Sisyphean (Sis-uh-fee-uhn)

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Mechanical Mark, displays pickup altruism, moves in with a porn performer, then gets Hellenic with a punishing trial.

Bald-shaming Bob discusses his wood, deifies Morgan, Dwayne, Gordon, Mark, and beverages.

Wide-eyed Wade neglects Newman knowledge, preys to pebbles, siege machinery, Batman, and hot air.

From unrighteous attacks to Texas two-step.

Yeah,

it's time for Sisyphian.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello, welcome to Distractible, your number one source of technology news, technology updates, all about tech, everything about tech.

We're a tech podcast, right, guys?

Yeah.

They call me MK Bob HD.

Wade, what do they call you?

Wade.

Bald.

Where'd the confidence go, Wade?

Come on.

You talked about the one thing I know the least about.

A bold claim from Wade.

That's true.

There are a lot of things I know least about.

Bob's off to a crazy start.

Sick burn.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he's green-shirted.

That's me.

Oh, yeah.

Sounds good.

Is that also good about Bob?

Plus for a green shirt.

It is now.

I was going to give it to you, but gonna

I realize the error of my ways.

Well, if we're not a tech podcast, then I guess we're just some sort of comedy podcast that does random games, has no consistency.

We change who's in charge, and we change the rules as often as we can get away with.

The Constitution has been a hamper on that, but hey, in America, we don't believe in that shit, so what does it matter anyway?

Yeah, get them!

I'm uh here to well, probably for not much longer, uh, but I'm here to to subject these two to my whims and my whimsy in that order.

But before I get to the whimsical whimsy, which one of you wants to start off with telling us about how your day has been?

Weighed bonus points if you allude to your hypothetical non- or fictional car.

I do have a car update.

Is it in the ocean?

Well, I guess technically it's like Schrodinger's car right now.

I don't really know where for sure.

I took it in to get it cleaned up because cicadas are are just annihilating everything right now.

And every time you drive five minutes, the sea water really wrecks systems.

I don't know.

Three days of the week, I can take it in for a free car wash for whatever period of time.

So I was like, look, my windshield is covered in dead cicada goo.

And I did one of those like interior coatings to help protect the interior so it lasts longer.

Sure, sure.

And I don't know what...

happened but the back seats are just like

they got lines of drippies and i was like, I don't think they're supposed to have these lines of drippies.

Can we touch that up?

They're like, oh, yeah, sure.

They sent me on a bit of a runaround, but eventually we found someone who's like, yeah, we'll take care of it.

It'll take a couple hours.

You know what?

Might take up to five hours.

I'm assuming you guys don't want to wait that long.

I was like, I don't want to sit here for five hours.

So they're like, okay, well, this is on us.

We'll get you hooked up with a rental.

We'll give you a call in a few hours.

You can get your car.

Everything will be fine.

Uh-huh.

That was yesterday.

Where's my car?

Call me.

It's just a wash.

It's still being cleaned, apparently.

It's a real detailed car wash, I think.

It's going to be so clean when you get it back.

Guaranteed.

I have a bonus podcast update.

Wow.

Okay.

Oh, I got a message.

I tweeted out.

I was like sharing that we had an episode come out on Monday.

And one person responded to that.

I don't know why I spend time listening to this podcast.

It's just disappointing.

And I reminded myself, man, they spent a lot of money being forced to watch and listen to this.

But that, I think that one comment is representative of everyone who watches and or listens.

Just very disappointed in the podcast that we present.

And I just wanted you guys to know.

That's fair.

Any reason?

Any particular reason?

That was the entirety of their message.

Does that message really need explanation, Mark?

I think you're just being facetious.

It's disappointing.

What is unclear and also what is surprising about that?

All right.

Well, okay.

All right.

So, Wade, you get a point for being disappointing.

Mark, you sent me down a rabbit hole.

I don't know how I feel about it, and I also don't know if I'm going to get a roll-top desk or not.

Oh, interesting.

We talked about this.

We talked about this.

There are a lot of roll-top desks,

and I've basically come to the conclusion that I don't want to spend the money on a new hardwood one.

I kind of want to buy like a used one and maybe refinish it, or maybe just have a night.

Like, it's a good thing.

It's good to keep furniture alive and give it a new life.

And I wanted to do that.

Even the smallest roll top desk, they don't seem to come apart.

They seem to be solid units.

There's no like, oh, the top comes off.

I'm pretty sure I'd have to rent a pickup truck in order to make this dream come true.

You telling me, you telling me in Ohio you don't have...

a friend, a neighbor who has a pickup truck that would be so happy.

I know as a guy that has a truck now, whenever someone asked me to help them with something, I'm like, fuck yeah, I have a truck.

This is what I was born for.

Yes, please let me use my truck to haul something.

There are lots of pickup trucks.

I don't know anyone even slightly who has one of those things.

What vacuum do you live in?

There are literally, there are people with pickup trucks in my neighborhood, but I don't.

We're not like friendly.

Like they live up down the street, up the street, around the people around me all drive, literally all drive Honda CR-Vs or Honda Accords.

Those are the only cars I have or

one friend has a two-door Lexus sports car that's real, unlike Wade's.

But like I have the biggest, I have a big hybrid electric SUV.

I have the biggest car in my neighborhood, except for the people who have pickup trucks who live, you know, a couple, a couple of blocks down and I never talk to.

And one of them has one of those pickup trucks that I don't think he would want a big desk in the back of.

It's like a bright orange, hard to get in and out of, really, really ridiculously uncomfortable-looking deal that when he starts it up, even though he lives far away, it kind of echoes around the whole neighborhood, like it's going to shatter windows kind of deal.

Very cool truck, I think.

I'm so paying attention.

I swear to God, I am.

I just believe you.

I know what you're capable of.

I'm enraptured.

I'm enraptured by your words.

Anyway, I just don't know if it's going to work, Mark.

I just don't think it's possible.

But now I'm obsessed with the idea of: can I get a roll-top desk?

Could I take it into sections?

Could I put it in the back of my car and just tie the trunk down and just do the put it on your roof like a tree?

You could rent a temporary U-Haul for like 20 bucks.

Yeah, well, that's the thing is, I can rent a pickup truck or a U-Haul or whatever for like, it's always like, rent it for 20 bucks for the first hour.

Oh, they do make you do like four hours or something, but yeah, plus fees, plus whatever, plus no, I got you.

I got you.

Here you go, Bob.

Here's your strategy.

You look at where the pickup or the

desk is, right?

Yep.

You search that area for nearby car and truck dealerships.

You go to there, say, like, I want to test drive one.

I just really need to know what I'm buying before I get behind the wheel.

You, you say, like, hey, I've always wanted to go down this path, my childhood home.

I've loved, my dad had a pickup truck.

You drive down the, he's tears by now because you're so telling the story so well.

Sure, sure.

Go to the place, pick up the roll-top desk.

You go, oh my God, it's still here.

Wow, my childhood desk.

You don't think, and he's so weeping.

Can you help me put it?

He lifts it, puts it in the truck.

You're like, wow, oh my God, I have to get this home.

Please, please.

You could ride with me.

In fact, do ride with me.

And you go home, get him to bring it out.

And then when you're at your house, help me move it into my basement.

Exactly, exactly.

Can you take this other stuff with you?

Hey, look, this truck's not for me.

And then you let him drive.

Problem solved.

I was going to say, while we're here, I've actually got about one truckload's worth of stuff I really need to take over to the dump.

Would you mind helping me?

It'll only take like another hour, hour and a half.

Tops.

People are going to start doing this.

This is dangerous advice, mark not every dealership makes you have a person right along with you anymore when i test drove for my current car they just gave us keys to the car and we're like have fun and i was kind of like

that blew me away when that happened to us because i was like don't you guys want to thank you look it doesn't really i guess i kind of i thought about it when it happened because i was i was kind of like that's really bold but they like copy your license like they know who you are except one time they forgot that step for me.

