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Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Batman fits in a suit because his booty's so tight.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Go Home Sam for that catchphrase submission submitted on January 31st, 2023.

Just getting around to it.

Thank you so much, Go Home Sam.

Hope you're still alive and could hear that.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition.

My name is Scott Auckerman, and I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang.

Coming up a little later, this is an exciting show.

We have a mother who will be on the show.

Okay.

And before we get to them,

we've talked about it, the tier of guests, movie stars up at the top, then TV stars, then authors, then stand-up comedians with a special,

and then podcasters.

And today we have some podcasters with us.

This is exciting.

And not only that, but they're

citizens of the United States.

That's true.

They also are

community,

I want to say activists, but that's not exactly what you're saying.

I wouldn't give that us that title.

There's a lot of things I'd call us.

Participants activists.

We are participants.

That's great, Doug.

Yes,

community participants.

They participate in their community, and today they're participating in this one, Comedy Bang, Bang.

They have a podcast of notes, season nine of which comes out this week.

And it is entitled The Neighborhood Listen.

Please welcome back to the show, Burnt Me a Payday, Joan pedestrian and doug pedestrian corn welcome

babe i know doug what is it doug pedestrian oh i'd hate to issue a correction right now okay it's okay i think it's best just get it out you like the fans i think you have to just correct me on whatever i got wrong immediately it's usually corn pedestrian yeah i mean not even usually it's all say you're corn name it's only doug corn pedestrian he took my last name conventionally it's corn pedestrian and your and your last name is was corn corn yeah that's my maiden name the k is backwards or the r is right the k is backwards

F case.

Yes.

Yeah, that sounds different from the band.

That's right.

You didn't want to get sued.

Which is neat.

Well, sure.

The band didn't exist back there.

Wouldn't that be terrible to be sued for your own name?

I don't want to get sued for that.

Me neither.

Welcome back to the show, guys.

So well, so welcome.

And we feel so welcome.

And I will say, I am a mother as well.

So you're going to have two mothers.

Two mothers on the show.

This is unprecedented.

This has never happened before.

Are you a fathered Bernt?

No, I am not.

Not that I hate to say this, but not that I know of.

Was there any occasion where that could have happened where you blasted up in someone without any protection?

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but of course that's happened dozens of times.

And, you know,

I've certainly

funded my share of abortions.

Bernd is so deep.

He is deep red right now.

He's a deep shade of red, and he is sweaty.

We don't talk about to him.

Does anyone have an average number?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm just saying, I'm done.

As far as I know, I'm done.

Done blasting up.

I'm done.

Well, I don't know.

Al Pagino and Robert De Niro, they're in there.

Did they have a baby together?

You can't understand him at all.

They were looking for Steve Gutenberg to be a three-man in a baby situation, but it didn't work out.

That'll be interesting.

Wouldn't it be interesting?

What if it had been those two and who else?

Howie Mandel?

Famous German.

Just one comedian.

Do you feel that Howie is more adjacent to Robert De Hero and Al Pacito than?

I was trying to think of, see, there were two, in my mind, there was Ted Danson and there were Tom.

There were Tom Selleck and there were Ted Danson.

Tam Selleck.

Tam Selleck.

Tam Sellek.

Tom Selleck.

And Todd Donson.

And Ted Donson.

And they were, they were sort of the, you know,

they were sort of the hoodies.

And I love Steve Gutenberg, but he was definitely kind of like the goofy guy.

I was trying to think of who the third goofy guy would be.

You had the three types with those guys.

You had the three types.

Steve Gutenberg.

Goofy.

Goofy.

Ted Danson.

Hot TV star.

Hot TV star.

Tom Teller.

Other hot TV stars.

Yes, the three types of stats.

With a mustache.

That was a genre of its own.

Yes, that's very true.

Now, Al McCraney.

Does Al Pacino have a mustache?

We don't know at this point.

No.

Does anyone have eyes on Al Pacino?

Not his facial hair.

Has he ever done anything where he's had just a mustache?

Maybe cruising?

Did he have a mustache and cruising?

I don't believe he had a mustache.

You know, this is a little embarrassing to admit, but whatever.

It's a podcast.

This is where you shared those things.

Yeah, this is where you embarrass yourself.

This is where you embarrass yourself.

I had a crush on this was pre, this was pre-Doug.

Oh, PhD.

Well, we went on a break, actually.

I'm going to say it was right around this time.

This is no, no, this is no, we talked about quickly in high school.

We had a quick break.

Quick break.

And when I was in high school, there was another boy that I had, that I kind of had a little bit of crush on, but didn't really pay attention to it until we were on a break.

And I found out that his favorite movie.

Yeah, well, he was, and also, just so you know, I'm not a movie actress.

i'm not a tv actress i'm a local actress scott i just want to let you know we decided amateur actress local to your own town though dignity falls correct amateur actress sounded too sad and and and

yeah so we decided local actress is fine yeah um but uh this boy was an actor and he was so good he did our play he did flowers for algernon he played charlie

charlie so good you got to be smart and dumb yes you do and he was very tall and handsome and he looked like robert sean letter from dead post aside do you remember him sure i do after my capsmith Smith wouldn't let him do Midsummer Night's Dreams.

Oh, what an asshole.

Well, he did it anyway.

He did it anyway.

Daniel J.

Lewis's son in the age of innocence.

That's right.

That's right.

Well, anyways,

we hung out once, and he mentioned his favorite movie was at the time, was Scent of a Woman.

And he said that he had the whole monologue at the end memorized.

The whole and everything?

Yes.

And I went home and I memorized it so that I could perform it for him the next time we hung out.

I wanted to impress him.

Isn't that so nerdy?

I'm so embarrassed.

He's the one who memorized it.

Yes.

And I thought, well, I got to do it too.

I want to show him up.

If he's memorized it, then I memorize it and do it for him and show that I've memorized it.

He's got to fall in love with me.

That's right.

And it's funny because I was just thinking about that whole experience out of nowhere the other day, and I decided to pull up the monologue.

It is ridiculous, you guys.

Do you know any of it right now?

I just remember the part where he goes, bad man.

Bad man, what the hell is that?

And he says that because Baird is the name of the place, right?

And it's Philip Seymour Hoffman and that ridiculous rich boy haircut, right?

And he's just sitting there looking sad.

And then, of course, there's the, you know,

I take a fly throw to this place.

There's that one.

There's that one.

But this is a different one.

And then he says something like,

well, I had to, I'm saying the ones I remember.

Is this the one where he goes, she's got a great ass?

That's not the monologue.

It might have been.

That's an ease.

Oh, okay.

Although he could have said it in every movie.

He had the option.

I don't know if he ever availed himself of that.

You think he had a little box that he could have checked?

Do you want to say she's got a great ass in this movie?

Yes or no?

Before every shoot, he huddles with the director and says, now look.

This is yours if you want it.

Would you like me to say she's got a great ass?

And I believe he is the only one that he checked that box.

Yeah.

And it's hard to focus on what's weirder.

It's just, you know, his acting of being blind or his acting of, you know, just being this.

I think he was an old general or something.

He was like a retired army man.

He says, I would fight you, but I'm too fucking old.

I'm too fucking blind.

And then he talks about Chris O'Donnell.

He says, Charlie's soul is intact.

That's a good one.

When he says, intact.

He really puts the emphasis on it.

That stuck with me, you know?

Yeah.

Clearly.

Clearly, it did.

I'm amazed how much happened during our quick break.

I'm always amazed.

Now,

it was only a week, to be clear.

We were only broken up for a week, but I tried my best to sort of enjoy that freedom.

For sure.

You developed a crush on this boy instantly that you'd taken no notice of.

No, I have to be honest.

I had said I had a little crush in him that I'd ignored.

I'd put it to the side because I really was in love with Doug.

I guess I'm not familiar with that concept of having a crush that you ignore.

Oh, really?

Because you were busy blasting up everybody.

Now, hold on a second, Joan.

Joan.

Now, we should tell everyone the premise of this podcast in case anyone hasn't heard of it.

But this is just like our show.

We forget to mention it.

Exactly who you are.

Indeed.

Now, you are a married couple, Joan and Doug.

We are married, yes.

And it seems to be high school sweethearts or junior high.

Indeed, yes, high school sweethearts.

That's right.

That's right.

And Bernd, where do you fit in to all of this?

Well, we're friends.

Joan and you.

The three of you or just Joan and you?

Well, you know what?

It used to be just the two of us, but Doug and I are now friends.

Explicitly.

Wow.

Okay, so

we can dwell on that.

In the process of doing the eight seasons plus of this podcast,

your relationship has deepened.

Yes.

I don't think that's fair to say.

Bernd was a pharmacist at CBS, and now you are the pharmacist.

Pharmacist-in-chief at the Dignity Falls Museum.

Yes.

Congratulations, Winnie.

It's a beautiful state-of-the-art.

State of the art, what does that mean when you say state-of-the-art?

Like more microscopes?

Well, we do have, I mean, you joke, but we do have way more microscopes than the average phone.

How many, like the average pharmacy, how many did they have?

Maybe two.

How many do you have?

Okay, they have maybe two.

How many do you have?

60.

60 microscopes.

There's a hall of microscopes.

Oh, wow.

Now, are these microscopes that have been retired over the years?

No, no, no.

They're in use.

They're okay.

So this is...

We have pharmacists looking at things through microscopes all day long.

You also have a macroscope.

We do have a macroscope, which is very, everyone's afraid to touch it.

So, that's taking a look at big things and making them look normal.

In the commercial for the pharmacy, there's those shots of like, you know, just like 60 people.

They just run the camera down.

They're all working the microscope.

So, it looks very, it looks very active.

Everyone's turning knobs.

There's also a large fountain in the middle of the falls.

Missy, right outside, there's a cliff diver.

It's a beautiful three-story fountain.

Well, it's inside.

It's inside, yes.

An indoor fountain.

An indoor fountain.

An indoor fountain.

It's huge.

And,

you know, we had for a while, we had a window where you could see like a sort of mechanized,

you know, pill bottles being filled.

Oh, sure.

And go down an assembly line.

And then it took so long because they could only make one pill at a time.

Oh, yeah.

See, this is the thing about mechanization.

You know, sometimes the human hand is way better for this kind of work.

Boy, Scott, that's true.

And thank you for saying that because there's, in many ways,

pharmacists are artisans.

Yes,

I've always felt that way.

Thank you.

Always.

Thank you.

It was, I believe, my first thought.

Really?

The first thought you can remember.

Remember, the first one that I can remember having is, boy, pharmacists are artisans, are they not?

That's strange.

You think that's strange?

You're in the profession, and you think that's strange.

Well, for a child to have that thought, yes.

Do you see a

chunk of raw material and you just see a pill inside of it?

Oh, right.

Like a marble statue.

You cut away anything that is not the pill.

Anything that's not the pill.

Uh-huh.

Oh, now that's poetic.

Yeah.

So Dignity Falls is where you live, and it's a

town

in the United States of America.

Westish East

Middle.

Right.

And you

are, the two of you are friends.

Now the three of you are friends.

And you do this show where you bring on people who live in the town.

Is that safe to say?

Yes.

We like to shine a light on our neighborhood of Dignity Falls, and we invite citizens, residents

of the neighborhood to come on and talk about whatever they want to talk about.

Anyone who's just passing through or well we use this app we have called the Neighbor Hap.

You know, if you go on there, if it's in your zip code, you'll see things like, oh, was that a coyote last night?

Or where's my mail?

Are those gunshots?

But every once in a while.

What if there's all three of those

every day, all the time?

Yes.

I know I'm always thinking it every hour.

I'm always thinking of it.

People are like, well, why is there a helicopter?

Is the coyote shooting?

This coyote has a gun and has stolen my mail.

I haven't done my tongue twisters today.

Normally, I always do my tongue twisters.

Are you familiar with the coyote shooting?

I don't believe I am.

It's specific to Dignity Fault.

It is specific.

It's where

there are trained coyotes,

a troop of trained coyotes.

Who's training these things?

The coyote trainer.

Oh, I see.

So they're not.

Are all the questions this simple?

A trainer who's in coyote.

We elect him every year.

It's an elective position.

There is, yes.

Okay.

And so they perform on a boat.

Okay.

The coyote shoot.

The coyote shoot.

