S3 Ep. 15 - The Day The Center of the Earth Stood Still

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

With roars, growls, and howls,

Hollywood's ancient Bigfoots have always given us the willies.

But this week, researchers and

let us hear what a real ancient Bigfoot sounds like.

That's the voice of Scarlet Fury Fiasco, a Bigfoot queen who lived in the infamous Project Heartland Research Stasis Chamber thousands of years or thousands of days ago.

Scientists were able to mimic Queen Fiasco's voice by recreating her Bigfoot mouth and vocal cords with a 3D printer.

It allowed them to produce a single sound.

Queen Fiasco was chosen for this research because of her historic encounter with the Guttural Screams, the intrepid Peachyville bowling team who encountered the mighty queen on their quest to retrieve the keys to the

device, a weapon of horrific power that left

and thousands of innocent people.

And though many would come to fear the guttural screams in the days that followed, now we can imagine how scared they must have felt when they first heard Queen Fiasco's mighty guttural roar.

For Bigfoot News Network, I'm Harry Hugemouth.

Well, the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a PDSM podcast.

Peachyville.

That sounds terrible.

That sounds really bad.

We're in season three.

It's the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in a suburban 1950s America.

I play heavy thinking, no, deep thinking.

Heavy thoughts.

Heavy first word again.

Big, big thinking plumber.

Imagine they say, like, heavy.

Heavy.

Well, I was like, yeah, I didn't even feel like I got you.

Blake Lively's got those.

Now, now it's weird because it's that actual person.

Never mind.

It's weird.

It's always been an actual person.

It's always been like the joke I was going to make.

Then it sounds like I'm making a joke about the person and it's crazy.

You were going to say heavy naturals.

Say heavy naturals.

And I'm like, no, that's a real person.

No, I pray that.

That's what I'm saying about Freddie's character.

It's mine.

She's got small titties.

I'm deep thinking plumber Blake Lively.

Blake has joined the team, and I thought that this week's Blake fact, Blake's favorite article of clothing,

that's a good one.

Overalls.

Because overall, there's a lot of pockets.

And then you know how overalls have like, there's the inner pockets up top.

Do you have time about that?

Yeah, the pockets inside the pockets.

Pockets?

No, no, no.

The normal pockets on the outside.

But then there's like a set that's up by like the chest rig.

In a lot of ways, overalls were the first chest rig when it comes to like storing things up by your pecs.

They got the cigs, right?

That's where you put the cigarettes.

Edley does not smoke.

Oh, okay.

But that's what, yeah, that's what it's for.

Do you?

That's not, no, no, no, no, no.

There's no way that they created a cigarette pocket.

It's a cigarette pocket.

Most farmers smoke two packs a day in the 1950s.

I would love to be able to incorporate overalls into my look, but like this feels like if you weren't wearing them already, you're gone.

It's too late.

No, no, no.

Like if I walked with you Lamar with a set of overalls on, you guys would be like, what the fuck, Will?

What are you doing?

You could do it if you're like a Manic Pixie dream girl.

Yeah, what's really upsetting, though, is I look so cute in a pair of like shortalls.

Or like, I don't know if you would call them a pair because they're a big thing.

But shortalls, I look great in.

I go to picnics.

I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm looking so cute.

I wear overalls and they're like, who's this guy?

Who's this big toddler walking in here?

Oshkosh Pagosh.

Who's that?

I look terrible.

Well, if you wore overalls, look at who you're with.

The only person who would comment comment is Beth.

The three of us, I don't think I've ever commented on anything you wear.

I don't think I've ever noticed when somebody changes an outfit.

I've never heard of that.

There were three people who could not share overalls, dude, you would be like, why are you wearing overalls?

I don't even notice when you shave your head.

I want to go.

So then Beth would be like, hey, you shaved your head.

I'd be like, oh, yeah, you did.

I want to inform everybody that Oshkosh Bogosh, creator of the world's greatest overalls, has not.

According to my brief internet search, has never done a collaboration with Windows No, with Minions, which seems like the mess of a life.

Just the name of their fucking store sounds like something the minions are.

Guys, my gosh.

Sorry, I'm still thinking of the concept of Jinko overalls right now.

Oh, Jinko overalls.

If you want to see what they look like, my name is Jinko overalls.

Bibs are real in and snowboarding right now.

I personally do not wear a bib while I'm snowboarding because I like to be able to pee.

And it's a pain in the ass if you don't have a penis to pee when you're like wearing a bib.

You have to take the whole thing off.

And that's ridiculous.

This is my move.

This is the move.

I get into snowboarding.

Okay.

I start wearing overall adjacent clothing when I'm snowboarding.

And then I come into work one day holding my board, and I'm like, oh, I'm going to hit the slopes later.

That's why I'm wearing these kind of overalls.

And I do that enough that you get to be used to the image, and then I slowly start sort of zippering in normal overalls.

Good news, Will, on Poshmark right now, rare vintage 90s Jinko wide leg cargo denim overalls.

Adult unisex L rave.

And the distance.

is a sexy.

Unisex because you need sex when you fucking wear these.

Yeah, really quick.

And then the description.

If these overalls could talk,

Jesus Christ.

All right, we're doing a podcast.

Who's next?

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's.

Happy, she's happiest schoolmar.

She's talking about school marrow.

I'm still talking about overall.

She's a jinkoist.

Jinkoist.

She's really jinkoistic.

She is the happiest schoolmar.

And you know what she always says?

I think teaching is less a job and more a calling, but that doesn't mean I want you all calling me after office hours.

Anyways,

boundaries are important.

Matt, you would be such a good fucking teacher.

I would love to do it someday.

Matt, you look so good in Jinko overall.

She looks so good with overalls and being a teacher.

Very fast fact, very fast fact about Kelsey.

She doesn't have a lot to her name, but she is the first at something.

She's very famous.

Well, not famous, but she will be someday.

She is the first teacher to Red Vine.

She started the Red Vine.

The red vine game, taking that tub of red vines and having on her desk and sharing red vines to students.

She's the first teacher to ever be like, red vines is where it's at.

Do your teachers not have red vines?

My teachers had red vines.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I started.

I'm not familiar with them.

It checks out.

They were invented in the 1950s, man.

I double-checked.

They were made in the 1920s, but they became red vines in the 1950s.

What were they before?

Black and white?

That's good.

That's good.

I like that phrase.

I think they're just called red licorice or something.

But yeah, she started it.

She started the fad.

Teachers that are still using red vine, you can think Kelsey.

Do they come in the big bucket?

Oh, yeah.

I thought that was the other ones.

No,

revines are in the bucket.

Twizzlers are in a pack.

Twizzlers are in the pack.

That's the difference between like a clip and a magazine for all you

says.

For all you patriots out there.

When you get the pistol with like the big drum magazine and go,

that's what a red vine bucket is.

The red vine bucket was the original high capacity magazine.

I'm Anthony.

I play.

What were you about to say, Freddie?

Hey, Anthony.

Oh, God.

You sound like Jason Funderberger.

Shout out to my over-the-garden wall heads.

I'm Anthony Birch, and I play Francis Varnsworth, the kid with a gun.

And my Francis fact is that being a soda jerk, Francis has an encyclopedic knowledge of soda jerk lingo.

So I'm going to say some stuff, and you're going to guess what it means.

Okay, yeah, so fun.

Fun, fun, fun.

So remembering that a soda jerk is like not just soda, but also kind of a diner.

So there's food potential in here as well.

Sound like how a barber was like used to like heal wounds.

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of, yeah.

And Los Angeles were part of like a pharmacy too.

You can get a lot of stuff.

You go to the snow tree and see what you're doing back in the 50s, dude.

Actually meant something else.

That's slang for something else, bud.

What do you think cat beer means?

Milk beer.

Milk, correct.

Milk.

Ooh, fast.

Dish.

What do you think dish means?

Milk.

Serve?

Serve, yeah.

Ice cream.

Milk.

I was right.

This was cold.

Ice cream is just cold milk.

And here's my favorite one.

Knock off the horns and drive them in.

It's like a banana split where you cut off the tips of it and you slam them in.

Circumcised banana split.

Yeah.

Knock off the horns and drive them in.

Oh, oh, take off the straws, like send them two with the straws and putting the straws in the thing.

Let me guess.

I think Freddy was actually dead on with it involves like a sundae of some type.

Nope.

No.

Then I got nothing.

Knock off the horns.

I will.

Will.

Come on.

Wait.

I have no idea.

Get the pickles off the sandwich.

I like that, but no.

No.

Oh, take the two toothpicks out of the burger and bury them in the sky.

Take them out because they're naturally a part of the burger.

You just wouldn't put them in.

Hey, listen, they did all kinds of crazy shit in the 50s, dude.

Knock off the horns and drive them in is a rare steak.

Oh,

that's good, right?

That was good.

That's a fun one.

I like that.

I'm getting a steak at a soda fountain.

I'll tell you what.

I was about to say, dude, soda trucks had to deal with steaks.

Yeah, that's a lot.

Yeah, could you imagine cranking out some Dr.

Peppers and flipping the ribeye?

What soda do you want?

I want a medium steak.

Oh, okay.

Let me just go do that.

Let me change everything and wash my hands.

Okay, let me just walk into our freezer and touch raw meat.

Hey, before you get that guy's steak, can you get my soda?

He's like, nah, nah, I took the orders.

I take the orders.

He's like,

I'm waiting for this mad steak to be done.

Put hair on your chest.

Then I'll get your soda.

Nothing like the smell of a fucking roasted, fucking broiling steak as you eat soda and ice cream.

You get a steak with a dish of moo on the side.

That's a steak with ice cream out all the boat.

There you go.

My name is Beth May.

My name.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, Beth.

And I play Trudy Trout, robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact.

Ooh, do I remember it?

Oh, yeah.

It's so dumb.

Trudy's favorite musician.

Does Beth need to be plugged back in?

Like, it feels like the

power is going out.

Beta oven.

They try to say beta.

Beta oven oval.

Beta oven.

Beta oven.

Wow.

Not as good as alpha oven.

What?

What?

Alpha, beta.

Beta's better than alpha.

Beta is after the alpha.

But in the alphabet, it is.

But there's no composer.

Yeah, beta sounds like Beethoven, though.

I'm doing

mess.

He can't just be like,

this computer oven.

It's like, what?

She at least tried to make it a pun.

Actually, no.

No, her favorite composer is computer oven.

Computer oven?

Yeah, computerized oven?

Wow.

All right, I'm Will Campos.

I'm your

gunjin gingin jinjin manjin.

Your gaijin.

Your baka gaijin.

I'm your baka gaijin master.

I'm your gunjin master, your game master, your day, the guy who runs the game that everyone respects and listens to.

And my spooky ookie fact is a Bigfoot fact.

Did you guys know Bigfoots are real?

No.

They're real, baby.

I got two.

They're fantastic.

I got two big feet.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

That's big hairy feet are real.

All right, guys, let's play this game.

That's just a fact.

Just

the fact is just that they're real.

Okay.

I feel like we're going to meet Bigfoot this episode, guys.

I mean, you met Bigfoots.

That was

one of the plans, remember?

Bigfoots are different than the Bigfoot, though.

The Bigfoot, the original guy.

Good tape, Matt.

You know what?

When last we left you, you had entered this timey-wimy world of big feet and swamp guys,

and you had left behind francis's electro gizmo with the queen of the big feet scarlet fury fiasco

and retreated to a spooky mountain with jenkins a genocidal lab tech from project heartland

a real fucking piece of shit and then you went inside and attempted to write the alphabet to explain to people and you put it on a piece of paper and you also drew a weird doodle and then you skip forward a thousand years did we accidentally create a Ouija board no unfortunately.

You can try to do that this time if you want.

