Bonus Bang: The PeeE Neurs (Langston Kerman, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart, Paul F. Tompkins)

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Speaker 1 Hey, everybody, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

Speaker 1 And today we are starting a new series we're very excited about. This series focuses on the wonderful character Entre P.
Newer, played by Ego Wodem of SNL. We all love Ego on SNL.

Speaker 1 She just left that show after seven seasons, I believe,

Speaker 1 and a great talent. She comes on Comedy Bang Bang, and this is one of her favorite characters to do.
And this new series we're calling a buffet of entrees.

Speaker 1 And every episode is going to focus on Andre P. Neur.
Now, this episode is called The P. Neurs, and it was originally released as Comedy Bang Bang episode 592 on March 17th of 2019.

Speaker 1 We have Ego as Entre P. Neur, as well as the first and only appearance thus far of Entre's brother, Appetizer Pieneur, played by Carl Tarte.

Speaker 1 We also have comedian Langston Kerman, who is going to talk about writing for the Oscars, the year that Chris Rock hosted, and also maybe a little visit from a very frequent guest, the very patriotic Jarles, played by Paul F.

Speaker 1 Tompkins. Now, if you enjoyed this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

Speaker 1 We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen.

Speaker 1 And if you're a big Entree Pieneur fan, you know you can order the action figure right now at shop.figurecollections.com.

Speaker 1 We also have other great Comedy Bang Bang characters like Taliano Jones, Carissa, Randy Snuts. You can even get an action figure of me, should you so desire.

Speaker 1 You can also, if you're outside of the U.S., go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases.

Speaker 1 We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you a deep impact then. Armageddon out of here.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 1 Thank you to Senor Gravy Stains. Senor Gravy Stains.
What a wonderful username you have and a wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.
This is exciting.

Speaker 1 We have coming up on the show, we have a small business owner or perhaps an inventor. I can't recall, but she's been on the show before.

Speaker 1 So we'll be talking to her about her business ideas. And we also have a relative of hers as well coming up a little later.
So that's very exciting.

Speaker 1 But before we get to all that

Speaker 1 interesting conversation, we're going to have a side interesting conversation with our guest of honor, as I like to call our the first person we ever talk to.

Speaker 1 He's never been on the show before, although he was on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, and he and I have worked together in the past.

Speaker 1 Wonderful comedian. You can see him on Insecure, which is, I believe, an HBO show.
If I'm no, it's not.

Speaker 1 It is an HBO show.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 please welcome Langston Kerman. Hello.
Yay! He's pumping his fists up and down. He's out of time.

Speaker 1 First time, long time. First time, long time.

Speaker 1 We decided a few episodes back that when you tape your first appearance,

Speaker 1 we do a first and last policy. So you tape your last one right after.

Speaker 1 And then you can be on in between. But we don't want to have just suddenly you disappear.
And everyone's like, where'd Langston go? So we want to do a celebratory goodbye to the whole thing.

Speaker 1 I've been doing so many of those, by the way, that I have about a year and a half banked of just the last episodes of everyone so when i see an immemorium of all of exactly everyone saying goodbye singing to me i hope you have something in the chamber turning the lights off at the end of the episode exactly a la cheers um welcome langston it's so good to see you uh uh you and i go a bit uh back a few years back uh we worked on a pilot together that's right uh which shall remain nameless and we don't tell anybody

Speaker 1 never got picked up and then we rode on the oscars together which was a fun, fun time. Was it fun time?

Speaker 1 Scott.

Speaker 1 It was hard. It was really hard.
It was hard for you. It was very hard.
I dipped in and out. I was taping the last season of Comedy Bang Bang, and I...

Speaker 1 I didn't have a lot of time, but they said, just come by whenever you can.

Speaker 1 You had a sweet deal because you would come in and be real casual about whatever that was. And I had been in the room for like seven hours bombing.

Speaker 1 And I believe we got paid exactly the same. Yeah, it was very frustrating.
When they handed out the checks at the end, I saw that our

Speaker 1 identical. Yeah, too bad.
Too bad. But we met Pootie Tang and that was pretty cool.
That was great. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he was great. We wrote for the Chris Rock year.
And if you're going to pick two people to write for Chris Rock, you and me are the obvious choices.

Speaker 1 It was perfect.

Speaker 1 Me, you, and Neil.

Speaker 1 Neil Campbell, yes. Kill him with Chris Rock.
The three of us, and Steve O'Donnell as well. I remember the four of us would hang out a bit together.
It was fun.

Speaker 1 That was, I mean, that was was one of your first high-profile writing gigs. Is that correct? How was that first? It was my first actual writing gig.
No way.

Speaker 1 Did you have to join the WGA, as they call it? I think so. Yeah, I think that was the WGA strike over here.
I think I joined. Yeah, I'm really standing with them in all of this.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, I think that was the first one that I ever had to do. What was it like?

Speaker 1 I mean, a lot of people out there, look, you're a wonderful stand-up comedian who has a body of work out there in the stand-up field.

Speaker 1 But a lot of people out there who are interested in show business or trying to get in show business, they want to know what is that experience like writing for the Academy Awards.

Speaker 1 And for that to be your first writing job, what is it like? Yeah, it's terrifying, right? Like,

Speaker 1 it's just you trying to figure out how to make your hero laugh for

Speaker 1 a day. You're a big Chris Rock fan.
I love Chris Rock. He's one of the best to ever touch a microphone.
And then you try to make him laugh and it doesn't work.

Speaker 1 And he figures out new ways to be funny about telling you you're doing bad. So it's a big part of it.
That was a big part of it. A lot of the humor came from just telling us we were doing a bad job.

Speaker 1 It was like, hey, make it funny. And it's like, oh, okay.
All right. I tried my best, but sure, I'll

Speaker 1 sit with this.

Speaker 1 So, from first to last, what was it like? What was your first day like? What was that's the general experience, but like, what are the deets? Like, spare us, no dirty deets.

Speaker 1 First day, we show up to a hotel where we're having lunch, but nobody will eat because we're all scared. Except Rich Voss.
Rich Voss ate, he had a full meal. Oh, yeah.
He ate off of all

Speaker 1 courses.

Speaker 1 Rich Voss felt nothing because he's Rich Voss. The rest of us were too nervous to finish a meal, and we just kind of waited on Chris Rock to be there and like say things out loud.

Speaker 1 And we nodded as if we understood what that meant. And then three months of watching movies that I didn't care about.
The Danish girl.

Speaker 1 Oh, I barely barely even remember that existing, let alone, I never watched it. Yeah, I watched it front to back.
What was what was up

Speaker 1 for the award? 50 jokes about the Danish girl. Wow.
How many got in? Not a one.

Speaker 1 But you know what did get in? Tracy Morgan eating Danishes

Speaker 1 because of the Danish girl. There you go.
That's how it works.

Speaker 1 A lot of times you're in these rooms and it's not about crafting the perfect joke. It's about just saying stuff and then that'll lead to something else.

Speaker 1 And, you know, like like something gets on the screen. You're like, well, I can't say I wrote that

Speaker 1 necessarily as much as I, I don't know, but that's what, that's what group writing is like is like you're just, you're paid to talk a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you quickly learn, you, I'm sure, know this, like the, not sure, most,

Speaker 1 most of what it was was us just being a punching bag for Chris's ideas. So it was like, he's going to write 90% of this.
He just needs a soundboard to like

Speaker 1 figure out if this is funny or not. What I found is every host is different.
You're there to facilitate whatever the host wants.

Speaker 1 It's not that you're there to get your stuff on, you're there to be a sounding board

Speaker 1 for whatever they want to do. Say, if it's Andy Sandberg at the Emmys, he wants to do a lot of written comedy.

Speaker 1 So great, you're there to do written comedy. If it's for Chris Rock, he wants to really focus on the monologue.
And so you're there to just talk about things and talk about issues that were going on.

Speaker 1 I remember the Black Lives Matter, not Black Lives Matter, what am I thinking?

Speaker 1 Oscar Sawite, Oscar So I have two very similar campaigns. I remember when all those celebrities got murdered at the Oscars.

Speaker 1 Chad Wick got shot. Oh, man, it was terrible.
Nobody was happy about it.

Speaker 1 But Oscar So White was going on, and suddenly, and Chris had already agreed to host before that reared its ugly head. I remember he kept stepping outside to take calls from prominent black leaders

Speaker 1 from them to like say, hey, what are you going to do about this? And him to like say, well.

Speaker 1 It was literally like Jesse Jackson was like calling to be like, hey, man, I don't think you should do the house.

Speaker 1 Or Chuck D, or I can't remember who, but it was like he was constantly taking calls from people. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's like, for him, it was such a weird dance because he wanted to just be a comedian. Right.

Speaker 1 He just wanted to go out there and not have the responsibility.

Speaker 1 Although, you know, as a comedian, you have a certain responsibility to say stuff that resonates and matters, but at the same time, the added responsibility of you have to focus so much of your comedy on this one issue.

Speaker 1 Right. It's like I wanted to make fun of Mel Gibson for being Mel Gibson, not Mel Gibson because he's a part of like a system that's created hatred.

Speaker 1 What else are you making fun of Mel Gibson for? I don't know. He looks

Speaker 1 shit now. Oh, what? Hey, suck a dick, Mel Gibson.
No, this is Langston's comedy, though.

Speaker 1 Very Mel Gibson-centric. I've been on him for a while.
Oh, man. Before all that weird stuff where he hated Jews, I'm not a fan of Lethal Weapon 4.

Speaker 1 That's, of course, the one that Chris Brock was in. So Chris wanted to make fun of his co-star.
I don't know. We're just, this is not a real thing.
Please, no vlogs pick up on this.

Speaker 1 This is a permanent thing. This is not a thing.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 then let's talk about the actual physical details of doing the show. Yeah.
Because you're in a hotel room for quite a few weeks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we spent like three weeks living in a hotel room and then writing every single day in that same hotel. And I would pop my head in for an hour or two at a time one day a week.

Speaker 1 You'd poke in, you'd say hello to everyone, you'd leave. You had a good deal.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 even the Oscars night, we were in the basement. Yeah, so the Oscars night, here's what happens.
You do get to park in good parking. The sweet parking.

Speaker 1 Although you were in the hotel room, so maybe you. I didn't park anywhere.
Yeah, you just walked across. I saw you park, and I was like, that's pretty good.
You get to park on the actual like P1,

Speaker 1 which is, I don't know if you know the

Speaker 1 higher than two. Yeah, it goes all the way down to six, maybe, but you get to park on P1 right next to the entrance.

Speaker 1 A lot of security. You're not allowed to take a photo of your badge because then someone, you know, and Instagram it, because then someone can copy it.
And then, you know, it has

Speaker 1 the security symbol on it. So you go through security to get into the very famous,

Speaker 1 what is it? The Kodak Theater? The Dolby. The Dolby now.
I think maybe it used to be the Kodak.

Speaker 1 You get in there and you're expecting a lot of times when you work on these things, like, oh man, I'm going to be like right off to the side of the stage. Glitz, the glamour.

Speaker 1 Going to be like feeding jokes, you know,

Speaker 1 in the host's ear. And you're led then downstairs through the catacombs to a very, very tiny closet-like room.
We were next to the band's equipment, like the leftover equipment that the band.

Speaker 1 But they were like, yeah, we're not going to do that. We don't need these.
Too many triangles. We'll leave these downstairs.

