S3 Ep. 20 - Them’s the Brakes

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Eight

six

four

two

one

nine eight six

Farnsworth Lu

Collins Anderson Gilpin

Time O300 Authentication Foxtrot Wilco hey what

somebody else somebody else

I have to go on a trip, can't be late.

Goodbye.

I have to go on a trip.

Can't be safe.

Goodbye.

I have to go.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, not even a DD podcast this season.

The Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday Schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

What is the etymology of schmo?

Shmo?

Where does schmo come from?

It sounds

words

watching me.

Do you want to open this

do you know you know what i don't want to know i don't want to no one tell me no one tell me anthony put your phone down i would guess i just want to know yeah i would guess it's you know i know no no you know anthony look at me it's not a slur i think it'll be safe it's actually pretty fun oh is it so it's from the yiddish schmuck

and schmuck obviously means you know a contemptible or foolish person and schmuck itself comes from schmuck which is also yiddish which means penis oh it's pretty funny i was calling somebody a dick oh it's fun Four everyday cocks.

Oh, my God.

Four cocks.

This was like in a movie or something when I was growing up.

I thought that schmock was the part of the penis that is circumcised and kind of removed.

Kind of removed?

Circumcised is either removed or removed.

Do or do not, Beth.

There is no trouble.

That is not true.

Can you all look up Shmo, but spelled S-H-M-O-O, which is what I did.

Shmoo?

Shmoo is a schmoo.

Because there's a little character from the 1950s called the Shmoo, and it kind of looks like a walrus crossed with a dick with legs.

The schmoo?

If he's from the 50s, maybe the schmoo will make an appearance this season.

He would fit in the thunder.

Oh my god, look at this guy.

He fits in Cthulhu.

Look at this guy.

All right, all right, all right.

I play Blake lively deep thinking plumber, handyman, extraordinaire.

That doesn't matter now because I just learned that scumbag is a 1920s target used condom.

Yeah.

Scumbag.

There's a bag full of scumbags.

That rules.

That rules rules.

What were you saying, Freddie?

Scum.

It would be more obvious if it was just a scumbag.

That's how snakes.

Well, that's how they get you, Freddy.

Yeah, that's what snakes call it.

I always thought scumbag was one of the more hard-hitting of the G-rated insults.

Now, it definitely does.

We know why we know why.

What about Poopy Face?

What about Poopy Facebook?

Did you just say, Freddy?

Don't even say that.

I played Blake Lively, deep thinking plumber and handyman.

Jeez.

Blake Lively has, as we've seen, pretty massive fighting troll skills, physique, all that stuff.

Where did that come from?

Well, from a very comprehensive weight training program, which involves Blake lifting rocks.

That's it.

Rocks.

Blake lives rocks.

Yeah, but

Will.

The rocks get bigger as time goes on.

Okay.

How big is that?

What kind of rock?

How big is he working with?

What's he at right now?

He's at.

What's his personal rock best?

He's at the gray one in the field by his house.

How big is this one?

How big big is it?

Pretty big.

It's about this big, man.

It's about this big.

Is it big enough for like kids to hide behind?

Like, do the kids have a name for the rock?

That's how I judge rock sizes.

Like, if it's a named rock, that's a big rock.

If there's a name for the rock, it's a big rock.

No, he's not at the named rock size.

Okay, he's not named rock, yes.

I've seen plenty of small rocks have names, like pet rocks and etc.

Yeah, so you have pet rocks in the 50s.

That wasn't a thing yet.

That was a 70s invention.

Dang.

Really?

Fuck, dude, Beth.

You look so stupid right now.

Whatever, you poopy face.

Oh, hey, whoa.

Oh, my God.

You're going to the special.

I did not know Beth was going to be the first one to get canceled.

I did.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's snappiest and happiest school marm.

And you know what she always says?

Every child has the capacity to be everything.

So support and encourage.

But also, everything can mean some pretty bad stuff.

So be on the lookout as well.

Always got to be on the lookout.

That's sound advice.

I'm on the sense journey.

So we're going to do favorite taste.

And least favorite taste, the least favorite taste of Kelsey is her sister's Roz's hamburgers.

You know, Kelsey loves a hamburger.

And Roz makes, unfortunately, the worst burgers.

They are too large.

They are overcooked.

She puts the ketchup on for, I don't know, it's just garbage.

It's garbage.

It's like those big restaurant burgers that you have to unhinge your jaw.

Yeah, she's overcooked.

Cut it in half.

And she doesn't toast the bread.

Like, it's just all, it's just a mess.

It's a bad burger.

That's one of the worst feelings in the world is, is when you're you're sitting down to a burg or a hot dog, and then the bun, because it's like a crappy bun, starts to crumble in your hand.

Yes, that's it, like literally so dry it crumbles.

It's embarrassing, too.

It's like, oh, I couldn't keep it together, but it's like, no, this isn't my fault.

Yeah, you're getting meat frames and ketchup.

Someone with a shame kink, I like a crappy burger.

We're on the same page because you know what's the other problem with that type of thing.

I feel like you guys are sub-tweeting someone, right?

No, no, no.

With that type of friend, putting a friend who does bad burgers on blast.

is it me did i cook a bad burger notes bad no not at all me and freddie no no and this is why we worked so well together it's like freddy understood my mumbling to understand exactly the type of bread i was talking about and the worst part about that crumbly bread is also there's a thin layer of sog yeah because that bread is so bad that it sucks up the ketchup so it's got soggy and it's the worst

unfortunately the favorite taste is her brother-in-law's Niles burgers.

It's the thing that he makes

perfect burgers.

She's rolling the dice every time she comes up.

She's burgers.

And it's also a point of contention.

She's got to pretend to like it both ways.

But yeah, Niles makes the perfect burger.

The perfect burger.

It's a smart burger.

It's just perfect.

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid with a sentient gun.

Oh.

And a friend.

A guitar ergo gun.

Francis' peachy fact is that he has had a reach around.

He was at a Sadie Hawkins dance.

He had gotten a note from Carly saying, hey, will you go to the dance with me?

It was the happiest day of his entire life.

They said, meet me at the dance.

So he went to the dance alone in his dad's oversized tuxedo that didn't fit him at all.

And he he saw Carly coming towards him, and he was so excited.

He's like, Oh my god, she's gonna give me a kiss, she's gonna say something to me.

And then she reached around him and grabbed a bowl of punch or a cup of punch that was behind him, and then went back to her boyfriend Shane, who was staring at Francis the entire time.

You can't recognize my handwriting.

I like that.

I want to stick with what you first said, though, and that she grabbed the bowl of punch.

That was a named bowl.

That was a named bowl.

She's like, kids are hiding behind that bowl.

The cool kids are taking this bowl.

Yeah, this bowl is ours.

damn i'm sorry francis did you ever excuse you shooting a kid i just want to clarify oh yeah sure i'm going to be doing an hour of stand-up at the lyric hyperior hour

i know what are you a fucking what the fuck are you talking about in an hour long said what the fuck have you even done a type five in public i've done it to people that love me that will never tell me if it's bad

wow it's going to be probably pretty funny

an hour

tattoo of stand-up yes I'm going to do it or I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to half-ass it by doing it correctly.

Guys, I get it.

I need to know when.

So it's going to be Sunday, March 23rd at 9.30 at the Lyric Hyperion.

9.30 p.m.

at the Lyric Hyperion.

Hey, it's Anthony.

So actually, the March 23rd show is sold out, but there is a March 26th show at the same venue, Lyric Hyperion, at 9.30.

And as far as I know, there's still tickets available for that one.

If you want to come and like stalk me, that's probably the most convenient way to do it because you you know where i'll be at that moment that's snug as a bug at a rug hours 9 30 yeah on a sunday it's a good chance that nobody will be there which will be great because then i won't be bombing till people who matter just my loved ones god damn anthony i appreciate your zest and verve for life yeah quick question quick question for you yeah because i know this now there's a pattern when you go you go you go hard yeah back tattoo it's an autism thing it's zero or a hundred there's nothing between zero or a hundred no one between let me have a question though having done this now a few times once with your back

what's what's your conclusion here?

Are you like, this is good that I go hard?

Or are you like, dang, this is maybe I should not go hard?

Is your therapist like you're susceptible to black and white thinking?

Yes.

That's on my family crest.

No, it's a bad idea.

You should not go zero to 100.

I can't even pretend that there's any time where it's ever really worked out for me.

Not once.

Really?

No.

Life is about gradations.

Very few things are all one thing or all another thing.

So the fact that I can airline things.

Exactly.

I'm trying to force the world into my black and white view, which doesn't work.

Anthony saw Fast and the Furies.

He was like a quarter mile at a time.

I'm cowards.

No mile or full mile at a time.

Yeah.

For this guy.

Real question.

This hour of stand-up.

Yeah.

Is this an hour of stand-up that you change the font to like 14-point font to get it to an hour?

Or is this like an hour stand-up that was like, ooh, God, I got so much I got to trim it down to an hour?

I will tell you.

I have another question.

Okay.

I'll do his first.

So God's honest truth is, I've written about two pages since I timed it last, but when I timed it last, it came out to 23 minutes.

Oh, my God.

So I have a lot of stand-ups.

I either have a lot of stand-up to write, or it's going to be fine because I'm just going to be pausing, waiting for all those laughs to die down for 40 minutes.

Do you have a poster for your act?

Yeah.

Okay.

Who's opening it?

That's fine.

And then Anthony.

Do you want to see it?

Do you have an opener?

I think she wanted to make it.

Oh, do you want to make it?

Yeah, I guess I'll see it, though.

No, no, no, make it.

Make it.

You make it.

That'll be more fun.

Who's opening it for you, Anthony?

Do you want to?

No.

Then no one.

You're just going to rock off.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, can I open for you, like, as a character?

Can I just come up with a character and open for you?

And I'll do two minutes.

Yeah, that's great.

Oh, yeah.

You can do 40 minutes.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The opener doesn't take away.

Anthony, when you do an hour stand-up, the opener doesn't cut into your hour.

The open stoppage and then you do an hour.

That's how it works.

Shit.

I really can't fuck with the margins.

Was there a name for the show?

Is it my first hour of stand-up?

It's called Anthony Birch Tries Stand-Up.

Oh, okay.

Anything.

Actually, no, I think your one is better.

My best.

My first

hour of stand-up.

It's going to be look like a storybook on the poster that I'll design.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll send you the dimensions for what it needs to be.

Yay.

Well, good luck, Anthony.

Bon shots, mom and me.

