PWP (Pops Without Plot) ft. Neil Newbon

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Hello, this is Esther, here to wish you a happy new year.

To celebrate the end of 2024, we've prepared a one-shot with a very special guest who will be particularly exciting for those computer game nerds out there.

Stay after the credits for a preview of Dad Hammer Episode 2, now available to all patrons.

Without further ado.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Welcome, welcome, faithful listener, to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This time, it is a podcast that takes place in an unclear part of the season one chronology.

That's right, the season one dads are back, but they're not alone.

But you gave me a really clear timeline, though.

I did give you a clear timeline.

It's after BDSM, but before we found Grant.

Yes.

Their kids are not with you, but Peyton is, and you have experience that you pleasured yourself.

Great.

I don't remember that.

The timeline is AD is after Dennis, and B C E D S M is after the B D S M episode.

It's between those two.

The second one coming?

Holy shit.

Well, that asshole who just was funnier than all of us

is one of our two guests.

Our first guest you know and love already.

It's Amanda Schuckman.

Amanda is co-DMing our adventure today say hi amanda hello everybody you don't have to do anything he tells you to do amanda oh he knows when he was like say hi amanda that rubbed me the wrong way

right i should have just been like don't tell me what to do yeah yeah but our other guest well not other guest that makes it sound like you're secondary i'm secondary yeah you are

um is neil newbon acclaimed Spike Award-winning voice actor.

Wait, wait, wait, a Spike Award?

That's the first time we got one of those on here.

But yes, if you've ever played Baldur's Gate 3, you have heard his voice.

Actually, if you've ever played a video game, you have heard Neil's voice.

He's in town, and we asked him if he wanted to do a one-shot with us, and he said, He's friends with lots of cool celebrities here at Dungeons and Dragons.

Dungeons and Dragons.

Stolen Dollar, Stolen Dollar.

I'm Gary Gygax.

You're just trying to manifest being Matt Mercer.

We are doing a little adventure together.

Yay.

Yay.

Beth, did you say you had?

I think we're going to do dad facts.

Is that we're going to do battle or not?

Yes.

We're going to do dad facts.

Let's do it.

Let's go.

Blind.

Go.

So, fun fact about Ron.

Neil, I'm so sorry.

What's the character you play in Baldur's Gate 3?

It is a small character by the name of Astarian, who's a pale vampire kind of thirsty trap thing.

Fun fact about Ron is he's a starion this dick.

Okay, no more dad facts.

Not gonna get any better than that.

Okay.

four dads, one crunchy munchie, one rock and roll, one jock and Ron,

are walking through the forest with their boy ward Peyton when they come across an abandoned shack.

Peyton, don't just run in there.

I've already had that baby.

No.

Peyton has sprinted into the doorway of the shack.

No, he might be harny.

Well, you gotta let kids grow up sometime.

He has a lot going on.

Met the boy examined the shack.

That's what he wants.

So Peyton walks out and he looks like uncharacteristically down and he goes, oh, it's kind of like.

But you is, Payton.

What's wrong?

It's kind of, it's kind of sad in there.

You didn't like what you saw in there?

It's a little sad.

You should cut it.

Whoa.

Well, I don't like being sad, man.

Yeah, but you looked happy going in and you look sad coming out, baby.

There's somebody in there who probably needs help.

Payton.

And not the stabbing guy.

So I'm not usually there.

Henry kneels next to Peyton and says, Peyton, are you the sad little boy in there that needs help?

No, you little bitch.

There's somebody else in that room.

I don't, Peyton, we've talked about using gendered words like that to be mean to me.

They could be bitches.

So do you head inside?

Yeah.

Okay, so inside,

I love this.

Do you hear that audible pause where you're like, should we fuck him?

Sure.

I was like, yeah, we just leave.

And Neil sits here and watches this do a different adventure for 90 minutes.

So inside, you see.

Oh, we got a splinter.

God damn it!

Ah, Ron, sit down!

Ow!

It's better now.

Damn,

you're really bringing out your best shipper.

So, inside, you see a young boy sitting amongst a small mountain of pages of doodles and handwritten words and journal stuff.

And it seems like he's playing with two wooden dolls and sort of smashing them together.

What does this character look like, Neil?

So, this is Jeremy Pithbottom, the effort thyland, who is a young oily boy.

He's quite slight.

He's not particularly well built in any particular direction.

He's about 12, 13 years old.

He's sitting in what looks to be nice clothes now turned into rags.

His feet are very dirty.

He hasn't got any shoes on.

And he is currently smashing the crap out of one wooden toy to another, going, I'm the strongest!

And smashing like this, and then puts it down and just sort of stops and just sits there and looks at these two toys.

He's got a lot of pimples in places that you'd be quite surprised to find pimples.

Everybody, stand back.

This boy is doing art therapy.

I know what happened, Peyton, but just because he said he's the strongest doesn't mean he's the strongest.

Like, you know, you're

four years older than me.

He's like six feet taller than I am.

How can I match up to that?

I put my arm out for like a punch.

Give me a punch.

Yeah.

I don't know what's the most like when I punch them.

All right.

Peyton, I'm significantly older than you, and you never get distressed by how cool and powerful I am.

Okay.

So you guys going to deal with this kid?

Excuse me, creative youth.

Yeah,

young boys.

Fun creative youth.

Is it hello?

Four travelers, be we with our young ward here.

And we were wondering if we could enter the magic circle of your art therapy and speak with you for a minute.

So the young boy turns, stands up, looks very shocked to see basically four adults and a small child approaching him out of fucking nowhere, and just immediately starts screaming.

Oh, yeah.

And just starts throwing the toys at you.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, this was a quick adventure.

Let's go.

All right.

It's about time to shine.

No, Pete, but I understand this part.

Wait, do you have parents?

What's your name?

What's your name?

Parents.

I don't know.

Live.

Excuse me.

Young boy, what's your name?

Ron takes a piece of the paper that he's been writing on and tries to read it.

Go ahead and roll

perception.

Oh, or investigation.

D20.

Professional Dungeons and Dragons podcaster Beth May.

We all have phones.

I got an 11.

Okay, with an 11, you can see that you were reading what appears to be a fictional story seemingly written by this child.

You can't quite make out the particular characters that it's referencing, but you can tell a short story when you see one.

This fiction is opaque and unreadable.

Let's take a beat.

Let's take a beat here.

Let's take a beat here on the street.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let's just think about what we just did.

I took a couple classes and I that's fine.

But we just, let's think about it.

We just walked into this kid's house.

I tried talking to him, and you took, you read his stuff.

And we should take turns

on him.

All right.

You're right, Daryl.

Henry turns into a cute therapy dog.

And then walks up to Jeremy.

Jeremy's continues his dream as he sees you turn into a dog.

Henry looks at you as a dog and speaks in a human voice and says, It's all right, young boy.

I'm a therapy dog now.

We can help you.

He goes, okay.

And just sort of sits down.

After a moment of looking around, he just does this to your snout and just puts his hand out a little bit.

Henry sniffs the young boy's snout.

And just sort of paps his nose.

You get right in his face and you sniff his nose.

Your snout, Will.

So the small dog encroaches on this child, sticks his face in his face, and egg whiff.

What do you smell, Will?

What do I smell, Anthony?

Tears.

Young boy, do you have to tell us your name?

That's fine.

We can leave.

Or if you need help, we would love to help.

I mean, we...

It's kind of what we do.

It's what we do.

I know we're four adults, but we got Kay with us, and he seems safe with us.

So, like, I'm not.

I'm totally safe.

I promise you.

He says, sharpening his knife.

Whatever you need, we'll help, but if you want to be left alone, we'll leave you alone.

So Jeremy, like, stops, looks at you, looks at his knife, looks back to you.

Oh, he's fine.

I block the knife with my body.

Just the line of sight.

Jeremy relaxes at that side.

He just sort of looks at you and goes, doesn't have object permanence.

And he just looks at you and goes, um,

well, I'd like

to play.

Oh, do you like football?

No.

Oh, okay.

But I'd like to play the thing.

And he just points at the little cartoon thing that he's been making, a little comic book.

He goes, I like to play the game.

I lean over to Ron like hey I really don't think we should be here

I think we're like I think we're like one person showing up away from going to prison

Ron leans over to Daryl is like hey what I just lost the game

what you hear a rumbling we just got here by accident

you hear a rumbling and say don't worry friends you're not going to prison this is a little family mission.

And you see your old friend Scam likely.

Scam not to rhyme.

I'm sorry.

It got close.

He peers out of the ground and he says, you may or may not notice that this child has no parents currently.

We did notice.

We saw that, Scam.

So what are you going to do about that?

That is not our problem.

Wait, Scam.

Play the fucking nerds don't have parents, Scam.

Why are we looking for our kids?

Yeah, give us a clue.

I'm just just saying, I thought maybe you'd see it and your heart would go out to him, but apparently you're only thinking about going to jail.

We just don't know the situation.

So the situation is, Jeremy, do you want to tell him?

I can tell him.

Jeremy can tell us.

Wait, Jeremy, do you know Scam?

I thought he was a figment of my imagination.

He's real.

That's a good point.

I don't know.

What if I am not real?

That'd be fucked up.

Well, Scam and I play games sometimes.

Not weird ones.

