Drama Alarm

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destractable.

This episode, Marbled Mark walks on the wild side by finally declaring total war.

Windblown strawberry wade quests for naughty nibbles, crucifies Cooper, trashes Taka, junks Joe, and beats a blonde.

Beat a battler Bob, bitches about his bath, suffers sniffles, kicks Kimber, smacks Smartless, punches PSA, and blasts Bartlett.

From controversies to an armchair asshole.

Yeah!

It's time for

drama alarm.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy this wonderful show.

Alright, hold on to your butts.

It's about to get eerotic.

I don't know if I care for that very much.

I don't really want to say knees and toes after you said that.

Erotic, knees and toes, knees and toes.

Welcome to Distractible, where we give you the very worst of your childhood memories brought back and regurgitated towards you.

I am your host, Mark Blyer, here to bring you the most controversial episode of Destractable we've ever made.

These two gentlemen here are gonna go through every controversy that anyone on YouTube or podcast has ever been through, and they're going to relive it here and now.

No small talk.

We're going right into it.

All right, Wade,

go,

Slur!

Did I do it?

That was most of it.

That was a lot of it all at once, yeah.

Great, Bob.

Misogyny.

Oh, that's not as bad as

it is.

Oh, let's do a tier list of controversies.

Quick, let's rank these hierarchically.

Is this how you're announcing your new YouTube series, Who Canceled Markiplier?

Man, that was.

Oh, man, that should be this episode.

Can Can you imagine doing a tier list of all the cancellations?

S tier.

That's got to be an S tier cancel.

That's an S tier cancellation right there.

Oh, man.

The bridge incident S tier brought down an entire industry.

It'd be kind of crazy if we announced people that hadn't been canceled yet and it led to their cancellation.

Ooh, predictions.

Who's getting canceled?

That's the sequel.

That's the sequel.

We'll save that.

Oh, man.

All right.

Well, what could be if we were only a bit bolder, but you know, we're not.

We're only a bit older.

And these gentlemen are a bit older than the last episode, which means that life must have happened in the interim.

It must have.

Did it?

Yes.

Tell.

Tell.

Tell.

Tell and tell.

Tell yard work, dudes.

I don't like it.

I don't care for it.

But that's.

You ever have to clean a hot tub in accidentally the hottest day that it's been in a long time.

No.

This is a very first world problem because it's my hot tub and I'm cleaning it.

But man, did I almost give my health myself heat stroke and pass out.

I thought that was going to be an interesting story.

I'm realizing it's really not.

That's pretty much it.

Well, I'm curious.

How often do you have to clean them?

The advice ranges anywhere from every few months to like once a year.

We don't use ours like all.

I think if you used it like all day, every day, you'd have to clean it pretty regularly.

We use ours more like every once in a while.

I don't know what Mark's doing.

I'm going to keep going.

Sorry, I was like, my light was way, it was way too white.

And so I was like, what's going on?

So I turned it down like two notches and I came back.

Like, I just went down here and I came back.

Whoa.

Super orange.

All right, that is a little orange.

I did watch a video that's talking about how light is actually the color temperature is logarithmic.

So like the color values change a lot more at lower end.

So anyway, it don't matter.

Sorry.

What?

Point.

I'm going to give you a point.

I mean, it was great.

Probably two points of value there.

Most interesting point.

Oh, also, I'm sick.

So that's fun.

I'm going to try and mute my sniffles or lean away from the mic, Taison Day style, but I am sick.

So sorry, everybody, if I sound sick.

I got a couple things, I guess.

One, I drove around a bunch in my car knowing things exist yesterday, and I burnt myself because apparently the sun still gets you with no top or windows.

If your car existed, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be sunburned because of how things existing works.

The sun still gets you when you're standing in the middle of a field with no cloud cover.

Somehow.

I thought the wheels underneath me would protect me.

It turns out the sun's on the other side.

You thought you could outrun the sun.

I get it.

I lived the adult dream last night.

Whenever you're a kid and you dream of being an adult and you're like, mom, I want a snack.

And mom's like, no, it's bedtime.

You can do that when you're an adult.

I wanted an Entman's chocolate donut last night out of nowhere.

I had this craving and I was like, ooh, man, it's like 11 o'clock.

I can't, I couldn't, I shouldn't.

But some milk and a donut.

What if I just went to the store and got it right now?

And I did.

I got myself a snack at 11 o'clock at the store.

Drove 20 minutes just because.

How far do you live from the store?

A lot of stores, it turns out, close now at 10 and 11 o'clock.

Oh, okay.

But I got myself that donut and that glass of milk, and it was beautiful.

Well, I suppose that is you getting out, which is a first.

So I will give you that.

I was out all day.

Look at me.

You honestly don't look sunburned or anything.

So

it doesn't come across.

You look slightly...

How do you know that doesn't happen normally?

Because I have this head normally.

Yeah, but do you do this normally?

Nobody does that normally.

Sometimes.

If I do it like right here, does it do it?

Yeah, see?

No, not really.

It doesn't.

You said Yes E, but it didn't do it.

No, no, but no, but it does here where I'm bald.

Yeah, but your head's different.

There's head meat up there.

Head meat?

Head skin, head meat?

It's trying to hold back your follicles really hard, so it's straining like,

grow, grow.

No, no, it's trying to hold it back.

Oh, shrink.

That's the only reason you're bald is because

your scalp is fighting against you.

I was outside a lot this weekend.

I tossed football to my nephew for like two or three hours on Saturday.

Didn't get sunburnt because sunscreen exists, and I thought to use it then because I know it's going out in the sun.

I thought my car, my topless car, would protect me.

You told your body genetically?

Did you speak Gattaca at it?

Internally, yeah.

Damn.

Sorry, I was just like floored by that statement.

We have one other piece of small talk, Bob.

Oh, okay.

I don't know if you wanted or if I should have it.

We spent time together.

Oh, we did spend time together.

That's right.

Apparently, that wasn't news to Bob Boo.

Oh, I just didn't think that was small talk.

What do you mean?

