millennials.

And

they just giggle and giggle and giggle at my little balls.

It's like, and where are they seeing them that often?

Once you got to come in and change the bandages and, like, you know.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And I have like just that little transparent part of my scrotum from the repatch.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, so wait, they use scotts.

They can use silicon skin, but it's see-through.

Oh, so when you see through it, you see, you know, all the blood and the Vas deferens and stuff like that floating around in there.

It's like a watch with a glass back yeah that's exactly that's exactly what it's sort of like a moonroof in a way yeah it's sort of like a hibachi restaurant you can appreciate the craftsmanship oh yeah you could you should i i'll we'll post it with the show notes oh no i don't think i'll do i really don't believe we will but i'll post it to a friend a comedian friend's instagram oh okay great text it to me

again okay all right you lost it again so anyway just it got lost in the other stuff they'd be down there and they'd be just like tee hee tee hee like yeah and then i would hear them go i would hear like some of the you know, other nurses be like, bah, you know, like making goat noises and shit.

And

I knew what they were referencing.

Yeah.

The testicles.

Yeah.

And then the vegans come and knocking when they need me to come in their coffee so that they can have non-dairy, non-cow milk, cream.

Okay.

So laugh it up, vegan nurses.

It is dairy.

Oh, shit.

It is dairy.

That's why they have to shoot.

That's a different animal.

Yeah.

Oh.

They're giving you like tempeh balls and maybe

a couple of edamame or something.

These are permanent balls.

These are perma balls.

Perma balls.

So

nothing can happen to these.

They are unburstable.

That's what they gradually.

I didn't like LL Cool J.

They were referred to as unfuckwittable.

Do you notice a difference in

performance?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm able to sing so much better than I was pre-oh, you mean like sexual performance?

Oh, yeah.

No, but

whatever.

Yeah, no, I get I get harder even easier, okay, and then uh, I last a little bit longer, but it the orgasms are not as good.

Oh, I'm so sorry, yeah, that's right.

Okay, that's that's the whole reason we do it usually.

Well, yeah, I'm racing to the finish here.

I'm not, you know, the end justifies the means, Machiavelli, baby.

I don't give a fuck what got me there, but I need the nut.

Jesus.

Hey, oh, sorry.

You need people like me on the wall, okay?

Your honor.

I don't care what God made.

You're goddamn right.

I ordered the cum in the coffee.

Well, this is, I mean, do you know the goat?

Was it a famous goat or was it just a.

Yeah, it was the goat from Adam Sandler's first comedy album, the one who chips his fucking horn.

You got that one?

That's incredible.

Yeah, it's really, it's really cool.

It's really fucking for me.

A guy who grew up listening to that album and all the way through his

early 20s.

Did he give them willingly?

Or I mean, it's a ghost.

He had passed.

He had died in hand-to-hand combat against Eddie Money in the same Long Island fight club tournament.

Wow.

And it worked out well because I was like, we need, they were kept screaming, like, the EMTs were like, we need testicles stat.

We need testicles.

And then Eddie Money's like, I got two testicles to paradise over here.

And I was like, Mr.

Money, please.

He's like, no, my father's Mr.

Money.

Call me Ed Money.

The EMTs, the Eddie Money

trio,

the cover band.

They were there rooting him on because they're friends of his.

You know how the guy from Big Shot plays with Billy at MSG?

Of course, everybody knows that, right?

Of course we all know that.

Big Shot, the famous Long Island Billy Joel cover band that performed at Moca's or Wanto Avenue.

They are now performing live with Billy.

This guy, Billy's literally doing shit, like, take it away, guy who still has his capacity to sing.

Really?

Yeah.

It's fun, though.

It's fun.

Who else?

It's got to be funny.

Who better?

Because

he wants to do it in the original keys, or I thought he transposed him down, unlike Paul McCartney.

Ooh, I don't know what any of that shit means.

I can sing better with the goat testicles, but I still can't read or understand music.

Yeah, are you still in that children's choir that

you were telling me about?

The unit children's choir.

Yeah, I'm still in it.

And they still haven't found out about my genital situation or the fact that I'm an adult.

Yeah.

That would be more pressing to them, I would imagine.

They have two questions on the forum, age and genital situation.

Two questions.

That's not a bad idea because people like shorter podcasts.

Yeah, you should start this too.

Two questions.

Yeah, two questions.

Are you a child and do you have genitals?

genitals?

What are you?

You're genitals.

I've been thrown out of so many playgrounds for asking these questions.

There might not be any teens showing up here later, okay?

Oh, well, unfortunately, we do have a teenager coming a little later.

But

I used to be a teenager, so I get it.

You used to, but you're only 20.

In my early 20s now, still, somehow.

I'm in my 12th year at Nassau Community College studying to be an audio major.

And eventually I'll have enough credits to start working here at Earwolf full-time.

And I'm hearing

you you came in right at the right time.

I know, I know.

And you've aced the Getting Waters course.

I've aced the Getting Waters course.

I haven't been able to do Comedy Bang Bang in a bit because of the hospital shit, but a lot of people were doing remote records.

So I was able to help.

You were in my backyard for a while.

You never made it back there, did you?

No, no,

I couldn't be in the sun with the medication.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And that's hard for me as a guy who loves to get tanned.

So you can't have tannin balls?

I cannot have tannins.

Oh, tannin balls.

Sorry.

Merry Christmas next year, brother.

I cannot fucking do it.

Yeah, wow.

Oh, yeah.

It's brutal.

Well, it's so good that you're back up on your feet.

I mean, I feel great.

I truly feel great.

And with the smaller balls, it's easier to walk and shit.

Oh, I can only imagine because, you know,

every once in a while you'll get them twisted just like crossing your legs or something like that.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

You got to be careful.

And they'll like wind around each other a lot and then you'll feel them slowly unwind like a lifeguard whistle, you know, and spinning it around and it's just it's just great to be able to fucking have normal ball stuff happening you know what i mean because you had yours were larger than than normal mine when you say when you say yours are smaller they're about human size is that yeah they're back to goat they are goat sized

just a little smaller than humans which is perfect 910 scale yeah yeah yeah it's about like 85 the size of uh but my old balls were like 170 the size of right yeah and they weren't old balls they were you know they were on there in the early

previous balls but yeah my previous balls my ex-balls, my ex-nuts.

These things were fucking like yam bags.

We had like two ubeys in there.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

Gosh.

Any questions for Andy Richter here, by the way, since you're on, Mike?

Usually, I beg your pardon.

First of all, Gino doesn't show up more than once every four months or so.

Yeah.

Because he commutes from Long Island to do the show.

I was going to say.

Yeah, I got to take the fucking subway.

I got to take the train from,

I get on in fucking Massapiqua Park, and then I go to Massapequa, and then from there it's Seaford, Wanto, Belmore, Merrick, Freeport.

I don't normally go this way, the westbound train.

There's Merrick, Rockman Center, Kew Gardens, and then Jamaica, and off the Florida Keys,

and then Penn Station.

Then I get to Penn Station, then I take the air train, I take the A down to Howard Beach, transfer to the air train, get to JFK, walk to the end of the Delta.

This fucking thing is like 600 miles.

Holy shit.

And with freshly sewn-up

transparent scroat, you do not want to be walking two miles to get to the Delta Lounge, okay?

All right.

So I fucking get there, get on the plane, then I'm flying across the planet.

I don't have to list all the states we fly over because no one gives a fuck about the other 48.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Whatever.

It's Wisconsin, Chusetts, or whatever, and there's white people and corn and shit.

You'll love it.

And then I fucking land here.

I get into my Uber or a Lyft, and the Uber takes me, you know, wherever.

In this case, Earwolf.

Yeah.

But you're probably

taking the 105 down to the.

Yeah, we're taking the 10.

We're taking the 10 to the 10.

Are we taking the 10?

We're taking the 10 to the 110 to the 111.

This is where I shine.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know any.

Tell me your route.

I don't know fucking cause for the life of me, dude, except for Gary Lewman.

And the movie, of course.