Yeah, it's true.

Incredible.

And that's

every day, six shows a day, or

every day, six shows a day.

Sundays, just the afternoon.

Well, it's awful.

Well, they haven't unionized yet, and it's just killing them.

They're also into it.

They're dumb animals.

Yeah.

We should also say that all the water's been drained out of the town.

So we don't have any water.

It's in the middle of the lake, but which is now a

riverboat casino that I don't even think is happening.

No one really knows.

No one knows.

I don't think anyone knows.

It just kind of evaporated.

Maybe someone left it.

We've had a series of bad mayors.

Oh, boy, that's true.

Someone took a drive act to it, maybe?

A drive act?

Is that what it means?

That's a good theory.

That's one theory.

A wet vac probably would do it.

A wet back?

Yeah, maybe a better theory.

Some kind of back.

You probably short out a dry vac, maybe?

Yeah.

Don't use your home vacuum to suck up a lake.

But anyhow, what we do is we scour the neighborhood or people send us in posts from people, real people.

We involve those people.

We invite them on to platform what it is they want to talk about.

Sometimes they want to sell things.

Sometimes they have a mystery to solve.

And yes, we invite them on.

We get to know our neighbors and we also get to hopefully help them.

And rarely do we help them.

No, because they're beyond help moment.

They don't want to help themselves.

No, they don't.

They're mostly crazy.

They're unwell.

Well, okay, now,

okay, I'm sorry.

Okay.

I feel like this is the kind of thing I would say, and you would say that.

I know, I don't see it on my podcast, but I'm on a different podcast.

This is where you share.

Exactly.

This is where you share.

And then people are damaged in the brain and they, and they, yeah, you know, they talk about things.

CT, perhaps?

Perhaps, who knows?

Like the whole town was on a football team, maybe, and all ran into each other.

So what cool town?

Like a scrimmage?

During like a

shirts and skins game or something like that.

Man, if you're a woman, you want to be on that shirt.

Our football team used to be called the Skins.

Really?

Because they were the only team in the league that would play with no shirts on.

Really?

Yeah, they'd have all the pads and everything, but no shirts.

Just no shirts.

Yeah.

And it's a very unique town.

The individuals inside of the town are oddballs, a collection of oddballs.

Who are some of the biggest guests that you've gotten recently?

We had a guy named Sybil on there.

Yes.

I heard this one.

Sybil's Bibbles, I believe, was the biggest one.

But Bibbles met lockers.

This person rented out lockers?

Yes.

Which seemed very strange and was trying to offload a bunch of keys, which ended up being only five, really, I think, that

he was trying to get rid of.

A strange guy.

A strange guy.

Yeah, certainly.

Interesting family life.

You know, they ate steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner, really.

That sounds good, actually.

Oh, he said he was very different temperatures?

He said he was backed up all the time.

That sounds good to you.

It sounds good to me.

I would imagine medium rare in the morning, medium in the afternoon.

Oh, the riddle of the Sphinx.

Well done at night.

The riddle of the Sphinx.

We had someone who was addicted to Nestle's, sorry, Hershey's cookies and cream bars and was hiding them all over town.

Why?

To what end?

So he could be

in a certain distance of a Hershey's cookies and cream bar at all wherever he was.

And so that he would burn the calories in order to eat the next one.

Then he'd eat it.

Then he'd walk over and

he would eat it.

And were they equidistant from each other?

Yes.

I asked the same question, Scott.

Wow, Doug.

You and I are so similar.

So if you picture like a spoke almost, you know, like

with his

home at the center of the wheel.

Correct.

Or his location, yeah.

We also had an interesting gal who really just wanted to platform her cat and get her cat on Instagram and get her more famous.

I'm not sure we helped with that at all.

I don't think that I haven't heard of this cat, so I don't know.

Oh, then I guess it didn't work out.

Wait, was it Garfield?

It was not Garfield.

Oh, okay.

That's the only famous.

Oh, Heathcliff.

Yes, that's the case.

Those are the two cats I know of.

What was

the rum-tum tugger?

What was his deal?

Morris.

Oh, the rum-tum tugger.

Now you're talking my language as a local language.

Yeah.

Heathcliff, his deal was he liked to eat fish bones and toss garbage cats.

I mean, he looked very much like Garfield.

Am I correct remembering this?

Hold on, everybody.

Okay.

Let's not go off the rails here.

here.

Heathcliff didn't really look like Garfield.

I think they were both orange, and that's about it.

And

Heathcliff was a very deep brick orange.

And Garfield, I think, is a more creamsicle kind of orange.

Okay, but if you're gonna be like, that's the one difference.

Burns and Heathcliff loves lasagna.

Orange cartoon cats.

That seems a little strange.

Why wouldn't you pick something out?

That's on Garfield because Heathcliff was first.

Oh, he was.

And Heathcliff did not eat fish skeletons, then he would create fish skeletons by eating the fish.

Yeah, wouldn't he actually peel?

So Burnt Skeleton, you're really getting him there.

He would create create it like Jesus.

He created the loaves and fishes?

As far as I know.

And he's dealing with he was just a cool guy.

He was very cool.

He walked on two legs.

Not on four.

To walk on four legs breaks the wall.

That would be in the evening.

Yeah.

And he,

no, that'd be in the morning.

And yeah, he just kind of did whatever he wanted.

And everyone was sort of in awe of him.

Yeah, he's sort of the neighborhood rap scallion who

wandered around.

He was feared and respected.

Yeah, did he

have an uncle, too, maybe who had a top hat with the top kind of

like coming off of his top?

I'm seeing a derby for some reason.

Okay.

Yeah.

I could be wrong.

Yeah.

Wait.

You might just want to see a derby because

I know you love a derby hat.

I often do.

I do.

You are partial to that kind of hat.

The roundness is pleasing.

I think top hats should always have a lid on top.

Yeah, we'll describe it.

What else are we doing?

We got to keep stuff in there, right?

What else are we doing?

What else are we doing?

It's not a good one.

Also, you got to take it off your head and look inside.

Otherwise, why not just pop the top off?

Yeah, and then how do you look at it?

Pop top on top hat.

What was the question?

And then how do you look at it?

You're saying.

You take it off.

If you take in the conversation, because you would have to take the top hat off and look inside it to see what you wanted.

But if you have the lid on top, then you can reach it.

And you don't go from there.

See, this is what I love about the dynamic of our podcast, because Burnt and I will talk a little bit, and then Doug will be silent.

And then all of a sudden, he'll have a thought that is just so out of left field sometimes.

We have no choice but to be able to.

We have to stop everything, and we have to ask about it because he records in a different room.

He's our engineer as well.

Oh, that's right.

So, that's your purpose on the show, Doug, is you're the engineer, and then you started talking about it.

You become a real fan favorite.

Sorry, we don't have fans.

We have listeners.

You've become a real listener favorite.

We have not confirmed a fan yet.

We don't want to presume that.

So, no one is a fanatic regarding your podcast.

No one has declared that.

No.

No.

It's also mean to call people fanatics.

That's true.

That's true.

They're just human beings who happen to listen to a show and enjoy it very much.

That's a reasonable thing to do.

Unless they're a fuzzy green creature from the Galapagos Islands.

From Philadelphia as well.

Or like by way of the world.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Now, what is happening on season nine?

This is a brand new season.

Yes.

And what is going on here?

The same thing we always do.

Wow.

13 times.

No additions, no one new to the catheter.

No one had a baby.

All of our guests.

Biggest changes are, well, I mean, I'm not sure.

The last time we were on here, I don't know.

Had you been dating your girlfriend yet?

It certainly hadn't moved in.

I don't know.

You sly dog.

I haven't heard about this.

Yeah, I have a girlfriend.

I knew it.

I knew he hadn't heard.

Who's his girlfriend?

Her name's Gabby.

She's a smoke jumper.

That's true.

Okay, this isn't Gabby from Gabby's Playhouse or Dollar Plays.

No, I don't know what that is.

I've only just learned of the existence of this thing.

And I know that certain, there's a certain demographic that's very excited for it, and I've never heard of it before.

A certain demographic of three-year-olds, which I have learned.

A certain age, yes.

Well, three to five.

My twins, who are in their 20s, regressed over the last year, and they really actually we had to we had to they they had a really rough time because they were trying to sell a reality show about pranking your parents and then they tried to write a pilot for me called Mr.

Doubtfire

But they turned the whole concept on its head and they wanted to shoot it all in one shot in our house and it was just a distance.

It was adolescent style

with a lot of nudity.

It had a lot of forefront where they they would they would blur out my face but not my my boobs.

It was very weird and they would start talking like five-year-olds and acting like five-year-olds.

They regressed.

I'm talking about my twin their twin boys.

Their names are Matt and Il Contadino.

And Il Contadino.

Yes.

And so they've regressed mentally back to five years old.

So they're watching Gabby.

So they're watching Gabby.

So that's the only reason why I'm not.

Dollhouse or playhouse, we don't know which one.

Yes.

But it is not that Gabby.

Go ahead, tell them about Gabby.

It is not that Gabby.

She does not live in a dollhouse.

She lives with me.

Oh, you are.

We have moved in together.

Congratulations.

That's a big step.

It's going wonderfully.

And what is her story, if you don't mind me asking?

She comes from a family of smoke jumpers.

Okay.

And these are people who parachute into a raging forest fire

in an effort to extinguish it.

Much like Howie Long in that movie from circa late 90s.

I'll take your word.

Early 2000s.

Sure.

Well, it's funny you mentioned it because we always have to say this is not a movie podcast on our show because we devolve into talking about movies a lot.

It's true.

But this is a movie podcast, correct?

No, it is not.

Although I would love to have you on.

Scott who hasn't seen my sister podcast.

We were.

We did that.

Oh, that's right.

Green tomatoes.

Yes, that's right.

Which shocked everyone.

I was the only one who had seen it.

Meaning, I want to have you on again, is what I'm telling you.

Oh, that's right.

Firestorm.

Sure.

Howie Long's 1998 film.

And this is Terry Hatcher's husband.

Still?

Really?

It can't be still.

Do you remember they did those commercials for batteries or something?

Oh, right.

Now I see what you're talking about.

Because it was such an unlikely pairing.

People assumed they were married.

Why else would you have these two specific people together?

I'm looking for personal life on Howie Long's Wikipedia page.

Same.

He met his future wife, Diane Adonisio.

Oh, wow.

That's almost like my boy's name.

During his freshman year at Villanova.

They married in 1982.

It's Villanova.

And they have three sons.

Oh, good for them.

Fantastic.

Now look up Terry Hadger.

Okay.

Personal life.

Terry Hadger had an affair with Howie Long.

Oh, my word.

During these commercials.

It was the battery commercials that did it.

Wow.

There's something about battery commercials.

There was so much

energy.

The charges are about charging.

And so there's a charge in the air automatically.

Wow.

So, anything else happening on season nine of the neighborhood listen, which comes out this week?

Of course, people can hear this ad-free on CBB World

as well as wherever you get your podcasts.

Anything else happening for this?

Should we ask them what CBB World means?

We

constantly wonder.

We talk about it a lot.

We have these bonus room episodes episodes we do.

Right,

one a month, it seems.

One a month.

Um, it seems like that.

It seems that way.

It does seem like that.

And this is you guys watching a movie together.

We've done that.

Sometimes we've been accused that that didn't seem like it was a lot of work.

So we do other things as well.

Movies are two hours long.

We watched Ice Castles, which was wild, by the way.

If you haven't seen that one,

oh, that would be a good one.

Maybe we should come back and make sure they stop watch that one.

I love that.

It's bizarre.

This poor woman, she's just, no one takes care of this young girl.

This is a skater who dies or something?

No.

Oh, okay.

It is about a skater.

One can presume she's dead by now.

That's close.

The character?

The character, yes.

We also answer questions from our listeners.

Yes.

We've gone on double dates with Gabby and we recorded for some reason.

In our in-home Sizzler, which I created.

Oh, you have an in-home Sizzler.

Yeah, Doug, tell us about this.

I have one employee.

And who's the employee?

It's beautiful.

It's a beautifully recreated Sizzler.

It's authentic to the experience.

But I built it from memory, so some of it might not be.

I should clarify that his main memory was shiny red bricks.

And that's basically refrigerated plates.

