S3 Ep. 24 - Nag the Dog

Race the rudders!

Raise the sails!

Raise the sails!

Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching.

Over.

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Hey everyone, Beth here.

I'll let you get to your regularly scheduled Peachy content in just a sec, but I wanted to let you know that tickets for my solo show, Beth Wants the D, are now available for both Hollywood Fringe in June and Edinburgh Fringe in August.

So if either of those festivals is in your neck of the woods, please come out and see a show that has it all.

There's excitement, danger, brain shocking, and CIA espionage, sort of.

Well, you'll see.

I'll put the links in the show notes so you can learn more and check it out.

Thanks.

And now, back to your favorite bowling team.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the description.

Now, Big Shane Silva kept the peace with his badge and a wheel gun until the night a lawless beast shot his only son.

Big Shane,

big Shane.

Long and late did Big Shane toil to learn who did the act.

Each night he burned the midnight oil, searching through the facts.

Big Shane,

Big Shane.

And in a dream, the answer came, the vision clear as day.

He saw the soda jerk take aim.

Big Shane would make him pay.

Big Shane Silver stalking in the night.

Big Shane Silver

had to set things right.

Big Shane lay in wait with vengeance on his mind.

He saw his quarry beyond the gate and he knew that it was time.

Big Shane

Shane.

Big Shane's bullet blew his leg clean off and the boy fell screaming in pain.

And from that single well-placed shot, he'd never walk again.

Big Shane

Shane.

But Big Shane knew he wasn't done, his conscience could not rest until the boy who maimed his son breathed his final breath.

Big Shane Silver hiding in the trees.

Big Shane Silver, avenging his son's knees.

And as Big Shane approached his prey, ready to complete his task, the school marm stood right in his way and would not let him pass.

Big Shane.

said, well take another step I swear and I'll put you in the dirt.

This boy behind me is in my care and I will not see him hurt.

Big Shane.

And Big Shane smiled because he knew she didn't have the nerve.

That boy's debts were overdue and justice would be served.

Shane didn't have much he was afraid of, so he wasn't about to stop.

He was bearing on down like a big tornado when the school teacher raised her gun and

big Shane Silver,

all man of the land.

Big Shane Silver

Crunched on where he stood.

Big Shane drew his final breath as the world went up in flames.

and though he met an untimely death,

we still remember the lawman's name.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.

It's not a BDSM podcast.

Okay, what is it?

Why would you think that you fucking idiot?

You shouldn't.

It's not a DD podcast either.

This season, the Peachyville Horror, A Call of Cthulhu, actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

This episode, Freddy, Cthulhu's finally gonna call.

Oh, wow.

Hang on.

That's not what Cthulhu's.

Sounds coming on the other end of this phone.

Dude, you know, most people, if Cthulhu called now, they'd be like, I don't recognize that number.

I wouldn't even answer.

Imagine the more dark twisted universe.

I'll call now.

I'll call Cthulhu now.

Imagine some crazy number you've never seen before.

Imagine the dark twisted universe where instead of scam likely, it says Cthulhu likely.

Wow.

Better look out and Zinzalgo text.

I'd throw that phone right away.

I'd switch to Android.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Blake Lively, slow talking, deep thinking,

toilet-loving plumber.

I have to be honest.

I have to be honest.

I can only play Blake to the best of my ability.

And the truth of the character is, is as he was driving away, he was not concerned with the house blowing up, his mansion blowing up.

He can always build another mansion.

He was more concerned with potential damage to the underlying pipe infrastructure because so many pipes got like laid into this property, and it could really mess up the city's plumbing if his plumbing gets all changed.

Oh, do you think like there's so many toilets in there that like the town water pressure is dropped dramatically?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

We'll make a note as a DM that the water pressure is half of what it is.

You have to work this into my prep.

No man should have all that power.

That's what they argued at the town council meeting when he presented the plan.

He's sort of a 20th-century shitswake man, if you will.

Holy shit.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar.

Peachyville's happiest, snappiest school mom.

You know what she always says.

What does she always say, Matt?

You can't spell learning without earning.

So if you want to make a living, learn.

Wow.

Okay.

And she's like on that hustle.

Yeah.

Does she get up at 4.30 in the morning and put Saratoga Springs on her face?

No, she's got two jobs, fighter and teacher.

Yeah, that relates to my fact, which is Kelsey Grammer goes to bed every night exactly at midnight.

Wow.

That way she's gotten the most out of the day that she can get.

Like, she gets to the end of the day, like, bam, I've maximized the day.

She's mid-man.

It's time to go to bed.

What time does she get up?

Whenever.

Whenever?

Whenever?

She's a teacher, Matt.

Yeah, but when she get up in the morning, you know, day doesn't start till you wake up.

That's a good point.

She's still maximizing her day.

That's a good point, Matt.

Never thought of that.

That's a hack.

Yeah, day doesn't start till you wake up.

I mean, usually, obviously, she has to be there for school.

Does she have those days where she rolls in like Cameron Diaz and Bad Teacher?

Oh, she's got like her shades on and she's like.

Funny enough, that's her favorite movie.

The original one with Grace Kelly.

That'd be such a fun Grace Kelly.

Grace Kelly is bad teacher.

That's the original one.

They remade it.

Still with her transatlantic accent.

Oh, that'd be so fun.

Aw, my name is Anthony Birch, and I play Francis Farnsworth.

I mean, I guess he's still a kid and he still has a gun, so I can go with that.

Francis' peachy fact is that he is actually allergic to peaches.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's kind of dark.

I screened for that at Peachyville.

And what happens if you're allergic?

Just right out of town.

They put you on the railroad.

They put you on a railroad die and throw you out.

It was just like in Gattaca, dude, he had to use someone else's pee for the.

He's allergic to peaches and now probably allergic to Peachyville, which made him think that as a kid, he probably was destined to leave and find a great destiny for himself.

But now that he realizes that his destiny is to basically stay in Peachyville and like birth a god and die, he's rethinking his five-year plan.

Does Peachyville have peaches?

That's a good question.

Or is it like, you know, it's sort of, it's a a peachy place to live.

Okay.

I'm sure there are peaches.

Okay.

I was just wondering.

Yeah.

Sometimes towns are named things that they don't like.

But they're not like.

Yeah, like Florida, Missouri or whatever.

Missouri, what?

It's not Florida.

Oh, there's a Florida and Missouri.

Yes, there's a Florida, Missouri.

Mark Twain would come from a funny-sounded place like Florida, Missouri.

Yes.

My name is Beth May, and I actually was born in Florida.

Were you?

That explains.

Wait, really?

No.

I know, but unfortunately, it was the state, not the city.

Yeah, I played Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child, and a robot.

Fun fact about Trudy, Trudy can play the piano.

She even writes songs.

You could say that she has great chord management.

Oh

my God, Fred.

Got a good one.

Wow.

I was running the angles on that.

Shit.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will.

Hello.

Hey, Will.

I'm fighting a cold.

Oh, no.

I'm tired.

And my spooky fact today is I'm going nude.

I'm going to go.

No, Will.

Nude.

Will just threw his laptop on the ground.

Threw my laptop on the ground.

He threw it on the ground.

Freestyle.

I'm going Anthony season fucking one-style free jazz.

Fuck it.

I'm going into the drink.

And he's nude.

And I'm naked.

He's completely nude.

Anthony.

What?

He's beginning to be.

Dude, well, I worked with you so long, but I never knew what you were working with.

Just for the record, I'm not naked, but I do not have my laptop.

I'm going to try to freestyle it.

My prep did not go great for this.

I'm going to put that out there.

So we're just winging it.

We're going to wing it.

And here we go.

Team, let's make him regret this decision.

Oh, he wants to wing it.

We'll wing it.

Uh-oh, he's picking up.

No, no, no, no.

Before I wing it, I did write up those recaps for you guys.

So then I will wing it.

But that's for you.

That's not for me.

Okay.

Previously on Dungeons and Daddies.

Kelsey.

Yes.

A dark power blossoms in your soul.

Oh, nice.

The power

of the rack witch.

You have cast your first spell, felled your first victim, dueled a fellow witch.

Also, you straight up blasted Shane Sr.

in half with a shotgun.

Yeah.

That's an eventful day for anybody.

That's all I happen.

But tread lightly, rack witch.

Where the ability to rack a witch is insignificant next to the power of the powers that be, as you well know.

For in your blood frenzy, you beheld a vision of the grim annihilation that awaits the world, nay, the universe, should you fail to summon Zuzel to defeat the powers that be.

Trudy, Francis nearly died.

Blake's house blew up in your face.

Kelsey's having a whole dark willow moment.

The cat still hates you.

Oh, that's what got her.

But you can't let any of that distract you.

Not while the dollmaker is still out there.

So focus up.

Study the clues.

Track the trail.

Slay the beast, and save your son.

But you might want to heal up first.

You've got like one HP.

Yep.

Francis, at the end of a long, harrowing night, you find yourself down.

Two parents missing one leg and more ready than ever to finish this fight alongside your newfound.

You sort of said they were like not your family.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I thought really I missed something.

No, I was saying that the down to parent is the 1950s version of down to fuck.

So that's yeah.

More ready than ever to finish this fight alongside your newfound plumber robot rack witch family.

But you still carry the scars of the past.

Most importantly, the big magic scar on your arm that lets your parents track where you are.

Plus, you've still got that haunted Nazi rifle to deal with.

So good luck with all that.

Blake.

Yes.

Your mansion burns in the night.

Your butler lies dead on the lawn.

Damn.

But in the words of Paul Valeré, Amberster's favorite poet, the wind is rising.

We must try to live.

So live, Blake lively.

Grab the monkey wrench of destiny.

Snake the drained pipe of fortune and make your fate your own.

Okay.

Matt, you're raising your hand still.

You can't call me.

You're not the teacher.

No.

Oh, yes.

Did you level up?

Yes, you did.

You guys can level up.

Did we level up?

I wasn't even asking about that.

Holy shit.

I used so many.

I used so many skills.

Now, I was asking a question because those were very great.

Thank you for the recaps.

That was really helpful.

Yeah.

I needed some more, though, because I forgot things.

How many keys do we have?

You have two of three keys.

What you know is that the site director of every part of has a key and the containment director who is unknown to you is the third one to have it.

Okay, we don't have any clues about where the containment director is yet or anything.

We know that the containment facility, when you looked at the map back at Arlo's, was underneath the Peachyville Zoo.

Great.

And with that,

the laptop is closed and on the floor.

Last, we left you all.

You were driving the Bedford Dormobile into the night.

You have two severely wounded party members.

Where's everyone's HP at?

HP report.

MF5.

MF4.

5-4.

Best at 1.1.

What does Francis have?

That can't be right.

Seven?

You had seven, then you lost four when you got shot.

That was the only, so you have three.

Bro, we are hurting this bangout pretty good.

This is not good.

I think Trudy's like in the back of this dormobile, like completely malfunctioning.

Like, I'm just so happy to be here.

Oh, God.

Trudy, should we call him Moth?

Moth!

Moth Man.

Yeah.

Moth Jesus.

Moth.

Moth Man.

Moth Jesus.

No.

I'm going to roll down the window.

I'm going to scream, Moth Jesus.

Give me a no roll.