Speaker 1 We'll leave the Maracas downstairs.

Speaker 1 You led into a room.

Speaker 1 And it has a 12-inch TV on the wall. Very, very tiny.
You can

Speaker 1 have a good TV. And you have one red telephone in the middle of the middle of the table.
Yeah. And like an old one, like a Commissioner Gordon bat phone.
It has like the cake,

Speaker 1 the glass above it that you have to lift in order. For some reason, it's still at the rotary.
It's like, come on, that's not the fastest way we could call these people.

Speaker 1 By the way, sidebar on this, that cake thing that they used to keep on the bad phone, we were trying, or we had this thing in Bang Bang we never used, which was, I was going to get the hotline, I was going to raise the cake lid, grab the phone, and it was cake.

Speaker 1 My hand would just sink into it. But we never found a place to put that.

Speaker 1 So you're led into this tiny room, and you, by the way, the other part, you are required to wear a tuxedo. Yes.

Speaker 1 We had to wear

Speaker 1 tuxedo.

Speaker 1 I, of course, own several.

Speaker 1 Did you buy or? I bought a tuxedo. You bought a tux for me? Because I thought that this would come in more, of more use in my life.

Speaker 1 Well, I was flipping through your Instagram the other day and you were at the Emmys. Yeah, I went to the Emmys as a plus one with my girl.
She got

Speaker 1 there.

Speaker 1 She works for the TV Academy. Oh, great.
Well, she's a lawyer that they represent the TV Academy. Oh, okay, great.
So she got to go and took you with her.

Speaker 1 I saw pics on the red carpet. You're wearing your tux.
It looked good. Thanks, man.
Same tuck. So two times you've been able to wear this.
Any weddings?

Speaker 1 I did. I wore it to my manager's wedding.
Okay, great. We had a black tie wedding.
So three times. Three times.
As they said in the Fujis. Sure.

Speaker 1 And that's about it. You wrapping it up? There's never going to be a fourth.
Maybe there'll be a fourth. Okay.
Someday I hope to wear my tux again.

Speaker 1 So you're required to wear a tuxedo, but you are then led down into a basement where no one will ever see you. Never.
And they make a point of saying, don't leave this room.

Speaker 1 Don't you dare think about coming upstairs, you ignorant slut. You'll never see the light of day.
And we. How did they know you were a slut?

Speaker 1 I was giving off vibes. You know, you can tell with these.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're shaking your little butt around.

Speaker 1 I'm wearing those low-rise jeans. Sure.
Boots with the fur. Underneath my tucks.
It's weird.

Speaker 1 And then you, if you ever have an idea, which you're not really encouraged to ever have an idea,

Speaker 1 you you then ask someone to call someone on that phone you're not allowed to call on the phone we were i feel like you and i were probably three positions away from actually being able to make the phone call far in the back you're you're you're jammed in there with every other writer other than the host usually has one or two point people yes who are answering the phone on the other end right but there's just not enough room in those spaces to have you know 20 writers but even so we would have to report to somebody who would then make the phone call and then they would report to the liaison who would then communicate it to decide if they were going to communicate it.

Speaker 1 Decide if they were going to communicate it, which often became the thing where it's like you write a joke, you share it with the two head writers, they decide if they're going to share it and they're going to decide to share it in the way that they think is most appropriate to share the joke.

Speaker 1 And then it becomes a game of telephone that isn't really the joke that you probably. started with.
Possibly, although I don't remember anything we ever said on the phone ever getting said on stage.

Speaker 1 Not even a little bit.

Speaker 1 So then you spend about three, three and a half hours in a tuxedo in a hot room with a bunch of other people.

Speaker 1 Or if you're one of the lady writers, you're in a dress, obviously.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then it's over.

Speaker 1 And then you're allowed to go to one party. The governor's ball.
The governor's ball. Yeah.
And that's fun. It was pretty nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What'd you eat there? Sushi. They had a pile of sushi taller than me, and I was like,

Speaker 1 I got to eat that. A seven foot tall

Speaker 1 of sushi? You're very presumptive. It was only 5'11.

Speaker 1 It was 5'11 of sushi.

Speaker 1 And you're required to jump up to the top of the stack like Jenga.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't pick out salmon rolls from the middle. They're very strict about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I had sushi. I had some of those chocolate

Speaker 1 Oscar-shaped men. You know, they had the men, but you eat them, they're chocolate.
That was great.

Speaker 1 And you're just like shoving Oscar chocolate men men down your throat sure i love that i'm miming yeah i'm miming something that was not too polite he made it much more sexual than i planned it to be but here we are comedy bang bang

Speaker 1 much more sexual than i planned it to be that's our theme for this year um and uh then it's over and you go back to your hotel and you get on a flight home and people ask you about it and they go oh my god what jokes did you write and what do you get what do you usually say i get i get that a lot what jokes did you write i i just tell the truth i bet you wrote this one yeah of course You tell the truth always.

Speaker 1 I literally got it. So you're not under oath.
No. I mean, the cool thing would be like most of them, like, pretty much all of them.
Those are all me. This is really my presence.
You know, the model.

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 no? I, yeah, I don't know what to tell people. No, you just kind of go, like, oh, it's not really about that.
Right.

Speaker 1 You try to spin it that way. It's not really about

Speaker 1 lighting jokes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't,

Speaker 1 I never felt good about telling anybody that that was a successful effort on my end.

Speaker 1 I think it was successful on your end because you were there, as you said, you're there to get the finished product across the line, whatever that may be.

Speaker 1 Whatever small part, they hire so many people so that it's just a numbers game there. Just like whatever small thing you may have put in that gets it there.

Speaker 1 I think the weird thing with comedy is that most people don't know that concept, that this like nothing is written by one person.

Speaker 1 Like we collectively make these things and sort of run them past Aaron Sorkin. Sure.
Yeah. He's the one exception.

Speaker 1 But that's a lot due to cocaine. And walking.
He does a lot of walking. Does he really? Write those walking things.
Oh, the way he walks as he's writing in order to.

Speaker 1 I don't think he can get the cadence right. Let's see.

Speaker 1 This hallway is approximately 45 yards. I'm going to walk 45 yards while I write this scene.
You got to make sure that. And when it's over, I'm done.

Speaker 1 Let's see. I want to now segue over to the show Insecure because you're on that show.
What's your character's name? I looked it up. His name is Jared.
Jared. That's right.
Like a J-A-R-E-D situation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
I've never actually spelled it out. Really? I'm not 100% sure, but that sounds right.
It sounds about right. Yeah.
I don't know. Now, I have not seen the show.
I hear great things about it.

Speaker 1 And my wife, excuse me, I get emotional when I talk about her.

Speaker 1 My wife.

Speaker 1 No, my wife watches it, and I'll wander through the room occasionally. And I didn't know you were on it, and I wandered through the room, and you were there, and I said, oh, hey, that's Langston.

Speaker 1 And my wife, Kulop, I don't know, you've met her. Yeah.
She goes, no, it's not. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure it is.
And then she got me doubting it. And I was like, no, that's Langston.

Speaker 1 She's like, I don't think so. And I started wondering why she was saying it like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I suddenly realized that she'd been watching, you have a very sexy part on the show.
I do.

Speaker 1 And she was like, I don't think my husband knows this thirst trap.

Speaker 1 Is all I could really kind of get from that. Of like, you're not cool enough to know this great guy.

Speaker 1 For some reason, she didn't put it together that that was you because you're so like sultry and sexy and cool on that. I transform.
I'm truly a

Speaker 1 transformed actor.

Speaker 1 No, it's just me pretending to be very nice and sexy when I'm not. Well, I think it definitely worked on her because she was like, she was like, no, no, no, no.
I've met Langston.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 not Langston.

Speaker 1 This dude's selling something. And you are,

Speaker 1 that's two seasons on that show. Is that right? I did the first.
I was in the first season quite a bit, and then I made a brief appearance in the third season.

Speaker 1 I know Comedy Bang Bang has lots of crossover with Insecure as well.

Speaker 1 Listeners, and

Speaker 1 yeah, no spoilers, but third season. Third season's coming up.
No, it already came out. It already came out.
Okay. It's like sort of.

Speaker 1 Isn't that bad now that you can stream anything and watch anything whenever you you want? Now we have to protect spoilers for years.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Years.
Right. Because somebody could be like, I was going to get to that.
Yeah. Fuck you.
Right. Like, I understand

Speaker 1 bachelor spoilers up to two days, maybe.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Then it's past the point of expiration.

Speaker 1 I don't love when people go on the internet and just like announce a bunch of stuff, but if we're having a conversation, I'm not going to like pull back on this.

Speaker 1 If it's a movie that's come out in the last two weeks or maybe even a month or whatever, I'll check with someone and go, hey, what do you think about this? But if it's been three years,

Speaker 1 stop making me not finish Fight Club. I'm going to tell the ending to Fight Club at this point.

Speaker 1 Well, that's wonderful.

Speaker 1 You're a great stand-up. And where are you out there performing these days? Oh, I run a monthly show at a place called Milk Tavern where we...

Speaker 1 So it's every day for a month and then you stop for 11 months? I've heard the entire month of March.

Speaker 1 we'll be at milk tavern every wednesday why is it every month every day and wednesday uh i'm not good at this it's a monthly and wednesday show

Speaker 1 it's great uh every that's here in town in la in koreatown in koreatown they sell ice cream with alcohol in it oh they do what alcohols what ice creams they have like uh sherbert with tequila in it they have like yeah all the mixes probably i've only had that one so that was the one I was going to list up.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Are you out there traveling as well? Can Can people see you in other states? I'm going to be in Grand Rapids this weekend for a

Speaker 1 well, it might be out by then. Okay, sure.
Great. So, Grand Rapids this weekend.
We'll do plugs a little later, but people can see you. Do you have a special out as well? A Comedy Central half hour.

Speaker 1 Great, and people can see you. No spoilers.
No spoilers. What do you talk about without giving spoilers? Men and women.

Speaker 1 A lot of men and women. Oh, good.
Shopping. Shopping.
You know, the women are doing that one.

Speaker 1 It's their thing.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I, I just talk about stuff.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You're

Speaker 1 nonsense. You're a wonderful comedian.
I implore everyone to go look at that Comedy Central special.

Speaker 1 But we need to get to our next guest. Is that okay with you? You're not the guest of honor, as obviously you were.
No, I'm excited to meet your next guest. Well, we've met her before.

Speaker 1 When I say we, I mean the royal we, and when I say the royal we, I mean the royal listeners of Comedy Bang Bang.

Speaker 1 We've all met her before. Approximately, I'd say 10 months ago,

Speaker 1 she was on the show, and she is a inventor/slash small businesswoman. Please welcome back to the show, Andre P.
Newer.

Speaker 3 It's a pleasure.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for returning.

Speaker 3 Well, thank you for having me back. I got some more

Speaker 3 ideas.

Speaker 1 Last time you were on the show, you had a lot of business ideas.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 It's in my name, baby.

Speaker 1 It's in my name. Did we ever crack whether you've changed your name because you have so many ideas and you're an entrepreneur or you were named that? for you.

Speaker 3 What would I change my name to?

Speaker 1 Well, from something else to Andre Pinur. I'm not suggesting you change your name from Andre Pinur to small business woman.

Speaker 3 Scott, do me a solid and call me by my name.