Not weird ones.

Not anything that you could possibly be thrown in jail for.

Okay.

But we do play games.

And he's got a really fun game that I like to play quite a lot.

Okay.

Would you like to play with me?

Okay.

I would love to hear the rules.

I do love games.

Firstly, it should be pointed out, my parents have been absent for some time.

Oh, I'm sorry, bud.

That's okay.

You get used to it in isolation and solitude.

But this is a really fun game you get to play with.

And he sort of hesitates and looks all of you like one by one into the eyes.

Friends.

Oh, yeah.

The four of us are friends with each other.

We're all friends.

We're friends.

And playing games is one of the best ways to make friends.

Well, yeah.

Or like if you're alone a lot, you can play games with yourself.

So it sounds like that's what.

Well, what's your name?

Jeremy.

Jeremy.

Daryl.

I almost lied about my name, but I'm not going to do that.

I wouldn't even know what to say anyway.

My name is actually Ron.

That's not a lie.

It's Ron.

Yeah.

And I, Jeremy, am not a talking dog, but a man.

And I turned back into Henry.

My name is Henry Oak.

And I'm Glenn Close, leader of this group.

You're cool.

Everyone's quiet.

Notice

nobody had any comments on that.

Okay, I'm bored now.

So the thing is, Jeremy loves to write fan fiction.

You may have seen a lot of these little stories around.

Jeremy inserts himself into fun little tales of other franchises and stories he's heard before.

Yes.

Self-insert is also my nickname.

The thing about Jeremy is that he likes to escape into these stories.

And I thought, what a wonderful thing to do with you all.

What if you all escaped into a story?

What if you all escaped into this story right now?

And Scam snaps his fingers and the pages on the ground begin to float and then whirl around you like a torrent of the

door.

Like the page master.

No, don't run.

It'll make it worth.

Just stay where you are.

Yeah, you get a buckload of paper cuts on your face.

Is there a little theme song that plays?

Yeah.

And a one, and a two, and a three.

Why would you point at me?

Why would you try that?

Your vision blurs as the pages completely obscure your eyes.

When the screaming winds die down, the pages flutter to the ground.

It really does feel like there should have been a theme song sung by Beth.

I just, I do really feel like that would go great there.

So you're writing a story.

That's really cool.

It's a fanfic.

You're writing in school and you're going going home now you don't have to go to school anymore

because um you're an orphan and your parents are poor um but you're writing all day and you're writing all night and you get the feeling things might be all right hey it's pretty good yeah yeah very good an orphan can't have poor parents

oh damn anyway the

the papers drop down and you find yourself in what looks to be a coffee shop

A quasi-modern, Starbucks-esque coffee shop.

I'm going to take it.

You guys want anything?

And as you look down, you see you are all in aprons and you are behind the counter.

Oh, well, I've got to make something for myself.

Is Jeremy here?

Jeremy?

Jeremy is here.

And Jeremy is also in an apron, and his apron says manager.

Manager.

Manager.

Hey, Jeremy.

If we look at ourselves, are we covered in like really cool tattoos?

And do we have glasses?

And are we cute?

Yes.

Do we all look different?

No, you're still yourselves just like Portlandified.

I have a ponytail now.

Wait, Jeremy, have you done this before?

Have you transported like this?

Is this normal?

Yeah, many times.

This is how I actually get by in the day of horrible isolation and loneliness.

Well, Jeremy, golly gee whiz, like, why are you in this horrible situation?

Like, why don't you know you could break out?

Don't act like you cheese fall.

I'm not saying I just expressing concern.

That there's a boy, a sad boy in the woods transporting to worlds of whimsy.

And of all the worlds that he could choose, he's picking Starbucks.

And I am worried about his corporate coffee taste, frankly, but we'll put that aside for a second.

And I just want to like, there's got to be some way we can help you out.

Like, do you want to be here?

Yeah, you play the game.

That's how you help out.

He's pretty cool with what he's doing.

I've got to say.

Like, we just play the game.

And then, if you really sniff out something wrong, let's get into it.

This kid just wants to play with us.

The phone rings on the counter.

Henry picks it up.

Okay, so the way that this works is, yeah, that's me.

Oh, yeah.

The way that this is going to work is Jeremy loves to spend time in these little fantasy worlds, but I think it's happening to the detriment of his actual real life.

Oh my god, that's exactly what I've been saying, Scam.

Yeah, so I was hoping that you could like help him through some of his fan fictions, and then maybe at the end of it, he wouldn't want to stay in them so much anymore.

Scam.

I just want to say, you and I don't always see eye to eye, but I just think this is great, what you're doing for this young lad.

Well, no, I don't want to do it.

Hey, scam.

Scam.

Hey, it's Ron.

Shoot, does that mean we have to

put ron on he wants the phone yeah yeah yeah yeah it's hi oh one uh do you want anything we're we're working at starbucks right now no i'm good

does that mean that we have to make the fan fictions worse uh no i think it means you have to like well actually yes

Now that I think about it, yes.

But the way I was planning to do it was that there's like a special totem in each of these fan fictions that once you get it, you get to move on to the next fan fiction.

And once you get to the end of the last one, you exit for good and come back to to the real world.

I mean, that sounds great.

Yeah, let's do that.

It's about fucking it up, maybe.

Oh, man.

I think, scam, I think we'll fuck it up plenty on our own.

Don't you worry about that, scam.

Hey, Ryan.

Can I ask a scam question?

Yeah, hey, scam.

I'm gonna put Daryl on the line.

You can just put me on speaker.

It's a wall phone.

There's no speaker option.

It's a really long cord, though.

Hold on.

Hey, scams, Daryl.

Hi.

I just want to know what's the best case Jeremy gets out of this?

Like, best case scenario.

Like, where does he go if he leaves?

Like,

where does he get

go?

Like, if he's done with this, where does he go?

Like, other parents, like,

where does Jeremy go?

We know that Jeremy has no parents that's living alone in a shack.

So, the best case scenario is he's still alone in the shack.

Is that correct?

And I trust, and I already care about Jeremy.

He seems like a sweet kid.

I just don't trust you.

So, I want to know when I'm done playing this game, which is Jeremy's game, but it feels a little bit like your game.

Where does Jeremy go afterwards?

I was trying to get Jeremy to go to the orphanage in the nearby town

wait wait wait wait scam what tell me a little bit more about the orphanage

is it a good one

a modicum of forced labor like a frisson of forced labor but otherwise it's pretty chill

it's pretty good for this area right Daryl I'm gonna let you know a little secret

something you don't know yet But you could have a pretty fucked off backstory and still end up a pretty cool guy.

Okay.

All right.

Well, yeah, that sounds good, Jeremy.

That does seem like a good orphanage would be better than this weird crying cave he has.

That's good.

Okay.

I'm down.

You guys down?

Oh, hey, can I talk to scamming everyone?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Of course, Henry.

Bye, scam.

I hang up the phone.

The phone rings again.

Yeah, hello?

So, just so you know, there's a health inspector coming today.

Oh.

And you want to get an A ranking because that's the totem to get to the next area.

What fan, what?

What is this fan patient?

Should we ask Jeremy?

Is this something we'll find out if we play along?

I'll have Taddy explain coffee shop AUs to you real quick.

Taddy.

Taddy, come here.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Who is this?

Taddy Roper, Scam Likely's running race.

Oh, Taddy Roper.

Race to the White House.

I love that that episode's canon now.

That's great.

Welcome to hell.

Also, a 12-year-old boy.

I'm very excited to do in front of Neil Move Bon.

I don't judge.

Hops up out of a potted plant in the corner.

he despite the modern setting is still dressed as a victorian urchin and says oh god

yeah that's right

i've literally never seen a man embarrassed in my life if it helps i can always leave the room no you have to be here speak up we can't hear you speak up what's up

he's like do you call for tonight

too okay apparently i am tonight

just here help him out oh wait and he tweaks his Page Boy cap and turns into the modern Portland version of himself, which is exactly the fucking same.

This is a coffee shop AU.

Oh, explain.

JU stands for Alternate Universe.

Like Marvel.

Okay.

Is this a fan fiction thing?

Yes, it's a fan fiction thing.

So we're at a coffee shop AU.

Yeah, you're the dad's, but instead of being on your normal adventure, here you are on this flying coffee shop.

What do you mean, fan fiction of ourselves?

Yeah, when you look at the cup, you see that the name of the coffee place is Odyssey Beans, and it's got a little picture of the van on the cup.

Wow.

Guys, this is a universe where Honda doesn't know the trademark for Odyssey.

My God.

Guys, I think we're going to make this AU gold.

Wait, in this AU, can Carol be happy?

Anybody?

Wait, I can't hear you over the laughter.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Thank you.

I don't know who William is.

That was Henry that said that.

Henry said that really funny joke.

Okay, so Jeremy, you're our manager.

He's got two clipboards in his hands.

Yes, I am.

And quite frankly, we need to have a staff meeting, I feel.

Well, you're in charge, so.

Staff, by the way, I don't think I haven't noticed you on the phone.

That's a lot of break time.

We have not discussed.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

I think if you read the rules, which are very clearly thine boasted over the cup, that you were only allowed five minutes of phone time.

Wow, what a little Nazi.

Hey, Payton, Payton.