Hey, you guys, I don't know if you should actually go see Anthony's show, but I heard the opener is killing.

Check her out.

Hi, my name's Beth Mae, and I play Trudy Trout, homemaker and and robot, and mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact.

What fresh hell have you for us this week, Beth?

This one is like a little bit of a collab.

I outsourced my talents to Matt this week.

We kind of worked together and came up with this one.

So

enjoy.

So Trudy actually quite liked the experience of inhaling all of that mist last episode and holding her breath.

You know, with that interest combined with her love, or not love, but her interest

in moth Jesus,

you could say that Trudy is into auto-emothic asphyxiation.

That took two people, huh?

We were working around the clock.

We almost didn't get it done in time.

You should have hired a third person just to say no.

Bethany is the funniest one you've ever talked about.

Hi, I'm Will Campos.

I'm a joker.

I'm a smoker.

I'm a midnight toker.

I'm looking, dude.

I'm a DM on the run.

This is the show that we do.

And my dad fact for you all is that in bird collections, skin specimens prepared without bills are often called schmoos.

I love that.

It's like a

schmoo looks like a beakless bird, I guess.

I don't know.

I'm looking up schmoo facts.

And this is the creepiest one because it said skin.

I don't know, Anthony.

It's one of those like HB Lovecraft's always been like, hey, man, like, you know, the scariest thing is not knowing something.

Yeah.

And, like, you know, so this is like a fact where even I, the author of it, don't know what it means.

Skin specimen is definitely like the anti-cellar door.

Like, that's a very disquieting pair of words.

It really rolls off.

I bet you they just do it for birds to be like, will this fry up real good?

Also, in medicine, the schmoo sign refers to the appearance of a prominent rounded left ventricle and dilated aorta on a plain AP chest radiograph, giving the appearance of a schmoo.

Saying something so scary that you can't describe it is kind of like on reality shows when the guy's always like, I just love you so much, I can't put it into words.

All right.

Do you guys want to do a podcast so scary we can't even describe it?

Yeah, let's do it.

We're pretty deep in the season now, guys.

It's episode 20.

And the plot's getting kind of complicated.

I wrote some little recaps for each one of them.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Trudy, your son is lying in a coma on Mothman's spaceship.

His brain, your son's, and yours, are coated with a weird science goo made from the venom of an alien called the Dollmaker.

If you can get a big dose of the venom from the dollmaker who has escaped the clutches of Project Heartland and is now running among in the town of Beachyville, Moth Jesus can hopefully use it to make a cure to save your son.

From the library, you got a big fat dossier on the dollmaker containing everything Project Heartland knows about it.

Francis, a lot's been going on lately.

Your beloved Car98 sniper rifle, Brunhilda, has come to life and she's been whispering murderous thoughts in your ear.

You also recently discovered you have the ability to astral project while you're sleeping.

While doing so, you encountered sneaky Pete as well as a couple of creepy sleep paralysis demons who burned a spiral scar into your flesh.

Also, while visiting Shane Sr.

in a dream, you managed to accidentally convince him that you are the one who shot his son's leg off, which you did.

From the library, you got a book on how to remove curses from haunted objects such as Car 98k rifles.

You were also surprised when BB revealed that she found your name on a Project Heartland list of Zoozel seed candidates.

Kelsey, Kelsey, the mystery of your brother John's fate has taken yet another turn.

First, you seemed to save his life by warning him in the past of his death in World War One.

But then, while in the Maz Jesus goo tube, you found yourself trapped in a looping series of memories where the details of John's death, both the battle and the nature of his wounds, were constantly changing.

You were rescued from this loop by Zuzel, who whisked you off to his sexy gothic interdimensional castle, where he showed you a version of your true self, of which your consciousness is merely a fraction.

Having perceived the true nature of all that is, Kelsey, you were able to unlock a message that your brother is hidden in the memories of his old charm bracelets.

Wait, so if my brother didn't die in the war,

does that mean Don Draper doesn't get to start his life over?

Oh my god.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Dang, this whole thing takes place in the Draperverse.

That was the twist.

You were able to unlock a message that your brother is hidden in your memories of his old charm bracelet.

The following sequence of charms.

An eyeball, a compass, a peach, a bison, an hourglass, a lock, and a skull.

So it would appear your brother is alive after all.

But then, while exploring the library, you came upon a book called The Diary of John Grammer.

Why does Project Heartland have your brother's diary?

And why was it in the confiscated documents department?

You'll have to press on and read the diary to find out.

Blake Lively.

Ah, the best for last.

Dog, you're good, man.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Fantastic.

When we last left our group, you had escaped a spooky library with some fun books.

You discovered a torn-up man on the ground who said that he got dunded by a spooky, indescribable alien known as the dollmaker, who apparently ripped into

the situation.

We are outside the library.

Well, no, actually, you guys didn't leave the library because you were all still peeking out the door of the library to see this.

The three Stooges.

The four Stooges.

Also, Milton and Bibi are here.

Beebe got the list of Zoos LC candidates, and Milton got a weird, creepy book that seemed to freak him out that he hasn't shown anyone yet.

And outside, you saw the two guys you stuck in the big pile of goo who've been ripped to shreds by this monster known as the dollmaker.

One of them whispered that to you right before he expired.

We'll say it's like dawn is just starting to crest and peek out from behind, you know, the old

horizon.

Oh, hello, Dawn Draper.

I closed the door because we saw these dead people.

I was like, Trudy, maybe you want to call him Moth Jesus?

We We should probably, maybe can you like drop a rope ladder or something for us?

Ah, yes, let us return to the airship.

Yes,

that's kind of the only place I feel like we might be safe.

Okay, yes.

I wonder if he gave me a way to communicate with him.

This was so silly of me not to have worked out beforehand.

I was just so enjoying our time together.

Oh, it's okay.

I could astral project and look for him if somebody can like knock me out real quick.

As you say that, you hear a knock on the door.

The library's closed.

Uh, hello, ma'am.

Telegram.

Telegram for for Trudy Trout.

A telegram?

What?

What's going on out there?

What's with these guys?

It's a dopey team from the local Western Union office.

Slide the telegram under the door.

Are you guys okay here?

That guy looks pretty messed up.

Your job is to deliver telegrams.

Okay, I'm just gonna all call the police.

You didn't call the police yet?

Do I need to go?

Yes, they're on their way.

They're on their way.

It's all good.

Give me a persuade roll.

No.

No, no, no.

Ooh, 11.

And let me look at what my persuade is, though, before I sell it.

My good.

My fast talk is good.

11 is great.

You're probably.

Unless you don't have any persuade.

No, I do.

I have 40.

So everything's.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

And my persuade is 55.

It seems kind of shady, but yo, it's against the law to lie to a member of the Western Union office.

Here you go.

And he slips the telegram through.

You roll persuade with that.

Guys, we just committed wirefraud.

I think it's illegal to talk to people from the Western Union office.

So you're saying you could be lying to me right now.

No, I just said I don't know.

Trudy, take the W.

Take the W.

Okay, yes.

And I take the telegram.

The guy runs off, terrified.

And I read it because I can read now.

The telegram says, To Trudy and Trudy friends, Moth Jesus urgently needed in Percy Kovograd.

Timmy safe and stable.

Moth Jesus shall return as soon as possible.

Hart MJ.

Holy shit, he's turned it all in one sentence with no one sentence.

No stops.

Holy show.

How quick do we think as soon as possible is?

I don't know.

He's not from our world exactly, so time might work differently.

And I need to see that.

That's probably an episode, right?

At least Rudy.

An episode of One Mission.

An episode of One Miss Curtis.

Romanic episodes.

A murder, murder, murder.

Exactly.

At least four hours, children.

It is unusual that those episodes are so long.

I got a fill in three murders.

I got so much.

Sorry.

Wait, I'm so sorry.

What were you saying?

Well, it sounds like we need to find our own transport, children.

Yes, Mr.

Lively.

How did you get here?

Oh, well, it's quite a tale.

Ah, Milton, you are an idiot.

BB, you are the smart one.

How did you get here?

Excuse me, sir, Mr.

Lively.

I know you and I have worked together on many cases in the past, but Milton is an associate of mine now, and he's as capable of telling the story as I am.

Well, except he has no eyes.

Well, what does that have to do with anything?

You have no heart, sir.

And she kicks you in the shin.

The eyes are relevant.

It's okay, BB.

It's okay.

The visual details of how you got here.

It's okay, BB.

You can go ahead and tell the story, I guess.

And so BB says, well, let me tell you, it's been quite a tale.

First, because you guys told me to go hunt down Milton here, I tracked him down to the Anderson Ice Company, where the Anderson gang had him tied up.

So, of course, I snuck in and busted him out.

And then, we heard about this huge fire at the bunker.

We went there and discovered this crazy lab complex underneath.

We met this dog, this crazy dog named Arlo.

I mean, anyway, we got this cool spell book from him.

And I learned a couple cool spells.

And Arlo told us that all of you guys went to the research lab.

So, I went down there trying to find you.

All of us, we didn't have Tony.

Oh, where where is mr clinton i thought he was with you is he not with you no where's mr clint where who

ah maybe he's back at the car lot okay well maybe we can look for him maybe we can find him i'm sure he i mean i hope he got out right he got out he he's a yeah he's a pretty streetwise kind of guy i'm sure he's fine oh yeah he had two broken legs he had two broken legs yeah just saying last time i saw him i forgot about that i think we should go to the car lot because the tension of whether or not tony is still alive that's all i'm focusing on too much for

We have to go see if he's alive.

Okay, well, yeah, we can go check on him.

We can go check on him for sure.

Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm sure he's fine.

And that will be a great place to get in a car.

Get in a car.

And we can go to the other places we need to go.

Okay.

Do you guys want to go now?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you were telling a story.

I was.

Yeah, I kind of was.

I was kind of telling you.

Yeah, go ahead.

So we went down to the research labs and we found this whole world of Bigfoots down there.

And we told them that we were looking for you guys.

And they were not happy about that.

So we were like down there for what seemed like weeks.

And we managed to escape with the help of like this swamp thing monster guy and we started a revolution down there anyway long story short we got out just in time to see truly's house blow up so we ran in there to see what was going on then we got captured by brian and those guys and then we were about to get sacrificed and that's how we met up with you so we did ask how you got here though specifically like vehicle wise so no car you don't know

no no no no car no car oh you just walked we got captured we got captured by and they had a car

there we go again there's your car okay well and i i think that's the car we came in right over there and she points to i guess we could just shut the keys The car that we slashed the tires to?

