Chick-fil-A 3 with John Hodgman

This is a head gun podcast.

Want to watch this episode?

Check it out on our YouTube channel by going to youtube.com/slash Doughboys Media.

Mr.

Gecko, you're a huge inspiration to us all.

But who was your muse?

Our dear old Nan.

She would tell me, always remember to be true to yourself and to use that fast and friendly claim support on the Geico app.

I follow her advice to this day.

Get more than just savings, get more with Geico.

As early as the 17th century, Belgian villagers began frying potatoes in the same oil they used for fish, birthing a dish known as frites or fries.

The oily salted tuber strips were wrongly attributed to the French by dumbass Americans and consumed by the fistful by fat ass Americans, often alongside other appropriated national cuisines like hamburgers and hot dogs.

But in 1979, Edgar Matzler reinvented the centuries-old side via his patent for a waffle fry potato cutter.

This novel new potato preparation, with the crunchy soft texture of a fry but the flatter, wider form factor of a chip, if you're a Brit and wondering, what's all this then, replace fry with chip and chip with crisp, was scaled up first in flash frozen form by Lamb Weston in 1983 and more notably by a fried chicken sandwich chain in 1985.

First founded in 1948 by S.

Truitt Cathy and region-locked in the American South for decades, in the 21st century, a national and then international expansion spread its greasy wares worldwide, but also made it a flashpoint of political controversy, self-imposed by its evangelical family ownership's financial support of anti-LGBTQ causes.

Nevertheless, the company boasts the highest per-store sales average of any American fast food chain and by sales as the third largest chain restaurant in the nation.

And despite chicken being forefronted in its name and marketing, with its misspelled Eat More Chicken bovine tagline, the chain's highest-selling item remains, Edgar Matzler's Brainchild, Waffle Fries.

This week on Doughboys, we return to Chick-fil-A.

Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants.

I'm Tiger Weiger, along with my co-hosts, Close Encounters of the Gerd kind,

the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell,

Gerd, GERD.

G-E-R-D.

G-E-R-D.

GERD.

What is it?

Gastrointestinal Reflux Disorder.

It's an acid reflux.

They put E.

Esophageal.

Esophagal.

Oh, that's

a GIT.

Esophageal.

Esophageal.

Gastroesophageal.

That's right.

Gastrointestinal esophageal reflux disorder.

All right.

That's a crazy announcement.

It's not an acronym.

It's just gastroesophageal.

No, it's not.

Gastroesophageal.

I think that's like up here.

Right, intestinal is low enough where that's not bubbling up.

Okay.

Gastroesophageal sounds very high-fallutant.

Gastroesophageal.

Gastroensophile.

Gastroesophageal.

Gastroesophageal.

Very sophisticated.

It sounds very sophisticated.

It's a Fraser word.

It is.

Gastroesophageal.

Yeah, Fraser would have no words.

With the gastro in it, it almost sounds gastronomical.

It does.

You know what I mean?

It does.

Very fitting for our show.

Like this plate,

this charcuterie board is very gastrophage.

Speaking of Frasier, Katie from Seattle sent that in with the message, sorry.

P.S.

My ex-husband got me the Doughboys Patreon as a wedding gift.

That's all the judge needed to hear to grant me an annulment.

Thanks for the laughs

throughout the years.

Been listening since the first app, roast at birdfuck.com.

Wow.

Brutal.

Wow.

Wild if true.

Wait, what was the roast again?

Close encounters of the GERD kind.

The GERD kind.

It could have been like G-E-R-D, like N-E-R-D, you know, that is that character group.

I think Spielberg is on the brain because of the blank check Spielberg miniseries and our appearance on the Spielberg miniseries.

So I think that's probably why that came, the genesis of that.

It was a three-hour episode with Griffin.

That's right.

Yeah.

David was also there.

David was also there.

David was also there.

So you knew.

How did you know?

The 1941 episode?

Or are you talking about

something else?

We're talking about our Doughboys episode.

You did not know that.

No.

Where am I?

What movie are we talking about?

We'll get to it.

Okay.

We'll get in Doctors.

G-E-R-D.

Come on, you nerds.

Yeah, fucking doctors.

Might as well.

Thanks for not going to change the G to a fucking fucking brain.

Fucking nerds.

Yeah, fucking condescending pricks.

I'm drinking some methylene blue.

What is it called?

What's the stuff that RFK was drinking on the plane?

Oh, I don't know the name of it.

yeah methylene methylene blue is that methylene blue yeah it's fish tank cleaner it's used for fish tank cleaner a lot of the time and rfk jr was drinking it on an airplane he was drinking it on an airplane the other way you you were on the text third where it was sent i don't remember so i don't think i watched it

uh hey

His wife's funny.

Here's the thing.

His wife is very funny.

Big fan of his wife as a performer.

I think that

my big thing is like, if he actually is like, let's get these additives out of food,

let's improve the food standards of the American.

I'm just saying, like, there are things.

Everyone's cozying up to the new administration.

Yeah,

there's some good he could do that he's not going to do because the actual regime that appointed him is totally indebted to corporate overlords who don't want to do something like, for instance, if like, here's, here's a thing.

American chocolate sucks compared to Canadian chocolate, which we had as comparison.

It's like way, it's way the fuck better because their standards are higher.

There could be a thing that the FDA is going to say like, hey, to be, to qualify as chocolate, to make a Kit Kat bar, it actually needs to meet the threshold that is used internationally for the amount of cocoa.

It can't have all this high fructose corn syrup to bloat it.

It can't have all these artificial flavors.

He's not going to do that because he's not going to be given the power to do that.

Because if he tries to actually do that, he'll lose his job because that will displease the people.

Yes, who fund the whole campaign.

So, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, it's just,

he's a goblin, but there is some good that could be done if he was allowed to enact some of his principles, not all of them, because some of the shit is truly foul.

Do you ever have a bogglin growing up?

A bogglin?

Yeah.

Do you not remember bogglins?

Do you mean boggle?

No, not boggle.

Bogglins.

What is a bogglin?

Google it.

Just google.

You do it.

You google it.

You know what it is.

Yeah, just explain what it is.

It's a little goblin that you can put your hand in and it was a little kid.

It was like a finger puppet?

No, no.

Yeah, I mean, a hand puppet.

It was a puppet.

And it was called a boglin?

Yeah, it's called a bogglin.

I don't remember this.

They were originally released in 1987.

Wow.

I didn't have one.

Yeah, you're too old for it at that point.

I have a new segment called Mitch's Sleep Score.

Okay, great.

I got a 96 out of 100 last night.

I think that's a solid A.

I want to tell people my sleep score every episode so we can see if a good night's sleep relates to me being funny at all or making any sense.

96 out of 100.

That boglin thing came in at the last 4%, obviously.

Because I don't know what the fuck that was.

I wasn't trying to be funny with Boglins.

I don't even know what is a complete non-sequitur.

You're not even talking.

You're talking about the RFK.

That's in the 96% because I

remembered Boglins from childhood.

Oh, yeah.

Were you just thinking about your childhood?

Why did it even come up?

Always.

What a better time.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know.

It's a good time to be nostalgic.

Remember five months ago?

Hey, can we shout something?

And

this will be belated by the time this episode comes.

Sure.

There's a couple of big birthdays in the family.

First off, the Drop King Robert Bersinger.

DK, happy birthday.

But I'd say, you know, more significant to our immediate company.

You don't have to, well, you don't have to, you don't have to qualify

a more important birthday.

Okay.

Emma Erbrink has

today?

No, on Sunday.

Oh, so it'll be belated by the time this episode comes out.

But HBD Emma.

I appreciate it.

That's wonderful.

You're not a birthday guy.

I feel like you.

I'm not.

I feel like I'm.

I understand other people,

it's like important to other people.

So I try to get a different person.

Well, I feel like I've had to bring up my own birthday in the past.

I know your friend.

I know your birthday.

He has learned over the years that it's a human tradition to acknowledge.

Right.

I am much like Wagger.

Like, I'll maybe get a nice sitter and spoil myself on my birthday, but I'm not having a party or doing anything.

I don't want, I don't, that's not me.

For as I get older, having a gathering is actually like, people are like, it's good that you do this.

It's like the only time I see people in the year.

Yeah.

And then there's also like the layer of like, there are less of us as time passes.

We're not all dying.

all your friends

who's died

and i guess since then since 2000 since i think you have you kind of have that that's what i was just to say like i didn't mean just death but i mean people like kind of you know moved to different move to different places drift out of your life or die there's much less of us this year you're you're acting like it's like the simpsons episode with the the flying hellfish or something

um should we have a doughboys tauntine i i whoever like survives the longest gets the treasure

gets the key to the patreon i like that one i think we should do it with everyone who works for Doughboys.

We should all get a key and a ring.

I mean, it's going to be me, Mr.

Burns, trying to kill you.

Happy birthday, Emma.

I hope you have a great day on Sunday.

And hey, I know your birthday too, little August boy.

That's right.

The day?

What's your birthday?

August 28th.

August 28th.

That's all my parents' birthday anniversary.

Wow.

Yeah, it's easy for me to remember.

Mitch, didn't I make a mistake about your birthday recently?

I think I had your birthday in the middle.

You texted me happy birthday, and and I was like, what are you talking about?

You're right.

You said, fuck you, doctors.

That was weird.

And then you texted, have you ever heard of Boglins?

I don't even know what's happening in the world.

Oh, a Thursday night.

I'm a birthday for Wise this year.

That's fun.

Ooh, are we going to record on Wike's birthday?

No, probably.

He won't care.

That is for sure.

Nick, I'm putting it in

my iCal.

Okay, for our audio listeners, we're all just on our devices now.

You're adding, you're upputting my birthday in your calendar.

You're searching Boglins.

hodgeman is updating his august 28th anniversary of uh nick coming online

and then i am uh binging boglin let's see bing bongs bing bong boglin every kind of creepy the boglins 1g oh yeah these guys are freaks these guys are big time little freaks you kind of interrupted myself well i can i see one i want to see them yeah i'm trying i'm just trying to get a good picture they're kind of cute in the frequency everything everything's so fucking fire these guys yeah there we go yeah you're saying everything's so bad now because those are cool as hell.

No, I more, I just mean like search has gotten so bad.

It's all like, you know, it's all like AI-assisted.

And then also, like, if you're looking, trying to just find an image, it's just even that's a pain in the ass now.

That probably looks like he drank a little too much methylene blue.

There's another one, green guy.

He looks like a turd.

That one.

He does look like a turd.

And how much, like, these fit over your fist?

Oh, yes.

All right.

Mitch, I know you got a drop to play.

Six hours and 38 usage minutes less.

Six hours and 38 usage hours total.

Is that what sleep is called?

Usage

hours.

Usage hours is called sleep now.

Oh, because you're using your device.

Mask seal was good.

Good mask seal, 20 out of 20.

Nice.

Events per hour, 0.9 events per hour, as opposed to 80 that I had before.

An event means you kind of can't breathe properly.

A breathing issue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

Or like if you're sleeping and like

happens, it will mark that too.

The big game.

Stop it.

Say it a third time.

All right.

That's when they come.

That's when they come get you.

That's

shit.

We can replace that with

a verbal.

Here, here, here, here.

We'll just dub this in.

The big game.

Every time he says it.

I'll give you an alt.

The big game.

Yeah.

That's a good alt.

Fuck, use that one, the first one.

Well, you get options, you know, whatever.

Yeah, you do back and forth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or this boglin bowl.

The boglin bowl would be a blast.

Bucklin bowl does sound fun.

Man, I used to be so hyped for the Bud Bowl, which I know we talked about on a Patreon episode.

Back about the Bud Bull shit.

The Bud Bowl should come back.

We spent a whole episode talking about the Bud Bowl.

We did do a Bud Bowl episode, and then on most of it, we were just like, man, we love the Bud Bowl.

And then we realized that we were like being like age seven, being indoctrinated to like a beer brand.

Yeah, exactly.

These animated beers are cool.

I'm going to drink that someday.

The two of you wearing your Joe Camel shirts, smoking cigarettes.

Then you protested Bud Light a few years ago, I know.

They got me back.

One mask on and off.

One mask on off.

What does that mean you involuntarily took it off?

But I don't know how that happens because I never do take it off.

Do you think you roll over and just knock it?

Honestly, I don't.

think so because it's always it's always just it's always just one wally normal do like to play with that's what i'm gonna wonder i wonder if wally Nirma wanted to take it off to give Daddy a kiss.

Maybe that could happen.

I mean, I don't know what happens if they, while I'm sleeping, take my mask off and give me a little kiss, which is cute.

It would be very cute.

It's very cute.

I mean, it would blow my mind if that's what was happening.

Do you have a camera in your room?

You might want to see that.

I have a camera in my room.

Yeah, you should see if those little cats are taking your mask off.

Give you a kiss on the lips.

Time to kiss daddy, meow.

Put that online.

That would be good.

I would watch that.

I have a nest camera in my room to watch the cats.

And then,

and it's like mostly just, I'll look at it sometimes and it'll just be like footage of me coming out of the shower being like,

this is horrible.

See?

Oh, you sent me that once because you could hear it.

Hold on a second.

Time out.

Time out.

I think

time out, Emma.

I have never sent you footage of me coming out of the the shower.

And I can't.

For some reason, we've all been called into human resources.

I don't even know.

We're going to call it the PGA, the Podcast Guild.

Podcast Guild of America, which we, unfortunately,

shares the same name as

what is it?

Yeah, what is it?

The professional golf of

the

Pro Golfers Association of the Producers Guild.

Producers Guild of America.

Oh, they're PGA too.

All right.

Well, it's the PGA for the Podcast Guild.

Please, please.

Penis Guys Associated?

Yeah.

Nick and I are

a PGA member.

Yeah, I'm a life member, too.

I feel like I have to clarify that Mitch sent me a clip from this camera.

Not he wasn't in the clip.

I hate how this podcast has changed me.

I never would have made a penis guys associated.

I used to be sophisticated.

I used to be gastroesophageal.

You know what I mean?

It's true.

I used to be like an intellectual humorist, and now I'm like penis guys associated.

You can't have your come to God moment here with Emma needs to

come.

Oh, God.

Emma needs to

pull a Charlie.

Yes, I did not be like, oh, I'm getting, oops, I got out of the shower.

Sorry about that.

Person worked for me.

It was not that.

Wait, it was like a year ago and you thought on the camera audio you could hear a voice in your house.

And you're like, can you hear this?

And I put it in an audio program to turn it up to see if I could hear a voice in your house.

And it was spooky.

It was definitely spooky.

Mitch was not in the video.

And honestly, the cats weren't either, which pissed me off, but that's besides crap.

So, Emma, since you received that do you do you think you can hack into mitch's house like just so that maybe i can whisper things to him and convince him this is actually haunted this is actually

yeah this coincides with when i was losing my mind yeah it was like a year ago i what this is when i lost my mind and i thought my house was haunted Did I talk about, I talked about that.

You talked about this so much on the pod.

I mean, I lost my mind in the last year.

You sent me on the pod at one point.

That's right.

You did think you were hearing voices.

I'm sorry.

I do remember that.

It was.

I remember.

Sorry to make fun of you.

I don't know.

Look, I'm in a lot.

I'm a much better place.

And I remember.

I mean, I even knew it was Chris.

I told you this before when I was blessing my house with holy water.

And then my next-door neighbor saw me.

And I was like,

this is insane.

What has happened to me?

I have lost my mind.

I've gone insane.

But

that clip is scared.

It is

spooky.

Turned out it was Sports Center.

But still,

it was spooky.

I've been going through stuff I'd never gone through before.

I never to like have to like the two times that's happened to me in my life is one when I had OCD and I was like,

why do I keep having like a recurring thoughts?

It's so called.

And I was like, what is wrong with me?

Intrusive thoughts.

Why is this happening?

And I was, and so that's when I found out about

OCD.

Well, not much later, it used to be, but OCD.

And I like went to the doctor and figured that out.

And then the other time was this time where I was like, I'm like dizzy and I don't know what's happening.

OCD, are you referring to official cum dudes?

Also, members.

Talking about fucking intrusive thoughts.

As memberships getting started, no, it's not clear.

Is come back on the menu, boys?

Come is back on the menu, boys.

We can say it now.

Okay.

I've never wanted to say that word ever in my life, and now I feel like I have to.

I'm sorry, we were talking about.

Cumbeard comes and saves the two little.

I'm now getting into

the moment of Lord of the Rings.

So you called Tree Beard Cumbeard.

Yeah, Cumbeard.

Okay, so I think you're substituting for things.

It's a first draft.

It's great.

I don't know wrong.

You know, like,

if there was a scary movie-type movie, there was Cumbeard, you wouldn't like Cumbeard.

Yeah.

A big thing made out of Cum that saves the hobby.

And instead of like Frodo and Sam-wise, it would be Cumdo and Can and Cumwise.

Yeah.

Okay, I get what you're saying.

Yeah, I get where your head is.

Come wise is pretty good.

Cumdo is a little bit.

I'm not a candy cum.