Well, what's up?

You could learn from this kid.

Pay attention.

This kid sounds like a fucking dark.

Are you kidding me?

No, this kid's going to go places.

All right, yeah, Jeremy, we were

killing the end of my fucking fist.

Payden, Payton.

What?

It's his special day.

We're here for Jeremy, all right?

What are you talking about, Jeremy or Neil?

Okay, five, whatever.

I'll follow your lead.

Oh, no, we follow his lead.

Yes, and I'll follow your lead.

You're following his lead.

Yep, guys.

Yeah, what are we doing?

Time meeting.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

All right.

First thing is that we have to divide all the jobs of the work.

I'd like you to treat this like a casual back and forth.

Just tell me what it is you think you're good at, and we'll find a job for you before the customers and we start opening the shop and getting into it.

Oh, I consider myself something of a bean somilier.

I can feel that.

I can feel that.

I smell like one for you.

Do you know, and I think if this is an AU, like, I think being like really into beans would go well with like my original thing of being like a vegan guy.

So like maybe like people can ask me about beans in the story.

Maybe I name like the fun roasts of a bean like somebody in the roastery and do you know what I mean?

Like do we roast our own beans and then like we have zany bean names like that.

Yo, these beans suck.

Yeah, we're going to roast them like that.

That shit.

Let's see

in the beans.

Great.

And you, the man with the very impressive thought.

Ah, yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I tend to be on the customer-facing side of things.

I'm a real people person.

I'm more than happy to take the drive-through orders.

I was thinking you could be like the fun guy in the coffee shop that plays the music like on open mic night.

Hey, I'm not your fucking monkey.

I want to talk to the people, get a sense of what kind of drinks they're ordering.

I think I'm be pretty good at that.

And picking the playlist.

Playlists are very important for coffee shop vibes.

You guys know this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Ron.

Let's see.

My strengths.

I think,

you know, kind of a, kind of a,

it's kind of a wild horse in that, you know, it's like, oh,

you follow the rules.

And last but by no means least.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I'm Daryl.

Just want to say I'm really happy to be here on the first day of work.

I will do my best.

Honestly, my worst attribute is I just want to please you.

Just want to do a really good job job today.

My point of view is that it seems like it's really important that the health inspector is coming, so I'd love to just clean this place, make sure there's no

and I'll just help Ron clean, but I, whatever you, whatever you want, Jeremy, manager, Jeremy sidles over to you a little bit, thanks for me, and goes, you've got great potential.

Oh, thank you, I think you've got management potential.

Just keep working the attitude, okay?

This sucks.

Ron, you'll learn a little something from me.

Ron, I mean, sorry, Henry leans over to Taddy Roper, the now Portlandish cockney street urchin, and says, hey, Daddy.

Yeah.

So you see, you know a lot about these AUs, right?

Yeah.

So what's like the deal with a coffee shop AU?

Is there like sexy drama?

Or do like two people in the coffee shop like each other?

Like what is like a nine to five?

Is it just

do people just do like a gritty workplace procedural where like the Sailor Moon girls all work at a coffee shop?

Or like, what is it?

Yeah, well, sort of all of the above, but mostly, yeah, you know, eventually someone's got a fuck.

Oh, what's the point?

At that, you hear a ding, ding, ding, ding, as the bell rings, as somebody enters, and you see that it is David Boreanas, the sheriff.

Well, no, this is son, home of the

crazy beans.

Stupid, stupid.

Oh, yeah, stupid.

Home of the crazy beanos, we order.

What do you want?

David leans up against the counter and says, I want something that no one has ever drunk before.

Oh, oh,

oh,

it wasn't a question.

Where's the guy with the mop raising his hand?

Because I got a bucket of mop water right here, man.

Somebody's probably drunk that before.

But not this mop water, my dude.

Not with crazy beans.

No, it's infused with crazy beans.

This mop water was infused with crazy beans in my own apathy.

Okay.

Why don't you roll persuasion?

G20.

That's okay.

Professional dungeons and dragons

roll a dungeon you don't have an app yet that saw that the app was two dollars and i was like no thank you i got 12.

okay so the 12 he goes uh yeah i guess that'll that'll do but as you bring the mop over to squeeze it out into his glass you make that be a large or a venti or a medium venti uh what the fuck a venti means it's 20 ounces yeah venti's huge as you bring the mop over it sloshes disgusting brown liquid all over the counter all over the floor.

I clean it.

I've been sitting here with like paper towels ready to go,

like a fucking cat where you pounce.

All right, so Dave Boriana's leaves.

Another salad

customer.

He takes a sip and he goes, I've definitely never had something like this before.

He puts $1 in the tip jar and he walks out.

I think he just tipped us.

I don't think he paid us.

Who's on the counter?

That was me.

Yes, I was.

Oh, you're on the counter?

I will be the first to say that I forgot to collect payment for the mop water.

Look at it a different way.

We got rid of some mop water for free.

That's fair.

From across the room, you just hear the slavery loud

as he starts.

Jeremy starts writing something and scribbling on the clipboard in front of him and just shakes his head very slightly and moves off.

But guys, I don't know.

That might be a good thing.

Yeah, Jeremy.

Is this power fantasy for Jeremy?

I mean, Jeremy's a sad little youth in a shack.

Like, maybe his dream is to boss people around in a coffee shop, in which case, we're doing a good job.

Maybe he wished, like, he had a team that wasn't good, and then, like, his inspiration, like, made them better.

Like, that would be, like, my sort of like story I would tell.

Like, like a bad, like a coach, you know.

I talked to daddy, and I think one of us has to have sex with someone else.

I think I will.

I just, I, I just, I'm waiting for like a cute regular to come in and we can flirt gently.

Uh, as you say that, the ding,

the door opens again, and Aaron O'Neill, the local county health inspector,

and under Aaron's arm is a clipboard, and attached to the back of the clipboard is some sort of glowing.

We're closed.

We're closed.

That's fine.

It doesn't need to be open for me to inspect you.

Yes, it does.

Is anyone here open for inspection?

And I kick Ron in the shin.

Yeah.

Does anybody here remember their wife?

Oh, shit.

I mean, Aaron, it's never going to work.

You got to stop coming in here.

It's my job to come in.

I agree.

It's probably not going to work.

I see that there's disgusting mop water all over the floor and all over the country.

Do come in here like it's your job.

What can I get you?

You can get me a tour of the facilities so I can give you a rating.

I don't think you're going to be getting this, she says, pulling up a couple of pages from a clipbook and revealing the glowing, magically infused A rating on the back of her sheet.

Ron, if you play your cards right, she might come in here.

If I play my cards right, you might come in here.

She's in here.

I'm in here.

no i can hear you no in the other sense of the term

and to clarify wait she revealed a page that had like the rating on it yeah she has a bunch of pages each with f d c b and a and a is glowing i want roll side

i'm gonna roll side of hand just take the egg

all right go ahead roll side of hand dude imagine if that's how it worked in real life dog i got 18.

okay you take

all right immediately the second your hand touches the egg the entire coffee a you begins to get sucked into the page and

Great job.

Daryl, would you say that you were inspired by your manager to do well for the franchise?

I mean, I think, I don't know.

I just, I'm just playing the game.

They said, get an A, I got the A.

That was good, right?

Yeah, and I didn't have to do anything against my marriage.

Yeah, but you should remember the thoughts that you had.

Okay.

Just hang in there, Ron.

We haven't been gone that long.

We'll get home.

The coffee shop begins to dissolve around you and is replaced with a field of white.

And that white resolves itself into ice beneath your feet.

And around you, you see a bunch of small black dots that begin to resolve themselves into chairs.

And you look up and you see a very large black cube with like flashing images on each side of it.

And as you look down, you see lines beginning to appear on the ice.

Long sticks appear in your hands.

You almost slip as iron blades come out of the bottom of your shoes and you find yourself in a hockey AU.

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Real quick, in the coffee AU and in the hockey AU, Braun actually doesn't have a wife because it's alternate universe.

It's alternate universe.

All right,

let's do a power play.

I think you just did.

So you hear Greg Proops, the two-headed fantasy menace.

I don't think his name was Greg.

It is now.

What is his name?

I don't even know.

It was Goofo Meofa, I believe.

Or something like that.

I don't know who Greg Proops is, but I like Greg Proops.

You know who Greg is?

That's the guy who's lying the name.

Oh, that's right.

He's got glasses.

He's also got two heads.

Yes.

Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the final of the Superloo Hockey Tournament.

The winner,

the winner will take on this beautiful cup.

And you see a glowing matchable cup up here on the screen above you.

But first, they're going to have to win this game on the left side of the ice.

That's how they say it, right?

From my perspective, the team on the left.

First, they have to win this game.

My left, your right, half of your.

This team has to win soccer games.

imagine soccer with more stuff

and fighting less players but more fighting on my left some of your rights

we see the daddies and you look down you're wearing like mighty ducks jerseys but they've got like i don't know picture payton's head or something

or that's the pet boys thing that you're wearing like pet boys sponsored uh yay uh jerseys

delightful it's like the ones that you get in in the episode although that's tech canonically, that's later.

Who cares?

And on the other team, we have the undefeated, the reigning and defending champions, the super hoolockers.

We also named a tournament after them.