If you're going to do something fucking crazy, if there's a guy in the car from the dealership and he's like, no, don't, is that going to really stop you?

Like, what's he going to do?

Grab the wheel?

If you're like, I'm going to test drive this car and fucking crash it into a

guy in the passenger seat being like, oh, don't do that.

You're going to crash.

Look out.

Yeah, I know.

That was the plan.

I'm glad someone's here to witness my genius.

Well, I'll give you points for boldness in whatever way you exploit other people to get that roll-top desk.

I have a markiplier update.

Damn.

What?

This is breaking news on my timeline.

Mark, first of all, I didn't know your birthday was June 25th, 1990.

That's news to me.

I also didn't know that you lived in Germany and were married to a German pornographer actress.

Oh, man.

But I just got the article right here that is definitely written by people and is real.

But I just want to say, I can't believe you've been living this double life this whole time.

Does it actually say Markiplier or is it just some other guy named Mark Fischbach?

Marcus, Markiplier, Fischbach, all spelled wrong.

See, now, if that was real AI, they wouldn't misspell it.

I think that...

I think that this is a true article written by a human.

Yeah, I just didn't know all this about you, but here we go.

I learned a lot today.

But congrats.

And also, I can't believe there's a California Germany I never knew about.

I can't believe either.

That's it for my weird social media updates.

Yep, where's my car?

Okay, well, I'll talk about my life later because we've got other things to discuss.

For those that are curious, I'm fine in LA.

Nukes haven't been launched yet, but I will...

I have my secret YouTuber underground bunker that I will dive into and be protected of.

Obviously, the situation is very serious, and I'm hesitant to make lots of jokes about it, but this is a comedy podcast, and so I will make jokes anyway at the expense of my own honor and morals.

Very funny.

I'm going to tell you then what I told you guys.

One of the things that happened that was really funny in a cosmic sense, not in a direct sense, is wherever the ICE agents were staying in their hotels, protesters went to those hotels and just

all night long, just leaning on the horns.

They got kicked out of this hotel, that hotel.

They just got passed out further and further out to LA.

And then they swung right back, came into Glendale, and then they got kicked out of there and whatever hotel they were in.

Because all the hotel managers and owners, it didn't matter if they were like aligning with the politics or beliefs or whatever.

It doesn't really matter.

All of them were just like, it's just bad business, guys.

You gotta go.

You gotta go.

This is all the other people here don't want to stay here when you're here and everyone's honking.

So, anyway, just cosmically funny little tidbit.

I think everyone would enjoy.

You know who it's not funny for, Mark.

You know, you're not thinking of here.

It's those poor ho, those poor hotel managers.

This is not funny for them.

Do you think they all ask for a refund individually?

Do you think they have one big ice credit card?

It's probably on the company card, right?

I don't know how these things work.

You know, like

ice daddy came in and was like we need 35 rooms and just

you know it's really funny because that would be the determinant of if they're actually ice agents or just dudes in cosplay do they dress like mr freeze when they go places they have to say like puns

listen we are making jokes here that are in the moral zone yeah that was outside man that was too far i'll stay out here

Okay, anyway, that's the update.

But it's a serious issue.

I'm not trying to make light of it.

It's a fine light because I don't want to to be like, listen, it's not as bad as it's portrayed, but also it's a very serious situation.

I don't know how to properly articulate that.

So, anyway, that's what I'll say.

And by the time people watch this, it'll be out of date.

Unless it's still going on, which it could be.

Yeah, I mean, it could be better.

It could be worse.

It's hard to say.

Things are weird.

It's like an internal, never-ending struggle, right?

It's like a perpetual, unending battle.

Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.

Are you supposed to be winking?

It's exactly what Mark is saying.

Yeah, right, guys, right, guys.

It's like a perpetual unending battle.

Segue point, please.

And no, anyone know anything that's, I don't know, kind of like that?

Oh, grocery shopping.

The forever war in the Warhammer universe?

The flying llama thing, a never-ending story?

Whatever it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The flying llama.

No, I know who he's talking about.

I guess that's not a bad description of it, but it's not a good description either.

Anybody just like a kind of really famous story about a perpetual struggle?

War of 1812.

Sherlock Holmes.

Captain America.

Okay, kind of not really, but.

The little engine that could.

Brave Little Toaster.

I would love a sequel in today's modern technology world and the display.

Rugrats all grown up.

Wally.

Okay, kind of with Wall, but not really.

Okay, think older, older, older.

Terminator.

Terminator?

It's older than Wally.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

That's true.

No, it's taking place in the future, man.

That's actually newer.

No, it's actually.

Wally's future is farther future than that future.

Land before time.

Okay, too far back.

Land after time.

Time after time.

Take on me.

You're so close.

Not really.

You were closer before.

Elvis, Jailhouse Rock.

Back to the future.

I'll give you a hint.

I'll give you a hint.

Sperm.

Pushbob, jellyfishing.

The stock market.

Always up, baby.

That's what we're talking about.

Housing costs.

An unpoppable balloon.

Took too much Viagra.

Come on.

A story, a story, a story.

A story about always going up.

Sis.

Hang on.

Sis, sis.

Hang on.

Wait a minute.

What's the second part of that one?

Syphilis.

Syphilis.

Syphilis and the small rocks.

No, no, no, no, no.

I could get there.

I could get there.

He flew too close to the sun and his arms melted.

No,

Sisyphus.

Sisyphus.

God.

damn it.

It was like Ethan was scriddle, scrill it, scriddle, scrill it, scriddle, scriddle.

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This episode is brought to you by Uber.

You know that feeling when someone shows up for you just when you need it most?

That's what Uber is all about.

Like when Wade's house was flooding and falling to pieces all around him, and you showed up just when he needed you to, so you could film it and exploit it for views on the internet?

No.

Whatever it is, big or small, Uber is on the way.

So you can be on yours.

Uber, on our way to your house, Wade.

Sisyph!

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, no.

It's a fine.

Which one of us is on top?

I assume that we're the two Sisyphies.

Okay, yeah, you're the two two sisophy i think we're side by side you're on the same level okay i had to modify the mountain a bit to get tiers so you have steps i'm a top oh i see those are our faces i'm just not very smart or looking at it very closely if i had more time i would have built this in 3d and i actually know if i had any desire at all to do that i would have done that but i didn't do that because i didn't want to do that at all No, I like this.

I think this is good.

You two are both Sisyphus.

You can have.

That's your last name, right?

So you're Bob Sisyphus and you're Wade Sisyphus.

You're brothers or something or whatever.

I don't know.

Maybe whatever scenario.

Yeah, sure.

Cousins, right?

You have to climb up these rocks, bro.

Why do I have- is that Sisyphus' accent?

That's Sisyph right there.

He's got it.

Is that Borad?

I don't even know what accent I did.

Oh, no, I can't believe this rock keeps rolling down this hill, bro.

Not very nice.

Oh, listeners, there are two rocks, and then there's a brown staircase.

It's a mountain, obviously.

11 steps to lead to the mountain flag.

We're at the beginning of our 11-step program.

Well, 10.

It's 10 steps.

But we're on the first one.

We're on the ground.

It's 10 actionable steps.

So it's like, you know, one.

All right, fair enough.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

We need to go up ten levels.

Yes, you do.

You have to go to 10 levels.

Whoever gets to the top of the mountain gets their freedom.

You have been cursed by the gods for your hubris.

Wade, what was your crime?

Oh, uh, smelly pits?

Smelly pits.

Terrible crime.

Terrible crime.

Bob, what do you do to offend the gods?

