I Miss The Old Distractible

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This episode of Distractible is presented by Vitamin Water.

Some drinks are fun, some are functional, but vitamin Water said, why not both?

There is nothing more refreshing than like a nice vitamin water, ice cold sip in the heat.

I only drink zero sugar drinks, so of course I'm a fan of the zero-sugar rehydrate pineapple passion fruit.

I'm a big pineapple guy.

Pineapple good.

Born in New York City, bill for people who work hard and play hard.

Grab a vitamin water today.

Copyright 2025 Glasso.

Vitamin Water is a a registered trademark of Glasso.

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destractible.

This episode, Mawkish Mark sanctions a hand job, survives sign of suffering, hallucinates, then returns to roots.

Wafy Wade busts for cherry, bends the knee, drops deep destructible lore, and becomes a beer.

Bulky Bob screws wood hard, digs dungeon crawler, sea sleeps, and snakes out.

From scat backlash to panic points.

Yes.

It's time for...

I miss the old distractible.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello, gentle listeners.

Welcome back to Distractible.

This is going to be an episode of all time.

I can tell.

We are at our A-game.

And by we, I mean me.

And by me, I mean all of us.

Because we are one big happy family.

You being here is the greatest joy any of us could ever have in our lives.

Forget all of our good things that are in our existence.

This moment, this heartbeating time where you and us are here together could not be better.

Bob and Wade, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the fans.

Oh, okay.

All right.

We are here out of contractual obligation.

Well, ain't that the truth?

Let's be very clear.

But that doesn't mean that it can't be enjoyable.

You know, just because you got a prison sentence doesn't mean you can't have fun while you're in the quink.

You know, I'm going to come out of Distractible so ripped.

We're just going to do push-ups all episode, every episode.

I want to see the side-by-side when we first launched.

We're like, we just wanted to hang out, spend time together.

We just really enjoy each other's company.

And then we are here only because of contractual obligation.

Our hands are tied.

It's a prison sentence.

We want out, but we're here.

And nobody said that we want out.

They just, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I don't want anything except, oh god, I'm in violation.

Oh, you better find a writing pad.

Oh, what the fuck?

I'm in violation.

I gotta throw out here, too, that if you're worried about this being a bad episode, it's coming after the episode called Fourth of Pooh Lai that didn't even come out on the 4th of July.

So we already kind of were at rock bottom with my episode.

When we were making it, I definitely had a couple moments where I was like, Yeah.

But man, people did not care for the Fourth of Poolei.

Tell you what.

I'm shocked.

They were way more against that than I expected.

Well, get over it.

I remember when we were talking, I'm like, man, we've talked about poop a lot in episodes before.

And I remember that.

I'd be like, this feels like too much.

And, you know, I didn't call it out in the episode.

What could be more American?

than hating something that will later be considered an all-time classic.

I thought a shitty American episode was fitting.

Got him.

I can't even remember what that episode was about.

It was about toilets and a lot of poop talk, but I honestly...

Oh, making things American.

Right.

That was it.

I remember.

Why did that mean everything was a toilet?

Let's not worry about that.

That's so long ago.

I'm sure one of you two got us derailed, made that happen that way.

It's a new episode.

It's a new day.

Yes.

And I am in so violation.

I hope the whole episode is just Bob and I talking while Mark searches frantically around his room for his notebook.

When did you last see it, bud?

I don't remember when a yesterday was.

Don't you have a tablet you use sometimes?

I think that's what he's looking for.

The notes about and for which you pulled three consecutive all-nighters, those notes?

Yes, that.

I am going to sanction.

I am in violation.

I'm going to step away.

I will allow you guys to make a handshake deal while I'm away.

One.

One.

Mark is self-regulating.

I appreciate that.

Yeah,

we'll see what happens at the end of the episode.

I think Mark is so on top of his game that our handshake deal is we agree he has to host again.

It seems like the exact opposite of anything he would want right now.

I was just going to say, I think we should make the handshake deal just that we sincerely agree to help Mark, but your idea is way funnier.

I I guess we'll see who wins and how we're feeling at the end.

Listeners, I don't know if we're going to explicitly talk about it or if we already mentioned it, but Mark doesn't have any sleep right now.

He's been doing all-nighters on important, important projects.

I don't know.

Do you want to do your idea or my idea before it gets his headphones on?

Let's surprise each other at the end, I guess.

Deal.

Hey, man.

All right.

So, handshake time is over.

That will come back to bite me, I bet.

But we'll see.

We'll see.

All right.

So, if you you don't know how this works, then wow, you stumbled into an odd episode to start with, because I'm hosting and I am sleep deprived.

What?

It's a new, it's a new record for me, but I'll talk about that later because I am more interested in how my friends are doing and what they have been up to.

I already showed you guys, and if you're a listener, I just gestured at the enormous cabinets behind myself.

I happened to find these while I was scouring the internet for a roll-top desk and immediately abandoned all notions about desks or rolling tops because these giant fucking cabinets are just the best.

But I had to put them together.

They came in, say, like 12 pieces.

This is, I have, I have an office, my office is in the basement.

So I had to get them all downstairs piece by piece, except for this countertop, which is huge and really fucking heavy.

I moved them all by myself into the basement, stacked them all up super dangerously, put some screws and nails in.

Half of them are still sticking out, but I'm really happy with it.

And now I need to like clean it.

And I'm thinking I might refinish.

This is just like laminated countertops.

So I might put like,

I don't know, something on it.

Change the color.

You know, because you can get like vinyl, right?

I'll roll a new top onto it.

That counts.

Qualifies.

I want to put like LED.

I'm just really jazzed about it because it was really fucking heavy.

And I was like, I don't know how to build things.

So I've been terrified it was going to fall over and kill me.

But I think I finally put enough screws in that I trust it to probably not collapse into a pile of grass.

I really like it.

It's gigantic.

You know, honestly, with your woodworking skills, you could try to modify it if you wanted to.

That is on my list of things.

It took a lot of work to get down here, but now I'm already like, well, maybe I'll paint it.