And as you look over, you see

fucking rigged.

You see a bunch of all men, almost all white men, I think.

Yeah, they're all white men in hockey gear.

You see what appears to be two brothers who have weirdly sexual tension with each other.

Yes.

You see.

I I just recognize them.

It's not that I want that.

I'm not into winces.

That's what it's called.

Yeah, wins.

You see

Sweet Summer Child.

You see two detectives who also weirdly kind of have sexual tension with each other.

Is this from Elementary?

No, no.

This is Sherlock.

This is Sherlock.

You see Benedict Cummerbach and Martin Franklin.

This is a version of Sherlock.

Yeah, basically.

Because they made Watson a woman.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you also see what appears to be a time-traveling twink with a long brown coat.

But is it like David Tennant or is it like?

Okay, okay, okay.

You see David Tennant, the brothers from Supernatural, and Sherlock and Watson.

Because Super Hulak is an AU thing.

Well, that's not an AU.

It's a fandom that is probably the strongest and worst fandom since Homestuck.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Cool.

Hey, Jeremy.

Jeremy.

Where's Jeremy?

Where's Jeremy?

Where's Jeremy?

Jeremy is in the middle.

He's got a referee's outfit on.

Oh, it's a referee out there?

And he's sort of taking his helmet off and he's just like spitting, looking around, just spits, but he can't spill any out.

So he's like,

and he just sort of wipes his mouth.

All right, then, let's have it.

Captains to the center, please.

Oh, um, who wants to be captain?

Glenn.

I will be captain.

I will be the captain.

Shit.

Captain.

Damn, dude, Glenn.

Just look walk over here.

He came up with crazy beans.

All right.

Who knows what he's gotta do?

AU Hockey Henry has a huge beard, of course.

And and he's missing like six teeth.

Got that playoscope.

And he's got like a cool, he's already bruised.

And he's like, hey, it's me, Crazy Bean.

And he stares down on

Sherlock Holmes.

I knew you were skates out to the middle of the rink, and in a perfect Benedict Hubberbatch voice, says the following.

God damn it.

Crazy, is it?

Well, looking you over quickly, I can deduce the following things.

One, you've never played this game before.

You're not very good on ice skates.

That beard has been recently but fully grown, somehow implying some sort of magic at work.

And you seem to be, under your fierce stare and grimace, terrified.

Witch.

Ron looks to the crowd.

They're never going to get together.

In the background, Watson.

They're not going to make you happy.

Kiss Cam at this hot game.

It's just going to square.

What the fuck?

Crazy Bean has just been slowly skating closer and closer to Benedict Cumberbatch's moist lips this entire time.

It's like, well, let me tell you something, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock Holmes.

You think that we're enemies, but we'll be something different by the time this AU is over, my friend.

And I can deduce that you're secretly in love with me by the way that you skated over here.

And that's fine by me because I respect myself, but I don't respect you yet.

All intimidation with disadvantage.

Oh, well, that's a two, so that didn't go very well.

Benedict is not intimidated by your attempt at reverse reading him he's famous ref is it five for fighting or five for falking

he looks at you like very perplexed a little kind of weirded out and freaked out he goes no i forgot you were a cat

actually i want to call a timeout real quick can we a huddle can we do a huddle before it starts in the game you can't real quick huddle timeout

guys i'm worried about jeremy like this is too

you're just trying to well i'm just trying to get the people what they want daryl But like, my point is, like, daddy robert, like, normally, like, when someone writes one of these AUs, right, like they make themselves like the cool character at the center of the action, but like, both times now, it's been like Jeremy's been on the sidelines.

You know what I mean?

Like, I gotta say, I actually agree with you.

I'm a little bit concerned, not only that he's not making himself a main character in his own story, but that he's fucking white in fan fiction.

But

I think we need to find a way to make the referee the main character of this AU.

And I think by doing that, we're gonna turn this AU into gold.

Are you going to do it once every round?

You're going to find a way to.

It's a rule of twos, apparently.

It's somehow funny because

I just feel like fan fiction is so often a sexual outlet for marginalized communities that it's kind of hard to extrapolate the kind of sexiness from it.

So it's like.

Where are you going for this one?

I just thought you were using

real marginalized communities having sexual sexual feelings are anti.

I can't even follow you.

I'm just saying that it's a challenge, that we're dealing.

It's a challenge that we're trying to make a 13-year-old the main character of a fan patient.

This hockey AU is on thin ice.

I want to roll insight to see if I don't have inspiration for that.

If Jeremy wants to play in the game.

Go ahead, roll insight.

While this is happening, Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock keeps making eye contact with Henry and fondling the end of his scarf.

I believe I'm minus one insight, so 17.

While he's doing that, Henry looks at Benedict Cumberbatch and fondles the end of his beard.

Jeremy, do you secretly want to be playing in this?

What is it that Daryl sees when he looks into your soul?

You absolutely see the fact that not only does he want to play, he also wants to play in one of the striking positions, but he also you can tell there's like a sense of awe around him that he knows because his dad keeps telling him that when before his dad fucked off, that he's just not strong enough to do it.

He's just not good enough to do it.

He desperately wants to play, but he thinks, well, at least referee, I get to be a part of the game.

So

Daryl looks at henry and like weeks at him he goes all right henry i guess i'll take striker position and then he leaps in the air and then lands to break his own leg

like to fake break it or to really try to break it he's like

well this is fake all this is all fake now right

okay a roll of dexterity with disadvantage because you're trying to hurt yourself or acrobatics i guess a nine and a 16.

so okay a nine uh yeah is definitely gonna to do it.

You land, your ankle rolls, there's a loud snap as some fucking bone in your foot fucks up.

Ah,

Captain, I'm so sorry.

You're going to need this triangle.

And because I have abnormally small feet for my size, it'll have to be a smaller person.

I'm sorry, Daryl.

I thought this was hockey.

I thought you fucking made this hockey.

I'm sorry, I can't.

The only thing I feel capable of doing right now at this wish paint is being a ref.

I'm sorry to ruin the game.

I'm sure they're just gonna find a striker.

As this calamity is going on, Jeremy sort of like skates up and goes, shh, and like stops right at you, spraying you with a bit of ice.

He goes,

what's the problem?

Why aren't you playing?

I broke my leg and this team doesn't have a striker.

And the only thing I can do is being a ref.

But that can't work out because you're a ref, and you're not a striker.

And I guess this game's just ruined because I'm so clumsy.

You see Jeremy looking down at your anger and goes, but the game has to play.

Somebody has to play.

You can't just not play.

Wait,

my skates fell off if only another pair of shoes or another pair of feet could go in these shoes.

Henry's flipping through the rules of the hockey fame and says, according to the book, there's no rule that says a ref can't join one of the teams and be the striker as long as they're a boy pure of heart and brave of spirit.

And I look at Neil like,

look at

Jeremy.

There's a dog waiting in the penalty

We all started.

Oh, Jeremy, I don't want, oh, you probably love roughing.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to force you to do that, but oh, if somebody could be the, if you could be the striker, I guess then my friends could still play hockey.

Jeremy sort of looks around at all of you, looks at your eyes, and looks at Ron.

Yeah, we live for hockey.

He goes, all right, Ron, I'll do it for you.

Oh, and then

for him.

He just gently pats you, goes,

and then just takes off your boots.

Just use your arm.

Pull the hot, pull the skin up, pull the skates off of Daryl's broken skates.

And then puts it on and then just goes and goes, okay, you're going to be the referee.

So you have to like, here's the whiffle.

Great.

Guys, you're going to win.

Henry turns back to Benedict Cumberbatch and says, so what do you say, Sherlock?

Are you?

And then he flips the puck in the air, down to puck.

Oh, God.

Oh, god i blew it i'm sorry i take away that inspiration i gave you earlier two-minute penalty

well the captain

looks like the striker's gonna have to start the play

i toss the puck to jeremy i go i don't know how to play hockey you start

Yeah, I guess you're the captain now, man.

Ron skates up to, who's the actor that plays Watson?

Martin for Martin.

Oh, yeah.

And Ron's like, you're the hot one.

Like, everybody knows that you're the actually hot one.

I don't know why people thought that Sherlock was the hot one.

Off sides.

We're on power plants.

Offsides.

All right, go.

Your team is now two players down.

God damn it.

I'm going to break up this penalty box.

So Jeremy's kicks up and goes, okay, timeout, Ref, timeout.

I got it.

Okay.

Get as many as you want.

When is the game going to start again?

So who's actually left on the team?

It's Henry and Lawren, right?

Glenn.

Glenn.

And Payton.

Payton and Tatty Roper.

Taddy Roper.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

So he calls me in.

Guys, guys, come over.

Listen, we've got to get our shit together.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Listen, let's go for a power move.

Glenn, you're going to take the puck up.

Tatty, you're going to go wide.

I'm going to distract the ref with my...

No, you know what?

Fuck that.

You distract the ref.

I'm going to go for a bug.

Tatty, go wide.

Pass it to me.

And let's just win this game all right very easy very easy I got

Peyton here's how we're gonna distract the ref take out the you start driving the Zamboni immediately just roll it on by the time you say that he's already gone

he's disappeared into the uh wherever the zamboni lives I guess the rest of the team is just sort of watching this happen like all right This is great.

