Carl's Jr./Hardee's 4 with Stavros Halkias

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At Super Bowl 59, the Philadelphia Eagles presented a Kansas City Chiefs three-peat in a lopsided contest better remembered for its Kendrick Lamar halftime show and of course its commercials, including a fast food ad notable for having some titties.

The Horned Up $7 million plus spot was a return to form for a burger chain known for excess both in its marketing and on its menu.

Founded in Anaheim in 1945 by Carl Karcher, the company grew across the American West for a half century and then expanded its map globally via a 1997 merger with a similar Wilbur Hardy-founded burger concept after Karcher was forced out by his corporate board.

Internew CEO Andrew Puzder, who'd worked as a lawyer representing anti-abortion organizations, and Karcher himself.

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Subtly, condiments often symbolize cum.

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And today, it's all paid off for old Puzz, who has advocated replacing workers with kiosk and opposes the very concept of overtime pay, considering he's now the United States ambassador to the European Union.

As for his company, it may in fact have its finger on the pulse of the current climate.

Its new ad features not a reality star, but an influencer, Alex Earle, wearing a star-shaped bikini top and was enthusiastically received by Randy viewers.

To quote Redditor Stacey King Rules, commenting on a post on R Doughboys titled Carls Jr.

going back to boobs and butts ads, quote, I can finally bust again.

This week on Dough Boys, we return once again to Carl's Jr.

Hardys.

Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants.

I'm Tiger Weiger, along with my co-host, Yoda's Ball Sack.

Yoda's Ball Sack?

The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell.

What?

I don't even get it myself, but I like it.

Love you.

Matty2Siegs, roastedbirdfuck.com.

Yoda's ball sack?

I'm like, do I look old or green or something?

I don't understand.

Yoda's ball sack looks like.

I do think of it as like it'd be like a tightly coiled, like, you know, green.

Like, it does not resemble you in any way, but it also does kind of fit.

I mean, sure.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm fucking Yoda's ball sack.

Maybe the same amount of total hair over the surface area.

I do have you.

I do not have a lot of, you know, this.

I don't have a lot of hair.

No, you're one of those guys who's like, you got a, you know, you got a big beard.

I have a good amount of chest hair.

Yeah.

But like, but then the ball, that whole area, there's not a lot going on down there.

Everything kind of froze in time down there, if you catch my drift.

That's the area that's Yoda-esque.

When I was a boy, this went down into the nuclear basement and then it came up and it's been the same size.

I got to, you know, they get it.

Yeah, they get it.

You know, squeeze it to them.

Mitch, this episode is going to the Frank Bank, but we are recording during Munch Madness, which means we are right after St.

Patrick's Day.

And this past Monday...

I was trying to think of some funny, you know,

balls are blue they are.

You know what I mean?

I was trying to do some sort of thing.

I think it was, I think balls are blue.

They are.

I think you got it.

So this past Monday was St.

Patrick's Day.

The whole team, you had us all go out to the Tam O'Shanter, Great Bar in L.A., for some St.

Patrick's Day revelry, which I'd never done.

And I had a great time.

I think we all had a lot of fun.

But so something happened.

We said

we did a little prayer.

We praised the IRA before our meeting.

So

towards the end of my evening, because I obviously left earlier than everybody,

you came up to me with Casey

and you tell me emphatically,

Nick, Jeffrey Jones is over there.

And I'm like, what?

And again, you go, Jeffrey Jones, and you're like pointing at the beer line in this crowded outdoor tent.

You're not really excited.

It's one of your favorite,

I shouldn't say actors, but one of your favorite people.

Yes, I guess.

Just personalities.

If people hear the name and don't know who that is, you would recognize the face.

He's a character actor,

like a six foot four red-headed guy.

He's been a ton of stuff.

He was an Amadeus.

He was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

He was in Betelgeuse, Deadwood.

He was kind of in Betelgeuse, Beetlejuice.

Well, this is the thing.

Not really in Betelgeuse, Beetlejuice, because his most notable recent role is on the sex offender registry for grooming a 14-year-old boy.

So Mitch is telling me.

Wait,

that counts for your resume?

You can be the sex offender's line?

Yeah, yeah, you put that on IMDb.

I'm going to send it to my agent.

So we're at this crowded bar.

It's St.

Patrick's Day.

It's like packed.

Mitch is pointing at the beer line and repeats like six, like six different times.

Jeffrey Jones is right there.

So I'm looking over there, like, again, just trying to do the math of my head of like why he would be out here in such a public place after being me too'd, but like trying to rationalize it.

And also like, like any curious citizen, I've looked at the sex offender registry before and I know that he lives in the general area of the Tamo shanter.

So I'm thinking this is, I guess, plausible.

And Mitch keeps going, Jeffrey Jones is right there.

I'm looking at this big, big fucking pedophile.

I'm not seeing him.

And yeah.

Wait a minute.

I just want to say,

you look at the sex offenders registry enough that you know Jeffrey Jones must be in the fucking

lived.

I saw his general neighborhood and I was like, I guess this is all happening in real time.

You sell like Deviant Star maps.

Start the tour at the Tiki Theater.

So So,

see, I eventually follow your finger and realize who you're pointing at.

You're pointing at headgum host Jeffrey James.

This story is, the ending of the story is great because it's me not knowing someone who works here's name.

You know what?

I'm not going to tell you.

I don't give a shit.

I thought his name was Jeffrey Jones.

And he put us through Jeffery, so fucking.

That's true.

I assumed you were just

misspeaking, and you got the wires crossed.

Well, there was another issue issue there, too, is that the Plowboys were on stage and people were like, the Proud Boys are here.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

I thought people were saying the Proud Boys, and I was getting really excited to see what they were going to,

what the Proud Boys were going to do on stage.

But it was the Plowboys, and the Plowboys were great.

Yeah.

They probably should change their name from the Plowboys.

That was a wild one.

That night was wild.

A lot of fun.

My pants fell down.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

Did you not watch the videos, Amelia Sex?

Did they do

the group chat?

We were like joke doing Irish step dancing at one point, and then we were all doing it, and Mitch went, I think my pants are going to fall down in a minute.

And also, we got a good picture of you, Wages.

Snoozing.

I don't know if you knew this was happening.

No.

But this is,

that's Wages.

Oh, there you go.

You were having a good time, though.

I had a lovely time.

A lot of fun.

It was a good time.

Happy St.

Patrick's Day.

Yeah, a little belated at this point, but

sure.

It's April, whatever.

Well, St.

Patrick's month, the Irish month, just Trump gave us the whole month.

That's true.

We got all of March now.

Still, Wags, let's hit him with a drop.

I forgot that I had to do it.

You shall not boss.

Bing-bong.

Sing-song.

Burp, bury, burr, bury, button bomb.

Come, dudes.

Give daddy a kiss.

Button boom.

Fucking condescending pricks.

Button ball.

Cload MC Hammer, they put me in the mix.

Gastro esophageal.

Gastro esophageal sounds very high-fallutant.

Well, that was fun.

I mean, it's better than Yoda's ball sack.

Was that what it was?

I don't know.

Yoda's ball sack's pretty good.

Here's a little drop.

Count Dropula.

That's all that there is to it.

Thank you, Count Dropula.

Well done, Count Dropula.

Drops at birdfuck.com.

We got a big one.

We got it.

We got him.

Mitch, you and I are both big fans of today's guest.

We're very excited to finally get him in studio from Stavi Zordon, currently touring North America on his Dream Boat tour.

Stavros Halkias is here.

Hi, Stav.

Fellas, thanks for having me.

Thanks so much for making time for you.

I had to respect the sanctity of the boys riffing back and forth, even though there was some great stuff.

I do respect Yoda's ball sack because it's sort of like back to basics of a roast where it's like, it doesn't matter who it is.

They're Yoda's ball sack.

You know what I mean?

Like,

that's a nice one that you hear and you like pick up.

You say it.

You hear it in sixth grade.

Yeah.

And then you take it home to your friends in your neighborhood.

Like, Yoda's ball sack doesn't really mean anything, but

it is a pretty good roast.

You call your dad Yoda's ball sack accidentally.

You get the shit kicked out of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

Dare you call me Yoda's ball sack?

I didn't leave Greece to be disrespected.

You know, I don't know.

I don't know if everybody had that experience.

You will fucking respect me.

And then, you know, he comes back.

He's crying.

He has all the Star Wars DVDs to make up for it.

Yeah, that kind of classic childhood experience.

I had a friend, I said,

me and another friend said, like, it was a hot day, and this was like middle school.

I was like, it's hot as snatch.

And she overheard us.

And then she came to school the next day and was so mad.

She was like, I get in so much trouble because I was in the car with my mom.

I told her it was hot as snatch.

Yeah.

And she's also a Jehovah's Witness.

Oh, that's tough.

Jesus.

That is tough.

I think that little joke about child abuse might have actually happened to her.

If I had to guess.

Way to go, Wags.

Nice, dude.

Also, fucking little punk Weiger saying it's hot as snatch.

Jesus.

You're 12, you're 13.

You know, you're trying to be a little bit of an advanced.

It's going to be hot as snatch this week.

You see, the it's getting into the 80s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn.

I'm mad.

I'm begone.

You know, I hate ice-cold snatch.

I think that's a big issue, man.

If somebody has cold pussy, I think you're in the morgue.

You know what I hate when I'm accidentally having sex with a corpse?

That slab is so hard on your back.

Wait a minute.

Stop, you've been touring.

You're kind enough to make time for us while you're briefly here in L.A.

What, like, what is your road eating routine?

Because I know it's always a little bit chaotic and we tour a lot less than you, but like, you know, you're on, you're on the road for like weeks at a time.

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's brutal.

I mean, the road has tried to kill me every time.

Every time I go on a tour, I get fatter, more unhealthy.

My life gets so much worse.

And so I'm trying so desperately not to, like, truly, I've gained maybe 30 pounds every tour because it's just

you could do draw.

It's just like the best.

You can get as fucked up as you want.

You could eat dog shit.

There's no rails on your life.

And so I'm really desperately this is like a tour where i'm trying not to just like i'm trying to stay alive you know what i mean like being a fat when you start looking at the actuarial tables for fat comedians lifespans it's not looking good when you just keep doing drugs right past 35 so you know i'm i'm trying to keep this was the most unhealthy meal i've probably had the whole tour honestly wow so wow

i'm i've been keeping it pretty good actually that's not true i did a different food show sorry where they've made even worse even more food.

It was more, this was less healthy, but that was more food.

Sure.

Anyway, I've eaten like shit maybe four times, but I'm trying to keep it together.

And yeah, it's just a lot of, I'm hitting Costco's.

I'm getting like pre-made shit.

I'm getting these fucking

sumo oranges.

I'm a big fan of the sumo oranges.

You guys fuck with those?

Yeah.

And they have a little top knot.

You peel that off.

It feels like candy, like the closest fruit could get to candy.

And then, you know, just having protein bars and pretending they're not just candy bars.

I've been doing a lot of that too you know but yeah it's like it's really brutal and at first it's awesome if you're fat and you love you have a food addiction you're on the road and there's no

you have no access to food it's like oh yeah I'm getting burgers I'm getting wings you just get some fucked up uber eats orders going as well so it is brut it is tough but you know I'll eat I'm trying I mean this is at my most boring right now where it's like a lot of like steak I've been like getting steak fillets and like a asparagus and you know, eating like a spoiled like rich kid, like a spoiled rich toddler where I'll just have like a fillet and a baked potato.

Yeah.

And then like sushi feels kind of, kind of safe.

And then I've also, you also get sick on the road all the time.

Like I just got over something and so like I'll have some pho as well.

That's sort of like, oh, there you go.

Those are like the, that's like the three main food groups basically.

And canned beans actually.

I've been eating like, because I'm on a bus, so I've been having like some divorced dad breakfast where it's like canned pinto beans and like sirloin steak, and I make these little sad roll-ups.

But that's like a train hobo meal, yeah, yeah.

I'm like the fanciest train hobo on the tour bus, dude.

We eat a lot of sardines and like canned beans and shit.

Um, but yeah, it's it's uh, it's been pretty good.

I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying being out on the road again.

Ron Perlman just stared me down, so I got scared for a moment.

Dude, hell boy himself,

Ron Perlman is just outside the window.

Damn, there he is.

Yeah,

you never know what will happen here at Headgum.

He's in full the makeup.

He's just Hellboy.

That's crazy.

He's actually fucking people up by punching them and shit.

He's like, you will respect Hellboy.

I haven't seen the movie, but he's kind of being kind of over the top.

Also, there's a practical ball sack that he has.

Hellboy's ball sack.

He's so red.

He's kind of glowing red, bright red.

I thought they're doing that practically.

Not in CG.

No CG, man.

It's always fun to see a new act come into Headgum and be like, I I wonder if that's our replacement.

Just celebrities coming in.

You're like,

okay, here we go.

They're waving to us.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I saw it.

Wow.

He was very animated there.

You might have heard the nutsack riff.

Second colored, like, second, like, different colored nutsack riff of 10 in 10 minutes.

We got Yoda some green nuts.

That's what I'm bringing to this show.

Let's see what else we can get.

What other color balls?

Got to talk like the minion screwdoms.

Complete the trifecta.

Hellboy and Yoda, you got yourself some Christmas nutsack.

Oh, there you go.

We can sell that.

Sell that as a nice little pack.

Christmas nuts.

I know you're a big sport.

I know you're a big sports fan.

I'm an NBA fan myself.

This episode released just as the regular season is ending.

I know you also follow the NBA.

Remind me who your team is.

So I follow Giannis first and foremost.

Yes, right?

The Greek freak.

The Greek freak.

It's cool to have one of the best players in the world be Greek.

I love Giannis.

Mitch has some anti-Giannis sentiment just for him being a Boston Celtics player.

Here's the issue.

Our sports fandom does not align.

No, I hate the Patriots and the Celtics.

We're definitely a big...

I still think about

that they should have won game six.

when Middleton was hurt.

I still think about when, you know what I mean?

Like, I think they would have beat the Warriors the year you guys lost to the Warriors.

So i still actually i was watching that in a decent at the dc improv green room something we were talking about before but like i remember these i have yes there's so much we really don't see eye to eye because the patriots and ravens the ravens were sneaky a thorn in the patriots side boys a lot of times and uh but yes beyond i was i've been rooting for the ravens now but like uh like i wanted you guys i wanted you guys to win it all this year basically but it would have been cool lamar's the man but but yeah i'm uh i so i follow yannis and to be honest i don't know if this is a weird thing where I, the older I get, I'm like,

I can't follow the NBA because there's too many games.

Yeah, it sucks 100%.

When I was just like, when all I did was do shows and like come back, you come back, especially on the East Coast, you come back, it's like midnight, you catch the second half of like a Kings game or a Lakers game.

Like, that was the best.

The most I followed the NBA was like when my life was going bad.

I would go to some shitty bar show and bomb, and I would come home and just order like, you know, wings or whatever, whatever fucked up thing from like a little bodega cheesesteak, and just watch that get stoned, eat Ben and Jerry's.

There was like a period of my life where the NBA and my food addiction just kind of melded so beautifully.

And so that's what Ben and Jerry's we're talking about, by the way.

I'm a

my number one is

a chubby hubby.

Oh, sure.

I love, I just love a pretzel.

I love a pretzel.

I love a peanut butter.

That's the ideal

dessert mix to me

is the flavor profile of a chubby hubby.

I

I could do a little, I could fuck around with the texture a bit.

Like they had that Netflix and chilled one.

Oh,

similar, that has similar stuff, but it maybe has thinner pretzels.

I want to say they mash the pretzels up a little bit.

That's one of the names that just

the name is tough, but you know, you have to persevere

for the flavor.

Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Dough

regrettably is like very good.

I'm laughing with every spoonful.

Americone Dream is good, too.

Americone Dream is good.

You know, a lot of good ones.

But yeah, I'm a big.

Jimmy,

the Tonight Dough has like a, it has a boozy swirl to it and a bloody hand,

a bloody hand wrap.

That's a rumcore.

When he hurt his hand.

Yeah, yeah.

He's just

an athlete.

He's a klutz.

Yeah, he's a klutz.

I can't believe he's a klutz.

Surely has nothing to do with anything else.

Fuck, I'm going to get banned from the tonight show.

You're done.

I can never do the tonight show.

You're never going to do it with Jimmy Knight.

You're never going to be able to play

the cup on the tonight show.

That's right, dude.

If you flip the cup well enough, he invites you to the tonight.

Jimmy likes your pong shots.

Come on over.

Next day you want peacocks at coming.

Let's,

I'm,

because I agree with what you're saying that I like you look at the Bucs and you look at Giannis.

