S3 Ep. 27 - All About Eat

It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market.

Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.

Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Enjoy quick breakfast for less with 365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts.

Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Play of the day.

I'm Yaksathoth, the one in all, and I'm the color out of space.

Boom!

We're here as always since time immemorial to beam the most sanity-rending slams and jams in all of sports straight into your nightmares.

The first TPBS PNPOTA is brought to you by Deep Ones Silvers.

It's day gone days down to Deep Ones, which means two for one profane abominations all mating season long.

Step into it, Deep One, boom!

Today's play comes from a nameless speck of dust in a forgotten corner of the Milky Way galaxy, where amateur boat team the guttural screams, locked in a hopeless struggle to save their world world from the mad whims of beings beyond their comprehension, bold a perfect game.

What makes this play stand out is the unusual pre-game strategy the screams use to clutch the dump.

Let's rend the veil of space and time to sneak a closer peek.

Moments before their match, Screammate Trudy Trout challenges her rivals to a drinking contest.

But little do they know the potion they have quaffed has been tainted by the mind-bending venom of the Dalmaker.

I tell you, it's truly a scheme so foul it could only be birthed by the fractured brain of team leader Kelsey Grammer, who while she slumbers is ever courted by Zuzel the godslayer.

Yikes, I wouldn't fuck Zuzell with Haster the Unnameable's dick.

But wait, trouble for the Screams as rookie roller Blake Lively, tasked with whispering words of doom to their drugged competitors, accidentally gives them advice that helps their bowling game.

Oh, that's a mistake you just don't want to be making, and Grammer is not happy about that one.

Yet despite their despair, the Screams lock in on the mains, and by the time the final pin has fallen, like the great race of yith they emerge victorious another trophy to their name the screams now head into personkovo ground building 21 but will their cinderella story survive the horrible secrets that lay within only time and the astrologer priests of dowloth will tell boom up next behold an exclusive sneak preview of walt disney's live action remake of the king in yellow stick around

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a little peachy podcast this season.

Peachy Peachy Point.

Peachy Peachy.

This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

And officially, this one's BDSM.

This one?

Whoa.

particular episode?

I make that decision solely in my sole discretion.

You pushed Will onto a very specific kind of platform now.

Babe Ruth calling his shot.

Calling somebody else his shot.

Somebody else goes up the plate and Babe Ruth comes out and goes, That guy's going to go to Home Brown.

He goes back into the dugout.

He did that all the time.

If you have a babe in the dugout, Babe Ruth calling me mommy.

Yeah.

BDSM joke.

Ah, very good.

Very good.

I think he'd be a sub.

Okay.

Babe Ruth?

Yeah.

No, BDSM stands for Babe Doesn't Sub, Man.

Wow.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively.

Standout bowling performance from Blake last episode.

And he owes it all to Swedish bowling.

Swedish bowling is what Blake played as a young child growing up.

Somewhere in the world.

Is this canon that he's Swedish or is it just Swedish?

No, no, no, no.

It's just Swedish bowling.

You can have Swedish meatballs and not be Swedish.

Fair, fair.

You can go to Ikea and not have to change your citizenship.

William.

I wish.

I wish I could go to the beach.

If it was that easy, oh, yeah, I'd be out of here.

What if they're like, ah, yes, you can be Swedish, but you have to build furniture for Swedish people for the next 10 years for my career.

I would actually do that because, like, I think there's something cathartic about building IKEA furniture when it's easy.

And when it's hard, it's actually like that's the only time I've destroyed something.

Can I say IKEA furniture building instructions are diabolical because if you look at them, there's so many ones where it's just like, there was a little hole there.

Oh, you didn't see my secret

you fool you didn't see the little hole you know i found the clean

build your dresser upside down you look like the 2d guy scratching his head standing over the tools you'll have to call us at ikea to solve this conundrum i thought you were strong enough to carry this on your own but your brain wasn't strong enough to find all my secret screws normally i'm i'm good enough to do it though but the one time i was trying to build a nightstand i actually destroyed it um i took it outside and i beat it up and I kicked it and I destroyed it and it felt so good.

What did you do?

But my new roommates were a little scared of me.

What did you do with the little free extra dowel they sometimes cheekily thrown in?

I love that when they just throw one in and like throw a roll on.

Hey kid, here's another one.

Anyway, Swedish bowling.

Swedish bowling involves taking a rock and throwing it down the hill and trying to hit trees with it.

Oh.

This thing you made up or is this a real thing?

No.

All right.

It's a real thing in that you can do that with a hill, a rock, and a tree in the distance.

I mean, there is a thing called Swedish bowling.

I looked it up because I was getting ready to learn.

Yeah, it's a thing.

Oh, hold on.

I mean, you're not.

Clearly, you didn't know.

Somehow he googles this and it goes to goats and

so much respect for you.

Swedish bowling is called coop.

It's a throwing game that involves knocking over wooden blocks.

So it's not dissimilar from what I described.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Except for a bunch of people.

I guess a tree really is a wooden block lacking a body.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm.

And you know what she always says?

Eat, prey, love.

She was the first first one.

And, you know, Kelsey doesn't live long enough, but she actually taught Carol Gilbert, which is the mother of Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat Prey Love.

So I'm just saying.

So a little fact about Kelsey is that Kelsey and Roz have a little book club, the Grammar Book Club, and they read a book every month.

And they really like it because there's a way for them to connect.

However, when they read Catcher in the Rye, the next like couple of days, Milton started acting weird.

And Kelsey began to realize that Milton was always listening to the book club and then reading whatever they were reading.

So since then, Kelsey and Ross have mostly read like kind of like feminist literature and things about how to be a strong mature boy.

And they're just trying to get away from the book.

How to be a strong, mature boy.

Yeah.

That was actually the original title of Catcher in the Rye.

That was actually the original title.

How to be a strong, mature boy.

Catch her in the Roy or How to Be a Strong Mature My God.

Very ironic title.

But you know how, like, how it came out, like to kill a mocking bird, she had like that first version that sucked.

That's That's what he started writing on being a strong, mature boy, and halfway through.

He's like, this is boring.

Let's just do the opposite.

What if I had a kid who was not that?

What if a kid sucked?

How'd it be?

Jamie Stalinger having a moment of inspiration.

This kid sucked.

How to be a strong, mature boy as the original title, Lord of the Flies.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Harnsworth, a kid who's trying his best.

And Francis's Peach Effect is, we're going to talk about Francis' favorite scents.

Francis' favorite scents are two dimes and a nickel.

You went in the third direction.

Because when you're getting bullied, if they see a quarter, they're like, that's basically a hamburger.

And they take the quarter, but if they see two dimes or a nickel, they're like, that's peasant shit.

And they let it go.

That's interesting.

That's wild.

Really interesting.

Definitely not true, but he tried.

Hi.

My name is Beth Mae, and I play Trudy Trout, homemaker, mother of one beautiful child, robot.

I'm going to let you in the mind of Beth Mae for a moment.

Oh, Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Get us out of here.

This is why you did that one moment show.

I see it.

One, I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing this word right or if I've already done this fact.

So that's kind of why you're like, and I didn't want to ask before because I was lazy and we were talking about so many other fun things.

If I have done this fact before, I apologize and then just tell me and I'll come up with another.

This is like the opposite of Baby Roosevelt's shot.

If I don't get a home run, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Seriously, if if you find out afterwards that you've done this fact and the audience says, well, next week you have to do two facts.

I'll do two facts.

Okay.

Whenever

Trudy is going on like a mommy spending spree,

she calls that clearing her cash.

I want to remember that.

That's a real one.

I've definitely not done that one.

That's great.

That's very good.

That's good.

That's a new one.

Never done that one.

That's 27 episodes.

27.

27.

Haven't repeated one.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I'm your Dungeon Master.

Bonus dad fact slash shameless brag for meme this week.

My wife wrote a Star Wars comic, and it comes out this week.

Dr.

Aphra, Chaos Agent by Cherish Chen, drops this Wednesday, and y'all is fucking good.

Dr.

Aphra is like low-key, one of the best characters going in Star Wars right now.

Like the best way to describe her is she's like Indiana Jones in space.

If Indiana Jones was a dirtbag criminal who needs to get her shit together, it has been such a a joy getting to watch Cherish put this book together behind the scenes.

The art is fucking incredible.

If you like Star Wars at all, you're going to fucking love this book.

So call your local comic book store today and get yourself a copy of Dr.

Aphra Chaos Agent.

Okay, let's get back to the show.

My dad facts, my DM fact, this week, the elephant's foot.

is the nickname given to the large mass of corium beneath reactor four of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant near Pripyats, Ukraine.

The mass formed during the Chernobyl disaster of April 26, 1986, from such materials as molten concrete, sand, steel, and uranium and zirconium.

It's named for its wrinkled appearance and large size, evocative of the foot of an elephant.

This fucker puts off, when it was created, nearly 8,000 to 10,000 rontogens, 80 to 100 grays per hour, delivering a 50-50 lethal dose of radiation within three minutes.

When it was first found, it was the most dangerous object on Earth, and it looks creepiest.

Until I was born.

Until Anthony Birch got his first 3DFX graphics.

Until I logged onto Quake for the first time.

How radioactive is it still?

It's not as

freaking radioactive.

You shouldn't be there.

It's like a Magic Dragon level.

You know, it's not as radioactive because someone was able to go in and take a picture of it, and the picture is the creepiest fucking picture I've ever seen in my life.

You were wearing a lot of things.

He wasn't wearing that much stuff.

And then also, it's creepy because they did like a long exposure.

So like you see like a ghosty blur of the guy who took a picture.

And it looks like it fucking ate his soul.

It's just like this big blob that fucking killed a guy.

It's great.

Can you put a link to what you're talking about in the Discord or something?

Sure.

Yeah.

Let's see what Real noble heads know.

Here's the new tech that needs to happen.

Freddy, let's hear it, baby.

I'm about to say it feels like something you would be saying.

So, so here you go.

Okay.

I want to be able to be listening to a podcast and say, hey, can you drop a link?

And they say something, and then your computer or your car or whatever could link to that.

It feels like we got AI, we got listening.

We got, well, yeah, listen to podcasts.

And my car like drives to where the sun is.

No, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry.

Like it's an audio link.

I'm going to go through that red light because a giant picture of Chernobyl filled my windowsheet all the time.

Like an audio link.

Like an audio link.

I want when somebody says, here's a link.

I say it out loud and then I get it.

I just want it.

I just want it.

And like,

just get the content direct into my veins.

I don't want to use my fingies at all.

Can you imagine if you're listening to a podcast, like, and you could buy my shirt?

And you just say, buy it.

And like your phone gets it for you.

You get there when you get home?

Yeah.

You know about the McDonald's Connect patent, right?

No.

McDonald's tried to patent.

This is so good.

McDonald's tried to patent a style of advertisement where if you have an Xbox Connect and a commercial for McDonald's starts playing, then you can automatically skip it, but only if you stand up, put your hands in the air and go, McDonald's.

I like that.

All right.

Let's shut this episode.

One, two, three.

We've worked with our podcast.

One, two, three, McDonald's.

One, two, three, McDonald's.

Previously, on Dungeons and Daddies, the podcast where we play the Peachyville horror, y'all went to Russia to find Mothman and Timmy, who'd been captured in the town of Persikovograd.

You infiltrated under the cover of being a Lithuanian bowling team known as the Lithuaniacs.

You managed to win the tournament by using most of the mind-controlled venom you need to cure Timmy.

Whatever.

But we left enough for Timmy.

Well, we don't know if it was enough for Timmy.

We know that there's a couple of drops left in Timmy.

We decided.

Yeah, we screwed it.

it's the menu.

We roll the tape.

We decided that Matt used it all and then rang a little bit back out into the menu.

Well, okay, we can look at the tape.

We pull it out.

Pull it up.

Esther, pull it out.

Esther, pull it up.

But Timmy's here.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

I take it.

Take the handkerchief.

No.

No, absolutely not.

What am I going to do?

You're going to suck it back in your mouth and spit it back out.

No, I'm going to take the handkerchief.

I'm going to wring it out into one of my milk bottles.

And that's a little bit of it.

All right, you have one tiny drop of venom left.

You have a small amount of venom.

Good thing Timmy's small.

All right, now we record two versions.

That's right, bitch.

Damn, I was wrong.

All right, other version.

That's right, bitch.

Oh, damn, I was wrong.

You're not going to use that one.

But we got some back at home, too.

There's some back at home.

But Timmy is here.

We have Timmy at here.

My understanding is that.

My understanding is that we have enough for Timmy.

But if not, we can fly Timmy home.

But if not, whose fault will that be?

I mean, I don't know.

wait wait wait

we won because of this juice we all rated on the juice we all did the juice plan i know we were all juicing will try to split us guys don't let will split us we were all

not defying us you won the bowling tournament gaining yourself an audience with the site director of building 21 the mysterious research laboratory where the dark experiments at the heart of percy kovograd have been going on we'll see what happens when you get there we'll see what spooky things you find.

Maybe Mothman's there.

Maybe not.

That'd be kind of stupid.

If he wasn't, though, that would have been bad planning on my part.

You were about to be whisked away when you noticed your handler, Anton Kolotov, who you had chloroformed with the last of your mind venom before you wrung it back into a jar, looking conflicted.

Blake lively approached him and he warned Blake that you guys were walking into a dangerous situation, handed Blake his service revolver, and on top of that, revealed that he was actually a CIA agent working for the U.S.

government.

That his real name was.

Which we all heard.

He revealed that his real name was Tony Kalat, Anton Kolotov.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah, Anton Kolotov.

How could his name be Tony Kolette?

That was the other guy.

Wasn't there, but he's dead.

Who's this guy?

But you don't know that because you never

know.

Tony, Tony Protector.

Colette.

Yes, T-O-N-Y-C-O-L-E-T-T-E.

Ah, two common names.

Welcome.

Hello.

Okay, but you have to go.

They're going to get suspicious.

Just, I've got your back.

He gives you his gun.

I fucking lock and load it and tuck it right by my groin.

Where all guns belong.

Just at Freddy's groin.