Speaker 1 I will definitely give you that Timothy Chalamay treatment here.

Speaker 3 Big fan of his.

Speaker 1 The opposite. I'm sorry.
The opposite of Timothy Chalamet.

Speaker 3 Big fan of his. 360.

Speaker 1 But you're a big fan of his.

Speaker 3 If it's the opposite, wouldn't it be 180?

Speaker 1 It would be a 180, but I'm going to come right back.

Speaker 3 Back around, okay.

Speaker 1 That was my friend started the Management 360 management group, and I always would joke that your career will end exactly where you came in.

Speaker 3 They have some successful actors over there.

Speaker 1 They do. They do.
Not me anymore.

Speaker 3 Oh, did you leave?

Speaker 1 They were too successful.

Speaker 1 They dropped me. They did not drop me, but they

Speaker 1 were around when they started having the Renee Zellwigers and Reese Witherspoons of the world, and they started Game of Thrones and all that. I realized that I was not fitting in with their client.

Speaker 3 I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Just stop answering the calls.

Speaker 1 I love them over there.

Speaker 3 I understand. You're not a thick white woman with blonde hair is what you're trying to say.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I don't know necessarily if they're thick. I mean, what do you think?

Speaker 3 I think Renee is thick.

Speaker 1 My friend Wilhelmina,

Speaker 1 she described thick as having big boobs, tiny waist, big butt.

Speaker 3 Oh, that bitch, Wilhelmina. I know that bitch.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know what? She's right. She's right.
But you know, thick comes in different varieties.

Speaker 3 You could be slim, thick.

Speaker 1 Slim thick.

Speaker 3 Slim thick. I think Renee might be slim thick.

Speaker 1 Okay, what is slim thick to you?

Speaker 3 Slim thick is a big butt, small waist, big titties, but

Speaker 1 no, she went in the opposite order. So you got the order mixed up.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 She went down. You went down.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Thank you, understand.

Speaker 3 But on a small frame. Does that make sense? That makes sense.

Speaker 1 So normal thick is on a big frame?

Speaker 3 Yes. Or medium frame.

Speaker 1 A medium frame. Okay.

Speaker 3 Because a big frame would be thick thick.

Speaker 1 Okay. So

Speaker 1 now, what if someone has a small frame and big boobies, as they say,

Speaker 1 and small waist, but then no butt?

Speaker 3 That is unfortunate.

Speaker 3 That's what we would describe. You know what? Nobody's shaming, Scott.

Speaker 1 This is a trap. I'm not shaming you.
You said it was unfortunate.

Speaker 3 This is a trap. This is a trap.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Look, Andre, you

Speaker 3 delete that.

Speaker 1 This is not going to help your business. No, okay.
Andre, last time you were on the show, the ninth anniversary show, as I recall, you pitched a lot of businesses to us. I remember one of them was a

Speaker 1 like a rectangular

Speaker 1 motorized propulsion vehicle.

Speaker 3 Sure, several,

Speaker 3 two to even seven people could ride in one of them.

Speaker 1 Right, and there would be the oldest invention in the world, the wheel. Yes.
That the caveman banged out with his bone. Right.

Speaker 1 There would be approximately four of those on

Speaker 3 the underbelly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and

Speaker 1 undercarriage, yeah. Under carriage, underbelly.
On the taint of the car.

Speaker 3 On the gooch meat of the car.

Speaker 1 And then we all realized you were just pitching car. And in fact, you called it a car just now.
So you know what a car is.

Speaker 1 Never heard of it. Never heard of it.

Speaker 1 Never heard of it.

Speaker 1 Never heard of it.

Speaker 3 I don't have a name for it just yet. I've heard, I've talked to you.

Speaker 1 You've called it a car.

Speaker 3 I don't have a name for it just yet, but when I was describing it to some colleagues, they had used the word cause. So I thought, that's not a bad name.

Speaker 1 It's short and sweet to the point.

Speaker 3 That's not a bad name.

Speaker 1 I would say most of those three-letter words are already taken.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, find any combination of three words, it usually means something already. It's true.
Hat, box,

Speaker 1 bat. Bat.
I mean, all these words. Can.

Speaker 1 They're all great words, and they're things that we use all the time. They're all taken.

Speaker 3 And they're all taken. They're all taken.

Speaker 1 So if you're out there trying to come up with a new invention, it's like, what do you got? Right, right.

Speaker 3 Well, I do want to talk to you about something I have also come up with because I'm interested in investors. So, Langston, if you are interested in investing, I am an investor.

Speaker 1 Langston is so rich that he doesn't even know if he joined the WGI.

Speaker 1 It's meaningless to me. Yes.
Those dudes, who cares? Write a check, forget about it immediately. Disgusting.
Listen, I

Speaker 3 this is this now. This, hear me out on this one.

Speaker 1 I'm Liza, we're all here. We're all very excited.

Speaker 3 With a cubicle,

Speaker 3 a cubicle type building.

Speaker 1 So a cube meaning equal on all sides, all eight sides? Or is it six sides? I guess it would be six sides.

Speaker 3 Six sides. A cubicle.
Six sides. Six sides.

Speaker 1 Three times.

Speaker 3 Yes, that's the Fuji said.

Speaker 3 Three times.

Speaker 3 A cubicle type building where if you're not feeling well, you can go. There will be people there who can assist you in regaining health, determine what it is that's wrong with you,

Speaker 3 and then and then give you the proper kind of treatment that you would need to be healthy again.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm gonna stop you really briefly.

Speaker 3 Now, hear me out. Oh, I'm not gonna stop you.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 3 Just go on and stop me. White man splayed me.

Speaker 1 I'm not white man splaining at all. I'm merely.

Speaker 3 I know the fans love when I talk about race.

Speaker 1 I'm just

Speaker 1 explaining. I can't.

Speaker 3 Okay, yeah, just two people talking.

Speaker 1 Let me person explain to you that everything you've described, other than the cubical nature of the building,

Speaker 1 which most buildings are not purely cubical,

Speaker 1 sometimes they're more what you would call a three-dimensional rectangle.

Speaker 1 But it sounds to me as if you're describing

Speaker 1 a hospital.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was thinking that. I don't, what is it, what is that?

Speaker 1 I haven't heard it. It's a building, normally not cubical.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I've just seen a rhombus. Okay.

Speaker 1 Could be a rhombus. It's a rhombus.

Speaker 3 How that look?

Speaker 1 Thank you for asking.

Speaker 1 It's sort of like what you were describing, but at an angle. Okay.
A little tilted. But more, I think the more important part is that it's almost identical to what you described

Speaker 1 of a space where people go to get health care. Right.
Okay. Yeah, the shape of the building normally doesn't matter, although I would say the bottom usually has to be flat.
Flat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it usually has to be.

Speaker 3 The thing I want to do certainly has a flat bottom. I would say it has a flat bottom.
And that's not thick.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. It's not thick.
It's unfortunate.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 It's unfortunate.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the bottom of what I'm doing is unfortunate.

Speaker 1 Most buildings, they have a bottom side, too. So you're not falling to the center of the earth.

Speaker 3 And the building is going to have a slim waist.

Speaker 1 Big titties. Big titties up to the street.
Big titties up to not move.

Speaker 3 It's going to be a thick building. Don't understand.
It's going to have to contain a lot of people. Okay.
Because people are falling ill left and right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they are. Yeah.
How can I do that? Tell me if I'm wrong.

Speaker 3 Tell me again. Try to tell me I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 Long with that. You have found a market.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 Definitely. But it is a market that is primarily going to these places called hospitals.

Speaker 3 I've never heard of that.

Speaker 1 You've never been to one.

Speaker 3 How can I be to something I haven't heard of?

Speaker 1 Have you ever been sick before? Sure. And what happened? What do you do? What's your process uh well first

Speaker 3 i i look myself in the mirror

Speaker 1 you look yourself in the mirror is the first step

Speaker 3 you have a good laugh because laughter is the best medicine good answer you understand that's what i've been doing and that's what they've been saying for ages and i think what if medicine was the best medicine that's what i'm trying to say but what i do when i fall ill is i look myself in the mirror and i say is this really happening why me and then you you're you think that this may be like a simulation or something where it's not really happening and it's like the matrix where suddenly someone's going to red-pill you.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'd love to red pill you before we. Sure.

Speaker 3 What does it mean to red pill someone?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's taken on some poor connotations lately.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, because I actually didn't know.

Speaker 1 I was just yes and my way through.

Speaker 3 Comedy bang bang more sexual than we expected.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? And we're going to red pill you by the end of the show. Is that what happened? You can look it up after the show, but okay, never heard of that.
Never heard of it. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Never heard of that. Don't let someone do it to you.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Do you think it's like the Matrix where you're, where, you know, you have a different body somewhere else and it's not really happening?

Speaker 3 I've never seen the matrix. Oh, really? I've never seen it.
But

Speaker 3 I do wonder when I fall ill and I start to feel weak in the knees, I say to myself, is this real?

Speaker 1 Is it real? Is it real? And how do you determine if it is or not?

Speaker 3 Well, then I touch the mirror and I say, okay, we're here.

Speaker 1 We're here. We're dealing with this.
You're touching something in your physical proximity to, it might be a dream. It might be a dream.

Speaker 3 Right, right. So maybe, if the matrix is a dream, maybe I thought I was in it, but I haven't seen it to say one way or the other.

Speaker 1 The matrix isn't really, I wouldn't call it a dream, Langston, right? No,

Speaker 1 it's more of a

Speaker 1 mental, digital stimulation. Although when you say digital stimulation, that also has some connotations.

Speaker 1 This show is very. I'm feeling sexy today.

Speaker 1 I'm horny.

Speaker 1 Well, speaking of, it's 10 in the morning. I'm horny.

Speaker 3 Speaking of horny, speaking of horn.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 I have another invention.

Speaker 3 If y'all don't want to invest in the cube-like treatment center.

Speaker 1 Why is the cube part of it so integral to?

Speaker 3 Well, I'm learning new shapes now. You told me rectangle.
You told me a rumbus.

Speaker 1 Arombus.

Speaker 3 Okay, understood.

Speaker 1 Roomba is something that would clean up your hospital.

Speaker 3 Okay. Oh, okay.
Well, I.

Speaker 1 She doesn't recognize a name.

Speaker 3 I don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 You don't know what a Roomba is? What's your new invention?

Speaker 3 My new invention is for horned people.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Horned men.

Speaker 3 It's like a balloon.

Speaker 1 You've cut your market in half immediately. You said horny people and then horny men.

Speaker 3 Well, because it's particular. Okay.

Speaker 3 It's like a balloon. Okay.
You would put atop your

Speaker 3 little man

Speaker 3 to protect you from diseases so you don't have to go to the cube. So I'm also also kind of undercutting my own business.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like if you really wanted, and I think, by the way, what you're mentioning is a condom.

Speaker 3 What is that?

Speaker 1 That is a latex, or if you're allergic to latex, perhaps a

Speaker 1 lambskin protective covering for your little man

Speaker 1 or big man, depending on how horny you are, and who you are, how thick you are. You know how it grows and changes shape depending on how you are.
Changes shape,

Speaker 1 into a rhombus sometimes.

Speaker 3 A change of shape.

Speaker 1 Okay, Okay, so and it protects your

Speaker 1 man and also protects

Speaker 1 the recipient of your lovemaking from any secretions that may come out of the

Speaker 1 what I call the cyclops hole at the very, very tippy tip.