Yes, there you go.

Come dough is an alt title for this podcast, but cumdo is just a little bit harder.

Anyways, I lost my mind.

Yeah, you were talking about an adverse health event, and I apologize.

No, that's no, no, no.

Please don't apologize.

You have to make light.

Don't you have to laugh.

Don't you laugh, you'll cry, right?

Wise the lesson of 2025 so far, right?

That's right.

But it was a laugh.

A scary that, and I've done much better.

I've been using my, I pushed through, I'm using my CPAP.

I'm uh, you look great.

I'm uh, oh, thank you.

I'm trying, I'm, I'm trying, you know, you look great too.

Thank you so much.

I'm catching a lot of tiger on that thigh.

Boy, oh, boy, not by accident.

Let me tell you,

yeah, go on.

Oh, no, you said that.

I was just thinking of like

a cum Lord of the Rings.

Like

Gandalf the White, a cum would be like at the edge of the bridge against the

not the ballrock, but the ball sack.

The ball sack.

You shall not bust.

Just trying to get him to edge.

And then the ballrock busts and falls.

Oh!

And falls.

Honestly, I give you credit because in my head, I was saying, you shall not come.

And you shall not bust is a great thing.

And maybe she just said you shall not come.

No, I think you shall not bust is great.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

You can't just say come for everything.

That's true.

I mean,

I mean, could, but it gets a little stale.

I mean, you often do.

I'm trying to think of something with my precious, but I don't know, my pre-come.

I don't know.

We can figure out what's going on.

I like that.

It's pretty good.

I like that.

Why?

Why do I like it?

I'm a grown man.

I'm taking Zapbound.

I'm not too.

I've told people on the podcast I'm taking Zepbound, and my insurance isn't covering it.

So I don't know what to do now.

Going out of pocket?

But it's too expensive.

What are you taking?

Zepbound.

I don't know what that is.

Zepbound is one of those class of drugs like a WeGovie or a Ozempic.

It's like a GLP-1 inhibitor,

something or another.

Yeah.

So have you been taking it?

I have.

But now your insurance is saying no more?

My insurance

has denied it.

Yeah, it's said, you look great.

My insurance sent to Texas said, you look great.

We saw you through.

Yeah, we just, yeah, we just saw a video of you in your bedroom that Emma sent us, and you look fun.

And then also

we heard the podcast that you do, and we are now dropping coverage for everything.

I mean, that is probably a part of the issue that I have a fast food podcast, which honestly, it saves me because I would eat so much more of this junk if not.

We have more food on the way.

We didn't say this, but I mean, we should announce this because it's a fun kind kind of emergency.

We do have more food on the way.

We have more food that is coming

right now.

You got to play your drop.

We got to get away.

I'm going to hit him with a hit him with the drop.

Wages me, Matey.

It's time to hit up these landlubbers with a drop.

Fill your ears with this

chrome tab.

Select share tab audio and then share.

Char

dear god.

Smoke it.

Hey, buddy.

From Wiger.

Pirates.

Pirates.

Hey, a little boom from Wiger.

A month of pirate-themed restaurants and other shit on the double.

I'll do anything.

I'll do anything.

I'll do anything to get on the dough boys.

Would you rather spend 12 hours in the ocean in the dark?

Yes.

You know, I can't say no to the dough.

I said yes.

I said yes to the mess.

I wish I had signed an NDA.

Wow.

How to how to Spoon Nation.

Hi, the Pirates Booty episode is really good.

Sincerely, Count Dropula.

Wow.

Thanks for watching.

Count Dropula.

I like that.

To quote MC Hammer, they put me in the mix.

They sure did.

That was very funny.

That was really fun.

NDA reference there.

Nice dick association.

I always love how MC Hammer, when he says, Hammer, Hammer, I am, Hammer, they put me in the mix.

It's like, it's your song.

I'm not surprised.

Wait, what?

What reference?

NDA.

NDA.

NDA.

NDA.

Count pod.

Nine dicks allowed.

I don't know.

Only nine.

I didn't want to say no because that's the opposite of the intention.

Count Dropula.

I don't know what the rules are for a Count Dropula.

I bet you he probably doesn't go in the sun anyways, if I had to guess he's one of our listeners.

Wise,

I feel like listening to that made me upset that I

like I hear the pirate voice.

I'm like, I can do a much better pirate.

Do you want to try it?

I mean, like, do you want me to try to, like, if I was like on a TV show and, like, you have to be like, Yeah, you got cast as a pirate.

You got cast as a pirate.

Well, see, now this is tricky.

Cause, like, because, like, you know, it would be like, like, that is, isn't that like more like a captain hook?

I don't know what I would try.

It depends on what the tone is.

Like, yeah, yeah.

Like, are you thinking like you're in?

Because Pirates of the Caribbean is pretty arch.

That's pretty much like kind of like a, you know, are you in that?

Or are you in something that's a little bit more of a grounded historical take on piracy?

Can you, can you do, can you do one for me?

Just so.

Argy Mateis.

That's pretty good.

Argy.

Like, I think, you know,

like, I think I would just do more guts, a little bit more of a grizzled stuff.

Yeah, that felt like I was half-assed, or maybe I'm just not good at it at all.

It's what I'm finding out.

No, I think you were maybe half-assing it.

It's not always nice to listen to your own voice when it's played back, right?

That's probably part of it, too.

Just to think you were trying to talk yourself through sharing a drop when we were remote.

So, I'm not sure you even anticipated it staying in that point.

Were we remote at that point?

Well, you said share Chrome tab.

So, I think you were trying to share something remotely.

We were still remote in some way.

What might have just been Hodgman was

in New York.

That's probably what it was.

Drops at birdfuck.com, our guest from Judge John Hodgman and Dick Town on Hulu.

John Hodgman.

Hi, Hodge.

Thanks so much for being here.

It's so

nice to be back.

I'm not in New York since

you have to, you're doing this video thing now.

That's right.

I can only come out once a year.

Yep.

See you.

Hey,

it's great for us.

And it's really nice to see you both.

I always enjoy you, but I'm really here for Jemmy.

This is a long time coming.

Jemi is an angel.

So to speak.

Two years have been here, and Jemi was not here.

She's very sweet.

Last time I was really, really mad.

I was mad about it.

She got a wiped down?

Well,

it's wet outside, so she was covered in dirt and mud after her walk.

So she got a wiped down.

She's so soft.

Everything that I hoped for is true.

Jemmy is a very sweet dog and a very smooth dog.

I like smooth fur.

Really smooth.

No offense, long-haired dogs and cats, including my own dumb-dumb cat.

I know you're watching, but

I do love a smooth furred animal.

It's one of them.

It's really nice.

Well, I know I've had a sleepy week.

I think it's because of the weather a little bit.

Sure.

It's wet today.

It's wet.

Yeah.

I like wet LA.

Me too.

We need it.

Yeah.

We need it more than anything.

Okay.

So you're from the East.

Like you live in the East Coast.

Yeah.

That's right.

But you have a connection with Emma, which is that you both have spent time in Maine.

That's true.

And I don't know.

You're Maine.

I mean, I'm really happy you're here, Emma and Jemmy too, but I'm always happy to learn that you're in Maine.

That makes me very jealous, and I'm excited for you.

So here's what I wanted to bring up because Emma is a lobster skeptic.

Although you are a part-time Mainer, it's like it's the insane.

It's insane that you're in the body.

They're real.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, I've seen it.

No, I know they're real.

They just, my mouth doesn't like them.

I don't know what it is.

I don't like the texture of them.

Yeah, they can be trash.

Yeah.

You don't like the butter?

I love butter.

Well, my dad does lobster bakes and stuff with everybody, and he does like a big lobster dinner.

He just gets me a few scallops and he makes me little scallops on the side that I have instead of lobster.

So I'm spoiled rotten.

Look, scallops have nothing to sneeze at.

What you want is that claw meat and that knuckle meat.

Oh, sure.

That tail meat is trash.

I know how to crack it.

It's got a poop tube in it that you don't want to eat.

You clean all that out.

Yeah.

My grandfather used to just go full-blown.

He would eat the

poop tube.

He would eat everything.

He would gastroesophageal tract.

What is the green stuff called?

Tamale.

Tamale.

He'd eat the tamale.

I eat that.

I eat that.

You'd eat the tamale.

Wow.

Which is fucking gnarly.

What's the liver?

It's the organs?

Oh, it's the liver.

It's the liver, and it turns green.

It's truly disgusting looking.

But it is

very tasty.

Yeah, I don't know if I've ever had that, but I've got nothing against awful in general.

Like, I'll eat organ meat.

Why not?

Yeah.

Well, poop tube, you got to you do have to clean out the poop tube, which is.

Yeah, I would not.

I'm not eating shit.

I'm not a fucking animal, but like, I'll, you know, I'll eat the rest of it.

Why not?

There's always with shrimp.

If you go to a restaurant, it's the thing I don't eat.

Oh, you get a shrimp that's not devaned.

It's fucking disgusting.

Get this out of here.

Yeah.

But

lobster is often.

And it happens way more than you would think.

Does it make you you sick, though?

I think, I mean, I don't think it's

certainly can taste terrible, but I think it's like, yeah, it's not a thing you should be eating.

I think if it's been boiled, it's probably

not going to be the end of the world, but like it's.

It's little shrimp shits.

It's disgusting.

Shrimp shits.

Yeah.

Shrimp shits.

Shrimp shits.

Shrimp shits.

Shrimp shit.

Nasty.

Yeah, I'll take a bag of shrimp.

Leave out the shits, folks.

That's what you have to say in some restaurants.

What is your favorite seafood?

Is it lobster?

I mean, my favorite seafood is probably fried clams oh yeah that's a lot of fun

and i really like whole belly clams which is you know not just the strips but it's got the gunk in it i like gunk like i'll eat gunk yeah i'm in i'm down for you know what i mean mitch is pointing is gesturing at me because you took me to get some fried clams in quinse massachusetts a lot of fun oh where'd you go the clam box or the other one it's i think it was the other one right we tony's i think we actually went to both didn't we did we go to both i remember tony's I used to go there with my mom and dad when I was a kid.

Did you really?

Oh, my mom loved fried clams.

We would go out to Quincy on the the beach there.

I can't remember which one we would go to, though.

There's two, Tony's, right?

And the Clambox.

I think Clambox is more famous.

Yeah.

And then I think Tony's is maybe better.

I forget what the, I forget the two.

I remember being taken to Tony's.

It's possible we went to both places.

I remember going with Mookie.

That was the

nice lobster roll, too, did we not?

Had a lovely time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My mom is no longer alive.

I miss her a lot.

She could put away a lot of fried clams.

I really learned.

I learned at the knee of a champion.

I love it.

Yeah.

That's my, my, my, mom and sister.

My sister

was a huge oyster fan and then like loved oysters.

Yeah.

That has hemochromatosis, can't eat oysters anymore.

Oh, no.

Like your face.

Imagine if they were like, you got, Mitch, you got, you know, pizza chromatosis or something, and I couldn't eat.

I mean, I guess it doesn't, that isn't a one-to-one in many ways.

Like, it's not called, you know, oyster chromatosis, but you get what I'm saying.

You can't eat pizza anymore.

I would be like, I would be devastated.

Some egghead doctor tells you you can't eat pizza anymore.

I know one of those assholes.

Yeah.

I would be fucking panting.

I would be fucking bullshit.

But she can't, she can't.

That's rough.

She can have cooked oysters.

She can't have

the raw ones are dangerous.

I do love raw oysters.

That's another seafood that I really enjoy.

They are.

We mentioned this a few episodes back, but we were in San Francisco for Sketchfest, which you also were up there for.

I was there.

Judge Sean Hodgman, yep.

And while we were up there, we took a little side trip

after the show to have a meal.

Did you go to Hog Island?

We went to Hog Island, and we had a lot of oysters.

It was wonderful.

Was it the ferry terminal?

It was the ferry terminal.

Was Jordan Morris there?

Jordan was there.

I don't know how about that.

Was Shankton there?

Shanktt was also there.

100% guessing right now.

It's incredible.

I was a late seafood starter.

When I was young, I'd eat lots of people.

I was too.

As a kid, even though growing up near the ocean, like you, growing up on the coastal climate, and seafood is an abundance, but I just thought it was like weird and like as daring as I would get would be salmon, but it would have to be drenched in some sort of sauce.

I'm not talking about something that was fried, fried is like a different thing, you know.

Like, oh, I love fish

or fried shrimp or whatever, but like seafood not in that form where it's covered with some sort of batter.

Yeah, I was a little skeptical of for I wonder.

This is me being like, I wasn't, I wasn't that daring, but then I'm sure like comparatively it's pretty good because I was fish, shrimp, scallops, and when you get shrimp, do you get the shits in or the shits off?

Shit's out, shit's out, shit's off, shit's out shrimp, shit's out, shit's out shrimp, uh, uh, scallops, lobster, and then

like baked clam, like clam, like a

stuffed stuffed clam.

Stuttering there, barrel.

Yeah, stuffies.

Rhode Island-style stuffies are very delicious.

Yeah, from Berke Seafood, greats.

They have great

stuffed clams.

Yeah, and because you can't taste the clams, basically.

Yeah.

They put so much linguisa in there and stuff.

Like that, that Portuguese style stuffed clam where they put in the spicy sausage.

Yeah, that's very good.

And clam chowder.

But I would not do, when I was younger, I would not do, I was afraid to do uh oysters and i was afraid to do mussels it was that i wasn't until

having oysters yeah my mom loved fried clams my dad loves fried oysters he also loves raw oysters and i love my dad happy 80th birthday dad but i will say this i'll put you on blast for this hbd when we go out for oysters dad please stop asking the waiter which are your largest oysters because i'm about to throw up

Large oysters are not better than small oysters.

Large oysters.

Let me give this to all these cameras.

Dad, dad, dad, small oysters are better.

Large oysters are disgusting.

Sorry.

And he will be watching, just like your cat.

Yeah, he's watching with me.

He's cat sitting around.

I mean, yeah.

If the oyster is too big, I'm with you.

I don't know if you can get it.

It just gets a little bit.

I don't mind a chew.

You know what I mean?

I don't need to swallow it straight down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't mind it having a little meat on its non-bones, right?

Yeah.

But like a big honking, the ones we get in New York are from Long Island.

I don't want to say the name because I don't want to, maybe people like that.

People they like that's a Judge Shenhutton rule.

Right.

But I don't like it.

And I don't like you, people who like this stuff.

Fried clams, when I was younger, also, I couldn't do those.

It wasn't until a little bit later.

But

the texture, I think it was, I mean, all three of those things that I just mentioned are big time texture issues.

Mussels,

oysters, and

clams, fried clams.

Weirdly, my way into eating anything raw was sushi, which I was like, for whatever reason, sushi, I was like, oh, that's like a different thing.

And then later on I was like, wait, this is just raw fish.

I can have raw, you know, I can have a crude oh, I can have a ceviche or whatever, what have you.

You know, I can have oysters.

But yeah,

hey, I'll hit up the raw bar.

I like it.

I like, I like anything.

I like sushi.

I like oysters.

I like it raw and wriggling.

Hell yeah.

To quote gollum, excuse me, goll calm.

When you say you hit up the raw bar, you mean like a physical bar that has nothing to do with seafood.

All right, you're on tour right now.

That's part of the reason you're in LA.

You're going around.

You're doing judgment.

By the time this comes out, the tour will be over.

The tour will be over.

But you're currently on tour.

And so my question for you is, as a tour, because this is the thing, I don't like traveling.

As a tour,

as it were.

As a toure, I don't like traveling.

I certainly like,

you know, it's a whole thing for me.

Traveling for work is a whole extra level of stress.

What do you do like food-wise when you're going like I'm getting on planes, I'm getting on trains, I'm going to different cities?

Food-wise, are you not talking about a food Lord of the Rings or something?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Food-wise.

Sorry.

Food-wise, hamgey,

if you will.

Food-wise.

I like food-wise, hamgye.

Fro dough.

Oh, shit.

It's right there in the name.

Fried dough.

Now we're getting into some mad magazine shit.

Bring it back.

Fried dough.

Bring it back.

Bring back mad.

Bring back the mad.

What do I do on the road to eat?

I was just real quick.

They're trying to throw the one onion ring into Mount Doom.

Okay, keep going.

And Mount Doom is filled with marinara sauce.

Yeah, yeah.

For an onion ring?

Would you dip an onion ring in marinaro?

Look, have I done that in appetizer sample platter?

I have.

Yes.

Yeah.

And you know what?

It's not great.

Like, it's not, it's not totally foreign from dripping a mozzarella stick into.

It's the same sort of texture usually, but yeah, it doesn't work as well as like one of those.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it works.

Since I'm doing

the full tour, the full parental tour.

Yeah.

I won't name names, but there's a mother-in-law in my life

uh and i know you're watching gwen hello hello hello

and you'll remember this at the fishnet in blue hill they have very very good thin onion rings

and i watched as my mother-in-law put an onion ring a single onion ring on a napkin took a ketchup uh packet delicately squirted ketchup all the way around,

then salted it all the way around, and then ate it with a knife and fork.