Yeah.

Which one is the movie?

The Wilson the Furious?

No, no, Carson.

That's Paul Walker, R.I.P.

You are those two guys.

No, Owen Wilson is still with us.

Oh, he is?

Yeah, he is.

Ah, man.

What a fucking

news.

Wait a minute.

This sucks.

Owen Wilson's still with us.

Oh, come on.

No, he's one of our greatest treasures.

I love the guy.

Whoa.

Wait, that was Joey.

That was Joey.

Yeah, Sorry.

Whoa.

There we go.

There, you nailed it, Ben.

Yeah.

Hey, should we crash this wedding?

Yeah.

Look at that.

I remember all that.

Newline Cinema, baby.

Smoke in.

But yeah, but Andy, he's also normally not on Mike.

He's used to, he should be behind the boards writing.

Yeah, he should be on checks.

I'm checking the luffs.

You got this fucking loose cannon Devin in here, so I got to like keep it.

Yeah, he's well, yeah.

I mean, you know, we've had to pick up the slack with Devin over here.

Yeah, so you bring in an extra engineer, a guy who's got the experience.

I I could take a look at the Luffs.

I could take a look at it.

Exactly.

But in any case, he's usually not on mic.

But since you are, if you have anything you want to ask Andy over here

about his career or his life, his life.

I've been a big fan.

I was one of those guys who grew up watching Conan.

It's, you know, the masturbating bear.

I love all that.

But my question for you is, Andy, what is your middle name?

Oh, no, we covered that.

Are you serious?

Yeah, before you got it.

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Those are two questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sick of answering it, too, so I'm not going to ask you.

Okay, that's fair.

That's fair.

It's actually going to be good.

That's good for radio.

People going like, I'm not answering that question.

I can play that out of context.

We'll sniff that out.

I can put whatever question I want in front of that.

Billy Bob Thorntoning here, right here.

Would you ask Bob Dylan that?

Why do I know the Billy Bob clip you're talking about?

Yeah, I know.

I'm so young.

Why would I know?

What was that, 10 years ago?

And that's a modern reference for me.

All right.

Well, look, guys, we have to take a break if that's okay.

When we come back, we have, I'm looking at my notes.

A teenager will be here.

Okay, I'm going to change my bandages real quick.

Okay.

Oh, in front of us?

Well, no, I can go into the bathroom, but unless you guys request in front of us, Devin said, keep it put them on the glass.

You can see.

Okay, really?

He keeps asking us to put everything on the glass.

I don't know what's going on.

Can I TikTok it?

Yeah, of course.

All right.

We are going to come right back.

We'll have more with Gino and more with Andy Richter.

What a pleasure to have him here.

We're going to be right back with a teenager as well.

We'll be right back with more comedy after this.

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comedy bang bang we're back uh we have uh andy richter here uh the three questions is his podcast what's been going on with the three questions Who have you had on lately?

What questions have you asked?

Oh, it's always the same questions.

Well, yeah, but I mean,

it's just to set the tone.

Do you never ask any other question?

Does it have to be statements and declarative?

You know, I thought that this would be

just a good format for, but it's become so fucking annoying.

There's an albatross around your neck.

What's the other question?

That's more than three questions.

It's just like,

you can't.

Podcast listeners are the worst people in the world, aren't they?

Well, no, it's just people ruin everything.

That's if if I have any message to the young people out there, it's people.

Give it back to the beasts of the field.

If you want to feel better about everything, I would recommend going on Reddit and searching your podcast out.

I that's how you make yourself feel much better about it.

I don't even know enough to know that like, oh, why would

let's stick your face in a hornet's nest.

No one tries to get psychologically inside the head of podcasters and guess how they feel about their close friends.

No one's doing that on fucking Reddit.

You fucking freaks.

I think you and I have had some issues lately.

Yeah, right?

Someone tweeted.

What's Gino's beef with Scott?

Guests, listen to an episode.

Well, look, guys, it's three questions.

There's no better podcast out there, but we do have to get to our next guest.

They are a teenager.

I have no other information other than that.

Am I allowed to come in now?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, step into the light here.

Yes.

I'm sorry we keep it so dark in the hallway.

No, it's okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, man.

I'm so happy to be here.

Scott, hi, Susie Tuman.

I'm Susie Tuman.

Susie Tuman.

Okay, this is Gino.

Hello, Jimara Robardo.

Nice to meet you, Mr.

Tim.

I just got to say thank you so much, sir.

I have a health test on Monday on the male reproductive system and aviation, so this is really going to be helpful.

In aviation?

In aviation.

Oh, okay.

I see the combined two things.

That's perfect.

This is going to be good, and I appreciate it.

Well, feel free to ask me any questions and not.

Well, you know what?

Never mind.

I'm backing off that.

I should not.

You're the questions guy.

I'm not the questions guy.

I'm not the person for a children.

This is where he lives.

A young person to be talking to.

Pierre.

Yeah, this is Andy Richter, by the way, as well.

I don't know if you've ever had a television

or I guess in the last 11 years turned on TBS.

I love television.

Oh, okay.

Great.

Well,

Susie Tuman.

Susie Tuman.

How's that spelled?

Is that T-W-O-M-E-N?

Like my guest over here?

T-O-M-A-N.

Oh, okay, great.

Wonderful to see you.

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy to be here.

Yeah, why are you on the show?

I don't usually have people of your age on the show.

Scott, you know, I'm just like a normal teen in a lot of ways.

I have the friends.

Which

ways?

I have the best friends in the world.

I'm constantly worried about whether or not Paul Giari is going to notice me.

And I have like, I have a pretty big secret.

Oh, okay.

Can I share it with you?

Who's Paul Giari?

Who's Paul Giari?

Is that someone I should know?

He's a senior.

Oh, he, oh, he's someone you know.

Oh, okay.

I was wondering if he was like a politician.

I'm a sophomore.

Oh, okay.

That's not unattainable.

I mean, but it would be a problem if the relationship were to continue after he turned 18.

Sure.

He's 17.

He's 17 and a half.

Yeah, you really only have a six-month window to get this done.

But then you only need to take a year or two off, then you can get right back on.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I feel uncomfortable even saying this to you now

as a guy.

No, ask him to wait for me, is what you're saying.

The window's closing, though, is what I'm saying.

Dudes, do that.

So Fortune favors the brave, so you should get in there while you're.

in in any case but you what was the third thing you said a secret i got a bit of a secret secret yeah okay well i'm trying to balance all that stuff i'm also a foreman of a non-uni construction site Wow.

Oh, okay.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

And you're keeping this a secret?

I'm sort of living a double life.

I really want to keep high school one thing and then this thing that I'm really, really good at

separate.

Yeah, wow.

Okay.

How did you get into this?

I mean, that's such an odd thing for

a sophomore, a 15-year-old,

I would guess,

to be doing.

I mean, was this a hobby of yours?

It's really crazy.

I was just at the mall one day, and a guy came up to me and said, hey, we need somebody on our site in 10 minutes.

And I said, well, Frank, Frank's my stepdad.

Can you sign this state of Ohio permit for me to work?

And he did.

And so then the next day I was on the site.

Oh.

Okay, so you're on this show to share.

this secret and you want you want this info is there a reason why you want to push this information well i need some help oh okay.

This is the place.

This is the place.

Yeah, we're three well-adjusted.

I mean, he's a little young.

Does the help you need happen to be construction knowledge?

Well, a little bit of both.

It's, you know, I'm trying to balance his life, but you guys are all so accomplished, you know, getting to the airport and

being able to drive yourself to a studio, working on a television show.

Yeah, exactly.

So I was hoping maybe you guys could help me find the balance a little bit.

Why did they think you would be good at this?

That's the other question.

Someone came up to you and said, we need someone on the site in 10 minutes.

And follow up, did you go straight to Foreman at that point?

Or were you like added to the site and then eventually

your name is Tumin.

So it's like

you became the double of your last name.

Oh, shit.

The double life you're living is weird.

I get that.

Oh, I mean, I don't get anything.

