Fourth of Poo-ly

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of Bridgestone tires.

Go to TireRack.com to see their Bridgestone test results, tire ratings, and reviews.

And be sure to check out all the special offers.

TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

This episode of Distractible is presented by Vitamin Water.

Some drinks are fun, some are functional, but Vitamin Water said, why not both?

There is nothing more refreshing than like a nice vitamin water, ice cold sip in the heat.

I only drink zero sugar drinks, so of course I'm a fan of the zero sugar rehydrate pineapple passion fruit.

I'm a big pineapple guy.

Pineapple good.

Born in New York City, billed for people who work hard and play hard.

Grab a vitamin water today, copyright 2025, Glasso.

Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Weeks Les Wade witnesses an apocalypse, then gets the guys to channel porcelain patriotism and anal breaching.

B-Dayless Bob waxes wet-bald weather girl, refutes nude carpentry, proposes shit stadia, and beer still suits.

Maesto So Mark mocks the baked Brits, hides narcotics, and rejects homo eroticism for hand drills from deadly domes to caliber crappers.

It's time for

Fourth of Pooh Lai.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible.

I'm today's hosts.

Wait, we are recording.

I just double-checked.

Joined as always by my co-hosts, Mark Mark and Bob.

Hey, boys.

Hello.

Hi.

He's on top of things today.

Something funny, Bob.

I missed something.

I'm glad you double-checked that we're recording.

I was so busy thinking about my great episode that I didn't pay attention to whether or not you clicked the magic button.

I've lost recordings plenty because I wasn't recording when I thought I was, or I was only recording my face and not the game.

I've done that plenty.

Everything muted.

I don't have to record my face.

I'm fine.

I was like, oh my God, my camcorder's not rolling.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

You scared me there.

Yeah, listen.

We record a lot of things in a lot of different ways, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I know.

You know.

Do you know?

Do you know?

I know.

This is a show where stuff happens.

Anyway, Small Talk, what's up?

Guys, not Mark, Ohio, guys.

Wait, what the fuck?

We're in a heat dome.

You are.

I've heard of this.

I was going to date this episode a little bit, but we're in a heat dome.

It was hot at seven o'clock this morning, which was wild to me.

I stepped out the door and I was like, ooh, it was hot all night.

I let the dog out last night before bed at like late, like after midnight.

And I opened the door and still got that like

of hot, humid air, like it was the middle of the afternoon.

But worse than that, I don't know if this is true and I don't know if it's officially forecasted, but this is the kind of weather that apparently precipitates.

I didn't look up how to pronounce this.

Derico's Durate.

Not Derico.

no

derechow is that really how you pronounce that derichow when you eat a lot of dairy derecho all right this is apparently the kind of weather that precipitates derechos which is a spanish word i think which means straight but anyway it's not tornadoes but this kind of like crazy heat just sitting on an area with humidity and stuff apparently can cause a type of storm formation called a derecho which is is like a straight line windstorm.

There was one in 2012 that was crazy.

Straight chime windstorm?

So it creates like a band of storms.

So usually, generally in the Midwest, if there's like a storm that moves through, it's like one thing, right?

There'll be one like band of storms, and you kind of look on the map and you can see like, whoop, there it is.

Derechos look like band of storms break, band of storms break, band of storms break.

And they can have winds pushing up towards 100 miles an hour, but they're not like circular winds like in a tornado, and they don't, it doesn't come and go.

It's storms that blow in with

violent winds, terrible winds.

I vaguely remember the one that happened in 2012, and I remember it being really fucking crazy for like a few days.

I don't know if this is forecasted, but apparently we're in the danger zone for having a derecho form on us and blow through with strong winds, crazy ass storms, could last for a long time, just kind of persistently.

That sounds like the Santa Ana winds, the ones that caused the fires or I guess exacerbated the fires.

Some of the causes were from the winds, but yeah, that was like a, it's like a week-long wind event.

But it's not dry over there.

It's very humid, isn't it?

It is very super humid, yes.

Yeah, so fire risk is not a thing over there, but you know, and we have all the cicadas are dying.

It's like quieter out now, but there's just sad cicadas at their last gasp everywhere.

And I just have this horrible vision of the derecho blowing all their corpses at the windows repeatedly and just thudding.

I mean, that will happen, but trust me, they're not sad, they're all satisfied.

It's it's the afterglow, they all just boned for a month straight and it's like

and they're dying.

But you know, that's that's what they do, yeah.

So don't be sad, it's so much quieter now, it's weird anyway.

It'll probably be fine, but might be pretty crazy out here

and god i hope anyone who's stuck in this area of the midwest and the sort of south where it's hot as fuck is like has air conditioning and is fine because it's actually wicked outside right now in ohio it's like 94 degrees but it's like 47 humidity have you guys ever heard of um wet bulb wet glass bulb temperature thing which is effectively a way to measure like humans cool down naturally by sweating right so it's a way you put a wet towel around a glass bulb and it's a way to measure at what temperature your sweat is going to evaporate and give you like cooling properties or like how it feels kind of.

Currently, the wet bulb temperature, or yesterday, I think it was, was like 88, which is really high for that measure.

Means that sweating is not going to cool you down very much because it's hot and humid outside and it makes.

It won't evaporate.

Yeah, there's no, there's nowhere for your sweat to evaporate.

It's already moist everywhere.