It was a great time for me.

My exciting hot tub story pales in comparison to, oh, we played the Battlefield beta.

Oh, was it good?

I've seen so many people playing it.

Oh, it was really good, actually.

It was really good, actually.

I've, I,

I remember Battlefield 4, was it?

This one people are comparing it to a lot.

Levolution?

Yeah, when they first started doing the, the whole buildings exploding, and it reminded me of that, just the chaos of it.

Oh, that still happens, and it's very unsettling whatever it does.

Do you get the crazy bugs with the heads like exploding upwards and like drifting this way?

I remember those bugs.

Occasionally, your entire body, for no reason, you'll get shot, and you'll just launch in the air.

That does happen.

Hey, I'm not opposed to that.

There was a sequence where there's one of the levels that was available.

There was basically a big mountain in the middle, and you could kind of jankily climb up it, but it was real.

And there was a sequence one time where I was off in the distance, and the mountain was back there.

And I saw one guy get sniped off the mountain and just go like woo-like into space.

I saw another guy get sniped off the mountain and fall down like gravity had just 10x.

And just like you could see the whole way he like died and went down and just went

like into the earth.

And then after all that happened, I just see a tank fly in the distance behind the mountain in this huge.

And I was like, oh my God, it's Battlefield.

It's back.

They really did it.

I saw a clip of a tank getting blown up and the whole top part with the gun turret went poof up, but then it like spun and cut into a building like a razor blade.

It was awesome.

I think there are some definite like gripes and the most of the bugs were you'd have to re-queue because you'd get kicked out of a lobby and it would break or whatever.

But like when it worked, God, it was pretty good.

It was very classic Battlefield in all the best ways.

As a beta, I think people could understand that, but yeah, no, it's very beta-y.

Running around with the medic paddles instead of a gun.

Wow.

Suicide revives.

There was a sequence that went on way too long where Wade and I were both medics huddled in a corner with a tank

around one brick of one remaining part of a building, and we just kept going down, revive the other one, go down, and we were just like, we're gonna make it.

We didn't make it,

but we lived for a long time we really did yeah well uh why didn't i get an invite didn't know you like to play but it's out again this weekend so uh let's see if you accept it this weekend yeah honestly that's not on my list of mark games i didn't i didn't remember that you were a big battlefield because you don't play shooters yeah but i like big battles that's why i liked fortnite 100 v 100 mode which i still don't think they have brought back hey beta's open again this weekend we'll ping you ah this weekend am i going to be busy this yes I am going to be busy this weekend.

Yeah, you will play in Battlefield.

You're right.

You're right.

No, but actually, Sam,

you're visiting this.

Well, it'll be in the past.

Not anymore.

No, I need him.

Wait.

What are we doing to Sam?

There, I brought him back.

My bad.

Okay, well, that was reminds me of how much I don't play games right now because I'm so busy.

And this weekend, he's going to be helping with that.

Oh, you should.

Battlefield's great.

I think he is being sincere.

I think he's just like that, Wayne.

Don't look too far into it.

Why do you mean?

I don't know what this is.

I don't like it.

What's wrong, Wade?

This is a ship of thesis.

It was you really the whole time?

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This off to college season, save on college, save the every day.

I wish I had gotten a nice desk when I was in college because I did not do my wrists any favors by typing on my lap all the time.

I'm shocked I don't have wrist braces on my wrists.

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You know how I said at the beginning of this we're going to talk about cancellations?

Yeah.

Well, we're not, but it's close.

Oh, thank God.

I was pretty sure you were just going to be like, actually, that is the episode now.

No, we're going to get canceled.

Welcome to the drama stirring episode.

What did we say was Markipliers?

Oh, wait, that's a thing.

No, bleep that.

Sorry.

Sorry.

That's already something.

Who canceled Markiplier?

Here's the rub, which apparently is a Shakespearean expression.

I didn't know that.

Also makes like ribs and stuff taste a lot better if they get a good rub.

How so?

Because you rub it on the meat and then you cook it.

It's a mixture of like spices and flavors that you put on there.

So whenever you're in the middle of the morning with your fingers, suck them.

What the fuck?

What?

No.

Ew.

Suck your fingers.

This is why we don't eat at Wade's house.

You're rubbing.

I'm talking.

The rubbing.

Then just suck them.

No.

Don't ask me if you don't want the answers.

I don't want the answers.

You did ask Wade a question.

That is always on the table.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

So here's the rub, which might not be a Shakespearean podcast.

I actually don't even know.

We're on the podcast charts

34th.

Overall,

we're higher on comedy only, all right?

We're funny guys.

Yeah, but no one cares about that listing they care about the full-on listing is telling the people watching that gonna help maybe tell the people not watching that not watching what he's working let him cook all right cook cook here's this here's the spatula all right so we're 34th right you know that is abysmal we beat rogan once upon a time twice actually we beat him twice twice upon a time so if you think about the rankings like he's only up by one for us on the on the him v us he's only up by one because he he was there he we took it he took it back we took it he took it back he's three to two it's such a close game we're basically neck and neck yeah i see it but at 34th we got a long way to go the only way we're going to get to go higher is by tearing down everyone above us.

I want in this episode, each of you guys, to procedurally go through the list of podcasts that are above us and then create drama about them shit on their podcast.

I will give a point for how egregiously devastating the blow is emotionally to these other podcasters enough that it will be resonate to their audience and then they will be forced to talk about us and then they will inherently flood us up to the top.

It's a perfect plan.

It works every time.

We have never tapped into the drama.

Got it.

We have never ever tapped into the drama.

There's some easy targets here.

Smosh reads Reddit stories, I think is relatively new.

They're up up above us.

That's our thing reading Reddit stories.

That's our thing.

Huberman Lab is one above us.

That guy had like six girlfriends.

Who even is that?

Isn't that like a self-improvement?

Yeah, science-based tools for.

He's like a neuroscientist.

He recently had some drama where he had like six girlfriends.

That's a lot.

Not even an exaggeration.

So the thing is, the thing is, we don't even have to know these podcasts.