It's interesting.

I'm a numera.

I'm a numbers guy.

That's how I know that JFK Jr.

is coming back.

I don't want people to recognize me, so I do have a disguise that I wear when I'm on the construction site.

It's a very short wig and a hat.

Because you have very long hair.

So you have a cut.

I do have very long hair.

Never cut it.

So how do you get all of that under that short wig?

Oh, a lot of work.

It takes hours.

And how do you balance your schoolwork with how do you balance work and family?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

How do you balance work and family?

You're a woman, so we need to ask this.

That's a great question.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

I got a math test on Tuesday, and I'm trying to study that as I'm taking all these union posters out of the break room.

Okay, so wait, you're not, you not only run a non-union construction site, but you're actively.

Listen, what can I say?

We got a hundred-unit building that needs to go up in four weeks, and we only got 10 guys on the job.

That seems dangerous, that seems like a dangerous place to eventually live.

That's 10 units per guy in just a few weeks.

I don't know.

Listen, I could do a unit, maybe two a day.

If you press me, I could do maybe one unit a day.

I could bang out a couple of units.

Like, I'd have to ask friends how to do it, you know, and I'd get maybe get some advice.

Totally unreasonable, but don't worry.

I have safety meetings every single morning, and I tell them it's safer for you to not say anything and just shut up and do the work.

Wow.

Okay.

Have you ever had any trouble with mob muscle?

You know, we're in the control.

Boy, have I ever?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How do you deal with it?

You said it kind of cutely, but it sounds like it's something that might be terrifying.

The Ohio mob.

Oh, man.

I wish.

No, we're talking the drama mob.

Oh.

Oh, this is my mobile phone.

This is high school, drama.

Okay, okay, all right.

We used to call it clubs when I was

in high school.

Weirdly enough, I don't think I have any expertise to help you with either of your problems.

I was a high school outcast, and the one time I worked on a construction site, I fucking hammergunned my feet to a girder, and you left me standing up there throughout an entire brainstorm.

No.

No hard hat.

Hey, that sounds like one of my sites.

Well, that's Susie.

I think that could be risky.

You know, come on.

You got to be careful with these.

These are people.

These are workers.

I mean, are you making bank?

You're making money?

Yeah, I'm making a lot of money.

Yeah, I mean, this must be, what is it, six figures at least?

Don't worry.

I'm keeping it offshore, Scott.

Well, you are very

glad of that.

One ahead of Scott's four questions is always, where are you keeping your money?

You ought to let this senior boy know all this.

Don't worry.

My stepdad, Frank, has taught me right.

He said two things that have always stuck with me.

One, don't take coffee creamer from anybody that lives in Long Island.

And two, that'll come in handy in one or two specific situations.

And two, just keep your mouth shut and do what the boss says.

And if the boss doesn't like it, then we know where the bodies are buried.

Oh my God.

Is your father in the business?

He's my stepdad and he's the best.

Oh,

okay.

Not my question.

Is he in the business?

What business?

The business of construction.

Same business you're in.

Oh, no, he's a model scout.

Oh, oh.

I was going to say, because you're beautiful.

I don't think you're allowed to say that.

I mean, not in a creepy way.

I just, you have your cheekbones, is what I guess I was your bone structure.

Exactly.

Pedal

is what I meant.

I mean, you're classically put together.

Is that something I can say?

Worse, arguably worse.

I, for the record, want everyone to know that I think she's ugly.

Okay, well, Sandy, you're welcome.

I'm just saying, like, it seems like if you wanted to work, you could maybe do what your stepfather, you know, is out there looking for instead of this.

But that'll fuck you up.

Being a young teen model, that shit's not good for you in the long run.

Being a young teen construction foreman you're making friends you're learning

are you making friends me

yes you

not really anywhere scott i'm trying really hard i have two friends at high school we've been friends since like fifth grade which is crazy uh but i feel like we're kind of going in separate directions right now really why is that well Checkers is sort of like really gotten into music lately, which is great.

And I'm very supportive, but you know, they're off doing that.

And Paul is doing sort of his own thing.

Your friends are names Paul and Checkers.

Yeah, Yeah, my friends.

And wasn't the guy you were into named Paul?

Yeah.

Is this different, Paul?

Different Paul.

That's not Paul G.

Ardy?

No,

this is Paul G.

Oh, Paul G.

Paul G.

Wow.

What's the G stand for?

I wish I knew.

He's your best friend?

He's my best friend since fifth grade.

You'll get there.

You'll get to learn what that means.

And then for me, you know, I'm just trying to deal with 14 to 17 adult men who are trying to increase their wages.

Wow.

It's really tough.

Similar problems over there.

Are you doing any kind of like strike busting kind of stuff or

taking bats to vehicles or anything?

Oh my God, Scott, who do you think I am?

Of course not.

I have people that do that for me.

Gosh.

Is Paul G one of them?

Well, when he's got the time, he's been really busy lately.

No, it's Checkers is in the man.

Wait, check out.

Scott, I feel like you're not.

I'm all into Checkers.

This is just a lot of information you're sure I get.

It is a lot.

Checkers is in a band.

Checkers band.

Ska.

Ska band.

Oh, Ska Band.

His name fits then.

Oh, okay.

So this is like fifth wave.

His real name is Check, but he goes by Checkers.

Oh, okay.

That makes sense.

And what's the name of the band?

Checkers and the Boys?

Checkers and the Boys?

Who are the boys?

Nobody.

It's just Checkers.

Oh, wow.

How do you play a Ska band with just one guy?

That's a great question.

He might be in my first successor.

Bringing it back.

It might be his testicles.

Yeah, true.

Checkers and the Bandicoots.

And the boys.

My testicles are, of course, gender non-conforming.

Oh, good.

Because I have no testicles.

I'm not going to apply to you.

By By the way, have you ever been on a podcast before we talk about testicles a lot?

Oh, yeah.

And I really should have addressed that before dropping in some testies chat.

Hey, don't worry, Gino.

I work on a construction site.

I've heard it all.

That's hey, that's true.

I did a little construction back in the day, too.

So I can't really connect on the high school thing because my high school life was weird.

But I have a couple of questions about this drama mob.

Oh, please.

Is it like, are they extorting you?

Is it a major issue?

Is it a protection racket?

Like, we won't act around you if you give us us money?

Worse, they say my hair is too long, and so I can never be cosette and les Miz.

Do you want to be cosette and les Miz?

So bad.

I mean, it's got a showcase song.

It's my dream.

Yeah.

That's my dream.

It's the on my own.

Is that what Cosette sings?

Yeah.

You guys are fucking dorks.

Yeah.

Can we hear a little bit of it, Timo?

Yeah, yeah, of course you.

I'm looking right at you.

Okay.

You want to hear me sing?

Sure.

I mean, I mean, you say you have talent.

It's your dream to do it.

Let's

hear a little little bit of

my own.

Gino might back you up because he's got that beautiful operatic football song before, but my voice has gotten so much better.

You got it.

So do you want to do the Marius part?

Yep.

Okay.

Because Cassette doesn't sing on my own.

They sing the one with Marius that's at the gate.

Now I know what you're talking about.

I'll jump in right now.

What does that sing?

A song?

Oh, this is your dream.

Scott, I feel like you're not listening to me.

I'm trying to.

I feel like Scott just really wants to sing Le Miz.

Just do it.

Go fucking full bolo.

I've just been practicing really hard on every single lunch break.

I've been telling the guys, we're not taking lunch until you listen to me do my audition piece a couple of times, and then we run out of time.

And so then I send them back to the site with no cuts.

That's like an unpleasant place to work.

Now, is there a reason you won't cut your hair?

Because if the only thing stopping you from playing cosette, is it?

Is it

cassette?

Cassette?

Is the long hair.

And by the way, Cosette doesn't have short hair,

although she is an orphan.

Is that correct?

Well, maybe they cut the hair in order to make sure there's no lice in in it.

Yeah, technically, no one adopted her.

Oh, okay.

She's an ex-orphan.

She makes your hair business.

