Bonus Bang: Goose Tycoon (Jon Gabrus, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart, Drew Tarver)

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Speaker 1 Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall. And this week, we're very excited.

Speaker 1 We are continuing our series that we're calling A Buffet of Entrees. And it, of course, features one of our favorite characters, the self-starting inventor Entre P.
Newer.

Speaker 1 And that's, of course, played by Ego Wodem from SNL, one of her favorite characters to do.

Speaker 1 This episode is called Goose Tycoon, and it was originally released as Comedy Bang Bang episode 649 on April 8th, 2020.

Speaker 1 Now, we are about a month deep into the pandemic at this point, so keep that in mind. We also have John Gabris playing Gino Lombardo, who stops by to share his quarantine tips and techniques.

Speaker 1 We have Carl Tart as O.J. Simpson.
Of course, we have Ego Wodem as Andre P. Neur.
And finally, we have Drew Tarver. as documentarian Roger Peculiar.

Speaker 1 Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

Speaker 1 We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen. It's wonderful over there.

Speaker 1 And if you're a big Andre P. Neur fan, you can order the Entre P.

Speaker 1 Neur action figure at shop.figurecollections.com, as well as other great comedy bang bang action figures like Italiana Jones, Carissa, Randy Snuts. There's one of me that you may want to order.

Speaker 1 You can also go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang.
But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

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Speaker 1 you say tomato, I say get away from me, Mr. Tomato Man.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 1 Ah, yes, thank you to Big Butt Featherbottom for that wonderful catchphrase submission, Big Butt Featherbottom. Welcome to Comedy Comedy Bang Bang for another edition, week 47 of quarantine.

Speaker 1 All right, this sounds great.

Speaker 7 Let's just run it back and get it, lay it down right this time, okay?

Speaker 1 Run it back again? We have to lay it down again? What do you mean? Get what right?

Speaker 7 Yeah, no, that sound check went perfectly. Let's just roll right into the show, right?

Speaker 1 It's not a sound check. How can you be doing this from your home state of New York in Long Island and still not get it right?

Speaker 1 James, a little difficult.

Speaker 7 I don't have all my gear here with me because I'm not, I got quarantine.

Speaker 1 You don't have it here? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 You don't have it where you live. Then where is it ever? I mean, okay, you're not.
It's at my house.

Speaker 7 It's normally at my house or at your Wolf Studios, depending if I can fool the group of

Speaker 7 little people that you have that are engineers there. I sneak past them, grab a couple of kits or whatever.

Speaker 1 Why are they all so short? I don't understand.

Speaker 7 I don't know. It's confusing.
It's kind of creepy, but I like it.

Speaker 7 It gives whoever owns that place a little Willy Wonka vibe.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the show, by the way. Scott Auckerman here, and I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang coming up a little later.
This is exciting. We have

Speaker 1 a former

Speaker 1 athlete,

Speaker 1 no longer an athlete, perhaps too old for it, although we'll be talking to them about that.

Speaker 1 We have the subject of a recent documentary. That's very exciting.
And we have an idea person, an inventor.

Speaker 7 Oh, you're right. That does sound exciting.

Speaker 7 It sounds super specific, and I'm super pumped to listen to the rest of this episode.

Speaker 1 You know, you're just supposed to be doing, by the way, this is my intern, Gino. He does the sound and during quarantine, we've had to do it remotely.

Speaker 7 Oh, this is fucking wild. And I got none of my gear here.
I'm fucking running off.

Speaker 1 Where are you quarantined?

Speaker 7 I'm in the basement of Mama Gina's pizzeria. I've been here since I got, I got quarantined here on December 3rd.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 That was still three months out. What do you mean

Speaker 1 you got locked in the basement?

Speaker 7 I don't know. Some guy was like, you understand shit's coming for us.
And I said, what are you talking about? He's like, Please just get in the basement.

Speaker 7 Like, so I didn't know if it was a terrorist thing because I've been told terrorists are ready to attack NASA.

Speaker 1 Was he just trying to direct you? Was he just trying to direct you to the bathroom that was in the basement? Shit's coming.

Speaker 1 I wish. Oh, I wish.
I wish.

Speaker 7 But instead, he just directed me to this big hole that he dug, like in the middle of his basement floor. It's like a whale or something.

Speaker 7 And all that's down there is like jars of San Marzano, fucking tomatoes, gabagul, super set, mozzarella, some fucking, but what's it called? Burrata, you know, the gooier.

Speaker 7 It looks, you know, it's the fucking, it's the slimier mozzarella is what we call it on the island.

Speaker 1 But apparently it's not. I don't think we need to know every single ingredient that they serve there.
Where is it, Mama Who?

Speaker 7 It's Mama Gina's Pizzeria on Jerusalem Avenue in Belmont.

Speaker 1 That's so close to your own name. Do you ever get tricked into thinking that it's your mom's house?

Speaker 7 Well, that's why I'm here. I came here to get my, my mom usually does a pump and dump for me of breast milk, and I pick it up on Thursdays.
So on

Speaker 1 Thursday, December December 20th. This is for you? Wait, how long have you been drinking your mother's breast milk uninterrupted?

Speaker 7 I'm back on it. I'm back on it because

Speaker 7 I'm so skinny. I'm trying to gain weight.
So I went back to the straight to the tap, as they say.

Speaker 7 I actually, and I stopped drinking from the tap after being thrown out of Adventureland for breastfeeding as a 22-year-old man.

Speaker 1 So what have you been doing in the basement the whole time?

Speaker 7 I've been trying to figure out how to record audio, how to get the Zoom popping, all this stuff. I'm running, I got two little copper wires into a foot and a half slice of Gabagool, and

Speaker 7 that's powering a little surge protector I got going over here where I plugged in my laptop and then a few other things that I'm using to record this episode.

Speaker 7 So hey, leave me alone in Reddit if I get this wrong or if I say something racist.

Speaker 1 I don't think that that gives you an excuse for the latter.

Speaker 7 But the first thing that's saying, in case the audio sounds bad or I say something that could be misconstrued as misogynistic, I just want to say, give me a break. Okay.

Speaker 1 Quarantine. Certainly.

Speaker 7 I've been down here since December, for fuck's sake.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, do you miss your family? What's been going on?

Speaker 7 Well, my new family, which is just, I've molded some dough into assorted relatives. We had Christmas here, which was really nice.

Speaker 7 My uncle actually got me a hockey net, and so I've been training as a hockey goalie again, which has been fun.

Speaker 1 That is some impressive lattice work. You're on Zoom right now.
I'm taking a look at it, and that is incredible. Oh, yeah.
To do from raw dough?

Speaker 7 Yeah,

Speaker 7 you can see me lit because all I had to light down here was a couple of like old Tesla coils that I've got charging off old dry salami. So let me know.
You can see the lighting okay.

Speaker 1 I can definitely see. Yeah, I can see the shadowy outlines of your face, definitely.
Perfect. And you're looking incredibly gaunt.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah, that's it's fucking crazy down here. Even with all this food, it just goes right through me.

Speaker 7 Luckily, there's like a little drain in the bottom of this fucking well, or else I'd be knee-deep in fucking fecal matter. And goddamn, gluten crushes me these days.

Speaker 1 So, if your mom is still delivering the breast milk, why don't you just leave with her at some point?

Speaker 7 Oh, see, oh, all right, here we go. Fucking on the case, Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes here to protect us all.

Speaker 1 More of a Holmes and Watson type of thing from Will Farrell. Oh, I love that film.

Speaker 7 Here's the thing about me, Scotty. My mom is dropped, but she is so light these days, I can't hear her come in.
So I'm making noise as frequently, because I have no idea what day or time it is.

Speaker 7 Thank God you sent me a Zoom link and I was able to run my Apple Watch off some Gaba Ghoul that someone left underneath the doormat. Did I say Gaba Ghoul already? Let's make this one super soot.

Speaker 1 Would it surprise you to learn that it's April?

Speaker 1 It's April? Yeah.

Speaker 7 2015?

Speaker 1 No, 2020.

Speaker 1 We didn't go back in time.

Speaker 1 Did you think that everyone quarantined and suddenly we

Speaker 7 got to be

Speaker 7 kidding me? You got to be fucking kidding me.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Don't tell me.

Speaker 7 John Kerry won, right?

Speaker 1 You're stuck in a timehole. You're going backwards and backwards.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Well,

Speaker 7 this guy who, the guy who kidnapped me and put me down here, he says he's been trying to keep my timehole clogged the whole time I've been here.