Like he like obviously won the one title but it felt like there's never really been like a fully healthy milwaukee roster since then now that they still count that as a as a as a covet title

hilarious

i know was it was it the year after the it was like the first year that was normal it was the actual normal yeah yeah yeah yeah uh but the but like you know and then obviously they've they've they've abandoned ship on middleton which i don't know if that's the right decision or not but like you know they they swapped in for kuzma but it's like they they never really have had a real run at it again at full health.

But I mean, that's the whole difficulty with repeating toast.

No, they're fucked.

And I actually have a lot of problems.

I think from the like all the way back to like signing Eric Bledsoe, I feel like this GM,

you know,

they want a title, so you can't be that mad, but it's like a lot.

And how they fucked up the Bogdanovich deal way back in the day.

And like, they had so many things.

And even this Dame deal.

How did you not think Holiday was going to get to the fucking Celtics?

Like, that's just so insane to dangle holiday out there.

And I love Dame, and I thought it was cool.

And there is something to be said about just making a trade like a little kid, where it's like, Dame's cool, Giannis is cool, you know, like put them together, but you know, it just when Holiday was just out there, I just felt like that was such a mistake.

And yeah, fucking Kuzma, Kuzma's all good, but it's like, what are we doing here?

Like, they just waited too long.

If they were going to trade Middleton, they waited too long.

Yeah.

And I just think the whole, this just shows you how good Giannis is.

Right.

Because the fact that they are even competitive, if you take him off that team, that's a fucking tough team, dude.

Tough team to watch.

I mean, I'll tell you when I knew, I mean, I said this to Weiger

is when Doc Rivers came in.

I was like, all right, we're good to go.

Yeah, exactly.

No, no, no.

Are you kidding me, fucking Doc Rivers?

That was so.

As a guy who loved, he won a championship for the Celtics, but I'm like, would the Celtics have won more championships without Doc Rivers?

It's a huge possibility.

For sure.

No, shout out to Doc Rivers.

And I also respect anyone who is that much of a finesse lord, who's just bad at his fucking job.

He's just like, just like knows how to shake the right hands.

How did he even...

It's just off the booth.

Why they picked Doc Rivers?

Yeah.

I do unfortunately fear the Bucs are fucked, but I also, I don't really give a fuck about Milwaukee.

Sure.

I like Giannis.

In my dream world, he ends up on the Knicks because I like the Knicks.

I live in New York.

I grew up in Baltimore.

I could never really root for the Wizards because it's just a different D.C.

and Baltimore.

It's a different place.

They were the Baltimore Bullets at a certain point, but they don't have any cultural ties related to Baltimore.

No, no, no.

And so that's why it felt right to me to like, when I moved, you know, I moved to New York.

I'm like, this is, I'm a fucking New York guy, baby.

I'm rooting for the nick.

And I moved there when Porzingis gets drafted.

It was like a nice, this is my team now.

So I'd love Giannis.

Every night.

Curse you, Osama.

That's what happened.

You're in New York.

That's what happened.

I'm in New York.

I'm saying, fuck Osama.

I'm getting fucking, I'm getting bagels.

I'm getting fucking halal card.

I'm getting halal cards and saying, fuck Osama.

How about that, Osama?

You know what I mean?

I don't even, it's not about the religion.

I like Islam.

I'm going to eat halal food.

It's about you as a man,

you know, and about never forgetting.

See, in California, like Osama, we're like, man, you know, we're like, man.

Yeah, you guys.

Kind of like whatever on Osama.

And that was kind of when I was like, should I move to LA or New York?

It turned me off how mad you guys were about Osama.

Because, you know, I was like, I know you guys are, you know, it's not New York, but come on, the guy's a piece of shit.

He was like, accidents happened.

It's like,

that's how we feel about the whole thing.

9-11 was a mistake.

It was just a flub.

All right, you mentioned Baltimore,

which is where you're from.

Baltimore has,

you know, like, I believe a very large Greek population.

There's a Greek town.

You're from Greek town.

I'm from Greek town in Baltimore.

Yeah.

What do you think?

More crabs in Baltimore or more Greeks?

What do you think?

There are probably more crabs, I I would say.

Yeah, I was actually.

You're probably right.

There's probably a lot of crabs.

Just way more crabs.

Yeah.

I mean, I'll eat a dozen.

That's one

12.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Crabs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're talking those like Maryland, like those blue crabs, right?

The little guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Those are, those are like a little cumbersome to eat, but I have enjoyed them when I've, when I've dined on them.

Yeah, it's about the experience.

Right.

It's not about the meal.

Are you like, are you, are you crab over lobster man, or how do you feel?

Probably, yeah.

Just out of, just out of like, you know, civic pride for Baltimore.

We really do have, like, it is nice when you go to us, and that's something I do like about touring is you go to somewhere and it's like their thing really is better, you know, and we, you can't get a better crab cake than Baltimore.

I think in my true, like,

people have, they fucked them up all over the place.

So I think we have like lump crab is just so fucking good.

You can get that at any shitty restaurant in Baltimore.

You could have like crab fries, crab dip, whatever, a crab pretzel, some good stuff.

Like, even shitty carry-outs, may nacho mamas, may it rest in peace, a place I used to always get wings and pizza from.

They just had crab nachos, and it was like shitty takeout nachos, but they had like expensive, like crab that would cost you like 50 bucks for like an ounce.

It's like, we just kind of have that.

We're just kind of throwing it around.

So I have to respect that.

And like, and that is one thing I do like and I miss about touring and trying to be healthy is like trying to keep it together, like not getting a fucked up burrito in San Francisco, not going crazy in San Diego.

Like that hurt me to fucking

eat meal-prepped food instead of getting a fucking burrito with fries in it this run.

Well, that was crime.

That's all we do on the road.

That's the whole thing.

It's like you're in a place, and we're doing a fucking food podcast.

And sometimes what we're doing is, you know, we're in a good, we're in like a good food city.

We're in like Minneapolis, but we're eating like fucking Taco John's, which is dog shit.

So we want to have a treat meal.

And so you go out and get a juicy Lucy, and then you feel like shit.

You just feel fucking

on stage doing a live show and just you're feeling a log thorn

right above your Yoda nutsacks you feel fucking you got little Yoda nutsacks trying to pop out maybe that's what it is shit maybe Yoda's nutsack is the deranged shits that you guys take after what you eat it's like little tight green balls

covered with hairy um no dude that feeling of just like bubbling ass your stomach you're like i've taken I've taken Peptobismo the way like an NFL player injects himself with a painkiller to play.

You know what I mean?

Like when you're that, just eating like shit and then being like, just so I don't shit myself for the 55 minutes I'm on stage, I need Pepto-Bismo.

Pepto smells like us.

They smell like smelling salt.

Amelia,

you're a huge Pepto.

Ooh, okay.

What are your favorite flav?

Because here's another thing Pepto's done.

They've become flavors.

They've gotten flavors, which I have a big issue with because it's like, they're clearly targeting fat people.

Like, why is Pepto chewable now?

They know I'm going to have fucking five berry-flavored peptos.

Like, you can't give fat people the tastiest medicines.

Yeah, I'll say.

Like, they're stealing our money.

Pepto gravy was kind of a scene at that point.

You're like, hold on a second.

Yeah, when they start going savory.

Do you dabble with the chewables at all?

I dabble with the Tom's chewables.

Okay, the mixed berries.

The mixed berries.

Yeah, they have a mixed baby.

It's like candy.

Exactly what I'm saying.

They have a fucking, Tom's has something called berry delight.

I'm not, I should not be delighted.

It's fucking medicine.

I should have one.

It should not be good.

And then my stomach should feel better.

It shouldn't be so tasty.

I have fucking eight, and now I'm out, you know, $14

because I'm going to get them again.

They're so good.

They were making fun of me because I do the men's one a day and I do, and I do gummy.

I do the gummy one a day.

And they are like, pretty fucking good.

Yeah, I'm an adult.

I'm a man.

I know.

I used to eat my mom's chocolate women's multivitamin.

That's some real fat boy shit where it's like, I'm on Weight Watchers as a child, and they've taken away all my good shit.

So I like on, I peel five of my mother's chocolate women's multivitamin and like mash it into one little fudge ball and pretend I'm having like a dessert.

Yeah, dude.

You can really get creative.

I was in a thing called Fit Kids when I was younger, which was like, they like, they took fat, young fat kids to the Y, basically.

And then there was an article in the newspaper.

I was like, I don't want to be in the fucking, it was like me with like weights, like, you know, like lifting weights.

I was like, I don't want people to see I'm in Fit Kids.

And also like, it never, nothing happened.

I stayed the same fucking size.

Yeah.

But I, uh, Amelia will always give, especially if we're doing shows or whatever, she'll be there for, with Pepto for me.

But my issue is, is that it binds me.

I, I have like a, like a little Nasferatu shit after that.

Like, it really, it backs me up.

Yeah.

It is disgusting.

It is Nasferat.

It's calling to you all night.

Because it's like,

you have to shit, but it won't let you.

It won't let you.

It's constantly kind of like

sending you visions of how horrible the shit is going to be the next morning.

And then it is, it's dark.

It's, it's.

It's green and weird.

Yeah.

It's a Yoda's Nutsack shit.

It literally is a Yoda's Nuts Act shit.

And if you want to get crazy, combine it with fiber.

You ever do that?

You ever go metamucil plus peptobismol?

Wow, no, I'm not.

That's one of the most fucked up shits imaginable.

It's like a speed bag.

I'm trying that tonight.

But yeah, dude, that's when you've really done the fattest touring possible.

Where you're like, nothing I've eaten has had contained any fiber, and it's giving me diarrhea.

So you have fucking Metamucil and Peptobismal, and then good.

And I'm on a bus, like we're taking a tour bus, and you're not supposed to shit on the bus.

So I've been doing extra pepto just in case.

God forbid.

And so there have been some like wake up, fucking bolt awakening U City and just run to the nearest business with a bathroom and take the most horrifying shit like imagine.

Have you ever had a, we never, during a live show, we've never had to do that at least where I've had to run off stage, but probably close.

At UCB days, I had a run off stage and go to the bathroom at one point.

Oh, wow.

I don't know if you ever had that.

You had to leave the stage and take a shit.

I had to leave the stage and take a shit.

I've never had that happen to me.

I've definitely had like

either I feel like I'm gonna have diarrhea just before a show and like was like, well, there's no time.

I just gotta deal with this.

You know, I'm just

holding in a shit while doing comedy.

It's so present.

It's like you're just like, you're having like shit sweats.

It's like people

can smell like shit sweat is a different sort of sweat.

But I did a Hayward and I did a thing that it's we put it in our in the birthday boy, the sketch show that I was on, birthday boys, where I drank like a whole gallon of milk on stage.

But I ran, I ran off and barfed for that.

But there was, there was only one time where I had to run and shit in the bathroom where a rat jumped on Neil Campbell's shoulder.

It was a horrible,

like there's people like doing like crazy eights and like warm up, like improv warm-ups, and you're like, excuse me,

sorry, guys.

And it's like, and just like you can hear everything in the fucking bathroom.

Yes, it fucking sucks.

It was horrible.

Yeah, I was shitting in that bathroom once, and there was like an improv team like warming up outside.

And I was just, I'm just like, and they're like,

you know, it's like the loudest, like, fucking farts.

But I'm also like, whatever, they're just, they're, they're minding their own business.

And then I hear one of them say, like, all right, your suggestion is echo fart.

That sucks.

Echo fart.

your suggestion is he's been there long enough, he might also be beating off.

Oh, you know he was.

I was done before they got through the crazy eight.

One, two, three, four, five.

All right.

Are you using them counting you down?

I wanted to say you told the story beforehand that was really, is that you did Julian Elleman's podcast.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he and he gave me the football.

Yes, he threw a trick play on the Ravens.

I was at that game.

Which is so funny.

Yeah, so annoying.

I hate the fucking Patriots.

They're a piece of shit organization.

It sucks, dick, that Drake Mace seems like he's good.

He is.

He seems like he's good.

He pisses me the fuck off.

Kraft is such a dip shit.

That's been like, you know.

Kraft is nice.

No, no, Kraft sucks.

No, no, I mean, no, for my, for my, what I'm saying is it's good that he's a piece of shit.

It's nice that Belichick is, I said on his podcast, but he's become Robert De Niro's character from Bad Grandpa.

It's cool that he's fucking a 24-year-old.

That's nuts, dude.

He's like, she wasn't alive.

When did he win the first Super Bowl?

Is she alive?

No, I don't think she was alive.

No.

That's

2000.

Yeah, 2001.

So

that's cool.

Brady's like.

He might have been a sperm, possibly, at that point.

Yeah, that's true.

Fucking fine-looking sperm, sure.

Like a curvy-ass sperm.

Yeah, Yeah, does that make you gay or a pedophile to be attracted to sperm?

It's one or the other.

I'm not sure which one.

We're like, that's a sexy sperm.

Got it the age-old question with a doughboys, honestly.

No one really knows what our deal is.

Just fucking under a microscope, you're like, God damn,

that thing's got a nice tail on it.

But yes, I went to Edelman's podcast and he is the one guy from the Patriots that you can root for because he was a journeyman, like, you know, worked his way up, became Super Bowl MVP.

Like, that is an inspiring story for people that, like, you know, like, I, you know, we somehow have careers in entertainment.

None of us should have that.

You know what I mean?

It's like being just fattish shit.

Like, this is not what

actors look like.

Like, me and Mitch are both good in fucking TV shows.

That makes no sense.

You know what I mean?

Like, so like, I like seeing a guy who had no business winning Super Bowl MVP, just like a slot receiver.

Like, that's cool.

Edelman's a cool story.

And so I like.

I got that Super Bowl

and we bet that he was going to win MVP.

And it like paid for almost all the trip.

It was fucking odd.

It was.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

What kind of odds did you get?

Do you remember?

The odds were like, it was great.

Wu-Tang, I was with Wu-Tang, so of course a bet was placed.

And then

Chankton, and we went Edelman.

And I loved that.

I mean, it was like people thought that Super Bowl sucked, but I was having a great time.

It was like where we won like nine to three or whatever that Super Bowl was.

Yeah, yeah, he seems like a great guy, but he was fucking awesome, but yes, he handed me this fucking ball that he threw a touchdown on the race.

Like I was holding the actual ball, not like it was the fucking thing that, and in that split second, he's this nice guy who put me on his podcast, famous athlete, millionaire.

I'm in his beautiful home.

In that second, I just wanted to be like, fuck, like, I was like, I want to stab this with a knife.

Like, you just become a stupid townie.

Fuck you.

Don't give me this fucking shit.

Like, in that moment, I just wanted to, I was like, I made a joke about like, if I had an incinerator, I would throw this in here.

I was so, I was like, I literally was like, you have to take this from me.

I couldn't, I could not handle it.

But that, and that's what I love about sports.

So it just taps into that fucking idiot part of your brain where it's purely tribal.

It's like Baltimore, good.

Pittsburgh, bad.

Like, Baltimore and Pittsburgh have a rivalry exact same place.

Oh, they're very similar.

They're been to fucking Pittsburgh.

It's just like a place that industry has forgotten yeah that like is kind of archie kind of cool but it's like but when football happens it's like fuck them dude yeah i would fucking kill that guy i would stab a guy in the heat of the moment you know what i mean like if it really if it's like a real like stab this guy we win the super bowl there would be like four seconds where i would do it you know what i mean like hopefully i don't have a knife and that's not available to me but like that's how much that's how much it works you up into like a stupid lather well like so i you know i grew up in socal i've been a laker fan my whole life, and like, it's just like, like, Mitch's Patriots, just an evil team you're rooting for that gets everything handed to them.

Uh, of course, this season, we get the Luca Donches train.

Unbelievable.

And for me, like, but I just, again, it's just like the sports brain of like the pendulum swings from, because he's on the Mavericks.

I was like, this fucking guy.

And he's on the Lakers.

Like, I love him.

Yeah, yeah.

My fellow chubby Eastern European.

You know, like, I love him.

You know, he's like, he just becomes your guy instantly.

Of course.

And it has, they just changed shirts they're wearing, you know?

Luca is the man, though.

I do love a few.

He's incredible.

Anybody who's kind of, who's a a little too fat, who's like, is so good, but he's like, I refuse to get less fat.

I'm a professional athlete.

I refuse to stop drinking beers.

Yes.

Suck my dick.

What are you going to do?

Trade me?

And they did.

It's pretty funny.

That is also pretty funny to see a dumb Eastern European get his come-up ins because it is like, he should probably, you know, lose a little, you know what I mean?

Like, you're a fucking athlete, whatever.

But it's like, it is funny to see somebody get their bluff called.

But then the Mavericks are so fucking fucked up.

Shout out to him, though.

And shout out to Hardy for the same reason.

I love that he was, he never reached his potential because he was getting fucked up and going to strip clubs.

Yes.

That's cool.

That's why sports is about.

It's not about.