While holding my 10-gallon bucket of wheelchairs, fired my shotgun wildly into the air, trying to kill the gods.

They did not care for that.

Hey, I know that reference.

I know this one.

Today, it doesn't really matter what your starting crimes was.

That doesn't affect the game at all.

I was just kind of curious what you guys would make them.

All right, so here's how it's going to work: I have my new spinner.

I have to manually stop it, or it'll go forever.

It's very spinny.

All right, so here's how it goes: you

don't know which god cursed you, so you're going to pray to any god you want.

You have to name the god what they're the god of.

So like I pray to god of X.

Please give me a boon.

And that's the only way that you're going to go up or down the staircase.

You can't just be like, I'm going to push it because in the story of Sisyphus, his own effort never got him to the top.

You got in there with the gods' blessings.

You got out of there with the god's blessings.

But it's not guaranteed that the gods are going to give you what you want, unless I guess it really aligns.

I don't know.

I'll make a judgment call.

But we're going to roll a D20 in terms of success and failure.

And also be careful what you wish for because it could be interpreted in different ways or it could be more than you want.

Also, you can pray to detrimentally affect your opponent or positively affect your opponent.

You can pray for anything you want, but the objective remains the same.

You got to get up this hill.

Do we have to know real gods for this?

You make them up.

Thank God.

Well, thank me.

Thank us.

Thank you.

Thank we.

Thank we.

Are you ready?

There you go.

He sounds excited.

Well, wait, you're going first then.

I'll even give you the going first point.

I knew it.

I was ready for this.

All right, Wade.

What are you thinking?

What are you doing?

What's going through your mind when you're at the bottom of this mountain?

It looks pretty high up there.

So I just pick a god to pray to because I got one in mind.

Yep.

I'm going to pray to the god of helium that this boulder weighs a lot less.

Hmm.

That's a good prayer.

That's a good prayer.

All right.

So above, above 11 to 20 is success.

One to 10 is failure.

Ah, 10 right on the money.

Didn't make it.

Ah, sorry, man.

The god of helium, it just like went into your lungs or something, and you just, now you talk funny.

All right, Bob.

Wait, who are you praying to?

Oh, sorry.

Here, sorry.

You can't pray to the same God twice.

That's the thing about it.

You have to have a different God.

You could pray to the God of hydrogen.

That would be different enough with a similar effect, but you can't be the same God.

It's one and done.

I pray to Morgan Freeman, also known as God Himself.

Please, Almighty Morgan Freeman, use your beautiful, silky voice and other godly powers to convince the boulder to roll itself up the hill.

You know, I did.

I was going to have a rule where you can't just pray to God, period, because it has to be the god of something, but I think you've found a technicality here.

Let's just see what happens and then I'll go from there.

Hey!

Why am I doing it to the camera again?

Yeah, just just

so you can see it.

That's fine.

Oh,

seven.

That's not very good.

Sorry.

Turns out that was just a movie.

He wasn't actually God.

Morgan Freeman is a mortal man with his own sins and faults, just like the rest of us.

Maybe more, maybe less.

What do we really know?

Anyway, you don't go anywhere.

Wade, who are you praying?

I pray to the Sigma God himself to give me the smooth cut and jib and powerful muscles that allow me to flick this little rock right up the hill.

So, you want to be

God of Sigma?

Is that what it is?

I almost said Ligma, and I corrected myself in my mind.

So, yeah, Sigma is the one I want.

You kind of muttered on

the name of it.

So, let's see how that pans out for you.

Dude, 10 again.

I'm so sorry.

That's so close.

God of Sigma did not grant you.

If you remember that quiz that we took of whether we were Sigma or not, you were not Sigma.

Only one of us was.

Maybe the spinner's broken.

I don't know.

Does it actually have all the numbers?

I haven't checked.

Can it go above 10 or is it just like...

I see numbers above 10.

I do.

I swear, man.

I do.

All right, okay.

Statistically, you know, it's fine.

All right.

Where'd you get this dice spinner from?

A joke shop?

Probably.

Bob.

Oh, I pray to Tyler Ninja Blevins, the god of Ligma, to curse my opponent to dance the floss dance endlessly for the rest of eternity, making his task that much harder.

I'm not seeing any movement.

All right, let's see.

17!

Hey, it does go above 10.

All right, let's just say that worked, and I was really only accounting it to go backwards and not dance.

I'll say he loses a turn.

Damn, I wanted three tens in a row.

Yeah, well, don't worry, man.

You'll get it on the next one.

All right.

So that worked.

Bob,

pray again.

I pray to Dwayne the Rock Johnson, God of rocks, to give me the strength to make my rock go up one step.

I just realized like the skipping a turn almost made it like you didn't even do the last wish because now you just do one for yourself.

Hey, I had to dance.

He was dancing.

He wasted energy.

Maybe that'll live.

I think you should have to do like five seconds of the actual floss dance on camera in real life.

I don't even fucking know the floss dance.

Is it the one where you're like?

Yeah, no, that's right.

That's pretty much it.

Do it faster.

Do it faster.

Do it faster.

That's exactly it.

And anyone who's not a listener's head just exploded.

That's right.

All of those pelvic thrusts.

It was too sexy.

All right.

Okay.

You prayed to the God of rock.

The rock.

God of the rock.

Let's see.

To give you strength.

All right.

Nine.

I'm so sorry.

These.

Man, you guys are not making any progress.

I apologize.

I feel like I blame the spinner.

Wait.

Ah, it's good to be back.

I pray to the god of fruity pebbles to shrink my boulder to the size of a fruity pebble.

How big is a fruity pebble?

Cereal, man.

It can't be that big.

Pretty small.

Like, one single fruity pebble is, like, you know, pebble-sized.

Make it real easy to climb a step.

All right, okay, okay.

All right.

Fuck, man.

I'm so sorry.

It's five.

Man, I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Dear penthouse forum, I can't believe this happened to me.

Here, I'll wait.

Hold on, man.

I'll make it right for you.

I got this, man.

Look.

But you can't have all of them.

It's just like a dusting.

It looks a bit bigger than my current boulder.

Hold on.

No, no, it's going to be good, man.

It's going to be good.

I'm going to make it so good for you.

Hold on.

You got some fruity pebbles on the top there.

Thank you.

Does that feel better?

Yeah.

Good.

All right.

Happy to make you happy.

Man, we really are making a lot of progress here.

I love how many steps up we've taken.

This is the perfectest climb.

My turn.

I pray to the God of rage himself, Gordon Ramsey, to give me the strength to go full rage mode and carry this stupid fucking boulder up a step.

All right, okay, okay, all right, here we go.

He's very angry, man.

We're spinning, we're spinning.

I'm letting it, I'm just gonna let it actually go and time out because I like, I'm stopping it manually, but just to kind of put brakes on it because it spins a lot.

You know, they make these things called dice.

Still spinning.

You just like toss them and they

land on one.

It's still spinning.

They're pretty easy.

They're pretty pretty straightforward.

It's still spinning.

Man, they made like the world's greatest flywheel.

It's still spinning.

We got ibec nines in there.

It's still spinning.

Listeners, it's spinning.

It's still slowing down.

It's still spinning.

I think my breath talking into it is making it spin more.

Hold on.

It's still spinning.

All this for a three.

If it's a three, then we know he's cheating.

God, please don't be a three.

Three.

Pray to the god of threes.

Don't be a three.

I think you probably should have prayed to the god of fours.

Oh,

it's still going.

God damn you.

Holy shit.

And no.

Okay, it went past the three.

Okay.

15.

God, I saw the three come up.

I was just like, no fucking way.

All right, 15.

Okay, Gordon Ramsey.

He really, really did it for you.

He did it for you good.

But I think he's, he's, if you had to pray to Kratos, maybe I could have.

