S3 Ep. 25 - The Ass Fault Jungle

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

I met a teacher from a corn-filled land who said, Two broken wobbly legs of wood stand in the bathroom over them just as planned.

Half stuck, a bloody tissue lies secured by magnet tip and stethoscope for hand.

Too vast, a sculpted dump truck ass of red, which yet contrives to fool a monstrous thing, a beast that stalks that land through pipes of lead, and through the porcelain throne these words it hears.

My name is Kelsey Gramorous, queen of schemes.

Look on my trap, ye monster, and despair.

Nothing alive remains inside the cage when blasting pistols strike, then we disperse, and golden arches hide our swift escape.

Uh, yeah, Blake, that was me.

I told you that.

Ah, yes, yes, Kelsey.

I'm just going over the plan so I don't forget.

It is easier to remember when things rhyme.

Oh, I love that, Blake.

That's great.

Oh, thank you.

I always tell my students, you know, I actually think they do the ordering of ABC so that it rhymes right.

They've got ABC EFG.

Wait, oh no, I forgot one.

Ah, D, Kelsey.

There is a letter D in there.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, O, P, P rhymes with E.

Kelsey, I don't think that's how the alphabet song goes.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.

Whoa, banner and out.

Guys, now

how many times you've gotten to say that?

What's that?

That's football, right?

Sports Center.

Okay.

Sorry, I was jock sorry.

Dungeons, watch Sports Center.

I'm talking

Dungeons and Daddies.

Nothing in the game.

Not a BDSM podcast.

This season of sports podcast.

No, Matt.

This season.

A Call of Cthulhu podcast.

Welcome to the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast.

About four everyday.

Cultural incredible game against Cthulhu.

About four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

Hey, everybody.

I'm your host, John Madden.

Boom, boom, boom.

Wait, I thought that emerald says boom.

That emerald says it's bam.

Emerald says bam.

It's a subtle difference.

Boom for sports, bam for salt.

For salt.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Blake Lively, the slow-talking, quick-thinking plumber extraordinaire of the group.

This week's Blake Fact.

Since we're taking some time at Mickey D's, I thought I would let y'all know what Blake thinks about when he sees the McDonald's logo, and that is a pair of his mother's breasts.

A pair of his mother's breasts.

Go on.

Yeah, please.

Do you not know about this?

Because it's an M.

It's an M, not a W.

Is this supposed to look like Booba's?

There was like a famous psychologist.

Oh, dude.

Psychologists were always cooking this shit up after the years.

They'd be like, ah, yes, the muzzle complex shall be presented by the logo.

Psychologists are just perverts that are defending their perversion with science.

They go, oh, I think about boobs all the time.

I'll say everybody does.

It's science.com.

A psychologist named Lewis Cheskin advised McDonald's that it should not do away with its breasts.

Yeah.

Should not do away with its Golden Arches logo because they look like Mother McDonald's breasts.

True.

Wow.

Chaskin referred to the arches as Mother McDonald's breasts.

A powerful association if you're replacing.

Mother McDonald.

Big old honking breasts.

It's an M though.

I wonder how she manages to feed the rare.

Is she if you're like standing up and looking down on her and also she's Madonna?

No, it's like in the meme where like the little Pepe frog is looking up and he sees like the shadow of the two titties.

Yeah, but that meme wasn't around in the 50s.

People only saw press in one direction.

That's where people

Heck he was originally one of the McDonald's-led characters.

That's true, Matt.

The angular views of boobs.

You're saying that this worked on Blake Lively.

Work does think of home, makes him think of his mom, makes him want to kill his dad.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

You know what she always says, you can't spell procrastinate without pro.

So, until you become one, get your fucking work done early.

Fucking get your fucking work done.

You may or may not be able to tell that Matt was very irritated that he started this whole, you know what Kelsey always says thing at the very beginning of the series.

A little fact about Kelsey, since we're going to the mommy milkers.

Sorry, McDonald's.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Why Kelsey wants to fuck McDonald's?

Fuck, I'm sorry.

Let's go to McDonald's.

Mommy's

sorry, fuck mom.

Actually, Kelsey has a little problem with her mom.

I mean, with McDonald's,

which is that she loves McDonald's burgers, but she's kind of angry at them.

They've been not as good as they used to be, and she is fighting to get rid of the french fries and go back to the fucking potato chips, which is what they used to serve.

Wait, wait, wait.

And everybody likes them french fries, but she thinks they're just thick, uncrunchy potato chips.

Get those potato chips back.

Wait, they had deep lore.

They used to have potato chips, not french fries?

Well, yeah, no, the psychologist said that because we want to eat the fingernails into our body, we crave the crunchiness of the french fries.

That makes sense.

That's what Gemini told me.

And I don't look past the front paragraph of Google anymore.

That's why the web is dying.

Yeah, it used to be hot dogs and potato chips.

Yes, because we all want to eat the penis.

And also the fingernails.

I think it's why people

say hot dogs and potato chips.

And then in 1949, they started selling fries.

And that's why they went to burgers because we want to eat the penis, but not as much as we want to eat the ass.

I never thought of burgers as the ass.

Yeah, buns.

That's the big man.

Anthony, it's called autism, not ass burgers anymore.

Holy shit.

No, no, you got a shit.

I allow that.

Asperger.

Aspergers.

Holy shit.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid who's doing his best.

And my Francis fact is that your balls cannot explode.

My name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout.

Fun fact about Trudy.

A lot of people kind of like whisper around town, like, oh, you know, Trudy's so pretty, so gorgeous.

You know, I wonder.

Many people are saying this.

Many, many people are saying this.

Yes.

Maybe the prettiest person.

So people are wondering, you know, has she had some work done?

And the answer is no, but she has had some firmware updates.

God, that's great.

Hey, Matt, I liked your firmware update joke, Beth.

Thank you.

Yeah, I liked it too.

Yep, I said it.

I also laughed.

Yeah, Anthony was the only person who laughed, so I don't know why you're looking at me like that.

My name is Will Campos, and I am your coach, calling back to our Sports Center jokes from the beginning of this thing.

My creepy fact for you guys today is that the McDonald's universe has its own Eldritch being.

What?

There's an actual character, Cosmic, C-O-S-M-C, who is like a five-armed alien thing in a robot suit that walked around.

Was an alien that pondered the cosmos and burgers and all that stuff.

It looks like I would have killed this guy in ChexQuest.

So I feel like Cosmic cosmic is part of the uh powers that be he's one of the powers that be and he is after pgville's delicious delicious milkshakes or whatever the bad guys well then i'm letting the world in because this guy looks like he was

and does he also have an edible complex yeah he also wants to his mom yeah okay are y'all ready to call some good things

Normally, I have these like really well put together, in my opinion, little personal recaps, but last episode, you guys were all working as a team for once.

Oh, yeah.

You built a big scarecrow with a dump truck ass to lure the doll maker into the McDonald's bathroom, and you built some booby-trap guns.

The Anderson brothers are with you because they want to help find their mom.

This is all to kill the doll maker, harvest its venom, and save Trudy's son.

So we find you all now on the way to the golden arches.

Some stuff's going to happen.

Oh, no.

On the way to McDonald's, which is over on H Street.

You just get a sense that the vibes are not great in town right now.

I'm not loving it.

Like, people seem nervous.

They seem jittery.

You see a lot of people like boarding up their houses.

A couple of people are furtively like packing their bags as if they're about to vamoose.

Most troubling, when you drive past the sporting goods store where they sell firearms, there's like a big line of people fucking coming in and out.

And it seems like

very rattled right now.

They're probably not getting guns.

They're probably getting soccer balls or something.

I pull over and roll it on the window.

It's a line for the switch to

what are you guys waiting in line for?

What are you talking about?

We're waiting in line for guns.

Wait, you don't want a gun, do you?

I'm getting guns.

I need guns here.

What are you getting guns?

Look at what's going on around town, man.

Look what's going on.

I'm not from around here.

What's going around town?

Where are you from?

Here.

But he just said you're not from here.

He thought you said, yeah.

Thanks, Kelsey.

You saved it.

Sorry.

Here you go.

I'm from Shelbyville.

Shelby?

You're from a different town?

What are you doing in our town?

I was just driving through.

Listen, buddy, but you better keep driving because things have been going wrong around here.

Houses are blowing up.

Houses are burning down.

People are going missing.

Toilets are exploding.

The people of Beachyville have had enough.

And we're hunkering down for the long haul because something horrible has happened in this town.

So you better keep moving, mister.

That's what I see.

Okay, this is a bunch of shit we already know.

Let's bounce.

Oh, can I just, everybody in line?

Yes.

Okay, if you're going to have guns, just so you know, if something comes out of your toilet, shoot it in the eye.

Just feels like people should know.

There's a chance.

There's a chance if this was like a game with like a real like sort of AI system like the new stalker, then like one of these NPCs might just kill this thing.

Also off-screen.

You know what?

You know what?

That's good advice, lady.

If any of you have a positive blood, also just go in a trash bag.

You don't need to go to the toilet from now on.

Yeah, this thing is smelling apositive blood.

So if you got a positive blood,

what are you talking about?

The thing,

Kelsey,

I could help somebody.

If they don't believe me, they don't believe me.

We don't need other.

This thing must come to us.

We don't need other people pulling it together.

Yeah, so stay away from the toilets.

Is what we're telling them.

Nobody in Peachy Bell is allowed to use the toilet for the next two hours.

What are you talking about?

Who are you, people?

The crowd is starting to get angry.

They're pulling out their guns.

We're pulling out.

So now every time period we're in, I'm going to do a D100 roll.

And if it hits a one, then someone else is going to kill the fucking monster.