If you're a guy who cares about championships, you're just a sports nerd.

Like,

sports nerds.

Maybe there's too many sports nerds.

Too many sports nerds.

The coolest guys do a little crime.

Nothing crazy.

You know what I mean?

Nothing too fucked up.

A little crime.

Little fucking go to strip clubs.

Like have, you know, just crazy jewelry.

Like, you got to be cool, dude.

That's the whole point.

You just want to be like a dork?

No, thanks.

The Celtics team is very.

No aura.

No aura.

Zero vibes emanating off them.

They're fucking dorks, dude.

I love them.

They are dorky, but I do love them.

Yeah, it would be nice if we had a crazy guy in there.

We need a crazy guy.

Somebody fun.

Crazy guy, yeah.

But yeah, that's Tatum.

Tatum is so.

He's the classic boring but good guy.

Right.

Yeah.

No, no vibes whatsoever, which is good.

It's not a nice thing.

But is it more good to have a Tim Duncan?

You know what I mean?

Tim Duncan was a boring but good guy.

You know what I mean?

Like

those guys were secretly fucking each other's wives, though the spurs now we're talking yeah barry uh somebody cucked barry there was a yeah there's a whole thing i believe it was uh tony parker the point guard yeah cucked uh whichever barry brother was on yeah i don't remember which barry brother it was but that's so they were up to imagine if he was a doughboys host

eating it up right now

but no you're right though

i do like i you know a little a little boring it's probably worth it but you know i was i was i was i was genuinely rooting for the ravens this year man the ravens and bills i felt bad for the bills at that point too of course it had to be one of us and of course it wasn't but yeah at least the chiefs didn't win i guess yes i know i was happy about that and shout out i do like philly because it is again a kind of a cousin of that yeah mid-atlantic trash we have a lot in common hey it goes up to boston too we're pieces of yeah yeah

it definitely does there is a kitchen there and i it was one of those things where i went to boston fully ready to be like fuck boston this place sucks always have a great time love the roast beef Shout out to Kelly's.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I used to open for Bobby Kelly.

They took me my first Rode weekend.

I had Kelly's Roast Beef.

Oh, wow.

So it's like very special to me of like, wow, I'm a real comedian.

I was like living in Baltimore and he took me with him to Boston.

I fucking went.

And

it was a great weekend.

This guy fucking didn't give a shit about Kelly's roast.

We didn't have a great experience at Kelly's Roast Beef.

You guys were just sick of the city already because it was the first stop we made.

We were right from the airport, I thought.

I had a great time at D'Angelo.

I like the food of Boston.

I've actually, and similar to you, it's like, it would be better for the podcast if I went to Boston.

And it was like, Boston sucks.

But

my visits I've been to Boston is like, it's a beautiful city.

It's very walkable.

Love the choo-choo, love the train there.

I love the public transit.

And it's a great food city.

So it's like, it's like, yeah, I don't know.

Great Chinese.

Great Chinese city.

Yeah, yeah.

We're going to do Chinatown next time.

You're back.

Oh, yeah.

You're back there.

You got it.

Which is going to be the summer.

Hey, well, there we go.

I was saying the story beforehand, which I don't know if I've ever told on the show, but I did a bit with Brady, which is behind, and I was saying I was like a behind-the-scenes guy and was in between his takes.

I was like, You got to shoot with this fat guy.

Like, I did a bit where I like showed my belly button, and it like I literally stunk.

He talks about it in the video.

He's like, Oh, it stinks.

You can smell my fucking belly button.

Damn, that's a tough one.

It was fucking

specific scent.

You don't get a lot of places either.

The depths of a fat guy's belly button, that's brutal.

And that was the crazy thing: is like, I was like, Man, this guy, like, he plays with big fat winemen,

and my my belly button was like particularly stinky to him yeah but he uh he he he like was like annoyed with me and then he threw me a pass and i caught it and i pretended to the football and then the rest of the day he was just like bitch he

he loved me after that wise brady loved me and i still love yeah i still love that guy is probably as annoying as you think he is of course yeah yeah yeah but see here's the thing i like brady though because he's paid his debts his life is ruined now you know what i mean he's lost his family he's trying to be a broadcaster and it's not going to work.

He's bad at it.

And it's like, I like seeing The Last Dance because Jordan was not happy.

No.

You know what I mean?

And it's like, that's the lesson.

It's like, those guys have bad lives.

You can achieve it, but it's like you're trading all your happiness in that little zone.

So it's like, you know what?

Brady had it, but I probably have a, I'm probably happier than Tom Brady right now, which is hilarious to think about.

It is, there's a huge possibility.

He can't eat anything.

Totally.

And that already, to me, is like, what's it, what the fuck is it worth?

Yeah.

Basically.

So talking about you're on a tour bus and you were talking to us a little bit before.

You have a griddle.

Got a griddle going.

And

what's your go-to me?

You said steaks and asparagus.

Yeah, so on the bus,

I'll go to fucking Costco and we'll get canned beans and we'll get like pre-made sirloin stuff.

I also have crab meat from like just some Baltimore.

It is hilarious to be this.

But it's the macros are good, bro.

A lot of protein, you know?

I'm trying to be a macros guy.

And so I will just have the weirdest like hobo train meals for real, where it's like sardines, like microwaved rice.

Yeah.

I think on the second half, we're going to get a rice cooker.

Oh, that's.

I think we're going to up it.

I think I'm going to get a little air fryer.

I think I'm going to go fucking crazy.

I love it.

I got a, I got a Zojirushi rice.

Zojirushi.

Zoja Rushi.

That's some good shit.

It's great.

I love it.

The Neuro Fuzzy.

Yes, the Neurofuzzy.

I'm a big Zoji Rushi guy.

I love it.

A little fucking microchip in that motherfucker that...

So it senses the, even if you fuck the water up, it like, it's like, fuck, that's the kind of AI you can get behind.

He's made myself a little bit more.

Now that you talk about this microchip,

no, I mean, because we have like a rice cooker that we've had for like 20 years, and it's just like a very standard thing.

But I mean, it gets the job done.

I mean, it's like it's one of the best, you know, kind of kitchen appliances you can have is a rice cooker, very functional.

But yeah, I've never thought about like investing in like a super fancy one.

It's awesome, dude.

It plays a little tune.

It's plays a little bit.

It's when it's done.

Yeah.

It is twinkle, twinkle a little scarf.

It's twinkle twinkle as a star, but it's good.

And you throw a little, you put a little garlic a little coconut oil in there.

100%.

I've been using broths.

I cook it with brothers.

I love that, dude.

So when you're, so, all right, you're on the bus here.

Is the bus moving while you're cooking?

I mean, I've done that.

Or I've like, I've

like heated shit up that I've cooked.

And it's like, you're, it is moving, but most of the time it's just parked.

You're usually, you're most of the time.

Are you always with the bus driver?

He's the man, yeah.

Shout out to my guy, Thomas.

I don't know him.

I told you you got it.

It was the Tracy Morgan bus drive you got for cheap, right?

Yeah, I got him.

I got him.

We keep tailing Walmart trucks.

I'm trying to find that.

That's kind of his thing.

He flew.

He was a little too close.

He got a little Icarus mode on that last one.

A little too close to the sun.

If we could just get a little, you know, if they bump us, we're looking at a couple million.

I don't need to be in a fucking, I don't need to be in a coma, but I could put on a fucking neck brace for a little bit, get some of that Walton money.

I was in Arkansas, the home of

Walmart.

I was like in in the Walmart, and there was like a ton of Walmarts everywhere.

Yeah, sure.

And it was like a little town, Bentonville.

And it basically was like the Walmart people built a town.

It's very much like

what's it called?

The Americana or something.

Walmart's still the biggest employer in a lot of states.

It's one of those you look at a map now of biggest employers and it's all just like Walmart or Amazon.

And it's just like, you know, the country's just basically cleaved into, which is, you know, kind of where we're at.

But I do want to, I mean, it's true.

It sucks.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

Their

go back to Baltimore a little bit because

obviously, you know, crab, I think, is what everybody thinks of, but I know the food scene is a lot more than that.

Like, what are

the foods that make you think of home?

Yeah, I mean, I would say if we're going to keep it kind of Doughboys focused and think about our chains and stuff,

we, my sort of the regional one that I love is Royal Farms.

chicken oh gas station oh really i've never even heard of this royal farms rofo uh truly like just incredible.

It's incredible gas station fried chicken.

And it's like their sides are what it's one of those places where it's like, you know, the sides are fine.

Yeah, sure.

Western fries, whatever.

But it's like, it's so good that it's like sort of become, they've just opened more and more of them that are almost just restaurants now.

Like, you know, that's a great one that's just, that is kind of regional.

And it's maybe we're expanding a little bit to like, you know, up the mid-Atlantic or whatever.

But, you know, we have, we have our own version of the like roast beef where we have, you know, pit beef that Baltimore has.

There's a couple of great places.

But yeah, I mean, in terms of like Baltimore-specific stuff,

it wasn't anything, you know, obviously crab stuff.

I grew up, the truth is I'm a first-generation immigrant.

My parents came here in the early 80s.

And when they moved here, Greek town in Baltimore was like a, it was a really Greek community.

Sure.

And they were pretty insular.

Like, my parents, like...

My dad to this day doesn't speak good English.

Yeah.

Like he just, unless you're talking to him about like lumber, he's a carpenter.

Unless you're talking about like wood, he has no idea what the fuck you're talking about mostly.

And so we didn't have anything but like Greek food, pizza, and like Chinese.

I didn't have anything until I was like,

you know, like I didn't have tacos till I was like 16.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, and then we got the weird little fucked up

like, you know, store bought ground beef tacos and stuff like that.

So it was really like I grew up on Greek food.

My mom was a waitress at a Greek restaurant.

And then we would get Popeyes fried chicken.

We were a big fried chicken family.

Oh, yeah.

I love it.

And then, you know, the classic McDonald's, that kind of stuff.

But just like regional stuff that I miss, nothing that crazy.

It's truly like seafood crab stuff.

But you can get pretty much everything now.

We're all like, we have more food than emperors

of antiquity.

Like we live so good, it's crazy.

What are your favorite Greek dishes?

I like the grilled version of Greek stuff.

I mean, the home cooked stuff, like a mousaka or like a pasticho, that kind of stuff, that's fine.

But like, throw me some lamb chops on a grill, throw me some fried calamari.

It's like whatever you, the meal you get, the quintessential Greek dining experience for me is you're on vacation, you're on an island, you're on a beach, and every beach in Greece I've ever been to just has a restaurant, and they all have the exact menu, same menu, and it's like fried.

You get calamari, you get some fresh seafood, whatever's fresh, you get, you get some lamb chops, you get some zadziki, a Greek salad.

It's just simple shit.

It's grilled, grilled meats and like some fresh vegetables that actually taste good.

Pretty good.

It's among my favorite foods.

We talk about it.

Yeah, Mediterranean food generally, certainly.

I love it.

We were going to ask you to do some sort of Greek food, and then we thought it maybe would be offensive.

No, no, no, no, I would have done it.

I actually, I do have a blind spot about LA Greek food because I do have like East Coast bias where I'm like,

I just, anytime I'm not on the East Coast, I'm like, the food, Greek food sucks, dick.

Just automatically.

And I know there's a couple places where people keep telling me you got to try them.

There's a couple good spots.

Yeah, so I like Papa Christmas everybody talks about.

I do feel like I'm being disrespectful of Papa Cristo not doing it.

And so maybe I would, I would, you know, I'd be open to, I got to try it out.

But no, I'm, I'm down to do whatever.

There's a lot of generally good Mediterranean food in LA just because there's like a large Armenian population.

There's a lot of Persian population.

So, you know, the kebab game is out of control.

Yeah.

The kebab game is good.

There was a place called Greekmen's.

Actually, it still exists.

Greekmen's.

Because it was, it was, it was the Jewish deli, and I forget the name of it.

And the Greek guy just took it?

He was like, Dibbs.

It's not Fleischman's anymore.

It's Greekman's.

Friendmans?

That's what it was.

It was Fleischmann's.

It was something like that, yes.

I was trying to think of what the name was.

I mean, I might not be.

I was like, here's the one problem with this place.

Yeah.

Too many Jews.

It's like the place in, I think it was Carson near where I grew up.

Friedman's.

Friedman's, okay.

Friedman's.

And then it became Greekman's.

make a hilarious Greek person move to be like, we'll just take it over.

I think they were like, I think the owners are still the owners.

They were just like, we're going to be Greek now.

They just got rid of it.

That's actually hilarious.

There's a

place.

There's a place I think in Carson, California, near where I grew up that was a taco bell.

And it was like the old school mission-style taco bell that had the bell and then it closed and then it reopened as Ty Bell.

You gotta love it.

Yeah, I love it.

They can keep two of the letters.

The H is just squeezing.

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All right, we're talking about a big burger chain today.

Like, what are your burger preferences, like, generally?

Yeah, I'm a, I, I like a,

I'm a, I'm a, I'm not a big fast food burger guy, honestly, because from, again, little weird childhood quirks, my family was just, my mom was so scared of mad cow disease growing up.

And I think I'm right at the, I'm right at the age, like, you know, I'm, I'm 36.

I think like, I remember the first time I heard about Jack in the Box was when they had that scare.

You would have been, you would have, you would have been a kid, you know, like the age of the, you know, like when that was hitting when

the E.

coli scare in the Pacific Northwest that actually like killed some people.

It was like, you know, and that was like fast food was like at its least safe and at least policed at that point.

Although I will say, as a fat child, hearing about a new fast food, even though it was killing people, I was like, I got to get jackets on.

It was not available to me.

But that was, I remember being in third grade, hearing this news story, and my mom's like point being, stay away from fast food.

Me being like, you're telling me there's a whole other type of fast food that you haven't even fucking told me about.

There's more than McDonald's.

But so because of that, we would go to mcdonald's but my mom was like no beef like she was always like you cannot shoot you know we would get chicken so i've nuggets most of my life was nuggets you know spicy spicy chicken sandwiches that kind of shit so it took me a while it took me to being like such a degenerate poor stoner who's like you know 20 open micer with no real job who wanted meat to be like high enough one day to be like fuck it let's go to get burgers at mcdonald's like i never had a big mac growing up i never had like and and then even after that because i came from burgers from a like uh much more of i would say backyard burger yes

where it's like give me some fucking meat give me like a some charred meat and and like pretty i don't want too many fixins on it um and then i became a bacon cheeseburger guy because it's like then you're like all right i'm if i'm crafting my own shit i'm gonna make it with good stuff so i was always a little even then i would be like pretty skeptical of a fast food burger because i would like you know I guess five guys was when I was what kind of

it felt like the bridge to McDonald's burgers and Burger King burgers for me because I would make my own shit.

And then it was like five guys came around.

I was like, all right, this is pretty good.

This feels like you can customize.

And then once the Rubicon had been crossed, then I was all into, I'll try any fucking weird burger.

And I was excited about today because I had never had the chain that we did.

Oh, shit.

I had never had it.

And it was so funny because

I emailed you guys.

I was like, yeah, I'm trying to be healthy.

And I immediately sent me like good, healthy options.

And then at the end, it was like Hardy's.

I'm like,

wow.

I mean, I'm on fucking dough, boys.

I can't do, I can't have fucking cold brew.

I can't have, I can't have moon bowls or fucking, you know, or tea.

We love the choice.

I mean, it's been a while.

It's been a while since we've been.

We haven't talked about Carls Jr.

slash Hardys, which is one company under two brands since 2018, I believe, with our friend Atlanta Johnston.

That feels cool.

So you've never had it.

Never had it.

First time.

Emma, you've also never had Carl's Jr.

What the fuck's going on here?

I know.

And I said that in the group chat yesterday.

Mitch literally said, what the fuck?

And I was like, okay, then I guess I got to get a burger.

Also, I've forgotten since yesterday.

So

I still got mad.

I probably, that's partially why I was like, well, I got to get a burger.

Starboards never had it.

I've never had it.

Let's go.

We'll see if you remember this.

Also, Evan Susser, also from Maryland, had never had Carl's Jr.

Wait, was it a real?

What?

Yeah.

Is that real?

It's true.

I also don't remember it.

You gave him a bunch of shit in in the group chat.

I don't believe that.

You bullied him in the group chat.

You remember that?

I don't believe that.

It's just bullies in his sleep now.

My sleep pad mask on.

My sleep pad mask is working.

Yeah, dude.

You're getting that good rem, dude.

I had a dream about Irma.

I had a dream about the cats last night.

And then there were three more cats that I saved, which obviously you guys have said that I have issues with the cats.

You know what?

Tony Soprano with the cats.

It is kind of

similar to that.

And I woke up oddly with an erection.

Which is, I think, just my body is like, I think there's oxygen going to my dick for the first time in forever.