Oh,

Scott's got you there.

That's a good detail.

That's true.

I didn't think that.

Do you think about the accent suddenly?

What?

No.

Scott's got you there.

We do dining in the dark experiences at Sizzler now.

Oh,

which is fun.

And that's where you try to guess what you're eating based on the texture of the eggs.

Where you try to go to the salad bar.

in the dark.

And this is based on the brief trend from 10 years ago?

Sizzler?

That was a long time ago.

No,

the diamond in the dark.

Do we have the garlicky cheese bread here?

Oh, of course.

Fantastic.

And there's also a Sizzler to go, like a chili's to go at the airport just outside if you just want like

a sales season.

Now, do you run this as well, or is this a different

croutons?

It's become a family business.

It is the honor system.

It's sort of a family business.

It's not really a profit driver.

I didn't want it.

No, we are.

Are you kidding me?

I had to get licenses for things.

It's ridiculous.

We're not really zoned for business.

Not at all.

We're not zoned for the 160 rooms that he's built.

Yeah, that is a big part of the neighborhood listening: hearing about how your

is it

like a compound has expanded.

Yes, we've gone underground.

One of the things, we went to Las Vegas about what is a year or two ago now, babe, and you just love the Venetian.

So he built, he tried to build an underground canal system.

That was one thing you were doing for a while.

I built a hall of Habsburg jobs.

jaws.

Yes, you did.

Habsburg.

Where you could put your

jaws were cut out.

It was a long haul of the lineage of Habsburg.

Not unlike the hall of microscopes, but in this case, they're not being used for anything other than should just be looked at.

That's right.

And you would hear a voiceover, like a ghostly voiceover as you walked through it.

Welcome.

Why?

And why ghostly?

That was my question.

Because

there's nothing more frightful than a Habsburg job.

I mean, so many Habsburgs.

Okay, so.

and when you, and then by the end, it says, what you wait, how did I say it?

Oh, he's doing a whole face and a voice.

He's putting his hand out on his throat for like an effect.

I don't know what this is going to be.

Oh, that was good, Bertie.

What you are now, I once was.

I think that all museums, all the audio tours in museums, should be like sort of ghostly voices because it's all stuff that happened a long time ago, and everyone involved is a ghost now.

So why not?

And that's the final one:

the jaw is cut out and you can put your eyes in and you can put your own jaw in there.

But then it doesn't really

make sense because didn't you also demolish the rooms next to it so that you could walk along and put your eyes through the, because I know that's a whole thing you've seen.

Most of the rooms we've had

have since paved over.

Paved over.

Paved over.

So the rooms still exist, but they've been paved over.

Yeah, that's the first step to reinstallation.

So this is sort of like the old city of Seattle.

It's like you build on top of it.

If you dug down, you you would see our old house, okay, you know, through the years.

Well, this is a it's a fascinating podcast.

Oh, thank you, hosted by a trio of real intellectuals who have people on

and talking about their lives.

Thank you, Bern.

Because I don't think we should run past this.

Yeah, when you call this three intellectuals,

real intellectuals, yeah.

Yeah, well, that's nice.

What did you mean by that?

Hang on, babe.

We need to get to the bottom of that.

I think it might not be what you're talking about.

I think we should accept that.

I understand why you want to move on.

trying to make your podcast sound classy like the npr crowd might enjoy it you know like because right now i think a bunch of like dumb comedy fans probably like it but i'm i'm trying to get like comedy never first of all listeners not fans scott and second of all i don't think anyone who loves comedy is dumb although uh burnt does he absolutely

love comedy are dumb

depends on the comedy what is it there's a specific part of comedy you don't like is it sketch it makes you furious i don't like sketch that's what it is because it's too the stories are too short that's right

A joke?

Great.

I'm not expecting much.

I'm expecting a good joke to be over at a certain point.

A sketch seems like they get me interested, invested, and then it's over.

Right.

Sketches should be.

Sometimes they go too long.

I think it would be ours.

Long-form sketches.

Yes.

So it's a comic.

Half an hour, yeah, or 22 minutes with a laugh track.

Yes.

What's so hard?

Multi-camera.

Yeah.

So hard about that.

Speaking of which, I mean, another one of our bonus episodes was actually reading the pilot that Sybil was one of the guests.

That actually, it's when we discussed it, he wrote a pilot called Evidently about a man named Lee who sees evidence, Newprint style.

You know, just everything goes black and white and he sees the evidence.

Yeah, Newprint, of course.

I know Scott knows, but maybe our listeners, your listeners, your fan, might not know.

Evidently has what is referred to in the script as Newprin vision.

He does.

Where, much like in the TV commercials for the pain reliever from back in the day,

everything will go yellow except the most important.

Everything will go black and white.

Okay, okay, Doug.

Doug, boy

i just misspoke i'm not trying to to misrepresent your idea this is a big deal for you i understand so everything goes black and white except for the most important uh element that is seen in yellow not necessarily

evidence oh not necessarily more important the most evident oh impotent oh no not impotent

i'm doing what you did

but anyhow anyways anyhow that is a 22 page script but it is a half-hour procedural which i told him isn't a thing but he's really trying to break down that barrier half hour but yeah i mean it's it's tough to get all those clues in, but you know, you can do it.

It's just cut out a lot of the steps where it's just like they go to the first crime scene and then they see the thing that leads them right to the criminal.

You think that it's like that, you have to go back and listen to it.

The whole thing starts with the stage direction of wipe

just to wipe from nothing.

Yes, yeah, that's what they said.

It was my favorite, yeah, that's what they say.

That's my favorite.

It's a wipe transition, I believe.

It's a bold start to a show, to a bold show.

You have to, and it's a bold show, but you do have to consider what are you wiping from.

That's correct.

We needed that.

We needed that information.

I mean, it's not from nothing.

There's always something before the show.

Like a commercial.

Wait, but that means you'd have to wipe the commercial.

You'd have to sort of get them on board with it so you can make that happen, that transition.

Whatever it is.

You can give permission, though.

You can't.

Or you know what?

It's better to reach over and wipe someone else's work.

I like that.

Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Sure.

Sure.

But you also have to figure out how to engineer this so that it happens.

All right.

We're not at that stage.

I know where, you know, maybe Barbara.

I'm not in charge of the editing or anything like that.

You're just kind of telling them what you see.

This guy knows show business.

Yeah, that's true.

It's true.

I'm the guy who wrote a pilot that had something called a cold tag, and the network executives were like, what?

That sounds gross.

Tag.

I said, I don't know why I wrote that.

Well, the neighborhood list in season nine premieres this week.

I believe on Tuesdays it comes out.

wait what does cbb mean we we have to answer the question oh wait i don't even know actually what

no i i inherited the show oh you did like the tonight show yeah from

whom

there was a i i know polly shore had it in the 90s and i'm not quite sure who the original hosts were but yeah i mean that lore has been lost over the years oh wow

yeah no one even knows anymore so before the 90s the lore is there's got to be a way to find it

well it was all in like phone books and stuff like that and now no one uses them so the lore was was in phone books.

Yeah, it was all written down in phone books.

It was like, you know, passed down through advertisements in the yellow pages and stuff.

So

sorry, would you have to sort of hunt for it to put it all together?

It would be invariant.

It would have been like written like a paragraph on one page, a paragraph on another page.

Like, you know how, like, we had that friend in high school who was like, I'm going to write on multiple pages in your yearbook.

Did you ever have that?

No, none of you are women.

That's why.

Trust me, there were these people who would do like, go to page nine, go to page 10, go to page 25.

This is a choose your own adventure book, I think.

Do you think it was obnoxious?

Do you think the yellow pages had to be dyed yellow?

Like each page, somebody had to.

I think they'd probably use yellow paper.

Or an old tree.

Where does that come from?

It can't be found.

That lore is gone.

Yeah.

We don't know.

We don't know.

But what I will say is that season nine of The Neighborhood Listen comes out this week, I believe on Tuesdays.

And you guys can stick around, can't you?

Oh, sure.

We would love to.

We have a fantastic

way out here.

Yeah, that's right.

On my dime as well.

It took me two years to get to come to L.A.

Thank you for business class, by the way.

Of course.

And that was an upgrade.

That wasn't in the contract.

I just decided to upgrade you guys.

Oh, thank you.

That was quite exciting.

Exactly.

We have a mother coming on the show.

Oh, interesting.

And I would love to see your interviewing style, so perhaps we could all

talk to the mother together and ask questions together.

I would love that.

Okay, well, wonderful.

We're going to come right back.

We're going to have a mother.

We'll also have Burns Me a Payday, Joan Pedestrian, Doug Corn Pedestrian, the cast of the neighborhood listen.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

We have Burnt Mia Payday.

Hello.

Joan Pedestrian.

Present.

Doug Corn Pedestrians.

Hosts of the Neighborhood Listen, Season 9, of which comes out this week.

And anything else happening, like big news in the town these days or anything like that?

Oh, boy.

You know,

Halloween is coming now.

That's right.

And that's the next major holiday, I would say.

Halloween in Dignity Falls, unfortunately, has kind of been supplanted by the pharmacy parade.

I've never heard of one of the pharmacists parade.

Well, it's specific to Dignity Falls, as so many things are.

I always thought this was everywhere.

Turns out it's just a Dignity.

It's just Dignity Falls.

They're the only ones that do it.

So there's at least 60 pharmacists who work at this place you work at.

Because of all the microphone.

That's just our pharmacy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But there's a lot of pharmacies in Dignity Falls.

Is there all right, both places?

And,

you know, there's a parade where the pharmacists ride on floats and they throw out pills to the kids.

And

just,

it's become, and I feel sort of bad about this, that it's kind of eclipsed Halloween as

the go-to holiday around that.

What day is this held?

This is held the day after Halloween.

November 1st.

Yes.

So people don't really go out trick-or-treating anymore.

And the prep is so, I mean, this almost put Burnt in the hospital last year.

He was in charge of, what they do is they make a gigantic straw straw pharmacist and they set it on fire.

Oh, and he was in charge of building the head and it nearly did you in last year.

Oh, it was, it was really intense.

We were working around the clock and just like threading the eyelashes because everything's made out of straw.

And

I ended up

inside the head

when it was set on fire.

And that was, thankfully, my girlfriend Gabby was able to rescue me.

Oh, did she smoke jump into the head?

She smoke jumped right into the head.

So she saw this from the ground, ground, got into a plane.

Yeah.

Got her parachute.

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody said burnts up there.

And she, like a shot, she got into a plane.

She got into a plane, parachuted up there, taxied.

I had thankfully thought to build a fontanelle into the head of the

winter pharmacist says she just came right through.

Wow.

Right through the soft spot.

And saved you.

And saved me.

Yes.

Incredible.

How romantic.

I don't know if you know this.

This is another thing I think the Scout would find interesting: is that basically the first thing that happened once he and Gabby started dating was,

I think, just two years ago, maybe, when they went to Greece and and on their flight back, they didn't make it that far.

Mount Etna was erupting, and they had to do a lava landing, an emergency lava landing, which I didn't know was a thing.

It's very rare.

Yeah, I mean, lava landings are pretty common, but an emergency one.

That's what I'm talking about.

And a squadron of

hopters.

A squadron of hopters?

It was a squadron of helicopters.

I didn't do my tongue twisters again.

I'm so sorry.

No, that's okay.

You pronounce it H apostrophe.

Gutta the hopter.

That's a good impression, Doug.

Really good.

Really good, Doug.

Maya Al Pacino and your Swordship, your Arnold Ducks.

That was great.

We should get together.

On a date someday.

Oh, that would be fun.

That'd be a good bonus rubber.

Oh, sure.

I'd love to hear all four of you talking to each other.

Anyways,

everyone on the plane had amazing sex afterwards.

Everyone survived.

And it really gave them kind of a death wish for a while.

So this story is actually quite tame, the one of her rescuing him compared to what that was.

I guess.

Yeah, we did.

We still don't see it.

It was romantic.

Everyone had to climb out on top of the plane as the plane plane was slowly being consumed by the lava.

And then we were rescued by the hopters.

And

then we all, they had a massive text chain after that.

Has it died out by now, though?

No, still going strong.

Still going strong.

Don't those drive you crazy, though?

Because half the time it's just someone putting a thumbs up on the same text.