And then you emerged from your time bunker to behold an electro-steampunk world in front of you with a bunch of steampunk Bigfoots because they used the technology from Francis' gun to superpower their civilization.

Wait, if I had handed them my rifle, would it just be like a gun civilization?

Like everything's made out of guns.

We'll never know.

We'll never know what Will would have thought up in that situation had that happened.

What kind of thing that's smart DMing right there?

Yeah.

Don't think unless you have to.

You were spotted by some clockwork-festooned Bigfoots with big old Electro-Zapper guns, and they pointed at you.

And sorry, I once again have to do a retcon because I did say that they said Outlanders last time.

But

you have to do the same retcon two episodes in a row.

You have to do the same retcon two episodes in a row.

They do not know English.

They don't know English?

Your attempt to teach an entire civilization how to read English by leaving the alphabet on a piece of paper outside didn't work.

I'm sorry, we were able to manage with the Rosetta Stone.

Yeah, point of order.

I feel like if they got the entire alphabet and all the cool stuff that Kelsey wrote on there, that they would be more likely to figure out English than figuring out technology from.

Well, what did you write on there?

I wrote the entire alphabet, and then I wrote like the quick brown fox sentence, and then I wrote some general ideas of like verbs and stuff.

People figure out languages.

We'll do that pretty quickly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can't roll.

No, because every time that we have figured out, like, you know, either hieroglyphics or Rosetta, we had context for what that thing was referring to.

Just 26 symbols, a bunch of words where all 26 symbols get reused, and a few of them get reused.

I appreciate you.

No, you would appreciate you back.

More likely than five years ago.

There's one magic gun that just dropped down.

And you have people that had stones.

If they got a fucking computer, you think that in a thousand years they got a computer?

They'd be like, that's a weird thing.

Look at that.

I take issue with that fact too, but since Will's my good friend, I'm not bringing it up to him.

I was just about to give you advantage on a roll for standing up to me, but then you made fun of my world building.

Matt, give me a roll.

Give me a luck roll.

Four day luck, and I roll roll a 60.

You roll a 60.

Do you want to use the power of Zuzo to

teach some English?

No, to make this luck roll go better.

All right.

Well, in that case, yeah.

Their language has changed over the last thousand years.

So instead of going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, they go zip, zip, zip, zip.

There's like five of these.

It's like a mounted patrol.

Do they use English letters now?

Do they use English?

They just use all the letters, but they use them.

No, they use Bigfoot letters.

I'm sorry.

We come in peace.

Skibbity.

No, let's just run back to our bunker.

I want Kelsey's gonna turn around

until we speak English.

I'm just running back.

I'm running back to the bunker.

They're chasing us.

The bunker's safe, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So, you guys are going to run back to the bunker.

Yes, you're being pursued by electro-clockwork Bigfoots.

They still use spider horses to get around, so they're on spider horses.

Can I just say, Will, when you say electro-spider in my head, it's just like you ever heard like the electro-swings?

Like,

it's like with synthesizers and shit.

God, I hate that.

That is actually the type of music that plays out.

Oh, no.

Electro swing.

Electro swing.

So you guys are going to run away back up the mountain.

You have enough of a head start that you don't need to roll for that.

So you spread back up to your little time chamber.

Blake, you seem to have some good ideas as to why my way of teaching English didn't work.

First things first, you need to draw like a guy.

or a Bigfoot, and then you put underneath the words.

So then

we can read a picture book.

You have to combine

concepts with images.

You could use my pictogram that I did that we all agreed was pretty good.

Yeah, we'll put words on.

That's right.

That's right.

We did have Francis' pictogram, which was a picture of the five of you that said that you were like from the sky and that you wanted them to dig into the earth.

Essentially, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Not using words, but yeah, essentially.

Yeah.

Well, now here's a question.

Do we have any observation sort of cameras and stuff?

So you can see there are cameras pointed over.

I'm so glad you asked, Freddie.

We should have done this before we went outside.

We were looking outside.

Kelsey, what's your problem with me, man?

No, nothing.

I'm saying we were looking outside before.

Kelsey, i feel like we are always fighting well i just when i look at you i think about the shame of me lying about the toilet being broken and no what that's on me that's not about you that's my problem so your toilet was broken but yeah remember i flushed papers down there and then you broke it afterwards but it wasn't your fault the toilet was broken it was my fault pipes were very delicate i guess really quick before we go down this rabbit hole of teaching them english what yeah what progress has been made

our primary thing is still to get the key right yeah

so we think the key is somewhere in this society.

So somewhere in this timey wimey terrarium of a world, there's a green key, one of three that you need to activate the device that will destroy the mother of Zuzel.

You are back in your little hidey hole.

On the monitors, you see, one, you see this city.

This is where the village was originally, where you met Queen Scarlet Fury Fiasco last time of the people of the plains, the legally distinct name we were calling them.

There now, you see basically like a sprawling Victorian city.

There's a thick sheaf of black smog that you can kind of barely peer under.

But this seems to be like where the well-heeled Bigfoots hang out attending to them on hand and foot are this underclass of swamp thing guys.

They look like the creature from the Black Lagoon, and they seem to be an underclass that serves them as a proletarian workforce.

Over by where Blake's poop swamp used to be, you see a big mining camp, sort of like a forced labor camp.

And again, you see swamp people toiling and digging deeper and deeper down into the earth to mine something you're not quite sure what.

So there is mining going on.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Nice.

And then where the temple used to be at the center of the world, you now see what seems to be like something like the Louvre, like a museum.

Like a sort of blitzy, classy museum.

He's either going to be in the museum or a church.

It depends if they think of it as an artifact or like a sacred item.

I think we were going to have to probably do a heist.

What if they threw it away?

Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, maybe they don't know its significance.

That's true.

There's a lot of stuff from like ancient civilizations in our world that we don't have a lot of their stuff.

And I was just thinking there were, you know, sometimes I get mail and I don't know, remember where I put it.

And it could have been important stuff.

And so I just wonder if maybe they treated that key like I treat some of my mail and they might have misplaced it.

So we have no leads.

Yeah, so what do we do in that case?

This is just an idea.

Because it seems dangerous out there.

It seems like every time we walk out there, these group of people.

We should go towards a thousand years.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe we try to just message that we want the key.

Ah, and then just keep like, just see.

ah i have ideas

i have an idea

instead of us going out into the dangerous world to look for the key

we make some drawings and distribute the drawings from wherever we make them bring the key to us like perhaps there's a ritual where we build a stone at the beginning oh and then we say you have to put the key here and something good will happen oh that's a yeah we can make like a little stone tablet thing like a plinth yes and draw a cool picture of the key yeah and make make like a hole that's clearly fit for the hole yeah and we'll make it like some adventure will walk up there see like oh my gosh this must be where the key is and we'll watch from the camera the moment they bring the key there we'll hop out we'll hop out and take it we don't know what the key looks like though i have seen the key it's a green key

it's a green key etch it from memory then so how big is the key about the size of a key okay yeah we don't want to make the hole too big because

It's better for it to be bigger than too small.

I don't think so.

If it's too small, the key can't get in.

Yes, then they'll be confused.

It's a bad power.

If it's too small, then it'll erode away and probably be an okay size.

If it's too big, it'll erode away and be like nothing.

I'm just saying, if it's too big, we might find other things in there.

Yes, that will be a problem, but we'll have to find out how to do it.

We'll have to find the key.

Are you concerned about like dust and spiders?

No.

Like what?

We might find a person there.

A person?

Oh, yeah.

We don't want to have people sacrificing themselves, does that?

What sucks?

No, not like that.

Trudy, I'm really sorry.

I'm not on the same page as you.

I really want to hear your concern.

If this keyhole is too big, and we're not going to make it too big, like it'll be about the size of a key.

I have a key.

I pull out my key.

It's like, we'll make it about this size.

What are you concerned will be in this hole?

Just

something awful.

I hear your concern.

Here's how we can solve that.

How about we put a little dome or something over it?

I can draw a dick and put an X over it.

Oh, yes, that's perfect, Francis.

Oh, you're concerned.

Men.

Yes.

may find this rock.

Yes.

And if they're out there in the woods, they're probably lonely men.

Yes.

May satisfy their urges on this rock.

Yes.

Okay.

And they would satisfy themselves over the course of thousands of years and a thick build up will make like a bat guano in caves.

I hold up the key.

I'm like, well, okay.

Well,

you're right.

We won't make it that large in general.

I can't promise that nothing will bug it, though, over a course of a thousand years.

Yes, a bear or something something could come by.

So you hear behind you, Jenkins dutifully scratching out your plan on like with chalk on a chalkboard.

He's like, okay, so it seems like we're coming to a great consensus here.

Seems like step one of the plan is one, get key.

We're going to need the key, right?

You guys need your key.

I don't know what you need it for.

I don't know what this key is about, but we're all in the same team.

We're all working together.

We all want to get out of here.

That would be the first goal.

That's all the first goal.

That's what we're doing is get this key that you need for some reason.

Yeah.

And it sounds like you want to do that by building a hole in the ground and then telling people to put the key in there.

Look, there's a world, Jenkins.

Yes.

That's attitude number one.

Number two, there's a world where we will have to go out and get the key.

It just seems like we have some chances to try a simpler way before we put ourselves in danger.

Okay.

So step one is ask them to put the key in a hole.

Yes,

yeah.

We put it like that.

We're going to like add some flair to it.

Okay, well, I'm just trying to summarize your point.

I'm just trying to, you know, I'm just trying to help you guys.

Because I like you guys.

You're like me.

There's a whole arts component to this that you're you're missing.

Then, once we do that, we still have to get out of here, right?

So, that's then we have to figure that out.

So, I'm going to put that as goal number two: leave.

Well, at some point, they'll probably create like nukes and like annihilate each other, and then we just walk out into the wasteland.

Yeah, are we fast-forward enough that maybe they eventually just like make like individual flying machines or something cool like that?

We could just zip up to the top.

Maybe they come up with like a utopia and then we just like chill here for

something that connects everybody, but it turns bad.

Okay, I'm going to write that down then.

So, step two is, you know, run out the clock.

Maybe they invent something that we can fly in or some sort of web that interconnects everyone, a sort of net, sort of internet.

Maybe that's what you'd call it.

I don't know.

Quick question.

When they reset this place, it's in the water down.

Have you seen this happen?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it floods the whole area.

What happens to this room?

Well, this room's hermetically sealed.

We'll be fine.

We can watch everybody drown and die.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Hooray!

Who decides you're in here?

Is anybody even going to flood this place right now?

Everybody's kind of dead outside.

Well, now you got to be careful because there is a proximity detector.

If you start to breach the sky or the earth, it triggers a flood.

I see.

So, you know, like, you got to be a little careful.

How was that not the first?

All the discussions we were having were completely pointless without that knowledge.

Do you want to listen to me now?

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

We asked you information.

That's sparing the lead, sir.

That was vital.

Well, I explained this to you already last episode.

I definitely don't remember.

All right.

Well, regardless, yes, we have an automatic sensor that if the civilization gets advanced enough and tries to breach containment, there's an automatic system that shuts that down.

Oh, so how would we get up there?

You'll have time to escape before the flood happens.

It sounds like we want to go up rather than down because water goes down and we could drown.

But if you go down, you have more time for the water to do you know what I mean?

Like you're going to be like the gravity?

Yeah, we'll say,

you know, like, I don't know.

No, it just all seems so hopeless.

What if we tell them they can split the atom and we use that to break the walls?

Let's go sideways.

Yeah, are we small?

What?

I'm sorry.

What?

What?

One more time.

I guess we can miniaturize it.

Hey, don't look at me like a crap.

I say, if we broke the walls of this little civilization.