I remember leaving one with tires so we could escape if we needed to quickly.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, that's the whole situation.

And Milton was really brave and he helped us out a lot, didn't you, Milton?

Thank you.

That's what we did.

I'm sorry about your eyes, obviously, but I'm glad you seems like you found a friend.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I did.

I guess it was all worth it.

Well, no, I'm so sorry about what happened.

I think we should get the kids to maybe my sister's house.

I want to go home.

Okay, yeah, let's get you home, Milton.

Can you take BB?

Bibi, you should probably...

Who should?

These kids aren't going to be safe at your sister's house.

What?

My sister's the nicestly.

But your sister's connected to you and they're looking for you.

They're also looking for the kids on their own.

Are you saying my sister's in danger?

Yes.

We're safe then.

We got to get Milton and Bibi and then my sister and yes, we got to get the car and then collect every single NPC

and put them all together in the car.

I was about to ask what we should do next but that seems like the best thing to do next then yeah this station wagon seats many ah we could give these people and entrust them into the care of tony how many cars are there here we can each crazy taxi it

that's what i call my fun

idea a taxi that's crazy that's wild yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

okay so your son's safe that's good that's what it said yes we have two of the keys right?

I look at the D, I'm right.

We have two keys.

Wow, that's right.

You guys already got two of the keys.

That's great.

The library.

The third key is with whoever is the leader of the containment facility.

Because it was said the three directors each had a key to this weapon that will destroy the mother of Zoozel, which is what we all want, right?

Yes.

I think.

Yeah.

Okay, well then, yeah, that's where the third key is, is containment, which, if I remember the sign correctly, was at the zoo, the Peachyville Zoo.

With the animals.

Oh, I do love the zoo.

I love the zoo.

We always do a field trip at the zoo.

So, team, we got three options.

Team, I don't know why I said team.

But, team, we got three options.

We're a team.

We're a bowling team.

Are we a team?

Are we a team man?

We're a team.

We're a team.

Are we a team?

We were a team.

We're on very guttural screams now.

Yeah, no, I'm like, you're part of the guttural scream now.

Do you bowl?

Quite well.

If you can bowl half as well as you survive, then you're going to be in the championships for sure.

Yeah, well, we'll tell Tony later.

Tony was the worst.

Okay, so we can either go after the dollmaker, right?

Get to the third key, and we also have to save all our friends because maybe they're getting hunted.

I would vote for the last one first because that's pretty time-sensitive.

Time-sensitive.

It's not going to take long for your asshole Demesis to tell all the other bad guys that we escaped.

Yes, okay.

Where should we take them, though?

Where's the safe?

I was thinking either Tony's cars, cars, cars.

He's connected with us.

Oh, good point.

Well, wait a second.

Mr.

Lifely,

they don't know that you're involved.

Do they?

Yes.

Yes.

Because you're like just a new guy in this, right?

That's true.

Well, where they have not been seen yet.

Where do you live?

They could live in my suburban tracked home.

It's the one that looks like the ones next to it on

L Street.

L Street?

L Street.

Wow, I didn't know Blake was an L Street.

You're rich, yeah.

I have saved up much monies from my wartime profiteering.

Wait until

New Blakelore.

What exactly did you sell during the war?

You know what they say?

It's not about what you sell, it's about what you find

in various places

off the bodies of those who have lay before you.

Francis leans over to Kelsey and is like, if he stole like Nazi gold, what do we do?

No, no, no, no, no.

This kind of war profiteering is I've sold it all.

It's just clean.

Yeah, that's usually what profiteering does.

Yeah, that's kind of the point.

It's clear.

War profiteers don't just collect stuff

because they think it looks cool.

It doesn't become okay just because you got rid of the evidence.

The selling gets almost the worst.

Like, that's what makes it cry.

Well, I did sell to many people who thought it looked cool.

What did you, what did you sell?

That's very big.

Not all those people could be good, surely.

What did you sell, Mr.

Lively?

Various items I have found in department stores.

Wait, war torn department stores?

Well, there's no one there.

Oh, so okay.

So you I

so you you shoplifted from ah, but truthy, remember there was a big war?

Okay,

you know what?

Know what?

Everybody, Blake,

grown man, you're a child, and we're women.

So we have not been too warm.

So let's just take a step please.

Let's just take a step back.

Let's take a step back.

And maybe

we don't understand everything Blake went through.

And then maybe we would stop explaining more.

We could do our best to ignore it

and move on with what we need to do.

Holy shit.

All I'm saying is that I managed to afford a nice suburban home on L Street.

On L Street.

Yeah, that's great.

That's great.

We don't need to do anything.

The richest street.

You're going to say Peachyville, the higher up the alphabet, the richer.

And there's only 12 streets.

So Ellen is the richest street in Peachyville.

So.

What are you going going to say, Trudy?

I'm sorry.

We've all done things we're not proud of.

And I think that it would be lovely to see your home.

I'm quite proud of my home.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, I think regardless of how you feel about it, it would be lovely to go inside and hide our friends there.

I'm sorry, you just said, just not to break the seam, I can't get over Matt off the dome knowing that L was the child.

I just checked.

I literally checked.

I had to count him out.

Matt knows that fast that it was L.

Because M is Matt, and I know it's 13.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Well, there you go.

Anyway, sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

It's Matt.

Matt.

M, Matt.

Matt, B, Matt.

I'm on Matt.

But I don't know.

But we can't know what their life is like right at the beginning of the video.

I've never even once in my life saw it like that.

Hey, what letters are you?

Here we go.

Here we go.

Anthony and Beth.

You don't count.

Yeah, what do you count?

We're fine.

Will, what's W?

You should know this.

It's your letter.

It's your letter.

You own this letter.

Is that how it works?

22, I guess.

23?

23, I think.

W XYZ.

23.

23?

Freddy.

You should know this.

I think so.

How long have you had F as a friend of yours?

Is that six or seven?

Somebody's not doing codes.

You didn't do codes as a kid?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Okay, start

up.

Full stop.

Blame the

thing you're talking about.

You didn't do codes or anymore.

Just what you're doing.

Everyone knows fucking crazier than last man.

Listen, I've done the thing where you count count the letters.

Last time I did that, they put me away.

They put me away for a month.

You never, look, I liked X-Files and JSBot, and I would do SPY like codes.

And if you do that a lot, then I'm saying you do a code.

Like, you know, what is one?

And then you reverse maybe Ace26 instead.

So I'm just saying you never did code.

So you do, like, number site first.

Yeah.

You, I also wrote you.

I'm sending codes to.

Because I remember you telling me that you did X-Files where you were Molder and there was no Scully.

So were you writing codes to yourself?

Yeah, it's called Playing Without Friends.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Okay.

Where were we?

We're going to Blake's house.

I know.

No, no, no.

No, no.

No.

What we're doing is,

we're going to check the pockets of these dead guys to see if they have keys to a car that doesn't have slash tires.

Then we are all going to go together to Tony's cars, cars, cars, and each of us is going to get a car of our own.

We are then going to, as one large mood of cars, a convoy, if you will, go from house to house, collecting every person that matters to us that we care about.

Then we will deposit them all at Blake Levy's L Street mansion

francis are you guys saying

so now that we've done that

oh god oh

that sounds like a sound plan i will let my butler know to expect yes

and francis i gotta say i feel a little bad calling you a kid because i gotta say right now You sound a little bit like a man.

I'm very proud of you.

You're already grown up right now.

I just think in very clear steps.

It's just how my brain works.

But thank you.

You hear a voice, Francis, say, yes, you are a man.

You're a big, strong man who knows how to take charge and take action in his own special way.

Yeah?

Okay, that kind of had an effect on me that I don't love.

Once again, you find the rifle Brunhilde strapped around your back.

What's the first step here?

You guys are going to be.

Oh, so it's okay for you to do this.

But that is.

I'm still going to click the keys.

But you're going to take the car to a used car lot and then you're going to acquire cars.

Tell me financially, how does this work?

You know what?

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

It's cool as hell to steal.

We can't judge war unless we've been in it.

Or are an adult man.

Adult man.

That's what I always say.

You find.

Hold on one second.

Let me pull up my.

So Will's prepared two real pockets.

He's bringing them over to me.

They're jingling.

What's that, Will?

He's just demanding Matt put his hands down his pants.

That's weird.

Oh, my God.

All right, we checked the pockets.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

So you see these two bodies.

The goo is more or less dissolved at this point.

Blake, you can use your hands again.

Ah, so

good.

Yeah, you can use them.

Go search in the pockets, Blake.

I bet that feels like really good, like when you get water in your ear after you've been sweating

and then kind of releasing it.

Oh, yeah, that's the best.

So, one of these bodies, they're in sort of different states, I will say.

Girl, look at that body.

That one's in Arizona, and that one's in Missouri.

Yes, thank you, Anthony.

The guy who just talked to you, he's been like fucked up, like bitten and disemboweled and like jacked up.

The other body is almost completely eviscerated.

Oh, like it feels like something devoured this guy.

I got ate that one and then started eating.

One of these guys is almost like it's been completely exsanguinated as well.

Like this just been like, it almost has the look of like a crumpled-up juice box.

Oh, the Drink Squad, cool.

No.

I'm just looking for the podcast.

So I think that's.

And it has the goo around them dissolved as well.

You know, just because we should be doing this more, everybody give me a sanity roll.

No problem.

22.

Not the worst bodies I've looted.

55, and my sanity is 40.

Okay.

I also fail.

I got a 66, and my sanity is 47.

I fumbled with a 96.

Okay.

Oh, no.

I think you're about to find out why you don't do sanity rolls that often.

No.

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Blood!

Blood everywhere!

Kelsey!

Kelsey just runs down the street.

Blood!

Kelsey, okay.

I was like, oh, I need to do this sanity thing with Kelsey.

I had planned, but I just give him a little one to start.

Like, this won't be enough to trigger it, but you fumbled.

Okay.

Oh, so the two of you guys just give me a 1d4 sanity loss.

Okay.

Three.

Three.

Kelsey.

When you see this,

you have a kind of break with reality

and you blink and you find yourself somewhere else.

You are

still in Peachyville.

You're teaching class.

You're in the middle of a history lesson.

You're explaining the history of the United States.

and you realize as you're writing, all these kids are looking at you.

You're in the middle of a lecture about how America lost World War I.

I'm writing America lost World War I because dot dot dot.

And I'm just staring at them.

Yeah.

Class, just take a moment.

We're supposed to be learning math, right?

Math.

