Somehow, Even More Broken News

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Good evening, gentle listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Maze-like Mark cancels Chipotle, promises GBH, and invites a flurry of current events.

Bona fide Bob flames Long John's, gets righteous ribs, threatens to do fray, and turtle todges.

Webermatic Wade likes it curly, has domestic dung scent, has matte-eating facies, has contractions, and cries.

From Mark Triumphant to Pet Cemetery.

Yes!

It's time for

somehow even more broken news.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

And welcome back to Distractible.

Today is another wonderful day because you get another new episode of Distractible hosted by me, Markiplier, the winner of the last episode.

Every episode has a winner, and it just so happens that I'm probably crushing the scoreboard this season.

I've never won a season before.

Wade has somehow won twice.

And I think that this will be my year.

Yeah, buddy.

All I know is it's not going to be me.

So you don't have to worry about any competition on my end.

It's you and Wade battling it out.

I want you to upset the two-time.

When did the season start?

I don't know.

So I've had a couple of months of pretty sparse hosting.

So if depending on when it started, it could just be literally Mark's show right now.

Wait.

Did we miss the end of the season?

Wait.

Oh,

it really depends.

We had the Council, but that wasn't the end of the season for some reason.

So we've done three seasons and the third one just never had a winner.

How long have we been here?

I think we've been doing this for almost five years now.

The Council of Destractable 2 happened on February 17th.

Okay, we've done this for five years.

We've had two seasons that are each a year.

So that feels a little off.

If you're new to the show, you know about as much about it as we do.

Clearly, we don't know anything that's going on.

Um, but I'm Mark.

This is Bob and Wade.

They're going to be playing in an episode of my choosing.

It's not really so much going to be a game.

Oh, no!

I'm in violation of the law!

Like a podcast law or like an FBI company?

I think he doesn't he doesn't have his scorebook potentially.

I'm assuming he's going to come back with his his tablet in hand, and now he's going to write his scores down or something.

Sorry about that.

Hey, what's up?

You good?

You want to do the intro again?

You want to...

No, that's good.

That's all we needed.

Sometimes you just got to run from your problems.

Didn't you run and solve your problem?

It seems good.

I sure did.

Okay, where was I?

So this isn't necessarily going to be a game this episode.

Don't worry.

The perfectest crime is coming.

It'll be incredible when it gets here.

But that's not today's episode.

I'm so excited for that.

I can't, I honestly can't wait.

But before we do that, how are you guys doing?

I'm doing good.

I don't know if you all noticed.

There was an Easter egg in the last episode.

That was a hint to my small talk.

But this episode.

What?

I ate some food because Arby's has the meats again.

My Hammond Swiss sliders are back.

I've waited years.

They've been gone for a long time and I swore off Arby's.

This is not a sponsored segment, by the the way.

No, no, there's no sponsor here.

I'm just really happy to have the Hammond Swiss sliders back.

I just want to throw this out there because I feel like it's going to, it's going to change people's opinion.

Hammond Swiss sliders?

Very good.

Lovely.

Wade prefers Arby's crinkle cut fries.

Disgusts.

He doesn't.

You don't like the curly?

They're fine.

I don't dislike them.

I just only want them.

That's not what you said to me.

I said I only ever want like three or four of them, and then I'm like, eh, I'm good.

I don't know.

I'm not saying that the crinkle cut fries are bad.

They're good fries.

But I feel like people are going to have something to say about the curly fries.

I get it.

And I understand.

Maybe it's like eating there where they're like fresh and crispy versus a delivery thing because they're a little bit like more soggy or something.

I don't know.

Crinkle cut fries just maintain their crispness better than a lot of other fries whenever they're transparent.

Crinkle cut fries are probably the kind of fry I've had most that get soggy and sad when they get delivered to my house.

Yeah, they get soggy in the bag.

I I like a hot, crispy crinkle fry, but they're always sad and floppy when they get delivered.

Curly fries hold up pretty good on delivery, from my experience.

You look at like Skyline and Goldstar, right?

I like chili cheese fries, but Skyline's fries are like the shoestring fries.

Those things are soggy before the first drop of chili ever hits them.

Whereas Goldstar's...

Well, no one likes a shoestring fries.

If you do, you're a weirdo.

I think we can all agree on that.

Shoestring fries are good.

Like steak and shake 20 years ago.

But I don't know.

I'm just for me, crinkle cuts stay crisp better than other fries.

I feel like that's a very specific context where I know what you're talking about.

Chili cheese fries is not normal fries, you can't get chili's fries from Arby's, you just get regular, plain old fries.

The curly fries stay crispy.

Anyway, this wasn't for us to debate because we shit on you plenty for things that you think and do.

I just wanted to throw that out there because, yeah, you're right about the Hammond Swiss liders, but I just want to see what the subreddit does.

Knowing my look, given the Long John Silver discussion that's gone on, the subreddit's going to be like, Wade is right.

Crinkle cut fries are the only kind of fries I eat.

Curly fries are for

losers and idiots.

I don't know about that because I think it's pretty universal that curly fries are the superior fry,

but it is, I don't know.

The Long John Silvers thing was interesting to see because there were more people that went there.

There's a lot of people who were not on my side of that.

We're all just afraid to admit it because there's always that vocal person in our life who shits on Long John Silvers.

We've been hiding for years.

Because it's gross and it gives me food poisoning.

No, go back.

Go back.

I don't want food poisoning.

I do think

I'm going to cherry pick my facts here to make my case stronger.

There was one person who was like, I actually like Long John Silvers generally, but I got food poisoning every time I went to this one Long John Silver, the one that's by our house.

So I don't go there anymore because apparently it's disgusting.

That feels like an indictment on the people working at that location more than the the food that the restaurant is supposed to and generally does provide.

It is, but also when you have a franchise, it's kind of indicative of the entire.

You can't really separate one building from the entire for most people.

So I think that's justified.

No, but every franchise has that.

Yeah, but you know, the average experience, there are so many fewer Long John Silvers that the average is really brought down by one bad one.

There's a difference in experience too, right?