Yes.

That's great.

That's so good.

We'll do that a little later on.

You get to the golden arches.

Ah, the milkers.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

I am conflicted.

Why?

Because my mother's breasts were not yellow.

That's fair.

It's fair.

I got a good job for Milton.

Yeah, what is it?

Milton,

you're going to order for all of us at McDonald's.

Wow.

You can order anything you want.

Anything I want?

I don't have a credit card because I'm a woman in the 1950s.

So I'm going to give him like $100 in cash.

And I'm going to say,

your goal is to take as long as possible,

order enough food for all of us because we might be hungry after this job right everybody so tell milton what you want and milton you can order yourself whatever you want as much

yeah that sounds great okay that's great just be yourself take as long as possible with them it's now the afternoon it's pretty busy you guys picked a bold time to try to sneak your way into a bathroom to set up a boobie trap no the busier the better yeah these guys clearly aren't afraid of what's going on in peachyville they don't need guns they need calories yeah you see people frantically ordering mcdonald's to take it back home to wait out whatever foul mystery is happening in this town milton is going going to be a little bit more.

I have a question about the 50s.

Yeah.

When did to go become a thing in society?

I mean, I think these were drive-through restaurants.

I think McDonald's was to go from the beginning.

Yeah, that's fair.

You would eat like in your car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was kind of this whole, the automobile as the new sort of couch.

Couch you can drive.

That's what you can drive.

That's what Ford called it.

The new Ford divan.

This baby.

This is a couch that handles like a chase.

You know, like Nintendo was like originally like a bowling and like a playing car company company.

All the original car companies were couch companies

you can't take your couch with you when you leave the house what wait a second say that again

oh also everybody give me a spot hidden role oh oh matt what did you drop just yeah the remote for our big tv

i pass with a 31 okay 93 i failed okay oh i got 56 one second what's my spot hidden 45 i failed oh my spot hidden is 57.

i just passed 56 to 57.

Okay.

The two of you notice because there's like the tables where people are sitting there.

There's the parking lot where people are waiting for the girls and roller skates to come up and give them the hamburgers.

And in the parking lot, you see two cars parked towards the back.

And sitting in one of them is Dr.

Man.

Oh, no.

The bison's Dr.

Man.

And sitting in the other one is Brian Strikes Mitchell, head of the library.

They seem to be having a furtive, clandestine meeting.

Do it that what you will.

They can't be doing that here.

We've got a whole plan to be further and clandestine.

It's like one of those ones.

It's like in the wire where the guys pull up to the cars pull up to each other.

It's like one of those.

I mean, let's just not let them see us.

Are you going to tell us?

Oh, I don't know.

Are we?

Judy, what do you think?

Sure.

All right.

You want to do it?

No.

Okay.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody, let's hit up.

What the fuck?

What is happening?

Are we?

They're about to tell us something.

Me and Judy got something to tell you.

I think we could be dating also.

I don't know.

The energy is insane.

It's not a big deal.

I don't know why this turned into a thing.

I just said, y'all take a look out your right window.

It started off so simple, and then now it's complicated.

And now it's weird.

Look outside the right window, but don't make too much noise.

Like, just carefully.

Just carefully look.

I'm not a sex avery wolf.

But you might be surprised or worried.

To the right of us is Brian and Dr.

Mann.

Oh, Brunhilda, how do we feel about maybe going over there and killing them?

Well, I think that would make a lot of noise.

And I think we can just chill here till they leave.

Because how long could a meeting possibly be?

I don't know.

Have you worked in corporate America?

I want to ask Brunhilda, how would she feel about me going over, putting my leg up on their window and pulling the trigger?

I mean, if you wanted to do this, we could talk about it.

But this would count as your free automatic success because this is a kill for you.

This isn't your free night.

No, Francis.

This is really like if it's date night and you want to go to the movies and then you say, well, this is a movie.

Why don't this be your date?

This is your date.

This is your kill.

The next kill, that's your kill.

Okay?

And then I get some fun after.

This sounds like some things you want to do that you want to convince me to do.

Not something that I want to do.

I'm sick of not getting to do things that I want to do.

I want to kill an innocent person.

Those aren't innocent people.

Look at them.

Look at them.

You know what they're doing, yeah?

Oh, they're driving.

I just don't.

I don't appreciate it.

I asked a question.

Well, the answer is nine.

Well, now I get it.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Some women.

Francis, if we keep driving, the angle would be just right to get two headshots.

Kelsey's going to close the curtains of the doormobile so that they can't see inside because nobody's seen that we have this car.

They haven't.

I mean, the guys that you jumped at the...

Yeah, but not Brian.

And you don't think they talk?

They probably don't talk.

You're right.

They're men.

Everybody's got a doormobile nowadays.

You see a British?

Hey, British-made car.

Yeah.

Everybody's got this British car.

We pull around to the other side of the building.

And we're just

we put the scarecrow in the driver's seat and we drive by and they think

and they're like, oh, that's just a guy.

Are we getting distracted perhaps from our original plan?

That's true, Blake.

I'm sorry.

I think we learned some information, which is Brian and Dr.

Mann are working together.

But we kind of knew that.

We knew that.

Yeah.

Can we just wait five minutes to see if they leave?

Absolutely wait.

Let's wait.

Let's wait.

Let's wait.

While you're waiting, BB's like staring at them and she's got like her little binoculars on.

She's like, boy, it seems like whatever they're talking about is pretty interesting.

Can you read lips, BB?

I wish I could.

But like, maybe if someone snuck over there, they'd learn something interesting.

I can sneak.

I'm good at sneaking.

Okay.

You want to give me a stealth roll to sneak over there?

I do.

My stealth is 90, to remind you.

That's right.

I want everybody, while Frances is doing this, be ready if we have to, to go as fast as we can to do the plan.

I rolled a 92.

I'm going to spend two luck.

Yay, luck.

Obscene.

All right.

I now have 77 luck left.

That's a lot of luck.

I've not been using it.

I have 15 luck.

I have 33.

Well, we shouldn't go to a casino.

Man, that'd be a bad place to go with the luck we got.

We'd have to call it lost wages.

As you creep up to the van, quiet as a church mouse, Anthony, you hear the following conversation.

Dr.

Man's voice is, as you all remember, quite low compared to Brian's.

So that's going to be how you're going to differentiate the two of them.

And occasionally, Brian is going to say doc a little bit so that you'll be like, ah, that's the one that's not the doc.

Okay.

I've got the bait.

Is our team prep for the ambush?

Sorry, doc.

Change of plans.

The screams are on the move.

The witch still has eyes on problem child.

We tracked his cliff into the sewers.

It's moving fast.

Right towards the dollmaker's lair.

We're thinking it's a head-on assault.

You're joking.

What could they possibly gain from that?

What else?

The third key.

Somehow they must have caught wind that the dollmaker ate the containment director when she busted loose from captivity.

And since the directors always keep their key on their person, I get the picture.

If the screams get that key, we're screwed.

The country's screwed.

The world's screwed, and the universe is screwed.

So put on your galoshes, Doc, we're headed to the sewer.

No, I still don't buy it.

An all-out assault on an Omega-class entity, even they aren't that stupid.

Stupid?

Are we talking about the same people here?

The people that stopped us at the bunker?

That wiped out research and killed Director Trout?

That raided the archives and took out half my team?

Wake up and smell the shit we're in.

These people have taken us apart piece by piece by piece and they've only been at at it a week.

No, doctor, the guttural screams are many things.

Dangerous, subversive, perverted.

But one thing they are absolutely not is stupid.

Yay!

Yay!

Hard cut to be back in the bus.

I couldn't understand a word they said.

Okay.

Their voices sounded so stupid.

I didn't even know who was talking.

I knew who.

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all right so they drive off it's still pretty busy milton is gonna go up and order a ginormous order of food we'll call this a fast talk roll since milton is bluffing up ironically since he's trying to move slow

What it seems odd that we went to, now that Milton's ordering food, I'm saying there's other bathrooms.

Like he's like Donald to get to the library and the bully alleys across the street.

I agree, we wanted to get food, too.

Okay, you're right, you're right.

Yes, Milton that's taken my order.

What are you saying?

I don't know.

I'm just like worried about getting nervous about how busy this restaurant is.

You really want to find an omega-level entity and then not have lunch?

How do you know it's an omega-level entity?

I heard some words.

Oh, so Milton has a 20 in Fast Talk.

He's not very good at it.

That's fine.

He just has to order.

So he goes to.

Yeah, you don't need Fast Talk to walk to a bigger one.

He walks up and he's like, hey, can I get a.

and he rolled a 17.

So he played, he's like, uh,

one cheeseburger with fries.

Uh,

one cheeseburger.

Milton's doing great.

All right, team, go, go, go, go.

That's going on.

The McDonald's service team is distracted by Milton.

Yes.

Man, those guys deserve to make a living wage.

First question: boy bathroom, grow bathroom.

Boy bathroom.

Okay.

It's blank.

It's boy bathroom.

That's right.

No.

We should go to the girl bathroom because the boy bathroom may only have like one toilet and then urinals.

The girl bathroom will not have any urinals.

I like that idea.

And the girl bathroom might have more space because there's not the urinals there.

And we might need some extra space for this cage to go in.

But if it's the equal amount of space, urinals take up less space.

Therefore, there might be more open space in the men's bathroom.

You know what?

That's a good point.

Why don't we just click our heads?

You peak in the men's, you peak in the ladies.

And we'll compare notes.

I'm excited because I've never been in a men's bathroom before.

Judy, it's quite the adventure.

It's really not.

What would you know?

Have you been in a girls' bathroom?