Because the answer is no.

The answer is no.

Nothing happened.

I got 17 out of.

Okay, so the last you remember, when you were leaving the library, you got a telegram from a young lad with a message from Moth Jesus saying he had urgent business in Percy Kovograd and would be back as soon as he could.

But he is not available.

Okay, so as soon as he could, not now.

Okay, well, that's good to know.

Blake, where should we take?

We need to help Trudy.

You're looking pretty hurt.

I'm pretty hurt.

Francis is really Francis.

Also, my arm.

Yeah.

We might have to get rid of my arm.

Is your arm hurt?

Rid of your arm?

Let's have a professional look at it before we make any rash decisions.

No, no, no, no, no.

They can track us using the sigil on my arm.

Look.

And Francis shows you the burn.

Yes, Francis has a cool circular burn scar on his arm.

Question, Francis.

Yeah.

Hold it up so I can see in the rear view mirror.

Yeah.

Ah.

Do you need to lose?

This is good scene work, Freddie.

I like that.

Do you need to lose the whole arm, or maybe you could maybe change

just part?

No, I hear you.

That sounds great.

No, that's not.

It's not great, Francis.

Preferable.

Is there something in your arm, like a little tracker in it, or is it the sign itself?

I don't know.

I guess we could find out by like cutting off the top hair of my skin.

Or, or, or we could cover it on your arm.

We could cover it.

We could cover it with a

tattoo that you don't like, sometimes you can just just add to it

so we can just make it look like a snail yeah so like maybe if we change the sigil that'll work too i don't think it will but i like where your head is okay well i'm just trying to think maybe we go and order a bodily damage to you well the only way to know for sure if it works or not is if we get ambushed and somebody dies oh boy you're right this is a kind of tough one my uncle always had a saying No half measures.

So I think we maybe just cut into my arm and see if we could dig out like a wart.

Like you could dig out the wart at the root?

Like a shark bite.

That seems so extraordinary.

You know, like a big old chunk.

You're talking about like a big chunk of your skin being torn off.

Yeah.

I'm already in pretty extraordinary pain because my foot.

Dr.

Dog can do this, right?

Dr.

Dog can help us.

Dr.

Dog Dog can help.

Dr.

Dog can help us.

What's wrong with Trudy?

What's wrong with Mr.

Trudy?

Something happened.

She looks very, very hurt.

Trudy?

Yes, Kelsey?

Hang in there, okay?

We're gonna...

Hang in there, champ.

It's not the end of the game yet.

Hold your head up high.

Hold your head up high i'm so proud of you if she's gonna keep doing this i am gonna crash this car

this is whoo drop me off at the block away from doctor dogs no you require medical attention no no no but you're all gonna be like totally defenseless while dr dog's operating on you and if he find us then you'll die

francis hold your leg up to the mirror so i can see ah And hold your head up high.

It's not over yet.

One of those legs is not there.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying I would go anywhere.

I'm i'm just saying you need medical attention immediately we'll bring you to dr dog one of us can stay inside with you maybe blake yes and then we'll stay in the car and be on the lookout with the car running okay that'll be the safest for everybody okay okay and then we will round robin treatment yes yes that sounds good And we know Dr.

Dogg.

This isn't the first time she's dealt with something like this.

So we can, she'll do this.

Francis looks down at his stump and at the malfunctioning robot next to him and goes, are you sure?

Let's go to Dr.

Dogg's.

Okay, so we'll say, because you slept at Blake's, Dr.

Doggs, and the scene therein, and whatever else we decide will be your morning action on the next day.

I find in this game that it's always best to use your morning action at Dr.

Doggs.

You max out your energy.

You max out your Dr.

Doggy.

Because Dr.

Dog gives you plus two movement later, which then just gives you more econ to be able to activate.

Okay, so you drive the Bedford Dormobile.

Do you see the dawn rising as you make your way back to the

old?

The dawn over there has has

waking up in the department museum i suggest that blake should carry francis to dr dogs yes kelsey is going to park the doormobile and then like close all the blinds and she's going to have the shotgun like pointing out of one of the blinds and then like bbe and milton essentially the four of us for the perimeter if you're down for this trudy is each of us can look out of one side of the van okay and we can see all directions And call out if you see anybody coming.

Okay.

Okay.

You can count on me, Kelsey.

All right.

Remember, Milton does not have eyes.

Oh, Milton, why do you say that?

Milton's got his ear pressed up to the window.

He's like, don't worry, Kelsey.

I mean, Miss Gramer, I mean, Ms.

Kelsey, I can listen real good and I'll hear something if it's coming.

You're going to do great.

You're going to do great.

We're going to be fine.

Francis, the moment your sigil's gone, we'll be able to do what we need to do, okay?

And they won't find you.

Okay.

You knock on the door.

I knock politely because there's a sign that says closed.

So you hear footsteps, and then Dr.

Dog cracks the door open.

Hello, we are back.

I see that.

We require assistance.

I'm busy right now.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

The office office is full.

And she goes to close the door.

Francis points at his stump.

I understand that, but I have patience right now.

You will wait for us then.

Francis again taps Blake on the shoulder and Lane's own whiskers.

Something's weird with her.

We should go.

Okay, Dr.

Dog, we will come.

Who is it?

You hear from inside.

It's nobody.

You hear a voice inside say, is that Blake Lively out there?

John Wayne?

John Wayne.

Is that Blake Lively?

That was kind of John Wayne.

It was John Wayne.

You hear shuffling around and sort of a commotion inside.

You see someone peeking out the door behind Dr.

Dog, and it is Sven Anderson.

Oh.

Is that the one I blinded?

The one you blinded.

Yeah.

And he said, I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

And who's that whispering next to him?

Dr.

Dog's getting a little nervous.

He says, we all should talk.

Come on in, boys.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm using Brunhilde as a cane.

Oh, okay, sure.

That's fun.

That's cool.

I like that.

Does Kelsey see this?

Sven's the one part of the gang, right?

Sven's in the gang.

Which then took Milton's eyes, right?

Yes.

Okay.

A lot of eye violence this season, yeah, and leg violence, and leg violence.

Does Kelsey see who it was?

You said he was like further into the room, so I don't think he would.

Okay, give me a listen roll, Matt.

Oh, yeah, maybe Milton could relay it with

razor sharp.

Oh, yeah, oh, that's a good point.

I failed my listen roll, I got 50.

I have 25.

Milton got a 16.

Oh, so you hear Milton go, oh no, it's them.

They're in there, Miss Grammar.

They're in there.

Who?

Andersons, the ones who whipped out my eyes.

Took your eyes up, boy's eyes.

Kelsey's uh clenching the shotgun.

Ah, the shotgun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like clenching your butt cheeks.

No, no.

She's not nervous.

Ready to fucking kill.

But she's not going to drop her pose.

She's not going to drop her pose.

Okay.

Is everything okay over there?

Blake turns around and gives a shrug.

Is that Kelsey Grammar out there?

No.

Is that Trudy Trout out there?

Yes.

Get in here.

She had such a good idea.

I'm so sorry.

You could have had BB say no then.

Oh.

Ask again.

Ask again, please.

Is that Trudy out there?

Ask again, please.

All right.

All right.

I come out holding the shotgun.

You monster.

You took this kid's eyes.

Well, look who's talking.

Yeah, you're a grown man.

Well, what?

Do I have eyes?

No.

Your life choices led you to that.

Listen.

This kid was just a gear girl.

And your life choices led to that, Kelsey.

What?

His eyes.

No, that's true.

I boxed.

You know what?

Don't blame.

I was in a normal boxing league, and then you took the kid's eyes.

I was gambling.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right, Kelsey.

I don't feel like that was Milton's fault.

And did you know we were mobsters when you started gambling with us?

I mean, that's right.

You did.

So I think you're partially to blame here.

You're fine.

Would you bozos get in here already?

All right.

I look over outside and I kind of motion everyone in.

Oh, we're going in.

Yeah, I think we should just go in.

BB, continue to keep watch.

Very well.

Do you guys want me to drive the bed for Dormobile around?

I've been driving in like a loop around.

I'm just saying I'm really going to drive it.

I'm going to draw too much attention to itself.

What if I drive it real slow?

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.

Back up the doormobile.

Yes.

Open up the back drive.

Yes.

And back it right up to the door.

So, one, nobody can get into the house through the front door.

And when we leave the front door, we go straight into the van.

You've got it, Miss Grammer.

Hell yeah.

Like a loading dog.

I don't know.

She's going to roll.

Oh, no.

Let's see.

Either a 78 or an 87.

Either way, she does what you said and very violently backs the van into the door.

Okay.

And we'll roll a little damage for the car.

Man, poor dormobile.

And the frame of the house, too.

I mean, come on.

The Bedford Dormobile takes three damage.

Jesus.

You're going to need to go to the mechanic after this.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Again, I'm 12.

I don't know why you guys keep letting me do this.

Oh, blaming us now.

The dormobile already had.

It had health problems before.

Yeah, it's half health.

So how much health?

A standard car might have a build of three, and then each time a car takes 10 points of damage, it loses one build point.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

So not even close

points.

I think we were comparing this to a pickup truck or something like that.

So that's six.

Six build points.

Six build points.

So it has three build points.

Just three build points left because you smashed it up real bad last time.

Yeah.

So yes, you're on your way to two build points.

The maintenance light is for sure.

Okay, okay.

That's fine.

We're not.

Yeah, we've got like 20.

Bang, bang, bing, bang, boom.

You've rammed this thing into the back.

Okay.

I assume you guys rushed in to avoid being run over.

Correct.

Yes.

And people might get pointed as much as I am capable of doing so.

Trudy definitely needs some help in, or else she'd just run in a circle or whatever.

I'm just kind of like, well, here's Dr.

Doug.

What are you doing?

What is this?

What's going on?

Hey, what do you mean?

This is my business.

Yeah, your business is to fix people.

Well, and my business requires a building that's structurally sound with which to do that, Miss Grammar.

If we don't do what we're going to do, you're not going to have a building.

We're not going to have a town.

Francis looks at Dr.

Dogg and tries to mouth, Are you in trouble?

She looks at you, like, No, I'm you're in trouble because you broke my building.

Oh, well, whatever then.

Why is Sven here, though?

Sven, they I'm a doctor, yeah, a veterinarian.

Okay, I also do, as you well know,

some business on the side.

Okay.

Sven and his brother Tor, who's right over here, and you see sort of lying down on the operation table, his brother.

His brother threw a highlights for children.

He's got that little, you know that one where you slide the little thing around.

That's the only one.

Tor is very, very, very badly fucked up.

He's got cuts and scrapes and bruises, and he's all banged up, and he's on our operating table.

As you can see, I have clients right now.

That's what I was saying.

I do a lot of business with the Andersons.

Do they get hurt all the time?

They do.

They get hurt quite a bit.

They're in a rough line of business.

Yeah, they're bad people.

They took his eyes.

Do I hear a judgment in that, Miss Grant?

Yeah, I mean, I think that's a pretty fair judgment.

I'm sorry.

It's a weird person.

Did you need my help?

Yeah.

I got a gun now, and that lets me get people to do things for me.

Sounds like you're a bad person.

Oh, no.

Right now.

Francis is a bad influence on Kelsey.