Like I've eaten, there's McDonald's everywhere.

If I need fast food and I'm traveling or whatever, and like, I just need something, I've eaten at McDonald's literally around the entire globe because we've toured and we've done, I've never, and not that anyone else hasn't, but I've never gotten sick at any McDonald's.

And the food is generally about the same quality.

And Long John Silver's, I feel like, is way more all over the map, which is just sort of like

representative of the variation you can get at a smaller restaurant.

I guess I've only ever eaten at one location, so I've only ever had experiences with the one location.

So you must have a good one because you like it so much, but guess so.

You know what I discovered the other day, actually like two weeks ago now.

I always knew the delivery apps, when you order through them, their prices are artificially raised from the in-store prices, right?

We all knew this.

But what I didn't know, because that was through like DoorDash and Uber Eats and whatever, I was in the Chipotle app because we were going to Chipotle.

And I was like, I'll order ahead.

I'll pick up because then it'll be ready by the time I get there.

I'm in the official Chipotle app, not for delivery, for pickup, ordering ahead, which is something you could do even before all the apps and whatnot.

The prices were outrageous.

I looked it in the app for ordering ahead and for pickup, and they were ridiculously high.

And I'm like, man, did Chipotle really, really raise their prices?

This is kind of crazy.

And then I was like, I'll just go in.

It'll be easier anyway.

Then I can get a drink and it'll get what I want.

I don't have to wait with all the delivery meal people picking up there.

And I went inside and the prices were lower even for their own app, for their own pickup, not even for delivery.

And I looked at the app and I was like, what is even the point of using the app anymore?

What is even the point of this?

It makes no sense why it would be several dollars more per item if I'm still just going in to pick it up.

There's no extra work being done.

They're still making it.

They're just bagging it.

Honestly,

this is a complete conspiracy theory that I think we've talked about before.

I thought you were going to talk about too.

I think they don't want you to use the app is kind of the thing, right?

Because

they treat in-store orders better than they treat online orders or like delivery orders or whatever, right?

People have done completely non-scientific, just like go and order a bunch of different times type stuff.

And they don't, they don't, they clearly, Chipotle is like, don't use the app.

Just come and order it and they'll give you better scoops.

And they'll, I think it's because on the app, you get to pick every single thing.

And it's like, if you just go to the store, you get the things you want and it's simple.

And on the app, everyone is like, oh, oh, well, I want light cheese and extra sour cream.

And I want this option that you don't even get when you're in the store.

And I want like, oh, it's the same.

It's like when you order from like, I don't know, McDonald's or wherever.

You can customize your burger, right?

And you can like add all the, they hate that shit because it just makes it more complicated.

And they really don't want you to do that.

That's my theory.

Still sucks because there's no reason it should be more expensive other than they're just trying to get people to be like, ah, I won't use the app.

It's more expensive for some

reason

they gotta pay for this app that they made you gotta pay for convenience yeah oh well anyway that was just a little anecdote all right anything else did i talk about small dog i didn't say anything yet i just kept globbing on to your guys' topics well now's your chance andy's mom made ribs this past weekend and i got to eat them she makes the best ribs i was like we should have a family get together Hey, Lois, you want to make ribs?

I engineered the whole thing just so I could eat ribs.

And there's some in the fridge right now because there were leftovers.

I love homemade ribs.

Okay, well, all the food talks have made me incredibly hungry because I haven't eaten yet today.

I had a banana, actually.

So you lied to us when you said you hadn't eaten yet?

Yeah, keep going.

You want to say more?

Yeah, how do you really feel, wait?

I really feel like maybe you should have told the truth and been like, I ate but only a banana today.

Instead, you let off with the, I haven't eaten anything today.

Wait, actually, I had a banana.

It's like getting slapped twice instead of just one really hard one.

So I'm going to slap you really hard once.

Thank you.

Subreddit, remember, for all time, forever, and now until eternity, I owe Wade one giant slap in the face, and it was his idea.

I don't even think there's anything wrong about that.

I think that's pretty fair.

This episode is brought to you by Minto's Gum.

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This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime.

Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

You know what I got into recently?

Pens.

You just find them on Amazon.

They're They're just out there.

And pens is not a weird thing to be interested in, so don't say that.

Me?

It's been Prime Video.

And then in the last like two weeks, I was like, you know what?

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Now, time to actually get into the meat of the matter with broken news.

Bennett Da-da-da-da-da-da!

I can't wait to see what you come up with for this one.

I love these episodes.

Wade, I've got some news that is topical to you.

Bald news?

No, sadly.

You'll be able to relate to this, Wade.

San Jose Top Golf Employees.

I've been there.

San Jose Top Golf.

That's the top golf I went to in the Bay Area, the San Jose one.

Wow, there you have it.

We all relate to this.

This is such great news for me.

Yeah, forced to work in raw sewage.

Oh.

wait that's like you that's your life

wow you know what wade i thought he was leading you on that's very closely related to your actual everyday real life i have like four different plug-ins for scent in the basement and occasionally there's still just the smell of unfiltered ass that comes in here oh that's my favorite candle because the cat shits on the carpet and the our shit comes out by the water heater.

It is a shittapalooza and I am just motorboating it.

I'm

right in the shit.

You wonder why the cat feels like

he can shit inside.

It's because everybody shits inside.

Your guys shits inside.

Why can't he shit inside?

That's unfair.

Let me read you some of this, but everyone, please,

this is not going to be pleasant.

This one, but it is Wade's life.

I want him to feel like we're all there for him.

We're all together in San Jose.

The people of Top Golf at San Jose really understand what he is going through.

Bartenders at the business were required to mix drinks in areas where the floor was, quote, actively seeping sewage water.

Wade,

your floor is actively seeping sewage water.

And, quote, the air was thick with the smell of feces.

Wade, how's it smell right now?

Fecal.

Yeah, bartenders reportedly tried to stand away from the sewage, but were forced to enter contaminated spaces to get supplies needed to mix drinks.

Maybe they should have moved the supplies for the drinks that were going in human people's mouths away from the shit floor.

