S3 Ep. 28 - Bringing Up Baba

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

So long, Tima.

I'm off to the laboratory.

Geeways, Papa.

It must be pretty swell doing the dark bidding of the powers that be.

I wish I got to work amongst the strange and awesome secrets of Building 21.

Now, little comrade, your time to serve would come at the hour of the hole, when all minds will join and all flesh will be one.

In the meantime, you've got plenty of chores to do, mister.

Oh, Papa!

It's Laika!

What is it, girl?

What's that?

Capitalist pigs have infiltrated Building 21.

And they brutally executed one of the guards?

And then they broke into the site director's office and rescued the human moth.

And now they're running around the facility beating ass?

And they convinced you to help them by undermining your faith in communism.

And now you're distracting us?

So they can sneak up and beat our asses too.

Why, like God, that's the craziest.

love you call me, bastard.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, it's the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast.

Horror comedy.

About four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America and the Soviet Union.

Wow.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play deep thinking plumber, slow-talking plumber, Blake Lively.

Hello.

Hi, Blake.

This week's Blake Fact.

Not the first time Blake has been scrounging around in an air vent.

It wasn't the last time.

It became a pastime.

Oh, no.

Last time Blake did it, fixing an HVAC unit in a commercial establishment that he was called in to fix at Bets Spy.

He was just fixing their AC and he was like,

the vents used to be man-sized back in the 50s.

Now they're not.

It's actually just men got smaller.

Men got smaller and weaker.

The vents didn't get bigger.

The men just got smaller.

I remember as a little kid, Golden Eye and Mission Impossible came out like back-to-back, I feels like.

And I remember the most insane spy one day.

So much fucking vents in those movies.

And I was like, you mean like buildings have these tunnels that you can crawl around through?

And then like I found out that vents weren't that big in real life and they ruined it.

So fun.

Fun fact, we did a video years ago on the YouTube channel that was like me crawling around in vents.

And we were like, okay, well, let's find some sections of vent to do it.

And then we did.

We laid it out.

It was just a little T-section that we laid on the floor and just got in there.

I'll tell you.

A lot of sharp edges in there.

A lot of sharp, jaggedy edges inside those.

I get bigger, but the vents stay the same size.

All right, all right.

If there's dust in the vents, climb in.

The time before that plane was in the vents?

What?

I went too far?

No, it's not too far.

It's just gross.

No, he's saying if the dust, because the dust would mean they're old vents.

Yeah, yeah.

The inverse of grass on the field.

No, I know.

It's really the exact same.

No, you're right, though.

I'm not explaining anything.

No, no, there are some vent talks.

So, like, the word dust doesn't belong in sex talk, you know?

But it's not sex talk.

It's vent talk.

Get your mind out of the talk.

Get your mind mind out of the vent talk

somebody hasn't had sex while bouldering okay hi everybody i have not my name is mathie arnold i play kelsey grammar peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm and a little fact about kelsey since she just turned 50 she wrote a you know like a bucket list thing like what she wanted to do by the time she was 50.

so she looked it up and see if she had you know lived what she wanted to so far and there's three items on it and they were become a teacher check check still be a teacher check check living your best life fucking check so she's doing good the last one just says living your best life.

Yeah, she's living her best life.

Parentheses, given the circumstances?

No, it's her best.

She's living her best.

I'd like to zoom back to the time when she made the list initially, this incredibly comprehensive list of three items that seemed to be pretty easy to.

If you do one and two, three, by definition, has been achieved.

Oh, I forgot to say, oh, whatever.

It was that good, but I forgot to add the, you know what she always says, it's not that great.

What is it?

She's always that great.

She's growing.

She's living her best life.

You know what she always says?

Study rhymes with buddy.

So go find one and go do some.

Oh, my God.

Wait, the order's wrong.

Go find one and go do some.

Oh, no, the order is wrong.

Go do some.

If you can feel it, study it.

Study it.

If you can read it.

Study it.

I'm Anthony Burch.

I'd be like, Francis Farnesware, the kid is trying his best.

My peachy fact is Francis likes to write comics on the side.

He's not a good, he's kind of like Harvey Picard, where he's an idea man, but he loves to write.

He came up with an idea for a group of dudes whose wives all divorced them at once, and they feel so emasculated by it that they turn into little boys.

And he calls it the X-Men.

Okay.

Tennessee Williams is the X-Men.

You know what?

You know what?

I would actually read that.

That was great.

Yeah.

There's a lot of angry little boys.

It's all a metaphor for civil rights, weirdly.

And one of them does have claws that come out of his eyes.

That's true.

One of them is canonically Wolverine.

Francis is the guy who came up with the idea of Wolverine.

And it would be cool if they all had the same names as like X-Men, but they were just like guys.

My name's Gambit.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

My name's Iceman.

I will say a lot of the X-Men names sound like nicknames that divorced guys would give each other.

Gambit?

Beast.

He's my boy.

I got my name to that dude.

Come on, call me Magneto.

Isn't one of like Fireman?

What's his name?

There's Fireman.

Pyro.

Pyro.

Fireman's an occupation, Matt, not an X-Man.

Hi, my name is Beth May.

Hi, Beth.

And I play Trudy Trout, homemaker, robot, mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact about Trudy.

I felt confident about this one when it popped into my head, but now I'm not so sure.

Trudy's favorite movie is The Snake Pit

because it's the only movie that offers Python subtitles.

Like, Python is in the programming language.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got it.

You got it.

Hi, everyone.

My name is William Campos, and I play

Shut up.

That's not your real middle name.

It is.

Yeah.

You got to bleep it out.

I don't know what this bleeping the middle name out is.

I think it's like feet.

Infosec.

It's like feet.

Infosec.

Your middle name is equivalent to feet.

You have to blur it out on the internet.

All right.

I'm William Campos.

I'm William Feet fucker Campos.

I'm William Piggly Wiggly Feetsy Foot Campos.

And I am the dungeon master of this adventure that you are all going on.

And my fact today, not a creepy fact, but this is a new piece of canon that someone suggested on our Discord that I thought was hilarious.

So I was like, I'm going to fucking do this because this also is a nice little retcon for me.

Britannica Blue, aka BB Blue, who you all know as your lovable sidekick detective.

We see her at the beginning of the show with the bowling team, which has led a lot of people be like, is she on the bowling team?

Is she a member of the Guttural Screams?

And the official answer is no, but she is the team sponsor.

So all of the jerseys

have the name of her detective agency on the back of them.

So she is your official sponsor.

Oh, I like that.

That's so much fun.

She's like the bowling coxswain.

The what?

The bowling team team team team team.

Like the coxswain for the bowling team, where you're not actually doing the thing.

Oh, I see.

Is that the guy in the boat who's like, throw harder?

Yes.

How do I get that job?

Throw harder.

You have to to be kind of like you gotta be tiny

you have to like kill the free

cox man in hand-to-hand i've heard that that job is actually the hardest job i did not

refuse to believe that when there's six guys rowing like they're in the fucking slave gallery

the only people that say that are coxswains

that's like saying the jockey is the hardest part about the horse race it's like i'm sure it's difficult these guys just keep time right essentially what they're doing bro yeah i mean talk about jobs that could get outsourced by chat gpt like i'm sorry i don't understand how the fucking coxswain hasn't been replaced by, like, I don't know,

no, no, because you have to read your you have to

what if

you've decided I'm beefing with these

coxs, I'm beefing with these ripped, hot men.

Yeah, the coxs are pretty safe beef because it's just gonna be hot, rich guys.

Like, that's punching up, especially with us.

If there are any coxswains listening to this, where can they reach you, Will?

They can reach me at FeetFucker.

FeetFuckerLane.

103 Feet Fucker Lane, Feetsville, Feet, Abama, which is where I live.

Maybe we'll bring six guys guys to fight for them and they can just scream.

Fight harder.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Do you guys want to go on a spooky adventure?

Yes.

So, when last we left the group, you had infiltrated Project Motherland.

I don't know if us infiltrating it.

Okay, that's fair.

You bamboozled your way into Project Motherland by winning a bowling tournament.

You infiltrated.

It wasn't, you know, if number one is the Trojan horse, you guys are pretty far down on the list, but you infiltrated.

The best stealth op in history.

Coming in at number one.

Busty Vertana Beauty.

You Trojan.

You're the lead number four.

You don't believe what they got away with at number four.

Hint, it involves a wooden horse.

I hate it now when the videos show the little clip of it at the beginning.

Like you just see like guys coming out of a wooden horse for three seconds and then it's like, well, now we're going to show you how we built it.

Boston Tea Party is probably like three, right?

No.

No.

I wasn't infiltrating anything.

Only pretending to be natives.

It was problematic.

If it was just like top 10 problematic moments.

Problematic war ideas.

One.

War.

Three of these involve sinking a ship outside of

so you guys infiltrated Project Motherland and their mysterious Building 21, the research facility at Persikovo Grad, a town that has been corrupted by the malign influence of the powers that be.

You found Moth Jesus shackled in a irradiated blast zone with a horrible, mysterious artifact known as the director of the facility.

He seemed to be getting all melted up and tortured.

You managed to heroically rescue him in a daring effort by Trudy Trout, who went straight into the fucking cursed zone itself and dragged him out.

And now her fucking, she's all half melted and looks like the Terminator a little bit, which is cool.

As you pulled Mothman out of this room, the door slammed shut behind you and a massive 12 alarm super alarm went off in the facility.

And the last thing you heard was Mothman saying, to the ship.

Oh, and you also met Laika, and you promised Laika you would get her some yummy treats, and you also have a bag of yummy treats.

I think now we're obligated.

Well, I mean, Leica controls all the security and stuff.

Maybe she can help you.

Yeah, maybe Laika can help.

Tree, are you okay?

Um, I'm glad that I got Mothman.

Can you

are you okay?

Time is of the essence.

We must alight.

He seems fine.

He seems okay.

Can you both move?

Can you walk?

We got going.

Are you ambulatory?

Mothman just staggers to his feet.

He's not looking great.

Can you carry him?

Can I carry Mothman?

How big is Mothman again?

Mothman's like, you know,

he's like six feet.

Could you describe how muscular and hot and big Mothman is for us?

How hot is Mothman?

Like, just right.

Is his weight in all the right places?

Hold on, let me Google.