Speaker 1 He's waiting someone kidnapped you? Wait a minute. The guy who tricked me.

Speaker 7 I don't know. The guy who tucks his dick between his legs and wears like a short silk robe and feeds me mozzarella sticks in a basket down at the bottom of my well here.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is a very different situation than what I thought was going on. I thought he just like

Speaker 1 invited you into the basement, but I guess he did, but he's keeping you down there.

Speaker 7 Yeah, he did at first, and he was so pissed that I was skinny because he was, because I guess he wants like big fatties or whatever.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 why did he think that you were fat?

Speaker 7 you know when he lured you down i guess he said i have a fat voice a lot of people tell me i I have a fat voice. A lot of listeners.

Speaker 1 I do have to say people say, Gino Lombardo doesn't actually sound skinny. Your body does not exactly match up with your voice.
I do have to agree with that.

Speaker 7 Yeah, this sounds, I don't know. My voice is genetically fat.
I don't get it. It's been killing me my whole life because being fat is like the worst thing that you can be.

Speaker 1 Sure, of course.

Speaker 7 It's one of the most disgusting traits a person can have is being overweight.

Speaker 1 So, but he's still allowing your mom to deliver this breast milk.

Speaker 7 Yeah, well, because he can't get enough of this shit either. All right.
You

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 7 he's apparently giving out slices.

Speaker 7 It's called If You Know How to Order Extra Cheese. It's made with

Speaker 7 my birth mother's breast milk. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Do you know how hard it is to get a 70-year-old woman to lactating again?

Speaker 1 How hard is it to get a 70-year-old woman lactating again?

Speaker 7 You got to get her pregnant. And you know how hard that is to get a 70-year-old woman pregnant?

Speaker 1 How hard is it?

Speaker 7 Well, to me, it was semi-soft most of the time, but it worked.

Speaker 1 So she had had you when she was 50.

Speaker 7 Yes, she had my mom had me when she was 50. She's now

Speaker 7 70-something, and she's been breastfeeding me now that I'm 20-something again. Wow.

Speaker 7 So I had to help my dad stay erect while he, well, my stepdad, my dad obviously is dead, but this stepdad, who is, I was raised as my dad,

Speaker 7 he,

Speaker 7 I had to keep him hard, you know, just like cinching the base of his shaft and stuff.

Speaker 1 Okay, so this is you're physically doing it and not just whispering things into his ear.

Speaker 7 Well, he, you know, he starts getting, you know, once you get the thing around the shaft, you're like, hey, I could use a couple more things.

Speaker 7 You know, it's like when you don't have an assistant, then all of a sudden you do, and all of a sudden they're doing all this shit for you. So next thing you know, I'm choking my stepdad a little

Speaker 7 bit in his asshole.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So now I'm like, I'm doing like all this shit, trying to keep my dad hard while he fucking pumps away, trying to impregnate my mom so we can get her breast move to get my body weight up.

Speaker 1 That's all I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Well, Gino, I'm glad you're doing okay. I, I,

Speaker 1 to be honest, you've been doing a great job with the audio here. I mean,

Speaker 1 oh, thank you.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you can hear a fucking mouse jerk off down here. It's so cool.

Speaker 1 Is that happening, really?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I guess that's the noise I'm hearing.

Speaker 7 I can't hear him jerk off, but I can hear him come.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. All right.

Speaker 7 Actually, this is something I learned recently from living down here amongst all these animals.

Speaker 7 A mouse sounds like a cat when it comes. When a cat comes, it sounds like a dog.
And when a dog comes, it sounds like a mouse.

Speaker 1 The circle of life.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's what Elton John was singing about when he wrote that song.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I suspected.

Speaker 1 Well, Gina.

Speaker 7 Hey, if anybody knows cum, it's Elton, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know why you would say that.

Speaker 7 Poor Bernie has to co-sign all these cum lyrics, you know, but he's into it. He doesn't care.

Speaker 1 Bernie Sanders?

Speaker 7 Yeah, Bernie. Doesn't Bernie Sanders and Elton John write all their music together, but Elton John's kind of the face of it?

Speaker 1 Well, Elton John is, you know, Bernie or bust, as we all know. Oh, yeah, me too.

Speaker 1 You're more like a Bernie and bust.

Speaker 7 Yeah, oh, I'm anything and bust. I'm jacking off in the voting booth as soon as I get my voting rights back.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad you're okay.

Speaker 1 I want you to be safe out there. I want everyone here to be,

Speaker 1 you know, all of our listeners. We hope you're doing okay.
And I'm glad that you're out there. And you've been doing a great job with the show.
It sounds great.

Speaker 7 Hey, thanks. You've been washing your hands, right, Scotty?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, occasionally. Have you been?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I've been watching. No, I've been washing my own hands.
I have been washing.

Speaker 1 Are you saying watching or washing? I'm washing my hands with soap and water.

Speaker 1 What are you watching? I'm putting them next to soap and water and just watching them.

Speaker 7 No, soap and water are my friends from high school that visit, and then we watch my hands.

Speaker 1 How can you be locked up down there if you're getting so many visitors?

Speaker 7 I get visit. I got visitation hours.

Speaker 1 You have visiting hours.

Speaker 7 Oh, okay. Yeah.
And then we all sit down and we watch my hands.

Speaker 1 Do you have a conjugal visit at all?

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah, but that's why I need to watch my hands.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 7 With so with hot, with soap and water. Now I'm saying I got to watch them in like a sink.

Speaker 1 Right. Oh, I yeah.
Yeah. All right.
Well, good luck to you, Gino. I hope

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, first of all, I want you to gain weight while you're down there. You have so much raw bread dough everywhere.

Speaker 7 I know, but this shit goes right through me, quite literally. Hey, Scotty, real quick.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I'm unable to pour waters for everyone, so I just want you to know I ordered on postmates from 10 different delivery drivers, one bottle of water each.

Speaker 1 Oh, so they'll be arriving at each. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 So if you ever need a bottle of water, just check your doorstep.

Speaker 7 I know you don't want to interact with them, which was your standing rule before the quarantine.

Speaker 7 So

Speaker 7 I figured I just told them all to leave it. So you might have a stack of water bottles there.
And I'll send Brent Morris to Bill.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, we want to get to our first guest, if that's okay.

Speaker 7 Let's do it. Sound speeds, whenever you're ready.

Speaker 1 Do you have them in recording?

Speaker 1 This is not just a friendly conversation that we've been having.

Speaker 7 And action.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. All right.
Well, hopefully someone got it.

Speaker 1 I mentioned she's been on the show many times before, and I mentioned she's an idea person. She's an inventor.

Speaker 1 I believe I may have said that she is a small business owner, which is not true.

Speaker 7 No, you said inventor and idea person.

Speaker 1 But I mean,

Speaker 1 previous, on previous episodes, I believe I've mistaken her for a small business owner. She has no small business, but her name leads one to believe that she would have one.

Speaker 1 But welcome back to the show. Entre P.
Newer. Hello.

Speaker 8 Welcome back to the show. Hello, Scott.
How are you, Scott? I'm doing okay.

Speaker 1 Scary times. Yes, scary times.

Speaker 8 Where are you? I'm not scared.

Speaker 1 You're not scared.

Speaker 8 I'm not scared. I love it.

Speaker 1 Where are you hold up? Are you what are you doing?

Speaker 8 Where are you? Am I hold up?

Speaker 1 G'd up? Hoed down?

Speaker 8 Peace up, A-town down. Yes.
I'm at Atlanta, Scott, where ideas are born.

Speaker 1 You're in Atlanta, ass up.

Speaker 8 Ass up, face down,

Speaker 8 not getting fucked one bit.

Speaker 1 That's the most I've ever heard you curse, by the way.

Speaker 8 Because I gave up my faith with what's going on. With what's going on,

Speaker 8 my faith is really void.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the pandemic here has shaken your faith to its very core to where you no longer believe in God?

Speaker 8 Yes, Scott. That is correct, Scott.
Wow. So I have an idea.
I have an idea.

Speaker 1 Wait, okay. So if you have not heard Entre on the show before, Entre comes in with ideas for businesses, with ideas for inventions.
So you have an idea now.

Speaker 1 The quarantine has given you some sort of an idea.

Speaker 8 Are you surprised, Scott, that I have an idea?