Oh, will we be time

on the outside?

Sorry, Kelsey.

I need to just one thing.

Hold one second.

Heart stop timeout.

Just quick question.

This capsule we're in.

Quick question.

Is not the size

of a small capsule, right?

That we're in.

Kelsey, you do recall we were standing at the door and I was running towards the door and I saw you at the door.

And we were all

but time's changing.

How big is this room?

But you look at my Shakespeare shorter than us?

Okay.

Wait, wait.

No, this room is.

No, this is a good question.

This is a good question.

You were in like a small, like, Hoolville.

Yeah.

Kelsey, you really have a scientist's mind.

And I think you would be a great addition.

Nazi likes you.

You'd be a great addition to the team here.

I'll be honest.

Nazi wants you on their team.

Well, let me just show you real quick.

And he sketches out a mind-boggling equation.

He says, you see, time and space are.

I'll kind of roll to understand it.

Go ahead.

I'll give you natural world.

I have a 10.

I have a 9.

So I do get it.

Oh, wow.

Okay, great.

So as he's sketching this out, actually, you know, who would have actually done pretty well on this is old Tony Collet because Tony had a point in theoretical physics.

At one point in theoretical physics.

So, Kelsey, I don't know how much you know about the theory of relativity, but space and time are all part of a continuum.

Time is space and space is time.

It's all folded together.

So, when you're in a machine that distorts time, you're also distorting space.

So, that's why this place, you know, it's kind of like it's bigger on the inside is what I would say.

So, it's weird.

I grant you that's weird, but when you go outside, you're going to be the same size as you were before.

Okay, that's all you have to say.

I just want to know if we're small.

If we're not small,

you're not small.

I just want to know, if we blew up this capsule, would we be still small?

But I guess we're not small at all.

So, that's fine.

A great teacher once told me there are no dumb questions.

Well, that's not a good teacher because there's definitely dumb questions.

Questions

is fine.

These are dumb questions.

Well, my question to you then, maybe as dumb or not, is what do you guys want to do?

Oh, well, yeah, should we make this play?

Let's make the juice hole.

Trudy, why don't you be part of the whole committee?

That way your concern about how big the hole is will be answered, and you will be responsible for how big the hole is.

President of the whole committee.

We can hang on the drawing of the dick with the X through it.

Yeah.

Yes, we will work on how to communicate English and ideas.

Yes, I think that we should write what would be a picture book in stone so that anybody can see the pictures that correlate to the words.

We'll make English.

We'll make stone tablets and then light a bush on fire to let them know something is here.

That's good.

Nothing bad will happen if you're looking at that.

This seems like a good idea.

I think we signal them.

We want to evoke the idea that if they put the key in this hole, like something good will happen.

So once somebody finds it, they'll be like, oh, we should go get that key.

And that's easy.

You can just draw a picture of a person.

And Jenkins, with maybe a little technology, the good thing that can happen is maybe a small victory tune.

And that's it.

Yes.

Key goes in and it goes, but the.

And the instructions must rhyme.

Well, how is it going to rhyme when they don't know the language?

They'll learn the language by the rhyming.

Oh, well, that means we definitely have to rhyme when we come out.

Otherwise, they won't understand us.

Okay, so let me see if I had goal one, get the key.

Step one, teach English to Bigfoot.

Yes, yes, and we're saying that, yeah, Kelsey, you're a teacher.

Do you want to be in charge of that?

Why don't you and I work on that, Kelsey?

Jenkins, Jenkins, take a step back.

Why don't you just shut your mouth?

You're acting like you're kind of in charge here, Dad.

I'm not liking this.

You're doing a directionless.

We're okay.

We're okay.

I promise.

Don't you worry your pretty little head.

We'll figure this out just fine.

Okay.

Everybody, look at me.

Don't look at Jenkins.

Look at me.

Francis is like, do we need Jenkins anymore?

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a key.

It was delightful and brought much glee.

I'm writing this.

Are you writing it?

Because I'm not writing it, so you guys better remember this.

Jenkins is fine.

I'm writing.

I'm writing it.

I'm writing this.

Once upon a time, there was a key.

Once upon a time, there was a key.

Keep going, Trudy.

You're on a roll.

It was

very good and brought much glee.

Because delightful is kind of a hard word.

The key

got lost

somewhere

nearby.

Okay.

Oh, we don't know that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The key got lost.

And must be found.

And must be found.

Because then your loving gods will come around.

Yes.

Perfect.

I let you put them in the hole in the ground.

Shut the fuck up, Jenkins.

Okay, Jenkins is.

First of all, Jenkins' rhyme scheme is all fucked up now.

I just ground.

You want it in the ground?

It rhymes.

It's just you like backward scan.

We'll ask you when we want your fucking input, Nazi.

So, I don't know whose idea it was, but there was a good point that was brought up, which is we should probably clarify it should go in the hole.

Yes.

Yes, ground is too bad.

Jenkins, you're on thin ice.

It's not just me now.

It seems like you've upset everybody.

And four against one is not pretty.

Okay, so we got once upon a time.

There was a key.

It was very good.

It brought much glee.

I feel like keeping it to four lines is good.

I think it needs to get you.

I think six lives.

35,000 years told me.

Look at this.

Are you worried about brevity?

You know what?

Fuck me, right.

You're right.

Fuck.

Six lives.

I'm not in charge.

I'm just the transcribing.

Trudy, you're the one who was telling you, how many lives would he like?

You got a handling and you're like, I would just kill him.

Francis, I already said, sorry.

You're right.

I was wrong.

I was wrong.

I was getting a little rushed.

We got all all the time in the world.

No, you know what?

You have a point.

We walked out of waiting for Godot last week.

We did.

We knew that motherfucker was going to show up.

So once upon a time, there was a key.

It was very good.

It brought much glee.

We need to figure out how to rhyme the word whole.

It once was lost.

It must be found.

It once was lost.

They have it, though, right?

It has been lost.

It must be found.

You see whole.

Throw it down.

Give a second.

It had been lost.

Yeah, it has been lost.

It must be found so that your loving gods will come back around.

Okay, but we need them to put in the hole, not just.

Yeah, we'll do a couple more lines on it.

Okay, so let me go.

This is going to be Aiku.

We'll come around.

Okay, I'm sorry.

People critique your poetry.

People don't critique my poetry because it's

so fucking good.

Okay.

Trudy and Francis seems like

Trudy and Francis.

It seems like you two are on this.

So what's the next line?

Well, I think it should be maybe like.

If you love your gods with all your soul,

put that green key in the hole.

That green key in the hole.

Do we want to do a post script about like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and don't put your dick

that

is on your body.

Um, okay.

Do we need that last?

And anything or anyone who's not a hottie.

Well, no, but this is no.

You just want hot voyages?

Don't put your key.

You want a calcified musty key within a fountain of hot voyages?

Trudy, Trudy, I'm just going to read this back to you.

Let me know if this is what you wanted.

You wanted, don't put your dick that is on your body, and anything is not, unless you're a hottie.

No, that's not like a Matt Arnold.

That's what I heard.

Can you clarify?

Okay.

The hole is for keys.

Oh, that's good.

The hole is for keys.

One key, just one key, not to jump in, but it's only for one key.

I don't want people putting other keys.

The hole is for a key, not a penis.

Men are for Mars, women are from penis.

Men are from Mars.

Women, you know, it does feel like that, doesn't it?

It does.

I feel like you have a real Venus energy about you, Kelsey.

Wait, oh, I've got it.

So don't be afraid.

Shut the fuck up, Shakens.

Seriously, we mean it.

Let's hear him out.

Okay.

So don't fuck this hole.

Seriously, we mean it.

I shoot chickens in the head.

Did you?

Yeah.

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I don't know, Jenkins.

We shouldn't be introducing near rhymes or slant rhymes into this poem.

I got a five.

Oh my God.

Which is indeed a super duper success.

A super duper success.

All right.

Jenkins is going to roll the dodge.

So Jenkins failed.

So you shoot Jenkins.

Roll for damage.

Okay.

Give me a 2d6 plus 4.

Oh boy.

That's 4 plus 5.

So it's 13.

Let me look up poor Jenkins

here.

Yeah, poor Nazi.

He had 14 health.

So he is.

What did I say about interrupting?

Jenkins got shot and now he's dead.

Don't fuck this hole.

Jenkins crumples over on the ground, clutching his side.

It is bleeding out.

Finally, I can think.

It has gone unconscious.

You notice how much quieter it it is.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to roll first aid.

Really?

Blood is getting everywhere.

All right, fair enough.

We can also just throw him outside.

Oh, gosh.

What happened to you?

He's a Nazi.

I know.

Yes, I agree.

I agree with Francis.

This is what we did when we were in Europe.

I'm not technically a Nazi.

Shut the fuck up.

You bloody point left.

I can finish it off real quick.

There's...

There's one problem with your plan.

Blake.

Oh.

Blake, you're a grown man.

Can you just bring Jenkins outside so we can all look away?

Can you just take care of it?

Mr.

Jenkins, please come with me.

There's one.

Let's carry him.

I'll get his feet.

There's one problem.

You can tell me while I carry.

Yeah, go ahead.

I close my ears, I turn away.

No,

I'm putting my foot down because I know that this is a bad man, but we don't.

I'm anxious here.

We don't know how to get out of here and we don't know anything about this world.

And my son's about to be turned into a robot.

Let's listen to that.

Jacobs, what?

Oh, now he can't talk.

He points, give me a no roll to see if anyone can understand what he's pointing at.

All right.

I don't know if we can trust him with his last words.

I got a 31 and my education is 65.

I got a 57 and my no is 70.

He's pointing at the monitors and then he dies.

Okay.

Okay.

Blake, can you take him out of here?

Okay, Mr.

Jenkins, come along.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Well, I got his feet.

Okay.

Okay.

You guys do that.

I'm going to look at at the monitors.

Okay.

So you open the door.

Let's look at the monitors first to see if there's anything outside.

That's what he said.

So we look at the trees look at the monitors.

Yeah, you can look at the monitors and you see in the mountains around you.

The clockwork Bigfoots have followed you into the mountains, but have not been able to find your hiding spot.

Oh, let's just stay out of here then.

Just heard a gunshot boom and seem to be trying to find the source of the sound.

So they're drawing closer.

Okay.

Well, I guess we'll figure out how to do it.

He was saying your son.

Well, let's put the body by the door.

Put the body by the door.

Put the body by the door.

Oh, wow.

Put the body by the door.

Okay, so Jenkins, we don't have to think about Jenkins anymore.

Jenkins is gone.

Should we just continue with our plan?

Should we just move on?

Yes.

Okay.

It's so much quieter.

So we got to make a little stone thing.

We got to get these words on it.

Yes.

I like it.

And we also need to connect images and ideas with English words.

So, and we can focus on the words that are in the poem.

So, for example, key, we can draw a picture of the key, write key.

For glee, we can put a smiley face and then write glee underneath it.

Stuff like that.

Lost, you know, we can draw a little picture of, I don't know, how do you do lost?

I'm not great at that.

Big smoke monster.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

My favorite TV show.

Show the loss.

I'll do that.

Comes on after murder, murder, murder.

We have three things we need to do.

One, construction of key depositing device.

Yes.

Two,

instruction of...

English as concept and

language.

And then carve this poem onto the key depositing device.

Here's a thought.

They put the key in.

Will we just jump out the moment we see it?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, how do we know their

be safe?

Yeah, we'll just watch.

We'll just watch.

But what if nothing happens?

What do you mean?

Well, then we'll wait a little longer.

But what if they fish the key out because nothing happened?

Then we'll come out and we'll come out

in that context.

The moment they put the key in, if we come out, whoa, those look at the gods.

In fact, we should probably all like dress like kind of like

cool.

