Three Word Sales Pitch

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Rated M for mature.

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Biscuity Bob gets his print on, ghosts will squidwort, and asks the studs to wet his appetite.

Wallachian Wade goes to the movies, loses a weekend, has a car update, experiences bloodlust, and does Jack Ulysses.

Minecraft Mark fails an unboxing, trolls to Buskis, and advertises ghostly gastronomy.

From imaginary assaults to thick deforestation.

Yes!

It's time for

three-word sales pitch.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome back to every parakeet's favorite podcast that their owner puts on when they leave the house.

Distractible!

That's right.

You're listening to Distractible.

I'm your host.

My name is Bob.

I get the host because I won the last one.

We have rules here.

Well, that's kind of the one rule.

If you win the episode, you host the next episode.

And so on and so on in perpetuity until one of us dies or the universe comes to a complete heat death.

We'll see which one comes first.

It's a real close race on that one.

Yeah, it's a tight one.

It's hard to tell which is really going to happen.

The models go both ways depending on, you know, slight tweaks to the parameters.

Anyway, my competitors for today are Mark and Wade.

Just like always, say hi.

I'll prompt you this time.

Say hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Good job.

I was really thinking one of you was just going to start talking, but I instructed you to say hi and you only said hi and I appreciate that.

You know what?

You each get a good following instructions point.

That's a strong start for both of you.

I'm the host, which means I have a game we're going to play.

And it may or may not be any good at all.

We will determine that at a later date, but we always start these out with with small talk.

And it's been a minute since we've all seen each other.

You can probably tell because our shirts changed, which means we went somewhere, changed our shirts, and now we're here again.

So something happened, right?

Right?

Please, please tell me something happened.

I was trying to think of what happened.

I know there was something I was going to say during Small Talk.

I've promptly forgotten about it.

No idea how many dozens of times I've done that.

It was something I was like, oh, wow, this thing, yada, yada, blah, blah, Small Talk.

Can you you imagine if I actually remembered it right now?

You'd be flowergasted at how incredible my life would seem.

I'd be giving you points.

Imagine you giving me points.

It's like the end of Gamer.

You ever seen Gamer?

Yeah.

Imagine me driving this knife into your gut.

Imagine you writing down points for me.

Imagine it.

Oh my God.

It's working.

I'm envision engineering is what I call it.

Something happened.

Anyway, good small talk, Mark.

Gamer's the one with gerard butler and uh dexter right and michael seahal i don't know why i i remember their names i'm really bad at names i never remember michael seahal for for a movie that i barely watched like i watched passively i really remember that movie a lot i don't know why

there's something about it that really i've seen it once i watched it on an airplane and it was one of those where i was like ugh what's on here and i just watched it literally because i was bored on an airplane and i almost also remember huge chunks of that movie for no apparent reason.

I remember them going face-to-face, cable, castle, and then Michael Seahall starts singing the Under Your Skin song.

The dance at the end.

Yeah.

I don't think that's how they dance, but you know.

No, no, that was it.

That was it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael Seahall trained for months to do that exact move.

He showed up on set, and all the directors and all the producers were like, oh,

what a film.

What a cinema.

Wild times.

That's back whenever no one thought video games could be good movies.

Now we know

either that or differently.

Chicken jockey.

Man, have I still not seen anything about that movie except those two words?

And I only understand that for some reason people destroy movie theaters.

Did we talk about this?

I don't know that we actually did, but people go into the Minecraft movie and when something about when the chicken jockey scene happens, they just fucking throw their popcorn and erupt into an explosion of bullshit and just trash the entire theater just because fuck those minimum wage workers who have to clean that up later.

I don't understand.

I don't know what goes on.

I haven't seen it.

So obviously I'm in the out group here.

But great small talk, Mark.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Wade, good luck.

What happened to you in the last stretch of time?

Well, we talked after I did the Hot Ones challenge, right?

I played basketball.

That was last Monday, I think, like a week ago.

Last Thursday.

So it was the 20th anniversary of Revenge of the Sith.

I think I told you guys I was taking my niece that's local and my nephews, and we went to see Revenge of the Sith.

So there were like seven of my family members in a theater watching a movie, and it stayed quiet

and peaceful.

And people like shared popcorn and stuff.

And it was like family that you think in theory.

of whenever you imagine people going to a theater.

It sounds nice.

And I've never had that experience before, so I didn't know what to do i was like i don't need to scold or shoot anyone do i get to watch movie i get to watch movie and then the movie was over i was like i've been contemplating watching the movie the whole time that i missed it not actually but it would know it was good it was a good experience it was fun to see i don't know there's some great movies right like i don't know that star wars is ever going to be like the number one movie of all time But I don't know that there's a moment that gives me chills or like gives me that like hyped up feeling more than being in a theater and hearing the opening crawl just like start to appear and like the

like that feeling that first happens is pretty awesome.

A long time ago, Dead Silence right to the trumpets and stuff going off is a pretty awesome theater feeling.

So all movies should start that way for you, just like a synopsis of what you're about to see.

Special Wade opening.

I don't think it would work for any other movie.

Like it's such a weird thing that's unique to Star Wars.

Like you go to see the notebook and it's like,

it would work for Pulp Fiction because the Pulp Fiction starts with the radio.

They're scanning the radio.

And you just, one of them is just the Star Wars theme.

And it just starts, and you do the whole thing.

And then it's like,

and then it goes right into the...

You don't even have to change the movie.

You just cut that in at the beginning.

God, I've not seen that movie in so long.

I thought the opening scene was in the restaurant.

That is not the opening scene, I don't think.

Is it?

No.

Yes, no.

It's in the car, right?

They're on the way to the guy who has the burger.

I believe you.

It's just also been like 20 years for me.

Well, now you're making me question my reality.

I'm going to give you a point for that.