That means I'll have to take it all apart, bring it upstairs outside.

I like the oak.

I feel like oak's going to come back.

Got that early 2000s oak look.

Everybody's going to be into oak in a minute.

Yeah, those oak trees are just gonna

right out of the ground in droves.

I also need to, I feel like I need to rearrange my whole office and change my lighting because this little lamp looks super sad and awkward now sitting on the giant shelves.

Do you guys ever watch?

I don't know, I'm not on TikTok anymore, but I saw his videos and I really appreciated that woodworking guy that was like, a round mallet is a marmona.

But it's easy to.

Someone instantly knew who I was talking about when without you just because yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No, No, I love him.

I'm doing a terrible description of it.

You like a high grit?

I know this one.

I remember the information that he was saying, just not the words he was saying.

You know, the idea of a round mallet, you know, it's good because you can spin it in your hand with everything.

And then the other things he said, I definitely remember.

Sorry, I don't watch anything like that.

What do you watch?

I started watching Kiefer Sutherland's designated survivor series that lasted three years, like six years ago.

What is all those words you said?

Kiefer Sutherland.

The guy who was in 24 is Jack Bauer.

He was in The Lost Boys.

Kiefer Sutherland.

You don't know Jack Bower from 24?

I've never seen a single episode of 24.

No.

Oh, well, that's sad.

Anyway, he's in a show called Designated Survivor, which is about the congressional designated survivor person who's stashed away while everyone does the big meeting with the president.

That way, if there's...

Something goes horribly wrong, there's still a member of government that can become president.

And so big bomb, and then the designated survivor becomes president.

That's the show's premise.

What I did do that kind of surprised me, well, okay.

Bathrooms.

Bathrooms need cleaning.

You got to clean bathrooms a lot, right?

But sometimes you don't go all in on the cleaning with like your shower, your tub, or whatever.

You like kind of give it a once over, but it's not like the heavy grout scrub.

So I decided to do a good old grout scrub of our shower.

It took me like an hour, hour and a half to whatever, clean it out.

The next day,

or a couple days later, I decided to play basketball.

Something about the muscle use and that combined thing.

The back of my knee, I felt like someone just kicked the back of my knees repeatedly.

Because, like, walking around, my calves and thighs didn't hurt as bad as I thought they would after like squatting for an hour and a half for the cleaning and then playing basketball.

But just very specifically, the back of my knees feels like someone just beat the shit out of them.

I think

I hate to say this, Wade, as a guy who just became another year older on that unfortunate day where you instantly, boom, age.

We are getting older and i have a feeling that that might just be an age thing as opposed to what you were doing specifically i don't know i think that i i found something there's some correlation between basketball grouch scrubbing and back knee bad hurt not back knee like acne on your back but back of your knee like knee back i used to wear knee backs kneeback sounds like a slur i don't know i don't like the way that it has a bad vibe kind of i guess it does not you say it like that.

Nee Pitt.

Oh, that's like my favorite actor, you know.

Oh, knee pitt?

He was in that movie.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Is that Brad Pitt's daughter?

Nee Pitt?

The lesser known Pitt?

What a brave shortening of the full name Brittany.

Not Britt.

Not Bree.

Nee.

Otherwise, I've, I honestly, with the ear infection, I feel like I've had a week and a half to two weeks of sloth behavior.

I've just been slothing around because i couldn't wear headphones or earbuds really while i was recovering from the ear infection and it's like 99 better i was telling bob earlier that every now and then it's just like a tiny bit of slosh feeling in it but otherwise it's good no more pain or anything but i don't know the ear infection really really sucked and it was really easy to fall into just being a sloth for like a week and a half so i ain't done much Yeah, I just got over getting sick and it was like pure sinus infection.

And man, that sucked.

It, it, it took me out.

A lot of the sicknesses that I've had come from innocuous things.

Like I had my wisdom teeth taken out and then I, one of the incisions got infected.

So it's like, that's a common thing.

Um, and so, but that took me out.

Like I was couch-ridden for a week straight, could not move because of uh the head infections.

And so with the sinus one, it was the same thing.

Like I couldn't stand up for long enough to do anything.

And I was just laid out.

So thank God you're feeling a lot better today.

I am.

Books.

I don't know why that reminded me of books, but I started reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl book series a week ago, and I'm currently almost done with book three.

So, I think that lets you know

Dungeon Crawler Carl.

Very DND adjacent, but really not strictly DND or like any specific thing.

But there's like there's pop culture nerd references.

And the, I don't think this is a spoiler because this is what the first book opens with, and it's really interesting.

A guy, it's about Carl, normal guy, lives on Earth and has a cat.

Uh, it's his girlfriend's cat, but it doesn't matter.

Earth is claimed, the mining rights to Earth are claimed by an alien civilization, and they suck all the resources out.

But all surviving humans are allowed to try and make their way to the bottom of an 18-layer dungeon that is constructed by the alien race as a reality show and so the entire rest of the universe watches as humans are basically shoved into a real-life dnd style dungeon run by a completely psychopathic ai that has a foot fetish quintin tarantino allegedly it's really good

is he the ai is that what you're saying he is the ai i hear foot fetish i think all of his movies oh okay anyway couldn't recommend it enough i literally, there's like six books.

I'm in the middle.

I'm almost at the end of the third book.

After I've been reading like a book every few days consistently, it's really good.

I just read another book recently, but you guys know how I only read Warhammer 40k.

So I was telling Amy that, oh man, this new orc book came out.

I love the orc books in 40k because they're hilarious.

There's this one with an extra in the most recent one about how

orc found a guy stabbed with a staircase, and the way it was described was so fucking funny.

There's apparently another orc book that's going around.

Is it contagious?

I don't know.

People are talking about this orc book.

And I'm chronically not online, so I don't know anything that's going on.

Do you guys have you guys heard about an orc book?

I don't have my ear to the ground on 40k books.

Sorry.

No, it's not 40k.

This is not a 40k book.

Oh, it's an orc book.

It's a little bit different, just orcs.