It means the heavy parts of his body are the parts that you like.

There's no wrong thing.

I do have to.

I have to look up something to answer that.

But maybe your preferences.

Google.

How big.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm Googling this right now.

Jake Gyllenhall Height.

There we go.

There's a whole lot of episodes about that.

Six foot.

Yeah.

Six foot?

Yeah.

There you go.

So he's six feet tall.

Yeah.

Nobody would swipe left, right?

I don't know which way is the good way.

Right is the good way.

Which right is the good way.

Mothman staggers to his feet.

He's looking weak and wobbly.

Blake, you want to help me carry this Mothman?

He seems a little bit hot and heavy.

He has all the weights in all the right places.

Perhaps there's a way to help convey.

We're not completely fucked up right now, so you're going to have to do it.

Everybody, give me a listen check.

We heard the alarm alarm will.

Ooh, I succeed so well.

Okay.

No, then I don't care.

I did not succeed.

That's

a take note.

That's just the Gway Group roles go.

Trudy, with your super robot ears, you hear from down the hall the sound of many footsteps running towards you and closing in fast.

Oh, goodness.

There's many footsteps coming and they're closing in fast.

This does not seem good for our heroes.

Aleika, double time.

Class, stick together.

Everybody, follow Francis.

You're not the hall monitor.

You're, I'm the line leader.

Line leader, go.

So Francis will lead everybody back to Leica's room.

Okay, so as you leave the director's office, again, you're now in the maze of corridors that makes up this place.

And you see, they used to all be smiling and walking sort of like at a sort of cheery ambulatory stroll whenever you saw them.

But now they're moving more like one of those hordes of zombies and like projects.

He's not projects, he was the World War Z.

World War Z.

They're all just kind of like stumbling around, but you see like this throng of of sunburned smiling faces and lab coats just stumbling all over themselves as they're scouring the facility looking for you.

And one of them locks eyes with you and just does like one of those fucking points where they just look and you go,

McDonald's something.

I love it.

I love it in a zombie movie when the one goes, and then you hear like a hundred necks all snap in unison as they all turn towards you.

They all die.

We're cool.

They all turn towards you and lock eyes with you and start chasing you down this hallway.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so so they were not in between us and like a no, they were in madam.

Thank you.

Faster now.

Yeah.

We're going to do a little fucking little foot chase.

We're going to chasing.

Foot chase mechanics?

Oh, that's a pretty cool chase mechanic.

We got some

chase mechanics.

We do.

Yeah, we already did one.

Yeah.

In Man's Madness.

You guys also did

this very campaign.

We did?

Yeah, at the beginning.

You guys get chased around the British people on the double-ducker bus?

That was a chasing.

Give me your move rating.

M-O-V.

I like to move it, move it.

I like to to move it.

Nine, eight.

And Mothman back.

Bro, the other 51.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, baby.

We have fun here.

Oh, boy.

So, Francis, your move speed is eight.

However, comma, you did get one of your legs blown off and replaced with a rifle.

If you shoe that you can run fast.

Can I aim by myself and

grindhouse?

Yeah.

And then Mothman's move speed is a seven, but he is also injured.

Francis, I'm going to roll a 1d6 to see how much you're being slowed down.

1d6, Jesus Christ.

So that's three.

So your move speed is now five?

Right in the movie.

Francis, you and me, bud.

Just bird walking together.

Slowly slow down.

Mothman loses a two, so he's also a five.

So we got three.

Coming to Kelsey.

Three fives, an eight, and a nine.

Sounds like this podcast.

Am I right?

Nice.

Nice.

Now I'm doing the math.

Who's who?

Who's who?

I'm confident.

Everybody, go ahead and tell us who you think.

Say no chat.

You only have to say the eight of nine.

You don't have to write down who are wise.

You got

elimination.

We know.

Personality doesn't count.

Oh.

Everybody, give me a constitution role.

This is going to be to determine your speed in the chase.

Tell me if it was a fail or an extreme success or a regular success.

Regular success for Kelsey.

Fail for Francis.

Okay.

F for fail.

Fail for Blake.

Oh, no.

Imagine the most you could succeed.

Except and then add three because it wasn't a one, it was a four.

Okay.

Okay.

Was that a super success?

Super duper success?

That's like a super duper hella well success.

Okay, great.

Everyone who failed, you get minus one move to your move speed.

Francis is down to four.

Kelsey is at five because you passed, right, Matt?

Blake is down to eight.

Mothman succeeded.

Yay.

The scientists also failed, so they're down to seven as well.

Fucking nerds.

That's what you get.

Trudy, you get plus one to your moves because you were hauling it.

You're so motivated to go rescue your son.

Yes.

And I have a way to justify this because I am severely hurt and down to one HP.

Okay, yes.

I press a mole on my ankle and I get the rollerblade feet.

Well, you already have hover

shoes,

yeah.

Now rollerblades pop out, but they're not doing anything.

Yes, but they look cool as hell.

I look like, fuck, what's that 1993 movie that was so cool and made me so in love with that one guy?

Was you Mr.

Gadget?

Keep going.

Dude, that's a good thing.

That's really the duality.

No, I'm thinking of airborne, I believe.

Sure, was it?

Boogie dancer, Sirector Gadget.

Bro, bro, Guthie, you're right in everything.

Where are my airborne heads at?

Airborne?

What is airborne?

Oh, man.

Is it about a hotbound rollerblade?

The picture is the most.

It's just blue sky background with clouds.

And it's just three images of this hot dude with rollerblades in three different poses, one jumping, one skating.

And then they've got the

girl.

And they're just holding a girl.

Yeah, and the girl's hot too.

That's for the women to go to the log line, Beth.

The log line is

Mitchell became the most popular guy on earth once he took to the sky.

And

this is better.

This is better, though.

The top one is man wasn't meant to fly.

Kids were.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck it.

That's some Applejack shit right there.

I know exactly what I'm doing when I get home.

You know who else is in this movie?

Seth Green.

Dude, I love Seth Green.

So this is everyone's final scores.

Francis, four.

Kelsey, five.

Trudy, nine.

Blake, eighth.

Mothman is at five, and the scientists are at seven.

So airborne.

Sorry.

So that's the spread.

So basically, you know that Francis is hurting badly and will be the lowest person.

Do you guys want to carry him and Mothman?

What do you guys want to do?

I'm hurting badly.

Not hurting badly, but you're the slowest one by far.

Oh, okay.

So even though Trudy is hurt, she can move fast.

Trudy got a really good role.

Help Francis.

Francis, grab my hands.

Okay.

Oh no, my hands are coming off.

Oh shit.

No, no, I'm at least you can't be a hand.

I'm being silly.

This is what a hand drop is like.

No, no,

that's not.

Do you want the hands worth wondering the bush?

Give me a strength roll.

Okay.

I'm due for a bad roll because I had two good hands.

Oh, we could do the firemen.

I still succeed.

I got a 47 out of 60.

Okay, great.

In that case, you can, yeah, because you got your hover roller skates, Francis can go on your back and take your speed of nine.

Yeah.

Speed past Kelsey.

Yes.

That's great.

Sucks to sack.

I wanted that for you, Francis.

We'll knock you back down to eight.

We'll see.

Okay.

How are we handling Mothman?

Are you carrying Mothman or is he on his own?

He has a speed of five on his own.

Shoulder, like, arm around each of our shoulders.

If you guys are carrying them, then you're moving at Kelsey's pace, not at your pace, Blake.

So that will lower the number of people.

Here's what I was thinking I could do: I could go ahead and like clear obstacles with my big dump truck ass.

And the people pursuing you are a five.

Well, they already started off farther away, so if they're the same speed, they'll never catch up.

Actually, no, sorry, their move is a seven.

Damn, I knew that.

You're not a five, sorry.

It was exciting.

Sounds like a retcon.

No, you a seven.

But that is a seven.

Hey, I was the guy that fixed the bank's mistake.

It was

accidental, you know?

Here's how this is going to work.

Trudy, you have four move actions.

Blake, you have four move actions.

Mothman has one.

The scientists have three.

And Francis is on your shoulders, Trudy.

You burst out of this office.

You see this mob of sunburned scientists, you know, about two locations away, a little bit down this long hallway.

And Francis, you remember the way back to Laika, and you're ostensibly in the lead with Trudy.

So I assume you guys all just take off down the hallway, right?

Yes.

All right.

I'm ratatooing Trudy in terms of telling her like when to turn.

Nice.

That's great.

Okay.

One last thing to worry about.

You see a fork in the road and you know that to the right is Laika.

As this alarm trips off and you're running down the hallway, you see that doors around you are popping open left and right, as if automatically, as if something in this facility is trying to flood the zone with things that are getting in your way to just try to slow you down with any and everybody it has available.

Is this Laika?

Is Leica working against us?

No, no way, she loves us.

As this decided,

there's one big like stretch of hallway between you and the bad guys.

So they're going to move up to the director's office where you guys just were.

You guys are going to move rounding the corner into the corridor towards Laika's room.

So we are now going to roll.

See if there are any hazards or barriers in this hallway waiting for you.

And you guys rolled a 71.

You guys spill around the corner.

A ficus.

A ficus?

Yeah.

Like a ficus tree.

Like a tree.

Like a plant.

Why?

You have a little greenery in your office.

Okay, yeah, I like that.

This door bursts open, and you see that it is, in fact, the experimental botany lab.

And a writhing, ginormous ficus tree flops out of this laboratory and seems to be using its branches to inch its way across the ground.

Ficus aren't native to this continent.

That's why it's experimental.

So this is going to be a hard hazard,

which means it's

a hoard hazard.

So, you're going to need to make a skill roll to get through it.

You can use your movement actions to give yourself a bonus to this role.

We'll go in terms of order of dexterity.

Blake, you're up first.

What skill are you?

Yeah, what skill?

It depends on how you approach it.

How do you want to deal with this thing?

So, this is the role-playing game, right?

I have a skill I can finally use.

Library use?

No, I've used that one.

We were in the library.

I got one more, though.

It's a good one, Beth.

Let's just say I'm naturally gifted at things of this world.

In its natural world.

You might say that this plant, I already know a lot about it.

Kelsey, do you have a plan to deal with the plant?

Yeah, I know what that is.

It's a plant.

Okay.

Great.

No, your enemies have the battle.