I think the quiet place should open that way.

They show the orchestra and it's just subtitles.

It's like subdued trumpets.

No, no, it's full on.

Just like you get a nice, quiet, you know, landscape scene set

in it.

And then all the monsters come running.

So it's like it shows you if there's if if there's noise.

That would kind of work, though.

It does the whole crawl into space, and then it slowly like pans down to the planet and zooms in.

And right as it's zooming in, and the strings are all do, do do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, and it like fades out, then it's just quiet for the whole rest of everything.

This works with every movie.

This is a great idea.

Thank you.

It was Wade's, but I'll take credit.

Mark agrees.

It's such a good idea.

It's his now.

All right.

I mean, who am I to argue with the host?

Is Mark the host now, too?

Well, no, you just said that it was his idea now.

I said that he said that it's his idea.

Well, I agree with you.

I'm glad we can agree on something.

I didn't do anything else.

I think Friday, Saturday, and Sunday don't exist anymore for me.

I don't know what happened those three days.

What does that mean?

I can't remember.

Like you're so busy or like you don't

get out of bed?

I just can't remember those three days.

You must exist.

I mean, you don't have to exist.

I just sort of assume that you do.

I think I do.

I just, I don't recall those days.

I feel like you should see a doctor about that if you just got sudden days.

You know what?

I did have one thing I remember now.

Yesterday, not, not last night, night before.

I had this weird nightmare.

I've never had one quite like it.

It was the actual nightmare itself was relatively boring, right?

I was like in a house and there was a teenage mutant ninja turtle?

No, no, just like a boy.

You're right.

It is boring.

Go on.

And he's like, you have to help me.

My parents, something's happened.

And I go to help him.

Somehow I'm in their like house.

I'm upstairs in their house.

And he's like coming to me, like, I need to help them.

And they're like zombies or some kind of whatever.

And I go to help, but it turns out he was also one, but he was just like playing like he was still fine.

And he killed me.

And I kind of like woke up like, you know, like you do when you die in a nightmare.

Try to go back to sleep.

the same dream but i tried to help in a different way woke up after dying and like four or five times I had the same dream where I was aware that I was having the same dream.

And I was like, well, I got to approach it a different way.

Four of me are already dead.

Like, there's only so many more of me left.

And it got me thinking about, like, I don't know, what if there's like a central you and a whole bunch of you're in other universes?

And when something happens to them, something happens to like the main one where he loses part of himself or something.

And I was just like having trouble sleeping because I was like thinking about this, but also the nightmare.

And there was this really loud, annoying noise outside.

I got like no sleep that night.

What was the, what was the noise?

What was the outside noise?

Wait.

Never figured it out.

How long did the noise go on?

You didn't like look out the window or something?

Well, it sounded like it was like construction like down the road or something.

That's what it sounded like.

Just throw out there like, and all night there was this horrible screeching outside of our window.

Anyway, no, it was like a weird drilly noise.

Far enough away where I knew it wasn't my problem, but it was close enough where it was annoying.

I don't know.

I've never had a dream where I've approached it from different ways.

It's like either you have the same nightmare or you have, I don't know.

This was like thematic, like,

back here again, like Groundhog Day nightmare.

I've never had it like that.

Sounds kind of like you're having nightmares about all the different ways your house is trying to kill you and destroy your life, and all the different ways you've tried to fix it and not succeeded somehow.

Oh,

analyzed.

Well, interesting small talk.

Almost as interesting as Mark's small talk that he definitely said out loud and I didn't just make up in my head.

Look, I did stuff.

Oh, wow.

There's a purple light.

Oh.

It's actively currently three-dimensionally printing.

Look at that.

Is that a Prusa?

It's the

cheapest one that they sold on ModelPrice.com three years ago.

It's an MP Select V3.

The print area is almost four inches cubed.

Means I can almost print something that's of a usable size.

No, I am.

I'm sort of just getting back into the hobby now, and I'm going to buy something new long term, but I'm like, I might as well practice.

I've got this little guy, and he seems to be, it was a bitch and a half to get him working.

He sat for two years because he sat after we moved, and I just said, and it does not automatically level its own bed.

Yeah, do that shit by turning set screws, and God was that miserable.

But it's very level now, and it's printing, it's printing pretty well.

Also, I was originally I was using filament that I bought three years ago when I bought the thing.

Turns out that's not good for filament.

It was not in an airtight anything.

It was just a roll of filament that's been kicking around my house and moved across the country.

I think it had a little humidity

and possibly bugs in it.

And the printer didn't care for that.

But anyway, you know,

3D printing stuff.

It's fun.

I'm like you, Mark.

I make things, you know?

I actually, it's funny because all the 3D printers that Brusa sent are here in setup.

And it was only after all of them were out of the box and set up that I remembered, oh yeah, I was supposed to film some of that.

And then I looked at all of them finished and I'm like, fuck it.

Shut up.

Ah, shit.

Start taking them apart.

No, I'm going to put one fully assembled in a box.

Just like,

I'm going to do it in like fusion or something.

I'll just have like constant, oh, just like printer after printer coming up out of it like wow look at this just take take one box and like hold it up like a box of cereal and like

and dump all of them out all at once probably a big box of Lixian do that just

just film yourself just doing that with nothing else be like hey Alexian make uh

can you make the printers fall out and then like bounce around and land in their spots where they are it's so easy just can you just okay for once just edit Mark putting one together.

This is what editors are all about.

Bob, I'm going to dump a box of 3D printers on your head.

So here we go.

Oh, they're smacking you in the face.

Please don't put a big penis in front of me, please.

Oh, God.

All right.

As long as it's so big, you can't tell exactly if it is or isn't a penis, we probably won't even get in trouble.

Mark, you get a jerk in it point.

I miss our old Minecraft streams.

Did we do that a lot in Minecraft?