Speaker 1 No, you always come in with ideas. So I'm actually kind of at a baseline, just

Speaker 1 not moving the needle at all.

Speaker 8 Scott, because you seem shook, Scott. Well, yes, I do have an idea.

Speaker 8 Since I've given up my faith, I have thought maybe those of us who don't believe

Speaker 8 can gather as you as you will yes in these times i want us to gather because we will be covered by the blood uh what

Speaker 1 covered by what blood

Speaker 7 i'm listening i'm in so far so far you got me i love blood and i love gathering

Speaker 1 no i'm not

Speaker 7 he always says that and it's literally 45 seconds until the next thing he says and i know me talking when we're on zoom makes it even more difficult but i apologize

Speaker 1 normally when when you say we're covered in the blood, that's like a religious metaphor, but you're not religious anymore. What do you mean? We're literally

Speaker 1 literally the pandemic, we're all going to be bleeding out.

Speaker 8 Human blood. I want us to be covered by the human blood.

Speaker 8 I have an idea, but that's not my idea, Scott. That exists.

Speaker 1 Okay, I would hope blood. Yeah, human blood exists, obviously.

Speaker 8 Human blood is a thing already, Scott.

Speaker 1 And it's not rectangular, which most of your ideas are either rectangular or square.

Speaker 8 No, blood is flat. Blood is flat.
And it's always

Speaker 1 not two-dimensional. It's actually three-dimensional.

Speaker 8 Scott, I'm not here for your religious heebie-gby. I'm here to talk to you about my newest invention.

Speaker 1 All right, what do you got for us? Hit us with, and by the way, I will invest in something.

Speaker 1 I took a real crash. You have money now.
Yeah, I took a real crash on the stock market. So I'm just going through what's in the vault.

Speaker 8 Give us the number, Scott. How much were you making and how much do you make now?

Speaker 1 But I would say I have roughly in the, you know, I'm a little stock poor now, but I have roughly in the realm of $2.3 million here in the house.

Speaker 8 Okay, just cash. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, a combination of various things. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Oh, yes. Cash and Barry's bonds.

Speaker 1 Not Barry Bond.

Speaker 1 I have a Barry Bond trading card from his rookie season.

Speaker 8 I have a Barry Bond there in your house, Scott.

Speaker 1 No, I just have a trading card.

Speaker 8 I'm not quarantining with you, Scott.

Speaker 1 Daryl Strawberry is here, but not Barry Bond.

Speaker 1 Strawman. That's exciting.

Speaker 8 Daryl Strawberry. Is that an athlete?

Speaker 1 I believe it is. Yeah.
But he's just been, he's been making ice cream Sundays because he got into a side hustle. Yeah.
After he retired.

Speaker 8 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Clever of him.

Speaker 7 Daryl Sundays. It's got a good ring to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it really does. He only makes them on Sundays.

Speaker 8 Oh, okay. Clever.
Okay. So, Scott.

Speaker 8 I've got another idea. Okay.
Okay, you have an idea. To invest.

Speaker 1 Is it rectangular?

Speaker 8 Scott, please, King Scott, I can't spend too much time here. I have a few social gatherings to attend tonight.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What do you got?

Speaker 8 Okay, so it's a rectangle. It starts with a rectangle.
Sure, obviously. In that rectangle, there are other rectangles.
And each rectangle is

Speaker 8 kind of

Speaker 8 placed in a row, if you will. And in between the rows of rectangles is an aisle where people can walk.

Speaker 1 We just kind of

Speaker 1 a rectangle on the floor.

Speaker 8 Correct, Scott. You follow, you follow.
Okay, so at the front of the rectangle is going to be a rectangle kind of on its square side.

Speaker 1 Okay. Got it.
All right.

Speaker 8 Usually on top, some might put a Bible in

Speaker 1 this invention of yours.

Speaker 1 Someone would put a Bible in there.

Speaker 8 No, no, no, not in mine because we done gave that up.

Speaker 1 Well, this is a new invention, isn't it?

Speaker 8 Yeah, but I I think that, hmm, you put my back up against the wall.

Speaker 1 Wait, I'm really seeing.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry, Andre, but I'm really seeing what you're describing here. I don't want to.

Speaker 1 Are you talking about the backup against the wall and the face-down S-Up part?

Speaker 7 Oh, that I know. Well, in the middle of the night, that's how I do.
But like, what I'm saying is, I see what you're saying. I like the rectangles on the floor, a book of some sort.

Speaker 7 Maybe off to the side, there's like these little booths that you can go in and like tell secrets to a stranger.

Speaker 8 How did you know?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Just

Speaker 1 Sounds awesome. And Gino.
Does he want to invest? You're describing a church, the thing that you no longer want to go to.

Speaker 8 Scott, with all due respect, fuck you.

Speaker 1 It's not a church. That's not respectful.
You can't just say all the urinals.

Speaker 7 You have to urinols all around it and shit. Like you can walk up, dip your hand in the urinal.

Speaker 1 Those are not urinals, Gino. You have a different problem.
Those are not.

Speaker 1 Have you been keying in the...

Speaker 8 But, Scott, I don't have much time. Are you going to invest?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not going to invest. These things already exist and they're empty right now.
They're not doing any business right now during the quarantine.

Speaker 8 The ones you're saying exist are empty right now because those people are confused as to why what is happening right now is happening.

Speaker 1 They're empty because no one's allowed to go into... Right now, you're pitching me something that will get $0

Speaker 1 for who knows until when.

Speaker 7 All right, Entre, I'm in. I'll offer you $100,000 for 20% of your business

Speaker 7 at a 3% interest rate until I'm paid back, in which case it'll be a $1.5% in perpetuity.

Speaker 1 Wait, you think Entre is giving you the $100,000?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 The interest rate doesn't apply.

Speaker 1 She's not giving you the $100,000 in order to get

Speaker 1 20% of her country.

Speaker 7 How am I supposed to join in this business without a loan?

Speaker 1 I got no cash.

Speaker 8 Scott, I don't have much time. This has been.

Speaker 1 You keep saying that. I don't see you going anywhere.

Speaker 1 Are you leaving right now?

Speaker 7 According to your Zoom screen, you're standing on on the same

Speaker 7 back alley just screaming into your phone.

Speaker 8 Look, I have, Scott, I need money, honey.

Speaker 1 What do you need money for? I mean, is this quarantine?

Speaker 1 Are you not able to survive? Have you gotten your government surplus check yet?

Speaker 7 I got my stimulus check in the mail. 60,000 hours of free AOL.

Speaker 1 Ready to rock, baby. It was just one of those DVD ROMs that they sent you?

Speaker 7 Yeah, dude. It's sick.
I just got to figure out how to get it into my phone, and then I'll be all that free internet for you.

Speaker 1 Just keep pushing it against it. Eventually you'll find the sound.

Speaker 8 I've got an idea for one of those. Oh,

Speaker 8 a DVD-ROM.

Speaker 1 You have an idea for a DVD-ROM? What is your invention?

Speaker 8 Sure.

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 8 it's

Speaker 8 a square, but then it's a circle on top of a square. Okay.

Speaker 1 You see? Circle gets a square.

Speaker 8 You pop open the circle and you put in the DVD-ROM. And then you close the circle back up.
And then

Speaker 1 you're just talking about a DVD-ROM right now, the thing that you mentioned at the top when you said you had an invention for the DVD-ROM.

Speaker 8 I do have some things I want to say. I also just feel like I could bring an end to this entire virus that's kind of plaguing y'all.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you think, because we have scientists out there who are working on a vaccine, on cures.

Speaker 1 Is we Earwolf? When you say

Speaker 1 you have scientists, you have Earwolf is working on that? I guess I mean the entire country. I'm speaking more of the United States we.

Speaker 1 But you think

Speaker 1 when I say we, I mean my collection of magazines in the okay in my vault. But but as an inventor, you think that you might be able to invent the cure to coronavirus?

Speaker 8 Not might, not might, not might. I done invented it.
I done invented it. Okay, so it's kind of a cylindrical like a container.

Speaker 1 All right. So it's not a rectangle.
Wow.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 8 Cylinder. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 8 It's going to have

Speaker 8 a substance, a liquidy substance. You pump it into your hand, or wherever you want, and then you add water, suds form.

Speaker 8 The virus will not be able to stand.

Speaker 1 When you say suds,

Speaker 1 when you say suds, what do you mean? Like, what kind of suds? Like, what, like, um,

Speaker 8 bubbly ones.