And get this.

Plants are not supposed to tip over on their own and crawl towards you.

So I know that it's unnatural.

So actually, I think my use of natural world, it's not going to be that helpful.

Blake, ficuses are sensitive to changes in light level.

So, if you can just really change the light level, either up or down, it doesn't matter.

It's just the change.

Oh, that actually

will stare it.

I know you're thinking, Ficus F, but botany B.

Nice.

When you say that, Mothman looks up at you and says, Mark Jesus has a thing for that.

Just because he likes light.

It's like

he is going to

flashlight.

That's just a flashlight.

I can make this area very dark.

Will that be useful?

None of us have like night vision, so

he's going for us is that we know where we're going.

Well, if he can become the line leader, can you see in the dark?

Yes.

The line leader.

Yes, okay.

So if he makes it really dark, the ficus will probably, you know, at least according to.

Yeah, but then we'll be going by his speed, which is not very good.

We're only as fast as the slowest of us, Francis.

The footsteps are going around.

It's probably time to start making fucking decisions.

Turn off the lights.

Mossman casts void light, which creates a sink from which photons cannot emerge.

The entire area around you becomes pitch dark.

Take that, you fucking ficus.

Now you're not going to thrive.

Okay, is this just bad for them?

Is that what you're saying, Matt?

Yeah.

Plants need photosynthesis.

All right.

Photos.

It's up to you.

It's a little hint as to how that works.

Specifically, according to Google, which means according to Kelsey's learning, is that ficuses are particularly sensitive to changes in light and they may not thrive.

They are moved from a consistent location.

So the ficus, this man-sized man.

This is kind of like, you know, sentient.

Maybe it's ficuses are exhydrated and strengthened.

You've never heard a tree scream before, but you now hear this tree scream.

Everybody's...

I'm not eating vegetables anymore.

Only meat from now on.

It starts to rear back to go back into the light of the room that it came from.

It's like a moth.

It's drawn to the light.

We will say that it pulls back away from the room.

But you can't tell if the hallway is clear because you cannot see, but you hear it starting to slither back.

Into your hands and wings we commend ourselves.

Bring us to like a Mothman.

And then Mothman says, hold.

Hold.

Okay.

Then he goes, okay, go.

And then you guys take off because he can see in the dark.

It's like a trust exercise with Moth Jesus.

Wow.

Not bad.

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It's pitch dark in here.

Is there anything you would like to do before you leave this location before this other group rounds the corner?

Ah, can we throw some things onto the ground to maybe fuck with the people following us?

It's a good idea.

Oh, there's a vending machine on the wall.

We'll say that.

Actually.

A vending machine?

That sounds like an invention of the capitalists.

Well, this one is, you know, free.

It's free.

Press all the buttons and then tip the vending machine.

Yeah, it's like a community library bunch of people.

There's one snack like just out of reach.

So they'll have to shake it and it'll fall on them.

But what's in it, though?

There's a bunch of.

It's too dark to tell.

Oh, you know what?

Because, yeah, they're all creepy and possessed.

it's just corn in there dude whoa it's just like ears of corn in this ears of corn yeah just like whole ears of corn

not even chucked dog i said chucked that's a dumb that's dumb i'm dumb no stupid stupid stupid you have this corn vending machine this corn hub if you will it's coming um you'll only remember where it was because it's now coming

weird we saw a vending machine of corn and we're like that is weird so you have a vague recollection of where it is but you will have to spend a move one of your movement actions to grope around for it boss man where was the vending machine with corn?

Oh, it's right over here.

Okay, I'm going to go over and tip it over.

For my little action, because my face is terminatorized and probably there's like some metal pieces sticking out, I want to remove like a small spring or piece of metal from my head.

Okay.

And then place it on the ground.

Like a piece of metal, like a pointy piece of metal that one might step on or something like that.

Is that the idea?

Okay.

They're not barefoot.

Nails go through car tires, bro.

We don't know.

We don't know if they're barefoot.

You know what?

I shouldn't be yucking a plan.

Give me a luck roll.

What's my luck?

It's 33.

The Jesus number.

I got a 48.

You find this like really nice sharp rod of metal like this.

Like as you pull it out of your cheekbone.

Cool.

Roll me a 1d6.

Boom.

Four.

All right, so four of your teeth fall out when you do that.

Oh, no.

So now there are four of your teeth and you can set this pointy like nail wherever you want.

They're like molars, right?

They're not in the front of my mouth, right?

It's just too dark.

You can't see it.

Oh, no.

Trudy, the redneck robot.

Probe around your mouth with your tongue, Trudy, to know which ones fell out.

Oh, my incisors.

All right.

Trudy spent an action to do that.

And the teeth are on the ground now, too.

Yeah, and they're so cheap.

They don't want to step on those teeth either.

While they're gingerly trying to avoid the teeth, that's when we hit them with the corn.

So wait, are you trying to topple it over now or are you going to wait?

I'm going to top it over now.

All right, give me a strength check.

Does anyone want to help him?

This is going to be a hard strolling check.

I'm holding on to Trudy, so very hard rolling.

It's going to be a hard strength roll.

Let's go.

18 out of 75, which is

super success.

All right.

This thing topples over and slams on the ground.

You hear the unmistakable sound of corn husks scattering everywhere.

Now, here's the thing.

You can recognize that sound anywhere.

Corn is, you know, like a tapered cylindrical object.

Sort of like.

I think what the super success is does it like fall out and like cause the kind of tripping hazards and like whoops it's a little bit different?

Well, how did you topple it over?

I pushed it really fucking hard.

I will give you a choice.

Either you tipped it over on its face and now there's a large vending machine blocking the road that they're going to have to climb over, or you tipped it over on its side, and there are now a bunch of small corn-on-the-cob rolls scattered across the hallway that they will have to

broken glass.

So, which would you like to do?

I think on the side.

Okay, great.

You pull it over on its side, and yes, you hear the unmistakable sound of non-husked ears of corn bouncing across the floor.

Nice.

We'll give them a listen roll to see if they hear that sound.

No way.

You got to be a farmer to know what that is.

Because they eat corn all the time.

Yeah, you think none of them ever dropped their corn, dude?

But they didn't hear it.

So you're fine.

Nice.

Francis, do you want to do anything?

No, I think I'm just still navigating.

Francis, you could have just pointed your leg down the hallway and gotten the free innocent kill.

I already used my freebie, and I don't have that many bullets.

Can I suggest something that I can drop on the ground?

Oh, you haven't done a thing yet.

Yeah.

I want to say that in my pocket, Kelsey's, this isn't a good name for it, so just accept that this is, you know, we'll brainstorm this name later and decide if this is good.

But she's got her naughty pocket.

I think you nailed it at one, Matt.

And the naughty naughty pocket pocket?

I'm going to need more details.

And the big pocket in her jacket, when kids are playing with stuff they shouldn't be playing in class, she puts them in her pocket and she gets them at the end of the day.

She's got a bunch of jumping jacks.

She's got a real stuffed naughty pocket.

A bunch of jumping jacks.

You know, essentially like country.

I know.

We'll come up with a better one.

They're just jacks.

Jumping jacks are jumping jacks.

Yeah.

So she's got kids who are playing too much jumping jacks during class.

They're just jacks.

They're jacks.

Yeah.

Jumping jacks are an exercise.

Oh, jumping jacks are the exercise.

That's right.

Every time you say jumping jacks, you're going to have to do a jumping jack for them.

Okay, how many times did I say it?

You don't have to do it now.

You don't have to do it like in real life.

All right, Matt's doing them.

All right, there you go.

Okay, jumping jacks.

He's having a good time.

We're going to trick Matt into doing cardio.

Okay.

You got to trick me to do it.

So she's got a bunch of jacks because the kids are, you know, playing in class.

Okay, so she's going to throw some jacks.

Drop some jacks.

Gambling dice is gambling.

You can gamble with Eddie Cabe.

That's true.

Hey, hey, Jimmy, if you win this game of checks, you get $100.

Oh, yeah, but if I win, I get the $100.

Cool.

They gambled.

Hey, hey, I bet Jimmy's going to win.

Oh, shit.

Now half the class is gambling because now they're betting.

This is an important point because this is what I brought up when POGS were big at my school and they banned POGS because they said it was gambling.

And I went around and got a bunch of kids to sign a petition to bring to the administration to say we should just ban playing for keeps.

And they did nothing with that suggestion.

And that's when they became disillusioned with the political process.

That's fair.

scene scene, Blake's cool idea.

I figure that, you know, Jimmy, who's canonically who I said was playing Jax, I'll apologize to him later and buy him his Jacks back.

I figure they're worth dropping on the floor.

Get the Jacks back.

The original Lego in terms of Lego.

We've got the Venus.

Dude, you think that boomers were like, D-A-E hate it when you step on your kids' jacks in the middle of the night?

Guys, ever dead end up jumping jacks and landing right now.

Yeah, you said it.

You got to do another one.

I got him.

You got him.

Yeah.

You guys around the corner in the next room.

We'll deal with what happens there.

But as you run, you hear in the pitch darkness behind you the sound of your creepy, screeching, sunburned pursuers stumbling around this hallway.

And we're going to see how they fare with these obstacles they don't know are there.

There should be just like one normal guy that's like, fuck!

That son of a bitch.

So first here, we're going to give them a luck roll for Beth's big fucking sharp piece of metal.

Oh, and the group got a two, so nobody managed to step on it.

Trudy doesn't know that, and she thinks she was very helpful.

Yeah.

Okay.

They also rolled very well on their luck for the Jacks.

So, um, you can't tell if they stepped on any of them, but they, or maybe they just stepped over them or something like that.

The vending machine corn.

We're going to make this one a hard luck roll because they're corn everywhere.

Come on, come on.

They fail 86 on the corn roll.

So now

it's going to be a disadvantaged dexterity roll for them to not be hobbled and befuddled by all this corn they're slipping and sliding around on.

Okay.

Well, that's a 97.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

Blake Live Lee.

MVP.

Okay, so yes.

You hear the telltale sound of a large group of people running into a bunch of slippery rolls of corn and falling over on the ground.

No sweeter sound.

They all wipe the fuck out.

I can't believe my ears.

Can I spot him on something?

You should be a colonel in the army.

Yes, go ahead.

You should be a colonel on this ear.