Oh, generally.

It might be the Dungeon Crawler series because there's a lot of orc subplots, and that it that is one of the types of like races that exists and stuff.

If you like the tone of the 40k orc books, where it's like absurdist and funny, but still in that sort of universe, you would fucking love this book series.

It very much is in that sort of tone.

It's like ridiculous and absurd.

I don't know if like the new Dungeon Crawler Carl book just came out or what, because it's, I think it's still in process of coming out, I think.

So, no idea.

I'm a reader now.

I am sleep deprived, if anyone couldn't tell.

I've never pulled more all-nighters in my life.

I pulled three in a row.

It's not great.

Someone should stop me, and I can't be controlled.

And I won't tell anyone why I did it.

You don't have to know.

But it was awesome.

This sounds like a drug-fueled bender.

I did not go in a drug-fueled bender.

You were hanging out with alleged Aaron Rodgers, alleged, and just having the time of your life in a dark room.

Who's Aaron Rodgers?

You know, the football guy.

He was a Green Bay Packer, then the Jet.

Now he's a Steeler.

Very level-headed, and I don't know.

Ketamine, I have no idea.

I don't follow the Aaron Rodgers gossip.

He goes into like a dark room for like three days, and I don't know.

Anyway, I think that's photography.

So it's

whatever it is.

Goes into a dark cave and snaps a bright picture.

He's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, develop.

Oh.

Well, I did it because I was struck by.

I keep saying this.

It's not this.

I was struck by divine inspiration.

It's not this.

It's not this.

Hallucination is the word.

Probably.

I was hallucinating last night.

I swear to God, I've never really had full-on hallucinations before.

But at the this was the second night, right?

And I wasn't staying up straight.

I slept in between, but only like three hours in between each all-nighter.

So cumulatively, it was getting pretty bad.

So

I was hearing voices.

That was not normal.

I don't like when that happens.

That's not good.

And I swear to God, clear as day, 3 a.m.

I walk out to go to the bathroom.

A voice goes, female voice.

Hey, just want to let you know I'm here.

Don't,

no, no, thank you.

No, no, no, no.

It didn't sound like Amy, but my brain was like, is that Amy?

Is she up at this hour and just letting me know to not scare me?

And anytime we do, like you guys are in a relationship, anytime you try to do something to not scare your partner, you scare them even harder.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Like you try to be quiet around, you end up sneaking up on them.

Anyway, so I thought maybe, so I, I, and I was the farthest from a light switch you could possibly be, right?

I'm on the way to the bathroom, like in the middle of a hallway.

And uh, I was starting to see faces uh in things that did not have faces in them, you know, like that, that old, like early, early Google like image thing where it turned everything nightmarish, you know?

Ooh, like I believe that was one of very early

AI models doing or neural network something, putting eyes on everything.

It was horrible.

Yeah, it was kind of like that a little bit.

So, yeah, I was doing that.

But I was struck by, I haven't had this in a very long time where I was so.

I mean, I had a deadline that I had to work with in a certain window of time.

I was sick and I was trying to catch up.

But I was also simultaneously captivated and I had, I felt so creatively fulfilled.

And I really like those periods of time.

It's just like the amount of sleep that I am not getting is not nearly enough.

So that's where I am.

And that's how I am doing what I'm doing.

Sidebar.

Man, every time we say the word AI, people get really pissed.

Oh, that means even

the majority of the time that we bring it up is in a context where we're like, man, this is stupid.

What this AI system is.

It might have X use,

and maybe I use it for that purpose, but this is bad.

And people act like we're the biggest AI proponents there are.

That's eight mads that you just got.

Yeah, that's true.

You're right.

Absolutely.

But I want to say something very specifically because the same with honey.

I called this three years ago.

I was one of the first that said to you guys on this very podcast: hey, watch out.

AI is going to come and art.

It'll be able to click a button and make that thing.

It'll probably take away graphics serves.

I was one of the earliest people saying the dangers.

So you could have stopped it and you didn't.

Mark did nothing.

I was one of the first to talk, and you two were like, oh, yeah, sure.

It'll be able to record a podcast episode.

And then Google VO comes out and it's like, you're getting pinfoot vlogs.

It's so much more than we thought it would be.

And just because I'm saying, like, yeah, you know, that's kind of funny.

Everyone's like, it is funny.

That's the problem.

That's the captivating issue of it.

Is the content is funny sometimes.

And that's where the line gets bad because you're starting to look at it and be like, oh shit, I enjoy this, but you can enjoy things that may may not be good for you.

That's called addictions.

I'm not saying I'm addicted to AI.

I'm going to be so taken out of context.

I was going to do a whole podcast episode on Alan Iverson, and I was like, well, if we shorten his name at all, we're definitely screwed.

AI.

My favorite movie from 2000, whatever.

AI.

Yeah, with all, what's his name from being in the sixth sense?

What's that kid's name?

I actually really liked that movie.

Bruce Illis.

No,

it will.

Never mind.

My fucked it.

Bruce Illis.

Yep.

That's it.

Obviously, people have had complaints about that.

People may not have liked the last episode.

Whatever.

I think it's time to go back to our roots.

I think it's time for us to get in touch with who we really

were.

Look at this.

Is that a thermometer?

Is this a thermometer?

Where do you shove this in?

There's a lot of places I'd be willing to try.

All right, listeners, this is not a huge timer, but it is a baseball-sized in-my-hand timer that Wade is okay shoving inside of him in a few places.

There's at least three spots.

Name three.

Butthole, armpit, mouth.

All right, that's fair enough.

You couldn't get this in your mouth.

Try it.

Editors, put this in his mouth.

There it is.

All right.

Okay.

I am going to go back in time to our roots, and we are are going to do a super cut of all of our best, earliest episodes.

We're going to dig deep down into our past, come up with new stories that we definitely have been holding back on for those episodes.

And

I'm going to give you guys two minutes total.

Not two minutes each.

Two minutes.

We got a lot to cover, so we got to keep it to two minutes.

It's going to go round-robin.