They're all warmed up and now they're all cooled down and we'll be able to beat them.

Let's go.

Quack.

Quack.

Quack.

I know this.

Quack.

Quack.

So we create the flying B formation.

Which is three guys?

Do you want to talk tactics?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good idea.

Now that we actually do have a timeout for real.

Let's have a timeout.

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

I should be out of the penalty box right now.

Oh, no.

Oh, here's what we do.

Roll stealth, and then it'll be like Ron's out of the penalty box.

Okay.

But it would happen while Anthony didn't notice, and then you could be out of the penalty box.

But you'd have to roll back.

Oh, you rolled a 20.

Crazy.

Wow.

Crazy.

Okay, G1.

I rolled a 12, and I'm the ref.

You got to beat a 12.

What did you get?

Four.

Ron!

Ron!

Ron!

It's only like 10 seconds left of the penalty.

Just shut up.

Sorry, I should have read the mid.

Oh, okay.

You're right.

You can roll with advantage.

A one.

A one.

It's only like five seconds left.

You're fine.

Ron, just wait.

Just wait.

Penalty's done.

We waited out the penalty, dude.

Yeah, so you were a lowercase V.

Yes, we're not.

Oh, by the way, you know, Henry's not there.

Henry's disappeared.

Huh?

Without you, it's a line.

You know, lowercase L.

It's a backslash.

Jerry's like, let's get for me.

Henry's like, they don't need that.

It's two kids.

It's out of the penalty box.

Ron left off.

It's out of the penalty box.

Yeah, Brian, while you're gone, that was the two minutes of Ron in the penalty box and Ron's out of the penalty box.

In that that time, the other team scored four goals.

I didn't think that happened.

Payden.

Payden, you got to be the goalkeeper.

You got to stop the puck from going in.

I'm so small.

The puck goes everywhere except for my body.

He's driving the Zamboni, remember?

Oh, that's why there's no one in goalkeeper.

Put the Zamboni in front of the goal.

They'll never stop.

That's allowed.

Okay, we hardcut you 45 minutes later, and you're winning by 30 points because the Zamboni is blocking your goal.

That's how dramatic.

It's got to be like we're down by one and there's three seconds left.

Can you make that happen, Ref?

Sure.

Yeah.

Quidditch rules.

Yeah, it's Quidditch Rules.

The golden puck falls down on and it's like, oh, whoever.

Daryl crawls out to the center and he holds up a golden puck and he looks at both teams.

He's like, now I know the good team is up by how many points?

50.

50 points.

And you, the team that everybody wants to have sex with, is down by 50 points.

But this puck here is worth 51 points.

So you do the math.

I put the puck down in the center and I crawl back.

Play ball.

Okay, the Zamboni's now out of the way.

Everybody's back on the ice.

This is a proper final round of hockey.

What do you do?

I'm going to do it.

Let Jeremy do it.

I'm going to do the hidden punk trick.

Right.

I'll let Jeremy do it.

This is worth Jeremy.

Jeremy's going to pretend like I have it,

but I'm actually going to give it to Jeremy.

Okay, so you're going to pass it.

No, you can't do the hidden puck trick where I'm doing all the stuff.

I'm like,

okay, roll deception.

Can I assist?

Can I roll stealth?

Yes, you can roll stealth.

So Jeremy's sort of going to go parallel on the other side.

Fucked up roll.

Skate with you, like giving you winking and nodding.

Me, the first time I was at a vegan bakery.

You got an eight.

It's funny, I got that.

But I got, I have like plus 11 or something like that.

You do.

You have a very big plus, so that's fine.

So you managed to discreetly pass pass the puck to Jeremy.

Jeremy, what are you going to do with it?

You're just going to power straight forwards.

And

the doctor is standing in front of you.

A beautiful twink blocks your passage.

What do you do?

I'm going to check Doctor Who into the fucking board.

Yeah.

Okay.

Roll.

Send him to another time.

Yeah, you hit him so hard he regenerates.

You hit him so hard, he hits the wall until he lands.

He's masked missed.

Okay, so you're pretty much open, Jeremy.

What would you like like to do I want to charge straight for the goals who's in front of me from the other team who's still left uh Sherlock Watson and Dean and Sam Winchester I think both Dean and Sam Winchester are making out furiously in their corner yeah they're wincesting right in front of the goal and they're both hurt and they're both like trying to pass each other off and be like there's why odds and sexy

start like as you get closer you can see that they're not actually making out but they both have tears in their eyes and Dean is like we just got to block this one goal Sammy we just got to block this one goal and Sam's like Dean dean i don't know man i gotta find mom's demon

i i have a question about wincest

okay is it okay no this is

not this is not really a question this is very this is a very naive question and i'm sorry but i've always wondered this and i've never done my own research really do the wincest stories like all start with them finding out they're adopted Do you know what I mean?

Do they like

that?

I feel like that would defeat the purpose of this.

I can weigh in on this.

Okay.

No.

Okay, then.

Silly guys.

That would just be two normal people having sex.

Yeah, that's the end of the game.

What the hell, Will?

If you watch Porny, you're like, I don't think this girl's really his stepmother.

But no, but here, man, like, the stepbrother thing is like, they're not related.

Do you know what I mean?

But they're still win sex.

Winsex is such a powerful force in the fandom that there is fully one-third of two seasons of Supernatural dedicated to dealing with it.

I'm not kidding.

It is a subplot on the show that they know it exists and they hate it.

So,

I regret that I know this.

Welcome to hell.

How are you going to deal with the homoerotic brothers in front of you?

So, I was thinking tactically, so I might just pull out a gun.

There you go.

It's beginning to believe.

It's your fantasy.

It's your fiction, yeah.

So, but it's not a gun that kills them.

It just sort of like makes them adopt it.

It makes them adopt it.

He sort of pulls the gun at one of them and goes, read this.

And he pulls it and it fires and it's a deed.

And it puts out very clearly that the lines, they're sort of where their parents are from, where their hometown was, that they're clearly, it's okay if they want to fuck.

It's just

like, we're essentially attracted to each other.

It kind of ruins it.

It's got like the inverse of that Icelandic app that they all have to use.

Yeah.

Okay, so roll.

What's that role, Anthony?

Rolling system.

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

Persuasion.

That's not going to go well.

That is at 16, actually.

Okay, that's cool.

They look at the deed, and then they slowly look up to each other, and then they embrace their hands, and they just skate off the ice together.

And as they do that, I'm going to line up a PowerShell and just fucking smash it.

Wait, right before he does that, in the stands, you see

Henry has dressed up like Jeremy's father.

Oh

my God.

I don't even know what he looks like.

I asked scam likely what his dad looks like.

Like this.

Okay, and so then I dressed up like that.

And Henry's there, like, you're not strong enough, Jeremy.

You

glare at him.

Fucking gamble, Will.

But this is going to be the one that puts it over, right?

Do you know what I mean?

Roll intimidation, which you want to fail.

I got a seven.

Oh, you did fail.

Your words have a lot of spite behind them, but they do not actually affect Jeremy.

Jeremy finds a bravery within himself as he shoots the puck.

Go ahead and give me a ranged attack roll, please, Jeremy.

That is not good.

That's not good good at all.

Ron wants to inspire Jeremy.

Okay.

Yeah.

How?

Again.

By dressing up as his mom

and skating off to the side and being like, Jeremy, we're so proud of you.

I got a four initially, but if I get inspiration, I'm willing to roll it again.

Yeah, go ahead.

Thank you very much.

A

13.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, it's okay, because in hockey, if you miss, it'll just come back around to you.

That's an open net.

That's kind of the problem with hockey.

Do you ever realize that?

It works because in hockey, you miss 99% of the

goal!

The golden buck hits the back of the net.

And the good team wins by 101 points.

Incredibly close match.

A golden trophy descends from the sky, seemingly just hovering like the fucking trophy cups from Mario Kart 64, and it lands in the center of the ice.

This belongs to Stanley.

Where is he?

This is Stanley Coatman.

In the stands, you see Henry as Jeremy's father going, No, I bet all my money against my son.

Darryl goes, I haven't felt this good since I went to an orphanage and I look like a Jeremy.

Daryl, I thought you haven't felt this good since before you broke your leg.

Glenn skates up.

Ref, it's time to name the MVP of the match.

Yeah, it's like Overwatch.

Just like an Overwatch, we show the play.

We're playing the game.

The MVP of the match is only one person who, with a single goal, made 51 points, which is more than double the entire points of the match.

And that goes to Jeremy.

So Jerry, you can see Jeremy looking around and sort of raises up his little stick and sort of goes up to to Ron and hugs Ron.

Oh, we should Ron!

And just stands there.

You see, you see, right in the corner of his eye, he just looks so happy.

But he also sort of like looks looking around in the stands for somebody who's no longer there.

And he looks a little confused and looks around.

And then he sees, are you still his dad?

Yeah, he's his father being hauled away by two loan sharks.

But you see him sort of like dismiss that, and he's still looking around for somebody that's just not there.

And then his sort of like stick comes down and he just holds the trophy up and goes, oh no, we did it.

So as you touch the trophy, the ice dissolves underneath you and you find yourself falling, falling, falling.

Just to be clear, Daryl's leg is still for sure broken.