We're going to judge books by their covers covers and we're going to tear them down.

I want everyone watching this to clip these and then send these clips to each of these podcasts for each roast, forcing them to engage.

We will shoot up through the rankings and look, guys, as much as I'm joking about this, this might actually work.

So make the roast good, but not that good.

Don't get us canceled.

That's the fine line you have to walk.

Hey, you can always trust me to not live up to your expectations.

Oh, no.

All right.

Well, I feel like that wade column is going to be pretty barren on this, but I'm ready to dive in.

It can be everyone above us.

It could also be people below us.

Oh, let's punch down.

You can only get one roast in per podcast.

So if someone, if Wade gets a roast per podcast or stirs up drama about them, Bob, you can't do about that same podcast.

And we'll go until the entire list has been, until we got clips for the entire list.

Got it.

I'm locked and loaded for this.

Yes.

You know, it was going to be the

perfectest crime.

It really was.

Oh, is it ready?

I can't believe it.

No, no, it was going to be the perfectest crime.

But, you know, I had some other work I had to do last night.

Anyway, still in the pot, still boiling.

Heads is Wade.

Tails is Bob.

Oh, my God.

His head's down there.

His heads.

So, Wade.

All right.

You're up first.

All right.

Who are you going to destroy emotionally?

Oh, let's go after Call Her Daddy, Alex Cooper, sitting at 17.

Oh.

Isn't that a good one?

I don't know.

Is that good?

Probably.

All right, what are you going to say?

Call her daddy.

I won't even call mine.

They're both dead to me.

Is that good?

Did I do it?

Oh, oh.

Take that, Alex Cooper.

That's right.

Good lord, man.

I know.

I'm the

roast king.

Did I roast me more or her more?

All right, so call her daddy.

I actually don't know.

Okay, so the real thing is, like, we're not actually just just making full drama i'm actually kind of curious and we're gonna have a conversation about the other podcasts that are around this because one thing that i often struggle with as a youtuber is like i don't feel well integrated into my peers and i realize that we exist in a bubble entirely outside of the podcast world so we are gonna roast them but then we're gonna talk about them caller daddy i've never listened to any episode but i've heard good things about it unless i shouldn't have heard good things and then the our audience will correct me about that isn't it like an interview podcast Yeah, it's like an interview one, right?

I think so.

I think it's like, yeah, conversational about different topics and things you'll have different guests on.

Yeah.

Yeah, creating conversations since 2018.

When did we start?

Do we have seniority?

No.

No.

2012?

Well,

three.

Do the streams count?

Yeah, I would count those.

We started those

maybe 2018.

2018 was the year we were in Australia talking about doing a podcast.

I'm assuming we started in 2019.

All right.

Well, let's assume that they have seniority and that's the only reason that they're 17 and we're 34.

But that was a good pick because that's exactly half.

Thank you.

Bob, who are you going to roost?

Easy.

I have not listened to this one, but also I have.

Number 13 on the list, True Crime with Kimber.

I do not know this specific podcast, but honestly, who cares?

Because I have listened to a true crime podcast and they're all the same.

They all have the same waffley nonsense.

It's all one person telling the story, summarized from a bunch of news articles, and then being like, oh, well, could she have gotten climbed down the third story window from her apartment, down the tree, down the light pole, gotten into her car, left her cell phone in the parking lot so that the GPS was accurate, driven 25 minutes away, committed a murder, perfectly buried, hid the body, gotten all that back.

Could she have done that in under 68 minutes, which is the window of time where we don't know exactly where she was?

Maybe.

Thanks.

I'm glad we settled this.

Now I know what happened.

What an exciting and insightful podcast.

Woo, time to listen to another story where you don't have anything interesting to add to it.

Thank you.

So the next episode I was going to host is changing.

Listen, I've listened to true crime podcasts because I find them entertaining and I get it.

And there's a lot of story, like there's a lot of crazy crime stories out there, and some of them famous, some of them lesser-known.

I get it, but man, is the trope of person reads a true crime story and is like, here's all the information that's publicly available.

Could they have done it?

That's crazy.

Okay, bye.

Like, God,

fun.

That's a lot.

I think that it's like you're hitting on something I do agree with, but also I'm guilty of in a different vein.

Because, let me tell you, there are only so many funny sports stories in the entire world

and on go i think i've tapped all of them i recently found one about the most deadly sporting event in history which took place was that the stadium collapse no no this was not recent it's 10 000 people died because it started a war these chariot races in like greece or something or rome or somewhere Things went crazy.

Like it went nuts because there was some murders that happened the first time.

And the emperor was like, hey, let's all calm down We're not gonna kill these guys even though they kill people Let's have more chariot races and so they did and then the riots started from the chariot races and Then 10,000 people died and if you enjoyed this preview of go hmm Come over from go and help distractable move up the ranking.

Yeah, don't listen to that show.

Listen to this one.

Listen to this one extra.

It's a good thing go's not on the top list because we don't have to roast them.

Well, you said we could punch down.

Not that far down, man.

Oh, man.

Let's go.

I'm going for it.

Not that far, man.

Oh, are you your arms, you tall freak?

Go.

More like Mark.

Can you pick a podcast?

Am I right?

All right.

All right.

Wait, I'll allow you to roast any other true crime podcast, and you can copy Bob's rant word for word.

Oh, thanks.

Because I was going to.

If it's not word for word, I feel like he shouldn't get the points.

Oh, don't worry.

Number twenty.

The title alone tells me why that one doesn't deserve to be ahead of some of the charts because it is criminally listed ahead of Distractible.

So it's the only reason you're picking it.

Yes.

It was an easy punch.

And also all those things Bob said.

Just tag those all on there, huh?

The synopsis says, is a show for fans of true crime.

We strive to bring you the most interesting true crime stories and unsolved mysteries that you've never heard before.

Created, written, and narrated by the team at Criminally Listed.

So, Bob, this might actually be new stuff.

