S3 Ep. 21 - The Son and the Fury

Thumbtack presents Project Paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow, and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell, me or the clawed sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then-Wait, why am I stressing?

I have thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Autos autos, Britannia's ass of course.

We've got all autos coming out for us.

Do pop in sharpish to Ottos Autos, for now is the winter of our discount event, made glorious summer by sales, sales, sales on Friskies, Illmans, Vauxhalls, Fairthorpe's and more.

Hey Gads, what van through yonder car lot brakes?

Tis the stately Bedford Dormobile.

This veritable landsman's yacht sleeps 10 and reaches a cruising speed of 50 miles per hour.

Once you let out the Tagalents, that is.

Whether you're off on your rolls to Cheltenham or rounding up your loved ones and fleeing from a malevolent doomsday cult, you'll feel like Lord Lord Nelson himself at the helm of this four-wheeled victory.

Yours for a mere 800 quid.

You're basically nicking it from me.

Have a gander yourself today at Otto's Orthodox, Britannia's house of cars, just off the Preston bypassing Soundsbury at the corner of Kilday on Spring, next to Gwex.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.

Not a BDSM podcast.

What the fuck is that?

It's not a BDSM podcast.

I'm excited to play

this year.

I'll do it.

This season, season three, the Peachyville Horror.

Call, you know who you sounded like is that this is going to be the deepest cut for no one, but there used to be a show called Boston Legal with William Shatner and James Spader, and all of the little interstitial noises they would do between scenes would be like a little guitar whale, like,

and then someone go like, ooh, yeah.

I love that shit.

I love when TV shows fucking make noises to tell you to be excited.

It helps me know what I should be doing.

Can we do one of those during the episode today?

Yer!

It always sounded like the guy just ate a really good sandwich, is what I thought.

He's like,

This is the Peachyville.

Sorry, go ahead for it.

This is the Peachyville Horror Soundboard podcast set in the Colin Cthulhu system.

This is an actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

I play deep thinking plumber Blake lively now last Blakely more leg man.

We'll see.

We'll see.

Last episode we learned that Blake is a rich man.

Now here's the thing.

Blake's master bedroom.

Beth, you'll appreciate this particular fact.

Wait, why?

Can I hear it first before I decide whether it is?

Despite being a rich man, Blake's bed in his master bedroom is in the corner without a bed frame, just the mattress on the front.

But I have a bed frame now and it's in the middle.

No, Beth, I would say you'd appreciate that because of the general quality of guys' bedrooms is shit.

Well, Beth kind of just told on herself a little bit.

I did.

Yeah, I did.

And so I frame because he thinks that all the bedrooms Beth goes to are just dumped.

Mentally executive trash man.

You know, Beth, like all the shitty guys go without Beth.

You know, I punch up, Freddie.

I punch up.

That's why I go home to my bed frameless existence.

We have no bed frame and quarter bed at home,

but not anymore.

I'm really moving up here.

Are you in the middle of the room though?

I'm in the middle of the room.

In the middle of the room?

How rich are you?

That's the richest thing.

That's the richest thing.

That's the richest.

Middle of room rich.

Middle of the room.

Middle of room rich.

It's the sort of rich you aspire to 300%.

I'm proud to say I'm touching only one wall.

Oh, there you go.

That's the fact.

Blake's bed is a mattress in the middle of his large room.

I like somehow it touches three walls.

Yeah, I like that.

Three walls is like you're in a tight spot.

Three walls, either you've got a huge bed, very rich, or a very small room.

I mean, even if you have a really huge bed, it's a very small room to be touching three walls.

It depends on how huge the bed is.

That's true.

I basically, in college, had a three-wall touching.

Hey, Erbain, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I've played

Kelsey Grammar, Beachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

And you know what she always says?

A teacher's job is never easy, but it could be a little easier if the parents did their job a little better.

Who does she say that to?

Dude, that's

fucking blenders this season.

Sorry, sorry.

She's been having parent-teacher conferences.

She's just in it right now.

She's just having a lot of time.

The fact that only like the son of a teacher took out a wave, I'm like, oh, let's see.

So the final sense, which I guess is the end of the season, is the last episode, right?

Because this is the last fact I got.

No, I remember the first time you did this, you started getting into weird, like...

off-brain like sort of like

senses like inner ear pressure

maybe i'll do that but um touch so her least favorite feel or touch is pretty common, I think, for a lot of people, is a paper cut.

It's just a feeling of a paper cut.

It's just extra because it feels like a betrayal for her.

Just a book cutter.

Yeah.

And then her best, again, this is nothing fast that she just loves, a weighted blanket.

Just nothing better than going home.

Well, did they have to have that?

Did they have those back?

Did they have those factors?

They just called you a pussy and told you to stop being so anxious.

You just put books on top of your blanket.

A blanket of books.

There's a weighted blanket.

There you go.

Do you think Kelsey dreams of like Scrooge McDucking into a pile of books somehow and like that working?

That's the quick way to get a bunch of paper goes through least favorite feeling.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth.

Woo!

God.

Oh, yeah.

I already hate this.

Francis's fact is that he loves his dad.

And I feel like that will be important to remember

as the episode goes on.

So what?

You love your dad.

Wow.

Good for you.

Bombstar.

You want me to save all of his favorite senses?

His favorite smell is coffee.

His least favorite spell is poop.

His favorite touch is Batitti, he imagines.

His least favorite touch is his own butt.

His favorite taste is chocolate.

His least favorite taste is shit.

His favorite thing to look at?

I feel like I know him.

His least favorite thing to look at?

Shit.

I feel like I know him better than I have

in all 20 of them.

His favorite feeling is his own butt.

Hold on.

He doesn't like touching his own butt.

Oh, his least favorite feeling.

Yeah.

I could dive in right now.

I'm diving in right now, and I'm going to tell you.

You sit back.

I feel like that was an Anthony fact.

That slipped in there.

I love touching my butt.

I would never say something that homophobic.

My name is Beth May.

Wow.

Everyone needs to supply their own sound effects.

And I play Trudy Trout, a robot, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child.

I'm going to take a little departure from the average Trudy fact here, which is it tends to be a robot or a technology pun.

I'm just going to explain why Trudy stole that wallet from that dead man.

Okay.

Ah, here we go.

And it's a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation.

And all reasonable explanations are prefaced by it.

You're going to hear this and you're going to be like, oh, that makes so much sense.

And I'm happy that she did it.

In fact, I'm happy that that's what happened.

So Trudy stole that man's wallet.

And that man had a name.

And I can't remember what his name is right now, but

we should

honor him by knowing, acknowledging that he did have a name and that he still has it in death.

So she stole that man's wallet because she saw his Diners Club credit card.

This was the first credit card.

And in knowing that women cannot open lines of credit, was committing an act of gender liberation.

And also, he had money and she wanted it.

Good for her.

Thus making it okay.

Thus making it okay because she saw the money and then she took it.

And he wasn't using it.

He's a dead man.

Yeah, good point.

Yes.

His name was Buddy Betts, by the way.

R.I.P.

and Peace.

R.I.P.M.P.'s buddy.

Hi, I'm Will.

Hi, Will.

Just Will.

Just Will.

Just Will.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just Will, and I'm just the DM of this humble podcast.

And I have a spooky ooky fact for all of you today.

I'm so excited.

Which is

foreign accent syndrome is a rare condition in which an individual develops a persistent foreign accent despite not having previously spoken in that accent.

And one of the many ways this can be caused is by brutal brain slash head trauma people wang their head really hard say on the ground after flying out of a window and they wake up with another accent i feel like freddy is getting a suggestion from the audience here so we'll see you know maybe we should have blake roll for a new accent all right let's kick it off let's get into this spooky adventure let's do it oh yeah

oh yeah

you guys ready to be scared as long as you remind us of where we are and what we're doing well i'm so glad you suggested that because i've once again typed up a little

bespoke recaps for all of my favorite people.