Drives me crazy.

Yeah,

every once in a while I'm on a giant one with like nine people and there'll be 57 notifications reached just people thumbs up.

Why?

Why do we need this?

Why do we need to know that?

The worst is when someone has discovered stickers.

Oh, it it sure is.

And they're always adding a sticker to everything.

It takes extra time to see that.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Yeah, so we kept in touch.

And then afterwards, we all

stumbled onto the fact that we...

All of us had just incredible sex after that happened.

How did you stumble on this fact?

Did someone blurt it out?

Some brave soul blurted it out.

And then everyone had to say, actually, us too.

Wow.

Yeah.

And so was everyone in a couple who was on the plane or did people couple up?

No, question.

All the single people that were on the plane ended up in a couple with other people that were single on the plane.

Okay, so everyone, it was in pairs of two, though.

So it was an even number on the plane.

You had me, that was going to be a good thing.

Oh, there were two.

Oh, okay, good.

Some people were poly.

Oh, absolutely.

Okay, great.

Absolutely.

Some people weren't before, and they are now.

Okay.

Good for them.

Yeah.

I think you're born, Polly.

But it did give us a...

Well, no matter how you're born, you might not realize it until later.

Sure, exactly.

Yeah.

That's what you're trying to say.

We both agree.

We do agree.

Yep.

And we like each other.

And we like each other.

We're friends.

Yeah, we're friends.

Yeah.

And, you know, sounds like an NPR podcast.

Yeah, keep going.

Gabby, I did have a sort of, you know, that movie Fearless with Jeff Bridges.

Sure, of course.

Yeah.

With Rosie

Perez Gaines.

Pettit.

Rosie Gaines.

Wait a minute.

Is this a movie podcast?

I asked.

He said no.

He said no.

I always end up talking about movies.

But yeah, we had a death wish for a bit.

I wouldn't say a death wish, but we.

You should have just said, you know, that movie Deathwish.

We were under the impression that we were perhaps immortal and we could do

beaten death.

Yes.

So we were driving a car into a brick wall.

You know, everyone is immortal.

First, covering it with sanitary napkins.

You forgot that part, Burns.

Yeah.

I did.

Which you wanted to argue affected the impact in some way, which can't be true.

It had to have.

It had to have.

You can say that.

Sanitary napkins are nature's airbags.

Is that right?

Yeah.

I think that's his own opinion.

I'm not sure what, because what's coming out is supposed to, I don't know,

be stopped and thrown back in your face.

I mean, whatever.

I don't know.

I don't know how it works.

If you think about it, it is like an airbag for

the

anyone who can have a period.

If it weren't there, who knows what could happen?

Every woman does.

Every woman does.

Well, we're getting.

I rest my case.

We're getting

another lady who's going to know about this coming on soon, right?

Yeah, exactly.

We need to get to our next guest.

She is a mother.

Please welcome a mother.

Hi, Scott.

Hi.

Scott, Doug, and Bert and Jones.

So nice to meet you.

So wonderful to meet you.

Thank you for having me.

Can I call your mom?

Yeah,

if you'd like.

If you want.

That's okay.

That's okay.

Well, my name is Ellen Dracula, and I am Dracula's mother.

No.

Oh, whoa.

Wait, the Dracula or some other Dracula?

Yeah, the Dracula, the one and only that is my son.

And I'm here because, you know, he has been single for so long and he won't do anything about it.

Dracula, okay.

He won't do anything about it.

Great job, man.

I know you're excited, but just give her a minute, okay?

Let's just get to know her.

I know you had to.

No, it's true.

It's true.

And thank you.

And I feel like I have no other choice but to come out here and get a message.

Before we get to all that,

I got to dig in on just you being Dracula's mother.

Sure.

I feel like we're gonna be able to do that.

Oh, sure.

If you want, yeah.

I mean, that's.

So, are you hundreds of years old?

Well, I mean, I don't need to ask a lady her age.

But if we're going through Dracula lore, he's he was

he, he is very old.

I'm very old as well.

But we're both kind of frozen at like a solid 40.

Well, sure, you look good.

Really?

Oh, yeah, you look fantastic.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So you were, you

were turned into a Dracula at age 40.

And you had to.

When you married Dracula's father, presumably.

Well, I don't know.

We don't want to presume that.

I got it through marriage.

Okay.

Okay.

Because some people inherit, you know, I got it through marriage by law.

We got married in a courthouse, and I became a Dracula as well.

And you had already had a baby at this point who then grew up to be the age 40 and then was turned into a Dracula?

So,

yes, yes.

So, so we had sort of a, a, you know, at the time, it wasn't, it wasn't what you want.

Right.

You don't want a baby.

But he was blasting up inside of you.

That's so true.

That's exactly how it happened.

I was blasted up inside of by a Dracula, then I became one by a lawyer.

Then I got to blast it.

By law.

Oh, so you get to do it.

Well, I got to admit, Doug, it was fun.

It's fun to do.

Everyone should do it.

Can we very quickly take a detour?

Because your voice is, I have to say, not what I would have expected.

No,

you don't have the Romanian sort of cadence.

No, of course.

My husband has the cadence.

Oh, because I think of Dracula so.

For sure.

I vote to suck your blood.

Oh, no.

Okay,

that's it.

Have you mentioned it?

I have not.

No.

That's exactly what he sounds like.

My spot-on impression of Eric right now.

I vote to suck your blood.

That sounds more like Santa Claus.

No, Santa sounds like this.

Oh, no.

This happens a lot on our podcasts.

You have Santa Claus blindness, right?

Correct.

Oh, that's not him.

Santa Claus deafness.

So wait, Santa Claus deafness.

Does that really sound like your husband to you?

That is what my husband sounds like.

He's watching the game going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Was your husband royalty, and that's why your son is a count?

So the Dracula as king stuff, that's not...

We don't really, like, it's more about the blood for us.

It's more about the bats.

It's more about all that business.

And we didn't really get any.

We're not nepo-draculas, right?

We're not countesses.

We're not like

that.

So we're humble.

Your son lived 40 years before anyone thought to turn him into a Dracula.

Yes, he lived a normal sort of life.

And then someone came along, a dark stranger, promised in the world.

Absolutely.

So this was not kept in the family at all.

This is totally outside of the familial circle.

Some other Dracula Dracula made him a Dracula.

A different Dracula made him a Dracula.

Because we wanted to give him the choice.

Is that the term?

Are we saying another person from the Dracula lineage or another vampire and referring to vampires?

I really needed this clearance.

It's kind of like Kleenex, you know what I mean?

It's like Dracula is so famous.

I think I'd ask that.

Oh, so

it was a Kirkland vampire,

essentially.

The Costco gram?

Exactly.

It's like a rectangle square situation.

Not all vampires are Draculas, but every Dracula is a vampire.

Okay.

Got it.

Okay.

Yeah.

So some other vampire turned your son into a vampire.

That must have been an exciting day for your family.

It was exciting that he chose the path, you know, because he was screwing around for a while going, oh, I think I might be like a tennis coach.

I might be normal.

I'm thinking I might be normal.

And 40 years of this, I can only imagine at a certain point, like he could pass away from a heart attack or something.

We had thrown in the towel.

We We were really, we thought he was a lost cause.

We're like, you're not, you're not going down our thing.

You're not, you're not.

Meanwhile, he's getting closer and closer to your age by looks.

Yeah, we look, we look sort of, you know, that Tumblr website?

Siblings are dating?

Sure.

Siblings are dating.

Siblings are dating.

Siblings are dating.

Oh.

You put two pictures up.

No, you put one picture up.

Let's get the process totally correct on this because I want, I think people are going to visit this website and I want to make sure that that they know the exact instructions of how to do that.

Of course, I don't want anybody left behind.

No child left behind.

This is one picture.

It has two individuals in it.

They looked similar, but there's a romantic chemistry evident in the photo.

And people have to comment whether you think siblings are dating.

Now, do they ever receive the answer to this conundrum?

And I believe they did.

Somehow, through the format of the website, they revealed it.

But the interface is a little, my memory's going on it.

I think maybe you have to swipe swipe to see the answer.

Right.

That's how you have a series of photos.

Yes.

It was like an ancient photo.

Can you only find out the answer if you vote?

Or pay.

I don't think it, I don't, you know, I don't think they paywalled it.

I think they were really noble about it and they kept

they wanted they wanted everyone to have access to the information of whether they were siblings or not.

They're on the internet was good, right?

True nobility.

It's true.

People stood for something.

I don't want to get political, but they did stand for something.

There was a common good.

Yeah, I didn't realize that was political.

So

you have this son.

You all move over to the stage at some point, discussing the story.

And I've got a question.

We all have questions.

Of course.

And you said we could ask the questions.

Sure.

Yeah.

Why not?

Okay.

What is your husband's name?

My husband's name is Eric Dracula.

Eric Dracula.

And is he still with us?

He is still with us.

He

is, you know, he's a mechanic and a Dracula at night.

So mechanic during the day or mechanic and Dracula during the night?

Mechanic.

He just was.

So

he's really busy at night because he can't mechanic during the day.

No.

Right.

Because he gets burnt up

by the sun.

So he's a night mechanic.

He's a night mechanic for, you know, people, some people work days.

People work, you know,

nine to five.

They have no time to bring in their car, and so they can only do it at two, three in the morning.

And so that's what Eric does.

And he specializes in.

I do.

I'm a realtor.

You know, it'd be a great time for me to bring my car in.

Of course.

Come on by.

Come on by the castle.

We'd love to have you.

A castle.

Oh, so you do really live in a castle.

We do have a castle, but not a Nepo kind.

It's more of the monster kind.

Oh, okay.

Can I ask a question when you were talking about your son as a mother, you know, like when you're talking about how he wanted to play tennis or you're thinking, I was, I wanted to follow up.

So is it that you have, did you say you have a hope that

your son is going to follow in?

This is not a gotcha.

This is not a gotcha moment.

This is not a gotcha.

I want to be impeccable with my words.

No, I'm understanding it, NPR listeners.

Okay, so is it the kind of thing where are you watching your son and you're hoping he grows up to be that kind of thing?

Or is it that like he has to come out to you as mortal?

Are you disappointed when you find out that he's not wanting to be a draft?

That's what I'm trying to say.

I do not mean to make this a gotcha question.

It's Joan's question.

I'm just enthusiastic to hear the answer.

Yeah, Bert, I feel like what you're doing is making her feel more.

I'm really trying not to.

I feel like I'm not.

I mean, this was supposed to be a mother-to-mother question, not a pharmacist mother-to-mother question.

I think gotcha question.

This is an M to M.

This is strictly an M to M.

Gotcha questions got a bad rap, I think.

Because every question should result in a gotcha.

Like you answered.

Like you got the answer.

Yeah.

Oh, gotcha.

I gotcha.

That's a positive way.

Like,

I guess we've co-opted gotcha to something else.

I don't think it should be a gotcha question unless the person actually says gotcha afterwards.

Yeah, otherwise.

What if they say gotcha?

Then you go and you say to them, why didn't you write another song?

Why was it only just that one?

So did we get the answer to this question?

So I love, and I love the questions.

I love a question.

So you're wondering if he,

if he, if he, if I'm disappointed that he isn't following.

Yeah, did you have that moment?

Oh, or is that not a thing?

Well, sure, I had to grieve the loss of a Dracula son

sometime around he was 30.

You know, he was swiping his tennis balls left and right on the court.

Okay, like you do.

Like you do.

Like I did on that website trying to get the answer of whether they're dating or related.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Siblings are dating.

But in this case, it was tennis.

It was a tennis ball.

Married to this woman named Emily, who was nice.

Who was nice?

But, you know, a lot of E's in this story.

You got Eric, Ellen, Emily.

It's a big E family.

You know, sometimes we all find each other.

I don't know what it is.

It's something.

There's something animalistic about this.

And another big E family is the Smalls Smalls family.

And then what is so true?

What is your son's first name, his Christian name?

So his name is Jack.

Jack Dracula.

Okay.

Jackula.

We wish.

That would have been fun, right?

That would have been fun.

That would have been fun.

But we care a lot about having a solid first name and a solid last name.

So he is Jack Dracula.

And any shorthand, you know, that would be confusing because are we talking about me?

Are we talking about my husband?