Yes.

Need a what costume?

Oh, oh, it seems like jenkins would probably be able to help you with that oh well uh jenkins would not have helped at all with that

he just would have had some stupid ass idea kelse graham has put on more than one school play in her life i think she is going to be just fine making some nice costumes what we got looks like we got some bed sheets what plays have you done what place have i done i walked out of her waiting for godeau

i only do waiting for godot

i've been trying to get to work the kids are still at her standing it's my white it's so boring it's my white whale which you know i've tried to do boby dick as opposed to also boring It's also boring.

Why Trudy?

What are your favorite poems?

A musical?

What's your favorite musical?

Careful, Beth.

Learned the 90s.

Trudy, have you ever thought about volunteering?

I know your kids are homeschooled, and I support your decision now, but have you ever thought about maybe helping out with the school play?

It seems like you really like musicals.

That'd be fantastic.

Wow.

While they're having this conversation, I'm going to go out, get three rocks, and bring it back in.

Give me a stealth roll.

Oh, you silly boy.

29 out of 90.

Okay, great.

90 is yourself now.

So you go out to get rocks.

How big are these rocks?

they're uh exactly the size you would need to write a medium-sized poem exactly the size you would need to write a medium-sized pictogram and exactly the size of a key give me a strength roll my strength is a 45 and i got a 41.

oh okay so you are barely able to haul these three big rocks back to you well what do you do you want to do one big rock and break them up or what are you trying you're just trying to like three big rocks i don't know whatever i rolled for you barely managed to haul three big rocks with you back to the i mean this would have been so much easier with jenkins i don't say

something over the rainbow is a beautiful song right but then i was wondering what if the story was actually about that witch that evil witch of the west trudy i've never heard i've never heard this play till right now but i am obsessed with this i need space for this rock hold some space this one will you

do you think wow it's so heavy it looks like you're defying gravity with that do you think while we work on this plinth and this book and everything that we can just have like a fun can you just like sing all your favorite songs can we just have like a fun montage where trudy's teaching us all of our favorite show tunes as we're writing and making this plinth?

Seems like okay, yes.

All right.

So Francis has brought in the rocks that you are going to carve on.

We'll say Kelsey is going to carve the alphabet thing.

I'm the handyman.

I have all the tools for carving.

Okay, Kelsey is going to come up with the system for teaching English, right?

Yeah.

So give me.

What is the closest role to teaching?

Education?

No.

No.

I'm just a girl who can't say no.

What one's that from, Trudy?

It's from Oklahoma.

Oh, that's my favorite state.

Which is 50s, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, Oklahoma was around in the 50s.

Give me an education role then.

Ask a teacher to get an education role.

And she gets a nine out of 70.

Whoa.

That's very good.

So zero.

That's a super duper success.

You don't have to go into the details, but describe to me, like, if there are any fun Kelseyisms she puts on these Rosetta stones.

As every artist knows, it's impossible not to put a bit of yourself in your work.

So the entire work is just full of calciisms.

It is essentially an A to B book.

I mean, A to B.

You'll never get past B.

Baba, Baba.

They only know Babas.

It's an A to Z book, and every page has like multiple drawings.

I think those drawings are based off of your helping, right?

So whatever Blake says he's good at drawing at, it's like, okay, you do, what's easier for you to draw, like an apple or an Aardvark?

Apple.

Okay, they do an apple.

And then we write out.

It's round with a stick at the top.

That's good.

Can you also do Aardvark?

We got some extra space on this.

Ah, yes.

Aardvark.

A dog with a stick.

Great.

Kelsey.

Kelsey, you realize this is kind of ironic, right?

Like, you're finally making an encyclopedia.

It's all your own.

It's for babies, but you're right.

It is.

You know what?

Let's do I ironic.

Can you draw that?

Ironic.

Let's see here.

Draw Chandler baby.

You're right.

Ironic.

Ah, very easy.

I draw a clothing iron.

No, you're right, Francis.

I guess in some ways, this is like the first encyclopedia.

Holy shit.

For this civilization.

No, that seems arrogant because they have a very great civilization out there.

They just don't know the way that we say it.

If anything.

What's more important is that our civilization is the best one, and we're spreading it to them.

You know what?

I'm just saying English just sounds right to me.

That's all Kelsey says.

That's all Kelsey says.

Okay, so you have now carved your Rosetta Stone.

Congratulations.

Yes.

Who's going to write the poem?

Trudy.

I did.

Okay, so give me.

I'll carve the pictures.

No, I'm carving.

Oh, you're carving pictures.

You're carving the pictures.

You already came up with the poem.

I guess there's no role for this.

Francis, you got some rocks.

I think you can make the rock that the keyhole goes in.

Make it look cool and like really like.

You need to do a stussy S on it.

I wonder what that's about for generations.

You know that S you've been looking for?

So one of these rocks.

It's your cousin, Marvin Stussy.

One of these rocks is just going to have a hole in it, and this is the rock that the hole in the house is.

Hole would just have a hole in it.

Francis is going to have it.

It's going to have a stussy ass.

Is that it, though?

Are you going to

make it look a little like big old mysterious?

Oh, no.

I'm also going to carve an image of a penis with an X through it.

I'm also going to give you my recollection of what the key looked like and a little arrow saying like key into here.

Yeah.

And much like a sketch artist, I will take those details and make something similar.

Okay.

And everyone knows a great artist.

You leave a little bit of yourself behind.

Yeah.

What would this be?

You're just carving something into or you're just putting a whole bunch of it.

We have infinite time.

All right, you make it.

Yeah.

You know what?

The first three weren't great, Francis, but this fourth way you did a great job.

That just makes perfect.

Trudy, what are you doing while all this is going on?

Thinking about musicals.

Can I roll a spot hit in to see if Francis ever took the rocket into his bunk?

Yes, you may, man.

You don't need to roll for this.

Whether or not I know if it happened.

It was just like late at night, you just hear.

If you see me limping the next day, you'll know why.

Oh, no.

Frances, why are you making that keyhole bigger?

It's big enough for a key.

Thank you.

All right, here's what we're going to do.

Here's what we're going to do.

Yes, I did pass my spine in a check.

I don't know if we need to.

Okay, then you know.

Francis is taking that rock for like a little extracurriculars every day.

Francis is really working like 24 on that rock.

I've got a pretty good work ethic.

So

treating you well on your rolls, so I will not give you disadvantage on the roll I'm going to now do to see how many days this took.

I rolled very well.

I rolled a 13.

So this took you two weeks, basically, to do all of this.

Ooh, my bones feel two weeks older.

A little harder to get up.

The whole place reeks of the rotting corpse of Jenkins.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

At no point in the two weeks, did we throw any for it?

Let's cut to when the coast was clear because, right, they were hunting for us, but they're not going to be hunting for us forever.

Okay, all right.

Kelsey realizes she has nothing left to do.

She one day was like, guys, I think I'm just gonna go take a is there a bathroom in this place?

Yes, there's a bathroom.

Kelsey, to spare everybody else, especially Francis, went in and fucking dismembered the body and cut it to tiny pieces and slowly flushed it.

Slowly, no, it's dangerous outside, Francis.

Francis, I don't ask what you do in the bunk with the rock.

You don't ask what I'm doing in.

You don't ask what I'm doing in.

You don't ask what I'm doing.

You don't ask what I'm doing in here with Jane.

You don't ask what I'm doing here with Jacob's body, okay?

I'm doing this for all of you, and I close the door.

Andy, did you say you just stubbed your dick?

Yeah.

That's what I'm humping.

Okay, so there's no disgusting friends of Jenkins' body.

We got rid of it.

Yeah, there's just some things that good families don't talk about.

It's very slippery in this bathroom now.

Oh, hey, Blake.

I opened up the door.

Sorry, a little embarrassing.

I think I caught the toilet in here.

Ah, no problem.

She also had a period really bad.

Oh, no.

All right.

Blake, give me another mechanical repair roll to fix the toilet because Kelsey absolutely did clog the toilet doing this.

Well, no problem.

I understand the toilet implicitly.

It is my entire sense of being.

I have a

35 mechanical repairs.

Your entire sense of being is a 30.

A 35?

You didn't put more?

Mechanical Freddy.

What the fuck?

What did you roll, Freddy?

I can see it on your screen.

I rolled 42, so I could burn seven luck and we're okay.

Or we ain't pooping for a while.

Oh, guys, we can't use that bathroom anymore.

I mean, we can't.

We just can't use the toilet.

Well, why don't you use the bottle?

I can use the hole.

We're not using the hole.

I'm putting my foot down.

We are not using the hole.

I can't afford a yeast infection right now.

Oh,

no.

Okay, so the bathroom's not broken.

The bathroom's broken.

It's clogged up with Jenkins pieces.

Yes, you've clogged the toilet with Jenkins.

You've been in here for two weeks.

I'll be nice and say that today was the day that you finally broke the toilet because probably you were trying to flush his skull down or something like that.

Yeah.

I fixed the toilet.

You have the stones.

What do you want to do?

Well, should we put it out there?

Should we throw them out?

I guess.

Yes.

And maybe I'll distract them while you put it out.

If they're still out there.

There's a situation outside.

You look outside.

You can't see anybody out there.

And there's a camera pointing down sort of over the immediate vicinity of the entrance of this cave.

Careful, but beyond the entrance of this bunker,

sounds like a trap, but there's not much out there beyond that that you can see.

So you're going to have to go outside if you want to look.

Fortunately, one of you is really good at stealth.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to look.

Reconnaissance mission.

Make sure the coast is clear and maybe adjust the cameras around so we can see more.

Sure.

I got a 59 out of 90.

Okay, so you sneak out.

What do you do?

You just try to skulk up to like a good vantage point or something like that?

I feel like I just did a scooby-doo, put my head out, look left, look right, because we're just going to put the stones right outside the door.

I don't need to go any further.

They're not going to go that far out, yeah.

Okay, because they'll find them in hundreds of thousands of years.

We have time, okay.

Um, so yeah, you don't see anybody.

Give me a spot-hidden roll.

It's a 38, and my spot-hidden is

25, so I don't see anything.

You remember, hey, guys, you remember what Will described the museum?

What

you're just trolling how much work I did that you guys aren't engaging with.

That's what he's doing.

He described the whole scene, dude.

Like, he was going to be like, oh, probably he's got like cool fucking sculptures.

Jesus out there.

We got, he gave us.

Yeah, you attacked yourself.

We walked out.

What did you expect?

Infinite safety in this spot.

So, okay, so you roll the rocks out.

Dude, there were zeppelins, dude.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

You roll the rocks out.

You see a cool zeppelin in the distance.

And then you hear a huge boom.

And you see a cannon at the middle of the city, a massive cannon fire, and a projectile launch straight up to the vault of heaven and explode off of the roof of the world.

Oh, way, way, way, way, way in the distance.

But that's just some cool thing you're never going to see.

Wow.

Cool.

So you...

Is that like when Katnus like threw the arrow up there?

Yeah, bro.

Bro's watching Hunger Games.

Bro.

Okay, so you close the door, I assume.

Yep.

Yeah.

All right, there are some rocks out there.

What do you want to do now?

Wait.

Oh, maybe we need to let them know that the rocks are here.

Maybe we need to like, maybe

you know?

Oh, is that something Trudy wants to do?

Sure.

I just, I don't know.

It feels like Trudy's been hanging out to get musicals.

Maybe sing a little musical form or something.

I don't know.

Yes, I will do that, of course.

Oh, Trudy's a hard reason.

Oh, yes.

I pulled my

hair.

So if you care to find me,

look up here on this hill.

As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to kill Jenkins.

And his body's out here now and you can eat it too.

No, it's still in the toilet.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's good, Trudy.