Of corn.

Yes, why is it colonel?

What are you trying to spot?

Never mind.

Ignore that.

Never mind.

Not good.

I mean, just a normal success.

I don't think it's good enough for what I was looking for.

What were you looking for?

I want to see, since they have a whole vending machine of corn, kind of like, you know, if you got like a coffee machine, they got like those little stirrers and stuff, right?

Corn accessories.

So I feel like if they had a vending machine of corn, they'd have those little spikes for corn on the cop.

You know, you put on either side the little corn of the cob holders.

And there's little spikies.

These are all like the little handlers.

Yeah,

that's okay.

Oh, no, I like that.

But with a normal success, yeah.

Yeah, you find, okay, yeah.

You have like a little like table with some corn accessories.

I see all these corn on the cobbles.

People say that you have a bunch of little corn holders.

Gear up.

Gear up, everybody.

They're like little knives.

There's also one of those movie theater butter dispensers.

If someone wants to rip that off the wall, they can take that one.

Butter.

Hey, just rip it off the wall and just spill the butter.

Well, she can't because she's carrying Francis.

Choose wisely, Western man.

You can either choose the pointy corn holders or the wall.

You chose correctly last time.

Should I put butter?

Should I put butter on the floor or should I grab these little tiny knives?

Each knife has two little knives.

It's like double knife.

Need I remind you what your catchphrase is, Kelsey?

Get that butter.

Okay, well, getting the butter means not spilling it.

I'm just gonna grab the butter and carry it.

Okay, great.

I got the butter.

Okay.

I had to drop the butter.

Yeah, but well, maybe we'll need it later for more.

I don't think we will bad guys.

I don't think we will.

You don't okay, fine.

They already got knocked out.

We're gonna deal with it.

I'm gonna hold on to the butter, Trudy.

Okay.

I'm gonna hold on to it.

You hear them knock out.

You emerge from the darkness, and you're once again sprinting down the hallway towards Laika.

We're we're gonna do another hazard roll to see if any other horrible things happen to you.

Frances, Laika likes you.

Maybe call out, like, do you think Laika knows what's happening?

I think Leica's uh got access to all the security cameras and stuff, so yes, for sure.

So, she's not helping us, she's kind of well, was there any audio on the cameras?

I'm trying to remember, but she knows we got her treats, yeah, like wave the treats in the air, maybe, so she knows that we're trying to come for treats.

Oh, that makes sense.

Uh, and I wave the treats in the air, I go, treats, treats, like, is a good girl, please open the way, good girl, and block the way behind us.

Good girl.

As you emerge from the darkness, you see Laika's room straight ahead of you.

But then I rolled a 90.

Uh-oh, probably good for us.

No, that's not good for you.

That's very bad for you.

This is for the random barriers and hazards.

So a 90 plus is eight.

It's another hard hazard/slash barrier.

Since we did a hazard last time, we're going to do a barrier this time.

This is what I have in mind for your barrier.

Oh, the glass ceiling.

There's one last intersection before you get to Laika's room.

As you run up the hallway, you hear bam, bam, you hear these heavy footfalls.

As you go towards the hallway, you hear the ground shaking.

And then right before you get to the edge of the hallway, you hear something like alight and leap.

And then again, you're in a big, almost like open, high-ceilinged area.

You see a one-bedroom hut, like a house slam down in the middle of the hallway.

Okay.

With a door shut right in front of you.

This house just slams in the hallway, blocking your path to Laika on the other side.

Is there any

doormat?

Is there any space to the left or right?

Not enough for you to wedge through.

It's like about six inches on eight.

What if we were really slippery?

Okay, six inches.

Six inches.

I like that.

I like that.

What if we were all buttered up?

Let's just say.

There's barely enough room on the side.

Step butter.

If someone wanted to get greased up, it looks like a sort of medieval Russian peasant's hut just slams down in front of you.

Everybody give me a spot-hidden rule.

Okay.

On the scale of like the three little pigs, on the the scale of like hay mud brick you know how strong is this hut it's a um

three little things

like where are you going with this

blowing down the bull is it i got a super success of spot hidden oh well i don't even care i failed the hut seems to be made of like thatched like that was the weakest one back yeah it was on

what was it sticks and bricks and straw sticks and bricks a straw hut whoa so it's really weak okay by the way, bricks?

Come on.

Like, you live in Tornado Alley.

You know the torsional and the fucking torque strength.

The bricks is pretty fucking bad.

Okay, so it's a pretty weak hut.

Anthony, you guys, super successful.

What did I see?

So you see that the hallway this thing appeared to have jumped down from down the hallway.

You see a sign.

It's the psionic Slavic folk apparition wing of the research center.

That this thing's using the future.

No, Francisco.

But yes, there are much more deliberation.

It would be a extreme dexterity to squeeze your way through.

It would be a hard dexterity if someone got greased up first.

Okay.

You're getting a little bit of a drink.

Now, what about busting through a Kool-Aid Man style?

Nice.

Yeah, can we attack this from two fronts?

Can we just beat this fucking thatcher?

Can we just beat his ass?

Up to you.

Up to you.

Time is ticking.

I'm going to give you guys

one minute to figure out how you want to approach it.

Can we just check the door lock?

Is it locked?

Oh, the door itself.

So that's never one thing you should do.

The only movies they do where they do that are like, oh, the door was locked the whole time.

So let's let's just check the lock.

The door is not locked.

Oh, I opened the door.

No, no, no.

Careful.

It's a psionic.

It could be Baba Yaba.

You open the door.

It's Jabba.

You open the door.

And the first thing you see is, in fact, a wart-covered, wrinkled old woman

stirring a big mortar with a pestle.

And she looks at you and says, Get out of my house!

Oh, I was just delivering, and I put the butter down and I closed the door.

Wait, wait, wait.

Could you see a back door when you opened it?

Oh, I'm gonna peek open.

Sorry,

I didn't mean to interrupt, and I want to look to see if I see a back door.

There's no back door that we'll say, there's a window.

Oh, that if someone was greased up,

sounds like nobody really wants us to get greased up.

Reddit slash DD.

Our DM keeps pushing us to get greased up in his campaign.

Ma'am, do you mind if we just go through that back window?

And she just looks at you and goes,

and her mouth is growing bigger.

I don't think she wants that.

Does the door open outwards or inwards?

Would a thatch house even have a door?

She's got like one of those, it's like a cloth.

It's one of those clothes.

One of those 70s beaded curtains.

Does the cloth go in or out?

Is this butter enough for all of us to be greased up to try to make it through the window?

Because he wants to grease up.

I'm just trying to.

I know you want this, Will, so you tell us how we can make it.

Do you grease up all of us or do you just grease up the window?

Doesn't three.

Will got a little railroad-y when it came to the butter.

I don't want you to grease up your whole body, but you could all grease your feet up.

We all grease our feet up, and we show Will our feet.

I grease up my rollerblades, and then I'm going to jump over the house.

You're going to jump over the house.

Surely there's way more room above the house.

Well, that changes the whole calculation.

Yeah, is there room above?

Well, there has to be a jump.

Yeah, so yes, there is.

Yes, there's room above the house.

You could climb over the house.

And being greasy, unfortunately, won't help you do that.

Hovering off the ground certainly will.

It's also like sticks and stuff.

So it's probably pretty easy holds in terms of climbing.

All right.

Here's what happens.

You guys have been debating this long enough.

You see this stumbling army.

Will distracted us by talking about greased feet, though.

Yeah.

Welcome to my perverted plan.

Oh, no.

Now they all are going to see your greased feet.

Now they're all going to see your dirty, greasy feet.

They're going to laugh at your feet.

There's an army of deranged scientists starts to stumble around the hallway.

What do you want to do?

We're gonna go in dexterity order right now.

Climbing, I'm gonna throw Trudy up.

You're gonna yeet Trudy over.

She's already hovering.

I'm gonna do a sick grab with my skates.

And then Francis, you're clinging on to Trudy still.

Yeah, like RRR style.

I'm gonna sort of grab onto the top of the roof and try to like swing us both with the momentum like over it.

Okay, great.

Blake, that's gonna be a movement action from you.

And give me a strength check to see how hard you throw in right now.

87 out of 75.

Okay, so actually, no, we'll say give me advantage because Trudy does have hover boots on.

Ah, 27.

That's a super success.

Super success.

All right.

Describe to me how you shot put these two up the fucking.

What do you do?

Trudy, onto my shoulders.

Okay.

And then so she hovers onto my shoulders and I just stand up really fast.

I go, huh.

Okay, so you just launch her that way.

Okay, great.

Trudy, you are now airborne with Francis.

I'm 1993 major motion picture airborne.

Okay, sick.

I assume you're also kind of jumping when you do this.

Sure.

Give me an advantage dexterity roll to clear Baba Yaga's hut.

To clear Baba Yaga's hut with the help of Blake's yeeting.

Can I do jump instead since I have more.

Oh, you have jump?

Yeah.

In the words of Van Halen, you might as well jump.

Yeah.

My wins!

I only have a 27 and jump, but it's two more.

Okay.

There you go.

Advantage, remember.

77.

Okay.

Oh, so you need a one or a two.

17.

Yo,

shit.

So again, Beth, paint us the picture.

Time slows down.

The coolest song you've ever heard, but you don't know what it is, starts playing.

It's a rock song.

Francis soars like from Trudy's back over the house and does like a sick flip.

Like I get launched off you?

Yeah, I think.

Okay.

Okay.

In a safe way.

You're like the skateboard.

Like she's let go of you, but she's going to get you back.

Oh,

You're like the skateboard doing this.

You're doing like a Christ air with Francis.

Yeah, I'm doing a Christ air with her.

You invent the Christ air.

That's why they call it Christ air because moth Jesus.

But

I call it the Moth Jesus air.

The Moth Jesus air.

I think Christ invented the Christ air.

No, Christ didn't.

How do you think they got him up there?

Hey, Matt, I hate to bring it to you, but old J of N did not skateboard.

Can you imagine going to a skateboard church where they're like body of Christ, heir of Christ?

If a youth pastor launched and nailed a 720 Christ air, I'd convert right there.

Yeah, that's true.

You Christ air over the top of Baba Yaga.

With like a 540.

Okay, with a 540.

You stick the landing on the other side with Francis on your back.