I have a, all right, here's, I thought we would have gotten to it already.

So when you pray to the God, I'm going to make a determinant on how powerful that God is, and that's how much boost you get.

Well, I'm going to roll a dice for that, but I think that's just a one.

Can I put a chef hat on you?

Ooh, yeah.

Or make me an idiot sandwich.

This is going to be the first 11-part hosting job for us to climb a mountain.

Because I'm immediately going to undo what Bob just did.

You're up here.

Yes.

Yeah.

There's your hat.

All right.

Right.

There it is.

Well done, Bob.

Wade.

I pray to the God of reverse inclines to flip this mountain so we're at the top.

What?

All right.

Okay.

You know, if I'm already at the top, I'm at the top, you know?

No, yeah.

We'll do the god of reverse incline.

I got you, man.

I hear you.

I don't like the laughter.

I've heard you loud and clear, my guy.

God, I hope this succeeds.

Fucking 12, my man.

Yes!

I win!

God, I've reverse inclined.

Yeah?

Yeah, all the laughter is very reassuring.

I think Wade's about to have a great turn.

I think I got exactly what I wanted out of this.

Okay.

Here we go.

Reverse incline.

Flip this mountain.

All right, man.

What the.

That's right.

They buried Bob.

Okay.

Which one do you want, man?

Which one?

Oh, man.

The one with the elbow up, of course.

You got it.

Of course, man.

Of course you do.

The power stroke.

All right.

So now you are.

You moved up one.

Congratulations.

You successfully prayed.

Oh, no.

Fuck.

Hold on.

I combined your head to that one.

I got to make a new one.

Hold on.

I meant to shut up.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you.

hey, hey, get out of here.

Listeners, it's my face.

It's terrible.

Hold on, hold on.

For the listeners, a giant wade head just appeared on screen.

So you are now reverse incline.

What about my pebbles?

I'm getting to it.

I'm getting to it.

Thank you.

All right, you're reverse inclining.

Listeners, I am now a workout warrior who is doing a reverse incline while wearing a fruity pebble hat.

You're reverse incline rowing the boulder.

And you made it up one.

All right.

Bob.

Oh,

I

pray to

the god of squirrels, five nights at Friday's, and YouTube himself, Markiplier, to please, pretty, please.

move me up two steps.

I like the wish and it's or the wish, the prayer, prayer very specifically.

This is a wish.

But I'm not allowing specific steps, but I do think this is a very powerful wish.

So if you succeed, you get to roll the other dice.

You get to roll the other dice.

There's another dice.

The ones that work?

The ones that go higher than 10.

It's on the same spinner.

It's on the same spinner.

17, baby.

Not biased.

17.

Yeah.

So not only did you pray to probably the most powerful God of them all, the guy who's actually in charge of this, so

you get to roll the how powerful is this, how many steps up you move, die.

Come on, nine.

They don't have a d3 because I don't think a d3 exists.

Can roll a d6 and just yeah, I'm rolling d6, dividing it by two.

Yeah, and then rounding up.

Okay.

Damn, three spots.

It was a six.

It was a solid six.

I chose the right god.

One, two, three.

He has made incredible progress in just a single move.

Yes.

Now, see, this is the key.

You got to pray to the right gods.

If you pray to the right gods, they might be more powerful than other ones.

And

I'm making determinisms about that.

Wait.

I pray to the god of chutes and ladders to send us back to start.

Both of us would.

The whole thing just becomes a...

Oh, God, yes.

We're both going back down.

Oh, wow.

That's really funny.

That is very funny.

I would have saved that for what I was more than halfway up, but whatever.

I don't have good luck, so I gotta try.

Let's just waits every turn for the rest of it.

He doesn't even try and go forward.

Ah, that would have been so good.

It's a six.

God, I would have put, I would have put shoots in

a step or two, would have had a shoot on it.

Damn it.

God, that would have been so good.

Okay.

All right, if there's a knockoff game of shoots and ladders, I'll allow you to pray to that specific God.

All right, Bob, you're up.

I pray to the God

of Crisco

to cover Wade's boulder in that slippery bullshit so that he loses control over it and rolls back down the hill.

That's how it's going to be, then you don't even get to take one step with me up this mountain.

All right, okay, let's see.

Come on, God of Crisco, come on.

Nine.

I'm so sorry.

These are fickle gods.

I'm sorry.

It's true, though.

You know, not all prayers are answered, and you guys are really machine gunning the prayers up there, but, you know, it just didn't work.

It's a miracle any of them are answered.

Yeah.

Wade.

I got my t-shirt gun ready to go up with my prayer inserted and I'm going to fire up to the god of the climb and slide to make this thing full of climb.

Climbs and slides.

It's the ruin thing.

It is by Parker Brothers.

I found it.

Climb and slide?

Are you talking like gymnasium equipment or a board game?

Oh, no, it's a board game.

Climb and slide by Parker Brothers.

Oh, it sure is.

He said if I found a knockoff.

All right, he's going for the climb and slide.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

Boom.

The nine again.

I swear, I swear, this is probably good.

It spins really good.

Find another one.

Wade, find another one.

You got it.

I'm spinning.

I'm spinning.

I'm spinning.

Well, it's not my turn, I guess.

I'm still here.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

I pray to the God

that made the Toys and Toy Story come to life.

Whoever did that, to send me an army of little green army men who are sentient and alive and will help me move the rock up the mountain.

Okay, all right, all right, that sounds cool.

I like that idea.

Jing, the god of whoever made the toys and toy story, do whatever they do, whether that's Pixar or whoever.

16!

God, it was so close to the nine.

The 16 is right next to the nine.

I don't know how that you guys are hearing the brakes being applied.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay, all right, yep, and then I'm just gonna quickly get rid of that.

Get out of here.

I should have left that in there.

All right, it's credit to Vasco.

So now, what you have is an assist

of tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny soldiers.

Listeners, they're really tiny soldiers.

Many is many is mighty.

They'll give you a plus one on your rolls.

They'll give me a plus one on my rolls.

All right.

You're all going to pray together.

You're all going to pray together from now on.

Yeah, it's a combined effort.

All right, Wade.

All right.

It's time for slippery ice and lifts.

Dear God of slippery ice and lifts.

Slippery wagon, confirm this.

I need help getting Bob and I back to the bottom.

Wait, I'm not getting any hits on this.

It's an alternative board for snakes and ladders.

Why didn't you say snakes and ladders?

I was saving that one.

All right.

Slippery ice and lifts.

Oh, that's a very different board than what.

Look at those buns.

Jesus.

All right, I'll keep looking for this.

Yeah, we'll go snakes while I look through this.

Hey, if it works, you won't need to do it again.

So let's see.

It won't.

Oh, come on, man.

Believe.

You got to believe.

Nord of your praise aren't working.

I, dude, I, I, I, dude, I, I don't, I don't know how that happened.

It's a nine.

Yeah, Wade, I think we uh think you might be you might be in a bad spot with this.

I got this.

I don't know

how the fuck I'm.

It's a wheel.

I can't cheat it.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

How could I?

How could I?

How could I?

Bob?

I

pray to Power Thirst, the god of energy drinks, to

give me some power thirst to allow me to achieve all my dreams.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

All right, here we go.

I'm going to stop it quicker this time.

I was doing it slow.

13.

Yes.

Bang on 13.

13 all right plus one yes 14.

yeah power thirst it's in a can

you're juiced up you're up one another plus one but that only lasts for three turns you're solid you're gonna crack you're gonna get crashed hard you're gonna so i have plus two right now no yeah you're gonna be plus two now but uh after three that was first turn after two more turns you're gonna be minus one because of the crash but only for three more turns if it lasts that long which which how the fuck would it ever last that long all right, Wade.

I pray to the god of mudslides to send one down so that Bob has to retreat.