Listen, I'm I'm not going to say without knowing anything because I have not listened to that show that they have magically found true crime stories that the 800 other true crime podcasts and miniseries and docuseries and documentaries haven't found.

But I would bet money that I, a non-fan of, like I'm not like I listen to every single true crime show and whatever, but I've seen a lot of them.

I bet I've heard of a lot of the true crime stories that they're

shilling out here as never before heard.

New, this is, this will be blow your socks off.

And I bet not.

I'm going to do a quick count of how many true crime podcasts I see on this list.

One, two, three,

four would solve to be four, five,

it's morbid now.

Six, seven.

Okay.

There's seven above us.

There's seven true crime podcasts above us.

Look, I get why it's popular.

I do get it.

It's just a really saturated market.

Advertising me as, ooh, we'll bring you stories you've never heard.

I just struggle to believe that.

I really do.

There's like 9,000 Netflix documentaries and mini-series about all the even crimes that are not interesting have their own whole series because it's like, well, it's a story we could tell.

All right, what if we switch to a crime podcast where we learn about these stories and then we invent ways how we would have gotten away with it?

Can I make a new intro for it each time?

Like the eye turned around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so I started stabbing.

All right, Bob, it's your turn to single someone out for punching.

All right, I've got one.

Number 24, Smartless.

Oh, yeah, get him.

This is a show where three guys

show up and sit in front of microphones and just talk about some bullshit.

And one of them's funny because he's an idiot.

And one of them's funny because he's charming.

And one of them is Jason Bateman.

That's all they do is just blah, blah, blah about nothing.

And that's it.

That's the episode.

And they have guests, okay, which is just a hat on a hat.

Having guests on a show that already has three people is like wearing a condom on a dick that already has three condoms on it.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

What the fuck?

Hold on.

It's one too many, Mark, is the point.

It's one too many, and it sounds boring.

One too many condoms or one too many dicks.

It's the joke.

And I can't think of any reason

that the joke isn't funny and doesn't shine a light directly back on my face.

Three guys at a podcast talking about nonsense sounds just insufferable.

Yeah, you're right.

No one would like that.

I think that given that we have been friends for probably longer than they have.

I don't even know if that's true.

They're old.

Given that.

What are our differences?

We

do two-thirds of our show aren't famous for anything else.

Whereas they got one-third of theirs.

Wait, no, are they?

They're all.

No, I would say all three of them are pretty well famous on their own.

Like, Jason Bateman, I think, is a pretty big star, but Sean Hayes and Will Arnett have been in lots of huge stuff, played lots of huge roles.

So

suck on that, idiots.

Yeah, take that, guys.

You really got to get up in your movie roles.

I really need you guys to appear in more movies.

Can you make some movies that I can appear in, please?

That's the one and the only way I've ever successfully accomplished that, so I'm going to really need your help on that one.

If you could make a movie with more than just yourself as the cast, I'd really appreciate it.

I don't want the clip of this to get over to them and then they pull up our IMDBs, you know, and just kind of like compared person to person.

I don't think that'll go well for us.

You know what, guys?

I think we should start interviewing really famous people.

I think that would really change the dynamic of our show.

Their most recent episode has Jason Momoa on it.

Can we get Jason?

Do we know Jason?

Do we know

Jason?

Can we get Jason?

I know.

Hey, hey, Jason.

That's close enough.

I've never listened, just like I've never listened to any of these podcasts, probably,

but that's not an insult to them.

Actually, I do listen to Smartless on occasion because they have some.

All right, fair enough.

All right.

Well, all right.

You're helping the enemy.

But I hate it.

I listen because it's so bad.

Yeah.

At least worse than this one that we're doing.

Anyway, I was actually hoping one of you would pick it.

That was the daily double.

The bonus point was Smartless.

There is one more bonus point on the board.

Oh, I know which one it is, and I'm picking it now.

Okay.

It's my turn, so I get to pick it now.

Yeah, yeah, it is your turn, Nicholas.

All right, give me the big bat because this is the one that probably ends me.

Tucker Carlson, I'm coming for you.

He's the daily triple, right?

No, but go for it.

All right, Tucker Carlson.

I think we're all aware of who Tucker Carlson is.

Do you remember, Listen, I don't know all the shit he's done, but I remember seeing like clips of whenever he went to Russia.

I think it was Russia.

Oh, God, yeah.

And it was like, he was on the most clearly guided tour of all time.

He's like, guys, this Cold War thing, why?

It's not so bad here.

They're like us.

Those clips play like an adult, an adult swim sketch show.

They have tomatoes.

Bread.

This is great bread.

It was like hardcore journalism at its finest.

Where do you guys get vegetables?

Whoa.

The only thing I think about Tucker Carlson is I remember when Jon Stewart was brought on to his old show, like Crossfire, was that what it was called?

Like way back,

way back when.

And just like he tried to make fun or poke fun or belittle Jon Stewart.

And anyone who's ever gone like

up against Jon Stewart in any kind of debate almost always ends up looking like a fool.

But I think in particular that that exchange, I think that actually

quite the fool in that one.

Man, what hardcore journalism at its finest investigating deep into the guided Russian tour?

Uh-huh.

It really felt like a guided North Korean tour.

Was it North Korea?

No, no, no.

Like that, where if you see anyone.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They both, well, yeah, North Korea also does that, don't they?

Where they invite people in, but they very like strictly are like, look how happy everyone is.

Move the cardboard cutouts.

In North Korea,

the people went up there and it was everyone in a computer lab, but they were just not typing.

Some people had their hands on the keyboard and other people were just like looking at the Google home page.

While everyone on the tour is like standing over the, just like,

why are they looking at me?

We don't laugh because the situation in those countries is funny, but because the perception that it's like real is supposed to be taken as real, but it's that ridiculously presented.

That's what's funny.

All right, cool.

All right.

All right, Bob.

I've got one that I have a gripe with, but I also think might be an opportunity.

This podcast is essentially doing what brands do in grocery stores, where they're like, oh, we need different versions of our product so we can take up more shelf space, you know?

Pod Save America is a left-leaning political show.