That's great because I'm my Audi right now.

I'm so silly.

Kelsey, yes.

After discovering your brother's diary in the confiscated document section of the Project Hardline Archives Department, you emerged at the Peachyville Public Library to discover a grisly site.

The exsanguinated remains of Buddy Betts.

Drunk, dry, and crumpled up like a human juice box.

The gruesome sight caused you to break with reality.

This reality, anyway.

Suddenly, you found yourself teaching class in an alternate Peachyville where the U.S.

lost World War One.

Seconds later, you were back in your own body, but still, what the hell is that all about?

That's crazy to lose World War One because that was not even our shit to begin with.

Do you not really use

that up?

Everything, you see these videos in the street?

We came in and lost.

We came in and we lost.

That's bad.

That's dealt a major blow to the National Counter-Strike game halfway through and be like, oh, that's like when I see a couple fighting, I'm like, hey, leave her alone.

And they're like, shut up.

Trudy, good news.

your son is safe and sound on the Mothmobile.

Bad news, Moth Jesus has flown the Mothmobile away on urgent business to Persikovograd.

Where the hell is that?

It sounds Russian.

I don't know.

Good news, you've got a big fat dossier from the Project Heartland archives loaded with information about the dollmaker that just might help you hunt them down and harvest their venom to cure your comatose son.

There's multiple doll makers.

No, just the one.

I just don't know that we defined the gender of the doll maker.

Bad news is that it's a thick file and it'll take some time to read.

Time that may be running out as the hour of the hole draws near.

Good news, though, you'll be driving around town in style in your brand new 10-passenger 1950 XX Bedford Dormobile.

Bad news.

Bad news.

Bad news is I flew out of it being silly.

Bad news.

In a valiant attempt to stop a squad of bisons from kidnapping local restaurant tour Tyrus Luo, you power drifted your new ride into the curb, launched yourself out of the window, and launched Blake Glively face first into the ground.

And oh, Marbles the Cat hates you even more now.

Blake.

Yeah.

It's okay.

Sleep now, baby boy.

Sleep and dream.

How dare you.

Francis, which is it, Francis?

Do you want to exercise Brunhilda, the malevolent spirit, haunting your car 98k rifle, or do you want her help saving your friends?

We're getting mixed signals here.

You haven't even so much as glanced at the book you acquired from the archives on removing curses from haunted objects, but you did manage to cut a deal with Brunhilda to shoot one tire out during your brawl with the bisons in exchange for a free murder pass on any wounded stragglers left over after the fight.

Probably seemed like a good deal until Trudy brutally gored one of the bisons with his own mask, revealing the face of Ed Farnsworth, your own father, who we've now canonically established that you love underneath.

Technically, the fight is still going on.

Freddy, I have good news for you.

Yes.

So I checked the rules and Blake Lively is in fact not dying because you never had a major wound.

And to die in Call of Cthulhu, you need to suffer a major wound first.

Otherwise, you just go unconscious.

At which point, someone can like kill you, but you're unconscious and you will desperately need first aid and medicine in order to regain consciousness.

But we can deal with that in a second.

It was the bison's turn because Trudy had counter-attacked them with this sort of stab move, which means it is now

Francis' turn.

Decisions, Francis.

You now see your father's face as like he sort of spits up blood and then collapses onto the ground.

Where's the van?

He's like right next to the van.

The van has not driven away yet.

Tyrus is in the van with the other two goons, and it's like, yeah, probably seconds away from speeding off because he's trying to get away from Kelsey yeah who is across the way driving towards him ready to ram into him in a moment's time francis is going to freeze completely I think he just spends his entire turn just looking at his dad in utter disbelief and is unable to move dang yeah what's his face look like dude what's his face look like his face goes from confusion to complete blankness like he's not there anymore poor little boy a little too much for him to handle what's his dad do he's unconscious he's unconscious he passed out idiot

kelsey it's now your turn.

Shit talker.

What I'd like to do is just try to stop the van from leaving.

Are you trying to like ram it and knock the engine out?

Are you just trying to block it out from the front?

Is there anything else around it?

Is it like that storm room?

Like it's touching three walls?

Or is it just like two walls?

Or is it like the rooms of the people that Beth has sex with?

Like if I just get in front of it, could they back up?

Yeah, there's nothing behind it.

Okay, yeah.

I'm going to try to like do like a little pit maneuver-esque thing to kind of like smash the front of it.

You're going to try to ram the front, like the engine out of this.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hopefully spin it, break its wheel.

ramming the front of it from the front is not a pin i understand i understand in that case give me a vehicle handling rule a 58 and my vehicle handling is like a 70 something if you remember it from last time you gun the engine this guy's trying to start the engine you see him and he sees you and then you slam straight into the engine of his car with the bedford dormobile nice so now we got to see how much damage that did to both the cars we'll call this a severe incident okay you're gunning into this other car right yeah i mean i'm trying to hit my corner of my front of the car into their like wheel wealth.

We'll call it a moderate incident then.

Roll me a 1d6.

A moderate incident is like when you have dinner at your parents' house.

A three.

That's going to be the damage that the Bedford Dormobile takes.

Okay.

Which fortunately does not bang it up too much because this thing's probably got like a...

Yeah, in seventh edition, I think Dormobiles have 42 HP.

And you feel this for you stat heads out there.

A Bedford Dormobile has a build of six.

Wow.

So that's about half its HP.

Okay.

It is now impaired.

It's pretty fucked up, but it's still drivable.

The Goon Squad van that you've rammed took a full six of damage.

You absolutely obliterated the engine of this thing.

God damn, dude.

What a trailer moment.

Yeah.

You know, I was going to be in the trailer for this episode.

Fucking car crash.

I love when the TV shows when the only show comes.

I should have thought of that.

That would have been much more useful than what I did.

The good news is there's more cars across the street.

No, you don't need to do another one.

You're good, Trudy.

It is now Tyrus's turn.

The van got jostled.

The two guys are in there.

They've all gotten kind of knocked around.

So he's going to make a break for it.

So we're going to give him a strength roll with advantage to bust out of here, which he fails, unfortunately.

He runs for the door and they grab him and pull him back in.

The guy's trying to start the engine and realizing that they're totally fucked.

So they're all starting to freak out in there.

It's Milton and BB's turn.

The dream team.

The dream team.

Milton and BB are just going to spend their turn running back over here, seeing their comrade, Blake Lively, down for the count.

They'll be able to move next turn.

Trudy is now your turn.

Blake has like a head wound?

Blake is unresponsive and lightly twitching.

Yeah, he's gotten wanged up pretty bad.

I'm gonna roll...

Do I have better first aid or medicine?

So you do first aid first to stabilize them and bring them back to consciousness, and then you can do a medicine roll, but that takes like an hour, so you wouldn't be doing it in combat.

That makes sense.

Well, I'll roll first aid then, and I'll take like my apron off and put it under Blake's head.

What's your first aid?

It's only 35.

That's about right for taking off an apron and wrapping it around someone's head i fail i got 74.

how do you fail bad not which doesn't do anything just doesn't do anything you're still well you know you're more comfortable uh yes but you're still unconscious

it didn't change the function but you're slightly less likely to go into shock now oh excellent would you like to do anything else you can move that'll count as your action but you can move somewhere if you'd like so real quick just move away from them well hold on yeah we've killed out their vehicle right yes so it's ride or die at this point you've cornered either we get out of here or we kill all re killers so i think we should try and there might be a different outcome.

There's a father here now.

Maybe you can talk it out.

He's unconscious.

Okay.

And how many other people are outside of the car?

All of them are in the car other than the guy you just stabbed.