That's repeat, repeat, repeat.

I kind of love it.

It was incredible.

It was incredible.

And I've had an onion.

I was like, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Yeah.

And it's like, and I was looking to my wife who's a whole human being in her own right, going like, are you even seeing this?

She goes, I know.

She raised me.

I know who she is.

And yet I've had it since then.

Yeah.

And

I like it.

It's really good.

Wow.

A little ketchup,

a thin band of ketchup, extra salt eat with a knife and fork it's very sophisticated it is that's gastroesphage gastroesophageal level um i

i don't know if i would love that if it would drive me insane but i will say this yeah

how about them new england onion rings i know that he's gonna say that i'm territorial or whatever and that is funny you know i'm i'm naturally inclined to side with you yes as we are both children of New England.

Okay, well, I don't know

what the fuck you're talking about.

Okay, now I've never heard of it.

What's a New England onion ring?

Right, Anna.

That's from New England.

Yeah.

If you get a big thing of fish and chips

and they give you that.

That's in England, not New England.

Fish and chips is an English thing.

I don't fucking deal with those traitors.

I don't like the...

I don't like...

We're the traitors.

I mean, say what you want

about

the death and destruction.

You're talking about me, the Irish.

By the colonization of the English.

I'm an Irish boy overall.

I hate the Brits still.

Okay, but they're not traitors.

They're monsters.

I don't want to say monsters.

Some of them are very nice.

I'll still toss tea in the fucking harbor from time to time if I'm up for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

I understand what you're saying, but it's just, you know, canonically, in the narrative, the United States are the traitors.

You're a traitor right now because.

You don't know what I'm talking about, and it's getting me mad.

About the New England-style onion.

Onion rings.

If you get a fish and chips there, they're just the lightly breaded onion rings that are

thin.

Yes.

I

know they can be everywhere.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

I don't know if they're regionally specific.

They're gonna have a string ones where they're like super, super thin.

Well, there's also those too, okay?

Yes, because, like, no one wants an onion ring with too much batter.

That's just that, you know, like I think what you're talking about is just like a well-made onion ring.

Have you had onion rings in like a fish and chips, like you'll get an onion ring?

Have you had them like that out here?

If you go to no, you haven't.

If you haven't, well, I don't know.

I've not ordered onion rings in LA, so I didn't know that there that was a New England style.

Should we go get some?

We have food flying in.

We don't need to go get on your right.

But I mean, you know, like in New York City,

which, I mean, talk about traders.

I moved from Boston to New York City.

I felt like such a traitor when I finally moved.

Did you do comedy in Boston?

No.

I have never done comedy

to this day.

Yeah.

Arguably.

But I certainly was never a stand-up or anything.

Yeah.

I mean,

yeah.

And I, you know, I went from Brookline, not even Boston, to college.

Brookline to Brooklyn.

That's right.

Brookline to Brooklyn.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm very narrow-minded.

But when I moved to New York, Brooklyn, what's that?

Huh?

Brooklyn?

What's going on?

What'd you say?

No, no, you know, just wondering if there's a pattern here.

They're going to Brooklyn next.

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn.

Brookline to Brooklyn to Brooklyn.

But the

broke my head.

The shit-eating grin that you're giving right now

suggests that there's a level to your joke that is more than just wordplay.

No.

Online, Brooklyn, Brooklyn.

Is there a

person?

Is there some cum-related aspect?

No, he's just noticing a pattern.

He just noticed a pattern.

He's noticing the pattern.

I'm sticking up for you for your.

Help me here.

What is your favorite chicken preparation?

Emma, you know what town I live in in Maine?

No, I don't.

You have to bleep this out.

Okay.

Just put in the big game when I say it.

Okay.

The big game.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Our reactions aren't going to help.

I think people will figure it out.

People already know.

Brooklyn, Maine.

The big game.

The big game, Maine.

That's where I live.

That's my town.

I spent New Year's up in Maine.

Yeah.

Where'd you go?

Thanks for calling.

I was there.

I'll look around.

Wait, was this past year?

This past New Year's?

This past New Year's?

You were in Maine.

New Year's 2024 into 2025.

That's the year that we're in.

How about that?

I was there.

I was in Maine.

What were you doing up there?

Me?

I was...

Hanging with some friends?

Turning his phone off, apparently.

I guess it's a whole state.

You weren't necessarily in the same part of it.

It's a huge state.

It's a very big state.

I'm at Baby Scoop, Scoop's Baby.

Wonderful.

And yeah, it was great.

It was a great time.

We all hung out.

Where were you?

I told you where

I'm trying to figure that out.

You don't remember?

I don't remember, which is bad.

Here's the thing about lobster, Emma.

Yeah.

It's easily overcooked and then it gets rubbery.

Yeah.

So I'm not saying your dad's doing it wrong, but he's probably not doing it wrong.

No, no, he, he, people

come to get his lobster like from everywhere.

Like family members fly out just for it.

I just don't like it.

I've tried it every year and every time someone or a lobster gets lobster, I try a bite.

Just maybe it's no, it's just not for me.

Yeah, we've had lot, we've been in context where there was very good lobster available and Emma is not

for me.

Not for me.

Oh, so the new in New York, the onion ring is very different from New England, I would say for sure, because it's not thin.

It's a thick cut thing.

And one thing I don't like, and the batter separates from the onion ring.

So you take a bite.

And that drives me nuts.

And you just have like a shell of fry.

Yeah, that's a nightmare.

Fucking molten hot piece of onion dripping out of your mouth.

Yeah, horrible.

And you know what they do in a New York diner, if there even are any anymore, but they would put one of those onion rings on top of your burger when they serve it.

See, I do think that's fun.

Like I like anything like a stray onion ring.

Right.

Oh, you like a stray onion ring?

Yeah, or like

on top of the burger or, yeah, or yeah, I've got an order of fries.

I'm like, hey, there's an onion ring in there.

Why not?

And it's not necessarily to be eaten on the burger no it's just kind of there it's like an amuse bouche yeah i like or like burn the out of your bouche

yeah bouche is french for uh mouth oh is that true so you amuse your mouth you amuse your mouth this is a little mouth amuser for you that's very fun sounds disgusting and often is sorry wax is a mouth amuser in many ways too all right oh we've got a bridged main

bridgeton bridgeton main bridgeton main bridgeton maine you're up there in bridgedon Did you have a nice time?

I had a blast.

I'm glad to hear it.

It was a great time.

We're talking Chick-fil-A today.

Before we get into Chick-fil-A proper, I'm curious about your general chicken preferences.

Where do you stand on fried chicken?

Where do you stand on a fried chicken sandwich?

I'm very pro-fried chicken.

Hope you don't stand on top of it.

Am I right?

Okay.

I'm very pro-fried chicken.

Thanks for taking the heat off me for that Brooklyn thing.

I defended you on the Brooklyn thing.

I know, I know.

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn.

Isn't it good that he doesn't stand on top of it?

Yeah,

I agree.

And

I am very into

fried chicken on the bone.

Yes.

So

I don't love a tender.

I'm okay with attendee, but I prefer it on the bone.

Yeah.

He says tendy.

I know that he says tendy.

This whole podcast has taken over my whole life and career.

I don't know how I'm going to get rid of this curse.

I know all the links.

I spent, I think, frankly, days

trying to explain to my family

why I laughed so hard when you did your Nasferatu impression.

And Amelia said, is that Jimmy Carter?

Truly.

And

I think I emailed you after.

I remember the email, yeah.

It was after, I know that it was after Christmas because I had gotten uh headphones for that you can use underwater so i was swimming with my headphones and listening to the podcast very cool gadget that's cool and but the the danger is i almost died because if you laugh too hard underwater you're gonna aspirate a bunch of pool water or whatever and i've been i i went through i i went to my wife i went to our adult son i went to our adult daughter i'm like okay here's the thing amelia is a little younger so the joke is premised on this i've never been more isolated from my family in my life they don't talk to me anymore.

You are now my family.

So, yes, I know he calls them tendies.

Thank you.

But sometimes the tendies aren't very tendy.

It's true.

Sometimes they're a little chewy.

Yeah, they are.

I'm worried about, you know, aquatic life now that our podcast can be played underwater.

I'm just picturing a bunch of fish floating to the surface.

Well, there are no fish in the pool at the YMC.

Okay.

All right.

That's fine.

But there are some elderly people who you can see are making a decision to

go no further and just drift to the bottom.

They're hearing it and they're like, yeah, I guess

this is the world.

This is the world now.

I no longer have a place in it.

I'm just going to.

What do you think is worse for whales, the wind turbines or the Doughboys podcast underwater?

It's a good question.

And I love fried.

So I love fried chicken.

I love a fried chicken sandwich.

Hell yeah.

Even though that is boneless.

What's your favorite fried chicken sandwich you've ever had?

My favorite fried

chicken sandwich I ever had.

Well, I don't know what my answer is.

I didn't even think on that.

Well, it's a hard, it's look, look, Holland Ray's is like a great fried chicken sandwich.

It's a great fried chicken sandwich they have.

I'm like, is that the best one I ever had ever?

You know what I really liked?

Remember Plan Check?

I was going to say Plan Check, Mitch, or R.I.P.

That was a nice little small chain in L.A.

And yeah, it was a fun gastro pub that had.

It maybe still exists in some capacity.

Is there like one Plancheck still kicking around?

I think so.

I think a lot of the locations have closed.

There's a new, relatively new chain in New York City called Sweet Chick.

Sweet Chick, yes.

We did it.

Yeah, we had Sweet Chick.

Without Tammy, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our daughter in the chat.

We had a plan check on Sautelle still.

Oh, that one's still around.

Okay.

And they do a Nashville hot chicken, fried chicken sandwich that I really enjoy a lot.

Wow.

Well, guess what?

There's more chicken is here.

Amelia just walked in.

More chicken.

I'm also a fan of more chicken.

Yeah, I'm into more chicken in general.

I like to get, but I like the fried chicken at the shell station at the intersection of Route 1 and Route 15 in Orlando, Maine.

What?

What is Orlando?

The Shell station has, because sometimes you'll run across a gas station that has sneaky, like very good food.

Yeah.

That's one, that's one.

That is one.

If you're on Route 1 and you're at the intersection of Route 1 and Route 15, the Shell Station, they have good fried chicken.

That's how KFCC make it there.

That's how KFC started.

It was a gas station outside.

It used to be a Chester's chicken.

Oh, okay.

Which is sort of a brand.

Yeah.

But I noticed that it's not branded Chester's anymore, but they still make really good fried chicken.

And they have tenders and they have on-the-bone fried chicken, and it's pretty delightful.

I think.

Does the shell station have pasta?

Sorry, Mitch is just joking around.

That's a great joke.

I really am.

Mitch is messing around.

I'm just, I'm bathing in it.

I have a serious question, though.

The shell station, does it serve turtle soup?

So we just, I guess, combined, we want to know: does the cell station have pasta or turtle soup?

Does it have pasta or turtle soup?

Yeah.

I mean, I feel like turtle soup is probably rare to have a gas station.

No, but they sell, uh, you can get hermit crabs there.

All right.

Wow.

Wow, a new

gas station-s cargo.

It's a gastroesophageal gas station.

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That's rocketmoney.com/slash doughboys.

Rocketmoney.com/slash doughboys.

All right, this is well timed.

I'm waving her in as Amelia has just entered the picture.

Don't tell her how

Emma opened the door.

You have no problem with your wave.

I know, but if people on the camera were seeing me wave, that was what I was referencing, Mitch.

Emma opened the door for Amelia, who has brought us some additional Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A is what we were reviewing this week.

Chick-fil-A was founded in 1946 in Hapeville, Georgia, by S.

Truitt Kathy.

The business remains privately owned by the Catholic Church.

Did you you say the name of the town was Hateful?

Hapeville.

Oh, Hapeville.

Hapeville.

Hateful, Georgia.

Georgia.

It's kind of like a fit.

Sounds like it would exist.

Would be fitting.

Would be fitting.

In the context of.

Well.

Yes.

This Chick-fil-A, like Bud Light that was mentioned previously,

has been a political flashpoint.

Chick-fil-A sauce was not invented in Down Delano.

Oh my God, you have some.

1983.

1983, the famous Chick-fil-A sauce was not invented.

Until 40 years of its existence at a Virginia location.

Among American chain restaurants, it is third in sales with $21.6 billion.

Wow.

But only 19th in number of locations.

So its per-store average is insane.

Very high.

Through the roof.

Originally reviewed back in 2017 with our friend Noel Wells, Mitch, just outside of the Golden Plate Club.

And like last week.

Like the last time we reviewed it, huh?

Yeah.

And like last week's Chuck E.

Cheese with Griffin Newman.

This is a major chain that we have not formally revisited in eight plus years.

So the big development since the last week.

2017 was the first year I was ever on the Doughboys.

That's wild to think about.

That's it.

RB's, and that's when things really started to spiral down the drain.

Down Mitch's shower drain for me.

See, that's another reference.

It's another reference to the show.

I can't get it out of my head.

Thank you, thank you so much, Amelia.

Amelia, why don't you come?

Why don't you come in here for a second?

Did when Chick-fil-A did not include Wyger's fries, did it look like he was going to cry?

I saw a tear run down his leg.

Here's the thing:

Did you say down his leg?

Did you say down his leg?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm choking to death underwater again.

Jesus Christ.

Remind me.

Remind me not to listen to this one while I'm swimming in the pool.

He did.

Also, by the way, he did spill milkshake on his leg.

I did spill like a whole bunch of milkshake on my leg.

The Weiger Tiger is crying.

The thigh tiger.

The thigh tiger.

And I said, you've seen that before what happened.

Yeah.

It was a pretty good moment for me.

But this was a pretty good moment for you.

All right.

Amelia.

Thank you, Amelia.

That's amazing.

We sent you over there because, but, like, we, like, here's the issue.

Chick-fil-A did not include our fries.

I've never had Chick-fil-A mess up an order before.

They're usually very good about it, but this was one instance where they didn't get it.

So we're like, the fries are a key part of the experience.

Hodgman, you've never had Chick-fil-A.

So that's why we made this dish order.

And we got a few additions.

It seems like they forgot a couple of Americans.

They forgot a couple of different.

Thank you, Amelia.

Thank you, Amelia.

Didn't they forget your stuff too?

Yeah,

they forgot one packet of nuggets, which ended up being completely fine.

But then they forgot all the fries, too.

So.

I feel like the fries are a crucial part of the Chick-fil-A experience.

So if you've never had it before, you really got to get the fries.

Although, I don't know if this is true.

Someone said to me recently that they changed their fries in the recent past, so they're different.

I don't know if that's Chick-fil-A or someone else, but Casey, I wonder if you can speak to that because you are the son of the South in the room.

I did not grow up with Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A did not.

Also, do you want that title?

Son of the South?

That's

pretty cool.

Come to you live from hateful Georgia, the Son of the South himself.

Casey, the Son of the South.

The Lanesman.

Do you remember Chick-fil-A fries being different when we were younger in Florida?

I mean, not so much.

Here's a modern one.

I can pair if you want.

Now, these.

I don't really see a difference.

For those not watching how they used to be on YouTube.

They're still waffles.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd rather you not ever see me.

But also, these are a waffle fry.

They're a waffle fry.

Wouldn't you say this is a waffle fry?

100%.

And is this traditional?

This is the waffle approach to fry.

Yeah, this is how they come.

They do have a thing on their menu that says that they recently

changed their recipe slightly to accommodate more allergens.

Interesting.

Or lack of allergens.

It's not waffled.

It's not fully waffled, but I'm very using it as a sauce delivery.

I actually did like these more than I remembered.

They're pretty fresh.

They're fine.

Could they use a little bit more seasoning?

Sure.

But I do think, like, you're saucing these bad boys, so I think it's okay.

I really like the Christmas of them.

I really like the waffle colour.

I mean, I mean, the sauce really does taste like 1983.

It does.

It's an incredible flavor throwback.

100%.

And I'm trying to place what the flavors are in that sauce.

I had the components of it.

I can look them up.

Yeah.

It's kind of like a, you know,

it's some sort of aioli.

I'll get these that component.

This is bad news because this shake is fantastic.

Which one are you having?

I just had a cookies and cream shake.

Judge John Hodgman, please.

Are we just sharing the straw?

I'm fine with that.

Me too.

All All right, here we go.

To us.

To us.

I have neurovirus.

Nobody looks so great.

That's a

pretty good shake.

And I.

I hate to say this on the podcast, but it's very creamy.

Interesting to say.

It is extremely creamy.

Like, it's not just vanilla notes,

which is a flavor that I love, but it's got, I mean, I feel like you can taste like cookies and cream, they don't say it, but it's supposed to be Oreos crunched up in there, right?

Right.

And I feel like I'm getting this Oreos stuff flavor coming.

Customers over?

Yeah.

We're all going to go down together, I guess.

Chick-fil-A sauce.

This is from Chick-fil-A Inc.