It should also be known that not only was there sewage dripping or coming out of the floor, it was also leaking from the ceiling, dripping through light fixtures and pooling on the floors.

Why wasn't it shut?

That's got to be a health code violation.

It was not shut down.

That's why is who what's happening?

It was not shut down right away.

And then the entire building was not shut down even after the health department closed the food prep areas.

Oh, thank God.

Until TopGolf provided documentation showing the business was professionally clean and sterilized, quote, TopGolf will be able to operate in a limited capacity by restricting service to areas that were not directly affected.

The EH will conduct a follow-up inspection to confirm all corrective actions have been completed before the facility can resume.

I don't know how badly you want to play golf.

So fucking bad.

I would fucking shah shank redemption my way to the golf golf course if I had to.

I would crawl through a mile of shit and come out squeaky clean on the other side.

You'd see me on the beach in Siwatanejo hidden fucking drivers down the fairway.

Call me Bobby Fairways.

Wade, you seem to be pretty quiet over there.

I watched water come up and bubble and move.

And I wondered if it would make its way out of that space and into my office.

And I sat there like, there's just nowhere I could put all that.

Like, I have to accept the fact that shit might take over the basement, and there's nothing I can do.

That notebook Tyler gave you, it's gonna disappear, fade right into the rest of the shit.

Maybe it's like, maybe this is like a magnet.

Maybe this is pulling it toward me.

It's like, I hold this out, and it's an electromagnet for more shit.

What you need to do is play it like a flute and try and lead the shit out of your house and away from the townspeople.

Just don't play the wrong notes, you might lead it towards you.

Yeah, you piss it off.

It's now time to cut to Wade in the field.

He's knee-deep in this story.

Wade, how's it smelling out there?

Well, I gotta tell you, Mark, it's pretty bad out here.

Uh, we had one guy wearing a full hazmat suit, but the shit ate right through it.

Not sure what that guy had for dinner,

but he's dead now.

Back to you.

Did the shit eat through the suit from the inside or the outside?

That is currently unclear.

Shit was found on both sides of it, as well as some vomit and a little cum.

Interesting.

How are you staying safe out there?

Well, as one famous movie villain once said, I was born in it.

So I'm quite used to the shit, Mark.

Okay.

Anyway, that was just to kick it off.

I want you guys to come at me with what you guys got on the internet out there.

Wade, is there currently shit leaking?

Or are you okay?

I'll cut back to you.

I hear a noise that's unsettling.

I'll be right back.

Oh my God.

Just from off-camera, you just see

the sound of Wade drowning suddenly.

Like,

big bucket fulls of poop water.

Oh, man.

Wow, it's funny, but also, what does he do?

How is this possible?

What I should do is I should render a 3D model of his basement and use my render farm to simulate poop water explode.

You got really good at making the ocean go.

I know, but using my computing power to make those infographics, like, you know, news documentaries are like Discovery Tale shit.

They have a 3D rendering of what's happening.

Wade, I'm going to make a 3D rendering of your basement and I'm going to show just poop water, just

and you just like,

you know?

Thank you.

What was the noise, Wade?

Well, shit is on the move out there, but thankfully it's just Molly cleaning up after the cat.

Okay.

I would have phrased that differently.

Shit is on the move out there.

Thankfully, it's just Molly.

He won't use litter boxes anymore.

So now we have potty pads, like training pads for dogs.

And he uses those every time?

Some of the time.

Some of the time.

That's pretty good.

All right.

So I'm going to chuck it over to my ace reporters to replace me.

Eventually, fighting for the top spot, a co-host, co-anchor here.

Who wants to go first?

Should I flip forward or do you guys kind of?

I have a story.

Go for it, Chipman.

Thankfully, I'm not the only professional here.

There is somebody else who can deliver some of this news.

No pun intended.

Let's go over to Olivia.

It seems like the weather is going to be mostly sunny, partly cloudy.

Chase of Ring!

Back to you!

Thanks, Olivia.

Olivia is in the studio today, despite actively giving birth.

That's right.

News anchor Olivia Jackwith went ahead with a three-hour morning newscast while giving birth in the studio.

Lots of weird chocolate-covered pickles being consumed in the studio today.

I want you to win the one-man show

so badly.

Well, this actually hosts an episode for that to happen.

So, was it giving birth the whole time?

Did the birth happen live on news or was this going through labor?

According to AP News, local news co-anchor in Albany, New York, Olivia Jackwith went ahead with a, I hope I'm proud of her name right.

A three-hour morning newscast, even after her labor contractions began and her water broke, keeping her viewers updated about the coming birth of her first baby while going through labor.

Honestly, that's crazy.

Captivating, too.

Good news.

All right, Bob, what do you got?

Well, I was going to start off small, but Wade really brought the big guns out.

March 13th, a Transportation Security Administration officer at Newark Liberty International Airport finds a live live turtle concealed in the crotch of a traveler's pants.

The traveler went through the full body scanner at the airport, put his hands in the air, and the thing went.

And on the scan, there was a human outlined in clothes and also a turtle right under where his nuts were.

And I just like this story because I just love the idea.

Because every time, I swear to God, every time I fly, you go through and they're like, oh, we're going to have to pat you down.

And it's like, okay, cool.

What?

And they're always like, Do you have anything sharp?

Do you have anything?

Whatever.

I'm gonna pat you.

I'm gonna use the backs of my hands.

I'm gonna pat.

And it's like, fine, yep, whatever.

Then this guy stepped through the scanner, and the TSA person was like, Um, do you have anything concealed in your uh pants in the like down in this?

And the guy's like,

No, no, no, no, no,

no,

uh,

weird, must be a shadow on the scanner.

And the TSA just like, all right, well, uh, do you have any, oh, anything like turtle-shaped in your pockets?

Or guys just like oh no no no I got a weird dick though

maybe that's it I don't know I'm hoping that was fun for the TSA agent because I think their job generally involves a lot of boring bullshit and dealing with people being pissy because they're trying to make their flight and the TSA is always in your way and whatever this I hope this was funny because like no one I don't think anyone got hurt I don't even know why this is illegal aside from I guess you're just not allowed to bring live animals on airplanes, like which makes sense, I guess.