So anyway, it's just fucking hot i hope everyone who's listening i mean this might this probably are coming out on the other side of it hopefully from where we are right now but don't fuck around it's not just like oh it's hot out this is the kind of hot where like bad things can happen if you get caught somewhere and you don't have shade or you don't have air conditioning or you don't have a way to get inside a building it's actually pretty dangerous the high today is 95 i think but it feels like 108.

Yeah, it's not great.

It's a humid heat.

You know how they always say, oh, it's hot in California, Southern California, but it's a dry dry heat.

It's the exact opposite of that here.

It's it's not hot in Ohio, except when it is, and it's a wet heat.

You don't want the wet heat.

Yeah, Amy was just over there,

you know, visiting a friend, and then there was some family event she was going to.

And so she was telling me about how bad it was because she went to Cedar Point while she was out there.

And it was one of the hottest days.

She almost passed out on a roller coaster, just like yikes.

She was on one of the intense ones, and it wasn't from the intensity.

It was just because it was that hot and just the sun beating beating down you and no no way to like cool down it's it's crazy and uh the uk also is getting it pretty bad because the uk they're not used to extreme heat let's make fun of them for how low they think hot is

38 centigrade oh no i love that online debate where people who live in places where it's the fucking desert are like that's not hot Well, yeah, it is.

If you live in the UK, you don't have air conditioning.

It's like, Jesus.

Yeah, they don't have air conditioning.

That's the thing is like they have no air conditioning because they don't, they have not needed it except for a few times out of the year.

But, you know, nowadays, it's not even just like a hey, you just gotta tough it out.

No, heat is shockingly deadly.

Surprisingly deadly.

Cold can be too, I hear.

Cold also, surprisingly deadly.

Humans are wimps.

What can we do?

Big wimps over here.

Gotta have air conditioning to wimpy humans.

Oh,

it's below freezing.

Oh, no, my toes.

Oh, no.

The water in your body is turning solid.

Oh, no.

It's so cool.

Take that, world.

How many points did I earn for mocking them, Wynne?

They'll give you two mocking points.

I was mocking first.

I was.

Well, I was mocking second.

I don't know when I was mocking.

Was I mocking first?

You kind of were mocking first, but I was mocking better.

All right, Mark, you get three mocking points.

Whoa!

I was mocking first.

You just agreed that Mark was.

What the f- I disagree now.

Not that it affects me personally.

I disagree.

Going for the eating score.

What is that can of?

Oh, it's just a waterloo that's like fancier.

Oh, yeah, it's just like crazy colors.

No, it'll never focus.

It's Guy Fiori's Flavor Town Waterloo.

Oh, nice.

It tastes like water is the thing.

So it is hot.

Mark, did you already give us an update?

It was just Bob's, right?

Yeah, I just talked a lot about weather because I'm old now.

Yeah, I'm not talking about anything.

Are you going to?

Do you want to?

Is it my turn?

I don't know.

I guess.

I could just keep talking.

I got food in my mouth.

Come on.

Give me a chance here.

Well, I got a quick one.

This is a sad one, but I learned this and I just want to say I love this person.

I don't get too connected to celebrities.

And so, like, a lot of people will get very upset if celebrities pass away or whatever.

This one was just surprising to me.

I generally really like Anne Burrell.

I watched Worst Cooks in America.

I like her as like a guest host on shows on Food Network.

She passed away unexpectedly recently.

And just like literally, she like was did an improv show.

She was part of like an improv class at, I think it was Second City in New York or something.

She like did an improv show with her group and then went home that night and everything seemed fine.

And then she just passed away unexpectedly.

I don't know if more details have come out when this episode airs versus when we're recording it, but she's awesome.

I always liked Anne Burrell.

That's disappointing.

Well, that's sad.

That is sad.

As far as me and my life goes, my mom is coming into town.

You sound so happy.

Is this equally as sad?

It's a funny thing.

It's a funny thing.

You know, my birthday, right?

Oh, yeah.

By the time it's come out, it's so funny.

My mom, I love her.

She's my mom, of course.

But she's super obsessed about the books that she's writing, has written, and has rewritten and wanting to get published.

And a long time ago, like, she wrote it.

And I was like, I would love to make a documentary about this.

And I think that might be the vehicle for you, you wrote this story, but you know, it needs, you know, it's not quite.

English is not her native language.

I'm not saying it's poorly written, but it's hard for her to translate her speaking ability, which is very good, into writing sometimes because it's a different skill set.

Long story short, that was years ago.

And I was like, I'll make a documentary.

And then I did that.

That was Mark Blair from North Korea.

Did that to sell her story and try to make money.

And now she's very much like Ben Adamet, like, get this book published.

And I've been super slammed by the movie that I haven't been able to.

So she's coming to visit to corner me to to get to publish her book.

Slash for my birthday.

So for my birthday, I get to be cornered and work on.

She's giving you the gift of publishing her book with her.

And it's like, I'm,

it's lovely that she's coming to visit, but this, this one visit is very not transparent at all.

This one is, it's very obvious what this one's for.

It's to work on the book.

And I'm happy to do that because I have put it off and I've meant to do it for a while and she wants it sold.

So I want to tell everyone that my mom's book is is on the way.

We're going to have a roundtable about it to talk plan.

I'm going to get Ben over there.

I'm going to drag Ben in the room, plop him down, and he's going to do the manager thing.

Like, this book's going to be great.

It's going to be amazing.

And here's how we're going to do it.