This is from their official Twitter.

Chick-fil-A is a magical blend of honey, mustard, barbecue, and ranch sauces.

It's kind of like all dressed as a sauce.

I got paper from the strawberry.

Yeah, I found a dupe recipe that's mayo, mustard, lemon juice, barbecue sauce.

That's an excellent shake.

That's really good.

It's good.

You want to.

I think we're.

I'm going to give them this.

So as the sauce is not being circulated.

This is what?

Here,

give me a napkin wise.

Yeah.

So as the sauce is being circulated, just to add a little bit more context to the Kathy family.

So the Kathys are...

devout Southern Baptists.

And this is where the controversy came from because, you know, they had made some large donations to organizations that opposed same-sex marriage.

Right.

This became a big thing.

I don't know.

I'd forgotten this whole, the whole like Mike Huckabee side of it, where there was like, there was like, you know, Mike Huckabee declaring national sucker weighed in to get some attention for himself.

Yeah.

And it's just like, it's one of those things, like, oh, yeah, this was just the 10 years ago dumber version, or I guess less dumb version of what our politics is now, where like, like, whatever, whatever, you know, compared to what it is now, that was practically gastroesophageal.

It was kind of quaint almost intellectual, but, but it was this, it was sort of the setting, the thing of like, you're, you're signaling, you know, your politics by your purchases, you know, and so like, like, by having corporate allegiance to Chick-fil-A or by saying, I will never eat Chick-fil-A, you're making some sort of political statement.

And that's just, that's basically what everything is.

I have never eaten Chick-fil-A.

That's true.

For that reason.

Is that really true?

Yes.

Wow.

I've never set foot in one.

I would travel 10 years ago, I was touring more.

Yeah.

And

many a person would say,

I would be traveling with or whatever would say, let's go to Chick-fil-A, whether you want to the airport, let's stop there because it's supposed to be the most delicious chicken sandwich of all time.

And I was like, I just can't go there because of their stance on same-sex marriage.

Right.

And

it was, and also like, I don't need to eat that food.

You know, it was just maybe, it was, uh, it was

maybe a little bit of virtue signaling of convenience, but I just don't.

want to go in there.

And I never have, and I've never ordered from there.

And so this is a very transgressive day for me to do.

So here's the question, because we threw threw a few options at you.

So we can cover this, this, this, or this.

And

you chose Chick-fil-A.

Right.

Like, why?

Did you choose it partly because of the novelty?

Partly because you never had it?

Yeah, because everyone has told me it's the greatest chicken sandwich of all time.

Wow.

And I've always been very Chick-fil-A curious.

And yet I had always held this line.

And I'm breaking, I'm crossing the line for the Dough Boys.

for you and with you today.

I love this.

Because I wanted to see what it was all about.

And obviously the Dough Boys has eroded my standards in so many ways

in how I think and act and look.

I figured, why not?

And I still have not set foot in one.

You had it delivered here.

There was the option to go to one.

I'm happier to just hang out with you here.

And

yes, I tasted it for the very first time.

I'm going to have a simist chocolate chick, but the big development since the last time.

I'm no longer a Chick-fil-A heterosexual virgin.

Wow.

Wow.

The last time we had...

We had a chick-a-heterosexual virgin.

Since the last time we had, we reviewed Chick-fil-A, the big development is the emergence of the Popeyes chicken sandwich, which I think is fantastic.

Have you had the Popeyes chicken sandwich?

I have had the Popeyes chicken sandwich.

And in fact,

for a Judge John Hodgman online thing, we did a blindfold taste test of a bunch of similar foods.

Yes.

Battle of the Brands.

And it was basically a Doughboys rip-off.

I'll just say it right now.

It's pretty obvious.

We're not doing anything original.

Well, anyway, it's the most successful thing we've ever done on Judge John Hodgman.

People just, it's all about the food.

People just like seeing people eat food.

In any case, yes, Blindfolded chose the Popeyes over the TFC quickly.

Yeah.

And then I devoured that whole sandwich without ever looking at it.

It's really, it was really, really good.

It's really, really yummy.

And I do think, I know Casey, son of the South, the lanesman, will definitely disagree here, but I do think the Popeyes chicken sandwich is superior to the Chick-fil-A sandwich.

I agree.

But I like the Chick-fil-A sandwich.

That is not a criticism of the Chick-fil-A sandwich.

That is praise of the execution of Southeast version.

I liked my Chick-fil-A sandwich today, which was a brand new sandwich.

Yes.

But I also say, I think on the show, we said that Chick-fil-A is banned.

We've done this like a moment.

Do we really?

I hate Chick-fil-A too for their stance on

gay marriage.

I think that they're a shitty corporation.

We talked about it.

I don't know.

I mean,

it's one of those things where I think the people who own it

have shitty politics.

Ghouls, you could say.

Yeah,

boglins, if you will.

That's an insult insult to boglins.

But I also think there's an element of if you work for the company, my understanding is like, you know, the pay is pretty good relative to other jobs in the fast food sector.

And I do feel like service is very good when you go to these restaurants.

And I do think, you know, so it's like,

I don't know.

I mean, all these companies are run by like monsters.

It's, it's hard.

Like, like,

and Andy Puzder, who was a complete piece of shit, who was the CEO of Carl, of CKE, CKE, Carl's Jr.

Hardy's, is now the ambassador to the EU.

He was a guy who was such a piece of shit that he couldn't get confirmed as the secretary of labor under his first.

Yeah, that's the Carl Karcher Enterprises.

That's the name of the parent corporation of Carl's Jr.

Hardy.

Cum Kings Extraordinaire?

Cum Kings Extraordinaires.

Yeah, sorry, I had it wrong.

Oh, man, I would love to be a Cum King Extraordinaire.

I don't think I can make it to that level.

Speaking of,

I just want to apologize again to my cat and my dad who are watching together.

I was not eating Carls Jr.

for the years where he was in charge of this company, this guy who has all sorts of horrible allegations against him and who treated his employees like shit.

It's just like, it's just

the cliche, and I hate to repeat it because it's so unoriginal.

There's no ethical

consumption under capitalism, and that's just where we find ourselves.

So it's wherever you're going to draw your own lines.

For me, I always text Wag and I say, I say, what's your capitalism line again?

Because I forget it, but I try to tell people.

See you why you're getting a rigorous thing.

There is no ethical consumption under

capitalism.

I'm telling the music.

Your Robert Kraft's massage parlor.

No ethical consumption under capitalism.

The lady's like, yeah, I know.

Thanks.

Look,

we've said that we weren't going to go to Wendy's again because of the tomato thing.

We're just wrong.

It was like they were using, like, they like used like shit, like they like.

try to get cheaper tomatoes or something.

There was like some bullshit.

I don't remember us banning ourselves from Wendy's, but I know that that's like tomatoes have have been a whole thing.

I remember when I was in college, Taco Battle the whole thing with their tomato sourcing, and they were sourcing it for a bunch of people.

Oh, unethical sourcing of that tomato.

I think that we said that we were done with Chick-fil-A, but also, you know what?

Whatever.

This is the, it is.

It's.

We're just, everyone's tired.

We're all just tired.

As a society, we're tired.

What the fuck are we supposed to do?

Yeah.

Look, we lost.

We lost big time.

We lost.

Took a big L.

Obviously.

We're back at Chick-fil-A.

Obviously, our incredible principled stand to not go to the Chick-fil-A in the airport did not halt the creeping theocracy of evangelism in this country.

Didn't work.

Turns out our invisible little imaginary lines in the sand don't bother anyone.

Yes.

Yes.

And so, anyway.

I'm going to regroup, refigure things out again.

But

I'll give this to Puzzder.

The boobs and butts are back at Carls Jr.

I don't know if you knew this, but there's

the TNA campaign.

No,

in Trump's America.

America made great again.

We did it.

So did a.

I'll talk on this real quick.

I did a side quest earlier this week and went on my own to Chick-fil-A because I was like, I haven't had it in a while.

We haven't reviewed on the podcast for a while.

I want to make sure because I want to try the seasonal item, which we'll talk about today, but I wanted to get another one where I was getting more their classic execution.

I did go with a spicy chicken sandwich because I'm a bit of a heat seeker.

Casey, I believe that's what you got today, correct?

Yeah.

Is that your normal order?

Yeah, spicy chicken.

Yeah.

And here's one thing.

Just the regular spicy chicken.

So just the chicken sauce and pickles.

Yes.

And it's the breaded patty as opposed to the breaded breast as opposed to the grilled one, which we had with today's sandwich.

I choose the Chick-fil-A sauce as my sauce for that.

I like the Chick-fil-A sauce.

So I got Chick-fil-A sauce and I also got

ranch along with my waffle potato fries, an unsweetened iced tea, good ice.

You got to shout out the ice there.

They have the excellent ice at Chick-fil-A.

And the vanilla milkshake, which is like a completely on-point fast food milkshake.

But I thought the chicken sandwich was absolutely hitting.

The fries are, you know, up to you in terms of how you like their version of it.

But I think it's a well-executed waffle fry.

I think the number of sauces makes up for the paucity of seasoning.

But I just think that that spicy chicken sandwich is just a home run.

It's just absolutely delightful.

One thing I should add, because, and Mitch, you know about this because we've talked about this in a college, but I guess you've absorbed this as well because I've talked about it at length on the podcast.

I've developed this midlife peanut intolerance.

Chick-fil-A is fried in peanut oil, which I was a little concerned about, but I was like, let me just see

how my body processes it.

I don't seem to have any adverse reactions from it.

Yeah, but I should, I mean, maybe you missed this, but you still have the epipen hanging out of the back of your neck.

Got it.

Yeah, okay.

That's still noticeable.

No, I like, I, so I, I just don't, I don't fucking know.

It's like one of those things you get older and you go to doctors and they're like, yeah, we don't know.

Like, sorry, you're on your own.

You know, and it's like, well, that's what we were talking about, those fucking doctors, right?

The fucking doctors, but also

and looking down on me.

Let me just say that Patreon key is nearly mine.

Keep eating, wise.

We really should do a Tonteen Patreon episode.

Let's figure that out.

Let's bring Susser in here.

Oh, man.

He's going to get the fortune.

You know that's what's going to happen.

Of course, he will.

He'll fucking kill.

He'll straight less in the room.

So you're not feeling any peanut-related distress?

No, I have not had any reactions like I've had the kind of more

anaphylactic reactions from some other nuts.

So you'd be willing to say, Chick-fil-A, it didn't make me life-threateningly sick.

I'd go that far at this point.

Hold on a second.

We put this order on our Doughboy section

which Susser is on, and he didn't reply,

which makes me feel like we should do like a

wellness check on him.

I think we should.

I'll text him now.

Is he alive?

How did he not take advantage of this?

Yeah, actually, let me reply to him right now.

That's a good point.

Say, why did you not order Chick-fil-A today?

What's going on?

Why did you not order Chick-fil-A?

Their political stances, too.

I don't think that would stop him.

Are you okay, buddy?

Okay, we'll see if we get a few replies.

I hope susser.

I hope you're okay, suss.

I hope you're okay, sus.

This is the most nervous I've been about susser in my entire life.

I got to stop eating these.

Did you guys want some fries and shakes, more shake?

I got a shake.

I'm good.

Take some fries.

Wait, what shake did you get, Emma?

I got a chocolate shake, and it's hitting hard right now.

Yeah.

The chocolate shake was good.

I really liked that.

cookies and cream shake.

It is very like classic creamy fast food milkshake, but it doesn't taste like sometimes the McDonald's milkshake tastes not like real ice cream.

This tastes like real ice cream.

Yeah, very creamy.

Yeah.

Are you a fry shake dipper?

Is that something?

Yeah.

I'll do that big time.

But I'll usually do that with a vanilla shake.

Right.

I've been known to do it with a chocolate shake.

I don't dip the savories in the sweets.

You don't like the mix of salty and sweet.

No, I mean, I do like that when it is like very much the point of the thing.

But like, I'm not.

putting candy in my popcorn.

I'm not like, I'm not, I'm not dipping fries in the frosty.

I don't do that.

I don't know.

You know where I got that?

I think it's the hotness of it.

You know what I mean?

Oh, you don't like the hot and the cold together.

Yeah, I mean, that's a part of it, but not with the popcorn and the candy.

I don't know.

Popcorn's hot, I guess.

It was in an Outburger that conditioned me to do that.

That's what I, that's where I first started doing it.

I'm gonna cover up the taste of those fries.

All right.

So, you're gonna try the naked nugs.

What's that?

You're gonna try the naked nugs.

Oh, I ordered those, right?

Yeah, we got some grilled nuggets.

I don't want them.

No, I got those for one reason.

For you to try that one.

But I got them to give to Jemmy.

They're for Jemmy.

Because I'm only going to see you once a year, and I want you to remember, Uncle John.

Here, put this on your pants so that Jimmy can eat them.

I don't want to get

credit for it.

I was going to say, I'm going to get the food dirty by putting it on my pants.

You're going to get the food dirty, not your pants dirty.

To be fair, Jemmy licks the carpet.

I'm going to hover my hand over your thigh.

Do I have your consent for that?

You have my consent to put it on my thigh.

Wow.

I don't want your thigh getting credit for the treat that I'm giving Jemmy.

Yeah.

See?

She's loving it.

She's living her best life today.

That's a big piece.

We're going to make this a little smaller, Jemmy.

Wow.

Oh, man.

She is feasting.

She's like not even chewing it.

She just

love the fact that Nitch isn't even letting me have this moment.

Every time I feed Jemmy, Mitch is like, now I got to do it.

Hey, I know.

She's licking his pants right now.

Don't go to wash the jeans for another week.

Here we go.

No, no, no.

It's my turn.

It's my turn to woo Jemmy.

It's me now, John Hodgman, your friend.

This chicken is from John Hodgman.

Yes.

Good girl.

Wow.

She knows it.

You get to sit next to Jemmy all the time.

Jemmy also loves Maine.

I know you are.

I respect it.

I'm just saying.

I need.

she loves Maine.

Yeah, she loves it in Maine.

Just like one of her favorite places.

She gets so excited when we get there.

There's a beach there.

The beach is in Kennebunk.

There's a couple of dog-friendly beaches that she just loves.

Wow.

There'll be tons of dogs out there running around.

It's her favorite place.

Wow.

You know what they have in Kennebunk?

A Burger King.

They do have a Burger King.

At the Service Plaza.

Yeah, they really.

They actually also have a, at the Kennebunk Service Plaza off of 95, they have a Popeyes, and it's like the only Popeyes in New England, I think.

Or it was for a long time so it was that super popular place that's how I was the service plaza Emma is it a new is it a nude dog beach that you take her to or is it a or they have to wear bathing suits um it's a nude dog beach yeah this it's a little risque it was at the service plaza the northbound service plaza at kennebunk on i-95 has popeyes the southbound does not no the southbound has sparrow instead which is a real bummer not as exciting this is how i stop at the gardener service plaza they have a popeyes this is this was This was my.

She's still looking at these jeans.

Yeah.

That's right.

She might get a couple other flavors if you touch my bread.

Oh, God.

Hi, Jemmy.

I'm the reason those jeans taste good.

Jemmy, our relationship just went up a notch, babe.

It's gonna be funny 30 minutes while she farts.

Yeah, that's all right.

I don't know.

Don't blame it on me.

My experience with Popeyes for a long time was that on the highway there,

that one rest stop, Popeyes.

And I was having red beans and rice

11 years ago.

Great side.

When I received a phone call from an unknown number and discovered that my identity had been stolen.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Someone called and said, is this John Hodgman?

And I'm like, yes.

And they said, is this your address?

And I said, yes.

And they're like, is this your social security number?

And it was.

And I'm like, who is this?

And they're like, yeah, I have all of your information.

Wow.

So was there a person who had stolen your identity?

Well, I shouldn't say that it was like, it's not like someone was pretending to be me.

Okay.

But all of my private information had been breached somehow.

But they decided to call you to.

Yeah, they weren't very intelligent.

Yeah.

Did they ransom it?

Yeah.

I'm like, okay.

What, why are you calling me?

Yeah, to what end are you contacting?

And the guy was like, well, I just, how much money will you give me?

I'm like, $0.

I mean, you have, I mean, I'm just going to call and cancel these credit cards and

change stuff.

Like

even if I were dumb and I gave you $10,000 or whatever, what are you going to do?

Tear up my piece of paper that you wrote, my social security paper.

You would still have it.

So I think that this conversation is over.

And he's like, all right.

But I was eating Popeyes, red beans, and rice.

Wow.

And then it was later that same summer,

I had to go to an airport and there's a Popeyes there.

I was eating red beans and rice, Popeyes, red beans, and rice, when I got the word that my cat, not the one who's watching now, but my, the dear departed Petey, the cat, was on his last legs and I had to go home.

Oh, no.

So I can't eat Popeyes, red beans, and rice anymore because it's identified with sad and scary things.

Yes.

And I won't, I'm not a

superstitious person.

Yeah.

But

I won't toast with water.

That's a that's a bad luck thing.