No, the men's bathroom.

I know, but you've never heard the girls' one.

No.

So maybe in comparison, it's quite the adventure.

Man, that'd be so depressing for you guys.

Francis, yes, you see, the men's bathroom has two stalls and three urinals.

We'll say two stalls and two urinals.

Three urinals.

I've never seen a McDonald's bathroom with three urinals.

Three urinals?

What the hell are you

The ladies' bathroom has three stalls and whatever other stuff is in there, Beth.

What else is in there?

Well, unlike the men's bathroom, we have a sink.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

They've got three bathroom stalls, a sink,

and a mirror.

Maybe we should do the boys' bathroom just in case.

We don't want the creature like accidentally coming out of the sink or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or the wrong toilet.

Or the wrong toilet.

Yeah.

And it won't fit through a urinal.

Yeah.

Yes.

Women don't poop.

Well, no, but yeah, you're right.

Women do.

Okay, so you guys are in the bathroom.

Sven, Tor, set it up.

Okay.

There are, we'll say, I'm going to do a dice.

So I'm going to go to the next one.

What the fuck, Kelsey?

She's ribbing ears.

It's a sign of endearment.

I'll show you one of the guys.

All right, there are currently three guys in the bathroom.

Two of them are at the urinals.

One of them is in one of the stalls.

Well, the two we can wait out.

Yeah.

Okay.

Not a lot going on.

All right, once you guys are done, we got to clean up in here.

Okay, we'll call that a persuade roll.

19.

All right, great.

The two guys leave.

The guy in the toilet on the stall is like, sorry, oh, just give me a second.

I just got to wash it.

Don't hurt yourself.

Just do what you got to do.

Just go as fast as you can.

Oh, he's all flustered because now there's like a lady in the bathroom.

So he just sort of flushes like, you see him just kind of hurry his way out.

He's doing it.

Oh, wash your hands.

He's doing what you're doing.

Wash your hands.

We don't have a sink in here.

We don't need to wash your your hands.

Go to the women's bathroom and wash your hands.

Okay.

So he sort of duck waddles into the women's bathroom.

You hear screaming, and then he runs out.

All right, you have the bathroom to yourself.

Sven and Tor, yes, assemble

the cage over one of the toilets.

Yes.

Are you guys doing anything to keep people from coming in here?

Oh, out of order sign.

Out of order sign.

Okay.

Oh, and then I...

I don't want to do it, but I guess I will because we don't have a sink or sink in Anglo.

There's no sink in here.

Beth owned me pretty hard, so that's.

Okay, fine.

Kelsey quickly scoops water out of one of the toilets after it's been flushing her hands and kind of like splashes it under the door.

I could have asked one of the clerks for water.

Like, oh, water.

We're already in here, Francis.

Let's get this going.

That way, you see, I've already seen like water coming up from underneath the door.

So people even more will be like, oh, I get there's some sort of like leak or something.

Matt is putting so much effort into making sure that this goes free.

He put his whole heart into this fucking scarecrow thing.

If it fails, he knows it's going to reflect entirely upon him and his own competence.

We're a whole team.

We're a whole team.

We all agree this.

We all agree to do this.

It's time to set up your booby traps.

So paint the picture for me.

All right.

So we have like a tree of guns.

Yeah.

Oh, we should put the scarecrow in and stuff first so that we know where the guns are pointing.

Okay.

So the scarecrow's in there.

Is the scarecrow in the cage?

Yes.

Well, I guess it could be right outside of the cage, huh?

The point was the scarecrow is squatting over the toilet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want it to bite the scarecrow.

So it's going to be in the case.

It should be in the cage.

Okay.

So you've built this cage around the toilet.

No, I've kind of grown fond of it.

Hopefully they'll shoot it before anything happens.

Hopefully they'll just bite his butt.

That's true.

That's what the butt was made for.

Got to let it it do his job.

And so we're gonna put the scarecrow in.

I'm gonna open up the bag of Black's blood.

No, not yet.

Not before we set up.

Create an array of weapons, all the weapons we have available to us.

Stay as far away from the toilet as possible.

But like in fucking Kage Musha, we like put like weights on the other, like little bags of sand on the other end of the guns to like counterbalance the weights if we get them aimed right where we want them to be.

The stocks are like resting on the metal rungs of the cage.

So they're kind of basically standing up and a little bit balanced.

Interesting.

You're going to take Brunhilda off, right?

No, I'm keeping Brunhilda on me as a last-ditch effort.

Oh, she's the primary shot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're going to be kind of like outside the cage, like kind of laying down with a gun pointed.

Yeah, I'm going to be hanging out where there should be a sink, sort of just waiting for something bad to happen.

And I'm going to raise my leg like Rosemary Allen.

Blake should hold you over his shoulder like a fireman hold.

You know what I mean?

Like,

you're like a bazooka.

No, that's good.

Or Blake.

And Blake is like, if we got to run, we can run.

Yeah, I can run.

I will shoulder the child.

And you can be holding the string to pull the triggers, and he's focused on Brunhilde.

Okay.

Yeah, you want to fire my leg?

So Blake is carrying Francis.

Like a bazooka.

Like a bazooka, like with his legs sticking out.

That's correct.

And like his face is hanging over your back.

Yeah, you know the way Macha Man raises up Elizabeth after he wins and makes her his wife?

Like that.

Great.

So that's happening with Francis.

Francis is also holding the string that all of these guns are rigged up to.

Yes.

And he's turned his head to be able to get a good clear line of sight to the toilet.

Okay.

So here's the first thing we're going to do.

I feel like this is two roles to successfully rig this thing up.

So dexterity is going to be like how handy you are at putting it together.

The intelligence role is going to be rigging it up to succeed.

I'll do intelligence.

My intelligence is 65 and I rolled a 66.

So all the clones are killing all the Jedi.

And I spend one point of luck.

Okay, great.

All right.

So that can do the build roll.

I have a dex of 75.

Okay.

Oh, that first one's a 336.

That's a super success.

Yes, it is.

I'm going to actually spend one luck to make it a super success.

The intelligence roll is going to count for the aim of the guns.

The dexterity roll is going to count for the damage of the guns.

So, basically, because you got a super success, you get to roll your gunshots with advantage.

Very good.

Okay.

And the intelligence role is just normal.

Normal.

So the attack roll is going to be a normal.

This is for the trap part.

This is for the trap.

Brunhild is own thing.

Yes, and Brunhild is her own thing.

It's going to be so funny if just we just sit here for an hour and this thing never comes out.

Like ice fishing.

It is.

It is ice fishing at this point.

So the trap is set.

I put the blood on the tissue paper on the scarecrow's butt.

Sounds like an adventure game.

It really is an adventure game, ass.

We're going to do a group luck roll, which means the person with the lowest luck is going to roll.

I have a 31 or 37.

I have 15.

I have 33.

Okay.

Why are we rolling a lot?

Tell me what you roll.

I got 99.

99!

Man!

I've done so much work.

Don't worry.

It's not that bad.

It's not that bad.

What happens is you hear footsteps coming around the corner and then you hear a voice go out of order.

What the?

And then you hear like, bang, bang, bang.

Who's in there right now?

This is the manager.

There's shit all over the floor.

You don't want to come in.

I have to clean my restaurant.

And he pushes his way in.

And Ronald, the manager of this McDonald's, steps inside and slits in.

Hey, this is my business.

Take it away, Beth.

You guys can't be shitting in my business.

You have it.

Oh, shit.

We're plumbers.

Ronald, you see a cage.

With a bunch of guns rigged up over the toilet, a big guy carrying a teenager with a gun rifle for a leg, and two women in here.

How come there's no sink in here?

What do you guys do?

I know why there's no sink in here because you're trying to run a business, and it's hard running a business into this economy.

That's why I'm going to make you a little offer.

I'm putting another hundred dollar bill.

And I go, You just forget what you see for the next 10 minutes and go buy yourself a nice sink for your men's bathroom, which you should have.

Well, well, well, also, Milton, the boy, there's a boy that's ordering a lot of food.

That's us, so we are customers.

You mean that guy?

That guy who's been taking 45 minutes to, yeah, but I mean, and he just keeps saying cheeseburger.

I mean, he wants a lot of cheeseburgers.

He wants a lot of cheeseburgers.

Well, if you put a number in front of the cheeseburger, maybe I could do something with that.

You know what?

You could go back there and just tally each one on a piece of it.

Oh, that's creating a lot of work for me.

Hey, manager.

I don't know how to count that high.

All right.

Well, you know how to count to 100, right?

Here's what we're going to do.

Matt, first give me a credit rating.

Yeah, I technically only have $80 left.

Okay, credit rating roll.

Borrow 20.

I'm saying, you know, I've gotten to 100 as I'm waving $80.

I feel the credit rating roll.

Okay, the amount of cash you flash to Ronald, the businessman, is not impressive to him.

So now give me a fast talk roll or a persuade roll, your choice with disadvantage.

Um, five on persuade.

Wow,

okay.

With disadvantage?

Oh, shut up.

You fuck.

Oh, 53.

And my persuade It's 55.

Oh, so you got a 53?

Yes.

All right.

Technically, you have a 55.

Oh, you're right.

That's the disadvantage.

So I'm rolling a D100 instead of 210.

So, yes, 55, I guess.

Ronald, this bribe's looking pretty good to you.

Well, well, well,

just keep it quiet in here.

And remember, no number twos.

I really can't afford anything like that happening again.

Is that why you don't have a...

You know what?

That's fine.

You're good.

No, you had a question for me.

I'm here.

No, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

Nobody else shit.

No, no, no number twos.

Okay.

It was a big day for you, Serenie.