You can't talk over each other, but it's got to be a boom, boom.

It's as fast as you can go.

It's going to be a point bonanza.

Unless, of course, you take a minute, and then it won't be a point bonanza.

I have a feeling it won't be a point bonanza, but considering I don't even remember what two episodes ago was, man, I'm in trouble.

He's going to set us up and we're going to hit it out of the park.

All right, I got my wooffleball bat.

All right, I'm going to set it up.

And if you guys need, just like a spelling bee, you can ask for the country of origin and I'll read the description.

And that's the country of origin.

But I'm going to give you the title.

Whoever goes first is going to start with that.

And then that's all you get.

I guess you can ask for more, but that's taking up precious time.

You only got two minutes, so you gotta

work it through.

Doesn't this alarm, though, bring some memories?

Yeah,

it's a particular thing that I definitely is like tickling my memories of stuff.

I don't know what, though.

It's not like a phone.

There's something.

This is the exact noise I woke up to as a kid because it sounded exactly like this.

Old alarm clocks.

Yeah.

I had the old alarm clock that did the

like buzzy one.

My alarm would turn on the radios.

It would just be like, and that's all we got today this morning.

It's like, I hate that so much.

That's awful.

What are your wake-up ringtones?

This is completely off topic, but I'm so curious.

Right now, nothing.

Vibrate.

Silence.

What?

I wear my, not wearing it now, but you could see.

I wear my Apple Watch almost all the time.

I sleep with my watch on.

My watch wakes me up vibrating so that I don't wake up Mandy or the baby.

All of my alarms are dead silent.

I don't have any set.

So it's either my watch or my phone buzzing because if it's like an alarm.

Can you turn...

Okay, this is a dumb technology question.

Can you turn an alarm noise on while having every other sound on your phone off?

Yes.

By default, that's what happens.

If you turn all your sound off, your alarm will still break through that.

And you can unfortunately turn off the sound in your alarm and all the sound on everything else, even if your phone's not on silent.

Yes.

I've done that before and slept through some important things.

Do you remember in college, Mark, you had an iHome alarm clock where you could put your iPod upon it and you went online and you were like, I found this noise.

It's like a noise from a wow.

It was from like a wow overlay or something where it was like when you, when something happened, it was an alarm that triggered.

And you're like, this is the most annoying noise I know of.

And that was the alarm clock sound on your your iPod

in our dorm room.

Yeah, it didn't go off all the time because I don't think you would have put up with it for very long if it did.

But I do remember.

I mean, I honestly, I didn't mind it.

I thought it was funny.

I just remember that very particularly because it's like a Klax and alarm sound, wasn't it?

Like, wham, wham.

It was when I experimented with botting in World of Warcraft.

This was in college, and I wasn't playing seriously at this point.

I was like, oh, just play, see if I can get it.

Download this program.

It could play for it.

And it gives an alarm when it's when something happens, like your character gets stuck.

A game master is looking at you, and that's what happened.

It went off in the middle of the night.

And I remember almost falling out of bed, being like, My account's cookie man!

No!

My character was stuck on a rock, that's what it was.

Um, and then I never bought it again after that.

So I was like, Oh, cheating's for losers.

Oh, ringtone.

Yeah, this is mine right now.

I would never wake me up, I would just sleep.

I wouldn't put me more to sleep.

It's so nice.

Amy fucking hates this because I hit this new so much.

This news so much.

Well, yeah, that's not an alarming wake-up.

Like, I need something that's like, woo, woo, woo, woo!

Like, I need shit like that to get me out of bed.

Not.

Doom, doom, doom, doom.

Yeah, it's, uh, it's, this was what it used to be, and I know this is going to

trip a lot of people up, but it, you know, it used to be this every day.

Yeah,

sure,

get me out.

I would probably still sleep through that.

I'm a heavy sleeper.

I don't know why.

It's pleasant, kind of, but really not pleasant.

So it's because it comes on so luck.

Anyway, not the point.

Not what we're here for.

No one got point for that.

Good episode.

Good episode.

We're done.

See ya, guys.

See you guys.

See ya, guys.

See ya.

Everyone do their best weight impression of their outro.

Now, go.

Oh, I'll tell you about the viewers and listened.

You mean nothing?

Ah, Ah, shit.

Yeah, do it.

Got him.

Point to the viewers or listeners if you post on the subreddit your impression of Wade's outro.

Go.

Best one gets a point.

The mods are going to love that.

Yeah, let's do that.

Lots of posts.

People act like the subreddit is some sacred thing that you can't flood with random nonsense as if it has to be clean and orderly at all times.

The mods are like barely clinging on to sanity.

I don't go around enough, but every time I dip in there, there's a new post from the mods that are, that's just like, all right, no more of this.

No more.

Stop.

And I'm like, I must have missed something.

See, my policy is you just ban because people can make a new account.

And that's

what I always did.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

And like in like stream chat or whatever.

That's the commonly understood thing.

Like I ban, I ban with reckless abandon.

I ban at the slightest provocation.

I think people are way too lenient on the bans.

If you didn't want to find out, you should never have fucked around.

It's an easy solution.

There's rules for a reason.

If you didn't want to lose that account's access, oh, you get banned.

If you piss me off more, I'll find a way to IP ban you, but I can't do that yet.

YouTube.

Special feature.

All right.

All right.

Let's get into the actual content.

All right.

Who's going to go first?

I'll use my special thing that definitely works really well and fair.

Evens goes Bob.

While that's spinning, Mark, I think I found the book you're supposed to be reading.

It's a book called Tusk Love.

Came out on July 1st.

Oh, I'm not joking.

Came out on July 1st.

It's currently trending all over the internet.

It's based on a fictional half-work romance novel from Critical Roll.

It was a thing they threw out as a joke on Critical Roll, and then someone made it into an actual novel about the thing that it was a joke so it's like 50 shades of gray how that was originally twilight and became its own thing yeah so tusk love

tusk love man this thing goes yeah that really needs a break or something i

he's the opposite of lube i think uh i'm claiming a future episode idea uh i just thought of it is uh you guys are going and this is the timer and whatever it lands on and the last person that talks when it lands gets that many points all right i'm claiming that as a future thing Well, we can't use that device.