Sure.

And I won't eat Popeyes, red beans, and rice.

Sorry, Popeyes.

That's why you're not selling as much.

Yeah.

I think, and I think it's good, too.

I like the red beans and rice.

It's like my favorite fast food side.

Terrific.

Yeah.

Sorry.

You were saying that's, yeah, that's.

No, that's a

it's a wild association to have.

Yeah.

I don't know if I do you have any food associations like that beyond food?

Like, because if any association I have with that is like, well, I got food poisoning from blank.

You know what I mean?

And it's not like I have like, oh, I have this strong negative memory that's not related to me getting sick from the food attached to this particular food stuff.

I can't think of one.

I got got like some associations.

Last night I saw presents last night.

Yeah.

That's a film.

That's a movie.

A movie.

I liked it.

I know.

This is different.

But a guy came in with a backpack.

Kind of a weird guy came in with a backpack.

And the movie was so much more scary because I was afraid that he was going to kill us.

Oh.

Do you think it was Santa?

I thought it was a different sort of presence.

A movie about my line of work.

Oh, wait a minute.

So Santa saw presents and he was like, I should bring, I know Christmas is over.

I should bring my sack.

Yeah.

Maybe it was Santa.

Could have been.

But I was scared the entire screening.

Yeah, that is that.

That's a, it's fucking, it's bad.

It's bad.

Yeah, you go to a movie.

You shouldn't let backpacks in a mask

occurring.

Should backpacks be allowed in a movie?

I don't know because there's also so much security theater at so many places where it's just like, I don't know, I'm going to go to a basketball game tonight with my brother Nate, my alpha brother Nate.

And I'm like,

they're like, you have to have a certain size bag you can bring into that.

And you're inspecting it anyway.

And that's just like, you're not actually preventing anything by this.

This is just like

an economic thing where you're trying to prevent people from smuggling in food or whatever.

The Weiger brothers are going to the game tonight.

You know they're going to pull a trap.

They confiscated my wife's knitting needles at Red Bull Arena in New Jersey when we went to

see the women's soccer van.

Were there no flu togs?

What's that?

Did you get to see a flu tog or no?

Is that a boglin?

I don't.

What am I missing?

This is a Red Bull event where they like.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right.

No, no.

Something goes down a ramp into the water.

No, they bought the Red Bull bought the stadium and the team,

the major league soccer team in New York.

And they're now the

Red Bulls, I think.

Wow.

The Red Bulls.

Yeah.

And then the,

gosh, the women's team.

It's my daughter's favorite sport.

I should remember the name of the women's team.

Let me look it up.

Yeah.

You talk.

Mitch, you talk, because then we'll have a net that we can talk.

Oh, shit.

Well, okay.

uh uh hey what's up everybody

gotham fcor new jersey gotham fcos

when i was trying to host the show without you that one time um you did great uh i i i was gonna say i had i had the spicy chicken, the grilled spicy chicken deluxe.

Yeah, we should talk about today's meal.

So the grilled spicy deluxe

kick okay.

Well, no.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

Let's do what he wants.

Yeah, okay, let's do what he wants.

Not to be a killjoy, but we should get to brass tacks here.

We get the grilled spicy deluxe.

Mitch, you and I each got this.

This is a seasonal item they have right now.

It's a boneless breast of chick marinated with a blend of peppers and grilled for a tender and spicy taste.

It's on a multi-grain brioche bun with Colby Jack cheese.

I got pepperjack cheese.

Oh, you swissed yours?

Yeah, I swapped out my cheese.

And I wonder if that's why they swapped out my bun because I did not get the multi-grain bun.

I got the conventional bun.

Why did you switch out your cheese?

They had the option to do it.

Oh.

Why would switching your cheese change your bun?

I don't know.

This Chick-fil-A.

Kind of a wacky Chick-fil-A.

Kind of wacky Chick-fil-A.

I still really like this sandwich.

I thought it was great.

I'm not sure I got a lot of stuff.

I got a spicy jack yet.

I got spicy.

Yeah, I got some.

Well, because I was looking at the app and it had, you could choose your cheese.

I was like, all right,

I'll choose Pepperjack because it's already spicy.

And I'm sometimes a heat seeker.

But I was like, and it has a cilantro lime sauce that you can use for dipping if you like.

But it is basically

their deluxe spicy sandwich, but just with a grilled patty instead or grilled breast instead of a fried breast, which is an existing menu item.

And I liked it quite a bit.

I thought it was great.

Choose your cheese is an option.

Choose your cheese.

You could on the app.

What were the other options?

It was Colby Jack, Pepperjack, and maybe Cheddar or American.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it just on the app that you can choose your cheese?

That's where I saw it.

Oh.

Choose your cheese.

I really liked that sandwich.

I thought it was great.

I was surprised.

Really satisfying lunch.

I wish I had had a bite of this incredible sandwich that you had.

We didn't give it

spicy, right?

The grilled spicy.

That's okay.

It had a nice kick to it.

That's what I was surprised about.

So I had a spicy...

I tried two sandwiches.

That's right.

The original, original, just straight up chicken.

and pickles classic and sauce, I guess.

The sandwich that built it.

I'm not sure that it had the sauce on it.

It doesn't know.

It's like a little bit of butter.

It's not like the sauce.

It's pre-sauced.

And then I had the spicy chicken sandwich deluxe, which was fried.

Bread.

Yes.

And that one has a lettuce and tomato on it as well.

Yes, that's right.

But I did not have the grilled.

Now, when you have a fried spicy chicken sandwich, usually the spice is in the breading.

Right.

Right.

So I wonder how they made it spicy.

They marinated.

So that's where it comes from, yeah.

Should have seen that coming.

Sorry, Kat and Dad.

I know you're very embarrassed for me.

I thought that sandwich was really yummy.

What did you think of your sandwiches?

Well, as I mentioned, I had never had Chick-fil-A ever.

People in my life were saying this is the best chicken sandwich for a decade.

Took a while for Chick-fil-A to get to the Northeast.

Took a while for it to get to California.

Yeah.

Still feels relatively new, although it's obviously been around for a decade or more.

So much hype.

And let me say this, in terms of the original chicken sandwich, I can confidently say I was not, not disappointed.

I was disappointed.

It was

B minus.

B minus.

Yeah, I would say.

Wow.

That particular one.

Now, why?

Look, this is a wacky Chick-fil-A.

This is known.

Yeah.

They got wacky with mine.

Right.

They put a pickle on.

And I think pickle really is part of that.

You only got one pickle.

Yeah, I only got one pickle.

One pickle.

Well, there may have been two because I cut it in half and gave one half to Emma.

Okay.

There was one.

Because I there was a pickle.

Okay, so

I had one pickle on one half, but still that's not enough pickle.

Yeah.

And notice how I shared my sandwich with someone else.

Emma, how was your half?

It was delicious.

I really like it.

Did you like it?

Yeah, I had a,

I think I liked their sandwich because it's like the chicken's good, and then everything else is so simple.

It's just like bun pickle sandwich.

I put some Chick-fil-A sauce on it because you need a little bit of sauce.

Yeah, I did not sauce mine, and I could see that this was not necessarily representative of every one of the, like, this is a wacky Chick-fil-A, and I like, I needed, it needed some sauce, it needed some pickle.

Yeah, there was no cheese on it.

So you have to ask for that.

You have to ask for that.

Yeah, I could have chosen my own cheese, but I chose, I, you know, I didn't choose any cheese.

I think it's good because you're trying a place for the first time to get the default as a baseline.

Yes.

And I was the right answer.

I found it to be a little dry, a little boring.

I didn't love the chicken patty

or, you know, the breaded, it didn't feel juicy or whatever or taste,

I just didn't love it.

But the spicy chicken deluxe, I enjoyed that quite a bit.

And that had some cheese on it.

I didn't choose my own cheese.

I don't know what cheese it was

without any sauce.

I thought it was pleasantly spicy.

I thought it was good.

Yeah.

We also got some nuggets and some tendies.

I like the nuggets.

I will say that I feel like the...

They're little.

Yeah, they're dainty little guys.

They're like little pencil erasers.

They really are.

They're a much smaller form factor than you would expect for a nug.

Yeah, it's interesting.

More like a popcorn chicken, even.

They are akin to a popcorn chicken.

They are very much like popcorn chicken.

And they offer chicken strips, which is not a full tendy, right?

But it's sort of like in between a chicken nugget and a chicken.

It's just a different.

That's what you ordered, Mitch.

I'd actually didn't have one of those.

The chicken calendars.

Oh, you didn't have one?

No, I like the nuggets, though.

They're just.

I just had two of them.

It's all right.

I didn't have a chicken strip, but I had a chicken nugget.

They're good.

I like that they're strips.

It's like real chicken.

You pull it apart and it's not like reprocessed.

Like, it feels like a real piece of chicken, which I appreciate.

Do you prefer the strips to the nuggets?

I do.

I I think so.

I think because it's more chicken and less breading.

I think the nuggets end up being a lot.

Like, there were some pieces in the nugget box that were just breading that had snapped off.

Yeah.

That's like just eating.

That's like eating an onion ring where the onion comes out and it's just fried.

Just a tube.

A circular tube of fry.

Yeah.

The chicken tenders probably actually may be weirdly the

spicy chicken deluxe sandwich, grilled spicy chicken deluxe sandwich was probably my bite of the night.

But the chicken tenders I liked.

They were good.

The salad was good that I had.

Wise, you had a bite of the salad.

The salad was good.

That was pretty good.

It was a decent salad.

A lot of cheese.

It's mesclin greens out of a bag with some cheese tossed on top of it, right?

And a few tomatoes.

And then you have the

Herbie Ranch dressing, which is, I think, the same as the little tubs of Herbie Ranch dip, right?

Yes.

It's just like, you're just squeezing dip onto your salad.

It's whether you want to dip it or you want to Peter North it.

It's like, it's like you have both options.

And I think the

dressing is fine, but it's very caloric.

And they don't have it, it would be nice if they had a lighter option for the dressing if you want that to be your healthy option.

But they're really because there isn't like a bastalmic or anything.

Every single thing is like honey mustard.

You can't choose your cheese on this guy.

And they, they, but they, you can get it off, you can have no cheese, but they do love it with cheese.

That was good.

The Mac, speaking of cheese, the Mac and cheese.

The cheese is very good.

Mac and cheese is great.

It's way better than KFC's.

Highly emulsified.

Yeah.

Like very melty and very tasty.

I got some crunchies on the side, too.

Did you really?

Look at at you.

They forgot our crunchies for the salad, so it's funny you got crunchies in the mac and cheese.

Look, the ingredients,

the ingredients here are good.

It's a quality,

the food is quality, but it doesn't really get me going.

You know what I'm saying?

Boy.

It doesn't get my ballrogs.

Can we excited?

Can we talk about the sweet treats a little bit?

Because we had the couple of shakes here.

I had a vanilla shake when I went on my own.

I'm a big vanilla advocate.

Vanilla is a flavor.

I thought it was a great vanilla shake, as I mentioned earlier.

They have a couple of seasonal varietals, which you got, which was the key lime lemonade and the key lime frosted lemonade.

Now, I don't know why they say key lime lemonade instead of key lime aid.

That feels like a

pretty simple thing, but I guess it probably is lemonade with lime flavoring.

Their lemonade is good in general.

I thought the key lime frosted lemonade was surprised by how much of a shake it was.

I thought it was going to get more of an icing, but it's just a straight-up shake.

It's a shake, basically.

Also, it is.

It's so confusing because it's like key lime lemonade.

And then it's like, and then like the, what's the other one called?

Key lime frosted lemonade, key lime frosted lemonade.

And so, in your mind, you're like, oh, this is like a frozen version of the other one.

That's right, that was the frozen lemonade.

It's not, it's not it at all.

And it's also the flavors are so different.

Yeah, I like the frozen, the frozen lemonade.

I thought it was yummy.

It was pretty good.

It was surprisingly tart.

Yeah.

It reminded me of lemon Italian ice, which we used to get in the Boston area.

It was so much like a key lime pie.

It was like key lime, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the frozen, the,

it didn't have as much of a key lime pie flavor,

the lemonade.

It could have been a little bit more tart.

Yeah.

It was just kind of like a limeade.

It tasted like a limeade from Sonic.

Yeah.

I'm not a dessert guy.

You know, I've said it before.

I don't have a sweet tooth.

I have an alcohol molar.

That's where I, that's where I, uh, I have my strange attraction.

But, um, but I thought that that lemon, that frozen lemonade was pretty good.

Yeah.

I like it.

I liked it.

The lime aid is, I don't think it's as good as Sonic's, but it was, it was okay.

Yeah.

Now, I didn't just get the grilled chicken nuggets to feed to Jemmy.

I did want to try them because you asked, like, what do you do on the road when you're touring and what do you eat?

So I, I, you know, I, I, I don't move as fast as I used to.

I don't recover.

I'm exhausted all the time.

Sure.

Uh, I'm old because these fucking doctors are,

you know, fix that.

Not fixing anything.

They're just saying that's just, you're just old now.

You know.

So I like to go for like more protein than carbs.

And,

you know, like if I were, if I didn't have this political stance, which obviously fixed everything because I stayed away from Chick-fil-A.

And

I mean, I made that sacrifice for the greater good and obviously paid off.

Yeah.

But if I didn't have this political stance, like I would go for a grilled chicken nugget.

Like that's a pretty healthy thing to have if you're on the move.

And

Wags is a pro-teen guy.

All right.

I thought you were more of a Brooklyn guy.

And I will say that unlike my chicken sandwich, these chicken nuggets were pretty juicy.

In fact, in the dining room before, and I was pulling one apart to feed to Jemmy to bribe her into liking me,

it actually squirted at me.

It was like,

I know.

I know.

It was quite juicy.

Like, I got

I got cummed on by the chicken.

It's revolting.

I know.

I don't like that I had to say it, but

you ate one of the grilled ones.

Yeah, I've had.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I thought it was pretty good.

Now, I will say this, also at the Popeyes on I-95 and elsewhere, they'll do a blackened chicken tender, which is not breaded and fried, but in fact, it's very, very

spicy, blackened seasoning on a grilled or griddled chicken tender.

I don't know.

And when I, and it's not, I don't always see it on the menu, but when I ordered it at the Popeyes on I-95 in Kennebunk, the person was so excited.

It's like, I never get to make these.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

And they were delicious.

Yeah.

I have to say.

That's, I mean, like, look, it's, it's room temp at this point, but you could do worse.

Yeah, not bad.

Yeah, you could do worse.

Consider eating, you're trying to eat healthy, I guess.

Yeah, no, I mean, I think that that's a healthy choice, as it were.

I don't think I've ever seen grilled nuggets anyway.

No, I mean, I think I was surprised when I saw it, so I wanted to try it, and I'm glad I did.

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Should we get to our final thoughts here?

And Unless do we miss anything?

I think we've surveyed everything, right?

Yeah,

this is it.

So, Hodgman, you're a veteran of the podcast.

You know how this works.

We'll each go around and we will give our final thoughts on this chain and end by giving it a score of 0 to 5 forks.

I'm going to go first here.

Okay.

Because I'm going to set a baseline.

Last time on the podcast,

it did not make the golden plate club.

However, I was not the culprit.

I gave Chick-fil-A four forks.

So the question is, has my opinion changed in the intervening years?

This was not the only time I had Chick-fil-A.

It's not even the only time we've ever talked about on the podcast.

We've gotten some items from it.

We had it in our chicken tournament, of course.

We've revisited Chick-fil-A in different contexts a few different times, and I've certainly gone on my own.

This visit, in particular, my first visit was really satisfying and was better than I remembered.

And I will say what I had today, in particular, the grilled spicy deluxe sandwich.

These items were hitting as well.

Shakes are great.

Fries, I'm a big fan of.

Love all their sauces.

Love their signature Chick-fil-A sauce.

I'm reminded of a chain, not just because it has a regional affiliation, not just because it has a fandom, you know,

that grew up eating it, but also because it's a privately owned company that stayed in the family since its inception.

And that family is very religious and wears its politics on its sleeve.

I'm, of course, talking about about Southern California's own In-N-Out.

Sure.

Run by the Snyder family.

I think three or four generations later, the current CEO is still a Snyder.

And

that place is not hiding

their religiosity.

They have Bible verses on the underside of their cups and fry containers.

It's a place that is just basically like, look, this is our values.

This is what we stand for.

I'm sure we did not vote the same way.

I'm sure

multi-millionaires, the billionaires who own In-N-Out Burger and

are deeply religious do not have the same politics as me, a leftist podcaster.

But

they make good burgers.

And from what I've read, they seem to treat their employees pretty well.

Sure.

So

I don't really feel conflicted patronizing it.

I understand people having that conflict in terms of Chick-fil-A because of how it's treated queer people.