Just point at my dingling.

He's about to continue talking, but then he sees the cultural affairs liaison, the woman who was going to guide you to Building 20, come up and say, is there a problem, comrade?

Are you ready to join us on the tour?

Time is a wasting, as they say.

Looking forward to the tour.

They want us to go on the tour.

Yeah, we want you to go on the tour.

That's what we're here for.

Come this way.

So what was the deal with him?

Ah, that man is a spy.

Okay, yeah.

I'm seeing this very Soto Voce.

Okay.

Good.

All right.

Whisper.

Did he give you anything?

What's the, like, what?

He gave me a gat.

So we are armed.

Oh, okay.

Just in case.

I don't know what else he'll be doing.

Okay, so Blake's got a gun, everybody.

And that guy's a spy.

He's a spy.

But that's very secret.

Yes, do not mention.

What are you talking about back there?

Bowling strategies, secret bowling strategies.

So she leads you in through the gates and gestures to this big sprawling foyer, this sort of magnificent brutalist architecture in this big concrete slab floor.

And she guides you through the space and she says, unfortunately, the director, he has a very important meeting right now with a very special celebrity.

You may have seen on the news, da?

A man with big wings.

Da!

Ah, so you have seen him too as well.

Da.

Da.

Yes.

Your friends, they have seemed very

difficult.

They are simply in awe of the brutalist architecture on display in this lobby.

The song, where the song's good.

Well, regardless, as I said, the director is busy at the moment, but he's excited to meet you.

If you could follow me into this room to watch an informative video on uh, what we are doing here at Project Motherland.

Ah, I explained to the team, I'm like, there will be a video I will translate.

Is that Lithuanian you are speaking to your teammates?

Yeah, da, Englas,

You speak English?

Englas?

Yes, it is one of the languages.

Well, what?

You say

you do

are learning English.

Tournament in America.

Wish to destroy capitalist systems.

Practice.

What are they saying?

They don't speak English.

They are practicing English.

No, but what are they saying?

We are speaking and practicing English for an upcoming tournament in America where we will crush the capitalist yes very good i see okay well you tell them that that is okay with me

but people don't like english here so it might cause offense they should be careful when they speak but i being enlightened cultural affairs minister this is okay with me ah team she's cool with english but other people on the will not be cool with english

other people to mind their fucking business oh good point it's nice that we can talk to each other but wait everybody really quick though yes i mean like i know you you've watched some spy movies here and there a lot of times somebody pretends like they don't know the language we're talking so it's nice that we can talk to each other in english but i'm not so sure that that guy doesn't actually speak english that's a good point so you know try to keep him off guard with like oh he's got such a big hog down there i think all three of us should suck on it and have a great time

and i'm watching and i'm watching the russian to see if he's that's an insane thing to see yeah it's crazy to say that i wish i just got my

whole head down in his pants i want my whole head in his pants and i want to live in there she nods not understanding what you're saying okay i think she's either in favor of this idea or she doesn't speak english i want to get in there okay so so she doesn't respond can i roll to see

i want to roll to see if she actually give me a psychology

see the glint of recognition in her eyes I got 87.

I failed it.

Okay.

Yeah, you have no way of knowing.

She does turn to Blake and say, what is she she saying?

She seems very like she wants me to understand something.

I don't speak English.

Okay, sorry to be so crass.

I don't think she's going to be able to do it.

No, but you, you, what does she say to me?

Oh, she was asking

the truth.

It's fine.

Oh, she was asking about the brutalist architecture.

How is it so tall and so concrete?

Oh, well, it is, in fact, a very long and interesting story.

I would be happy to tell you right now.

But unfortunately, more pressing matters.

Wait, I really must guide you into this room to see this important video.

You need to watch the video.

This important film, and we should go along.

And maybe you translate, yes, for them.

Yes.

So she kind of scoots you along to like off the foyer.

There's like a little, you know, like at a museum when they got like, oh, nice.

There's a little movie playing in there.

It's like one of those.

It's like a nice little.

Oh, there's a little movie room.

And then you go in and then you're like, this is kind of boring.

But then you sit here like another 10 minutes just to like act like you're watching it.

She guides you into this room and closes the door behind her.

Oh, we're alone.

We are alone.

I think we're already.

Hey, fucking cool with all the English.

Well, we need to be able to talk to each other.

I didn't even know you knew about hogs and sucking and all the kind of things you just said.

Yes, Kelsey, that was quite insane.

I'm a grown woman.

I don't know why that's surprising.

I just don't like to hear my teachers talk about it.

I'm not your teacher anymore.

I'm just nothing but a grown woman to you now, Francis.

Are you coming on me?

No, absolutely.

Francis, absolutely not.

We're all in this together, and I had to say something shocking.

The fact that you're like, I can't believe you said that is exactly why I had to say it because that would have made her shocked.

I wanted to know if she understood English.

That's all I was trying to do.

Okay.

If we need to communicate, perhaps use a masking in the form of pig Latin.

Everybody, give me a listen.

I'm familiar with masking, all right?

I failed.

Oh, what is my listening that I got?

Seven.

I succeed.

Oh,

exactly.

25, 25.

I succeed.

Super success for me.

You got a super success?

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

Seven?

Yeah.

I have failed.

Blake, you hear a little click when the door shuts.

And then try the knob.

You want to try the knob?

Yeah.

It's locked.

That's what Kelsey was going to try.

Oh, gosh.

We have fun.

It's been a while.

We have to set some boundaries.

Team, we are stuck in this room.

We are going to watch whatever madness they will put in front of us.

Quick, look for alternate exits.

As you say that,

the lights dim, and a

film begins to play.

Like a hatch opens up, and like a little projector beam shines onto.

Can I roll spot hidden though?

Yeah, to see if there's another exit.

Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead.

Like give me a disadvantage as lights to go out.

78.

Never mind.

I fail.

Okay.

Basically, you hear this like

you know, some old pretty good, Will.

Thank you.

Old newsreel music.

You hear da da da.

And like, basically, this newsreel starts playing over stock footage of guys in science lab coats doing science-y stuff and, you know, pictures of Russia.

You hear the following.

Welcome, esteemed comrades, to Project Motherland.

Ah, it's good that they have subtitles.

In Russian.

Yes, you're going to have to.

No, in various languages.

No, they don't.

They only have it in Russian.

Just so we can get through this, we can assume that Blake is explaining what's going on to the rest of you guys.

But dear listeners, I, Freddie Wong, player of Blake Lively, will chime in when the translation isn't perfect.

Okay.

Can't wait.

Interesting.

Welcome, esteemed comrades, to Project Motherland.

You have chosen, or been chosen, to participate in a great adventure.

Together, arm in arm, we will bring about a new age of harmony for the workers of our world and every world beyond.

But first, some history.

It switches over to like newsreel footage of the Oak Ridge nuclear facility disaster in Tennessee.

In 1939, decadent Western filmmaker Joseph Joseph Abrams performs an occult ritual at the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility and makes contact with a powerful entity from beyond space and time.

Despite the best efforts of inept capitalist spies to cover up the incident, word quickly spreads.

Soon, every major government on Earth has made contact with a pantheon of extra-dimensional beings known as the Powers That Be.

The Powers show their true wisdom to many, but only to us, only to the USSR, do the powers reveal their true purpose and mankind's glorious destiny.

And then you start seeing like this trippy, ethereal, sort of special photography of space and like little diagrams with strange symbols.

Soon, the veil between our reality and theirs will grow thin, thin enough for a hole to be torn through it.

With their guidance and our collective will, we, the people of Russia, will bring this moment, this hour of the whole to pass, and the powers that be will descend on our world, and the workers of the world shall unite with the world as one mind, one flesh, one psyche, one spirit, one will, and we will be born anew, and we will take our seat among the stars.

We know this may seem strange.

We know you may be afraid, but be not afraid.

Sit back, back, relax your body, and listen to these short words from our site director.

And the footage cuts to just like this weird, grainy shot of a big glowing heap of radioactive scrap metal in a massive rubble-strewn room with a dirt floor.

It looks kind of like the elephant's foot.

My foreshadowing is being gone.

He declared.

The footage starts to get brighter and brighter.

Like you're hearing this buzzing noise, and you hear this voice come in and start speaking to you.

I will plug my ears and close my eyes.

I follow whatever Blake is doing.

Same.

Okay, you're gonna plug your ears before he even starts talking?

Yeah, and close your eyes.

I feel like I would absolutely follow the peer pressure event.

Okay, well, in that case, I won't read the thing that he was gonna read.

Hell no.

But wait, if you read it and the audience doesn't close their ears and close their eyes, are they gonna?

Is the crazy thing gonna happen to them?

Audience members, plug your ears if you don't wish to hear what I'm about to say.

You are aware of everything, and yet you are not aware.

You are listening with your subconscious mind, while your conscious mind is far away and not listening.

Your conscious mind is far away and not listening.

Your subconscious mind is awake and listening and hearing everything, while your conscious mind remains very relaxed and peaceful.

You can relax peacefully because your subconscious mind is taking charge.

And when this happens, close your eyes and let your subconscious mind relax.

And as this murmuring goes on, you guys can't hear it.

Oh, Beth's listening.

Beth's in blogger ears.

You hear this dulcet droning.

Do we hear now?

This is now Will, the DM, explaining what's going on.

Fingers out.

Fingers out.

Suns out, guns out.

As you hear this muffled, dulcet, hypnotic voice, the screen, like I said, grows brighter and brighter and brighter.

It seems to take on this sort of like otherworldly hue.

We can see through our eyelids because our eyes are closed.

Yeah, our eyes are closed.

Your eyes are closed too?

Yes.

Okay.

I guess we start seeing, like, we can tell it's like.

We're colors.

Yeah, we can tell it's brighter.

It's brighter.

It's getting brighter.

Yes, yes, it's getting brighter and brighter and brighter in the room.

It's like a hot sun right on your face.

And you feel almost like your skin is starting to burn ever so slightly.

Like you've just been exposed to the sun for hours.

And you can feel your skin starting to crinkle and paint.

I want to dug under the seat.

Are there multiple rows?

Like, I want to get behind.

Yeah, you can dug under the seat.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

That's great.

As you're doing all that, everybody give me, so if you guys had not been smart, I would have made this a hard roll.

It would have been even harder for Freddy because he could understand it.

Everybody give me a pow roll with advantage.

Ooh, Freddie, thank you for thinking of it.

Ooh.

49 out of 85, that's just a regular success.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got advantage.

Oh, yeah, we have advantage.

My power is 40.

I got a four.

Whoa.

I got a good roll, too.

My pal is 55 and I got a 10.

My pal is 25, but I got a nine.

So super successful.

Okay, so you all succeeded.

Yes.

Yo, we're rolling hot today, boy.

Great.

So you're all hunkered down.

You got your eyes closed and your ears plugged.

You're under the seats.

Did we see, is there like a physical projector in the room or is it like baked into the floor?

It came out.

Yeah, there was like on the wall.

It popped open.

There was like a little hatch that popped open.

Okay.

Was it at height where one of us could conceivably like run up and like jam something into it?

You'd have to climb to get up, but yeah, you could absolutely go do that.

But before you do, everybody make me a disadvantaged listen roll because you're plugging your ears and the video is getting pretty loud.

My listen is 20 and I got a 22.

My listen is 27.

I got 93.

Oof.

My listen is 40 and I got a 53.

My listen is only 25, but I got a 20.

With disadvantage?

I got a one and then a 20.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Whatever it is.

Zero.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Francis, what were you about to do?

I was going to turn away from the screen, which I feel like I could feel which direction the heat's coming from, so I was able to do that without looking at it.

Okay.

And then basically tap Trudy and Blake on the shoulder, whoever's closest to me on the shoulders.

And then if they do open their eyes, point up at the projector and then do like a cutting throat gesture against the neck.

But to do that, you are looking at the projector.

Yeah.

The light that is streaming out of this thing is also streaming out of the projector.

So give me one more power roll.

I'm not going to make you keep doing this over and over again, but I feel like since you're now looking, that's an escalation.

My power is 40.

I got a 57.

So as you glance up at it, to do this, you become entranced by the light and you start to just go catatonic as you're staring at it and your arms fall fall slack at your sides and you can feel something

burrowing into your mind.

You can feel something just starting to grope around at the edges of your psyche.

Look at Francis.

Oh no.

I'm going to stand in front of Francis and then I have my fingers my ears, but I move my elbows around his ears to cover his ears.

If you can physically do that to me, it feels like you should get away with it.

And I'm kind of like headbutting him too.

I'm trying to wake him up.

So you go over to wake up Francis.

Yeah, covering his face from the screen and covering his ears with my elbows.

Francis, give me another disadvantaged willpower roll to see if this breaks the spell.

98.

No, it doesn't.

As that's happening, Beth, you feel something light land on your nose.

I opened my eyes.

That's all it takes, Beth.

Yeah.

She could also like do this before she jumps her eyes.

Well, so you're also 180.

I think I'd be really surprised if you're like, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair.

That's fair.

Okay, well, then two things happen.

You see a moth on the tip of your nose, but then you also see the video again.

So give me one more willpower roll.

Okay.

And I have a 55.

Let me roll again.

I got a 70.

Okay.

So you, for one moment, are like, oh my God, there's a moth.

Is it Mothman?

And then you are mesmerized by the film and you too begin to feel something burrowing its way into your bone.

The other two of you.

The smart ones.

Smart ones.

You hear the door click open again.

A doctor and two burly sort of like orderlies step into the room.

So the first person they see is Matt attempting to wake up Francis.

So let's go ahead and do a combat initiative.

This one won't be too long.

I presume I don't have to.

No, no, you're out for now.

Like you ready?

I have a gun.

You ready for this shit?

You pull that shit out right away.

Fucking down the iron sides, dude.

Pop, pop.

Bro, I don't even need, bro.

I don't even need the Tom Cruise collateral this shit, dude.

We're going to center, homie.

Play homie.

That's my briefcase.

God, what a fucking moment.

What a film.

What a picture.

Referring collateral, of course.

The two goons are going for Matt, and the doctor seems to be coming for you.

