S3 Ep. 13 - The Door into Plumber

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Here it is, Trudy's Dream House.

A wonderful new home for Tucker's beautiful new wife, Trudy.

It's completely furnished with Trudy's own sewing machine, cuckoo clock, baby blanket, and go bag.

And look, a roomy closet to put away all of Trudy's stuffy old dreams and desires.

You'll have fun cooking the food, cleaning the floor, folding the laundry, washing the dishes, changing the diapers, and of course, nursing the baby, a lady's privilege.

Trudy's dream house is truly a wish-come Trudy.

And look, the whole house and everything in it folds up into the prettiest little cage to keep Trudy safe and sound.

Tucker will appreciate that.

Just try running away from Trudy's dream house.

Go ahead and try.

Abandon our newborn son and the only man who will ever love us.

You'll never make it past the white picket fence because wherever you run, I'll be there too.

And I'll drag us back here by the fucking hair if I have to.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

What is it?

It's a beachy podcast.

This season, the Beachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four, now four, everyday Schmoe's fighting the forces of darkness.

You haven't joined us.

Well, I'm in the mix.

No, you're not.

He's in the mix.

I'm in the mix.

So says the DM, so say we all.

He's in the mix.

The kid stays in the picture.

For everyday Schmoz fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

I'm Freddie Wong.

I play deep thinking plumber.

Blake Lively.

This week's Blake Fact as he wrestles with a pterodactyl.

Like, what the fuck, Will?

People are.

Yeah, we'll find out.

People are thinking that we're being sent back in time, maybe?

Who knows what's going on?

But this week's Blake fact.

Blake, as a plumber, has a favorite plumbing implement, the P-Trap.

The P-Trap?

But here's the crazy thing.

It doesn't trap P.

What does it do?

It prevents the gases from the sewer line to getting into your home.

Okay.

Okay.

That's it.

It's the P trap.

That's just a real fact.

It's a real fact.

I love it.

So the character we needed to know the most about, you gave us that.

Cool.

That's cool.

I love the P trap.

It's quite very smart.

We haven't met him yet.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're

slowly learning.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm.

And you know what she always says?

Whether or not a glass is half full or empty depends on whether you plan on filling it up or drinking it.

Okay.

Oh,

What the fuck does that mean?

I don't know.

You know what it means.

No, I don't.

Just think about it.

And a little fact about Kelsey is that her favorite food, and this is the thing that she gets in trouble with.

This is the only time she's ever been in trouble at school.

Okay.

She cannot resist.

a fucking perfect PBNJ.

Which means, and like so many kids have little PBNJs just sitting on their desk, like half eating.

And it's like, well, why put it to waste?

She knows that kid's going to throw it away.

She doesn't know how gross kids are.

She's George Costanzing, half-eaten PBJs.

Sorry, I defend Kelsey Remorse.

I think that's a totally acceptable thing to do.

Look, look, she's working hard.

She gets hungry.

Those kids ain't going to finish that sandwich.

And maybe once or twice, maybe she ate it before the kid was done.

We don't know.

But she can't resist at BBNJ, so don't put one in front of her if you need her to do anything.

Say that.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Marnsworth, a kid with a gun.

And the Francis fact today.

He's more than that, Anthony.

Is he?

Yeah, he is.

She's also anxious, self-hating, addicted to masturbating, has a weird mind.

The character A Mile over here.

That's good thing.

I love that best.

What did Beth say?

I said the character.

Today's peachy fact for Francis is that he was planning on cutting out a picture of Carly from his yearbook and affixing it to the butt of his rifle.

Like, this is what I'm fighting for.

But then, like, he sort of saw Shane again and remembered, like, wait, maybe it doesn't say good things about Carly that she loves Shane so much.

So instead, he is now just carving tally marks into the butt of his rifle.

He has one that's like scratched out because he thought it was going to be Tucker, but it turns out he's a robot and that doesn't count.

So he just scratched that one out.

So he preemptively marked it?

No.

We were saying he scratched it out.

Like he shot Tucker and then as he was scratching it into his thing,

I didn't mention it at the time, but he turned it immediately throughout a puck knife and started scratching it in and then saw that it was oil.

I was like, God damn it.

And he had to scratch it all out.

Wow.

That was a lot going on for you.

That's why you got to confirm your kills.

My name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, a robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of one beautiful child.

Whoa.

Fun fact about Trudy.

Wow, we're really

sloughing towards entropy with these.

The center cannot hold.

Trudy only goes to the bathroom at home because that's her IP address.

No!

Shit, that's good, Father.

That was really good.

That is good.

good, man.

That was a fucking bad.

That was by far the best one.

Holy shit.

That is obscure stick worthy.

That is a banger.

That is very good.

That's a banger, dude.

That's like a top five jokes of the podcast, in my opinion.

That's outstanding.

Wow.

I don't know if I go that far.

It was good.

It was very good.

I love a good pun, and that was a fucking great one.

You know, it was good because all of us started grading it and discussing it and talking about how much we liked it.

The most important thing is that we're all judging that.

That's great.

I'm Will Camp Boss.

I'm your daddy OMAST and your spooky daddy fact

for this week.

Oh, no.

One, I found my cheat sheet again, so I'm fucking back.

I'm back in the zone.

You keep saying he's not back.

I'm thinking he's back.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex

did not have vision based on movement.

Now we know that.

So they...

That's a common thing now.

Is that?

Let him finish.

It was in the movie Jurassic when it's worth Lost World remembers.

I don't know.

Someone were to find themselves being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex this episode.

They're just going to be like, Ian freeze.

They would not want to freeze like Ian Malcolm.

And I think we all remember how that worked out for Ian Malcolm.

He got a sexy broken leg and then his shirt was open.

It worked out really well for him.

And us.

And he got the sequels and the other ones didn't.

And that yielded.

Oh, also, quick bonus Peachy Fact for me this week.

I am going to be guest starring in season two of Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons.

This is one of the best fucking actual play podcasts in the game.

The cast is hilarious.

The plot is insane.

Season two just started up yesterday, so it's a great jumping-on point.

My first episode comes out on December 2nd, right after Thanksgiving.

We had so much fun recording it.

It's like a whole Indiana Jones type thing.

I cannot wait for you all to hear it.

So yeah, go check them out.

Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons.

Okay, you guys want to fucking want to

play

the game?

I want to fight Cthulhu.

We open

on

a dense canopy jungle.

Boo, this is gonna be Fray's thing.

Okay, all right.

Let's go back to my lunch.

Mist hanging in the air.

We hear like those little birds going, ooh, ooh, oh, oh, god, like some tropical ass birds.

He's getting toward the tiki room.

We pan down.

And I hate it when people say we pan down in an audio thing.

Yeah, panning down.

The trees.

Yeah, you tilt.

But it helps you tilt down.

No, but you just describe what's happening.

It's audio.

You just say the trees are blind.