And I know that it fucking the the the again shitty politics from the people who own it but I think their product is pretty good and we're all so powerless that we feel like the only thing we can do is act as consumers to like boycott something or or choose to take our business to some place that aligns with us or buy boycott a place that that that we feel like opposes us but like

what are you supposed to fucking do like at the end of the day If you want something

and it makes you happy for that moment, I say like whatever make your own judgment but i i certainly don't think that anyone should be held in any sort of higher regard or lesser regard for what businesses uh they choose to uh to to patronize so from that standpoint that monologue out of the way

i stand by my verdict i believe chick-fil-a belongs to the golden play club i think it's a four-fork chain i think it's a good chain and i really really like what they do and the thesis of the podcast mitch is how well are they achieving what they're going for.

This is a simple place with a streamlined menu: chicken sandwiches, fries, lemonade, and shakes.

Like, that's the focus.

Their chicken sandwich is great.

Their fries are very good.

Their sauces are excellent.

And I think all their sweet treats are hitting.

I believe this is a four-fork chain.

I believe it belongs to the Golden Plate Club.

Hodgman, let's go to you.

Wow.

Wow.

That's, well, you know what?

Yeah.

Well said.

Well put.

Thank you.

I think a lot of.

Did you

Did you change your voting registration to a Republican yet?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, no.

That's a while ago.

2016.

Come on.

I mean,

at this point, we got to.

Sorry.

We're stopping all fact-checking on the podcast.

I mean,

that was an impassioned speech.

It made sense.

The subtext of which felt a little bit like,

to me, the subtext of it was, Hodgman, you're a fucking hypocrite.

Oh, no, that's my horse.

No, no, no.

No, no.

I mean, look,

I love In-N-Out.

I've never thought to not go to In-N-Out because of their

open professions of faith.

And I suspect you're right.

Like, they probably do vote differently than me.

But I am not against someone voting their own weird conscience.

Sure.

I am certainly not against people having whatever faith they have.

I think when a company like Chick-fil-A 10 years ago put the full force of its corporation behind specifically, we must, it's not Adam and Eve, and it's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and Eve, anti-gay marriage legislation and all that sort of thing.

Then, you know,

they're taking a public position that I think is a little bit different than In-N-Out, sort of just writing Bible verses on the bottom of the napkins or whatever, whatever you want.

It's certainly more overt.

Yeah, and it's tied to a very special politics.

It's also tied to a very specific

theocratical debate.

It's not even a debate.

It's like gay people aren't full humans.

So therefore, you can't, whatever.

And I think that now more than ever, it's good to acknowledge that there are really vulnerable people and communities in our,

what remains of our civilization who are feeling really, really terrified.

Yeah.

And

that said, you're right.

There's no ethical, I say, kum sunshin under competalism because i i'm here on the

but uh and and you know it was not a huge like

it was not a huge deep breath moment for me to come in and feel like a asshole and a hypocrite to eat chick-fil-a with my friends and certainly to feed chick-fil-a to a lovely dog i felt fine about it so you know it's what it is um

where i was disappointed and this is

you know, the tyranny of expectation, right?

Because it was, to use a religious term, forbidden fruit for so long, and because it had been so hyped up by so many people in so many airports to me,

I really wanted that sandwich to fucking taste amazing.

Yeah.

Like I wanted it to be gastroesophageal orgasmic experience.

This is all that to go back to In-N-Out.

This is a lot of non-Californians' expectations for an N-Out burger when they work for the first time and they feel let down.

Right.

They don't have the nostalgic connection.

And, you know, I agree with you.

A solid,

solid execution all the way down, even from a obviously wacky Chick-fil-A.

Sure.

I don't know what's going on over that Chick-fil-A.

Like, they may be anti-gay marriage, but they're clearly pro-marijuana or something.

I don't care.

Not everything was delivered perfectly.

Yeah.

And yet the execution was very, very solid all around.

I didn't love the plain sandwich, but I could see how...

you know, that could have been.

Emma did, and she's got good taste.

So maybe it was just me.

Yeah.

And I do love the simplicity of just chicken, pickle, buttered bun.

It should be so good.

And instead, it was absolutely fine.

Now, with regard to the french fries, someone I know, I was saying, oh, we're going to eat Chick-fil-A on Doughboys.

My friend Janie was like, well, you know, their French fries aren't very good.

So I was surprised when...

I was not surprised that there weren't French fries.

I was surprised that when it was revealed that the French fries you ordered had not shown up, that not only did your thigh tiger cry a tear, but the look of fury in your eyes

was so intense.

Here's the thing.

And I was like, well, maybe these french fries are really good.

Here's the thing.

It's less so that it's more that I was like, I knew this was your maiden voyage

and I felt like they're a key part of the experience.

I think if you're going to evaluate Chick-fil-A,

I'm foreseeing people complaining about you not like rendering a verdict without even having the fries.

I disagree with you.

I don't think they're a key part of anything.

Wow.

They were just fine.

They were fine.

But that said, you cried for nothing.

No, look,

he's entitled to his own emotions.

Cry for nothing, old bitch.

First off, I didn't cry.

I love this particular bully character's idea, like you can only cry five times.

I'm only allowed to cry five times.

You better pick it wisely.

Don't Don't cry for nothing.

One for each grandparent, then you get one parent.

You can only cry at one parent.

Choose wisely.

So

when it comes down to fork score, like, I don't know.

Do you have my

last rulings?

I can look them all up.

I just kind of want to have a basis for comparison, right?

Sure.

Because, like, what is the last thing that I gave four forks to?

I'm notorious.

I was a spoiler almost 10 10 years ago when I came in and met you both for the first time back when you had no thigh tattoos and you lived on that, you lived in that apartment.

Yes.

You gave five forks to Regina.

Five, obviously.

When you were here last and we did Spitz.

Yes, Spitz, the Sitch.

Spits four forks.

Four Forks.

Spitz is a four-forker.

That feels like a deserving four-forker in my memory.

Yeah.

Also, Spitches is so much, I think it's more interesting than Chick.

Well, whatever.

But it's accomplishing a different thing.

It is.

It is.

And I know it's a sit-down concept as opposed to a place that businesses primarily drive through.

I remember in 2017 that I kind of,

I met with some angry stares when I did not give Arby's a very high score because I think I gave it a very low score because I was comparing it.

I was realizing that I was rating it on the basis of food as opposed to Arby's.

I'm on an island when it comes to Arby's, I feel like, in this podcast.

I really thought that it deserved to go all the way in the sandwich tournament, and I was shot down and no one agreed with me.

I'm a big Arby's fan.

I think Arby's is wonderful.

My wife loves Arby's.

Sunset Arby's.

Yeah, R.I.P.

And it's, you know, it's...

That's a loss.

That's a loss.

The last one.

I'd love to, by the way,

I don't, you know, look, if we're all still around, depending on how the tauntine plays out, if we're all still around in 2027 for my 10-year anniversary on the show, I'd love to do Arby's again and see where things are.

I'd love to review it.

The previously, we also did

Taiga Bites.

I don't even remember that ghost kitchen.

Robert Earl, yeah.

I think that no one got even to one fork.

And

that was with us and David Reese.

We also did, yeah, we did Arby's.

Let me find the Arby's scores back in the day.

I think you gave it 1.25.

1.25.

Nick and Mish gave it three.

We gave you Angry Stares, you were saying?

I think that...

I think that, I think I gave it like a, did you just say what I gave Arby's?

You gave it like 1.25.

1.25.

I gave you Angry Stares.

I just think that it wasn't like you were angry at me.

It was just like, oh, this guy doesn't know what's going on here.

That there is the grade inflation is so high because we're eating garbage all the time.

Yeah.

That this is at least two or three forks.

I forgot we had a different scale during Green Grocer Mitch's grocery store month.

My house after the podcast is angry stairs.

I'm walking up and down those stairs all angry.

Seven.

Do this fucking shitty show.

You gave Trader Joe seven carts in one basket.

I don't remember what the scale was.

Most recent four-fork score was for Spitz.

Was for Spitz.

And I think Spitz was pretty great.

Spitz is fun.

These grilled chicken nuggets kind of reminded me of the chicken skewers that they had over there at Spitz, and it was good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The spicy chicken sandwich was good.

I thought, I was surprised by the honey roasted barbecue sauce.

I'm not a, I don't, like, this hot honey era, send me to hell.

I hate hot honey.

I hate honey.

I'm with you.

I don't lie, especially on pizza.

Don't care for me.

I don't care for honey.

I don't care for sweets.

I don't dislike hot honey, but it's gotten overplayed.

But put it on pizza.

Come on.

It can work in certain coffee.

It's got overblown.

The honey roasted barbecue sauce was good.

So I tried it, and it was really good.

I thought it was like kind of surprisingly complex.

The Polynesian sauce is just like, would you like a tub of diabetes too?

Like, it's just too sweet.

Too sweet.

Not for me.

All right.

So, with all of this said, oh, and no one mentioned the tortilla soup.

We didn't talk about the tortilla soup.

You're right.

I thought tortilla soup was pretty good.

Why would I ever get tortilla soup from Chick-fil-A?

No, I mean, how about that?

That scoop of vanilla ice cream.

You also like that?

Good, good scoop of vanilla ice cream.

When you opened that tortilla soup, I was absolutely repulsed because it looks like vomit.

It really does.

It really does not look good.

It reminded me of in Twin Peaks, they had the mystical creamed corn.

That's what it kind of looked like.

Yeah.

Rest in peace, David Lynch.

RIP.

RIP.

But

you know what?

I tasted it and it was good.

It was quite good.

And if this is a wacky Chick-fil-A,

I have to wonder what a Chick-fil-A that's on its game is doing.

Maybe I like the fact that it's a wacky Chick-fil-A because maybe they're so wacky they forget that they are against same-sex marriage.

So look.

Welcome to Wacky Chick-fil-A.

Would you like a glow stick with your order?

I, you know, look, I don't want to be a performative virtue signaler.

I'm trying to separate the political component from the

component decisions.

But the thing is, I think that you're right.

It's a four-fork restaurant.

Wow.

I will take back one time

for intolerance.

Wow.

So 3.4.

No.

Yeah.

3.4.

3.4.

3.75?

3.75.

Yeah, 3 forks three times.

Three times.

Three forks, three times.

Three forks, three times.

It's what I got to say.

What is faith?

Dictionary.com defines it as complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Well, because I have faith in you.

Wow.

It is also a strong belief in God or in the doctrines

of a religion based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

Right.

George Michael says we got to have it.

R.I.P.

Yeah.

Now, what do I feel about it?

I have a bit of faith, don't I, Wikes?

I think so.

You're afraid of the devil.

I'm afraid of the devil.

I'm a God-fearing man in some ways, but more afraid of the devil than God, of course.

I like faith.

Faith can be a good thing, but faith can also be a bad thing, Wikes.

Wow.

I don't know how how much faith I have in Chick-fil-A.

I like it.

It's good,

but it doesn't get my loins going.

Whoa.

My ball rogs.

It doesn't get me excited.

Your balls rogging.

It doesn't get my balls rogging.

I'm not excited to go to Chick-fil-A.

And in fact, the last time I had Chick-fil-A,

I believe, was for this podcast.

I can believe that.

I don't really care about it like other people care care about it.

Casey from hateful Georgia or wherever the fuck he's from.

Well, down here in Hateful Corners, we have four chick-flays, one on each corner.

I still have faith in human beings.

Unfortunately, in the last

few years, it's harder to have faith in them.

But I do hope that deep down, everyone is hopefully a good person.

But I think that

it does bother me,

the, the, people being against letting people let people do what they do.

It would have to be so much better than this to tempt me back in.

Let me put it that way.

Not that I think I'm making a huge difference.

Yeah, sure.

Right.

Sorry, sorry.

Just let,

I don't understand why people care about stuff like that so much.

But look, like you said, I also agree with you here, and I have faith in what you said is that

this shouldn't come into play when we're when we're reviewing this restaurant, which again, it's, there's.

Well, it can come into play.

I'm just saying, like, like like you know i also like

it in terms of

their purchasing decisions that's that's that's what i basically want like it go it comes right down to every one of these companies is run by someone who's probably

we were praising little caesars and and and that ceo and then people are like he's actually not a good person either it's like yeah exactly there's no winning there's there's no no no no exactly it's a bad it's a flawed podcast uh it's not good but this place it just i never I'm never excited for Chick-fil-A.

I think that they have good quality ingredients and I think that the baseline of quality is better than a lot of places.

But again, it's about the loins.

What gets your loins fired up?

Yeah.

What, you don't like this?

No, I don't.

I think it's disgusting.

It's all about the loins, man.

What gets you fired up?

What gets you excited to go to a restaurant?

Well, I'll just tune into your loins for a minute.

This comes back to.

Don't think about my actual loins.

I can't not think about it.

I know.

That's all I can think of.

It's fair.

Thinking about your loins.

I'm thinking about Jemmy licking your loins.

Yeah, I know.

Conditioning her to feast on them.

I think the...

I was, that was not some sort of ploy to get Jemmy to feast on my loins.

I think a lot of this is just like if you'd, if you'd grown up in hateful Georgia and you would have, and Chick-fil-A was your pizzeria Regina.

That was like your go-to as a kid.

I think you would have that connection.

I think you would have that.

I think your loins would get fired up for it.

Yeah.

And so I think a lot of it is just like, it comes back to what Hodgman was saying of like, if you're coming to something in adulthood, you don't have the nostalgia working for you.

So you really are, and in some sense, you're being more objective, but you also have the unfair expectations of like, you think this thing is going to knock your socks off.

I also think that, and you pointed to this earlier, that, you know.

Fried chicken sandwich technology has evolved.

It has evolved.

I think the Popeye is one is strictly better.

And I don't know that Chick-fil-A is keeping up necessarily.

Right.

Or, you know, or is offering something.

You know, if I were to do a blind taste test between the two sandwiches, I'm pretty confident I would in my memory.

Like, I just remember wanting to eat that Popeye's chicken sandwich all day long.

Popeyes ones are real good.

And, you know, it's sure.

I mean, for a lot of people, they're choosing Chick-fil-A because of this particular stance that they have.

Sure.

And I, you know, again, this controversy goes back 10 years.

That was when they were most vocal about this.

And now maybe they don't.

care as much or it's not as public anymore.

But they did take a public stance, which attracts certain people, Mike Huckabee.

And, you know, I think it's fair to be turned off by it.

Of course, yeah.

And, you know, there are a lot of restaurants, forget about major chain restaurants, but like small restaurants that are run by big characters.

Sometimes it's like an asshole.

And it's like, yeah, well, he's a real asshole.

And he yells at the customers, but the food is amazing.

So you go anyway.

Yeah.

Well, what if the food isn't particularly amazing?

Like, maybe I'm not going to go to the place where I'm going to get yelled at.

No, that's true.

And we were, hey, we were just talking about Popeyes and

the founder of Popeyes, who has passed away.

But like, you know, that guy was a famous, eccentric kind of a a lot of people did not have a great opinion of this, this Louisiana sort of, you know, character.

So I mean, like, I don't know.

I mean,

finish your point, Mitch.

Land the plane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the fuck's going on here?

I'm the one who's reviewing.

It's my review time, you pieces of shit.

All right, talk about what makes your dick hard.

I think, I think we, yeah.

When it comes to fast food restaurants, you're thinking, what makes my dick hard?

What gets my loins going?

Now you're just ripping off Jacques Pepin.

That's what he would always say.

Fine.

Let's say, does it slap or not?

Is that better for you?

No, I don't care.

I like the Lloyd's is fine.

Lloyd's is great.

Loin's is great.

All right, good, good, good.

Don't want to invoke.

It's close to Oscar season.

Don't want to invoke Will Smith.

It's dangerous.

It's great for saying this.

If you say his name three times, you get slapped.

That also happens.

If you say this slaps, just careful.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I got you right.

You got to say, you can't say that that around Mr.

Smith.

I wish Mr.

Smith would go to Washington and slap a bunch of them.

Wow.

This cleaning up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mr.

Smith, that make that.

Remake that.

Mr.

Smith goes to Washington, have Will

Smith do it.

Slap all the.

And you know what?

Faith No More.

We're done with Faith Wise.

Wow.

But is this restaurant epic?

Reference to the Faith No More single.

Are you saying this is not a Christian podcast?

No, it's still a Christian podcast.

It's still a Christian podcast.

I thought I knew all the injuries.

We're just, we're moving, we're moving, we're moving past faith.

Yes.

Faith no more, but is the restaurant epic?

Yeah.

Or is it having a midlife crisis?

And you know what?

It just doesn't make the four-fork club for me.

I'm going 3.9 forks.

I was getting this.

3.9 forks.

I hypothetical 10-tined forks.

That's right.

Yeah.

With one-time removed.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

You're not going to allow that?

No, I'm allowed.

It's allowed.

I love the 10-timed fork.

10-tined fork.

Wow.

Not three.

10-time fork also sounds like an indie band from the 90s.

I think that this is so close to me to, to, I just, I never crave it.

I'm never craving it.

It's not, it's not good.

It's not loin worthy to me.

I'm not like excited to,

sorry.

I'm not excited.

I love it.

Loin worthy.

I'm not excited to go here.

I think that the shakes are good.