You feel yourself falling and then you feel yourself land on hard ground.

Everybody lands fairly except for Daryl.

Daryl, you did this, man.

You said it was fake.

You said you didn't have a wife anymore.

I don't.

What's happening?

Okay, my legs are broken.

Okay.

Okay, so as they were letting you land,

I did have, I landed on one leg.

You guys had two legs to land on.

I had one.

I broke the other leg.

It's fine.

I'll make it through.

It's not real like you said.

Yeah.

So both of your legs are broken.

Yeah.

Over the sound of your own screams, you hear music being played on mandolins and other stringed instruments drums.

Oh no, it's the arcade fire AU.

You're already outnumbered by like 16 to 5.

All around you, you see a booth set up.

You see long strings with like ribbons on them, decorations.

And more than that, you see actually something that's pretty familiar to you.

You see humans and elves, orcs, and teetlings and teethlings.

And you feel like, to some extent, you're back in the forgotten realm.

No.

Henry, literally, just by like touching the ground and tasting, he's like, we're in a Renfair AU.

That's it, right?

No.

No!

That would have been cool.

As you say so, Henry.

No, I know.

We're in a Renfair AU.

Okay, guys.

So here's Polyamory is the name of the game, okay?

We're all here.

We're all groovy.

We're here to eat turkey legs and just have a good time.

You're going to find the guy who does the weird glass blowing.

That's your end.

As all of you are getting to your feet, you see a pair of well-manicured too soon.

Too soon, bro.

You see an extremely well-dressed pair of legs approach you.

You're looking up.

I'm doing like a fucking legs go all the way up.

I wish I had that.

Oh, it's a it's a Muppet Babies AU.

This is the mom for Muppet Babies.

You see a very attractive man walking toward you with very pale skin and bright white hair.

And Amanda, what does he say or do?

Oh no.

I uh I uh

oh, he's so shy.

Oh my god, he's so shy.

Makes him so much hotter.

He doesn't want to smell me,

even though we're in chemistry class together.

He looks like he wants to eat you.

He sort of glances you all over more or less dismissively and lingers over

Daryl.

and goes, darling, are you going to use all that blood?

Oh God, that's

so much.

Well, this just took an interesting time.

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Are you a vampire?

What?

Why would you ask me?

Because you asked me about my blood.

You didn't say like, are you okay?

Straightforward, bro.

You just went straight for the blood straight for blood.

I can see you're not okay.

Both of your legs are broken.

I mean, yeah, I would love to use this blood, but it's pretty bad once it leaves the body, so you can have it.

it's all right daryl this is one of the guys at the red terrace

they're answering the question you asked me hi there um which way to the turkey legs the what do they take apple pay at this fair you're deranged i like that so you hear carnival barkers all around you you can tell that you are in the city of baldur's gate during

a festival you were in a circus literally kill me

yeah we're in a circus

with lots of other people around as well a ton of other people all of whom will be voiced by you.

Baldur's Gate.

Where's Valto?

And you see a stage where a couple of minstrels are playing songs, and then they come off.

And an NPC who's like pretty well designed, considering how many of them there are in the game, but like not so designed that you feel like he's got a quest associated with him, walks up onto the stage.

Very, very thin needle to thread there.

Walks up onto the stage and says, so everybody knows the Baldur's Gate Talent Show, the third annual one, is happening right now.

And if you can come up and if you're the most entertaining people in the city, in the fair, in the circus, we will give you this.

Very granular.

Yeah.

We will make a statue out of you.

And he gestures at a big hunk of rock with a guy with a chisel next to it, like waiting, like feral, waiting to carve into it with his hammer and chisel.

Jeremy, do you want that statue?

Yes.

Very good.

Very much.

That's good.

That makes sense.

Just so I understand, guys, is this like an AU where we're all in something that's much better and more successful than the thing that we are into?

Oh, Henry, you could turn turn into a bear and then

what, Ron?

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Jimmy, you were going to say something about the statue that you wanted.

Yeah, the thing is about the statue is that you have to be really good at the talent show, which means you have to be in front of people to do a thing.

And I've never been able to do it because you have to, it's really people watching you.

Okay.

Oh, and by the way, the judge for the talent show is our friend Asterian the vampire.

And he gestures at the white lady.

I want to hear more from this vampire.

I bet he wants to talk a lot right now.

I'd like to hear you.

Asterion!

Hi, I have a lot of questions about

the talent show.

This is male.

We don't know the rules.

Yeah, could you explain the rules?

Could you say it in that funny and very specific way that you say it?

But don't tell us we're the adults.

Jeremy here, this kid, he wants to hear the rules from you.

If you can just make eye contact with him

while you're saying it,

that'd be great.

Will it help if I hold your hand like you do?

Yeah, these are all wonderful suggestions, and I'm so happy that we're doing them.

Astarian says,

oh, good.

Idiots and children, my favorite.

Come here, little

boy and child.

They're holding hands.

He's too young to hold hands, right?

I'm barely holding a singer.

Why is it sticky?

Yeah, it looks like you're holding space for the lyrics of Define Grandma.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy now.

You're happy.

We're in queer media, so

go up on the stage.

Do something fabulous.

Don't let me get bored.

So Jeremy

takes his hand, like, looks at the hand, and sort of looks at

all of you, and just sort of goes up there and stands there and goes,

Here's my act.

And he sort of looks around.

He's got these like different balls suddenly appear out of nowhere.

And they're different colours.

And he sort of like puts the balls in one hand and he takes like a handkerchief.

And then he sort of does this.

And goes.

It's an audio media, my friend.

Oh, that's right.

It is not.

No, the thing is, I got too comfortable.

That's what happened.

I was like, this is going to be.

This is fantastic.

I just

showed you

four little balls that appear.

He puts them in his hand, takes like a red handkerchief, drapes it across his hand, and he goes, poof, and they just disappear from his hand.

And Glenn's in the crowd.

Whoa!

Holy fucking shit!

What the fuck?

Bolt with

witchcraft, burn him!

Okay, roll performance.

He's sweating quite a lot, which is sort of art imitation.

I want to press up because he's nervous.

Yeah,

I thought he was going to jump.

That is a six.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Anthony, I have a question.

I have a question.

Can I lend bardic inspiration than the sense that I was shouting, holy fucking shit, what the fuck just happened?

Sounds like bardic inspiration to me, yeah.

All right.

So you say, roll again?

I mean, that's not how bardic inspiration.

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead, roll Anthony.

This is what I got.

Anthony is what I got, though, Anthony.

Anthony's what I got.

You're not supposed to roll.

Whatever.

Yeah, we rolled Bardic Inspiration.

Isn't that a D6 plus or something like that?

Yeah, it's a D6 plus.

So you got a natural 20, Freddy?

I did.

Cool.

Doesn't mean anything you weren't supposed to roll anything.

Can you save that one for later?

I want to bang it.

I want you to bang it.

Put that one in your pocket like the fucking villager from Animals Crossing and Smash.

Can we put that roll in the fridge?

so you rolled what jeremy initially a six um with plus three i guess fray do you have mass suggestion oh no here's what i do you know that fireworks spell that i have behind him

right

but then behind him a sick fireworks show goes off okay silently

okay so in this world quiet where everyone has magic

yeah they saw a guy make a couple balls disappear

behind a silent parade of fireworks behind him.

That's what you think impressed them.

But the fireworks are like those Chinese drone shows.

You have time.

Yes.

It's very slow moving, but it's like a guy.

You know what I'm saying?

Have you seen these shows?

I don't know.

But like all the people around you, I assume we're being like, yeah, that's a candy.

Yeah, they're barely impressive now, and we don't have magic.

How does Astarian react to seeing this?

Could not look more bored and slightly creeped out.

And also, sort of like, obviously, attention is being drawn away.

He's is still sort of just like eyeing Daryl, where he has been left by his friends to bleed out helplessly on the ground, which is like much more appealing than whatever the fuck else is happening.

Daryl, you're winning him over.

I was asking questions.

Bribe him, Daryl.

Bribe him with your blood, Daryl.

Oh,

whoever wins, hey, AU,

Asteria.

Yeah, look at me, Asteria.

Don't look at him.

Look at him.

Look at you.

Look at me.

I don't really know how these things work, but like, if there's anything I could do to sweeten the pot,

I gotta, like, place it all in my blood.

I'm like, as you say, that leg is like a squirt from your promotion.

It's like, look, I can just leave me enough to live.

I'll close my eyes.

Just take what you want.

Daryl, it's okay.

Maybe we'll have like a Gray's Anatomy AU or a House MD AU.

Just hang on, buddy.

I am.

I'm going to remember.

I'm closing my eyes.

I know this isn't real.

This is never going to come out of this.

It's just somebody's fan fiction.

It's not real.

That's a great idea, Daryl.

Jeremy, maybe your talent could be writing fan fiction extemporaneously on this stage.

But people can read.

I don't know if I want people to read it or not.

That's fair.

Some talents aren't made for talent shows.

It's not the fault of the talent.

Henry would like to talk to Scam likely again real quickly.

I grab a phone.

He's behind you.

Scam.

Hello.

Hey, it doesn't seem like it's going very well.

I don't know.

It seemed like Darrell was making some headways.

You can drain me dropping.

No, no, no.