My dick was like,

my dick was blue, and now it's like getting, there's oxygen molecules going to my actual penis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I like, so I wake up with, I wake up with a morning wood, as men will say.

And I haven't.

I was thinking about cats.

Yeah.

Oddly, I was thinking about cats, but that was not the,

there was no crossover there.

I wasn't There was no fucking IMES cat food on your chest.

You need to dig as hard.

You're like, what was I doing last night?

I think we have almost every color of the rainbow genitals fucking about.

We're close.

We need a purple.

We need Roy G.

Biv.

Let's get them all, dude.

Let's get some indigo nuts.

We will go grimace.

Grimmis, Grimmost.

What are you?

Also, we'll grimacies, Dick.

How do you guys do?

What is your burger?

Like, general, what's your platonic ideal?

Well, first of all, that mad cow meat, I've heard people like, they can't stop chasing it.

The people who had it back in the day, it's like,

I hear it's like, that's like,

it's the good shit if you get the mad cow shit.

We have talked about this before.

Like, I read an article about people eating human flesh to survive, and they've all said, like,

it's the sweetest meat I've ever had, and I will never, like, taste anything like it again.

It's a long pig, right?

They call it.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I, I mean, if we're ever on the road together up in like the mountains, I'm going to be, you're going to fucking take it off the road intentionally.

Just crash.

It was like two inches of snow.

Go to town immediately.

I now remember the susser thing, and he was full of shit.

He's had fucking Carlos Jr.

before.

I now remember this.

Okay.

He was like, I never had it either.

I was like, you never had Carls Jr.

You needed a smile.

He was just trying to get a free burger.

Yeah, he wanted a free burger.

And then it canceled.

I figured that's what he was doing.

He canceled this morning.

He was like, I'm not going to make it in.

He texted at 6 a.m.

So I woke up hilariously.

He was just thinking about

the equivalent of cat fucking cats to you.

He was thinking of a Hardy's burger at 6 a.m.

His dick is hard thinking about a Western cheeseburger.

I will say that's cute, though, because it's funny to, it's almost like a married couple that still flirts.

Yeah.

It's Susser pretending he needs.

a reason to get to steal food from you guys.

Like that seems to be his go-to move.

So I kind of, you know, as a fan of the show, it's nice.

He's still putting in some effort, being like, well, I've never even had it.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's kind of cute.

He's being like demure about it.

It was, I was shocked that he canceled it.

And then he did.

He didn't show up.

He showed up.

He showed up when it was like, oh, we didn't get your burger.

You could just have one of these burgers.

He was kind of annoying.

But whatever.

To answer your question about burger preferences in general.

So

I grew up in Southern California.

I've never left.

And so I have a lot of affection for an In-N-Out burger, that style of of burger.

There actually is an In-N-Out burger simulacrum, which I think is called the California burger they do at Carl's Jr.

Hart.

I did see that it felt cheap because I've also only had In-N-Out once, and I was so stoned out of my mind.

It was like when a friend had road tripped here.

So I felt like I wanted to actually, if I ever have it again, which I will, I didn't want to do like the cheap knockoff, but it felt like that to me.

I'm used to people saying like In-N-Out Burger doesn't live up to the hype, which I'm also, I've made peace with, which is fine.

Like, cause it's also like...

I'm just doing it to annoy you back.

Yeah, but I grew up with it so of course i have nostalgia for it you know what my take was my take was that carl's jr is better than in and out that's like when i first got here i was like hey like like you as a young boy yes yeah it was jack in the box and then carl's jr i was like what's this carls jr and then late night getting carls jr was for sure great and and i so but also because i grew up here we had carls jr and there was the carl's jr i think was actually the the closest like fast food restaurant I could walk to from our from our childhood home in Lakewood, California.

I get all the time with my older brother.

I loved it.

I thought the Western Bacon Cheeseburger was like my favorite fast food burger.

What was that?

Alpha's order.

What did he get?

He'd get, you know what he'd do a lot is the fried zucchinis, which I got, which he got me into.

So they had fried zucchini back in the day.

Yeah, they had that forever.

So that's like a longtime staple of the menu.

Fascinating.

But I always thought, and it's not on the same level anymore, but there was a time when I was kind of like, oh, Carl's Jr.

is kind of akin to a Wendy's.

It's like a step above like a McDonald's or Burger King.

It's like a little bit nicer.

And then obviously they swung the pendulum in the other direction.

And now it's like trying to be like a trash year.

It's trying to be like a jack in the box, honestly, just having this over-the-top kind of stoner food.

I feel like it's done.

Well, I think this about

Carls Jr.

is that.

I remember Gabris is like, we were talking about,

we weren't doing drugs, but I was like, I haven't done drugs in forever.

He's like, yeah, there's not a lot of like obese 40-year-olds that do Coke dudes that die.

And when I think about Carls Jr., I'm like, there's not a lot of like, there's not a lot of 40-year-old dudes who get late nights.

like Carl's Jr.

is like a 20 like a 20 something year olds game it feels like it feels like a young man's burger and I like I'm like if I was doing like a Carls Jr burger like you know like one night a week like I used to I feel like I would I feel like I would die probably and that's like it just is these big fucking sloppy burgers but anytime I have them I'm like they're fucking they are really good the burgers are the just the it's that it's that bk thing wages where i don't know if it's just fake smoke or whatever yeah but it like that that the flame grilled burger I'm spitting all over the place just thinking about the burger I'm sorry

and I felt fucking sick I got the fat guy shot I felt so sick today and I still powered through I've about 75% of that burger I took down but it was but the that the just that and and and I think it goes back to the thing you're saying of like a backyard burger on the grill and and and Carlos Jr.

just has that fucking taste to it for a big fast food shitty burger and I and I kind of love it I feel like for sure yeah it I agree with you that it has like that little smoky and i will say like overall i just think maybe it's just because of being a kid who never got them but it does feel fucked up to me to eat ground beef from one of these places yeah fundamentally you know what i mean like i think it's much safer to stick with something that's like been frozen and then uh revived in a deep fryer like like a like a fried chicken or fried fish i think that's a that's a safer bet at one of these places for sure um because yeah a lot of them are just whatever they're not paying their employees enough.

And there's all sorts of reasons why it might be.

It's just going crazy.

I mean, because I think

we're in the holy months.

Sure, yeah, yeah, sure.

She's just going nuts.

That was

at Tam O'Shanter.

A lady came up to me.

She's like,

were you in the show Love on Netflix?

And I was like, yeah.

And she was like, and do you go to Holy Trinity of the Cross?

And I was like, yeah, I sometimes go to, I sometimes, were you guys there?

I think you watched the whole thing.

And I was kind of embarrassed.

Yeah, 1A, 1B credits.

Sad that I'm like a fucking,

I'm like the, whatever, the Walmart version of Chris Pratt or fucking Paul Walter Hauser.

That is funny.

Yeah, those guys did get into fucking God, huh?

Yeah.

That's funny.

That's such a wild, hilarious move.

It is funny.

And be like, I love God.

I love God so fucking much, man.

I got all the cool shit in the world happening to me, and now I like God.

It's like, well, yeah, it's easy now, motherfucker.

You're fucking rich.

Oh, you cheated on your wife, and now you found God.

I don't know if that happened to Chris Pratt.

I know you are with him, but like, that feels like that kind of move.

It's like you finally get pussy, and you're like, God took me.

God, thank you for saving me from all this cool shit I finally have access to.

God, God, thank you for taking me away from that ice-cold snatch.

Finally get that hot snash

from that feline temptress in my dreams.

Carl's Jr.

and Hardy's, it's the same menu nationwide.

They merged in 1997, and they have the same iconography, the same star mascot, which was a Carl's Jr.

mascot, but the names are different depending on if you're west of the Rockies or east of the Rockies.

Basically, actually, I was looking for this map and I brought it up here.

This is a map of the, like the Mason-Dixon line, the Carls Jr.

Hardy's meridian, where you can see which parts of the country are Carl's Jr., which parts are Hardy's.

And then also

the no-go zone in the Northeast.

Almost like a Civil War map, basically.

You'll get Texas out of there, but we're pretty close.

It's a chain I used to go to a lot growing up,

but it is now under the Rourke Capital Corporate Umbrella, which also Rourke Capital also owns Subway and then owns Inspire Brands.

Inspire Brands, another umbrella company that owns Arby's, Duncan, Buffalo Wild Wings, Jimmy Johns, and Sonic Drive-In.

So that's all one company.

We love Inspire Brands.

We love Rorgan.

We love

anytime that many companies are under one umbrella, you know it's good shit.

You know the quality is going to go up, and they're really going to care about their core mission first and foremost.

There's a private equity firm named for a character from an Ayn Rand novel.

We're a huge fan.

Carls Jr., founded by Carl Karcher in 1956 in Anaheim, California.

Hardy's was founded by Wilbur Hardy in 1960 in Rocky Mountain, North Carolina.

As I mentioned, they did merge and become one company.

I got to read that fountain head.

So I read it.

It's been my one book challenge for the year.

I read fountainheads.

I've read a couple of Ayn Rand when I was like a teenager, and they're so boring.

I read Anthem and

it might have been the fountainhead, but it might also have been Atlas Shrugged, whatever one of the big ones.

The fountain head about.

Is there some sort of fountain in it or something like that?

Or no?

Atlas Shrugged is about an architect.

Maybe that's the one I've read.

Okay.

Architect.

Yeah.

whatever stuff yeah it's ribboning

i'm not reading any fucking books

definitely not by some dumb bitch

i'll read a cool book but the fuck i'm gonna read eye on yeah exactly

all right so they had a limited time offering which was actually stopped being available yesterday yesterday was the last day that you could get alex earl's hangover burger so unfortunately i was not not able to get that.

Yeah, yeah.

But I did get something that I've never gotten on the podcast and that I rarely get at Carl's Jr.

But I was like, you know what?

If we're ever viewing this place, I should talk about the baseline burger, their default burger, which is their famous star, Mitch.

Basically, their equivalent of a Whopper or a Big Mac or I guess quarter pound.

I'm happy that we didn't have to get the Alex Earl burger.

I have no idea who the fuck Alex Earl is.

I don't know what it is.

It made me feel old.

And it looked weird, too.

It had too much shit in it.

It's Ungapachka.

It's got bacon, egg, melted cheese, and then hash browns on it.

So it's just too much going on.

That's the idea, yeah.

You definitely don't want that from a fast food panel.

No, you don't want an egg burger from, though, I will say,

Carl's Jr.

Hardy, do the specialized burgers there are pretty good.

And the Philly cheesesteak burger is the one that I was like, this burger is going to suck.

And then I had the Philly cheesesteak burger back in the day, and it made me like Carl's Jr.

more than In-N-Out.

That opinion has shifted.

I think I like In-N-Out more than Carl's Jr.

now.

I mean, I do.

But all those specialized burgers, including including the jalapeno burger, which is gone for some reason, are great.

Yeah, I totally agree.

And so the famous star is just American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, sliced onions, dill pickles, and special sauce and mayo and seeded bun.

Very conventional, conventional, straight-ahead burg, but got the job done.

I considered that for the same reason as like, let's just get the baseline.

I basically did that with, I think I added bacon, or no, actually, the Western, because that also seemed like what you got to do.

That's a great order for me.

I feel like that's like their signature, like one of their signature burgers and that was certainly the one that i had as a kid that kind of like opened my mind to what a burger could be for sure me too oh wow and i don't think it was from there someone else must it might have been burger king maybe that had a similar ripoff of like yeah of onion rings wester i was never we were never a big barbecue sauce family not a greek thing at all like but somewhere it might have been it must have been burger king that style of burger was introduced to me and then it was ripped for me i've never could get it back again i don't remember what the happened well so so the rodeo burger, I believe, was introduced with, was it Small Soldiers?

That's right, yes.

That's fucking what it was, dude.

Small Soldier.

You're absolutely, that's 100% what it was.

It was the rodeo burger.

Yeah, it was an LTL that stuck around for the long haul, but it was.

Yeah, I know stuff like that.

I don't know,

On Rand or whatever the fuck her name is, but I know, I know.

That's better knowledge.

It's a better thing to have in your brand.

Probably came out in 1997 during this merger.

Stop, you got the double western cheeseburger.

The Western cheeseburger has bacon, onion rings, and barbecue sauce as well as cheese.

You added mayo, and you didn't get barbecue sauce on the sandwich, but got it on the side.

On the side, yes.

And then, Mitch, you got, we're just starting with Berg.

So we got the double big Carl.

You got the double big Carl and a single El Diablo burger, which is, I guess, their, their replay, their, their replacement for the jalapeno burger.

It's just a special right now.

It's just a special.

Their big Carl is like their Big Mac.

And I guess this is part of the thing that Carl's Jr.

does.

They just rip off other people's burgers and just brand them as their own.

But I actually like the Big Carl.

I love the Big Carl.

It came out like 10 years ago or so, maybe, maybe a little longer than that now, 15 years ago, maybe.

But that was one of the, we'd have parties at the birthday boys' house, and then there's a Carls Jr.

right down the hill.

And we would go over there and just fucking pick out late at night.

And it was, it was, it's great.

And that, that, but when the big Carl came around, I was like, oh, it's like a Big Mac, but it's like bigger and like a big, fucking messy Big Mac.

And I, and I, I still love it.

I got one today.

I got the double big, like you said, and I added pickles and white onions to make it more like a Big Mac, basically.

And it's fucking, it's really good.

How good were those walks down the hill to a fucking Carl's Jr.?

You know what I mean?

Like, no, oh, yeah.

The up the hill, that's

for future Mitch.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, just being drunk as fuck going to a fucking, just the glee I used to felt because that's in Baltimore.

That was the same thing.

I lived up a hill.

Yeah.

Walking down to get fucked up was awesome.

Oh, it's awesome going down a hill.

Yeah, yeah.

That's Ithaca.

The college I went to, Ithaca is just you go down a hill and then you're like, fuck.

they should have ski lifts back.

They should, they truly should.

So many college kids just falling off of and dying every year, which is probably a good thing for the world, I'm guessing.

But I uh

we always walked down, we never drove down that short distance in my car.

Yeah, that never happened.

That never, ever happened.

Oh, yeah, I forgot nobody walks here.

Yeah,

I do not condone drinking and driving.

A Carl's Jr., a Carl's Jr.

drive-through line is probably like,

if you breathalize the Carl's Jr.

drive-through line.

Oh, sure.

I bet you anything there's been some drinks.

No, that Carl's Jr.'s are, and I assume Hardy's is the same, are popping late at night.

I mean, there's just like, like, it is a, it is a place, I mean, they tend to be open 24 hours or at least till like, you know, last call.

And so, yeah, those, those drive-through lines are pretty cloggy.

There's hungover.

I remember driving on Thanksgiving morning, waking up at the birthday boys' house, hungover, and driving into that Carl's Jr.

on Thanksgiving Day.

And it was within the hours that they were open because that's the other thing, too.

They were just were open all the time.

Yeah.

And just feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.

But

this, this feels like when I, this is sad.

When people like reflect on college, I'm thinking of like my Carl's Jr.

days.

But that's, that is that, like back in the day.

Those are real, though, dude.

Those days are real.

These are real.

And I miss them too, honestly.

I do.

I miss my McDonald's.

I had McDonald's days because there was, because I, when I was in Baltimore and I would drive to DC to do open mics, and there was a McDonald's right on the highway when you left Baltimore, and one right on the highway when you left DC.

And if I made it home, from it was always like, all right, do I have enough willpower to not get McDonald's at DC?

And if I did, there's no way I had to.

Then 45 minutes later,

I was 100% just pulling into that fucking McDonald's.

Like, just fully eating.

I live with my parents, just getting a 20-piece and, like, not even putting it in park, but like, eating it with your foot on the brake.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, my shit is in drives.

You know, like, I just, and like, the more elaborate and fucked up those orders got, where it got to the point where you're like, having two bags, you're like, what the fuck am I doing?

You know, like, when I, when I, when I see the level of bad I'm at, it's my McDonald's order.

It will be a Big Mac and then a McChicken.

And then what I'm like not doing well is like also a double cheeseburger.

Like there's like extra things that create.

When you start being like, well, okay, I'm not getting fries, so I'm getting nuggets.

Chicken breast is healthier than potato.

When you start doing that kind of like fat math and being like, wow, what is that?

A McFlurry is basically yogurt.

You know what I mean?

If I don't get fucking too many fix-ins, it's not a big deal.

I'm only going to eat half.

Like, you start doing all this shit.

Fat guy, a beautiful mind.

The fucking equations going around is so awesome, dude.

Or when you're doing the multiple place order,

that's tough stuff.

When you have two different

delivery guys meeting and just praying they don't show up at the same time.

Like, that's that's tough.

Me and Gabris have a lot to talk about.

Yeah, we should.