And he'll outline the plan, and everything will be great.

What's coming first, the book or our merch?

Ooh, they're completely separate things, man.

Why you gotta be so jealous, man?

Tone the jealousy down.

How are you gonna back burner us, Mark?

It's my birthday, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's your birthday.

Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, who cares?

Answer the question.

Which one's coming first?

You can always trust Wade to circle it back to what's in it for him.

Yeah, let's get to the core of this.

The merch, the merch will be first.

All right, what's coming first?

The merch or your movie?

The merch, the merch, the merch will be first.

Yeah, I'm just going to call him out like that.

Shake your head.

I'm doing literally all of it, you know?

What are you doing, Wade?

I'm marking down points, bud.

Yeah, okay, all right, yeah, all right.

How many points I get for all the work?

I gave three points to Mama Plier just now.

Does Mark get any of those?

Or is that just...

He got some amount of points written here.

Oh, okay.

Shut up, my mouth.

I'll check it out.

I know what you're eating, Mark, because you showed it.

And when you started making crunching sounds, I literally smelled the white cheddar Cheez-It dust.

Like, instinctively, I was just like...

Molly likes the extra toasty cheddar ones.

I love those things.

Extra toasty, also good.

I like normal, boring Cheez-Its because I'm me.

You're a normal, boring Cheez-It.

I kind of am.

That's not entirely false.

All right.

If I've done my maths correctly, and there's at least a 37.962% chance I did not today

in the good old U.S.

survey is the 4th of July.

Woo!

4th of July, Independence Day.

Woo-hoo!

Yeah, America.

I really hope it's not, but I think you're right.

It wasn't or will be.

Woo!

Fourth of July.

All right.

37.962%.

It's not, but all right.

Oh,

say.

Okay, anyway.

Oh my God, he's right.

There was barely a 60% chance of that happening.

Just to brainstorm, this isn't even for points, but when you think of America, name like, I don't know, three things apiece that just you think of.

Scorn.

Hang on, I gotta sneeze coming.

Sneezing.

How's he sneezing?

Sneezing is a big one for me.

Sneezing.

Purple corn majesty.

From corn to shining corn.

Lots of corn and sneezing.

Rocky mountains.

Rocky mountains and corn.

Corn mountains.

Don't walk alone in the Appalachian.

If you hear your name in the Appalachian, don't answer it.

Okay, creepy mountains.

Rocky mountains, creepy mountains, corn.

We got the rocky from Rocky Mountains to creepy mountains.

Somehow, corn is the closest to what I'm going for, but I don't know why.

Beer.

Football.

Okay.

Baseball.

Yeah, I guess.

Military might.

Military dominance.

Yeah, Fourth of July is all about fireworks and big booms.

We love our big booms.

Big booms, big booms.

But with big booms come big poos, which is why corn was close.

Today we're talking about toilets.

Happy 4th of July!

Of all the titles from the last episode that you could have talked from, why has it gotta be toilet trouble or whatever it was?

Let me tell you the one that inspired this.

It was shirts off, gloves on.

There was a toilet title.

What would have been a toilet one?

I'm going for shirts off, gloves on because I didn't write down the toilet title.

It was like toilets in triumph.

It was like...

It was a good title.

Wish I'd written it down.

All right.

Gloves off, shirts on, shirts on, gloves off.

What was it?

Shirts off, gloves on, or toilets, triumphs.

Either way, it's the 4th of July.

And what we're going to do is we're going to design different toilets for different things.

All of them involve pooping and peeing.

What else can you do?

While you're sitting there, your hands are usually pretty free.

So, you know what?

We're going to design some great toilets so we can multitask.

This is America.

Is that what you think of when you think of America?

Multitasking?

I think of a lot of shit.

All right, I can't fold that.

I don't think the toilet design needs a lot of refinement.

No, no, not the toilet.

The room.

Oh, okay.

We're making our poo rooms multitaskable for different things.

We can't, like, maybe you guys come up with a Swiss Army knife design that does a whole bunch, but, like, I'm thinking you have, like, for example, your wood workshop toilet where you can have your saw bench that comes in over top, like when you put a baby in a high chair and it's got this little table.

But for sawing wood while you saw logs.

You mean the baby changing stations in the bathroom, yeah, but for woodwork.

I gotta be honest, I don't know if I'd want to be doing woodwork with my pants down because sawdust already gets everywhere, even if you have a tucked-in shirt.

This is Merica.

Quit thinking Ohio and start thinking Florida man.

Okay, what would Florida man want in their toilet?

Okay, this is the 4th of July.

This isn't a day for making good decisions.

A sharps container?

Sharps?

For performing surgery, or is this just you after you're done?

A sharps container is how you dispose of sharps.

It's a kind of container you can safely put needles.

Well, yeah, I'm assuming if you have it in the bathroom, you used it in the bathroom.

Sure.

Yeah, well, we're multitasking, are we not?

We are.

We are.

This is in America.

You said Florida.

I like where you're going.

I'm just trying to figure out what leads to putting things into the sharps container.

What are you doing?

Drugs!

Okay.

What else?

Oh, they're going to put their their insulin in in the bathroom for multitasking responsibly to manage their blood glucose level i don't think i don't think so manage their blood heroin level you know what i mean i don't know maybe they're performing surgery while they're pooping like maybe the doctor like is like oh this eight-hour heart surgery guys move the patient i've got to keep working but i had tacos for lunch hit them in the baby changing table come on quick

What if there was just a hole in the wall and the doctor went to poop and they slid the patient in so they could keep going?