So that seems fair.

You think if it's spinning and I'm in my chair with it that spins, if I turn it like that demonstration, will it spin me?

Wow.

I'm moving.

I'm moving.

Look, guys, I'm moving.

I was really hoping you were just going to be like,

it's still going.

You could just stop it.

I don't believe that you could choose which number you stop it on anyway if you just go.

Yeah.

Woo!

Nine.

That's not me.

Yep.

All right.

Wade, you're going first.

So that means you get the advantage.

I think, I don't know.

I'll give you a go first point.

You know, that was a long spin.

That was a, that was a tense one.

All right.

So, uh, first.

All right.

So we're going back to the OG.

Maybe our greatest episode ever.

Coming up with new, new things for this

in the same way that we were scoring.

Before we had rules, and this is the wild west of scoring back here.

Hair.

Hair.

I don't think one thing we talked about the original hair was where, what if we grew hair in all the opposite places of what we actually do?

Imagine like hair inside your mouth, on your eyeballs.

I think that's exactly where hair should have gone.

We should have had a hair part two that was all about the opposite of hair or removing hair.

Creative ways to remove hair.

One idea at a time.

The genius is flowing.

Give Bob a chance.

I have a message to all young men, especially.

That hair that magically accrues on the floor of the bathroom is not normal.

It's you.

You're gross.

I, for my whole beginning of my life, I was like, man, bathrooms are so dirty.

Just the little hair everywhere and stuff.

Man, that's crazy.

No, I'm just not good at cleaning.

Clean, clean it.

Clean better.

Fourth of hair lie.

Yeah, we could have had that episode where the hair's in the bathroom.

By next Fourth of July episode.

You got it, everyone.

He's just going down the rabbit hole of most disgusting episodes possible.

I love it.

Cooking episode where an ingredient has to be hair.

When you get hair in your food at a restaurant, do you eat it?

I say yes.

I don't eat the hair.

I eat the rest of the food, though.

Would various articles of clothing be itchier or more comfortable if made of human hair?

Always itchier.

All right.

I don't know who to give the point to that.

I was right.

So probably me.

Guys, don't fight for it.

Nope, too late.

Did I win?

Did he win?

You got points.

I was writing out points the whole time.

Whatever called out to me is what's points.

Great episode.

I loved hair.

No, no, no, no.

We got more.

We're doing a speed round.

All right.

I'm not going to do everyone from old, but that was great.

Riveting from our classic best episode that I hate is the first one because I want people's introduction to be something else.

Dear God, I want to do something real quick.

I decide about it.

Whenever hair became the first episode, we didn't know it was going to be the first episode because we were still toying around with things that just happened to be the format we liked at the time.

So we're like, oh, this will work.

That's true.

We had episodes before that that we were like, nah, scrapped that.

There were like five or ten that never saw light of day.

Yeah.

that's true.

I forgot about that.

Yeah, hair was just one of many experimental things.

And actually, one of the big reasons that we came up with this one is, and we mentioned this a lot, is like we said we would eventually run out of stories if it's just a story podcast.

That was one of the main reasons we did this format that we are doing because, uh, but I'm gonna prove your guys are gonna prove them wrong.

Hey, dig into your camping history.

We're gonna tell those camping stories that you didn't tell last time.

Don't tell the same ones.

Go, Bob.

Go.

I'm sure this is new.

When I was in college, my music fraternity went on a camping trip, but we didn't check the weather.

And it rained all night.

And I slept in six inches of water on the ground.

I'm surprised that I didn't have any serious illnesses or...

How did you not tell that story before?

I don't know.

Maybe I did.

I don't recall telling it.

That's not the one I told in the camping episode previously, but it was awful and made me hate camping for the rest of my life.

But like, I kind of want to go camping still.

I'm kind of into it.

There's one where my ex and I went out.

We were having like a romantic camp out out down in like some hilly cliffy spot in like kentucky or something it's like really famous camping spot i forget what it was called and we thought it was gonna be a nice romantic evening but it was just so humid and muggy and awful that it turned into like yeah i don't even want to like hug you you lay over there i'll lay over here and we'll just exist till we can have air conditioning again you you went out with your ex well while we were together

oh okay all right she wasn't my ex when we went to camping but i was wondering like is this a recent thing or this was like two weeks ago I called my ex.

I was like, hey, you want to have a romantic weekend out like old times?

Mandy and I got a tent for our, as a wedding gift, and we were like, all right, let's do that.

And we went camping at a nice campground that we didn't realize was half a mile away from the shipping airport.

uh runway and planes came every 15 minutes for the entire night and we could not leave early enough we did not sleep at all and it was fucking miserable and we left at like six in the morning because holy shit when i was touring colleges we uh stopped one night.

I don't know if I told this story or not, but there were people walking around this building in the middle of this campsite, and they were dragging clothes around.

But like, they were walking around and looking around suspiciously.

And we couldn't tell if they were stealing other people's clothes from like the little laundry area or if they were bringing their own.

But either way, they looked suspicious as fuck while they were doing it.

So we were afraid of doing our laundry because we thought if we left it for a minute, the clothes thieves would strike.

What did they look like that made them suspicious?

Describe these people.

You know how people like walk around like trying to hide their faces, but also they have the shifty, yeah, they have like that scoopy-doo.

They have that fucking scooby-doo walk.

They had this weird music

as they were walking by, really suspicious.

No, like hoods up, but you could tell they were like watching, make sure they weren't being watched or followed when they walked around.

They just look shifty and suspicious.

Camping YouTube update: Camping with Steve, great YouTuber.

Does stealth camping, camps in the middle of roundabouts, and in trailers that he builds and in funny places.

Camping with Steve.

Oh,

didn't get it out.

That was it.

That was the last line: is camping with Steve.

That was like the tag.

Oh, that's true.