How many men walk into a bathroom and come out $80 richer?

You know what?

You're right, little lady.

I don't think you want to know the answer to that question.

There's a reason there's two skulls in this bathroom.

Ah, look, we can attach something to this hole.

And with that, Ronald leaves.

And now it seems like the coast is clear because Ronald's looking out for you.

Time to bleed, baby.

All right, time to bleed.

Like, with the carefulness of somebody like setting a bomb.

Everybody ready?

Yes.

Yeah.

We're all safe.

We're all here.

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to get this bag of like split.

I'm going to reach into the cage and very quickly pour some of it into the toilet and then a bunch of it on the tissue paper.

And then throw the plastic bag that it was all in, just drop it on the floor.

And I just run to hide as far into the corner of the bathroom as I can.

And Milton brings us some cheeseburgers

like a steak out.

Yeah, I have a pair of binoculars.

They're all just

eating burgers in the McDonald's bathroom.

Should we take shit?

Oops, I dropped a fry.

So the first thing I did is I did my lock roll and I got a 72.

So NBC does not kill the dog while this is happening.

Oh, good.

That would have been

the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of the podcast.

I'm going to roll a D10, and that's going to be how many hours it takes for this thing to show up.

All right.

So after four hours in the bathroom.

Good thing I ordered four burgers.

Well, no, I'm full after one, but an hour later, I'm ready.

Oh, man.

You might have hypoglycemia.

Oh.

Oh, no.

What is that?

It's a blood sugar thing.

You might want to go to a doctor about it.

Okay.

So blood sugar sex magic thing.

Oh.

After four hours of tense waiting, what do you guys do to occupy their time?

Are you doing shit?

We're talking.

Yeah, we're talking.

Yeah, we're talking.

After about 20 minutes of nothing happening, it's like, does anybody know any games?

We play I spy.

I spy.

Ah, okay.

Okay.

How does that work?

Spy something white.

Is it a toilet?

Oh, truth.

I play ice spy.

I spy's a dumb game.

Never mind.

Let me regale you with stories of war.

Oh, okay.

And they were not that good.

Like, a lot of them are like, we went to this place.

We had to shoot a bunch of guys.

We did.

Oh,

such a natural storyteller.

Thank you, Kelsey.

Everybody give me a spot hidden with disadvantage because you guys were distracted by his boring war stories.

51 out of 57.

I fail.

I got a 79.

46 out of 38.

I'm too busy telling great war stories.

40 out of 25.

Give me like the little bit of the story, like the most boring story you've told yet.

Well, you see, I was wanting to trade my rations with my co-soldier, but he did not wish to trade the rations with me.

And I told him, but I have the better ones and you prefer the spaghetti.

Oh.

Yes.

And even then, he did not.

He eventually died.

His name, Private Ryan.

While that's going on, Kelsey, you, out of the corner of your eye, notice like a little like minority report style air bubble coming up from that toilet.

Do you mean like, remember when Tom Cruise releases that one air bubble?

It's like one of those, you just hear a little boop, gutter all scream.

I think it's time.

Oh, ready?

So you see like a boop.

Get ready, Francis.

And there's like, I was born ready.

You hear like a little groan as a pipe sort of starts to stretch and expand.

You feel something shimmering around under there.

And now,

monster is going to get to make a roll for whether it falls for your trap.

What is it rolling?

It is going to roll.

Sanity, because this is the craziest thing it's ever seen.

Let me pull up up its thing we're going to give it an intelligence roll we'll say that and as you know this is the apex predator of the planet of lanulos so it's pretty smart do they have a lot of toilets and man-sized cages and pistols and manulos i mean sharks are are smart but you know they'll still go for the chum

cake out of 91.

yes

so yeah you see the dumb remember svenantor telling you that this thing was like a um chameleon right like it has sort of an adaptive camouflage so you just feels like when you're looking at the toilet it's just shimmering almost like there's something invisible under the water emerging out of it.

It's like a little writhing appendage inches its way out.

And as it pushes its way through the toilet, it seems to expand.

Like it starts out like maybe the size of a snake sneaking through this drain.

And then it just sort of almost like it inflates, like it just stretches out and reaches up towards that toilet paper.

And you see it like slapping and grappling around, and then it grabs it.

And then it sort of like slithers back down for one moment.

And then for just a moment,

there's just silence.

Oh no, it's just a matter of time.

It's gotta come back.

Boom!

The toilet explodes.

There's a geyser of water.

There's like this cavernous hole in the ground, straight where this pipe used to be.

And you hear thuds and thuds and water dripping and showering.

As you, again, you get the impressions of this sort of semi-invisible, translucent monster underneath this thing.

Shooter!

Shooter!

Yeah, Francis Yanks on the.

I assume I can discern something akin to an eye.

I mean, can I?

You do not see an eye yet.

I will see.

It's emerging from the.

It's like the size of this table, like a dining room table.

Like this seems to be pushing its way out of impossibly this rather small hole.

More and more of this thing is coming out.

That's a bear?

Like a bear, but like it's growing.

A small bear growing into a big bear in terms of its size.

We only have a second.

It's going going to fit inside the cage and then it's going to go through one of the holes of the cage.

More than that, the impression you get of it is you see.

Did you name the dummy?

Oh, I guess we didn't.

Oh, probably better that one is.

You see the dummy slam up against the wall as it's sort of being pushed through the bars by the increasing size of this thing.

The metal of the cage itself begins to buckle and stretch as you realize this is more than a man-sized monster in a man-sized cage.

While that's happening, you hear a sharp puncture wound stabbing into this thing over and over and over again like just a

and then it finds purchase in that hole that you were talking about it finds purchase in the um what

the bouncy ball that hole you've been talking about you know

it finds purchase in that bouncy ball and sort of pops through it you see feel like a sort of pulsing and a writhing give me a listen rule no i failed 34 i fail I fail.

Okay, then yeah, you don't know what it's doing with it, but I don't know what it's doing with it.

Whatever it's doing, its sort of frenzy of animation stops for a second.

You can sense its weight rearing back, and then sure enough, from like impossibly high up atop this thing, you see its sort of translucent camouflaged skin open and an apparatus of some kind, some sort of fleshy circular eye mouth.

It's an eye.

It's actually, it's an appendage that senses things in a way that no, you've never seen before.

So it could be an eye, could be, but whatever it is, this is how it senses the world around around it.

I mean, it really is up to you.

But fleshy, unlike everything else, which is kind of like non-Euclidean and it looks like you can shoot it.

Yeah.

I yank the fucking

ropes.

Before you do that, who all is looking at the eye?

I'm definitely looking at it.

I think I'm looking at the eye.

Everybody looking at the eye, give me a willpower roll.

Oh, God.

Powell.

Power.

Oh.

Man,

I failed.

I failed.

I feel bad.

26.

Super successful.

Oh, good, because you got the best gun.

I succeed.

You succeed?

32.

The two of you, as you're staring at this thing, you remember Tor talking about this horrible, horrible eye that he saw.

And he didn't know if it was an eye or a mouth, but he was mesmerized by it.

It seemed to just be almost like fractaline in its depth.

Like it seemed like it was deeper than could be coming from within this thing.

And you're lost by its swirling, mesmerizing beauty.

And you find yourself entranced and unable to act for three rounds.

Oh, so I've seen a kaleidoscope before.

I'm very happy that we put you on the shoulder.

That was a smart move.

That was a smart play.

You get a surprise round on this thing.

So here's how we're going to do this.

You guys built a gun, you and Francis.

There's six guns in here

pointed at this thing.

Oh, and you told me to write it down.

What happened was, is that you had them both roll for the trap.

Yeah.

The aiming was fine because Anthony did a good roll.

And then the damage had an advantage.

Yes.

Yes, because Blake did such a good job.

He has advantage on the damage of these guns.

Which is a dex roll.

Because this thing is just in a random point point in space.

We're gonna do a luck roll to see if any of the guns hit it.

So, who the two of you has the lower luck?

It's definitely gonna be you.

I have 70-something luck, Jesus, Blake.

Give me a luck roll: 26.

Very good, very good, very good.

Who did the dexterity roll?

I did the original dex roll.

Oh, roll again.

I don't even care.

Give me a D6 roll.

This is how many of the guns hit it in the eye.

Six!

Six, baby.

Oh, six, motherfucker.

Jesus.

We built that cage so good.

We built this cage.

We built this cage.

We built this cage on Kelsey's orders.

All right.

In that case,

it feels like though you'd say in a court.

It was like, we did this on Kelsey's orders.

Kelsey Scott.

All right.

A good gun plan.

So here were the guns, I believe.

Kelsey's shotgun,

Trudy's Desert Eagle,

your Colt 1911.

Yep.

And then three snub-nose revolvers from the Anderson gang and Dr.

Dog.

Dr.

Dog, we bought Dr.

Dog's gun.

We left a little IOU note.

So I'm going to assign it.

I'm going to need you to do roll some damage.

Well, this hot hands ready to go.

Remember,

you've got advantage on this.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Let's start with the shotgun.

Yeah.

What?

What?

I cannot believe it.

What's that?

What do you want, baby?

The shotgun roll.

This is a 12-gauge shotgun.

Yes, it is.

4d6.

4d6?

That's 18 damage.

Woo!

Woo!

The next gun is Trudy's Desert Eagle, which is going to do 1d10.

Oh, Trudy, look, your gun's going next.

1d6

plus 3.

Why did that make you laugh so much?

Oh, no!

With advantage.

It's like watching a neighborhood fireworks show.

Oh, my God.

Did you see that gun go?

Trudy's gun does 17 damage.

Next is your Colt 1911.

Come on, America.