The trees rustle.

And a big crate comes out, right?

Where am I looking, though?

Am I looking down?

Am I panning down when I'm seeing these trees though?

I'm sorry, Will.

I just, I love Jurassic Park so much.

The trees rustle, and a man emerges from this thick, dense canopy into a clearing.

He has a beard now and a pterodactyl skull for like a helmet.

And he's got fucking tattered clothes.

And it's Blake Lively, the plumber.

And Freddy, I have a question for Blake Lively.

He's been in here for weeks weeks now.

Weeks, okay.

Weeks.

He's been wandering this strange new world.

I love the idea of aging this character we haven't met yet.

Has Marbles the cat survived?

Has he taken good care of Marbles the Cat?

Marbles is in the skull and like riding around like a ratatouille.

So Marbles the kitty cat is ratatouilleing in the skull.

I love that.

That's very cute.

And Blake is like, we just need to find more bones to make jungle toilet.

Too many weeks, Marbles.

We are shitting in ponds,

water holes.

Why is he shitting

in ponds?

Nobody shits in a pond.

He shits in a tree.

He's like, this is where I drink my water.

You just shit in a tree.

Why is he shitting?

No, the water's marbles everywhere.

That doesn't seem marbles.

You can dig a cat hole.

Marbles are open there.

Yeah, you don't.

Excuse me, this is a scene between marbles and

marbles.

As you know, I have the shitting pond and the drinking pond.

Very important not to mess those two up.

Yes, that's why

you have a shitting pond.

If you have the wealth of many ponds, what are you doing?

I'm just asking you to think about the logistics because, like, a pond is like it's ground and then water, and it's a lot of water.

It's a significant thing.

That's why I'm building a dock out to the middle of the shitting pond.

And then, if you were to miscalculate, trip backwards, get startled by any wild animal, you would be falling into the pond of shit.

At first, I was doing this, but I was using vines to hold myself up.

The purpose of water for toilets is to is a movement device to move the poop somewhere else.

There's no reason to poop into water.

It's like no animals.

Like, I'm pooping in one.

He's just pooped on the ground.

Why is he making a pond to poop in?

Are you like a cat and you feel like you have to hide your drops to avoid predators?

All right, all right.

Yeah, hey, hey, yeah.

I'm dropping.

Here's what I'm doing.

It's your character.

I'm sorry.

Blake is is building a dock out into the middle of his poop pond so that he can deposit his poops into the middle of the pond.

Great.

Okay.

Good.

I'm glad they're there.

As you are building.

We'll say that you drop your bundle of bones that you're building with your poop deck with, so to speak.

Yes, the poop deck.

As you do that, you hear a noise off in the distance.

You hear the sound of a motorcycle engine, probably.

So my guy is like a handyman.

So I wonder if I can get any more information on

the cycle.

Everyone did level up, right?

I did.

I gave everyone a homework.

They were all supposed to level up twice.

So, if their skills are shit, blame them, not me.

Yep, I failed one level up.

I got another one.

I got a little bit more spy-hidden, baby.

The spy-hidden train is.

You can treat yourself to many skills, right?

You don't have to just multiple skills.

You got multiple?

I was very clear about this.

Three skills.

I mean, right, you only get two levels up.

No, no, you get two per whatever.

You get to level up twice per skill that you have used.

Can I choose to

just all

spot and spot it.

No.

Okay, thank you.

That's what I was asking.

That's really funny.

Unless you can explain to me how using those other skills led to you being better at spotting.

When I was being stealthy, I was spotting hidden things.

You knew what it was like to be hidden because you were hiding.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'll upgrade other stuff.

I just only care about spotting.

Freddy, what are we rolling?

What are we doing?

I'll just roll listen.

Okay.

Do you want like advantages?

You know what cars are?

I rolled an 89.

What is that strange sound of beasts?

Okay, what would you like to do?

You hear it rumbling off in the distance.

Obviously, hide.

I want to get height.

This fucking game.

Fray, there's a motorcycle sound.

Hmm.

I want to roll.

Listen.

It's still a motorcycle.

Losing my mind.

I want to get some height.

I want to pull up onto a tree.

Great.

I love that.

You scurry up a tree.

Like the high hide in Lost World.

There you go.

Like the high Lost World heads.

And you see down in the clearing beneath you in this mysterious tropical world you find yourself in, you see a man on a motorcycle kind of idling to a stop.

I ready my battle coconut.

Your battle coconut.

Okay, great.

Are there coconuts in the jungle?

It's only tropical.

They have some mysterious fruit you've never seen before.

And you call it a coconut.

I call it a coconut because I've never seen a coconut before either.

You've never, why would you call it a coconut if you've never seen one before?

That's what I figured.

I heard.

Oh, here's what I found.

You heard of coconuts, but have never seen a picture of a coconut.

And this looks like a cocoa nut.

Okay, great.

So you ready your cocoa nuts, and this man down in the clearing beneath you, he starts digging a hole in the ground.

He's wearing a lab coat, he's got dark black hair.

Do you have you met Tucker before?

I knew it.

I might recognize him as someone who was in Peachyville, maybe, but not necessarily like exactly who it is because I've done work on basically everyone.

Tucker does his own plumbing.

You can't risk anybody seeing his shit.

He just gets a new toilet every time I use it.

Every time I do a number two, he gets a new toilet.

That's real rich.

That's more than boat rich.

New toilet rich.

You toilet every time.

Socks are rich, where you just get a new pair of socks every day.

The real rich is a new toilet every day.

He's digging this hole.

You recognize him as someone you've seen around PG Ville.

He's a little far away.

And then he pulls out what looks like a time capsule from a satchel on his bag.

And then he...

Sorry.

What looks like a time capsule?

What does a time capsule mean?

A metal tube, you know.

Oh, a time cap.

Sorry.

In my head, when you said the phrase time capsule, I didn't think of the things that was like very futuristic.

Yeah, I was like, I was like, how do I know what a time capsule is?

If anything, you'd probably be more inclined to know what a time capsule is back in the 50s because they used to actually use them all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it makes you think.

You fucking idiot.

You bozo.

No, I'm not going to be mean to Freddy.

Everyone else will be mean to Freddy.

You watch as the man below you takes a green key off of a necklace and puts it in this time capsule and buries it in the ground.

Then he gets on his motorcycle and drives off back into the distance.

Okay, so Blake is gonna make note of that

and he's gonna see the tire tracks that left.

Quick investigation of the tire tracks.

Is this the first time that like Tucker's come out into this clearing and buried something here?

Or is this, you know what I'm saying?

I won't answer that question specifically, but this is the first motorcycle tracks you've seen.

Okay, interesting.

That's when they sort of zoom off into the, he disappears into another grove of tropical.

So just in case I want to string some vines across a blind spot.

You want to string some vine, baby?

Where the motorcycle tracks are.

So if Tucker ever comes back, you can clothesline him.