And if I were to go get something now, I'm like, I probably would swing by and get a shake at Chick Fly.

But I don't really care about the chicken sandwiches that much and sometimes this is crazy i know a mc chicken sandwich is is is worse but i'm like and maybe we just like a spicy mc chicken that like i don't know i

i i get that it's like they came into this market with a very specific mission chicken sandwich and they delivered for a long time and maybe they're still delivering at their peak of their powers but there are other people are doing better the fries are better than i thought they were but i'm with you i'm like i don't really care mcdonald's fries are a billion times better i just never have a good reason to go here.

I like that.

Honestly, today was like the closest that I'm like, this is a golden play club.

I think it's, I think it is close to me.

And even, you know what, maybe it, I would maybe agree that it is like a four forker.

Right.

But I, but I don't, nothing more than that.

And it gets, it gets 3.9 fork.

3.9 forks.

Wow.

Almost a tenth of a fork.

It is the like, like, I just, I just want to say one thing in case anyone

is going at Mitch here, which is that you love fried chicken.

I did.

In fact, the first six-fork you score you gave was to a fried chicken chain, bonshon.

Yes.

So, like, you are, you are someone who has high standards for this food stuff, this food stuff that you love, and you just don't think this quite meets the threshold.

I just don't think it's epic.

Yeah.

Now,

it is the definition of epic.

Right.

Faith No More

sings of epic in their song, Epic.

Sure.

And dictionary.com defines epic as

a long poem, typically one derived from ancient oral tradition,

narrating the deeds and adventures of heroic or legendary figures.

Wow.

Or, and then it cuts off because I can't read the rest of it.

Interesting indeed.

Interesting.

Paywall.

No, just because I didn't push search.

It was just in the search bar.

It was just saying at the top.

You refuse to subscribe to dictionary.com.

I'm on.

We mentioned this, but I'm on Dictionary Plus.

I get the.

Oh, okay.

There's words in there that they don't put in the regular dictionary.

Oh, wow.

It's worth getting behind the paywall for that one because, yeah, you get the real words.

And you don't have to see any ads.

Yeah, I'm on Dictionary Plus.

Yeah, yeah, you're on it too.

I'm also on Merriam-Webster Prime.

Do you know the definition of Slingdom?

Do you know?

Do you know the Do you know?

No.

Interesting.

You got to get Dictionary Plus.

If you had Dictionary Plus, Wags knows what I'm saying when I say Slingdom.

Yeah, well.

Did you say Merriam-Webster Prime?

Oh, yeah.

I like that.

Casey, what's your fork score?

Five.

I mean,

it can be five forks.

100%.

It's not five forks.

I think a lot of it for me is, you know, growing up in hateful Florida.

Yeah.

Like, I grew up with Chick-fil-A as,

you know.

the go-to fried chicken spot.

So there is a lot of nostalgia.

It reminds me of childhood where I ate it.

I would give it, I'd I'd say four forks.

Four forks.

I think four forks is its word.

I'll say this.

It's very much like when I first came to Los Angeles, I was like, what's the big deal with In-Out Burger?

And I've come around on In-N Out Burger quite a bit.

And I'm like, In-N-Out Burger is a very good fast food chain restaurant and it is high quality.

And I've just never gotten the Chick-fil-A thing as much as In-N-Out Burger.

I just never have like, I've just kind of, I've been like, whatever.

I don't care.

It doesn't.

And that's fair.

Today, like that spicy chicken sandwich and those shakes, I'm like, that's me is getting it closer, but I'm like, I don't, I still don't,

it still isn't something that I would go out of my way to get.

I think the packaging is cool.

I like their design.

I think it's nice and clean.

I think it looks good.

They're open on the, they're, they're, they have a, uh, a, uh, little, what is it?

Not kiosk, but they have a little table or a counter at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, which is

uh football stadium.

Sure.

And it's closed on Sundays, which is very funny that they, that, uh, they're so stringent about their principles that when they could do all of their business on a Sunday when there's an NFL game, they're still like, it's still closed.

Yes, yes, yes.

Emma, what's your fork score?

I think I am like agreeing with the four forks.

That feels pretty solid.

I think if someone was like, here, I got you some chicken and handed me Chick-fil-A, I'd be fucking stoked.

All right, so this is in the Producer's Plate Club, at least.

The Deus.

This is the Deus Club.

The Deus Deus Club.

The Deus Plate Club.

The Deus Dish.

The Deus dish.

What's the Deus Dish?

I guess we should get Amelia's score too, but we have to confirm.

She gives her four forks.

Amelia gives her four.

Four?

Wow.

Wow.

Congratulations, Amelia Forbes.

Consolation Prize.

Chick-fil-A, you are in the Deus Dish Club.

Wow.

The Deis Dish Club.

Yeah.

And I would say probably the Deus Dish Club is the more honest club.

I think so, yeah.

They just have their opinions.

They're not out here worried about getting torn apart on social media.

They got nothing to prove.

But what

is a dais?

Dictionary.com describes it as a low platform for a lectern.

Seats of honor or a throne.

Wow.

Seats of honor.

You know what I was going to say about that Burger King and Kennebunk, Emma?

Yeah.

That's the last place and first place that I ever had chicken fries from Burger King.

Yeah.

And I find those to be delightful.

I don't like chicken fries, but I admire your passion.

I just, you know, that's something that I would pick over this, I would say.

What I do like from Burger King, chicken-wise, that long joint sandwich.

Long joy is great.

Yeah.

Until Mike has found the bag in his.

Yeah, that's a bummer.

Just don't get the long pig sandwich.

You don't want to get that.

Long pig was a euphemism for human flesh.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

How do you not know that?

Do you know that?

No,

but I don't know a lot of shit.

And I just sit here and nod along.

Wait a minute.

What about Jemmy's fork score?

She obviously found the chicken to be jeans licking good.

I mean, I think think she would give it five forks.

Yeah, Jemmy, what do you think?

It's your friend John Hodgman.

Remember me?

Yeah, you're looking up.

She's like, yeah, hold on.

I got to try one more bite before I can decide.

Final, final bite?

Jemmy is also Dagga.

She's Dog Vaga.

Dog America, great again.

Dog America, great again.

Yeah.

Sounds like something a dog would say if they could speak.

You do.

Dog America, great again.

Based on that face, I'm going to go with five forks because she just wants more of it.

She loves it.

I'll just

rub some on your jeans.

You don't have to rub it on my jeans.

I'll just put that there.

Good girl.

Jemmy.

Yeah.

It's really nice to see you, Jemmy.

It's so nice to meet you.

I'll feed you chicken anytime.

It's like, you're not my favorite.

You've given me so many snacks.

I know.

Look,

chicken here on my lap.

Come on, and I'll

feed you more.

If you are in the studio, you get booted out, right, Nick?

Yeah, that's the rule.

She's going going to start ripping ass all the time now.

Get me out of here.

All right.

That was our.

By the way, the level of deodorization in the bathroom here was incredible.

Oh, yeah.

When I walked in there, it was like

15 different Febreze things are going.

They upload numbers once we moved in here.

I was like, wow.

They just need to match that with soundproofing.

That's the one note.

All right.

Hey, that was her review of Chick-fil-A.

Honestly, they got to go one where they should either amplify it, they should put speakers that you can hear everything that's happening in the bathroom, sure, or they or they block it out.

So they have to go one route or the other because it's so close now that it doesn't matter.

I was in here a couple of weeks ago, and it was one of those things, like, because you know, there's very often there are a few people here.

And I was like, I was in the bathroom, and I just like, I was like, I, there's, this is just happening.

I just got to fucking do this.

This is horrible.

And I'm in the bathroom.

There's like one person working in like the main area.

And I'm just like sandblasting in there.

I'm just like flooring.

Jesus.

It's fucking horrible.

And it's so embarrassing, but I'm, but I'm like, like, like, well, I think, I'm sure, I think that's probably enough.

It's muted enough where this guy, whoever this person is, is going to hear what I'm doing in there, right?

He's not hearing my shame.

And then, like, I, like, I get to a moment of calm

and like, like, like between bursts.

And

I just hear from outside just a single cough, just like a.

I'm like, if I can hear that guy cough, he was hearing me fucking going ham in there.

You know, that's, that's an, I can hear, I can hear everything that's happening.

So impressive.

He came out and he had like gigantic noise-canceling headphones on.

I was going to say, maybe we should get the hunks some noise-canceling headphones as a gift.

And then you'll have

the guys who put bags in the planes at airports.

Yeah.

Look, I know that you want to wrap this up, but I am going to say.

If Jemmy comes over here to eat this chicken and leaves the couch, makes the choice of Chick-fil-A over Mitch, I will up my score.

Wow.

To four forks.

Okay, we'll see if it happens.

That was our review of Chick-fil-A.

It's time for a segment.

Can Mitch and Hodgman solve me and Amelia's baked goods mysteries and outwit the world's greatest bread detective?

That's right.

It's the debut of the inimitable.

Oh my God, he has a hat.

Detective Sherlock Crumbs.

Oh my god.

Wow.

Culinarily, my dear Spoon Man.

The game is.

Culinarily?

Culinarily, my dear Spoon Man.

The cum is afoot.

I I present to you three distinct plates of crumbs.

I think so.

I mean, I know so.

It is.

Hit me up in the comments if you got that joke.

All right, I'm getting into the cat.

I present to you, Spoon Man, and you, Hodgeman, three distinct plates of crumbs.

You must divine the source of each crumb leavings using your skills of intuition alone.

First up, Amelia, can we present this?

Do you have to talk like that the whole time?

Do I?

This is how I, Sherlock, crumbs, talk.

We can look at this.

All right, I know the answer to this.

Yes.

Can I just say it?

No, well, give me a chance.

Oh, do we get to try the crumbs?

Yeah, you can do whatever you want to do with it.

It's smart food or popcorn.

I thought I was supposed to eat them.

You can eat them.

You can look at them.

You can smell them.

It's popcorn.

Or, hmm, is it a rice cake?

It's popcorn.

Yes, I agree.

It's popcorn.

Oh, wait, is it?

Is it a rice cake?

No, I think that this

or it could be a

popcorn cake, yeah.

They are, there are those exists, yeah.

I think you're right.

I think it's popcorn, popcorn, tastes like popcorn.

You're both getting popcorn.

Wait, let me,

yeah,

yes, detect what is it, Sherlock Wigs or Sherlock Crumbs, oh, Sherlock Crumbs.

Sherlock come is next week.

This case reminds me of my art rival, Moore Ryarty.

Rise and Rye Bread.

Rise and Rye Bread forever.

I'm Sherlock Crumbs.

More Rye Arby's.

More Ryarby's.

That's an alt.

We could go with that.

The answer, you both get it.

It's skinny pop popcorn.

Skinny popcorn.

Pop popcorn.

Next up.

I'm not sure that I would have gotten it if Mitch had not said it.

Are you giving me the point?

I mean, do we get points?

You each have a point.

Next up.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Hold on a second.

Wait a a minute.

Exhibit number two.

Sherlock Crumbs, this is also a game.

You're going to give us points.

Yes, I'm officiating the game.

Okay.

I know the answers because I'm the world's greatest bread detective.

Wow.

All right, number two.

Please take that in your hand, Spoon Man, and inspect.

I am taking off

this.

I guess this would be like you would cover a corpse in these.

Yeah.

It's kind of like a.

This should have come in body bags.

Yes.

It's a paper towel with the number two written on it.

Wow.

Okay.

This is to me, right off the bat.

It kind of looks like a Ritz cracker, but I think it's a little cheesier than that.

I feel like it looks like a Cheez-It to me.

You know, I'm realizing I set this up as I'm the world's greatest bread detective and called myself Sherlock Crumbs.

None of these are bread.

I'm just realizing there's zero bread here.

There is zero bread.

Baked goods detective.

Baked goods detective.

Baked goods detective.

It's not very very cheesy though is it it is it is there is cheese to it i think i and i and i think that these are

what are what are what what are the alt cheese it's cheese uh

oh yeah that other brand yeah um

what the are they called cheese nips cheese nips i think these are cheese nips I I'm going to go ahead with Cheese It's because I haven't seen a box of cheese nips in 30 years.

And they're not Cheese-Its.

I'll tell you that.

I'll just tell you, they're not Cheez-Its.

That's fine.

I mean, look, I don't care.

Win the game.

I don't give a shit.

Unfortunately, I believe you both have

chosen a bread herring.

This case reminds me of the pound cake of the Baskervilles.

God, how much response did you write?

Where the real solution is obvious once you hear it: goldfish crackers.

Goldfish.

Goldfish crackers,

cheddar cheddar flavor, though, cheddar flavor, cheddar flavor.

All right, one more.

Exhibit number three is tied at one.

Oh, I should have taken a ton of trees.

Audrey is taking up the exhibit, removing the evidentiary napkin.

Oh, that's just straight up Doritos.

I mean, do we even have to.

Oh, wait, hold on a second.

Maybe that's not Dorito.

Odin is taking a taste.

It's not Doritos.

Jimmy is sniffing.

It is not.

It's definitely got a non-it's not a nacho cheese Dorito flavor profile.

No, I know what it is.

I it's um

I know, I think I know what it is.

Is this a potato chip or a corn chip?

Are we working together or against one another?

Are you working together?

I, of course, collaborate with Watson, or I guess I should say Bre Watson.

Bread Watson?

Why not Bredson?

Bredson, yeah, Bredson.

That's what I said.

I don't collaborate with him because he's one of those fucking doctors.

Goddamn physician.

I think that this is.

I think that this is a potato.

I'm going to say this is an all-dressed potato chip.

I'm going to say that it's a barbecue-flavored potato chip.

I think you're right.

I think he's right, Jemmy.

To this, I say,

once again, culinarily, my dear Spoon Man, this is a barbecue potato chip, barbecue baked Lays, Mitch Winch.

Baked.

Wow.

Not baked.

Not baked, not regular.

baked.

So this wasn't even baked?

What is Sherlock Crumbs?

Explain Sherlock Crumbs to me again because I have a pipe and a hat.

When we're talking about this segment, I had any type of crumbs in mind.

Oh, it's not breads.

It's any type of crumbs.

Okay.

Any type of crumbs will do.

We'll discuss offline.

Okay, we're going to perfect the segment.

Sherlock Crumbs should still work, right?

It still works.

I just need to figure out exactly what my identity is.

Which, of course, I know because I'm the world's greatest detective.

Well, quite a contest.

Congratulations to you, Spoon Man.

Now I must return to my famous address.

No.

221 Bread Baker Street.

Why not just Baker Street?

Yeah, why not just Baker Street?

Well, that's the real one, of course, so why would he stay there?

That's true.

221B Baked Lays Street.

It's pretty good.

I'll pass it along to Sherlock Crumbs.

Yeah, whatever happened to that guy.

I don't know.

He got out of here.

Oh, Oh, boy.

He got out of here quick.

Just like a restaurant fire feedback, let's open up the feedback.

Today's email is from Lee from Philly.

Wow, go birds.

Lee writes, hey, everyone.

Obligatory introductory note about how I'm such a huge fan of the show, and I've been listening incessantly since I dove into the back catalog a few years ago after previously being more of a guest-specific listener.

Shout out to the initial crossovers with the blank checkboys and Jamal Bowie's episodes.

The question is not really food-related, but the bathroom chat.

on recent episodes, Bathroom Breakdown, inspired me to send this one in for a group discussion about restroom etiquette.

This is a long-standing, we're over a decade in at this point, debate between me and my best pal.

Well, so they've been having this debate for longer than the Doughboys podcast has been going on.

You've read for like a full minute, and the question is not here.

What the hell is that?

Here's the scenario.

Say we're at a restaurant and there are only single-person bathrooms with no indication of whether the bathroom is occupied, like a little red sign when the door is locked or a stall under which you can see feet.

Sure.

Person A goes to poop and forgets to lock the door.

Person B neglects to knock and walks in on person A at their most vulnerable.

Who is most at fault here, A or B?

I think it's obviously person A, even if they were just being forgetful or messed up the lot.

But my friend insists everyone has an obligation to knock first.

Related question: Do you have any memorable instances being a bathroom intruder or intrude?

I think in this scenario,

and Judge John Hodgman, look, you're rendering verdicts.

Hey, available every Wednesday at maximumfund.org.

I think that

podcast crossover that you did not mention, but that's fine.

Judge John Hodgman.

I think that this is a thing of,

I think it's the obligation of the person using the restroom to lock the door.

I think, like, you go in and you should make sure the door is, but, but I do think it works both ways.

If you have to say there's more culpability, I feel like if you, if there was a lock that was operable, you chose not to use it or you forgot to use it and someone walks in on you in the bathroom, that's your fault.

And you have to take the L on that one.

But I also think it's just common courtesy to knock before you try.

And also, like, listen for a reply.

So you're saying B.

No, I think person A is the issue, but I think person B also should knock.

I don't think you should just walk in.

But if it's a thing that's

not, but if it's a thing that's a,

was he saying that there's a group, it shows the group?

No, that's the scenario.