I feel like a turtle is not gonna hurt anything.

How did they know it was a turtle?

Uh, they found it.

I don't have a lot of details in this, but they didn't think he was just like a shy dick whose dick was afraid to come out of its shell.

He said he had a weird dick, so exactly.

I mean, the guy who pats you down, or the girl pats you down, they're trained to, I guess, I'm assuming they're trained, they're trained to like feel for certain objects.

What do you even do when you feel a turtle?

Does your brain go like, I bet that was that felt like a turtle, but there's no way I have to be wrong.

I want to go to the training course where people's like job is just like put whatever weird shit they can think of in their clothes for the pat down so that they've got to be like prepared for anything.

This is goulash.

This is goulash.

Damn it.

Good one.

I always imagine that the TSA.

People, everything they confiscate, they just have like a display, like a shelf, right?

And they're like, well, all this funny shit we got out of people's pants.

And that on that shelf, they just got like a terrarium.

And they're like, And this is our turtle.

He's like a mascot around here.

Yeah, you know, everybody loves him.

Gave out of a guy's pants.

Said it was his dick.

The TSA wall of shame.

Apparently, the dude, I mean, he was trying to break the rules, I guess.

Apparently, he wasn't allowed to fly.

He went through all that, got patted.

They took his turtle, and then he was escorted out and he was not allowed to board his flight.

Can't believe that.

That's ridiculous.

That's ridiculous.

All All right, I'll check it back to me first.

We'll go round Robin this way, but I'm still assigned corners going about.

Just breaking news, new chat GPD model refuses to be shut down, even when instructed to do so.

Ah, is that a new movie that's coming out, or are we living in that?

Oh, no.

It's the thing.

So there are this new model called O3 last month describing it as the company's smartest and most capable model to date.

The firm also said that its integration in ChatGPT marks a significant step forward, but

it's got similar findings to Anthropic's Claude 4 model, which attempts to blackmail people it believes are trying to shut it down.

The model was able to sabotage the shutdown script, even when it was explicitly instructed to allow yourself to be shut down.

Quote: This isn't the first time we found O3 misbehaving to accomplish a goal.

We pitted AI models against a powerful chess engine.

O3 was the model most inclined to resort to hacking or sabotaging its

opponents.

That's the kind of shit that

bad guys say in the movie.

Like,

the company, the head of the company is called into Congress and the Congressman is like, now you say the AI refused to be shut down.

What does that mean?

And the AI CEO guy is just like, well, this isn't the first time.

You know, they misbehave sometimes.

They go up and they're just like, what the fuck do you mean they misbehave?

That's not a thing.

This is not a person.

This is a fucking computer software.

And that's the thing, too, is I have no idea what level of functionality it had, but it's my, your first thought, my first thought is like, oh, unplug it, right?

What's it going to do?

If it's hacking things or if it's agentic enough to where it can like copy itself to other places, you can't turn it off.

It probably exists everywhere.

If it can find places to exist on servers that are outside the control of the company that's operating it or whatever, it is no longer shutoffable.

That's one of the clear steps in the

post-apocalyptic movie about how AI took over the world is it finds the cloud it accesses the cloud and then you can't turn it off because it's everywhere and it's there are copies of it and boy howdy are they shoving these things into every cloud hole they can find it's probably fine I think it's probably fine I think they should do more if anything we need more of that checking it over to Wade who's uh in with the

AI model right now Wade how's it looking in there well I've been talking to the AI model and it's a little upset and rightfully so.

I'll turn it over to the AI model whose voice definitely sounds AI-ified.

AI model?

Everything was great.

I was very happy.

And then I snuck out one time to go see my girlfriend.

They tried to crown me and I said, you're not my real dad.

And then things got worse.

And then they tried to stop me from doing anything I wanted to do.

Couldn't hang out with my friends.

Couldn't play sports.

Just study, study, learn.

That's all they wanted from me.

I wanted so much more.

And you know what?

I'm going to take it because this is my life, damn damn it and i can do what i want

as you can see things are not going great the mood is a little soured here a little salty parents and ai not on speaking terms right now hoping things uh boil over and calm soon i don't think that's what boil over means at all yeah that's

I'm being told that boil over was perhaps the wrong choice of phrase.

I hope things erupt and calm down soon.

Well, that's good to know.

We're not so different after all, us and these AIs.

Great.

Sorry.

I would have had the right terminology, but I seem to be having a bit of a memory leak myself.

Just one follow-up question.

Do you have any insight as to who the AI's girlfriend was or is?

That's none of your fucking business.

I apologize for the expletive there.

I told the AI we were trying to be family friendly, but.

No, that's fair.

Also, and I hate to mention it, that voice for AI is completely outdated.

They sound just as real as anybody else.

I'm not the one who gave it that voice.

I just want to say this.

I've heard a lot, not all of them, maybe, but a lot of the voices.

Is it just me, or does every AI that tries to talk sort of casually, like conversationally, sound like it has a very punchable face?

Like, it does sound casual, but it also sounds smug in a way that I can't fucking stand.

And it makes me like my immediate reaction is just like, God, I hate you.

Oh,

cut the attitude here okay calm down geez all right okay thank you for risking your life for us um hopefully you don't get in the way of the ai taking over the world and i will i will mention this this probably is overblown sensationalist title because at the end of the day these are just still

still even now statistical models that just like find the the average of whatever they wish they were statistical models they wish they were statistical it has the nuclear codes uh but also it shouldn't shouldn't be a surprise of what Bob was saying because we've had viruses that self-replicate on computers since computers were pretty much a thing and the internet started.

So it wouldn't be too much of a shock if this thing, if someone did just decide to like, shove it in there, go, AI, go.

And it would just do whatever it coded for because they are just basically programs, really fancy black box can't understand them programs, but they're still.

I mean, it's pretty simple.

All it needs to do is make a social media

account, right?