Francis, anything you want to contribute here?

Is there anything you want to do?

Apparently, I am a prop at this point, and I'm happy to be.

I'm happy to be the cross-tier Christ.

Sick.

Wow.

I just want to hang out with you.

If Jesus Christ had been at the Christ air, they would have made skateboards out of the cross and sold them as like...

The one true board.

Yeah.

Skateboarding slay.

If you already know all the skateboarding slays.

All right, you said all the Tony Hot games.

I stuck that primo.

That takes care of the two of you.

You guys are on the other side of this barrier.

That leaves two more of you in a moth.

Well, Jesus is very hurt, right?

We check the power of his wings.

Like, if we were to, like, climb and jump, like, would he be able to flap his wings to like, you know, make it easier for us lighter?

Oh, I see.

So you want him to, like, you want to to like land the load for us as we're like climbing up this thing?

Like, with that, you guys are just going to scale the house?

Yeah, well, that was one thought.

Sure, you scale with Moth Jesus.

I will boost you to help you from behind.

I will take care of Papa Yaga.

Oh, man.

Okay.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Blake, give me another strength roll.

I'm going to hand you the butter.

Be like, grease up if you got it.

You know what to do.

And I start rubbing it all over myself in anticipation.

Shirt off and douses himself.

Make it your butter.

Strength roll number two with Kelsey and Moth Jesus.

Yes.

95 out of 75.

Well, we'll say that because Moth Jesus is flapping his wings, you're going to get one more shot at this as an advantage to me.

55 out of 75.

So normal success.

Yep.

All right, Kelsey, give me a job.

Right before I, oh, what do I need to give you?

You need to give me an advantage to jump or dexterity, your choice.

I want to say something right before he launches us.

20.

You got 20.

I got 20.

Okay, great.

What do you say before you jump?

I go, Blake, listen, ready?

Baba Yaga, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock off, exactly 32 feet.

There's a small window.

It is two feet by 18 inches, okay?

Vertical.

Turn sideways.

There is a small rug to the left.

It looks slippery.

Small dining room table to the right of the window.

And then you can climb off of it.

And then Blake gently puts a finger to your lips and says, Fear not, Kelsey.

This is not the first time I have encountered Baba Yaga.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Godspeed, Millionaire Plumber, and I'm going to go.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

He's still going to fuck Baba Yaga.

God's going to lose Baba.

I told you I'd come back.

Be step, Baba, and now it's your time to come.

So, yes, you leap over.

Both man is straining, but is able to flap his wings and get you over the side.

Everyone is over on the other side except for you, Blake and Maddie.

And I turn around and I see the shambling hordes.

And I say, if you wish to have me, come and claim me.

And then I whip the curtain aside and I step into Baba Yaga's husband.

And I go, Baba Yaga.

She looks at you and she narrows her eyes and she says, We meet again.

And this time, I bring you fresh souls.

And then I run.

And then

I try and run.

And I want to try and run and dive through face first through the window.

Oh my God.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Yeah, that's great.

Bring you first.

I hope you become like Pooh Bear.

I hope we got to pull you out of this window.

This will be a dexterity role.

Does he get advantage because I gave him all this information so he had a heads up in terms of like, I just pulled a thing he can see with his own eyes.

Kelsey was right.

He goes, oh, yeah, Kelsey is describing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Kelsey, give me an intelligence role.

I was thinking it was going to be dark two.

So critical success?

Super duper success.

If you failed, I was going to say that the window's in the wrong spot.

No, you want to.

It would be that there's a painting of a window in the spot next to where the real window is.

Yeah, the room is just as Kelsey described it.

So you're trying to jump through a narrow window.

Greased up.

Greased up.

So here's what we're going to say: we're going to do a straight dexterity roll to jump through the window.

And then we'll give you an advantaged luck roll because of the grease

to see if you make it through without getting stuck.

All right, dexterity is a super duper success.

15.

This is not the first time I have let through Baba Yaga's window.

Just paint us a picture of the last time.

What happened last time between you two?

I will maybe get into it if someone asks.

We just did.

No, I didn't care.

Okay, I'm talking about it now.

I don't want to tell the same story to us.

I respect that.

It's just like riding a bike, jumping out of fucking Baba Yaka's window for you.

You remember the exact spot that you used to kip up and parkour off of her fucking stone?

You got a little twist that I did.

Yeah, and you do a pirouette, but now you remember because you banged your head last time.

They're like, well, I better talk.

Talk, talk, talk, control a little bit.

My chin a little bit.

And you sail through the window, but you're not quite as svelt as you used to be.

That's true.

The last time you did this, you were a lot smarter.

Oh, when you and Baba Yaga boned every team.

When her partner was out of town.

Yeah, when Dad, Baba Yaga, when Dada Yaga came back, was like, what the fuck?

And you went out the window.

Give me a three.

Dad Badayaga.

Mr.

Dad, Badayaga.

Give me a luck roll with advantage for the grease to see if you in fact get stuck in this window.

First roll is a 60.

Okay.

60 out of 29.

Oh, God.

The second roll was a 10.

Fucking clear the luck, baby.

Skater Trudy hits Francis against the side of the quarter pipe like a skateboard and be like, That was steasy as hell.

So yeah, we'll say that like in an Avengers kind of moment, like this all happened simultaneously on the other side of it.

Like you see fucking Trudy sticks this landing with Francis right as Mothman is flapping his wings and Kelsey Lance.

And then right at that moment, a greased up shirtless fucking Blake Lively blasts out of Bob.

You're heading through it like

spiraling like a Tom Brady football.

Either you just like flow through super easy or like the moment you hit the window, it is like too small for you, but then like kind of like one of those Play-Doh machines, you just stop.

I turned to the groom and say, we must make haste.

I have questions.

We do not want to be near here when she begins harvesting these souls.

And Shri's like, you know what they say?

A moth flaps its wings in Russia.

The cruelest tornado happens.

Also in Russia.

Okay.

Kickflip.

All right.

So you guys have now made it through.

You're right at Laika's door before you enter Laika's room.

And we hear, of course, the other one.

That's what we hear in the background.

We got a roll for that.

So behind you, all the guys are running, and then they skid to a halt because they know this is Baba Yaka.

This is not.

They've been kidding any Baba Yakaka.

They've all tasted Baba Yaka.

But I told them if they.

That's where she gets her power.

But I told them if they wished to have me, they had to come and claim me.

The scientists are going to attempt to put together an offering for Baba Yaka to win her favor in this fight.

Yeah, how about a new fucking window?

They all look amongst each other and they all line because they're all a hive mind, right?

They all do everything for the greater good.

Nice.

They all line up by height.

They got to be really good at sex then.

And the tallest, long straws, the tallest, most beautiful, and virile-looking scientist at the end of the line nods solemnly and they all like sort of like lick their thumbs and stamp them on him and like they do like little blessings on him and stuff like that and then he walks forward and prostrates himself in the doorway of baba yaka and we are gonna roll to see if this offering of man flesh is enough to persuade her to aid them in her

prostates himself himself.

Can I say they use butter like the Catholics use ash for ash Wednesday and they like

Simba.

I need another detail.

It's like dating in LA, man.

There are a lot of tens in L.A.

I know.

But when you're an eight, it's tough.

Wait, then who's the nine?

So they got an 11.

So Baba Yaga looks pleased with their offering.

And

the door to her hut closes.

And as you step into Laika's office, you hear an ecstatic moan of pleasure turn into a curdling scream of agony.

A curling, creamy scream of agony.

I'll take the cream of agony.

As blood, a geyser of blood, blasts out of that window, but Satan, Baba Yaga turns sides, and you see two big chicken legs stick out of the hut, and it rises and turns towards you.

And Baba Yaga has now joined the pursuit.

Oh, no.

She comes once and all of a sudden she goes like, yes, Jesus Christ.

Bitches be crazy.

But we'll say that you've got one distance between you, them, and Baba Yaga.

Now you're at Laika.

She's like a large into the room.

Treats?

Yeah.

I toss a handful of treats at Laika like haphazardly and I go, shut the door.

I can do that.

I close the door.

You can lock it.

Like if you have like some

lock up.

All right.

Fuck me then.

I just go back to being a skateboard and I silently go stiff.

Check this out.

A kid flip.

A kid flip.

A kid flip.

You've heard of pushing mango, but this is pushing mango.

That's for my skaters out there.

For my fucking skaters out there.

I like that one, Beth, because I'm cool like a skater, too.

Hell yeah.

So clarify, Leica's room is a dead end.

Leica's room is a dead end.

Yes.

Okay, as far as treats.

As far as we know.

As far as you know.

And the door's locked behind us.

Above Yaga's hut cannot go through this.

This is a normal size door, right?

That's true.

Okay, good.

Nice.

They picked the wrong ally.

Okay.

Well, first, I want to ask Laika if there's a way out.

What's the quickest way from here to Mothman's ship that we can get to safely?

This is very simple.

You simply go out this door and back the way you came.

What is wrong?

What is wrong?

Baba Yaga's outside and everybody.

And they're coming to take your treats.

Baba Yaga is outside.

Yes.

She just had sex or something.

This is not the first time Leica has faced Baba Yaga.

Why she gets around?

Please.

You help Leica.

You are front to Leica with your many trees.

Yes.

Leica will help you escape.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What would you like Leica to do?

Who's gonna go to the spaceship?

If you can find a way to clear out the hallway and like redirect them or like, I don't know, is there an acid button in addition to the big hut button?

Or is there like a vent?

Are there vents here that we can climb?

Man-size vents.

Man-size vent.

Let me think.

And women-size vents.

Leica, draw upon your non-Euclidean geometry to reshape the form of this base and put us next to.

Yeah, can you fold space real quick?

just it's always worth asking it never hurts to ask that's true uh there's a lot of weird stuff here like a's eyes roll back in her head as she ponders your many questions and she's like i need treats to power my thinking give me many treats and i will think i will think hard with no hesitation i do so

you're a good girl don't forget that it's like feeding punch cards into an old machine yeah she as she cookie monsters this huge box of dog treats she sort of lolls around in ecstasy and then her eyes bolt open as she has a plan for you do you remember that little moth that was following you guys around the way

remember yeah dude that moth is incredible yeah you're like

that moth watched us beat ass that whole episode it like kind of lands on like a nose and like his eyes go wide and nayaka's like yes yes of course i know the way i know what we must do yes first i will open the hangar door so you can escape in your ship and then she closes her eyes and you can hear like off in the distance like a boo boo

as this thing opens when you get a sense you get a feeling that had you chosen not not to help Laika, that would have been like a thing you would have had to deal with.