Then you've come to the right place because I heal bad people for money.

That's fine.

And

I charge bad people for breaking the front door

of my veterinarian's office.

Put it on the tab.

That's fine.

Let's do this.

She's making a note of it.

Okay.

So you guys shuffle Francis and Trudy into the.

I'm all mixed up.

We need his leg stabilized and that weird sign on his arm.

We need to remove it.

Like a lot of it.

All of it.

It can't be there anymore.

She takes an elegant drag off of her cigarette

as she looks at this weird symbol on your hand, Francis.

Gregor.

And this big hulking dude, Gregor, her assistant, comes in from the back.

Where the fuck was he last time?

He was here last time.

I was here last time.

I was just too bismitten by Dr.

Dog.

Sorry.

We all are.

I'm Gregor and my eyes are up here.

Very tall.

What is it?

And she like points to the thing on your arm and he sort of stares at it for a second.

He says, oh yeah, that's a.

Oh, no, I had it written down.

What did I call it?

You're good in luck.

No, no, no, no.

It is whatever I call it now.

Eligma.

Oh, yeah.

That's a sigil.

Okay.

Can you remove it?

Yeah, yeah.

So how'd you get it?

I got it in the astral plane.

Oh, so it's an astral sigil.

Okay.

Well, so you're being tracked by this.

Is that what I'm getting from this?

Correct.

All right, kid.

I can help you fix this, but it's going to cost extra.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

I can't really give you an arm and a leg.

Ha ha.

That's pretty good.

I'll knock a couple bucks off for that joke.

I like jokes.

Greg Ort.

Oh, you like

jokes.

Trudy.

Wait, you like jokes?

Yeah, let's get the price.

No, I, Beth, came up with a joke like seven minutes ago.

And it wasn't very funny.

I don't think I can because it's not good, and I don't want to do that to Trudy.

Okay, okay, I'll try to do it.

Okay, okay.

I'm stopping it.

You made a comment about

how this

the building wasn't structurally sound anymore.

What did you build it out of rock and roll?

Bound.

All right.

We may need to restart.

For your two stupid jokes, you will have advantage on your credit rating roll that one of you can take to see if you have enough money to pay these guys.

Yay.

Who's got the best credit rating again?

I have 20.

I have eight.

I have zero.

I have nine.

Okay, so I have a bunch of money.

I have nine?

Well, this is before you were a billion dollars.

Before I was a billion dollars.

So all your money's in the market.

Yeah, all my money's in the market.

All right.

The way advantage works is you roll two and you take the lower.

11.

Oh,

11 and a 1.

Yep.

All right.

So I feel like you do that thing where like you flash 100 and it looks like a wad of hundreds, but like there's a bunch of not hundreds underneath it.

It's also clearly the money I owe spending them anyways.

All right.

Dr.

Dogg and Gregor are moved by your flash of cash.

All right.

Where do we want to start?

Who's doing what?

Yeah, well, who's doing what?

Her first.

Francis says, pointing at Trudy.

That's really nice of you, Francis.

I think we should get rid of the situal first since they are tracking us, right?

Yeah.

Can we do that?

Well, there's two ways to go about this.

Okay.

There's the painful way.

There's the painful way.

Okay.

And there's the long way.

Oh, okay.

I was about to say, why is the painful way?

Do you want to know the long way?

No.

How long?

Yes, how long?

I want to hear the long way.

You guys ever watch Dragnet?

Is the description?

Way long.

On Dragnet, when they're trying to trace somebody, they do something called triangulation.

Okay.

Where they have three antennas or whatever, and then something gives off a signal and they trace its location between the three antennas.

Right.

So, the way these sigils work, whoever created the sigil has created three resonance nodes.

Okay.

And they're going to be somewhere, and they track your location between the three nodes.

Now, in order for the nodes to resonate with the person that they're supposed to resonate with, they have to have great psychological significance with the person.

So, that's the hard way.

You find the nodes, you take them out.

Well, we could actually take out only one node to make it 50-50.

Two nodes to make it very more difficult.

The painful way is with this, and he holds up a cheese grater.

Oh, that's what I would thought.

Yeah, I was sort of emotionally prepared for that one.

We thought that was the only way, really.

But what do you guys want to do?

This way.

Okay, yeah, it's up to Francis, but I would suggest.

All right.

Wait, Dr.

Dog, do you have a local anesthetic?

They're for cats.

I'm going to have to do some, you know, basically says this is still going to hurt once the anesthetic.

Did he survive the explosion?

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

I was too busy saving those children.

I didn't think about...

I didn't think about saving Marbles.

Blake, you feel Marbles purring, curled up in your jacket or something.

You are aware that Marbles is still alive, but you also get the impression that Marbles doesn't really want to talk to Trudy.

Trudy,

you must come to terms.

Marbles is dead.

I don't think that's what happened.

Trudy, look at me in the eyes.

We lose the ones who hate us and love us all the time.

Oh, God.

You must.

I have to move on.

I have to.

I have a family to take care of.

I can't worry about a silly, fuzzy, cuddly, hurry.

Trudy, trudy, focus.

Okay, I must focus on my family,

which doesn't include.

Marbles is not and now will never be part of your family.

She still needs the will to live to get through this, so I don't know if we need to go so hard.

Ah, truly think of your family yes timmy and your space man moth jesus yes and your friends and your friends my friends and whatever you do don't think about the cat oh no

gregor goes to the back to get the skin remover and you can take him with you all right kid come on back probably be faster we just bring him to it yeah dr dog is gonna do a medicine roll cool for his leg oh sir yeah give us

gregor we would like the skin flap I'm sorry, what?

When you're done with it.

Do you want the flap?

He has his cheese grater.

It's not going to be in a position where you could like.

Oh, yes.

Do you have that cheese gratitude?

Can you use a knife?

I mean, do I.

You can say when.

When.

Because, like, you get me, right?

Like, this is like, we could then throw the...

Oh, that's great, Ms.

Grammar.

Yeah.

You're saying we could cut it off and then, but we could use it.

Like, we could fold it into a little paper airplane or something like that.

And then marbles eat it and then set her loose.

Yeah, yeah.

Or we put it on like a little like boat or something, like a little like floaty and like just let it drift down the river they'll be like whoa yeah francis right near the river yeah and they'll friend they'll think francis

is a good idea

it'd be a lot easier if you just let me cheese grate it yeah but we need it it also hurt me a lot less it feels weird that you went there first knowing that knife was an option yeah do you use this on animals

do you use it on cheese do i use what on cheese cheese grater of course

get back here All right, he's going to cut it off.

That's fine.

Well, actually, no, he's the sous chef.

He's the assistant.

Dr.

Dog is going to make the medicine roll.

We should have like his skin is like transplanted with a cat's like where.

It's like fur just on my.

Oh,

yeah, because we're going to need to patch it up with some.

Well, I mean, I guess it would heal.

I guess we're not.

Who do you think gave you the butt?

Oh, all right.

She rolled a 24.

These events are now going to occur in real time.

I feel like they would do the leg first.

That makes sense.

The leg's the open wound.

24 was the medicine roll to patch up your leg.

Let's roll a 1d3.

Two.

Okay, great.

Nice.

The middle option.

I should have done a first aid roll as well.

She got a 56, so we're going to call that plus one as well.

You are going to recover three hit points.

Great.

Okay.

I'm up to six.

What's happening?

Can I roll a spot hidden?

Yes.

Roll a spot hidden.

Is that for like if I want to look for something?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, she got a 47.

So yes, the operation to excise this scar from your arm goes off without a hitch.

Here's what we'll say.

No HP damage, but yes, they used an intense amount of anesthetic on your arm, and your arm is basically numb.

A nerve block.

Oh, Francis!

It could even be in a sling, so like, because it's so numb that you can't really use it, yes, your arm is in a sling for the next like someone else's arm, if you know what I mean.

Yeah,

your arm is numb.

I'm gonna roll

it's like somebody else is in a sling, yeah, someone else's Georgia.

I wish you had kept being like, What does that mean?

Francis is like, Well,

well,

well, like, I mean, I assume that, like, I mean, you know, I've been told.

I've been told.

Francis, roll me a 1d6.

Two.

All right, for the next two days, your arm is in a sling and you cannot use it.

Okay.

While she is working on Francis, the Anderson brothers would like to have a word with the rest of you.

Do we resolve that first or am I spot hidden first?

Oh, yeah.

What's the spot hidden?

I'm looking at the.

What are you trying to spot?

What are you doing?

There's no, I'm going to ask a question because I win.

He's got that smile in his voice.

Something about it.

I'm not dogging him, dude.

I'm just trying to, I'm trying to win us the game.

No, I love it.

It's the game.

I like it when you get into scamp mode.

I want to win.

Cheeky scamp.

And I was looking at your map.

Yeah.

I saw no river.

So I'm assuming there's no river in Peachyville.

No, there's no river.

No river.

Okay.

Okay.

So since, so yeah, we can't.

If you're trying to figure out what to float, yeah, we can't float his flap of skin anywhere.

So then I was thinking, I mean, this is messed up.

So I'm looking to best to say it's okay.

But he's, I was going to see what animal is best.

Like, I was going to spy hit.

Like, is she working on any bird?

Squirrel.

Any birds?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And the bird can fly, you know, let a bird out.

No, we just flush it.

Oh, and they don't move through.

Spot hidden.

I'm looking for a toilet.

Did you find a toilet?

Dover dog hides your toilets.

Found a toilet.

Trudy, I found a toilet.

Oh, wow.

I'm thinking.

Kelsey is canonically a man now.

That was the most man talking to a woman looking for validation conversation.

I'm thinking we put his skin down the drain.

It'll send them in the wrong direction.

He'll just keep going.

Yes, we all float down here.

Okay.

Sven, how's your toilets?

They're doing all right since you fixed them up for me.

Ah, very good.

That's right.

Your friend Blake also works for mobsters.

Does that make him a bad person?

I mean, no, no, no, no, he's a bad person because the war.

Never mind.

I mean, no, he's just fighting a trade.

Yeah, did you know there were mobsters when you were doing it?

No, I just didn't.

I just look at the quality of the toilet, and I will say the bathrooms had a very distinct mobstery vibe.

We pride ourselves in the mobstery vibe of our bathrooms.

Well, look, you're right.

There's no reason to argue about who's good or who's bad.

Just what does it really want?

It seems like you guys and us guys,

we got the same problem.

Okay, which is.

This town is going to hell in an H-basket.

Yeah, but it's going to H in a H-basket.

Hand?

H in an H-basket.

It's going to H-Peach saying hand is like the worst curse word you could possibly say.

Oh, my God.

It's going to hell in an H-basket.

Okay, but why do you think it's going to hell in an H-basket?

Well, we got these guys in the cloaks with the hoods and the horns.

First, they blow up our boxing match.

You were there.

We lost a lot of good guys at that match.

Yeah.

You lost guys.

There's some monster running around town.

And then tore the bangers up one who's all fucked up on the table.

He goes, it took our ma.

Oh, it took Ma Anderson from us.

Oh, right.

I put my hand out for it to give us.

You put your H out?

Yeah, I can't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, we're just throwing words like that around now, huh?

Come here, big guy.