Two of them are probably going to be coming out pretty soon.

They're stuck in here now.

They're feeling like this is going very badly for them.

Damn, right.

Well, I mean, I think that would be advantageous if they came out because then that would be one less person watching Tyrus.

That's true, too.

Okay, so Trudy's just going to yell like, your leader is hurt.

Don't you want to come see if he's okay?

Okay, I like that.

We'll get to their response on their turn.

Blake, it is your turn, but you're unconscious.

What are my gameplay options in this fun environment I find myself in?

In this little theater of the mind prison.

You know what?

Give me a...

Is his brain doing anything?

Is he thinking in there?

He's a very deep thinker.

And now I'm in deep sleep.

So the thoughts are...

Is this episode in the first season of the award-winning Spartacus, where the main character is just asleep the whole episode because he's really hurt.

And in that episode, he just thinks about like everything that's happened in the season and he figures out the mystery.

Is that like a clip show?

No, they don't.

It's not a clip show.

It's actually a pretty cool idea, but it's like he wakes up and he's like, oh, shit.

That's the guy.

Oh.

So

can he be thinking?

This is going to represent whether Blake is able to jumpstart his own mind right now.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

I'm going to give you a math problem and you're going to do it in your head.

IRL math problem.

I'm going to give you, we'll say one minute.

Okay.

43 times 17.

43 times 17.

Well,

43 times 17.

40 times 17.

17 times 4.

Esther, please put some like beautiful minds in your Jesus.

But like dumb sounded.

3 times 17.

Yeah, like a Goliath 320.

50,

28, 4, 1.

8, 68, 43 times 17, 680.

3 times 17

34,

3 times 17, 21, 51,

right?

So 51 plus, what was the shit, what was the first number I had?

680, I think.

Yeah, 680 plus 51 is 731.

You got it.

Yes.

16 seconds to spare.

Wow.

Blake Hardley springs back to life with one HP.

I'm back.

Boop, beep.

You're back, baby.

With one HP.

With one HP.

I'm very impressed by the math skills.

All right.

What are you going to do, hot chat?

Ow!

That's the first thing I'm going to do.

Okay.

Blake jumps awake with a big ow.

Now, here's a question.

How many more bullets do I have in my gun?

Oh, I forgot you had a gun.

Are you still holding on to it?

Yeah, dude.

How many bulls?

In a 1911, that'll be eight plus one, Will.

Okay, so eight plus one 45 ACP rounds.

You have eight bullets.

Tony, keep one in the chamber.

Tony would have loaded it up as as much as he could have.

Okay.

But shot once.

Yes.

You have eight bullets left.

Who's closest to me?

Everyone that is alive is in the car right now.

I'm a little dazed.

I'm a little out of it.

I'm sort of literally seeing that everyone's in the car and they're trying to get away.

What are they trying to do with the car?

One of them was frantically trying to start the car to no avail because the car has been blown to smithereens.

The other guys are freaking out inside.

I deserve what's going on.

Freddy, much like Blake, has only just started paying attention to the events of the show.

I thought I was dead.

And I had to do a hard math problem.

Now I'm here.

So just like Tom Hanks and Saving Private Ryan, Ryan, when he's like shooting at the tank, I want to sit there and just like

raise the gun and just like plug at their car.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay.

You remember that?

Yes, I do remember that.

But I want to be aiming at the people in the car.

Oh, yeah.

We assume that.

One of them is the guy you're trying to save.

Blake, I think you should really stay down.

Shut up, Trudy.

Well, there's a lot of people in the car.

There are.

One of them is someone you're trying not to kill.

I guess I look.

Gay, baby.

All right.

Roll the dice.

Roll the dice, baby.

You're not looking in the car.

You're just firing at the car.

Let me pull up the scene from Saving Private Ryan.

Here, let me just get on to the whole YouTube.

Tom, Tom shooting at a tank.

Movieclips.com.

Tom Hanks shooting at a tank is sort of like me trying to convince Freddy not to do something stupid.

A lot of jerky Germans because they shot at a high

undergray Freddy.

It's a real jerk.

Jerky Germans.

Tom Hanks.

Not looking good.

Not looking good.

He's back to a motorcycle.

He's got his 1911, just like Blake.

Wow.

He does not see anyone.

He's just shooting at the...

No, but his eyes are open, dude.

Clear eyes.

Clear eyes.

Freddy, what is this supposed to help you do?

Stop the bad guys.

No, what is watching Tom Hanks do this?

It's just...

We all understood what you're doing.

It's just...

I just wanted to revisit one of these.

We were at comic performances.

You just wanted to watch a function.

We weren't questioning.

I don't think Will was questioning what you're doing.

He was just clarifying that that is for sure what you want to do because there's the person we're trying to save inside.

So here's what we're going going to do: the car provides two points of armor for the people inside.

So, the first thing you're going to do because you're just taking a shot on this car is roll a damage roll for me for a cult 45 that is 1d10 plus 2.

Fuck yeah, what a powerful weapon, as it should be.

Dangerous, everyone.

1d10 plus two.

You're right, guns are dangerous.

Two plus two, four.

So, you're gonna show.

That's an easy math problem.

Two plus two.

Try to think of how to do this thing randomly hitting someone.

We'll give everyone a number.

Roll a d6.

Oh, a D6.

That's good.

Cause there's four in the car.

One and six will be nobody.

Tyrus is going to be five.

And then the other three are going to be two through four.

I just feel like I'm rolling a five.

Does he ever get that feeling before we roll a dice?

You're just like, I know that a five is all right.

Roll the bones, Freddy.

Rolling a one.

Three.

A three.

There we go.

One of the guys who's already injured, the guy who shot the first time.

And so you hit him again.

So he is looking really bad.

It's like, basically, you shot him in the leg, and now he's got a bullet in his other leg.

Life finds a way.

He screams.

Trudy was like your leader's outside, and you hear one of them go, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Everybody just wait.

Okay, we're waiting.

And then you hear a gun click.

Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Pretty Litter.

Wait, guys, I got one for you.

Okay.

Pretty litter.

My cat's got a pee through.

And it's not smelly.

Pretty litter.

It's soft on their paws.

Stays fresher for long.

Roy Orberson uses pretty litter.

And Roy Orbison.

If it's good enough for Roy.

It's good enough for me.

And pretty litter helps monitor Roy's cat's health by testing acidity.

I didn't say Roy Orbison's cats use it.

I said Roy uses it.

Pre-litter helps manage Roy Orbison, the name of my second cat, health by testing acidity and the alkalinity levels in the visible presence of blood in your cat's urine.

I don't know if I need pre-litter to help with that.

But I'll tell you what, them crystals are safe for cats and people alike.

They ship to your door free.

So you got to carry it.

How much would you charge someone?

How would you charge yourself to carry it from your car?

How much would I charge myself?

Think about it.

Think about it.

I am thinking about it, and it doesn't make sense.

The ultra-absorbent formula uses less material than clay litter, reduces waste, saves money.

Ideal for, you know, apartments, busy lifestyles, or multi-cat households.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Right now, you can save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy at pretty litter.com slash dungeons.

Technically, you get two free cat toys because you you also get the box of the pretty litter.

Yeah, you think they're playing around with that?

Pawn around?

Looks like that's a toy right there.

Pretty litter.com/slash dungeons to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy.

Pretty litter.com/slash dungeons.

Up new disclaimer: Ooh.

Pretty litter cannot detect every feline health issue or prevent or diagnose diseases.

A diagnosis can only come from a licensed veterinarian.

Terms and conditions apply.

See set for details.

Dungeons and Dies is brought to you this week by Shopify.

Ching, it's time.

It's time for you to sell merch.

Dude, I don't know a single person on earth who doesn't sell merch.

When it comes time to start an online business, moving physical or digital objects, Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S.