We just want to add you to the text chain.

Absolutely.

There is a fat guy text chain that Waggers get me in there.

We haven't allowed Wags on it.

That's fine.

It's me, Gabris.

I don't think you're fat enough, Wag.

I've been doing a little better this year.

I'm feeling pretty good.

But yeah, I've been, it's,

it's very easy for me to backslide, is the thing.

And it's just like, it's, I, I, I just kind of find I have to be absolutist about certain things.

Like, like years ago, I figured out that I could just, I can't have ice cream in my house.

If I have it in my house, I'll eat all the ice cream.

So, like, I have to, like, it has to be a treat.

I have to, like, go out to an ice cream parlor.

You just never have it in your house.

I just, I just outright ban it.

I'm just not willing to have it.

Yeah.

Wow.

But that's, that's the only, you know, what happened?

Michael just sent you five pints.

What happened?

I fucking powered through all of those.

Sounded the one with me.

I finished finished my fifth pint last night.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

I just finished them.

I finished two of those pints.

But then also it gets too icy at some point.

You need to, you got to eat it sooner or later.

Yeah, you got to eat it.

I'm with you, though.

I'm a whole pint guy.

Yeah, for sure.

That's why Halo Top is like methadone.

Right.

Where it's like, it's like, I'll eat.

It's 350 calories.

Who gives a fuck?

You know what I mean?

And like, Target, actually, here's a little fat guy tip.

Target's like Halo Top.

Ripoff, which is like 350 calories, much better tasting.

Wow.

Try it out.

I think it's good in some shit.

I don't know.

They have a a s'mores one.

They have a peanut butter one.

Halo top got me pissed off when we tried it.

I was mad at that.

It's not good.

But I, but it's like, but I love the, so much of it is ritual of eating a whole pot.

Yeah, for sure.

So, and now Halo Top started doing ones that are like, they're creeping up.

They have like 580 calorie ones with like mixins and stuff.

And it's like, we're just getting to the point.

Yeah, yeah.

But anyway.

It's like what happened with Snack Wells back in the day.

They just like had the Snack Wells, the healthy, like low-fat, you know, I remember those.

And they just kept adding shit to them to a certain point.

You're just at parody with a chip ahoy.

so why bother?

Uh, I got a yeah, and the similar thing for me is non-alcoholic beer, which I've gotten really into like craft NA beers, and so that's just like because you know, I will just again drink all the beers if I have them at home or I'll drink a whole bottle of wine.

So, just having NA beer there, but that actually tastes good, it's like that's enough of an approximation of the act where I can just my brain can process it, you know what I mean, and not have those cravings.

I tried the same thing with CBD, like smoking CBD joints, so pathetic, yeah, to be like, I'm smoking fake weed.

I'm smoking fake weed so I don't get fat as shit.

Obviously, yeah, it sucks.

You smoke real weed the next day, but but yeah, I've started dabbling with NA beers as well.

You said the snack wells thing.

It made me think of just like treats that your mom would let you have when you were fat as shit.

Oh, yeah.

Snack Wells is what, do you ever guys ever fuck with Luna bars?

I was like, yeah, they're like ladies' protein bars.

I was like, I would smash those, dude.

My mom would try and get them.

Those were, these are my fit kid days.

I would, like, where I would be, I would, and it's funny because we've said this on the podcast all the time, but it was be like, here's a bowl of spaghetti.

You're like, all right, I'm eating healthy.

You had no idea.

Yeah, there was a time when the nutrition advice was like, stay away from saturated fat and unsaturated fat.

You just want to have, like, carbs are fine.

I carb loaded for like 20 years of my life.

I'd eat bread every single fucking day.

I had no idea you weren't supposed to eat fucking bread.

It was so good.

We used to have like rice cakes, but they had like cinnamon and cinnamon wrappers.

That's a big one, dude.

And they like tasted like complete shit, but they were kind of like, you know, sweet and crunchy.

So, but they were also like completely unhealthy for you.

They're ultra-processed and they're loaded with carbs.

Yeah.

Were you, were you a Greek?

Did you like Greek pizza?

Of course.

So, yeah, I think I've heard you guys talk about what do you mean by Greek pizza specifically?

It's fascinating to me because in the, so like a lot of the places that have the, the roast, the, the roast beef sandwich in the northeast, the north shore does the beef three-way.

Which are great.

I love that sandwich, by the way.

It It didn't great.

We didn't suck it off enough.

If I was on Arrow Kelly's episode, it'd be five forks for sure.

Gabriers was there, too.

We didn't have a great Kelly's experience.

I think they had.

I could see it being bad, though, if you had the wrong thing.

Well, also,

I love beefs are like Kelly's sucks, too.

So that's the issue.

But Kelly's is good.

Yeah.

You're wrong.

Kelly's is good.

And I will say that in the beef Facebook group, but they're going off about how good of a job Trump is doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So

it's not worth

sure.

It's not getting in there for that one.

You got to let that die down a little bit.

How good a job Doge is doing.

You got to let that die down for a second, and then you can kind of talk about who has got the best beef.

Doge is coming for the Doge boys.

They don't think we're doing a good enough job, Doge.

They're kind of right.

It unites the country.

Everyone is like, Doge, that's actually a good cut.

Slash their Patreon.

We're subsidized by the federal government for some reason.

Greek pizza is a very specific style.

And Emma, you know Greek pizza.

Do we have a pizza?

I feel like a lot of

New England pizza is

like Greek-style pizza.

Because I think the pizza I grew up eating, I didn't realize it was like Greek-style pizza.

It just was like New England pizza.

That was the name of the place.

Or in the front row, it was Greek-style.

Okay.

I wonder if it's the kind of thing where it's like they were just Greek carry-outs.

Like, is that what you're saying?

They were all just like places owned by Greek people.

Because

that's kind of, we definitely, Baltimore definitely had a thing like the carry-out, which is just a catch-all kind of fast food.

And that's another reason we didn't do that much fast food because there were these places that had pizza, subs, wings.

Yeah, this was this is like an East Coast thing.

Actually, I don't find it out here, but there was a place in my near where I grew up called New England Pizza that was owned by a family that lived down the street from me.

And they were just like a Greek family, super nice.

And it was exactly that.

It was pizza, salads, subs, calzones.

Yeah.

Everything.

Amelia, you were fucking wrong.

I think I did.

Was it a Euro?

She called up a picture of a Euro pizza.

No, no.

No.

Probably some shit shit with olives on it or something.

No, I think, I see what's going on here.

You went toppings.

You guys are just talking about a stylistic pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is, because we don't call it Greek pizza.

Yes, that's what it looks like.

This is exactly what it looks like.

It's buttery crust.

The bottom of it looks a specific way.

Nick's pizza in Quincy was the one.

Why?

Because I tried to take it there.

It has a great Greek salad and

Nick, the guy, like it's a whole family.

It's a super Greek guy who owns it.

I googled Greek style pizza to see if I can find a picture of it.

And one of the first things that comes up is a serious Eats article called New England Greek Style Pizza.

Yes, it does seem to be a regional thing.

And there is a, you know, at least on Wikipedia, a named inventor, Costas Katsatsis.

Costas Katsatsis?

Who is

who invented, who like pioneered this method of doing it in a shallow metal pan.

I love that.

That's perfect strangers type shit.

But it's not.

That's like you're saying, it's like Greek town, or if you go to the north end of Boston, it's just like, oh, there's like a guy like me who lives in fucking the north end.

A shallow metal pan is similar to how you make your bar pizza.

Yes, it is.

Yes, the pan is a big part of it, Wax, but it's not, it's not, it's not, they can be bigger,

like bigger bands, but still deep.

Like the bottom kind of looks like that.

I love that.

It's great.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that's a specific one, but we definitely had a, we had a, so many of the kids I grew up with were, their families had these like shitty carry-outs that was just like cheesesteaks, wings, subs, uh, pizza, and they had like a specific kind of like its own, you know, pizza that wasn't quite,

it obviously wasn't fancy but it was like kind of kind of in the pizza hut family a little bit but it was just kind of like nice cheap good reliable pizza and honestly that kind of pizza hits the spot to me and i live in new york yeah it's like i like that trashy there's something about those places that do everything a b to b plus yeah that's just crushes it you know what i mean and and i do miss that and it also is like the fat kid buffet style of eating where you can get one of everything you know where you get pizza wings and a sandwich.

Oh, man.

We did so much of that because my friends had the carry-outs.

So it was like my buddy Bill, who's like a gambling addict or whatever, like I said, was a child gambling addict.

That's the other thing with like Green Kids.

It's like they all work Green Kids whose parents have restaurants.

They all have like their management, they're the weekend manager at 14.

They're like yelling at adults, you know what I mean?

And getting like a salary.

So these guys all had gambling issues.

They had like Lexuses, and I'm like broke as fuck, just kind of hanging out.

But they would bring the, they would just bring all the fucking food.

it was all and you would just have

awesome smorgasborg and we'd be eating we'd be eating you know we'd be we would be gambling we'd be it was like when texas hold them was big or we'd be gambling on like football but it was just great dude and that's that sounds like the dream i mean the the pizza hut comparison is that buttery crust sorry i yelled at you so much amelia i'm used to it

that buttery that buttery the pizza hut buttery crust is kind of a similar thing there was a great yeah there was a there was a greek uh uh cafe here in in those villas that did a great greek pizza shutdown to fucking the equivalent of what you were talking about that kind of like catch-all restaurant is like fast food place it out out here is is like in la is like the tommy's derivatives which is which is like a you know chili cheese fries but then they've also got taquitos yeah and they got burgers but then they've also got chicken teriyaki so it's like you know some places and a lot of places that have pastrami and and mexican food but those places also to me feel sort of diner adjacent as well yeah for sure like are what i'm I'm talking about is, like, you would not eat in there.

Oh, you're not eating in there.

You know what I mean?

It's like, these are like, and maybe they have a couple booths, but it's like, these are like...

The red chair booth.

Yeah, and they're in horrible parts of the city.

Like, they're like, it's purely just, like, it's, they're called carry-out.

You know, you just go.

Exactly.

They're like, they actually were sort of ahead of the curve in terms of like all this ghost kitchen shit.

These are places that were like.

you don't want to come like it's between behind bulletproof glass legitimately and it's like but you order you you pick it up whatever like all of baldsmore was kind of shitty back then so it doesn't fucking matter.

But, but yeah, these were places because I like those in LA.

Like the West Coast version of that, where it's like just a weird, fucked up, not quite a diner, not quite a like sit-down restaurant, and everything is a little shit.

I love those places too.

No,

it's very like out here, the sub, we've talked about this before.

The West Coast does a lot of great things with food.

I'm not trying to say East Coast is better, as everyone gets mad at me for saying,

but

the sub shops are just a different food.

Not even close.

And that's why, yeah, I think that's why, like, the

what, fat sals or whatever?

Yeah, sure.

It's like, I think that's why that has like

because it's just there's nothing else.

Yeah, but yeah, you can just get a good sandwich literally everywhere on the East Coast.

Yeah, you can't really get like a, I mean, there's, there's places like there's, you know, base cities in Santa Monica.

But that's like there's a million bays.

Like, that's, yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Like, you can find them, but they're few and far between.

And the, most of the good sandwich options are like a gentrified version of what you know.

And it's like you're spending $17 on a sub, you know?

Yeah.

So it's a little bit, bit, I get that it's a different experience, but it's all the flip side, right?

Because it's like the Mexican food and Asian food here is just so much better.

It's great.

So, you know, you got to, you do, you do what you got, you go, whatever, whatever they have, you enjoy that thing.

Yeah.

Um, let's look at-I'm sure a lot of people, a lot of places you walk into wish they had bulletproof glasses.

He's definitely a, he's got a gun type of guy.

It's crazy what the buzz cut has done to people's receptions of me.

Interesting, yeah.

I was, I, so I was, I've been, you know, I've been trying to do more, more fitness, and I was, um, I'm doing, I was doing rucking, which is like you, you walk with like a rate, a weighted backpack.

It's like you get the same sort of cardio as like running.

You look like Private Powell got over the hump.

You're not,

yeah, you elevate your heart rate in the same way that running does without like the pounding on my back and my knees.

And, um,

but I was doing that, but then I was looking into like a vest.

I was like, oh, you can get a weighted vest.

And I was like, I don't want to be going around with a buzz cut and a like a car, like a demo vest.

They They can't be wearing that.

People hear me running.

That would be awesome.

You can do a show in Oklahoma City.

People are fucking.

Let's talk.

We should talk about the burgers a little bit.

I thought

my famous star was very solid, just a down-the-middle burger.

The thing I really enjoyed is some.

I don't know why you get it.

You do it all the time.

You get the famous star a lot.

I get it.

No, I don't get the famous star a lot.

I feel like you've done it recently.

I thought the last time we went there, I feel like you got a famous star.

I did not get a famous star last week.

And this was, by the way, you guys just went there for fun.

Yeah.

You haven't done it.

You said you haven't done it

for the show since what?

Yeah, seven years.

Yeah.

So this is something you do often enough to have an argument about what Weiger gets.

It's insane that you didn't talk about it on the fucking thing.

I'm going to Google Doughboy's famous star.

I know that I got mad at you for having a famous star before.

I don't believe I got it the last time we reviewed it.

But I do really like, like, I like the big Carl a lot.

And what I really liked was both the bite of the El Diablo burger I had, Mitch, and then the bite of Susser, now canonically alive against

his double western burger, which is just like, remains my go-to.

And I think actually the ratios are better with the double pat, the double meat on the western burger.

But this is your first time having it.

What'd you think of the double western?

Again,

I just found an old picture of us.

Look at the...

Isn't that crazy how skinny it was?

I mean, I'm fat as fuck there, but still so much thinner than

you.

Don't do that to yourself, man.

Don't go back to pictures where you remember being like, I was such a fucking hog.

And then you're like, that's a sexy young boy.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'll look at pictures where I'm like, what have I done to myself?

That's brutal.

Don't ever do that again, Mitch.

That's tough.

I've done the same thing.

Like, I don't remember what I was looking for, and it was like, I was just not even that fat.

Yeah.

It was like,

I was just a regular guy who was kind of fat.

That thought I was a monster.

I literally thought I was a monster.

I didn't want people to look at me.

Yeah, I looked fucking great.

If you're listening, you will never be less fat than you are now.

That is true.

Just admit that.

Just enjoy that.

I know you're probably fat as shit.

If you're listening to the show,

you will only get fatter.

Just know that and enjoy that.

And don't look at old pictures of yourself.

Yeah.

Or get the shot.

Just get the fucking shot and be sick half of your fucking half of your life.

I ate public.

I once saw Mickey 17 last night.

Oh, I saw it too.

Yeah, yeah.

You did it last night.

I liked it.

Yeah, last night.

I loved it.

Wow.

What time did you go?

I wonder if we were...

No, you probably did.

Because

I'm staying in Hollywood, so I went to the Grove.

Oh, I went to the Americana.

We were on the ground.

We went to a different Caruso property.

And I'm just a Caruso fan.

Yeah, absolutely.

Me too.

I was just going for Caruso, and then I was like, hey, Mickey,

I was going, I was hoping there'd be like homeless guys I could punch in a Caruso property to kind of get them, to kind of get them away from it.

I'll give you a gold medal.

The world's so fucking bad, you can't even just have fun.

You can't even just go and see a movie without putting $11 into a piece of shit's pocket for parking.

It's nothing you can do.

I went to the 1030 show at

9.

Yeah.

Yeah, I loved it.

People were so sad.

I liked it.

I liked Mickey 17 a lot.

I liked it as well.

Yeah, really fun.

You imagined how that's basically what they're doing with Biden.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Biden 17, where every time he died, they would print him out.

It's like when you put too many copies on it, it's just Biden's coming out and dying over and over again.

But I think, yeah, they don't have the technology there, so he just dies quicker.

So every state of the union, he was just like, he was around for like maybe four days.

Except for printer where corn pop is coming out.

They replace corn pop?

I love McCime, but I ate popcorn and

I just can't eat it anymore.

It just fucking kills me.

And I love,

I'm a huge popcorn guy.

You're a popcorn skeptic.

I'm a popcorn guy, too.

And the same thing has happened to me in recent years where it just like, fucks me up.

It's crazy how much I don't know.

Do you think, is it shot related you were saying?

Or is this just as you've gotten older?

Especially now, I mean, both.

As I've gotten older, it will fuck up my stomach really bad.

And now, if I do the shot, and it's just, I took it yesterday, so it's just bad timing.

I can still do it, but it just does fuck me up worse and worse now.

Yeah, yeah.

I do love that.

I love how you're approaching the shot of like, how do I beat this thing?

How do I game plan against this miracle cure?

This has, I have, I said this twice, I've gone up like three pounds, and I think that the Lily director or whatever, the company that gives you probably like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

Give me a super dose.