Sven hugs you.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

I just, it's, she's our ma, and I know she's not.

I know she did some bad stuff.

I know that, you know, with the kid and with, but it's your ma's, your ma.

No, it's just hard.

And we woke up one night, and there's a big explosion in our toilet.

And the next thing we know, our ma's talking about she's got to go on a trip and she can't be late.

And she starts walking out into the street.

I think the dollmaker must come from the toilets.

That is my domain.

Yeah, okay.

You are telling me that there is something coming up from the domain of toilets.

There should only be a lot of people.

You don't own the toilets, Blake.

I own the one.

Do we have Roz with us?

No.

I would hope so.

Oh, yeah.

No, she's still in the car.

Okay.

She's in her car helmet as you straight.

Yeah, the dollmaker must be going through the toilets.

Yes.

Yeah.

I just...

Central sanitation system or something, Blake?

Yeah.

Where do all the toilets go here?

Well, you see all the toilets drain towards the wastewater processing plant at the edge of town.

Maybe that's where the dollmaker lives.

We kind of figured if we could just follow our ma, she'd take us to wherever she was going.

She just wanted to walk in some direction.

Okay.

And so we followed her.

And we followed her.

And we followed her into this field, this cornfield on the edge of town.

At the corn hub?

At the corn hub.

We went to the corn hub

and we were walking out.

There was the two of us and we brought our best guys with us.

Mo and Joe and Little Mo

and Big Joe and Torvald.

No, did she go behind the paywall?

Yeah, she did.

She knows that Browser's is free.

She started wandering towards where the good corn was, you know, corn hub premium.

And then all of a sudden, we were in the corn, us and the boys.

We were a squad a dozen deep.

And then we lost sight of Maj.

He just vanished into the stalks.

And I heard this rustling.

And I heard this screaming.

Oh, no.

Gunshots.

And I just ran.

And I, and then you hear Tor say, he knocked into me.

I must have emptied a whole Tommy gun clip into that thing.

Didn't do a damn thing.

I saw that eye.

Or is it a mouth?

Whatever it was, a hole or an orb or something.

And I just lost myself.

I would still be standing there if Sven hadn't knocked into me and the two of us just ran and ran and ran till we wound up here.

Anyway, that thing's out there, and we may be gangsters.

Yeah, we may be gangsters, but we're citizens of Peachyville too, gosh darn it.

And we don't want this thing tearing up our town.

That's our turf.

And anyway, if you guys are after that thing, which I think you might be, well, I just want you to know that whatever y'all are cooking, you count on the Anderson boys because we want to get our ma back.

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Kelsey is gonna find a liquor bottle it's the 50s there's liquor everywhere sure and she's gonna walk exactly like the main guy in grand illusion when he when the guy's dying on the table and she goes and takes the shot glass so she like shakes and she takes a shot and she goes you're ma and i didn't see eye to eye and you know i can't say i thought she was a good person but

nobody deserves to go like that she ain't dead yet i know it Oh, she's not what?

Well, I just, I don't, we didn't see her.

How can you say my mom is dead?

I mean, she disappeared, but she's still got to be out there, right?

Well, if your mom's not dead, then what are are you two grown men doing here?

He got banged up.

Look at my brother.

Look at my brother.

I can't even see him, and I know he's banged up.

Okay.

The mentor's like, it banged me up pretty good.

I barely survived, as you can plainly see.

It was a gang bang in the.

Wow!

Holy shit!

He was sitting right there in the table, and only Beth saw it.

Bound.

Okay.

Bound.

Can I get a bound in chat?

Anything else you can tell us?

I mean, so it's clear that the dollmaker is coming through the toilet.

So you think it's going to be at the central

sanitation plant?

But it sounds like we can't just go in with, if the Tommy gun didn't do anything to shock it.

I need more information.

And

I have the files, but I'm so hurt.

Okay, yeah, let's just, let's just heal up.

Let's fix you up.

And then maybe we can search.

Read the books.

Hey, I've always said, you don't know what to do next.

Read a book.

That's what you do always say.

Oh, I go now.

I can't use that one.

I have to think of another one for next episode.

Dr.

Dog and Gregor emerge from the back with Francis, whose leg is now bandaged up.

Now, would you like them to have a fixed Brunhilde to be a sort of gun leg for you?

Like, I don't know, like,

a Grindhouse kind of thing.

Make it hard to shoot yourself with it.

If you're in crisis, call 988 or Matt Arnold.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, yeah, wait, fuck it.

Let's go Grindhouse.

Fuck it.

Yay, Grindhouse, Planet Terror.

So in that case.

Yay!

Everyone's favorite movie.

Grindhouse, Planet Terror.

Rodriguez, cheat on your wife.

Death proof.

You hear a clonk and a footstep and a clonk and a footstep.

And you look up and you see Francis with his arm in a sling, a car 98 for a leg, and

forlorn look on his face.

I hold out that little Tupperware being like, yo, where's that skin at?

Got a real one-track behind.

Where's the tracking of?

Where's the skin at?

Where's that skin at?

Francis, how you doing?

Yeah, where's that skin at?

Flesh, flash, flash, flash.

Greg Gore like unfurls it and like he just sticks it in the uh Tupperware.

And then now that, you know, now that she's a rack witch and everything, you know, she's just covering her bases.

She kind of like plucks some hair from Francis 2 and like sprinkles it on the flesh in case it needs, you know, you know, which is always doing that to her.

You know,

witches be doing that.

Stuff with hair.

And then she's gonna just be like, what's up with witches and their big stew cauldrons?

You know?

Yeah, they eat witches.

Witches be like,

stew meat.

Who are they cooking?

I'm making for those kids who show up and they get eaten too.

Hey, who the who?

Hey,

Why are they cooking up all that gumbo?

Dude, nobody meal preps like a witch.

It could be that we're just constantly coming in on witches doing oh, it's meal prep time.

That literally doubled me.

I suggested that.

It could be when we are constantly coming in on witches when they're doing meal prep.

I'm just stirring this gumbo.

That's where the myths came from.

And then

walking in on women meal prepping again.

Freaked out.

Dude, medieval times where the whole week is planned out.

I can't let this go.

She must be a witch.

Men in their

broccoli and chicken breast.

I saw Goody Proctor with the Tupperware.

That was the original witch trial was if you could eat all of the meal prep without losing interest in it halfway through the week, then you were a witch.

Shit.

I'm going to flush down this sigil.

Oh, Dave, you're just going straight for the straight.

Yeah, I flushed it down the toilet.

Okay.

Was there like a SWAT team right outside, like ready to go?

And it's like, wait, wait.

He's moving.

They're moving.

You're being right on top of us.

All right.

Yeah, go ahead and plush it.

That's fine.

You don't need to roll anything for that.

Well, actually, you know what?

Here's what we're going to say.

What?

What was a roll?

What?

Do you use a toilet?

It's not a roll every time, dude.

That's an actual world.

As someone who's been your writing partner for over a decade and has shared many a bathroom with you, I've seen you fail some toilet rolls.

Oh, fair enough.

Fair enough.

This is not a toilet roll.

Okay.

So you, you can.

This is a toilet roll.

Bound.

Do you guys put your toilet roll upside down or the other way?

Why am I rolling?

Basically, I'm just painting the picture.

You receive this giant wad of skin from Gregor, and then you're just turning to the bathroom to go to the bathroom.

Dr.

Dogg is a fish.

It's like a flay of fish, essentially.

Hi, what are you doing?

Mind your own business.

I close the bathroom.

It's my toilet.

What do you mean?

That's my toilet.

It's my toilet bathroom.

Okay, then leave the skin out here.

Why?

Because I don't want you clogging my toilet up.

It's a gentle toilet.

I know Dr.

Dogg's toilet.

It requires a lot of babying.

Only

do not flush.

Why would you say that, Blake?

Why would you say that of all the toilets?

I calls it like I sees it.

Let's just live a little.

Let's just give it a shot.

And I throw it in to flush it.

Just live a little.

Yeah.

Let's just live.

This down the toilet.

All right, Matt.

Give me a luck roll.

Push past her.

What's the luck?

The luck roll.

You push past her.

You throw it in the toilet.

You flush.

Now give me a luck roll.

20.

What's your luck?

Oh, I got rid of a lot.

It's got to be like less than a poop, though, surely, in terms of size.

Yeah, you know, and also you've rolled it up like a little cigarette.

Pretty sure.

Yeah.

All right, I'll fucking give it to you.

Pipe.

It's like one of those salami wrapped around cheese.

Oh, yeah.

It's like that size.

Salami wrapped around cheese.

Where are the cogs?

Oh, yeah, a little party platter special from Costco.

I got to tell you, I'm pretty sure, again, rock and be right.

I'm pretty sure my luck got down to like 17 now or 23, I think is what it was.

Actually, I think I still pass.

That's fine.

I don't want to spend half the episode unclogging the toilet.

Don't worry, Will.

I'll get you on another one.

Okay.

Oh, my God, Blake.

It's clogged.

Can you declog it?

Yes, just pour a lot of water down.

It's fine.

You shove past Dr.

Dog and flush this skin down her toilet, and it disappears down the drain.

Have a little more faith in your toilets, Dr.

Dog.

Flush it again.

Okay.

Kelsey, flush it again to make sure that it clears the pipes of the building.

Oh, good.

I flush it again.

Dr.

Dog glowers at you.

Okay.

Now, do you mind if I do actually have to go?

The worst guest of all time.

Can you imagine going to someone's house?

You flush like an object down their toilet in their face and then be like, by the way, I do need a number two in here.

So if you could just, you know, if you could maybe see your way out of the...

You still got to help out Trudy, so I'm just going to be in here.

Get up, go.

And she slams the door shut.

All right, what's her problem?

Why are you going to be up in the bathroom?

She's hurt.

Help.

She goes up to you and she starts to lift you up.

Clonk.

Yeah.

She's like, whoa,

what is this?

What's going on here?

I'm a robot.

You hear a courtesy flush.

You talk to your dog.

He's like, thank you.

You're a robot.

And then the second one, because it didn't go all the way down the first section.

You just hear that.

Oh, shit.

No, you're all, we're all adults.

Can somebody give me like a stick?

Did they have a stick?

Crazy sticker bar, Bruti.

Hold it for a second.

Hearing some jumbling.

Oh, no.

You hear the water running?

The gun goes off.

You hear the water running, but then the toy.

It's just like, booty, I'm going to let you kill an innocent person.

Just fucking shoot.

Shoot her.

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm a robot.

Help?

Well, I do animals and I do humans, but I don't really...

I've never done a robot before.

Please, I'm only at one health point.

Head point.

All right, let's take her in the back and let's see what we can do.

So Dr.

Dog is going to do a disadvantaged medicine role.

Oh, we got to take her to like a car mechanic.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they will know how to work on robots.

I mean, at least they're probably more likely to know how it works than a fucking.

The vanity.

I think she has like brain.

She has like some organic matter.

Technically, I'm a cyborg.

Hmm.

When you say cyborg, Gregor perks off.

It's like, well, I've read a lot of Isaac Asimov books.

Maybe that'll help.

Let's get back there.

So they're going to do a disadvantaged medicine role.

Oh, that's an 11.

That's a very good roll.

Dude, this is.