Yes.

He will be decapitated.

Okay, is that what you'd like to do right now?

I'm doing that right now.

Yeah.

I would love that.

His best arch enemy gets killed off screen by a character we don't know.

Dude,

professional survival instincts.

We get out.

We hear.

Dude, did you hear what they found in the jungle?

You follow the tracks back whence they came towards the entrance of the grove.

As you're tying this taut vine, you hear massive, thunderous footfalls stomping towards you, trees shaking.

If you were to look back at your poop pool, the water would be vibrating as if one was plucking a guitar string underneath it.

And a shadow falls over you, and you hear a ginormous, thunderous, ball-shaking roar as a horrible, terrible lizard stares down at you and screams.

A mighty scream, its jaws shrieking, its teeth glistening.

What do you do?

I'm gonna try and trip it up by running underneath it.

You run it.

By the way, underneath it.

Under its legs.

On its legs.

I'm gonna thread the needle.

Give me an acrobatics right there.

Or give me a dexterity roll.

If he can't come up with anything.

Dexterity roll.

Now, I happen to have quite a bit of dexterity.

Oh, he's a nimble boy.

I've thought about the deficiencies of my character and the ups and downs of the system.

And I roll a 37 on a 75, which is a super success.

Describe to me the way you nimbly weave your pass.

I go, oh, I tuck in real tight like a football guy and I just sprint straight through blindly, but pure luck has made it so that I weave through the feet effortlessly and dodge the tail.

But now, now that T-Rex has no idea where I am because it will look underneath and as it looked underneath, the guy's head stuck underneath his legs.

Well, we're not going to go that far, but you get a head start on running away from it.

Enraged as its Corey slips away from it, it turns around and spots you slinking and speeding through the woods, and it gives chase through the jungle, engaging you in a terrifying, deadly race for your very life.

You tear through the trees, limb from limb.

You're not limb from limb.

You tear through the trees.

Maybe it would be, though.

It's trees.

Limb from limb.

The limbs are tearing off the trees.

Vines are whipping you in the face.

You get one of those cool little, like, do you remember Princess Mononoke when he gets that fast?

Shocking about that shot all the time.

You get like a couple of those.

Marbles, the cat, has fully sunk his claws.

You know what I mean?

It's like, oh man, it's not a cool little checkpoint.

It's like a center and off to the side of the center.

It's like Hylo Ren and Force Awakens, where it's like a nose thing.

Yeah.

You run and you run and you find yourself bursting through the other side of this forest as this T-Rex gives hot pursuit.

You see a wide open plane in front of you with a sky.

Board the plane!

Board the plane!

The sky meets the horizon in this line that seems ever distant, and then, wham, you collide straight into a wall.

And you realize that the horizon is false, and you're at the edge of some stone wall, as if you're in some kind of hollow earth situation.

And with that, we cut to.

And I think we do still cut to in an audio environment.

It's not a thing where it's like we don't pan.

You could also just say elsewhere.

Elsewhere.

Oh, I like that.

Thanks, Anthony.

Elsewhere.

Suddenly elsewhere.

Suddenly elsewhere.

Suddenly elsewhere.

Yeah, but without the word cut, I just assume that that we're like flying there.

We're following a moth or something.

That's a dire brain is just moths flying around everywhere.

Matt is so moth-filled, dude.

An elevator door opens, and our three amigos, what remains of the guttural screams, find themselves in a strange new environment that doesn't look that strange.

It's like a big fucking room, like it's got big government facility vibe.

What would you say it is in respect to like the three one

three-ring circus?

You're in a room that's about like one and a half times the size of one ring in a three-ring circus.

And

it's a you know, like sterile environment, white walls, two hallways peeling off in a long arc on either side of you, and in front of you, a big door, like a big bank vault type door.

It's like a video game hallways, guys.

It's like some get some Resident Evil-ass cores.

Make sure to go down one hallway.

If it looks like it's going for a while, you you turn around and go back around.

Go to the other hallway because that's the hallway.

That's the main line.

Yeah.

When we last left you, you had had a harrowing encounter with the brain of the original Trudy Trout and then managed to deduce the super secret keypad code of Tucker Trout's elevator down to the actual Project Heartland research training.

Yes, we still try to get the green key.

We need a green key.

It was green?

He let it slip.

He let it slip.

He never said the key was green before, but now we know where it is.

It's in the past.

I can't find it.

I'm colorblind.

It's in the past.

I want to go to the past.

Kelsey's like, I want to go to the past.

Kelsey doesn't know where the key is.

Kelsey didn't see any of that.

Only the audience did.

Zuzel, where is the key?

He's spending it.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Zuzel says to you, I will tell you what I know for a price.

I'll give you as many PBNJs as you want.

Who are you talking to, Kelsey?

Sufficient.

Oh, God.

Are you crazy too now?

No, I'm not crazy.

You guys are.

I'm crazy.

Okay.

I would never call a woman crazy.

I'd say hysterical.

Oh, well, yeah.

I feel a little bit like that right now.

Oh, wait, I just did call a woman crazy.

Shit.

Well, Trudy, did you...

That painting, did a voice talk to you?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you said no.

I said no.

You said, oh.

Yeah, I said no, too.

What?

What?

Did you say yes?

You said yes.

Well, it was a nice painting.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Miss Grammar.

Tell them you said no, and I shall give you more power.

Oh, um i actually it's funny story i know i just said that i said uh yeah did it just tell you to lie to us but i actually no it would never do that i said

okay

and i'm nodding it's like it's telling me no i mean i did i said no to it and you see like a tear forming down her eye as she's nodding like i said no and everything's fine and clearly i did what we all would have done and i didn't make a mistake

i have to say that when people from now on will tell me that everything is fine, I'm inclined to not believe that.

Same, I just can't trust adults.

No, I think those are both good instincts, and I don't think everything's gonna be fine.

I just think we need to find the green key, and Zuzo's our lord, and we'll figure out a way.

I mean,

well, on the upside, you've gotten promoted to being uh in front of us all the time.

That's you know, what that's good, um, very well.

Stand in front of them, lead them to their doom.

Oh, um,

guys, I need to talk to you now.

No, no, tell them nothing unless you wish to suffer torments.

Let's go forward

and look for a green key.

Otherwise, nothing.

Oh, my God.

As you step forward, you hear the voice of Tucker Trout barking at you over a loud scream.

Hey, what the heck do you think you're doing?

Oh, we know this, Joe.

We can't talk back to it.

Don't you know that the research department is closed on Sundays?

This is Director Tucker Trout reminding you that Sunday is the Lord's Day, even at Project Heartland.

So turn back immediately, head to your home, and spend the day with your family, silly.

Oh, no, he's a Christian.

I can't kill another Christian.

Poor face disciplinary action.

Message repeats.

Hey,

what the heck?

You're insulting in the middle of the day.

All right.

Well,

here's the thing.