She's an ex-orphan.

She's formerly an orphan.

The orphan formerly known as Cosette the Orphan.

So

you're talking to us singing.

Yeah, let's

hear you sing anything.

Oh, I'm not.

I'm so nervous.

I just want to hear the picture.

Hey, come on.

We finally have a teen girl in the studio.

Let's make her sing for all of us.

Completely normal behavior.

I don't feel at all like a sultan in the movie Dakin.

Can I say when I was walking on the street earlier today and the three of you walked up to me and said, come on in the studio for a little bit.

We promise we won't lock the door behind you.

I mean, we were.

Okay.

You said you had a secret.

You came up to us and said, I have a secret.

And I said, I don't, and you were like, and we were like, we have a platform in which you could share it potentially.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

I don't remember who decided who was going to be on the show.

Scott?

Oh, it was me.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Now it's coming back to me.

It was Scott that said he wouldn't lock the door, so I locked the door.

Yeah, right.

And as you should probably know this, and Scott doesn't want this information out there, but he is also running a non-union podcast, so you will not be getting paid for your time.

I don't know if the podcast are unionized generally.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you can take the step if you're the guy.

Good for you.

And if you need any protection, I'm not really in charge of anything anymore.

I know some really neat guys if you need the podcast.

Where did you meet these guys?

Where'd you meet me?

The mall said.

What?

The mall.

The mall.

This is where it all happens.

You're not listening to me at all.

You've never said this before.

So you hang out of the mall.

On my own.

Okay.

So it was waiting.

Woo!

Oh my god.

I do that part over and over and over again.

I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I were seeing the show and they just hang on my own.

Do you mean it?

On my own.

Yeah, I do mean it.

I really appreciate that.

Yeah, no problem.

Scott, I feel like you're not listening.

It sucked.

Oh, that's right.

Gino, thank you for your honesty.

I just don't want to mislead you.

I feel like construction might be your thing.

If you refuse to cut your hair to become cassette and you refuse to learn more than the opening lines, I feel like there's something inside of you that doesn't want to be.

Also,

there's something sitting right in front of us.

Wear your work wig to audition for cassette.

Yes.

It's your work wig.

Oh, my God.

But wait, then maybe Checkers and Paul G will finally catch on that I'm not just ready.

Hanging out at this construction site a lot?

Well, they love hanging out at the construction site.

It's hard to keep track of all your concerns.

You see them every day at the construction site.

This feels like Ozark season five.

Yet the wig is gone.

So they're not recognizing you at the construction site.

Who do they think you are?

You wear a hat and a wig.

They think I'm the foreman.

You are the foreman.

You're not the Tuman.

You're not Susie Tuman.

You're a completely different person, a foreman.

Yes, they know I'm a teenager on the construction site, but they just think I'm a teen foreman.

Okay, so they're aware that you're young.

They just don't know you're you specifically, Susie Tuman.

Suzu Tuman.

Okay,

and how does that help you?

How does that help you, them not knowing you, Susie?

The power dynamic.

Okay, what would happen to the power dynamic if they know?

Now we know the name of this.

Are you an unnamed teen foreman for them?

Listen, my stepdad Frank said number one rule is never let him know where you live.

Oh,

right.

Okay.

I thought he had other number one rules.

The number one rule, I think, was don't take coffee creamer from a dude from Long Island.

Right, right, right.

I'm sorry, I'm getting a phone call from the site.

I got to put my wig and my hat on.

This is going to take us.

Oh, is it FaceTime?

No, it's just an audio call, but I got to get into it.

You get into character.

Yeah, it's easier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

That is really long hair.

Ah.

Ma.

Yeah, you need vocal warm-ups?

Bricks.

Bricks, yeah.

Okay.

Great word to say once.

Okay, Scott, answer it.

Oh, okay.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Is the foreman there?

Hi, yes.

This is me, Team Foreman.

Hi.

Yeah, sorry.

I just have you saved in my phone.

It's the foreman.

It's Ronnie.

We're a fucking...

You have a question?

Yeah, I have a question.

That's why I'm calling you, Foreman.

We're fucking knee-deep in nails here, and we got no fucking hammers.

What do you need us to do?

That's so crazy.

If I wanted to hear an ass talk, I'd fart.

Click.

Whoa.

Oh.

Why did you have me answer the phone?

That was fucking.

I know.

I like that.

Again, I'm seeing Susie's all about the power dynamics.

She's got you answering the phone.

She's annoying.

I am

unnamed team, I mean.

That was great.

You fucking rocked that dude.

That That dude.

Go ahead.

Take your wig off.

Let your hair down.

Shake it out.

Whoa, beautiful.

Thank you.

I don't think you're a lot to say that, Scott.

Sorry.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, man.

Wow.

I mean, you're really good at your job, I got to say.

You really put the fear of God into him.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Seems.

Seems like a great place to work, if you're being honest.

Yeah.

Tons of nails, no hammers.

Yeah.

Sounds good.

I would leave high school if I were you.

Like, why are you even bothering with high school?

Just feels like a part of it, you know?

I just want to live life to the fullest.

Yeah.

I want to be able to take my math tests and complain about boys with my friends who don't talk to me anymore.

What math are you studying right now, by the way?

Pre-algebra.

Pre-algebra.

Okay, so you're not even very far along in math.

Me?

No.

Well, stop saying me.

Pre-algebra and sophomore year isn't like this a terribly bad year.

I took algebra and

freshman year.

Oh, Mr.

Smart Pants.

Post-algebra.

I got a C.

Excuse me.

As far as I recall.

I'm not so sure.

Working class, though.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm very rich.

Hello,

why are you doing this?

Your dad

is an Ohio model.

Your stepdad's an Ohio model.

What models has your stepdad?

He's got a pretty big secret, too.

Oh, no.

It's a pyramid scheme.

Oh,

pyramid scheme?

That's less of a secret than you think it is.

And honestly, it's kind of like an open secret.

If you're at a mall in Cleveland picking up models, I don't think you have that many connections.

So he's recruiting models that have to recruit two other models.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And they have to pay $700 for the headphones.

To the person in front of you.

And finally, my stepdad, Frank, ends up getting about $14.50 from each person.

But that adds up.

That adds up.

And don't worry, we keep it all offshore, okay?

Okay, good.

Wow.

I mean, what an interesting person you are.

I mean, quite honestly, when we saw you on the street, I was like, this is a beautiful teen.

We got to get her into the studio.

I love

that.

I was so far away from you, and I got scared at first when you screamed at me.

But then I was less scared when I got close.

Well, it was three streets away.

Yeah, I was down the block.

We had to chase you down, assume that you're right.

I just saw the outline of you.

He wasn't screaming words.

He was just screaming.

Can I just say, you guys are pretty fast runners.

Yeah, well, you know,

you're surprised.

Yeah,

when you got something.

Yeah, you came up to us like a character from a Japanese horror film and said, I have a secret I want to share.

And we were like, well, let's get this teen girl on the mic.

Let's go.

I just like walking on my hands.

That was, let's talk about that.

That was fucking awesome.

That was fucking sick.

You have a lot of skills, yet I feel like you're misusing all your, I think you're misdirecting a lot of your energy surgeon.

And also, you're just, when we practice to deceive, you know, you're really making a mess of your life.

Do you think?

It's got to be hard to keep all these stories straight and all these, you know, compartmentalizing everything the way it is.

It's not healthy.

It is.

And to be worse, I got prom next week and nobody's asked me.

Oh, no.

I'm making Giles go with me.

Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the prom for seniors?

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Isn't the prom the same day as the inspector is coming to visit the site and you have no idea how you're going to be able to swing both?

Yeah, it's going to be really hard.

Oh, are you going to have to go back and forth?

I don't have to bring my wig to prom.

No.

I brought my beard to prom in high school.

Change in and out of your out of your gown and then back into work gears.

Man, those late night weekend inspections, they kill you.

You're going to get busted when you're like underneath dancing with a a accidentally have your hard hat on, but you're in a full prom.