You're not going to replay this podcast, you know, as

YouTube and see what other people do.

Yeah, you know, they got other groups that chose not to do that.

We would have just died.

We would have died.

They would have just closed the door and we died.

Yeah.

That would have been the end.

So good thing you guys didn't do that.

And then Laika says, I also know a way for you to escape.

Right.

There is a man-sized maintenance hatch under my station.

You need to rip me off pedestal and climb through, and there will be tunnels that can take you to safety.

Moth will show you the way.

Is that gonna kill you?

Yeah,

it may

not be good for Laika.

I have one more request for you.

Is it gonna be sad?

If you do this,

Laika can survive several minutes detached from system, just enough time to get to ship.

All Laika wants is to see the stars one more time.

Oh my god,

if you take me with you so that I may see the stars, then it is okay that I go.

Oh, yeah,

what's the system that's keeping you like what's it provided could maybe we could jury rig some yeah mothman do you think you become part of your ship or like live on your ship we may try i don't know okay probably have to roll for it it sounds very complicated but an app from an unsigned developer well either way i promise we will do our best to get you to the stars thank you he's my dog i'll do it okay he's your dog i decided

that's nice the more things holding francis has a dog blake has a cat trudy

has a moth man yes great

what

we've got encyclopedia yeah Kelsey's just you know in the book

your bookhouse of her sister's room

guest room of her sister's house francis has a dog but Kelsey's got that dog in her mouth

dog in you doesn't do much those lonely nights yeah these are good animals though

as Leica says thank you you hear the unmistakable sound of two huge chicken feet stomping down a corridor with a house on top of them, followed by the scurrying sounds of many a scientist as they close in on the room.

Francis, give me a strength check to rip Laika off of her station.

Francis, don't forget to right-click and safe eject.

My strength is a 45 and I rolled a 58.

Okay.

That's what Francis said.

You guys can't.

Francis, please step aside and stop making that noise, too, while we do this.

The one you're doing.

It's really heavy.

Don't worry, Francis.

Kelsey, let's do this.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

Strength roll.

I hope.

22 out of 37.

Okay, nice.

94.

So sparks fly as you manage to rip Laika's sort of like pedestal off of this

off of the ground.

And there is, sure enough, a big hatch in the floor

that you can narrowly crawl through if you would like to.

How are we getting Laika over?

Is there like a chip or or something?

Some sort of.

When you pop this thing off, Leica has like a dog collar that has like sealed off the bottom of her head and it's plugged into a bunch of wires.

But as you rip it out, like you see stuff start to power down, but like the thing has like a little bit of innate charge left in it.

Maybe it's wired into Trudy.

Oh, I mean, I would ask you first, obviously.

No, but maybe

instead of a ship, we can like put like on like a little, like, you know, like a little like wheelchair thing.

Like a little.

You're wasting time.

We need to get to my ship.

I suppose that if we can't fit through this man-size hole, we could always use butter.

Oh, that's all hot Blake.

Ah, yes, everyone.

Rub up against me.

I feel like I'm good.

Francis, you can rub against my face.

Oh, fuck.

Hold on.

Sorry,

I dropped the blank.

I have to pick it back up.

Sorry.

But Will just threw a knife at Andrew.

It's a spoon.

No, no, no.

That's last thing.

I had a bit at the end.

I'm socializing the story a little bit.

I'm creating clickbait in real time.

You won't believe what Will did.

You won't believe what this dungeon master did to his podcast.

Hot feeling when you get a spoon thrown at you.

How can you throw a spoon?

Let's go.

Let's go,

the vents.

What was blocking the vent?

Leica's body, essentially.

It was like a big pedestal that Leica was on, and below the pedestal is this hatch.

Because it's like a maintenance hatch to work on Laika from below.

Everybody get in.

Okay.

I'm the biggest too.

So, you know, just in case I get stuck, I don't want, you know, I should be last down the water slide.

No,

you can't get stuck.

You have to finish the butter.

Yeah, I know.

I'm hugging Blake still.

I'm rubbing it all over myself.

I will go first, so I will spread some additional butter residue trails.

Yeah, make yourself a bail trail as you go through, I guess.

Francis, as you can see from my dump truck ass.

Oh, my God.

I can't even see the light around you.

Everybody, be careful because we'll only have a margarine of inches.

I want to spot hidden to see if there's anything that, if I'm going to be the last one, anything that it was a chair or a round trash can, like anything that can go over the whole hole, like just to make it a little harder to see.

Yeah,

you know, just buys us some seconds, you know?

A 26.

My smile hidden is

what do you think?

I see to the right of like

there was the dog they used before.

It's just dead now.

Oh, no.

And I just removed it.

Like in what, like in 4R, it's in formaldehyde.

We'll say, you know, like you're not using that monitor, but they didn't take it to storage.

It's just off on the side of the desk.

I'll tell you.

So I just.

By the way, I say this as I have a computer monitor at my feet at this point.

Yeah, exactly.

So I just pull that one off, and then I'm going to put that.

So, like, then they'll think we went through, is there a hole underneath that guy, too?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, so they're like, which hole is that what you're doing?

I'm going to pull that off and do that.

No, this would have been they would have plugged it into Leica.

Okay, okay.

But yeah, I'm going to essentially remove that dog USB drive and we're going to stick it over us as we all right.

Sure, yeah, you get to do that.

Yes, you do that.

Yet again, you find yourselves crawling through a man-sized vent.

You hear this door burst open behind you, and you hear Babo Yago go, like, find them, find Blake Lively and his little dog, too.

Wow.

Oh, it's Blake's dog.

Which one of us is the dog?

Am I the dog?

No, the dog is the dog.

The dog's the dog.

I'm just reading about these Soviet space dogs.

There were a lot of them, actually.

Belka and Strelka.

And they all died really scared.

Yeah.

If you're in Los Angeles, the Museum of Jurassic Technology has an exhibit of paintings and portraits of the Soviet space dogs, and it's awesome.

I've been to that museum, and I didn't see them.

Upstairs, Beth.

You guys are scooching your way through.

Let's go ahead and do another hazard roll to see if there's anything in these tunnels.

Not this time.

Dice.

And yes, the moth is leading the way.

The moth is awesome.

Second Baba, you know which way.

We got a 66.

This is a regular hazard.

Okay.

Ew, there's some yucky slime in here.

Don't worry.

I will add some more slime to it.

And I just slid right through it.

Okay.

And I butter it up even more.

Nice.

Give me a...

Butter roll.

Give me a buttery roll.

Because you're just going to muck straight through it.

Yeah.

You're going to muck through the yucky slime.

Butter neutralizes acids.

Oh, shit, dude.

He wins.

You beat my trap, my impromptu slime trap.

Give me a sanity roll.

78 out of 85 out of 72, actually.

Roll 1d4 sanity.

One.

Okay, you lose one sanity and you realize that you don't know what you're under.

This seems to be leaking in from another one of these laboratories

dripping on the floor.

And like when you smell this slime, it gives you a sense memory of give me blake's happiest moment of his entire life oh that would probably be the first deep

no

go ahead no the happiest moment of blake's life he had a birthday party somewhere as a child and there was like a little like construction toy set and he kind of like made two pipes fit together and he's like as a child Ah, this will be my career.

And he spent an entire day undoing and breathe fastening.

As Blake wriggles through this slime, he narrates that story to all of you.

This reminds me of my 12th birthday party.

Oh, that's nice.

One of my friends gave me a pipe.

Another friend gave me, luckily, the same size pipe.

And Papa had a coupler.

And mama gave me PVC glue.

Now thinking back on it, it may have been the fumes of the PVC glue that I'm remembering.

Who's after Blake?

I'll, you know, kind of put Francis.

Okay, so Francis, you are now armor-crawling after Blake.

Are you going to try to avoid the slime or go through the slime?

You could avoid it.

Well, I mean, like, you didn't try to.

You just blasted through it.

You could have tried to avoid it.

Does that mean he like smeared it all over himself?

It's not there anymore.

No, there's still slime.

It's a creepy reservoir, dude.

Slime.

I will do my best to avoid it.

Okay, give me a dexterity roll.

Disadvantaged because of Bruhin Hello.

I'm just using my upper body, though.

To avoid it?

It doesn't matter.

I still passed.

Okay.

All right, nice.

Be a gentleman and put your coat down.

Fortunately.

You avoid the slime and do not have to share your happiest memory.

Trudy, you're next.

I'm also going to try to avoid it, and I will do that by doing that itsy bitsy spider dance that everybody's doing right now that looks really cool, but I don't know how to do it.

Dang.

All right.

Okay.

Well, I hope our audience knows what that looks like.

Can you give me a dexterity roll?

41.

All right.

I have

give me your sanity.

Sanity.

Sanity roll.

47 sanity, and I roll a 68.

Okay, so Rolla, give me a 1d4.

One.

All right, you lose one sanity.

As you splash into this slime, you smell a scent so familiar to you, and it takes you right back to that moment when, and you don't have to do it twice, you can just explain it as truth, what you're saying.

Maybe this sounds weird, but the slime, it smells like after I brought Timmy home from the hospital and I gave him a bath, and his hair smelled wonderful, and I was just sitting with him and smelling his hair.

Maybe that's creepy, but I just, I just felt so

content.

Okay, Matt, you're up next.

Kelsey would love to have a really nice memory, but she's also very, very low on sandy.

So

as nice as that would be, I will try to avoid it.

Now that the naughty pocket's empty, I don't have any reason for the jacket.

So I'm going to

put, I'm going to take the jacket off and put it over the slime.

Oh, okay.

Yeah,

I'm over it.

We don't have to do a dexterity roll for that, but give me a luck roll to see if you manage to avoid gooping yourself with this slime while you do that.

I mean, I have 15 luck, so can I just do a dexterity roll?

Seems like it was a good idea.

I always fail a luck roll.

No, this would be luck because essentially it's like you've laid this down.

I got four.

All right.

Congratulations.