But

I love the movie.

Like you, I did.

I thought the people, it's like an original sci-fi movie.

It's fun.

It's fun.

Yeah.

It's great.

I loved it.

I also like that he's like, I don't need to do another prestige thing.

I can do the fun genre thing.

Why not?

Who gives a shit?

But in a way to beat it, like you were saying, I was like, I got a popcorn.

I was like, I'm never going to be able to finish this.

And I was like, I'm going to get peanut MMs.

The peanut MMs are so much easier eating.

They're calorie dense.

dense.

Like you have fun, like you're trying to beat chemo.

You're trying to get like, you're trying to take like protein shakes.

You're like, I need this.

This is what, like,

like Rocky at the Creed where they're feeding him fucking insurers.

Yeah, you just start doing insurers.

I know there is a fat pride to being like, I'm going to be the guy that beats this.

I'm the fattest guy.

So you're having the Double Western.

and yeah, I felt like so my approach to ordering was right.

I've never had this place.

I want to be a scientist about this.

I respect the program.

I respect the conversations that obese men have between themselves.

Right.

So I wanted to be like fucking dialed in.

So I figured we go to a classic.

And that to me just, when you look at that menu, that maybe it was the rodeo burger, whatever, it's like, that just stands, that burger just stands out to you.

You're not wrong.

I think the Western bacon cheeseburger is, I would say, for Carlos Jr., that is maybe.

It's a swinger signature item.

It's become.

Fuck, I'm sure I did that slyly.

While you're talking

to the microphone,

we've done this for a decade.

But that's become the signature item, I feel like.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, so that's,

I was like, let me do that.

And I did barbecue sauce on the side because I'm not a big barbecue sauce guy, but I just didn't want it.

So I was just like, it's happened to me where it's overpowered.

They'll slather it on there.

That's happened to me before where it's like, I want a little bit.

So I just want to control.

I ended up using very little barbecue.

I thought it was good, but I just, I kind of just liked the burger as a burger, like take because I am just a bacon cheeseburger guy, right?

If I'm going to have a burger, I'm getting a bacon cheeseburger.

And then, you know, who's mad at a fucking onion ring?

No, but nobody's mad at a fucking onion ring on your burger.

And the onion rings,

all the stuff there.

I know, Amelia, you said the onion rings were mid.

Yes.

She can confirm.

But But

I generally like the hand-battered stuff there.

The onion rings, the tenders.

And I like the jalapeno poppers too.

I like the jalapeno poppers quite a bit, which we also got.

I will just say that

in context, the onion ring on the burger works really well.

I don't need them on the side necessarily, but on the Western Bacon Cheeseburger, absolutely.

I think that's the way to put it.

As a topping, it's a top-tier.

onion ring topping because I think how shitty it is as a side makes it better as a topping.

Right.

Because it's like more malleable.

It's a little softer.

It's smushes.

It's like, as a really good thing that's crispy, it could fuck up the textures a little bit or it like it would soften under the weight of the like steam, the steam of the fucking burger.

Whereas this thing is kind of mush.

It has just enough of a form.

It has just enough of an onion ring flavor that it's good.

I will say as sides.

You took this seriously because you just knocked it out of the park.

It's pretty fucking dead on.

Thanks, man.

Why is it not malleable?

Hell yeah.

I literally kick up so many IQ points when I'm talking about fast food.

It's so, it's crazy.

You guys would love the Are You Garbage Guys?

I don't know if you've ever seen their show.

They're just complete fucking pieces of shit from Philly.

And we end up talking about just fucking chain restaurants for so long.

And it's, we had like a discussion about,

is it class, like what potato, is it fucked up to put ketchup on mashed potatoes?

I think.

Wow.

And it took us, we talked for like a half hour.

And it was like, people were like, this is nuts, how much of this episode is about this.

Anyway,

where did you land?

I think, yeah, I think absolutely.

Without question, it's so fun.

I mean, that's what kind of trash we're dealing with between my friends

Henry and Foley.

I'm sorry, Henry and Kippie, but they're complete Philly trash.

The fact that they even had to talk about that.

But I do think there is like, you know, I think that I basically said, you know, when you have ketchup, with a potato dish, that's the delineating line of when something becomes trash or not.

Sure.

If you're in a restaurant where they wouldn't even consider bringing you ketchup, that's a good, that's a fancy restaurant.

If they'll let you put ketchup on anything, you're at a fucking dog shit place.

Anyway, that's just, just check out another podcast where fat guys talk about food.

Basically, that's, um, but yes, that's, that's what I've, and I would, then I would go on to say that as sides, I was a little,

I, a little to be desired by the stuff on the side.

Yeah, I agree.

I like, so, because you also got the fried zucchini and the chicken stars.

I do not like the chicken stars.

I don't think they're so.

The chicken stars are their nugs, but and they're obviously designed for kids.

I get it.

It's a fun form factor.

It's like the dino nuggets or whatever.

The problem is, you're not getting enough chicken per bite.

It's like so heavily breaded.

And also, it's just like it reminds you that this is barely food.

The fact that it's shaped into a star, it's like, I should not be eating this as an adult.

Who do you think the biggest chicken star is in the history of cinema?

Chicken Little?

Yeah, Chicken Little's prick was up there.

I mean, I was thinking of something from someone from Chicken Run.

Camilla from the Big Chicken from Family Guy.

Big Chicken from Family Guy.

He's a TV star, you know.

You know, maybe.

Camilla.

He never crossed over.

He never did.

He did.

The Big Chicken never crossed over.

He kind of stuck on PBS, unfortunately.

He could have had a great movie.

He could have

get some action comedies.

No, no, no Family Guy movie also is that is weird.

That is kind of weird.

They should do one.

All their money on Ted, dude.

Mitch, of course, Foghorn Leghorn.

Oh, my God.

And Foghorn Leghorn did make the cross.

He crossed over.

And now it's just gotten deleted from Max just recently.

What color is his ball sack?

I don't know.

Maybe it's red.

Maybe it's white.

Might be red.

Might be white.

Maybe speckled.

Maybe like red with like a couple.

I'll say, I'll say, I got a curl wake off.

That's right.

Yeah, he's got a.

I agree with you on the sides.

I think their waffle fries and their fried zucchinis are my favorite.

The jalapeno poppers are going to be hot.

Pretty good.

But their regular fries, I will say, overperform today.

And Amelia, you thought those fries are hidden.

Yeah, especially on the ride back to the studio.

I snuck a few fries.

That's fucking not allowed.

This is the second time today I've heard Mitch tell someone they're not allowed to touch his fries.

I yelled and Anya was like, I took a fry.

Was that all right?

And I was like, no, it's not okay.

And I was joking.

And he wants you a mirror, too are you gonna yell at him well that's fucking bullshit

that is fucking bullshit but those fries were hitting

they were hot they were fresh with the regular fries yeah they have a skin on fry which they didn't always have I like a I like that one too sorry to cut you off no not at all I felt they were hitting as well and that's my kind of fry I actually am a skin on like just kind of I like those I like a little bit of like kind of pretending it's not like super processed where it's like hey look it's got a little skin maybe maybe an old woman chopped these this morning even though you know you know that she didn't you know what i mean um you know it's like you know like a migrant worker who's maybe part of their finger is also in the in the like in the like potato thing like but for a second you're like maybe this is homemade uh so i really those were my favorite side those that side stuck out to me yeah it's just a good you know it's a good role player It's not going to wow you, but it's like it supports the sandwich very well.

But also, I feel like a lot of times the burger I'm getting from Carl's Jr.

slash Hardee's is so heavy that I don't need a lot on the side.

Like, I'll oftentimes get a fried zucchini or a jalapeno popper just to have like a little supplement.

But, like, I don't, I, I don't need like a

gigantic volume of fries necessarily because that burger is so indulgent.

I think, I just also think with the waffle fries, it's just going to be hot and fresh.

It has nothing to do with me being 15 minutes late to the meal.

That's the issue.

It was, it was, uh, but like, uh, the fries that they they go downhill pretty quick.

And when you're, I get it.

When I get the waffle fries at Carl's Jr., it's usually me driving home and eating them on the way.

Like that's, that's how you got to have them.

You got to have them hot and fresh.

I do think they have a really good house ranch there.

At least I didn't try that.

Yeah, I think it's really solid.

I am a ranch guy.

Yeah,

it's a quality waffle.

I'm now proud.

I'm going to come out and say this.

I like ranch more than blue cheese.

Mitch, me too.

This was a late-in-life conversion.

I never thought this would happen, but like five to 10 years ago, I started just preferring ranch to blue cheese with wings.

And I was like, I never thought I'd reach this point.

Well, I think for me, ranch has a higher ceiling, lower floor.

For sure.

Whereas I think blue cheese has a, it's the opposite, where it's like.

If something is coming in like a fucking little packet, I'm probably going blue cheese.

Yeah.

Because a packet ranch can be so, so fucked up.

A packet ranches can be really soft.

So fucked up.

But a great, like a homemade ranch is like, knocks the shit out of a fucking blue cheese.

For sure.

On the other hand, you can get like a mayo with blue cheese chunks in it, which I think is fucking gnarly.

And

I do, I do like, like, like, that's, that to me is a bad version of blue cheese.

It's like, this is like mayo-y and fucking,

but like a pizza place that offers menu because they have to.

They can have a really shitty blue cheese for it.

Don't get me wrong, I still do love blue cheese.

I'm not a, I mean, people know that.

I don't have to tell the world that I still love blue cheese, but you know what I'm saying.

Take the hat off, please, world.

Understand, I still love blue cheese.

She's fucking tearing up.

Even though in the last five years I do prefer ranch, I'll never fully abandon you, blue cheese.

Damn, I wish I would have tried the ranch.

Mitch, why?

Why back the blue?

Cheese.

Blue cheese.

Wait, we didn't talk about your charbo and Santa Fe sandwich.

So, yeah, so the other thing I wanted to do,

because i had so traveling and on the road i have gotten some if i do any sort of like road like in a pinch i will i'll tend to go to like chick-fil-a is like a grilled sandwich that's pretty good and actually panda express has some like they've kind of done a weird thing where they're now i don't know how accurate the calories and shit are but like they have certain things that aren't that bad and i'll get like the beef and broccoli with some teriyaki chicken and actually a pretty healthy and no rice just like fucking veggies so i'll do a couple of those and so i also wanted to take, I basically had half of each one.

And I was like, one, if I'm being a little slutty boy, and that's the double western, and one if I'm trying to be good, and that's the little grilled guy.

And I actually thought the grilled was, and it was not fried chicken, it was grilled.

I kind of wanted, I wanted to like put it in adverse conditions where it's like, grilled, can this do like a grilled chicken pretty good?

And it did.

Now, the sauce was probably a little, they probably mayoed it up a little bit.

It wasn't, it ended up not really being a little bit of a chicken.

It's like orange mayo, right?

It is an orange sauce.

Yeah, it was some kind of, it was good, but it ultimately probably wasn't that good for you.

But in a world where I had to, in a pinch, get a healthier option, I was like, what does a grilled sandwich look like?

And it was actually, you know, solid.

I'm trying to bring up the menu now to see exactly what's on the sum bitch.

Mitch, what did you what did you you liked your big Carl overall?

Double Big Carl.

Yeah, I liked it quite a bit.

And then the El Diablo burger, I liked, I liked it.

Did you take a bite of it, Wax?

I did take a bite of it.

I thought it was pretty decent.

Oh, shit, we should have.

We should.

I will say,

fuck, fuck, we fucked up.

No, it's all good man i will

i will say i that was you said it was actually spicy i'm a bit of a heat seeker i it actually was spicier than i expected because usually these fast food like their their their you know whatever they call their el diablo uh equivalent is whatever the language they use to talk about something being like like searing hot it's not actually that hot right right right um but this one actually had a little bit of burn to it yeah

the fourth hot one yes

that's the level it was it was it was I was surprised by the heat, but also I just wish they had that jalapeno burger.

That was the jalapeno was better for sure.

It was great.

And it was like just a bunch of, I mean, it was like a thing that like, I was like, I'm not going to go to the bathroom normally for three days, basically.

It's like a thing that would make me take Pepto-Bismol back in the day, but it was like a good, like a good amount of jalapenos and just a fucking good great burger.

And then this one has the jalapeno poppers on it, which is kind of a little,

it's good, but it's a little like, it's a little, it's a little much.

I just wish they had like the the the just the the straight up jalapenos on the burger i guess you could pour they do no they do have jalapenos on it and maybe you didn't get any in your bites like the bottom i know i did i did i did yeah the bottom layer is pickled jalapenos and then they have jalapeno poppers on the top level okay uh it's also got a pepper jack cheese and a fiery abanero ranch sauce they call it

it was good your your burger stava had a had what they call their santa fe sauce which i imagine is more of a yeah it's more of a chipotle sauce yeah it was a little it had a little spice on it and it was good It was legitimately pretty good.

I think it had some chilies in there, too.

It had some green chilies, yes.

That was a good sandwich.

I guess I wish I had

tried to do the thought experiment a little better.

And like,

if this is actually healthy, is it good?

Yeah.

Because that sauce was fucking mayo-based for sure.

But I wonder if, like, maybe a little mustard, a little of that grilled chip.

Like, could you figure out a way to make it a little healthier?

I don't know.

But.

It was good.

You saw the grilled sandwich?

You certainly could.

I feel like this is the kind of place where...

Charles junior is a tough place if you're just yeah if you're in a situation where i have to eat healthy and my one option is carl jr or hardy's it's kind of dire straits it's like it's like you'd even do better in a subway honestly like but um

yeah i i i think among the fast food chains like it is a place that just kind of leans into indulgence and leans into how caloric its things are i mean they had a thing what was the thing they were calling for a while mitch it was the thick burger right yeah

the six dollar six dollar burger six dog burger

which is funny because all the burger, it was like the thick $6 burger, and then it was like the burger.

It was actually probably even still eight bucks back then.

Yeah, but now it was like that burger is $13.

It is so fucked up.

That's another insane thing because, like, looking at this menu and being like, what should I get?

Looking at the prices, which you guys understand because you do this fucking every week, it's nuts how expensive this shit is.

For sure.

In the 10 years that we've done the show, which is also insane,

it's gone up so high where fast food is like, it's expensive now.

Yeah.

We'll do an order and it'll be like 300 bucks or whatever.

Yeah.

You're better at going to a restaurant.

Yeah.

A hundred

restaurant.

Yeah.

If you're, if you're, it's like one of these, if you're an employee at one of these places trying to eat at one of these places and just order off of the menu, it's like two or three hours worth of wages to like buy a lunch.

It's like, it's absolutely.

I think you're way better at it, Subway than

you're right.

Subway was the wrong pull, but

even like McDonald's, I feel like it's Jared on the brain.

His homepage is the countdown to when Jared gets out of prison.

23.

Welcome, home, king.

Wager's out there with a banner.

He knows exactly where he's going to live on the fucking

website.

Jeffrey Jones' roommate.

Now that is a good sitcom, actually.

Three's company reboot with Wager, Jared, and Jeffrey Jones.

All pedophile version reboot of Three's Company.

Wager's pledging at the pedophile fraternity.

Mitch, we also got a couple of.

I was trying to get the Blood Orange Baller, which was a limited-time boba drink that.

I saw you order that, and I couldn't find it.

This is, I mean, I sent my order in at 2:30 a.m.

last night, I believe.

It's one of those frustrating things where it's on the national menu, but if you go to like order off of the app or whatever, it's just not there because it's, I guess.

What's the name of it again?

It was the Blood Orange Baller, and it's got a basketball nickname.

It is, it is very basketball.

It's like Orange Fanta with strawberry boba, but they did not have that right now.

Instead, I opted for the, which one was it, Amelia?

The Tropicali.

The Tropicali, yes.

And then, Mitch, you, you got the strawberry lemonade.

I liked that strawberry lemonade.

Here's the other thing about Carls Jr.

Look, I know

they like it is a trashy food spot, but they, this, they,

I think you are right that it is still kind of elevated in a way.

And, and, and

the, the shakes are good there.

We know, we didn't even get a fucking shake.

The shakes are fucking good.

They have, they have the real ice cream milkshakes.

I think they are one of the better, better shakes in fast food.

I didn't get it because I'm just like, I always get a vanilla shake from there.

I know what it tastes like.

Right, right.

Um, and I just like, I don't need to, I could have gotten it, but it just would have been for fun.

Uh, but it's uh, yeah, I think their shakes are great for work,

yeah, exactly.

I mean, honestly, yeah,

uh, yeah, I, I, But that strawberry lemonade is like, was

I think all they do,

I'm kind of like, what does Carl Jr.

do bad?

And maybe it is just kind of health stuff.

I get like anything that's healthy.

So just from your guys' perspective, right?