We did talk about camping with Steve before, but that was a

different episode.

All right.

I think it counts.

Technically, this would be before the episode where I talked about camping with Steve.

So if time is non-linear, this comes first.

Wade, what do you feel about that?

I wasn't listening.

So yeah, sounds good.

All right.

I guess it's legit.

We're leaving it up there.

Okay, great.

Now,

all camping stories have been expunged we have no more uh it's gone all right but you know what's up next the greatest episode in detractable history oh bob fridge tell me bob's fridge stories uh i was over at bob's and we had a really delicious meal and i had to open his fridge to get like a drink out and the drink was nice and cold and i was like man what a nice working fridge

I think I told you guys this story, but I don't know that I ever talked about it on the podcast because I was trying not to give them attention, but it's been long enough now.

Soon after the fridge incident, I got a call that was from the Lowe's store that I was attempting to buy the fridge from, and that gave me so many fucking problems.

And it was just a heavy breathing and silence.

And then it was a voicemail.

They called, and I was like, I'll do that later.

And I sent it and it said Lowe's, whatever, California.

It went to voicemail, and the voicemail was

refrigerator.

Click.

And that was it.

And it was like a prank call, I guess.

But like, I don't fucking, like, I don't.

Lowe's, is your refrigerator running to you?

I don't know.

But

that happened.

And at the time, I was really, I was like, what the?

What the hell?

And I, so I didn't talk about it because I was obviously someone just looking for attention, but they're probably dead now.

So take that.

That was so long ago.

I guess it was.

We ship Bob to Antarctica and we make him really cold.

And the episode becomes Bob's frigid.

Ho ho.

All right, that's a great idea.

We'll save that for another episode, but this is for points.

It stories in the episode, so I can't qualify that one.

Every time I'm in the grocery store and I walk down one of the refrigerated aisles, every single one I open and I look in to see if there's any like water leaking or catastrophes inside.

And if there's not, I go, ha, mine was funnier.

And I keep going.

We turn the temperature of Bob's freezer down so that Bob has two fridges.

So if one breaks, he has a backup.

Turn the temperature down.

Wouldn't it just be more of a freezer?

You mean up?

Did you actually turn the temperature down?

You can lie.

Oh, you didn't get it in.

God, I even let you lie.

I even said you could lie.

I couldn't remember.

I still did it wrong.

I was like, I need to shake my head and say yes.

And I still nodded.

I was like, don't fuck this up.

Yeah.

I don't know if you know this, Mark, but I'm real sleep deprived.

I only got seven hours last night.

Poor, poor.

I'll give you a point.

Pity point for the.

Oh, man, pity point.

No sleep.

I only got six hours.

Come on.

I got three and a half.

I got three after the first all-nighter.

I took a sweet hour nap midday, got two more hours after the second all-nighter.

And then I went to bed this morning at 8.18.

That was an...

an hour, less than an hour before you were supposed to be with us recording this.

I got up.

I was like, oh, time to record podcasts.

And Mark's like, oh, thank God, Ben.

No, I, I, I, it was to the point where I, I was watching my mouse move on the computer and it was, it was cutting a purple line as it moved.

And I was just staring at it for like 15 minutes.

I'm like, I think if I stay awake any longer, I'm going to die.

So I'm going to go lay down.

So I laid down.

And I slept a cool three-something hours.

Pretty much caught up.

Are you picking like these episodes?

Are they the order they came out?

Are you skipping over a bunch?

Because there's no way that was the thing.

That is definitely not the order those came out.

But man, we have had some bangers this past year.

We've had some sinkers.

It's okay.

But as a podcast, I think we are fucking crushing it on the banger episode.

We got some laughs.

I have to agree.

I don't remember.

Well, do you remember hold my beer?

You better tell me some moments where you either held a beer or did that thing that qualifies as hold my beer moments.

Uh-huh.

Bob, go.

So when i was building these cabinets the other day remember how i said this countertop was really heavy i picked it up upstairs in the garage and i was like ah my back and for some reason my response was well

hold my beer and then i just carried it all the way in the house and downstairs by myself without asking for help or trying to do anything else i did it and nothing bad happened except for possibly my my discs but i'll learn about that later when the doctor tells me that's fair that's fair wait i was holding the can and I was looking over, and my dog Presley ran to a back fence.

There was another dog there.

They started barking at each other and then running along the fence, kind of playing.

But then more dogs from our yard came and joined in and were running and barking.

It got really loud.

So I had to hand my can over so I could run and stop them from barking.

All right, Bob.

My son, Bobby, got

home from school and showed me that he got a D on his paper.

And I was like, damn it, Bobby.

And then I went out to the backyard with the fellers and stood stood in front of my fence and I held a beer and drank it while that song played.

And, you know,

and it's like, Mike Judge, I'm the king of the hill.

And then I'm Hank Hill.

Is that true?

I'm Hank Hill.

All right, I guess I'm letting lying happen.

Unless it's the truth.

It's the true truth.

I'm writing it down.

I had a really nice watch that was stuck to like a piece of wood, and I was trying to throw wood into like this wood chipper, and the watch got caught and went into the wood chipper.

So I went, ah, shit.

Handed over the beer jumped in after it and got cut to pieces and died but the beer ended up being all over me on the inside and i think it turned out pretty well that was a great why didn't you tell that story last time that's a great story it was very personal i didn't really i wasn't comfortable sharing it back then all right i've told the story about the the night that james was born but i didn't tell the whole story I was standing there and the doctor finally pulled James out and he started crying.

And the doctor looked over at me and was like, Do you want to hold your son?

And I looked over at the nurse next to me and was like, Hold my beer so I can hold my son.

That's a beautiful moment.

I was in the same room, and I said, Hold my beer so I can hold his son.

I thought you were going to say you were the one he handed the beer to.

Well, either qualifies, it all qualifies.

I was also at Wade's story about dying in the wood chipper.

Then I was there.

I was holding his beer.

I was the one who held his beer while he did that.

I was there a second time.

I was the beer.

And Bob drank me.