I guess we did make Smokey the Bear with a huge penis coming out of his black leather thong.

You know how many times we try to do penis cannons?

Oh, yes.

That was a thing we did a lot, wasn't it?

And it only worked the last time when we cheated because literally we had zombie or whoever on the server just like make one that worked.

And we showed up to it and it worked.

That poor man, we're just like, zombie, we need a working penis cannon.

I cannot imagine why he ever agreed to let us come back or continue to participate in all of that bullshit.

But he was a trooper and we would have had nothing without him.

I mean, we would have figured it out, but you know.

No.

We're intelligent.

We were drunk.

Good at stuff when you're drunk.

That's true.

Wait, you're the host.

Yeah.

Ah, there it is.

By the way, I didn't kill someone, and this isn't like a fresh tattoo or something.

This is just a scratch that happens to be in the shape of a teardrop right by my eye.

I didn't kill anybody.

Keep saying that.

It sounds more true every time you say it vehemently.

Is that what that means?

I thought it was a thing mimes did.

Yes, they're both true.

One meaning of, I think, the teardrop tattoo is in some gang cultures or some specific cultures that you get one for each like person you kill or something.

At least that's what TV tells me.

for each movie that made me cry.

Yeah, you should definitely get

started getting those.

That'll be good.

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Anyway, you guys want to play a game?

Do you want to play a game?

Oh, Sig Sigjaw.

Is that Sigsaw?

Is that you?

Sig jaw.

I'm sorry, I had a stroke trying to say jigsaw.

Is that Sigma Jigsaw?

I have a game and I have two

different dice windows pulled up because there's going to be dice, guys.

Plus, this game is basically stolen from our favorite collective show of all time and definitely not the inspiration for this podcast.

Whose line is it anyway?

Let's make a dice.

I remember that one.

No?

No, well, I actually don't remember what it's called.

What's the show?

What's the bit called where it's Colin and Ryan almost always, and they have like a box of random shit, and they're doing, they're like selling it.

They're like, look at this next product.

Do you wish you had more hair on your ass?

And then they have like, it's like props.

I could not remember what that show was called and

could not be fucked to go Google it, apparently.

Is it the one where everyone participates, but they're like the ones doing the announcing for it or something?

No, it's just them.

It's like they're selling the products, right?

So it's just a box of random, ridiculous props, and they just have to be like, and this next thing, and you'll need one of these if you have trouble dropping your chickens when you roast them, or whatever weird stuff.

It's a very specific game.

Anyway, you guys are going to be selling me some shit, but you don't just get to sell me.

Well, and since this is a podcast, which listeners have repeatedly informed me is an audio medium, apparently, it's very offensive when we do visual-based gags.

People seem to be quite bothered by that.

You don't get props.

You're not doing anything visual.

You get words.

You get three words, in fact.

I have eight lists of words.

Each list has a theme, such as food or technology or six other ones.

And each list also has 20 words on it.

So I'm going to roll a D8 and then roll a D20 and do that three times.

And those are the words you get.

Who goes first?

I have my coin and I also put that away for some reason, even though I had it just, you know what, I'm not going to take it it out of the case.

Mark is tails, Wade is heads.

The lady is up.

Wade goes first.

All right, Wade.

So you're gonna sell me.

And all of the words don't have to be in like the title of the thing, but you have to use all three words in your pitch.

And Mark, then you're gonna use the same three words, and you have to sell me a better product or service.

It could be a service.

We live in a modern world.

And the words for this round are

what we got.

We got 3, 14,

which is

scoreboard.

And then we have 4 and 8, which is

pancake.

And then we have 4 and 17, which is

biscuit.

So your words are scoreboard, pancake, and biscuit.

And I have a certain amount of time to sell this, or how's this work?

I'm going to sort of feel that out.

I'm going to start a stopwatch counting up, and when it gets too high, I'll tell you to stop.

Okay, are you ready for me?

You need a second.

I'm just writing down to make sure I remember these beautiful words.

The floor is yours.

Shark tank me.

We all know we love breakfast.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

But sometimes waking up and we're a little bit tired and groggy, not so fun.

So I have the new breakfast arena for you.

We're making biscuits, making pancakes, getting some orange juice, fried eggs, it's going to be a blast because you, your wife, husband, whatever, your children, you're competing to make the best item for that breakfast.

New breakfast arena brought to you by me, the creator.

Running around.

Oh, need some dough.

Better make it through the hoop.

Oh, it landed right in the pan.

That's the point for Team Biscuit.

Oh, but what about Team OJ?

They're pouring down the slide.

Better get to it.

Team OJ.

Oh, not quite in time.

biscuit still leading pancake where'd it go it's flipping it's flipping it's flipping perfect landing score breakfast arena coming soon I'd eat that play that play that I guess you're selling the

and I appreciate that you never actually said the word scoreboard but there was scoreboard which I will count that's good because I thought I said it so yeah yeah you said the word score thanks your honor repeatedly referenced a scoreboard I'll count that that works that's good Mark, are you ready?

Pancake biscuit, and it's on a scoreboard.

Pancake biscuit and it's on a scoreboard.

Pancake biscuit on a scoreboard.

Pancake biscuit.

Are we having a two-sentence horror story time today?

Because I really hope we are.

I literally invented this game because I was like, man, Mark does really well when there are specific numbers of language things.

Let's, instead of two sentences, let's do three words.

Mark will crush this.

I did.

It's a reference.

I'm going to be honest.

It was so awful that I immediately was dismissive of it, but it was so memorable that I've forgotten completely anything that Wade said, and all I can think is the song.

I don't feel good, but all right.

Wait, it was a reference.

Was that a Tabuscus reference?

Yeah, it was.

I don't even remember how the original.

Was it chicken and a biscuit?

Yeah, something like that.

Nugget.