But I like the rhyme.

Step back inside.

I'm going to step back inside.

Pretty good, Trudy.

Give me a persuade roll, I guess is what we'll call that for your singing.

I mean, because we're just hoping they find it in the next like thousands and thousands of years.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't do good.

Okay.

That's okay.

I was thinking maybe we shouldn't end the show with that.

Maybe that should just be the first earth break.

You know what we can do?

The rocks are all the way here, but why don't we just throw like pieces of Jenkins?

Jenkins, yeah.

We can also just like wait.

Eventually, somebody will come back.

Yeah, why don't we just see if a thousand years is enough?

And if people can't find it, we'll add more.

If back on Earth, we had a big, weird bunker that nobody knew anything about and we couldn't get into, or we knew that there was something there and we couldn't find it, there would be at the very least like conspiracy theorists walking around.

Well, you're right, Francis.

If nobody finds a key in a thousand years, then we'll add some more signposts to get them closer to it.

All right, we fast forward a thousand years.

All right, you fast forward, so you turn the knob towards watching the key from the camera.

You're watching watching the key from the camera.

And if the camera wasn't pointing at the keyhole, then we went outside and we bent the camera to look at the key.

So we'll do a luck roll.

What's your luck score?

Who's doing what you're asking?

I guess it has to be the average of every luck is like a 90

with all of us.

I have 55.

We'll do an average.

I like that.

Okay, I'm 48.

79.

I have 40 luck.

40.

And then do we all roll and die?

We get an average of all.

Absolutely not.

I roll the dice.

Okay.

I rolled in 86.

So unfortunately, this first thousand years, no one found it.

They spent all that time taking my rift and making the best musical ever.

And they took credit for it.

Oh, true.

Your musical is huge.

And let's say in a thousand years, the civilization now looks like a 1950s futurist civilization.

Oh, it looks just like us.

Cool.

Yeah, it looks modern, but like a little bit more Jetson-y outside.

Oh, wow.

I love the furniture.

Oh, and then the other thing is, give me a spot hidden, everybody.

I failed.

I definitely failed.

41, I failed.

41 out of 50.

I passed.

You passed?

Yeah, I got 50 spot hidden.

Remember, I put all my stats in spot hidden.

Then you realize that, like I told you guys about this last time, that there is a monitor pointing back into Project Heartland in the control room that you saw.

That's in super, super slow motion.

That was in super, super slow motion.

Except when you dilate time to go forward a thousand years in the blink of an eye, you're now moving at the speed of time in Project Heartland.

So Tucker is no longer in that room.

He's gone.

Oh, no.

So, it's only been a couple of seconds, but you realize that the more you flash forward time, the closer and closer Tucker is going to get to his goal of kidnapping Timmy.

Seems like that.

And the DM's deadly time trap has been destroyed.

Not so infinite.

Okay.

Drudy, he's not going to kill your kid.

He's going to do something worse.

No, he's a big pussy.

No, no, he's not.

He can undo whatever he does.

No, he's going to hurt their kid.

No, you're right.

You're right.

No, that means we can't just spend a thousand years left and right like it means nothing.

Let's go ahead and add some signposts.

Clearly, this civilization has a hard time walking up hills and looking around.

There's no kids that just want to fuck outside.

I'm also doing a song called Running Up That Hill.

Trudy, I love you.

I love you so much.

I think a song.

I think we've tried the song.

I think we need something more physical, like some sort of like

bringing the world together.

It's a good song.

We just didn't make space for it.

Yeah, I know.

It's a good song for a lot of things.

Just don't think the song is totally useless.

It doesn't for our purposes.

It doesn't help point them to this key.

You'll make a better second half.

Francis, you say you have an idea.

We need a trail of breadcrumbs somehow.

Well, at the very least, presuming that they're kind of a futuristic society, they probably have like radar or sonar or satellites or something, which means we could like make a message in the rocks outside like for a plane to fly over and see it.

Oh.

And then in addition, I could just fire my rifle once and they could be like, that's a loud noise.

Where did that come from?

That's mysterious.

And then maybe they'd start searching right now.

No, I don't know about that, Francis.

Trudy, maybe this.

Yeah.

No, no.

Maybe the problem wasn't the singing.

It was just how loud we were singing.

Maybe we just need to.

Maybe we sing as one.

Oh, wow.

Are there any like radios in here?

Jenkins would have had such a good idea for this.

No.

We don't

know.

Such a shame.

There's such a clever thing, Jenkins.

I had a good idea for what to do with Jenkins.

Jenkins left his diary here.

Trudy, that feels wrong.

Also, what's the best thing to to do?

I still have the satisfaction of knowing Jenkins had a good idea.

Go ahead and read the diary, Beth.

But, you know, who knows what's in here?

A mind's man.

I mean,

a man's mind is a mysterious place.

Is it?

No, you're right.

Do you want to read Jenkins' diary?

I'll read Jenkins' diary in private.

In private.

I'll make the idea seem like it was mine.

So none of us know you have his diary.

Give me.

Page three.

Give me a basic screen.

Give me a single D10 roll.

Seven.

Okay, that means you're going to have to listen to me do seven of Jenkins's diary entries before I give you the one with the idea.

Okay.

Dear diary, first day at Project Heartland.

Gee whiz, I'm so excited to learn about how I can help our boys in blue and our society and the good old US of A persevere with the power of Eldritch Science.

I am a complicated guy, you know, and I have a lot of things going on in this old head of mine.

Ever since dad died, I've been feeling like, what's my place in the world?

And I think I've found it.

Dear diary, I've been working at Progie Heartland for over a year now, and it's really swell.

I think I met someone really cute.

They're a real cutie, but I'm nervous about telling them that I like them.

I don't know how that's going to go.

And also, I got assigned to a new division called the Research Division.

That sounds like it's going to be really cool.

Fuck, I don't want to do it.

Did this go in the way you wanted it to, Will?

I got it going for you, Will.

Only Beth is reading it, too.

Yeah, Beth is getting getting really into the story.

Yeah.

Dear Diary, journal entry number three.

I love that I only do one of these a year.

It's a nice way to look back on my year and what a year I've had.

We've learned so many things about technology and we built a cool robot that I think director Trout is going to use as his wife or something.

I don't know.

It's kind of weird.

He's a weird guy.

I don't know if I like him very much, but oh, he's coming to the room.

I better wrap this up.

Dear Diary, episode number four.

Why did I, this is fucking, okay, so I,

what happened to Jenkins this year?

I fell in love again.

I got my heart broken again.

Poor old Jenkins.

Is that just the way?

Isn't that just the way?

But I know someone is out there for me someday.

I'll meet them and then they'll see me that I have a lot to offer.

And I'm not just someone who experiments in horrible ways on a group of people.

I hear their screams at night sometimes.

Sometimes I hear the screams of the thousands of civilizations that we've swept away like dust.

And maybe that's all we have.

It feels guilty, but did nothing about it.

I feel really guilty about the fact that I'm guilty about, but I haven't done anything about it.

You know, so what's important is that he centered himself in that story.

Dear diary, journal entry number, how many are we at, Beth?

We're at five, but it's weird that numbers six and seven are missing.

You see scribbled on the last page, I've got it.

Great.

He just like this is an idea he had while he was sleeping one night.

He's a great idea if need to communicate message.

Crack in wall that whistles, shave, and a haircut.

Could change stone to say something else?

Question mark?

Ooh, that's smart.

Oh, yeah, I was going to say, that's a real big radio.

The next one, X, x the light has gone out of my life dang what happened to january trudy closes the diary guess francis was right

oh about what i thought that it was useless yep men have no good ideas

all right the next team meeting trudy you have any ideas for how to communicate with everybody trudy think

oh gosh ah yes Well, I can't take full credit for this, but it is a pretty genius idea.

Actually, no.

If I'm going to be a force in the workforce, I need to learn to take other people's ideas and say, hey, this is my idea, and say it louder.

You did tell us that it's someone else's idea for you.

Trudy, well, you're giving it to us, so it's fine.

But yeah, go for it.

Wouldn't make it anything.

The

stone

thing.

Yes.

The shave and a haircut little, like.

Wow, the diddy.

The diddy stone, yes.

Ditty.

D-I-T-T-Y.

It's not the diddy stone.

No.

And we can make it say something else.

Oh, yeah.

Interesting.

Can we also make it louder?

Yeah, we can make it louder.

That'd be a good thing.

Oh, it's just a knob.

We can make it louder.

It's just a knob.

Yeah, it's just a little shrimp.

All right, well, let's just do that.

It doesn't even matter.

How do we go for that?

Can we just make it louder?

We still need people to come here.

Yeah, well, you would.

So this is in theory, you have to like cheat.

All right, fuck it.

Yeah, on the control.

You can have thousands of years.

You blow, there's a dusty, unused part of the control panel that has a typewriter on it, and you can type in what you want the wind tunnel for.

Very easy.

What was that, Blake?

Just a very loud sound.

Oh, just okay, so you just type in it.

I feel better.

I rolled a 10 on my edge, so it's like, you know, I was looking around at the manuals and stuff, and I figured out how to use this.

Great, thank you.

Great.

I think we just type wall caps.

O

A U, O, O, O, A, U, U, U, U, U, I, O, U, U, U,

full black.

I've got it.

For sale.

Baby shoes never worn.

So mysterious.

They'll have to come looking.

Is the baby dead?

Did it simply outgrow the shoes?

Was it not their baby?

Oh my god, Trudy.

That's such a good idea.

I do want to just remind you.

It doesn't take away how good of an idea what you just had was.

They do not speak our language.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

But I'm sure once they do, that would be a great one to do.

Yes.

But we can put that in.

Like I said,

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what's in there.

So a bunch of vowels.

No, no, we're going to do baby, the Stew Trudy's idea.

Oh.

I look at a plank, like, come on,

Stew Truth's idea should eat this.

It's still like did it,

but it's like

so we type that in and we put that on full blast.

Okay, and then we fast forward.

We don't like this jump to a thousand years.

We just taint time and we're watching.

Okay, so it's like when you're filling up the pump and you're trying to get it to exactly $20.

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

So yeah, you see

and you see a little, you know, like this silver.

The deer comes by and they get a little bit of a deer goes by and stips it and licks it.

And then you see see, like, you know, like there's a wind and stuff like that.

And then the girl comes by and fucks the hole.

Someone, yeah, a little, a little bird comes by and fucks the hole.

No, I specifically wrote not to do that.

That's his bird.

And then, yeah, eventually two college Bigfoots are out here smoking weed.

Nice.

And they.

Are they barely legal?

Two sexy co-ed college Bigfoots come out here and are smoking weed.

And then they see these rocks and they're like, ooh, and then they pick them up and look at them and then they run back to town.

Okay, now

the rocks are gone.

Wait, traffic old rock, too?

Yeah, you can pick the rocks up, right?

Oh, damn it.

Yeah, that's on us.

So we start fast forwarding to see.

Yeah, eventually they'll be like, you know what?

Maybe we should have put them back where they were.

Or they'll show them to somebody in the museum.

We'll be like, where did you get that?

That's terrible.

Bring us back.

Bring us back to where it was.

Politically, they'll eventually be like, hey, it's really irresponsible that you took it from where it was.

You should go back.

All right, here's what we'll do.

Here's what we'll do.

Here's what we'll do.

Okay, so you see the rocks disappear, and then you're looking at the monitor.

So here's a monitor over the city, there's a monitor over the swamp, the mines, and then there's the one at the museum, right?

So, yeah, if you trace it, you can see them go back to the museum and then, like, and fast forward, you see this huge crowd get around the museum because there's like this amazing new discovery.

Is that like posters?

Yeah, there's posters of the rocks, and you know, like there's all this hubbub.