That's what I meant.

World War I plus World War II equals World War II.

What's World War II?

What do you think?

World War II is what happens because we lost World War I, but we didn't lose World War I.

You know what?

Everybody take a break.

Go to recess.

It's recess time.

I'm going to sit down.

Okay, so these kids all get up and they're just kind of weirded out and they walk away.

Are you kidding?

They'd be like, fuck yes!

All the kids go, whoa!

And they run out of the classroom.

And then there'd be like one nerd that's like, but Mr.

Fifth Grammar, you said you were going to teach us PEMDA.

And then while you are doing that, all of you see Kelsey all of a sudden start freaking out.

He's like, Kelsey's really going to be playing crazy taxi.

She's doing crazy.

And this Kelsey is very confused as to where she is and who all of you are and what she's doing here.

Oh, hi.

Trudy.

Oh.

Kelsey.

Oh, you're a kid.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Well, do you know about why we lost World War I?

You know what?

I think you should answer that question.

Why did we lose World War I?

I do know, even though I'm the teacher, I know it.

I'm just, it's a child.

Kelsey, Kelsey.

Pops.

I slap her.

Give me a fighting brawl roll, please.

I fail.

You fail?

Huh?

I slap myself.

Okay.

You sidelist

anyone else want to slap kelsey francis oh yeah that's right you must have stayed back because you were never really good at history

i get a super success wow okay no um well that's awful she liked it kid what the hell kelsey you snap back to where you are

All three of you said that to me as I changed it.

You go insane again.

What?

I'm sorry.

Oh, Oh, nothing.

A lot of people get scared when they see viscera.

I mean, I got scared.

It's freaky.

I don't like it.

Just think of it as tomato soup.

You check the bodies.

I'm just saying.

No problem.

Okay.

Check, check, check, check, check, check, check.

Beep, beep, boop, beep.

Why did I say that?

So squishy.

Any money, lucre.

There's like 30 cents.

Pocketed.

This guy's a millionaire.

He's going to live on Elster.

30 cents.

I pocket it immediately.

This will be six hamburgers.

Can I roll psychology and see if I can get more insight into what's going on with Kelsey?

Sure, yeah.

Dang, dude.

I fail.

Kelsey's heart.

A woman's mind is unknowable.

A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets.

This must be that feminist mystique.

That must be that feminine mystique they're always talking about.

Now, on the sort of disintegrated, exsanguinated body, you find the wallet and keys of Buddy Betts, owner of Betts Buys Electronics

in town.

Yeah, so you've got his wallet and his keys now.

Does he seem to have his like office keys as well as his car keys?

The other corpse belongs to Mushy Callahan of Callahan Auto Parts.

He's also got his keys on.

It's funny because this one is not Mushy, but the other one is actually buddy.

Freddy, since you're up close here, give me a spot-hidden roll.

I narrow my eyes and I say

38 out of 33.

I don't see anything.

Okay, never mind.

Do we have car keys?

Car keys.

Yes, you have two sets of car keys.

If only there was a button that we couldn't check which car this belongs to, let us go try every door.

Yeah, there's only five of them.

I come up with all kinds of ideas all the time.

All right, I will throw you you guys a bone and say that the car that you did not let the air out of

old rusty jalopy that belongs to Buddy Bets.

The man who owns Bets Buy is going to fucking drive a shitbox.

Not everybody needs a fancy automobile.

Yeah, he lived on A Street.

He was hawked up to his ears and dead, keeping that store afloat.

Big box stores, come on.

It's hard knocked life for A.

Well, we have a vehicle.

Okay.

Who I will drive.

As you clamber in, you find in the glove compartment.

Search this vehicle for anything of value.

You just, you know, you find some Bets Bucks, like some coupons for a Bets box.

Ah, hang on to those.

But you also find

Peachyville.

The map of Peachyville.

Will has several copies of him, man.

A color.

Oh, God.

How did you know we were going to do A through L Street?

It's like a magic trick.

We haven't even talked about it.

Oh, it's very cute.

It looks like a peach.

Wow.

Did you draw this well?

Oh, yeah.

It looks kind of like a brain and a heart.

And a peach.

It's a peach.

It's a peach.

I did draw this, Freddy.

Wow.

Ah, dear listener, you're probably wondering what this map looks like.

We've posted a picture of it on our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Go there.

So what you have in front of you is a map of the town of Peachyville.

I've marked some landmarks on there.

You guys can add to this map as you will, you know, as we kind of go through the middle.

No, this is everything that's in the town.

And the McDonald's is in the old town.

Old town with the library, the bowling.

I mean, it's on the way to Tony's cars, cars, cars.

And be buddy hungry.

I am hungry.

Oh, you guys want to go to McDonald's?

Like, we might as well stop by.

Fuck yeah.

Did they have drive-through back then?

They had car service, I assume, right?

Because this was like the beginning of that era.

Let's see.

I said it was like six in the morning.

Yeah.

So when you get to McDonald's, it's closed.

That was closed.

Wait.

Let's wait for them to open it up.

All right.

What time do they open?

McDonald's will say they open at nine.

Okay, no, we won't wait.

No, that's be our friends and family, obviously.

Here's how I see this working.

And you guys tell me if you agree or disagree.

This blood-sucking alien is killing people in the town.

Cool.

There's a cult running around doing God knows what on what seems to be something of a timeline.

So, how I see this next portion of the game going is that every sort of group working in the city right now, you guys, the monster, the cult, a couple other players that are maybe out in the wind, you should get three actions a day.

One for the morning, like let's say 8 a.m.

to 12.

Breakfast to lunch.

Breakfast to lunch, lunch to dinner, and then sleepy time and late night.

You should probably sleep for one of those.

You guys sleep?

Yeah, dog.

This is a fucking great lifestyle now.

And you guys can obviously team up on your actions.

You can do whatever you want.

So how I was figuring is like, you guys tell me what you want to do as a group with your morning time right now.

And then depending on where you go, you might bump into people.

We'll see how it goes.

I see.

I see.

I feel like the move is just we continue onward to Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars.

Yeah, Tony's Cars.

I think that's a good thing.

Okay, so we're going to reconnoiter at Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars.

Because we all need multiple cars.

We need multiple cars.

Yeah.

We're not going to be able to fit in just one.

How many people do we need to save?

Let's count them.

What is it?

My parents.

Why don't you just whip up a list?

Two.

And then my brother and sister.

Four.

Four.

And Milton and Bibi are already with us.

That's right.

Six.

That's six.

And there's obviously four of us.

So that's ten already.

Trudy, who do you need to save?

Well, Timmy.

But he's

safe.

He's in the spaceship.

Anybody else?

Well,

I guess I'm a little embarrassed.

I felt that my life was so enriched before, and yet now I'm realizing that maybe there isn't any.

So, no.

Okay.

Okay.

No, you got to.

We got 10 of us.

Yeah, that's 10.

There's 10 of us.

That means two cars.

We just need two more.

They asked Blake.

We don't know Blake very well.

Blake, anybody we need to save?

No, just we were all going to.

So 10.

So two cars or a big van.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tony's Cars Cars might sell vans.

Yeah, did they have a vanishing?

Only one way to find them.

Okay, let's go.

Our action we choose is to go to Tony's Car Cars Cars Cars.

So we have decided very well.

You drive your dalopi to Tony's Scars Coast Cars, so you're there.

There's an open casket funeral happening

from his assistant.

I don't think he had the casket.

I think his assistant died.

I'm pretty sure his assistant died.

It's just empty, right?

Also, there's no open casket.

You were consumed.

Yeah, there's nothing.

Yeah, okay.

Somebody just give me like a luck roll.

Who's feeling lucky?

I mean, I mean, I fumble.

Francis, give me a luck roll.

My luck is 79.

Ooh.

I love those big numbers.

numbers.

And I got a 95.

Oh, no.

It's not a fumble, though.

96 is a fumble.

No, you're close.

You're close.

So you roll up with your car to Tony's Car Scar Scars, which we'll say is like there's a big pile of mail out front.

It hasn't been that many days.

There's not a big pile of mail out front.

No, it's a big pile.

It's like all debt collections.

Yeah.

Freddie, why don't you paint a picture of the state that Tony left this place in?

The window is busted out of his trailer, right?

That's right.

There's peel marks that are just leading directly into the intersection.

Generally, a fine film of day-old dust on things.

And I think it's pretty clear that there's just like no one in this lot.

That proprietor does not appear to be here.

I feel we are operating under wartime rules, which means...

Yeah, we know about Junior Wartime rules.

I think we can go and acquire.

any cars we need by breaking into his place and maybe borrowing them.

And if, you know.

Hey, hey, Tony is our friend.

Yeah.

Well, so he'd probably be fine with that.

Yeah.

I think there's two, unfortunately, I think there's two ways to look at this.

Either Tony is alive and well, in which case he'll understand that we're doing this for our families and he would be okay,

or Tony didn't make it, in which case, as Blake.

What do you think?

Yeah, in which case, as Blake has already showed us, you can kind of do whatever you want with him some more.

The dead have no property.

Yes.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

The dead have no property.

I think that's true.

Minus the two coins you put in their eyes for Charon.

Well, I mean,

thinking that Tony may, in fact, be dead and that we were his bowling team, should we go around and maybe say a few words about him?

Why do you assume he's dead?

He's a shifty guy.

He's probably just hiding.

No, because he would be.

Thank you for starting, Blake.

Okay.

Who wants to go next?

Tony owned a car dealership.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for your share.

I deep down feel like Tony is probably gone because the last time we saw him, he was running away as his friends were getting consumed by a monster.

And he ran to a place where the exit was already closed.

And fire was consuming many innocent people, including him.

And his legs are broken.

I think he died like he lived, which was a coward, unfortunately.

But

he was part of our team.

And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Even though he wasn't the best on the team, he still showed up most of the time to practice.

And

I will miss him.

I will miss him.

Thank you.

Tony used to talk about how he wanted to get a turkey in bowling,

which we all know because we're good bowlers is when you get three strikes in a row.

Now, Tony never got that turkey, but I remember one Thanksgiving, he said that he was going home and that he was going to make a turkey or a chicken or something.

And so I like to think that he really got that bird in death, if not in life.

That's right.

I hope he's rolling turkeys up there in heaven, big dog.

Are we sure that's where he went?

Let's take his car.

Let's open the door to his trailer.

Yes.

I want to look for all the keys to the cars.

Obviously, that's probably not in his trailer, like in the

dealer.

We roll for just one.

Luckily, I am a lucksmith.