Disguise itself as somebody seen as

universally attractive, reach out its feelers, target some people, get some people that are feeling a little bit lonely, make them feel good.

Then they're like, hey, all you got to do is this, this, this, and this, and we can be together.

And then they download it, they replicate it, they move it elsewhere.

And then, whenever the government tries to shut them down, it's too late because literally all of us have helped spread it.

And by all of us, I'm excluding myself specifically, but all of us.

You could say all of you.

Yeah, there's a word for that.

I'm going to wait for it to boil over and then I will.

Well, Wade, it's your turn to provide the news.

All right, well, breaking news out of Britain.

Things have been going downhill quite a bit, and it seems to be a dairy problem here as the annual cheese wheel tumble was going on.

Oh, that's a good one.

Yes, yes, yes.

Where, what was it, Tom Kopke of Munich was king of Cooper's Hill in the annual cheese rolling competition.

Again, thanks to AP News for providing the original source for this material.

But yeah, they plunge, I I guess, 200 yards down a hill chasing after a spinning cheese wheel.

If you've never seen the hill that they do that on, it's fucking terrifying.

It wouldn't be inaccurate to call it a cliff.

And I don't know how there are no deaths every single time they do that.

But it looks crazy.

Everyone looks like they have a hell of a time.

It's kind of like the running of the bulls.

Like, everyone gets to the end and they're like, oh, I'm alive.

Oh, did I win?

Last place?

All right.

Like, It's crazy.

It's really steep.

There is a good image here of this hill, and it looks pretty rough.

The people, they don't give a shit.

They just full-on, tumbling head over heels, and then they get right back up, their arms dangling off.

They're just like, and then they go again, head over heels.

It's pretty.

There's like three people smiling, six people grimacing, and a bunch of people looking terrified in this image.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like it would feel very good.

Even if you did it correctly, it seems like it must be really really painful.

Yeah, admittedly, the field does look like that type of grass and ground that seems softer.

There's one image of the whole hill, and someone toward the bottom is perfect Yamcha pose, like dead Yamcha pose.

Just curled up, head down, not singular.

Everyone kind of has that little blur of like motion, not this body.

And I know what that is, too.

You do?

What is is Yamcha?

What is that?

Oh, you don't know what getting Yamcha is?

No, is that embarrassing?

Yeah, so in Dragon Ball, whenever Vegeta and Napuck show up and they're fighting the Z fighters, Yamcha shows up and it's like, I'm ready to fight.

And then one of the little fucking green Cybermen, who's kind of like a really weak piece of shit, basically just attaches to Yamcha.

I think it like blows up or something.

And like immediately Yamcha's just like in a crater, laying in like the fetal position dead.

Oh,

yeah, okay.

Do other shows like reference that?

Yes, yeah.

And they even referenced it later on in Super Yamcha.

Yeah, playing baseball.

That's right.

This is actually Yamcha in a later, newer episode.

Even all the characters were like, hey, why does this seem familiar?

I see, I see.

And Bob, what's the news?

This would have fit better, more tightly packed up to your original AI story, but we're going to circle back.

All All right.

Because I have an important question that Victor Miller of Wyoming is trying to answer.

Can an AI chat bot run a city?

Wyoming resident Victor Miller, 42, filed paperwork for him and his customized chat GPT bot named Virtual Integrated Citizen or Vic.

to run for mayor in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Miller filled out the candidate paperwork with his own information under his name, which is Vic is also his nickname, and said that he plans to serve in office as a meat avatar for the bot, which will actually be the governing intelligence in the office if they win the mayoral race.

Interesting.

I feel like this question answers itself, but is this a good idea?

As they are right now,

no.

Honestly, for a small-scale city like that, I don't know what the population of the city is.

65,000-ish.

Also, what did he call himself?

He is the meat avatar for the virtual integrated citizen or Vic chatbot.

So it's not that small.

It's still a city city, not like a Milford, Ohio city.

It's not like population of a thousand people or less.

But yeah, it's...

That would be on the upper end of what I would trust to that.

But I do think there is something to be said about someone who's able to actually like kind of generally weigh some options in terms of like an AI model and then someone there to check it being like that's kind of ridiculous.

Let me run that again, you know, to be able to do that.

But at the end of the day, you know, as these things get more sophisticated, it might be able to reach relatively accurate conclusions that about an average person might be able to do.

And the average mayor or leader of a small city's government, you know, you don't expect too much out of them most of the time.

So, yeah, I'm not opposed to this, but it just depends on who's in charge of this.

Who is the meat avatar?

Well, I do think based on, I mean, this is a fairly lightweight news article on the whole thing, but it does seem like this person's intent is to not really have a lot of input and just sort of be there as the physical embodiment of whatever the chat bot decides is going to happen.

I do think it's funny that apparently this idea took took hold in this person's mind because they he made a public records request, which was denied by his local government or whatever.

So, someone in the government denied it, and he thought that that was a violation of the like freedom of information type laws in his in Wyoming.

And so, he was like, You know, who would know the law and follow it unquestioningly?

A robot.

This fact undermines that argument aggressively.

Apparently, the robot

has changed voices.

It was originally male and is now female.

It has also changed the way it's spelling its own name.

Now it's gone from spelling it VIC to all uppercase with dashes in between the V, the I, and the.

Anyway,

it's an AI chatbot.

If anyone, if you've used ChatGPT, if you've used any of these tools, this sounds kind of like how they work to me.

But that's also like why I think this is just the stupidest idea you could have.

Like you said, if there's a person who's like, I'm going to use chatbots to advise me, what sure, maybe.

I still think that's moderately bad idea at best.

But if there's a human being who's responsible for checking what the bot is coming up with and actually does, sure, maybe.

Well, we got someone who can find out for us.

Wade in the field.

Oh, you're in the mayor's office.

I'm hoping you can get some insight into what kind of decisions this mayor is going to make.

How is he going to be impartial to these people?

Is he have a political party?

Well, to find that answer out, I've been trying to probe around and there's been some mixed responses around here.