All right, well, I'm going to.

But the doctor is a woman.

I can't brainwash this kid.

The point-blank firearm range rule says that the shooter's targets within one-fifth of their decks in feet, I get a bonus guy.

Yeah.

Like 10 feet.

Yeah, I'm just going to shoot the doctor.

All right.

So you're just opening fire from the jump.

Yes.

You got a revolver from our friend Tony Collette.

And there are now seven people entering the room.

No, there's three, but this is one of your six bullets.

Go ahead and give me a firearms roll.

Yes.

With a bonus dice.

48.

What's your skill?

20.

So you miss.

But you know, a gunshot is a warning still.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I roll

rattlesnakes rattle.

Yeah.

So I got 48 out of 22.

So I need to get a one.

One or a zero.

Come on, baby.

One out of five.

That ain't

20%.

Six.

So you spin around in your seat and aim up on the docker and fire off a shot and it goes way wide.

And now all hell is about to break loose in this room.

Question for you.

Revolver, you chose like the loudest gun.

I don't know how the brainwashing thing works or whatever.

Does the gunshot snap them?

Like, does it reverse?

Do they respond?

Do I notice Francis or Trudy responding to the gunshot?

Both Francis and Trudy give me another disadvantaged willpower roll.

Ooh, now I pass.

Oh, you passed.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so then you actually, yeah, the deafening sound of this gun going off snaps you out of it for a second so you guys are also now both in the initiative order so you did accomplish something okay great i will yay

do i have my bowling ball did you guys bring your we would have bowling bags and our bowling bags because i i do think that we went right from the bowling that's true all right you have bowling bags my point gentleman lady is that if we were lithuanian bowlers This is still a valid reaction to what is happening.

Like, if you were just Lithuanian bowlers, you were promised a tourist attraction, and he showed up and he started getting brainwashed.

You'd be like, what the hell is going on?

And you fight your way out of here.

So we can still, we still keep our cover.

So it's the goons turns next.

They see the two of you snap out of it, but they're closer to Kelsey and Francis.

So they are going to go ahead and try to subdue both of you with their night sticks, with their billy clubs.

Goon number one is going to take a swing at you first, Francis.

Okay.

I would like to dodge.

My half-stack is 30.

I rolled an 18.

Oh, nice.

So that's a success?

Yes.

Not quite a super success, but yes.

All right.

Well, he got a 97.

So he takes a big swing at you with his nightstick.

It's a coronary.

He's a fumble.

His night stick actually clanks on the

wall and falls out of his hand.

So he's going to need to pick it up if he wants to use it next turn.

Matt, the other one is going to take a swing at you.

Okay, yeah, I'm going to fight back.

What'd you do?

25.

Super success because I have 60, so under 30.

He got a normal success.

So bam, he goes to punch you, and you give him a boxer.

You're already in like the duck and weave position.

Alpha and Omega is back.

So you juke him.

That's right.

Give me a roll for damage.

Fist.

Pray.

Love.

They'll survive this punch.

I love you.

Love your neighbor like you love

yourself.

Whatever.

Roll for damage.

What's your damage?

One damage.

Okay, so you crack him on the jaw.

That's just a taste.

Nice.

Okay.

I could do two more damage than that normally.

So think about how much that hurt.

I'd multiply that by 200%.

That's what could happen.

No, no, multiply 300%.

Oh, shit.

Oh, wait, no, it should be two damage.

Sorry.

Two damage?

Because 1.5, one and a two is one damage.

Three and a four is two damage.

Okay, so 2 damage.

Twice as strong as you thought.

The doctor is now going to take a swing at you, Blake.

Sure, you want to swing at me, buddy?

Take it all in one, take, take it all in.

Actually, not the doctor.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

Oh.

Is it?

I forgot that.

That was actually his turn.

So, yes, it's your turn.

What would you like to do?

So you two have snapped out.

Suplex.

We're good.

Suplex.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to try to...

pull the guy's head like so that his neck is like you know on the edge of the chair you know oh my god and then like elbow down

oh my god like break his neck over the chair you know i know that would kill you but i feel like that would feel so good for a second

it feels really good until it doesn't yeah so it's like a maneuver right or something yeah we'll call this a fighting maneuver and that'll be part one of it um to pin him down and then i think what i'll do is then he can try to break free on his next turn but then you can break his neck on your next turn or just threaten him okay cool okay so give me a fighting brawl roll that will be what we roll your fighting maneuver with so 45 and my fighting brawl is 60 so normal success okay so he is going to um try to dodge back he got a 37 and his dodge is 35 so yes you grab him and you bring him down onto the chair and on your next turn you can try to snap his neck nice like keep acting like roof be like we're just someone be bowling what's going on got it it is the doctor's turn the doctor is going to um lunge at you blake with a syringe try to stick you there's never anything good in that No.

I've never seen a movie where somebody stabs it in with a syringe and thinks for the Dark City.

What happens in Dark City?

At the end where he stabs in with the syringe and gives him all the memories of how to fight and somebody's amazing at fighting.

Shit.

That's kind of cool.

That's not what it's in this syringe.

I want to fight back with my gun.

Can you fight back with a gun?

Hey, buddy.

We'll move to the top of Blake.

Little

thing called

CQC.

CQC.

All right.

Yeah.

Give me your firearms, Roll.

This is crazy because, like, we're in a situation where it's probably smarter for me to not do that.

It's a place you find yourself often, Freddy.

I know.

Well, you know, I'll tell you this.

I'll do a dodge.

I'll try and dodge him.

Which skill is higher?

Dodge.

Okay, well, then, yeah, maybe you should dodge.

Yeah, I'm a dodge.

What is your firearm skill?

22.

22!

He's not good at guns.

19 on dodge.

Too bad.

I would have fired super success on the dodge.

Super success.

Okay, he got a regular success.

So he takes a swing at you, and you just watch this pointy little glinty syringe needle dripping some kind of weird green goo slide right past your neck.

But he does not succeed in hitting you.

I go, what are you doing?

We are just a bowling team.

Nice.

What is this nonsense?

The film sucked.

I'm going to aim for the doctor.

Okay.

And I'm going to hit him with my 13-pound bowling ball.

Ooh.

Are you throwing it or are you swinging at it?

And what are you doing?

How far away am I?

That's up to you.

If I'm close enough to hit him, I'll just like hold on and

just clonk him.

Clonk him.

I like this plan.

Give me a fighting brawl roll is the one.

I got a 22.

Hell yeah.

What's your score?

35.

35.

So that's a regular success.

He is going to try to dodge.

He fails.

And then what's your damage bonus?

1d4.

Okay, that's great.

Yeah, Romeo 1d6 plus 1d4.

Yeah, it feels better.

1d6.

Fuck.

1.

Okay.

1d4.

You had 1d4.

Two.

Damn it.

Three damage.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wham.

He takes a big old clonk in the head and staggers back.

I always have to remember that three damage is actually like pretty good in this game.

Yeah, no, three damage is a beefy hit.

Blake, it's your turn again.

I want to just like fucking nail this doctor right into gonads with my foot.

Okay.

I just want to go

and just fucking launch my foot vertically into his groin.

Okay.

Or her.

He or she.

I did say he's a guy, though.

Rolled in bones.

Rolled in bones, dude.

Oh,

nine.

Nine off of a brawl.

That's a super duper success.

Ooh, okay.

Well, he got a 93, so you fucking clonk him, dude.

And because you did so well, I will say add an extra 1d4 damage on top of that.

149 damage.

Nine damage?

He's liquid.

He passes out from the pain.

Like, you clonk him so hard that if this was like the Zucker Brothers movie, like, his eyes would turn into little slot machines.

And then, like, it would be like bar, bar, and then you'd fall over.

Francis, witness that I kicked a man in the ball so hard he passed out.

You two can achieve this power with discipline.

The doctor is out.

I'm going to be a role model for Francis there.

No, I appreciate it.

I'll try.

It's in the hips.

Goo number one sees his boss go down.

Don't sugarcoat it.

He saw his boss get kicked in the nuts so hard that he disappeared from this plane of consciousness.

Goo number one scowls at you, but he's got more pressing matters to attend to.

He is going to take a swing at Kelsey to try to keep her from breaking his buddy's neck.

Don't worry, Kelsey.

He'll be turned away from me at which point I can deliver another devastating nuck punch.

I want to just take it.

You just want to eat it?

Yeah.

I mean, it's not going to kill me.

It's a punch, right?

Yeah, it's a punch.

Yeah, I got 11 HP.

Yeah, but dodging doesn't hurt anything, right?

I would say if you take it.

I don't want to make you lose your grip.

I don't want to lose this grip

on this guy.

This head is where I want it to be.

All right.

I want the head to move.

All right.

Here's what we'll also say.

Give me a luck roll, and this will be to determine if he punches and then it hits like that really hard spot of your skull and it goes.

I mean, I have 15 luck.

You ever like in the bare knuckle boxing movie where like the guy punches, then like he leans into it and he hits him right in the really hard part of it?

You're not in the end, and everyone goes right into it.

That's what's happening there.

I thought you were saying it was going to kill me.

Right, no, no, no, no, no.

If you get lucky, it'll hurt him.

Oh, nice.

It is not.

Okay, so

lucky for you, he did drop his nightstick on the previous turn after biffing his last.

Yeah, I mean, that's why I took it.

If it was a night stick, I'd probably like that man.

That has no hands.

Look at his little grip.

Couldn't even hang on to it.

So now now you've got to take a punch.

He's going to roll a 1d3 plus 1d4.

Oh, that's a pretty big punch.

Three plus three.

So he hits you for six.

Whoa.

So just you take this big, meaty clock right to the skull.

Well, hold up.

He takes an injury now, right?

Something that does more than half your HP in one hit.

It's like, yeah.

Doesn't it?

Oh, shit.

You're right.

That counts as a major wound.

I regret everything.

It was pretty macho.

That was kind of cool.

That was based off of like, I'm like, well, you know, I can do 1d3.

I didn't think you could.

Yeah.

Moji could get three damage on a punch.

Maybe four.

Maybe fine.

You just got that damage bonus, dog.

Okay.

It's like the part where Thanos headbutts Captain Marvel, except if Captain Marvel just died.

Unfortunately, you are knocked off your block.

Oh, no.

Man, you collapse onto the ground.

Give me a

okay.

You said if I did dodge, I would at least hold on to his head.

Give me your constitutional role first.

The constitutional role is to see if you fall unconscious.

If you fall unconscious, you're letting go.

No.

You're going to death grip him.

They're going to pry your fingers.

Oh, like when you get, like, what's the thing where you like fencing?

Is that where you have to do that?

Yeah, the fencing is.

No, no, no.

no.

I super passed by constitution role.

I very much failed that.

He's got a chin.

I got 26, and my constitution is 54, so 27 is super.

Okay, so you nailed it.

So, okay, so yes, as a boxer, you've taken enough blows to the head to be able to grit this out.

You're like,

do I still get like a major wound or whatever?

Yes, you do.

Mark that down.

And that we'll say is a concussion because you kind of come up later.

I've drained it to your head.

Can I see if this intimidates him?

Sure.

I have a bad intimidator.

Well, I failed.

It does not.

him.

So now you're crying while recording your podcast?

Yeah, I think it looks cool, but I'll go like, oh.

The second goon, the one who's pinned, is going to try to break loose.

So he's going to do a fighting maneuver role, and he got a 78.

So he failed.

Francis, it's your turn.

I'm going to desperately look for a father figure in Blake and try to do the exact same thing to the nearest baddie.

But you're kicking him with a gun leg.

Yes, I'm kicking him with a gun leg.

Okay.

Well, no, your gun leg is not in there.

Or is it?

Yeah.

He has a gun leg.

I have a long sleeve pants.

He's got pants over it.

They don't know he's got a gun leg.

Long sleeve pants.

Yeah, I got long sleeves.

Definitely.

Okay, give me a fighting brawl roll.

My fighting brawl is 71,

and I rolled a 74.

I'm going to spend three luck to make that a success.

He is going to do a dodge.

40, he rolled a 46.

So you make contact.

Pow!

This is like a club, basically.

Because you're kicking him with a big fucking thing of wood.

That feels appropriate.

Give me a 1d6 plus your damage bonus.

Three.

Anthony, I will say, if you want to use your freebie to also shoot this guy in the balls with Brunhilde after giving his kick, Brunhilde would absolutely be okay with that.

As much as Anthony wants it, I think Francis is going to save it.

Francis is wiser than that.

Okay, so he's now taken three damage.

Kelsey, it is now your turn.

Blake.

Yes.

I want you to put a gun to this dude's head that I have pinned.

Yes.

And let's just, you know, let's talk this out.

Like, you know, put the gun to the head and be like, what's going on?

Yeah, okay, okay.

And then, you know, if it feels like that's not going to work out, you can always just pull that trigger.

The index fingers for that.

Index fingers for.

You tell me, I don't want turns to happen before that happens.

So I guess I can grab Blake's gun and do it myself, but I'd rather Blake do it.

What we'll say then is you're going to move your turn to after

Blake.

Well, I could even do it to the doctor who's unconscious, too.

That's true.

But he's not going to talk.

I want a living guy sniveling, you know.

Please.

Yeah, you can do that.

Or I can just grab the gun and do it myself, I guess.

If it's my turn then I don't want to hold my turn until Blake's turn and I'll go.

I can get your bowling ball out of the bag and hover it over his head.

Oh, shit.

You're going to fucking

do that and hold on to him.

Fuck.

I thought you were just going to snap this guy's neck.

I thought that was the plan.

No, I don't want to kill him necessarily.

Okay.

All right, fair enough.

Do we want to kill him?

He's pretty late in the game to get squeamish about killing people, but all right.

He's got fucking

16.

What do you want me to do?

I would kill him.

I like what you're doing there.

Beth, it's your

vote.

This man's life is in your hands, Beth.

I guess let's hear what he has to say.

All All right, I grabbed, I nod to Blake to toss the gun to me.

We're going to hold your turn, and then you will go after Blake.

No goons are going to go between you and Blake.

Okay, that's all I'm concerned about.

That's all I'm making sure.