I forgot the button.

The buckle's broken on the strap on this one.

Nurse, you're going to need to hold him up and make sure he doesn't flop off onto the floor.

Well, I deuce.

I like where this is going.

But remember, left-hand sterile, right-hand wipe.

Okay?

Let's keep these things straight.

Don't get them mixed up.

Wait, would the doctor have another hole in the wall for someone to wipe?

Like, scalpel, toilet paper.

I don't know why it only has to be holes that an arm can fit through and not like a window, but I love it.

Just holes at different levels, you know, not glory holes.

Nothing is automated, it's just holes that people can reach through.

You just have to have a staff of people who help you with your bathroom multitasking.

All right, I get where you're coming from, Wade.

I think we're going to knock this out of the park, America style.

We've got the drugs/slash/surgery toilet set up.

You know what kind of toilet setup I feel like is American and we need you.

Spend all day on the 4th of July drinking beers and shoving down hot dogs and steaks and whatever, grilling food, just like the founding fathers wanted.

But then when it starts to get dark out, right, when you got the meat sweats and you really need to be sitting on the toilet, it's also time for fireworks.

So I feel like we need to construct an out, like an indoor, outdoor lower half bathroom, upper half fireworks platform type of deal where you can be on the toilet disposing of your freedom that you ingested throughout the beginning of the day, but you can also be entertaining slash terrorizing your neighborhood with delightful fireworks displays.

It's true.

Would it be extra combustible if you like fart?

Well, I think there's sort of a, it's like a bottom, like waist down concealment, and I think it's like a negative pressure.

So the vent is sucking all of the gases and everything out.

So like it would be safe.

Plus, if you, if anything went off in your hand, your bottom half is totally safe from damage.

You're definitely losing some fingers, but you're you're way more protected than if you're like crouched over a firework trying to light it and whatever.

And it goes off in your hands.

I don't know why when you say enclosed, what I picture is in Dragon Ball Z when Frieza is in first form has that little pod he like flies around in.

That is definitely his toilet.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm imagining the toilet, but with like Frieza lighting off fireworks while sitting in that pod.

That's all Frieza was trying to do when he blew up the planet there.

He was just like, I'm going to celebrate.

It's 4th of July, but Super Saiyan land.

And then it just blew up.

It's on those vaults.

Yeah.

No, it's definitely, he was definitely sitting.

It's definitely a toilet.

All right.

I got one.

So everyone in America knows that you can't wipe after you're done because touching your own butt, that's pretty gay.

We don't want that.

But you know what can counteract that?

Is if you have power tools involved, right?

So instead of a flusher, you have a drill handle.

A Ryobi toilet setup.

Yes, a Ryobi toilet.

And instead of a bidet, because that's even worse.

That's like French or something.

And then you have a spin brush with like metal grill cleaning bristles and it extends.

And then you pull the trigger.

And you just get so clean.

And then your power tools are there.

So you got, and it's organizing.

And then you get to use them for good purpose because I bought a bunch and I never use them.

I gave you a point for power toilet straight white guy edition.

I like that.

I like the Ryobi themed bat.

It's all just the green everywhere, green and black.

You could have the Ryobi speed table set up in front of you as a little workstation slash desk slash worktop bench thing.

You know, I realized, though, it has to be what Power Tool brand is blue.

Cobalt?

Cobalt, right?

So it has to be cobalt because you get the blue cobalt, the white porcelain, and then red after you use the spin brush.

So you got red, white, and blue.

The red splatters off the spin brush.

Splatters after you're done brushing.

It's not wiping, it's brushing.

It's a red, white, and blue.

Can't be more patriotic than that.

Is there any kind of like

I don't know the alternative to toothpaste that I'm trying to think of?

Butt paste?

You talking butt paste?

You talking butt paste?

White paste?

Is there some butt paste that you use on the brush?

Lube?

No, lube.

That's.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Lubricant.

Talking WD-40.

Like, like garage door spraying lubricant, you know, like

uh like some like some aerosolized powdered graphite lubricant.

Oh, grease, you talk about grease, you got grease up to his gears.

No, I got it, I got another one already.

I'm ready to go.

Oh my god, all right, I'm falling behind.

Yeah, you got your your uh truck toilet edition, you your megathrone.

So when you're you're you're not only able to go to work, it's a toilet, but then it's got an extended rolling coal button so that when you flush, it not only shoots uh exhaust out the top, it shoots your your patriotic shit out the back and blasts that prius behind you they call that rolling bowl rolling bowl

because you eject the contents of your bowl patriotically exactly

this is your trucker toilet your your 18-wheeler it was like the squid power-up for mario kart spun out and everything all right this is more of a this is more of a a civil engineering feat why are we rolling dice what's happening Nothing.

Go on.

What were you saying, bro?

All right, this is more of a this is like more of a group thing, but what is more American than sports games?

Am I right?

Could be football, could be baseball, could be this could apply to all stadiums where you might see any sort of sports, indoor or outdoor.

Why aren't stadium seats just toilets?

Like the Romans of old.

Like the ancient Greek bathhouse, everything was cool and you could shit, sit next to your bro while you talked out some philosophy or watched a little sporting event, maybe a little wrestling.

Why are we because in the stadium, one of the biggest problems is you like, oh, it's between innings.