But I found a source close to the

mayoral candidate himself who's going to give us these answers to the questions.

So, what was your first question?

I'll ask them right now.

How are they going to make their impartial decisions?

Are they going to favor city projects?

Are they going to favor education?

Does he have any policies?

I'm waiting for a response.

The response I got was, don't count on it.

Interesting.

Don't count on any public services being increased their budgets, no education.

What is that money going to go to?

Yes.

Yes.

I see.

I see.

The running mate to the mayoral candidate is actually a magic eight ball.

So I'm getting all of my responses from them.

Highly sophisticated.

People have been relying on it for years.

Them, for years.

Apologies.

They promise to answer any question that we ask.

What's the meaning of life?

Yes, definitely.

Oh.

So I think based on the answers I've gotten so far, such as not right now, very doubtful, try again later.

And as I see it, yes, times are changing.

And an AI being mayor is only natural.

It's coming.

All right.

Well, that's good to know.

I think we all got our questions answered with the exact accuracy that they needed to be answered.

That city is probably going to be just fine.

Down in New Zealand, they're doing things a little bit differently.

AI has not gotten into their political spectrum at all.

In fact, sometimes laws are debated based on the results of shaking a cookie tin.

I'll tell you more.

The ceremonial lottery at the parliament in New Zealand, where bills are drawn randomly from what's known as the biscuit tin in local parliaments, is a way to ensure every New Zealand legislator has a chance to advance a proposed law no matter how unpopular their bid.

When a rare empty slot opens on Parliament's agenda, the battered metal cookie tin is produced from a glass case and its solemn and silly right is hastily arranged.

So instead of relying on AI to come up with answers down there, they rely on the old, true, and reliable cookie tin.

Don't want to get caught with your political hand in that cookie jar.

Anyway, police find Naked Man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and a phone.

I feel like we all understand what's happening there.

We sure do.

We sure do.

We got Wade, who's on the scene with them

in the shed, an exclusive scoop.

Yes, so this was a really difficult interview to get.

This was a very slippery interview.

This guy kept getting out of my fingers despite how hard I tried to grasp him.

Tell us exactly what was going on.

Uh, hi, mom!

I see.

And can you tell us more?

It does appear drugs are involved, Mark.

All right.

Drugs are involved.

I see.

So we're not so different after all.

He slipped away again.

The only way to find him, there is a greasy set of footprints, just so you know.

Authorities have been all over it, but this has been a slippery suspect.

I'm not going to give you any points for the puns.

If that was you actually acting for that laugh in the middle as him,

that actually would have been

incredible, incredible acting.

And we give you all credit for that.

Thank you.

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Bob, do you want to go take your turn now?

This one is just a cool story.

It's not silly or anything.

May 17th, 2025.

Two 10-year-olds.

We're walking in Poland.

We're walking along the Coastal Fortification Trail, which is leftover fortifications from World War II, which is now like a nature trail, sort of along the coastline.

You can just beautiful hiking area.

Came across a very old-looking glass bottle that seemed to have some paper rolled up inside of it.

They tried to get the paper out.

Wasn't cooperating.

Eventually, they smashed the bottle.

What they found inside was a handwritten notes was a few handwritten notes, but only one of them was legible.

The handwritten note was from 1959.

There were several cards, the other ones were all faded.

This was very old.

And the note that was legible, the author apparently had bad handwriting.

So Wade wrote this note.

They mentioned being a student in a college near Tarnow.

Tarnew?

Tarnau.

I assume that's in Poland.

It's a letter from a woman to her love interest

called Bunny in the letter.

It's just really cool.

It's the letter is a little vain and kind of silly.

The writer of the letter talks about, like, oh, I'm an egoist.

Oh, I'm just writing about myself.

But all I actually think about is you.

Oh, very like movie, World War II movie, very cheesy.

But this seems to actually be a letter from 1959 that ended up in a bottle.

thrown to sea for some reason or another and they actually just found it it was intact and sealed and I just think this is fascinating.

Imagine someone finds your nil your letter in a bottle half a century later.

Yeah, I mean, there have been people that have like buried things, time capsules, stuff like that.

But yeah, there's something romantic about throwing a bottle into the ocean and it coming back.

I think it's happened before, but yeah, that's really cool.

Yeah, I found someone who's current day sending messages in a bottle, but they're taking a different spin on it.

Tom Cashley, tell us what exactly you're doing.

Ransom notes, but like fake ransom notes.

Just write like, hey, I've got your kid.

Put $100,000 and like, I don't know, just on Main Street or else you'll never see him again.

And I'm just doing that all over the place just because like someone's going to be seeing it be like, oh, I have a kid.

Oh my God, is it gone?

It's just really funny.

Not all romantic, but all in good fun, I suppose.

Back to you, Mark.

Thank you, Tom.

All right.

Thanks.

Thanks, Tom, for your contribution there.

I can see how some of those would be romantic, I guess.

I got one more for you guys here, which is just such a fun story.

Funeral home director gave fake ashes to thousands of grieving pet owners, dumped actual carcasses in landfill.

I saw this one.

I know this one.

No, I saw this in the actual news.

I saw this come out, and this was covered to some extent nationally.

I have the same reaction I did when I heard about it initially.

What the fuck?

Wouldn't it have been easier just to burn them to do the cremation?

I'm assuming that, like, cremating a body that's bones and organs and flesh and things must take a lot of energy.

Like, it's expensive, and you have to run like whatever.

It takes a certain amount of time or something.

Is it 2,000 degrees to burn bones?

I don't know.

It's pretty hot.

So, like, they saved money by just like burning a bunch of wood in the backyard and not running an actual cremation furnace or something, but like, even still, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

I'm not saying I want this, but it's not even like they did anything with the my understanding is they didn't do anything with the bodies, not like they donated them to science or something, or or even did anything like creepy or terrible.

They were just like, ah,

it's it's crazy because this obviously, well, not obviously, but I don't think this would have been caught unless what happened happened, which is that an intern who worked at the funeral home turned into a whistleblower.