Speaker 3 You call the pussy a cyclops.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Oh, you mean the head, the penis head.

Speaker 1 The penis head has a little odd.

Speaker 1 Oh, the cyclops.

Speaker 3 I see. I've never seen a penis.

Speaker 1 You've never seen one?

Speaker 3 Never seen one. I've heard of them.

Speaker 3 these I've heard of.

Speaker 1 You already planned an invention despite not having seen it.

Speaker 3 I've heard of them, though. I have male friends.

Speaker 1 I've heard of them. And you're an older woman, and you've had relationships with women in your whole life or no, I've had relationships with men.
Oh, but you just have never gone downtown.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I don't go downtown and they don't visit me there. Would you say

Speaker 1 which base? Which base have you gone visited? Home base. Home base.
And what do you consider to be home base in a relationship with a man? A phone call.

Speaker 1 Where they call you or you call them? A phone call.

Speaker 1 They call me. They call you? Okay, so you calling them is what, third base?

Speaker 3 As a lady, yes.

Speaker 3 As a lady, that's really putting myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's for them calling you back.

Speaker 3 If they call me back, that is a home run.

Speaker 1 That's a home run. That's what we call a home run where I'm from.
Okay, so you don't know a lot about sex. What gave you an interest in the topic?

Speaker 3 In the topic of sex. Well, because I'm hearing a lot of people are having it.
I've heard a lot of people.

Speaker 1 That's a lot of people's favorite thing to do.

Speaker 3 Which is strange to me. There's so many other activities you could find yourself involved with.

Speaker 1 What do you do? Like, what do you do on a day-to-day basis? You get up, you touch the mirror. And what does entree penur do after that?

Speaker 3 Only if I feel ill.

Speaker 1 If you don't feel ill, you never touch the mirror.

Speaker 3 I would never touch a mirror if I don't feel ill.

Speaker 1 That's all those fingy prints on it.

Speaker 3 Exactly. But speaking of fingy prints, I have another.
Oh.

Speaker 3 Are y'all going to invest? Are you just going to let me tell you my ideas and then steal them?

Speaker 1 That's probably going to be a pass on the first two for me because they exist already. I'm here for it.
I'm here.

Speaker 1 I don't quite hear the product that I'm ready to invest in.

Speaker 3 What are you looking for?

Speaker 1 I'm excited to hear this fingerprint thing that you all have them. We all have about 10 of them.
Yes.

Speaker 1 This feels hot.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 you touch a mirror,

Speaker 3 you touch things, your fingerprints are on them. I have come up with a liquid

Speaker 3 blue Blue in nature could be clear. I haven't decided that part just yet.

Speaker 3 Where you can put the liquid upon the surface where your fingerprints have left a mark and wipe. You understand?

Speaker 1 And you wipe the fingerprints off. Off.
Okay, at first I thought you were talking about luminol, which would make the fingerprints light up in black light. But now I think you're talking about Windex.

Speaker 3 I don't, I've never heard. You're telling me things I haven't heard of.
You understand?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Luminol and Windex. What if they combine both of those into one product?

Speaker 1 Now there's something where if like you have just committed a crime, and I know I'm walking your side of the street now, coming up with inventions.

Speaker 3 Crime site?

Speaker 1 No, I mean inventions are.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying you're a criminal, no. Okay.
But you've just committed a crime. You've murdered someone in their hotel room.
And then you're like, I don't know if I left any fingerprints.

Speaker 1 Where did I put my hands? You spray the room with this Luminol Windex contraption. It lights up the fingerprints and you can wipe them off because the Windex.

Speaker 3 There it is. this this sounds idiotic this sounds it's something that doesn't exist i don't usually cuss but this sounds freaking stupid

Speaker 1 this is is that a home base of cussing for this is freaking stupid

Speaker 1 excuse me i i'll be honest i actually i'm very into what scott's saying well then why don't y'all go what if i'll give you all i need is about five million dollars for ten percent investment ah that's i'm not allowed to go on shock tank you're not allowed they banned me

Speaker 3 I'm banned from shock tank because you went on already or because you have been trying to get on I've been trying to get on and they're telling me oh we

Speaker 3 we got we cause cars hospitals they're saying these words you're saying the words no and they're saying them to me and I'm like I don't know what that is I'm coming to you as an entrepreneur

Speaker 3 in fact my name with ideas yeah and now y'all want to tell me they already exist and you know why they want to tell me they already exist they want to tell me that because they want to take my ideas and claim they already exist that's not what's happening here but why would mr wonderful treat you that way yeah that's i just think that what you said luminol windex combination is freaking stupid what would the combo name be luminex luminex i like that oh so is this about y'all now

Speaker 1 i think i have a investor on the hook here i'm ready to reel it in about this option i'm sorry i'm sorry if we use condoms

Speaker 1 You know where the semen is. What are those?

Speaker 1 What are those? Well, the balloons you mentioned are the balloons for the little man. Yeah, if you go in there to murder someone and you put on a condom, nothing's leaking out the front end.

Speaker 3 Even if you don't plan on committing any sexual crime.

Speaker 1 No, just in case.

Speaker 1 You might be horny. You might be in there horny.
You never know what state you're going to get in after you kill someone.

Speaker 1 It might be so euphoric that suddenly you're sitting there with an erection that just pops off.

Speaker 3 Look, I'm going to, I want to, look, no, no.

Speaker 3 I don't like that you took something I brought to you.

Speaker 1 I brought the liquidity. I beg your pardon, but this, it's a lot like writing for the Oscars.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, you said something which led us to a better idea, and that's what we did with, yeah, it's a group thing here.

Speaker 1 Okay. And no matter, you know, I mean, I can't say that you're going to get paid exactly the same as

Speaker 1 me or Langston here on this, but that's, that's what happens in life. Now,

Speaker 3 okay, well, well, here's the thing. I have another idea.

Speaker 1 Oh, you do. Okay, one more, and then we have to go to break, and then we have a special surprise.
Okay, okay. You have one more idea.
Okay, yes.

Speaker 3 So, we all watch movies. I do know those, seen those, heard of those.

Speaker 1 Sure, because I think, didn't we mention one?

Speaker 3 I wasn't listening because when people talk, usually, and I'm not involved in the conversation, I plug my ears.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've been wondering what you're doing there with your fingers.

Speaker 3 Because I don't want anyone to think about it.

Speaker 1 I thought you were trying to leave fingerprints inside your ear holes.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, they won't stick. They won't stick there because I clean out my ears with another invention now to mention on another day.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm sure it's like a stick with a little bit of cotton on the ends. Anyway, go ahead.

Speaker 3 Have you been in my lab?

Speaker 1 You have a lab?

Speaker 3 You've been in my lab.

Speaker 3 Oh, Lord. Okay, so my next invention

Speaker 3 is something for entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know what a movie is. This is not going to be something.

Speaker 3 No, that would be ridiculous. People have been moving.

Speaker 1 It's freaking ridiculous. And I hate to curse you.

Speaker 3 People have been making movies since the 90s.

Speaker 1 Since the train coming. Well, way before maybe the 1890s.

Speaker 3 Oh, I don't know, Scott. You need to check your history books.

Speaker 1 I'm not really in a lot of history books, I gotta admit. They sort of gloss over that.

Speaker 3 The 90s, I'd say, 19.

Speaker 1 But ever since that train coming right at the audience, which made them all scream and go, ah, so there's a train loose in the theater.

Speaker 1 They all ran out.

Speaker 3 I don't know this story.

Speaker 1 It's one of the earliest movies. Really? That just scared everyone.

Speaker 1 And I hate to curse as well, but Spitless.

Speaker 3 I don't like when you use that word. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 That's the third base of cursing.

Speaker 3 I don't like when you use that word. I'm going to just tell you that much.
But I know, look, I know I have only one chance to say this, this last idea.

Speaker 1 You know, we all know movies. It's not that.
It's not, of course, not. We all know.
You know movies. I know movies.

Speaker 3 Okay. So there's so many of them.
Several coming out every year.

Speaker 1 Seems like every day there's some new movie. Of course.

Speaker 3 And they got streaming services. They got.
See,

Speaker 1 I know those.

Speaker 3 I know those. I'm not a freaking idiot.

Speaker 1 Okay. Calm down.
You are very savvy. Yeah, you're salty today as well.

Speaker 3 I am salty. I am salty.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 3 I want to have a thing where people can gather

Speaker 3 to kind of critique movies, maybe offer some type of recognition for movies, convene in a cubicle type space, dress

Speaker 3 to the nines. To the nine.

Speaker 1 Are we talking tuxedos?

Speaker 3 Tuxedos should.

Speaker 1 You know what those are? Good. Gowns.

Speaker 1 Gowns.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 3 And then somebody present them with recognition for the films.

Speaker 1 What would the award look like?

Speaker 1 Would it be thick?

Speaker 3 It would be, I would say

Speaker 3 it would be

Speaker 3 thin-bottomed. Thin-bottomed.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately.

Speaker 1 Unfortunate.

Speaker 3 Unfortunately. Unfortunate.
Small-framed.

Speaker 1 Small-framed.

Speaker 1 But tiny waist.

Speaker 3 Tiny waist. And we would call it Oscar so white.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 you were not plugging your ears during the first part of the show because.

Speaker 3 I'll be honest, any true inventor has to keep their ear to the street.

Speaker 1 Then why are you plugging them so often?

Speaker 3 Because I don't want to, because I want to hear just enough to inspire me, you understand? Right.

Speaker 1 So you listened to the entire conversation that we had, and you just repeated back everything that we said. Yeah, because that was 2016.

Speaker 3 I've never heard of that.

Speaker 1 2016?

Speaker 1 You've heard of the 90s and now. And now.

Speaker 3 Only things that matter.

Speaker 1 All right. Look, we need to take a break.
But when we come back, this is very exciting. You brought a relative of yours.

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 1 With you. We mentioned him in the last show.
My brother. Your brother.
When we come back, your brother is here, and he's going to tell us all about whatever he has going on. Yeah.
This is exciting.

Speaker 1 He's busy. He's very busy.
All right. We're going to take a quick break.
When we come back, we'll have more Langston Kerman, more Entre P. Newer, and her brother will be here.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Speaker 1 Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here. Langston Kerman, a stand-up comedian extraordinaire.
Yes. He's still pumping his fists.
He's so excited to be here. I love this.
This is great.

Speaker 1 We also have Entre Pinur, who is back. By the way, that's spelled Entre P.
P-E-E-E, I think, right?

Speaker 1 You don't remember?

Speaker 3 How often am I putting my middle name on forms?

Speaker 1 I mean, you're a lot like Langston's character over here, Gerard or whatever it was. Jared, but who knows? Who knows?

Speaker 3 When you signed in for the audition or you read in your sides to rehearse for the scene, or does it just say person?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's what I'm curious.

Speaker 1 You know what it is. You know a lot about acting.

Speaker 1 You know, sides?

Speaker 3 I know enough about.

Speaker 3 On my way in here, I heard some actors talking.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. What are they talking about? I I want this part.
They were talking about

Speaker 3 audition, same days, self-tapes.

Speaker 1 I'm offer only, that's right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, offer only. That's what after you left 360, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's I was like, offer only.

Speaker 1 And they're like, guess what? You're fired. We're done with you.