Is this a board game, or are you talking real mudslides?

Real mudslides!

I can't find my other variants.

All right, okay, come on.

I'm really rooting for you, man.

I don't believe you.

I am, I am.

Watch.

It's gonna win.

If it's a nine, I'm quitting this game.

Okay, it's not a nine,

It's an eight.

You like the better, man?

No,

Bob, what do you want?

What was your plus two?

I get the plus two.

Well, clearly, I pray to the God that left the stunning plot hole in the Lord of the Rings franchise where they should have just gotten the eagles to carry them to the fires of Mount Doom to begin with to get rid of the ring to send the eagles my way so that I may be eagled up the mountain.

Powerful.

Powerful.

Powerful.

That was a hell of a prayer.

Wade, it's okay.

That was a four.

It was a four.

Just like in the movies, it never happened.

That makes it a six.

It's a six.

Yeah, you're right.

Good call.

Good call.

It was a six.

Ah.

Wade, back to you.

I pray to the god of monopoly to give Bob a go directly to jail.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200 card.

I don't know where.

I think you already are in jail because it's kind of the whole thing.

False.

There's no bars.

This is not an O.J.

Simpson novel.

18!

No.

Go to jail, Bob.

18!

Is it focused?

I can't even tell.

I can't wait to see how this wish pans out.

What we're going to do is I'm going to make a jail cell.

All right.

Jail cell.

Yeah.

All right.

So I'm making a jail.

I'm going to put it here.

You're going to be sent back then.

You're in jail.

But just like in Monopoly, if you land on it, you don't go to jail.

You're just visiting.

So, Bob, you are in jail, and like Monopoly, you have to roll to get out on your turns, or you have to roll doubles or pay the fine.

What's the fine?

How do I roll doubles?

I don't have two dice.

You spin twice.

Maybe you got to get rid of one of your boons.

I could roll my own dice.

Yeah, you could.

Yeah.

So if you, uh, if you want, you either roll to get doubles or you pay with one of your boons.

I think, to be fair, though, it's only like a D6 you have to roll doubles on.

It's not a D20.

Yeah, yeah, it's a D6.

Yeah.

All right.

So, Bob, it's back to you.

You're in jail.

What do you do?

What do I get to like start my turn and just see if I can roll doubles and see if I can get out?

Or how does that?

Yeah, you do.

I have Monopoly, you do.

You just roll and see if you can.

All right, I've got two

D6s from two different sets of dice, both purple.

I'm going to roll them, see what happens.

Yeah, that's right.

You enjoy jail.

You ain't going to be there for a while.

I rolled a two and a three.

Ha ha, you fiend.

Still in jail.

Are you able to try to give a boon right away or do you want to wait there?

I'm going to wait.

Okay, he's going to wait.

All right.

Wait, actually, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to try something.

I give up my power thirst because I lose that next turn anyway or whatever.

What happens if I sacrifice that?

Is as if I never had it?

No, you drank it.

You did drink it.

So I think it would.

No, but how would you?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

If you give up the boon, I think it just wipes it off, and then you don't get the benefit or the negative.

I sacrifice my power thirst.

Wade, how does that sound?

I wasn't listening, so yes.

Okay, let's let's add something here to make this fair.

We're gonna make a go-to-jail space, and it's gonna be right here.

So you gotta play it strategically.

The step before the end for listeners.

Well, how about wait, what's more fair to everybody?

Because it's like I think here you really would have to really get that.

I don't want to make it too unfair.

And go to jail isn't even like it in Monopoly, it's like the third corner, isn't it?

Yeah.

What if you just put it two steps ahead of jail so that when you go to jail, you just go two steps back?

Okay, that's fair.

That sounds good.

That's good.

And it's got to point in the right direction.

Okay.

Og Liage.

We all know what that means.

This is ancient wherever it is.

Ogliage.

All right.

So, Bob, you get rid of your power thirst.

You're now out of jail.

You lose this.

All right.

Now it's back to Wade.

Really making a lot of progress, Wade.

Oh, dear God of the bat grapple.

Please hook me to Bob and pull me up.

The Utah Batman's grappling hook thing.

Yes, the one that pulls him right to the bad guys.

It does have a limited range, but I'm going to consider this.

Let's see what happens.

13.

Oh!

I'll give you this.

It's not just for getting to bad guys because he's four steps away.

That's the thing.

If he was within three, I might say that.

I'll let you, I'll spin the powerful god die, and I'll give you a bat grapple.

How's that sound?

Yes.

But it's just for decoration.

No, okay.

Otherwise, you'd be like, I use my back grapple.

I mean, it could be a plus one, I guess.

I figure it was a one-time use.

It could be a plus one.

Maybe.

I mean, Bob has so many.

All right, man.

Come on.

Why is the back grapple coming out of your ass, Wade?

You know how I fire.

That's how I get the extended range.

I mean, if I had it the other way, it'd be, you know, I don't know if you want that.

Either have a boner or a tail.

Yes, yes, a tail.

Oh, I'm thinking Ben.

All right.

So, and now you go powerful God roll.

That's right.

Yeah.

Two.

You go up one in space.

All right.

Wait, I'm so sorry.

I should have given you like plus one on the incline bench because that was a good one.

You know?

Oh, man, those nines certainly would have been tens.

Tens.

Yeah, it would have been.

All right, Bob.

I pray to the God of nines that any time a nine is rolled, it is given to Wade as his next value for whatever roll he gets to have.

Which if it's the power, if it's the power dice roll, might be good.

I'm not sure how that would happen, but.

Okay, all right.

So, yeah, the stipulation is it applies to the next roll, whatever it is.

Whatever the next roll for Wade is, even if I roll a nine, if Wade rolls a nine, I don't know, it's your discretion.

Maybe it's his next, like, whatever.

Here we go.

Boom.

Three.

Sorry, man.

I'm coming for you, Bob.

All right, Wade, it's your turn.

What you got?

I pray to the God of trampolines to make this mountain very bouncy so I can bounce up much easier.

Not sure how that affects a rolling boulder, but all right.

Wouldn't you like to know?

10.

Plus one!

10 plus 1!

It works!

How in the fuck does this work?

It's really strong material.

Is that next space, or is his current space just become a trampoline or something?

What do we?

Yeah,

let's call it that.

I think.

Blue.

Is that helpful?

All right, you get the first blue one I see.

Oh, yeah, it's got that boulder aiming aiming targeting square.

All right.

So it's right under your feet.

This is now a trampoline square.

And

I think whenever you land on it, you get a roll of

the three die.

The six that is actually a three die.

And that'll chuck you forward.

So right now you're on it.

And if anyone ever gets back to this one, they get bounced.

This feels like ultimate chicken horse where we're slowly building our own course to

the finish line.

That was the idea.

Wonk.

Okay, three, but that's divided in half round up.

We round up on that.

So that is a two.

So you go for two spaces.

I smell your ass from here, Bob.

I wouldn't.

Donk.

All right, so for everyone who's listening who has not followed at all,

let me give a recap.

There are 10 steps on this mode.

Second step contains a blue trampoline.

Wade bounced from that to the fourth step.

He is now right behind Bob, who is the fifth step, who has green army men under his boulder, a chef's hat on that does nothing.

He is in front of jail because he just got out of it.

If you land on the fifth step, it doesn't send you to jail.

That's just visiting.

But if you land on the seventh step, you go to jail.

Are we clear?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

There's a checkered flag on the tenth step at the top of the mountain.

All right, Bob, back to you.

I pray to the God of farts that I might blast such furious gas

that I scare way down a step.

That's a good wish.

I mean, prayer?

Oh, no.

I have a plus one still.

Well, you got a one.

Wade, in DND rules, I mean, anyone that knows DND rules, if you roll a one, even if you have bonuses, it's still a critical failure.