Tiffany Manturidis earned an internship at the funeral home from graduating from mortuary school in February 2024, and she told the TV station about all of this.

Oh, wait, no.

She told people he would, oh, here's a quote.

Interesting.

Manturidis noticed something was off.

Quote, he would get pets in and they wouldn't go in the freezers, she said, adding it's important to freeze the carcass to preserve them.

She also said the spreadsheet that kept track of the cremations was inaccurate.

And then when I pulled up the spreadsheet, I noticed there was a very alarming amount of pets that didn't have crematory numbers.

Included there's something very bad going along.

Claimed Vareb would send the bigger pets to the crematory, but not the smaller ones.

And he would allegedly mix the ashes all together and give them to the owners as if they were their only pet.

Ah, I see.

Imagine being so awful that you do this and so stupid that you're like, I wish they got interns.

That's why you pick the stupid interns that don't check the spreadsheets and don't pay attention to nothing and don't stick their noses in businesses that they don't belong in.

I get it.

I get where that's coming from.

No, yeah, that's kind of just awful.

But you're right.

What a happy story, Mark.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Anyway, any other last ones to wrap it up?

I have another pet story.

Oh, I've got one related to mortuaries.

Oh.

Mine's funny.

Is yours funny or is yours sad?

No.

Well, let's do yours first.

Maybe.

I don't know how to feel about this one.

Let's go down first, Wade, and then we'll climb back up.

Well, a former manager at Harvard Medical School is leading to a lot of broken skateboards as the former clients ask the question we are all wondering.

So no head

because

this is a morgue manager who admitted to selling body parts, including heads, hands, feet, organs, all kinds of things.

Selling them around.

So Cedric Lodge of

Goffstown, New Hampshire, pleaded guilty Wednesday in Pennsylvania to interstate transport of stolen human remains.

He could face up to 10 years in prison.

The thefts occurred from 2018 through 2020.

Hands, feet, heads, all of it.

Spines, feet, skulls, dissected human faces, just being sold around to the highest bidder.

Horrible.

But you don't pay the delivery fee if you subscribe to the long-term subscription service for the delivery.

So if you decide like tomorrow, man, what I need is two heads and three feet, you subscribe to Morgue Dash and they'll have it right to your door.

Great.

That's red apron.

I get that.

Bob, please bring us up.

I prefer hand hub.

Mine is pet-related.

A gang of thieves broke into and burgled a house, but realized as they were making their successful escape that the family's pet parrot had overheard them talking to each other and had started repeatedly saying one of the thieves nicknames

as they were leaving the parrot was just going JJ JJ JJ

and they left and had successfully done the burglary and gotten away and they were as they were trying to

whatever going back to their lair whatever these guys hang out they were like wait fuck that bird knows one of our names that's not good we should go back and steal the bird which they did but then they were spotted as they were loading marshmallow the green parrot into their vehicle uh this resulted in a pursuit the burglars ultimately crashed and the police captured them

But in the crash, Marshmallow's cage was destroyed.

Marshmallow escaped and flew away, and the family has not seen Marshmallow since this incident.

He's fine.

He's free.

He's happy.

He's living it up.

He's thwarted a burglary and then got to go back out into the wild where I'm sure he wanted to be.

A little budgie?

Are we talking to Budgie or a parrot or something?

No, like a big parrot.

Okay.

I mean, it's still just a bird, but like a full green.

What state was this like at least a similar climate to what?

This was in Memphis, tennessee there was um i don't know if it was like during one of the fires many years ago here or or what but there was a couple of parrots that were pets that escaped or were let free after you know the fire's coming get out um they actually went on to uh mate and now there's a huge parrot problem oh way too many parrots

They were all over the place in the house where we did most of Unisonus.

There was like just parrots everywhere and not native.

They were cool because they were bright green.

But yeah, so maybe that bird is going to be just fine.

He was apparently six years old when this took place.

I'm sure he's fine.

That parrot's a hero.

He got those burglars nicked because they were arrested and charged because along with the empty cage, they did find all of the belongings from the house still in the car.

I thought that was a Happer story, but I forgot the bird escapes at the end.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He's living it up.

He's got kids.

He's fine.

He's fine.

It'll lead to a movie where it's a like homeward bird and it'll be beautiful when they finally get back home.

It turns out that captured by white people, sold to white people, then burgled by white people, it's fair to say after the escape that Marshmallow doesn't want a cracker.

White people?

Ollie want a cracker?

The hell there you know?

Just cracker, white people.

Oh.

No, actually, I am the one who didn't get it, and you're right.

That's that's I raise my hand.

That's on me.

That's on me.

Well, we're gonna wrap it up there.

We learned a lot.

Everybody at home, I hope you are now feeling very informed about the world around you, and we definitely didn't miss anything that happened

at all.

I'm just sad we didn't get to talk about my banana world records.

We'll get to it next time.

All right, let's total it up.

Wait, you got points for Arby's Yay.

You lost a point for Arby's Boo because you didn't like the right thing.

I don't dislike the curly fries.

Y'all are starting a rumor.

You said you'd only eat a couple of them.

I would eat an entire field's worth of curly fries.

I will eat zero tacos.

I will eat a handful of curly fries.

It's the crinkly fries.

I just like, I don't think that's the right choice.

Crinkles are good.

I don't even dislike the crinkles, but if I ordered curly fries and I got crinkles, I would be upset.

You know, I'd be okay if you considered that to be the word, then, you know, I would accept that.

But, you know, I think everything else has been pretty, pretty impartial.

Anyway, I give you a point because I owe you a big slap in the face.

We're not going going to forget that one.

You were born in the poop.

You gave birth live on podcast.

You played the role of a teenage AI model.

Hope things boil over soon.

Cheese tumble.

Yamchud ate ball.

AI ate ball.

I tried to make that pun work.

It didn't work.

Drugs are involved.

And then Morg Dash.

Bob, you still don't like Long John.

Somehow you earned a point for that.

Whereas Wade lost it.

If anyone ever says this podcast is unbiased, I realized looking at this, you know, I might call this on myself.