Nugget.

No, nugget and a biscuit.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

Dip it all in mashed potatoes.

That's what I was doing.

That was the scoreboard part.

You know, Wade, you know.

I do not.

I never watched Tabuscus.

I did watch him run around a convention one time like a psychopath.

Didn't we?

That's how he did everything.

Like a psychopath.

Well, anyway, it was a reference.

It wasn't just random.

I thought you just pulled that out of your ass, and I was like, well, at least he has a tune for it.

Lord, hey, if I did, you know, hey, I got confidence.

I got confidence.

Man, that makes you less creative than I thought.

I don't even know what he's referencing.

I just believe him.

Anyway, I'm not going to say who wins each round.

I was originally going to just announce a winner each round, but I like the mystery.

And also, I'm going to have to think about that one for a while because it's really making me question this whole premise.

But that's okay.

Mark, you get to go first in the next round.

Can't wait.

I can't either.

Where the words will be:

a one and a three.

That's gravity.

Oh, good.

And then an eight and a nine.

Oh, it's in the spooky words, Mark.

You love these.

Oh, boy.

That's apparition.

Apparition.

Four and a sixteen.

Sixteen.

That's sushi.

Gravity apparition, sushi.

Okay.

Gravity apparition and it's eating sushi.

Gravity apparition and it's eating sushi.

No, it's rolled into a sushi, obviously.

That would make it a cannoli.

You're allowed to use words that aren't on the list.

Also, did I really not put cannoli on this list of food?

Man, I don't reference anything ever.

I'd be a terrible TV writer.

You'll never guess what I'm Googling right now.

You trying to figure out what gravity is?

What is this?

Nope.

He's like, apparition.

Welcome to the first sushi restaurant in space.

You won't have no gravity here.

You'll be eating your sushi flung through the air.

I got the ghost of

Sato Takahashi

here.

A real

dead apparition to cook you your sushi.

Not a lot of cooking going on.

Mostly just cuts it up.

But he's good for a ghost.

And you're going to be good for paying money for this fish.

It gets sent up with a catapult in space, flash frozen in an instant, right into our back door.

It gets sushi from the water to your mouth, all in the first sushi restaurant in space.

Come with you, friends.

You never leave.

Is that Edget Ed Edgar Adopt a lot space sushi bar?

Yeah, sure.

I'm assuming that person is like the inventor of sushi or something.

Is that no?

I just looked up.

I wish I had googled that note.

That's so much more friendly.

I looked up Japanese last name.

That's what I did.

I could have.

Yes, I could have.

I mean, there's probably not like one person who's credited with inventing sushi, I guess.

That's not how that works.

Oh, yep, there is.

Hanaya Yohei.

I got the ghost of Hanaya Yohe.

That would have been even better.

Hanaya Yohei.

I'd go there.

Listen, me, Katie Perry, and all those other people who went up on the penis rocket and go eat some sushi in space, I'm into it.

How much does that cost?

A couple million?

Who doesn't have that laid around?

Also, you know, it is quite fresh.

Fish right out of the ocean.

No, yeah, literally, the idea of catapulting the fish into space, it's just about as flash frozen as you can get, I would imagine, if it actually

can it burn up while it's leaving the atmosphere, it'd be perfectly tempura.

If

you throw it skin side out and the skin acts as a heat shield, but then you get that crispy skin, you know?

What a name for a porno, skin side-out.

Skin side-what is that, a horror porn?

A porror.

A poor horno.

A horno?

Oh, ooh.

Horn, hornor.

Hornor.

Horno.

Hold the door, hornor.

Hornor.

What?

Yo, he doesn't know that literally the last episode I hosted, we made fun of Wayne for not knowing Game of Thrones because he couldn't say Targaryen.

Let's keep everything I host, Mark.

I think we need to work in as many Game of Thrones references as possible.

Man, it's like for some reason, YouTube Shorts, which I deleted TikTok and then I started scrolling YouTube shorts.

And at first, it was fine.

And now I don't know why.

I skip past them.

I don't watch them.

It just gives me movie and TV show experts.

That's like the main short form thing, I swear to God.

That's all that's all I get a lot of the time, especially on YouTube shorts.

I get that at people dancing.

You get that.

You still get the dances?

Somehow, I've convinced the algorithm I don't give a fuck about all the dance trends on all those short forms things, but I get the TV clips.

I get a lot of Bob Odenkirk movies and I get a lot of Game of Thrones.

You and I must have the same feed because it's just that.

It's Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, and Game of Thrones.

That's it.

I see a lot of those too, actually.

And it's always the same three stupid songs in it to try to.

Anyway.

It's a TV show and it's like a dialogue scene.

And then there's just a song that's like 300% as loud as any of the dialogue.

It's good.

I've watched most of the third season of Breaking Bad that way.

Wait, did you want to do this one or you just want to concede this one to Mark?

Oh, no, I'm ready.

All right, I want you to picture me the glasses holding like a stick, like a teacher's stick for a second.

Teacher's stick.

Got it.

Teacher's stick and action.

Are you tired of ghosts in your kitchen?

Trying to eat dinner, but they're on a mission.

If you and your friends want peace like we do...

Hey, what's up?

We gotta try our new ghost trap.

We're ready to assist you.

Do you have apparitions in your kitchen causing you quite a stir?

Well, we have the new apparition trap ready for you.

It uses a gravity-based system that lures them in, and we have learned a very unusual secret that ghosts are attracted to dead fish.

Therefore, we use sushi as a bait.

We We place it on the trap.

The ghosts fly over, grab the sushi, the gravity well sucks them in, and they're put in the trap, bringing you peace, and you don't have to leave the dinner table to catch them, and you can enjoy your meal.

Call us today.

Who were the people on the side?

You don't know that reference?

What?

Does no one here know references?

That was the Ghostbusters pit.