Speaker 1 Like, like, like, how would you describe them?

Speaker 8 They're usually going to be white, right? Bubbly and white.

Speaker 1 Bubbly, like what? Like, what? Like, what kind of?

Speaker 8 Champagne. So, you know what happens when you get a beer? And it's a, you know, you guys like beers.

Speaker 1 Love beers.

Speaker 8 You guys look like you like beers. Hoppy.
What do you, y'all call it hoppy or whatever? It got bubbles at the top. Kind of like that, but thinner.
Also the way Gino likes his women.

Speaker 7 You know me, I'll fuck anything. And I love it all.

Speaker 8 A lie has been detected.

Speaker 1 Okay, sure.

Speaker 7 I'm Polly.

Speaker 7 I'm fucking,

Speaker 7 I'm Pan. I'm Polly.

Speaker 1 You're right.

Speaker 7 Fuck white people. So you know what I say?

Speaker 1 Polly want a cracker, baby. Of course.
Yes. You said that.
By the way, you said that on a recent episode, and you never, I thought you were in studio, but I guess this was.

Speaker 1 Did you get out of the basement to record that episode? That was just like a couple of months ago.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah. I guess I, I forget.

Speaker 1 Was that?

Speaker 7 That might have, we might have recorded that before December 4th when I was quarantined.

Speaker 1 Maybe you were on parole?

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah. I was on parole.
That's what it was. I was Police Academy.

Speaker 1 I was on parole.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah. Citizens on patrol.

Speaker 1 Citizens on parole as well.

Speaker 8 Are y'all going to invest in this?

Speaker 1 You're talking about soap, Andre. You're talking about soap.

Speaker 6 Scott, you are soap.

Speaker 1 My friend's soap from high school.

Speaker 1 All right, Andre, no, I'm sorry. We're not going to invest in soap.
Although, you know, a lot of the stores out there don't have a lot. So if you want to make some,

Speaker 1 you don't know what soap is?

Speaker 8 If I knew what it was, why would I be telling you I'm inventing it, Scott? That's

Speaker 8 sick in the head.

Speaker 1 Do you have a rope in the shower? Rope?

Speaker 8 I'm not going to hang myself.

Speaker 7 I have a rope in the shower.

Speaker 7 I have a braided belt that I use just to tighten around my neck while I'm showering and stuff. I just throw it over the shower head and I can lean forward, you know, get close to death, feel that.

Speaker 7 What I guess can only be one of the best orgasms you can have alone.

Speaker 1 When you can only guess.

Speaker 7 I'm saying you can only guess. I know how it feels.

Speaker 1 There's a reason we chase it. Okay.

Speaker 7 Because it's obviously good if people are willing to fucking die doing it.

Speaker 1 Gino, the show is not about the euphoric sensations of auto-erotic sex.

Speaker 7 Oh, don't remind me.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 We're going to come back with more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back with more Gino, more entree-pinure.
We'll be right back after this.

Speaker 7 Q-Break.

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Speaker 1 comedy bang bang we're back here uh gino lombardo my intern from long island sound speeds

Speaker 1 broadcasting uh he hooked us all up from the uh basement of mama gina mama gina mama gina's pizzeria in jerusalem pizzeria

Speaker 1 let out for good behavior uh to do our previous episode uh and uh came back to the basement like a a good little prisoner. We also have Andre P.
Nour is here, Inventor to the Stars.

Speaker 8 I stuck around. I stuck around.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Appreciate it.

Speaker 1 But we do need to get to our next guest. And this is exciting.
I don't know if you guys are sports fans, but this is one of the best players to ever play the game of that oblong brown ball.

Speaker 1 You know, we're talking about football.

Speaker 1 He played for the Buffalo Bills and the

Speaker 1 Cleveland Browns. Did you play for them? No, Scott, I didn't.

Speaker 1 Why do I think that? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you think that. I tell you one thing, though.
Cleveland could not be any further away than the actual team that I did play for after I played for the Bills. I tell you, Scott,

Speaker 1 you're a wild man, baby. What was it, John? I'll just say it.
Tokyo? How far away?

Speaker 1 San Francisco. Oh, okay.
So 3,000 smiles apart.

Speaker 1 3,000 smiles. Hey, I like that, Scott.
I've never heard that one.

Speaker 1 You know, Scott, DNU should create a nice little joke website. Those are getting really popular these days.
Joke websites.

Speaker 1 I remember, by the way, I want to introduce you in a second, but the last time we were on the show, we were starting a website together, were we not? Absolutely, Scott.

Speaker 1 I'm still raising some money for that domain, but it's coming in no time. All right.
Well, let me know when you raise the money. We'll talk to Squarespace about that.
Okay, extra blood.

Speaker 1 You take care.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Before you leave, I got to introduce you.
He's a former player for the San Francisco 49ers and the Buffalo Bills, and also dipped his toe into TV Pitchman and was an actor as well.

Speaker 1 He's really run the gamut with all types of entertainment. Please welcome back to the show, O.J.
Simpson. Oh, what a rousing intro, Scott.
I tell you what, man.

Speaker 1 You know, I haven't gotten an intro like that since I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978, and I did a whole speech about Orientals.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't remember that.

Speaker 7 Holy shit, Nodberg. That shit holds up.

Speaker 1 It's interesting. They let you do that in the 70s, and then they fire a guy for it

Speaker 1 just a year ago. It's interesting, right? I tell you what, but you know what? We're living in the time.
Andre, any opinion on this?

Speaker 8 I think it

Speaker 8 sounds horrible.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know, Scott, we're living in a time where everybody has to be politically correct these days, you know?

Speaker 1 And so, you know,

Speaker 1 evolution is a part of the process, and everybody has to participate in it and take part in it and if you don't you get left behind hey and i'm not trying to get left behind i'm just saying take care thank you so much juice to me uh politically correct that kind of happened in the 90s and uh speaking of which the 90s were a time when i stopped sort of paying attention to your career I would say approximately 1991, 92, around there.

Speaker 1 I sort of, you dropped off my radar and then you came back

Speaker 1 to 1992, the year of the riots i tell you one thing i was here and i decided to wrap my whole house in bubble wrap so if anybody came running into it they just bounced right off that was a bad idea then it is a bad idea now i'm just saying take care did you did you were you suffocating in that house it seems like you'd have to let some of the air in

Speaker 1 i'll tell you what scott i have been suffocating out in these streets for years and years but not from that bubble wrap, from this terrible air quality we got here in Los Angeles. You know,

Speaker 1 it's so thick sometimes you can cut it with a knife. But I'm telling you right now that they are, there are.

Speaker 1 That's a horrible way to go, by the way. Suffocating, I mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you're damn right, Scott. But you know what? Now that everybody's in their homes because of the stay-at-home order, you know, the air quality has gotten so much better.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Andre's in these streets and these sheets, apparently.

Speaker 7 And forgive me for, I don't mean to interrupt, Mr. Simpson, but it looks like you're on a golf course.

Speaker 1 Do you exclusively?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I got to get my 18 holes in that day. But hey, I'm staying six feet apart from everybody who I'm out here golfing with.

Speaker 1 Six feet. That's, by the way, the standard

Speaker 1 distance from the ground to where a body lies when they are put under this earth, when they're buried. Have you ever been to any funerals, Juice? You know, I have been to some funerals.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 My buddy and pal, Robert Kardashian, passed away.

Speaker 7 Oh, and rest in power, King.

Speaker 1 Rest in power, King. That's correct.

Speaker 8 Robert Kardashian Sr.

Speaker 1 Robert Kardashian Sr., yes, absolutely.

Speaker 8 Yes, like China's baby dad is still alive.

Speaker 1 Yes, you're very correct. You're very correct.
Oh, then I take back.

Speaker 7 Then I take back what I said. Mine was for Junior.

Speaker 1 I hope this isn't dated, by the way, with what's going on in the world. I know.
You tell me about it, Scott. Hey, Scott, let me ask you something.
Please do.

Speaker 1 Are you afraid to be out here in these times?

Speaker 1 How are you holding up? Are you going

Speaker 1 to the grocery store to get your essential items?

Speaker 1 Are you stocked up on toilet paper? I know I am. I hit the Costco day one of the quarantine and I bought 148 rolls because I know how my body works.