He was never home on Sundays either.

I think he was here.

Oh, he's not in practicing then.

Fuck it.

No, I think he was.

He probably worked here.

He probably, because it's his rules, so he can work here on Sundays.

He can work here on Sundays.

Do you go into his basement and just knock him out?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, we got a demon who can fuck stuff up now, so that's, I guess, one point in my favor.

Suso.

Don't lie to me again, Cal See.

I can't take it.

Okay, I'm not going to lie.

You only want to trust that was true.

I didn't think it was a big deal until I found out you two said no.

because they're lying to you, no, okay,

okay, yeah, they're no, can I roll to like have Zuzel shut up for a second?

You may roll.

What do I roll?

Give me a willpower roll.

Willpower, okay.

And I'll have Zuzel do the same.

A 13.

Zuzel got an 11.

Oof.

That sucks.

And he's got probably more willpower than you.

So I guess Zuzel won't shut up.

Nice try.

That's okay.

You wish to quiet Zuzel in your mind, but Zuzell is here

I'm a little worried now.

Now what I heard fates are intertwined.

No, I get it, Kelsey.

I mean,

we hear Tucker repeating, and that's annoying.

It's hard to think.

And you must hear a voice like that repeating, and it's hard to think.

And it's just a lot of voices in my voice repeating, and it's hard to think.

And so I understand that it's difficult.

No, it's just really, all this is really confusing.

And I want,

we need to save the town.

And there's things that aren't in books, I know, because I've been writing a book forever.

And I just thought, I don't know Zuzel is or anything.

And I just thought it was like, you don't say no to a teacher.

Like, I just thought Zuzel was a teacher.

So, like, it would teach me things.

I will teach you.

So, but now I'm worried.

I'm worried I messed up.

Look, if there's anything I've learned in the past couple of days, it's that thinking too hard never actually leads to anything good.

So, let's just focus on the green key and keep moving forward and not think about any subtleties or any like moral dilemmas or anything.

And we'll just go and it'll be fine.

We'll all be good people.

Okay, let's put a pin in what you said, but I agree with you for right now.

Let's just move forward.

And I just need both of you, just the next thing I say,

always hold on to, okay?

Everything I say about Zuzo is a lie.

Give me a Zuzo roars in your brain.

Give me a,

that's great.

I'll let you choose if you want to take a D8 of sanity loss or if you want to take a D8 of health.

Sanity feels more.

Okay, so we're going to say this is from 40 sanity.

This is not a sanity roll.

Yeah.

This is your, this is your max sanity is going to go down.

Yeah, my max sanity is.

Or you can take physical damage.

No, I'll take the sanity.

Okay.

I only have 35, so now I'm going to do a d8 for damn.

So 31.

Okay.

So yes, your brain

cracks with agony.

You have a splitting headache as you feel the pain of resisting the will of Zuzel in your mind.

Zuzel's fine.

It wasn't a big deal.

You guys should have said yes.

Let's keep going.

Kelsey, just because somebody is like, you know, thinks that they're the boss, it doesn't mean that they got to be the boss of you is what I've learned.

Sometimes somebody is the boss of you because I have a principal and I have Zuzel now.

And Zuzel's great.

Remember what I said the first time.

Zuzel's great.

Let's just keep moving forward.

Trudy, that means that makes Zoo's house not great.

What do you guys want to do?

Oh, yeah, which door should we go in?

Okay, I want to check out that door.

Okay, so as you approach the door, it's a big vault door, like a bank vault door, you see a warning written on it.

It says, all chamber doors must be shut before stasis field can activate.

Give me a no roll, everybody.

I failed.

I failed.

I failed.

Y'all failed your edgy roll?

Damn.

What's a door?

What's the stasis field?

I can't read, I don't think.

I'm going to try to open the door.

Okay, great.

I love that.

As you go to open the door, you in fact hear a thud on the other side of the door.

You hear like a wham as if someone has run into a wall near you.

And now our two scenes are merged.

He did it.

Somehow he did it.

Our split screen comes into one view.

Blake, you are on the other side of this wall.

Twigs in my hair.

Cat.

I don't see anything yet.

You are caught on your trail.

The four of you hear a thud on the wall.

You've just clonked into a wall.

We should shoot the first thing that comes out of there.

We should blast this wall.

Was that thud?

Is that the way the door works?

Was that like a thud, like a lock?

Try again.

Try to open the door.

I keep trying to open the door.

Oh, okay.

You open the door.

From your side.

That's an easy Jesus.

What a big door.

What was that thud?

Why is the door so big if you can open it that easily?

It's not locked.

Is there a way for Freddy to open it on the other side?

No, it's just a wall.

Looking like a sound.

Yeah, he sees nothing.

So, guys, we do have the opportunity to do the fight.

You know what?

I think we should maybe check out the other hallways first because it says you have to close the other doors first.

Seems like whatever is in here might be like really dangerous.

I didn't want to prepare by going to the other hallway.

I got to hear what that thud is, though.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I continue to open it.

I continue to open the door.

So you open the door.

There's a big pneumatic hiss as it pops open.

And then you see there's like a little light up display on the wall next to the door that marks four doors in this complex.

And you see that right now, two of them are lit up.

The door to the north is lit up, and the door you're at, the southern door, is also lit up as you popped it open.

The door slides open and you see this incredible Jurassic tableau before you.

Trees, jungle, everything.

And then you see a bedraggled, disheveled, bearded, bone-wielding plumber.

It does move with beards.

And you also see a T-Rex thundering up behind him.

With the dying shore.

No.

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Is that a kitty?

Both of you just come in.

Ah, hello.

Close the door behind him.

Give me a luck roll.

Just Matt, because he's the one closing the door.

I failed.

I got 74 for 57.

Okay.

Zuzel,

I would like my advantage.

I get once everybody.

You feel the will of Zuzel trickling ever further into the recesses of your brain.

Fucking Zuzel 182.

Feel it again.

Mediocre.

Sorry, dog.

You manage to slam the door shut.

You still get it shut, but the T-Rex knows that there's something there.

Like he's seen it, and you hear him banging into the wall and sniffing and panting on the other side as this huge, horrible monster.

I always thought dinosaurs were dumb, but it gave me a look like it knew where we are now.

I agree, and I wonder if this thing, this big thing that I can't even comprehend in my, in my soul or my brain, I wonder if it's like Moth Jesus, where it looks scary, but it's actually kind of a hunk.

No, I mean it was chasing after, like, Moth Jesus just approached, right?

Like, this thing was chasing.

Didn't have anything.

Oh, everyone give me a sanity roll for a single T-Rex, by the way.

I mean, a fucking, like, cool roll, because it was coolest I've seen.

Fucking coolest thing I've ever seen.

Ooh, yes, a nine.

I succeed.

I got a 67.

I failed.

Okay.

Yay, I got 22 after those two shitty foot rolls.