That was the Ghostbusters.

When they're on the TV, they're commercial.

We're ready to believe you.

I don't think I've ever actually seen Ghostbusters.

What?

Not fully.

I mean, I've seen pretty much all of it.

The first one, you gotta see.

It's quite good.

Epic Rap Battles did a good parody of Mythbusters Ghostbusters, where they also do the TV scene.

A lot of references to that.

Anyway, I got the reference, buddy.

I'm glad.

As soon as you started, I was like, ah, teacher stick.

I didn't want to give it away, but I wanted to get the visual going.

Those are surprisingly good.

And I appreciate that you're both funnier people than I am.

It's all downhill from here.

That's how I've felt since we started, but that wasn't uphill.

That was good.

That was good for both of you guys.

I was really really glad that we talked for a while about stuff after Marx because I thought of the idea.

I was like, the Ghostbusters thing.

How does that go?

I got to write a whole thing real quick.

And you guys were like, chat, chat.

I was like, yes, yes, chat, chat, chat.

Game of Thrones.

Great.

Love it.

Oh,

open the door, horror door, or whatever we said.

Okay, that oil barren character that Andrew Driver played on SNL in that one sketch.

Drink from the soil's teeth, boy.

Look at me when I'm speaking to you.

Yeah, that guy.

What was his name?

I remember H.R.

Pickens.

I can't remember his.

H.R.

Pickens is the one who was screwed.

That was his rival.

Who is H.R.

Pickens?

Exactly.

I want to be you when I grow up.

And so you shall.

Bring it up.

Driver voice, actually.

You got his big mouth articulations.

I think when he calls the teacher Marm, and she's like,

Okay.

He comes in for Career Day if you've never seen it.

Oh, I've seen it.

I was talking to the audience.

There's an audience member named Mark, too.

Next words.

I remember my small talk.

Oh,

the small talk interlude.

Quick.

It killed Wade.

Oh, I wasn't prepared.

Nobody's prepared for the small talk interlude.

It's really not that incredible.

I just remembered that,

I remember what it was about because I got excited about something that you guys would probably find very boring.

The title of this episode is Mark Remembers at 38 Minutes.

Here's the thing.

For the longest time,

I've enjoyed this particular microphone on my camera when we were using DSLRs mostly to do it.

You might recognize this stereo microphone that looks like a V.

Yeah, I saw that one somewhere.

I've got one of those.

Yeah, I like it because I think that the stereo microphone, it's how we filmed Date

and

Who Killed Mark Blair and all those old ones.

Like the sound was not terrible because we had that microphone on the camera and that was pretty much picking up everything.

And it was first we're going to do that.

Sennizer

announced a new stereo microphone that is nothing like that one at all, but it's a better stereo microphone.

All right.

I got really excited about it because I like stereo microphones.

And when I've tried to do the thing where you get two microphones in that are the same and you put them side by side for stereo.

But the problem is if you don't get a matched pair, there can be differences and it i don't know it's just like it's it doesn't quite work all the time because the signals can be get out of alignment or i don't have i know there's hardware that could do that but it's like a stereo microphone science you know yeah because i've gotten used to using boom microphones and this is a stereo boom microphone and it's quite expensive but i believe in really good sound and whatever you're doing so i ordered one and it shipped I love what stuff ships.

That's very exciting.

Man, the small tire was not worth interrupting.

I remember my small talk.

Do you?

Yeah, when you said the word shipped.

My car is at port.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

In Germany or at port in the US?

Germany?

Oh, that's not very close.

It was assigned a carrier, and it made me think.

They put cars on aircraft carriers?

I was like, that's stupid.

They must mean a different kind of carrier.

But I've never imagined the boat that cars ship on.

So I was like, is it the Titanic?

Are people having sex in my car?

Or is it an aircraft carrier where fighters are landing?

We did the Titanic joke the last time we talked about your car.

It's still funny, right?

I mean, it was as funny this time as it was last time.

So you got that going for you.

But it's at port.

It's built.

So it is actually like sitting in a port somewhere collecting salt, ruining the paint finish, corroding the electronic connections that will make it turn it into a lemon before it even arrives on American soil.

Any day now.

Well, how long does it take to get across the Atlantic these days?

Two to four weeks.

Well, but how long is it actually going to be on a boat where if the boat sinks, your car sinks to the bottom of the ocean?

And that's about the funniest thing I could imagine happening.

In perpetuity.

It's like a week, right?

The crossing?

Like four or five days.

Expect two to four weeks for it to cross the ocean is what it says.

That's so that's like longer than the Titanic would have took if it made it.

I think it's because it stops at other places along the way, like other ports across like Europe or whatever.

It doesn't just go directly from Germany to Cincinnati.

Apparently there's other places in between.

I'd say get that bad boy off that boat ASAP and just land ship it the rest of the way as soon as that's an option because you just know that boat's gonna sink in a hilarious way with Wade's car on it.

10 to 20 days.

They're only gonna lose one container.

It's like

waves!

Jesus!

Oh, thank God, only one.

They're gonna drive past an iceberg and be like, oh, we're clear, Captain.

And then the iceberg's just gonna be like, shoosh, and peel one container off the top, and that's Wade's car.

It reaches in, grabs mine, and then like beats it against its own head and throws it.

It peels it open, and it's like, oh, Wade's car.

Like a weird old Hanna-Barbera animation glacier just out in the middle of the real ocean.

No, what it is, is it's the Kraken, but ships have gotten a lot bigger.

So it's just like, ah, trying to reach up.

It grabs one.

Hey, fuck you!

And throws it into the ocean.

It's an old kraken dying of of old age.

Yeah, fuck you.

30 years ago, I could have taken down the whole boat.

I'd like to think your cargo container has Wade and a heart on the side of it, just so we know.

No, they actually got my name wrong.