You know, who is just...

do you get it teased a lot in school?

That just seems like a name that you get teased with, that they would try to shorten it or do things like that.

What was it like from growing up at that name?

I call him Jake Ophula.

He had some, you know, he had some tough, he had some tough bullying years for sure.

And there were people, there were people saying, oh,

your name, your first name, and your last name could be combined, you weirdo.

Are we going to say it all in one word, you freakozoid?

But luckily,

he found this really great group of boys who were you know

really emotionally intelligent.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

So now he is 40 appearing and he's looking for a mate.

He is looking for a mate, yes.

And he has had no luck up to this point.

And I've got to say, as a mother, I just don't, I don't think he's looking that hard.

I don't think he's looking that hard.

And so I have no choice but to come on and advertise and say, you know, my son Dracula, he's a catch.

He's here.

Jack Dracula.

Jack Dracula.

Dracula.

And what are the pros and cons?

Let's get into that.

Pros and cons of dating Jack Dracula.

Because I want to be transparent to all these lovely ladies.

Can you do that?

I would love to hear

from his mother.

I can't.

If you give me like a minute, I can't.

You can't.

Please stop jumping down her throat.

Give her a minute.

Oh, no.

I mean it takes one minute.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Oh.

And then I can disappear.

Gotcha.

But I'm just being, I just mean it would take a whole thing because we'd be like a spell or incantation or can't be.

Yeah, like we'd have have to wait.

Clench your vagina muscles really hard or something.

It's like

that kind of thing.

What is this show?

What is going on?

Stop that kind of show.

Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm clenching my vagina.

I don't know.

I don't know the process.

I don't know the process of turning to visible.

Do we want to?

Are you your fans listening to our podcast?

I'm not sure.

We don't have that kind of talk on our show.

I'm sorry, I'd get in trouble if I switched it to you.

Clenching your sphincter is what I should have said.

Okay, sure.

Gender neutral is so much better.

Yes.

Not gender neutral, though.

Your woman is.

But my woman, a lady sphincter.

But the pros and cons.

Wasn't that that romance novel you were reading, Joe?

A lady sphincter.

I've heard that's good.

It is good.

I was thinking of turning it into a stage show.

But anyways, this is not about me.

Go on.

No, of course.

Okay, so pros,

pros, if you like bats, you're going to love my son.

Oh, yeah.

He can't turn into a bat.

He turns into a bat or he has a lot of bats hanging around.

He turns into bats.

He associates with bats.

A lot of his best friends are bats.

How many bats does he have?

The first part turning into a bat would be a pro.

Hanging out with bats, that does nothing for me.

Now, you said he turns into bats.

Like a different bat each time?

So he kind of has multiple personality disorder with the bats.

It's a little, he's got, he's got different people.

He different sort of bat personas.

Oh, he can zap into them.

Oh, it's cool.

He can just zap into him.

He can zap into him.

You know, of course, at first we were like, should we get a psychologist?

Should we figure this out?

You know, kind of get him into one personality, one bat personality.

But he.

What are some of the bat personas?

Oh, so

he's got this bat, Jeremy Bat,

and he is a real prankster.

He is leaving with the battle.

Sounds like you're children, Joan and Doug.

Absolutely.

Yes.

I mean, pranks, and also mostly setting things on fire.

So I'm not sure if they actually would do that.

They would love Jeremy.

We might get along.

You'd love Jeremy the Bat, my son's person, one of his personalities.

There's Edward Bat.

He's sort of the bad boy.

There's Jiminy Bat, and he is like a singer.

Oh, that's so charming.

I would like Jiminy Bat.

Now, does Jiminy Bat sing in a bat voice or a human voice?

He sings.

Sonar.

It's it.

So,

yeah, so.

Did it sound like that?

No.

That's just.

It's heavy on percussion.

It's kind of sonar.

Oh, okay.

So it can be enjoyed by us.

We would hear it to our human ears as a drum, but bats would hear it as sort of a Frank Sinatra.

Gosh.

Oh, okay.

And does Jack have these personalities when he's a human or only when he turns into a person?

Oh, he keeps it just bat.

So when he's a person, he is, I gotta say, he needs to come out of his shell.

He's in his room.

He's brooding.

He is going to the blood bank alone.

Oh.

He's killing deer alone.

Oh, dear.

And he's just keeping to himself.

But when he's this bat, he's sort of

this wonderful butterfly.

Well, there's a male loneliness epidemic happening in this country.

That is so true.

And it sounds like even Dracula has fallen victim to this.

Even Dracula

is male lonely.

This might be a weird question, but when he's a bat, are there bats...

Are there lady bats that maybe that?

Is that the connection that he has?

Lady bats?

The lady bats, bats, you know, so it's tough because he some of the uh ladies have fallen for Jiminy bat because you know he's an accomplished exact, that's what I'm thinking.

Absolutely, and I bet that's a booblay bat, Edward.

And the bad boy Edward does get, he gets a few lady bats.

Yes, for sure.

Oh, that's always happening.

That's what makes the males feel very frustrated when they're nerds.

You know, they say a woman always goes for a bad boy or a bad bat.

Yeah, a bat, a bad bat boy.

A bad bat boy.

Make me feel so good.

It's true.

Which, by the way, was the song that opens the montage of three men and a baby.

But anyways, I digress.

But he just can't translate it to a human woman.

They're just not sticking for some reason.

And, you know, it's like...

Is it the fear of being transformed into the living dead?

You know, it could be.

You might have hit on it.

Did you have that fear when you started dating?

Well, of course, but I got over it.

You know, these

girls.

It was a different time.

It was a different time.

You know,

in those days, if a husband comes and knock in, you're kind of like, I'm ready.

Sure, okay, I get it.

Hey, but I'm I thought I was gonna rhyme with rockin'.

Yeah, I was a little disappointed by that.

Yeah, quite honestly, I was waiting for some rock and roll.

Did did did you, was there consent when he turned you into a Dracula?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I said, I said, sure, whatever, sign the papers.

I don't want to live, I don't want to live with my parents anymore.

How did he ask you?

He said,

he said,

my darling angel,

I

would you make me the happiest I've ever been?

Kind of sounds like Borat, I have to say.

Did he ever say, make you my wife?

Yeah, he does.

He sounds a little bit like that movie star, Borat.

That movie star in the world.

I always get an impression of that.

I cannot remember that movie.

It was called Borat.

She said he's a movie star, Borat.

Oh, the movie star.

He's been in two movies.

Has he been on the show?

Even being in one movie, that's a movie star.

I'm a movie star.

I was an Austin Bowers Bowers gold member.

Oh, good for you.

That's one of Doug's favorites.

Love it.

There's the proof.

It answers the question: what would happen if someone's member was gold?

What would happen?

And well, you know, I had no choice but to say yes.

And so I think girls these days, they're getting picky, you know?

Well, what if you were to, like, I don't know, hypnotize someone into loving them or something like that?

You guys can do that, right?

Enthrall people.

You can enthrall, sure.

It's a little frowned upon.

It's kind of in a gray area right now you know

there's a lot of uh dracula dialogue right now about is enthralling okay oh that's good is everybody on equal playing fields if one person is enthralling you didn't enthrall us to talk to you right now right i mean we're no oh my goodness no of course i i only enthrall when someone says please enthrall me okay

i wait for a full And hard, please enthrall me.

And why does someone want to be enthralled?

Some people just, they don't want.

There's so many.

Have you heard of decision fatigue?

Yes.

Oh,

absolutely.

You know,

you're going on Postmates.

What do I order?

Oh, my God.

You just want someone to enthrall you to order like what, and you'll be happy with whatever comes up.

Yeah, so that you can, so that you can just.

So that it's one less thing you have to think about.

What do I wear today?

So enthrall me.

Exactly.

And I am on Fiverr.

I offer this as a service if people wanted.

They should have that

on Postmates, just like a wheel.

You You know, and it just surprised me.

Surprised me.

Yeah, anything.

Exactly.

Anything.

And then it comes with $500 worth of food.

You have to accept it.

Yeah.

Every single time.

So your son, what are his hobbies?

What are his interests?

Oh, his hobbies.

Great question, Scott.

He is a fun guy.

You ladies will love him.

Yes, but what are his hobbies?

What are his interests?

So exactly.

I love him, ladies.

He's a good boy.

But what are his hobbies?

What are his interests?

So, exactly.

If I would say,

in terms of hobbies, in terms of if it's where someone spends

the time,

so if it's the period of time where it's like where someone is spending the most time doing something, I guess technically his hobby would be killing cows

and

robbing blood banks.

So

he's a bank robber.

In a way, exactly.

So if you're not a bad person, the John Dillinger of

Blood.

The John Dillinger of blood.

Why doesn't he just buy the the blood?

You know, he.

Are you allowed to do that?

I don't.

I had a question when you said he went to the blood bank.

I was confused as to how that worked and what he's doing, but you're saying he's stealing it, like breaking in at night.

So he's breaking in at night when the nurses go to bed.

Every nurse.

They go to bed there.

There's an

asterisk.

They're tired.

They got to go to bed.

Two beds are two, four up to the ceiling.

So it's a 16-bed female-only dorm.

They have a little hostel on the side of the blood bank.

And that's where the nurses go from 3 to 4 a.m.

Because you don't want a tired nurse working.

Oh, sure.

Just sleep.

Yeah, that's all.

3 to 4 a.m.

Give him an hour of sleep at 3 a.m.

And it is better to sleep.

Get it back to bloodletting.

Better than nothing.

And that's when he strikes.

That's when Jack strikes.

That's when Jack strikes.

At 3 a.m.

Do you think when they would maybe like shift the going to bed time if repeatedly it's being robbed or changed?

Or Or is he getting in and getting out without a trace?

I mean, are they aware he's stealing blood?

Otherwise, how could he keep doing this?

Well, you know, sometimes you do have to enthrall for hunger.

Oh, he enthralls them.

We give like a little bit of a pass for that.

But at the same time, these nurses are on their phones.

They're,

I think.

They're not even sleeping during this hour.

They're looking at sibling or

they're swiping.

They're swiping.

It's so tough.

It is an epidemic.

Everybody is on their phones and they don't want to meet anyone real.

You know,

I'm getting to the age where I would like some grandchildren.

Yeah.

Of course.

That's right.

You want to meet someone real, like Dracula.

Is he able.

I guess you were impregnated when he was a Dracula.

So

you're able to, when you're a Dracula, you can.

Yeah, when you're a Dracula, you can create a little Dracula.

If I can be so crass.

When you're a Dracula, you're a Dracula, by the way.

Does that Dracula stay that age forever of one day old?

So

when you have a baby as a Dracula,

we...

Here's what I think happened exactly.

Is you were impregnated as a human woman by a Dracula, and then that baby grew to be 40 years old and then became a Dracula.

But if it's two Draculas, they can have a baby, but it stays as one day old.

It can stay as one day old.

You can do some magic to make it older if you want, but I think there's some there's a little bit of magic of course

i mean

we're not sitting in our castle doing i just twiddling our thumbs

playing we sports you look like magic as well you look like magicians basically that is true they have capes big capes just not a top hat with that flips up top hat we've got half the outfit and a lot of draculas you know they choose they choose that path because you know you already have the wardrobe for it it's already a tax write-off it's already easy it makes your life easy do draculas use canes you know what Table this.

We need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to answer this question: if Draculas use canes ever.

I can't wait to tell you.

And then we're going to dig in a little bit deeper on getting your son a mate.

And maybe we'll take some calls.

I'm not quite sure.

But we're going to come right back.

We're going to have more from Ellen Dracula, more with Burnt Mia Payday, more with Joan Pedestrian, more with Doug Corn Pedestrian.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Hello, everyone.

This is Scott Augerman of Comedy Bang Bang, and I want to tell you about a podcast that I think you're going to love.

It's called Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade.

Now, you know, I'm a big fan of both of these gentlemen.

Dana has been on Comedy Bang Bang.

They're the legendary Saturday Night Live stars.

And what they do is they take you behind the scenes at SNL and, of course, the larger entertainment world.

Every Thursday, the guys hang out with friends and comedy icons like Will Arnett, Nate Bargatzi, Amy Poehler, Jerry Seinfeld, so many more.

And on Mondays, join Dana and David as they riff on current events, pop culture, trending clips, and answer all of your audience questions.