They cover a lot of like new stuff, and they are below us.

Their main show, Pod Save America, is below us.

So they're all right.

Except that they have something called Pod Save Breaking News from Pod Save America, which appears to just be them just talking about whatever news stories are happening.

And it's fourth.

What?

But that's just them taking up more shelf space, talking about shit that they would normally talk about on their weekly show on something that I assume they post whenever the hell they feel like it.

And it's just, I'd actually never listen to it i assume it's like short episodes where they're just like look what trump did today look south park talked a lot of shit about donald yeah there's 18 minutes 13 minutes 13 minutes this is just them like reading whatever headline is happening and then being like oh and i hate that all right listen to the main listen to this in our actual show that we release once a week but it's fourth why the fuck is that fourth that's not it anyway It's some bullshit.

We could have done that.

We could do that where we take clips of our podcast and make a new podcast out of it.

I don't know if this is excerpts from their show or if they literally just sit down and read the headline and talk about the news story or whatever.

But like, either way,

we could do that.

Breaking news from Distractible.

I'll just sit down and read you whatever news story is going on.

We release it on a daily basis.

We could slap at least 10 minutes or 10 minutes, 10 ads on a 10-minute video.

Yeah, this is literally, they have two of these on August 5th, one August 6th, August 7th.

They just put out little 15, 20 minute things talking about one or a couple news stories.

I get it.

I get why they would want to do that, but that's some bullshit.

That does not deserve to be on a list of good shows that have a lot of work and thought put into them.

All right.

That's just some news, which is important,

but it just grinds my gears, you know?

I agree completely.

This is a tragedy, and this is unjust because how can they be fourth and 30, whatever they are?

37th or something.

That means if they add theirs together, they are technically ahead of us.

Because if you put four plus 37, minus 37, they're at 33.

And holy shit, they're above us by one.

But only one, but only one.

It's just like, one,

I hate that.

Two, if that's allowed, we need like seven more podcasts.

And we could just call them distractible.

No, but that's the thing, right?

You just take full episodes and you're like, distractible, the first five minutes.

And then you just post that.

Distractible, Baldimort only.

They'd be like, distractible, the funniest five minutes.

And then it's just like the good, a good bit from every episode.

But good episodes, you could have multiple.

And it's like, distractible, the end of each episode.

And those are all different shows.

Distractible, bald, and bald.

It's just Baldimort and me.

What anything we say?

Yeah.

All right, okay.

Distractible with no Mark.

And it's just the whole regular show, but Mark's stuff is all cut out.

It's like Garfield without Garfield, where it's just John Arbuckle being psychotic.

I could see easily eight to ten shows we could spin off of just the main.

We wouldn't have to record any more content, just a little, you know, there'd be more editing work to do.

But then we could be putting out one or two things a day, dominate the charts.

I think the top 10 should all be versions of Distractible.

I think if that's allowed, I think we should.

I've often said this.

If we actually tried, we could take over.

We could.

But God, we're lazy.

That sounds exhausting.

I've been sitting on an animation for this podcast for two months.

Hey, uploading videos to YouTube is harder than it sounds, okay?

If you think that's bad, you should see our merch.

Look, if we try.

I'm getting sad.

Why did I do this?

Don't worry.

I got a good one.

Okay, all right, cool.

Literally, Bob stole my, not the one I was going to choose, but the same exact concept.

Let me point you to number 38.

38?

Rotten Mango.

Let's scroll up and look.

Oh, somewhere in the teens.

Oh, number 10, even.

Rotten Mango Video.

And if you click the read more on either one, Rotten Mango, August 7th, 1 hour, 28 minutes.

Oh,

Rotten Mango video.

Oh, let's see.

Monday, one hour, 29 minutes.

Teen girl begs TikTok to find her mom's killer.

What was the other one?

Teen Girl begs TikTok to find her mom's killer.

It's one minute difference with video.

It's just a show with a video or without video.

I didn't know we could do that.

What do you, what, what?

We've been having the listeners versus viewers debate when we could have had the best of both worlds.

Yeah, we should just separate those out.

Then you'll know which side you're on.

Give it all to the listeners?

Then the rankings would determine whether the listeners or the viewers are winning.

God.

Oh, that's true.

I like that.

Wow.

Okay, distractable, distractible listeners only, distractible viewers only.

Get their viewers only.com.

No crossover.

Man, I didn't know this is going to be such a deep well of brilliant ideas.

This is.

See, this is why we got to pay attention because we may be comfortable where we are in the rankings, but we shouldn't stay comfortable.

We got to be hungry.

We got to be, we got to get on that grind.

I got to post that animation.

Fuck, I got to post that animation.

A third channel.

Half video, half not.

And it's just wherever the editors decide to take the video out.

Ooh.

You have to hit play on both of them at the same time.

Oh, okay.

And then they'll

have one's audio, one's video.

But there's bits missing from.

Yeah, uh-huh.

That's like a.

Okay, I got it.

Unus onastactable.

One year of some video.

Every episode has a counter ticking down to the end of the episode.

And when the episode ends.

And it ends, you don't have to hover over it to see time remaining.

We'll tell you.

No, it's the same podcast, just as a timer on it.

You could just call it redacted and make a version of our logo that's just very black and white.

Redactable!

Redactable!

Oh, it writes itself.

We could have so many offshoot podcasts.

Man, if we lived in the same area, we would be able to make so much.

Dude, we could make enough podcasts to populate the top 100 on the Spotify charts.

I didn't mention Rotten Mango.

I don't know if you counted this, Mark, but it's another crime.

Well, there's no bonus point for that, but that's a good point.

It is a true crime plus all things spooky.

I feel like a lot of these, I'm like, oh, it's a podcast about two friends who hang out.

Also, it's true crime.

This is going to blow up in our face so hard because everyone listening is going to go check out these other podcasts.

We're going to get pushed down so far.

So you can only punch up.

You can only punch up.

If we punch down, we're going to bring people up.

Well, what happens when they're up and down?

I don't know.

Man, I don't know.