Come see the come rock.

I know, no Indiana Jones type, no archaeologist, no serious museum person who got this and believes it's a real thing was like, hey, where did you acquire this?

And let's go.

Like, the first thing when you get get a boat, they'll be like, hey, let's go check out this archaeological site.

Where'd you find it?

So, yes,

that's going on.

The Bigfoots are astounded by this discovery.

And you see, fast forward, a Bigfoot come over to the mines and, like, you know, make an announcement.

And all the workers put down their pickaxes.

And it seems like this message from the gods has brought unity among the Bigfoots and the swamp people for a second.

And like, you kind of ushered in maybe a new golden age for this society.

Bigfoots and swamp people working together.

All it took was three rocks.

Hey, man, that's God.

He's coming to speak to us.

And so then the Bigfoots and the and the swamp people form a new kingdom and they're looking around.

Yes, they have a scouting party that comes up into the mountains to slow down.

Okay, and there's a mountain

mountains.

And they're looking around.

And then two college kids who are a little older now, but not a lot wiser

show them and discreetly hide where they were hiding, smoking their weed.

And then they point to the rock where they found the thing and it's at the fever peach that it's a lot of people.

I watched the children used never.

I'm going to stop.

I'm going to come in when they're, okay, guys.

It seems like we've been doing this plan for a long time.

Maybe we just give it one more shot.

And if it doesn't work, we'll go and do a heist or something.

I will try this.

One more.

One more.

So as they come up, I go, okay, maybe tie a rope to me.

It seems like we change civilization, which is great for them, but it doesn't get us the key.

So I'm going to come out there.

They all worship this thing now.

They have an idea.

I was just going to dress up, kind of godly, come out.

when they're there and mime and like have a rock in my hand and be like whoa

and mime putting the key key in the rock and putting it on the ground

speak English now and say huh don't they speak English now do they I don't know based on the wait wait based on the posters that have come up since the rocket showed up depends on how long you wait I'll put that out there how long you want to wait for English to spread

the first time somebody shows up without and they don't have the key or the rock with us okay in that case that's only been a couple weeks they don't speak English yet oh okay yeah dude we made these outfits to look all cool should we come out and be like hey you got to bring that thing back put it right here we just got to keep it really brief because they might try to capture us and do experiments on us and stuff yeah that's fair like we just go and go like

turning a key motion with our hands and then we go back inside and close the door what if we cut a rock that looks like key so we can hold it and then when we go out we can point at it visual aid great synchronization so i will come okay let's all know exactly what our move is so we can all do that once and then walk back in okay i step out i'm gonna hold a rock and gesture putting a key in it using a prop key doing using a prop key that's fine yeah it's a little piece of cardboard a little piece of paper it just looks like a key we're using it's fine i think they understand this is pretty you know it's like a key

whole poem about this right we wrote it

they waited long enough for them to speak english they took it away from here so now we're just asking them to bring the key back here yes yes all right francis when you said that we could probably reverse whatever tucker does to timmy did you mean that yeah He's not going to like permanently fuck up your kid.

It's his kid, too.

Maybe we should go further in the future.

Well, I mean, let's give this a try first.

trudy you're a good mom and whatever happens we're gonna save your kid and if something happened to him you're gonna be there to help him through it okay and you can blame me if i'm saying that as i'm putting like the costume on you

first what we're gonna do you open all right is give this one more shot and then we can move on okay you open the door yes uh we ran out to where the two college cuz yeah so this hidden wall in the rock slides open and you see this whole area's been kind of cordoned off almost like a close encounter to the third kind situation where like there's like a bunch of scientists with readers and doodads and getting warps.

And when they see this wall open, they're like zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip zip.

Oh my god, zip zip zip zip zip because they're saying like

so first like we'll say that like a cool floodlight because it's nighttime so that blinding inside light from inside the bunker, you know, like you're silhouetted as you emerge and that they turn on their lights and it spots you in your costumes.

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Describe these costumes to me.

Well, I took the bed sheets.

Okay.

And I made them really billowy.

And they flow wonderfully around us.

And they attach the cloaks attached to our arms as we wave our arms.

We look big and bird-like.

And Trudy, you did the headgear, so why don't you explain what you did with that?

Well, I thought that I would take a big can of beans from inside.

It was a huge can.

And I thought that I would make a little helmet out of it.

I did that.

And I made it a helmet.

And it's so big.

And it's just, it's great.

My favorite part of your helmet was when you put big keys on top of them, too.

Yeah.

Who's wearing that bean?

All three, all four of us.

You're all wearing these costumes.

They ran out of bed sheets, so mine is just a ghost.

I'm just a regular ghost costume.

What do you mean they ran out of bed sheets?

They ran out of like fabric for mine.

So mine is just like a ghost costume.

So you saw

my crown over there.

It's just a sheet?

Yeah.

With two eye holes.

But we ran out of sheets?

You didn't have enough for the billowy arms bad.

It's such a technical.

They had enough fabric to make a ghost costume, but not enough to do arms.

No, no, no, the cool, flowy arms.

Matt describes cool, flowy arms, besides.

We all want flowy arms.

We pulled straws.

Unfortunately, Blake pulled a short straw, so he doesn't get flowy arms.

I'm ghost.

Okay, so Blake is a spooky ghost, and the three of you are in flowy arm robes, and you have bean helmets.

I am wearing my crown up over my bean helmet.

And you got the crown, yes.

Yes, that's right, because you got the crown, the lost crown of Queen Scarlet Fury fiasco,

which you are wearing on your head.

That's a very

good thing.

Steps forward in her most disappointed and serious teacher face.

Points to the keys on all of our heads and goes, why is the key not here?

And I hold up a sword and I mime the key coming in and I place it on the ground and I bring the key back.

And then I look at all us, be angry.

And we all go.

Yes.

And Trinity clears her throat and says,

so if you're looking looking for sale, baby shoes never worn.

Francis points at his crown and goes, I'll trade you this for the key.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip.

And we all

go back inside.

We wave our hands all mysteriously and like go back inside.

Like, woo.

We close the door.

Guys, great job.

I think we killed Trinity.

You are good at putting on plays.

If we get back this, if you don't mind, I would love you to run the school plays.

If I could help.

Oh, wow.

What an honor.

I would love that.

Obviously, my attention needs to be saving my son first.

And then if it turns out okay.

And then after you can save your son with the power.

I just think it's important to know we don't want to just worry about saving the world.

We want to think about all the things we want to do in the saved world.

There's surviving and then there's living.

We're going to do another bootleg off-label, not the way you're supposed to play Call of Cthulhu's average group role.

Okay.

So everyone give me your persuade skill.

Persuade.

30.

30 plus.

I got 55 as my persuade scale.

10.

10 plus 10.

Dude, we did because I did the motion.

No.

35.

So you guys have a 26.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, Matt, I will remind you: you can pray to Zuzel.

You didn't do that yet, have you?

See how the world goes first?

No, I'm not.

No, you got to do it first.

You got to, you got to pray.

I got to decide if I'm going to do advantage.

Yeah, you got to decide if you could do advantage first.

You don't get to just redo the roll.

You got to decide if you're going to burn it on this roll.

Yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

Tell me what you say to Zuzel before you go out to do the thing.

What was your little pump-up speech to Zuzel?

Hey, Z.

What's up?

You've been watching.

We've had this really cool idea.

We were trying to make this whole civilization.

I liked Jenkins.

We're just, oh, well, yeah.

You're the only one.

I'm sad.

He can't.

Shut up.

You can't hear me.

Yeah.

Anyways, I just want, you know, I would really love for them to bring the key here instead of having to go down there and do other stuff because we've already spent a lot of time doing this.

So it'd be good if we just got

the key.

I don't want to hurt anybody else.

We've already been hurting too many people.

I just want to get the key so we can get out of here.

So, if you could help, I don't know what you do.

It seems like you went into my mind and made me understand stuff.

Maybe you can kind of flow into their minds and you know, help

me grant you this boon.

You shall be the greatest performer since Zargothel Barbax of the Cortidian Quadrant of Dark Space.

That's a lot of fun.

The finest order whose poetry made the gods weep at the beginning of time.

So shall your performance be for these people.

But I require something in return, Kelsey.

Yeah, that's 10% commission.

Think to me of your brother.

What do you want?

You just

whatever thought pops in your head of your brother when I say his name, you say his name.

Oh, it was usually the first time.

I wish to know more of him and how you feel.

Well, he was, he would always, because you know, mom was usually cooking, so she would always read the books to me when I was a kid.

And even though we got much older, it was still always fun.

Like, if I was reading a book, he would come over and be like, come on, little sis, you know, you need me to read.

And whatever I was reading, even if I was like 20, he would come and just start reading my book for me.

And it was nice.

I would say he was being mean about it, but I loved it when he read my books.

Delicious.

That's a weird word.

In that context, the boon is granted.

You feel the inspiration of the divine and dramatic arts fill your soul and spirit.

And you'll get to do a bonus roll on this.

Yay.

Can you just my persuasion now?

Since it's so funny.

Oh, that's true.

Yes.

That's what we'll say.

You can do yours instead of doing the idiot.

So you have have advantage on your persuasion and i'm 55.

okay all right the first one is a 22 okay second one is a 46 they broke past even the 22 would have passed the average one

the bigfoots are in awe of your performance and uh as you close back the doors and you see the monitors you see some of them quickly scurrying down the hill to get the key and then they come back and sure enough you watch it with great trepidation as they put the key in this little hole and then one guy goes up to fuck it and they're like no no no

no no no no i'm pretty sure they don't want that Oh, my God.

We got to see that.

Bigfoot are learning how to say egos.

We got the key.

Well, let's go get the key.

Yes.

Bring your gun just in case.

Oh, yeah.

I am.

I always keep that thing on me.

I keep on.

You open the door again.

And now there's a huge crowd of Bigfoots that are like, ah,

they're all losing their mind.

There's like a bunch of guards being like, all right, everybody, chill.

Like, you know, like, there's got to be fucking like,

opening it.

Yeah, they all wave their hands like Muppets.

And yeah, the key is pointing in this rock.

Okay.

What do you do?

And looking at the key, is it?

It's the key.

You recognize it.

It's the key.

Is that the key?

I can confirm that is the key or a very perfect facsimile of it.

All right, just like we rehearse, we all do a synchronized woo

and walk towards the key.

We do like a little circle around the key.

You know, like in every problematic movie about women being witches, how they run in circles around the thing.

We go, woo!

And we run around.

And then as we circle around, we get really close.

So they like lose sight of the key and we separate the key's missing.

And we do it again, and we put the key back, and we separate, and they see the key again, and then we do it again, and we separate the key's missing, and we go, Oh,

it's really gotten into that.

And we look up in the sky, like, where'd the key go?

And I reveal it in my hand, and then I tuck it in my

and we all start moving backwards towards the door.

And then I do a thing where I have the key in my hand, and I go, oh, and I throw it like you do with a dog, but you don't actually throw it.

And then I go, run!

We all run back into the bunker with the key.

And somewhere a Bigfoot is telling another Bigfoot, I saw Footy Proctor with the devil.

The door slams shut behind you.

Oh, my God.

There's a sort of murmur of confusion among the Bigfoots on the other side.

Nothing a thousand years old.

So, yeah, you hear the Bigfoots like outside are starting to get suspicious.

Like, what the hell was that?

Like, whoa, what was the end of the rhyme?

Read the rhyme to me one more time.

The rhyme, as we remember, as carved into stone, was once upon a time there was a key.

It was very good.

It brought much glee.

It had been lost.

It must be found so your loving gods will come around.

If you love your gods with all your soul, put that green key in the hole.

The hole is not a key for a penis.

Men are from Mars.