But then all the other people in high school will be like, that looks pretty cool.

And suddenly they'll all have hard hats on.

They'll all be like, I want to work in non-union construction.

To be worse, Paul, my date, asked Annika to the prom, and so I don't really know what to do.

So I made Giles come with me.

And who's Giles?

Has he been mentioned yet?

No.

Giles?

No, I was going to fire him.

And then I said if he really wants the job, then he can do me a little favor.

And that favor is coming to prom, which is a good thing.

So he's your own man from the construction side.

of the construction side.

You don't meet a lot of fucking rock breakers named Giles these days.

He's 6'8 ⁇ , 350 and

about 45 years old.

I'm not gonna say my type, but that's hot.

For me, not for you.

Removing you from the context, that's hot to me.

To make it even more complicated, it's Paul's uncle.

Oh, no.

And which Paul is this?

The Paul that's a friend or the Paul that you love?

Scott, I feel like you're not listening to me.

He's the one asking you this.

Well, there's two Pauls.

Yes.

Well, three if you include

Paul over here.

That's true.

Let's keep me out of it.

Please.

I am not taking you to prom.

Who's Paul's uncle?

No, which Paul is the uncle.

Giles is Paul's the nephew.

Yeah, the uncle of Paul's.

Which Paul is the nephew?

It's a different Paul.

Oh,

a third Paul.

See, this is our confusion.

So, a Paul who goes to your high school with you?

He's a shoe-in for the lead in the musical.

Oh, wait.

He's going to be.

Was he at Leymes?

No, it's Heather's.

Heather's the the man.

And you keep auditioning to play Cassette.

Well, I'm hoping that they're going to see my audition and look at me and go, wow, we couldn't imagine anybody else in the role.

So we're going to change the show.

Change the entire show rather than just.

I got the cash.

I've offered to pay to change the licensing fees.

And why haven't they taken you up on this?

Because it's going to take me a few weeks to get it from the Bahamas.

Because it's offshore.

It's offshore.

Okay, got it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

Well, I got to say, Susie Tooman,

you're a very interesting person.

I'm so glad you dropped by.

But we have to take a break.

Does that surprise you?

Am I allowed to go into the hallway for a little bit?

Is that door going to get open?

You're not.

Okay.

We're me?

Yes, I'm okay with a break.

We do have to take a break.

But can you stick around?

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am talking to you.

Yes.

Okay.

I feel like she's not listening to you.

Yeah.

You're the one not listening.

I got to go.

Oh, no, no.

Stick around.

Stick around.

Yeah, we have a break.

But when we come back, we have more Andy Richter.

We have more intern Gino.

We have this teenager Susie Tooman.

He's beside me.

There you go.

All right.

I'd love to hear that during the break if you could.

No, thank you.

All right.

All right.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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You know, when you

think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

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They even have decor and merge from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween.

A rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So yeah.

So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score goal today at Wayfair.com.

That's W A Y F A I R.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

Comedy bang, bang, we're back.

Andy Richter is here.

Three questions.

Oh, sorry.

I'm still choked up from that song.

Oh, it wasn't.

I thought she wasn't going to.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

The first line over and over and over.

I got to regause my fucking shit.

Did you think I couldn't do it or I wouldn't do it?

Both.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just checking.

I thought you would refuse and then also be unable to.

No, and instead I was too willing.

I wouldn't stop.

No, yeah.

You did stop, though.

So thank you for that.

Although

we had to shut down for about two hours while you did all this.

But we're back up and running.

And Andy Richter, The Three Questions, is anywhere you get podcasts.

Is that correct?

Or have you withheld it from certain podcasts?

No, no, no.

You can get it anywhere.

It's actually being sold

on little flash drives at truck stops.

Oh, okay, great.

I got an episode in a bottle at a bodega.

Oh, okay.

And it was fucking great.

I cracked it open.

I thought it was going to be a Sobe lizard drink.

And then it turns out it was a full episode of Three Questions with Solomon Giorgio.

It was fucking amazing.

Scott, I wasn't allowed to ask a question.

Oh, yeah, please ask Andy a question if you like.

Yeah.

Well, you did.

Oh, no, you're right.

You didn't.

Okay, yes.

Well, I guess my question would be:

something I've been thinking about a lot, which is: if you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that name be?

Oh, like, if you had to, if you, no, third name, probably.

If you had to put a name between your first name and your last name, what would that name?

Sort of in the center.

No, that's the middle name.

Weirdly enough, you were on pattern and you weren't here earlier.

Scott.

Scott.

Whoa!

Whoa.

What?

What the fuck is that?

It's me.

I'm you.

Scott.

Oh, wait.

Who are what?

Who?

I'm you.

Where?

You?

When?

Why?

How?

The reporter's question.

Wait a minute.

This can't be young, Scott.

This is just a tall, white comedian guy.

No, no, I'm you.

When you were 15.

Oh, my God.

A portal just opened up in the studio.

You're another teenager.

This lanky, good-looking fellow just stepped out of it.

What math are you taking?

Algebra.

Ah, what a genius.

You're a fucking liar.

Okay.

Look, I came here today to stop you from doing something.

Today, your whole

time traveler?

Yes.

Yeah, someone came to me and said, Today, your whole life gets ruined.

Oh, as an adult, man, start talking about how hot a 15-year-old is.

Oh, you're a little late.

And every, what?

Yeah.

Don't even worry.

I'm not 15.

What?

I'm 14.

Oh, oh, oh.

Wow.

Oh, no.

You're young for a sophomore.

I got to say.

When was your birthday?

December?

Wouldn't you like to know, Scott?

I'm too late.

I missed it.

You missed it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Classic.

Classic, Sky.

Do you want to take off that messenger bag full of comic books?

It seems like it's so heavy.

No, that's not.

It's affecting your postures.

This is all that matters to me.

This is all I have right now.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me.

Did they find out about the other thing?

Did other people find out that we had a dream where we were kissing our mom, but in kind of a like a sexy way?

I think they just did.

You just said it on Mike.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Andy Richter's here.

Yeah, Andy.

Yeah.

Oh,

let's see.

I'm 29, so this is 14 years ago.

He wouldn't have been on TBS yet.

Does it surprise you to know that he's on TBS?

I was wondering why the young you is sepiatone.

Wait, no, he's in the prime.

He's when I was number one on the call sheet a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, wow.

Wow.

You know Andy Richter.

We know Andy Richter.

That's when he was a private investigator.

We do know Andy Richter, yeah.

Can you believe it?

I mean, what an honor.

All right, so things are going good for us.

I mean,

I don't think they're going fine.

It's more things are going bad for Andy.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

I mean, and if you use that to measure your own success, which is what something a lot of people do is like, well, at least this person's doing awful.

Like, I can bounce.

You know, and I can't.

You can use that to me.

Oh, I use that constantly.

Yeah, exactly.

At least I'm not this fucking guy.

Yeah, yeah.

That's how I get most of my ambition is like, that fucking guy?

Yeah, wow.

Typical Andy, right?

Yeah, that's what Andy.

You're a fan.

Andy did one episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

It was like, I got to get my own.

It's this easy.

Just sit there and let other people fucking answer questions.

Why do other people make shit up and you just sit there and do even less questions?

Hello, Italy.

Hello, three-figure salary.

What are we?

Are we a radio?

Are we a FM talk show?

Yeah, it doesn't say.

A podcast?

Do you know what a podcast is?

No, no.

It's like the radio, but less cool.

I don't know if you know what a digital video recorder is, but I consider podcasting to be like DVR'd radio.

Yes.

You can listen to it.

This is what's crazy because this blew my fucking eye.

I'm a radio major.

TiVo.

You probably understand.

Oh, yeah.

TiVo.

Yeah.

Did you know what TiVo was?

2001.

Oh, you would know it, right?

I think they are.

You would know it.

Yeah,

early adopters of TiVo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is?

He has a great podcast with a guy named Obama, who's going to be coming around soon.

Okay.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, they did a nice eight-episode series or something.

That feels like a lot of work.