We've not even scrolled to see the other 15 of the same channel.

All right, well, then go, Bob.

It's your turn.

We got it.

We got.

I honestly feel like we're running out of stuff in here that's not true crime shows.

Number 25 on this list right now.

The title alone just makes me.

I don't know anything about this guy.

The diary of a CEO with Stephen Bartlett.

Listen, I get that the

grind set is a thing, and and there's a lot of people who

in the world that we live in right now, in the context of what's happening, especially in America with all the capitalism flying around, who gives a fuck about what would be inside the diary of a CEO?

Oh,

July 27th.

Too much money today.

They brought three big trucks full of money to my house.

And I was like, where am I to put all of this money?

Oh, my money closets are all full.

I'll have to start filling my third pool with money.

And I was like, Oh, then I could Scrooge McDuck my way through the pool, but we all know that doesn't work.

We've all tried that.

When you get your first few truckloads of money, everybody tries the Scrooge McDuck.

Oh, life is unfair.

Oh, no, wait, but I didn't say it.

He said it.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

So, wait, this was not even Bob.

This was Stephen Bartlett calling unfair.

All right.

If it's all heads, Stephen Bartlett's podcast gets deleted.

If it's all tails, our podcast gets deleted.

It's the only way.

Oh, well, let's see what happens.

This is a really important coin flip.

Wait, there's more.

Wait, all right, you know what?

Fuck it.

Here we go.

Huh.

Tails.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, we almost got him.

Oh, that was close.

I like how mine's a dramatic reveal because the focus doesn't work anymore.

I like how mine's a dramatic reveal because what the fuck is mine?

Mine's a lady and a lion.

The lion is Tails.

Don't ask questions.

Mine's a George and an Eagle.

All right.

Well, I guess you get to live another day, CEO Stephen Bartlett.

But still, nobody's sad about how much money you have in your big giant mansion mr ceo i will admit that there's tons of people that find inspiration from those kind of things but i also will say and i've been saying it the entire time i've been doing anything is that like it doesn't matter if you're an entrepreneur or if you have the grindset whatever it's creativity that above any other skill imagination and creativity that's what seems to get lost it's not about how hard you work.

It's, it's, because that is part of it, but it's about how you can create creative, interesting, useful solutions or interesting ideas and spill them out into the world.

And also, you know,

maybe don't put money first.

You're sharing a little too much here, Mark.

We're going to start a new podcast called The Pyramid Scheme where we sell this info.

And then people below us will sell the info and we take a small cut of it, you know, because it was originally our idea, but like they get to keep most of it and everyone gets rich it's trickle up economics i like that i like that yeah and in a way i i do appreciate because this person probably is doing the creative thing where they're they're doing what other people have done where they're making a product out of their own success maybe wait i got to look up their wait what's their i don't know they have a it seems he seems to be management of a of a capital fund steven is a british entrepreneur investor and author founder of flight story a media company and flight fund an investment fund backing the next generation of category defining businesses it's this like a private capital private investment fund type thing i don't really know it's unclear from this podcast summary what exactly he does but okay so it is kind of a company that is about selling this idea that other people can make companies they've had 1.2 billion download slash streams I mean, it's very, very successful show.

There must be something to that.

I mean, if we had, do we, can we see that?

Yeah, we got our statue recently.

We did that's great 250 million was for the statue, I think.

Yeah, you got that, didn't you?

Yeah, I'm sure I did probably.

Wade, are you okay?

You got it?

All right, in the last 30 days, we have 9.4 million plays, but that's only 30 days.

I don't.

Oh, lifetime, we have 420,765,000 plays

and 2.4 million followers.

420 plays it.

I don't know if these are all like exclusive to spot.

We're leaving Spotify charts, so I don't know if this is exclusive or not.

I've had, you know, 22.7 billion views on my channel.

I know, I can't bring that into this discussion.

This is purely about podcasts.

So, guys, we really got to step it up.

We're don't worry.

I've got one.

Okay.

All right.

Joe Rogan, here we come.

The bonus, the other daily double.

First of all, bald and a name that sounds like Rogan.

If you have any, let me know.

Second of all, the Joe Rogan experience.

What is the experience?

Having a bunch of weird, controversial people on to state their controversial opinions and be like, I didn't say it.

They did.

What an experience to have.

You know what an experience would be?

A virtual tour on like a fucking canoe while you interviewed them.

Not sitting in your little office with your microphone, letting them say all their shit.

Sitting at number one on your golden fucking throne what an experience we're coming for you bitch we've been there twice we'll be there again

damn god tell him i'm sure he's terrified that was great your dreams fuck your nightmares energy that was that was quite a no bald he's gonna beat me for long All right.

Well, wow.

Yeah, he got, he also got the other daily double.

Wade, that's pretty good.

We're closing in on the last ranks.

There's tons of other podcasts to poke at.

Bob, you have any thoughts?

Another one I didn't listen to and have no plans to listen to.

Number two on the list.

Good hang with Amy Poehler.

Get her.

Look.

Amy Poehler as an actress.

Great.

Very funny.

Very good roles.

Very lovable characters and or hatable characters.

Amy Poehler as the host of a show where random celebrities come just to talk with her just because she's Amy Poehler.

Honestly, that sounds kind of good.

I was going to talk shit, but I.

Am I going to have to redact this point?

I mean,

it's

blonde hair.

I thought I would come up with something.

I just really don't want to talk shit about Amy Poehler.

Man.

I think I might have to listen to this show.

I have to scratch out this point and chuck it over to Wade for the steal.

Yeah, talk, share stories about careers, mutual friends, shared enthusiasm.

Okay, Amy, let's be a little less optimistic and more realistic.

We don't need optimism in our podcast.

We need real hard-hitting truths like distractible offers.

Is that a good steal?

No, that was not a good steal.

Shit.

I've got a steal.

Look at number two and number three.

How do we know that those two aren't the same person?

Blonde,

a woman.

Look at that.

See?

That art won't fool anybody.

That's true.

All blonde women are the same, I think.

That's what I'm saying.