They put George, but they spelled it G-O-E-R-G-E, so it was like Gorge on everything.

You're never getting it.

And your car is actually sitting at BMW with a big thing on it that says Gorge Barn.

And you go in, you're like, that's my car.

I ordered that.

You're like, nah, this is Gorge's car.

You can't have Gorge's car until you show me a birth certificate with that name on it.

We're keeping this right here.

Yeah, that's a German name.

If ever I heard it, I gave up on doing the German accent.

Yeah, yeah, was sufficient to get it across.

I'm with you, with you.

That's a German name, don't you know?

You know, the Canadian German provinces.

Connermany?

What part of Genermany is Canadian?

That's not.

No, no, Ka.

It was Connerminy.

Conerminy.

Hold the door, Conerminy.

Ya eh.

Ya eh.

Ya eh.

That's all they say, Ya.

Ike, I'm gonna hold the door for you there.

Sorry, Minnesotan family.

That all should have happened a little while ago, but I'm gonna allow it because that was really good, Small.

That was even better than I imagined.

I can't believe we talked about those things.

I've already blinked on all of them.

Don't you feel bad about your microphone, Small Talk?

The subreddit specifically said, it was only one person, but I'm going to say it was the subreddit collectively said, your small talk, where you talk about specific things that you really are interested in and know a lot about, is way more interesting than when Wade and I talk about our lives or any like human family stupid bullshit.

People are here for Mark's obsessive hyperfixations, and they're interested to learn all of the facts that he knows about these very niche but cool things that he likes.

I think what they really want is for you and I just to leave the podcast and just have Mark have the small talk podcast where he talks about tech and lenses.

That's kind of the vibe that I get from the subreddit, I'm not going to lie.

I agree.

Mark, Mark's on board.

You heard her here first.

Do you want the diss, the track, or the tibble?

We got to split it into thirds.

I don't want the tibble.

I am the tibble.

You can't have the tibble.

I'm the tibble.

Can I have the tract?

You look like you might have tract.

Can I just pick the inside words of things?

What about istra?

Can I be isra?

Stomp it on my tract a little bit, but I'll allow it.

Doesn't bother me.

All right, Mark is Istra.

Can you spell dick with distractible?

I mean, D-I-C.

Yeah, that's basically dick.

You spell distractible.

D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-K.

No, C-K-T-I.

Move on.

I'm going to shut up now.

Oh, man.

He tried to spell on the podcast again.

Wait a minute.

Come on, Mark.

Oh, no, no, no, I got it.

I got it.

All right, back to the matter at hand.

It's Wade's turn.

Your first word is marathon.

Your second word is a six and a four.

Uh, yep.

Uh, drone.

That's a good one for selling.

And then your final word is bloodlust.

I know this one.

Go for it.

I'm listening.

Do you suffer from terrible bloodlust?

And you find yourself needing gas-powered gas-powered appliances quite often in your bloodless home?

Well, I have the product for you.

The new gas-retrieving drone.

You can fly to the nearest marathon gas station and bring the gas directly to your door so you never have to see another being.

Because if you look another person in the eye, you and I both know what will happen.

Murder.

Ripping of throats.

Removing of hearts.

Use the drone.

Save a life.

I'm with you.

I got a little lost because I thought you were implying that having bloodlust meant that you needed a lot of extra gas-powered appliances in your home.

But you just meant, you just meant that getting gas requires seeing people.

You can't be around people.

You're fucking tear their flesh.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And I used marathon for the gas station.

So brilliant, right?

Yes.

I don't know why I paused.

I thought it was fine.

I just paused because I was like, make him wait.

I don't need anyone's approval.

I've got me, baby.

See, all right.

So I came up with my idea roughly the same time.

Just in case I wasn't put the

do you suffer from bloodlust?

Yeah, Mark, that's a great different idea.

Do you suffer from lust of blood?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Lithium-ion batteries will kill your children and your family, and it'll poison your water.

Don't feed those greedy lithium miners anything.

Their bloodlust cannot be sated.

Hi, I'm Ted Dingleberry, here to represent Marathon Gas with our new gas-powered drone.

Why waste anything on those stupid lithium batteries that take forever to charge when you can just

at over 30,000 RPM?

Our gas-powered drone can clear-cut an Amazon rainforest in two days flat.

Hundreds of acres taken down, refuels every few hours with clean-burning gasoline.

The new gas drone by Marathon.

Don't fly it at neck level.

How many people could it kill in two days?

Literally, I came up with like, yeah, marathon gas.

Gas and drone.

You know what touch I appreciate the most?

Just like with everything you do, you focused on the quality of the audio.

I love that you pull started the drone and you gave it the old ding ding ding ding and then you were just like, and now I have to talk like this because there's a drone behind me.

And I got it.

It's perfection.

Thank you.

Also, I love how your background is now the focus of your camera.

It's just

like, I guess he wants to look back here.

He wants me to focus over there.

Okay.

Camera's got jokes out here.

All right, Mark, you go first this time, and you'll be excited because I think this is going to be our first word off the fantasy list.

Ooh,

that is dagger oh a good one oh then we have a six and a seven which means your next word is going to be robot

oh

and then we have a seven and a six what the fuck what is this

all right

which means your next word is going to be meadow dagger robot meadow Don't Google Japanese last names.

You can do better.

You can't tell me what to Google.

From the brilliant mind of Hidataka Miyazaki comes the newest DLC for Elden Ring.

What the fuck's above the Erd Tree?

We go to space.

Featuring enormous planes, meadows, and all kinds of your favorite fantasy elements like swords, bows, and daggers.

But now, robots in space, you will be Elden Lord.

I could be Elden Lord.

No, that's so good, though, because the first DLC was shadow of the Air Tree.

So obviously, the second DLC is what the fuck is above the Air Tree.