Kick back, relax, enjoy the comedy, absurdity, and world-class banter from your favorite duo.

Follow and listen to Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade everywhere you get your podcasts.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

We have Burnt Mia Paid.

Hello.

Joan pedestrian.

Hi.

Doug Corn pedestrian

of the Neighborhood Listen podcast.

Season nine of which debuts this week on Tuesday.

I believe.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

Yeah, if you're listening to this on Monday.

If you're listening to it on Tuesday, it comes out today.

If you're listening to it on Wednesday, you're too late.

It's already come out.

It's already come out.

I'm sorry.

If you pass away, it's never coming out.

It's damaged goods.

It's already out of its wrapper.

We also have Ellen Dracula.

Oh, oh, oh.

Just kidding.

That's my son.

That is what he sounds like.

Enjoying that, though.

He's got the typical voice then.

He's got the voice.

Everything you want out of a Dracula.

Exactly.

He's your your classic all-American Dracula.

He's a good boy.

I heard you learn how to speak basically from your peers more than your

parents.

Does he have the medal with the red

kind of ribbon?

You know what I mean?

The metal, the catch.

The classic beautiful medallion.

Oh, the Dracula's medallion.

Yes.

Of course.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't say medallion.

I only said medal.

Sorry.

This is a classic culture.

I'll remember to add Allian next time so you're not so confused as to what I might mean.

I think people say metal, Draculas say medallion.

That's one of the many holes.

Let's call the whole thing off between us two.

Exactly.

Does he have it, though?

Oh, he's got one.

And what about the canes?

And what about the canes?

I know you are eager for this question to be answered.

Do Draculas have canes?

Do we?

Do we have that?

And the answer is sometimes.

It depends on the Dracula.

It's a Dracula's choice.

Did a Dracula ever like break their ankle?

A Dracula can.

A Dracula can break his ankle.

And then you would need a cane sometimes.

And then you would need a cane.

I would think they'd have brittle bones.

I mean, all they're drinking is blood.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's not a lot of calcium and blood in it.

I think so.

Is there?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not the person to answer.

Siri, is there calcium in blood?

Oh, it's Siri's vacation.

I have a question.

The steak in the heart thing.

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

We don't have anything.

That seems like a weird thing to mention.

Hey, Doug, how do I kill you?

Hey, if I were to shoot you in the head, would you die?

I was just always wondering where,

like, is a toothpick a steak?

This is.

Where's the line between a toothpick and a stake?

How thick does this wood thing have to do?

Because a lot of times you see, like, the, the, the, the cross thing.

Like, in a movie, someone will make a cross out of two sticks.

And that's it.

I think it's got to be an official cross.

I think think so too.

You know what I mean?

But people can't just like hold up their hands.

I'm making a cross with my arms.

It kind of looks like a plus sign.

I don't think it would work.

You didn't make all of it.

No, if it locks into plus sign position,

no matter what it is,

it can kill you.

But if it's a little on the border, if there's an angle, if it's more than a cross.

Or a cross can kill you.

Wow.

A cross can kill you.

I thought Draculas were just afraid of crosses, but they can kill you.

Well, the cross that kills you.

Why else would they be afraid of them?

Oh, that's a good point.

Fear is rooted in truth always.

That's a good point.

Boy, that's so.

Wow.

Now, but the stake in the heart thing.

Stake in the heart, that is true.

But that's true for anyone, right?

That's true.

But specifically,

I will pretty much kill anyone.

It's true.

I could kill anybody.

I don't know if you that way.

But you, you know,

it took a turn.

Okay, thank you.

I won't.

I won't.

We're not going to kill you.

Thank you.

I won't.

Okay, good.

I won't.

Glad we covered it.

Clear for that.

And I just want to, I want you to know that I trust you with this information.

Oh.

But a toothpick?

Toothpicks has come up a lot.

Every time you go to a restaurant and Doug gets a little candy and he gets a little toothpick, this is a frustrating

server.

Do you think I could kill vampires?

Yeah, and then he'll ask me the whole way home.

It would

hurt a lot.

Sure.

It would hurt a lot.

To death?

It wouldn't kill me.

It wouldn't hurt me to death.

Okay.

But it would hurt a lot and it would rub me the wrong way.

I think in order for it to be a steak, it would have to pierce the breastbone.

And I don't think a toothpick's a bad thing.

No, it would be like a paper cut.

Yeah.

I think Doug is imagining some sort of scenario where open heart surgery is being performed and he comes in and just pokes a heart with a toothpick.

Open heart surgery is being performed on the Dracula.

Yeah.

I hope we get there as a society one day.

I hope so.

We would

come into the

us Draculas walking into hospitals and getting open heart surgery.

What do you have to do now in order to get health?

Oh my God,

we have to get a special vampire.

Excuse me.

Not a vampire doctor.

A Dracula doctor.

Oh, okay.

Because a vampire doctor will see anybody.

Oh.

They'll see mummies.

They'll see Frankensteins.

They'll see ghosts.

Oh, they don't distinguish.

They're just kind of for everybody.

What are the chief health problems that ghosts face?

Wiggly leg.

Wiggly leg,

they got

orb syndrome.

Oh, that sounds painful.

That does sound terrible.

it sucks i've got some friends it sucks from to hear it from that it does suck you know that that show ghost adventures or any sort of paranormal show where they're like here's the footage yeah and then there's like a fleck of dust or a fleck of sort of like a catch of the light yeah and somebody goes there and and that that is a ghost but it's a ghost in terrible pain

so can i ask you this question i because i know doug is is just really itching i'm just going to ask it for you because you're talking about that you fraternize with other sort of uh halloween-y type monsters just like the monster match and i know that's what he wants to ask you really is the term okay to use fraternize oh is it okay fraternize is okay i'm sorry i i i should be what excuse me my word choosing my words more carefully i should be choosing my words more carefully

oh oh here

oh very weird oh uh the first episode of

you guys still hear that we love talking like uh like elizabeth mcgovern's character room i'm worried about the girls i'm worried about the girls i have a fever rubber just keep the girls away

But back to the point at hand.

Do you fraternize with Wolfman?

Why did you name the dog Icy?

So you hang out with other monsters.

Is that right?

This is Lady Grantham you're talking about?

Yes, Lady Grantham.

Who is that, the Monster Mash?

Like, everyone.

Do we know the full guest list?

Look,

I don't want to go into it again this year.

Swamp thing, the rest.

We do, we do socialize.

With a wolfman?

With a wolfman.

With a werewolf, with a Frankenstein, with a Frankenstein's bride.

What about a Frankenstein's monster?

A Frankenstein's monster broke.

Someone's always going to correct you on that.

Oh, I'm not correcting.

I'm just assuming.

You're hanging out with the doctor.

It's two different questions because they're two different guys.

Exactly.

We are hanging out with both.

That's right.

I have a wide social circle.

Gollum.

Gollum's in the mix.

Orcs, ants.

Ants, depending on where you're at.

Some people go a dog.

Beowulf can come.

Beowulf?

Yeah, why not?

Odysseus can come.

Charlie's throne from Monster.

Yeah, sure.

She can come.

It's a big, it's a big wild.

What about the Green Giant Sully?

So Black and Sully, yeah, they're allowed.

They're allowed as well.

The Grinch can come.

The Grinch.

The Shroud can come.

The Green Giant can come.

The Jolly Green can't come.

It's short and Ask Who can't be there, honestly.

We should make that list.

Sure.

You're welcome to Ask Who Can't Be There.

James Woods.

He can come.

He can't come.

But, you know, it's only only a case character.

What if you're just in a bad mood that day?

If I'm in a bad mood, depending on who can come and who can't come.

Yeah, like if I'm super hangry and I feel like a monster.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah.

If you're feeling a little off that day, yeah, you can come.

Now I would assume Mr.

Hyde is invited, but probably not Dr.

Jekyll.

And that's where we draw the line.

That is where we draw the line.

But

it's a big party.

It's a big crew.

That sounds fun.

I mean, it sounds food.

sounds fun.

It sounds food.

To use my husband's accent, it sounds food.

Okay.

No, I.

Oh, okay.

So, I mean, we want to get,

we may want to table your question because we have to get to the matter at hand.

Okay, okay.

Which is your son?

My son, Jack Dracula.

Jack Dracula.

Jack Dracula.

Age 40.

Age 40.

Finish sex

male.

Location, Transylvania's house.

His room.

And he.

Could you say that address again?

Transylvania's house.

Pransylvania's house.

What type of woman or whatever.

That's right.

Anyone.

Any companion.

So we are looking.

You know,

I'm a mother.

I'm a mother and a Dracula.

I'd like for him to marry a Dracula, but it's not a requirement.

Child-rearing and

bearing.

Of course.

I'd love a little grand Dracula.

I'd love a little Grand Dracula.

That's nice.

Are you willing to do the magic to make the baby grow older?

I am willing to do it.

It makes me sweaty, sweaty, but I can do it.

I'm looking for a girl who is family-oriented,

good with rats, good.

So, someone who is on family feud.

So, we could, you know, if there's a contestant or a contestant on family feud, I'm sure.

Family-oriented features.

Anyone who's good with Steve Harvey is good with me.

They can also come.

But someone who's good with rats.

How come that's important?

Oh, well, because we have rats scurrying around.

They sort of do our bidding.

That's also nice.

That's part of what we

have.

I mean, we're comfortable.

We're coming the whole game.

To use a, I mean, I guess a term that's not very nice.

Have you enslaved these rats?

Oh, dear.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's sort of a, it's a, it's a voluntary,

I would say it's more of a surf.

Ellen, could you pause for one second?

I have to say, Scott, I know I'm a guest on your show.

Sure.

Some of these questions,

I feel they border on the rude.

Well, I, you know,

if someone's slaving people, I call it out.

I'm not at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Well, you won't be now that you said that.

Certainly not.

Certainly not.

But to jump right to rat slavery, that really seemed like skipping several steps.

I never occurred to you.

She said rats do their bidding.

It never occurred to me they were enslaving the rats.

It seemed like they wanted to be sliding.

I don't say that, you know, anytime I've been the boss of anyone, I haven't said, like, you know, oh, these writers on my TV show are doing my bidding.

Just the vertical.

What they are.

Sure, they are.

They're doing bidding.

Or else they'll get fired.

If you bid those writers to write a task,

that is bidding.

They're not writing tasks.

Well, I don't know what writers are.

This is task master.

Are you a big writer?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Is that the only television show you shouldn't do?

She just doesn't know the lingo.

I don't know these words, these agents,

the first look deal.

I don't know anything.

Wait a second.

I don't know anything.

The project was ankled.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You know, sometimes you bite an agent's neck, you hear stuff, and you pick up the embrace of the body.

This leads me to another question.

How many people have you murdered?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

You want to know my body count.

Sure.

Yeah.

I know it's impolite, but I mean, this is a podcast.

Do you keep track?

This is a podcast.

For questions, I do keep track.

You know, a lot of people think they don't keep track, but I have a little book.

I write down everybody because it's important to remember.

You know,

why?

It's important to remember every soul, I think.

Oh, I love that.

That's beautiful.

I just think it's nice.

I think it's nice.

It is nice.

And

it helps you feel okay about, you know, and I like to think I'm made up of all the people of,

you know,

start

14,000.

Oh, my.

14,000.

I've been around a while.

And so the number has racked up a little bit.

That's a giant number.

Do people really taste different?

Is that a thing?

Oh, yeah.

I mean.

You're kidding.

Who tastes different?

Great question, Joan.

Thank you.

Type O is

blood type.

Oh, okay.

Not by ethnicity.

No, no, no, no.

That's not what I meant either.

It seemed like it.

To me, I did not see it.

That's not where my brain went.

I do not see color.

I do not.

You just see blood.

So vampires are colorblind.

Yeah, I am colorblind and I can only see blood.

Okay.

And were all of these people that you've killed consensual?

They all wanted to be killed?

I just can't imagine.

Oh, that's where we sort of get on like an ethical like.

But I would, what I would hit back at you with

is the United States of America so guilt-free?

Well, exactly.

Exactly.

He's trying to get into Riyadh.

He's single as well.

You know,

we've done drone strikes.

There is no, we are, our hands are not clean, but you've eaten, have you eaten a chicken sandwich in your life?