Speaker 1 And I love drinking milk and eating cream of mushroom soup. I tell you what,

Speaker 1 that's just me. I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 You take care. Okay, thanks.
Thanks. But stick around if you could.

Speaker 1 Juice, what else is going on during the quarantine? I mean, obviously, you must be keeping close with friends and family. I can't remember.
Are you married?

Speaker 1 I am not currently married. No, I'm living the bachelor lifestyle.
But once in my life, you know, back in our day, you had to get married right out of high school, right out of, you know, college.

Speaker 1 And that's what happened to you. I remember that you took a wife, right? And then.

Speaker 1 Yes, I got married way early in my life to a lovely friend who we're still friends today. Her name is Marguerite.

Speaker 1 But currently in this thing,

Speaker 1 I'm talking to friends and family over Zoom like we're doing right now, you know. And I'm also catching up on my television.
You know, I got that Netflix.

Speaker 1 I've been watching that Tiger King. Have you guys seen this program here? I'll tell you one thing these white people

Speaker 1 sometimes you just want to hurt them

Speaker 1 they were the way that they handle these wild stay away from wild animals white people yeah definitely i'm just saying

Speaker 7 i i i watched tiger king and all i wanted to do was kiss those animals on the mouth

Speaker 1 You must be white, Gino.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm rather white, as I've been told by the census and police when they don't bother me.

Speaker 1 You tell the census what you are.

Speaker 1 It's not the other way around.

Speaker 7 They came over to my house and said, you're white, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Not getting the bathroom.

Speaker 7 They put me in the fucking bathroom, my own house, and I had to wash my hands again.

Speaker 1 Juice,

Speaker 1 are you protecting yourself when you go outside? Are you wearing a mask? And what about gloves? I mean, do you have gloves on? Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I bought, you know, I hate to say this recorded online because people may think ill of me. And that's the last thing I want is people thinking negatively about me.
But I bought about 250 N95 masks

Speaker 1 right before the quarantine release. You should be sending those to medical professionals.
Well, you know,

Speaker 1 I thought about it and then I decided against it.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, that makes sense. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 As long as you thought about it and decided against it, then we're all right.

Speaker 7 All I've got are these N69 masks that you got to wear upside down.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Gina, what pizzeria are you in?

Speaker 7 Mama Gina's Pizzeria.

Speaker 1 Is that in New York?

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's in Long Island.

Speaker 1 It's in Talmud. Now, I got a funny story for you.
I used to drive all the way down from Buffalo to go right to Mama Gina's Pizza. And this is way back when Mama was still alive.

Speaker 1 Holy shit, that's amazing, Juice.

Speaker 7 That's such wonderful news.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'd sit there and cover ourselves in red sauce and just,

Speaker 1 you know, make love until the early evening hours.

Speaker 1 So you're just covered. Just some

Speaker 8 pizza.

Speaker 1 Some would say spattered with red. Spattered with red.
Yeah. This was the first time that happened.
And the second time, Mama Gina looked at me and said, Oj, that's what she used to call me, Oj.

Speaker 1 Short for OJ. Sure, she had her own distinct nickname for you, as opposed to Juice, which everyone else calls you.

Speaker 1 And she would say, OG, why don't we use flour this time? I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 It was a time. It was a time to be had.

Speaker 7 Use flour for what? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 As lube or just on your body.

Speaker 1 As lube. It kind of acts.

Speaker 1 It makes the opposite effect.

Speaker 1 You're telling me.

Speaker 7 I let a guy wrap his dick in flour, and by the end of him, he was pumping. He made a fucking full-on bagel in my ass.

Speaker 1 Wait, was this the bagel boss?

Speaker 7 This was the little bagel boss. He was standing on a stack of phone books, just splitting me in half.

Speaker 1 Guy's got a big hog, but we threw a bunch of flour in there.

Speaker 1 Does he travel?

Speaker 1 Does he travel with his own phone?

Speaker 1 Does he travel with his own phone books? Because those are hard to get these days. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 He had a bunch with him in his car, and it started drying up with the flour. So we threw poppy seed, sea salt, sesame seeds, onions, some garlic.
We do everything in it.

Speaker 8 You need to to pry, but how did it start to make a bagel? Because you got to boil the dough to make a bagel.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was boiling from what. Oh, Entre.

Speaker 7 It got fucking hot. This dude, you know, little people, not a lot of people know this, but if you're short, your dick gets even hotter than 98.6 degrees.
Really?

Speaker 1 Cartoon thermometer.

Speaker 7 It was red and real bright at the end, and he was just fucking tearing into me, you know?

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry, Juice. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Speaker 1 I don't want to. Listen,

Speaker 1 we've all had our experiences. I'll tell you one thing.
You mentioned phone books.

Speaker 1 I was in prison for a while.

Speaker 1 What? You know,

Speaker 1 trying to get my memorabilia back. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 A stain on my life and career that I don't love to revisit. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made.

Speaker 8 Was going to prison?

Speaker 1 Yes. For trying to get back my merchandise.
But

Speaker 1 in there.

Speaker 1 to enduring a riot you got to wrap phone books around your stomach area to prevent getting stabbed you see because who would want to be stabbed i i just i mean that's that seems like a horrible thing to go through hey i'm just saying i do know what you're just saying i have an idea i have another idea for what you y'all could have done in jail

Speaker 8 to keep from getting stabbed um it could be sort of a rectangle with a with a hole cut out up top for your neck and two holes on either side for your arms You would kind of just throw it over your body, maybe like it would look like a shirt or a tank top or

Speaker 8 OJ, OJ, you would call it a wife beater.

Speaker 1 I'm listening.

Speaker 1 Did that piqued your interest, OJ? I'm invested. I'm intrigued hearing those two words, wife and beater.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 7 I'm told you're supposed to call them A-frame shirts these days. I'm sorry, but I'm the one who's woke and broke and not a joke.
So suck my egg, just the yolk, baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 8 But be made of a sort of impenetrable

Speaker 1 substance. I hate to break it to you, but if you hate to, why would you do it?

Speaker 8 Okay, I won't. You could stop.

Speaker 1 I won't. Yeah, Entre.

Speaker 7 You're describing something called plate mail armor, which was invented in the Middle Ages that knights in different gladiatorial events would wear, like a breastplate, if you will.

Speaker 8 I actually was trying to describe a bulletproof vest.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 7 Oh, so you knew what it was, then?

Speaker 7 So you knew what it was?

Speaker 1 Obviously.

Speaker 7 You could have just said bulletproof vest, then it wouldn't have had any confusion.

Speaker 1 Well, I definitely needed that explanation. I needed that.

Speaker 1 All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more OJ, more entrepreneur, and, of course, intern Gino.
You'll stick around, won't you?

Speaker 7 I won't talk, though, okay?

Speaker 1 So keep a break.

Speaker 7 And whenever you're ready, Scott. I'm ready for it.

Speaker 1 Hit it. Yeah.
All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bang back after this.
Take care.

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Speaker 1 Coming, bang, bang, we're back here. Intern Gino on the ones and the twos, obviously.

Speaker 7 Cut break cue episode.

Speaker 1 Q episode? We're just starting the episode now.

Speaker 7 And action. Let's go.
Let's get

Speaker 7 Andre Pinur out here. Let's get OJ out.
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 We also have Andre Pinur here,

Speaker 1 inventor at large.

Speaker 8 Hi, Scott. Hi.
Hi. Good to see you again.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much. It's great to see you.
I mean,

Speaker 1 to see your domicile there in Atlanta there.

Speaker 8 East Atlanta, yes. I am in East Atlanta going to a party.
East Atlanta.

Speaker 1 What's the difference between East Atlanta and West Atlanta? One is rich, one is poor oh okay and which is which

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 well i think our next guest would be better equipped to answer that question oh okay all right great well uh uh uh oj uh entre thinks that you'll have a an opinion on this

Speaker 1 yeah i'll tell you one thing

Speaker 1 i've been to atlanta multiple times in my life and i love going down to the old World of Coke Museum.

Speaker 1 World of Coke.

Speaker 1 Is that the Koch Brothers or West Coast? That's the Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola Museum.

Speaker 1 And inside of that museum, at the end of your experience, you can drink a bunch of soft drinks that are made by Coca-Cola from around the world.

Speaker 1 And most of them are pretty tasty, but some of those damn things, you got to wonder, were those people in those countries drinking that stuff? You know, there is an appetite.

Speaker 8 No, OJ, now, what does this have to do with what you're talking about?