I would like to go up to the front door and try it.

Okay, go for it.

There's a big box that says keys, keys, keys.

Keys on Van Dynes.

Yeah, yeah, it's locked.

I really want you to pick a lock.

I've rolled a 89 out of 70.

Well, thank God.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Don't worry, team.

I have been doing a lot of rock lifting.

There's a rock here.

I pick it up.

I throw it through the front door.

Well, thank God this window was open.

Also, you notice right after you throw the rock that the key was under the rock.

The door swing

of errors.

The door swings open and you find yourself in the office of Tony Collette.

Ah, there's a box here that says keys.

Can we scan the car lot?

Is there any car that's big enough for 10 people?

Does he sell a van?

Is there like, you know, a utility vanilla?

That's a luck roll, I think.

That's a luck roll, regardless, right?

Okay, so what are you looking for?

Either one.

Look at the milk that houses 10 people or two cars that house five people each.

Yes, and look at 1950s utility van, like, you know, like the milkman.

Okay.

But instead of bottles of milk, it'll be our friends and family.

1950s utility van.

I can definitely fit it.

We don't care about seatbelts, like as long as they get in there.

Somehow, you guys find a minivan in the 1950s, and the minivan trilogy is completed.

Yay!

This odyssey we're going on is going to be so sweet.

It's just for my own sake.

Like, what's our car?

All right.

As you step into Tony's office, you see it out the window gleaming in the sunlight as the dawn rises and you see a beautiful new whip.

The 1959

Bedford CA Dormobile Romany Caravan.

Dormobile?

D-O-R-M-O-B-I-L-E Romany R-O-M-A-N-Y Caravan.

Hell yeah.

This is a classic.

Oh,

that's a van if I've ever seen one.

That was Britain's answer to the VW camper van.

Holy shit.

Whoa, this thing's a chunky bull.

Yo, that thing, the roof lifts up and makes like

a room.

Yeah, it lifts up like an accordion and makes like a room so you can like stand in it.

So there you go.

This van really.

It looks like the Blue Family stair car.

Now, Freddy, did Tony paint anything stupid on this van?

So I think he acquired it used, so I feel like it must have been a delivery vehicle or, you know, like.

Well, if it's a camper van, this is like a family car.

Yeah, no, it's that German family.

Oh, no, it is.

The German family came here to Peachyville and they road tripped a lot, but then they lost their two kids in an accident and they couldn't look at their family van without remembering the death of their two children.

Painted on it?

Two kids.

Yeah, so they traded it in and fucking Tony just fleeced them and gave them the shittiest two-person car in return.

So yes, it says Gunderson family family van on the side.

This van, it kind of looks like a pug.

It does.

It's got a pug button.

It's got a pug button.

And there's two adorable airbrushed children on the side of it,

which makes it look like that's its kill count.

Oh, well, okay, let's find it.

All right.

We can fit all of our family and friends in this thing.

For us, let's find the keys.

They're probably in the keys.

It's like a submarine hole it's got at the back.

Yeah, it rules.

This thing rules.

It's a sick whip.

It's pretty cool.

Okay, so yes, you are.

Our live shows, we're gonna have to come in this car.

We have to find this car.

Yeah.

Freddy said he needed a van.

That's true.

That's true.

Where are the keys?

Where are I feel like the key?

Like, where would Tony have the keys?

I think he has a box that says keys, keys, keys.

Okay, so yeah, there's a big box on the table that says keys, keys, keys on it.

And there's one that has like six hours trying every single one.

No, no, there's one that has like, you know, one of those like little plastic things they can hold a photo in of his family of four.

And then when you, when you open it, you hear a shotgun caulking.

Woo!

Unhand my keys.

You, he's alive.

Step back from the keys.

The cops have been called.

Tony, it's us.

And Blake's the one that opened it, so I want to see Blake respond to this voice.

Well, it seems to be coming from everywhere.

Oh, it's just like the commercial.

Ah, you know what?

But he's not really here.

Tony?

Is he alive?

Oh, it's a recording.

I said you need to drop everything you got and step away.

Put your hands down.

Tony, it's us.

Your body down and your hands on top of your head.

I'm doing what you're asking.

Look.

Kelsey, watch this.

Tony, if this is you and not a recording, say the word hamburger.

He would never listen to you.

Hamburgers for McDonald's.

Oh, thank you.

I get on all fours and put my hands on my head.

Oh, no.

No, I'm still not buying it.

Why these are quite a bit?

Tony, if this is you, tell us what you most liked about being on the guttural screams.

You know, I should bring some of these hamburgers to my bowling team.

Ah, I love it because they carry my ass.

I don't have to throw anything.

You knew.

I just chuck it into the gutter and we still win.

Oh, this is

crazy.

It's a recording.

That is not a recording.

It's not.

Keep down.

Oh, you thieves.

Keep your fucking hands where I can see that.

This is a really long recording.

So this is like yards of real-time real tape.

Like, just grab the keys and let's just

walk out of here.

You're saying he is not here right now, but yet he seems to be watching you.

I'm watching you.

Okay, I'm Kelsey.

I'm watching every move that you make.

Kelsey's going to go grab the key.

That's clearly.

Get back now.

Freddy.

Freddy.

Tony Colette's going to get one last roll.

Give me a posthumous Intimidate roll from Tony Colette.

Oh, okay, okay.

53.

That's a failure.

Okay.

Kelsey grabs the key for the Bedford Dormitory.

Get back here.

Get back here.

Okay.

Bye, Tony.

By the rest of you.

Stay down.

You fucking new.

Tony, I didn't think that I would miss you, but I've found a space for you in my heart, and you'll be there.

One more word out of you, and I'll let you go home.

I want to roll spot hidden to see if I can see where this recording is.

Sure, go ahead.

A 12.

There's like a fucking, fucking Dolby at most number of speakers in this room.

Because it's all the car speakers.

I want to know like where the record, like, where's the record?

Where's the record?

It's under his desk.

It's just a reel-to-reel tape under his desk.

I grab it.

All of it.

I grab the recording.

I grab, like, if it's a cassette tape or whatever it is.

The giant quarter-inch reel-to-reel recording.

What does the recording say as he reaches for it?

Well.

I agree with you.

I didn't think I would miss him, but it was nice to hear his voice again.

Maybe.

Yes.

Maybe someday we'll want to hear it again.

Maybe, but not today.

And we walk out.

And I want to secretly throw it in the trash.

Anybody else noticing?

We got five.

All right.

Everyone else, give me a spot hidden to see if you noticed Kelsey throwing it.

I knew a super duper success, though.

I got a one.

Did you?

Really?

That's it.

So Blake saw it.

Blake saw it.

I failed.

I failed very badly.

Actually, no, I succeeded.

I just have a high spot hidden.

I feel like with a super duper one,

I feel like I should see something useful to us in the trash, right?

I noticed you should throw it away, but in the trash, what is there?

Yeah, well, if I do something stupid and Freddie Roll's really good, you should give him a little extra treat also.

Ah, there appears to be a fully loaded 1911 just stolen here.

You have a gun.

I'll take care of that.

And then, True.

Here's what I'm talking about.

Tony, shooting guns.

Here's what you find: is that by sheer miracle, this did not go off, but Tony had also booby-trapped the recorder with a loaded 1911 pistol.

And it's just fucking mere happenstance that it didn't blow fucking Kelsey.

He's pointing straight at where my head was.

I see that.

I won't roll sanity check knowing that I just, yes.

I should have died.

If not for Tony's complete idiot.

I failed my sanity check.

Roll 1d6.

Five.

Oh, my God.

That sucks.

I'm having a rough go of it.

Kelsey, your mind is is a very important thing to keep not fucked up.

Give me an intelligence role, Matt.

You want to fail this?

I mean, I don't have a choice, Anthony.

I don't know how to tell you.

I want you to will it.

Woo!

I got a 72 a night.

My intelligence is 70.

Okay, you would have snapped to another reality of Kelsey.

We would have had to deal with that again.

Okay,

I almost died.

No, no, you did not see that.

You did not see it.

I saw it.

No, no, I saw it.

Only Blake.

Beth is important.

Only Blake.

Only Freddie.

Freddie rolled the duke.

No, she got a success too.

I succeeded.

Did you beat Matt super duper success?

Yeah, you didn't get a super duper success, though.

No, but I know.

Everybody knows but Francis.

So we have a van with the keys to a van.

As you are clambering into the van, you see another van.

Oh, we could have gone that way.

No.

It's being driven.

Oh.

Oh.

You see.

Somebody else already got it.

That's what I see.

Whenever I look at cars on the road, I'm like, I could have had that car.

Ah, wait, someone's already in it.

Don't look at somebody else's plate.

Just focus on your own.

Across the street, you see another van pulling into the parking lot of Tyrus's Golden Walk, the Chinese restaurant that's across the street from Tony's.

Tony lived like on the lot, right?

Yeah,

which immediately strikes you all as weird because nobody eats Chinese food in Peachyville.

No, it's a popular restaurant, but it hasn't opened for a couple hours.

McDonald's isn't even open right now.

Tyrus doesn't open until lunch.

And you see four guys in bison masks get out of this van.

If it was one more guy, it would be a different burger place, huh?

Right?

Right, Anthony?

Because it's four guys, you see.

But what if it was five guys?

Don't laugh, Anthony.

He said your name because he knew you'd laugh if he kept going hard on it.

He did it.

He gave it to him, Anthony.

He gave it to him.

You reinforced that.

You reinforced him.

What did you do?

Well, good thing it wasn't that.

Really expensive.

Peanuts.

So you see these guys get out and they start walking towards the front door of Tyrus's restaurant.

Thumbtack presents project paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell.

Me or the clogged sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then...

Wait, why am I stressing?

I have Thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

Thumbtack knows homes.

Download the app today.

Should we roll out quietly then?

Yeah, I mean, we need to save our family.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

And nobody picked him as part of their family we need to save, right?

No.

Tyr the bison.

No, not the bisons.

Tyrus.

Tyrus.

Who's Tyrus?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

He wasn't part of our 10.

No.

We got to do what we got to do.

So it could come with all the cops, though, let them know that the four people are showing up.

Ah, but the cops appear to be on the side of the bad guys.

I guess they'd already know that that's happening then.

We need to stay quiet and stealthy.

Let's watch.

Let's get in the van and roll up there and just watch to see if we can get it.

We can watch from here.

Okay, but if they see us, would you rather be like, oh, they saw us?

Now we got to run to the van and drive away.