Wow.

From names like Mattel and Gymshark, they say household names.

I think Mattel's a household name.

I'm not sure.

Gymshark.

Good gift for Gymshark.

Getting in that sentence with Mattel, dude.

That's like when they say Freddie Wong and Matt Orn.

From household names like Mattel, Gymshark, and Dungeons and Daddies to brands just getting started.

You can get started with your own design studio with hundreds of templates.

You can get a word out like you got a marketing team behind you.

Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling.

And yeah, best yet.

Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and everyone's tax rates.

That's important.

Oh, yeah.

That's built in.

You don't have to figure that out.

It's in the Shopify.

Anyway, we use Shopify.

It powers our online store.

Everyone uses Shopify if you want an online store.

Turn your big business idea into

with Shopify.

This New Year's resolution, you know, why not start one in August?

August.

Start a store.

Start a store.

Just do it.

Sign up for your.

You don't need an idea or a product.

Just start one.

Here's what you do need.

$1 a month.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Daddy's.

What am I going to sell to get that $1 a month?

Go to shopify.com slash daddies.

shopify.com slash daddies.

It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market.

Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.

Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Enjoy quick breakfast for less with 365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts.

Sock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

He says, I've got your guy, okay?

I don't know who that is.

Tell him who you are.

It's me, Tyrus.

I'm just the guy who owns this restaurant.

Please, I don't know what's going on.

Can you just please let me out here?

Shut up!

And he whips him on the head with his pistol.

Tyrus, you are between me and a perp.

Who the fuck is this?

Who is this?

Who are you?

I don't know who you are.

Ow!

A perp.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

You hear the bison, you know, nervously trying to take control of the situation.

Here's the deal.

You give us our guy, and we'll give you your guy, okay?

Well, why don't you come get your guy?

No.

No.

No, he's right out here.

I have another deal for you, courtesy of Samuel Colt.

I roll down the windows.

I feel like I'm on the other side, and I go, hey, roll down your window.

No!

What?

Can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you.

Oh, okay.

We don't want you to know what's going on in here.

Look, we're freaked out.

Just get out of here.

Yeah, we just want the man.

Okay, we'll give you the guy.

We're going to give you the guy.

You got to give us our guy.

Okay.

No, you can trust us.

Who said no?

So Francis, just coming into like full consciousness of what the situation is, knowing that your guy is referring to his dad just says no.

If he can see somebody through the windshield or wherever he is in relation to the car, he's going to aim his gun at somebody who's not his dad, but is one of the best.

Francis, tying your shot with mine.

Wait, wait, no, okay.

You two.

Francis, what's going on?

That's my dad.

The second you say that, you hear a voice in the back of your head say, oh, that is your father?

Your injured father lying unconscious on the ground?

And you promised me I could shoot one of the people that was dead at the end of this?

Give me a willpower roll.

You're going to have to make a hard roll for this.

Ooh, I got a five.

Oh, wow.

Okay, great.

You see her arms wrap around you and try to whip this gun towards your father, but you're able, despite having promised her this kill, to stonewall her and keep the gun.

Not right now, bitch.

You promised me a kill.

I did.

I did a promise right this second.

Be patient.

Jesus.

We still might kill my dad.

Francis, you may want to go with them.

I'm aware.

That's why I'm saying he can't go.

Excuse me, sir, in the car.

Yeah.

So that's his son.

You're looking at dude.

Is that Francis?

That's Francis.

It's a complicated situation.

This is a misgrammer.

I'm sure I teach your kids.

There's no childless people in this town.

So I'm not top one of your kids.

So look, why don't you just give up Tyrus?

No, I don't think so.

I feel like Tyrus is the only...

We're not going to do anything.

Just give up Tyrus.

This has been going around murdering our guys for like a week.

Francis is going to shoot at the nearest guy.

He's tired of talking.

And I believe the range they are at makes it point blank.

That's a thick, heavy round, bro.

The car 96.

Give me another hard will power roll.

My glass is going to fucking go red with blood.

96, very much the opposite of my last round.

Oh, no.

A fumble.

A fumble.

Fumbo.

You're like in an arm wrestling match with Brunhilda for control of this gun.

And then when you decide to shoot this guy, to focus you're on aiming, you relax your resistance to her for just a second, and the gun snaps to now you're now aiming at your father.

And she said, I said I want my kill, Francis.

I don't fuck with those shitty guys in the car.

I want him.

I want to make you suffer, Francis.

I want to taste pain.

You can feel your finger curling around the trigger as you're staring down the barrel.

The iron sights are pointed right at your father.

Big ol' open sight picture on that one too, dog.

I still got my gun.

You guys all see Francis do this by the way.

Yeah, Francis, focus.

I'm trying.

It's not me.

It's the gun.

It's Brunhilda.

What?

Did I not tell you about this?

Yeah, my gun talks to me.

Look, we don't want anybody else to die.

We have a crazy child out here.

That's his dad.

Does he keep pointing the gun at his dad?

Yes, there's no telling what I might do.

We are willing to execute a hostage.

Are you willing to do the same?

No, don't say that.

We don't want to say that.

I don't think any

more blood should be spilled.

Trudy, we've dealt with people like this in the war.

There is only one way.

Oh, we're not in a war.

We're in Peachyville.

We are in a war.

We are in a war for our survival.

Shots and blows have been exchanged.

And I think it should probably end here.

Let's just talk.

Bring out your guy.

Oh, so you hear this hushed whispering inside the cart?

We have you surrounded with two guns.

All right.

Here's what we're going to do.

Okay.

We're going to come out with our guy.

And we're going to walk away.

You keep keep Ed.

We're going to walk away, but you try anything.

This guy's brains are getting blown all over his restaurant.

Okay.

I mean it.

Why are you taking it?

Wait, you're walking away?

You're taking him with you?

Yes, we're taking him.

The whole reason we came here was to get him.

Why?

Why?

I'm not telling you shit.

Tyrus.

Tyrus, you want to go with that?

You can't get me that easy.

I don't, I just, I don't, I don't want to.

You see, Tyrus is just like, oh, look, just don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't take me.

Don't let him take me.

Gentlemen, we're not going to let you take him.

You don't need to tell him that.

Let's just fucking talk.

Team huddle, team huddle.

They need this man therefore they must believe that this man's probably on the fucking registry for the potential seeds yeah well we could have we could we could have exchanged him

we can eliminate him and take a tool away from our enemy

i'm also one of the potential seeds so i don't really want to set that precedent oh yes that and blake This man is just a restaurant owner.

He's an innocent man.

This man gave me food poisoning

one year ago to the day.

Oh, but you didn't die, Blake.

The day of the running toilet.

Okay, I want to try to do a persuade roll.

Okay.

I'm going to say, look, Eric, calm down for one second.

This is the situation, and I wish it wasn't this, but it's very simple.

You have a war veteran who's itching to kill somebody and a child who's willing to kill his father.

So I think these are the two options.

Either the guns go off and a lot of you are going to die.

It's not going to be me.

I'm in the car over here.

So

I'm just letting you know.

A lot of you will die.

Or you leave Tyrus alone and you walk off and you fight another day.

Those are the two options.

If you say no to that, they're going to start shooting.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Give me a persuade roll.

I got a 55 and my persuade is 55.

Whoa, I'm a dot.

Do I need to spend one luck or is that right?

If it's

so you hear, again, more angry shouting inside.

Like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

All right.

We're coming out.

Okay.

Miss Grammer.

Yes.

I knew you knew me.

You know my kid.

I'm not going to say who my kid is.

Okay.

But I know you don't want them to be an orphan.

No, I know.

Well, some of them.

And we had a parent-teacher conference last week.

Oh, that narrows it down.

That.

It went very well.

Oh.

I thought I said good things about you to the principal.