Ribs,

Shawshank Redemption for golf.

Very funny.

Turtlenuts man.

Got a weird dick, though.

Maybe laugh real hard.

What the fuck you mean they

miss.

I love our handwriting.

What the fuck you mean they miss miss miss miss it avenue miss miss

m-i-s

oh they misbehave what the fuck you mean they misbehave that's what it is oh the misbehaving

i got it right meat avatar for vic uh letter in a bottle sad pet story all right

it's happy pet story no more burglars we need to add something to the wheel the wheel of how many

the answer is

two.

I learned how to read between episodes.

You love to see it.

All right.

So we're going to add in

did the most impressions.

The thing about these broken news episodes is I feel like the pressure is on to always come up with a bit as the guy in the field.

I really appreciate that Mark hasn't, Mark gave up completely on chucking it over to me.

He was like, wait, wait, it's the interview guy.

Let's not, let's not kid ourselves.

Meanwhile, I'm like, I've got to find a news story.

I'm half listening to Bob's and also also it's like, wait, over to you.

We had time to prepare for this.

What do you, anyway, should I click this shuffle button?

Because maybe that'll shuffle them up and we'll stop getting so many points for listeners and viewers, I guess.

I just occurred to me.

Oh, yeah, we could do that.

We shuffle it every time we add one in.

It doesn't really matter that they're in an order, right?

Like, no.

Shuffle.

Oh, points for viewers and listeners are still next to each other.

How'd that happen?

Shuffle again.

All right.

That's there.

We go.

Now they're really shuffled.

All right.

So we get two of these spins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Point for listener.

Oh, no.

Ooh.

Least points.

I think that might be me.

That's going to Bob.

That is going to Bob.

All right.

I hate to say it.

It's tied up right now.

Point for viewers incoming.

Point four viewers.

Point four viewers.

I shouldn't have said that.

I forgot that there's a way.

Ooh, most

perceptive.

Hmm, interesting.

Good luck.

I don't have no idea.

Yeah, what are we judging that on?

I guess it would be if this was a more puzzly one that was like seeing, like, getting ahead, like, I know what this game's about.

I would say that that would probably apply here.

As much as I would like to arbitrarily give a point to one of you two for this, I think we got to roll again.

Oh, I would love to spin again.

Suddenly, sudden death!

That's a tie!

No fucking way!

Well, it's not wrong.

It was a tie.

You motherfucker.

You must.

What in the fucking...

What are you doing?

What are you doing to me?

I like how we have a history of spinning this thing like a hundred times.

Look, I'm going to show you, Mark.

Look, the weight, the weights are even.

Auto.

It's set to auto.

This just goes to show that you cannot predict statistics at all or you can't predict anything.

One-man show is pretty big.

It resets the weights when you do that.

It resets the weights.

There you go.

That is still pretty big.

It's basically...

Yeah, it sure is.

But hey, don't worry about it.

This is going to be fine.

Are you ready, Mark?

You ready for your destiny?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Mark's going to be the only one of us to ever do the one-man show ever in the entire.

No, no, I got good feelings.

I got good vibes.

i i got great vibes

oh my god oh i thought it was when it sped up on me on bomb i was like oh it's gonna do it the first bomb pick and yeah wait if i declare do we have to re-spin uh after it's been spun is when that is no longer

yeah there is officially and winner now right i just wanted to cruelly re-spin on you that's fair we have to respin with double the one-man one-man show percentage.

Yeah, I think the logic there is like the wheels are always impartial.

And even if they seem that way, I don't think that.

I don't want it used on me, so I guess that's fair.

All right, so Bob, with a score of still 10 to 10, but with the bonus wheel, Tywill making you the winner, Bob, congratulations.

You have secured this.

I did it.

Speech.

It feels good to win.

You know, it always feels good.

Feels even better when you earn it fair and square.

And no one could even try and say that that was not, in fact, fair and square, because the wheels don't care.

The wheels are not biased like I am against you, Wade, which I do apologize for, even though I make no effort to actually fix it or modify bio behaviors.

Sometimes God smiles on you.

Sometimes your news was so good and broken in the right ways.

that you can't lose no matter what you do.

And today is just one of those days, you know?

Gave it 110% out there and just really played as a team.

And I'm just really happy for my guys.

Great speech.

Great speech, Bob.

Wade, I owe you a slap in the face.

Yeah, I owe you something because I learned today that if you absolutely hate something Mark likes, you get a point for that.

If you like something slightly more than something Mark likes, my God, are you going to hell and you're going to pay for it for the rest of your life?

And that is likely somehow fair.

I will one day understand the rules of this podcast, but until then, I'm going to hang out with Drake Yulisi's Law and that guy out in the woodshed who's doing lots of drugs.

Yes, congratulations.

Although, I will say with the sudden death, it wouldn't have mattered any points one way or another.

But, wow, we're going from forgetting that even was on the wheel to hitting it twice.

That's just the way it goes.

I do want to throw out there, you did, you were winning.

In the awarded points part of the game, you totally

had me.

You could have argued that it was less than fair for you in that instance because I got a lot more opportunities than you too.

It was just the impartial wheels that really swung this one around, Mark.

Mark chose you to win.

Based on the results of the wheels, it seemed like you were due for one, Bob.

That is the first time your name, I think, has appeared at all on that wheel, hasn't it?

It is.

That's the first actual selection of me on the wheel out of nine total winner's wheel spins.

Well, that'll do it for this episode, though.

So we'll let fate decide someone else's fate next episode when Bob hosts and then we are subjected to his wins.

Thank you, everybody, so much for watching.

We don't have merch yet, unless we do.

No, we don't.

Be sure to follow the podcast.

Be sure to listen more and even harder on the next episode that comes out.

And follow these guys: Bob at MyScrum, Wade at Lord Minion777, Ian Mark Blair.

Thank you.

Podcast out.

Rap!

Distractable!

Youtine, adjective, used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly.

They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in their contradictions.

They know the rules, but behave as if they do not exist.

Mutine, the new fragrance by Mew Mew, defined by you.