Oh,

it's halftime.

Oh, I got to go to the bathroom.

There's a line at the bathroom because everyone's trying to use the bathroom all at once.

Get rid of those bathroom spaces, turn that into another way to get beer or spend money on the, you know, team stuff, and just make every seat a bathroom.

And then the nicer seats could maybe maybe like, maybe there's tiers.

Like some of them are more like portogons.

They're just big bleachers over a big pit.

So you, you know, there's a stench there.

But then the nicer seats are like water, like nor, you know, like

what's that called?

Plumbed?

Plumbed?

They're plumbed?

You ever use a plumb toilet?

Plumbed with water.

You know that Japanese restaurant thing where they let noodles flow down the river and you grab your noodles out of there?

Calling that, but you know, it's both the food delivery and the waste excavation.

But then the nice, the nice toilet, like down down you know behind home plate is like you got massaging seats oh if i was just massaging toilet just the toilet's like why isn't there a massaging toilet that's also a great idea yeah it could help it could help you know if you ever get if you eat too many steaks and you get stopped up you do a little massage toilet action and it'll you know then you can eat more steaks Oh, you have a toilet that has a grill top on the back so you can sit the correct way, which is facing the wall, right?

Everyone knows this.

You have your tabletop tabletop to grill your steak.

So as soon as you're empty, you start pounding it back in.

Nothing more American than that.

Yeah.

I like the grill toilet.

We can explore that more in one second, but I got to ask, the stadium toilet, how much of a gamble does that make the wave going off?

You do what you got to do.

If you can't hold it in just to do the wave for a quick 10 seconds, then it probably you should be showed out anyway.

Because probably you're too drunk.

I'm assuming, like, what if you're just mid-long and people are like, hey, let's do the wave.

And it's like, what do I do?

You clench and you grip it?

And then you just give it the quick, like,

and then make sure you hang on to that bad boy.

Mother, why does that man have a tail?

Wait, why am I...

Yeah.

America.

Mother, my first baseball game.

What is going on?

My bad, my bad.

This is disgusting.

It sure is.

Again, again,

I'm always shocked how many episodes we've done that are just talking about poop the whole time.

What do you mean?

Shirts off,

toilets on.

What the fuck is this one called?

Something like that.

I don't know, man.

It's your episode.

I'm just participating.

Grill toilet.

Sounds very unsanitary.

Do we all concede that facing the wall is the correct way to?

I feel like we just let that one go.

Oh, I didn't even think we were going to talk about that.

I thought that was presumed.

How do you go?

What, you look out?

You sit forward on the toilet like a nerd?

I didn't know you were supposed to sit.

I don't respect that.

I have no respect for that whatsoever.

Well, you should.

I'm the host.

That's horrendous.

No, I don't have respect for that either.

Okay, what if we don't need a toilet at all?

What if the toilet is with us?

You know how houses have those, some have the holes in the wall that lead to a central vacuum, right?

Modify it.

Central, central, central toilet.

Central toilet.

So you're always, wherever room you're in, you just grab the hose.

Oh, no.

I'm saved.

Okay, I missed the beauty.

This is like central air, but central central toilet.

No, have you ever seen a central vacuum?

It's like there in each room, there's like a hole, and you can just plug in a vacuum and it'll vacuum.

I love that.

Then you just need like a special, you need like a special kind of boxers to where the central toilet line has a water-in feature and then a water-out.

So it like just

sloshes it all around in there.

Yeah, but we can't call it a bidet.

Americans will call it.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

It's a water park.

Ooh.

Nothing more American than that.

It needs to have the word

a jet in it and a number of some sort, like the

under jet 9500 or something, right?

Like the oil change 2000.

The oil changer.

We have truck, truck, truck.

Never mind.

Truck, truck.

Leave it to us, Wade.

Leave it to us.

Yep, my bad.

I tried to make a comment.

I'm the host.

You guys got the funny.

I got the stupid.

I'm going to circle back.

We've kind of covered this, but this is a different approach to it.

Beer.

Getting more beer can be an inconvenience.

You have to find the cooler.

You have to find a keg, have someone fill it up or whatever.

Like, it can be an inconvenience, right?

What you do is start it off, start off the party, start off the festivities, getting yourself absolutely topped up on liquid.

So your body is almost more beer than anything else.

Then you put on my very specially designed mobile cup, which has a drain which loops around like a camelback up onto a strap that holds it right up on your shoulder.

And then, once you're topped up on beer, you just keep that bad boy recycling.

You don't have to find a refill, you have a refill, and you fill it, but you fill it back up yourself.

You don't make a mess, you don't have to worry about like leaking or getting caught by surprise.

You need to run to a bathroom, and you don't ever need to get a refill.

This is like a displacement thing where the amount of stuff you produce determines how much you get back.

It's just like recycling, you know?

It's the Fremen still suit that they had.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, it becomes the beer.

I was thinking.

Oh, it ferments on the way back.

You're drinking your own piss.

Let's be clear.

You're drinking your own piss.

It's just a hose that puts your own piss back up into your own mouth.

But you drink, you start by drinking so much beer that your piss is basically just beer.

It's just beer, beer, beer.

And if you ever get low, maybe find a refill or whatever.

But like.

So you have a sensor that warns you if your blood alcohol level gets too low, not too high.

It's like this is gonna taste bad.

This is gonna taste bad.