So

keep that in mind.

If you try any funny business.

Were you going to rescind your shit?

Okay.

The principal.

The nice thing you said to the principal.

You can't rescind stuff when you're done.

You're about the principal's shit.

You see the door crack open.

Okay, just leave Tyrus in there.

We're going to come out with Tyrus.

Okay.

We're going to walk to the end of the block.

Okay.

With him.

Okay.

And then we're going to round the corner and we're going to go.

At what point do you let go of Tyrus?

Well, at the corner.

Okay.

Before you round the corner.

Before we round the corner, we let go of Tyrus, okay?

Okay.

Yes.

You're scared?

Yes, I get it.

You don't want us to shoot you.

We're not going to shoot you, but do what you need to do to feel comfortable.

Everybody's fine here right now.

And let go of him before you round the corner.

Oh, we will.

Don't let Miss Grammer know that you're bad at geography.

I would like to roll with the information that it was last week.

It went well.

And I can tell the size of the person.

I want, like, what would I roll to be like, I think I should be able to narrow this person down and the voice.

I love that.

History, knowledge.

Like, what?

That's so funny.

I feel like you can make an argument for it being a no roll or anything.

I think it's like it's just like a no, yeah, like in general intelligence.

I'm like just figuring it out.

Process of

intelligence.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

This is also something you can research later if you would like to.

Uh, I'm gonna have to spend one luck because I want to know who it is.

So, I got a 71 and I have 70, so I lost one luck.

I'm down to 47 luck.

All right, you tell me who it is, man.

Damn you.

What?

What?

Is that

you gonna let him know that you know?

Don't.

Hmm.

I know who that is.

You know what?

He's got a really funny name, but I want to say it out loud.

I look at my fellow teammates.

I give them a look.

I'm like, I don't know who that is.

She knows who that is.

So if you guys, you know, do something, any funny business.

They are backing away.

So they're outside the van.

Yeah.

Yes, they're outside the van.

New deal, motherfuckers.

I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

There's no way it was.

Leave the man here or all of you die on the spot.

I have more than enough bullets to end all of you.

Your entire family line is over.

Well, they have guns too, right?

You're not thinking clearly.

They have guns too, right?

Yes, they do.

Yeah.

Let them walk off.

Well, one of them has a gun.

One of them has a gun.

The other two guys have brass knuckles.

Not a lot of held the brass knuckles from over there.

You're pointing your gun at the guy who's holding Tyrus.

Yeah, who I assume has a gun.

I want to intimidate him into dropping Tyrus.

Okay.

I have a 42 on Intimidate.

I think I have a pretty good shot.

We're going to call this a disadvantaged role.

Why?

I have a gun.

Because he's coming out of this car.

He has a human shield.

You're bloodied and dazed on the ground.

He's as likely to shoot

you as the other way around.

So, yes, to paint the picture, they're all lined up behind Tyrus.

One of them is carrying the guy with two hit points, the guy you've shot twice now, who's bleeding.

Ask him.

They know how a gun works.

Yeah, but that guy knows that.

He's got the gun up to Tyros.

Give me a roll with a penalty dice.

98.

A 98.

Yeah.

Here's what it is.

After my head injury, I'm seeing double, and they look over at me, and I'm just pointing at the double, which is just like 40 feet to my right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, okay, drop it to Buster.

Yeah, right.

They start backing up.

While they are doing that, Francis is just pointing this gun at his father.

I'm just pointing that at him.

He's about to make a roll.

Trudy is going to,

yeah, step in front of Ed.

Oh, okay.

Oh, you're just going to step in front.

I'm going to go Pepsi.

Like Pepsi.

Like the Pepsi commercial.

Like a Pepsi commercial.

Exactly like the Pepsi.

You're going to hand me a Pepsi and it's going to end racism.

Exactly like that.

So you step in front of Francis.

I'm in front of Ed because Ed's closest to me.

Okay.

But I can't shoot Ed without shooting you as well.

Yes.

Oh, Toufau Von.

Very interesting.

Very interesting.

You might want to move.

I don't think it's going to change my mind.

Well, not my mind.

Brunhilde's mind.

Well, I think that, one, did you say that Brunhilde wants innocent blood?

Yes.

I'm not innocent.

I stole that man's wallet.

I stole it.

She seems pretty innocent.

I stole it.

I left my family.

I left my family.

I left my son.

She also inertia.

She murdered her husband.

He was like basically completely inert and she could have let him live, but she killed him.

Yes, yes.

and plus who knows if you shoot me it probably won't even get to ed he'll probably be fine yeah she's made out of metal francis do you want to get rid of that gun i can't my hands are tightened around it i can't let go of it but you you want to right of course kind of brunhilda's like hmm

i'm going to take my chances frances give me a willpower roll we're gonna say it's a regular role this time because trudy has stepped in front of her and is basically saying that she's not a great person so her sort of bloodlust is a little tamped down.

So she's not forcing this quite as hard as she would have been a second ago.

I got a 36 and my willpower is 40.

Ooh, okay, just barely.

While you guys are doing this, you see the bisons disappear around the corner, and true to their word, they leave Tyrus behind.

Oh, Tyrus, you want to come with us or you want to just run home?

He runs over and he goes, oh my God, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Look, free food for life, all of you.

Seriously, are you hungry?

We can eat right now.

Careful, do not trust his lies.

Lake, what's going on?

Tyrus,

you owe me a refund.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I was the well, my butler came and got me a Chinese feast, a succulent Chinese meal.

And now I had food poisoning.

Well, that couldn't have been for my restaurant.

It was the only food I had eaten.

I don't believe you.

I don't think that that's real.

But regardless, I, you know.

We could staying here, though.

It sounds like

all these guys are.

They just grabbed me.

They just, I opened the, you saw everything.

BBZ on the list.

She thumbs through.

through she's holy yeah here he is look she shows you and you see his name on this list of seed candidates on top of her own it's under francis's yeah well that's just a list of names i'm just curious if they're going in order or it's just a if it's just a random like whoever is it an ordered list or a no discernible oh so you're saying is this like a

iraq war or deck of cards is it priority like who's got the best swimmers list who's the best seed most eligible seed candidates america's next top seed candidate draw whichever conclusions you wish from it.

Okay, Mr.

Luo,

I feel like you probably shouldn't stay at your restaurant.

It's hard to explain everything, but those men, obviously, they're very dangerous.

They want, she looks at Francis and kind of leans in and whispers, your seamen.

Do you want my seminar?

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It's a lot.

All the more reason you don't want to be here, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Do you have any family in a different town?

I mean, no, I'm out here by myself.

I

find some.

I'm trying to,

you know, I was hoping to to start a family out here, it was kind of my dream.

Just for your own safety, I would leave and then maybe you know, check in in a little bit

weeks

because we can't protect you, we can't like okay, and the cops are in on all this.

There's a lot going on, you're right.

Hey, and Kelsey, thank you.

You're welcome, and I gotta say, your food's never gonna be food poisoning.

I think Blake's just having a, yeah, I don't know what his point is.

You sure you don't have any allergies or anything like that?

I just've never had complaints about this.

That's because those you have wronged never come back.

So, does the butler still work for you?

Yes.

And does the butler have any reason why he might maybe want to get back at you for something?

No, I saved his life.

He is my closest friend and ally and potential other character I might play.

So that would be a really big shame if he didn't like you and wanted to hurt you somehow.

No, he and I are cool as hell.

Okay.

Are you sure I can't get you guys out?

Would Alfred try and fucking do anything bad to Master Wayne?

No.

No.

Yeah, we'll take some Okay,

all right, great.

Well, I'll just load you guys up.

So he prepares just a succulent Chinese meal for you.

Eating it for 10.

Get your hands off my penis.

Yeah, for 10.

Great.