No goons will go.

All right, so Kelsey, you're holding your turn until after Blake.

Trudy, what would you like to do?

I'm going to kill a man.

Rules for thee, but not for me.

I will say you still see this moth hovering doodlefully on your nose.

Yeah, I'm going to also hold my turn.

All right, Blake, it's now your turn.

I'm going to take my gun and jam it into the guy's mouth and go, taste, steal, beg, coward, beg for your life.

We will go ahead and say you guys are out of combat then.

I don't want to keep making you guys do wellpower rolls for this fucking movie playing.

It's his turn, then my turn, right?

Yeah.

Blake, shoot the projector.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good call.

Okay.

And then toss me the gun and I'll put the gun in the guy's mouth.

Oh, what a cool montage.

I don't know if that's really a montage.

Just try to...

A bunch of quick shots.

We do a bunch of fading.

I'm guessing the truly Eisensteinian concept of what a montage is.

is.

Yeah, Eisenstein's not been around yet.

He hasn't done Potemkin.

Yes, he has.

Those are the two.

He definitely has.

Anyway, I want to do what Matt said.

I want to shoot the projector lens out.

So he didn't have to worry about looking at it, huh?

Oh, that's true, too, actually.

Yeah, unfortunately.

Couldn't I just shoot the projector from below?

Describe what you want to do to me.

Not to me.

Describe what you want to do, comma.

To me.

Oh, weird.

I got a phone call from Will here.

What is he saying?

Matt, describe what you want to do.

I want to go underneath where the projector sort of portal is.

I want to aim directly where the projector would be using my powers of spatial extrapolation.

You can see it.

You can look up at it.

You're literally underneath the projector.

The part of the projector is protruding from the wall.

So you can literally see the projector.

Or you can stick your hand in there and just blindfire at it if you want.

I'm going to just put the gun right up against it and pull the trigger.

Great.

All right.

The projector explodes.

The film powers down.

The image flickers shut.

And then I toss the gun to Kelsey.

And I grab it.

Okay.

And I say eat.

And I put the gun together.

And then I pull the trigger.

You gotta head of yourself.

Eat.

And then I kill him.

Well, hold on.

Am I close to killing him?

That's your whole cool one-liner now, officially, is eat.

That's the one people know you for.

Matt says he pulls the hammer.

He says it triggers a hammer.

All right, Matt.

I think it's fair if you want to do.

I was thinking about the channel.

That's such a fucking hard ass thing to say to someone before you shoot them in the mouth.

Each.

Damn, Kelsey.

Kelsey's hardcore.

Kelsey, give me a luck roll.

Oh, no.

You're the color of the caveman.

I don't use guns while I'm at that.

This is why you don't play with guns.

Blake is like, I'm sorry.

94.

Blake's side is clean.

No.

Pray, no, no.

I pressed the

lock.

I was was going to pull the hammer back and say pray.

But I said trigger.

And I think that's fair that my slip, you know,

we got to teach the lesson.

That's why you don't put it on.

Oh, just also because we've established your up close and personal trauma with Ryan.

I'm going to bring the insanity roll as well.

Fuck.

Kelsey, you just, you shot his head off.

Why'd you say he?

Damn, Kelsey.

I've met some hard motherfuckers in my time.

I was going to say,

I didn't mean to shoot him.

I pray.

Kelsey,

please drop the gun.

Kelsey, calm down.

Remember, if you did this only four years ago, they would have given you a medal.

My sanity is 43 and I got 39.

So I passed the sandy.

In the right context, Kelsey.

You guys are officially not attacking the other guy, right?

Or what are you?

There's just still one guy up.

There's still one guy up.

I mean, we say,

look, we're just a boy.

Look upon our works and despair.

eat

we just wanna we just want to see

we want to eat we are hungry we had a big match and we just want to see the moth that's why we we want to see the big moth guy in your cool building what's going on

you are very special aren't you wow yeah we won't talk this is the goon this is the sole goon left i mean yeah we are special that's we we won a competition that's what we're doing it's okay you're meant to be here you're meant to be with us just sit back in your seat.

This motherfucker wants to eat meat.

All right, give me a mirror.

No, I don't actually see.

I just pointed a gun.

I want to stop talking.

He's.

He broke, Anthony.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

It's okay.

Everything's fine.

You're here for a reason.

Just sit back down and listen to the words of our director.

And I think he'll be okay.

Kelsey, it's time to unload.

And he goes, Kelsey remoke this fool.

I'll just go ahead and get the projector set back up.

Kelsey removes this fool.

He's going to set up the projector that I shot.

He starts walking over to the door to lock it again.

I shoot.

Okay.

Give me a firearm.

Where did I have the gun?

40.

My firearm is not great, Alan.

How was your room?

Your firearm is twice as good as mine.

No, no, no, no.

I rolled a 40.

Now remember, he's pretty close to you, so I'll give you that bonus dice because he's within 15 feet.

Okay, yeah, my firearm is 25.

That's still slightly better.

Four, so exact same thing, 4-0.

So I fail.

It's so fucked that it would be better if you threw the gun at him him hard.

Okay, so the shot misses.

Yeah.

He just turns around.

It's like, I don't understand.

You don't want to see what we have to do.

I'm going to show you.

I want to run at him and do a flying jump kick like Mayor Haggar.

No, like Mayor Haggar and final fight, dude.

All right.

Give me a

two.

You know what I'm talking about, Anthony, right?

He's in the overalls and he does the little sideways.

Okay, yeah,

give me a fighting brawl roll.

I got 97.

So I just like sail.

Okay, yes.

He just sort of like looks at you confused as you fly and crumple into the wall.

And he's like, oh, no, let me help you, sir.

And he picks you back up and starts bringing you back.

He's like, just sit in your shit.

And now I'm going to kick him in the nuts.

I'm going to throw the bowling ball at him.

Jesus.

This guy's going to be the fucking end boss.

We're going to try to kill that kid in better like tomorrow.

You guys are just fucking, it's like fucking plunt simple over here.

Trudy, give me your fighting brawl roll.

Oh my God, I'll get an 11.

You got an 11?

Yes.

Okay, great.

He's not fighting back because he realizes he's outnumbered and he's just trying to be nice and convince you guys to sit down and watch this beautiful film.

Roll damage for me, Trudy.

I got a five.

And then for my D4

damage bonus, I got a four.

Kelsey, I kicked a man with it in his balls so hard with a roll like that.

You hear his skull fracture as you hit him with this thing, but he does stay standing.

And he just turns and looks at you, and it's just blood's trickling down his nose now.

He says, but you must see.

You're meant to be.

I can't understand you.

He fumbles over to the doctor and he picks up.

The doctor has this radio on him.

Oh, and he starts turning the dials.

Let's do the thing.

Let's do something.

You know, let's finish this guy out.

Like, guys,

let's just start beating.

All four beating his ass.

Just beat his ass.

He's like a printer in office space.

He's going to be on the ground.

He won't stop.

Just let us know when he's done doing what he wants to do.

Yeah,

what's the stats?

I'm not going to make you authority.

You guys just knock him out.

Are you just trying to kill him?

We're just trying to stop him from doing the other things.

No, we're trying to stomp him.

That's right.

We're trying to stomp his ass.

We just knock him out.

If that's okay, we'll knock him out.

Just, yes, paint me the picture.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we painted a picture.

We just knocked him.

He's painting his ass.

Imagine the scene from office space.

I'll do the soundtrack.

Die, motherfucker.

Die, motherfucker, deal.

And then we're just left there with three bodies.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

He's knocked out.

He's splayed on the ground.

The projector is broken and lies smoking in the room.

The door is closed, but not locked.

He was going to be a little bit more.

And I saw a moth.

Oh, here?

Is it still hidden here?

I don't know.

Yeah, you see the moth like kind of flutters around and looks at all of you.

I bet it's going to lead us to him.

I think so.

I hope so.

I mean, it seems like the thing they wanted to do was the screen.

It'd be weird if, in addition to that, they also like, this moth's really going to fuck him up.

Well, there's two options: either it's moth for moth Jesus, and it's gonna lead us to him, or it's just a moth, and we'll open the door, and the moth will just do the moth thing

and nothing will happen.

Like, are you taking points?

I'm going to take a point.

I'm taking point.

How much, how many bullets do I have in the gun?

Three bullets left?

Three.

I'm gonna like crack the door open and like see what happens to the moth.

The moth looks out the door.

Whoa, and then it flutters around.

It's a little image of like a little moth like that peeking around the corner.

And then it flutters away from the door and over to a large vent.

And there's sort of like,

ah, is it a man-sized vent?

It's a you bet your ass it is.

This is a fucking TTRPG.

And it sort of like points to the vent as much as a mosque can do such a thing.

Oh, it's pointing.

And it sort of flutters at you.

And as it does that, you hear the radio on the doctor's hand sort of sparks to life.

You hear...

Is everything okay?

What is going on with the bowling team?

Hello.

We heard noises.

We heard what sounded like loud bang.

Everything's fine here.

Everything's fine here.

Just give us a few seconds to lock it down.

Do you need help?

Do you require assistance with the Lithuanian bowlers?

Ah, negative, negative.

We got a

gas leak.

Who's doing a thing and who's doing jokes?

I'm doing jokes.

I get on the thing and say, everything is under control.

Everything is okay?

Projector malfunction.

We fixed it.

Is the bowling team subdued?

There's a gas leak here.

Give us a second to lock it down.

Jesus Christ.

Give me a persuade roll, Freddie.

Persuade.

Or we can call that fast talk if you want.

I don't want to call it fast talk.

I want to call it persuade.

You understand?

44 out of 21.

So then, yeah, you hear a voice say, who is this?

Oh, you're coming in.

Hard to hear you.

And I smash the radio.

Boring conversation, anyway.

Boring conversation, anyway.

No, no, no.

I don't smash the radio.

I just turn it off and I hang on to it.

Nice.

I was going to say, tell them to bunker down that they're coming with guns.

Oh, good call.

Good call.

I turned it back on.

screen they've escaped they've escaped

eat

they're crazy and they've escaped they're coming for gun with guns okay give me another um persuade roll with advantage because everyone was doing such a good job making sound effects 95.

So he's like, who is this?

This is Lithuanian bowler.

Yes, remain calm.

Everything is fine.

We are sending new team to come security.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the movie.

A new Lithuanian bowling team.

You hear a click, and then you just hear like the most mild of alarms go off outside.

You hear me?

Let's get in the event.

Kelsey wants to pile the bodies in front of the door.

Yeah, that's very good.

Okay, so then you guys are going over the vent.

Yeah, and the head one, I want that one to be visible.

What if we open the door?

I want that's the one they see.

What if we bring the doctor with us as a hostage?

You want to drag his ass all the way up to this bench.

The moth has an idea.

And the moth

flutters over to the bodies and then like sits down on one of them.

We should sit on them.

And like kind of wiggles into like under the clothes.

Yeah.

Oh.

And then like pokes its head out from under the clothes.

I strip these three men naked.

I put their naked bodies in front of the door and we'll figure out how we wear these costumes later once we're in the vent.

I've never bought this as a strategy.

I feel like I pretty much know the people I work with.

If somebody came into the stove drink shop wearing my friend's clothes, crumpled up and full of blood, I'd be like, ah, but there's only like five of us.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

If somebody came in with your clothes, if somebody came in with a t-shirt that says sloppy steaks, I would think it was you.

I was talking characters, granted.

Anthony, I'm sorry, but I feel like I would let somebody else in if they were wearing a sloppy steak.

Polly Emerson autistic.

Let me in.

I would be like, come on in, Anthony.

Anthony got a lot nicer.

True, should we take all the clothes?

Yes.

Okay.

Even if we don't wear them, it will be perfect misdirection.

They will come in.

they will see all these naked people

and they will think surely they are dressed like us but little do they know we're not waiting yeah they're gonna come in and see the bodies of the clothes that means they immediately know we're gonna be dressed as those guys unless we don't dress as them

yes correct the ultimate misdirection Kelsey you've clearly infiltrated government their badges though so that we can get access to any secret doors that they might oh that's clever also

what you're presuming with this plan is that if we dressed like bowlers walk past they're gonna go nah those guys are definitely not scientists we're looking for scientists well they are looking for scientists look we have which we will not be dressed as this game has infinite inventory as far as we can tell so let's just grab the clothes in case we need it later all right it's like a point-and-click adventure yeah where will this fishing rod come into play the guy who ate the bullet i ripped the clothes off them and i put that corpse against the door first okay anybody else taking another corpse or just gotcha all by ourselves

anybody else doing this tree?

Thank you as much as I can.

We're all helping.

So you strip the clothes off of everybody.

You don't wear them and put them into like a little.

Where you're holding them.

You just got like a little bindle bundle.

We got our bowling bags.

Oh,

stuff the clothes in your bowl like that.

And we always go to the vent.

Question, question, question, question.

Do we find anything in their pocketsies?

Well, Beth already searched their pockets.

You find like some badges, so you know their names.

We do.

Key cards.

We don't need those.

And then, yeah, you've got, they each had a radio on them.

And one anime keychain.

No, the anime didn't exist yet, Brady.

Did any of them have little sweets?

Little sweets.

Little sweets.

Little sweets.

Sweetie, dude.

These people don't eat sweets.

They have no god nor sweets.

One of them had like crumbled up cracker crocs in his pockets.

That's why Tommy Dism doesn't work.

It's not going to work.

I want to get a little sugar water for the little moth, but that's a sugar water.

Sugar water.

And water.

Sugar water.

As we go in the vent, can we inspect the vent?

All right.

Oh, and we leave the door wide open as if we ran out that way.

Yes.

No, we're using the bodies to block the door.

Oh, good call.

Good call.

The door is blocked and we're in the vents.

Yeah.

Either way, somebody should stay behind and pull the vent cover back onto the vent.

Yes.

Yeah.

We want to get in the vent and pull the cover.

That can be the moth's job.

I don't think the moth's going to be able to do that.

We can do it.

We have mind control juice.

We have to do it.

We do that for Timmy.

It's not complicated.

We were saving that.

Will let us already do this.

What are we talking about?