Yes, if you use the critical failure, critical success rolls, if you roll a one, it would be a crit failure.

Like, if you're doing an attack roll, you cannot hit if you roll a one, even if your pluses would get you to the DC.

Uh-oh, that's bad.

I don't know how the god of farts is going to punish you for your hubris.

He burps and knocks himself down to me.

Okay, oh no, I know, I know what it is.

Uh, you'll get sent back down, but also you're getting turned into a dung beetle.

Oh, no, but they're good at this.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's still functionally, you will you're rolling a ball, but your ball is now a turd, and you are now a beetle.

Ah, classic gods stuff.

And you're getting sent back down a step.

Yeah.

All right.

So, and you're going to be right there, Wade.

Sorry about the poop that's right next to you.

And as a dung beetle, you're just not as strong as a human.

So you now have minus one, which effectively offsets those tiny green men.

They're still there.

They're loyal for sitting under that turd, but they're there.

But it's not helping.

Damn, that's a lot of punishments for a one.

I hope I never roll one.

You wouldn't.

That's the risk of the gods.

All right, Wade, your turn.

I pray to the God

of hot air balloons

to help carry me up.

11.

Perfect.

That'll do.

That's a 12.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, holy shit.

Oh, that's taking me to the top, baby.

Listeners, it's the biggest balloon you've ever seen.

It shrunk.

The largest hot air balloon in existence just popped in.

Holy shit.

That's gonna help.

That's gonna help.

So, Wade, that's also a, I believe, a powerful roll.

Two.

Sorry, it's actually not that potent.

It's here, but I'll give you a bonus.

So that's a plus one now.

So you got a total plus two.

I'll take it.

All right.

We've made tons of progress here.

I'm basically at the halfway point.

Time to ruin more of our progress.

i pray to the god of the video game chain together no

to chain wade and i together so that we may not get too far apart on this journey oh please please

oh please we could be a four-parter 17

yes

baby you're chained together oh that is beautiful.

Well played.

Well played.

It's going to make that go to jail thing real tricky.

But if you get pulled to jail, he'll just get pulled one away.

We'll make it like that.

That's nice.

That's a good amount.

We'll put that under both of you.

I really don't know that I thought this through very well.

I don't know.

Because

if either of us goes to jail, we both get moved.

But how will any of us avoid the jail thing?

Because only one of us moves at a time and we can only be one step apart.

One person has to move three steps in order for us to both avoid jail.

Yeah, this is you really tricked this up.

Good luck, us.

All right, Wade.

Drag me up the hill, will you?

Oh, I will.

I pray to the God of bed and breakfast to give me a hearty meal and good rest.

So I'm strong enough to move up today.

All right, cool.

Sadly, it's a four.

There are no bedding breakfasts in Syphys.

All right, they were out of pancakes and they locked up the yogurt at 5 a.m.

Okay.

Whew, I don't have a lot going for me right now.

I pray to the God

of military research and development to help me turn my turdball into an F-A-22 fighter jet.

Holy shit.

What kind of tech do they have now?

They can do anything they want with an unlimited supply of money.

When you're DARPA, you get anything.

All right, here we go.

Wham.

12.

Plus one.

Your penalties are offset.

You have plus zero right now because minus one for the dung ball, plus one for the pressure.

Oh, that's right.

But it's still a success.

So,

man, I guess.

All right, FA22.

Well, that will remove your penalty, though, because you're no longer pushing poo.

I got an FA22 here, I think.

It's the only transparent image of it that I can find.

I hope it's correct.

I'm sure it will be woefully woefully not quite correct enough for whomever knows about these things.

That's going to really hurt when it yanks one of our chains.

I got to separate the beetle from the dung.

Hold on, you're still a dung beetle.

Listeners, the dung is becoming a plane.

Damn, that looks awesome.

It's such a beetle

riding on the exhaust boards of a jet fighter.

That's a pretty powerful role, huh?

Powerful pro.

Oh, yeah.

Powerful prayer.

Powerful.

And not that powerful, apparently.

God, it's a two.

Geez.

All right, man, these rolls are really rolling good, guys.

I gotta warp this

listeners.

The chain is bending.

I should have puppet warped this in all kinds of unnatural ways.

The chain is catching up.

Okay, it's good enough.

I don't know why that was necessary at all.

Okay, man, this spot is so focused.

The fifth step has everything except the trampoline and the go-to-jail side.

It's a goddamn doozy this step.

Here, I'm gonna wait.

There's a fighter jet, there's a hot air balloon.

I'm gonna raise him up.

Wade's floating away on his hot air balloon.

Just to separate it out a little bit.

All right, okay, all right, okay, all right, all right.

We're back in it.

All right, Wade back you.

I pray to the god of giant tiger woods in his prime to swing a magnificent golf club to hit my boulder and raise me up.

Giant tiger woods?

You know, the old giant tiger woods.

It's got to be big enough to swing a golf club at a boulder.

Okay, you really got to be careful with your prayers, man.

You are praying to the god of giant tiger woods.

Not giant tiger woods.

You're praying to the god of giant tiger woods.

So that he may supply us with a giant Tiger Woods.

I see what's going on here.

He's going to hit my boulder like a golf ball.

He is.

Okay, 13.

Yes, Tiger.

There he is.

That's Prime Tiger.

He's got the red Nike polo and everything.

We got Giant Tiger Woods is on the scene.

Yeah, he's about to hit the fuck out of you.

He's doing this famous fist pump one-arm back swing.

He's about to fucking beat Wade's bowler so good.

Man, this is Prime Tiger Woods.

He hit every swing the way he wanted.

This is a powerful one.

This is really good.

All right, here we go.

He's swinging.

He's winding.

He's gunning.

He's got the wind up.

And three.

That's two.

Uh-oh.

I'm back here again.

Even better, you're trapped in...

Wait, if he's trapped in jail, that means I can't...

Wait a minute.

All right, here's how it goes.

This is how the physics are going to play.

Shoom!

Then the chain pulls.

Chain pulls.

Bob.

Wade moves up two.

I move up one.

Wade lands on the go-to-jail.

Yep.

This is what success does.

All right.

Okay.

And then it's like, and then suddenly, swoop.

You're back in jail.

Wade is in jail.

Got it.

Jail Wade.

You are.

And then right back there, you crash right there.

So Bob is now ahead of.

I'm so glad I succeeded.

I successfully imprisoned myself and moved Bob up one.

Tiger Woods is very menacing.

Is he just going to stay here?

Sure is.

He sure is.

Tiger Woods is standing on steps three and four, just waiting to cause more problems.

Don't you remember him from the Tale of Syphilis?

All right.

Okay.

Who's it?

Who's who's Whose turn was it?

I don't even know.

That was Wade's turn for some reason.

Yeah, I successfully did all of that.

So, Bob, if you go forward and he's in jail.

I can't move.

Yeah, I don't think you can move.

All right, okay, anyway, Bob.

I pray

to

Loki, trickster god,

to

come and reveal that the version of me that's actually chained to Wade was just an illusion this whole time, and the real version of me is not chained to anyone and then let me fly my f-22 hopefully at least two steps up oh you gotta be careful with this wish because if you're not that you do you have those boons are you even that high up we'll we'll see what happens

12.

Do you have any negatives?

You're good?

I'm neutral, right?

Well, you should actually be plus two, I think, because you have the F-18 and the Army.

You lost your Poo.

Yeah, I lost my Poo, and I have a fighter jet.

Is that?

Or and I still have the Army men, so am I plus plus one now?

You're still no, it's the dung beetle that really you don't have as much strength.

Okay, so I am still a beetle.

Yeah, so you have a total of plus one.

All right, here we go.

There is a separate timeline.

You have split off from this timeline, okay?