Will, Will, I just want to say, good game design.

Because Robot class is strong because you can sleep on top of books and absorb dollars, but it's harder to heal.

Yeah, that is good.

It's good.

Yeah, good game back.

Balance.

51.

So she passes.

She's able to wing it.

Most of the damage that's happened to you is sort of like internal bleeding and stuff like that in the parts of the you that my insides are bleeding.

Your shit's fucked up.

So go ahead and roll a 1d3.

All right.

You hear Kelsey panic because she heard somebody say your shit's fucked up.

And she thinks they're talking about her.

Shit, they know.

They know.

A two.

A two.

Okay, so you now have three HP.

Can I come in for a tune-up?

Blake, you may remember me from last time.

Yes.

Check up, please.

I remember you.

Yes.

Come on back.

Okay.

All right.

What's happening back there?

That's a 31.

All right.

Give me a 1d3.

Two.

Okay.

The middle one.

You got the middle one.

Stupid question, but when we sleep and call of Cthulhu, we don't get our hit points back.

You recover one hit point a day.

Okay.

So you will continue to recover as well.

Okay.

Like one hit point per day.

As long as I don't get it.

Like healing.

Bang yourself up.

Did anyone else need to heal up?

Was Matt going to heal?

I mean, that's a form of healing.

What?

Can I...

Can I heal?

Yeah, my health is, I believe, four.

So out of 12.

That's fine.

Yeah, if I can't, I wasn't sure how the action system works.

But yeah, hell yeah.

We'll say this will be your guys.

If you don't mind, and she just kind of sits down in the chair.

It's like, I could use a little tune-up, too.

Yeah, that's fine.

I didn't have anything else going on today.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, it's your job.

This is what you do.

I mean, I have

to see all of these like concerned people with their pet because it's the middle of the day now.

All these people with their pets are like looking out there, like, why is there a van backed into the front of your door?

And she like sticks her out of the wall.

She's like, We're closed today.

I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have to bring Fluffy and Mr.

Pudden and Snakey Jake back tomorrow.

They're all dead, Beth.

78.

Well, you're not a great doctor, are you?

Excuse me?

No, I don't say that.

I go, oh, you did great, Dr.

Dog.

I don't think I did.

I can tell when I've done a good job, and I don't think I helped you much.

I mean, you've helped a lot of people.

I want to be very clear that you're still going to have to pay for this.

Yeah, I know how that works.

You're good.

We'll pay you.

What does that mean?

I mean,

Dr.

Doc's going to do a psychology call.

She got a 12.

What does it mean?

It means that Kelsey is thinking either the whole world blows up, in which case, who cares?

Good luck in that thing.

Or like if they do save the world, she still thinks like enough fucked up shit.

Like, she's thinking this bill's not coming.

That's what she's thinking.

And it's like, you know, she's one of four.

Also, Blake's rich.

She's not concerned about her having to pay this bill is what it is.

All right.

Dr.

Dogg's going to further narrow.

Her eyes are super, super.

What is happening over there?

I was trying to look for this like meme because you were talking about these people with their dogs.

And I was like, please help my dog.

He's very sick.

Because I remember that being funny.

And then I found one and it was really, really funny.

Dad, do you want to share with the glasses?

It's like this dog skateboarding.

It's like this dog skateboarding.

He's like, someone helped my dog.

He's very sick.

And he's got sunglasses on.

So you've all attempted to heal or been patched up.

You've excised this tracking beacon for Francis' arm

in a gruesome manner.

What would you like to do now?

Sven and Tor are at your disposal to help you hunt down the dollmaker.

They've decided to team up with you.

Um, if you want to accomplish multiple things, this is Sven and Tor.

Did you guys check to see if they were being honest?

I mean, I feel, I mean, I just kind of got a sense of it.

I was hugging.

Francis wants to make a psychology.

They seem very genuine about missing their mom.

My psychology is 80, and I got a 49.

They seem legit to you.

Okay, cool.

They're fed up with all of the nonsense going on in the town, and they are very concerned with getting their mother back.

Kelsey, did you wash your hands?

Win.

Oh, no, that's a no.

That's a no, ladies and gentlemen.

That should get you disbarred from being a teacher forever.

I think you should all roll to see if you heard whether or not Kelsey washed your hands.

I mean, after the bathroom, of course, Trudy.

Why do you guys look at that map over there?

Okay.

This map of dog body parts.

I'm gonna roll stealth.

To wash your hands.

I want to go.

Wash my hands.

You fucking asshole.

Kelsey's the worst.

No stealth.

way.

I failed.

Oh, no.

Where are you going, Miss Grammar?

Oh, I just.

You didn't wash your hands.

I did.

Now, I fixed it.

We all make mistakes, and I fixed this one.

You made a choice not to wash your hands.

I can't think.

I was just going to stay in the middle.

You did a straight flush, but you didn't wash your hands?

I know.

I was stressed.

I heard people talking outside.

I just left.

I'm sorry.

And I didn't touch anything.

You lovingly caressed all of our families.

Yeah, why did you do that when you came out?

No, but where did I get an infection?

You're right.

I don't know.

What else?

I'm like pink eye in addition to all the other stuff.

Francis, after what you've just been through, you should know you can't change the past.

All we can do is move forward.

And I can't do anything more than say sorry for forgetting to wash my hands.

And no one, what I'm really ashamed of is not admitting it and then trying to hide the fact.

I forgot to wash my hands and I'm doing it now.

Okay.

And you go all the way.

The cool thing is the lying.

Yeah.

No, you're right.

That's okay.

I guess.

You saying that makes Francis turn to who's the eyeless one?

Sven.

Sven.

Sven.

And go, well, we're handed out apologies for things that we can't take back yes I'm sorry I took your eyeballs out oh you are yeah

well put her there son and he puts his hand out this way a little bit more this way put her there pal not that's that's near blanks

I mean I can work a lot of the work here he's still a bad person all right I'll shake his hand that's mighty fine of you son I appreciate it It's hard work to apologize sometimes.

You're a lot more forgiving than I would be in this situation.

I appreciate you.

While we're at it, where's that kid, Milton?

Oh.

He's here.

He's here.

Oh, I'm right here.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Sven.

Milton, in the spirit of being sorry for ripping people's eyes out, me and my brother sure are sorry for ripping out your eyes.

Oh, well, that's...

Ah, question.

Did you keep the eyes or did you just flush them down the proverbial toilet?

Excuse me.

I'm kind of having an apology moment here with this young man.

Well, I was just saying you could maybe make good.

In what sense would I be able to make good?

If you kept the eyes in your refrigerated truck.

Blake, you're a good plumber, but you're a dumb, stupid man.

That's not how eyes work.

So, what I'm learning about being an adult is that if you get really badly hurt, you turn into a good person.

Shane's Jr., me,

this guy.

No, but not Shane.

Big Shane was bad.

I mean, Big Shane wasn't bad.

He was just trying to avenge his kid.

I mean, he was hurt on the inside.

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

I mean, you're right.

I'm just saying if we meet somebody who's really mean, we should consider mauling them.

I'm joking.

I don't do that anymore.

Probably.

What would you guys like to do?

Where do we know the third key is?

Zoo.

Yes, it's the zoo.

The zoo.

And then we think.

Still a McDonald's.

We haven't.

Think the doll maker is moving around the plumbing of the town.

And that would make sense that maybe it like holds up at.

How stupid would it be if we flushed the fucking sigil down the drain and then went right to where it goes in the sewer and they found us again?

Hey, Phoebe.

Yes, Miss Gramer?

Lay down what our options are.

I would be delighted to.

So it strikes me that there are a lot of avenues we could pursue right now.

When I'm trying to figure out one of my classic cases, like the mystery of the stolen pie or the mystery of the spooky nose and the stolen.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Today's about forgiveness, Miss Gramer.

It seems to me that we have a lot of leads we could pursue.

For one, she just rips a bunch of lost dog posters off of like a corkboard and then starts tacking stuff up to start theorizing.

I just think that those dogs need to be.

They'll be fine.

Okay.

They're dead.

They're probably dead.

Let's be honest.

The dogs are probably.

Yep, she's a cop.

Dr.

Dog is like, is this true?

They're probably gone.

Not that I care about dogs anyway.

This is a cat clinic.

That's true.

You cared enough to put their missing posters up.

I feel like if you put,

this dog is badass.

I feel like if you put up a missing poster for a dog, you should put up a found poster if you found it so that the people who saw the missing poster know.

Yeah.

Ms.

Grammar?

Yes.

Today you're the student.

I'm the teacher.

Oh, okay.

I need you to, I need you to focus.

Whoa.

I'm always a student.

And I always learn from you, but I get it.

Okay.

I sit down and come quiet.

Okay.

First things first, she sticks up known bisons and she has Dr.

Mann, John Clark, Brian the library guy, Francis' parents.

Any of them might have information that we can use to help us in our goals.

She also puts under like a sort of heading that says like current events.

Remember, didn't a bunch of blood get stolen from the hospital?

What was that about?

A positive blood.

A positive blood.

And I think, Milton, you said that was, yeah, that's the same type of blood my mom has.

So someone might be using that blood to try to hunt or do something with a doll maker.

That's probably nothing.

Francis, what?

Francis?

Drip a blade around.

I know that you're having a tough time right now, but I'm in charge right now.

Okay.

And I'm sad.

And what you did scared me.

But right now, I'm more scared of you disrupting my lecture.

So

I was sad when, well, you know, where, nope, nope, I'm not sad.

Okay.

Sad that.

You're growing up already, learning how to hide your feelings.

Well, shut up.

Good.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Keep going.

Hey.

Sorry.

Well, now I lost my place.

Yeah, baby.

Just push.

You can't let them know that you're weak.

You just push through.

You just keep teaching.

Even if you're wrong about what you're saying, you just keep because they don't know.

They're learning from you.

You just keep going.

You got this.

You're the teacher.

You got this.

You're such a good teacher.

You just got this.

You keep going.

I respect you and I appreciate you.

No, no.

I respect you.

You're the teacher.

That's right.

I am the teacher.

Shut up.

She turns back to that.

She's learning.

she underlines blood hospital question marks she puts a dollar sign in there she puts a dollar sign on it for some reason we know that this thing goes through pipes right and so we know that some point it's going to be underground we know that it has some weird freaky eye and we know that trudy when you read the thing earlier wasn't there something about it having an eye wasn't

look at my notes

Yes, yes, an exoskeleton with one weak point in the skull.

That must be the eye.

Oh, yeah.

So it's it's got a weak point.

Yeah, there's a lot of eyes damage going on.

But it sounds like it'll be a really, really, really, really, really tough shot to make.

It sounds like this thing is really hard to track.

And it's really hard to shoot.

If you want to kill it, you want to hurt it.

You're going to have to figure out a way to shoot that eye.

So we got to find a way to make it stop moving.

How fast was this thing when you guys saw it fuck everything up?

Tor is speaking from his bandaged up stasa.

That was the worst part.

It was slow.

Oh, it moves slow.

Okay.

But it was nigh impossible.

Uncannily slow.

Because the dollmaker warps space-time.

Oh, shit.

So, like, if we get close to him, we'll probably go slow, too.

It'll probably be like a black hole thing.

Yes.