Oh, that's an easy one.

You tied it in.

Good hang with Amy Poehler, secretly true crime podcast.

All podcasts other than distractible are secretly just true crime podcasts.

And 17, Call Her Daddy, also a blonde woman.

19,

four blonde women in the top 34.

I think we're seeing a trend.

Oh, my God.

What's even the percentage of blonde women in the population?

Yeah, there should be more white men hosting podcasts.

How many?

Two,

10, 11, 12, 30?

Hey!

Hey!

Not white.

Yeah, man.

All right.

Fuck.

Man.

All right, you know, fine, whatever I get.

The half of you people call the half of you.

Wait, hold on.

What's this?

The half of me, people.

The half of you people call.

All right, okay, all right.

People, oh, audience, stop clipping.

You have to stop clipping now.

It's getting

bad.

God damn.

We're going to call this episode drama alarm.

I just came up with that.

All right.

Wade, that was a bad steal.

Bob, it's back to you.

You get a chance to redemption.

Otherwise, the score is going to get away from you.

Easy one.

Low-hanging fruit.

I'm surprised we haven't gone for it yet.

And it's a multiple one.

Oh, where'd it go?

Number 12 and

number

31.

npr shows oh my god literally just npr shows boring

oh my god who made the sound of taking a nap into a podcast get out of here

Why do those get to be on the top list?

Informative?

Maybe.

Annoyingly close to the microphone whisper talking?

Guaranteed.

Worthy of being in the top 34 best podcasts in the entire entire known universe?

I don't think so.

All right, that gets it.

You know what?

People don't rag on NPR enough.

They've been skating by easy.

We all know.

They lost their $500 million.

Now they need to lose their spots in the top podcast charts.

That's what I'm here.

That's what I'm here for next.

NPR, you know what it stands for?

No People Recare.

Oh, man.

Got him.

What a scathing indictment of education in this nation.

We should be a roasting only podcast.

Only we had more NPR shows to tell us how to make acronyms.

All right.

Well, that was really good.

It's really scathing.

I think that we are either really climbing the rankings or we're kicked off entirely.

Next week, 58th.

All right.

All right.

Then we'll have more people to talk shit about, yeah.

Are we doing any more?

Are we stopping?

What time is it?

We got time for one more.

Wade, it's back to you.

All right.

This is a near punch, but it's a little bit of a down.

Number 35, two bears, one cave.

I don't know if you guys see the art for this one.

I'm pretty sure those are not real bears.

So this is false advertising if I've ever seen it.

Yeah, get them.

If you're going to call yourselves two bears in one cave, but only the head with a white outline is the bear?

And one guy's not even bear-chested.

Terrible advertising.

I'll never listen just because of the lies I'm told with my eyes.

It's probably a true crime podcast as well.

Let's be honest.

Almost definitely.

Comedian best friends and also bears together in their bear cave at Yamaha Studios.

What?

Oh, YMH Studios?

Yeah, Yumaha.

It's not Yamaha.

They don't want to get sued, so it's Yamaha.

I love the way it's still a joke telling it's just like he keeps going until it gets funny.

I admire the perseverance.

You're going to laugh.

Or else I'm going to beat the laughing dude.

All right.

Is that it?

I went first, so technically Bob should get one more.

All right.

Bob, last chance.

Number 21.

Pardon my take.

Who the fuck wants a podcast about sports?

That's most of what I have to say about this one.

Sports are already on TV.

Watch the sports.

They already have fleets of dudes talking about the sports that are on TV.

These are just guys who weren't good enough to talk about sports while they're on TV, talking about sports that were on TV, but no one was interested in giving them any screen time on the TV sports networks.

I'll just go watch Around the Horn.

Thank you very much, which I think that show actually ended, but that was the first one I could think of.

PTI is still on, I think.

This is.

Oh, yeah, that's the other thing.

Pardon my take.

This is just knockoff, pardon the interruption.

This is clearly a playoff of a show that actually exists with actual sports guys on it.

Pardon my take, it's just some dudes probably drunk, sitting around, apparently on some bar stools, talking about whatever their favorite sports team that sucks did recently.

Sounds boring.

Sounds stupid.

Nobody likes sports.

Get out of here.

Isn't there a separate chart for that?

Shouldn't you be over on the sports chart?

Why are you so sad, Mark?

What does sports podcast have to do with you?

Also, the guy's shirt says y a b o i don't know of a single sport that keeps track of yards after body odor not one nah

thank you muppets i'm glad we had you on as guests today that's my real laugh sorry anyway also uh the only thing i don't know about them but i i see that they say they're presented by draft kings and boy howdy do i hate sports betting

presented by a gambling addiction in your pocket on the thing you have to use every day but if you guys use code distractible

you'll get five free dollars to bet, assuming you bet $500 per day for two weeks straight.

Man, that is the thing about Go is

we get every week an offer for one of the sports betting things to do, like presenting and stuff, because they want to be on every sports.

And we say no every time.

So what happens anyway is they'll run ads on the podcast, and those are things that we don't have to approve because we're not reading them, but they just like go.

And even though we've said many times, we don't want them, powers that be, this is the kind of tea the people want.

Apparently, that's the only thing that makes sports worth paying any attention to whatsoever.

What did we even do with sports before you could bet on them with your phone?

I don't remember.

There were some frogs that sang about beer.

Sounds boring.

Sounds pointless.

Yeah.

Shampoo?

Clydesdales?

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

How much money is in shampoo?

How can I bet on shampoo?

You're asking the wrong guy, man.

All right.

Well, that wraps it up.

And the only thing left to do is to throw shade at one myself.

You guys remember a long time ago when

we were just getting started and my manager was reaching out to some other podcasts.

And they said, you know, hey, would you want Mark on as a guest to talk about his podcast?

And one of them, one of them got back.

I mean, I didn't go on any of them because I was really lazy and

I didn't actually follow through with any of it, but one of them.

Busy, busy.

He was busy.

Actually, I was busy, but just holding up the story.

One of them got back and was like, Markiplier, the YouTuber?