It follows on so obviously.

I've already pre-ordered that DLC, I'm pretty sure.

You know what?

I'm glad you didn't listen to me and you Googled the one thing you always Google, Mark.

I appreciate the commitment.

Wade, are you ready?

Ready as I'm going to be.

Can I tend the rabbits, George?

Is a question we don't hear often enough because tending the rabbits is very difficult with all of the different predators that are floating around the meadow.

You've got hawks, you've got raccoons, you've got bears, but not anymore.

What you need is a dagger-wielding robot to protect your meadow.

We here at Dagger Robot Industries have all the dagger robots, but hey, it's not all just about protecting the beautiful rabbits and squirrels and different peaceful species in the meadow.

We have another representative here, Drake Ulysses

Law.

I do not live in a castle anymore.

I have moved my coffin to a peaceful meadow.

But people want to come with their wooden stakes and daggers and stab me.

But I got one of your dagger-wielding robots and now I am protected at all times.

And he's not the only one, but we'll save some of the others for the other commercials.

Get yourself a dagger-wielding robot today.

He's not the only one.

They're not here right now.

You'll have to catch our other commercials to see if you want your

other satisfied customers.

What a good cameo, huh?

I can't tell if I'm happy or sad that Drac Ulysses love came back.

I have so many feelings about it.

If the callback bonus point comes up, I have no fucking idea who's going to ever.

I think that's why I have.

I think it was funny, but what you really brought me back to was the moment when that reveal happened the first time, where I had such an absolutely like gut reaction to how much I was disappointed, but also shocked.

Because it was funny.

It's a very funny bit.

And it feels mean.

I can't just laugh at it, but it's too complicated.

I'll never top it.

I peeked, probably.

Let's do one more, but let's do five words.

Oh, god, I'm not ready.

Editors, if it's not funny, pretend the last one was the last one.

Editors, if it's not funny, just edit their mouth so it looks like it's funny.

So, your first word is six and eleven, upload,

and then five and six.

Uh, that will be castle.

And then seven and nine, which of course is

rainforest.

And then two

and fifteen,

which we all know is

investment.

And then four

and one.

Ooh, what's the first word on the fourth list?

I don't even know.

Casserole.

Upload castle, rainforest, investment, casserole.

Who gets to go first?

I I guess Mark gets to go first because of the way I've timed this out.

That's generous of me.

No, Wade went second last time because Ulysses la.

Yeah.

Wade gets to go first.

That's generous of me.

Are you a property baron who's finding that global warming is ruining all of your investments?

Did you have a nice house over on the cliffs, but the cliffs have all fallen into the ocean as the icebergs have melted and water levels have risen and all of your investments have been flooded and ruined?

Well, I have the perfect solution for you.

You can now upload all of your investments into a nice little disc and carry that disc into other places, other biomes, other parts of the world, and you can upload them right then and there.

Do you want a castle in the rainforest?

Easy.

Get your castle, upload it, go to the nearest rainforest that's not been cut down yet by horrible, terrifying drones, and you can put your castle right then and there.

We have a special going on right now where you can get three of these discs for the price of one.

And on top of that, you get a 10-year voucher for all you can eat at any casserole cafe.

That's any casserole cafe in the continental U.S., specifically in Alabama.

Buy today.

No, I just wish Casserole Cafe was a real place.

It is.

Buy today.

Is it?

I think so.

Also, just to clarify completely, is the technology that you're selling the ability to upload physical things onto a disc and then just like...

Yes.

That's a hell of a technology.

That's quite the invention.

I had the idea, then you threw casserole, and I was like, how the fuck do I add casserole to this?

I know.

Act now.

Those always give weird things.

I like it.

Mark, what Japanese guy did you Google this time?

You shush.

We here at Folgers are making grand investments to make sure every thick cup of coffee you get is the richest, smoothest flavor of coffee you could possibly imagine.

Straight from the rainforest of Columbia that we have clear-cut for those local farmers who are really uppity to get out.

And so we've planted even more coffee where the rainforest used to be so that you can get more thick cup

of coffee for your morning routine.

And on that land,

we're going to build a big, beautiful casserole.

Oh, sorry, I misspoke.

A big, beautiful castle

so that we can watch over our lands and ensure that our coffee is never reclaimed by that pesky rainforest or those pesky farmers ever again.

Folgers, we protect our investments.

Best part of waking up is cuploads of our stuff.

Cuploads of thick coffee.

Do you like how I said thick cup at the beginning so I could get away with thick cuploads?

Oh, it's so well done.

That's such a good use of upload as a required word, too.

I love it.

Casserole, I misspoke.

Casserole.

Poor use of it.

Rainforest?

Sorry, I meant it's raining in the forest.

Oh, man.

God damn.

God, I want a thick cupload of coffee now.

You followed all the rules.

I can't even be mad.

I want to grab my coin, but like that.

I can't even, like, how can I argue?

You used the words.

There was no game playing or maneuvering whatsoever.

He just did exactly what I asked him to do.

That's what I'm here for.

I really, the only people in my life who drink coffee are like my parents, because neither Mandy and I really do coffee.

I really want to just drop that next time.

They're in town and we're hanging out.

Like, hey, you guys had your thick cuploads yet today?

I eat your coffee?

Dad?

Mom?

Cupload?

In your facehole?

Go through the drive-thru at Starbucks.

It's like, hey, can I get a

upload of coffee?

Brought my own cup.

Sounds like a slogan, but it'd be like a Duncan slogan.

Welcome to Duncan.

Can we upload you a cupload?

One quick click can get you a thick cupload.

There you go, sir.

Have a good day.

Okay.

God damn, there were so many just absolute gems in that one little thing.

I can't, I'm still hung up on it.

Sorry, I misspoke.

Hung up in it.

In no particular order, let's go over what you earned points for before we get to the wheel spins.