Well, if you come from 2001, you might not like the name on Bob.

Yeah.

That might be a little close to something else.

I've heard what's going on around 2001.

Oh, okay.

Oh,

you may want to say that.

Can you do me a favor?

Because you came here to save Scott.

Could you pass a message back to 2001 when you get there?

To Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah.

Tell him to go.

Get on board.

Get on the plane.

And he's the only one who.

Stop it.

Oh, and tell Seth McFarlane, take the flight.

Okay.

Yeah, I know Mark Wahlberg.

You You know Mark Wahlberg?

I know who that is.

Marky Mark, yeah, good vibrations, yeah.

That's everything you know.

Where's the time machine located?

It's not in the World Trade Center, is it?

No, no, no.

It's not our parents' business.

It's in it.

Oh, okay.

Imagine if he goes back and then all of a sudden there's no Ted.

Oh, yeah.

How would our lives be different?

Wait, I have a question.

Would that mean that it didn't work?

Because if we know who Seth McFarland is right now, does that mean he went back in time and it didn't work?

Oh, well, that's if

you subscribe to the traditional single-tail time travel.

I can't do that.

I can't do this, actually.

I'm sorry I asked the question.

I know someone who didn't understand these kind of things the last time they were on the show.

Got very confused about it.

Yeah, I think, Susie, you've got enough stuff floating around in there.

We don't need to add.

Why doesn't Paul like me?

Do you know why Paul doesn't like me?

Like her?

Does that happen?

Something that's happening right now?

He might be in his father's balls by the time you go back.

Or maybe in a coffee cup.

Help us on that.

I'll do the Mark Wahlberg thing.

I don't know the Seth McFarlane.

Oh, okay.

Around your time, he's singing karaoke at the Brass Monkey here in town.

Okay, he actually seems easier to get a hold of.

Yeah,

he's there where he was.

He's actually there with a bunch of porn stars, if I remember correctly.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, I'll try that then.

Let's see if they'll let a 15-year-old get in with some porn stars and a guy singing karaoke at a bar.

All right, I'll try that.

In my experience, they absolutely won't.

Might I recommend a short wig and a hat?

It lets you get away with a lot, apparently.

You'd be surprised.

Okay.

Heart blanche.

Yeah.

Can you change anything about my life?

I mean,

what I was thinking of doing, you tell me, because we're the same person, but at this time in our life, I know we really wanted to be in O-Town.

The little Pearl Pearl

factory.

Ashley beat us out.

Ashley Angel?

Yeah.

He beat us out for that.

So I was going to try to go back and see if I could do something to change the narrative.

Yeah, turn him into an actual angel.

This is why you have the Pearlman tattoo?

Yeah, exactly.

I knew you loved the guy.

I didn't know why.

Well, I thought it was funny.

It's a pearl necklace because it's around my clavicle.

Then he asked a Pearlman necklace.

He asked if he could give me a pearl necklace, and I kind of got everything confused.

Pearlman.

F1,

Lou Pearlman, in this time, right?

F1 still loves Lou Perlman in this time?

No, no, he's no longer with us.

And people were excited about that, that he passed away.

Oh, wow.

A lot of stuff is.

Oh, here's the thing.

I wouldn't use my, oh, I don't even want to explain what the internet is, but I wouldn't do any modern research as to some of It's

your favorite actors.

What?

The internet?

I didn't have the internet until 2011.

Oh, no, no.

It was, I mean, back in the 90s, maybe even the 80s.

Jesus Christ.

No, I was on Prodigy Bulletin Boards in 2010.

The band?

Yeah.

I was going, like, who is the fire starter?

Come play my game up.

Turn out to be Drew Barrymore.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I hope he fixed his hair.

Yeah.

But is there anything else we want?

He's no longer with us as well, marginally.

Anything you want to change?

Anything we could.

i mean yeah i mean if you could just uh if you ever hear the word podcast if you could just like stay away from it all and just go like i'm not gonna do those anymore i have i'm gonna focus on my writing career my directing career i have a pitch demand a sequel for shark tale yes demand a sequel

when they tell you no okay all right don't take no for an answer all right

shark tale is shark tale is the fucking nexus of society if we get shark tale 2 and god forbid shark tale 3d we can get the world back back on its fucking axis.

Yeah.

Tell Jeffrey Katzenberg that $175 million in the theaters in the U.S.

alone is actually good for where the movie business is heading.

He's going to wish he had $175 million animated feature with Will Smith and Jack Black.

Oh, Will Smith?

Will Smith?

Yeah, he's, well, he's not doing all that great these days.

But do we know him?

Yeah, we're big friends of his.

Whoa, holy smokes.

Andy Richter, Will Smith.

What a life.

What are you complaining about?

I'm more of a Chris Rock guy, so I worked with him on the Oscars.

Oh, okay.

Fair enough.

So, yeah, that won't make any sense to you for quite a number of reasons.

It didn't look like it made much sense to me.

That's a room.

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

Wait, did you watch clips before coming in here?

No, just this room right here.

Oh, okay.

There was no reaction when you said it.

That's all.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

Well, I'm used to that, by the way.

Yeah, the 20 years that you've...

Yeah, that makes sense.

On the break,

we'll show you King Richard.

Yeah.

So you can have some context.

So you'll know who Venus and Serena are.

You don't even have to do that.

And that's what you need for the context, is to watch King Richard.

Yeah, then you'll understand everything

going on.

Perfect sense after that.

Did we ever get to sing Les Miz?

No, unfortunately, no.

I got to watch it a couple of times.

Okay.

You like Les Miz?

Well, yeah, we love it.

It's our favorite musical.

We love it.

Aside from the Music Man and sometimes West Side Story, depending on casting.

Right, exactly.

Really?

Yeah, well, sure.

Sometimes you see it in like an all-white city, and it feels a little weird watching that one, you know, but then sometimes you go where it's cast a little bit better, and it feels like more of a fun production.

Wow, what else do you like?

We like all the stuff.

We like comic books.

Our favorite color is.

Yeah, of course.

Green.

Oh, greenish, purple.

Purpleish green type of color.

I love green and purple.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

it's very gnawish.

It's very gnawless.

Hey, younger me.

Yeah.

I think you got a shot with this beautiful, beautiful 14-year-old.

Is this the one you caught smoking hot a bunch of times?

You need to back off this guy.

I can hear you whispering to your team.

She's really into shit.

Also, I don't think you guys should be that close to each other because if you accidentally accidentally touch, God knows what can happen, right?

We've been touching under the table.

Okay.

We've disproved that theory.

I see even young Ackerman has wildly long legs.

Yeah.

Oh, they're like twirled together like pasta underneath here.

What the fuck is going on?

It feels comfortable.

I don't know.

It's like, it's like wrapping yourself in a blanket of yourself.

I think you could take her into the earwolf restroom, the one where you can't flush the toilet paper for some reason.

And you could maybe, you know, get something going here.

You know, I mean, I was a virgin for so, so long.

You could change that.

Okay.

Wow.

I would never have to do podcasts anymore.

Okay.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what I'm here for.

Maybe that's why I'm here.

Yeah.

Lose your virginity in the future.

Okay.

Okay.

Scott's really rolling the dice here on his younger self.

Please.

I'm totally having sex, but if you could break the curse of virginity, then.

Everything would be different for me.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Hit her up.

Hit her up.

Oh, god, this is fucked up.

I don't want to be.

It's really weird.

It's really weird.

Sound speeds.

Hey, yeah.

Hi.

You like Le Miz?

Yeah, I love Le Miz.

It's my favorite musical.

Wow.

Oh, sorry.

My phone is buzzing.

Oh, sorry.

Do you want me to answer it?

Yes, please.

Hello.

Yeah, I'm still, I got fucking nails.

I got hammers.

I don't know what we need to get done here.

Fuck off, Johnny.

Okay.

Sorry about that.

Wow.

What?

You have a phone that that's small?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm actually getting into it.

They got really small for a while, and then they gradually are getting bigger and bigger.

Oh, weird.

It says President Seth McFarlane is solving climate change.