As people who have gone here a ton, was this more of just a check-in for you?

Like there's not any, there wasn't like a particular menu, a menu item.

There was nothing that's changed.

You guys just wanted to kind of take stock?

I think it's, I think for a place like that.

I respect that.

It is the truth.

And I mean, it makes me feel pathetic.

And I think, yes.

The answer is the answer is yes.

No, but I think for a place like this that is,

you know, I think by number of locations, it's still a top 20 chain in America, maybe higher.

It's, I think it's number four in burgers, you know, behind McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's.

So it's like still a big chain.

It's a chain like Burger King or like Taco Bell that we just like to check in on an occasion and see how it's doing.

Because a place like Burger King, we've seen that go, like go all the way down.

And then Burger King is big time back now i mean if you think it's back right now i think so for sure do you disagree i just burger king was so not we were such a mcdonald's family and then pope popeyes was actually my favorite family oh pope's was the best yeah so the idea that i'd ever get burger the only time i ever got burger king was one time a commercial worked on me when they had the the the italian chicken long sandwich me and my brothers literally were like i just got my like learner's permit and we just like took my mom's minivan and we're like these are going to be the best and they suck dick They were horrible sandwiches.

They are bad, but

if you love Burger King, they're bad in the great.

I loved them.

But we just were not, I just wasn't a Burger King guy at all.

So, like, I have no frame of reference for them.

I've heard you guys say Burger King is back.

I'm, I'm curious.

I would have been curious.

Like, that would have been something I would have been actually interested to try.

Yeah.

But it's just not a place I've ever.

I'm just, my loyalties are so squarely, you know, not even McDonald's anymore because I just don't, I don't really find myself eating burger fast food that much.

Sure.

Um, because I love wings, I love fried chicken, I also love like Chinese.

Like, if I'm gonna have like a cheat meal, it's like, and being a fat as shit, it's like you can't eat like this that much.

So, it's like, I don't check in, it's not my job to check in, but uh, I would be, you know, I, I, I was interested to do this one because you do have an idea of what Hardee's was and especially the uh all those horny commercials.

Like, oh my god, remember, like, that's I knew I've gotten, like, I've gotten hornier because of Hardys than I have like been hungry.

Like to me, it's more of like, it's closer to like Maxim magazine than it is like a fucking restaurant.

Let's just say I might have a CPAP dream about Hardee.

They brought titties back.

Titties are back on the menu.

They did, yes.

That is cool.

Yeah.

I do feel like they're like,

yeah, there was, I mean, like back in the day, when I first moved out here, that's like, you know, there was like the car wash commercial with like girls putting their boobs up against glass and stuff like that.

And then they did, they have just recently come back with that, and it feels like

a response to Trump's America.

I mean, it is just crazy.

They had an interregnum where there was like a period where they were doing different campaigns.

They even had the spots I like with our friend Drew Charver was where they had Carl Hardy's

Jr.

and they lay like he played like the kid of Carl Hardy.

And like they were.

Those were good, yeah.

Yeah, they were just doing that for a little bit.

But yeah, you know what about our friend Drew Tarver?

Yeah.

Doesn't have big ass tins.

Doesn't have a juicy rack, bro.

All that stuff comes from

Andy Puzder, was the CEO of Carlos Jr./slash Hardys and came and like pioneered all those marketing campaigns.

Oh, a true piece of shit.

Used to bring him up all the time.

Yeah, a real piece of shit.

And he was like, like, horrible for, you know, labor issues for his workers.

And

he was like so bad that they tried to confirm him as Secretary of Labor for Trump for the first administration, and he couldn't get confirmed for Trump's cabinet.

That's awesome.

But now in the second term, he's ambassador to the EU.

Hell yeah, dude.

The guy who came up with a paris open dad.

By the way, have you seen the EU?

They look fucking good.

good.

But the big titties in the EU now.

Yeah, all right.

That's not bad.

Look, we can build, you know what I mean?

Like, it's important to look at what you have in common with the people across the aisle.

Exactly.

And if we can get just some common ground on fat tits, maybe

shit doesn't have to go so bad.

Maybe, you know, it doesn't have to be this crazy.

Try to turn your back to the Democrats completely bungling messaging on fat tits.

I like a big juicy.

I have

a lot of problem with with a nice breast or two.

Fucking brooks.

They would ruin.

They would 100% ruin a home run like big tits.

While we find the big tits support of Palestine abhorrent,

we do ultimately enjoy fat tits.

It would be fucking something like that.

They're great milk sources.

We don't care about the milk factor.

What are you talking about?

Well, we do a little bit.

We care about the milk.

We We do care.

A little bit.

A little bit.

A little bit.

Sure.

A little milk dribbling out.

That's no problem.

It's not a big deal.

That's fine.

It's fine.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

All right, we should get to our fork score.

So, Stav, here's how this works.

We'll each go around.

We'll give our closing argument on Carl's Jr.

slash Hardys and give it a score of

0 to 5 forks.

I'm just wondering, since the big titties are back at Carls, if I can get into a Carls commercial.

Maybe, dude, who knows?

It is funny, though, to just be like, I do kind of respect being like, look, these are big, fat, fucking clogged artery burgers.

You're an idiot if you want these.

You're going to like big, like, there's just something so almost commendable about like, right down the middle, it's exactly what you expect.

We're pieces of shit.

Yes, of course, the guy who has poor

labor practices is going to be like, let's find whoever has the biggest tits and put her in a commercial.

And it's like, there is something to it.

If you're going to be a piece of shit, just be that.

Don't hide it.

Don't pretend you're not.

I do kind of respect that.

Even though.

I agree.

The complete lack of pretense of just like, let's just appeal to people's basest instincts.

Exactly.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah.

Be a guy in a suit that's trying to fucking steal from poor people.

Don't pretend you're like cool.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know.

Yeah, Bezos is so much worse than trying to be like a cool guy.

Yeah, just stop doing that, dude.

Yeah.

Uh, stav, uh, your thoughts, your fork score for Carls Jr.

slash Hardys.

Okay, so, um, I thought the burger was, was really good.

I thought I do, like, that smoke that you were talking about, Mitch.

Yeah, 100%.

That, that is what hit me initially.

Um, I do think, and maybe it's just that I've, I am in a period of my life where I'm eating a little healthier.

It did feel even to me a little much.

Like it was fuck, it was a lot, right?

Yeah, it's a lot.

Um,

and ultimately, I just think because of fast food burger, it's just not as good as even the like, you know, other chains, like, you know, the slightly elevated one, Shake Shack, all that kind of, all that kind of stuff.

When you're having that much meat, because it was a good, you know, I'm getting the double, you know, it was good.

It was, it was as good.

It was the top of that style of burger, I would say, where it's like McDonald's, burger, like that quality of meat where it's like, it felt almost like a real burger, but it still

was squarely in the uh you know kind of fake did i need to eat this weird meat or should i was there a better option um i think you would hate the six dollar burger because the six dollar burger is supposed to be like an elevated version of it and then you're and then it's like really like focused on like this thick burger patty yeah and it's i don't think it's good you can tell the low quality patty a little bit more when it's in a thicker form yeah right and i think actually the place like this i i kind of if i had to do it over again i probably would have gone single patty, different because I think they're good at their toppings, right?

Sure.

And the different, I, there was like four different burgers that kind of like, just looking at the menu, I was like, ooh, the spire, the spicy one, the guacamole one, like all these other ones, where I'm like, and the guac is good.

Guac is good.

That's fascinating if they could pull guac off at that scale.

It's good.

So

I like that where I will, and I actually really did like the grilled sandwich, just as a, like, let's take health and stuff out of it, just as like a, it was a grilled piece of chicken with a nice sauce.

It was actually really good.

I like their fries where they really sort of,

the sides are really what fucks me up.

Yeah.

Because I'm looking at this as like, let's say I am a stoned, I'm in my piece of shit era where I get stoned as fuck.

And what do I want?

I do want a burger.

I want some kind of chicken thing.

I want a side.

I want to really do it up that way.

Burger solid.

You know what I mean?

Like you can build on that burger.

It's not an all-star, but it's like, you know, a good, you would give it the max to be your quarterback.

You know what I mean?

Like, like, it's not, it's not like you know, it's not the best player in the league, but it's like a franchise player.

You could, you could get on those burgers.

There's only 30 teams, so like at a certain point, you just have to like go all in on your guy for sure, for sure.

But those sides were just like that chicken, the nuggets.

And yes, I know they're for kids, whatever, but it's like, especially in an era where you guys must know, but I don't know if you feel this way.

The nugget, nugget technology is fucking great.

Fast food chicken technology is fucking out of this world right now.

From sandwiches to tenders to nuggets.

So many advancements in nuggets where I felt like I went fucking back in time.

The tenders are so much better.

They're handling it.

I didn't see them, though.

They don't have them on the menu.

Are they gone?

I wanted to order tenders.

Yeah, they don't have them right now.

And I think they were on the national menu or maybe on the East Coast version.

And so in my head, I was like, oh, I'll try those.

They didn't have them.

They were fucking dog shit.

The zucchini was interesting because I actually do like fried zucchini.

Yeah.

And it was actually not horrible.

It was kind of like fun.

It was a little weirdly pillowy.

But man, those fucking, the chicken, how dog shit the chicken nuggets were.

And how like, how

just like good, but

not spectacular.

I mean, I still enjoyed it.

And for what it's trying to do as like an indulgent place, it's good, but I just, I mean, those nuggets are going to haunt me.

And I can't put put it, I can't give it four.

I got to go 375.

Wow.

3.75.

Fair.

I can't.

As someone who respects the show, I felt too strongly.

I don't think what I got deserved to be.

Because you can't serve that fucking nugget with a straight face and want to be a golden plate,

in my opinion.

If we do a revisit

to Carlos Jr.,

me, you, and Gabe, are just going to go after a night of going out.

I would love to.

And then, that is, I think that is the best way to

experience it.

But the specialty burgers are good.

Wags, that avocado burger, like it has, it has great, the guacamole burger has like great.

The guac is good.

Like, we were saying that.

They have surprisingly good guac, partly because a lot of the locations are co-branded with a green/slash red burrito, another brand that's that's fragmented.

But

Mexican Chains, they acquired, and yeah, so they have some their menu.

Greener than Yoda's nutsack.

It's fucking,

it's, it's great.

I think so, yeah.

Because Yoda's, you gotta think his nuts are a little darker than the rest of his body.

Probably.

If we're going by just how nuts usually work,

it's probably like maybe more mossy.

Mine are very white.

They're much whiter than the rest of my body.

Sounds like you're backed up.

Yeah, ladies don't know this, but when you get backed up, your nut sack gets very white.

It's very white.

It's like moth-like.

Or silk.

It's like very silky.

And also, can I say this?

Yeah, please.

Yoda's nutsack looks so shitty in Last Jedi when he came back, as opposed to the original nutsack and then

the French nutsack.

That's what you want.

Yeah, well, they had a special puppeteer working just the sack

that it kind of behaved lifelike.

Two sticks.

Look, you know, some people say, you know, you don't want this smoke or whatever, but with Carl's Jr., I like it.

You know, it's funny about it is that you're not a BK fan.

No.

And Carl's Jr., to me, if I break them into categories, Carl's Jr.

kind of does feel like a BK adjacent fast food restaurant.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think because I don't, that smoking, like, it did remind me of the few times I've had.

Burger King.

Yeah.

You know, so I get that for sure.

I think currently NetHole, I don't know, because we say BK is back.

I'm going to have a great BK.

I love it.

but I'm like, do I like current Burger King or do I like more than Carls Jr?

I don't know.

That's a tough question.

And honestly, I wonder

it feels like Carls Jr.

and the Zeitgeist right now is like, is not as big as it was, right?

Like,

for sure.

In the middle of those, the Kate Upton ads and shit, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what do you say?

It's kind of been supplanted by like kind of the fast, casual, more upscale, you know, ones like the, I mean, even five guys in this category, but like the, the, you know, the Shake Shacks of the world.

For For sure, for sure.

It, it kind of occupies a space.

Is it better under Puzzle?

Well, he just left, right?

That, yeah, I mean, but also, I, I think it's just like the market has changed and moved on from

exactly, yeah.

But it's a great, trashy burger, and

I, I, I'm almost hesitant in calling it trashy because I do think those specialty burgers are so good and they do a lot of great stuff here.

I actually think there's a lot they don't do bad besides the nuggets.

And you know what?

When you said that, I was like, oh, I had the nuggets and they were not good.

But if you get the sides hot and fresh, the waffle fries are good.

The regular fries, I think, are just okay.

Amelia loved them.

I actually weirdly, really liked those, too.

Oh, shit.

I like those.

And I like that kind of fry.

But it really was.

And you guys, that is the other thing I feel like an asshole because we did get this sitting in a fucking lunch.

Like, this is particularly the kind of thing you got to eat.

either right out the drive-thru or sitting there like stoned, whatever.

So I do feel a little bad because I'm sure the sides that I had an issue with would have been a little better.

But I just think ultimately there's no freshness of saving those nuggets.

Yeah.

And, you know, I don't know.

The tenders come back, you're trying, but the milkshakes also, there's, there's, I don't think that they do anything really too poorly besides a couple things.

And so I'm going, I still love Carls Jr.

wise.

I'm going four forks.

You're going four or four.

I'm still, it's still in the golden play club to me.

Damn it.

I'm sorry.

I think if I had any personal connection to it, it probably would have gotten a little nostalgia nod.

Yes.

But I'm just coming at this.

Look, I'm just, I'm objective, man.

I'm just a fucking

scientist.

You knocked it out of the park with your, with, with your,

like, just the uneatering being a little bit mushy and still having that consistency is what makes that burger so great.

It's so good.

And that's a great bite, an incredible bite.

Yeah.

And maybe if I had even gotten a single, maybe it's also just that all this fucking, I'm just not used to.

You're catching me the one time in my life I haven't had this level of grease in my body.

And so I might just be like pissed off that I like I'm like relapsing on dog shit.

You know, like that's probably part of it, but you know.

Well, please don't spiral due to the podcast.

A lot of people spiraling.

No, that's kind of what's, I mean, that's the, there's a lot of things let's talk about the podcast, but the, but one of them is that we it like quality of the show is quality show is big is a big issue.

One of them is that your, your cheat meal slot for me and Mitch is oftentimes occupied, and a lot of times our guest is occupied by a not great fast food restaurant.

And I do kind of feel like

eating Carl's Jr.

at 1 1 p.m.

or whatever.

Right.

It's not the time you want to do it everywhere.

You have to go have full days.

That's the issue.

I, I, so I am coming into this with a lot of baggage.

I do have a lot of nostalgia for Carl's Jr.

specifically of Carl's Jr.

Hardees.

And, you know, I grew up with it.

I went all the time.

We dine in, and it's one of those places where they have a little number that they bring it out to your table, which I always thought was very classy and fast food.

Oh, I like that.

I've maybe said this before on the podcast, but Carl's Jr.

was the first hot meal I had on September 11th, 2001.

You mean like before the tower?

Yeah, before

I saw, no, I saw, like, I would, I watched, I watched 9-11 happen.

I saw that happen.

And then it went to Carl's Jr.

Yeah, it was like, that was my way of dealing with like.

And for all your

like, that was like

opinion formed.

This is a place that for me, for a lot of times, if I want to eat some garbage, you know, this was top of mind for me, along with a place like Del Taco and Jack in the Box, and obviously.

What's what your 9-11 number was at Carl's Jr.?

Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Well, I do.

Yeah.

I'll never forget.

So I had,

I like, I

have a lot of history with this place.

That's why you'll never forget where you were just because you were having a good fucking Western bacon cheeseburger.

Fucking good.

This is,

I do feel like it's declined a bit.

And I do feel like it's, their menu is getting a little bit out of control.

Like they have too many different menu items.

They have too many variations of the same sort of burger.

The jalapeno burgers got away from the bottom of the burger.

They've subtracted some of their better ones that were there.

I'm not sure if the teriyaki burger is even available, but that was also a go-to.

Their jalapeno burger was so, so solid.

And I just feel like they're trying too many different things.

I agree.

They absolutely need to step up those nuggets, which were just, bitch, in recent memory, we had the Wendy's spicy nugs, and those are like on a completely different tier.

It's like, it's like, these are like, these felt like something you'd make in an oven for a five-year-old.

No, they were so fucking bad.

They're fucking bad.

And so

Commissioner Susser gave this 3.25 forks.

I don't know if I'll go that low, but I think.

He should give every meal five forks.

He just comes in and gets it for free.

I think for me, this is three forks two times.

I don't feel like it's a four-fork chain anymore.

I'm alone in the golden.

So I'm going to go three and a half forks for

this.

All right.

I think we're kind of in the,

I think I gave it the 375 because.

You felt bad for us?

No, I could have.

I could have.

No, no.