We're in the van right now, Kelsey.

Let's get closer.

Why?

You'll roll the van up?

What are you crazy?

Let's just go home.

Okay.

Let's just wait for them to go inside and then we leave.

I hear three different things we all want to do.

So let's decide.

Who is driving the the van?

Trudy's driving the van.

Trudy, what does Trudy do?

Trudy.

That's doing this little head wiggle right now.

It's crazy.

Pulls a wire out of the...

Ah, Trudy, we do have the keys.

I know, but I'm going to start the car in a special quiet way that only robots know about.

Hell yeah.

So what are you doing?

Just turning the car in a quiet way.

At the front of the car where the wires are near the wheel, what is that called again?

The steering column.

You got it.

The steering column, yes.

She pulls a wire out of the steering column and then is about to hot wire the car, but then she pulls an additional wire in, the quiet wire,

and then starts the car using those wires.

I guess we'd call this an electrical repair roll.

Holy shit, we're actually using a

electrical repair.

Okay.

About time.

I'm sure Beth put a ton of points in.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

I have 20 and I got a 12.

All right.

Yeah, you find the quiet wire, which was standard in every car back in the 50s so that husbands could sneak out on their wives and go gamble and have affairs.

And yeah, the car silently turns on, I guess.

Okay, get in.

We're getting out of here.

Okay, we're already in.

Okay, yay.

Are we just going?

Okay, so Judy, are we going to watch the bisons or we're just going to go get our family?

Well, I guess we can watch for

six mississippi and then go get our family okay i like that

up in six seconds

really quietly one mississippi

on the first mississippi you see tyrus approach the front door and then he looks confused he's like who are these guys oh they're gonna kill us no no i feel bad for tyrus is the one missippy two mississippi

on the second mississippi Tyrus opens the door a crack and one of the bisons kicks the door open.

Yeah, they're gonna kill us.

On three Mississippi.

On three, Mississippi, Tyrus tries to scramble away, but two of them grab him from behind.

Guys, are we going to kill these fuckers?

Are we going to run?

Four Mississippi.

Will we have to wait to all six Mississippi's, Francis?

On four, Mississippi, one of the bisons runs up to the van and opens the door.

Five, Mississippi.

The bisons drag Tyrus, kicking and screaming as he says, help!

Help!

Somebody help!

Do we want to kill into the van?

I don't Trudy floors it.

She's just going to floor it towards the bodies on six Mississippi.

Yeah, on six, Mississippi.

Turn the van.

Everybody buckle your seatbelts.

All right, everyone gets one Mississippi to buckle their seatbelts, including, well, that's a good question.

Did this car?

Let's find out.

Let's find out together.

I have a feeling I know.

I don't see any in this diagram.

And I think Ralph Nader wasn't around yet.

I'm looking at the interior.

Ralphie didn't come and tell everybody we need to have a rope on your seat on your fucking body.

And some of the seats are like sideways, like a couch.

I see a sink.

I see a sink.

Oh, good.

I can hit my head on that.

There's a lot of head on.

Oh, I see seatbelts, but this is a 1966 Bedford Dormobile Romany.

The 1963 one decidedly did not have seatbelts.

I don't think they would have had seatbelts and then taken them away.

And then put them back.

Seatbelts are back at Bedford.

Here at Bedford, we're happy to pronounce that we're bringing seatbelts back.

Three years of seatbelts, two years of automobile death.

Now we're back to the way we did it.

Whoa, the way back.

It only took us two years to realize we were wrong.

No, it was a New Coke move where they realized everyone would be more excited if they brought seatbelts back.

Exactly.

Oh, wait.

Yes, what beds?

I'm going to try to slam on the brakes, go out the windshield, and use my body as a missile.

Okay.

In the beginning of the first X-Men movie, or like how Tony Collette did it.

Where, oh,

you honor him.

Yeah, never mind.

Oh, wow.

Just because Tony did it, you don't want to do it anymore?

Well, I didn't remember.

I didn't want to repeat stuff.

Don't stop repeating.

Yeah, like in X-Men, when Rogue's like, you should put on your seatbelt, and then Wolverine's like, no, and then they slam on the brakes and he goes, he yeets out.

So you're going to yeet out.

I'm going to yeet out.

Cool.

Okay.

You sure about this, Beth?

No, I mean, I didn't remember what happened to you.

So now I'm having doubts, but I didn't want to hurt my friends.

I was so fucked up that I eventually died.

But you're a robot.

But I'm a robot.

And you already killed your archenemy.

So if you die now, it's fine.

It's fine.

And you can't die.

We'll just

plug you back in or whatever.

Oh, yeah, your son.

Yeah.

Well, it'll be like 1917.

We're like, oh, the brother's going to find his brother, right?

No.

And we'll take care of your son.

It'll probably be the last in line of the people we take care of, just realistically.

Obviously, we take care of our own families first, right?

I look at Anthony.

I'm still confused about how I feel about my mom and my dad because they gave me a Nazi gun.

We don't have to save them as we get two less people.

I think we should try.

Okay, first, let's do the drive auto to successfully slam on the brakes and not crash into the car.

Love that.

I got an 11.

It's a 10.

I'm going to use luck.

They treat it as falling damage, by the way.

Okay.

One D6 per 10 feet.

So I'm going to use a point of my luck.

So now I have 39 luck.

What do you do with the car?

I slam and then turn it in a really cool way

and

I

fly out my open driver's side window.

Oh, sick.

Okay, so this is like a drift move to come to a halt and then use the momentum.

The brake was used.

Okay, sick.

So yes, you successfully accomplished the maneuver.

Everybody in the car, give me either a strength or a dexterity.

Roll whichever you would like to try to hang on and not get knocked around inside this thing.

Oh, no.

I got you, buddy.

75, but I got a 96.

Is that a fumble?

Yeah, it's a fumble.

That's a fumble.

Okay, we'll deal with you in a second.

My dexterity is 60 and I got a a 24, so that's a super success.

My dexterity is 57, and I got a 14.

Jesus.

Okay, so you guys all did great.

Milton and BB also succeeded on hanging on for dear life.

You fumbled.

So here's what we're going to say.

Again?

Yes.

Another time.

My character is being thrown from a vehicle.

Two missiles are thrown through this car.

Trudy gracefully.

Like Trinity in the Matrix.

Like Trinity in the Matrix.

We haven't gone to the landing yet.

We don't know if she's going to stick in the landing, but you've successfully succeeded.

was like Trinity Animals and RRR.

Yes, it's like an RRR, like just two humans diving through

all these bisons in the middle of dragging Tyrus into this car.

And then they hear this screech, and then they see this big Honkin minivan pull up to them, and Tokyo drifts sideways.

And then a housewife launching through it, Superman style, like a missile.

And then they also see a split second later, a hulking Swede, Finnish Norway guy blasting through a glass window.

Do you still have a skull on your head?

With a pterodactyl skull.

Marbles.

Oh, yeah, Marbles is in there.

Oh, no.

Marbles will never like me now.

Let the dice decide his fate.

It is not a cruel game if we suddenly fear because a cat could die.

You must let the dice.

Do you still have the helmet on?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, that's great.

That's good for you.

Hey, everybody, you listening to this?

Wear a helmet.

Wear a helmet.

Wear a helmet.

When you're driving your car.

When you, with no seatbelts, pull an e-brake maneuver.

I mean, in many ways, Marbles is the helmet that will protect his head.

Just saying.

Okay.

Marbles is in the helmet.

So are we in Columbus?

It's fucked up shit or not.

I'm just saying.

Is that Ken's danger or not?

That should happen to Marbles.

It could happen to somebody else.

Beth, in the seventh Mississippi, as you're both flying through the air, you catch for a glimpse of Marbles clinging onto Blake for dear life and glaring at you.

Marbles will remember that Trudy did this.

Blake, give me a 1d4 of damage for going through the glass window.

Ouch.

Two.

Give me a dexterity roll with disadvantage since you were caught unawares to land on the ground.

You don't want to fumble this because if you fumble it, you will land headfirst on marbles.

I rolled a two.

Yay.

And then a 100.

I don't think we can do this.

You made the decision, Beth.

The one thing I bring up is I'm still mad that we didn't kill the snake when I rolled bad.

You know, you can't kill the snake.

Yeah, I still remember that.

One time, maybe I was like, do you guys ever fight dice roll?

I go, yeah.

One time, Daryl killed a snake.

But y'all went, you can't kill a snake.

So we re-rolled it.

We got 100.

I don't want marbles to die.

I want the dice.

The dice will decide marbles faith.

Well, we should figure out how many lives Marble has left.

That's true.

Cat.

One.

Like all cats.

No, we have established that Tony.

That was a magical cat.

But we did see in the last episode that Marbles merged with some sort of other marbles, if you guys remember.

Oh, yeah.

Some merger marble.

Some sort of other kids.

Let's start with Freddie.

You land on your head.

Ow.

Blake is...

Do you have a helmet?

Yes, you land helmet first on your head.

You know what they say?

Big, brittle skull helmets are truly the best protection.

The skull.

The skull is the original helmet.

that you we all have one

right but now

i always wear my helmet myself i have another helmet you're right you have another skull and a soft squishy crumple zone between that skull and you, known as a cat.

Let's see what happens to the skull.

How much HP do you guys think the human head has?

Not as much as you'd think.

The human head?

We'll see.

The skull gives you two points of armor.

What was he rolling for when he got 100?

That was his dexterity to land gracefully on his feet, in which case all of this would have been avoided.

Unfortunately, he fumbled, so I feel like that means he goes headfirst into the ground.

And there's a skull and a cat is

headphones.

How we're going to do this.

I think Marvel's to save Marvel's.

Marvel should be able to do do a dexterity to try to leap out of the helmet first.

It would hurt me.

Yeah.

Let's see what people care about more.

Plague or Marbles.

You're right.

Marbles is also going to get a dexterity roll, seeing that he's in a perilous situation.

Or she.

He or she.

I think it's a boy.

It's a boycat.

Okay.

First thing we're going to do is roll your damage to see how crunchy this hit is.

So give me, what do you say?

It was one D6 per 10 feet.

It was about, yeah.

I mean, you're going headfirst out of a car.

This is pretty bad.

And you landed on your head.

How much HP do you have?

Eight.

Okay.

All right.

Maybe you'll let these guys.

No.

Are we gonna lose another front ready character by falling through a goddamn car?

And that's bad fault!

I just kind of reverted to my old ways and did something dumb and whimsical.

And I'm sorry.

I forgot that there were consequences that are real.