Speaker 3 You're not a thick white woman. That's what they say.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the show. And this is very exciting.
We mentioned him the last time you were on the show that you had a brother. Right.
And

Speaker 1 we don't know what he does or what

Speaker 1 his life is like, but I'm here to interview him. But you brought him, we asked you to bring him here.

Speaker 3 Okay, and it took, I had to get in touch with him. I had to.

Speaker 1 That's usually the first step in trying to relay any kind of information with anyone. Are you guys as strange?

Speaker 3 No, we are not as strange. Successful people don't have time for each other.

Speaker 3 I think that we all know that, right?

Speaker 1 That's the excuse that I get.

Speaker 1 All my friends.

Speaker 3 I'm successful.

Speaker 1 You're successful. I'm successful.

Speaker 1 Let's just end it here. here.

Speaker 3 Enough said. So it took some work to get in touch with him.
He has several assistants.

Speaker 3 He has several assistants coming up with a lot of,

Speaker 3 I don't want to paint him into a corner now.

Speaker 1 Sure, you don't want to tell us too much about his life.

Speaker 3 I've been there before, painted into a corner.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 That's right, but the last time you were on.

Speaker 3 Excuse me, not me, Entripino. I know a friend that was painted into a corner.

Speaker 1 Which friend was that?

Speaker 3 Dialect coach, Darlington Castle.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. That was a very unusual episode.

Speaker 3 Painted deep into a corner.

Speaker 3 Couldn't make sense of the show.

Speaker 1 I was like, yes, and here's what

Speaker 1 you are.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 how about this? So I won't paint him into a corner, but he has several assistants, a lot of business ideas. We're not estranged, but again, successful people don't particularly have.

Speaker 1 Sure. So you may not even know what he's been up to recently.

Speaker 3 I don't, but I know whatever it is, it's going to be good.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, he's here to tell us everything about himself. We mentioned him on the last time you were on the show, and we begged you to bring him here.
And he's here today.

Speaker 1 Please welcome to the show, Appetizer P. Newer.

Speaker 1 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 It is not good.

Speaker 1 Things are not okay. Things are not okay.
They are not okay. Wait a minute.
I thought she's successful. You're successful.
You thought that.

Speaker 1 But you thought wrong. He has so many assistants.

Speaker 3 And when he says thought wrong, he means T-H-O-T.

Speaker 1 You thought wrong. Scotty O over there? Scotty Thotty.
Scotty O.

Speaker 1 Scotty Thotty.

Speaker 1 You mind if I call you that?

Speaker 1 Scotty, what? Foddy? Scotty Fatty.

Speaker 1 Sure, I am. Do you mind if I say that to you, Scotty? It makes you comfortable.
Sure. Go.
Have a ball. Things are not good, Scotty.
Things are not good. Oh, Lord.
Oh, you see. Appetizer Pinure.

Speaker 1 Appetizer P. Noah.
Yes, that's right.

Speaker 1 My mother, Manur. Oh, how I love Manure.

Speaker 1 Manure.

Speaker 1 Manure.

Speaker 1 What field was she in? Manua.

Speaker 1 What field was Manure in? Gardening. Gardening.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Was she sick?

Speaker 1 And Andre ain't came to see her. Oh, you guys are estranged.
We are.

Speaker 3 No, I wouldn't say that. I'm busy.

Speaker 3 We're not estranged. I'm busy.

Speaker 1 Estrange. She didn't even know that Manua was sick.

Speaker 1 Manua's sick. Throwing up all over the place.
And let me tell you, it's... It smells bad.
Oh, you did know. I heard.
You've heard about it.

Speaker 3 But on our way here, he told me some.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. I've been taking care of my new one.
Oh.

Speaker 1 And I had to move back home.

Speaker 1 I had to quit all my jobs.

Speaker 3 I didn't mention to you that my brother, Appetizer here,

Speaker 3 before he found his true calling in life, he attempted to be a pastor.

Speaker 1 Oh, you did. Okay.
So that's what

Speaker 1 you have a certain cadence. It's a Martin Luther King sort of vibe.

Speaker 1 I attempted to be a pastor, but I couldn't do it because I started worshiping the devil. Oh, well, that would get in the way.

Speaker 1 How did you end up with the devil? It seems that people at Baptist churches don't like talking about the devil.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I tried to convert them. So you were actively trying to convert Christians into Satanism.
That's right, Scotty, Daddy.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 I tried, I tried, and I tried. What was it about the devil for you that you liked so much? Boy, have you ever seen the devil in a pair of dungarees?

Speaker 1 Low-rise jeans. Old Navy boot cut, low-rise jeans.

Speaker 1 So you guys are not estranged?

Speaker 3 I would not say we're estranged. I would not say.

Speaker 1 And you don't like that. I would not say.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you're referring to.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking of someone else.

Speaker 3 I would not say that we're estranged. And I have seen the devil in a pair of boot cut jeans.
The devil is thick.

Speaker 1 Oh, Navy Low Rise boot cut jeans. So the devil is thick.
He's got big bud,

Speaker 1 little tiny waist, big titties.

Speaker 1 He's got that horned tail as well.

Speaker 1 That only adds to it, I think. He's got that triangle we were talking about at the end of his tail.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He plays it. It plays a sweet sound, Scotty thought it.
Yeah. What do you mean by that? Triangle on his tail.

Speaker 1 Ring-a-ding-ding, ring-a-ding-ding. A lot of of people thought when the devil went down to Georgia, he wouldn't be playing the fiddle like an electric guitar.
He'd be playing his triangle on his tail.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 But it didn't sound as good on the record.

Speaker 1 The original demo.

Speaker 3 How is mama doing?

Speaker 1 Manua is not doing well. And you haven't come to check on her.
You haven't come to see her. And you left me there.
What does she have? What does Manua have? Yes. Don't stop.

Speaker 1 Repeat the question and stop.

Speaker 1 My Nua has her whole bad disease. She has the jaundice.
Oh.

Speaker 1 She's turning a yellowish color. She has the itis.
Oh.

Speaker 3 What did she eat? Something you made?

Speaker 1 Yes, I cooked for her one time and I gave her the itis.

Speaker 1 I didn't know itis was that bad of a disease. Oh, it is.
Oh. It is Langston.
You know, I had a friend named Langston once. You did? He was that.
Hughes. Who? Hughes.
No, not Langston Hughes.

Speaker 1 Langston, Hart and the Brig.

Speaker 1 He worshiped the devil with me.

Speaker 1 So you guys were like two peas in a pod. Two peas in a devil's pod.
We called it a devil's triangle.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah, I think I heard about that recently. The devil's triangle.

Speaker 3 It's the Illuminati.

Speaker 1 No, that's not. I think it's a drinking game.
Yeah, it's a different thing.

Speaker 3 Oh, never heard of drinking.

Speaker 1 So you quit all of your jobs to take care of your mother. What were your jobs? I had dreams too, Scotty Fatty.
I had dreams. I wanted to live up to the family name as Andre did.
Right, the newer name.

Speaker 1 The newer.

Speaker 1 I wanted to live up to the newer name. You see, I had some inventions myself.
You did. You were an inventor.
Imagine this, Scotty Fatty.

Speaker 1 Imagine this. You walk into a restaurant.
And you want to wet your whistle. Sure.
So you get a glass of water. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You want to eat something.
Right. But you're not ready for

Speaker 1 your main course yet.

Speaker 1 You're not ready to make the commitment and do like a big plate. No.
Okay. You want like a salad? Sure.

Speaker 1 Jalapeno Papas. Please don't start describing small plates to me because that's the worst thing about dining in LA: every single restaurant wants to explain the concept of small plates to you.

Speaker 1 I wish I had amnesia sometimes. It's called tapas.
That's not tapas or small plates. He's not doing that.
I ain't never been to Spain's guy.

Speaker 1 So you know where they come from.

Speaker 1 Tapas?

Speaker 1 That's not what I'm talking about. Okay, what are you talking about? I call these bottomers.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Bottomers.

Speaker 1 I'm getting my wallet out. This is exciting.
Get your wallet out.

Speaker 3 Bottomers. Bottomers.

Speaker 1 So these are like big

Speaker 3 mistaken for gay men who bottom.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 You know, I am a Satanist man.

Speaker 1 You don't like it. So I believe in that full heart.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 So So are these big bottomers?

Speaker 1 These are big bottomers.

Speaker 1 I like big bottomers. I cannot doubt you this.
Please don't lie to me.

Speaker 1 I do not want to doubt the veracity of what you're telling me.

Speaker 1 But I can't talk about this stuff no more because all it does is make me sad because all I got to do is sit at home and take care of manure.

Speaker 3 Appetizer.

Speaker 3 Tell them about the inventions. Maybe these men have money.

Speaker 1 Can I ask

Speaker 1 What is the biggest difference between a top us and a bottom us? I'm going to tell you right now, Langston. I had a friend named Langston once.
Yeah, we've well-trodden territory. Langston, a tapas.

Speaker 1 When you're eating tapas, you're in Barcelona.

Speaker 1 You're in Barcelona. Sure.

Speaker 1 You got to say it correctly. Sure, sure.

Speaker 1 Please get to the point. It seems like you're stalling.

Speaker 1 Tiny little tacos.

Speaker 3 That's what he's been spending time with my

Speaker 3 Manua. Manua don't talk much.

Speaker 3 Kind of. Oh, borderline inanimate.
This

Speaker 3 mother.

Speaker 1 Don't talk about our mother like that. I mean, she's like a wax figure 90%.

Speaker 3 Smells like shit.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 that's the furthest you've gone with curse words. Yeah, that's like you.
That's like you went all the way around to home base and then decided to go over to first.

Speaker 3 That is not a curse word. It had one syllable.
It's not a curse word.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you would say something so cruel and

Speaker 1 crowd to our mother like that. Cruel and crowd?

Speaker 1 Crowd.

Speaker 3 C-R-C-R-O-W.

Speaker 1 C-R-O-U-D. Look it up.

Speaker 1 Crud. It's in a book that I invented.
It has a bunch of words in it, and I give you the definition of it. It just has all the words that you know.
Yes. How many words are in this thing? 200.

Speaker 1 Okay. So crud is pronounced crowd.
Crowd. And it means crude.
Yes. Okay.
Got it. Okay.
So this is a very useful book.

Speaker 1 Get it. You can download it on Amazon.

Speaker 1 You can download it on Yahoo Books.

Speaker 1 And you can also go to oldnav.com and get your fan old Navy Low Rise.

Speaker 1 And is this book similar to a dictionary? What'd you say?

Speaker 1 I had a friend that likes this one.

Speaker 1 You did mention that.

Speaker 1 Is it similar to a dictionary? Yeah, what's it called? App.

Speaker 3 App. Have you heard of that?

Speaker 1 I have never heard of it. Dictionary, you call it.
Sounds like something I don't like. Spell it.

Speaker 1 Spell it. Okay, now you're challenging me in a way that I don't care for.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can spell.

Speaker 1 D-I-C-C. Stop right there.
Okay.

Speaker 1 D-I-C.

Speaker 1 Let's break that word down. It's not a word, just merely the first syllable, but go ahead.
D.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 Damn. I.
C.

Speaker 1 Coming. Damn I coming?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And why did you do that? And

Speaker 1 what were we breaking that down for?

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 Don't cry. Don't

Speaker 1 do this. There's the most emotions going on right now.
Don't crowd him. Don't crowd him.