That's pretty pretty exciting.

Wow.

President Seth McFarland.

President Seth McFarland.

No, we said tell him to get on the plane.

Oh, but still, that means I must have done something.

So maybe Seth McFarlane stopped 9-11.

Oh.

Yeah, that's what we learned about in school.

So much better.

Instead of having 9-11, we'll have more

Teds.

Hey, as a lifelong New Yorker, I can't believe I'm going to root for the fucking Florida pilot class.

I can't wait for the crooning fireside chats.

More than the 16 Teds that we have that we have to learn about in history class.

Oh my God,

our whole reality is changing.

Wow.

The TCU.

Oh, my God.

Wait, let me check my penis.

Nothing different.

What?

You never sealed the deal?

How do you think sex happens?

Your penis changes as you get older?

It's like more satisfied.

Wait, you know more about sex than I do?

No, I know the exact same.

Maybe you've lost some knowledge.

It's 8-7 Eastern time.

We got to sing the national anthem.

It seems today, like, oh, you see, the news of the anthem

TV.

I just checked while we were singing.

I looked at my dick to see if it changed, and I have tattooed the words giggity, giggity down my shit.

Oh, no.

But I have normal human balls, and they're full of cums, Scott.

So when it stops, it just says GG.

And I show it after I play pickup basketball, so everyone knows I'm just saying good game.

By the way, this is a podcast.

That's another definition.

We talk about penises and balls a lot.

Got it.

Yeah, it sounds like everything happened to all this stuff happened to everyone except for us.

We're the exact same.

We're exactly the same.

Well, I don't know.

I wish you could change my life, but it looks like I'm locked in here.

Well, Andy, there's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.

Sure.

What's your middle name?

Oh, no, we covered this already.

Yeah.

I can't do anything.

No, you're not going to find out for another 20 years.

No, I changed it.

I changed it to Jay.

Oh.

Yeah, just so it's because since I work for Jay now, I

can I just say the timeline is the timeline is wow.

Yeah, yeah.

I just

plays bass for Jay Linda.

I play bass for his band.

The psychologist.

And I shine the fan boat.

That's what I do.

As a comedian, your time on that show was really important to me.

It taught me that comedy.

You're a comedian now?

Well, it taught me that comedy is not for everybody and I should maybe do something else.

Oh, okay.

It kind of inspired Susie to get into denim and then construction.

Yeah,

what's your life like now, Susie?

Me?

Yeah.

Yes, you.

I'm listening.

I bet your life's way less complicated.

It's pretty simple, actually.

I'm a teenager and I go to school.

And then also

I'm a teen foreman on a construction site.

And then also my stepdad, Frank, unfortunately passed away in a really unfortunate mall related accident.

And so now I run his pyramid scheme.

Oh,

what's a mall-related accident?

What falls under that category?

A bunch of jeans at the gap fell on me.

Oh, no, low-rise jeans?

Yeah,

more like no-rise jeans.

They fall on, frankly.

Right, Page, yeah, RIP.

But are you with,

you know, what's his name?

Kevin?

Paul.

Oh, you're with Kevin.

There's a Kevin.

We need to talk about Kevin.

Yeah, the three Kevins in my life.

The mean Kevin from the drama program, my best friend, Kevin G, and then Kevin Giari.

What about checkers?

Yeah.

Huh?

Check.

Check.

Yeah, he decided that he was going to get into the visual arts.

Oh, okay.

Which visual arts are we talking about?

Painting.

Oh, okay.

The most visual.

Yeah.

Okay.

One of the most visual, hands down.

Wow.

It's so weird.

It seems like my life is the only one that changed with the...

Yeah, with the going back and stopping that list.

And I was based on her, and I did everything.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you to try to hit on her.

God, I fucked everything up.

The last thing I remember is you said, come in the bathroom with me, and I elbowed you in the nose.

Oh, no.

At least your nose looks better.

And then

you held the tissue to your nose, then you flushed the tissue down the toilet.

Oh, no.

And it created a space-time continuum, skip.

And now, who knows where the fucking universe is going to land?

By the way, do you have a time machine to get back, or are you stuck here now?

Oh, no.

Oh, you didn't think about this?

Well, when you're in a time machine, you don't think about that.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, you're so excited to go forward and backwards.

Oh, man.

I think we're coming up on a good sitcom idea here though.

Scott raising his 15-year-old self.

Yes.

Yeah.

I'm a very stern parent.

Okay.

Yeah.

You can teach me all the things that you would have wanted to know when you were a kid.

Sure, yeah.

And was there any lesson that when as you got older, you said, I wish I would have known that sooner.

Oh, well, you know.

That's the sex thing.

Definitely not.

Yeah, always wipe.

Oh, okay.

Always wipe.

No matter what.

Yeah.

Not 50% of the time.

Not when you want to wipe.

I'm starting to learn that one.

And a good one, too, is like when you're pushed down the stairs, tuck your chin and keep your elbows close to your body.

Yeah, don't fail.

Yeah, exactly.

Because if you're going to be Scott Ackerman for the next however many years of your life, you will be shoved down multiple friends.

Yeah, exactly.

You know what?

Just listen to the whole always wear sunscreen song.

Yeah, yeah.

That takes care of it.

That was out already when you.

Oh, but it's out now.

So since you're stuck here, you'll hear it.

Okay, perfect.

You may have to chase it down.

If you listen to it on your Android, everybody's phone, the phone that everybody uses.

I wonder what happened in the past where we all have Android.

Dude, Seth McFarlane stopping 9-11 has fucked us completely.

Everything is cats and dogs living together.

Yeah.

It's fucking twisted.

I wish you could go back and change everything.

Well, maybe I can.

I was sitting in our parents' basement listening to the new Mulan Rouge song, you know,

for the hit movie.

When all of a sudden, the power of the four queens singing came together and it helped me transport through time.

Oh, okay.

So maybe if the four of us sing together, is that...

Didn't we do that already?

Maybe that's what caused it to be here?

I don't know.

Yeah, but we didn't know the words.

Yeah, and I was singing with you that time.

The national anthem that we all kind of hummed but didn't know.

Yeah, I was in on that too.

No, believe me,

that's how it goes.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, you really want to half-ass it.

Strangely, I still have never seen an episode, even in this reality.

I think it's against the law, though.

Yeah.

To watch an episode or to not watch an episode?

Yeah, to not watch it.

To not watch an episode,

I think I'm a felon?

That means you've never been to church.

Oh my gosh.

I don't even know what that is.

Me neither.

It's just in my fucking brain.

I can't stop saying it.

Oh, wait a minute.

You know what?

We have an Earwolf time machine.

We do?

Yeah, it's right over here.

Oh, heck yeah.

Are you still allowed to use it?

Or are you got to use the CBB words?

I got to go to this machine.

I'm going to use serious channels.

I got to run.

I got to ask Dr.

Rawdog himself, the head of Raw Dog Comedy.

Yeah.

Hey, can you call Dr.

Raw Dog Devin?

Kevin?

Kevin!

We're not talking about Kevin.

Kevin!

He's doing the home Alone.

If you're wondering why he's shouting that, it's because he's slapping his cheeks.

Kevin.

You know the famous part in Home Alone where Kevin McAllister slaps his cheeks and yells his own name?

Look,

I'm just going to clear this.

Okay,

please go back

and tell Seth McFarlane not to get on the plane.

Maybe if we all sing Moulin Rouge, it'll send both Scotts back in time.

No, I don't want to go back in time.

I don't want to fucking sit here and keep listening to you yammer on and on.

Wait, you think you're going to be the host of the show if I can send it to you?

No way.

This guy's got fucking three questions lined up and ready to rock.

I'll engineer all this shit.

Shit.

All right, I'll go back with you.

Okay.

All right.

This is the worst thing we can possibly do, but let's do it.

Let's see if it's going to scare the shit out of your parents.

Okay.

They don't notice.

Look,

they can ignore two people at once.

Yeah.

Let's do it after our final feature, though, okay?

Because we're running out of time.