Yeah.

Get your hands off my penis.

He just runs into the back and throws some stuff together and gives it to you.

He is going to get the fuck out of town for your suggestion, Kelsey.

Cool.

Hey, wait a minute.

We told him we can't protect people.

Maybe we should tell our families, et cetera, to also just get out of town.

Oh, it's not a bad idea, actually.

Well, let's go get them first.

Okay.

When you guys turn around,

Francis is sitting crisscross applesauce in front of his dad, and he is staring at his dad's unconscious form and silently loading shells into Brunhilde.

What makes a great pair of glasses?

At Warby Parker, it's all the invisible extras without the extra cost.

Their designer quality frames start at $95, including prescription lenses, plus scratch-resistant, smudge-resistant, and anti-reflective coatings, and UV protection, and free adjustments for life.

To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses, or contact lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head over to WarbyParker.com.

That's warbyparker.com.

Oh, Tyrus, really quick.

Yeah.

Do you have like a padlock?

A pad?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

It's like one one of those shutter things that closes up the restaurant.

So yes, he gets a padlock.

What do you need a padlock for?

Can I have it?

Okay, yeah.

I mean, sure, you saved my life.

Here you go.

I have the key.

I want to put the padlock through the trigger guard

and lock it so you can't pull the trigger.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

Francis, what is he doing?

What is he doing?

If you don't want me to do what I'm about to do, then we'll fix it.

But I think if I tell you, whatever is happening, we'll stop it.

And I quickly try to grab the gun and put the...

Look at my funny face that I'm making.

I feel like if I saw you coming, I would like, again, still staring just at my dad.

I like raise the gun up and point it upward at you.

Okay.

Like a back off lady kind of thing.

Well, Francis, you're not going to shoot your favorite teacher.

I'm just here to help you, right?

He does the thing where like you continue to look at something and turn your head until the very last second when your eyes move from his dad to you.

And he looks you dead in the eyes and there's just like nothing there.

It's like a void.

I'm going to signal to Trudy, you got to grab the gun so it's not pointing at me.

This is all I'm signaling.

It's just woman's intuition between us.

i want to try to make it so that you hold the gun in a way that's not pointing at anybody while i quickly padlock it okay again around the trigger guard give me a persuade roll for that 34 out of 55.

what would i oppose with psychology because like i know yes give me a psychology roll perfect I have an 80 psychology and I rolled a 46.

Okay, so it's a normal success.

Ooh, the same.

In order to keep the gun pointed at you, I think Francis is in a space where he's so pissed and like dissociating that he wants to deal with his dad in his own particular way and doesn't want to be interrupted.

Okay, so you're pointing the gun at Kelsey right now.

Francis, you hear in your head, what's she doing for Seth Lock?

What is she trying to do?

You better tell her to back off, little man.

Is it going to work?

Tell her to back off or I start shooting.

Yeah.

Hmm.

So Francis' face softens a little bit and he looks up at Kelsey and is like, she seems pretty scared about you putting the lock breaker.

So it'll actually work.

Make a hard willpower roll.

My pal is a 40.

I got a 10.

you feel brunhilde who is starting to get scared because yes this is going to work because she needs you to pull the trigger of the gun in order for it to go off you once again feel your finger curl tight around the trigger but you're able to just hold her back just barely so now give me a sleight of hand roll for putting this lock on i'm not trying to be sneaky with it can i do a forceful sure yeah in that case give me a strength roll to gain control of the gun okay great

Wow.

A one.

You got one?

All right.

You know, like in the movies, when the guy's like, you're not going to shoot me.

And he walks up and he just snatches the gun out of the guy's hand.

You wrench Brunhilda out of his hands and slap this lock around the gun.

And with a one, dude?

It's like you see me like push the barrel away and you don't quite see what happens.

It's kind of like the gun feels like it spins away, somehow's in my hand for a second, then back in Francis's hand, but you look down, the lock's just on it now.

And you're like, what happened?

And in your other hand, a can of Pepsi.

Army drill sergeants that are like

always looking at each other's rifles.

like

i love when they go really fast and they stop to really stare down at one part and then they're fast again i love it to clarify the padlock is a big piece of metal that's just behind the trigger to jam the trigger for being able to pull

mechanical object so what i would like to do is stand up throw brunhilde to the side

and walk over to my dad okay and try to slap him awake basically i think we can let francis talk to his dad now that he doesn't have a gun okay

step back and let the family should we take the gun?

Uh, I think it's on his back already.

Is it just back on him?

Right?

Doesn't it warp back?

You got it for now.

It hasn't warped back yet because you've got a good grip on it.

Francis' dad is dying, just so you guys are clear.

He is bleeding out.

He is not going to wake up because Francis, or I guess as you slap him, you sort of see him like stir a little bit, Anthony, but then you just sort of see him cough up blood.

You realize there's quite a bit of blood pouring out of his stomach as well.

I want to really quickly give Trudy the key to the padlock.

Okay.

Just, you know, eat this or consume, you know, hide it in robotics.

Okay.

Well, just so nobody can get it, but maybe we need need it at some point.

I'm just saying, you do whatever you want to do with it.

You hold on to it.

Okay.

And I eat it.

Like the sewing needle.

Yep.

Team, what are we going to do?

We got to help Francis dad out.

Francis, should we tie the dad up?

No,

first you have to heal him.

Yes.

Really?

Heal him, huh?

Blake won't be needing this apron anymore so we can put it under Ed's head.

At that point, BB comes up and is like, Francis, stand back.

I think I can help.

I have a first aid field dressing merit badge for my time in the scouts before they kick kick me out.

Just stand back, and I think I can get him stabilized, and then maybe we can get him to a hospital or something like that, right?

Yeah, and scouts were hardcore back then.

They went to World War II.

Francis steps back.

We know the cops are kind of in on this, but we don't know about the doctors, right?

Dr.

Manwaster.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Can't even trust the doctors in this town.

So BB has a 75 in a

charge.

She's a scout, dude.

She knows what she's doing.

So we are going to give her a that's better than a lot of doctors

nowadays, too.

Shit.

She got an 88.

Oh,

that's so Phoebe, you got to use some luck.

Oh, oh, no, this is bad.

I know.

I mostly just learned how to treat like sprained ankles and stuff like that.

This is pretty far beyond me.

I think we need to get him somewhere now.

We need to go to a hospital or something.

That is a lot of blood.

Okay, well, we have a van.

Okay.

Yeah, let's take him.

You guys are the adults.

I'm just a 12-year-old.

What do you think we should do?

Yeah, let's take her to the hospital.

Francis, are you okay with taking your dad to the hospital?

Yeah.

Is that one of our actions?

Remember, we're in an action.

That's going to be your second action.

This will be afternoon action.

Actually, action economy.

Into the car.

Wait, wait.

Are you sure, Francis?

Because saving your father is going to be one of three actions that we have to this day.

Just think about the action economy in this game right now.

Okay, we'll do it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Francis just like stares at his dad and is not looking away from him.

He goes, I'm going to save my dad.

Okay, yeah.

Let's get Francis.

Wait, hear me out.

Blake.

They know that we have this man and he is injured.

Yeah, we don't know.

They will be looking for the hospital to get him back.

We need him alive.

How do we do that if not in the hospital?

If we find find a veterinarian at the zoo.

At the zoo.

Okay, I don't think vets are just at the zoo.

Yes, they absolutely are.

Yes, they are employed.

What they like call is I get that Z is at the end of the alphabet, but the functioning of a well-managed zoo involves caretaker staff.

How big of a city is Peachyville that we got our own?

I feel like the Peachyville zoo is not vet run.

It's like a goat and somebody's bet rabbit on A Street.

Like, it's not like a zoo.

Wouldn't a regular veterinarian just have more experience with traumatic injuries?