Speaker 1 Don't be crowded to me.

Speaker 1 Don't be CRUD.

Speaker 1 C-R-O-U-D. He's coming.
Scotty, Fatty. Damn, I'm coming.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're obviously very emotional. You have a towel.
I think you need to cut a towel.

Speaker 1 I I have many towels here.

Speaker 3 When you cry, you want a towel?

Speaker 1 Because, damn, I'm coming back.

Speaker 1 He needed a towel.

Speaker 1 Okay. God,

Speaker 1 look,

Speaker 1 you're obviously very emotional about this whole situation. Your mother is ill.
It is very hard on me. You've quit all your jobs.

Speaker 1 I want to hear about more of your old jobs, but we need to take another break. Okay.
So when we come back, I want to talk to you about all of your old jobs.

Speaker 1 You've had several, from what I understand. I've had several jobs.
I tell you about all of them. Tell about all of them.

Speaker 1 We're going to be right back with more Langston Kerman, more entree pieuer, and more appetizer pieuer after this.

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Speaker 1 Howdy bang bang. We're back with Langston Kerman, a stand-up comedian and on the HBO show Insecure and a writer in the WGA.

Speaker 1 We also have Andre Pinor, who is an inventor.

Speaker 1 How much money have you ever made from any of your inventions?

Speaker 3 Over $50.

Speaker 1 Wow. What are we talking? $51, $52, $53? Stop me.
Prices right south. $54, $55, $56, $57, $58, $59, 60.

Speaker 3 It was $60.

Speaker 1 $60.

Speaker 3 So I could have just said $60, right?

Speaker 1 You could. I mean, you could have.

Speaker 3 I could have, but I said over $50.

Speaker 1 You played it coy. I like that.

Speaker 3 Because I want to be modest.

Speaker 3 That's all that is.

Speaker 1 We also have, speaking of modest, we have someone who comes from modest means.

Speaker 1 It doesn't seem to be making any money currently. He's quit all of his jobs.

Speaker 1 Appetizer pinures.

Speaker 1 Inventions have never been my thing. Right.
They've always been entrees, yeah. Although you have mentioned several you've thought of, but I thought of them, but I didn't put them into action, right?

Speaker 1 Because I, you know, I let her stay in her lane. Would you? Would you say you allow her to stay in her lane? How nice of you.
Would you say you lack initiative? Is that the issue? Initiative?

Speaker 1 Let's break that word.

Speaker 1 All right. What do we got? Shut it out for me, Lexington.
You had a friend named Langston once.

Speaker 1 It's I-N.

Speaker 1 He didn't say stop. I.

Speaker 1 T. Stop right there.
Okay, I-N-I-T.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 Let's break that down. Sure.
I.

Speaker 1 I'm.

Speaker 1 T.

Speaker 1 You forgot the answer. I just skipped a few.

Speaker 1 I'm starting backwards and going in and out like a heart. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 I. In.

Speaker 1 In.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 I. I.
I. I.
I. N.

Speaker 1 Never. I never.
I. I.

Speaker 1 in

Speaker 1 T

Speaker 1 thought

Speaker 1 I never in thought

Speaker 1 I don't think of my mother

Speaker 1 I never in thought I never in thought okay so you're you're you're you you live by impulse because I ain't I have to live by impulse because at any moment my mother could die of the itis right and yet you're here

Speaker 1 because who's taking care of her right now right now one of her right now the one assistant who is still an intern after 23 years oh what are your old jobs what did you do for a living oh Scott, I told you I was a pastor.

Speaker 1 You were a pastor, and then you got kicked out of the church for encouraging Satanism.

Speaker 1 And then what have you, what's the time span between that and now? Okay, that was 1968. 1968, okay, so we're talking 50 years,

Speaker 1 51 years at this point. I took the place of a former pastor who unfortunately had to leave the church.
What happened to the pastor? He was shot. He was shot.

Speaker 1 Oh, could he use some of that Luminol Windex? Luminex. Luminex.

Speaker 3 You're not making that because unless I agree to give you my

Speaker 1 yeah, I think

Speaker 1 Luminex already exists as well, I think. Not the actual product, but I think there is something called Luminex.
I'm going to look it up.

Speaker 3 Are you Googling?

Speaker 1 I'm Googling Luminax. Oh, you know what Google is?

Speaker 3 Who doesn't know Google?

Speaker 1 Do your Google, Scotty Fatty.

Speaker 1 Do your Googles.

Speaker 1 No, wait, wait, the pastor, you were playing. Uh-huh.
Did he, did you, who shot this pastor now that we don't know who shot you

Speaker 3 that we don't know Tupac and a biggie

Speaker 1 you like music I well you know it soothes the savage breast oh it's savage breasts yeah the you know big titties small waist savage breasts

Speaker 1 okay now um so you so between 1968 which predated the summer of love

Speaker 1 uh woodstock of course uh 1969 summer of 69 woodstock's new york and I was there. You were there at Woodstock.
Did you see Sean Arnau? I did see Sean Anaf. Then I saw everybody else that performed.

Speaker 1 So everyone. Jefferson Airplane.
Sure.

Speaker 1 Sean Ana.

Speaker 1 Yeah. From Jefferson Airplane to Sean Arnold.
Everyone at Woodstock. Jimi Hendrix.
Sure. He said his.

Speaker 1 I'm testing you. He said his.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? He said. What did he say? What did he set on fire? Oh, he said his guitar on fire.
Oh, okay, good. You were there.
It checks out.

Speaker 1 there he was there who else performed uh orleans orleans who sang they debuted a new song called dance with me it became a hit and i told him it was going to be a hit didn't orleans sing you're still the one they did make me smile they did sing you're still the one um did they sing it at woodstock they didn't sing that one they hadn't written that one yet okay when you were at wood stock is is that where you found satan that's that is it and i came back and i said church church

Speaker 3 i got something to show you at this point, he was just in the house with me and my mother. Right.

Speaker 1 And I lifted up my pastor's robe and revealed my old Navy low-rise boot cut jeans. Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then, okay, it's a very confusing tale, but what jobs have you had in between them? I'm getting to that.

Speaker 1 I'm getting to that.

Speaker 3 Long-winded like a pastor.

Speaker 1 And jumping around timelines. Long-winded like a pastor.
Since

Speaker 1 1971, that's when they kicked me out of the church after 1969 to 1971. I preached satanism and they gave me a chance okay

Speaker 1 they heard you out i would heard me out after one time as the food said they would probably say hey you gotta get a big fuji's fan i take it well i like that one song one song no okay

Speaker 1 1971

Speaker 1 i got a job at a local upstart called taco bell oh okay i yeah this was a newish yeah

Speaker 1 it's only been around for about five years at the time okay and uh

Speaker 1 little run for the border. Little run for the border, live miles.
Well, fifth meal?

Speaker 1 Midnight snack is what you call it. Late night.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I got a job there in 1971 and 1974.

Speaker 1 And then I got kicked out because I started preaching the word of Satan. At Chico Bell.

Speaker 1 I started saying, what if we had things like chalupas and nacho cheese gorditas

Speaker 1 and rattlesnake fries?

Speaker 1 That's Satanism?

Speaker 1 Satan always eats his French fries covered in rattlesnakes.

Speaker 1 And they said that'll never work. Now look at where we are 47 years later.
They had chalupas, nacho cheese, gorditas, cheese, gorditas, and rattlesnake fries.

Speaker 1 I don't know what a rattlesnake fry is, I guess. I haven't read it.
It's a nacho fries covered in a chipotle sauce

Speaker 1 and jalavinho. Sort of a Texas-Mexico combination? Almost, but I gave them that idea years ago.

Speaker 1 But in the service of Satan. In the service of Satan, 1974 to 1980.
So you were off work between. No, no, 71 to 74, you were a Taco Bell.
74 through 80, where are you?

Speaker 1 I was the backup guitarist for the Eagles. You were a backup guitarist.
Because they have like three who were there in the Eagles themselves. I believe Don Henley.
No, he was a drummer.

Speaker 1 He was a drummer. But you have Joe Walsh as one of the guitarists.
You have Glenn Fry, and then Timothy B. Schmidt, isn't it? Timothy B.
Schmidt. He played the bass.
He was the bass. He came after me.

Speaker 1 He came from the band Pogo.

Speaker 1 So you were there then, the third guitarist, the fourth guitarist? I was the fourth lead guitarist.

Speaker 1 And what are some of the licks that you would play?

Speaker 1 That's in what? Hotel, California? All right. You want to know what lick I got on? Yeah, what? In an album?

Speaker 1 If you listen to the song, Life in the Fast Lane. Sure.

Speaker 1 It goes. Bandaline, Lina, Lina, Lina, La La, On Al.
Bandolina, leanal, leanal, lean.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't play on that one. None of those.
Okay. The song called One of These Nights.

Speaker 1 Okay, one of these, one of these nights. In the beginning, it goes, Bond Doo Dean, clink, boat and dootie.
Clink. Okay.
That was me. That was you.
Wow, I love that.

Speaker 1 Me and Joe Walsh playing in sweet harmony. Wow.
And what happened with the Eagles? Well, see, I started to preach Satanism to them.

Speaker 1 I would think that, you know, with Hotel California being a metaphor for hell. Yeah, they were into it the whole time.
They loved it. And then in 1980, they were like, it's the 80s now.

Speaker 1 We can't be doing this no more.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, it really sounds like Satan was the downfall to a lot of young people.

Speaker 1 I don't understand why.

Speaker 1 Only thing Satan has ever done is keep me in old Navy low-rise boot cut jeans.

Speaker 3 That sounds bad.

Speaker 1 Even that, it doesn't sound like a great pair of jeans. I'll be honest.
Oh, no. Watch me stand up.
Look here, Langston. My God.

Speaker 1 This is called my tramp stamp. Oh,

Speaker 1 right Right above my thought slot. Look at that.
What is that? What kind of picture is that? That there

Speaker 1 is former president Rutherford B. Hayes.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Okay.
Why that? Because I went to Rutherford B. Hayes High School.
Oh, okay. That makes sense.
So you want any time that you're like,

Speaker 1 well, I guess I don't know what you're into, but.

Speaker 1 Being made love to, I think, is. Sure, yeah.
If you're being made love to from behind in that manner, then people are staring at a picture of Rutherford.

Speaker 3 A bottomer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're a bottomer.

Speaker 3 My brother being a bottomer.

Speaker 1 So your brother's a bottomer and you're sort of asexual.

Speaker 3 Sure.

Speaker 1 Asexual. I talk on the phone.
Yeah, she talks on the phone. She's

Speaker 1 going home. You're getting called.
You're calling. I talk on the phone.
Yeah. So interesting life that you guys have together.

Speaker 1 From 1980. Sure.
Through 1993. Okay, wow, we're getting them all.
I didn't work. Didn't work? Didn't work at all.
How did you

Speaker 1 it? How did you get money? How did I get money at that time? Sure.

Speaker 1 Every question doesn't need to be repeated.

Speaker 3 He's stalling.

Speaker 1 I just want to make sure. He's stalling.

Speaker 1 I understand.

Speaker 3 This is his downfall. This is his.

Speaker 3 You know what? We have been estranged.

Speaker 1 I'm a very old man. And you do like it.
I'm a very old man. I can't hear as clear.
And I won't rest. So you're repeating it back exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to make sure you said what you said, Scotty thought it. Plot twist, you are estranged.
Yeah, because you like it.