I mean, like, this is all going great, but I mean, it also felt like at the end of the last AU, Jeremy, like, he was looking for someone.

You know, is there anyone else that like he misses?

Do you know anything about like his whole deal?

It just seems like he's still kind of sad.

So I just don't want him to win this one, too, and then still be sad.

Like, so, like, what's that little extra thing we're missing?

Do you know what I mean?

I think it's his mom.

But Ron was there as his mom last time.

Yeah, but Ron is not the best at dressing up.

Like, Ron looked like Ron.

Oh, man.

Hey, scam.

Scam.

What?

Ooh, nice legs.

Thanks.

Is his mom, like,

are we going to find the mom?

Is the mom in the picture?

I did some research.

This poor, poor boy, his parents abandoned him, told him they would be back.

with cigarettes

with fantasy cigarettes.

Both of them.

And both of them abandoned him because they couldn't support.

Mom and dad.

Yes.

Both of them sucked.

Yes.

Okay.

Which is why it's okay that he goes to an orphanage.

Cool.

Who in this world do you just call to bring a kid to an orphanage?

You don't have to take it against his will.

I'm not saying against his will.

Oh, fine.

We'll figure it.

Just hang up.

I can't.

I'm right behind you.

You're behind me.

Why are you taking on the phone?

I don't know.

Oh, hey, scam.

Hey, what's up?

Not much.

So, you can let this vampire bite you or what?

No.

Yeah, I liked where this was going, by the way.

I think we should adapt Jeremy and re-record all of season one.

But if we killed me, and then Jeremy did my voice and acted like me for the rest of the show, so it's still canonical.

And you call me Peyton, but I'm actually Jeremy.

During this entire conversation, Astarian has knelt down and has like three

really nice goblets and now a canteen that he's just holding up next to the army.

You're like, Yeah, Asterian, it's called improv

We're master daddy.

Guys,

I have one thought on how to get Jeremy to an orphanage.

On how Jeremy could really, he could win this thing.

Okay.

It's only if Jeremy is like okay with doing this when he's not at work.

But maybe Astarian

is really into impressions.

And maybe Jeremy could do an impression of Astarian.

Do you know what I mean?

And that seems like something that, like, I don't know, the audience would be excited to get.

Maybe

Scam Jesus.

That sounds like a good idea, but he's definitely going to have to roll performance, and that will determine how good the impression is.

Maybe, Scam, you can be the new judge, and you close your eyes, and you try to tell which one is Astarian or something like that.

Do you know what I mean?

Just impress Astarian.

I like that.

Does Jeremy think this is an okay plan?

Jeremy is not sure who Astarian is, but is up for it.

Vampire.

Oh, there's God.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Sucking Daryl dry right now.

God damn it.

Jeremy, hey, it's me, Henry.

We haven't had a lot of time to talk on the adventure other than when I was a dog earlier.

That was honestly, that was pretty freaky.

Oh, well, I didn't mean to scare you.

That's sort of a therapy thing we do in our office.

That never happens in orphanages.

Sorry, what?

I'm just putting it out there that freaky stuff like that doesn't happen

in orphanages.

I was just sorry.

I was just saying.

This does happen in grocery stores in LA.

I'm like, he's my service dog.

It's okay that he's not on a leash.

I think one way to win that, this judge seems like if you just like made fun of him in his own voice or something like that, that seems like it would go really well.

Do you think you can do that?

Can you be mean?

You don't seem like a mean kid, but like maybe you got a lot of anger bottled up over like what happened with no offense, your parents.

And like you could just kind of unload that on him or something like that.

I think I could try that.

Okay.

Yeah, but okay.

And he seems like there's a little tiny little tear in his eye when you mention parents.

Oh, and he just sort of sits like a touchy subject.

I think I could do it.

You know what?

Henry taps you in the chest.

He's like, use that.

Yeah.

Okay, so go ahead and roll performance.

All right, well, this is like a really fucked up version of a backwards audition.

Quick question.

Does the scam know that in general, kids don't choose to go to orphanages?

It's just, it's a thing.

That's like the state does.

It's not like

the rules are different in this world.

Daryl.

You've got two broken legs that you shut

i mean i don't have a wife and no good orphanages here and my legs are gonna be fine after this yeah because i told you i will write a house engine fan pip so good it will fix you write up jeremy what did you get for your roll i got 13.

you see sort of jeremy sort of like flexing his shoulders sort of like flopping his hair and just generally being kind of like a bit of a thirst trap and it's just sort of standing there and thumbs up to henry uh i rolled a 13 i have no idea what that means i'm gonna roll a D20.

And if I roll higher than you, you have to do a baddest, Arian.

Okay.

Excellent.

My worst.

Okay, good.

I rolled a 19.

Right.

We don't want that.

Oh, God.

Okay, so this is how my career ends.

Excellent.

Come to Dungeons and Daddies.

It would be fun.

Let's just do a little show.

So he comes to the center and goes,

hello?

Glass of water?

Oh, yeah.

He takes a glass of water.

No, Tara, I'll get it.

Just dare, okay.

Yeah, he takes it from my coach, acting coach.

Hello, darling.

Careful.

I bite.

And then just after that, just puts his hands to the sides and opens up his head and just looks at the audience, then looks at...

Henry and just winks.

Beautiful.

Just like we rehearsed it.

Well, the nice thing is that Asterian's been like straight pounding human blood, like fresh, hot human blood.

So, canonically, he's wasted.

So, this is the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life, and he fucking loves it and doesn't even take the chalice away from his mouth, so he can't speak, but is like

waving his hand.

The man with the chisel, they're fucking chrome, dude.

The man with the chisel looks at Astarian and sees Astarian waving him forward as if to say, This kid wins.

And chisels a statue of Astarian.

Sorry, chisels the statue of Jeremy really.

It actually is very funny.

standing.

He is a statue of the judge.

Jeremy.

Oh my God, not only did he win the talent.

Did you see who was in the crowd?

It's the Talent Scouts without orphanage.

They're looking for the best orphans.

When you say who's in the crowd, Jeremy immediately sort of like looks forward.

He goes, Is she?

And he just looks around.

Yes, I am.

In the role of a lifetime, is now playing

Astarian's mother?

Is playing Jeremy's mother.

Rob Deception or performance?

No, I'm playing Jeremy.

I was already

playing.

You did a bad job, Brian.

You did a bad job, and he didn't believe you.

That's not true.

That is I, your mother.

No, it is I.

So you look, Jeremy looks out and crowds these two mothers.

Jeremy, we are your mothers.

No, I'm the true mother.

Guys says sexual intention between the two mothers.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, fellow mother, we are not related, are we?

Oh, I did.

And he goes, ah, and runs up and touches the statue before you can kiss each other.

And as he does, the world of Baldur's Gate falls away and is replaced with darkness.

And you find yourselves in the room of an inn, a fairly fantasy-ass kind of inn.

Again, not unfamiliar to you.

And you come to a horrible realization, which is...

My legs are still broken.

Well, your legs are definitely still broken.

You realize...

Given the number of you

and given the number of beds,

one of you is going to have to share beds with another person for the night.

I can just sleep on the floor, guys.

I can't really get that.

No, we're not doing that to Daryl.

He's got two broken legs.

We should all stay in one bed.

So you all stay in one bed.

The next one.

Just to be clear, the kids get the other beds.

The kids get the access.

Except the kids.

The two kids are in one bed.

No, the kids each have their own beds.

Kids can't share beds.

That's okay.

The dads all wake up.

Each of you, please give me a constitution roll.

Oh no, I got a one.

Okay.

Winner winner chicken dinner.

12 plus one.

I also got a one, Will.

Oh no.

Oh no.

13.

When you wake up, you notice two things.

Specifically, two bulging things.

What?

You see that Ron and Henry appear to have gotten pregnant.

How did did this happen?

And you see, within their bellies, something is glowing.

The baby itself is the totem that will allow you to escape this fanfic.

And you can feel suddenly there's two splooshes and stereos as your waters break.

Oh my god.

Where's the birth plan?

Who has the birth plan?

It's been a while.

I'm dilating.

I can't talk to this wife.

She's mid.

Jeremy, what the fuck?

Jeremy.

Jeremy, Jeremy's over.

Are you like the doctor in this one?

What's going on?

Jeremy Sword's hands are open.

I wrote this one myself.

This is a scam like the original.

Sorry.

Oh, gosh.

We need to find that one guy that got us both pregnant.

Yeah, where is he?

Oh, no.

It must be.

Glenn, Glenn, you glenn.

You put this baby in me and you're going to get it out.

Oh, Glenn.

Ron.

What?

Ron and Henry, you're both adults.

You're in the same situation.

I think you two should just figure it out.

You should just help each other.

Yeah.

Yeah, anybody who's pregnant should just figure it out.

Probably.

The maternity war is just like, ah, we found that other one.

No, no, no, no.

Pregnant mom huddle.

Okay, so.

Jeremy, Jeremy, this is only for pregnant moms and our coven of male outbirths.

So if you have to step outside for a second, we have something very important to talk to you about.

So if you could just like do like a fan fiction thing and think about fan fiction or just, okay, okay, guys, he's out of the room.

Ron and I need to die in childbirth.

Oh, and then we're going to give birth to the kids.