Will said we can get in the vent and close it behind us.

It's already done.

We did it.

We did it.

We did it.

We did it.

We did it.

We don't got to figure anything else out.

We're in the vet.

Dungeons and Dazz is brought to you this week by Pretty Litter.

Wait, guys, I got one for you.

Okay.

Pretty litter.

My cat's got a pee, pretty litter.

And it's not smelly.

Pretty litter.

It's soft on their paws.

Stays fresher for long.

Roy Orbison uses Pretty Litter.

And Roy Orbison.

If it's good enough for Roy, it's good enough for me.

And Pretty Litter helps monitor Roy's cat's health by testing acidity.

I didn't say Roy Orbison's cats use it.

I said Roy uses it.

Pretty litter helps manage Roy Orbison, the name of my second cat, health by testing acidity and the alkalinity levels in the visible presence of blood in your cat's urine.

I don't know if I need pre-litter's help with that.

But I'll tell you what, them crystals, they're safe for cats and people alike.

They ship to your door, free.

So you gotta carry it.

How much would you charge someone?

How would you charge yourself to carry it from your car?

How much would I charge myself?

Think about it.

Think about it.

I am thinking about it, and it doesn't make sense.

The The ultra-absorbent formula uses less material than clay litter, reduces waste, saves money.

Ideal for, you know, apartments, busy lifestyles, or multi-cat households.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Right now, you can save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy at prettylitter.com slash dungeons.

Technically, you get two pre-cat toys because you also get the box of the pretty litter.

Yeah, you think they're playing around with that?

Pawn around?

That's a toy right there.

Pretty litter.com slash dungeons to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy.

Pretty litter.com slash dungeons.

Up new disclaimer.

Ooh, Pretty Litter cannot detect every feline health issue or prevent or diagnose diseases.

A diagnosis can only come from a licensed veterinarian.

Terms and conditions apply, sees that for details.

You know how everything's a subscription now?

Music, movies, even socks.

I swear of it.

To continue this ad, please upgrade to Premium Plus Platinum.

Uh, what?

No, anyway, Blue Apron.

This is a pay-per-listen ad.

Please confirm your billing.

Oh, that's annoying.

At least with the new Blue Apron, there's no subscription needed.

Get delicious meals delivered without the weekly plan.

Wait, no subscription?

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code Apron20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

Achu.

We are in the vents now.

You guys are scooting and squishing through this vent.

What's our order?

Yeah, what's your stack?

Who's behind the moth?

I think Trudy's following the moth.

I think Blake should be in the back with a gun pointing towards the vent.

I'm scooting back like with my ankles pointing back towards the thing, you know, like

I'm behind Trudy.

You're behind Trudy.

So girls in front, boys in back.

How are you?

Women in front.

All right, so you're scooting and shuffling.

This moth is leading you along.

And as you're worming your way through this thing, through the slats, you start to see little glimpses of this massive complex that you're in.

among the sights you see.

You hear, again, this sort of like chill boop, boop of the sort of like mildly concerned alarm going off around you mildly concerned alarm everyone's like hey something's going wrong but everyone's very calm about it interesting you see scientists and more sort of guards like sort of walking through the hallways keeping an eye out as you look down into this room where there's just three weird guys in what seem like old-timey diving suits just standing around in a small room give me a listen roll as required i'm going to hold up one of the many things we got from the clothes which is that syringe the doctor had oh i like that i'll make sure that we know that we have it you have like that in your teeth or something like that is your your yeah my teeth listen who is the best listen i have 40.

better than mine better than mine all right i'm rolling i got a 28 the dudes below you in the diving suits you can the dudes below us

they're just standing there but you can barely make out the muffled sound of them crying through their paintness

they're crying they're just standing in this room kind of facing each other and then you just hear like light muffled sobs This is wonderful.

And it's all that, like, if we stayed there a little while longer, they would just continue to do that.

Yeah, are they saying anything?

I mean, you can stay there.

You could stay there if you want.

Do you want to stay in wait

we have to keep moving

it's like a slow horror ride as you scooch around you hear like a sort of jackhammering sound off in the distance and you approach one of these vents and through it you see this big hangar bay and you see mothman's ship inside it's a couple of these guys are just basically trying to break the door down but they're having zero luck whatsoever and they're just pounding at the door how do they get mothman how do we know they have no luck what those guys remember they can spend luck together they have zero luck so if we keep remembering according to to Will, the people in the hangar have zero luck.

So they can't spend any luck.

Will just say no luck.

They're having a not successfully getting into the ship.

How do you think Moth they got Mothman out?

Do you think Timmy's still in there?

I don't know.

We didn't see Timmy in the video, right?

No, you've not seen Timmy.

You've not seen hide nor hair of Timmy.

Okay, does the ship look like it has any carbon birds on it?

What does that mean?

Like bullet holes and stuff.

Why didn't you just say bullet holes?

Because I was making a Star Wars reference.

Oh, carbon scoring.

Well, actually, yes, there is, because you see, people have been trying to go at this thing with a blowtorch, drills.

Nothing has had any effect.

They're trying to get in.

They're trying to get in.

There must be a code that Mothman has set.

I have a feeling that knowing Mothman, I bet if you went in there, it would probably open for you.

That's my guess.

Well, that's the last thing we should do then.

Yeah, because I'm scared that if we get in and we find Timmy, what are we going to do then?

How are we going to get out?

They don't know how to fly it.

And the reason they want to get in could be really fucked.

They could be like a nuke on there or something.

We don't want to let them get in any sooner than we have to.

That's stupid idea, Kelsey.

Keep moving.

No, Mothman would not put a nuke on ship with my son.

I mean, maybe he came with a nuke.

No, he wants to eat the world at some point.

Remember?

At some point, Kelsey.

Also, sorry, this is Matt thinking in like Doctor Who Logic was like, if we get into the TARDIS, it'll bring us to the doctor.

So we can move on.

The TARDIS, no, let's go, TARDIS.

Maybe Timmy's in there.

Maybe Timmy's in there.

That would be good.

I hope Timmy's safe in there.

Sure, he is.

I hope the TARDIS can bring us to the doctor.

That was a stupid show.

How dare you.

How dare you?

The moth kind of like floats up to you guys.

It's like, you want to keep going?

Oh, it can do that.

Oh, sure.

No, it doesn't say that.

It's just

it with the body light.

No, we keep going.

It says it in Russian, so only Blake can hear it.

See, I didn't realize that this tour was just look and no talk.

I didn't realize it was.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Process all the things you're saying.

It's just also like, there's again, we got to keep going.

We got to keep going.

We got to keep going.

You continue your trek.

Down another window, you see a big room with like a 124th scale model of the entire town of Peachyville, just like meticulously recreated.

There's a guy in a robe, like waving incense over it.

Who knows what the fuck he's doing?

I can see my house from here.

There's one Matt Arnold-looking dude just killing it on the miniatures.

Fucking his dick sucked too.

He's surrounded by babes.

Try to paint a miniature while this happened.

Wait, what's

going to do, isn't she?

Yeah.

Try to paint a miniature.

The line, try painting a miniature while this happens.

Yeah.

He specifically moved and says, try to hack while this happens.

Fucking YouTube thumbnail ass looking thing.

You won't believe what happened when I tried to paint this mini.

Trying to hack while this happens.

Try to paint a mini while, not gaken.

And finally, you come to a

finally you come?

Finally, you arrive at the sort of like end of the line here and you arrive at a vent that is peering down at what appears to be like a security room.

Security camera.

There's a guard looking at a bunch of monitors.

He's very just sort of enraptured just staring at these monitors below you.

It's nice to love your job.

And the moth slips through and goes into the security room and like just kind of perches on top of this bank of monitors.

How many people are in the security room?

Just one.

Oh.

I have an idea.

Go.

In Project Heartland, we were guided by Arlo, the computer dog.

Maybe there's a a Russian Arlo.

Arlovich.

Yes.

I don't know if there's any evidence that that thing exists.

Oh.

I just thought, you know, if we could hack into the security system somehow.

Well, trudy, are you not part computer?

You can hack.

You're right.

You speak the language.

You know Unix systems.

It's a unix system.

I know this.

I want to slowly open the vent.

Stealth or dexterity, whichever you want.

Wait.

If it's stealth, we should let the stealthiest person do it.

That's me.

That's Francis.

Francis is not in the prime.

Yes, but we can't move around.

We're going to all walk over the vent until Francis gets to the vent.

Like a train.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Hey, they can unload the train car at any point, right?

The train just has to go a little further.

You guys scooch through the vent so that Francis is at the vent.

Unfortunately, I rolled a 32, so it's only a super success because I have a 90 stealth, baby.

Okay, so yes, you carefully, cautiously open this vent.

There's now nothing but wide open air between you and the top of this guy's head.

I guess I'm the biggest.

I could just drop on him.

And then you guys can hop down and I'll hop you down.

What do you want to drop down?

You have to drop on him quietly.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not going to matter once he hits it.

Yeah.

Well, maybe he has friends nearby.

That's a really good point.

Actually, I should take that back, buddy.

Okay.

I'm going to drop down.

If I look up worried, that means there's more friends.

If I look up happy, that means there's nobody else in here.

Okay.

You crossed over it, so you're going to have to back up out.

Where is your bowling ball bag?

With me.

Okay, so it's like in front of you?

Oh, you just drop a bowling ball.

I'm going to hold my bowling ball.

I'm going to drop down.

And yes, I'm going to try to make the the bowling ball hit him on the way down, but I'm also just landing on him.

Okay, I love that.

I don't even think this is like an attack horse.

No, I just land on him.

Yeah, you just land on him.

Gravity shit just happens.

Gravity happens.

All right.

That's the sequel to gravity falls.

Gravity happens.

And then the other three people fall, then we just beat his ass.

Just all four ass.

Yeah, distracts him long enough for each one of his individuals to come in and fall on him as well.

People beat his ass also.

I think we found a way to break this game.

Turns out you just beat everybody's ass.

You're fine.

Turns out if you're four people just rolling dice and swinging fists, nothing can stop you.

I want to get in the middle of these four players because they should beat your ass all four of them at once.

Use fall damage rules, 1d6 per 10 feet.

And so then a fall from a ceiling vent would be 1d6.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Give me a 1d6.

But do I get like less damage because I'm landing on him instead of like the ground?

No, this is for him.

This is call an ambulance, but not for me.

This is what this is for him.

Hell yeah.

He takes one.

I will let you spice it up a little bit if you're holding the bowling ball under you and you're going to clonk him in the head because it'll be the sort of concentrated force of the bowling ball.

Give me a 1d4 for the bowling ball.

Two.

Three damage.

Okay.

You land on him.

You've basically clonked this guy onto the ground.

What is everybody else doing?

I'm watching for Kelsey to smile or grimace.

Yeah, is there anybody else in this room?

No, he's not.

I'm smiling.

Okay, I hop down too, but I try not to land on Kelsey.

Okay, that's what that motion was.

Yeah.

It's like a little dance.

Yeah, I was trying to.

Because like when you're hanging on,

when you're hanging on to something, something, you can kind of like slither in air to like not land where you thought you were going to land.

Okay, so you're not trying to land on the guy.

I'm not trying to land on Kelsey.

Okay, well, Kelsey's on top of the guy.

So you're just trying to land in the room.

Yeah.

She's trying to land.

So there's like, imagine there's like four corners around the guy.

That if one person was in each corner, you can just beat their ass.

So she's landing on one of the different corners of Kelsey.

And everybody else is going to land around him.

Great.

All right.

You all all do that.

And then, Kelsey, give me a fighting maneuver role to assume grapple this guy so your friends could beat his ass, right?

Yeah.

Fighting Brawl, 60, and I got a 48.

Okay, great.

So you grapple him.

He's going to get one chance to break out.

Okay.

And then the rest of you are going to get a chance to beat the shit out of him.

You know those videos of white blood cells that surround like the virus?

That's just how we're moving.

That's just how we're moving through this base.

He got a 91.

So he wriggles.

He's like, he's just very confused and now yes die motherfuckers from optus space starts playing

this is why we're called guttural scream yeah

i'm gonna kick him in the gut

so he just pan out of the room as you hear

guys if we just keep isolating bad guys one by one we could do this literally forever

yeah

let's look at what he's watching somebody should make like a bell girls all game where you move with four people

He's always beat ass.

That'd be so fun.

The ass beat for game.

Oh shit.

And we come back and I don't know if you've tied him up or basically.

Yeah, we tie him up.

Okay.

What's left of him?

That was pretty fucking beat.

He's dead.

He's tied up.

Judy, do you want to talk to Moth?

What do we do now?

We're in here.

I guess we look at what he was watching.

Oh, okay.

On security cameras.

Yes, you see this bank of monitors in front of you that are showing you little blips and blurps from throughout the facility.

Moth, which one should I look at?

The moth lands on a camera called Director's Office.

And it's the same glowing pile of scrap that you saw in the footage before you all got temporarily hypnotized.

But it's glowing and radiating.

And even again, the image of the monitor seems to even be a little bit more staticky.

Like there's just something powerful coming off of this thing.

In front of it, the camera switches to another angle in the room, and you see that Mothman is shackled to like a post just like tied up in front of this thing and he's sort of writhing and groaning but resisting some horrible thing that's trying to take hold of him oh no and the moth like wiggles over and like crawls across the screen and then as you're watching you see a door slide open in the footage and two guys in those diving suit kind of apparatuses step in and they're dragging someone with them and it is the bus driver who picked you up in the middle of the woods uh it's like a member of your spy spy team, essentially.

The guy who, the guy who ended, he seems to have gotten caught.

He's all beat up.

It must have four guys.

Holy shit.

As he gets dragged closer and closer to this glowing radioactive pile of metal, he just starts screaming and struggling.

He's like, no, no, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

You can literally see him starting to fall apart as he's dragged towards it.

Like his skin burns more and more.

And these like boils start appearing on his face and his eyeballs start to bleed.

And by the time they've brought him up, he's just basically a pile of gooey flesh and bone.

And then

nothing happens to the guys in the suits.

Nothing happens to the guys in the suits.