You lay this thing down and you scooch your way across it and then Mothman follows after you.

And then as you guys are doing that, you hear the pedestal wrench open behind you.

And you see like a little like peekaboo jack-o'-lantern.

Like one of these scientists sticks their heads down and says, there they are.

I i found them there they are i found them trudy and blake give me a power roll pow is 85 i'm pleased to report a 25 sick which is a super success obviously i fail blake as you're crawling through the tunnel and the farther away you get from that slime you feel this yearning to go back to it like you just want to crawl back to it and breathe in it and just live there and just smear it all over yourself but you're able to fight it off as you remember the situation you're in and you manage to go forward But Trudy.

You know what it is?

The smell of butter keeps me grounding.

Yes, yeah.

The smell of butter does, in fact, cancel out the poison that was on the ground.

Trudy, you are not so lucky.

The sense memory of the smell of your son's hair right after he was born, things have been so dark and full of despair lately that you feel an irresistible urge to crawl back and live in that puddle.

Kelsey, you are right behind Trudy, and you see Trudy basically just stop and like dig her arms into the vent.

Because she doesn't want to move forward.

She doesn't want to move forward.

Trudy, dear, can can you push forward i have to go back go back where i left him before i i can't leave him again i i can't leave him again i have to be back with him you can go back yes back back where

trudy i'm gonna help you go back okay okay okay seeing that she's like clearly i'm gonna try to reason with her and be like yeah sorry you know just kind of a big gal can't really move out of the way so i think the fastest way to get back is if we go forward and we get out then we can turn around and i'll push you back the other way okay let's do it we can do this let's go back oh you gotta go back by going forward though because you can't get around me.

I like that.

What do you want to roll for that, Matt?

Persuade is 55.

I'd like to do persuade.

Okay, give me a persuade roll.

We'll call this a hard roll.

Hard means I have to do a super success.

Yes.

I got 29.

My super success is 27.

I'm going to say I have 15 luck.

I'll do it.

I got 13 luck.

Ooh.

We can't do it, but

we got to get her going.

Oh, 13.

That's great.

Can I spend one more luck?

So I only have 12 luck.

Why would you want to spend one more time?

13 to unlock.

He's unlucky.

Oh,

interesting.

It makes no sense, but I'm doing it.

Damn.

And Will, you know what's crazy?

By doing that, you get two luck.

So you're 14 now.

Yeah, it's like that elevator.

It's actually wait a second.

This feels like this is a sort of glitch because then he will never get it.

For an elevator, actually.

So even though it is flooring, well, he might have used more than two luck or more than one luck on his next luck roll.

So yeah, no, that's not what we'll say.

There is no 13 luck, so now you have 11 luck.

Wait, what?

It's like a building.

It's like a building when you get in the elevator.

You have 12 luck.

I have 12 luck.

Trudy, you are now convinced you still want to get back there, but you trust Kelsey enough that even though this doesn't make sense, Kelsey's never betrayed you before.

She's never hurt you before.

So you're going to go along with it.

I mean, to be fair, I'm not lying.

Like, I feel like I'm filling up.

It's going to be very hard to get past me.

Yeah, no, that's true, but I mean, you're not probably not going to let her go back into the bat.

It's too late.

I just have to keep going forward.

No, we'll turn around once again.

It's too late.

He doesn't love me anymore.

Of course he loves you.

He will always love you.

Trudy, what is that?

I'm I'm hearing that.

Everybody loves you.

You're great.

Keep going.

We're going to hit you.

We just have to keep going forward.

We're going to save him.

You're following this moth, and then all of a sudden it sort of sticks to a vent in front of you.

And if you pop it open, which I assume you do,

nothing would surprise me at this point.

I go,

and I punch it open with my powerful.

Okay, sick.

So then you find yourself in the middle of a vast hangar.

The door currently opening.

All of the guards that normally you would probably have to tangle with are busy frantically trying to get the door to shut.

They're banging on it and pushing against it and nothing's working.

And I turn around, I go, shh,

be very, very quiet.

It's just like in episode one when Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, they dropped out of the van.

They're in the hangar range.

Kelsey, you're right.

Kelsey, what the fuck?

The negotiations were short.

You fucked.

I scooped him.

What was the quote?

You were right.

The negotiations were short.

The negotiations were short.

Look, Masto, destroy us.

There's a straight shot to you and the Mothmobile.

Wow, how impressive Francis says as he stealthily puts the padlock onto Brunhilde that he kept from his suicide attempt.

Wait, what?

The padlock that prevents Brunhilde from firing, canonically.

Francis took it off before he tried to kill himself, and he kept the lock.

And at this moment, while he is pretending to be distracted by the majesty of the spaceship and all the chaos going on, he is going to put the lock stealthily onto Brunhilde's trigger guard so that she cannot kill Mothman once they're in the ship.

You took the lock off when you went outside to go kill yourself.

So you pocketed the lock?

Suicidal people do sometimes do things that go against your understanding.

All right, fair enough.

I'll allow it.

Give me a sleight of hand roll.

Ooh, I got a 20.

My sleight of hand is 10.

And I have 70 luck, which I'm going to spend 10 of, to go down to 60 luck and meet the success threshold.

So you lock Brunhilda.

Yes, Brunhilda can no longer fire.

Okay.

Yeah.

Don't caveat that.

Okay.

Good job, Anthony.

This whole time I've been wondering how I'm going to get the lock back on because I was like, I forgot you didn't have it.

Yes.

Once we got on the space show, I was going to be looking around, but you kept it.

I sure did.

Hell yeah.

I knew I'd have to jump at the right time.

I knew I'd have to fuck you over eventually.

The second she feels this lock.

tighten, you can sense that she's like about to pull this trigger just at whoever was behind her, which right now is Kelsey.

And so if you had botched that role, she would have shot Kelsey in the face.

But you managed to clip it just in time before you feel the trigger snap back.

And she's like, Francis, what are you doing, Francis?

It's time.

Francis, not again.

Not this time.

Not this time, Francis.

I'm too tired to do it.

I'm just, I have a headache.

Maybe tomorrow?

She goes dead quiet.

Owned.

We're out.

Everyone.

Yeah, no problem.

Quietly let us sneak onto the ship.

Yeah.

Okay, so you guys are creeping out of the vent to

sneak out.

But as a group, we kind of like shift between pieces of cover that cover us up.

And we fill our whole bodies with like the size of the cover yeah like suddenly we're behind a bunch of barrels and suddenly we're behind a bunch of cutouts in their exact shape everybody give me a stealth roll to make it to the ship

21 out of 90.

okay great so nice 47 out of 20.

okay

13 out of 39.

Okay.

Six out of 20.

Sorry, guys.

Kelsey's loud.

Better roll for Mothman.

Dude, he's a moth.

How many times have you been like, oh, moth?

Pretty much every time I see a moth in that situation.

So the stealth has got to be fucking choice.

Mothman got an 18.

So everyone manages to

hold on.

Everyone manages to sneakily get over there.

And then, Kelsey, you didn't realize that you had one last jack that had fallen from your naughty pocket down your pant leg.

And then as you're stepping, it spills out and goes dink, dink, dink, dink, dink on the ground.

And then you step on it and it hurts.

And you go, ow!

Can I try to like

flam my hand over Kelsey's mouth?

Kelsey's mouth.

Sure.

You put your hand over Kelsey's mouth.

Kelsey, give me a constitution roll to avoid screaming.

Pretty sure my constitution is not 83.

Let me just double-check.

Ah!

So you've flubbed your roll.

Okay.

So here's what we're going to say: is you bite down on Francis's hand, and then Francis screams.

And all of a sudden, the guards who are busy by the trying to stop the gate turn and see you and they run towards you.

But as they do so,

Mothman is going to fire his laser cannon just like when Han Solo's leaving.

Yeah.

No, he's going to activate the ship's turrets.

Yeah, dude.

He wants to obliterate these people.

He wants to turn these people to dust, dude.

Shadows and dust.

Shadows and dust.

Maximus, he's going to cast hypnosis.

He steps forward between you and the rest of the group.

He sort of like vibrates his thorax in this hypnotic pulse of sound.

That makes us all feel.

They are all going to have to make a power roll.

So we'll say there's three guys

and all three of them fail.

So they're all charging towards you and he's like,

and they just skid to a halt.

You don't need to see our identification.

Mothman's like, into the ship.

And he runs up and he slams his hand against the side of the ship and recognizing the sensual touch of Mothman, the ship's loading ramp falls down and you're able to scurry onto the the ship if you would like to.

I feel like I'm more of a scamper than a scurry.

You're going to scamper instead of scurry.

That's fine.

That's fair.

That's fair.

I'll scamper.

As you're running up, you turn around, you fire two blaster shots into the hangar behind you.

Okay, so you've all alighted onto Mothman's ship.

Mothman, we're home.

Jesus Christ.

Blake and Francis and Kelsey and Trudy and the Moth and Laika and Mothman all bound onto this ship.

Punch it, Mothman.

I'll play chess in the galley.

So, of course, as you're doing that, this horde of scientists are beginning to scurry out of the vent.

Oh, we should have have scurry.

We should have put a thing in front of the vent.

Yeah, could have, should have, would have, but you didn't.

They all run out, and now they are all en masse as a group going to run towards the gate and try to push it shut.

As they are doing that, Mothman charges through the ship.

He's staggering and limping, and he comes to this sort of like central shaft, like a central door, and he punches in this code on the door.

It's like a little secret kind of hand gesture-y code thing on the door, and it slides open, and you see the warp core of Mothman's ship.

It's this pulsing dark crystal that's floating in midair.

It looks exactly like one of those bug zappers.

Yeah, it looks like a big piece.

It's a clean blue.

Look directly at it.

I mean, it's not a big deal.

I don't feel like I've been.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's just a normal light.

No.

No, and look, it hasn't been powered up yet.

I need to boot up the engine so we may escape.

He steps into the room and pounds a button and slams shut with him in there.

And you hear noises as he's beeping and booping.

Lights and systems are starting to come on

and you see outside this throng of scientists and they've managed to jam the motor of this gate and they're now starting to push it back and it's starting to close and

do you have weapons.

Weapons, Mothman, weapons.

Give me spot hidden, Freddy.

33 out of 38.

Ah, there's the weapons.