The scenario is there's no indication that the bathroom is occupied.

There's not a little red sign.

It just is like a closed door.

Would you knock if there was a, if it was green, would you do a little as you would probably do it as I'd probably do it as a courtesy.

Yeah, but

I think you knock, wait a second, and then open.

Like wait for a reply if you don't hear reply then open if it's green I'm knocking and going.

You know what I mean?

Like it's like you don't have an indicator in this situation.

No indicator.

Yeah.

If there's no indicator that changes that does change the whole thing.

I have a question for Lee.

Do they ever call you Phil Lee like Philly?

That's kind of funny.

They probably do.

That's kind of cool.

Yeah.

I don't know.

People can't do that.

I do have a story of you, we've talked about this in the podcast a million times.

When I worked at The Simpsons and I was.

Oh, you worked at The Simpsons?

I worked at The Simpsons

and I was in the bathroom after work.

We talked about this, yeah.

And then the lights, the motion lights, went out, and I, it was pitch black, and I waddled.

It was so late on the lot, and I waddled out of the bathroom with my pants around my legs, waving the my arms.

Yeah, and then a crew guy from

house walked in.

We talked about this, right?

We did talk about this.

So the crew guy.

Wait, were your pants down around your ankles?

Yeah, were you waddling around?

Everything was out.

Everything Everything was out.

Right.

You weren't done using the bathroom.

The motion light went off.

The motion light went out and it was pitch black.

I couldn't see anything.

Was this a one-seater or was this a no, but there was no one on the lot.

It was like, it was, it was like 9:30 on a Friday night.

So there's no lock for this door.

No, there was.

I couldn't turn the motion lights on without leaving the stall.

He was in the stall.

The lights on the street.

There's a lock on the stall.

There's not a lock on the outside door.

To reactivate the lights, you had to leave the stalls.

So I left and I started waving my hand

to try to get the lights to come back on.

And then a crew guy from house walked in and saw me doing this.

Yes.

Waving my hands.

And was, and he left.

It was funny.

He just walked out.

And I was like, well, that was embarrassing.

It was very embarrassing.

Nobody's fault there.

Nobody's fault.

Yeah.

A month later, that happens to Hugh Laurie on house.

You think it was maybe a producer instead of a

storyline.

We figured out our second act.

So this is

a restroom in a restaurant.

I mean, here is the, it's just, it just says restroom, but I guess we can imagine it's in a restaurant in this scenario.

I mean, I would say person A

is baseline at fault because

unless you can't avoid it, you shouldn't be doing number two in a restaurant.

I mean,

sure.

Sometimes you can't avoid it.

Sometimes you can't avoid it.

Obviously.

But you should try to plan your day keeping your poops at home.

Ideally, but not it can't.

You know, this is good good for our listeners.

Keep your poops at home.

Yeah, maybe.

Keep them at home.

I mean, this is a point of etiquette, so I'm just saying,

like, you know,

if you can.

I'm not guiltless here.

No, me neither.

And if I went into the thing and I forgot to lock it and someone walked in on me, I don't think, I think I would be like, this is very embarrassing for both of us, but fair.

I mean, I should have locked it.

I take the L that I forgot to lock it.

That's my fault.

Yes.

I can't think of a worse thing at a restaurant than

two single-person bathrooms for a full restaurant of people like it's just the door that locks and then you're in the bathroom alone i hate that more than anything i kind of like it but i think there just needs to be enough there's but there's not there's two no there's i'm saying that's there's two yeah just two is not enough that's not enough yeah on judge john hodgman we often have this ongoing debate as to whether it's better who should clean the lint screen of a dryer

if you've finished using the dryer do you clean the lint screen for the next person i do that yeah or do you or you know it but on the lint screen it says clean before every use the instruction is yeah clean it before you use it now if you don't clean the lint screen you could have a house fire uh it's dangerous so it is imperative that lint screen get cleaned and for that reason even though it is more courteous for someone to clean the lint screen after use it is the responsibility of every user to check it before they use it i agree with that i think that's a that's a great that's bullshit i don't think it's a one or the other responsibility And I would say it's nice if you do it for the next person, but that next person can't presume that you've done it for them.

Yeah, take your linkedin.

I don't know exactly how this tracks to this other than it gave me a chance to mention Judge Shan Hodgman available, maximumfund.org every Wednesday.

Check out Dick Town on Hulu.

Two seasons.

It's still there.

I don't think they've run out of hard drive space.

In any case,

but I would say it's on both, like you should knock before you go through any door, whether or not it's, you know, any closed door, whether or not someone's pooping inside.

You don't know what's going on.

It could be Mitch getting his ballrogs off by wandering around in the dark with his pants down.

Yeah, if you're claiming, oh, I had to activate the motion sensor.

I also think there's some.

If you're outside a bathroom door and you hear, you shall not bust, you should not.

That's the weirdest Jeff Fox worthy routine I've ever heard.

All right, Jemmy is now sitting up.

She's ready.

She knows the episode is once.

I'm going to hear a little click-click.

I do.

Sometimes

Oh.

If you do that over there with the chicken.

Because this is like, you know, we're recording this only a few days after Groundhog Day.

It makes sense to defer to the wisdom of the animal kingdom.

And, you know, is the question is, is this good enough for Jemmy to leave the comfort of her friend Mitch?

The answer is no, so far.

Or it's not firing up her loins and she'd rather be with her friend.

If you took it out and held it in your fingers down by the floor and clicked at her, she'd come get it.

That's my guess.

Let's see what happens because this is for that extra time from me anyway.

Jemmy really likes me, though.

It's part of the issue.

I was in a Baja Fresh once, and I did the thing.

It was a bathroom.

It was a single-person bathroom, and there was no outside indicator.

So, this is the exact scenario.

I knocked.

Are you still talking about poops?

Yeah, I am.

Okay.

I knocked, heard nothing.

So, like, knock, knock, knock, no reply.

Opened, it was open, pushed it open.

There's an older woman on the toilet, and she goes, oh, like just totally.

And I felt horrible, but I was also like, that's on you.

You need to lock the door, and you need to lose.

I have a thought.

How long was your lecture to her in that moment?

Excuse me, ma'am.

That's on you.

The door closes behind you as you come in.

No interference, please, Emma.

Let Jenny make her own decisions.

She looks like she really wants.

I have a theory.

I know, but she, you know, it's like this is the same thing.

Like, am I going to go out of my way to get Chick-fil-A?

No.

If someone is feeding it to me like the doughboys did today, sure, I'll eat it.

And I think it's the same thing.

I have a theory that lady was into it.

Oh, no, you caught me.

I think the,

to Mitch, the one thing I would say about like knock, knock, open, I think if knock, knock, open is like, I'm coming in.

And I think you need to knock, knock, give it a beat for response, and then open.

If you walk in, knock, knock, pause, pause, knock, knock,

go.

Free to enter.

What do you say if you're in the bathroom and someone knocks?

Occupied.

That's what I yell.

One second.

One minute.

Yeah.

One minute.

minute occupied here's the deal here's what i think if you open the door and you walk in on someone who's on the toilet you should at least offer to wipe

you should offer the wipe oh my god i'm so sorry do you want me to clean

it for you

i think

what direction do you prefer yeah

sideways

it's paul giamati

you walked in on paul giamati go to the bathroom

was that is that why the movie's named sideways yeah yeah i was like this is a movie about wine i don't understand why it's called Sideways.

There's a delete scene.

Because Paul Giamatti wipes sideways.

There's a deleted scene where they show him wiping his

house.

Side to side.

It feels like it would be harder.

One time I was on an Amtrak train heading north to Western Massachusetts with our daughter at Christmastime, and it was a pretty full train.

And there was a Paul Giamatti looking guy.

Whoa.

He wasn't Paul Giamatti, but it looked a lot like him.

And he had that kind of Paul Giamatti voice.

Sure.

And he was just really loving drinking Bud-like tall boys from the

diner car or whatever.

And he was bringing them back.

And he was drinking.

It was the holidays.

He was having fun.

He was talking to everybody.

He was going all the way to Vermont.

We were getting out before him.

And as we're getting out, he's like,

he's so garrulous and fun.

And as we're getting out, he picks up the phone.

We can hear him.

And he goes, What's that?

Oh, hey, hey, how are you?

What's that you say?

Literally true.

Naked pictures of me on the internet.

Well, that can't be right.

No.

What?

Where?

And it became very clear there were naked pictures of him on the internet.

It was not like someone who scammed you when you were eating your red beans and rice where they were trying to fish.

No, it was a friend of his calling him.

And then he started calling everyone he knows.

He said, have you heard this?

Well, it's not true.

They're not me.

I don't know.

There must have been Photoshop.

And it's like, oh, this guy's Christmas is going in a different direction.

Wow.

This is a before and after moment in this guy's life that's wild and I don't know why he should be ashamed yeah I mean if there were naked pictures of Paul Giamatti on the internet I'd look at them I'd be happy for him he's got a great you know wipes you think the guy who called him was the dean from Barton Academy the holdovers yeah

the holdovers

the dean from Barton Academy I'm sorry you're you're fired

because there are naked pictures of you

on the internet even though this movie is set in the what 1970s 1970s, early 1970s.

You just said a Paul Giumati guy, a Giumati guy on the train in New England in the wintertime.

I just thought it might have been a part, you know, he might have worked at Barton Academy.

That could be.

Could be.

Yes.

That's all.

That's all.

Well, let's end the episode.

Do we have a consensus from the Deus?

Across the line.

No, you did great.

Do we have a consensus from the Deus?

Like, I feel like we're all on the same page here, right?

It's like, does anyone actually have the responsibility to lock the door?

I do think in a public picture, you should knock.

I kind of think it's one of those things where everyone here kind of, you all did the wrong thing, but like, like it's definitely on the person inside.

Yeah, look, we're trying to live in a civilization here, right?

And that means we need to take some basic responsibility for each other.

Right.

We're in a mode of civilization right now where selfishness is being rewarded.

It's like it's all about me and I want what I want and fuck anyone who gets in my way.

That's not the way you, that's not the way this works.

You got to lock and you got to knock.

Yes.

Both.

Love that.

Everyone's responsible.

Love that verdict.

I think you got to lock.

I don't think you got to knock.

I'm going to

that's not a good thing.

I just walk in because I don't think I'm not going to hear their response anyway.

Oh, and you want to see.

You're not going to hear the response.

You want to see it.

Because usually, a lot of the times is what happens in Weiger situation where I'll knock and I don't hear anything and then I go in and then it's like it's locked or you want to go.

Amelia, you're the most wrong that there is.

This is the most wrong.

You don't have to knock.

It's okay.

I think you should knock.

Casey, you think you should knock?

I think you should knock.

I usually knock.

And I notice around here, not a lot of people knock.

People do not knock.

Well, there are indicators on those doors.

Yeah, but they're kind of janky.

Those indicators came in.

They came there often, and someone's just trying to get in.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's me and Wiggs.

That's a vigilant of a knock.

Me and Wages together trying to get in.

So quote the Wigger tiger, that's on you.

But I lock the door.

I do make sure I lock it.

Yeah, I lock the door.

Even if I'm going number one, I'm locking the door.

Do you ever see the deleted scene from Holdovers?

Which one?

I've seen some of them, but maybe not the one you're referring to.

He's wiping his ass sideways.

Of course.

Oh, so that's like, yeah, so that's like a bit of a.

It's an Alexander Payne thing.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

He puts it in every movie, but then he actually cuts it from every movie.

I remember now on Citizen Ruth, like his first feature, it's also got that as a deleted scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm just thinking back on, like, you know,

election, yeah.

You know what?

Mitch, Election has it too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jack Nicholson, about Schmidt.

Yeah, about, yeah, yeah.

Well, he's like more like about shit.

Yeah, when he's wiping the screen sideways.

You think I didn't tee tee that up for you?

The thing I didn't see you coming with that one?

I could have done that one.

I didn't.

And Alley like Luka Doncich to Mark Williams, both new Lakers.

There we go.

And downsizing is kind of weird.

They're like, they're like, look at the like toilet paper is so tiny.

It's like, yeah, it's going to be so much harder to wipe sideways.

They say they don't, they never show it.

But they end you say sideways.

It's just kind of like a little winky sort of.

It's a motif.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's see.

What else?

What else?

It's good to end the episode on a what else, what else sort of bit.

The Hawaii.

I mean, the descendants.

The descendants of the Hawaii.

You're right, yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Matthew Lillard wipes his descendants.

Matthew Lillard's wife wipes it.

Matthew Lillard's, huh?

You've seen it.

I auditioned for the descendants.

Oh, you didn't watch it because you auditioned for it and you're resentful that you didn't get the part.

Yeah.

The part would not have been right for you.

I know.

I know that.

Yeah.

It's not, you're a great actor, but they cast like a director.

They cast like a super dude hunk.

The casting director said he want to claw his eyes out after he watched my audition.

Oh, God.

What?

To you?

To me.

That's not.

I guess I've never told this story on the show.

You told this story.

No, I think I've heard it.

You told it.

I was pretending not to.

I've heard it on it.

Fuck.

Trying to keep it live.

It is true.

That is true.

And then also,

then I, well, I followed the casting director to the bathroom, and I saw he was wiping his ass sideways.

Citizen Ruth, Election, Descendants, Sideways, Holdovers.

Nebraska, Nebraska.

Nebraska.

That's the one we're forgetting.

Nebraska.

With Bruce Stern.

Bruce Stern, yeah, wiped side to side.

I I asked Bob, I was like, how is film in Nebraska?

He's like, it's good, but we had to wipe our ass sideways the whole time.

I was like, that's fucking weird.

You had to do it off set?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was like a Daniel Day-Lewis thing that kind of had to stay in character.

If you have a question or comment about the World of Chain Restaurants, you can email us at feedback at birdfuck.com or leave us a voicemail at 830-go to that.

It's 830-463-6844.

And head to get the Doughboys Double Weekly bonus episode, plus our entire pre-2018 back catalog.

Subscribe at patreon.com/slash Doughboys.

Our producer is the birthday girl, Emma Erdbrink.

Our so-super producers, Amelia Marino.

Our supervising video producer is Kazi Donahue.

Our video editor is Mike Dorfman.

Our guest, the great John Hodgman.

John, thank you so much for being here.

One of our favorite guests.

Thank you.

I always appreciate spending time with you.

At the end of the Chick-fil-A episode, we're praying.

We're praying.

I was just thinking, you know, 20 years ago, I actually profiled Alexander Payne for the New York Times magazine.

That's wild.

When I would write, and I visited Omaha with him, and he took me all around town.

And I remember we talked together.

And now look where I am.

Do you have anything you notice?

Did I remember Alexander Payne movies to fantasize about how wiping your ass sideways might have featured into the plot.

Casey, do we get all of them?

What do we remember?

Were we missing?

Yeah, we're back on this then.

I want to say thank you to my dad and my cat.

See you at home.

And Jemmy, you've been very good, so I'm going to feed you this now.

She never left, so her like, never change your fork score.

You're more important than this.

Even now, she's just like, yeah, okay, I guess I'll leave it.

It's funny because when we got her, it was like very clear to us very early on that she values her comfort over food because we tried to get her out of a bed once with a pepperoni and she would not move.

She like sat up and looked at us and was like, I will stay right here.

Come down.

You want to come down here for this?

Go ahead, go get it.

You want to come get it?

Come on, come get it.

Come.

She loves her friend Mitch.

Yeah.

She loves me.

Oh my God.

Jimmy.

Wow.

Hubris.

I'm going to take that as a win for me, not for Chickule.

Thank you, honey.

I'll say this too.

When at the end of records, Emma holds up a pepperoni and that's how she gets Wagger and I out of the recording studio.

John, Judge John Hodgman, people should check it out.

Great podcast.

Anything else you'd like to plug?

Yeah.

David Reese and I made a very funny cartoon featuring Mitch.

That's right.

In a critical role as

I was honored.

Yeah, and it's a show called Dick Town, and it's a funny cartoon.

And it's Griffin Newman's on it as well.

That's right.

And I wanted to cast you in it.

And then the producer's like,

our show is not a Doughboys fan

fiction.

That was the line.

Weiger's involvement was the line.

Unfortunately, yes.

That's right.

We'll never get a third season, but if we ever do, you're going to be in all all of the opposite.

Yeah.

All of them?

Well, that's an empty promise that I feel very confident in making.

Anything, I also have something I'd like to plug, which I rarely do.

People should check out the short film, The Passion of Martin, which Alexander Payne directed before Citizen Ruth.

It's an interesting movie about a guy, Martin, the title character whose passion is wiping side to side.

Hey, that'll do it for this episode of Dough Boys.

Until next time for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Tiger Weiger.

Happy eating.

See ya.

Hey, buddy.

Want Dough Boys merch?

We're talking hats, shirts, sweatshirts, patches, glasses, all sorts of stuff, aprons.

It's all available at kinshipgoods.com/slash Doughboys.

That's kinshipgoods.com/slash Doughboys.

Sources for the intro are in the episode description.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

That was a Hitgum podcast.