Speaker 1 What are we talking about right now?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 8 OJ,

Speaker 1 just wrap it up, OJ. Let us know.

Speaker 1 If we can call you. Oh, you got it.

Speaker 8 OJ, with all due respect, what does this have to do with which side of it?

Speaker 1 I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it.

Speaker 8 Oh, you're getting to it.

Speaker 1 Because right now it just seems like you're casting aspersions on other countries and their particular tastes.

Speaker 1 I'm getting to it. Okay.
There's an apertee

Speaker 1 from Italy called Beverly. And I tell you what, I took a sip of that and that joker was disgusting.

Speaker 1 I don't see how anybody could drink that stuff. But you know, you got to understand and you got to accept other cultures because America's a melting pot.
And I'm just saying. OJ.

Speaker 1 I give you a lot of leeway there to get to your point.

Speaker 8 OJ, now which part of Atlanta.

Speaker 1 Mayor next guest.

Speaker 1 Let's let it rest.

Speaker 8 And honestly, Scott, when I meant the next guest, I actually meant literally the next guest you intend because if I understand he has some ties to the South.

Speaker 1 To the South, certainly, but maybe not Atlanta. But let's tarry no further and introduce him.
He is the subject of a recent documentary. Please welcome Roger Peculiar.

Speaker 6 Hey, Scott, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 You're doing all right. Doing good.
You have a voice that naturally sounds like a Zoom freezing.

Speaker 1 Is that true?

Speaker 6 So it's not going through very clear?

Speaker 1 No, no, we can hear you crystal clear.

Speaker 1 Just your voice sounds naturally like like you know how when the sound elongates when a zoom freezes you just you sound like that constantly yeah i uh sometimes i have uh i i grew up next to a uh internet facility and what do you mean by like a house brain with the internet brain freezes it's a facility it's a public library

Speaker 1 you grew up next to a library do you ever check out a book from there

Speaker 6 yeah i went in there i checked out a couple books i got a Da Vinci code from Dan Brown.

Speaker 1 How'd you like that one?

Speaker 6 I did not end up reading it, and I returned it 24 days later.

Speaker 1 24. And

Speaker 1 how long was the rental period? What do they call it?

Speaker 6 It was a quick read. It was just a two-day.

Speaker 6 I've borrowed so many things, they only give me a two-day leash at this point.

Speaker 8 Do you have allergies?

Speaker 1 A lot of people ask me that.

Speaker 6 That's just my accent, and my nose has gone to hell.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Roger, let's dig in deep to your uh details here.
You yeah, are you from the south? Obviously, you're from the south.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm from Georgia. You know, I've just figured it was a perfect time to promote my zoo documentary since Tiger King has become so popular.

Speaker 1 You have a zoo documentary.

Speaker 6 Yes, I'm here to promote my uh zoo documentary, Goose Tycoon,

Speaker 1 Goose Tycoon.

Speaker 6 Yes, you know how Joe Exotic is a zookeeper for tigers, and I am one for geese

Speaker 6 and some ducks and some swans.

Speaker 1 Did you make this documentary as a parody of Tiger King?

Speaker 1 Because you're constantly relating it to Tiger King.

Speaker 6 I just want people to know where it's coming from.

Speaker 6 It's very popular. I'm actually pretty upset about it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so your documentary is not a reaction to Tiger King.

Speaker 6 No, I've had this documentary going already.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 7 I've seen it, Scott. I used to watch it with some friends.

Speaker 1 You've seen Goose Tycoon?

Speaker 7 I watched the first, I guess, first 40 or 50 episodes.

Speaker 1 There's a lot.

Speaker 7 But

Speaker 7 it was fun. It was good.

Speaker 1 I like a lot of it. Are these episodes?

Speaker 6 That is a complaint from a lot of people I'm pitching the documentary to that it is just a hundred consecutive episodes of a small show.

Speaker 1 Are these quick bites?

Speaker 6 Well, I wanted to pitch it to Quibby, but I haven't been able to pitch it yet there. I pitched it to

Speaker 6 CBS All Access.

Speaker 6 Sure. I pitched it to CISO 2.

Speaker 1 They made a sequel to CISO?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yes. Everybody said, we're called Peacock.

Speaker 6 And I just kept it.

Speaker 1 You're like, it's always CISO to me.

Speaker 6 It's always CISO to me. I pitched it to Redfin TV.

Speaker 1 The home buying app?

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 6 Redfin TV.

Speaker 6 If you're looking for a mid-price condominium, you can also see a little bit of content on that app now.

Speaker 7 That's how I saw it. A guy I used to smoke dust with

Speaker 7 used to be a PA at Redfin TV, so he had some pitch materials, and that's how we watched it at a sleepover party. It was fucking wild.

Speaker 6 And my final pitch was to the iPhone app wallet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the thing that comes on iPhones that sort of organizes.

Speaker 6 Apparently they're going to keep

Speaker 6 your credit cards, maybe a couple of boarding passes, and then a couple of episodes of TV in there now.

Speaker 1 Okay, right. So anytime you open it up, hey, I'd love an episode of television in my actual wallet.
That would be great.

Speaker 6 Wouldn't that be great? Because you need something to do when you got your boarding pass out and you're waiting. You got your shoes off.

Speaker 6 and you're waiting there to go through the damn scanner and it's like i wish i could just watch a little something right here it's mainly for when you put your briefcase through the TSA box until you walk to the other side.

Speaker 1 That's when it you should be putting your phone, you should be putting your phone in that TSA box, I think.

Speaker 7 So, this show is for you to watch specifically while you're getting your body scanned at the TSA.

Speaker 6 Yes, when you have to, the problem with the wallet is, and and but I want to, I want to work with the wallet, you have to always ask for additional screening so you so you can go through the thing where you can take your phone.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
So you that's going to be so so it's there to waste time when you are asking for additional time. Exactly.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a very specific time period that you want people to watch your show.

Speaker 1 Well, I know I'm not, I don't work for Wallet.

Speaker 6 I just want to be on that there.

Speaker 1 Right. Okay.
Is all I'm saying. And did they, did any of these places buy your pitch? No.

Speaker 6 Nobody. Everybody said, no, this sounds like a parody of another documentary.

Speaker 1 Take us through, what is it, Goose Tattoo? What was it?

Speaker 6 Goose Tycoon. Tycoon.
And my name is Roger Peculiar.

Speaker 1 Yes. Which also, by the way, if I if I gunned my head, I would say sounds as well like a parody of the person from Tiger King.

Speaker 6 So you're saying I ran all these words through a synonym generator?

Speaker 1 Possibly.

Speaker 1 Is that what you're saying well that I'm a real person Scott that's not what happened you know sure but I I I am part of the the goose the big bird conservationalist community the the this isn't related to Sesame Street do you mean

Speaker 1 no no this isn't a

Speaker 6 large bird just very large large birds okay Yeah, and you know, unlike tigers, which are more valuable when they're younger, geese are better when they're old.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. So I'm always on the lookout for old-ass geese.

Speaker 7 What do you mean by better?

Speaker 1 And what do you mean by I'm always on the lookout for?

Speaker 6 Well, you know, a geriatric goose from the Black Market Breeder can cost $40.

Speaker 6 And I know a guy who will sell me one for 60 Capri sons.

Speaker 1 So basically.

Speaker 1 Basically,

Speaker 6 you want a goose when you got people watching your gooses, you got paying customers there watching your gooses,

Speaker 6 you want them to be old and docile so they are not attacking the people that are petting them and that you're holding them next to their head.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, it's a petting zoo for old geese.

Speaker 6 Well, yeah, we show them. You can pet them.
And a lot of people keep telling me. Wallet TV said, this is not as exciting as Tiger King.

Speaker 6 Geese aren't exciting.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't even think it's just the geese. I mean, Tiger King seems to have a lot of like murders in it.
And I mean, you're definitely an oddball. Well,

Speaker 6 I have a Carol Baskins.

Speaker 1 You have a Carol Baskins.

Speaker 6 Yes, her name's Angela Dumpson.

Speaker 6 Angela Dumpson. I've had it with Angela Dumpson.
She is my Carol Baskins.

Speaker 1 I would think it would be more like song

Speaker 1 31 flavors.