Mark, I'm not going to lie.

I was excited for this after your first go.

But man, you really turned on the jets.

He's not the host.

What the fuck's going on here?

Bob, you did great, great episode.

Oh, thanks.

I had to give him his flowers.

We give him so much shit for two-sentence horror stories.

He did well.

He deserved a flower.

Honestly, I feel like we didn't give him very much shit at all.

We just laughed because he was already laughing.

And that was a comedy show.

So I feel like that was just very successful.

Maybe just not for the reasons Mark may have originally intended, but it was very funny.

What was it?

Good thing I brought my spooky glasses or whatever the fuck it was.

Too bad I was on the moon.

I actually use that in everyday life.

Literally, in totally normal human situations.

I don't always say it out loud, but I think regularly, I'll just be like, oh, too bad I'm on the moon.

I think me and Amy use scary tape a lot, too.

No, it was a scary tape.

I use the scary tape.

Oh, my God.

See, we did laugh, but it's because it was actually so funny, we couldn't not laugh.

Also, you suck at that.

You both earned points for being good followers.

Wade, you earned points for questioning reality,

sucking up, breakfast arena, Ghostbusters Bit.

I know this one.

Drac Ulysses La coming back.

And the Casserole Cafe that I wish existed.

Mark, you earned the good follower point.

What in the fuck did I write?

I know this pain.

I feel it every time I look at at my notes.

Briger gating

in brigand in brigand

and big knowing in big nanginaring.

Oh no, invaginate.

Invaginate.

Okay.

Marker points for invaginate, jorkin it, nugget in a biscuit reference, googling Japanese guys,

small talk interlude, gas-powered murder drone, what the fuck is above the air tree, and thick cuploads.

That leaves us with both of you having some number of points and it being time to spin the wheel.

What's your addition?

Well, let's do this one first since I already have it open and then I will do my addition.

Oh, please.

Oh boy.

Oh, that's tough.

All right, we're going to have one bonus thing.

My addition to the bonus point wheel

will be...

Thickest coupload, most Dracula references.

I didn't actually have one prepared for this.

I want it to be something about the thing

I wish actually existed the most from the episode, but that's a really fucking obscure thing to make as a bonus point.

You could say, like, million-dollar idea.

Best million-dollar idea.

All right, I like that.

Please be good to me, Wheel, because you only get one spin.

Wow, it almost gave you the best million-dollar idea, but actually, it was dropped the most items.

Oh,

did either of you actually drop anything this whole time no mark's camera dropped focus why try to give mark points so hard

i just try to genuinely think of moments where something dropped i don't know i appreciate the honesty we're gonna respin that one that one's kind of a tie if anyone drops stuff it's me because i'm constantly dropping my fucking fidget spinners i can't keep my hands off of ah i just want to be loud in case If that comes up.

Oh!

Damn it.

I like that.

I know this one.

Well, the one result was Wade gets half a point from the bonus wheel, and that's it, apparently.

Under wheelming, am I right?

Yeah!

Freeze me in the midair.

Yeah!

Well Mark either won by half a point or I dominated by three.

Let's say,

Wade, for all the things I already listed out loud, you ended up earning eight and one-half points.

Yeah.

Which is either a very respectable number or not remotely enough.

It's one and a half more than seven.

That is factually true.

Mark, for all that stuff I already listed, you earned

nine points.

What's nine?

Super nine.

Nah, Mark earned nine points.

I was trying to to think of a way to make it suspensible.

I figured you'd think I was going to say seven or something, but I did it when you went.

I was like, oh.

Oh, well, then it worked perfectly.

Marker nine points, meaning that Wade's half point bonus point was half a point too short to force me to spin the fucking wheel of torture.

So Mark wins and I don't lose.

Hooray!

Mark, winner speech?

Wow.

What a show I had.

I really pulled it out.

I think having people not believe in me that I could do this with all the two-sentence horror story stuff, well, I've been taking two-sentence horror story lessons.

So,

if I could shake my head, go in yeener and yeener, I would, but I can't right now because I'm frozen.

Anyway, thanks, guys.

And thanks, Bob.

And thanks, Wade.

And thank me.

Wade?

Loser speech?

Oh, what a show it has been, but it's not about me.

There's no more for you to see.

I thought Mark was going to do that whenever he said something.

His start made me think he was gonna do the.

Anyway, good episode.

It was fun.

That was fun.

I was worried.

I was like, connecting a bunch of words.

I don't know if they're not too related.

What are we gonna do?

But I thought it turned out great.

Great episode, Bob.

That was so nice.

I would have given you half a point for that.

I wish I'd said it sooner.

Mark, good win.

You earned it by doing more than I expected you to.

Googling so many Japanese guys.

Way more.

My average Japanese guy Google search is up.

You guys should have bought stock while it was low.

Now look at you.

Oh, mentioned the Googled the most Japanese men.

Should have been on the wheel.

That would be a good wheel edition.

Yeah, I'll keep, I'll definitely remember that.

I was trying to make the joke to the Adam Driver sketch, but I can't remember the guys.

HR Pounder, C-C-H.

HR Pounder.

Anyway, congrats, Mark.

You're going to host the next one.

And congrats, Wade.

I'm sure he'll win again someday.

Make sure you follow the podcast.

That way you'll get notifications when episode episode comes out.

Make sure you follow us at our social medias.

And I'm not going to say it because I realize, you know what, guys?

After probably months of this happening, the editors just put it on screen.

That means we don't have to tell the listeners what our handles are.

They don't get to know.

They can see it.

Yeah, that's the thing.

If you want to know where to follow us personally, you got to watch.

You got to earn it.

So.

Take that.

And that's it.

Thanks so much for watching.

Thanks for listening, I guess.

Technically, Mark's going to host the next one.

We're out of here.

Podcast out.