I succeeded.

My sanity's only 31.

Beth, give me a 1d4 sanity loss for seeing this mind-boggling sight.

And it's not hunky at all.

And it's not hunky.

Two.

He looks like the most not hunky actor that they keep trying to make happen happen.

But you're like, no.

It's just, it's sad, really, that they try to make this happen.

Freddy, how old is Blake Lively?

Blake Lively.

That can't be right.

My brother in Christ, you wrote the sheet.

28.

He's 20.

Oh, he's a strapping young lady.

Strapping young lad.

Young lad.

Oh.

I was like, maybe Kelsey, but no, she's not going to make December this.

Hello, who the fuck are you?

What?

Where are you?

Who?

Yeah, he's the plumber.

Where are you hanging out with?

Hey.

Hello.

What are you doing?

How were you there?

Hi, Kelsey.

Hi.

How's the plumbing?

I mean, bad.

You did a bad job.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

I had to learn myself.

Whoa.

Hey, yeah, wait a second.

You came over to my house to fix the sink, and then the toilet was clogged afterward, and you said I did it.

Yes, they are not connected.

Did you guys fix the sink in the toilet?

We just get new ones.

You get new ones?

No, we fix it.

Well, I fix it now because Blake here never fixes it.

I did fix it.

Just because I remember it.

It's like Rasha Mongo.

You also kicked my dog on the way out.

I don't have a dog anymore.

Your hound bit my leg.

I didn't kick.

I tried to shake him off.

Yeah, and he did it so hard he died.

Oh, my God.

Okay,

a lot of elevated feelings.

What are you doing here?

What happened?

Why are you doing this?

I could say the same about you.

Oh, I was rescuing marbles here.

Marbles?

I was a little baby.

Hello.

This is Marbles.

I'm going to put my hand out, but like in a fist so it can't scratch my fingers.

I'm just going to let it sniff.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and do a marbles is only a traumatizing couple of weeks.

i'm not laying back that's okay well thanks for bringing us marbles

here to go seems like you have some unfinished business with the t-rex no no i was uh helping marbles was in the storm drain and then the storm drain opened into a jurassic world

wow

that doesn't sound as cool as a park that's insane

well okay so you asked us why we're here um

what are you doing here how long have you been in there weeks weeks weeks okay yeah so peachyville's a lot of stuff's been happening.

There's, I mean, I don't mean to throw your husband on the bus.

It's my good friend, Tony Collette, with you.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Well, he's not with us.

No, I mean, we lost track of him.

He's probably fine.

I haven't seen him in a while.

I haven't seen him in a while either.

He owes me money.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

And he's already paid the registration fee for the Guttural Screams Bowling League.

And he kicked my dog.

I don't know how to describe it.

Long story short, there's some sort of cold, and this whole town is now in trouble.

And we find three keys, one of which is down here.

The town is in trouble.

How?

Well, there's like big monsters.

There's ancient gods and stuff.

My husband, well, he's running it all, it seems.

And frankly, it's good to know that I wasn't the only one whose feelings he hurt.

Yeah.

Husband, what is your husband?

My husband is Tucker Trout.

Oh, Trout family.

Yes.

I've never seen your toilet.

And we're looking for a green key.

Was there a green key in there?

Green key?

Green key.

And dialogue my dialogue the green key is like red

it's like highlighted it's like highlighted in the jrpg dialogue ah green key well i saw one of them i think i suppose it depends

i suppose it depends on uh i guess that was green it was more of an aquamarine blue but never mind

we don't need it well what did you see what did you see well i saw uh Tucker.

Would I know who Tucker is?

Yeah, that's right.

I know him around town.

I feel like seeing her

refresh your memory.

You look exactly the same.

Oh, my God.

What a twist.

What a twist that you look like.

Oh, my gosh.

No,

that's not what's happening.

Okay.

Okay.

So you were saying you saw Tucker?

Ah, yes, Tucker.

In the dinosaur area.

He had a motorcycle.

And he brought it into the Jurassic world

and then

he had this green key.

That's the key we have.

Calm down, Kelsey.

Calm down.

You're proud to get the mouse.

Well,

we need three keys to save life.

I know, I know, I know, but just calm down.

But that means it's back there.

He buried it in the Jurassic world.

So we have to go back in there.

He buried it?

Yes.

What the fuck?

Wait, do you know where it is?

I know exactly where it is because I've marked the clearing with a death trap.

Oh, wow.

Can we get in without setting off the death trap?

As As long as you are not riding a motorcycle or very fast bicycle, a death trap, no problem.

Okay.

I have a question.

Yeah, yes.

Well,

if I'm, you know, like a kind of cyber kinetic, kind of robotic, kind of not all real, but some real problems.

Hey, what the fuck are you talking about?

She's a robot, but she's real.

What the fuck?

What are you just on T-Rex?

Calm down.

Yeah, well, I was wondering if that world that Blake was in is not all real either.

either, and maybe we can see it on the computer, like how it lights up the doors.

Maybe it's like an image that's been implanted in our minds or something.

I know I sound so silly now, but I'm wondering if it's not actually what we're seeing.

No, you're onto something.

It could also be a robot, T-Rex, which actually scares me a little bit more now that I think about it.

We should maybe explore the other hallways and behind a terminal.

You guys are pretty far out, man.

Everybody, give me a spot-hidden roll.

Here we go.

Fuck yeah, dude.

27

out of 20.

I didn't get it.

I failed.

I succeeded barely.

I got a 54 and I have 60.

I got a 13.

Wow.

So I got super success.

You got a super success.

Okay, so not super duper, unfortunately.

That's an 11, but I got super success.

Kelsey and Trudy, you both notice that the elevator is moving.

Oh,

it's going back up right now, almost as if someone has called it up there.

Oh, no.

I i want to pry open the elevator door okay uh what's going on what's going on here the elevator is moving up there's a way we can stop it from coming up you can use my bone spear well oh yeah we can also uh open up the door with the t-rex and let the t-rex loose on whoever comes in oh francis what they're not gonna be a good guy no no good that's that's a plus oh thank you

okay yeah that's a good idea let's push myself on the back let's get the door unlocked and then we'll wait for the elevator door to open and we'll open the door with a t-rex yeah why don't you guys get further down i have i'm really good at sneaking so I can do it and hide from the T-Rex so it doesn't see me and goes after the other guys.

Okay.

I also have a feeling that T-Rex vision is based on movement.

Really?

So the plan is.

I'm going to go to the door of the vault.

The others are going to go out of sight of the elevator and of that room.

Once I hear the ding, before they even open, I'm going to pull open the door and then run and hide in the same hallway that the others are.

How much time do we have?

The elevator goes down?

Well, we don't know.

Okay.

I mean, you know how much time.

It took like, you know, maybe 30 seconds for it to go down.

Yeah, that's enough time for you guys to get out of the way.

Well, okay, so for 30 seconds, I want anything that is around this hallway.