It's it's it's simple and it's really more of a device that you wear around and carry, but I would say that qualifies as a toilet.

It does, it's a number, it's a number ones only solution.

I wasn't thinking of portability, I was just thinking of a static toilet, but portable moving toilet beer.

That day, it's like a beer hat, but it's a beer cup, which is very manly.

There's nothing more American than cryptocurrencies,

and there's nothing more unique than your own poop.

You

takes a picture of it and it creates an NFT and it puts it on the blockchain.

Forever yours.

And you can trade it with other people, but only while they're on the toilet.

Dude, are you in poop lobs yet?

How many poop lobs do you have?

Oh, dude, I have so many poop lobs.

Wait, what's a crip poo toilet or a rug pool?

What would the rug pool be called if it's a toilet?

Rug poo?

Rug poo.

Oh, God, what is this?

What have we become?

This is funny.

This is why I don't win very often.

I equivalent my ear infections.

I read the first thing I wrote down on my document.

I'm like, oh, toilets.

Let's do it.

We're going to sneak into his house and just either delete that document or put in other ideas.

Like, I really wonder what this looks like if it's just one word on a word document.

It's just a madman's notes about a conspiracy to end the world.

Okay, I will read you my list.

Spoiler alert here.

I'll read you my list, just so you know.

I like how you're so confident this isn't going to spoil anything.

I've got worst jobs to bring your kid to work to, aliens update, moist, don't know, didn't listen to the rest of what Bob said, mind control, pasta, dumpster dads, shirts off, gloves on, toilets, question mark.

So you read shirts off, gloves on, which was at the very bottom of of your list, and got to toilets for the 4th of July.

Yeah, it was the first one I saw.

It was the most eye-level one.

Oh, I see.

I see.

What is more American than voting?

We have a problem in this country.

Some people think they don't need to vote.

Some people think it doesn't matter.

It does matter.

You need to make sure your vote is cast.

And what better way to get people to show up to the polls than to convert all voting booths into voting bathrooms.

It's for some reason not a national holiday.

It's really hard to get off work.

It's a lot of time to get over to your polling station.

If there's a bathroom there, it's a justifiable break.

I just need to hit the head.

Don't worry.

I'll be back to work shortly.

I just need to go drain the old sea lion.

That's the thing those are called, right?

Oh, I know.

Okay, all right, okay.

I just need to go drain the old sea lion.

And while you're doing it, make sure you cast those votes because there are elections even in years when we're not voting for a president.

And I feel like people don't pay attention to those enough, but they're out there.

And you should, this would really, this would up the total polls turnout.

This would make voting, you know, there's, it's multitasking, very American.

You could integrate other of our designs into this so that there's more.

And maybe you put grill toilets in the voting booths so you can have a steak and a shit and a vote.

I don't know.

It's versions.

There's ways.

Maybe it's regional.

Maybe, you know, it depends.

Depends what your people like.

You have different kinds.

I thought you said boating at first.

Voting, very American.

Boating, not American at all.

Pretty sure boats were invented by the Spanish.

I'm pretty sure Americans invented that.

That's how they got over here on the

playground.

Was that the first vote roll?

The nurse's office, the playground, and the cafeteria?

Christopher Columbus's three ships?

Is that what we're talking about?

Yeah, whenever he left America, was founded Europe and came back.

It was like, yeah, fuck that place.

Yeah, what was the name of that rock wade?

I can't remember.

What was it?

Oh, Playground Stone.

Playground?

What?

Playground stone.

Playground Stone.

It's crazy that the rock was named the same thing as one of his boats.

Came over on the April flower because it was the Superior month.

Oh, okay.

So he does know the answer.

Of course, I know about the Mayflower and Plymouth Prowler.

So we all know there's nothing more American than guns.

And what better way to combine the two by having a gun?

Do you want a shit?

It's not a toilet.

No, it's a gun.

One big fucking gun.

Wait, hold on.

I like this idea.

Your shit loads the gun, and when you flush, it's the trigger to fire.

Yep, that's it.

Now you got it.

That's you better you better fucking get out of the way when you flush that bad boy.

You don't want to accidentally flush it while you're sitting on it.

Oh man.

You know those old pull chain toilets?

Well, we modified one of them.

The top's filled with gunpowder and you just

it's like a it's like a cannon.

You stand up and you like sight it in.

You're like, fire!

Just the wall is still, it's just a normal bathroom.

The wall just explodes with your own shit everywhere.

It's for people who live off the grid, very American, but they don't have a septic system, right?

They're not tied to the sewers.

So they aim at the sewage treatment plant and they fire it over the hills.

We call them sovereign citizens.

That's the one.

I do hate my ideas every now and then, you know?

Every now and then.

That's a good instinct.

Look at him rolling his dice.

Just stalling, rolling the dice.

Nothing's coming.

Every time he rolls the dice, he's like, God, I hope I think of what this means by the end of the episode.

Oh, God.

All right.

I've got it written here.

I've got each roll of them marked.

What is more American than conspiracy theories?

Oh.

This is, I will say, this is a little bit piggybacking off of Mark's idea.

But

this is a particular kind of canon-type toilet that you can use to counteract one of the biggest conspiracies in our country, which, of course, is contrails.

Airplanes are leaving these trails.

Physics can't possibly describe why they exist.