Speaker 1 so see you can't run a name through a synonym thing because it'll change it to businesses a carol is also

Speaker 1 it's also a noun

Speaker 1 right oh i guess you meant baskins yeah

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 6 but yeah my enemy is angela dumpson she's she's a goose protector and she's always saying oh

Speaker 6 Oh, Roger, you can't keep geese. They need to fly south for the winter.
And I said, not if you buy them little tiny coats.

Speaker 1 So have you killed anybody like

Speaker 1 in Tiger King? Isn't that a thing? Everyone has a theory. OJ, don't you have a theory about that? Oh, I got a huge theory about it.
I think that that man, Joe Exotic, sliced that woman up. Also,

Speaker 1 that wasn't the question.

Speaker 1 That's not.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 6 That's not what happens in the documentary. They think Carol Baskin

Speaker 6 killed her husband.

Speaker 1 I think that Joe Exotic got so upset because Carol Baskin was clearly cheating on him and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends. And I think that he went over there just to talk one day.

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden, her husband Howard is also there. And he's bringing back some glasses that Carol left at the restaurant.
And I think he stabbed her right on up.

Speaker 1 This just doesn't sound believable.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying. I do know that.
Take it. What were you going to say, Roger?

Speaker 6 That is a conspiracy theory that I do not think exists for this movie.

Speaker 1 You don't wait. You don't think it exists?

Speaker 6 It exists now because he said it, but it is an off-the-wall.

Speaker 1 I guess you don't think it's accurate. It doesn't exist.
It's not accurate. It exists.

Speaker 6 But I've had it with Angela Dunson, who is my Carol Basket.

Speaker 1 Sure, you keep saying it.

Speaker 7 What were you saying about her before Tiger King came out?

Speaker 1 What were you able to call her before you saw this documentary?

Speaker 1 Tiger King's only been out like a week and a half or two.

Speaker 6 I just called her Angela Dumpson, but now I get to say Angela Dumpson is my Carol Basket.

Speaker 1 Are there other things?

Speaker 6 She put me on a website called naughtygooseguys.net.

Speaker 6 And I have had it with her.

Speaker 1 I heard her. Right, what else is she doing?

Speaker 6 Well, I got her back, though. I trained one of my geese to steal one of her goose's eggs.

Speaker 6 And he went over there and he took it and he nudged it back to my place 14 miles with his beak. It took him three weeks.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you drive him to the like the perimeter of her place and just walk?

Speaker 6 I don't let the geese ride with me in the car anymore because they're back seat drivers is that what happened in vegas

Speaker 6 well in vegas i'll tell you what happened in vegas some of them some of the geese got loose in vegas and they did six hundred dollars of damage to toby keith's i love this bar and grill

Speaker 6 that's a that's a sad story Yeah, they purchased the MLB network on every flat screen with their beaks.

Speaker 1 That's the damage, the $600 worth of damage. Yeah, no one was hurt.

Speaker 1 No property was harmed.

Speaker 1 That damn old MLB network is very expensive in hotels.

Speaker 6 It's too much.

Speaker 7 I think I remember hearing about this because you got in a little hot water because you were using that sedan as a, you were also driving for Lyft around Vegas, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, my lift rating.

Speaker 6 My lift rating has severely suffered since I've been also trying to run a uh multiple geese uh petting business out of it

Speaker 6 but i do have wait multiple

Speaker 6 you have multiple businesses or you can pet multiple geese no you can pet multiple geese but i always one business i always tell them i have the nasty little white lifesavers

Speaker 6 what else do you want

Speaker 1 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 8 I like those lifesavers. I like the white ones.

Speaker 1 No. individually wrapped white ones the ones i like those white ones

Speaker 1 you know you don't like white lifesavers but like white everything else black lifesavers matter okay those are the only ones okay what could what could they be black would they be licorice flavored what i mean

Speaker 8 they could be whatever they want scott They could be chocolate flavored, Scott, if they wanted to switch it up.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, Andre. By the way, what race are you? Have we ever established it?

Speaker 8 All of them.

Speaker 1 Everything. You got a little bit of.

Speaker 8 OJ, you all black. You all blackety black, black.

Speaker 1 You know, people have said otherwise over the years. OJ,

Speaker 8 I'm looking at you. You're black.

Speaker 1 I've always thought. You're looking at me.
I've always thought, OJ, that I could relate to you, though.

Speaker 1 You thought that you could relate to me, Scott? Yeah, you know,

Speaker 1 you're one of the, you're,

Speaker 1 how do I phrase this?

Speaker 7 You're going to say one of the good ones?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Just you're you're.

Speaker 1 you heard it here first.

Speaker 7 Scott Ackerman says, O.J.

Speaker 1 Simpson, one of the good ones. One of the good ones.
You're just an American success story and something that we can all aspire to be. Scott, I tell you, I appreciate that tenfold, a hundredfold.

Speaker 1 Almost as many folds as how many N95 masks I have sitting in my basement, which is quite damp. So some of them may be getting a little.

Speaker 1 So a little mold in those folds, yeah. Yeah, some mold in those folds.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Roger, I have to ask, other details here on your Goose Tycoon documentary or what's been going on there?

Speaker 6 Well, yeah, I mean, I do also sing.

Speaker 1 Oh, much like, what's his name? Joe Exotic?

Speaker 6 Joe Exotic. Roger Peculiar also has a singing career.

Speaker 1 I get Roger from Joe.

Speaker 1 I didn't get it from him. I've actually

Speaker 1 from your mom. I'm older than him.

Speaker 1 Right, right. So, but you, you sing, though.

Speaker 6 I do sing.

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 6 I got a few songs. I got one out called Gooseman.

Speaker 1 Let's hear it a little bit. All right, you want to hear it?

Speaker 1 Hey, now.

Speaker 6 Hey, now, you're a gooseman. Get your game on.
Go play.

Speaker 6 So that's how that one goes.

Speaker 1 It's not even...

Speaker 8 Go what now?

Speaker 1 It doesn't even rhyme with all-star.

Speaker 1 What is it? Rhyme with what? All-star?

Speaker 6 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 The all-stars?

Speaker 6 Like the baseball team for the little good boy.

Speaker 1 What's one of your other songs, Roger?

Speaker 6 This one's called Mom Goose Bit My Finger.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 6 Hey now, Goose, Bit My Finger, get your game on, go play.

Speaker 6 What do I think about that one?

Speaker 1 I think it's a hit.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to let you argue anymore. I love them.

Speaker 7 These are my favorite kind of songs where they have different beginnings, but all the same second line.

Speaker 1 Well, you're going to like this next one

Speaker 6 it's nothing like the first two. A lot of people are saying the first two are similar.
This last one is completely different.

Speaker 1 What's it called?

Speaker 1 Last one. It's called.
You all got three songs.

Speaker 1 It's not

Speaker 1 exactly a large oeuvre.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I come with numbered, only a few songs.

Speaker 1 But this one's called Beaks Are Just Hard Mouths.

Speaker 1 Let's hear it.

Speaker 1 All that glitters is gold.

Speaker 1 Only shooting stars break the mold.

Speaker 1 You didn't change any of the lyrics on that one.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 That's the beginning of that song.

Speaker 1 Roger,

Speaker 1 any other funny things? Yeah.

Speaker 7 Roger, do you have nine or ten more songs to take us out of this thing?

Speaker 6 Well, I did. I did.

Speaker 7 Roger, I hope you came with a lot of fucking ideas.

Speaker 6 I did. I need to go back a little bit, but I did run for mayor.

Speaker 6 I ran for mayor, and I lost to a man with 1,000 face piercings.

Speaker 1 Is that something to take us out on?

Speaker 8 Roger, are you married?

Speaker 6 Well, I'm glad you brought that up because I,

Speaker 6 of course, Tiger King had three boyfriends over the course of the Dr.

Speaker 1 Veterans.

Speaker 1 Husbands.

Speaker 6 I already had two husbands and

Speaker 6 one boyfriend at the end.

Speaker 6 But I also play in the field.

Speaker 6 Only problem is the field is empty and no one comes to my field.

Speaker 1 So you don't have to.

Speaker 8 Is that a long way of saying

Speaker 8 no?

Speaker 6 Well, I was involved in a threesome recently, or I guess you could call it a love triangle.

Speaker 6 It's a married couple that I met at a bar that asked me to leave them alone when I send them a chicken finger plate from the Dairy Queen.

Speaker 1 You were at a bar.

Speaker 1 We used to call that a cluck situation. Yeah, I was getting clucked.
So you

Speaker 1 were

Speaker 1 cluck holding. You were at a bar and you called the Dairy Queen and had them send over a plate?