Women are from penis.

Fuck, you rule.

You fucking rule.

Okay, so here's what you see.

There's like this arguing outside, like, whoa, zip, zip, zip.

Some of the Bigfoots Bigfoots are like, whoa, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip.

Like, some of them are like on your side.

They're like, whoa, the gods.

They're the gods.

This isn't about what we would get out of this.

It's about what we would, you know.

No, we've kicked off a full-blown religious civil war.

Yeah, so basically, you start to see, you see some tension brewing among the Bigfoots outside.

Well, you now have the key.

We should probably go outside and stop them from killing each other.

I mean, I don't know how we just do that.

You just do that.

We don't go, woo!

We stand between them and we archstretch our arms arms with our palms facing outwards.

Or we give one of them a Pepsi.

Yeah.

Okay.

We might as well get them to take us up or down now.

Oh, yeah, we got to figure that out.

We come out and we do like really humble bows.

We go, wow.

And we go, ah, we point this guy.

This really feels like we didn't think out the second part of this plan, but it's okay.

We have a thousand years.

Yeah, we're going to be able to see it.

We already expected they were going to try to kill each other.

Yeah.

Well, there'll be less of them if they kill each other.

Yeah, there's that.

I was thinking about that, too.

They're pretty angry outside.

There's a lot of shouting going on.

There's a lot of Bigfoots debating with each other.

Uh-oh, it seems like a lot of the swamp people feel one way about it.

A lot of the Bigfoots feel another way about it.

Seems like that might be getting started up again.

Our job was just to do the art, how the audience responds to the art.

It's our responsibility.

What would you like to do?

Our poem was actually criticism on the poem.

I give Trudy the key, first of all.

I'm like, this is Tucker.

You keep hold of the key.

Okay, I'll put it in my apron.

Great.

Okay, where were they technologically?

We were saying it was like sort of Jetson's 50s age.

Okay, so they got like some flying stuff.

Yeah, they got like hub.

We'll say, yeah, they got hovering.

It is the Jetson's 50s.

It is an atomic age.

I guess we can mime that we want to borrow when they're Jetson cars.

Yeah.

It's pretty close to the sky.

Seems like the stage performance is really doing a good job.

We could just keep doing that.

The vibe I'm getting from watching them argue with each other is that they're just disagreed on like the message.

They seem to be psyched about us.

Oh,

Like, so far, we are blameless.

We could, you know, just steal one of their flying machines.

I feel like that's kind of an unprecedented thing.

We don't

steal it when everyone's looking at us and we're a god.

Judy, you know what gods don't have to do?

Steal that.

Steal.

Biggest stuff given to them.

Oh, yes.

And they speak English now.

Oh, no, not yet.

Not yet.

But it will.

You know, the language you've been looking for?

Well, listen to this.

A quick brown fox.

What's your name?

I poked my head out.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.

As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly.

Give me your place.

So, just from the ball.

I'm going to throw you guys a bone.

You don't need to throw us a bone.

We're fucking killing this.

You got the keys?

Yeah, let me go to your stupid fucking museum for a second.

Like a good field trip you pretend to be sick for.

You have to go to the museum at all.

I'm just dying over the fact that these people saw us take the key and they all started arguing about the message.

And then one of the gods just bumped her head out and sang gibberish and then closed the door.

There would be.

So this is my point.

There's a nerdy Bigfoot there.

And a nerdy Bigfoot and a nerd.

Oh, you know what?

It's just like a rival.

Oh.

There's like a Jeremy Renner swamp guy

and an Amy Adams Bigfoot.

Oh my god.

They got like a sort of like

they're both like, you know, neuro-linguists or whatever.

They've been trying to decipher them English.

So like they kind of know that they're the closest to understanding the language.

They haven't quite cracked it yet.

Oh my God.

And they're like, this is the future.

We'll be together.

The man of China goes back and is like, I can time travel.

They hear what Trudy's saying.

They see them writing stuff down.

And then the Amy Adams Bigfoot holds up like a whiteboard and it says, Blaine question mark?

They're learning.

Yes.

Oh, this is great.

Looks like you had to sing yes to them somehow.

Yes.

What is a universal thing?

Oh, then that's great.

You do that.

And then, like, there's another guy that thought that they worked like closing counters with like a sound machine.

And he's like,

no, yes.

That's a confusing message, actually, John.

The

Jeremy Renner Swamp guy.

Fuck me.

Jeremy Renner Swamp Swamp Guy runs over to the sound machine and pushes the guy over and like boops and boops.

And you hear something says, you want us to get you a plane?

Sing yes again.

Yes.

Why do gods need a plane?

Quick, get inside.

Quick, get back inside.

Get back inside.

Say.

No, no, leave it mysterious.

Oh.

Why are you money?

Were you Italian?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, oh,

gods of the the earth, baby.

I said so.

I said

so,

and I'm not throwing away my shot.

Okay.

Looks over to another translator.

He's got two like wiki-wiki translators.

They say, okay.

You see.

Jeremy Renner's swamp thing and Jamie Adams Bigfoot like go over like a Bigfoot general.

Do you know what I mean?

Like there's like a general.

there's like a general Bigfoot with like his council.

So they start talking to them and pointing back at the machine and pointing back at you.

And then you see a lot of harumping and a lot of like disagreeing going on because people are like, well, this seems suspicious.

What happens next, Will?

Okay.

And then, um, okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Trudy, why don't you try singing?

Just to clarify, sing, no, plane,

you all die.

Yes, yes, plane.

No, no, no, no, no, you all live, no?

Because then they might try to kill the gods.

Like, as far as they know,

yeah, yeah, we're chilling so far.

We're just kind of waiting for like what the cool payoff is going to be.

That's right.

Yeah, maybe just clarify that we'll do something cool if we get the plane.

You'll see some serious shit.

Like rain.

No, they don't.

They have rain.

They have rain.

That might be a bad thing.

Oh, that's true.

Just the right amount of rain.

Very difficult concept to explain in a song, I think.

Wealth.

Everybody loves wealth.

It's just lots of bounty.

Internal life.

Oh, immortal life.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, yeah.

Yes, truth.

Promise them they will live forever if they help us, and then soon we will drown them.

Okay.

Not that last part.

Don't tell them the last part.

Not the last part.

I've learned to fly a big plane before I even turn the key.

Before I make the mistake.

Before I kill all humanity.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, mention that.

Fuck.

Okay, so you see a lot of hurumphing, and then you see the general and Jeremy Reiner getting into a big shouting match with each other you know he's about to punch him and then singing isn't working

amy adams steps in and then like you know the general says something and then the amy adams kind of crest fall and like nods and like wipes away a tear and then like walks up to the little dj booth and is like we will bring you your plane

yay that's great why does she look sad thumbs up

thank you

it's a butt coming no but but she does look sad and the general looks happy so

she's seen the future and something bad will happen.

Oh, yeah, no, they're gonna, they're gonna let us get in the plane and they're gonna shoot us down.

Oh, I don't think that will happen.

I think it's more of a personal tragedy.

So, over the course of the next couple hours, the army guys disperse, and then, yes, like a flying Jetsons car comes out of Bigfoot City.

Boy, this got goofy and lands at the base of the mountain right in front of you.

Yeah.

The pilot gets out, this dashing Bigfoot pilot.

I don't know what to do.

Okay,

so he gets out and then backs up.

And then again, you see a lot of, it's like, more army guys here, more, more Bigfoot army guys here.

Maybe bring the general with us.

That's what I was saying.

Yeah, good idea, Francis.

They can't shoot us down if they got somebody we care about.

Yeah, that's fair.

So, yes, this guy gets out and you now have this plane.

And then you hear Amy Adams sadly once again with the thing go like, your plane is here.

Okay.

Let's bring her and Jeremy Renner, too, just in case.

Yeah.

Our plane is here.

Okay, well, let's all walk out.

We've already kind of established a whole lot of plane first.

Do I have anything on me that might look kind of futuristic that they might be psyched about?

I don't know.

You saw me.

I'm trying to remember what stuff I have.

Pretty cool, and so are our helmets.

Oh, wait, I promised I would give them the crown.

Yeah, I go and give them the crown.

No, no, I keep the crown on me

because they want it.

And then we invite the general and Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams onto the vehicle.

And as we leave, I will give them the crown.

Okay.

Okay.

So we want to walk out to the plane.

And we invite the others onto the vehicle.

I go with the general and the general's got like a Bigfoot cigar in his mouth.

And I do a little wee-ee-god thing you do a little dance in front of him a little dance in front of him and i put my single tear rolls down his eye

and i put my hand out for him to grab and i point to the plane saying he needs to come with us give me a persuade roll 45.

my persuade is 55.

okay great he reaches out and you can see his hand trying to shake but he's trying to hide it but like he takes your hand and he feels like you can tell this is the first time this bigfoot has felt peace in like a long time is when he's looking in your eyes he's like hey should we ask why they're crying

talk to us right that's not a bad idea.

Why are they crying?

I like to a little tear.

He just nods and goes,

and I do it again.

I go, but why?

He whispers something to the Jeremy Renner swamp monster.

No, don't tell him, tell me.

He doesn't know how to speak your language, man.

Oh, okay.

He whispers something to Jeremy Renner, and the Jeremy Renner in his horrible frog throat is like, because

you are so beautiful.

Oh, my God.

I think he's lying, but I'm still pretty psyched about that.

Oh, wow.

I do a little no, you like gesture to him.

And he's like, solemnly is like, no, you.

Okay, Dodd.

Okay, let's get to everyone on the board.

Get all on the Jetson's plane then.

We should probably board from the people who are going to be sitting in the back to the people on the other side of the sitting in the front.

I'm sure they take as long as possible to get when you're fucking sleeping.

The four of us should be where the wings are.

That's the safest place on the plane, is the structure of the wings.

I mean, it's a flying saucer kind of situation.

No, it's all wings, so it's all safe.

This is great.

It's great.

We're great.

So you board the flying saucer.

If you turn around, you see a tender scene between Jeremy Adams,

Swamp Monster, and Amy Adams.

Jeremy Renner, Swamp Monster, and Amy Adams.

And

where he's like going to get on, and then he turns to be like, come on, you coming?

And then, like, you see, like, she's like.

kind of waiting there like on the at the at the edge, right?

And she wants to go with him and her heart is with him, but then she looks at him and then she looks back and who's that?

That's like her little little bigfoot kid she's got like she's got a commitment here and she's she's torn between these two fades because she knows the kid is gonna die in the future

she looks at period and then the kid bigfoot is like terribly like realized these two had a complicated relationship you know like this was like their bond they kind of reconnected her and her kid and like the uh the kids like with the grandparents of her husband who died and the kid just whispers like zip zip and you can kind of tell probably means like just go and then she's like i'm gonna go and then she goes with jeremy right and get on together

it's kind of complex because you're like, wow, she's leaving her kid behind.

But, you know, it's also like she's going off into the future.

So it's like, wow.

We really lost a lot of empathy when we just looked at these people as just tools for our own purposes.

These were a fast forward tool.

Yeah, we lost our empathy and we got the key.

Come on.

You're right there.

You're good.

Okay.

So Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams, Bigfoot and Swamp Monster get on with the general who's played by, let's say, the late Powers booth.

Okay, this guy I do not trust.

He like sort of strokes his Bigfoot mustache and they all sit in the back.

And you realize he's got like a little Bigfoot gun that he's just like, you know, he doesn't quite trust you guys, but he's nervous, you know, because this is beautiful and he wants to believe.

He wants to believe so bad that this is going to go well and that they're going to get to meet their gods.

We actually don't have to lie.

Come to think of it.

We just fucking

blow it.

We're going to blow their fucking brains this

shit.