Speaker 3 That's a good song.

Speaker 1 From 1980 to 1993, I must admit I was living off of my sister's fortunes.

Speaker 3 And I asked him, I said, your calling is in your name. Your calling is in your name.

Speaker 1 Appetizer Pinure.

Speaker 3 What do you think his calling is?

Speaker 1 Working in the restaurant industry or something.

Speaker 3 And he refused.

Speaker 1 I refused. You refuse.
Do you think that kind of work is below you or something? Beneath me. Beneath you.
Beneath my old Navy low-rise boot cut jeans. You don't want to do it.

Speaker 3 But above your thought slot.

Speaker 1 Above my thought slot. In between.

Speaker 1 Where is it in relation to Rutherford B. Hayes? Beneath Rutherford Bay.
Beneath Hayes.

Speaker 1 Above the thought slot. Above the thought slot.
Okay, so that's a very narrow window that we're working in. It doesn't seem like it's a lot of space at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you just couldn't fit it back then. Couldn't fit it.
And then 1993.

Speaker 1 in 1993,

Speaker 1 which I believe was uh pre-OJ pre-OJ

Speaker 1 I, along with O.J. Simpson, directed MC Hammer's Bumps and a Bump video.

Speaker 1 So, this is how we're contextualizing it for you listeners out there.

Speaker 1 MC Hammer, by the way, also maybe have the Adams family groove around it.

Speaker 1 Around that time, I didn't direct that one. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 And did you meet OJ through Satanism? Is that no? No, okay. I met OJ at a former NFL player's luncheon.

Speaker 1 I was there. What were you doing there? I was taking food out of the trash can behind the plates.

Speaker 3 Embarrassing for me because I was trying to pitch these people businesses.

Speaker 1 You were trying to pitch business.

Speaker 3 And then there is my brother taking food out of the trash can.

Speaker 1 I had to eat. Yeah, were you only taking like jalapeno poppers and chicken strips? Absolutely.
Yeah. That's what they serve at one of those things.
And OJ came outside to do a quick bump of cocaine.

Speaker 1 Oh, quick. And he said, hey, what are you doing over there? And I said, I'm just trying to get my Edone player.

Speaker 1 And he understood and he was like, hey, how about a job? Yep. We should hang out and direct a music video together.
Yes. Wow.
So you directed that, why? We directed MC Hammer's Pumps in a Bump.

Speaker 1 Pumps in a Bump. So that must have then given you enough money to live for a little while, at least.
About 30 days. 30 days? Yes, I blew it all at the casino with OJ

Speaker 1 in Las Vegas where he was there selling all of his memorabilia to a group of men. So he had been on that train for pre the murders.
He played a long game in that one. Wow.

Speaker 1 And see, when we got back, this is a year later. When we got back, he said, I have to stop at my house real quick.
He said, wait, you were in the Bronco?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Not in the Bronco that night. I had ridden in the Bronco before.
That night I was following him in my own car. You were in your own car.

Speaker 1 He stopped off. He said, I got to stop.
You should follow me

Speaker 1 and wait outside in order for me to go inside and do something. The thing is, I had too much pride to ride in the car with him.
I told him I brought my own car.

Speaker 1 It was a nice, tiny, yellow and red, play school telecar.

Speaker 3 And that's what I'm telling you. I had invented something different.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you had invented a car.

Speaker 3 What kind of car did he just describe?

Speaker 1 You're still calling it a car. It's a car.

Speaker 3 Because I'm trying to speak to y'all in a way you did.

Speaker 1 We know what a car is.

Speaker 3 You're stupid. What did you describe, appetizer?

Speaker 1 1984. No, no, no, no.
No, we're going backwards.

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm telling you what car I'm describing.

Speaker 1 1984, yellow and red, play school, push car.

Speaker 3 See, so when I said I came up with my invention,

Speaker 3 this is what we had been driving around in.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. So you had been in something akin to it.

Speaker 3 Akin, but I had put an engine and

Speaker 1 you were like, hey, let's improve on this. Right.
Right. Something akin to it.
Legs akimbo. So now you.

Speaker 3 Legs akimbo.

Speaker 1 You saw OJ go into, did he come back out after the errand? He came back out with a bag and he said, all right, I got to get to the airport. Okay.
And I said, okay, you want me to drive you there?

Speaker 1 He was like, no, I can't fit in your car. And I was like, oh, OJ.

Speaker 1 And then he

Speaker 1 mentioned what was in the bag. Did he say?

Speaker 1 No. It was his traveling.
You tell people what he told me. I knew he had to travel.
Yeah, when you go on a a boat. You tell people what's in your bag.
You know what? You're right.

Speaker 1 I'm being unreasonable. Please finish the story.
You know, I had a friend named Langston once. Yeah, we know.
He's also unreasonable. So then from 1992 or three.
This is 1994. Okay, 94, right?

Speaker 1 So you're sending me back.

Speaker 1 Sorry. 94 to now.
94 to 2001. Okay.

Speaker 1 Seven-year stretch. Yes.
I drove.

Speaker 1 I basically became a taxi service. Okay.
But you not an official taxi? Not an official taxi. Okay.

Speaker 1 See, that night I did follow OJ to the airport, and somebody just jumped in my play school car and said, quick, downtown. And I said, well, hey, excuse me.
He said, I'll give you $100.

Speaker 1 And how quick did you get there? It took us about three days.

Speaker 1 So you were going downtown. You were going to the pussy of Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so you just thought that was your calling for a little while? For a little while. I just took people back and forth.
Okay, so then... From the pussy of Los Angeles, which is downtown

Speaker 1 to the

Speaker 1 cities

Speaker 1 and the valley. Yeah, and then that tiny, tiny waste, which is the Sunset Strip.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And then 2001, 9-11-ish happens. And then what do you do until now? On 9-12.
Okay. I woke up.
Made some changes. Made some changes.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I said, you know what? Let me just go over here and cook my mom some dinner. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because she's reeling from 9-11, right? Right, yeah. And a lot of us were.
Yes. And I made her some dinner, and lo and behold, that dinner was the one that gave her the itis.
Oh,

Speaker 3 she's had the itis all these years.

Speaker 1 Wow, she's had it for now 18 years, and it's because of you. I mean, is this why you're estranged?

Speaker 3 There are a few things, and this is one for sure, for certain.

Speaker 1 Yes, wow, yeah, um, that's uh

Speaker 1 a terrible, terrible, terrible situation. I mean, you are the one who did this.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And it's all because

Speaker 3 what he didn't do was follow his calling.

Speaker 3 He should have been making food. He should have been.

Speaker 1 He wanted to be a pastor. He should have been a chef.

Speaker 3 He wanted to be a pastor. He wanted to be a

Speaker 3 Satanist.

Speaker 1 I mean, Satan has gotten in your way

Speaker 1 for now 50 years. Satan is why I'm here talking to y'all today.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why are you here talking? You're repping Satan for some reason.
Repping Satan to the day I DI.

Speaker 1 You don't even know how to spell DI.

Speaker 1 That's one of those three-letter words that's taken. Hey, you should break that one down.
D-I? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Gotcha.

Speaker 1 I mean, we already did part of dictionary. D.
Damn.

Speaker 1 Damn. I.
I. I.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Coming. See ya.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, look, guys.
I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I feel bad for you that you're in this situation, but it it is your own fault. And, you know, Andre Pinur over here is, she's, she's a very, I mean, I wouldn't say successful.
How successful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're successful in the terms of you're happy. Passionate.
Passionate, exactly.

Speaker 3 I said I'm successful.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, we were trying to say you were successful. That's

Speaker 1 we were trying to agree.

Speaker 3 Call me by my name, Timothy Chalamet.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, so you're a successful woman and you're not so successful, but you're, you know, you're still working on it, Scotty Fatty. I'm still working on it.
All right. Well, good for you guys.

Speaker 1 Do you plan on making up? I mean, maybe it'll take the death of your mother for you guys to reunite. I just got a text.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Who's texting you? Let's break uh-oh down.

Speaker 1 Okay. You.

Speaker 1 You. You.
Okay. H.

Speaker 1 Ho.

Speaker 1 Uh-ho.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 H.

Speaker 1 Here.

Speaker 1 You-ho.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh, here.

Speaker 1 You-ho-oh, here.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's not bad.

Speaker 1 That's like thought. That's a thought.
Yeah, that hoe over there.

Speaker 3 That hoe over you hoe over here.

Speaker 1 You hoe over here. It's a thought or an oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, depending on the proximity to the hoe. Sure.

Speaker 1 Okay, so wait, but what is the text? Mom, dad.

Speaker 1 Mom, mom, dad. Who texted you? Did she text you? Your assistant?

Speaker 1 Oh, your mom's dead. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 3 That just makes me think of something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your mom just died. What happened? You don't have any feelings about your mother's death?

Speaker 3 I haven't seen her in over 20 years. She has had the itis for 18.

Speaker 3 She hasn't spoken in 18 years.

Speaker 1 What happened to the two before that?

Speaker 3 The two before that, I was out making things happen.

Speaker 1 Right, right. Okay.
So you're very busy.

Speaker 3 I'm busy. I'm successful.
I don't have time.

Speaker 1 So you don't care that your mom just died, but it gave you an idea.

Speaker 3 I don't know if I care. I need time to process.

Speaker 1 Sure, sure. You're in the middle of DABDA.
You're denial.

Speaker 3 Yes,

Speaker 3 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross would say, uh-huh, this is her thing.

Speaker 3 So I'm in denial right now.

Speaker 1 Right, you're in denial right now, but it gave you an idea.

Speaker 3 It gave me an idea.

Speaker 1 And sometimes necessity is the mother of invention. Exactly.

Speaker 3 I don't have a mother now. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 But necessity.

Speaker 3 That was insensitive. I feel like that was a damn

Speaker 1 insensitivity. I feel like that was a dig.

Speaker 1 No, not a digital.

Speaker 3 Brother, will you break down dig?

Speaker 1 Dick, let's break it down. Break it down, D.
Break it down. D.
Damn. Damn.
I. I.
I. Aye.
All right. What's G, though? Gummin'.
Gummin'. Damn I gummin'.

Speaker 3 And that's when you suck a dick.

Speaker 1 Okay. With no teeth in your mouth.

Speaker 1 Come on. With no teeth in your mouth.
Come on.

Speaker 1 This is more sexual than we planned on it being. No.

Speaker 3 Look, I don't cuss. I haven't said anything wrong.

Speaker 1 You said shit once. You got very offended when I said spit.
And then you talked about gumming a dick.

Speaker 1 Just now you talked about gumming a dumb. You don't even know what a dick is, practically.
You said.

Speaker 3 You absurd what it is. Yeah.
And I imagine it would be nice to have gums.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Gums.
That's gums tend to laugh. I mean, yeah, that's the dream

Speaker 1 for us men.

Speaker 1 What is your idea? Okay.

Speaker 3 We're going to have to get rid of my mother's body, right?

Speaker 1 The authorities will probably do it.

Speaker 3 We're going to have to get rid of my mother's body.

Speaker 1 This is an Illuminix situation.

Speaker 3 Okay, no. So what if there's a...

Speaker 3 rectangular 3D rectangular

Speaker 3 kind of contraption.

Speaker 1 You're talking about a coffin.

Speaker 1 You're talking about a coffin.

Speaker 3 Describe that to me.