Oh, boy.

I don't know.

Have you eaten that?

Hold on, hold on.

Before you move on, let me answer your question.

Can we all answer that?

Yeah, I imagine that.

I would like everyone to come over and be honest.

I'm trying to get it.

That's the question is the answer to.

Have you eaten a chicken sandwich in your life?

I went to a.

Oh, there's a story behind it.

I went to a place.

Well, I'm just trying to remember.

I went to a place

called Chick-fil-A Once.

Okay.

I ended up not ordering.

I think it's Chick-fil-A, isn't it?

Yeah, it might be.

Yeah.

No, I haven't.

Oh, wow.

You've never eaten a chicken sandwich.

That's with bread around it.

Or on a bun?

Yes.

Traditionally, it's chicken,

your choice of tomato, lettuce, mayo, whatever you want.

You have to choose one of those.

You know,

I've been eating people for a long time, so I'm a little out of the game.

But from what I remember, have you eaten a chicken sandwich?

This is more interesting.

Or have you

sucked the blood of someone who just ate a chicken sandwich?

Is that what it's more like?

Well, yeah, it's sort of like

how LaCroix is like the essence of something.

Right.

Not quite enough.

It's not quite enough to be like, yeah, that's pompalose.

But I can taste, you know, there's been an air, there's sort of an air of chicken sandwich.

I'm not drinking out of a dirty glass.

Got it.

But a chicken sandwich is a faint memory for me.

So if one were to date your son, you're being initiated into a lifestyle where killings

we're not going to all go.

Yeah, I mean, Doug was ready with his answer.

Doug is,

he's been

dying.

I am curious.

Let's go around that one.

Doug, what do you got?

I've had an open-face chicken sandwich before.

No way.

Bottom or top?

Top.

So is it on the bottom?

Yes.

Joan makes a great open-faced top, top open-face chicken sandwich with raisins on the bottom.

And I usually pick the raisins.

Is it like a bed of raisins?

It's a bed of raisins.

It's a bed of raisins followed by a little bit of mayonnaise, followed by some

pickled lettuce and chicken.

I call it my messy bottom chicken sandwich.

And then a bun on the top.

What do you call it?

My messy bottom chicken sandwich.

Because it's what you get after you eat it sometimes.

So now have you had it?

Obviously, you've had it.

Unless you're cooking them and you're not.

It's one that I have eaten.

And I do want to say it is Chick-fil-A because, of course, if our listeners are listening, they know that my boys, my twins, sold that prank show to the Chick-fil-A streaming service, which was the thing for a while.

I know.

So I do not eat from them because they turned out,

they passed on their project night.

So I'm boycotting them.

And that's the only reason I boycotted you.

Okay, I should not boycott.

So I can boycott.

Not because they made you do nude things.

And Burns, have you had a chicken sandwich?

I have had a chicken sandwich on a Kaiser roll because I cannot eat square food.

That's right.

Will you not say?

No.

It makes me sick.

Okay.

What if you were to cut the square food diagonally so it's transformed?

But isn't it funny?

Everyone always tries to, they always want to sort of you know work around it.

Yeah, they always want to fix your problem.

I see food in your body.

You know what?

I should just empathize with you.

I don't mean to fix your problem.

No, I can but to just like a man, right?

Well to answer your question, I can eat food in any other shape, no problem.

Okay.

It is tough when food that used to be square has been cut into another shape.

Yeah.

Because I just know somehow.

Yeah.

Okay.

So an un but uncrust, well, no, I guess an uncrustable was never square.

No.

No.

Right?

No.

See, I just wanted to make sure you can enjoy it on crustable.

The way we tested it is when we did this, we did the Sizzler

lights out food.

And we thought maybe we could fool him then in the dark, but he could tell.

They've heard me gagging and stuff.

What is uncrustable that word?

What is that really saying?

Like, you can't crust this?

No, no.

It's like how back in the day, back in the day,

back when we had the yellow pages and no one was swiping, there was a regular peanut butter jelly sandwich and you would cut the crusts off.

But now the newer generations just needed an already ready-made crust cut off sandwich.

No, I understand it doesn't have the crust, but really what it's saying is.

To Doug's point, he believes that you could tape or glue crust on it.

And it wouldn't be on crust.

The promise of it is it is.

It's weird for you to explain my husband to me.

You're right.

You got him nailed.

I missed that one, Scott.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Scott.

So now,

if someone dates your son, they're going to have to kill people.

So if they choose to become a Dracula, to undergo the magic.

Are you willing to have your son date someone who's not going to become a Dracula?

Sure.

Just wants to be a human woman.

But that's a sad life, isn't it?

Because then your son will outlive his bride.

Well, I mean, we...

Exactly.

Every couple, one of the people outlives the other one.

But it's just a crush.

So unless they die in a car crash or a plane crash or a bus crash.

That would be nice.

Or

a suicide crash.

Oh, good lord.

Suicide packs, I think you die one at a time, don't you?

If you got to time it, I guess.

If you're Roman Juliette, yeah.

If you both shoot each other on the count of three.

That does not mean on

I would be worried I would be worried that that I would shoot before the other one would shoot and I would never get shot I'll be like a Hamilton yeah it's about trust then if we're doing a suicide pack why you're gonna do a Hamilton it's a question of trust but so so I would be just I would be disappointed I would I would hold my tongue

but I would be passive aggressive all day long okay for the rest of time okay

So, so, but

it just goes to show you mother-in-law whether you're a Dracula or not.

You know,

you can be a little difficult to deal with.

It doesn't matter if you'd suck on it or not.

You know, and this is the thing that unites our two worlds.

It sure does.

It does.

A mother knows.

That's a mother-in-law knows as well.

That's right.

I have one.

You've been dying to answer this question to ask this question.

And I don't know if this is a weird thing to sort of answer, but just

the word Dracula, the name Dracula, do we get that from the novel?

That's a great question.

Yeah, did Bram stalk?

Oh, you mean that stalker?

Bram.

Did you know, by the way, I just learned last week he was gay?

Is it true?

I didn't know that either.

He was.

And he had a very good relationship with Oscar Wilde.

Some say it might have even been romantic.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, to be clear, I'm trying to get away from that.

So, Oscar Wilde is sort of like the template for Dracula in that novel.

What I've been reading is that if you read Dracula after you read about their relationship, it does seem very

much about it.

Yes, yes.

Dracula is very gay.

Oscar Wilde.

Oh, Oh, Dracula just knows.

I think that he

doesn't know about it.

So when Dracula, he's up all night.

He's very gay.

I read that novel a few years ago because I realized I'd never read it.

Oh, you did.

There are a lot of things I've never read.

I'm not just going to go one-by-one reading.

No, I'm not asking you to do that.

Guys, I hate it when you fight.

You know, every time this happens,

we're friends.

Birds like you and Sean.

We like each other, and I don't like it.

We like each other and we're friends.

Okay, you say that.

For a fact.

Okay.

I think you need one more reason to read the book.

not just because you haven't read it.

I think because I was curious about it.

I thought that was applied.

I thought that was implied, but perhaps not.

I don't think so.

Perhaps not.

You were Dracula curious.

I realized I'd never read this manual for the Toyota Corolla.

So I thought I should read it.

You should read that, by the way.

So now, but your son's really good.

It's also very gay.

Your son, Jack Dracula, is heterosexual.

My son, Jack Dracula

is heterosexual.

Of course.

And it would be

an of course.

Does it have to be a horse?

Yeah, we don't need the affordance.

Like, we're learning something here about Ellen Dracula.

I don't know.

Oh, no, no.

I love everybody.

Okay.

I love everybody.

I wouldn't care if my son dated a cat or a dog.

Okay, that's not equivalent to the distance.

No, no, no, no, that's not going to do that.

You want to date a man.

You should care about that.

I love it.

You should care about that.

I just would, I wouldn't care.

Unless he's a bad person.

Unless he's He's got to have sex with another bat.

Correct.

That's what I was thinking.

I think he might have more luck in the bat in the bat.

I think you should be looking for a bat for him.

I agree.

A bat.

And then he brings.

And then you would have a lot of bat babies.

That's cute.

Paw.

It's just, you know, I can't shed the dream I had as a girl of growing up, being a mommy, having a kid, having that kid have a kid.

But I think that's still possible.

Doesn't every little girl dream of becoming becoming a grandparent?

From the moment I was a little girl, I thought, I can't wait to put on that wedding dress so that someday I will age and have a grandbaby.

Oh, gosh.

You know, and maybe I just need to check myself.

Oh, before.

Quite honestly, you wreck yourself.

It's a two-step process.

Because I could wreck my relationship with my son.

Oh, you don't want that.

You really want that.

You really can.

And I'm doing this out of love.

I love Sun Jack Dracula.

You know, I try to be.

We play online.

We play, you know, what's that text game?

Cup punk.

You were miming your phone, and then you picked up your phone, and then you sat down your phone and restarted miming your phone.

Sorry.

I would say sometimes, you know, it helps me remember.

Oh, sure.

You mime a computer, you type on the computer, you mime it again, and then you send an email.

Got it.

Yeah.

Well,

you know, there's...

You send an email through the miming.

Through the mining.

Through the mime.

I think there's only one person who fits into the parameters of what you're looking for, and that's Joan over here.

Joan, are you willing to leave Doug and date Dracula?

Please enthrall me.

Are you sure?

Wow.

Are you sure you want me to do this?

Hold on, Doug.

I can't hang on.

I'm not sure where she's going with me.

No, listen to me.

It's an acting exercise.

I'm very interested.

I think I'm going to come on the other side, Jess, mine.

Uh-oh.

So you're thinking, I don't know what the acting exercise is.

Well, I just really want to know because I've taken so many different types of classes, and there's all sorts of different, you know, techniques, right?

And hypnotherapy, I'm sure you're not going to be able to do that.

Right, right.

So I'm thinking this is like hypnotherapy.

I just want to know what it's like so that I can, if, and maybe I play a vampire at some point or Dracula.

Oh, that would be great.

If I play Dracula,

I know what it feels like.

Yeah.

Babe, this has nothing to do with you and I.

I'm very hungry.

I just want to know what it's like.

Does anyone curious know what it's like to be enthralled?

Am I the only one?

I just want to warn you.

If once you are enthralled and once you say the magic words, please enthrall me.

There is no going back.

I can't control what happens next.

Oh, you mean mean like I can't be unenthralled?

Well,

I just mean what happens during the enthralling.

Stays in the enthralling.

And legally, nothing can be done about whatever happens during the enthralling.

It is Vegas rules.

Because you've given consent.

It's sort of like Vegas rule.

It's sort of like when you do one of those, you know, bungee jumping things.

You got to sign the waiver.

Oh, no, yes.

Yeah.

So.

Exactly.

So, but if you are ready.

Joan, I think you should go for it.

You do?

You think I should?

Babe, what do you think?

Guys, what do you think?

Babe, I think this sounds a little crazy to me.

But if it makes you happy.

Can't be that bad.

I want to see this for myself, too.

When the sun comes up on sale.

Please enthrall me.

Do I have to say three times?

Is it like Beetlejuice?

Three times would be preferable for my lawyer.

Okay.

Please enthrall me.

That was the third.

Do I have to say him together?

We usually take them together, but that doesn't matter.

Okay, fine.

I love it.

You know what?

I didn't do my tongue twister.

So here we go.

Please enthrall me.

Please enthrall me.

Please enthrall me.

Oh.

Oh!

Joan!

Joan!

Is pointing her claw hand, claw-like, not in appearance, but in

not even in shape.

She had a very lovely hand, I guess, in attitude.

Pointing right at Joan.

Joan!

There's a sexy vampire you might be interested in,

and you should

your husband.

His name is Jack Dracula.

My hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.

This is this is this is fascinating.

Joan, if you are under my control, say the code word.

I'm sending you a word.

Check your phone, Joan.

Oh, I thought it was going to be psychic, but it's actually you're texting us.

So text on the phone.

Hold on.

She was mine.

My phone.

And sent.

Is it one, one, two, three, four?

Stoker.

Oh, yes.

Now you are enthralled.

When I am done, when I snap my fingers,

you

will do it.

You will do it.

Now,

a couple more O's for good measure.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Done!

I hate to say you didn't snap your fingers.

You didn't hear it?