You've split off from it.

It's still technically there, but you've split off from it, okay?

What happened is it wasn't a perfect copy, and ah, oh, what the hell?

He's getting bisected

into separate universes.

This is really, really delightful for the

listeners or the viewers, not the listeners at all.

What have we done to Tiger?

I don't know.

He's not feeling too good.

All right.

And now all of this is at a lower.

He's the bridge between dimensions.

But the end result is in this dimension, Shane's gone.

Jane's gone.

Good.

All right.

Wait, no.

It was a powerful wish.

You also get a spin of the powerful.

Come on.

That's a lot of successes for not a 20.

It was just a long, drawn-out success.

Three.

Split in half.

Rounded up.

That's two.

Oh, wait.

That's what I want.

Woo.

Holy shit.

You did it.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Wade, you have plenty of boons to give up.

Yeah, I give up my inclined press.

Just fuck with Mark.

God damn it.

Shouldn't have fucked me, Mark.

Just as a special fuck you to Mark, for the listeners who aren't watching, Mark replaced Wade's body on his character with the incline press picture.

So now Mark has to go try and find whatever he used originally.

I don't think I have it anymore.

I think I gotta go make it again.

Oh no!

All right, you get the the quickest, stupidest version of it, though.

There we go.

That's good enough.

You're now.

Yeah, you just get stretched.

You just get stretched.

All right.

Wade's face just gets distorted.

All right.

Well, he has a bigger boulder, which I was going to point out, but he also has a much bigger head.

That's right.

Now do I get to do my thing?

No, that was your thing.

Giving up a boon is your whole turn since when?

You get out, you're in jail.

Didn't Bob get a turn after getting out?

Bob, did you get a turn after you got out?

No, I got out of jail and that was it, wasn't it?

I'm pretty sure you like hooked me with the chain.

You did something else that particular round.

No, no, that was way back when you did the battering to get back up to him when he got out of jail.

No, yes, unfair.

All right, I don't think, I don't think I did, but if you did, all right, here we go.

I don't remember.

I'm gonna be honest, but the coins will tell us the truth.

Tails, tails, tails, wait, heads, Heads.

Oh, okay.

Heads, heads, heads.

It's the lady.

It's the lady.

All right.

Wow.

I was about to say.

I was like, oh, no, that's triple bad for me.

Okay, well.

All right, okay.

Wade, it didn't happen that way.

You're remembering it wrong.

You're wrong.

Probably.

The coins are fair and the coins have spoken.

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Bob, it's your turn.

You're two away.

You're so close.

I pray to the god of normal average luck that i might roll a normal decently fine number and move a normal amount of steps forward on this turn and nothing bad will happen all right here we go

that one that one joink ah three Oh, that was pretty normal, I guess, so that's fine.

That was very normal.

All right.

Wait.

I pray to the god of super lasso

that I may lasso Bob to pull him down one and me up one.

Oh, I don't want I don't want that at all.

That's why it's a super lasso.

That's a three-step long lasso.

I don't care for that very much.

Three again.

Oh, I'm looking at the wrong side.

I'm looking at the D12 side.

Did I do that for...

I might have done that for Bob.

Oh, no.

I might have done that for Bob.

What is that on the other side?

It's a four.

Never mind.

It wouldn't have mattered either way.

Then again, where it landed with the three,

I'm going to say it disqualified for either.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Bob.

I pray to myself,

God of being me,

to operate my F-A-22 jet and take one simple step forward with my top tier sky superiority fighter.

All right.

You pray to the God of being myself.

All right.

I don't like the way he said that.

18.

Nice.

So you prayed to the god of being yourself,

which I think gets you changed back.

Oh!

And then also, it's still an F18.

22, F22.

Erase half my face.

All right, there you go.

And.

Very nice, very nice, very nice.

And now I'm out of super lasso range.

All right.

Oh, don't worry.

I got a good one here.

I pray to the God of chaos to move the finish line to a random step on the mountain.

Holy shit.

Uh-oh.

I didn't even know that was possible.

Maybe it's not.

Huh?

Anyone?

18 again.

Hey, that's a 20 with my pluses.

No, plus, it's not 18 with my pluses.

That's what it is.

You could zoom in on that, I guess, but it's an 18.

Man, I never expected that to actually be a thing.

So we're going to do it anyway.

You just need to roll a D11?

It's going to...

Okay.

It's going to 10.

Okay, I don't know if this is even possible.

Oh.

You can't land on this spot because you'll be bounced.

That's a turpole each spot.

That's right.

I don't know what to to do about that thank you god of chaos so the finish line is now on step two of 10 wade is on step five and i am on step nine yes wow there's a weird cosmic hole in step 10 now oh wait sorry wade also prayed to the god of chaos so i'm gonna roll the dice i think that's powerful enough to be a powerful roll right but which way do i move it could be backwards or forwards it's chaos man hell tell you what Odd number, I move toward Bob.

Even, I move back down.

Okay, that's fair.

That's good.

I like that.

Odd, which one was odd?

I moved towards you.

Or he moved towards me.

Okay, all right.

Chaos, baby.

It's chaotic.

What was the number?

It was a three.

I said it out loud.

You didn't, but I believe you.

Oh, no, I said odd.

Three.

It was three.

But doesn't that mean he moves

two steps?

No, no, no.

That would be too.

Because I was saying it shouldn't be the full three, because if he got like negative three, it'd be back to the finish line.

We'd be over.

So Wade moved up to step six.

Got it.

Well, good job, Wade.

You made forward progress.

Thank you, God of chaos.

Bob.

I pray to the God of lifts and runs.

Oh, we better find the board for that.

A novelty ski resort themed version of chutes and ladders.

I found the ice one that said the same thing.

Search for lifts and runs.

It's out here, here, boys.

Okay.

To put a chute from step nine to anywhere between step one and three.

All right.

Okay.

I got you.

I hear you loud and clear.

None of these have ever worked, so let's see if this one does.

Nope.

Four.

Shit.

Never could happen.

No chutes and ladders for us.

It's never going to happen.

Wade, back to you, man.

I pray to the God of trampoline magnetism to attract me to the nearest trampoline.

I love your optimism, but I have established, and I'll say this ahead of time: we've established wishes, prayers.

Sorry, keep saying that.

Only have a three-step range.

You are four steps from the trampoline.

He can be drawn toward it.

I will allow that.

I was only going to allow forward progress, but I will allow it.

Five.

Do you still allow it?

No.

Okay.

All right, Bob.

We'll only allow forward progress.

I pray to the god of Guyan Chowpur,

which was the original game from India that inspired Chutes and Ladders.

That was

based around themes of karmic

justice and balance and all things.

I can hear you.

13!

Fucking finally!

And the truth?

The shoot was here the whole time.

Oh, that's not the right direction at all.

There was always

a shoot in this game because

if you would ever go over the line, you would be returned back to the beginning.

And the game would continue for fucking ever.

That is a powerful wish if I ever heard prayer.

Why do I keep saying wish?

Three, you go for two, which means you go,

oh,

donk.

As I literally always intended.

That was always the intention.

I just expected there to be a lot more threes going on in this game.

All right, for those listening, I expanded my canvas in the Photopia app to reveal that I had always had another side of the mountain that was more slippery, and there was a ramp at the bottom that was going to chuck them back to the beginning.

I had intended to be this reveal like halfway through the game, not an hour and 35 minutes into the recording.

But

let's say that things are really good now, and I'm going to give you both plus one on the rolls just to say I wish you luck.

All right, Wade.

I pray to the god Michael Jackson himself of moonwalking that I may moonwalk toward the flag.

Also, I'm on step zero right now, so the checker flag is on two.

I'm on zero.

Wade is on six.

Oh, it's an 18.

Oh my god, it is an 18.

Holy shit.