And you're going to show that it's okay and cool when kids go to orphanages because you're going to take the kids to an orphanage.

And that's how Jeremy's going to learn that orphanages are cool.

Okay.

Oh, so like, no, no, the kids are born, then you die.

Yes, we're going to die.

No, the kids get born.

Okay.

Oh, sure.

That was a lot like that.

Wait, I thought this was an AU, not America.

Okay, I don't know how we make that happen.

You're the doctor.

You're the doctor with super lucky.

Do you think I'm the doctor?

You think it's just going to automatically happen?

Like, I'm such a bad doctor that when I deliver the baby, you will die?

I got it, Daryl.

It's very simple.

Okay.

This is very important.

All right.

Don't kill us for real.

No, no, no.

I got it.

You have to make it look like we're dead.

Okay.

Both of you.

Pull.

Oh, no, I did it backwards.

It's coming out of my mouth now.

That must kill the mother.

Yeah.

You shoved it out on your little baby.

Oh, man.

I leaned out the door.

I go,

Jeremy, it's not going to grant it there.

It's pretty normal.

Yeah, no, this isn't for kids.

I'll update you in a second.

I got an idea.

Oh, which a good idea.

I'll be right back, Jeremy.

Should I just stand here and say,

baby, dollars here?

It's just our turn.

Ron covers himself in the blood from Daryl's legs.

Oh.

And then walks out.

He's like, hey, I'm the baby.

I was just born.

And my mom's dead.

Oh, no.

That's fine.

It's fine, though.

It's even cool.

I'm going to go to her orphanage now.

Roll deception.

Please, God.

Glenn as the doctor goes, damn, that's the coolest child I've ever met.

I got a 12.

Why don't you roll a posed insight, Jeremy?

Sure thing.

I got a 16.

That's Ron, baby.

That is Ron covered in fake blood.

So Jeremy just takes her hand and goes, Ron,

you did a bad thing.

You're right.

Taddy is sort of like.

Oh, hi, Taddy.

Ron, go back.

Go back in there.

You're right.

I I gotta go give birth.

Yes,

you always over here, Henry just

teddy closes the door, so now it's just Jeremy, Daddy, and Peyton, right?

Yeah, all the kids.

Adults are weird.

Yeah, this is sort of not where I thought this was gonna go.

Not at all, no.

I was quite looking forward to more.

I thought he could be on it.

That's okay.

I mean, I guess it's their playtime.

So, no, you know what?

Um, hey, hey, Payton, want for you first?

We've got sticks.

It's wet out.

That's why they didn't have enough rooms.

We had to share beds or whatever.

Uh, let's go play hockey outside.

We'll be guys push babies out of belly buttons or whatever, fuck.

Um, Peyton, yeah, you got a parent, right?

Now, you got a one?

I think I do not know that yet, but probably, yes.

Somewhere out there waiting for you?

Somewhere out there, I have a doubt.

So, I'm a pan-dimensional being, so I sort of know a lot of things.

How you do it?

I mean, so right now, you don't got no parents at all.

That's true.

I'm living footloose and fancy-free.

Yeah.

Well, sort of.

I feel better with an authority figure in my life, like the kind that work at orphanages.

Meanwhile, you hear the background.

What do you mean?

There's no one pedural baby.

I need ice chips.

I'm working on my breathing.

I'm finding you.

Glenn on his phone.

All right, just keep on going.

So you hear the clacking sounds of the three kids outside playing hockey and seemingly having a very good time as Jeremy, for the first time, is hanging out with two kids of his own age.

It's a bunch of weird fucking kids.

And then you guys are giving birth

how is that both of you all both of you roll constitution oh wait no that's my poop

both of you roll constitution oh no i got a nine i got an 11.

make a wish

so both of the babies get stuck

and a werewolf has to come in and bite them free

because this is

not covered by my hmo

actually a twilight fan ron what

that happens twilight Ron, enter the werewolves here.

Hey?

Anybody got a stuck baby?

Yeah, me too.

I do.

Okay.

I will bond with it a second it comes out then.

Make sure you don't do anything till it's 18, right?

No, not at all.

Okay, that's fine.

But I'll be thinking about it.

So the werewolf doula helps deliver your baby.

Hey, that was my job.

You were on your phone.

And look at how well I did.

Oh, my God.

This beautiful baby.

It's glowing.

I've always, it's glowing.

It has a weird

sad face.

The one thing that I could never truly share with Mercedes, my wife, was the experience of childbirth.

And now I've experienced it.

Now you know everything that a woman knows.

Now I know everything a woman knows.

Wow, the power of fan fiction really is wonderful.

I think that's what I have learned today, is that maybe I should write some MPREG fan fiction when I get home.

As you say that, the world around you melts again, and you find yourselves back in the shack where you originally met Jeremy.

And Scam likely appears out of the four roads and goes, Well, I hope you all learned something very important today.

I did, Scam.

I learned what it is to experience what every birthing parent goes through, and it was wonderful, magical, and incredibly painful.

And there's a hole in my body now where it came out.

So, I mean, that hole was already there,

it's much bigger now.

Yeah, can I get a husband's statue?

Oh, Oh, my.

See, and I go to Jeremy, I go, see, Jeremy,

these two mothers sucked.

You can have moms that suck, Jeremy.

Jeremy, how was your time there?

Because you aren't with us most of the time.

So you see, Jeremy, but he's actually kind of his back's to you, and he's not really taking you in.

Instead, what he's doing is he's actually making a very small picture.

And you can tell that it's a picture, like a stick figure almost, like kind of almost baby-ish.

But it's clearly that of a woman.

Okay.

And she's just there alone.

And he just looks at it and goes, I can never see her.

I try to, but she's never in.

She's never there.

Your mom?

Yeah, get his ass.

And then he sort of goes, yeah, Ron.

It's the reason that my dad left.

I was never strong enough.

She got trapped and I tried to go for help,

but it wasn't strong enough because

she got crushed by this tree.

I guess I was wrong about why the whole leaving situation.

I apologize for telling you the wrong thing, guys.

And she looks up at Scam lightly and goes, Scam, you've helped.

Hell yeah.

I think it's time to move on with my life.

And I think you're right.

I probably should go to the office.

And then Glenn turns the pain like, Jesus, you're right.

This kid is a downer.

Jeremy, there's nothing that provides more a vibrant environment for writing than a really sad, fucked up thing.

That's beautiful.

Thank you for sharing, Jeremy.

You're welcome, bro.

That was beautiful, Jeremy.

I feel, I'm glad you got where you are.

I feel like we didn't do much.

I feel like we might have, but it seems like you came out the other side pretty good.

You know, Jeremy, I think the only A you need is one of these.

A.

You are a cool kid.

He looks at Henry and smiles, thumbs up.

He looks over at Peyton and also Tassie.

And he just goes, you know what?

I had a really good time today.

Hey, me too, man.

Oh,

the kids helped.

That was another fun thing.

We didn't have to do anything.

None of us got no parents.

So, you know.

Yeah, if anything, this whole adventure taught me that you don't really need adults around to have a good time.

Except for the adults that at the orphanage.

But there's a bunch of kids at the orphanage.

You need kids your own age to hang out with.

So, you know, the orphanage has that.

Let's go together.

I'll stay with you.

I'll abandon these guys and stay with you permanently.

Payden, you don't need to go.

I called them a long time ago.

You got to hear them outside.

Yeah.

The orphanage people come and they grab Jeremy.

And they go, you have no say in this.

And they drag him back to Waterdeep.

Thank you so much for listening to our special.

Thank you so much to Amanda Schuckman and Neil Newbon for showing up and doing this stupid, stupid thing with us.

You're very welcome.

And thank you for listening.

Merry Christmas.

This was a Christmas episode.

Yeah, all this happened during Christmas, by the way.

This is a Christmas.

Thank you for listening to this one shot.

Your DM was Anthony Birch.

Daryl Wilson was played by Matt Arnold.

Henry Oak was played by Will Campos.

Ron Stampler was played by Beth May.

Glenn Close was played by Freddie Wong.

A very special thanks to Neil Newbon, who played Jeremy Pithbottom.

Pissbottom?

Pithbottom?

And Amanda Schuckman, who played Tatty Roper, Sherlock Holmes, and the one and only Astarion.

Our theme song All Right was composed by Maxton Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Ellis, Hey That's Me, is our lead editor.

And Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

Did you know the Dad Hammer episode 2 dropped this week for patrons?

Have a little preview.

Whoa, whoa, hold on.

This guy doesn't look this.

You don't look.

How old are you?

How old are you?

This many, he says, holding up nine.

I can't count.

You're going to have to say.

They didn't have anything.

What number?

I'm nine going on ten.

Nine.

Nine.

And I have my own almo.

Where are you already killed?

I've already killed two hellotics today.

Muscles.

I'm building up them.

I'm there.

Can I kick you over?

Oh, I fall into my back like a turtle.

For just $5 a month, you can get this mini-series and many others, as well as our after shows, bonus one-shots, videos, so much stuff it would probably take you all of 2025 to get through.

And with that, here's to 2025.

The Peachyville Horror will be returning in January.

brought you down.

Never brought you down.

I have not conferred with Anthony at all about what we're doing.

Oh, this is great.

Oh my god, I love that you call him Anthony.

That's great.