Come on, Samuel Colt.

All right, that's a 1d10 plus 2.

That's 11 damage.

And then three snub-nose revolvers.

So they got an 8 times 3 is 24 plus 24.

That is.

Math Keeper, what do we got?

How much damage?

Double O 7, but 1-0, and the O is after the 7, so 70.

I just had a stroke.

You gave me a stroke.

70.

70 damage.

So yes, in this cacophony of gunfire, just this deafening six-gun salute.

Do not.

Six guns go off.

The eye of this thing explodes.

You see this monster stretch out before it even knew what happened.

It just groans and sways and buckles and topples over.

And as it falls, it knocks the man-sized cage over with it.

The cage.

You see, as it's

every series,

as it grows cold, its camouflage sort of fades, and you see the actual horrifying sight of this thing.

Ew.

It looks basically like a big old caterpillar.

Oh, like

it looks actually kind of benign.

You hear its groaning death rattle.

It's like bound

As it shudders its last sort of breath.

Trudy, because you have its venom in a sort of reverse form in your own head.

You can kind of pick up the psychic vibrations of this thing.

And you feel all of its fear and its confusion.

You feel the long, long, long journey it had to come here to this.

Good luck making us feel bad for this fucking thing.

This toilet monster.

And you sense there's fear, but it's mixed with relief.

Not relief, but a sort of resignation, a bittersweet resignation, as you realize what it was trying to do.

It was trying to escape this world.

It was trying to flee from this world before the horrible thing that it knows is going to happen happens.

You sense it reaching out into the darkness and it finds you.

And it can't help but sense a kind of kinship with you.

It almost recognizes you as one of the many things that's infected.

And you feel this message as it reaches out to you with its dying breath and it says, Run!

And then it dies.

You now have a big, dead, yucky bug in this fucking place.

Oh, well, we need to explore.

We need to get the venom.

And that's it.

Nothing else is here.

Francis, did you hear anything useful from that?

No, remember?

Oh, when I was at the car.

No, he didn't.

He said he didn't.

I mean, we should just take the whole body to Dr.

Doggs and do a full autopsy and find out where the venom is.

That's a, you know what?

Smart.

Thanks.

I gently set Francis down.

Good work, Francis.

Hey, thanks.

You too.

We built that together.

Yes, we did.

Good job, bro.

Hey, team.

Yeah, sorry, Brunhilde.

You don't get your freebie today.

I think it's been a long time since we've had a win.

A little ghetto scream.

Trudy, you want to lead us on a cheer?

The ghetto scream cheer?

Yeah, the one we always do.

Okay.

I do not know this.

I will try it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you're part of the team.

All right, ready?

Yep.

Yes.

One, two, three.

Okay.

What are you doing?

You're dragging this thing out of here?

Yep.

Your bladder that punctured this thing, you see that it is in fact filled with a sort of like

viscous liquid.

Yep, Taurus Van, grab the scarecrow.

Make sure you don't spill the liquid in the bouncy ball.

You got it, Miss Gramer.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Everybody, get your guns back, please.

And then everybody get your guns.

Pick up your guns.

Like redistributes the guns to the group.

And then the rest of us can carry this caterpillar thing into the car.

Let's just get this head back to Dr.

Dog.

She'll love to see us again.

I believe we owe her some money.

We might want to rob a bank or something on the way.

There's a McDonald's we can rob.

It's here.

Yeah, somebody's going to be.

We come out with six guns right to the tilling.

Everybody get down on the ground.

No, that's not.

There's no way I'm getting down on the ground.

All right, so you emerge from the bathroom.

Let's not rob the place, please.

Are you like covering this caterpillar and anything?

No, they shot a bunch of guns.

Like, at this point, I'm getting hurt.

Yeah.

Like, the worst thing.

If we come out, they should be like, I don't think I should mess with those.

Okay, so you emerge from the bathroom carrying this massive, sort of like table-sized alien insectoid creature, dead, oozing blood.

Oh my god, one of you should go to the hospital.

What was your name again?

Ronald!

Ronald is not there.

You come out of your bathroom.

Huh?

Continue, continue.

You come out of the bathroom, kind of expecting pandemonium at the McDonald's because a ton of gunshots come off.

You're expecting people to be freaking out by this thing.

And you come out carrying this thing, and it's empty.

There's no one here.

You look across the street.

It's like one of those classic fucking bad news on the TV and everyone's fucking at the TV store.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Actually, a buddy bets bets by TVs.

You know, there's a bunch of TVs in the window, and there's a whole fucking crowd of people packed around this window.

People are glued to these televisions across the street.

Too many people are glued to their televisions these days.

Okay, well, let's get this in the car.

And should we see what's...

The TV is distracting them.

We move ahead and very quickly put this alien monster into the car.

We want to put the alien monster and scarecrow in the car first.

Okay, great.

And then should we figure out...

I mean, yeah, I feel weird if we're the only people in town that don't know what's going on.

You approach the window, you see that again, there's nervous murmuring and commotion as you move your way through.

You see on the TV a sort of harried Edward R.

Murrow-looking-ass news guy saying, This is a tremendous day for humanity, a day that won't live in infamy but will live on in history as the day that humanity made extraterrestrial contact.

We go now live to the Russian town of Persikovograd, where

agents of the KGB and Russian government officials released this footage just now.

I warn the viewing audience at home to prepare themselves for a truly shocking sight.

And it cuts to the Russian news conference.

You see two top brass generals, you see like a bunch of press wrapped around, and you see two things that knock you flat on your ass.

One, you see like these sort of like guys in military uniforms, you see KGB officials, a couple of dudes in lab coats.

Among them, you can just make out the the sunburned face of Relish Wet.

The person addressing the camera in Russian is speaking you can't quite understand, but then they motion.

You see the camera turn.

There's a big commotion in the crowd as Relish Wet and another man bring forth Machman in chains.

Oh no!

Moth Jesus!

We now settle on a car full of people asking really interesting, germane questions to the plot in character as they listen to a radio report that is like...

And yes, as we have reported many times this evening and now report again, incredible news out of the Soviet Union where an alien and its spaceship has been apprehended, apparently, by its spaceship!

The Soviet Union.

Excuse me, I'm talking.

Oh.

What?

Oh.

Oh, what?

Well, let's just turn on the radio.

This is a little too spooky for me.

I always say, once the radio starts talking back to you, don't turn it down.

Stop drinking.

Oh, I'm turning it down.

Oh, God.

I'm turning it down.

I'm turning it down.

We haven't heard anything.

You weren't hearing that?

No.

You just kept responding to something saying, oh, the radio is scary right now, and you were just talking to nothing.

Trudy was weird.

Yes, I did.

I don't know.

I guess it's a woman thing.

Oh, gosh.

Wow.

The radio is talking to just women.

Trudy, we have to tell the other women around town.

Wait, wait, wait, did Bibi hear it?

I don't think he did.

Did you hear radio rigs just now?

Where are you?

You're hearing me.

Bibi, I did not teach you.

I didn't realize you had grown into a woman already.

Wait a minute.

Francis, where are you implying that you can hear magic radio signals after you've had your period for the first time?

Frances, this is just between us girls right now.

I have a question for the men.

Yes.

Yes.

Do you know who Radio Rick is?

No, I never heard of him.

What were you hearing?

I just heard static on the radio.

That's so weird.

What were you guys doing?

Miss Grammer, I was kind of like, why are they just listening to static on the radio?

That's so strange.

You know, it actually makes sense that men are not informed of what's actually going on in the world and they just kind of act.

No, I agree, Trudy.

I agree with that.

I agree that men may not be as informed.

It doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make sense that we heard something from the radio and they didn't hear it at all.

Is this like that time?

That's scary, right?

Is this like that time they tried to trick me into thinking that women don't pee out of the hole?

All you men, be quiet.

I'm going to turn the radio back up, okay?

Okay.

Let's see what happens.

I'm going to turn it slowly turn.

Cut to the inside of Francis'.

Back up.

Please turn down that awful static.

To play from the other's perspective, all the men in the car hear deafening static as looks of horror slowly fill Trudy and Kelsey's fate.

I can't believe they're reporting that we need a little treat.

That's a great idea, Trudy.

No, we need to stay focused no matter what the news says.

It feels like the news only talking to us is a problem we could solve another time.

But I definitely do want to circle back to that.

Yes.

Because that's

worrisome.

And you don't even have a radio in your car.

But what's more worrisome is that Mothman and Timmy are in captivity, and they're both so shy.

They don't want to be on the news, even if it is only broadcasting to women.

Wait, where are they?

They're in the Soviet Union.

They're in the Soviet Union.

Specifically, Russia.

Russia.

Yes.

I'm sure Timmy's okay.

The Russians are, you know, they're not great, but I don't think they would hurt a kid there with an alien.

I think they would.

Yeah, they would too.

Well, I mean, no, no, I don't think they would.

We should go.

We should go.

But hold on.

We don't even know where this city is because none of us have devices to tell us where things are.

Where is this city?

Does anybody know?

There was a globe on the scarecrow that we used.

Oh, yeah, there was.

Yes.

Ah, very good.

And I took it.

And I have it right here.

And I'm going to pull.

So now we'll know where Russia is.

I feel like Freddie deserves more credit for that.

Do you think, this may be silly?

This may be a dumb idea.

Do you think that this radio can also speak only to the women in Russia?

Like, can we talk to the radio?

Because it hurt us.

Can we talk to the radio and see if there's any women in Russia?

I've got to turn the radio back on.

Okay.

What's his name?

Hello, ladies.

Radio Rick.

I see you've turned me back on.

Someone out there has turned me back on.

I'm always turned on when I talk to the ladies.