He didn't just hold me.

He took a sip.

Later that day, while I was mourning the loss of Wade One and the loss of Wade Two, which whom I drankst, I was standing at the urinal and overcome with sadness.

And I was like, I can't pee now.

So I held in my pee, which was actually beer weighed.

So I held my beer wade.

I think when I originally told this story, I said my watch got cut in the wood chipper.

And then whenever I jumped in the wood chipper, it turned into beer.

And I was

covered in beer in the wood chipper, when it should have been a watch.

But my beer was there too, being held by the wood.

I think it didn't work.

I don't know why.

It's dead.

Wait, it died.

Freddy, it was like a watch.

Oh, Wade and I were telling our stories.

Marcus Sneaker playing with the stupid timer.

It died.

We just kept getting more stupid while he was trying to fucking get his timer to work.

These are fresh batteries.

It died?

What the hell?

This thing's a piece of shit.

This freedom died.

It had like a five-minute timer.

It's pretty good for an alarm.

What the fuck?

It doesn't work anymore.

How many things do you need to time in your life, Mark?

What's going on here?

What's this episode called?

Hold my timer?

I guess I got a phone.

I'll do it one more on that, I guess.

Okay, that was great.

But you know what tops it?

Oh, wow.

Perfect crime was way, way early back.

It was.

The first one was a long time ago.

It's a very different thing, I believe.

Wasn't that about wasn't that about robbing a bank or something and making friends at the same time?

That was no, that was my scheme for how to make best friends.

Ah,

because you, you do, you set up a heist, and then there's a big car accident, and you save their life, and then that's when they become your best friend because you saved their life.

But it's all an elaborate setup, man.

It was a very different podcast.

We were young.

We didn't know what we were doing.

Were we young?

I don't know.

But you know, when we were young, when kids were stupid, tell me about stupid kids I remember when I was like six years old I decided the family needed a new fridge So we went to this fridge store broke in and I opened up the door and there inside was a really cold beard I was like, oh, I'm still underage.

I should probably take a sip of it So I opened it up and nothing but fucking hair was pouring out It was a whole gross goddamn disgusting mess and I decided I needed to throw that fridge out and you know what I got busted doing trying to throw a nasty fridge covered in hair away damn that was stupid for that kid that you were hair away sleep away I stayed at a sleepaway camp once, and I thought it would be really fun to sneak out and just run in the same direction until I couldn't run no more.

And so that's what I did.

And I got lost, and they never found me.

Boy, was that stupid.

Why did you say hairaway at the beginning?

Because Wade said hair away.

He did?

He said he got caught trying to throw a fridge that was covered in nasty hair away.

And hairaway obviously triggered sleepaway camp for me, which I was a stupid kid.

At I remember, I went to play one of the counselors at Camp Crystal Lakes.

I told my other friend to play Jason Voorhees, and I handed him this big machete.

I was like, now fucking stab me after I pretend to have sex.

But he was like, like this, and stabbed me too early.

And I didn't even get to do the sex part.

I remember I was in the first grade, and my teacher locked eyes with me and was like, Bobby, what's one plus one?

We've been working on this.

And I confidently looked at her and said, seven.

Seven

fucking idiot, fucking dumb, no math.

All right, quick, similar situation, but I said, Isn't it your job to make sure I know the answer?

Because right now, I fucking don't.

And then I got in trouble for it.

Okay,

boy, that was dumb.

All right, fuck you, teacher.

Okay, we're gonna call it there.

This episode is, uh, I forgot that it needs to be edited really quickly.

Don't worry about it, everyone watching and listening.

The editors have plenty of time for this episode.

It's definitely not a last minute recording.

It's basically live in 10 minutes.

You guys squeezed so much content out of your lives and dripped it into the mouths of our listeners and viewers, who are equal in our eyes.

Listeners, Mark is emphasizing how much he loves you.

I'm making obscene gestures.

Really obscene.

He just held up a sign that said, I love the listeners way more than you, stupid watchers.

All right, so we're gonna count up the points i my handwriting gets progressively more insane the deeper it goes because i was frantically trying to keep up so good luck to me for reading this let's start with wade keefer server designated kefir keeper sutherland designated kefir sutherland quintinfoot butthole armpit mouth first you got the first point is quintinfoot eve ball hair eyeball hair no no no eve ball hair oh the original sin even Eve and her ball hair.

That was definitely one of the weirdest Bond women.

You thought Pussy Galore was a weird one.

Eve ball hair.

Okay, we got cool hair as well.

Ex-

Romantic evening with the ex.

Camping suspicious people.

Open bob fridge.

Nice.

Noise.

Pity.

No sleep.

I pity you for no sleep.

Dog running with beer.

Cut to fucking pieces and died.

I'm writing him down as I go.

I still can't count.

Hey, hi, hey, hi.

I love the way you pronounce numbers.

Did you learn to count the same place James did?

You kind of lost count again.

Stop.

How old do you?

You got the.

Also was their point for

wood chipper clone.

14.

Kid fridge beer hair.

Fucking stab me, which I wrote out as a double point because that made me laugh really hard.

Uh, fuck you, teacher.

All right, so that's a total of 18 for you.

Very God dang, Mark never gives that many points.

I'm boned, Bob.

You had massive cabinets.

Uh, Brit knee.

Uh, very funny.

Uh, dungeon crawler, Carl, uh, you

nuss, you nus, you-ness, you, you, YouTube, you know, you, you, you,

you,

you, you, you, Nos, you

nos you you

no uh you to you un you

get a point for that uh showing hair dominance uh

musical frat rain six inches of music oh yeah six inches of music all right uh you tented you camped at an airport camping with steve uh calling after

fridge incident probably dead that person there's a bonus point for that.

Good.

Thunder?

Ton.

Ton?

What?

Like, I'm going to be able to help.

Come on.

Focus.

Focus.

Damn it.

What is this?

A makeup tutorial?

You wrote it.

We I believe you today.

All right, it's the point.

All right.

Wait, I got a kind of go into it.

11.

That's 11.