You may need to make a shot from far away.

Sventor,

what was your mother doing when it came out?

She walked into the cornfields at the corn hump premium.

Yeah.

And then she disappeared.

But then you said it came out and attacked her.

We were all at home watching the Ozzie and Harriet show.

Yeah.

Did anything happen before it came out of the toilet?

Well, the toilet exploded.

You heard a noise.

Was she in there?

She was in there.

What was she doing?

What was your mother doing in the bathroom?

What do you think, Kelsey?

I'm just one or two.

Okay, well, it's probably not two because Kelsey just proved it.

Yeah, also, we all look, we're all adults here.

We can hear it.

We can hear what's going on in the bathroom.

Why do you need to know if my mother went one or two, Kelsey?

I'm just trying to figure out if there's a way.

So we're on the same page.

I want to know if there's something consistent about what's happening to somebody when the dollmaker comes out.

Like, is it when they're wiping?

Is it when they're not going?

Is your mom's blood A-positive and she had some blood in her stool?

Oh, yep.

Or she's on her, you know.

Oh, she did.

She's on the honesty.

Her appeared, yeah.

She could be doing that.

Her mother is post-menopausal.

Oh.

So she don't bleed down there no more.

Do you know about her?

I'm glad you know that.

It's always an important conversation to have with your mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Trudy, you're not.

We're very close with our mother.

She shares with us details.

I wish I had that relationship.

Focus, Trudy.

Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, I'm sure.

We're going to fix your kid.

We're going to to help your kid.

And then maybe you will have that relationship.

Tammy will have no problem asking you about menopause.

Okay?

Okay.

Yeah, that's what we're looking forward to.

That conversation when we rescue him.

Hey, we take care of you for all our lives.

You can take care of us when we get older, okay?

Francis?

What?

Well, no, I guess.

Yeah, never mind.

Your parents.

Never.

That's a sore spot.

Yeah, we're going to take care of us.

Why do they take care of him?

We're just trying to.

Sorry, teacher, you heard what I'm saying?

Like, we allure this thing to us.

That's what I was trying to think.

Like, could we fight it?

Could we attack it?

I suppose you could.

Maybe you could go to one of those toilets that it exploded out of and learn more.

I just, I wasn't in the room, so I don't know.

But to answer your question,

Mara Anderson has a positive blood, just like the other victims.

Okay.

They must have been.

Just like the blood they stole from that hospital.

Yeah, we're not going to the hospital.

The dollmaker only eats a positive blood.

Does anybody have a positive blood here?

Francis.

I have, oh, blood, which.

Never mind.

Lake Lively, a dull spark finally burns in your brain.

Ah, I do have a positive.

I remember because we all need to know it in the military.

Yes.

Great.

Do you think we can?

That's what was on my dog tag.

That wasn't an evaluation of my skills.

Because maybe we're being so good at war.

What if we set up a trap around a toilet bowl and then cut Blake and drop some of his blood in the water?

That's a great idea.

And then I would balance up on the fucking countertop and then just put my foot right in the gun foot right in the fucking toilet bowl.

And the second I see an eye, just bow.

Yes, exactly.

We can make like a little, like a little scarecrow

in a position as if it's just coming off the toilet.

Like it just went number two.

And it's one of those people that are like, I stand up.

It must be

a little bit.

It's a stand-up wiper.

It stands up toilet.

It's a stand-up wiper.

Right?

And we smear that scarecrow.

Right, we can just go to the toilet scarecrow department at the local Ralph.

Why doesn't it have to be a scarecrow made for toilets?

they do make them

but does she have any sort of you know like the point is we make like a figure that looks like it's just getting out of the toilet we cover it in blake's blood so this thing's gonna ooh like slither out and see the silhouette of a person and smell the blood and then when it goes to leap out of the toilet to attack it because i wanted to leap out of the toilet well it's gonna make the toilet explode yeah okay which is something we'd have to be ready for yeah but i think we should like make some sort of snare you know like king kong when they like capture king kong yeah yeah so we we need like something to capture it when it comes out and then you can shoot it in the eye.

Okay.

And no offense to you.

I just think the risk of you trying to shoot it in the milliseconds it takes to get it.

No, I agree.

I agree.

I think we try to capture it as it comes out.

Now that you're a witch, do you know any spells about slowing things down?

No, I know one exactly.

I get one.

I get one.

What did that spell do again?

I get one spell.

What does it do?

Oh.

It opposed POW.

Powell is probably going to be pretty fucking strong, huh?

I mean, I don't know.

We're going to have to do some rolls against it no matter what.

yeah, okay, no, I'll do my best.

So, wait, what does rat do?

What it does is essentially incapacitates you for a little bit of time, like you're overcome with pain.

It's pretty awful, honestly.

I feel, you know, it's not great that I do it, but you know,

but you know, I've always been so

pretty crazy power.

It's just one more thing I don't know about my mom, she does it too.

Yeah, it totally wrecks your body.

It's almost done.

It's like feeling like you're like struck by lightning, okay, almost.

And then it probably feels a little bit like you got poisoned afterwards.

And then for minutes afterwards, you're, you know, you're sick and you feel awful.

Blake, you have a pretty good understanding of the way the plumbing works.

Is there some sort of like scarecrow?

Yeah,

are they still a scarecrow?

Yeah, true,

I could wild away the hour.

It strikes me that if we want to bait and trap this, it's a little bit like fishing.

It's like ice fishing.

Yes.

Where you wait over the hole, then you bait the hole.

Yeah.

Correct.

And then the hole explodes.

And then the hole explodes.

The difficulty, of course, is that this monster, we have seen the damage it has wrought.

How damaged was the bathroom at Roz's?

The toilet had basically exploded from when this thing burst out of it.

Okay, burst out.

How big is this thing when you saw it?

We didn't get a close look at it.

Okay.

It was hard to discern its form from the rustling corn we saw.

It's just a shifting.

It was like a chameleon.

You couldn't quite fix your eye on it.

Dr.

Dog, what's the strongest cage you've got?

The strong.

The strongest.

You're like a dog.

A bad dog.

I have a cage for men.

Oh, okay.

Well, we'll use that.

That's great.

We put the cage over the toilet, right?

It bursts out of the toilet.

We don't know how strong it is.

Hopefully, it won't also explode the cage, but even if it does, it'll probably slow it down.

You're right.

We literally will have a shoot out of the toilet into the cage.

And the only thing that will be in that cage is it in a scarecrow position

into the position.

Stop the clockwise.

Yep.

Oh, Blake, do you have, you're a war profiteer?

Do you have any?

I do have an arsenal, but it was in my...

oh, yeah, your house.

Oh, man.

I got a shotgun.

I've got a gun.

Oh, wait.

What?

You do?

And it's a nice one, too.

Okay.

Shirty pulls out the biggest handgun you've ever seen in your life.

That's really great.

Whoa.

The ice cool Dr.

Dogg is like, whoa,

that's a big gun.

Yeah,

my, my, my.

Well, that's three shots at it right away.

We just make sure we're not pointing at each other.

I have a gun this well.

I think our old friend Tony Collette has something to teach us about this.

Blake, you remember the contraption he made.

Ah, yes, I remember.

You brewed to shoot a gun from a distance.

You disarmed it, if I remember.

Yeah.

And in doing a booby trap?

A booby trap.

And in doing so, I noticed a number of critical vulnerabilities that I have corrected in my own mind in case I needed to deploy.

We rig up every gun we have to be able to shoot at the pull of a trigger.

And they all come out.

Into the cage.

Yes.

Because they're lured there by a scarecrow covered in blood.

With a recording that's like, oh, I'm bleeding.

Oh, oh, is my, oh, is this toilet paper red?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I worked too hard.

You're wasting gold.

Keep it safe for the moment.

This is great.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can we splice the Tony tape?

I'm going to go.

I'm bleeding.

If you go back to Tony's, I will let you search for extra Tony audio tape to see if you can edit together a message where Tony says his ass is we can achieve.

All of us could just say it.

We could just say, I think this is worth a shot.

BB, after hearing all this riffing, goes, okay, I think this riffing has has gone on long enough.

I don't think I'm ready to fully be a teacher yet.

Why don't you teach us all what you want all of us to do?

Watch and learn, kid.

Dr.

Dog, get your case for men for some reason.

Put it there.

Over the toilet.

I'm not putting it over the toilet for.

I'm not partying.

This isn't a discussion.

This is what I'm telling you what you're going to do.

So put it over the toilet.

I'll tell you one thing.

Either you're putting it over the toilet or one of us is putting it over the toilet.

So that's about it.

Put it over the toilet.

I don't have to do it.

All right, friend.

Ms.

Fenn, Tor, put it over the toilet.

Okay.

All right, great.

We're going to avenge your mother or save her trudy yes you think you can make a scarecrow i know i can can you make it like this and i kind of like do the stance of like i'm standing up to wipe

that's gonna be that's gonna be a really the center of gravity is gonna be so far forward that's gonna be really difficult can you make it like this this

did i do that well it'll be hard without my sewing machine oh but

baby you got a badge in sewing right i sure did all right just help out trudy here you can count on us we'll get it done okay francis blake yeah you two are gonna rig up the guns so that you can with one trigger one pull of a rope can be all shot is my gun detachable from my stump oh your gun is let's just ask you

i think we don't need to use your gun i don't want you close there francis there's no reason to sacrifice well no i'm saying i'm saying if we need another gun we can take my leg off and put it in the gun hear me out francis we don't know how the time dilation and all that nonsense works it may be good to have a backup gun further away.

Okay, that makes sense.

Francis, are you on good terms with Brunhilda?

I don't know, Francis.

Are we on good terms now?

Does she want to kill this thing?

I'm just wondering because what would be good?

Because I want to kill it.

She doesn't like doing things I like to do.

Okay.

I would be willing really to help you kill this monster.

Okay.

In exchange.

God damn it.

For one freebie.

One freebie.

What she says.

That I get, and I won't be one of your friends.

And no one in this room.

No one in this room.

No one in this room.

But I want one freebie, Francis.

Not Ross.

And not Carly.

And not Carly.

And not anyone related to us directly by blood.

I just want Francis.

You never take me out to kill anybody anymore.

We never sleep together.

Well, I don't know.

You know, you're tired.

You feel like I have been expressing my needs in this relationship, and you are not giving me anything.

So I'm just saying, I am trying to make this work.

You're right.

I am stuck with you just as much as you are stuck with me, my nair.

All I'm saying is I will help you shoot this and you.

Oh, you can save the little baby, the little tibby.

Oh, yes, you please a big hero.

What's she saying now?

Nothing.

It's fine.

I want my freebie, Francis.

Okay, she's asking for a freebie.

So, like, at some point, I'm gonna have to kill somebody innocent in order to do this.

Okay, we can probably figure out ways.

That feels like a later problem.

Yeah, like a hall pass.

A hall pass.

I like it.

We have an arrangement.

Francis, this is your decision.

I think we can find a way to make it work without.

I was just thinking that.

Listen to what I want my freebie, Francis.

How are you going to be more useful than just like any other gun?

Sales guns can't shoot for shit.

I can give you one automatic success.

One automatic success.

She's like an automated gun.

I'm a very accurate gun, Frances.

You got a deal.

Okay.