I dare any physicists to convince me, which I will never believe anything they say anyway, by default.

that that it's anything other than chemicals being put into the air or uh weather manipulation anyway every time you take a shit, you load this cannon, and the cannon is just poison ready, aimed up at the sky, and you wait until you see one of those planes leaving those trails over your sovereign citizen homestead.

It locks onto the airplane, and

your shit coats the plane, maybe takes it out of the sky, maybe just turns off the weather manipulation, you know.

the chemical dispersion system, whatever.

Just foil those plots.

Just don't don't let them get away with it.

What could be more American than fighting for your rights against the man, against them, the weather controllers?

Forth of Pooh Lie episode title.

I thought it was shirts off, gloves on.

It makes so much sense.

It was, but come on.

Forth of Pooh Lai is pretty good.

What's more American than supporting our troops?

You know,

every time you go to the bathroom, it'll box it up along with an American flag.

I thought there would be like war bonds or something.

Nope.

It'll mail it straight to a soldier on the front lines so that when they open, they get a little smell of home.

Uh-huh.

What's more American than owing taxes to your government?

but having to guess how much they are.

This toilet is like, it's almost like a game game show, which is another hyper-American thing.

Every time you use it, there's a tax.

There's a tax.

You got to tax it.

You got to tax the people.

We are represented, so we are taxed.

That's the bargain we struck.

Okay, hold on.

Turpoo tax or turdbow tax?

Probably turdbow tax.

I had to pick.

Anyway, every time you use it, you are taxed an amount.

We call it the dump tax, which is confusing because there's also the dump tax for when you take things to the dump, the garbage dump.

But this is the other kind of dump.

It's all part of the system.

It's meant to be as confusing as possible because then you have to use TurboTax to help you file your toilet taxes.

But it's just a random amount and you have no idea.

It's just some percentage of some number, both of which are made up.

Then once a year, they're like, oh, you better pay us.

And you're like, wait, how much?

And they're like, you better pay it.

You better hurry up.

You want to get your refund, don't you?

No, no, I don't want my refund.

No, please.

We could direct deposit it right up inside you.

It's like a guy drives by with a truck and a hose.

Get it right back.

I thought at first you were going to say you had to predict how much you were going to poop and then divvy it off, poop in different buckets.

And if you get it wrong, you go straight to jail.

Wade, we don't have any other prompt here, any other kind of.

Yeah, this is what you want.

This is it.

You guys are doing great.

If you have something else you want to add, I mean.

What's more American than denying Puerto Rico its statehood?

We, every time you you go to the toilet,

go on, every time you go to the toilet, takes away a roll of toilet paper from Puerto Rico, puts it right in your bathroom instantaneously.

Also, it steals half a roll from Washington, D.C.

Wow.

All right, that'll be an F-U-P-R point because I'm running out of space.

So just know that F-U-P-R is fuck you, Puerto Rico.

Oh, good.

Okay, Mark.

Good.

Excellent.

Dude, people, I want to say this very clearly: because there's a lot of people that don't understand the people from Puerto Rico are American citizens.

But they're

territory, which means they don't get representation in the federal government, but they are subject to it.

And they're taxed.

Interesting.

Interesting how that all plays out.

Good thing there's nothing about taxation without representation.

No, that doesn't sound familiar.

That doesn't sound right.

I don't know.

Sounds stupid.

We're getting awfully treasonous here.

This is a pro-America episode.

It's our 4th of July.

Pooh Lai.

Fuck.

What is more American than literally shitting on Ohio?

Everybody knows Ohio is a joke state.

Our neighbors all know it, but people on the West Coast know it.

People in the South know it.

Everybody knows Ohio is the joke.

So this toilet just funnels.

all your shit.

All your solid waste is separated from your liquid waste.

Just the shit.

Funneled into one massive transcontinental pipeline and consolidated into a thing that just rains all the shit down on Ohio.

Nothing could be more American than shitting on Ohio.

Very fertile.

Helps the farming a lot, probably.

And that's where the corn comes from.

I got one more roll, and I think I'm calling this one.

What's more American than unfulfilled promises?

This toilet, it has so many features.

It'll wipe your ass for you.

It'll hold your money.

It'll do your taxes.

It'll balance your checkbook, it'll do all of this.

But then, when it gets to your house, it doesn't do any of that, doesn't even flush.

I missed a good portion of that because I was writing, and then it gerrymanders the edge of your bathroom into your living room.

I got nothing else

out.

That's good, that's good.

I've got to write down a lot of points.

I've written down a lot of points here.

There's a lot written here.

Okay, I feel like I hope I don't win this one, but also I hope it ends.

Just wait till you see how this one ends.

I've been rolling some dice and they do come into play.

Oh, we know.

We know they do.

It's clear how they do and will and already am have are.

Mark, you have points.

Four.

Mocking.

Mama Plier.

Happy early.

And by the time this air's belated birthday, Gitter Book, Sharps and Drugs, 18 Wheeler.

Power Toilet.

Straight White Guy Edition.

Grill Toilet.

Face the Wall.

Central Toilet.

Cry Pooh Currency.

Pooh to a Soldier.

FU, Puerto Rico.

Gurnmander.

Oh, gerrymandering.

And Gun Toilet.

Not my grandma's funeral.

Bob, you got points for mocking.

Hot.

Anne Burrell.

Rolling Bowl.

Fireworks.

Massage.

Tadwiener, no, stadium, stadiums, Tadwieners, got it,

beer refill, voting bathroom, turdbow tax, OH, IO,

conspiracies, chemtrails.