I could have.

The milkshake.

I feel like there's things that would have, that if I had ordered a little better and if, like, you know, just

I had gotten a less, one less patty.

Like, I think there was a way I could have.

That was still, that was the highest score I could possibly see this restaurant have.

To be clear, I'm mad at him.

I think he's going low.

I think your score was perfect.

Yeah, I think, but I think I'm somewhere truly like in the in the middle zone.

Yeah.

Because I also, and again, you guys know this better.

The sense I get is that it has declined.

I think it has.

And I also feel like,

again, if I have a shake,

that alone might get it to four forks if I'd gotten at a shake today,

but I didn't.

But their shakes remain very good.

But I think it is a place where they've gotten a little bit out of control in terms of trying too many things.

Their quality is maybe overall dipped a little bit.

And there's also just like, again, I'm going to go have like an 800-calorie lunch, you know, or honestly, an 800-calorie sandwich, a 1,500-calorie lunch.

Like, there's other places I'd rather spend that indulgence.

So I just think they're better options.

I'm going to have Hellboy fucking stuff you in the trash after this podcast.

He's going to dip his red nuts on your forehead.

Please, dude.

He's a little pretty.

I can rage you with his nuts.

Piping hot nuts from hell.

All right.

Let's do a segment.

I've got a mystery beverage, and Mitch and Stop must use their senses to determine its identity.

It's the Weiger challenge.

So, Amelia, pick this up.

I guess there's one for me to drink.

You're standing outside the door with those on your hand for a very long time.

I saw you in the refresher.

She was actually balancing them on her head.

It was really cool.

All right.

So, we have some glasses of some brown liquid in front of us.

Feel free to grab that.

A glass of brown liquid.

Let us know what you're smelling, what you're tasting, what you're smelling.

It smells a little vanilla-ish, like a camera.

Oh, yeah.

Have you taken a sip?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Sorry.

Oh, no, you're fine.

Go at your own pace.

I'm going to have a sip of this as well.

Because I know what this is, and I haven't had this yet.

Okay.

Which is perhaps a clue in and of itself.

I think I know what this is.

I think I do as well.

Oh, wait.

The aftertaste?

has a bit of an aftertaste.

I think I know this.

You think you know it all right?

I'm trying to think: is this?

I'm just going to go out there and say this.

I'm going to go out on a limb.

Is it possibly a drank or stank I did?

No.

Okay.

No, I don't think you've had this.

Okay.

Okay.

I think I like this style of soda.

Yeah.

So, okay, let's go.

Let's see here.

It is a soda.

There is a bit of fizz to it.

I, yeah.

This,

I think it's a wild cherry, or it's a cherry vanilla situation.

I think it's got it out of the park, and I know

you unlocked it for me.

I think it is cherry vanilla.

Oh, is it wild cherry Pepsi?

Wild cherry vanilla Pepsi?

They don't have wild cherry vanilla Pepsi.

But do they have a fucking, but maybe they do.

Look at Millie's covering up.

Weiger is getting uncomfortable in the seat, which is normal, but

it's vanilla.

Fuck, it's vanilla for sure.

It's vanilla for 100%.

And now I'm thinking it's Pepsi.

And I know Jesse Farrar said it's the year of Pepsi.

JF said it's the decade of Pepsi.

So I really.

But also, can I be fair?

Jesse Farrar is a fucking dip shit.

He's wrong.

Sorry, Jesse.

You're a fucking idiot.

I like the decade of Pepsi theory.

I think it's possible we could be approaching a new era of Pepsi.

And that's sort of like it's time for the underdogs to rise up.

Yeah, like Pepsi's finally going to get their shit together.

I love

the diet wild cherry Pepsi.

i've gotten very big into diet sodas so the fact this is full this feels unleaded to me yeah

uh that's fucking my palate up a little bit because i'm so used to the like aspartame yep so this is kind of the sugar is kind of overpowering me you like the diets over the zeros Well, it depends.

Depends.

It depends.

I'm an A ⁇ W zero sugar guy.

Right.

I like a Coke Zero, actually.

Yeah, I love the zeros.

I can't do the diets anymore.

They taste too science-y to me, but I'm really big on zeros.

Yeah, well, Pepsi, the diet, the cherry diet Pepsi is fucking good as shit.

Okay.

So that's back in the zone for me.

And I think this is a vanilla.

I think,

fuck, is it just vanilla or is it vanilla cherry?

I think it's Coke.

I don't think it's Pepsi.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

So we can differentiate that way.

And I'm almost sure it's Pepsi.

That's, you know, respect, man.

You know, have you have your.

I feel like it's Coke for whatever reason.

We start wrestling?

So shut the fuck up, Mitch.

That would be a nice match.

A bunch of listeners watching beating off.

That is listeners.

I guess you're listening to a technical.

Fuck.

Okay.

You're saying, you're saying Coke, wild cherry,

cherry coke, some sort of cherry coke.

I don't know if it's vanilla or cherry or bolo.

I uh

thank you, Casey, for

chicken cherry cola.

What was that song?

I'm staying a little bit.

Ooh, I don't want you.

That's where it is.

That's it's that's the 90s fucking stupid reference when my brain is mush and I just say a reference to hopefully get a laugh.

Sorry, man, I'm so in the in the Coke zone right now.

I'm not even listening.

I'm so like, I'm like, it wasn't about missing the reference.

I'm just, I'm in the fat, I'm in exactly the fat guy

equations right now where I'm like, is it cherry or vanilla?

I'm going to just go ahead and lock in Coke, cherry vanilla.

Coke, cherry, vanilla.

Man, are you right on Coke?

Because that

now I'm second guessing myself and saying, is he right on the Coke?

But I don't, see, you probably, I don't have full flavor Coke anymore.

So I'm out on, so it might be like, I might be wrong.

I mean,

and I don't drink it as much, nearly as much anymore.

i'm gonna stick with pepsi i'm gonna go wild cherry vanilla pepsi uh is my answer uh mitch your record as of now in the weigher challenge according according to vinode uh who maintains the doughboys wiki 18 14 and 7.

wow winning record i i'm the i'm the adjudicator here and i believe you are closer

And I'm going to say you have won the Weiger Challenge because it is Pepsi, wild cherry, and cream.

Cream!

I actually just looked this up because I was like, is cream and vanilla the same thing or are they different to these brands?

And it did describe it as a mixture of wild cherry Pepsi and vanilla Pepsi.

So I think vanilla and cream are kind of interchangeable.

You getting the Pepsi win.

Yeah, yeah.

But here's the thing: you unlocked it when you said cherry because I was like, what am I tasting there?

And then I think this is a joint twin.

So you're going to make this a tie.

So your record will become 1814.

I don't want it.

You called Pepsi.

You know,

it's tough.

Come on, the Patriots.

Remember all that shit?

You're right.

You know, okay, you're right.

You had Pepsi, I had cherry.

So let's take it together.

A gentleman's draw.

18, 14, and 8.

Just like a restaurant evaluate your feedback.

Let's up to the feedback.

Today's email is from Curtis in Chicago.

Curtis writes: I was in Jamaica a few years ago and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the softest, sweetest bread I've ever had in every piece of the bread.

Or as our listeners are expecting having a PB and jelly.

I was in Jamaica.

I was in Jamaica, ignoring my wife and children, looking for a pastry.

Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Drinking a glass of water.

It was a hard podcast of all times.

I was in sweatpants.

No sun touched me at all.

I was playing fire emblem on Nintendo DS.

I took the switch from my daughter.

I'm in an animal processing tropical island while I was in my hotel room.

I've tried and not has not lived up to the level of greatness that bread reached.

So the sweetest, softest bread on this PBNJ in Jamaica.

Is there a meal or food experience you've had in the past that you've been chasing the high of forever since or has ruined other fast food experiences for you because of how good it was?

Love y'all so much.

The bite I've still never matched.

And I might have to go to, I guess, St.

Louis, which is the place that originated it, but I had toasted raviolis back when I was a kid.

And

they're so fucking, they were so fucking good.

Jack in the Box did a version of them for a time.

And I always think of that as just like, I've never had that exact bite again.

Like, I have the memory of it, and I've never had an equivalent.

I mean, we touched on this earlier, but this is the sad thing of getting older.

It's like you're chasing flavor, like you're chasing old memories of tastes,

which is sad and pathetic, but it is the truth.

And I like, I have so many of these in my head.

I'm trying to think of like the best version, but honestly, even one that just happened, we went to in San Francisco and we went to the,

and I'm in New England.

So this is like blasphemous to say, but we went to Hog Island and we, there was, we, I had one oyster there that I was like, this is a fucking buttery,

a fucking delicious, buttery oyster.

And look, it happened at one of the best places in the, in the world.

So there was a like Abu Court crude or tuna crude or something that we had there that was like that.

It was like one of the best bites I've had in a long time.

There was one oyster there that was just so fucking creamy and delicious.

I was like, yeah, I remember which one it was.

I know what you're talking about.

The Hog Island oysters, those are incredible.

Those are transcendent oysters.

But that did remind me of something else, Mitch.

There was a dish they had there.

I ordered the shrimp and grits.

And that's one I had shrimp and grits at a restaurant called Hominy Grill in Charleston, South Carolina.

Those unfortunately people were.

She did a couple hog noises.

We call her a piggy sometimes because her snorts on like little pig snorts.

The, the, like, it was a, I had shrimp and grits at Hominy Grill in Charleston, South Carolina.

It permanently closed, I believe, during the pandemic.

And I, like, I had it.

It was so fucking good that me and Natalie like went back on the same trip.

And like, we're like, we got to go get that place again.

It was like, it's still the best version of that dish I've had.

Not that I'm the authority on it.

I'm not from the South.

But like when I had it at Hog Island, I was like, this is good, but it's not what I remember.

Oh, interesting.

As good as the rest of that meal was.

But stop, anything coming to mind?

Is there any food you've never like, it's never lived up to your old expectations?

Yeah, I mean, it's tough because there's obviously, if you eat at a great place, you're just going to remember.

But I like the the toasted ravioli because that's such like it's kind of a it's an attainable thing that just slips through your fingers right i kind of like that version of this question a little more because like yeah i've had like insane steak you know i went to japan and like we went to some insane steakhouse and the quality was but you know you can't you're obviously not just going to find that anywhere but i did go i was in north carolina charlotte On one of the worst comedy tours of all time.

I was opening for my friends, Wham City, and they just did like, you know, alt comedy and like, and we were doing shitty burger restaurants and we were like sleeping on floors and shit and charlotte was a horrific show no one showed up but we had a meal that was so fucking good like this barbecue and it was a burnt end that was just like that perfect fat just just

The amount of fat something could have before is disgusting.

Yeah, sure.

But it's delicious.

It's like almost buttery and it's meat and it still feels like it was like these burnt ends.

And I've had them at great, you go, you know, burnt ends are a nice fatty cut.

And, you know, I've gone to Austin, I've gone to wherever places that are famous.

Never had this,

I don't even remember the restaurant.

It's one of those just ethereal.

Maybe if I like looked up the venue and looked up at barbecue restaurants, I'm going back to Charlotte on this tour, actually.

So who knows?

Maybe we'll find it again.

But that one just like escapes me in a way where it's just like, I would love for you to find, I want you to find it.

I mean, you're just saying that makes me be like, I've maybe eaten the best thing I'll ever eat already, which is probably kind of crazy to think about.

That's crazy.

I mean, I've never had that thought.

You maybe did.

You maybe had your best meal already.

Amelia does not think that.

Amelia's got more time left than us.

Our countdown time.

Oh, it's not looking good.

We've got more volume and less time.

More things eaten and less time left.

Probably close to the Jared person countdown.

That is like, there's like plenty of things in my life in my life where I like have you been to Moosecraft here, by the way?

No.

Really good barbecue spot

in LA that I went to recently.

It's really, really good.

But

it's almost just like

this is like an Aesop fable.

You know what I mean?

There's so many things in my mind that I can talk about of John Thomas steakhouse that's shut down, but like having a steak there back in the way in Ithaca and like so many places back home that are just gone that.

But something that I guess specifically to the question that like i just thought of another good one which one did you think of this that place i mentioned nacho this is a place to close down they had a thing called mesa fries and it had a a spice blend that just the company stopped making and there's just no way to get and it was a specific onions and like it was so fucking good but but this is a different back home places shutting down is the saddest thing

just the passage of time is so sad you realize yeah life is there's no going back to anything yeah life is like that mario level where it just you it keeps going forward.

You know what I mean?

Like, it just stays still.

It's continuing to scroll.

Yeah.

Like, and shit from the past is just going to be a bad thing.

You could probably name like six of those levels off the top of his head.

I was thinking tubular right now.

He could keep grabbing P balloons, you know, stay afloat.

But yeah, that's, that's like, definitely like a, yeah,

exactly what you're saying, the conveyor belt of time.

Right.

It's like crushing when you think about it.

We're all in a state of constant decay.

Yeah.

Anyway, that about does it for the step of that.

There are, there are so many back, like but but but specifically to his question this is the best bread and i and i'm like

oh yeah oh did he say bread or just bite no he said bite he was talking fee generally but but like it was that soft if you ever bread memory yeah that was his that was curtis but i'm trying to think of like what is a thing that i then compare to i guess pizza is when we did like the pizza tour or whatever and like and then going to new haven and regina it's like i'll always compare stuff to the best pizza obviously but i don't know i i i have a fast food one i mean people a lot of people talk about the bell beefer from Taco Bell, which I don't have nostalgia for, but a lot of people do.

It's like a sloppy joe with taco meat that they've never brought back.

And I was, I was expecting in the Eras menu at a certain point they do that.

But a pizza hut, my wife and I have talked about this.

Pizza Hut had the Bigfoot pizza.

And that was just like a big

fucking good.

And I think about that a lot.

And I'm surprised they've never attempted that again.

They did a Detroit style.

It was kind of like it, but it was not the same.

Yeah.

Anyway.

God, I have a lot.

I'm thinking so many wings.

So many wings of your things that have passed.

I'm just like, now I'm like, damn, I've had so many nice meals.

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at feedback at birdfuck.com or leave us a voicemail at 830-GODO.

That's 830-463-6844.

Our producer is Emma Erdbrink, our associate producer, Amelia Marino, our supervising video producers, Casey Donahue, and our video editors, Mike Dorfman.

And hey, Doughboys apparel and merchandise is available in partnership with kinshipgoods at kinshipgoods.com slash Doughboys.

You can also subscribe to our Patreon, get the Dough Boys Double or Weekly Bonus episode, plus our entire pre-2018 back catalog at patreon.com slash Doughboys.

Stavros Halkias, thank you so much for being here.

What an absolute joy.

So fun.

I will do this podcast weekly.

It would be a much better podcast.

I remember because we didn't really know, like we started, like when I, when we started Cometown back in the day, it was was around the same time you yeah we were in like a weird wave of guys who all started these should never have been successful but got wildly popular podcasts and and I remember looking at you guys so jealous that you came up with the idea to eat fat at the time 10 years ago i was jealous yeah because i was broke and all i had was fast food not anymore yeah now i'm like oh yeah so like the way you guys you you complain about your fans plus the podcast what the podcast does whereas i just didn't complain about the fans you know what i mean like so so, but at the time, I remember being like, I didn't, I didn't used to not listen because I, this is when I respected podcasting, and I was like, I don't want to take any of their shit, man.

Like, I don't want to steal their like fast food theories.

So, I've started listening, like, actually, earlier this year.

So, it's been fucking, and I've been a fan of you guys outside of it, but it's been so fun to just

have you on.

Anything you'd like to plug?

Yeah, please come by, come see me on the road.

It's a, it's a good, I'm shocked that the tour is going well.

Like, I didn't, I I took a year off of touring and got back to it.

And I'm actually, it's, the shows have been so fun.

They've been great.

I really like this hour of stand-up that I'm doing.

And it's going to be a great show.

And, you know, check out Stobby's World if you haven't.

But yeah, just come see me on the road.

We're, I think, um, uh, I don't know what's coming up, but, you know, I got some dates coming up.

And you heading to Boston anytime soon?

Uh, I haven't announced it.

Free friends out there.

I actually love Boston as a comedy city.

And I, we're, I'm in the process of planning like the, the end of the, like, I'm going to do some some fall dates.

I saved a lot of the East Coast so that I could just fly from or drive from New York.

So I'm working on Boston, I think, for the end of the year.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, man, you might be there.

Don't you take a

two-month sabbatical

holiday sabbatical?

I think it might, it might be in, yeah, fucking come by if you're there, dude.

We'll get some Kelly's.

Yeah, I'll get the Quincy crew out.

That would be great.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

There you go.

Hey, that'll do it for this episode of Dough Boys.

Until next time, let me take that again.

You know what?

Fuck it.

We're done.

Wherever you go,

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That was a head gum podcast.