I don't think elephants are getting shot or stabbed.

Unless everybody bring him to the hospital.

Before you do that, everybody give me an education role.

We don't need to stay at the hospital.

Frances, we're going to take him to the hospital.

He'll be saved.

And if the bison find him...

I'm going to come with him.

Oh, okay.

Well, education role.

I fail.

I succeed.

I fail.

I pass.

27.

My education is 80.

You guys both know that there is a terrific vet in town.

If you guys would like to take him to a vet instead, because you do know that a prominent doctor in town is part of the bison cult.

I'm just putting that out there.

What should the vet's name be?

Dr.

Dog.

Dr.

Woman.

Dr.

Dogg.

Sally Dogg.

The local vet.

Sally Dog, cat clinician.

And she runs a cat clinic on the other side of town.

She has a sign that says, I don't do dogs.

It's just my name.

And you know that she's got great reviews.

Well, listen, I think vet makes sense because it's kind of low-profile.

We won't, you know, cause a such a ruckus as going into the bottom.

I've trust people.

You're right now, Trude that you're right.

Lake, I was disagreeing with you, but after a little bit of an education, I think you're right.

We should go find a vet.

There seems to be a good vet here.

Ed's a bison.

That's an animal.

Oh, God.

All right.

Let's get him to get him over there.

You pile into the car.

I went ahead and gave Ed a constitution roll so he did not die on the way over to the vet, which is great.

Is there anything happening in the car?

It's like intense blood going everywhere, and you're like, keep it together, dad.

I got so much I gotta tell you.

Uh, no, it's absolutely not.

Like, okay, it's just very quiet with a small squelching sound as he bleeds.

It's quiet.

There's a squelching sound, and you cannot tell.

Again, Francis's face is blank.

I'm driving so much better this time.

You're doing great, Trudy.

Does anyone want to give another first aid role to

you guys can try to all do it if you would like?

I'm just saying, someone here has one health.

Is BB with us?

Bibi is with you.

Oh, BB, why don't you give it another shot?

You got the 80 first name.

BB, look at me.

Okay.

Hey, you're always one of the best students.

Of course, you're wonderful.

And look at you.

You're still, you're still just striving to learn.

And I didn't know you were that good at being a doctor.

So, I mean, maybe this could be a career for you, but give it a shot.

I know this is a high-pressure situation, but you can do it.

Bibi steals herself.

She is going to make another career for her in the 50s.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nurses in the 50s.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, baby.

Bibi got a 93.

This is why men.

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

I really feel like I'm making this worse.

Let's just get to the hospital really quick.

Okay.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

So you roll up to over on, we'll say G Street.

Oh, not doctor.

A vet.

Yeah, she's got a vet salary, not a doctor.

Cat was sick in the 50s, and you didn't just shoot it.

You were probably pretty rich.

So

G Street.

Actually, I just saw an article about how like cat health has been a mystery for so long.

And we've just seen like an uptick in people like caring a lot about their cats and wanting to make sure they live long, healthy lives.

So it's like cat technology has come pretty far in the last like five to ten years.

Yes.

You pull up to the offices of Dr.

Sally Dogg, veterinarian for cats, the Sally Dog Cat Clinic.

Let's go in.

Meow, we've got an emergency.

But it's not, it's not a cat.

Yeah.

Knock out.

Boom.

So, yes,

the door opens, and a beautiful 50-something dark-eyed woman

stares at you.

No, she knows it.

And she says, Yes.

We have an emergency.

I think Francis just like picks up his dad as best he can and just starts like marching into the vessel.

Oh, I see.

We just push in.

May I help you?

Not me, him.

Him.

And me.

And

it's like,

we just need some help and we can't go to the doctors as a lot of people.

I don't die if you die.

Okay, yeah.

We don't.

No, we just want to.

Surely you have sutures and band-aids and gauze.

Dr.

Sally

looks at all of you and you see just a hint of tragic mystery in her eyes.

And you clock that this is not the first time Sally Dogg has.

This is not.

Sally Dog may not do dogs, but she has in the past done humans.

Oh my God.

I have to roll not to fall in love with Sally Doggy.

Chelsea leans up and it's like, don't play games with me.

I can tell from that look in your eye, you've done this before.

And Sally Dog just sort of casually and calmly pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.

And she says, If you know, can I have one?

Can we all use like a smoke actually?

She lights up a cigarette and then does that sexy thing where she puts another one in her mouth and she lights that one up.

And then

she sticks it in Blake's mouth and then like strokes his hair.

And that'd heal, right?

No.

What do you mean?

You just look cool and you're attracted to this sexy doctor.

Yeah, but in the 50s, when you smoke cigarettes,

she takes a puff and she says, if you know so much, you know also that such services do not come for free.

And she puts out her hand.

Yes.

Payment.

What do you want?

Kelsey pulls out.

Oh, we can do a credit rating for $1,000.

What's your credit rating, Kelsey?

Actually, here we go.

I have $40 in cash.

I have a spending level of $10.

I have cash, $40.

I have assets, $1,000.

And my credit ratings are so clear.

She takes you $40 and she thumbs through and she says, I have a stranger's wallet.

Oh, yeah.

What's in it?

Let me look.

Oh, there's a diner's club card, right?

Oh, yeah.

We do not take diners' clubs.

Is there cash in there too?

There's cash.

Give me a.

That's luck if if I've ever lucked roll.

All right.

38.

I'm hemorrhaging luck.

Oh, I got a 20.

Cut to that morning.

Honey, don't forget to bring some cash with you today.

Oh, yes.

Thanks for reminding me, dear.

Let me just stuff it full of cash.

Give me ones, fives, tens, and twenties.

Give me two D10s.

Okay.

You're just going to do this like a regular roll and just read the numbers off.

And that's going to be the amount of money it is, like any other roll you do.

10.

Nice.

Three.

So that's 33 bucks.

13 bucks.

In 1933.

Oh, 40.

That's 53 bucks.

Sally Doggie.

He reads through the money and says, this is about $698.61 in 2025 money.

What a weird way to measure things.

It's odd.

Well, I hope you live that long.

Bring him into the back.

Gregor.

And then a big guy named Gregor comes out of the back

and he just sees this bleeding eye guy and he nods and then he goes to wash his hands.

Oh, wow.

That's a good sign.

Yeah, they wash their hands.

We found Hattori Hanso.

So we will say that while Dr.

Silly Dog, my favorite NPC I've ever come up with, oh, and she did real good on her.

That's the first aid role.

So he stabilized.

Great.

So he's got one HP.

And then.

And if you could help out our friend Blake, that'd be good too.

Oh.

Medicine role did not go well.

Ah, good.

You have practice.

Now use me.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I gotta let me, just give me, give me a, give me a second.

Will is

Will needs to play an entire doctor's game by himself.

I know.

And tell us what happened.

Will's pulling out a copy of Operation.

I can have a conversation with my fucking dad.

Basically, after two hours, you guys are out in the waiting room of this now closed cat hospital.

Did I get any painkillers?

Yeah, there's cat painkillers.

Cat tranquilizers.

Oh my gosh, I'll get some of these to marbles.

He's gone.

What do you mean he's gone?

Not gone, gone.

He's oh yeah, Bibi, where did Marbles?

I threw marbles to you.

Oh, yeah, I got him right here.

Marbles is in BB's backpack.

They're like,

Marbles, here's...

Okay, here's some some tranquilizers.

And people love these.

Why are you giving her tranquilizers?

She's just a cat.

She's fine.

I love the little pills that make me go night-night.

And I was wondering if Marbles would too.

As this conversation is happening,

the door to the back swings open and Dr.

Sally Dog.

No, she's in her.

Cat.

Do vets wear OR scrubs?

Yeah.

Okay, she's got her scrubs on.