I broke it.

What the fuck?

No.

No.

It broke.

What the fuck?

Looks like this is a tie.

Oh, it just snaps back together.

We're fine.

Okay.

All right.

We're good.

We're good.

All right.

That's powerful.

The God of Moon Walking.

So you're going backwards now, I guess.

It's so on the line.

It landed almost exactly on the line between five and three.

Well, if you can't tell, I certainly can't tell through this image.

I'm going to call it a four

would be a two anyway.

So, yeah, I guess.

All right.

Okay.

It would be a two.

So you go down two.

Whoa.

Bob, we are equidistant.

All right, Bob.

I pray to the God of the Texas two-step dance

that I may take

two Texas steps forward.

Eight, which gets you to 11.

That is as close as it gets.

All right.

Let me look up the Texas two-step.

All right, Texas two-step.

Because some of these dances don't exactly have two steps.

Oh, no, it's, yeah, no, it's each foot does two steps.

So it is two steps.

Right, left, left, left, right, right, left, left.

So here's what I'm going to do.

If it was just a two, I would give you, you'd win immediately.

I'm going to vastly improve your odds of getting a two in this role.

Wait, does that sound fair?

Yeah, I don't have a coin to say otherwise.

So, I mean, that's what I was going to do.

I was going to make it more 50-50 as opposed to a one-third, you know, like a two out of six, one out of three option.

Does that sound fair?

Yeah, that's fine.

So you're much more likely to get a two.

You could still get a one and move.

What do you want heads to be, Bob?

Which one do you want to be the two?

Two tails for two, two for tails.

Oh!

It's a two, baby.

I believe you.

He did it.

It was right there.

It wasn't out of focus.

It was blurry.

It was tails.

Listeners, it was a quotation mark.

Tails.

And you have escaped, and then Wade is stuck here for

ever.

It's not so bad.

So, thank you, boys.

This is the end of Sisophysian, which is the name of the game.

The most perfectest climb.

Much like anything we do, where it's like, oh, this will go faster than I think.

It never does.

It never does.

I apologize for taking so long.

We could have had two episodes.

This could have been a two-parter.

So, all the listeners in their car, they had the Sisophysian journey of trying to imagine what the hell we were laughing at the entire time.

I wasn't even keeping track of any kind of bonus points or anything like that.

Is it all right if I retroactively kind of go through and think of the contributions?

Sure.

Wade, you affected the landscape so goddamn much.

I really did.

Wade did a lot of shit.

Holy shit, Tiger Woods, the alternate dimension.

It just didn't help him get to the finish line.

Wade, you got points for Schrodinger's car.

Disappointing.

I forget why.

Update, llama thing,

Borat, Sisyphus, Smelly Pits, going first point.

And then you got six points for affecting the landscape.

Trampoline,

grappling hook, J.

No, not jail.

Air balloon.

You did Tiger Woods?

I did Tiger Woods in jail.

You moved the goalpost.

You did one more thing.

Jail.

I did jail.

Jail.

You did jail.

Okay, you did jail.

That's six points for that.

Bob, you got a sick burn right off the bat.

You were wearing a green shirt.

Truck heist.

Land after time was very funny.

Bucket of wheelchairs reference, which counts as a callback.

Scozzo Y point.

Segway.

Segway, boys.

Who are you, Wade?

You got two points for the win.

Alternate dimension hell, the chain, and then...

I became a fighter jet and a dung dung beetle okay yeah that probably cosmically works but the dung beetle was a critical failure i guess technically but wade should that count well if he the fighter i think it would the fighter jet and the dung beetle would cancel out if you count the failure as a minus one wouldn't it yeah that's true i didn't give you a hot blue hot air balloon point or anything so i thought you said you did oh if i did then i think it should count he went through a dung beetle transformation it probably counts all right either way Very reflective of the landscape.

I'll tell you the score.

We got Wade, you had seven early bonus points.

You had six other points, so that puts you at 13.

Bob, you had six previous points and five, so you're at 11.

So it's a two-point spread.

Even though Bob took the win, Wade's decisions made the landscape crazy.

I'm losing?

That shocks me too, actually.

I feel like we're missing something for your side, Bob.

I feel like you did something else.

I chained us together.

Did you give me a point for that?

You got the win and fire jet alternate dimension chained together?

Yeah, I counted that.

Chef, does the chef do anything big?

Yeah, you got the Gordon Ramsey rage thing.

That really.

Mark didn't seem impressed by that.

No, I didn't get point for fruity pebbles.

You know, that didn't really do it.

Yeah, I think this is about as fair as I can make it, and unfair has already been called, so it can't be called again.

This is it.

Spin that wheel.

Well, I guess I want this one to be a three, don't I?

I mean, Mark had a crazy comeback last game, so I guess you could too.

Oh, no, it could be sudden death.

It was a one.

What do you want to add to the wheel, Mark?

Is there a worst luck?

No.

All right.

Worst luck.

All right.

I shuffled them multiple times.

We have 40 options on the wheel.

Shall we?

Yes.

I'm ready.

Come on.

Thud and death.

I didn't eat.

I don't think either of us ate.

I only drank.

By the rules, if neither of you qualify, it's a respin.

So you're saying there's a chance.

I really thought it was the other one.

All right, who thunked the hardest?

I think Wade was really thinking through all the options to get there.

I'm not saying that qualifies because not all of them worked out.

There was a lot of thought going into his things.

I didn't think particularly hardly in the episode.

Unless Wade is also going to volunteer that he didn't think very much.

He definitely.

The most thought I put in was how can I find alternate versions of shoots and letters.

I think that qualifies.

I think you got this, Wade.

Congratulations, Wade, with 14 beautiful points.

A three-point lead despite Bob's victory.

You are the winner of the overall episode.

Congratulations.

What do you have to say?

I'll be pushing boulders in a really alternated landscape now.

I'll give your guy a trophy later.

So he can live with his trophy forever.

And Bob, you lost.

That's unfortunate, despite your victory in there.

How do you feel?

And now it's time for the loser speech brought to you by Apple Cash.

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I'm stunned.

I'm stunned that this is where we are after I won the most outrageous game.

And Wade did do a lot of stuff.

Well, I did a lot of stuff too.

I made things happen.

I made such cool stuff happen that I won the game.

But apparently that was worth one more point than Wade successfully climbing up one stair in the middle of the game.

Doesn't feel bad.

Doesn't feel great.

Could feel better.

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All right, well, anyway, that's the episode.

The winner winner's speech.

You already said it.

Did you?

Well, you did.

Did I have a winner's speech and I missed it?

Yeah, I said, what do you won?

What do you have to say?

And then you said things, and then I went over to Bob.

I said, loser speech.

All right.

I okay.

Back to you, Mr.

Yeah, all right.

Anyway, so uh, too much thinking.

He's got to let it cool off up there.

Uh, thank you, everybody, so much for listening and/or watching.

Uh, the listeners, it's not all about you,

but I wish it was.

I pray to the god of ears that your ears become eyes so you can enjoy.

Let's see if that works.

All right.

17.

Holy shit.

Sorry about that, everybody.

All right.

So anyway, all will become watchers and thank you.

Have a lovely time.

Follow Bob at Micecurim.

Wait at Lord Meaning 777 or Meaning 777.

Me and Markiplier.

This has been Distractible.

Birch.

Shut up.

The person doing the intro's name is Baltimore.

you gotta check him out for Cool Warhammer lore videos.

What's his channel name?

Baldimort's 40k Warhammer,

Baltimore's Guide to Warhammer.

That was he hasn't updated the dinosaur one in a while.

Oh, but the living mythology.

That has some updates.

If you want to know where Sisyphus came from, you'll see all of our references to the original Sisyphith legend if you go and learn more about it.

Podcast out.