We just have time for one final feature on the show.

That's a little something called plugs.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Well, here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Now, here's the thing.

It's clobber in time.

That's the thing.

That was the thing.

That was here's the thing by Chris Finky.

Seems like they took every time anyone said here's the thing on the show.

And then put clobber in time.

Put clobber in time by the.

Yeah, interesting.

Thanks so much to Chris Finky for that.

All right, what are we plugging?

Andy, what do you have here?

Obviously, three questions is out there in the world.

It's been going now for about

approximately two years or so?

No,

longer than that, but I'm not good at that sort of thing.

Okay, maybe three years.

Coming up on the third anniversary or three years, something like that.

Yeah, there's the three questions.

And then, I don't know, you know,

I've been in things, but now I don't know what our present reality is, so I don't know what to plug.

Is New York Minute still a thing that you're in?

I believe, yeah, that will not go away.

Okay, that, you know, that survives in all timelines.

Well, you know,

you got to remember the low notes, so the high notes really sing.

You know, I did two hours of work on that movie.

I'll tell you the story.

I think we talked about it.

I'm just waiting for that one to get me canceled.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I do a like Charlie Chan Chinese accent.

Oh, dear.

Okay, let's not

have that

in the plug bag at all.

I'll see what I can do.

I'll see if I can go back and see.

See if you can stop the Olson twins.

Good luck.

To stop you from doing their movie.

It was easy to stop me.

I needed the money.

Yeah, that's true.

Young Scott Ackerman kills Mary Kate and Ashley Olson.

Misread the assignment.

Yeah.

Gino, anything you want to plug?

Yeah, you know, I don't really have much going on, but one of my favorite Long Island comedians after...

Oh, this has got to be Alec Baldwin.

Yeah, it's after Alec Baldwin, one of my favorite Long Island comedians comedians and stuntmen.

And I just got to bump it down to the second best guy, you know, go past Jerry, Eddie, you know, all the way down.

All the way down.

Tim Dylan.

You get down below that.

Dr.

Jay.

You got John Gabris.

This guy is fucking great.

Oh, the original Dr.

Jay.

Yeah, I thought it was Gabris.

You know,

he apparently just leans into the gay stuff because

it helped him be bullied in like seventh grade.

He didn't develop who he was.

Got it.

Why?

What's he up to?

He's actually, it turns out he's hosting a travel show with Adam Pally on True TV.

So if you happen to live in a hospital waiting room or another place that has True TV, tune in on July 14th at 10.30 p.m.

Because that's the premiere episode.

Okay, so that's 101 places to party before you die.

Wow, it's a little far away from there right now, but set your DVRs right now and maybe you'll come back and talk about it.

Yeah, maybe I'll come back because, you know, John texted me and he's like, do me a favor.

You got to gas me up.

I'm on True.

I don't know what the fuck, where my life is going and shit.

so i so i came in here just tried to get it popping off all right fantastic no and thank you for that oh of course uh intern gino and uh susie toman what uh uh what do you want to put uh just say a little prayer for me i got a math test on tuesday and then after that i gotta lay off a bunch of guys right before christmas because they're trying to get health care oh geez

this is really before christmas by the way

this is six months or so yeah but i gotta gear up for it oh okay wait you're doing it right before christmas and you're just like gearing up for it yeah yeah yeah i've decided I'm going to do it just because it's more fun that way.

You know what I mean?

And I guess if you really want to do something, you can follow at VICMMIC across all social media platforms if you really feel like.

Really want to do something.

Yeah.

Okay.

And young me, what I've only been here for like a couple minutes, but I already know that one of the greatest improv shows in all of Los Angeles.

Oh, so you're into improv.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't.

Oh, if you like improv, you're going to love 2000s.

That's when people gave a fuck about it.

Right, yeah.

I'll get those to like it.

Yeah.

The people who do it, love it.

People now they feel like it's just better if you write things down.

Okay, all right.

Well, I'll maybe take that note.

Maybe not.

We'll see.

Hi, guys.

I'm Bet Ninja, though.

There's this great show in LA called Holy Shit Improv.

You can follow them at Holy Shit Improv on Instagram.

They do shows every Monday.

They've had groups like Big Grande.

They've had Lauren Lapkus, Carl Tart, all your favorites.

You can watch it online or in person every Monday.

Holy shit improv.

Check it out.

Okay, great.

I want to plug, obviously, the Comedy Bang Bang tour is coming up all of August, August 1st through 28th.

We're going to be hitting all of your favorite cities if you like the cities that we're going to.

And from Minneapolis to Toronto, everywhere in between, we're doing it all of August.

So head over to cbbworld.com.

There's a tour page where you can get ticket links.

And then while you're there at CBB World, obviously there's a lot of shows happening.

We have Scott Hasn't Seen and the Andy Daily Podcast Project, and CBB presents a lot of good ones coming out lately.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Take the other, put it down.

You're gonna make a box.

It's time to start to close it.

But don't close it too much, or you open up the plug back.

We're opening up that plug bag.

And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world.

I'm talking, open up the plug bag.

I open up the plug bag.

Open up the plug bag.

Cause I glad you can.

Then you open up your heart.

Open up the plug bag.

You played the short version.

Yeah.

Wow, that was the 2022 Closing Up the Plug Bag Theme by John Astonished.

Thank you so much to John Astonished.

Now, Gino, you took your headphones off.

We got six more months?

That's for all of 2022?

First movie of the Groundhog.

Yeah, you saw a shadow, so we got six more months of it.

Guys, I want to thank you so much.

Andy, so great to see you.

Thanks for coming on.

A fellow podcaster, of course, and a fellow broadcasting legend.

Yes, one of the merry few.

And Inter Geno, of course.

Baba Booye.

Yes, you got it out.

Say oh, no, by the way.

This is the oh no era, by the way.

You haven't said oh no the entire time.

Oh, there you go.

Okay, thank you so much.

Susie Tooman, great.

Yes, you.

Yes, I'm talking to you.

And I'm listening to you.

Thank you so much for that.

Thank you.

All right.

And Scott, young Scott.

Should we do it?

Do you want to go on one last adventure?

Let's do it.

Let's go back in time, and then Andy can take over the show.

Okay.

And Gino, you'll no longer...

I'm busy.

You're busy.

Yeah, I got some shit to do.

Rip, what are you you doing?

No, I don't want to get into it, but I got a job at Stumptown, Cream and Coffees.

Oh, okay.

So I got to stay yaked up on C.

Alice and fucking THC and all the stuff.

A little bit of red wine, all the stuff to get you a little Randy.

Are you also only coming in every four months for that job?

Yeah.

I'm coming in and I'm being fucking emptied.

That's for sure.

Susie, you want to come back in time with us?

No, thank you.

Okay, all right.

Well, let's do this.

You ready?

We're going to lose our virginities together.

Okay, I'm starting up the time machine.

What lucky woman will get to fuck the same man that is 20 years age now?

Do you want to double team anyone back then?

Like a weird Pepsi challenge.

I'd love to.

I pushed him through.

Oh, my God.

I'm staying here.

You're never going to take my show from me, Andy.

What?

I knew this was a big

plot on your...

You brought the time machine in here to begin with.

I already told Jay.

You and Jay together?

Yeah, we were going to do it together.

This sucks.

Young Scott seemed more chill.

Is it less sad that he was in the back?

He throws me in.

Gino, I pushed him back in time, too.

And I'll do it.

They pushed me back.

They had a 30-second interaction with someone from 2000.

Seth McFarland pushed you back in time.

Seth McFarland, I was like, giggity, giggity.

And he shoved me right in the chest.

Gino, where are you from?

I'm from Long Island.

What?

No.

My brain is telling me I'm from Maplewood, New Jersey.

Oh, no.

He's putting a gun in his mouth.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't play them close enough to blood bag song, please.

I'm a cowboy.

I'm a steel horse I ride.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Say swap

and cut audio, end episode.

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Early morning meeting, blah.

Someone brought the pebbles, Yaba-dabba-doo.

Run errands, blah.

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