I always snapshot it.

Okay, a silent snapping.

Dude, I always mess up that point.

What happened?

Oh, my God, my skin.

My skin looks amazing.

You are glowing.

That's a side effect of being a thrawl.

Oh, honestly, Joan.

Oh, my God.

I don't know what it was, but you have had a glow up.

This is ignorant of all.

You look stunning.

Really?

Did you do thrawling?

Did wonders on you.

The first and thrawl, you always come out the most glowing.

The first, is it going to happen again?

Well, if you come back for another, of course.

Why does it say stoker on my phone?

Oh, I sent you a word.

Yeah, by the way, we all heard the code word.

Did I say it?

Did I say it out loud?

We change the code words every 24 hours, so that's no problem if you know it.

Ellen, can I ask you?

You said when you snapped your fingers that Joan would do it.

Yeah, what does that mean?

Yeah, because she's not really doing

enthralling.

I don't know about it.

No, I did.

I did.

I just got a text.

It says, sup.

Did I text your son?

Did I text

Jack Dracula?

You were in the enthrallment?

That's text.

Yes, exactly.

It's a text on my phone.

That is fine.

I'm not liking it.

And only you could know that.

Oh, wait, a new text just came in.

It's the bat emoji and the eggplant emoji.

Oh, my son.

That dog.

That absolute dog.

That's very horrible.

I thought he was a good boy.

I thought he was.

Now I got to go over there and wash my son's mouth out with soap.

That is just yucky.

Oh, my.

That is just yucky.

Do you want to send him a text?

I've I've got a picture of, oh, I think I just got sent a pic.

Oh, my.

I think that's a bat's penis.

Oh, I have to have a show with him.

I am sorry.

There's nothing to show for scale.

Oh, wait, it's right next to this thermometer.

Tinier than the thermometer.

Oh, thank God.

For scale.

I've heard it's normal for bat size,

but that's besides the point.

My son is a dog, and I'm sorry.

Oh, oh,

you should have disclosed that, really.

Yeah, that he was a dog.

You kept saying he was a good boy.

I was really building him up.

And then now look what he does.

He's just some skeevy texting dick pics.

It's tough.

You know, as a mother, you think you do everything right.

Yeah.

Oh, I hear that.

This guy's a real player.

He's a player.

He's a bad boy.

And I am.

I'm furious.

So, Joan, do you want Joan to be out then?

Oh, but I love my skin.

So this is the choice, Joan?

Or no skin until the end of the day?

Do you continue to be enthralled?

Oh, no.

This is such a hard choice.

What's going to happen to her if she continues to be enthralled for the next month?

If you continue to be enthralled, it looks like you're going to have an on-again, off-again with my son, who has just been revealed to be a dog.

Oh, and true dog.

He's a good dog, though.

He's a dog.

Good boy.

Babe, whose side are you on?

What do you want me to do?

Well, I don't know.

I just

wanted to stick up for the dog a little bit.

Is it because you like my skin?

You're already, you don't want me to go back, do you?

Yeah, you're rubbing her shoulders.

I mean, it's creamy, milky white it's soggy round

you look like you've de-aged like uh martin short and steve martin in this only murders in the building season

where did they get those young actors

you look like the irishman himself wait so you're saying if i don't do it again is this like a subscription running out i have to i have to make sure that i cancel it again so you do how does this work well see you got to come back to me each month for another enthrallment oh this is how they get you But is this like, so will she have the enthralled skin for like a week and then it'll go away?

So it's like it lasts about as long as Botox does, which is, I believe, about a month.

You believe it.

You believe.

Well, she doesn't need it.

She's a mortal.

I wouldn't know.

Wait, why would a vampire need Botox?

I wouldn't know a thing about it.

More like Bat Tox.

I would never know about it.

Is it more like that?

Is it more like that?

Ellen, come on.

Come on, Ellen.

It's more like that isn't that.

It could be a little more like that.

Okay.

I've just had friends who've done it.

I've had friends who've done it.

I wouldn't know anything about this stuff, but I think it lasts about six, four to six weeks.

Oh, that's a long time.

I think you should just do it.

Oh, but just a once.

But then it's going to go away, right?

It'll just wear off.

It'll wear off.

But, you know, it's like with plastic surgery.

You know, we haven't studied this stuff quite long enough.

Listen, I get it.

I almost got a total face change, and that was what it was called.

We talked about it.

A total face change.

Just barely.

And so she she only does a month, will Jack Dracula end up, and pardon the pun, ghosting her

at the end of that?

Or what happens?

You know,

he,

once you are in, under, and, and this.

In and under.

Once you're in and under this, this month, it's when it's over.

That's the perfect way to say that.

And that's all in the contract.

This is our legal.

This is legal mumbo jumbo.

I have to say it like this.

I have to boilerplay it like this.

Absolutely.

My son will unfortunately stop talking to you.

Well, I mean, that's okay.

I already blocked him.

I hope that's okay.

I don't want to see any more bad boys.

He's a very smart move.

Yeah.

I understand, and I'm disappointed.

And gosh.

But if

Joan is languid,

if Joan is enthralled for the next month or so, you can get her to do whatever you want, though.

I mean, you could get her to do a lot of different things.

Sure, but I'm a good person.

You know, I'm not going to be a good person.

Like you said, your

boy was good.

This is an ethical enthrallment.

This is an ethical enthrallment.

You've already signed up.

I gave you the scam.

When did I sign?

I didn't really sign anything.

You said that.

Oh, that was my signature.

That was my signature.

I get it.

I get it.

We have that in sort of.

Enthrall me once.

That's on you.

Enthrith on you.

Exactly.

Enthrall me two times.

Well, okay.

Joan.

From your perspective.

Yeah, Ken, enthrall me again.

Joan,

Joan, I think you just stay enthralled.

I mean, you look amazing.

Thank you so much.

I just say it's really tempting to just sort of write it out.

And if you end up doing some errands for Ellen over here,

I'm really,

the most I'll do is run you to the post office.

Yeah.

And maybe get some of the workers there for her to murder.

Oh, dear.

Well, okay.

I hear what you're saying.

Well, yeah, you'd get me names.

You might want to be an accomplice.

You'd get me names of mailmen and their addresses and whatnot, but you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

It's just the administrative work more than anything.

I mean, this is busy.

It's a headache.

Well, Ellen, this didn't work out.

It's just amazing on more than this must be you must be lamenting the no i mean i am disappointed and i'm disappointed in myself because i thought i thought i raised him right you know well yeah it reminds me of a very sad song i once heard called the goblins lament

i have heard that song it's a sad song very sad i didn't know it i i i am so sorry that this didn't work out for you ellen if you want to come back and if you end up having someone go on a date of course if they go on a second date we'll pay for it but um we are running out of time the only thing that we have time for is one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Baby,

tell

me

what am I

supposed to

tell me

what am I

supposed to do.

Okay, that was What Am I Supposed to Plug by Brett Maddox.

Thank you so much to Brett.

And obviously, Burnt, Joan, and Doug, we're plugging the neighborhood.

Listen, season nine coming out Tuesday of this week, right?

That's correct.

That's right.

And how many episodes in season nine?

13.

13 episodes.

Season 13, we'd like to say that.

Who do we like to say that?

Those monthly bonus rooms.

The monthly bonus rooms, and those are all on CBB World.

The bonus rooms are exclusive to CBB World.

And

the ad-free episode is also exclusive to CBB World.

But you can get it ad-supported anywhere podcasts.

And can we also say that we're going to be appearing once more?

This is our team.

We're coming back to California.

Yes.

We're going to be part of the San Francisco Sketch Fest.

Oh,

California knows how to party.

January of 2026.

Okay, January 19th, I believe.

January 19th.

It seems so far away.

And yet it's close.

You can come see me, Berns, and Doug in person.

Oh, what a thrill.

Because I'm doing that right now.

And it is, I mean, your skin.

Hopefully, it's not.

Thank you.

Oh, I hope it hasn't worn off by then.

Oh, no, I might have to get a second enthrallment.

Oh, wow.

I'm always here.

I'm always here, girl.

Oh, boy.

Ellen, anything you want to plug?

Oh, my gosh.

You know, I was looking for a girl.

Now I'm looking for

someone who can come teach my son a lesson.

And because he's a dog.

A true dog.

A true dog.

But I have a friend.

Woof woof.

Woof wolf.

Woof wolf.

Someone says wolf wolf.

I have to say it.

I have a friend who sometimes comes to

my parties with Frankenstein and goblins and whatnot.

Her name is Kylie Breakman.

You can follow her at Dead Eye Breakman on Instagram and whatnot.

And an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists on YouTube and Patreon.

That's something she has.

That's something she's talking about.

But

excuse me.

Wow.

Something she has, something she's talking about.

Light clot in the throat.

A little bit in the throat there.

But man.

You're turning invisible right now.

Are you squeezing those vaginal muscles?

Stop it, Scott.

I cannot tell you a secret.

It was the vaginal muscles the whole time.

We had can packs.

I knew it.

Just because you were right doesn't make it appropriate.

Good point.

You were right.

I didn't want to give it to you, but you were right.

Oh, I'm disappearing.

Oh, okay, Bob.

Before you go, though, I want to get my plugs out.

Of course, CBB World, we mentioned it.

You have to be here for this.

I was here during hers.

We have a lot of stuff going on this month.

We have some really good.

First of all, you get every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang we've ever done, all ad-free.

We have CBB Presents episodes, some really interesting stuff happening this month.

We just put out a new Geno show episode.

And we have Scott Hasn't Seen.

Of course, this is Ockingtober Shockingtober Frightening Fest month.

And so much stuff going on over there at CBB World.

Forgive me.

Last year,

these two guys, Byron Denniston and Andrew Lloyd Weber, watched the movie Saw.

They did, yeah.

Yeah, that was a special CBB presents.

And they claimed they were going to watch all of the Saw movies, and there was going to be be a new one every Halloween.

I mean, Hag has claimed eight before.

Who knows what is the truth?

That's the famous website?

Yeah, that's the famous website.

But

they said they were going to do it every year.

So who knows?

Oh, okay.

So maybe they'll do Saw 2 this year.

Perhaps they'll do Saw 2.

Yeah, we don't know, though.

Watch the sky.

Yes, that's right.

The truth is out there.

I also want to plug:

we have action figures, Italiano Jones, and Entre P.

Neur.

Action figures now on sale.

They're being delivered to people.

People really like them.

You can go to figurecollections.com.

We also have in stock Randy Snuts and Carissa, Big Seuss, Bragg the Whisperer, J.W.

Stillwater, and Scott Auckerman.

Complete your collection.

European customers can go to actionfigureseller.com.

And this is

European customers of anything.

Yes.

We sell anything to Europeans.

A lot of people have been wondering, oh, I missed this t-shirt or this t-shirt wore out.

And so we are doing a throwback t-shirt collection now, CBB Throwback Tees.

We have Calvin's Twins t-shirts, Comedy Bing Bong t-shirts, Hey Nong Man t-shirts.

They're They're available at podswag.com slash Comedy Bang Bang.

And these have never been worn.

These particular ones have never been worn.

These are new shirts, but they have the throwback designs on it.

Is that what you're asking?

Incredible, yeah.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Incredible.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

And tie it up real tight.

And then loosen up the thread.

Because you know you got it right.

It's not our time.

Thank you for not ending with a fart sound.

That was It's Not Time, parentheses, close it, and parentheses by Lot HaHa.

Thank you so much, a lot, ha ha.

By the way, if you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs.

And guys, I want to thank you so much, Burnt, Joan, and Doug.

Wonderful to see you guys again.

Wonderful.

Thanks for having us.

I look forward to our Ice Castles episode of Scott Hasn't Seen.

Yes.

Where we presume the main character is dead by now.

It's possible.

Much like Chewbacca

and everyone involved in the Star Wars universe.

Chewbacca was hit by a car.

That's right.

And Ellen Dracula.

I'm just kidding.

Once again, that is not me.

I wish you more luck with your son.

I I know, but you know, the good thing is, is he, you know, you can say he's not getting any younger, but he's also not getting any older.

And that, and that is the, that is the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's not like time.

Yeah, usually for Dracula's light at the end of the tunnel, that means daylight, which is a bad thing.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Yeah, I hate it.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.