Okay.

Uh, fuck backs.

Am I right?

He is Hank.

You are Hank.

Hold my beer, son.

Was also there in room.

Hair away, running away forever.

Oh, hair away, the camp.

That confused me.

Hair away.

All right.

No math.

No math.

And then you got a last-minute point for the Bond villain, Eve Ballhair.

That's very funny.

So even though it looked like Wade was pulling head, that gives you 19.

It's a one-point difference.

So it all comes down, as it always does, to the wheel.

And someone made a good point that they liked hearing the score before going into it, so they

know what the stakes are for this.

So you know the stakes.

And I counted them 15,000 times.

The stakes are rare.

Please be not one.

Please be one.

Give it to Wade.

Odd numbers.

Oh,

three.

Okay, three.

We love three.

Three threes in a row and four threes out of the last five spins.

That seems normal.

What are you adding?

Least amount of sleep.

Do we have that since last episode?

I don't believe so.

All right, least amount of sleep, which I think I would win this if it came.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it's debatable.

I feel pretty sleepy.

You should feel sleepy.

I also could add one for things broken mid-episode.

Fucking, I hadn't used this before.

That's really

funny.

Five cycles.

Well, if a cycle is a long period of time, that's impressive.

Uh, half point for Wade.

Oh man, there's not gonna be be a tie unless unless

spin

number two

another half point for

we're tie baby

it's tied up viewers or listeners viewers or listeners what the has happened all right

half point for wade half point for wade half point for wade i don't even care i just want it to happen again oh it was close had the best Had the best time.

Which one of you guys had the best time?

Oh, it's definitely the viewers.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

One of you two had the best time.

I mean, I feel like I had a very good time.

I don't know.

Wade, do you have any reason to believe you had a better time than me?

I believe my time was equally as good as yours.

What if we split the point and each take half?

Oh, that's not how this works.

I agree, Bob.

That sounds great.

All right, we can respin.

Respin.

I'll take that.

What a spin.

It's just a respin.

Oh, Michael!

Oh, Michael!

Don't call it comeback!

It's a half point for Wade!

Half a point for Wade!

Wade, what the fuck?

I'm having a great time.

This is fate making it so.

Wade, you had the best time and you win 19 and a half points to 19.

Congratulations.

thank you Bob is this where we do the handshake deal oh no I forgot about that goddamn you're gonna undermine that amazing triple half point thing with whatever your stupid handshake was well I have to at least ask you know we had that whole topic you could say you could bank it you could bank it you oh we could bank that oh yeah let's bank it let's keep your idea and bank that for later perfect Okay, good.

That really worked out.

Couldn't have worked out better, honestly.

That's going to come back to bite me in the ass, probably.

But Wade, congratulations, you won.

You're very handsome, very beautiful, and very winner-ish.

And you get to make today's winner speech.

Thank you.

Mark, what a great episode.

I had a great time.

Some of my saddest should have taken a point for having the best time.

It was fun rehashing.

I thought that got, we got more creative as it kind of amped up.

We had a little warm-up of like, okay, let's think of real stories.

And then I think we were both like, fuck it.

Just say things when you told us we could lie.

And I enjoyed lying quite a bit.

So thank you for letting me lie today.

I very much enjoyed lying to you.

Some of those were fake.

I just meant to lie on the last one question.

Back to you, buddy.

Okay, all right.

Well, congratulations, winner.

Your trophy's in the mail.

That is definitely not a lie.

All right, Bob, you lost.

How

you go now.

Bob, how did this happen?

Today's loser speech is brought to you by Vitamin Water.

Vitamin Water is the ultimate lifestyle water for people who want fun and functionality.

Packed with essential multivitamins and big flavors like the new Elevate Blue Raspberry Limate or Zero Sugar Rehydrate Pineapple and Passion Fruit.

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Copyright 2025, Glass O.

Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Class O.

Mark, I lost because I got half a point less than weighed.

That's how I lost, just to be clear.

You lost because you weighted the wheel.

Somebody calculate the odds of that happening.

There are 44 things on the wheel, and three out of those four spins landed on the same one thing.

Is that 44

factorial?

No, three.

It'd be 44 times 44 times 44.

44 times 44 times 44.

One in 85,184 chance.

Anyway, it was the half point that really did me in, Mark, if I'm honest.

If it was on the merits, I beat Wade fair and square, and then the wheel just ripped it away from me.

It's like wheels and coins always do.

I want to emphasize that wasn't an editing trick.

We didn't fake that in any way.

That was legit.

I mean, it's, I can, I can share.

I mean, it was on screen.

I'll share it again.

And if you look at the history, this will match up with previous spins.

This is not edited.

Yeah, I don't think you can delete individual entries in there.

Yeah.

So we've had some crazy luck in this podcast that just defies all odds.

Like, Bob, 13 coin flips in a row not going your way.

Oh, so cool.

So cool.

Love that part.

So, Wade has all the luck on this podcast, and that's why he won.

Today's Loser Speech is brought to you by Vitamin Water.

Born in NYC, built for people who work hard and play hard.

Grab a vitamin Water today.

Copyright 2025 Glasso.

Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

I love a loser speech.

You know, honestly, the loser speech is a point of honor.

You're your honor.

Thank you for listening and watching to this.

Refer to me as your honor.

Yes, I'll take that title.

I accept.

But next week, Wade, we will be Wade's monkeys, and you will enjoy another beautiful episode of Poop-Filled Fun.

Thank you.

Be sure to follow the podcast so that you get notifications and make us feel very special and important in the eyes of our overlords.

Merch is right around the corner.

Merch is right behind you.

Merch is standing right behind you.

Don't turn around.

Ah, my headphones.

Well, I'm deaf now.

Don't worry.

Mark's gonna

make sure he packs the merch with the scary tape.

We can't end till he says the famous two words, so we're here watching.

Yeah, we're just trapped in the abyss until Mark remembers how we end these things.

Right, right.

Yes, we're done now.

That's it.

That's it.

That just cuts right after that.

We're done now.

Podcast out.