They all witness.

You all witness.

What is your gun to do?

Tell them they all witness.

You're all witnesses.

It's notarized.

To what?

That I'm going to kill an innocent person later, I guess, in exchange for this.

We're going to help you.

We're all in this now.

We're all accomplished to the crime I'm going to commit.

Yeah, we're all going to figure it out how to maybe not have to do that, but I know we shouldn't say it out loud because Bernila can hear us talking about it.

She is such a scamp, Zekelsey.

I know she is a scamp.

She's such a scamp.

I think the less we say, the better in the situation.

So let's just...

Frances,

I think all good relationships have compromise, and I'm proud of us.

I agree with that.

That's very proud of us that we come to the compromise.

I am too.

And also, can you put like a shoe on the barrel?

I just, I'm getting a lot of dirt in the barrel of the gun when you walk around.

So maybe like a shoe.

That's not unrestricted.

Or a sock.

Yeah.

Maybe I have a spare sock.

Thank you, love.

And then I'm gonna collect blood from Blake.

Do you collect blood from the black?

Well, you know, that's the Kelsey Raza.

She hasn't gotten a job yet, and we need a positive blood.

Okay, so Trudy and BB and BB are going to make a scarecrow.

Yes.

Do you want to build a scarecrow?

I mean, they could really just stuff like some shirts, you know.

I mean, I guess that is what it's going to go.

I'm going to give it my all.

Okay.

Do you do the pose again?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you want to see a picture of Class doing the pose, we'll have that on our paper.

It's just, you got to have your face that's like, ooh, was that a mistake to stand up a little bit?

And it's like, oh, no.

And, you know, you don't have to worry about the center of gravity because you could just lean the forehead against the cage.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

We've been to the world's first squatty bodies.

Just remind me, why are we killing this thing again?

I mean,

it's a monster and we get it, we can save Timmy.

Oh, wait.

Blue.

Wait, we need to kill it.

That's a great point.

How are we going to get its venom to save Timmy?

Don't shoot it until it's bit.

The butt.

The scarecrow will collect.

So you're going to put some sort of venom bladder in the scarecrow.

If your venom doesn't disappear when it's dead, yeah.

We'll just take it from the corpse.

Yes.

But if it's like blown up or something, I don't know.

It's not going to blow.

We're going to shoot it right in the eye.

Okay.

Yes.

Yes.

It'll be fine.

But maybe if the butt of the scarecrow had some sort of bladder.

Make it with like, you know, like a lot of water bottles.

You got a lot of notes on a scarecrow.

You're not helping Bill.

That's not what that's.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

That's my job.

That's my job.

I'm going to look for some sort of like.

Well, you're a vet office.

There's going to be tons of weird

ladders and like

there's a lot of like scope creep with this.

Did I say that right?

He did.

Yay.

Real doesn't even have a scope.

So there needs to be a sharp component to the butt.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about the butt.

Okay.

The butt's now my domain on the scarecrow.

My domain.

You worry about everything else.

I'm going to put Blake's blood on like a bunch of toilet paper and we're going to put that toilet paper like in the hand of the scarecrow.

For maximum realistic effect.

He's like leaning backwards like, what?

All right.

Last question.

I would have never been more excited to see the episode art.

I think after six years we managed to outdo somebody in a bag of holding on top of a bear with a flaming sword and all that shit.

All right, last question.

Where is this all happening?

The bathroom.

What bathroom?

This bathroom.

Doctor Dogs?

Yeah, yeah, we're here.

Doctor.

I was like, fucking excuse me?

No.

No, I'm not even going to be cool and mysterious about this.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

It's the one bathroom that is the easiest one to access.

The McDonald's bathroom.

That's a lot of money.

That's a lot of stuff to bring to McDonald's.

Don't worry.

I'll make a big order to cover.

I like that plan.

I am hungry.

No, that's fair.

I came up with a lot of the plan.

I think it's only fair that you guys can come up with moving it all to McDonald's.

We can prototype it here, but not put the bait in the trap.

You guys have to leave.

I need to open my bet.

I have actual sick pets that I care about more than anyone here.

Please help my dog.

He's wearing sunglasses and he's on a skateboard.

And then we're going to McDonald's.

Hell yeah, dude.

We have Poop Scarecrow at home.

What's nice about that is if we get the venue, we can celebrate right away.

Because we'll already be at McDonald's.

We're about to blow up the toilet at McDonald's, Matt.

This is like a riddle.

A group of people blew up a toilet and then ate at McDonald's.

What happened?

Holy shit.

Let me see if I understand the roles.

and what's happening and who's doing what and where, et cetera, et cetera.

Okay.

The plan is to lure the doll maker into a toilet by dripping it.

To come out of a toilet.

Because we've been told that that's what they do.

There's going to be a man-sized cage over the toilet.

Yep.

And a scarecrow that looks like Blake wiping its scarecrow ass.

You guys are going to chum the toilet water with a positive.

It might just be a bucket of blood.

Scarecrow is just, you know, a little whimsy for the spam.

So you're going to be able to do that.

But we don't need a bucket because that would kill him.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Drop Blake's blood.

Yeah.

Put it in the toilet.

The scarecrow is there to sell the illusion that someone just pooped blood.

So the creature will jump up to try to do whatever it does.

Yes.

Okay, that makes sense.

And Trudy's making the scarecrow.

Trudy's making the scarecrow with BB.

Kelsey has taken the responsibility of creating the bladder that hopefully the thing injects the venom into.

Yeah, that's just extra because I feel like if we shoot it, you can extract venom from a dead creature.

But just in case, I'm making the scarecrow have a jelly butt.

A jelly butt.

Here's what it is: I look, and in the lobby,

there's one of those little like squishy, like hoppy balls for kids that are waiting.

You know how they got like little toys for kids?

Squishy hoppy.

You know, the ones with a little handle, it's like a bouncy ball.

They handle.

Oh,

I was like, oh, of course, I'm looking at a little tykes mega bouncing hopper ball.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's like, I see the section that they have for, like, you know, they got maximums for the adults and the little toys for the kids.

And I see that.

You're like, they have maxim for adults.

That's a magazine

they have maximum i look no no they have maxim for adults that's different

that's playboy yes allow it we put that on the butt i guess we should also have two needles one to extract the blood from blake and one to extract the venom from the dollmaker great you don't want to reuse that needle probably probably not probably not i mean we could reuse it on the dollmaker who cares if the dollmaker gets sick oh yeah yeah just don't as long as the order's right just don't reuse it

the primary thing and this is why i'm like i've again I'm sure I'm going to be proven wrong.

I feel like this is a fucking, the most 100% plan we've ever had.

Because

as long as our information is correct, and we've, you know, American history has proven sometimes we don't have the correct information and we make actions based off of the wrong information.

We don't know what we don't know that.

But assuming the information is correct, we know also that its I is the weak point.

And the problem is that, yes, it's like fucking smog.

It's like you can't just shoot the dragon.

You guys shoot it in the one spot.

So we know the eye is the weak point.

This is the other part of the plan is that Francis and Blake are going to rig up an elaborate gun booby trap oh yeah with all of the guns pointed at the toilet that can be pulled with a string or something to fire and in case that doesn't work Francis has caught a Faustian bargain with Brunhilda and is getting a freebie for a freebie and will be primed to shoot the eye with Brunhilda.

And that shot 100% success.

And it's going to succeed.

And that's why I'm putting all my money on fucking black whatever, number three, exactly where we get the most money.

That's what you can call me now, black number three.

Because you have an instant success.

The bathroom that's been chosen for this op is the McDonald's bathroom.

Yes.

Yes.

Famously, the easiest bathroom you can get into.

Yeah, I figure we're all like hunched over the table like you're planning a cool heist and there's like fun minifigures on like a table and like maps and stuff.

Blake goes up to Kelsey, puts a hand on her shoulder.

Kelsey, are you sure this is what is going to happen?

I mean, I'm pretty sure.

Where else are you going to get confidence like that?

That's right.

We're a team and we can do this.

We can do this.

If everybody else has a better plan, wait, that's not possible.

Two big backs, boss.

Okay.

So let's do this.

Let's do this.

It's now the end of the morning.

You spend your morning putting together this dynamite cracker jack plan.

I feel like the booby trap we will roll to rig that up at the bathroom.

Sure.

Tor, not Sven, because Sven is blind, disassembles the cage with the help of Dr.

Dogg, who adds it to your bill that she's going to be sending you later, her personal man-sized cage.

Trudy, you're taking a point on Operation Scarecrow.

How are you going to assemble this scarecrow?

What's your plan?

Well, I look around me and frequently scarecrows are made of things that are lying around.

And so what do I see?

You're at a vet.

So whatever.

These two broomsticks would be perfect feet.

Yes, I see two broomsticks and I put them up.

Go ahead, Dash.

Go ahead.

I put them.

No, I just put them up and then I'm going to put a body around it.

And what is that that gonna consist of the body

is going to be a big bag of dog food okay trudy well this hop i found some scrubs i throw her scrubs

kelsey this is kind of like oh you're right i'm sorry

you do you i'm not even gonna look i'm not even gonna look i i'm watching though

I put the scrubs on the body, and then I think as the arms, there's two stethoscopes that I will use as little noodle arms coming off the side.

And then I think this globe will do nicely as a head.

And I will take, yes, of course, the vet needs to know where they are.

In the 1950s, that's the only way you could tell World War II was.

So everybody had globes.

There's no Google Maps.

And then this poster that has this cat on it that says, is your cat getting into mischief?

Is

going to be put on the globe so that it looks like a face.

What else is there?

BB's like, uh, Drudy, we haven't done the legs yet.

How is it going to stand up?

Remember the pose?

The pose, of course.

Yes, yes.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay, so it seems like there would be a two-factor leg situation going on here.

Yes.

My, my.

What else would they have?

Do you want to ask Kelsey for help?

I feel like Kelsey.

I don't want to do that.

I just, I kind of feel like Kelsey.

Kelsey's in the corner looking kind of bored and lonely.

Twiddling her thumbs.

Kelsey?

Oh, yes, Trudy.

If you were to put together some legs out of veterinary objects that may be around here, what

would you

ask me?

Please.

Okay, great.

I'd like to bend the knee before Kelsey will assist you.

No, I'd love to help you.

I pick up the closest chair.

I see this wooden.

I just snap two of its legs off.

I go, Dr.

Dog, we'll deal with this later.

Look, all we need is bandage tape and we can just tape it into like a little angle.

Yes, some rest.

That you're in that sort of pose.

You know what pose though pose when you're kind of getting up from the toilet and you're not quite sure if you're getting all the way up or sitting down and you got a wipe because maybe it's a little far back there.

Yes.

And then

don't worry about it.

And then we're going to get a magnet from the bulletin board.

We're going to tape it near where the butt would be.

And then the stethoscope, the noodle arm, will be coming around and stick to the magnet.

So it's going to look like it's wiping.

That's good.

That's so good.

Oh, you can use the magnet to trap a piece of toilet paper in there.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

And that's where we'll put Flake's blood.

Okay, so I love the toilet paper.

That looks great.

Matt trying to make it a reality that it looks great so he doesn't have to roll for it.

So far, the legs are two broken pieces of wood.

With shoes on the end.