Uh, no.

Do you remember that?

Do you remember me telling me about this?

I do.

I remember which show that was, too.

I don't remember anything, but I believe it.

I, in this episode, am going to name the podcast that said such words to me, and I am here to tell you all at home.

Should I tell them?

Your episode, man.

Don't put this on me.

Yeah, I mean, that wasn't, I mean, that was behind the scenes conversation or whatever, but it's not like that's an NDA.

Shouldn't have been rude if you didn't want someone to talk about how rude you were.

Shouldn't have been rude.

Exactly, exactly.

I'm here to say, two and a half years later, after I finally healed from my wounded pride, that Dax Shepard, armchair expert with Dax Shepard, was the one that

besmirched me.

Oh, YouTuber, eh?

Just because you're twice as high on the rankings as us doesn't mean that you get to stomp all over my hopes and dreams and accomplishments, Dax.

They got his photo mid-jiz, too.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, he shouldn't have posted that photo on the internet if he wanted people to talk about how he's mid-jiz in it.

Anyway.

Sorry, number one.

And that'll conclude it with this episode's Tirade of Drama.

We have stirred the pot.

We have shaken the can.

We have opened the pickle jar.

We are now in the thick of it, slinging mud left and right.

And this is just who we got to be now.

Only here will you get the deep dive into every podcast and the critical analysis we provided today.

Here in Drama Alarm Country, that's just what we do.

All right, right, so thank you guys for participating in this.

That was very funny.

I enjoyed that very much.

And it was a close race.

You both got each one of the daily doubles.

I felt like they were pretty obvious.

I was trying to make it, you know, something that both of you could get.

So each one of you got one.

So, Bob, you know, first you got the most interesting point.

I don't remember what you said, but I wasn't paying attention anyway.

You said you were sick, so I remember that.

True crime with Kimber, you roasted him alive, and all other true crime podcasts.

Smartless with the bonus episode, that's five.

Pod Save America, two podcasts, Diary of a CEO, NPR, I had to take away the good hang point,

and then pardon my take.

So you have nine points going into the next segment.

Wade, you drove to get a late-night stack.

I'm very proud of you.

Oh, so good.

You speak genetic code.

That's your second language, I believe.

Caller Daddy, criminally listed, another of the many, many True Crime podcasts.

Tucker Carlson, Rotten Mango, Heaven, too, as well.

Joe Rogan with the double point.

And then two Bears, One Cave.

You guys are actually tied nine to nine.

It was pretty even.

I think that it's almost shocking.

So now we spin the tie wheel, right?

We spin the Wheel of Fate.

It is tied going into it.

I realized, I guess we don't want zero, but zero could be on this wheel of options.

Zero, nah.

Maybe it could be a tiny sliver.

All right, one bonus point.

All right, So

caused the most drama or threw shade the most or attacked someone, something, something like that.

Was it you?

You caused all of this.

You did this to us.

Yeah, most personal attacks.

Most personal attacks.

I like that.

Because we do that to each other, too.

Oh, yes, we do.

Oh, you're right.

We do.

That'll come up.

All right.

So unless something crazy happens, it all comes down to this.

One point for viewers.

Let's do it.

Oh, no, don't

oh no

oh no

half a point for mark oh no

oh boy it's well well well oh we haven't spun it in a long time so i think oh wow that's big oh my

and you gotta add to it don't you it's fine it's fine that's 25 and a quarter percent, just about.

Mark, any last words?

I know it'll probably be fine.

No, it's gonna be fine.

It's only this will be fine.

It'll be fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It'll be fine.

Oh, that's a long

okay.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Wade.

All right.

Winner by the tie wheel, and it will go up from here.

But, Wade, congratulations.

You win

the Tie Wheel winner.

Thank you.

I'm assuming that's a segue to a winner's speech.

Yes, uh, please win the speech.

Well, this was a great episode.

I think we really did a good job of just showing how much we care about community, about each other, and lifting each other up, especially lifting Distractible up.

And we will be back to number one very soon because of all of you who are going to be listening and watching harder than you've ever listened and watched before.

Because we need to be number one

because

you know why.

If we're not number one, we're not.

Well, well done.

Well said.

Well spoken.

This is truly our path to the top.

It is the dark side, but the dark side is a path to many things that other podcasts would deem unnatural.

Bob?

Uh, honestly, if AB Poehler is the one who cost me the win, I guess that's fine.

It's funny because her type of humor is really like cringy, and honestly, I find it difficult to watch sometimes, but she's just really undeniably talented.

Like,

I'm okay with that.

You know what?

I lost because I couldn't talk shit about Amy Poehler and her podcast where she has a bunch of famous people on.

I do this to myself.

I picked that target.

I just assumed I could do it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So, it's on me, really.

I do think roasting all true crime podcasts could have been worth, you know, maybe another half point or something because there's about 9 trillion true crime podcasts in the top 10 list somehow, but, you know.

It just goes to show we need to make distractible crime.

That'll That'll be the next one.

And then distractible touch for, you know, the touchers out there.

The viewers, listeners, and then touchers.

Wait till the tasters come in.

All right.

Well, thank you everybody so much for watching.

Our job is done here.

Your job just begins.

Get those clips rolling.

We got to stir that pot.

Everyone's going to be mad and everyone's going to come attack us.

But because we are immune to criticism, we'll be fine.

Why does it look like I'm bleeding from the corner of my eye?

It doesn't look like blood necessarily, but yeah, it looks.

You get punched by like a lightning bug or something?

No, they're doing it away.

Anyway, but thank you everybody so much for watching.

Be sure to follow the podcast.

There is, I'm gonna call it, there's podcast.

There's podcasts.

There's merch right now.

Crazy thing to say.

Crazy shit.

What's the website?

No clue.

We've been stored.

We've been distracted store.

We've been merch.

Anyway, it exists, but you can't get to it because fuck you.

If you want any of that shit, you better already have known where it was going to be.

All right, we'll figure that out.

Follow these guys.

Oh, shit.

That's it.

Podcast out.