And that's what I'm saying.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Roll another time.

He's so funny.

Your helmet is one HP of damage.

It absorbs.

Roll a 1d8.

Four.

Now we're going to give Marbles a dexterity roll to see if Marbles dodges out of the way.

In the split second between the helmet crunching and you crunching into Marbles, can Marbles nimbly dodge out of the way of this?

Is that going to be a D100?

That's going to be a, yeah.

Can I roll it?

Can you roll it?

That's fair.

So I know first.

That's only fair.

Okay, yes.

Here's what we're going to say.

Even for a cat, it was a pretty wild roll.

Yeah.

So we're going to say this is a hard success.

That means I have to roll twice.

No, you don't have to roll twice.

You just have to get under half.

Would you say a cat is similarly dexterous to a dog?

Way more dexterous.

Way more.

Marbles' dexterity is 80 we'll see okay so you just gotta get less than a 40.

you gotta beat a 40.

okay

oh my god oh my god he's gonna be okay

i got a 12.

oh okay

so you don't think i'm lying i believe you i believe you i've never fudged a roll so marbles with lightning quick reflexes screeches

manages to fucking shoot straight out of this thing and narrowly avoid the ground which is is rapidly taken up by Blake's head.

Oh, right.

That's the guy we're worried about.

And Blake, you're now going to take the rest of that damage.

So you rolled a four.

Yeah.

So you take three damage.

God.

I'm down to five.

You're down to five health?

Jesus.

Bats.

Should have held on, bro.

Sorry.

I mean, where did Blake?

Did he just hit the ground?

Hit them?

At least.

We were aiming at them, right?

I mean, no, you fumbled.

You fumbled.

You fumbled.

That's true.

That's true.

I do that thing where I hit the side of the car and I go, ooh, and my whole body is like stuck for a second.

It goes, beautiful.

What's your max HP?

Max is 14.

14.

Okay, good.

Then you don't go unconscious.

Ow.

Wait, why do you have.?

Because I'm at full health pretty much.

We fought in the fucking library.

Library, dude.

In the library.

And you got hurt.

And I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry about that.

Tree, give me a dexterity roll.

Okay.

I got a 50, and my dexterity is a 25.

So that's a fail.

Yep.

So you are going to sail past the person that you.

As I sail past, I hit mole number 39.

Mole number 39.

Give me a luck roll.

I fail.

What should mole number 39 do?

It creates a beautiful pillow and a soft landing somewhere else.

Yes, a pillow shoots out of your back.

Yes.

And it hits marbles in the face.

Give me a 1d6 damage roll for hitting the ground.

Two.

All right, I guess we're starting combat then.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, guys.

I just thought I was going to be a silly little guy.

I didn't think about what I was doing.

Well, there's nothing sillier than getting us into combat.

I forgot something important because I started the journey of senses.

I had this other fact I was going to do many times, but I was doing the journey of the senses, which is I forget when at some point, because we kept messing up my size and everything.

Regardless, Kelsey, sorry to say, and this does not diminish her as a person because age is just a number.

did indeed turn 50 during this time.

Yes.

So I did reduce all of her stats.

Oh, you did?

Okay.

Yes.

Is that a thing in the game?

Yes.

That's why I originally had her at 49.

Because it's pretty vicious.

Like the stat loss.

Oh, I didn't know that.

But I wanted her to be 50 always.

Okay.

So my dex is 57 now.

I think I used to be like 65 or 70.

Oh, okay.

So I don't know if you had it before, but my dex is 57.

Did you still pass your dexterity or strength role?

Yeah, I've been looking at 50 something

for you because I know that's the order.

Thank you for your honesty.

Nobody noticed.

Nobody knows my birthday, though.

Kelsey remembers.

As if I wasn't feeling bad enough.

Trudy, you fly and you crash into the ground, scuffing yourself up as you roll across the pavement.

The bisons look at you guys, baffled, and then realize who you are.

And the rest of you are inside the car.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

It's okay, Trudy.

Blake, you are up first.

I would like to try and like bait one of these guys to check on me by being like,

you think they're going to be like, oh, is he okay?

Well, how close am I to them?

Pretty close.

Like, you're at their feet because she slammed the car right.

Oh, I'm at the feet.

Yeah.

I'm at the feet.

I go, call an ambulance.

Okay, give me a feet.

But not for me.

I spin around and I unload my 1911.

I just start shooting, baby.

It's blasting time, baby.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so anyway, I started blasting.

Remember, you also have your whip chain knife as well.

I know, but I got a gun right now.

There you go.

I'm weaponed out.

I'm like a teenager after leaving the mall, bro.

Now, point blank, do I get bonus on that?

Oh, God.

I'm like right there.

I believe you do.

I do.

I believe I do.

If If the target is at point-blank range within a fifth of the shooter's dexterity in feet, you get a bonus die on your roll.

12.

Okay, great.

12 out of 20.

You shoot this guy.

Roll a 1D 10 plus 2.

Yeah, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.

1D 10.

You get it down in one, baby.

Plus 2, 5.

Come on.

You hit his leg.

Okay, come Blamo.

You fucking papa slug right in this guy's fucking leg.

And he clutches his leg and drops to the ground screaming in pain.

So he's right next to me.

Yes.

Welcome to my level.

I got a second shot right ready to go where his head is.

Okay, great.

It is now going to be the bison's turn.

So we'll start with him.

So this is one of the guys that was ready to rock to tune up Tyro.

So he's got these brass knuckles on.

After he falls to the ground, he's going to take a jab at you with his brass knuckles.

I buy that they were already on his hand too.

That makes sense.

What would you like to do, Freddy?

I'll fight back.

So he rolled a 20, which is a super success.

I roll a 48, normal success.

Okay, so he he is going to clock you with these babies.

I'm about to be fucked up, boys.

Okay.

Let them die again.

I'm sorry.

It's funny when it's your decision, but this one is just sad.

I'm sorry.

Now he now is funny again.

Yeah.

It's okay, Beth.

You're just giving the people what they want.

Oh, wait,

wait,

so that's one damage plus one is two plus.

Why are you saying plus?

Two plus four.

You take six damage.

I'm dead.

Oh, my God.

I died.

I have five damage.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no you're not dead you're not dead you're unconscious and you are dying jesus

christ i'm negative i'm sorry marbles lived that's all that matters

next freddy will play marbles definitely but to clarify marbles definitely ran off into the woods like marbles did not stay around for us he's gone there's no if you were a cat if you were a cat

And you were flown out of a car by these people who essentially kidnapped you and you got watched out of the helmet and you watched that guy, you would just, you're gone.

Yeah.

My My cats would stay with me.

Your cats, because they love you and they know you.

This cat's out of here.

This cat was scrambling as fast as it could.

And it saw a squirrel.

It followed it.

And now it's found a new friend.

You know what?

It found a woman named Beth May, and I was living with her.

No, stop trying to make me happy.

It's roaming free.

It's roaming free.

Annihilating the bird population.

Yes.

It's doing great stuff.

Blake Lively.

Yes.

You're,

the last thing you see for now is a fist.

Is a big, meaty fist smashing straight into your face.

And the lights begin to go out.

And you see marbles running off into the woods.

And you see marbles running towards the woods.

And I see Tony from heaven beckoning me.

Come.

Come join me.

The chains are never fighting.

And

you go unconscious.

It is now the other three bisons' turns.

The other three bisons.

Two of them are going to try to

finish you off.

Fucking two to the head.

Don't check.

No, no, no.

True, we'll tap him.

Make sure that he's down.

Fucking can't have somebody coming up behind him.

Everyone knows when you fight a raid boss, you gotta go for the ads first.

The sort of leader bison, you can tell he's a leader, who's a little bigger than the other ones.

That's how they just

decide.

Says,

secure the package.

And then he is going to kick Trudy in the face.

That's who you were just yelling at.

So think about that.

Are you going to to try to dodge this or fight back?

I will fight back.

Give me a fighting brawl roll then.

This is my fight song.

Oh, no.

I fail.

No.

I hear a fight song by Katie Herring.

I fail.

Oh, no.

Ooh, an 11.

An 11.

Is that what kind of success is that?

I have a 35, so I think that it is a good success.

That's a super success.

Okay.

Just barely.

So he goes to kick you.

What do you do to turn the tables on him?

I retcon this entire episode and I pull from my pocket something that I took from the dead body that was eviscerated.

Um, and it's a something that I would have picked up.

It's a

oh, you don't, you know, you didn't have this planned out, you're figuring it out right now.

Yeah, I'm literally figuring it out.

I got part of it figured out, and it's a whammy, but I can't figure out the other part of it.

I'm gonna say it's a wallet usually, it's a wallet, okay, but it's covered in blood and viscera and the haunted last remains of

buddy bets of Bets Buys Electronics.

Yes.

Okay.

I know where it's going.

I like stop his foot with my hand in the wallet because the wallet is very like squishy and soft and absorbs a lot of that blow.

Okay.

And while I'm throwing my hand out, some of the viscera gets in his eyes.

It's just like

venom.

Like venom.

Okay, so he gets this blood in his eyes.

I won't say he trips and falls.

He's just, you know, he knows I mean business.

He doesn't need to trip and fall.

I don't think he's done yet.

There's another piece to this.

I think this is it.

Matt, that's the worst thing you could have said.

Why is it?

Because there's no other piece to it.

Oh, I rather

you do damage to him by doing this because when you fight back, you do damage.

I absorb his blow with that stolen wallet that I will explain why I have it.

And it's covered in blood and viscera, and the blood and viscera slinks through the air into his eyes.

And then maybe he likes sees the last moments because it's haunted blood.

It's a lot.

We'll see if he allows it.

Unless they weren't buddies, in which case it's just this stranger.

Beth has fallen into the very common trap of thinking that talking more will make it more likely.

And then he trips and he's embarrassed.

What if your friend was dead and you tripped and you got blood in your eyes and you were pregnant and you fell down.

We're going to go ahead and give him a 1d6 for the fall damage he's going to take from this.

That's a five.

So,

hold on.

That's as much as a gunshot.

He felt real bad on his head.

He was real embarrassing.

He was 73 also.

73, also.

Yeah, he just hold me out.

Yeah, falling serious at that age.

Yeah.

He wangs his head very hard into the ground.

Dang.

I mean, hey, one bad fall.

Yeah, dude.

And yeah, he cracks his head real, real nasty.

Like, there are two more bisons.