Speaker 6 I'm always packing a chicken finger plate with the white gravy from Dairy Queen.

Speaker 1 Gosh, Dairy Queen.

Speaker 1 We're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs.

Speaker 1 I need to know your Twitter handle, too.

Speaker 1 I need your plug, baby, baby, yeah, I need your love.

Speaker 1 Joe's plug, baby, baby, yeah, I need your love.

Speaker 1 Joe's love, baby, baby, yeah, I need your love.

Speaker 1 Cause you got plugs

Speaker 1 Ooh, very nice. That was I Need Your Plugs by Mark Shartz.
Ooh, don't like that name, but thank you to Mark Shartz. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Obviously,

Speaker 1 not a lot going on in the field of entertainment other than with

Speaker 1 things that are being beamed directly to people's houses. But Gino, what do you have to plug?

Speaker 7 I've just been listening to

Speaker 7 this comedian from Long Island named John Gabris, his podcast.

Speaker 7 True story,

Speaker 7 he actually is in a painting

Speaker 7 in the Mama Gina's Pizzeria upstairs. So if you happen to live in Long Island, go to Mama Gina's and see if you can find my favorite comedian, John Gabris, painted somewhere on the

Speaker 1 Mama Gina's.

Speaker 1 It's really funny at that one.

Speaker 7 He has a huge fan of John Gabris. Everyone loves this guy.
He's got a podcast called High and Mighty, and then also one where he talks about action movies called Action Boys at actionboys.biz.

Speaker 7 Boys has got a Z. Biz has got a Z.
And he's lucky because he can keep working throughout this,

Speaker 7 not making any money, but he's working his ass off.

Speaker 1 Very good. All right.

Speaker 1 Andre, what are you plugging?

Speaker 8 You know, I would like to plug

Speaker 8 hand washing,

Speaker 8 staying inside.

Speaker 1 Hand washing with what, though? How do you wash your hands?

Speaker 8 I think everyone's going to need to get in touch with me. Something that creates suds, suds and water.
You guys all have water. Hand washing, stain inside.

Speaker 8 You know.

Speaker 7 Oh, suds, like

Speaker 7 the head of a beer.

Speaker 1 You like beer, right?

Speaker 8 Top of a beer where it's hoppy because y'all like beers. I love hoppy.

Speaker 8 Y'all look like you like beers. Okay.
And, you know,

Speaker 8 you could find me and my friends on the internet.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Uh-huh.
We can find you on the internet. Okay, very good.
Yes.

Speaker 7 OJ, do you drink beer? Do you like it with or without head?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 do you like your beer with the without do you like your beer headless I call it neck

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 how do you feel about the rhyme protect your neck oh that's another good rhyme

Speaker 1 I like a good beer with a good two inches ahead on it

Speaker 1 hey two inches a neck oj are you a film lover by the way no i love film do you ever watch do you like the oscars here when you know when they give away those uh uh the gold man oh oh oscar yeah yeah do you like the gold man

Speaker 1 the the gold man?

Speaker 1 You know, I'm more of a fan of the

Speaker 1 golden globe. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Sure, of course. OJ, do you have, are you going to plug anything? You know, you could catch me here in Viva, Las Vegas, Sen City, where anything is possible playing on the green.

Speaker 1 Or, you know, I'm a natural going football player, but I also love basketball. And I like like listening to this Patreon podcast called The Flagrant Ones.

Speaker 1 And they're still pumping it out even during this time of turmoil. Fantastic.

Speaker 1 Their names are Hayes Davenport, Sean Clements, and Carl Tart. Oh, those men.

Speaker 1 You got to pay a little $5 fee, but that's not much, you know?

Speaker 1 I'd put it this way. You pay $5, and I'll send you one of my N95 masks, as long as you pay $5 to the Patreon.

Speaker 8 Now, is it going to be one of of the soaking wet masks?

Speaker 1 All of them are soaking wet.

Speaker 1 I turned my basement into a steam room, and because you know, it gets pretty hot out, hot, and dry out here in Las Vegas, and so I have to, you know, keep steam in my body to make sure my skin doesn't clog all the way up and I get no acne bumps on my face.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, take care. Of course, yes.
Uh, how about the goose tycoon himself, uh, uh, Roger Peculiar? What are you plugging?

Speaker 6 Of course, if you work at the iPhone app wallet, please buy Goose Tycoon.

Speaker 6 And if you

Speaker 1 hate

Speaker 6 Carol Biskin, you will.

Speaker 1 Who is, by the way, your

Speaker 6 Carol Baskins is, of course,

Speaker 1 Angela Dupper. Did I hear some papers rustling?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, you didn't.

Speaker 6 But if you hate Carol Beskin, you will love The Teacher's Lounge, which is a podcast you can listen to. And also,

Speaker 6 if you

Speaker 6 love

Speaker 6 joe exonic you will also love the other two which is on itunes oh that's right it's a great time to catch up on uh those

Speaker 1 things uh now that we have so much time on our hands uh i just want to yeah i want to plug um

Speaker 1 uh well i want to remind you we talked about this monday but our arizona shows which were supposed to be in about a month they uh got pushed we rescheduled them for september so we'll be september 18th in tucson and september 19th in phoenix so uh oh that's great i'm free in September.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. Okay.
Well, come by and watch.

Speaker 8 I'll be in two as well. If it's early, yeah, I'll be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 yeah, Andre, Andre, I was going to say, like, the thing that you normally work on, is that ever even going to come back this year?

Speaker 8 My friend's one woman show, Great Black Woman, and then there's me. I know that's what you're asking about.
Oh, sure.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 That one, no, I haven't done it in some time. I don't think

Speaker 1 I'm going to be in the 2020.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Are you going to come, Scott? Are you going to find me?

Speaker 1 I'm definitely going to come. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Okay, well, UCB has been shut down for the time.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 8 You know, my friend says she's willing to come to your house, stand six feet from you, and do the one woman show. How can you do that? She just left the table.

Speaker 6 She just let us do improv at your house, Scott.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 Come on, Scott.

Speaker 7 Please.

Speaker 8 That other thing, that other thing might be back.

Speaker 1 The other thing, there might be an episode.

Speaker 1 One episode. All right.
we may see it. All right, let's close up the old plug back.

Speaker 1 You start with a C when you wanna close it up.

Speaker 1 You lead with an L and then you're rio comes and then he just says:

Speaker 1 Been loading all my life

Speaker 1 in the days of paradise.

Speaker 1 Let's get it all our lives.

Speaker 1 Open up the flood.

Speaker 1 Open it enough to

Speaker 1 open it up.

Speaker 1 Open up the puppet bag.

Speaker 1 Blumping up the flood bag. Everybody wants to open it up the blood blocking.
Just keep it fucking hoping up, the pump, holding up the pump. Holding up, the pump, open up the bump.

Speaker 1 Open it up.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Guys, I want to thank you so much for being on this episode. And I hope you're taking care of yourself, not only our guests here, but you, the listeners.
Gino, thanks so much.

Speaker 1 I hope that the devilish person who has imprisoned you releases you at some point because I'd love to have you back on the show.

Speaker 7 I'd love it if he gave me a full release, it would be amazing.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll see if we can arrange that for you. Uh, Entre, so great to see you.
Uh, please come back.

Speaker 8 Wonderful to see you, Scott.

Speaker 1 Uh, maybe at some point you'll pitch something ovular or circular.

Speaker 8 I did a cylindrical uh uh

Speaker 8 object today.

Speaker 1 Okay, very good, very good. Okay, uh, OJ, oh my gosh, what a fan.
What a pleasure to have you on the show, Scott.

Speaker 1 I just want to say you're a gem and a scholar, and I'm lucky to be uh joined with you, joined at the hip. Yeah.
Scott Auckerman, O.J. Simpson.
I love that. The bond can never be broken.

Speaker 1 I would love Comedy Bang Bang to always be associated with you, OJ.

Speaker 1 And I would love for it to be myself, my man.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying. You take care of that.
Okay, but before we take care, I want to thank

Speaker 1 what's the parody of Jim. Roger Peculio.
Roger Peculio.

Speaker 6 Roger Peculio.

Speaker 1 All right. Thanks, everyone.
We'll see you next time. Thanks.
Bye.

Speaker 1 And cut.

Speaker 7 We We got it.

Speaker 1 That's a wrap.

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