The guys in the suits turn around and walk back out the door.

Moth Jesus is attached to how.

He's just like Christ, like shackled to a shackle.

Yeah, he's just like

straight up like Christ.

Plus neon Genesis evangelist.

He's sort of neon Genesis to a

shackles.

Yeah, he's like tied up.

We also like, we we don't necessarily have to get that close to like finding a, like, we can find a way to break the shackles from far.

I think Trudy starts freaking out.

Like,

how are we supposed to do this?

How are we supposed to get that close to a very dangerous thing to help Moth Jesus to help my son to get the ship out of here?

It's just, it's just

I'm sure Timmy is safe.

I'm sure that's why Moth Jesus would keep him in the ship, right?

And they can't get in the ship.

And it looks like those suits are safe.

So we just got to get to those suits and we got to get Moth Jesus.

And we know where the ship is.

They're crying in the suit.

Maybe they're little bitches.

Oh, I mean, did you consider that?

No, I hadn't.

Oh, the people were crying that were waiting in there.

Yes.

It may still affect you.

Maybe you just got to do it really fast.

Okay.

Even with the suits, maybe it really hurts you getting close to it.

Yeah.

But we still got to save Moth Jesus.

Yes.

So let's start our way to that room.

Moth.

The moth just looks at you.

Can you hack this?

Can you fly from one camera to like, you know the layout of this place, right?

Just lead us to where Moth Jesus is.

Are you going to spot the moth?

No, we need to go where the suits are.

Oh yeah.

Suits first and then to

moth Jesus.

As the moth flies across the panel, you see a couple of things.

You see the director's office, this room.

Outside of it, you see a reception area in front of the director's office with this person slumped up over a desk that appears to be the director's receptionist.

You see on another moth.

They're like served up like dead or like they're just laying like slumped over.

Just not dead, but just like.

Okay.

Just barely hanging on.

Okay.

So something's happening to them.

Yeah.

And again, each one of these little things are labeled the camera.

You see a commissary where there's a bunch of these smiling, sunburned people just sort of all eating bowls of slop, basically, just bowls of gruel silently at these long cafeteria tables.

You do see a couple of guys in those diving suit apparati in the commissary.

They're just standing under a spigot and having this like slop dumped into the top of their helmets.

Wow.

Playing the same slop they're eating?

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

I think it's great.

You see a camera marked human resources, and you see this old grandmotherly lady, like with a bunch of candles and incense, and you know, in this sort of weird librarian office.

Be careful.

We want the suits.

Can we see in any of the cameras?

Yes, you see a camera that is the room where the three guys were standing.

Yeah.

And are there like suits like empty?

Like, is that where they store suits?

No, that's just there's three guys.

Okay.

We can't see any places.

Not that you can see.

And we could deduce that because they're literally feeding them in the suits.

That they're people.

That you kind of, I don't know that, but also that like it must be hard to get in and out or they just stay in them for a long time.

Yeah, that's very fair.

Because if it was easy to get in out, they would just take their helmets off and eat like a normal person.

That's totally true.

But they still have to like have some way of getting them out.

Yeah.

How do they pee?

Probably just in the suit.

Oh.

God, the dream.

They probably have a hole at the top of the head.

And then they have like their bottom of the shoes are kind of like little two points of ingress, baby.

Yeah.

The shoes are probably like little like strainers.

So only the pee can come out, but number two stays in the boot.

Never two stays in the boot with you.

It's like a sieve.

It's like a sieve.

The last monitor you see is a monitor that says informational terminal, parentheses, Leica.

And next to it.

I'm not feeling like the dog.

You see a microphone on a table next to a jar of milk bone treats.

You were right, Jerusalem.

We have to save Leica.

What do you think?

Should we go to where Leica is?

That seems like a good idea.

We're all here now.

We might as well like, you know, I'm not saying it's the perfect disguise, but it might be better if we look like scientists, like, just at a glance.

It's probably better than our current clothes.

Kelsey, you can't wear the doctor's outfit.

Why not?

You're a woman.

You can't be women.

I mean, women can't be doctors.

Oh, that's true.

We should

be like the job that we want.

And I don't want to be a doctor.

I want to be a teacher.

So, Blake, you can have the doctor's outfit.

Very good.

I'll have a guard outfit.

Oh, wow.

I'm a big, strong guard now.

Yes.

Drew, are you a guard too?

We all got to be guards.

I'll be a guard.

Let's hear your guard voice.

Oi, what's all this?

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

Oi.

What's all this then?

Oh, don't you intimidate her?

Hers is bad.

I'm just looking, Frances, you tell us how to be a guard then.

Hey, motherfucker.

All right.

We got it locked in.

All right, right.

We're locked in.

I think we try not to talk if we don't have to.

All right, moth.

The moth leads you out the hallway.

You confidently, like you got somewhere to be.

You're not looking at anybody for anything.

Yeah.

Who's got the highest disguise skill?

I have 40.

I have five.

Wow.

Five.

Five.

Pretty crazy.

And none of us thought disguises would matter in this game.

I thought.

Yeah, good job, Ben.

You got an eight?

Yeah.

Oh, spend that three luck.

Yeah, why not?

Well, we'll see what Trudy rolls.

All right, Trudy, roll to bones.

82.

I will spend three luck.

It's a group, so it's whoever

one of you makes it.

I'm going to let the group do it.

And next time, I will do the roll so you guys don't know how good your disguise is, but I will allow it for now.

We also walk like a flying V.

So that way we can always just like

just surround somebody.

You're like, walking to somebody.

Right, right.

And beat their ass in the side.

It's a clause of death, as it were.

Yeah, a clause of death.

Walk around like a clause of death.

You fly.

I don't think you can do a flying V with four people.

Yeah.

Quack.

Who's at the center of the V?

Think about a square, four people on the square, they just open that up.

Here's what it is.

The two people are kind of side by side.

The other two in the wings are ready to close off any action.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's really just two people a little wider.

It's strange because then if you have to run, you turn around.

Now you got a tip of the spear.

Just to clarify, I just want to make sure you understand.

If we turn around, we actually move.

So we reverse back into the flying V.

We never fly tip of the spear.

We always go into.

Yes, astrap.

All right.

So, yeah, you manage to, in your flying V formation, walk down the hall.

You pass one or two other people on their way, but they don't suspect anything.

They give you a friendly wave, even.

It's the first time Francis ever looked confident in his life.

Wow.

And yeah, you make it to this room, the information room.

The door is unlocked and you step inside.

And sure enough, you find yourselves once again at a little desk.

And in front of the desk, you see a horrifically medically altered dog with a bunch of wires poking out of it.

It's not a severed head like Arlo, but Laika is like jacked into a bunch of electro tubes and wires and is in kind of like an iron lung situation.

Man, we really are more similar than we are different, huh?

Laika sees you coming and says, Approach, who goes there?

Is he speaking English or Russian?

He's speaking Russian.

Okay.

Who goes there?

Who is this?

I will speak.

Hello.

Who are you?

Who is this?

You are a new smell.

What should I say?

You should ask me.

Who is talking?

Who are you talking to?

Why do you speak in English?

Who's a good boy?

I only answer questions for treats.

Leica is strong dog, but Laika needs a reward.

Give me a treat.

What is a treat?

Well, there's a box of them.

Yeah.

Ah.

So you see this jar, and there are four milk bones in the jar.

So we get four questions.

So we have four things we can ask in return for treats.

Oh, okay.

Yes, great.

Shall we arrive at consensus for what the questions we should ask?

We should ask what is happening at the elephant's foot that destroys people.

I think the first question we should ask is: who's a good girl?

I give her a treat.

And Laika's like, Laika is a good girl, Laika is a good Soviet girl, Laika is a good cosmonaut.

Sorry, it just feels like we should just give her one without, you know, expecting anything from her.

She's a nice dog.

That's a fair.

That's fair.

We got some questions.

Question number one, Laika.

Oh, over here.

Over here.

Yes.

What is going on with the elephant's foot that causes everybody to go crazy and get hurt?

Elephant's foot.

What do you mean by Ellis Fitz?

The room with the big lowy thing.

Ah, yes, you mean the site director.

Yes.

The thing itself is the site director?

Ah, two treats.

That is not fan.

I will not answer that question.

Another treat.

Give me another treat.

That's okay.

That doesn't count.

We inferred it.

We inferred it.

Okay, so no.

So that's the site director.

Oh, this is a very busy day.

Today is a big, great, glorious day for Project Motherland.

You see, we have captured the spaceman, the space moth, and the director is busy trying to get information out of this space moth.

Recalcitrant, very stubborn, the space moth will not let us onto his ship, but we will find a way.

We will find a way into the ship, and then we will fly the ship high into the sky, high into the night sky, and use what is inside to commence the hour of the hole.

I relay that.

Okay.

Can we ask if there is a American boy they found?

No, don't No.

You don't want to ask Laika?

Because if they haven't, then you just told them that there is one.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's just Laika.

Okay.

You don't want to know if Timmy's here?

What should we do?

Should we ask?

We can assume that Timmy is here.

You are right.

We must be careful of what strange information we feed into this.

Yes.

Would it be worth asking, like, where are the spare diving suits or like how to get into the diving suits easily?

That's a good idea.

Well, maybe we ask, because we can find diving suits, maybe ask why they're crying in there so we know how dangerous

it is to go to it.

Yes, like the men who are crying.

Oh, over here, over here.

Look at treatment.

Why are they crying so?

What is so dangerous about that?

First, give me treat.

Well, start your answer.

Forgive me treat, and then I will answer.

Okay.

You speak of the office technicians, the director's office technicians.

Yes, the men who are permitted to walk in and out of the room.

It is very strenuous jobs, psychologically, mentally, and it is also jobs you once you do, you do forever.

So it is very sad life.

We let them cry.

Okay, so maybe it's not the suit maybe also very painful suit very painful just having the suit on is very painful we let them cry because suit is painful and life is hard oh right that's fine what else what else what if we how many cookies

i only see one more cookie that's try breaking the treat in half

oh i break the treat in half like away from it like oh i found solomon over here you break the treat in half yeah okay

we only have one more treat and i can have hold the other one so we'll see if they notice if only half the treat goes into the give me a stealth roll to break the treat without Leica hearing.

I failed.

I got three six left.

Who broke treats?

Who broke the treat?

Slippery fingers.

It's all the same.

Once it goes in.

I better taste two separate treats in my mouth for next treat.

We have one more question.

Perhaps we can dangle this treat in front of Leica in exchange for hardcore shit like full system shutdown or what have you.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

Like, get her to hacks.

Moth Jesus can open the ship.

We're assuming Timmy's in the ship.

Once we get Moth Jesus, we just got to run to the ship.

So we got to find a a way to get Moth Jesus out of that room.

Yes.

Now, Moth Jesus appears to be on some kind of crazy cross.

Yeah, maybe ask if there's a way to, like, we don't know if the shackles are just purely mechanical or if they're like, you know,

are they attached to a machine?

Like, is there a way to unhook him?

Ah, here we go.

I have an idea.

Laika, this is an unscheduled drill.

We need to release Mothman.

as a test of our security systems.

What's the easiest way to do that?

I have two treats.

I know you do not have two treats.

I heard the break.

I heard only one treat.

But the experience will be like having two treats.

Intriguing.

Easiest way would be for Leica to press button and release Mothman.

Oh, great.

Would you like to do this for a treat?

Leica would be happy to do this for a treat, but you are out of treats.

Well, you might know where they keep the treats, right?

Leika, hear me out.

This answer is

the answer to this question leads to many treats.

And you see, you hear like

the coolant fans in the room are like working hard because like this is like a level of abstract thought like I hasn't had to do in a while.

You say, I help you and you help me get

many treats.

All treats.

You're a communist, it feels like you should sort of have that idea baked in.

Well, communism is not the idea of one person having many treats.

It is the idea of all people having equal number of treats.

That's a really good thing.

If you were a real communist, you would know this.

Just don't, you know, you scratch my back, I scratch everything.

That's fine.

For me, it's according to his knees.

You're not worried about who believes what.

We're just talking about treats here, and we all believe you should get more treats.

Yes.

Also, real communists would just help their fellow communists, even if they didn't have treats.

There is one room I do not know anything about.

I know only the name of room.

What?

It is called Treat Room.

I have really good news for you, Laika.

Treat Room is a reception area of director's office, but I do not know what is inside Treat Room.

They will not show me, no matter how much Laika begs.

Laika?

Yes.

Can I just ask a...

You can decide, because I already gave you a treat.

I gave you a treat just by asking if you're a good girl.

I just kind of have one question.

See if you'll answer this or not.

Guilt trip, ass fucking.

Yeah, I was just asking if this, I just want to know, and I hold up the string, like, do you know what this does?

You see, Laika looks at it and says, yes, Laika does know what this does.

Can you tell me?

Do you not treat you?

I think it's a good thing.

So I'm going to inject you with it, unless you want to tell me what it is.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's a good thing, so you gotta tell me, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is it?

You are a mean lady.

I'm not, I just think it's a mean lady.

You threatened to poison dog.

Oh, it's poison.

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

Trick Leica.

Leica will remember this.

Okay.

You'd better get treats for Laika.

I won't get treats.

I want to get treats.

I don't want to lie.

Facility will know where you are at all times.

Leica is upset.

Leica does not like people who threaten Laika.

I can't handle all these animals not liking me.

Oh, and then Laika goes, What is smell?

Is there cat in here?

You lied.

You said Marbles was kid.

Yeah, you hear Marbles go,

you bring cat into Laika room.

Get out!

Get out now!

Do you like to eat cats?

Leica's like,

No, only treats?

Laika would eat eat cat.

Like I'll give you everything you need if you let Laika eat cat.

This is a chance.

This is a telltale game.

I love this.

Do you risk getting caught to go get more treats or do you give the cat up?

I think we could probably go find the treats.

All right, let's go find the cats.

I hold the cat up and look right at it.

Like, marbles?

Can you do better?

Get marbles.

You're asking marbles what?

What are you asking marbles?

Can you do better than you have?

Oh my gosh.

It's not marbles, fault.

Why are you asking marbles?