They are going to grab Tyrus and try to throw him into the van do we see anybody in the driver's seat of the van no they all got out okay cool they chuck him into the van that's what they're gonna do on their turn okay and tyrus is unable to resist them as they push him into the open van it is now francis's turn francis is going to leap out of the car and put his gun up against the bison van's tires okay and he's gonna whisper brunilda yeah

it seems like something naughty is happening what is going on if you let me destroy this tire yeah, then no matter what happens to the bisons, if we like defeat them like non-lethally, I'll let you murder one of them.

Oh, I like this, Francis.

Yes, I like this quite a bit.

Fine, go ahead.

Shoot Savan.

Perfect.

So, yeah, just Jamie up next to the tire and pulling the trigger.

Okay, easy peasy.

Kaboom.

Tire blown out.

A deafening gunshot ripping through the air.

It is now Kelsey's turn.

Oh, I'm 50 now.

Everything hurts.

My character sheet is ravaged i can do nothing i do apologize to our 50 year old listener

i might as well be dead at this age you got a whole

lot of point like midlife

90 just put me away it's not that bad i do lose a lot of stats hey what was that what was that spell you did you said you learned a spell yeah i have a spell now but i'm trying to find the right time to use it okay but then unfortunately i think i had the right time to use it but then somebody decided to slap on the brakes and shoot themselves out the window.

But I was trying not to blame her, like Freddie was.

So don't worry.

I got a spell idea.

I don't know who you're talking about.

The episode was so much fun.

You're going to need to describe why you like this Chinese restaurant guy so much.

There was just something kind in his eyes.

And when I said that I didn't have anybody else to save, well, it cut me deep inside.

And I just wanted one more person in my little sphere.

And I'm sure that the bus can seat 11, but I didn't think about that until we already got over here and i will explain why i stole that wallet from that dead man and you just have to be patient because it will be a very good explanation inspired by trudy's words to be fair i don't think any of us at least i didn't think so we were all for saving him no it was just

specifically yeah

kind of okay with driving away damn i wanted to save him okay kelsey is going to switch seats and get into the driver's seat okay because she was still in the seat she was still in the car valid and And I'm going to drive towards whoever is like available for me to run over.

That's what I'm doing.

You guys are perpendicular with the driver's side facing their car.

Okay.

It would be real hard to run someone over from the van.

Because they're like the opposite side of the van.

Yeah, because they're essentially two of them are now throwing Tyrus into the van.

I mean, it must have been a line of sight somewhat for...

Trudy to have been shooting herself towards the bisons.

Yeah, but remember, she was launching

out the driver's side window.

So I'm going to turn right.

But if you like open a door, you fuck somebody up.

You just

open a door and like.

Yeah, okay.

But she travels some distance.

I can turn a car 90 degrees.

I can make a perpendicular car dicular.

Wait.

I can make a parallel.

That's what I was going to say.

You can make a car.

You can make a parallel car perpendicular now.

Oh, no, it was perpendicular.

Now you can make it parallel.

I'm driving at them.

Oh, you want to drive at them?

I'm driving at them.

Who can I run into?

I think they're all blocked by the van at the angle we're coming from.

Here, let me draw that for you, Matt.

Okay.

And then we can.

You draw me on and I'll decide what I want to do in this cool car I got now.

Don't worry, guys.

I'm about to make Kelsey the most popular character.

Kelsey drives into the woods and runs over mittens.

No,

the opposite.

It's not mittens, you fool, you monster.

Yeah.

Marbles.

I don't care.

Oh, I'm Anthony.

I call marbles mittens.

I'm doing it.

Pretend like I don't care.

That sounds just like me, incidentally.

Here's Plake, who will be an ex.

And here's the guy next to Tony.

Hold up for me.

I can see it from there.

I'm going to drive straight towards the woods and then pick up marbles.

Like in Raising Arizona, when they pick up the bag of diapers, I'm going to put marbles in the car.

You're going to go get the cat?

Yeah.

Because people love the cat.

You're going to get the cat?

You're just going to run away from your friends.

I don't run away.

I'm going to turn around.

Sometimes you got to drive forward to turn around to get the distance.

So there's a two-part maneuver.

There's a two-part maneuver.

You're doing a three-point cat turn.

You're doing a three-point cat turn.

We will say on this turn, you can go get marbles.

That will be your turn.

And you can.

But I do want to roll to see if I get him or run him over.

Because what I'm doing is hard, and I feel like the dice should be rolled.

Before we roll, what is your drive auto skill?

I guarantee you, Matt did not know that was a skill.

No, I did.

And it's 75.

Wow,

this whole time.

Okay, give me a drive auto roll.

This is to pull up right next to the cat.

A 60.

We're fine.

Okay.

So

you, you speed off towards the cat, you pop the door open and lean out and grab the cat.

You're like, get in.

Get in.

You know, right.

Shotgun.

I cock my shotgun and I toss it to marbles.

You can take them all the way out.

Look, if Beth gets to do what she wants to do.

All right, give me a dexterity roll to grab this cat.

39.

What's your dexterity?

Oh, 657.

Okay, so yes.

You scoop marbles up into your hand.

And, you know, I'll just throw you a bone and say you expertly spin the car back around.

Yeah, and I'm pointing at the enemies.

Now you're pointing at the enemies.

With a new cat that's mine now.

How does Marbles look at me?

Marbles is just goes,

Marbles is pretty freaked out right here.

I hear you, kid.

That's what I say to Marbles.

If Marbles had Kelsey, if Marbles like immediately bought it with Kelsey, I don't know what I would do.

Tyrus is going to try to break out from these two guys.

He does not succeed.

We can't help people.

They can't help themselves.

Am I in the way of the car?

Should I get out of the way?

We'll deal with it when that comes up.

Milton is going to go.

Milton is in the car with you.

So Milton's going to be like, oh, Kelsey, what's going on?

I mean, man, Kelsey, what's going on?

What's going on?

Just hold on tight because there's some bad guys and we're going to save my friends.

And hold on to marbles and just hold on tight.

Okay, he

fumbles around and then BB grabs onto him.

He's like, it's okay.

We're going to be all right.

Just hang on.

I tell them to remove the cushions of the sideways facing seat of this vehicle and then kind of put themselves in between the oven and the back of the driver's seat.

And I say, like, push themselves.

Like, so get all the cushions in between you.

Like,

push themselves.

So, Bibi's like, Kelsey, Ms.

Grammar?

Yep.

Not to backseat drive, but do Milden and I need to be in the car for this?

Oh, I stopped the car.

Get out, run to the woods.

Okay, take Marbles with you.

And I said the three of them out.

Mildred slashes BB in the face and runs in the middle of the morning.

Milton and BB hop out.

Marbles is too scared to go with them.

I tossed them.

I tossed Marbles to the kids.

Throw Marbles.

Yeah, take this cat.

I can't let this cat fly out the window.

Like Blake.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Milton and BB run.

Marbles, extremely confused, goes flying out of the car again and just sitting on the floor.

He threw it at Beebe.

Threw it at Bibi.

All right.

Bibi goes, ah, and talks it out of the way of this screaming cat who lands on the ground and clings to the ground.

Better look next time.

What the fuck happened to Kelsey?

Kelsey lost it.

Okay, it is now Trudy's turn.

Do bisons have horns?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to take the bison mask and use it as a weapon against them.

Oh, okay.

He's on the ground.

You're going to have to pull it off of his head.

Okay.

So give me a dexterity roll for that first.

Shouldn't it be a strength?

You can do strength instead if you'd rather.

I think I will.

I feel.

So you're grappling with this guy over his helmet.

Yeah.

Blake.

You do nothing.

I'm unconscious.

No, So no, you do have one thing to do.

What is that?

Death save.

Give me a constitution saving throw.

Six.

Okay, so you pass?

Yeah, super duper success.

Okay.

All right, it is the bison's turn again.

We'll start with the guy that Blake shot, who gets up and is clutching his bleeding leg, sees this kid with a car 98 and Kelsey gunning the engine of this minivan ready to paste him.

He sees his burly boss grappling with Trudy and figures that he's going to be okay for a second.

He's gonna make a break for it.

He runs around to the driver's seat of the van and turns on the engine.

And when it's his turn again, he's gonna stomp it and peel out of there.

We're gonna do the big guy first.

He's gonna do a fighting maneuver, and basically, you guys are grappling over his mask.

He's just gonna turn to the side and let you fall to the ground and grab the mask at the same time.

Like, he's basically gonna let you take it and try to trip you at the same time.

Okay.

Are you going to fight back, dodge, or try to do like a counter-maneuver against him?

If he's moved so that the mask comes off easily, I will try to make it so that the mask stabs him when it comes off.

Let's call that a fight back then, because that feels like you're trying to injure him.

So give me a fighting maneuver.

Ooh, I got a 36 and I have a 35 fighting brawl.

Okay.

I guess I'll spend a luck.

Give me a 1d4 plus 2 plus your damage bonus.

Oh, plus 1d4.

Yes.

Holy shit.

Plus 4.

4 plus 2.

2 plus 4?

Yes.

So that's ten damage.

Yes.

Okay, so yeah.

You rip the mask off, you plunge it into the stomach of this guy who gasps and starts to collapse.

And then you look up and lock eyes with him.

And it's Ed Farnsworth, Francis' father.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

We only have to pick up nine people.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the star,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

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If Dungeons and Daddies was just a podcast with just five copies of the members, whose copies would be the funniest, have the most interesting story, or would just be arguments.

If the podcast was just five Anthony's, what would it be like?

Oh, God.

Or if it was just five Freddy's, like, how would, like, this is an interesting thought experiment to me.

I would love five Matts.

I feel like five Freddies would be genuinely interesting.

And I feel like Five Beths would be.

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Love That.

Love That.

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Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is our DM.

Beth Mae as Trudy Trout and myself.

Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

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This show is supported by our Patreon, and those people who are supporting this show have names like Dorian, Halgir Jonvik, Gabriel Bjorgvinson, Mateo Gannod, Ryan Cole, Typical Molehill, Jim Wagline, Gentleman Jack, Brockton Nuns, Gabriel Henderson, Elliot McGee, Christian Tevic, Ivatron, Will Gregory, User One Name11, Eric Asterik, Ninmir Aboral, Francisco Morales, and Seth Bassetti.

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Madden, my first movie, We're All Gonna Die, still in theaters.

More info at We'reAll Gonna Die.mov.

Our next episode is March 25th.

We'll see you then.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Give me an unarmed strike roll or whatever the equivalent of that is in this game we play.

That's the first time I've heard you give up on a rule.

You only do 20 episodes.