I'm Radio Rick.

Let's change the channel from Radio Rick to Ruski Rick.

Yeah, can we talk to Ruski Rick?

In Soviet Russia, radio sexually harasses you.

Do any of you guys speak Russian?

Yeah.

Who?

No.

Got him.

All right, you chicken.

You're the fucking dis, dude.

What station is Rusky Rick on?

You help us, Rick.

A-R-E-D.

Bro, you know they got one of them backwards R's in there.

Okay, maybe this was a dumb idea.

This one goes out to the ladies driving in that car.

What are you doing right now?

We're trying to talk to women in Russia.

Yeah.

We want to make sure that Timmy's okay.

Her son, Timmy.

Could I make the argument that perhaps Trudy's late husband might have programmed her with the ability to speak russian in case we ever got invaded i just don't think as the person who has to play trudy i should have to no but we'll just do

yeah we'll just do it in a really offensive accent i don't think that's you just say now you're speaking russian it worked for harrison ford and them in hunt for october so harrison ford and hunt for red october you want to try that again no i don't want to because i don't know the answer

k-19 the winner guarantee there was just an article about how he was really proud of that movie and i agree catherine bigelow a totally underrated movie what were we doing we're talking to the radio.

We can only talk to women, and we're trying to talk to the women in Russia, just to double-check that Timmy's okay.

Look, this is going to be a big thing.

Just let us know if any women in Russia can see Timmy right now.

I'll put in a call request to my counterpart in Russia, Rusky Rick, and he'll ask if any of the women out there have seen a little boy named Timmy.

And now we're going to go to commercials.

Hey, this is radio rick for women.

You can hear the commercials.

Yeah, I hear commercials.

Oh.

Oh.

I always thought it was weird that there was a radio station that was just static for

you.

And then this one's commercials.

You know how women like products?

You do like products.

You guys should buy some products for women.

Here are some of the products that you should buy for them.

It is so convenient to get a list of the products to buy for women.

Yeah, quiet down.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to give you a list.

Hangers.

They've got to hang stuff.

Ah, they do.

Number two.

No, no, soap.

But how do you think your sweetheart smells so good without a nice clean bar of Dove Soap?

That's the sponsor of today's Radio Rick program, Dove Soap.

And they need soup.

Women love soup, and they especially love the delicious taste of Campbell's chicken noodle soup.

So make sure when you are wondering what to get your sweetheart for Valentine's Day this year, it's hangers, soap, and soup.

Those are the three keys to a woman's heart.

I'm Radio Rick, and now I'm going to go take a nap.

And then he falls asleep, and you can hear him snoring.

I couldn't hear anything.

I just heard static.

What is he saying?

What a crazy Cthulhu-esque radio station.

the Francis said they were trying to

sell us something?

It was just advertisements.

They said that women like hangers and soap and so.

Don't tell them because then we can't surprise them by being talking about.

Kelsey rips the radio out of the car.

This is tearing us apart.

I can't.

We don't need this.

We're a family.

Thank you, Madam.

How can we throw it out?

Okay, so we have the dollar.

We can talk to each other.

Yes, we have the doll maker.

We can't talk to Russia with just each other.

It's too late for that.

She's got the globe.

We know where Russia is, so she's got to get there.

Yes, but

we need to get the venom from the doll maker.

And I just have a feeling that there's something else in there that we might.

I want to know if anybody is like, if it ate anybody.

It's going to be a good idea.

We kind of know it, ate people.

Let's see who.

I mean, I really want to get, because remember that we left my mom back at Dr.

Dog's office, and I would really like to see if she's okay now that we've killed this thing.

Oh, yeah.

Dr.

Dog can help us.

Maybe Dr.

Dog can help you open up the thing.

And Bibi, do you have

anything to do with dissection?

Bibi is looking out the window, and then she takes a drawer.

She's pretending she's smoking a cigarette.

Oh, well, honey, I got one of those and I hand it to her.

You have to pretend.

She lights up a cigarette and she fucking takes it down in one dragon.

She's like, there isn't a dead animal alive I can't hack it to pieces and look at.

Whoa.

Oh, well, okay.

Yeah, we did a frog.

This thing's basically a big frog, right?

There's no problem.

I'll get in there.

What do you got?

And we are in the car.

I still have Dr.

Doggs.

She'll be happy to see it all right.

But she better not crack my style when I'm getting in there.

Okay, that's for you to discuss.

We're not going to pin it against each other.

All right, we're going to drive back to Dr.

Doggs, I guess.

Yes, great.

I should also mention Sven and Tor are still with you.

Oh, you guys can leave.

We can leave?

Well,

we can find our ma.

We're kind of invested in what's going on now.

Yeah, they can hang out.

I mean, your ma is probably not in Russia, right?

Oh, I don't.

You guys have like passports to Europe?

You guys should stay around just in case we find your ma in the belly of the beast.

Oh, God.

I mean, I know, but closure is better than nothing.

I guess that's true.

Closures.

Yeah, if she's not in there, then, you know, hopefully she's, you know, wandering around somewhere.

All right.

Well, you really know how to comfort a cat.

The car pulls up to, well, I can't remember who's driving.

Kelsey, it sounds like you're driving.

You've got driving energy.

Yeah, I'm driving.

E-D-E.

Yeah.

You pull up to Dr.

Sally Doggs for the third time today.

It's dark out.

It's closed.

Oh, yeah, it's already closed.

Good.

Yeah.

Guys, I'll be right back.

You hear glass shattering at the convenience store next door, and I come back holding two cans of soup.

Oh.

Did he steal the soup?

No.

I just thought she could use a gift from us after all we've done for her.

Oh, okay.

Or the sound of the glass breaking was me paying.

How thoughtful of you, Francis.

Across the street, you hear a parade store owner go, hey, get it.

That kid got my soup.

Yeah, that's what they say.

You pay for the soup.

It's good advertising.

Let's go inside.

Okay.

Sir, I tossed $10 off the ground.

You just don't

go to my fucking store for that.

That's why I picked up the $10.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

No, you're still across the street.

You're still in the middle again.

Oh, man.

I'm happy with that soup.

That might be good soup, Francis.

That cost me $10.

The door opens, and Dr.

Dog is standing there.

She says, Did someone say good soup?

Oh, it's

hello, Miss Dr.

Dog.

What the hell is that?

What are you carrying?

$10 soup.

Oh, just the most expensive soup.

I'm not talking about this gift.

I'm talking about the giant corpse of some strange creature.

Would you like to check out this cool corpse?

You're a veteran.

My cat.

He's very sick.

At the words, would you like to check out this cool corpse?

She sort of gives a begrudging sigh because she would definitely like to fucking get in that thing.

She's like, what the hell is that?

She just like glares at you and grabs grabs the soups and just like get in.

All right.

I'll find your hot plate.

Dissect it for us.

So they lost what was inside it.

Okay, so you bring.

That's why we're here.

All right.

Just come in.

Just shut up.

Just come in.

Just come inside.

And remember, we're trying to extract the venom.

That's two things.

You're right.

Yes.

Extract the venom from this thing.

What is that in the scarecrow?

It seems like there's a big ball that has liquid sloshing around in it.

Oh, yeah.

This is the venom keep it in like a nice like container.

A nice container.

Yeah.

I will have the soup.

Okay.

And then I will put the venom in the soup container for you oh i like to recycle this

your kids are gonna love it

okay let's make sure we put all over the soup can big letters this is poison not soup don't accidentally eat yes it's mind control juice yeah it's mind control juice this is i'm taking in a lot today just come in and yeah just chop this thing up and we want to know if there's anybody inside of it do you have any like bread so i'm sorry what you have bread or slices of cheese it's tomato soup it feels weird to just eat tomato like we could get grilled cheese and tomato soup she hasn't let you you in yet but she just cracks open one of these cans and just like chugs the entire soup in there oh my god i'm so in love with her

and then she wipes her mouth all sexy and she's like come in frances she's got kind of a messy face you know what she'd really want some soap

i'll be right back if you hear another glass shatter you hear off and then she's like damn it's my soap

as you guys step inside you catch a smell in here which you had not smelled before which is why actually that doesn't make sense what like updog dude it's a vet's office is it perhaps a cell

It might smell like updog in the office.

Could this be the strange

dog?

You smell clove cigarettes.

Oh, my God.

Those are bad for you.

It's my high school girlfriend.

As you enter the room, you realize it's dark in here, and then a light switch.

Hey, who turned on the lights?

A light switches on.

Hey, who turned on the lights?

And you see.

You see two people standing in the corner.

One of them you recognize as Penny Pickett.

I don't recognize that.

I'm going to throw you a bone and explain who it is.

Penny Pickett, the elderly secretary of Shane Silva.

Fucking Booney.

Yeah, who you have beef with.

Yeah.

I think she cheats at bingo.

I think that was what we decided.

She does.

Somehow.

You don't have to know how somebody cheats to know that they cheat.

Next to her, you see a dapper-looking man with slick back, jet black hair, a scar on his face.

He's wearing a sort of elegant suit.

Looks like Penny One Man Bingo, too.

Penny.

Man bingo.

It is man bingo.

This is free square.

Free square.

Hear me out.

Dating app.

Man bingo.

Man bingo.

I would love that.

That sounds like the name of like a Doris Day Rock Hudson movie from the 60s.

Oh, yeah.

You put together a bingo of what, like, everything you want in a man.

And then if any man hits like a bingo,

you marry him.

You marry him.

Won't kill me.

Before you meet.

Tells the truth.

Before you meet, you got to marry him.

Beth, would you do a dating app?

Yeah, I would.

That guaranteed 100% success rate, but you had to agree to get married before you do met.