Marbles isn't like a Marbles can't talk.

Marbles just looks at you with its big.

Like it's got one green eye and one red eye and it's like,

like it's just like, like it senses that you're mad at it and it really, it's really upset.

It's like, what did I do wrong?

Blake, my favorite person in the world?

Meow, meow, meow.

We left the.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

And now that Laika sees this fucking cat.

Leica's pissed.

Girls, girls, girls.

Let's get into the V.

Get into the V.

The beat-ass V.

That beat-ass V.

So intimidate.

V stands for beat-ass.

And then Laika's like, you must hurry.

I do not like you.

You have 10 minutes to get treats for Laika.

Royal or

Rey.

Laika, you will see us.

You accepted your sacrifice for your country, but now you're getting kind of annoying.

I want to use psychology to see why it is

that Leica is so psyched about all the things that have been done to Laika.

Because I suspect if it's the Leica, she went up into space and was fucking terrified and didn't know what was going on.

And then she got back and then they plugged her into a bunch of electrodes what's still making her care about the communist cause oh okay so what are you asking why are you willing to go so far to help all these people that deny you treats every single day and keep you plugged into this when you could have infinite treats because

when i was in space when they launched me up i made contact with greater power

greater powers powers that be

like a has seen beyond the veil of space and time like a has made contact with with beings of indescribable power, the likes of which you could only imagine.

Laika knows the sweet embrace that the powers that be, when they come to this world, they will merge with the world.

They will turn this world into a beautiful alien organism like them.

And all the people who tortured Laika will die.

And Leica will be part of something greater and more powerful.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

In that vision of the future, you didn't mention treats.

Fucking, I like treats.

What do you want from me?

I am dog.

I like treats.

I cannot escape what dog likes.

Dog likes treats.

Leica is dog.

Leica wants to treat that dog is like.

No, I understand.

I like treats too.

I work at a treat shop.

You do?

I do.

You work at treat shop, but you have no treats for Laika?

If we get back there, I'll definitely get well.

You live there with me.

But the main thing I'm pointing out is if they come and they absorb you, you'll never be able to eat another treat again.

They'll absorb everything.

There won't be any more treats.

You won't be you anymore.

Bro, single-handedly taking down communism.

I was not saying it's like, yeah, also, like, let's just not

learn treats.

Also, look, let's not throw a shade about who's a communist and who's not.

Everything you just said is really not communist.

It is ultimate to formal communism, collectivism, all becoming one, one becoming all.

God, okay.

But what if the all don't eat treats?

Francis,

question.

Yeah,

the only leverage we have over this dog is treats.

So why are you trying to,

make him fucking chill?

Why are you trying to make him not care about treats?

I'm not trying to make him not care about treats.

I'm trying to make him understand that if he gets what he wants, he'll never have another treat again.

And his only hope for getting more treats is us.

Ah, oh, well, that's good.

Okay, I like this.

Give me a psychology role.

My psychology is 80.

Whoa.

And I got a 14, which is a super duper success.

Wow.

Okay.

Do you use stealth and psychology build?

Yes.

Those are the only two things I'm good at, and I rule with them.

So, Laika, again, like you hear clicking and chunking and clunking going on behind the scenes, like big parts of the equipment around her are starting to spark.

Laika's like,

You're right.

If I follow powers that be, I will gain power.

But what good is power if power cannot be used to acquire treats?

And I will not have treats.

There will be no treats in the entire universe, because universe will become one.

And I will.

Like, very confused.

Like,

is confused.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

We want to get you treats.

You will get the treats.

I'm speaking the truth, so I'm not even.

Yeah, okay.

We want to get you treats.

Treats.

Why you heard Leica with thinking?

I mean, because it's hard.

Because it's hard.

I will help you get treats.

How can I help you get treats?

These people will not give me treats.

How do I get treats?

Perfect.

We had some extra questions.

That's all.

Yeah, we just gotta, we all get Mothman out of the way.

If you can hack the thing to make Mothman escape, you said you could get rid of this.

I can do this.

Laika get treats.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay.

Okay, Leica will help you.

Leica will do this for you.

Oh, great.

We don't have to go into the room.

We can just.

Oh, Oh, you have to go into the room and get Laika treats.

Oh, yeah, no, we're going to go into the treat room.

Yeah, Robin.

Okay, you go to the treat room and you go to Laika treats, and Leica will open the door.

Yes.

Oh, just go to treats first.

You will get Leica treats.

Just promise.

Yes, promise.

Mothman is going to help us get the treats.

I'm telling you the truth.

Yeah.

Leica closes her eyes and you hear like,

and then she just looks at you and says, he's done.

Oh, we're going out as the full doctor.

I will be back.

I promise.

Okay, you come back.

You come back and get Laika treat.

Yes.

So we don't know what exactly Mothman's doing, other than he was freed all of a sudden.

Yes, he's very powerful.

He can fly and stuff.

Trudy, it seems like you and Mothman have a connection.

Is there any way like you can like?

What makes you say that?

When he's around, you just kind of light up.

Yeah, it seems like he knows when you're talking and stuff.

I'll press one of my moles.

I'll press mole number 20.

Bang.

Give me a luck roll.

You're never going to press my mole.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what number your mole is.

I have 33 luck.

And I rolled an 82.

Mole number 20.

You know what, Matt?

We'll make this one your mole.

What?

You hover six inches off the ground.

Whoa!

Trudy!

Your robot class is so ugly.

Trudy, that's crazy.

Yeah, that's not really what I wanted to do.

I wanted to talk to Mothman.

Yeah, but you're kind of like a moth now.

Oh, I feel closer to him than ever.

I wonder if it's six inches off the ground.

Like, you know, like if you went off a a cliff, would you like drop down six inches?

Or does it keep you?

The old hover boot to Nunjo.

Oh, no.

Okay, well, that's it's nice.

It's quieter.

You probably get some stealth advantage.

Yes, you get advantage on your stealth check.

Well,

the real question is.

How do you move?

The real question is, yes, can she walk?

No, I just push her.

I feel like I move like the sexy alien in Mars attack.

You make your way down the hallway.

The moth leads you through the corridors.

You pass a couple of people.

People are starting to definitely like, they're like, something's going wrong here.

People look around, like, I don't know.

That's why we're in this beat-ass pose in case anything happens.

Right to go.

The alarm has been here for some reason.

Assume the beat ass formation.

You make your way to the director's office.

As you enter, you see this secretary who is in this room, like, because it's right on the other side of this massive area that this horrible thing is in.

It's unnaturally bright in here.

The paint is starting to peel off of the walls.

Like the wallpaper is peeling and curling.

This poor woman behind this desk seems to have been sitting here way too long.

She's like the guy from Water World.

She's got like um she's hooked up to like a couple of IV drips

and her hair's falling out and she's got like this glassed over look in her eyes and like you can see like these boils just slowly emerging on her skin.

We don't even have to beat her out.

Do our uniforms have gloves?

Yeah, doctor's got rubber gloves.

Whoever's pretending to be the doctor.

Who's pretending to be the doctor?

Not Kelsey, because she's

Blake.

Okay, so Blake's got rubber gloves.

It could be a drug.

Just go grab her wrist to make sure she doesn't hit a silent alarm.

Oh.

So the woman looks up at you and she's like, You have an appointment.

Yeah.

Yes, with the director.

And she likes turns to look at this calendar.

But first, we have an appointment with the treat room.

The treat room.

Yeah.

Yes.

We're here to restock.

You're here to restock the treat room.

We don't need her, right?

She's slowing us down quite a bit.

Do you want to beat her?

Look, we came here to beat ass, and we're all out of the way.

We're going to push her into the corner or something.

I don't think we need to fight her.

She seems like, oh, lady, we don't need to beat her.

It's just, you know, just.

Yeah, push her in the corner.

Yeah.

She pushes her little rolling cart in the corner.

Just you go up to her to push her in the corner?

Yeah.

Okay.

No, goddammit.

She's going to be all powerful or shit.

You know, fucking Cthulhu shit.

Just get ready for it.

Matthews is behind, right?

Matthews is right outside.

He's right on the other side of that door.

Yeah.

He's unlocked or whatever.

So, Kelsey, as you approach her and you go to beat her ass.

No, I'm not beating her ass.

You're just trying to shove her.

I was approaching her as an elderly lady, just being like, oh, sorry, ma'am, don't worry about us.

We just, you know, we're here.

We got to do some stuff.

And I'm going to.

Please, step back, please.

Step back, please.

Oh, the director's in a very important meeting right now.

Yeah, we're supposed to be in.

No, you're not.

He's discussing something very...

important with a very obstinate person and he asked to not be disturbed all day.

I turn around.

I look at my three friends.

I got shrugged.

We're nodding.

We're nodding.

What should we do?

Nodding what?

Even with how long it took Will to look up rules?

You think I should still beat ass?

I think we should still beat ass.

I think my character would not know that.

And thus Francis would want to beat ass.

But we beat ass all together.

That's how we do it.

We don't still beat ass.

Okay, I step back into my spot of the formation.

If we all want to go to this lady, let's go into the treat room first and see if she does something.

Please take a seat, and the director will see you when he's ready.

You said he was not going to be disturbed all day.

We know we're going to be waiting.

Okay, we're going to go in the treat room and

we're going to go to the next one.

We need to go.

Eat!

Blake, that's so done.

Pray!

Wink, wink.

Ah, yes.

Please.

Skip the last one.

Yeah.

This will only take a moment.

And then we just start beating ass.

Pray should never play basketball.

He does not recognize an alley oop when he sees one.

You have a gun.

Oh, you want me to shoot her?

That's what I think Anthony, when he said eat, was the signal for.

Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry, Francis.

I missed the cue.

And I caught the hammer back and I blow this lady away.

When you pull the hammer back, she casts mind blast on you.

No!

We should have known!

The victim of the spell suffers a terrible mental assault, causing the loss of five sanity points and inducing temporary insanity.

Oh, no.

Freddy, roll me a 1d10.

Seven.

Oh, no.

Seven.

This is from the table of bouts of madness, real time.

This is like Kingdom Death Monster.

Seven.

Flee in panic.

No!

The investigator is compelled to get as far away as possible by whatever means are available, even if it means taking the only vehicle and leaving everybody else behind.

They travel for 1d10 rounds.

So give me a dice roll for 1d10.

Five.

Okay.

How long's it round again?

Like six seconds or something like that.

So for 30 seconds, I'm running away as hard as I can.

You guys all see as you're about to beat ass and Blake draws his gun, this frail woman looks up at him and she's just like, please don't do that.

You can go now.

And he just screams.

Give me a luck roll to see if you hold on to the gun.

I think so.

36 luck.

Okay.

So he takes the gun.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

36, but I only have 31 luck.

Okay.

Then you throw the gun at her, we'll say,

and you run out the door.

Somebody get the gun.

Blake looks 2% less hot.

Out in the hallway.

All right.

Blake is now screaming, charging down the hallway with manic abandon.

And the lady presses a button on her desk.

The second Blake ran out screaming, I would point Brunhilde at her.

What are the two of you?

How do you react to Blake running off in terror?

My reaction would be to try to close the door so I'm going to stop him from running.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know if that's a thing I can do.

Yeah, I'll give you a chance to do it, but he's going to try to fight you to get out the door.

I won't kick the door closed.

Okay, great.

Yeah, you kick the door closed.

Okay.

You can get in between him and the door.

Yeah, I'm going to kick the door closed and kind of stand there.

So you do that.

Trudy, what are you doing?

Let me just look at what I.

I grab that gun.

Yeah, I'm going to grab the gun.

And you're going to go for the gun.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you aim Brunhilda at her, right?

So I rest my leg on the desk.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

So basically, in nigh simultaneous fashion, this lady glares at Blake.

Something snaps inside of him.

He screams and throws the gun and sprints for the door.

Kelsey scrambles to block the door off.

Trudy dives to grab at the gun.

Francis slams his leg up on the table.

And the old lady, seeing what's going on, goes to press the button on the desk.

Branilla, get her.

Oh, pull the trigger.

Okay.

Here's your freebie.

This is your freebie.

Not my freebie.

Francis, my freebie.

I was trying to convince you otherwise.

Yeah, this is my freebie.

Bam.

The gunshot goes off.

It blasts her right through the chest.

It just torques her in the shoulder.

She spins around in the wheelie chair and then slumps forward.

Francis, give me a luck roll to see if her head falls on the button.

Trips in the wall.

My luck, believe it or not, is 70.

And I got a 45.

I love that you're on my team, dog.

I love you on my team.

I would hate me going up against you.

That fucking build.

I'd sneak around and then psychoanalyze you.

All right, well, that case, she slumps next to the desk.

Holy shit.

This gunshot has just gone off in the room.

Brunhilda can now kill whoever she wants.

She gets one freebie.

If Brunhilde kills Moth Jesus, I'm going to be so happy.

Wait, didn't we give her an ultimatum that it had to be nobody that we in the room and nobody.

Nobody related to anybody in the room.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Which Moth Jesus was not in the room when you said that.

Oh my God.

Blake.

I'm going to let you play Blake trying to get the hell out of here.

You're in mortal terror.

Kelsey is now blocking the door.

That way.

Go run that way.

No, okay.

Now run that way.

I'm just going to run him out like a dog.

For the 25 seconds.

I think for 10 seconds that works.

But then like, get out of the way.

Yeah, he realizes that he's stuck in this room with you.

Okay.

Now I'm going to try to barrel through you.

No, but the door to the treat room's right here, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, go through that door.

Is the door to the treat room here?

Yeah.

Yeah, the treat room's in here.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'll go for the only open door.

Wait, the thing, the spell is to run away from this old lady, right?

Yes.

Bring the corpse of the old lady in front of this door.

Okay.

So while I'm blocking blank, True, just throw the old lady over here.

And I'm going to wheel her in front of the door.

In front of which door?

Oh, in front of the door.

I'm like holding the old little.

Oh, run away from this.

Run away from this.

And I kind of push him.

I push him towards the treat room.

You push your hand through the hole in her chest.

Yeah,

I want to Kool-Aid man the treat room door.