Like, if there's a little table, I just want to make much of a little corridor from the door, from the door to the elevator.

Like, the T-Rex is really focused.

Yeah, essentially, like, making like, you know, like those horsebinders, like, when the door opens,

the only thing the sinusaur is seeing is the elevator doors.

To the left and right is like some cabinets and stuff.

Like, it doesn't want to climb over that.

This is really more of an entryway, but we'll we'll say there's a trash can and then two plastic plants and an American flag.

Great.

I put those four things in a little like onto either side.

Line up the corridor.

Yeah, to make like a little corridor.

Perfect, Elsie.

Okay,

thanks, Francis.

There are two hallways shooting off of this corridor.

There's the door, and then there's two hallways.

Over one corridor, it says two laboratories.

Two hallways and two laboratories?

No.

What sort of building is this?

Two hallways and two laboratories.

I'm just messing with you, Will.

So one door says this way to laboratories.

The other says this way to main control room.

That's what the two sounds pretty much.

I guess I would say that.

So there's laboratories and what was the other one?

Laboratories is one way.

Master control room is the other.

Let's go to master control room.

Make sure you drape the flag across that way to cover our retreat.

Hey, are you in with us, Blake?

Yes, if you say the town is in danger, well, I love the town.

Just I've always known you ever since I taught you in third game.

You've been the most selfish kid I've ever known.

Is this coming from?

Only gay worries is coming.

It's about time you helped the town that you grew up in.

Is this coming from?

Are you sure you're not confusing it with a different Blake?

It could be.

I have taught a lot of kids over here.

Where's Blake Shelton?

Remember?

He's a piece of shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but don't say that because he got in that car accident.

Oh, he did.

Yeah.

He's the only one that survived his whole family.

Yeah, his family died.

He's an orphan man.

I'm just saying, Blake, that we're not only friends, we're a bowling team.

And you're not part of it.

Because that's Tony, right?

Is that what you're going to say?

I was just going to say that whether we roll a gutter ball or a strike, you're with us.

And that's the agreement.

That's the vow we make when we join the guttural screams.

I like that.

We do need a fourth player.

I'm not really that soft on you yet.

I don't trust you.

You could be anything, but I'll keep an eye on you.

I fixed your toilet.

No, you shat in my toilet and clocked it and blamed me.

And they kicked his dog.

And you kicked my dog.

How is toilet working now, though?

Well, fine, now that we called a different plumber.

What the fuck is this character exasination?

You've done it yourself.

You feel fear consequences of what you've done in the past.

I'm going to stand up in front of you.

We flash back.

You flash back

to

Blake Lively fixing the toilet.

How about he gets a roll?

You get your role.

You are at the Farnsworth house and you are fixing the upstairs toilet.

Yeah.

Give me a role on your plumbing skill.

Well, I'm a skilled tradesperson is my

thing.

Give me your role.

So I fixed it.

What is your skill?

I'm curious.

What did you put in plumbing?

Look, I'm just taking what Freddy put down.

Every glimpse that we've seen of Freddy, I've not gotten that says that he's a good plumber.

I'm somebody.

He seems very uncertain about like even just walking into a drain thing to get a cat.

All right, here's what I'll say.

I'll do mechanical repair.

Okay.

Which is a 35.

But he's very dexterous.

87.

Alright, so here's what happens.

Why are you kidding him in toilet?

You're supposed to lose and fix the sink.

Oh, I had to go.

I can't go in sink.

I have to go in toilet.

Don't worry, child.

And I flush it to one of the clocks immediately.

Oh, don't worry.

You gotta fix that now.

Well, I have two things.

This one is for free.

The sink is your fault.

The dog comes right to your feet.

What the fuck is this?

Get my dog!

As biting me, get it away!

I'm biting you!

As biting you!

The dog falls down the stairs and snaps its neck.

Do you have a second toilet downstairs that needs fixing?

No!

Leave!

Okay, well, I need to get my half up front back.

You can't say I need to get my half-up front back to my friend.

Mom, Darren, I'm taking it.

job

calm dad has something horrible to tell you

all right we got out of our flashback maybe we'll treat ourselves to one of those for episode for how he knows the other two of you um

so you've decided

all right so okay so you guys are hiding like in the corridor behind the American flag and the two potted plants.

Yes.

Francis is at the door.

Yes.

As the elevator is coming down, you hear the familiar voice of a little young girl saying, Mommy, mommy, are you down here?

I'm scared.

I'm lost.

It's the voice of Tiffany, your daughter.

Unleash.

No, don't, don't listen.

Tiffany's not real.

Mommy, where are you?

It's dark.

It's dark.

I don't know where I am.

I'm going down somewhere.

I'm scared.

I miss you.

Sounds like a trick.

Don't listen.

So the elevator.

Give a thumbs up to Francis.

Still a go.

Still a go.

Francis nods.

The elevator comes to a halt and D.

I open the door.

Okay.

Two things happen.

One, Francis opens the door.

And to be clear, I open the door in the following way.

Anthony has stood up.

And he's now opening the door.

He's walking over to the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

I'm going to take a picture for our Patreon of Anthony opening the door.

All right, I'm doing a little video.

We're rolling.

This is how Anthony is.

Give me a demonstration, Anthony.

Take it back, roll it back.

Beautiful.

There you go.

Okay.

And then imagine there's a T-Rex right there.

Yeah.

As Francis does that, a T-Rex head instantly juts through this massive door and roars and starts snapping its teeth.

As that

stay still, stay still, stay still.

I'm hiding now.

The elevator door opens, and emerging from the shadows, you hear the clickety clap of mechanical feet, and from the shadows emerges a massive spider-like robot with like no legs.

What the fuck?

T-Rex spider robot.

It fucking rules!

It has almost like a probiscus kind of poking out of it.

You see the face of your daughter, Tiffany, and she's looking out and her eyes are glowing red.

And she's still saying, Mommy, mommy, I'm scared.

I can't find you.

Mommy, where are you?

Two of her like spider feet are little kid hands, like she's split apart.

And then like two of it are like her legs, but they've still got like her little buckle shoes on them and her little white socks.

And then there's just a shredded dress grinding up in the gears of this horrible mini-legged arachnid-like robot as it comes comes out and it locks eyes with the T-Rex and it says, threat detected, engage.

And then it just launches at it and starts slashing at the T-Rex's eyes and it roars and thrashes around.

And now there's just, look,

there's this brutal melee going on between this T-Rex

and this robot spider girl.

And as that's going on, Francis, you now have a T-Rex spider battle to dodge your way out of, and you also have to hop over a potted plant and American flag if you want to get to your friends.

Okay.

What do you want me to roll?

We'll do it in two rolls.

First, you got to clear the T-Rex, and that's dexterity.

All right, my dexterity.

I rolled an 11, which is a super duper success.

Ooh, okay.

You need a super success for this one, so it's good.