So it's like married at first sight, but it's a dingo.

But it's an app.

Yeah, I'm in.

Yeah.

But it's an app.

It's really bored me if you know it's an app.

And they don't pay for your wedding.

The show doesn't.

Yeah, they wouldn't pay for your wedding.

I know.

I'm saying.

An annulment within longer than you normally can get an annulment.

How long?

As of now in America, you can still get divorced.

Divorce is expensive.

Annulments are easy.

Oh, are they?

I don't know.

I don't know.

What are we doing?

Penny's here, but she's got some hot stud with her.

You dramatically turn around and you see these two people standing next to you.

You want a dog in a game?

And then

Penny looks at you and says, Das Vidania, Kelsey.

Oh, no.

She's rushing.

She's rushing.

It could be good.

She could have a way to get us to rush.

And then the man standing next to her takes a drag of his clove cigarette and says, Well, well, well, if it isn't the guttural screams,

I like this guy.

We've already made the acquaintance of Dr.

Dogg here, your medic/slash woman person that helps you out.

Why don't you have a seat, Penny here, or should I say Valislava, and I have something to discuss with you?

Hey, wait a second.

I remember Tony saying something about British people in Sput.

Did you guys get rid of Tony?

Did you disappear him?

Yerstwhile friend Tony Kaletti, we made his acquaintance.

We had quite the deal for him, and unfortunately, he didn't take us up on it.

But he did bring us to following you and

my, my, my.

What a lot of work you've been up to.

Oh, my God.

Tony wasn't lying about the spy thing and the queen.

Oh, my God.

I didn't believe him.

I didn't believe him.

The marker, this marker, and he flips a coin to you that has a picture of the queen's face on it and a long phone number, and she's given a thumbs up, and it also has the date of her death on it.

And it starts with plus 44.

Plus 44.

The name is White.

Ebenezer White.

MI6.

So I got a token.

They flipped it to you.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

We got a token.

We can talk to the queen now.

I'm already so confident that you're going to join us for this little operation we have in mind that I've decided to give you the queen's token first.

That's right.

I'm still in control of the scene.

Oh, okay.

So why don't you sit down?

We have much to explain.

Oh, God, we want to check the tummy and the venom, though.

Yes, we have an autopsy to perform.

You hear Dr.

Dog in the back, like, okay, she's doing jackhammering and songs.

She's like, this thing's going to take a while back here.

You probably have time to have a conversation.

Sorry, I let the spies in, but I'm not that sorry because you guys keep barking it on me.

Don't throw away anything.

We need need everything that's in the stomach, just in case.

How did you get inside, Dr.

Doggs?

We knocked on the door and asked her, old bee.

And she just said, okay?

Well, once she heard that we wanted to mess with you guys, she said, that's great.

That makes sense.

Now I get it.

There's nothing a confident British man can't get in this country with a long drape on a cigarette.

Can't get us to remain colonies.

As I was saying, young man, we have an operation to discuss with you that we could use your help on.

Does that sound okay?

Yeah, you can keep talking.

Yeah, you're in control of the scene, you said.

Now, Francis, you can hear him, right?

Yeah.

Yes, he is standing right there.

What a weird question.

My word.

I never thought I would have to ask that, but now I just got to double-check that everybody can hear the things I'm hearing.

Can you have radios in England?

Henny, aka Yaroslava narrows her eyes and looks at you, like, did you hear the signal as well just now?

Radio.

Yes.

We will talk later about the radio, Rick.

Okay.

The future is female.

That's actually the worst thing you've ever said.

I know.

I've got so long about not saying it.

But then I thought you wouldn't like it.

I thought I would be like, I didn't appreciate it.

Yeah, I didn't like it.

That gave me the exact same feeling as seeing the line of women Avengers come up.

That gave me the exact same feeling as like seeing the Katy Perry space thing.

And like, I'm like, what is going on?

Nevertheless, Kelsey persisted.

Ebenezer White goes over to like, he's set up a little fun slide projector to do like a cool mission briefing.

And he's got it aimed at the wall.

And Kelsey loves a good slide projector.

I can't see it.

Miss Graham, would you be a deer and dim the lights for me?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, there's no dimmer here.

It's just off.

That's fine.

It's obviously better for a projector.

You don't need to dim it.

And there's already some light from the projector itself, so like you can still see everybody.

I could ask him.

I could ask him, Dr.

Doc.

Dr.

Doc, do you have a room with a dimmer?

Yeah, my office has a dimmer.

Why do you go.

Why do you need a dimmer for it?

It's fine.

It's fine.

We'll just do it in here.

Okay, but if you do want a dimmer, we could go into her office.

But I'm already all set up here.

Ebenezer clicks one of the little fucking buttons, and you hear that like

noise as you see, like the picture from Percy Kovograd of the KGB and the military with like captured, punished mothman who's all shackled up.

That's a 2x carousel.

He says, Doubtless you've seen the news by now concerning your good friend.

Yeah, we did.

It was just like this, but it moved faster.

It wasn't just individual images.

For reasons that will become clear in just a moment, it is vital to the

zoomies today.

It is vital to the security of the free world that this man, this mothman, and his ship be rescued from Soviet hands.

Unfortunately, the place he's being held is a veritable fortress of security and secrets.

But with your help and a dash of damn good luck, we just might spring the old chap right out from under the ruskies' noses.

Yaroslava?

So now Yaroslava comes up.

He like kind of hands her the little clicky button.

She takes it.

And there's like, you sense there's like, there's a vibe between these two.

There's like, this is stuff might have happened here.

Makes sense.

But she's trying to preach.

She's like, I'm professional.

I'm not going to fucking like, come on, please.

There's a lot going on between that little.

perception of it, you know.

Come on, Penny, keep it together.

Act professional in front of these people.

Don't embarrass women.

Yaroslava clicks his button, and you see, like, a spy plane photograph of a Russian town with a sort of perimeter fence around it.

She says, This is Percy Kovograd, Ninzi Novograd, Oblast.

It's a closed city, similar to your Los Alamos.

Officially, home to the scientists and engineers working on a top-secret project code named Motherland.

Unofficially, something has gone wrong.

The Kremlin has lost contact with Project Motherland.

But it's right there.

Yeah.

But the Kremlin had to.

I'm explaining.

Oh, okay.

The local Soviet has gone rogue.

The KGB has sent in agent after agent to assess the situation, only for them to turn up dead months later.

Well, they should not do one at a time.

The only scrap is selling a lot of agents at once.

The more agents we send all at one time, the bigger the risk of this getting out happens.

And the Soviet Union cannot afford an embarrassment like this at this time, Kelsey.

Please pay attention.

Okay, I'm trying.

The only scrap of intelligence we've been able to retrieve is a single phrase, clawed into the flesh of an agent we found frozen like a popsicle 50 miles away.

Beware the powers that be.

Is this in Russian?

Yes, it was in fucking Russian.

It's in Russia.

Wow, it hurts even more to claw that table.

It must have been way longer than that.

It was excruciating.

Our agent died getting us this message that took a very long time to carve carve into his flesh and cereal.

You got all these pictures?

Did you see Trudy's son, Timmy?

He was on the spaceship.

Yeah, or spaceship.

All we know is what you have seen in terms of what has come out of Percy Kovograd.

Ebenezer clicks back, clicks to another slide, and it kind of.

Well, then he goes back first.

It's like, whoops, sorry, wrong button.

Let me

move through.

And then you got to go twice.

No shame.

30 years of teaching.

I still do that sometimes.

It's not a big deal.

So he clicks twice to go forward.

He's going back to that first photograph, but he punches it on one of the faces.

How did it do that?

It was a second slide.

It's a second slide.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the enhanced slide.

And it's sort of zoomed in on the photograph, and you see amongst the faces of the stern-looking government officials, relish wet.

I like the idea that they said zoom in, and we all just got really close to the screen.

Now zoom in.

And you all scooched up to the screen.

Everyone, please zoom in.

Your head is blocking the light.

It's just a shadow.

And Ebenezer says, I know you've had your encounters with the powers of the bee, and you don't need to be fathered brown to deduce that they've taken over Project Motherland for their own sinister designs.

And if they're willing to boast to the world that they've captured an alien spacecraft and its pilot, whatever they're planning must be nearing fruition unless we stop it.

That's where you come in.

Yeah, why us?

Yeah.

He clicks the slide again, and you see a picture of a Slavic bowling team

posing with a trophy, like these four strapping bowlers.

And Ebenezer says, an elite Lithuanian bowling team, the Lithuaniacs, has defected to the Western powers and has been supplying us with secret intelligence about

fucking let me

i'm getting to that okay miss grammar miss grammar you make a living teaching yes yeah i answer questions

slightly when the teacher would have i'm sorry i'll you raise your hand can you raise your hand next time yes miss grammar okay is lithuania part of the soviet union yes it is thank you for answering my question that's all i wanted to know okay well now we've learned something yeah you already got a head start on when you get to s and l and l an elite lithuanian bowling team the lithuania x has affected the western powers and been supplying us with with secret intelligence about recreational sports leagues behind the Iron Curtain for years.

As one of the top three teams in the USSRBL, that's the Union of Soviet Socialist Regional Bowling Leagues.

Been invited to compete tomorrow at an exhibition match in Percy Kovograd.

Only they won't be going in.

You will.

Hi.

Why ask, though?

Lots of people in the world.

Why you clock your gun?

Guys, shut up.

Come on, listen.

Okay.

These sort of events have been happening in Percy Kovograd for months now.

Sports matches, literary honors, science summits.

The top performers in each event are taken to City Hall for a meeting with the Project Motherland site director and never seen again.