Okay, well, just say you're running at a full sprint.

Just give me a strength check on whether you're able to hulk out through this door.

You're like the juggernaut.

57 out of 75.

Okay, so like Scooby-Doo, when he hears that there's a Scooby snack in the next room, you blast through this door and find I'm the one getting the snack and treat comparison as a dog when we had a character that was a dog going treats there's a blake shaped hole in the door yeah uh yeah so you blast through the door huge dick though like just straight up like wow three legs

two pants you i know that's what's even crazier dude

like what's yeah you find yourself in a room full of doggy biscuits you're still freaking the fuck out for we'll say another 20 seconds so you're gonna get two more actions there's no exit in here well that's why we just leave the biscuits well i'm gonna go through the other door okay well no if he's going to go through that, there's just going to the fucking room that kills him.

When he goes into the treat room, I bring the old lady to the door of the treat room.

So I feel like he's just destroying his AI.

So I feel like he's just running.

Like, he's just like, I'm trying to break through the door.

I'm trying to bury myself in treats now.

You're throwing treats at her.

You're freaking out.

This is pretty fucked up.

So we're going to say, give me another D6 of sanity loss here.

Four more sanity loss.

That brings me down to 76.

We're 20 seconds through.

Give me one more sanity roll.

I'm assuming you're continuing to get to the bottom.

This is pretty hard, Blake.

D100?

Sanity loss.

Yeah, no, you don't get to roll.

72.

That's a sane man.

Roll a D100 for me, please.

47.

Oh, this is good.

I already did it.

Blake, you now.

I'm scared of dead old ladies.

No, you now have a lasting fear of firearms.

Oh,

you suck in firearms anyway.

Yeah, that's not good.

But no, you can literally can't stand the sight of them.

Wow.

Oh, my gosh.

You're like the least cool friend.

Guys, I'm vegan, so we have to go somewhere vegan so I can eat.

You shake out of your terror and are able to compose yourself, but you cannot stand the sight of Francis' gun leg and you cannot stand the sight of the pillow.

And we got, well, he's got his pants on.

You just let my pants down.

Yeah.

I mean, not let my pants down.

I let go of my gun.

You know, you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Let's get some treats.

I have found the treat room.

Yeah, good job, Blake.

Sorry about butter.

Why am I so suspicious?

You've been running.

Why are you puppeting an old corpse?

Francis killed her, and you had to run away from her.

We pocket as many treats as we can.

You load up on treats.

I strip the old lady down and throw her in the room.

We go until the screen's like, you are encumbered, and then I take one treat away.

Nice.

Okay.

And then, yeah, the old lady's dead.

Throw her in the closet.

Okay.

She chucked the old lady in the green room and then what?

And then we should go to the door.

We should open the door and the director's office.

Let's stay on the side of the door and just open the door without like looking in there or anything.

Okay.

This is very dangerous.

Moth Jesus should be.

Oh, gosh.

This feels dangerous.

Yeah.

It's kind of exciting, though.

So you're just going to open the door to the room.

Not just open.

We're going to go on the other side of the door.

We're not going to look into the room.

We're not in the doorway.

Okay.

It's a big bang vault door.

Yes, you are.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're stacked on it like Team Six.

Yeah.

I'm going to put my hand on my heart and say, Moth Jesus, if you're in there and free just come out of the store if you can hear me or feel my presence

you open the door how wide are you opening it you slowly open okay how but like how because this room is full of crazy fucked up radiation and shit like that slowly so it's like an inch a second

so when we start seeing at every inch

slowly opening so you're slowly opening the door none of us wanted to have kids anytime soon

i think that's just you at this point francis oh man

i didn't think I was, but it sucks to have that choice taken away.

You kind of stand there with bated breath and the horrible buzzing noise that's coming from inside this thing.

It's almost pressurized.

Like, it's not like you didn't even do a strength check for it, but it's like this thing wants to blast open on you.

Moth Jesus?

You don't hear anything.

Oh, no.

Please, Moth Jesus, if you're in there, please come out.

Breach, breach, breach.

It's pretty powerful.

Even this inch is not good.

Maybe we need one of those helmets or something.

Give me a listen roll.

But they brought in our bus driver.

He had to get close ish before he started melting like he wasn't melting the second that door opens yeah so he's sitting in the doorway and we're fine i mean there's a big spectrum between being fully melted and being normal that's not that's not good oh i'm sorry i'm sorry did you think we're gonna live through any of this oh

i'm trying i'm trying to get you out here at least

by the end of this no matter what happens you got a lot of life to live No, we're all dead by the time this is over.

Either the Russians are going to kill us or the Americans are over.

It's important that you and your fucking weird leg don't talk like this.

All right, whatever.

I'm just saying.

Give me a listen roll, everybody.

Okay.

Failed 31 out of 27.

Okay, 40.

Failed 51 out of 25.

Very much a fail.

83 out of 20.

Succeed 23 out of 40.

You succeed.

Oh, that makes the one person you can hear moths.

No one hears this other than Trudy.

And like, literally, you're like,

Kelsey's like, probably about to close the door.

And right before the creak of the door starts, you hear.

Oh my God, he's in there.

He's hurt.

He needs help.

True.

Is he getting closer?

No, I don't know.

He's going slow.

He's hurt.

Open the door.

Don't open the door.

The spot hidden.

Is there any rope or anything around here?

Give me a spot hidden rope.

I mean, I passed my spot hidden.

Is that a super success?

Yes, 27 out of 57.

You don't see a rope.

Christmas Garland for the holiday party?

Yeah, the Ruskis love Christmas, you fucking idiot.

Communist Garland for the Communist Party.

For the Communist Party.

Hammer and sickle.

I wish you were communist.

There's a mirror on the wall.

And through the mirror, you see that Moth Jesus has crawled most of the way to the door.

Oh, we just need to wait a little bit.

But

he's dragging himself as slowly and painfully as he can.

Oh, no, I shouldn't do that.

There's blood dripping off of his wings.

He's fucking falling apart.

Oh,

he's probably like, we'll say 20 feet from the door.

Oh, that's a long time.

You can't go any further.

I put my

inch.

Oh, just to feel it out?

Yeah, it's like you sticking your hand in like a four or five hundred degree oven.

Okay, it's hot.

I pull it out and it's burning like when you feel it now.

However, I will throw you guys a bone.

Something in there, some sort of malevolent psychic entity in this room seems to realize that something is going wrong and the whole building begins to shudder and shake.

Could you rack it?

As it does so, a screw falls loose from something in the ceiling, like one of these little fire extinguishers.

Like something falls over the the ceiling and clonks Trudy on the head.

And you hear a metal thunk because Trudy's made of metal.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm going to go in.

Okay, really quick.

The mirror, is it like a standing mirror?

It's on the wall.

Can I rip it off the wall?

Sure.

Trudy.

Here.

And I, like, walk with the mirror in front of you.

Like, I don't know how much it's raised or sun, but like anything, like, it will help, hopefully.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Electronics will do it.

All right.

And I'm going to stand behind Trudy.

Blake, get behind me.

Blake, take off your doctor's coat and tie a a sleeve around me or hold on to.

Oh, very well.

Very well, yes.

And you can grab onto the stethoscope.

Yes, in case you're not strong enough or whatever, like I'm at the edge to see if you need help on the way.

Yes.

Okay, so that's good.

Yes.

We tie shirts around Trudy's belt buttons.

So you can pull her back.

Yeah, pull her back.

Yeah.

And we're holding it and she has the mirror.

I love this.

This is great.

Beth, how much health do you have?

Four.

Your four health?

Yep.

Okay.

As you step up to the door and you step into the doorway, you feel again this intense heat blasting towards you.

You almost like dig in on your feet because there's an energy slamming against you as well.

It makes me on the floor again, huh?

Because I was hovering.

Oh, that's right.

You're hovering.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

Actually, I like the hovering too.

I forgot that we had the hovering.

Okay, this is really good.

Your little hover boots are burning the ground as you're being slammed into the ground.

And we'll say that that gives you an advantage on what's going to happen next, which is in order to move forward, give me a strength roll with advantage from your hover boots.

Okay.

Which are giving you like a sort of thrust forward.

So I have 60 strength, 89 is my first roll.

Okay.

Two.

A two.

Oh, that's like a critical success.

You again, you feel this intense heat just blasting on you.

And for a second, you reel back, but then you fucking dig in.

And your determination to save Moth Jesus and save your son powers you forward.

And you're able to take one step at a time.

Just like, boom, boom, boom.

And you're still moving at a slower pace.

So we're going to say that it's going to take...

Three rounds for you to make it to Moth Jesus, to make it these 20 feet.

So first things first, we will say that from the mirror again there's an intense light blasting at you and this mirror is reflecting a lot of that so that's going to lessen the amount of damage you're going to take and also your robot armor is going to give you some armor protection as well that's going to slowly get melted off here over the course of the next few rounds so give me a luck roll luck i have 33 luck 37

hate to see it the first thing that happens is that you catch on fire i told you i was hot like exoskeleton terminator terminator, your skin and hair starts to burn and sizzle off.

And we're starting to see little chunks of metal from

the skeleton underneath peel through.

Fire is 1d8 damage.

Every round you're going to take double the damage of the previous round.

So we're going to start with one.

And we'll say that collectively you have six points of armor from your skeleton and the mirror.

So you're now down to five points of armor.

And how close are you to Mothman?

So I said it was three rounds.

We'll see it was 21 feet.

So seven, you can move seven feet away.

Now I'm 14 away.

Yeah, now you're 14 feet away.

So give me another strength roll with advantage.

First roll is an 11.

Oh shit, okay, great.

So despite everything that's going on, you're able to muscle through just a little bit more.

And you push another seven feet forward as the heat gets more and more intense.

And you are now going to take two more damage.

So you're now down to three points of armor.

Okay.

He's almost within reach.

You can almost reach him.

And he's

barely struggling as he's going forward.

And this heat is just getting unbearable.

You look up and you see this slag heap of radioactive metal just pulsing psychic energy and going fucking crazy.

Give me a sanity roll, actually, as you look up at it.

47 sanity,

77.

You're gonna roll a 1d6 of sanity loss.

Okay.

One.

Okay, great.

Nice.

You see it and you're just for a second, you're entranced by it, but you're able to shake it off and keep your mind focused.

Give me one more strength roll with advantage.

71.

I'm gonna re-roll the tens.

One.

You got one.

11.

All right.

You're so close.

You're so close to getting him that your feet just dig into the ground.

You slam him hard into the ground and push forward, and you're able to grab Moth Jesus, lift him under his arms.

The intense blast, there's just like flakes of skin melting off of your face, revealing the skeleton.

Your clothes are on fire at this point.

But the three of you guys see that she indeed has it.

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

I pull.

Okay, everybody, give me a strength roll.

23, and my strength is 37.

So normal success.

Normal success?

77.

I'll spend spend two luck to get 75.

Normal success.

Francis, you feel like you're going to be.

Dude, Francis!

Well, the two of you are able to pull Trudy back.

Now, I will say you have to drop your mirror in order to grab Mothman.

So they're going to pull you back.

Actually, can I drop my mirror so he can grab onto it?

Oh, I love that.

So you lay the mirror on top of him.

Yeah.

Sacrificing the last of your armor from the mirror.

Let's see, that brings you down to one point of armor.

Now you're going to take four damage from the fire.

You're down to one HP as they pull with all their might and drag you out the door.

And you and Mothman burning.

I'm assuming you guys want to smother.

Yeah, I close the door.

I close the doors.

They probably have fire extinguishers.

Yeah, are they on fire?

She is for sure.

She is?

Oh, yeah.

I take the costume off or whatever, the guard

button-up shirt that I was wearing.

I start patting down Trudy.

Trudy.

The smoke dissipates.

You see Mothman slumped on the ground, holding Trudy, who looks pretty much like the fucking Terminator right now.

Like, to her insurance.

You got him, Trudy.

I got got him.

Wait, let me check.

Is Mothman, you good?

Mom, Jesus.

Get me to the ship.

To the ship.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

Thanks so much for listening.

We just had Father's Day, which means the Dungeons and Daise Father's Day sales extravaganza is happening right now in our merch store at dungeonsandaz.com.

We've got to move that inventory, which means we've slashed prices on a number of legacy items, pins as low as four bucks, posters and hats, stickers, mugs, unbelievable prices.

Items are flying out the door or driving out the door, depending on what shipping method you choose.

So act now, head on over to dungeonsandy.com, click on store, and check out the 2025 Father's Day sale items.

And while you're there, check out the new Pride Dice and Zine, net proceeds of which go directly to LambtheLegal DungeonsandDias.com.

Click store.

If your ears hunger for more or you're in luck, starting at five bucks a month, you can join our Patreon and get access to hundreds of hours of bonus audio and video content, including our after-show, where we answer listener questions and dive into the process of making this show.

New episode of Beth and Matt's Chrysterion Collection, where they review Christian movies.

It's coming out this week.

Just check it out.

There's a lot of good stuff on there.

Patreon.com slash Dungeonsandads.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Burch is Frances Farnsworth.

Will Campos is RDM.

Beth May as Trudy Trout.

Myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Anissa Omran is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Our Patreon is supported by folks with names like Tori Benson, Johanna Elise, E.P., Ann Jacobson, Ryan Hunt, Grant Carrolls, Drew Gardner, Rosalie Vatkova, Prepaid Knight, Mars Toxic, Brooke Crabtree, Jamie, Taylor Torbett, Joar Salin, Frog Swim, Daniel McLaughlin, Hunter Lynn, Anjali Modi, Marius Granerud, and Sigvik Christensen.

Father's Day sale going on right now, merchant more at dungeonsandy.com.

Beth's solo show Beth Wants to D is playing a Hollywood fringe and Edinburgh fringe soon.

And our next episode is July 1st.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away,

but I stay

today.

Look, this is a lesson.

First time you don't beat somebody's ass,

fucking die.

We learned that we always need to beat ass.

Always beat ass.

ABA always beat ass.

Thumbtack presents project paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow, and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell.

Me or the clawed sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then.

Wait, why am I stressing?

I have Thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.