You got a super duper success.

So as the two kaiju are fighting, I wait for a break in the action, specifically as the T-Rex, it like roars back with like one of its fists, like it's going to punch it, even though he's got those little stubby arms.

And his tail goes up, like it's a robotope.

He's going to like fake with the punch them at him with with his tail.

And as his tail goes up, I run underneath the tail towards the corridor that leads to the control room.

Give me one more dexterity to get over this botted plant.

That is a 30.

That is a normal success.

Okay,

it would have been funny if like you tripped there.

If I tripped him, they saw me.

Now, team, team question, our character.

Do we want to go master control or don't we know the key is in this place?

Do we want to go back where the T-Rex is?

Yeah, but like, you want to fight?

They're in front of the door.

They're occupying the room.

You don't have to roll hard all the time.

You should be rolling hard checks to get past them.

Kelsey, do you remember that little light-up thing that you saw?

There's other doors.

There are three other airlocks somewhere in this specific.

Oh, true, true.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Francis, run.

I am.

Run faster.

Faster, faster, faster.

Faster.

Must go faster.

Must go faster.

That's the quote.

Not just faster, faster.

Faster, faster, faster.

It's so funny that he says the same thing in Independence Day.

Yep.

All right.

Must go faster.

It's like how Tim Allen goes, oh, oh, oh, in the Santa Claus.

Sorry, what?

He does his Tim the Tool Man Taylor grunt noise in the Santa Claus, even though it it doesn't make any sense for that character.

So we run through the master control room.

You hear grinding gears and laser blasts and teeth gnashing.

You're heading down this dark, again, sort of like government corridor, for lack of a better term.

And as you run, you see sort of side doors leading to different sort of departments as you head down this hallway towards the control room.

And so you see a door marked power.

You see one marked sanitation.

Oh, I like this one.

You see a room called weather control.

You see a door that says motor pool slash chamber access and as you're running past all of these give me another spot hidden

i failed oh don't worry don't worry kelsey's here oh

i got a five nice

and my spot hidden is 60.

nothing escapes the wily eye of truthy trout yeah 13.

Sick.

So this is normal super

normal sex, normal success.

Normal sex.

Normal success.

Normal sex.

Normal PNP.

That's not, I don't want to say that that's normal.

It's just, that's a little heterogeneous.

There's no nothing normal about it.

It's weird.

It's weird.

It's weird.

You can put your thing and that thing.

Weird.

Here's all I'm saying.

What's that line in the stars?

You came in that thing?

Putting the thing in the thing.

I get it.

Nature.

It's the like, not enough.

You got to wiggle around.

You got to wiggle around for a bit.

That's the weird part.

That's the weird part.

Are you wiggling?

You know, there's just like, there's all manner of gyrations.

I'm just saying, like, there's plenty of stuff where it's like, you see the hummingbird, the thing comes out, and they get the nectar.

They don't put the thing out, and then they'll go,

have you ever watched animals have sex?

They're moving.

They don't just sit there.

I know.

It moves so fast you actually can't tell that it's coming.

You tell them it's pumping that fucking stamen, dude.

It's wrapping its crobiscus around that stamen and pumping it dry.

Pumping it like those oil derricks on La Cienega.

Oh, man.

Corrupting up and down, sucking it dry out of the earth.

What a shame.

The animal kingdom is kinky, dude.

Okay.

We got a spot hidden.

Trudy did very well.

So did I.

I did well too.

You did well too.

So, Matt,

Kelsey, and Trudy notice, and I'll say the thing that Trudy notices, Kelsey and Trudy noticed muddy footprints coming out of the door for motor pool/slash chamber access and heading towards the climate control center.

So even though I didn't see the hidden stuff, I see chamber access.

And I'm like, oh, if we have to close the other doors, maybe we can do it from chamber access.

trudy with her super duper gooper duper success uh notices two things and then she notices that the chamber door appears to be unlocked unlike the other doors or the door to motor pool chamber access she also notices based on the tread size and the amount of time she's had to fucking clean up after Tucker's muddy footprints after he's come in from a fucking basement the basement or a fishing trip or whatever like these are Tucker tracks

gosh and they're headed straight for the control center their control center is is different from chamber access.

Francis, control center is different than chamber access.

How stupid of me.

Yeah, let's go to control center.

But chamber access is the only one that's open.

Is the control room open?

So you see.

Chamber access is kind of redundant, right?

If you go into a room that is the chamber.

Yeah, you access the door.

That's where the door is.

It's like a room called room and it's just the door.

It's just the door.

Hey, look at this.

I opened the door.

It's just a door.

Weird.

It's just an example of how to get into chambers.

That's helpful, I guess.

Ah, it's a good illustration.

Ah, look, the same door across all of these doors.

Oh, well, now I know how to use that.

That's great.

I want to die.

The control center.

Let's call it.

Master control.

Master control.

We're going to the master control.

The master control room.

Let's say that.

The master control room, you have yet to see a door for it.

It's around this.

You're essentially like running in this

wide curving hallway, and it's still around the corner.

Let's keep running.

Do we want to follow the boots?

Do you want to say that they're Tucker boots?

Are you keeping that to yourself?

I will say yes.

These are Tucker boots, so be careful.

Oh, that makes sense because I think I saw him earlier.

Oh, shit.

Well, let's go kill him.

Let's go to the fucking motor pool chamber access.

I want to see that door, too.

They sell doors here.

So many fucking doors.

The muddy footprints are leading away from the motor pool to master control.

That makes sense.

Let's keep going.

We're going that way.

We have not altered our plans.

This is podcasting.

I would like to open the chamber access to get into the master control room.

I'm sorry.

I did a bad job naming the rooms, okay?

I had to come up with like seven rooms and two of them have names and sounds.

But Kelsey, you don't know how to open that door.

You've never been to Chamber.

You've never been to Chamber.

Kelsey, practice on this other door.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm the GM.

Shut up.

This is my show.

Respect me.

Well, but I would like to say that when you, you know, as we're riding them, it's like, ah, it makes sense.

He was riding motorcycle.

I think this is Tucker.

Tucker footprints.

Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Why he said footprints?

He was riding a motorcycle.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Where'd the motorcycle go?

Well, because it's probably in the motor pool.

Oh, like he parked it there in the middle.

You know what?

Yes, he parked it underwater in the motor pool.

We were giving Blake Lively a hard time, but with some

thinking like that, I think he's going to find a good spot in this group.

He's going to fill a much-needed niche.

Hey, we want to go into the chamber.

We want to go to the master control.

You round the corner, you see a doorway marked master control.

It's wide open

as you run towards the door.

It slams shut dramatically in your face.

Shasham!

Scripted event.

And then on the other side of the door, you see Tucker Trout.

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How do we see through the door?

We should have got a chamber access.

I told you.

We know how to get around these doors.

The door has like a thick plastic.