Yeah.

What do you think?

They like dress like teachers with like little cat patterned outfits.

She takes her mask off and lights up another another smoke.

And she looks at you, Francis, and she says, The patient would like to see you.

Francis wordlessly gets up and heads into the OR.

Oh, me next.

Me next.

Francis, do you, are you, do you need any?

I'm good.

Okay.

All right.

We'll be here.

Yep.

Trying to give Marbles something to calm down.

Is there anything you can do for Marvel so that he

likes me?

Marvel's looking at Trudy and he's like hissing, right?

She's like hissing.

And then Kelsey wants to like stand between to like block the view of Trudy.

And does Marbles calm down?

Yes.

And then I step away and she can see.

Okay, I think we know how to calm her down.

You just can't be in her life anymore, Trudy.

Blake, as Frances walks past you, she looks at you and then motions for you to follow her into the operating room.

We'll be here if you need anything.

Blake limps off bleeding.

Wait, really quick, Miss Dog.

Just while this is happening, so we can be doing two things simultaneously while that conversation.

Dr.

Dog, Kelsey.

Dr.

Dog.

Dr.

Dog.

While it's happening in there, which I'm sure is going to be a wonderful conversation.

Can't wait to hear it.

Can Blake be getting medicine?

Yeah, that's what she just said.

She's motionless.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening.

Thank you so much.

You're a good doctor.

You are a good teacher.

Oh, thank you.

But you're not a very good learner.

Pay attention when people are speaking.

Okay, I take that criticism to heart.

I'll think about that.

Thank you.

Francis, you enter the sort of back operating room.

You see your father bandaged up, ragged as hell.

His shirt's been sort of stripped off, and he has, like, over his bandages, you see a burned spiral scar.

It's the same scar that you got from the two shadowy figures that approached you while you were astral projecting.

They burned that symbol onto your wrist.

And he looks at you, and you see a sort of apprehension in his eyes, and a little bit of fear as he really does not know what to make of the fact that you've seen him now like this.

Francis is going to take out his ice cream suit.

Francis, are you okay?

Francis is going to approach his dad.

Look, son, I can explain.

I didn't want you to find out like this, but your mother and I, we have...

It's so complicated.

I don't even know.

Francis raises the ice cream scoop to his eye.

Look, Francis, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Tell me everything.

Okay.

Okay.

I will.

I will.

In World War II, as you know, I was injured.

I came to learn things about

the way the universe is and the way the world works.

Strange things.

I got a book that taught me how to see beyond my body, how to see beyond myself.

And I saw amazing things, Francis.

I learned about things beyond this world, beyond our reality, beyond the veil of stars.

And I know this is going to sound like a lot coming from me right now.

This is a whole side of me that I you haven't seen before, but you have to trust me that I'm still your father and I still love you.

I saw things.

in the war.

I saw things beyond our world and I saw your mother.

She was a traveler too, just like me.

She had found the same secrets, just like me.

You have the same gift that we do because we passed it on to you.

We made sure that you would have the gift.

This sight, this ability to travel.

It makes you special, Francis.

Like it made us special.

Like how we found each other.

And we saw so many amazing things out there.

And we saw incredible sights and gods of amazing power and terror.

And we fell in love.

We fell in love actually out there before we even fell in love in real life, before we met each other.

Why are you working with the bisons?

I'm sorry, I'm getting a little derailed here.

I know this is a lot.

Your mother and I learned that this world is doomed.

We learned that this battle that's been going on between these gods out there has been going on over and over and over again, on world after world after world, and it's come to our world.

And everyone on this planet is going to die, except for one person:

the person who inherits Zuzel, The person who becomes his mortal form, who becomes this god, who becomes this warrior to fight in this battle that's been going on and on and on.

Your mother and I were just two crude little chunks of meat, just like everybody else on this dirty, filthy world, this lousy, rotten world of ours.

And we saw a chance for you to have something better, for you to have something more, to become a part of something great and powerful and vast and beautiful.

So we took it.

By peering beyond the site, we were able to see what was going on here at Project Heartland and we insinuated ourselves into this town.

We made contact and we joined because we knew that if we pulled the right strings, if we nudged people just the right way, we could make sure you were the one, Francis.

You were the one that you could survive.

The seed thingy?

Yeah, that you could become this demigod, that you could become, you have such a bright future.

You're such a beautiful boy.

You have such a kind heart.

You have such a kind soul.

But we know that this world is so hard and so tough and we just want you to survive.

And this is the best way we can think to do it.

Francis furrows his brow and pulls his arm back with the eyescamp scoop in it.

And he sort of looks at his knees, doesn't make eye contact with his dad as he's talking.

And he says, this whole time, I've been trying to figure out who I was.

And now

I think I know.

And he's going to scoop out his dad's eyeballs.

Whoa!

Okay, yeah, you don't have to

roll for that because he's in a frail state.

Do we hear?

Yes.

You guys are in the middle of sweet talking marbles and then you just hear,

oh my God.

Francis, what are you doing?

Kelsey's going to run in.

So you run in and you see, paint the picture for me.

When you come into the room, Francis' dad is grasping at an empty bloody eye socket, screaming his head off.

Francis has, you can see what looks to be a bunch of viscera and maybe what's noticeably an eye in his uh ice cream scoop and he just upends the scoop and it just plops down to the ground and he turns and sees you guys and he says

they're monsters

my parents are monsters

they're okay with ending this world and they wanted me to be a monster like them Oh, okay.

Oh, Francis.

Oh, no, son.

We love you.

We love you.

We want you to live.

Shut up.

Shut up.

You're all going to die.

Don't you understand?

Don't you want what's best for him?

He's a child, god damn it.

He's a boy.

Okay, Francis, let's go.

Come with us.

Son, son, son, please.

Please, son, Francis follows.

Come on, please, son.

No, don't.

Oh, and he just collapses onto the ground because he can barely walk and his stitches burst open and he starts bleeding again.

And he starts crawling towards you.

He says, Come back to me, son.

It's going to be okay.

You just got to trust mommy and daddy, okay?

Francis slams the door shut behind him.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Thanks for listening and thanks for watching.

By the way, those of you who have gone out to your local theaters to watch We're All Gonna Die, the strange theatrical rollout continues this week, week four, We're AllGonnaDieMovie.com for more information.

If you want to support this podcast directly, you can do it on our Patreon starting at five bucks a month.

There are many benefits, but someone who actually pays for YouTube premium, no ads.

That's my favorite one.

It's just raw content straight from our audition timeline into your ear holes.

You also get an entire extra show, our after-show discussion for every main feed episode.

It's called The Peach Pit, as well as bonus mini-series, ongoing series such as Kingdom Dad Monster, where Matt is the DM and we play one of the weirdest and wildest board games in his extensive collection, Kingdom Death Monster.

The lore is very deep with this one.

You can get all that and more starting at just five bucks a month at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer.

Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashin Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Els is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provides additional editing.

Kevin Kemp was the voice of the Auto's Auto ad, and this show is supported by people with names such as Sunrap Sella, Mayor Pater, Mark Pearson, Lark Spur Hadley, Mushwich, Mackenzie Sullivan, Christine Lopez, Luca Guttengeber, Jared Ultramike, Benjamin M.

Meissner, Jen Niraj Edward, Naomi Fazikas, Anders Silverplatz, Joe Chamberlain, Torrey Brock, Alexa Carrera, Paige Anderson, and Molly.

Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads, merch, and more at dungeonsands.com.

We're all gonna die still in theaters.

We're all gonna die movie.com.

And our next episode is April 8th.

We'll see you then.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Can we have a scene with Dr.

Dog and Blake in the other room?

Sure.

Sure.

Okay.

Dr.

Dog, it's been a long time, baby.

Don't worry about the screams in the other room.

Come closer.