I think I read all of them.

Mama Player got three IDK points.

Really felt like Mark got a lot of points for almost everything he said there.

I rolled this dice.

nine times at either awkward moments, moments where you guys mentioned a number, or whatever I I felt like rolling.

Those are my criteria.

Okay, I like those rules.

A number of those rolls were odd.

A number of those rolls are even.

You guys get to pick whether you add the odds or the evens.

Not the totals, but just the number of times I rolled either to your point total.

Bob.

Odds.

You would like odds.

Yeah, stick with odds.

Odds.

Can I also pick odds?

Yeah.

You can.

That would be the strategy, right?

No, I'm not going to do that.

I won't do that.

I'll do evens.

I'll do evens.

What's more American than copying your friend's homework and getting an A-plus?

If you wanted odds, we could talk.

I'll take evens.

I'm going with fate.

That's probably the wise choice.

For wheels, what I'm adding is the one, two, counterclockwise from this.

Oh,

interesting.

Oh, okay.

I see.

So we have to do the how many wheels first?

What are the odds we get three again, huh?

That'd be impressive.

That's probably going to happen, right?

Ah?

Almost.

Two's good.

Two's pretty good.

Two's not bad.

Okay.

Two's good.

I'll tell you before we roll what ends up popping up.

If it ends up being a tie, it'll be really funny because right now, I rolled one of the numbers seven times and the other only two, which drastically could have changed the score.

I think I know what's on.

So I'm glad you guys picked different ones.

All right.

Well, we got two wheel spins here.

Let's see what we get.

Come on, Ain, come on.

Dropped the most items.

Is that me from dropping my dice?

But that was intense.

I was throwing the dice.

I've been fidgeting with this the whole time, and I've dropped it several times.

I've dropped these cheeses down my gullet.

All right, Bob, you get that.

All right.

All right, one more spin.

Best comeback.

I guess it's whoever picked the number that

the right one.

Yeah.

Is this based purely on points?

Or I don't remember what best comeback was put on here for.

It's like whoever had, I guess, best like second half performance or something like that.

Is that what it is?

Or like a

snappy, snappy comebacks.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I can't think of one.

This might be a respin.

You're allowed to call that.

This was pretty back and forth.

I would say respin because I don't know how I would assign that.

Respin.

Least points.

All right.

Well, Wade is the only one who knows that one.

I don't know where this is going to land up.

My dice rolls were as follows: eight, nineteen, twelve, two, eleven, six, two, eight, twelve.

Uh-oh.

Are we supposed to remember these?

There were seven evens and two odds.

Oh, okay.

I was not paying attention.

I totally forgot.

Went right over my head.

Mark ended up going with evens, uh-oh, which gave him a total of 24 points when added on.

Holy shit.

Jesus.

Bob went with odds, but got the two bonus points, which gave him a total of 18 at the end.

Mark, you win by six.

Holy shit.

God.

God damn.

You should have picked Demons, man.

Well, fuck.

Yeah.

If you had accepted when Bob offered to swap, he would have had the win.

I know, I know, man.

And only by one, too.

That's really great.

Damn.

Well, I don't know if he would have.

Yeah, I think he still would have won.

Yeah.

If I would have been the lowest point, it would have been a tie.

It would have been interesting.

I think you were up by two or three points because there were a couple times where you like gave off two or three in a row before Bob went again.

Like you just spattered some ideas in there.

Quantity over quality.

That's what I always say.

It's easier for quantity when I do points.

Well, I hope you have some good ideas, Mark, because winner speech.

I'm going to get the perfected crime.

I'll get it.

The perfect durist crime, baby.

Nothing more American than winning, am I right?

So I gotta say, I feel very American.

Go me, go.

I gotta go on the doilist after this.

Well said.

Thank you.

I put out out all my creativity in the episode.

I don't know what it was doing for me.

This was definitely one that people will remember as my best for years to come.

Bob, second placer speech.

Today's loser speech is brought to you by Venmo.

So you've probably heard of Venmo, but did you know that Venmo is for more than paying your friends back?

With the Venmo debit card, you could spend your balance in so many ways.

You can Venmo this, Venmo that, and everything.

Sadly, for me, I cannot Venmo my way out of losing today's episode.

I had a great time in this episode.

I performed very well.

I really, Mark put up a good fight, but I really outclassed him.

And it feels great to come out on top.

You know, can't wait to host the next one.

It's been good being a competitor.

It's going to be even better being the host.

I'm going to be the best host you've ever seen.

So get ready for that.

Everyone, stay excited.

Thank you.

I deserve this.

Once again, today's loser speech was brought to you by Venmo.

Whatever your thing is, you can pay for it with the Venmo debit card.

Visit venmo.me slash debit to learn more.

That's venmo.m-e slash d-e-b-i-t.

Venmo purchase restrictions apply.

The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank NA pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated.

Card may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted.

Hafi 455 everyone.

Thank you all for watching and or listening.

If you want more of us for whatever reason, you can find Mark, our winner, at MarkApplier.

Bob, who's also a winner at MySkirm.

Me, definitely a loser for having hosted this Minion 77 or Lord Minion 777.

Look forward to Mom Applier's book coming sometime to a store somewhere near you or online.

Merch sometime, probably maybe now.

Who knows?

Until then, podcast.

Ouch.

Little left-handed salute.

My right hand was busy.

I will not go further into the line.

Nothing more American than that.