We're about to fucking fly out and break the seal of the sky.

So you fly up into the sky.

Who's piloting?

Well, they have a pilot.

They have a pilot.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so the pilot's coming too.

Yeah.

Okay.

So the pilot looks like Swamp Monster Glenn Powell.

He's in everything.

My God.

This guy's trying too hard, this pilot.

Swamp Monster Glenn Powell flies you guys.

And also, there's a beat where the Swamp Monster pilot and then like the Bigfoot general, like, they solemnly nod at each other like they've had a whole story.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're probably trying to daily reconcile them.

They finally reconcile.

They do a Predator high five.

Like, oh, they have those heroes.

Oh, yeah.

I know that you also realize Liv Tyler Bigfoot is like waiting back on.

Do you know what I mean?

All right, so they fly up.

We just point up.

Yeah.

You point up and then he goes up.

And we're looking for something up in the sky.

You glide up to the sky and you see below you the twinkling lights of Neo Bigfoot City.

Never looked at it from this perspective before.

What sort of adventures we could have had out there?

Who knows?

Probably nothing good.

So you fly up and you reach the top of the world.

Wow, wow.

How do we know that?

Do we like bang into it?

They've been up here before.

So then he's like a boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boom.

There's a sort of proximity detector.

Now,

oh, ho, if only Jenkins was alive, he could tell you where the hatch is, but I don't think you guys learned where the hatch is.

Well, good thing we have thousands of years to find it.

Well, we don't live for thousands of years.

We have me probably about 30 or so, and you got a good, I mean, well, the way you're going, I'm not sure.

This is just a future town.

I'm sure they have some immortality shit coming up.

You know, we just keep flying around until we see it.

Yeah, we'll be fine.

Give me an idea roll.

What the fuck is that?

Whoa, whoa, idea.

Idea.

It's not a skizzle.

Oh, it's intelligence.

Oh, it's intelligence.

Okay.

Yeah, give me an intelligence.

Oh, 70.

I got exactly my intelligence.

I got 38 out of 70.

My intelligence is a 65 and I got a 7.

My intelligence is a 40 and I got a 79.

There's a ceiling here.

Yeah, Blake.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Yes.

Wow.

Okay, so all of you remember when you were at the temple and looking up at the constellations that this point was the center of the world.

And it would make sense that the hatch would be over the center of the world.

Blake, ironically, it seems like you, as the one who fell through this hatch the first time, would remember where it was, but you don't because you're dumb.

This star looks like the other star.

You pilot your way, sort of like scraping the top of the world, essentially, up to this hole in the sky.

Oh, there's a hole in the sky.

Not the hole in the sky, up to the very, very zenith of this vaulted arch.

And unless you were certain it was there, unless you had the full faith that you knew there was a hatch up here, there's no way you'd ever be able to find it.

But sure enough, you see the faintest outline of basically like a trapdoor in the sky.

Cool.

All right.

I fell through that.

That's where I came from.

Oh, God.

You got to get like a wing walker or something out to open the hatch, right?

Yeah.

Glenn Powell.

Yep.

The general nods at him like, all right, now it's time for your Maverick shit.

This is what we signed you up for.

And Glenn Powell gives him like, are you sure?

This is why I got in trouble in the first act of the movie.

Now it's time for you to do it.

We need it now more than ever.

All right, so yeah, Glenn Powell's swamp thing looks his like he's been cocka-lee chewing gum the entire movie.

He just sticks his gum like this just his his thing he does when he ever gets into a cockpit.

He puts his gum on the fucking bubble of the cockpit and he cracks his knuckles.

The Bigfoots and the swamp monsters are staring awestruck at this.

Like, they're like, it was so simple.

It was here the whole time.

Like, but where does it go?

What could it possibly mean?

What does it, what does it lead to?

And they look all at you with questioning eyes.

Like, where do we go?

Like, what's up there?

The only way till I find out.

Come hither, Jester.

Come on, follow me.

We must go through.

We must go through.

Amy Adams nods in Bigfoot ease, whispers to the general what you said, Freddie.

And then the general steals himself.

You know, he was prepared to have to do something unconscionable up here if it turned out he was being betrayed.

But it seems like you guys are legit and you really are from the world above.

We did show you a hole we didn't see.

And he looks...

We can show you the hole.

He looks at Glenn Powell's swamp monster and Glenn Powell cracks his knuckles and backs up and gets ready for a hot dog flyboy shot as like two laser cannons pop out of this Jetsons mobile and they he backs up down and then rockets up straight towards this thing.

Fucking guns blazing.

And because he's concentrating all of this energy on that one specific shot, it pops open and he pulls the e-brake on the UFO and the thing flies up to the ceiling right as the bubble top opens up and like shoot perfectly connects with this hatch in the ceiling.

And then the centripetal force launches you guys into a storm drain.

And as it does, I recognize this drain.

Welcome to the world of tomorrow.

You hear an alarm blare.

I hate alarm.

And below, you hear what must be the most terrifying thing to these people below you, these speakers booming from every corner of the earth.

Perimeter breach.

All staff proceed to exit immediately.

Perimeter breach.

All staff proceed to exit.

Flood commencing.

Flood commencing.

And then you hear a shake and a rattle, and you see a wall of water tearing through this tunnel straight towards you and it's gonna dump into this hole and flood the entire world below you the general and amy adams and glenn powell and jeremy renter all look at each other shocked and then they look at you with betrayal in their eyes we also look shocked yeah we go oh i didn't think it would happen that quickly you see a ladder let's say down opposite from the where the rushing water is you can run and make it to a ladder to climb up i look at the big fist i say this is your final test and i sprint for the ladder.

Yeah, I point upward at the ladder and then sprint towards the ladder as well.

Like we're all going.

I hold the general's hand and I mime the tear motion and I point to the ladder and I run towards the ladder, hoping he'll follow me.

So I'm going to roll for Bigfoot General and Damien Adams and Jeremy Renner and Glenn Powell to see if any of them try to stop the water.

I'd be fascinated to see how.

We're going to say this is a roll for self-preservation.

So you want to roll low to have the instinct to run up and survive.

So Bigfoot General sees this wall of water coming and he thinks of his duty to the land beneath him, but he loses his nerve and flees up the ladder with you, as do Jeremy Renner and Glenn Powell, but

Amy Adams.

Oh, no.

Oh, the 97

remembers the daughter she left behind, her Bigfoot daughter down below.

Oh, I run back and I grab her.

Well, you already ran to the ladder, right?

And I run back and I grabbed her.

Okay, as you're running back to the ladder, she gives Jeremy Renner a kiss and she's never mind.

I run back.

Amy Adams sprints towards this wall of water and everyone's like, oh my God, what are you doing?

And Jeremy Renner's like, no, no.

And she jumps through the hole down into that hovering Jetson's car and ties herself in, fires up the engine, and rams it straight up through the hole and into the pipe in a desperate last-ditch attempt to stop the water.

Oh, wow.

And we are going to see if she succeeds.

She really runs the best of us.

She got a 15.

That sounds good.

The last thing she sees is this wall of water rushing towards her as she flies this Jetson car into this pipe and there's a huge explosion and

the whole ground shakes around you and the pipe collapses and wrenches down and it just starts spurting water down into the world below but it slowly shuts off and the pipe itself just falls and this giant piece of rubble just collapses into the ground beneath you.

But you are able to make it up the ladder with two Bigfoots and a swamp monster.

All right.

And you poke your heads out into the suburbs of Peachyville.

Is that guy still looking for his cat?

Oh, yeah, shit.

Where's Marbles?

Oh, Marbles pops out of my

head.

So all of this happens literally at the exact same spot that you climbed down into.

Yes.

And it's been a mere matter of minutes since you went down here.

Yes.

And you see this little kid who sees you come out.

Let's say you come out first, Freddie, because you said you were the first one.

So you emerge with a pterodactyl skull on your head.

And this kid's like, oh my God, mister!

Scram, kid.

This is my cat now.

What?

But Marbles, my cat.

Oh, gee, whiz.

And Marbles.

You can't have him.

You can't have him.

Trudy right behind me.

Yes.

But it's my kitty.

I point my gun at the kid.

I go, let it go, kid.

What's this kid's name?

Well, the kid's name is also Marbles.

He's like, Marbles.

Hey, okay, Francis, Marbles.

Go back home.

Go back home.

Kelsey, this is Grammar.

It's my cat.

Well, it's tough to explain, but I just got straight up.

It's not your cat anymore.

And he just cries and runs off down the street.

And as you are climbing out, and the two Bigfoots and the swamp guy are like peering, terrified out from this.

Oh, should they come up?

I guess they should come up.

They should.

Yes.

Bigfoot and black lagoon creature.

Welcome to Peachyville.

The world is yours.

Just go do what you want.

They all, they look at each other and they look at you and they look at the kid that just ran away and they just close the sore lid.

That's probably good.

No, no, they need to be up here.

They'll figure it out.

They'll figure it out.

They have some things to do.

He can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it accept the death of all of its friends and family.

Oh, God.

Yeah, we did that.

I mean, we didn't do that.

That fucking thing.

Yeah, it was going to happen regardless.

I was hoping that this would, like, exit us in the control room so we we could like turn that off, but I guess not.

By the time we get there, the time dilation will mean that they'll all be dead for like a thousand years anyway.

Speaking of time dilation, you realize that again, several minutes have passed and you're also in the street near your house, Trudy.

Oh.

And as that realization dawns on you, you hear a loud crash from inside the house, like something getting toppled over, glass smashing.

I'm going to just check to make sure everything's okay.

So I'm going to go into my house.

We're right behind you.

Okay.

As you are charging towards the house, you hear two more sounds in quick succession.

You hear a bang, like a gunshot, followed by a scream that sounds like Trudy's voice.

And as you approach the front door, you hear one more thing right above you.

You hear pounding on glass, and you look up and you see Timmy out the front window of the second story.

And he's looking down at you, screaming, and he says, Help me, help me.

And as he does that, you see the door swing open behind him, and Tucker steps forward and plunges the syringe into the back of his neck.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

This hereby concludes our fifth year of Dungeons and Daddies.

So thank you to everyone for listening to the show, commenting in places that you can write comments, sharing this show with your friends, forcing them to listen to it on road trips, drawing fan art, posting fan art, or otherwise enjoying our Comedy Improv Role-Playing Show in any way you see fit.

There is no wrong way.

Your support over these past years has allowed us to tour the world with these characters, which is a wild thing to say, and it's been an absolute blast.

So from all of us to you, happy holidays, happy new year.

And, you know, just listening and enjoying the show is enough.

But if you want to chip in a little bit more, the easiest way to do that is through our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

In return, you get mountains of bonus content, access to our community Discord, community events, ad-free episodes, all of that and more available starting at $5 a month.

The perks just go up from there, so find out more at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth Mae as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashen Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Else is our lead editor.

And Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

This show is supported by a Patreon, as you know, and those patrons include people like Zig Productions, Savvy Blue, Mike, Melanie Wiley, Rance Mock, Stella, Hannah H., Matt Hansen, James M., Rasmus Scofe, Andy Wright, Nickel Wing, Chris, I don't know, Kaylin Beerly, Danella Rodriguez-Gusti, Anthony McDonald, Sam Bosley, and Daniel Glover.

We're cooking up a little thing for you in two weeks on the 31st, but our next main feed episode will be January 14th, 2025.

So, happy holidays, happy new year, and from all of us at Dungeons and Daddies, thank you, and we'll see you in the new year.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away,

but I stay

today.

All that I can see is is holding the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

My favorite part of the hunger games as a church, and I quote this all the time: is when they're doing all the build-up to the first game, and then it shows them getting into these tubes, and then it cuts to someone in the control room.

They're in the tubes.