With college shoes on the end.

All right.

Yes, we're both.

Yes, of course.

And we'll stuff it with a bunch of paper and stuff.

Toilet paper, yes.

And then these brackets.

Wrap it with bandage tape.

Yes.

We use a lot of the bandage tape.

Yes.

Like hundreds of dollars.

Cosplay this.

Some psychopaths.

So you are talking about.

I'm just, again, I'm not.

Look, Matt, look, I'm rooting for you.

For us, we're at all.

I'm rooting for all of us.

We all agree to this plan.

Yes.

But I'm just, as the DM, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the legs need to support the weight of a 50-pound bag of dog food.

Of course.

I know what to do.

What?

Yes, we put another magnet on the wall of the McDonald's and make the other noodly

the McDonald's.

Holding on to it.

Why did this scarecrow become the most important part of this plan?

I don't know.

That was a break.

We could also just remove some of the dog food

and

filled with like tissue paper.

Okay, I see.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Just because it is funny to me, why don't the two of you collaborate on a drawing of what this scarecrow looks like?

Oh, that's funny.

I love that.

I'm not a very good artist.

I'll draw it on the back of the Peachyville map.

I would like to give a rousing speech to my team before we go forward.

Look, listen.

Okay, Trudy's going to give a speech.

Stop what are you doing?

I was tying the strings to the triggers, but I will stop.

You can give your speech.

We're going to do performance roll.

Goes well.

The team gets advantage on their roles to assemble the booby trap and the scarecrow and bluff their way into the bathroom.

If it goes poorly, you're rolling a disadvantage.

Kelsey,

do you remember that one game against the bouncing frogs where we were in frame seven and you got a 7-10 split on your first bowl?

And you thought, there's no way, there's no way to pick up this.

I remember what you told me.

I told.

Yes.

Let's flash back to that team.

Kelsey, you've got a 7-10 split.

It's not possible.

I'm not going to keep you.

Oh, yo, I don't know what to do.

What if you just pretend that the pins know each other and that they want to go into the abyss together?

And so you...

That's crazy shit to say.

I'm still alive in this podcast.

Tony, you got literally a 20 on all 10 frames.

That's the worst score I've ever seen.

Yeah, why do we keep him around again?

For my charm.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He's a real charmer.

I need to reunite them.

They want to be back together.

Yes.

And this ball is just a tool.

The tool.

To help them.

Yes.

It's not something I'm knocking down.

It's two pins I'm bringing together.

That's true.

Okay.

And so that's what I said then, but now.

I didn't get it, but it was such a nice, it was a nice thing.

Yes.

I'm still waiting for that first 7-10 split I get.

And Francis, do you remember what I told you

to take down those bumpers and proudly roll whether or not you get a gutter ball or a strike?

It's just about getting down the lane.

You're right.

But not with your body because it's with the ball.

I mean, the first time I did go down with my body because my fingers were still in the holes, but you're right.

I was going to keep playing bumpers.

I did.

I did.

I was going to keep playing bumpers forever until you convinced me I could do it without.

And it took about six months for me to find out how to not throw gutter balls, but I got there eventually.

It's amazing that the competitive bowling league you were in was going to like, what do your guys play with bumpers?

That's why they made me get rid of the bumpy.

Because we were starting the competitive part.

Yes.

We had a deadline.

And me,

do I remember

what you told Tony?

What I told Tony.

Tony, I don't think it's working out.

I don't know if we should be a team anymore.

Oh, you can't get rid of me.

You've already signed up with me.

That's true.

You, you get rid of me.

You get rid of this whole stupid team.

It's not a a stupid team

bring me my drink.

I'm about to bowl.

Oh, he's so charming.

Trying to keep him around.

He's the worst player, but the most fun.

What a friendly guy.

He's so on the up and up.

I am getting cat vibes from him, though.

And I told myself that someday I'm going to stop using a nine-pound ball and use an 11-pound ball.

And I'm on a 10 right now.

But it's always...

Oh, wow.

All this to say that when a plan comes together,

we'll know it's right.

Yeah.

And that's just what the.

Yes.

Hello.

Hi.

It's me, Milton.

Hi, Milton.

So it's a lot more people in the plan than just the four of you.

Did you have anything inspiring to say to me and Bibi and Blake and Sven?

Yes.

Y'all.

We're all ears.

Yes.

Just

if.

Uh-huh.

If you.

I just want to say before you say whatever you say, it's been really hard for me lately because I lost my eyes and my mom has been possessed by this monster and I'm really scared.

And you know, I'm part of the team and I just, you know, I think a really inspiring, powerful word could really make her break me right now.

Oh, he's not doing anything important, so don't

stress out.

Don't stress out about it.

Just give him some words.

Of course.

Kelsey, thank you.

Milton, don't stress out about it.

Okay.

Yes.

All right.

Well, yeah, I'll try not to, I guess.

Hey, Milton.

Yeah.

You already look a little less stressed.

I'm kind of sick of how mean you guys are to me.

Oh, oh my God, now is not the time, Milton.

No, it's great to say no.

Wilton, you're right.

You know what?

Even though we're adults, we still make mistakes and we're very stressed right now, but that's not an excuse to put it out on you.

I know you're scared, but your mom's safe in the car, and everything we're going to do now is going to help her.

Okay.

And I'm sorry that we've maybe not been the kindest to you.

Okay.

Also,

you know, get it together a little bit.

Got a lot going on.

Get a scarecrow, Shinju.

And I know you're a strong kid.

And I think BB could use your help.

But you're good.

You're a strong kid.

Your mom's going to be proud of you when we're done with this, okay?

Yeah.

We got this.

Fucking jerk.

I was just like, finally, finally, he says like mean about me and he'll stop creeping on me.

Finally gave him the ick.

I don't need this anymore.

All right, give me a roll.

Do you have modifiers based on the quality of that speech?

I'm going to be generous and say no.

I'm going to be generous and say no is a good DM line.

Persuade?

Roll whatever you like.

Nice.

Roll spotted.

But tell me what it is before you do it so that I know that it's not malarkey.

I'm going to roll psychology.

Oh, okay.

Interesting.

All right.

Yay.

Okay.

I had a 42 in psychology and I got a 17.

All right.

Super success.

Super success.

All right.

Everyone has advantage on their role for their part of the plan.

All right.

Gather around, everybody.

We have the drawing.

Matt, can you hold it up for my camera?

Uh-huh.

And like, like, George.

And that's the bouncy ball.

You're plugged into it.

Going back to the beginning, this is obviously the...

And then the...

Obviously the what?

The bouncy ball.

The bouncy ball and then the stethoscopes are one magnetically to the wall and then one to the butt.

And then tissue paper on the butt.

Beth, can you hold this for a second?

There's one part of this drawing that's leapt out at me.

I want to ask about that.

What is that sticking out of the butt?

That's tissue paper.

That's tissue paper.

I see.

Okay.

Yeah, you see it.

I see it now.

All right.

Well, this one.

He did go to art school.

Globe on its head and then the poster.

He should have gone to art school.

It's really good.

Are you guys, are you proud of what you've done here?

I think you should be, yeah.

It was your idea too, Beth.

Dear listener, you may be wondering what this looks like.

You will find out on our Patreon.

We'll put a post up explaining what this insane,

insane drawing looks like there.

It looks like a mutant.

It's so weird.

So here's what we're going to do.

It's you, BB, and...

You saw what we drew, right?

Yes.

Okay, I'm just...

You still think we need to roll after.

And what?

And what I'm doing.

When you're going to draw on a fucking nuclear submarine, I still make a roll to build it, Matt.

Give me a, let's see, what should we make this?

Probably like a spot hidden.

I assume none of you guys have anything in art slash craft.

That's a thing?

Yeah, that's under.

Oh, I do.

I have 50.

You have 50 in art slash craft?

I have 50 arts.

Yeah, I'm at 50.

15 or 15?

50.

5-0.

Perfect.

We're going to make this an arts and crafts role.

And what does BB have?

BB has five points.

I figure.

21.

Oh, super success.

Okay, that's good because BB got an 86.

BB got a 62.

You both were such a big help.

I gave the plan, but you guys really put it together.

Thank you so much, Rudy and BB.

Okay, great.

So this thing is built.

What kind of success did you get?

That's a super.

It's got 25.

Oh, you got a super success.

25.

So, yeah, exactly.

Wow, it actually shockingly even has like a bit of a Blake lively resemblance to McDonald's.

Oh, wow.

That's what I thought looking at the drawing that that made.

Yeah, you really captured Blake's dump truck ass with the big bouncy ball you put in there.

His arms do look like Sethoscopes.

That's dumb truck ass.

Watch it jiggle, jiggle.

Dumb truck ass come.

Watch it jiggle, jiggle.

Yes.

That's too much.

That's too much.

The next stages of our operations are going to happen at McDonald's.

Oh, yes.

Hell yeah.

Which means

I've got other things to take care of at the McDonald's bathroom.

The only thing we're taking care of is getting this monster.

Okay, then can I go to a different bathroom before we go to the McDonald's bath?

The way to McDonald's.

No, everybody, check your bodies.

Do you need to go potty now?

Before we go.

Let me get mindful.

First body scan.

Also, Blake and Francis, no words of, look what we did.

Oh,

Oh, that's John.

Oh.

Yeah.

Is this John?

You just keep saying, oh, over and over.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, so we're going.

That's where.

This is kind of the thing.

We're going to put it in the bath.

That's the thing.

Don't you want to ask the scarecrow if she needs to potty?

Because I did a body skin on her and or him.

Isn't it supposed to be Blake?

Yes, is this not supposed to be me?

Oh, yeah.

Look at the butt.

The resemblance just off his cat.

Look at that juice.

Yes.

Must be jelly because jam doesn't shake like that.

Oh.

Too bad McDonald's doesn't sound pew better because I would have myself a sandwich.

Francis,

I'm just so glad that you like our skin.

Yeah, I approve of it now.

All right, you're all buckled in and we're driving.

And as long as I don't hear another peep out of you kids, next episode, we're going to McDonald's.

Yay!

Mother, Mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

If you're looking to support this podcast directly, as well as get a dump truck of additional content in return, then check out patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

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Those are the two main categories of content.

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This is faster if you just go to patreon.com slash dungeonsandads and take a look at what we have on offer.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is RDM?

Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself.

Freddie Wong is Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

He did that opening as well.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

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Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing.

That Patreon I mentioned earlier, it's full of folks who put this show on their back.

People like Logan Borchard, Charles Saronson, Sonder, Lauren, Connor, Kengan22, Rumsey, Keaton Tremble, Impulse, Ben P., Delano Mack, Ty for the Mems, Chris Invid, Gianna Cook, Dumpling Defiler, Ryan Carroll, Hayes Finn, Chelsea Gelfer, Caitlin Lancaster, and Max Witt.

Join their ranks by supporting us directly on Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, merchand more at dungeonsandads.com, Beth's solo show, Beth Wants the Ds playing at the Hollywood Fringe and Edinburgh Fringe.

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And speaking of episodes, our next one is coming at you May 20th.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Hey team, I'm fucking proud of what we put together.

This pro not going to work.

I'm fucking

gonna fuck up and I'm gonna die.

I'm proud of what we put together.

What?

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