Speaker 1 It's a rectangular contraption that you put a dead body in and lower it into the ground.

Speaker 3 Never heard of it. I know you haven't.

Speaker 3 Never heard of it, but if you would hear me out, and if you don't want to invest, maybe this man here...

Speaker 1 Who? What man? Sorry. Hello.
Hey. Hey.

Speaker 1 Charles. Hi there.
Yeah, it's me, Charles. Hey, Charles.
Yeah. Scott, we haven't heard from you in a long time.
Yeah, Scott, sorry, I haven't been lost in the building.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the fencing instructor, Charles. I'm a very patriotic fencing instructor, a very devout Christian.

Speaker 3 Charles, whoa, you got a Satanist here.

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard of Satan?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've heard of him.

Speaker 1 He's not a great guy, from what I understand. Boy, do I have something to tell you, Charles?

Speaker 1 How do you like old Navy?

Speaker 1 Old Navy, low-rise, boot gut, jeans.

Speaker 1 How do you like those, Charles? Low rise and boot gut?

Speaker 1 Old Navy, low-rise. Sexy combination.
Bootcut jeans. You want it real heavy at the bottom.
That's right. Oh, a big Michael Jordan fan.
One of the way to get it. I love big jeans.

Speaker 3 Okay. Charles, do you have money?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I do pretty good.

Speaker 3 Okay, I have an invention I'd like to run past you if you would like to invest in my invention.

Speaker 1 Is it a throat widener?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Charles. Charles has a narrow, narrow esophagus.
It's a really narrow esophagus. I gotta push the words out.

Speaker 1 No, it's not meant a throat widener. It is a man with knee.
How much would you pay for a throat widener? Oh, I mean, like

Speaker 1 $100.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's more than you've ever made.

Speaker 3 Made, huh? Well, I don't really like to take people's ideas. That's his idea.

Speaker 1 He wants one.

Speaker 3 I don't want to take people's ideas because that would make me a fraud.

Speaker 1 That's fair.

Speaker 3 That would make me a fraud.

Speaker 1 You're very, you got a lot of principles. Thank you.

Speaker 3 A rectangular, 3D rectangular contraption that opens its own hinges.

Speaker 1 Ooh, like a coffin?

Speaker 3 I don't know what that is, but hear me out.

Speaker 3 You would put a dead body in it after the body has been covered in embalming fluid.

Speaker 1 You know embalming fluid, but you don't know what a coffee is?

Speaker 3 Heard of it. Heard of it.
And they're rubbing it on the body. I've been to a lot of funerals.

Speaker 1 You do a lot. Yes.

Speaker 3 Those bodies are just getting put

Speaker 3 straight in the ground. Just bare.

Speaker 1 They're just like dumping them in there? They're bare. Just embalm them and then just dump them and put them in hole.

Speaker 1 Why do they bother embalming them if they're just going to toss them off into a big hole?

Speaker 3 I don't. I'm not a funeral director, Scott.
And you're trying to back up.

Speaker 1 I got you there. I was a funeral director for a while.

Speaker 1 Wait, was this from 2000 and

Speaker 1 it was right after I cooked my mom food? Yeah, I gave her the iodis in 2001. I said, Mom, I gotta get to a funeral to direct it.

Speaker 1 I directed it like a music video. Yeah,

Speaker 3 we thought he was gonna be a choir director. We did think that at one point, and instead he decided to be a choir chirper.

Speaker 1 So, you were just like doing choreography during the. I walked into the funeral and I said, Action.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's more. That's a funeral director does so much more than that.
I was a funeral producer for a while.

Speaker 1 Did they make money? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you gotta make, you gotta spend spend money to make money.

Speaker 1 All right, look, we're running out of time.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, we only have one last feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs.

Speaker 1 We only have time for one last feature. Little something we call.
Little something that we call plugs.

Speaker 1 Ooh, listen to that. That was pretty nice.

Speaker 3 I know it ain't my business, but that was good.

Speaker 1 That was really good. I almost wish that that had an appetizer pinure style lick at the beginning of that.
What was the lick that you did, appetizer? Oh, appetizer? Appetizer. Appetizer.

Speaker 1 Hey, appetizer. Appetizer.
He's loves to be literally appetizer. I wonder what he's thinking about.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry. I was reading a text from my sister.
She says, manure is leaking.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, you have another sister soaking wet. Who's your sister? She's leaking.
She's soaking wet. She's leaking.
She's soaking wet. She's leaving like a salt.
She's soaking. She's soaking wet.

Speaker 1 I've told her to shake her like a salt shaker. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Very sorry. All right, look, we got a plug.
Langston, what do you got to plug? You got some dates coming up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 Grand Rapids, Michigan. I don't know where the shows are, but I'll be there

Speaker 1 this weekend. Where do people find information?

Speaker 1 I think that'll be passed. Sure, at Langston Kerman on Twitter and Twitter and Instagram.
That's where people find info about the shows they do.

Speaker 1 You're out there all the time. Oh, there.

Speaker 1 Andre.

Speaker 1 Entree.

Speaker 3 I don't have some dates coming up. I'm very single, so slide into my DMs.

Speaker 1 Meaning call you. Yes.
Well, no, they got to work on it. Yeah, okay.
So wait, it's first base is sliding into the DMs. Yes.
What's second base?

Speaker 1 We established third base is you calling them and home plate is them calling you.

Speaker 3 Okay, so

Speaker 1 what's in between sliding in the DMs?

Speaker 3 Run that by me one more time.

Speaker 1 Okay, sliding in the DMs is first. Okay.
Okay, you calling them is third. Okay.
Them calling you is home. Okay.
So what's second?

Speaker 3 Second is

Speaker 3 a picture of genitalia.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Sending you dick pics. Yes.
But you've never seen one.

Speaker 3 Because Instagram will blur it out if you don't know the person.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you don't click on anything.

Speaker 3 I don't click.

Speaker 1 But you don't click, but you've achieved second base.

Speaker 3 I've achieved second base. I have received a dick pick.

Speaker 1 All right. Anything you want to plug?

Speaker 1 You should follow a girl.

Speaker 3 A girl. Her name is Eggo

Speaker 3 on Instagram

Speaker 3 at Eggy Boom.

Speaker 1 Eggy Boom. Yes.
Any underscores in that?

Speaker 1 No underscore.

Speaker 3 We've all heard about the underscore. Let us never forget.
On Twitter, there is an underscore between Twitter.

Speaker 1 We've heard about the underscore. Yeah, the taint of Instagram.

Speaker 3 The taint of Instagram.

Speaker 3 But on Twitter, it is

Speaker 1 even worse than having to add the real to your name or official or numbers

Speaker 3 or numbers. That is ugly.
Stop with the numbers and you use a name if you're not a child. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, but Eggie Boom, follow this woman.

Speaker 3 Okay, but on Twitter, it's Eggie underscore boom.

Speaker 3 Esther Wilson, who doesn't use Twitter, has Eggie Boom without the underscore. Esther, give it up.
I will not pay you for the handle. It ain't that deep.

Speaker 1 Why doesn't this woman just use her own name instead of Eggie Boom?

Speaker 3 I don't. I want to ask her what the significance of Eggie Boom is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, boy, someday we'll get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 3 But one day.

Speaker 1 Someday we'll go downtown on this. Yes.

Speaker 3 Also, come to our Austin Sketch Fest. That girl, Aga, will be headlining with her One Woman Show.
Scott, are you going to come check out her One Woman show?

Speaker 1 Watch the call

Speaker 3 with black women and then

Speaker 3 it's happening in Austin, Texas. It's Austin Sketch Fest in May.

Speaker 1 I don't have any plans to go to Austin, unfortunately. And even if it were just right down the street from me, I can't even say that I would come.

Speaker 3 This is a disappointing dad.

Speaker 3 This man is a disappointing father.

Speaker 1 All right, appetizer, what do you want to plug? I would like to plug the church

Speaker 1 of Satan, Christ, and Latter-day Taints. Okay, great.

Speaker 3 You're going to get a lot of messages from the Mormons.

Speaker 1 Who are they? Okay.

Speaker 1 I want to plug, we're trying to get more Farts and Procreation vinyl records out there. They sold out within a couple hours.

Speaker 1 We're going to get a few more out there in a different color vinyl from what I understand. And I'll let you know when those are on sale.
And Classic Jarles, anything to plug?

Speaker 1 Man, I'm excited about that vinyl album. I finally got my clothes and play out of Hawk.

Speaker 1 Your what out of Hawk? My clothes and play. My Hasbro clothes and play.
Clothes and play, okay. Yeah.
Clothes and play. I had to trade my trumpet for it.
Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 I can't use the trumpet anyway because of my small esophagus.

Speaker 1 What if you shoved it down your esophagus? It might widen it out.

Speaker 1 Down there.

Speaker 1 This is more sexual than we thought.

Speaker 3 I don't mean to overstep, Joe's, but I'm dying to ask you. Did you say your esophagus is thick?

Speaker 1 You know what we mean by that. Big butt.

Speaker 1 Big butt, tiny waist, big boots.

Speaker 1 Two C's. Oh, yeah, I guess you could describe it that way.
Let's break that down. Okay, come on.
Okay. T.
T. The.
The. H.
H. Ho.
The. The Ho.
E is. Is.

Speaker 1 C.

Speaker 1 Coming, coming. Coming, coming.
Okay, good. But she's really coming.
Speaking of coming, she's really coming. Speaking of coming, the closing up, the plug bag theme is coming.
Let's close it up.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 1 Close your eyes and open up that bag.

Speaker 1 Close your eyes and open up that bag.

Speaker 1 You gotta get those eyes closed.

Speaker 1 Open up.

Speaker 1 Don't be closing. Don't be closing.
Open them up and let's get loaded.

Speaker 1 Let's get loaded.

Speaker 1 Open up the mail.

Speaker 1 Open up the battery.

Speaker 1 I can't not say this.

Speaker 3 That was like the sicko mode of the plug song. Several different tunes in ones.

Speaker 3 Are you familiar with sicko mode?

Speaker 1 Travis, yes. Yes.
My good boy.

Speaker 1 My good boy.

Speaker 1 Good boy, Travis.

Speaker 1 Guys, I want to thank you so much, Langston. It's always great to see you.
What a pleasure. Let's not make it another year.
Yeah, I know we're both successful, but we got to see each other more.

Speaker 1 Andre Pinur,

Speaker 1 so great to have you. Do you have any other siblings? I'd love for you to come back with some other people.

Speaker 3 Pleasure is mine. I'll think about whether I want to announce their names on the podcast.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would assume that dessert Pinoer might be.

Speaker 3 Dessert Pinur.

Speaker 3 We got Sports Pinoer. Sports P.

Speaker 1 Neur. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now Manur is gone and stinking up the place.

Speaker 3 Panur died years ago.

Speaker 1 Panur, yes.

Speaker 1 And appetizer Pinoer. So good to meet you.

Speaker 1 You're still checking those texts. A lot of stuff coming in.
It's a busy day.

Speaker 1 I understand. And Jarles, always great to see you.
At Classic Jarles on Twitter.

Speaker 1 Really? Yep. Okay.
I haven't seen that. Been there a while.

Speaker 1 Don't really tweet much. Well, you're lost in the building.
It's true. All All right, we'll see you next time.
Thanks. Bye.

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So, Clorox toilet wand is all I need to clean a toilet?

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