So you see amid, because again, I think as I described this last time, Mothman, a bit of a pack rat, a bit of a pack moth, not to mix metaphors, has collected junk and trinkets from humankind as he's been there witnessing your rise.

And so you see a pile of old weapons, and amongst them, you find one of those old-timey grenades.

Like one of the pineapple ones?

I feel like it's got to be one of those potato masher grenades.

You're like one of those, like a real Medal of Honor ass grenades.

Oh, like one of those stick grenades.

Yeah, one of the stick grenades.

You find a stick grenade.

German stick grenades.

Look at this stuff.

Isn't it neat?

Mothman is busy powering up the ship.

It's going to take him one round to do that.

Oh, no.

You guys can all have an action to try to stall or stop the people closing the door if you would like to i'm gonna pick up this german stick grenade okay and i mean is there like a port a hole some sort of opening that i can chuck it out of yeah yeah we'll say that um the little moth lands on like a porthole like a little flap in the wall and if you pop that sucker open you'll be able to look out and see all of these guys just desperately pushing that door closed like across the hangar.

It's like a hole where one might fire a gun through or throw a grenade out of of it.

It's like a castle porthole in this ship.

Yes, exactly.

If this was Kingdom Come Deliverance, you'd be dropping a rock out of this thing.

Ah, good engineering.

Now, it is going to be a bit of a throw to get it through this little hole.

And if you fuck this up, it is going to bounce back and land amongst your comrades.

So just bear that in mind.

I have watched much American football and the spiraling technique.

I'm going to try and like lob this thing through it at the people.

Okay, sick.

Give me a throw roll.

Oh,

five out of 20.

Oh,

okay, yeah.

Should I spend one luck to get a super duper success?

Ooh, okay.

Do it.

It's one luck.

One luck.

How much could it cost?

15 luck?

Yeah.

I spend one luck.

All right, Freddy.

So here's how this works.

Each grenade delivers 4d10 to every enemy within three yards, 2d10 to those within six yards, and 1d10 to those within nine yards.

So these fuckers are pretty close together.

Well, it's good that they're all clustered in a perfect circle.

Okay.

Around

like a little tight circle formation.

Give me a

4d10 roll and a 2d10 roll.

And we'll say that covers everybody and I'll tell you how many of them are blown to smithereens.

Oh my gosh, this is bad.

Three, four, fourd 10 is 20.

And then 2d10?

Yeah, give me a 2d10 as well.

11.

11.

Okay.

We're going to say that you outright kill nine of them.

And then we're going to say that you pretty badly maim another three, but there's still technically 11 of them still up and pushing on this door.

Despite how fucking horrific this explosion was, they seem pretty undaunted and like more determined than ever to get this door shut.

The rest of you, is there anything you would like to do?

There's people that are outside the ship that are closing the door.

Yeah, they're pushing this door, and if it shuts, you're going to be trapped in here.

But their ability to push it has definitely been halved.

If their fingers are slippery with something, maybe they can't get a grasp on the door.

But yeah, we can't just go out there.

We might not make it back in.

I'm gonna.

That's true.

I'm gonna look through the little mermaid dingle hopper pile and see if I can find another weapon.

Okay.

What the little mermaid dingle hopper pile?

Yeah, yeah.

I guess first I would like to spot him and see if there's anything else that could possibly.

Okay, I fail.

Hit them from afar.

Yeah, same.

Yeah, I'm spot hidden.

Yeah.

A couple bad rolls.

Ooh, I got a seven.

Sick.

I got a 93.

Nice.

Okay.

What did you find?

Oh my god, it's a butter gun.

This is a long-range weapon shoot sticks of butter.

Here's what we'll say, Eva.

You find like an old-timey lantern that's still filled with oil.

All right.

I load it in to a gun.

An oil gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down, man.

Slow down.

Wait, I should just use this gun.

No, fine.

I get the lantern.

I try to like...

Chuck it.

Chuck it.

Cast it.

Cast it.

Okay, so you're going to throw the...

You're going to throw it.

Okay, great.

Give me a throw roll.

Probably have only five points in throw.

You can use your decks instead if you would like to.

20.

I have a 25 dex.

Okay.

Oh.

What you get?

You got to come over here.

You got to.

Did you get a one?

Yes.

Oh, shit.

Whoa.

All right.

You sort of like do a wind-up throw, and this lantern perfectly sails through this narrow opening and flies

and splashes against the wall and now all 11 of the remaining of them are covered in oil.

I'm going to take out one of my many cigarettes, which is not in the naughty pocket.

It's in the good girl pocket.

In the good girl pocket.

Mama Kelsey deserves a little break.

And she pulls and she pulls out.

Come a long way, baby.

She pulls out her cigarette and she lights it and she's going to flick the lighter over there.

Give me a throw roll for that lighter.

I'm going to push.

All right.

I've never pushed.

Okay.

When can you push?

Can you not push?

I'm trying to think of how you would like extra push this roll.

You self-immolate.

I burnt myself.

I go, ah, all right.

Time for the first time.

Well, no, because the whole point of a push is like you push and then it means that like you've exposed yourself to additional risk in case it fails.

So you throw and it fails and it bounces off of the wall and hits you in the face.

Okay.

How are you going to do this again, but better and more dangerously?

That would be my

realizing I'm just nervous because of this intense situation we've been in.

I realize I never should have tried throwing before I take a nice drag off my cigarette stick and calm myself down.

I go,

and he has exposed himself to lung cancer.

Now I'm feeling good.

All right, give me your roll.

Holy shit.

Actually, one worse.

Holy shit.

All right.

In that case,

it bounces off the wall again.

When you cough,

your mouth is open as you're coughing up smoke and the lighter goes in your mouth.

Oh, my God.

So give me a 1d4 burn damage on the inside of your mouth.

I got a four.

Good God.

I have one HP.

Whoa!

Hey, I also have one HP.

It's not so bad.

Okay, I was going to make you do a lock roll to see if you'd choke on it, but I think that's bad enough.

Yeah, I got one.

Okay, so the inside of your mouth is now scorched.

You can barely talk, and you spit a lighter onto the ground.

One more try.

So now you've all gone, right?

Mothman is trying to start this thing back there like a lawnmower, and like it's starting to go.

It's like

very, very high.

The ship seems to be sputtering to life, but you see these guys pushing the door tighter and tighter.

It's getting closer and closer to closing.

The gap is narrowing.

Your hope is fading before your eyes.

Then you hear it.

The roar of a diesel truck engine as a army transport comes bounding through a gate on the other side.

You see, like a barbed wire fence just gets torn through by this big truck.

And the driver weaves through and manages to slam into that gate downshift and push it back against the force of the people pushing it.

The engine is groaning and spluttering, but he manages to knock them off their feet and slam the gate back open.

And the engine bursts into flames.

And you see, panting for breath in that seat, Tony Colette, war hero/slash spy, holding onto the thing.

And he looks up at you through the slit and he sees you like the one he recognizes as the guy.

And he says, I'll hold him off as long as I can.

And he pops out of the seat with a machine gun of his own and starts opening fire on the scientists.

And right then, at that very moment, Mothman.

He actually was a good teammate.

Mothman.

That's a different truth.

Who knows, Trudy?

I don't know.

Mothman manages to fire up the engine.

The whole ship thrums to life.

The door of the engine room swings open again.

Mothman pushes past all of you and mashes a button on the console.

And the ship takes off and blasts out of the facility.

Kelsey runs to the back window, like those old cars that seats facing backwards.

And I'm like, I'm like, I was see.

And yes, we see Tony Collette, war hero, pumping round after round from this machine gun as scientists now are pouring in from every nook and cranny of this facility and closing in and he realizes that he's not long for this world one last riot for tony collet as his gun clicks empty he throws it to the side lights up a sig of his own takes a drag be careful

the ball goes in his mouth he throws the lighter

He got a 14

and you see this lighter land on the nine dead guys who go up in flames and then it creates this barrier between him and the rest of the scientists and they're all screeching and he pulls out a pistol and he starts firing.

You're like fucking saving Private Ryan as you make your heroic escape.

Oh my gosh, he's probably fine.

You're taking off into the sky.

You break through the clouds, and the sun is setting.

And as you break through this cloud layer, you see this curtain of stars come through.

I'm gonna put Laika up to the closest window and also call,

Mom Van, My Van, can we try to fire her into something?

Give me a second.

And you see in Leica's eyes the glint of the stars, and then you see the light in Laika's eyes go out.

I know.

She was a little bit of a star.

You're a good girl.

Good girl.

Good, good girl.

Do you have like a trash shoot or something?

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

If you're not satisfied, maybe the answer is more content.

More of us being goofs, hanging out, having a laugh.

The fun's all happening over on our Patreon, where we got additional series like our after-show that releases in the weeks in between episodes.

This season is called The Peach Pit.

Here's a little clip for you: Hippie Havoc asks: if you had to stop using two of the vowels while talking or writing, which ones would you stop using and why?

Well, why easily?

Why doesn't count?

Why doesn't count?

If you had to stop using two vowels,

I would stop using O because I'm chaste and pure.

I go, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Entire standalone series like Kingdom Dad Monster, DM'd by Matt, where we play the punishing, freaky board game Kingdom Death Monster, and Matt can claim his mini painting expenses as a tax write-off.

He's got pictures of his work on the Patreon, too.

Support this show directly over at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Ooh, add-free episodes too, by the way.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is RDM?

Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself.

Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Holding Stars by Max and Waller.

Anissa Omran is our content producer.

Ashie Nicolette is our community manager.

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Esther Els is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Shout out to my homies.

Homies like Cozy June, Patrick Duddy, Jackson Leach, Adam Radabo, Nick Aspenson, Lindsay, Mitchell Hunter, Suthyogo Setye, Charles Beekwalder, Amandreus Norman, Yomamut1007, Mellarock, Kate Edie, Kristen Miller, Joshua Grant, Blade McCormick, Shepard, The Rat of Your Dreams, Farpo, and Marcus Selikin.

Support us directly on Patreon, starting at just five bucks a month at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Pick up merch and more at dungeonsandads.com.

Our next episode is July 15th.

We will see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

To this, is added the difference between the two.

The airborne brink dichotomy is kind of an interesting thing to think about because it's like, who is better at rollerblading?

Is it a man in love or is it a dedicated, hardworking asexual?

We get it.

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