We need you to pose as the Lithuaniacs, win the Percy Kovograd bowling tournament, meet with the site director, infiltrate Project Motherland.

Yes, you have your hand up.

Yeah, why not just use the Lithuaniacs if they're already loyal and they're better bowlers than almost everybody?

Yes, Trudy.

I will answer both questions

in order.

Are you saying we have a chance to make her story?

To answer your question, the Lithuanian bowling team provided this information to us as part of a bargain to be exfiltrated from the company.

Furthermore, these bowlers, in Russia, we have a movie called Cataclysm.

It is about an asteroid falling to earth.

In this movie, many Russian oil drillers are trained to drill into asteroids i didn't show a cosmonaut how to drill oil exactly

exactly my point and this is why no one in russia likes this movie because obviously cosmonauts would be better to learn drilling than drillers to learn cosmonaut job actually you it's a team effort and it would be very difficult to coordinate the team dynamics that are present in drilling and that is exactly why we need you We have seen your operations.

We have seen your work here in Peachyville.

We have seen the way you make mincemeat of the bisons.

Look at this monster you have captured.

These Lithuanian bowlers, they know nothing, but you.

We're all spies here.

Yes, we know you are possibly CIA, possibly Afghanistan.

We're definitely not.

Okay, you are bowling team, of course.

That is why you find yourself so efficient and effective at killing people.

I don't know if we're going to have much of a chance against the Russians unless all of them poke their heads out of a toilet at the same time.

And we have to win the bowling.

This is why you are perfect for the job.

You are an effective bowling team.

You are an effective espionage team.

You are the perfect people to infiltrate and save your country, our country, and possibly the world.

Blake, how are you at bowling?

Ah, yes, I wanted to bring this up.

I do not know what bowling.

Well, Mr.

Life is.

Oh, we have a way of assessing your bowling skill.

Would you like to hear what it is?

Yes.

Before we hear anything, I have one demand.

And that's that we do.

You say you don't want to pay taxes at all.

We do this.

I don't want to pay taxes.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Never.

Oh, shit.

Not either of them.

You turn in Francis has a little ammo cracker going across.

Ben Affleck does that live tightness.

Never.

She's like 12.

Just Francis and BB.

I just never even like.

Sorry, reverse and BB do that to Francis.

I don't know how to recover from this.

Oh, where were we?

Okay.

No, they just say yes, we don't pay taxes.

That's part of the problem.

Neither of these guys are Americans.

Not your question whether they're American, but we'll be sure to put in a word for you.

We can either say we don't pay taxes, or I'm going to call the queen with a token you gave me and ask her to make sure that we don't pay taxes.

That's a great use of your favor, of your token.

Why would you let us not pay taxes?

I can't.

I'm not in charge of the American tax system, dear.

I work for MI6, not the IRS.

All right.

Guess I'll just be paying for those roads I don't use.

Oh, my God.

That's what you're going to start.

Holy shit.

I can't believe you're a teacher.

Let me make it plain for you.

Yeah.

We need a bowling team to go into this city.

And we want to save Mmmmmmmmm.

You need to save Mothman and Jimmy.

Yes.

It seems like we can work together on this task.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, as a team.

As a team.

But we are in the middle of finding a third key, which is important also.

You hear more jackhammering in the back, and she says, yeah, this is going to take about exactly 24 hours for me to get in here and root through this thing, just so you know.

Are we going to be back in 24 hours?

How convenient, because we need you for possibly around 48 hours: 12 to get there, 24 to do your business, 12 to return.

So, whatever's inside will be waiting for you on your return.

Okay, yeah, Dr.

Dog, you can autopsy it twice.

Maybe I will.

That sounds like a great idea.

All right, Trinity, it's up to you.

We'll go wherever you need to go.

If we gotta go save Timmy and Mothman now, we'll do that.

You know, Kelsey, there's not much that we've done that I felt equipped for particularly, but

bowling,

I feel like that I understand.

We're pretty good.

and so if we can get moth jesus and timmy back just by bowling well surely it should be a walk in the park

i would be prepared for something more difficult than that oh well they're worth it that's great however again i have not bowled before well you're rich we'll teach you on the aren't you blessed that You have both an expert bowler like myself and a teacher like Kelsey.

Oh my gosh, could you imagine?

I would pay to forget bowling just so I could experience bowling for the first time.

And what about Francis?

I have sodium pentothal.

I can make you forget bowling with one injection of this syringe.

I mean, I'm okay in it, but basically speaking, the last game we played, I rolled a strike.

So

just bowling?

Huh?

Sorry, what?

Like, I go forget just bowling.

I was making how you say a little joke about the Russian side.

I was like, wow.

But Francis, will you have difficulty now that you're your leg?

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be much help bowling.

Oh, you can still bowl.

We'll just figure it out.

Yeah, I guess I could do it like the kid way where I walk up and then just sort of use both hands and sort of shove it slowly down the lane.

Not the kid way.

No, that's not it.

It's that's the

what do you think it's called, Kelsey?

It's called the

Francis.

The Francis.

The fantastic Francis.

And the fantastic Francis.

Something that I haven't done yet.

you called a fantastic Francis.

I just believe in you.

And by the time you're done learning how to do it, it will be fantastic.

And it'll be yours.

And you're Francis.

I am Francis.

Yeah.

Dude, you put us in contact with the Lithuaniacs like via radio or something?

They might have information about the Soviet Union that we don't have.

It could be useful to keep in touch with them.

And also, we can find out if women can be heard over the radio in one fell swoop.

I'm sorry.

You're asking if he can put you in contact with the Lithuaniacs.

Yes.

Yes, you'll have quite the long flight, and we do have a radio on the plane.

And we can try to arrange some sort of...

If you wish to review backstories and make sure that you're well prepped for the mission, of course, we can arrange some of that.

It's like acting.

Yeah, we're going to have to pretend to be individual Lithuaniacs.

Yeah.

We have to pretend to be from Lithuania?

Yeah.

Yes.

How?

But we know nothing of Lithuania.

Well, you have 12 hours on the flight to figure it out.

Are you in guttural screams?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

If this means we can protect the town and find out more about whatever the hell it is that's going on.

However, I will say say that I am a little conflicted.

Why?

Because the Soviet Union were our staunch allies in World War II, and I fought alongside many great Russians in the fight against the Nazi threat.

Yeah.

I've been told that the communists suck and always have.

That's weird.

It's very complicated messaging, right?

We're just bowling.

Will we?

Communists, Americans, Soviets, citizens, one thing we are all right now is human beings.

Humans.

And together we can work to save this planet.

And the powers that be wanting to be.

And if I can change and you can change, we can make a change.

And you got Bowling Alley set up in that cargo jet, right?

We've got certain facilities on board, yes.

Now, pack your bags.

We're headed.

We're packed.

We have no bags.

Yeah, I'm packed.

Okay, great.

Then get in the fucking car.

Oh, okay.

Oh, we're outside.

Here we are.

No, like the car is outside.

We're inside.

Yes.

Oh, thank God.

Oh.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

As you may be aware, we do a Patreon.

We're starting at five bucks a month.

We load you up on tons of additional content.

This past week, we put up part two of the EU tour documentary.

Part one was about Dublin.

Part two is about London, Edinburgh, and Leeds.

You're probably thinking, Leeds?

That's kind of a weird city to visit.

Well, let Matt explain.

The only reason we're at Edinburgh is also because of me.

We did not have Edinburgh on the tour.

I went here for my honeymoon.

I love it.

In order to go to Leeds, I went to Freddie and I went straight into it.

I was like, hey, Leeds is right halfway between London.

So even the idea of being in this beautiful city, these fuckers aren't even.

I didn't see them do shit.

They went to a pub.

They didn't go to the castle.

This is where it got fucking.

Hey, because they got time.

I didn't have time to go to the castle.

If we were here for another day, I would go to the castle.

I would go straight to the castle.

You can watch that doc right now on our Patreon.

We also have documentaries for both U.S.

tours, as well as an after-show we do on the off weeks where we answer listener questions and give you a peek behind the DM screen, so to speak, about process, what's going through our minds during these episodes.

A lot of cool stuff to accompany you as you fold your laundry or go on very very long road trips.

Support this show and our team directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is RDM.

Beth May as Truy Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is a whole in the stars by Max and Waller.

Anissa Omran is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Sydney Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esterless is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

I mentioned the Patreon earlier.

Well, one of the perks you can get is that you're entered into a shout-out pool.

So much thanks to Brian Bushman, Shortbus Paladin, Old Greg Love Games, Michael Orozco, Miguel Guevara, Kyle Bergman, Allie Huston, Bernsey Burns, Jeff and Round, Yuri, Kurt Nasty, Kevin, Camille, Wicked Child95, Theas, Jack Sawyer, Martin Radel Higvel, Annelli Diana, Mika, and Noel Bartley for supporting the show.

You too can support us directly on Patreon, patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Merchant more at dungeonsandads.com.

Beth's solo show, Beth Wants to D, playing at Hollywood Fringe and Edinburgh Fringe.

Ticket links in the episode description.

Our next episode is coming at you June 3rd.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away,

but I stay

today.

I'm just looking up other Call of Cthulhu monsters just out of interest to see what the average HP is.

And I found something called hunting horror.

And I'm like, ooh, that sounds important.

25 HP.

Some of them get pretty beefy.

The craziest looking one, Star Spawn of Cthulhu, is 78.

So we're going to be able to get a lot of

shots at the end of the day.

Star Spawn of Cthulhu, dude?

A lot of damage.

Like, that's kind of jacked up to think that like six guns could kill a spawn of Cthulhu.

Yeah.

We get it.

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