It's got like one of those like fucking, you know, little portals.

We understand.

You don't have to fucking tell Freddie how he can see it through.

He has a window or something.

I want to paint the picture.

Tucker Trout's looking at you.

So you see Tucker Trout on the other side.

Oh, start blasting.

But that door is certainly bulletproof.

Only one way to find out.

Yeah, you know what?

Fair enough.

Bam!

It's bulletproof.

You're down.

How many bullets do you have left?

You never made me count, so I'm saying infinite.

No.

I feel like you would have bought, like, how many bullets are in a case of ammo

at literally no point did you request that I try

box of ammo

with bump stock.

That's a thing, right?

No, but you can have a little box of bullets with them.

Okay, it takes 15 rounds.

I feel like your parents got you a box of ammunition, too.

I feel like that, yeah.

Okay, let me see.

Let me see.

How much is in a box of ammo?

15.

No, no, no.

That's a clip.

That's a clip.

No, no, no.

There's five in the clip.

Oh, so the box only has 15 bullets.

Yeah, it's not.

Oh, okay.

Damn.

All right.

This is the size of the box.

Wow.

So we'll see.

We'll be nice and see you got 10 bullets left.

Great.

Okay.

Tucker waves at you.

Hi, honey.

Why don't you open the door?

I just want to talk.

No, I'm home after all.

I don't think I will.

I think,

Trudy, I feel like I want to say this to one of you at least.

So let me say it to you.

Of course, honey.

I want a divorce.

Oh.

I think this is over.

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried.

When we met, we had this spark and I saw you both as the woman you are, but just the woman you could be.

And that kiss in the bathroom.

I'll never forget it.

This is very, you can't fire me.

I quit energy.

And I just, I just want one of you at least to know that I'm moving on.

I'm not going to be making any more Trudies.

You're the last Trudy.

You're on.

Or whatever.

I'm moving on.

And I just want you to know that because I've learned a lot.

And I just think there's some part of you that is just never going to be good enough.

It always turns into this with us.

It always turns into some absurd spectacle where you make a big scene and then I get embarrassed and I have to fix everything and I'm tired of it.

But I'm going to take what I've learned and I'm going to use it to help our son.

Of course, honey.

And I

was wondering if you think that you will be able to find love again.

You know, seeing as you haven't found it the first time.

Seeing as you tried to assemble somebody that could love you by taking who I was and tearing her into pieces.

Get him, get him.

And then I never loved you.

And I wonder what that must have felt like to be trapped.

But then I realized I was the one who was trapped, wasn't I?

And

I'm just wondering if you will find anybody to love that damp, puffy virgin face of yours because I don't think anybody ever will.

Damn, and you are not getting our son.

I'm going to make something right.

Well, we'll see about that.

You know, it's always like this.

You always.

No.

You always distracting us.

He's wasting our time.

You're distracting us.

You're always acting like, well, I don't want to say the word.

I'm a gentleman, so I'm not going to say it, but I think we know what it means.

And I think we know what it is.

Are you going to open the door?

I'm not going to open the door.

Guys, what do you want to do now?

Let's go back to the room.

The shape room.

I failed this room.

I failed you.

Okay.

I failed you, Trudy.

Yeah, we're leaving.

But I'm not going to fail what

Timmy.

And I fixed the weakness that you brought into him.

What are you going to do?

What are you fucking with you?

No, you were V1.

You were version one.

And once you're in the scrap heap, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to find our son, and he's going to be version two.

And, you know, I just think maybe he's got more potential.

He's got more of me in him.

He's got this soft side.

He's got this weakness that I think he got from you.

But I've gotten so close with you.

With him, I think I can really take it all the way.

I think that he's going to be perfect.

And I think once I get- Tucker, please.

Please what?

Please not Timmy.

Please just.

You could.

You don't even have to.

You could take him to somewhere else where he will just have a family and a whole lot of people.

Timmy is my family.

You asked me if I have love.

I love him.

I loved you, Trudy.

You know what that means.

I do.

I loved you.

I wanted to have the perfect family and you kept fucking it up.

We tried and I tried again and again and again and again and again and it just didn't work.

It just wasn't good enough.

Maybe you're the one who's crazy, huh?

Well, I'm the genius who's sitting here in the most incredible environment ever built.

This is all thanks to me.

I'm the smart one.

You're just who you are.

And I thought I could help you.

I thought I could fix it, but I can't.

But I love our son just as much as I loved you.

No, you never, you clearly never loved me.

Not the real me.

And now I have other people for that.

You're not kidding, Timmy.

And I think you're distracting us.

So I'm going to walk away.

Let's go, Trudy.

Hi, bitch.

We're going to go save Timmy.

Come on.

As we're walking away.

Oh, wow.

You guys have some heavy shit going on.

I know you were right.

It is.

It's a whole thing.

Sometimes it just feels like it just consumes me.

You were right about one thing, honey.

He's going to try to sing her ears.

Close your head.

Close your ears.

As he says that, rounding the corner, you see your daughter.

She's covered in T-Rex gore and viscera, looking a little worse for wearing a war.

It wasn't a robot anything.

I didn't think that the spider robot would win against a T-Rex.

And its jaw is broken, and it's still trying to say,

so weird.

And then it starts charging it.

You want to shoot this?

Yeah, I guess I might as well.

Francis, take aim.

Yes, I will.

Are there doors to left or right?

Like, are there a door?

No, there

the chamber access?

Are we right next to the chamber access?

Yeah.

Yes, it's right betwixt the two of you.

You hip to the fact that Tucker was distracting you, so I will say that you have not gotten fully ambushed.

This thing is still down the hallway.

Great.

Yes, while Francis takes aim, I run to the closest door, which is the chamber access.

Okay, so I got a 44, and my firearms is 38, so I'm going to spend six luck.

Okay.

2d6 plus 4.

That is 13 damage.

Tiffany takes this bullet straight to like her carapace, and you see the bullet manages to find a weak point in her armor and it slides straight in.

You hear this sparking noise and she groans in agony.

She's just kind of like.

Wow, good shots, kid.

Thanks.

It's from my mental issues.

Okay.

You hip to the fact that you are being distracted.

You have a surprise round on this thing.

So why don't you all make a move?

What are you guys trying to do?

You can get to the door, the chamber access will maintenance door or whatever.

Kill me.

You can try to fight this thing if you want to hold it off.

I want to run into the door.

I want to try to open the door and tell her ready to run in.

Yeah, I want to run towards the door.

You guys all make it to the door.

Francis, you are behind because you used your turn to take a shot at this thing.

Okay.

And it is going to take its turn and it is going to take a shot at Francis.

With what?

It's web shooters.

Are they organic or are they a machine, though?

They better be organic.

The bottom part of her jaw extends and then because it's kind of busted, it just kind of falls off.

Good.

And then almost like a megaphone-looking apparatus kind of just pokes out of her skull and aims right at you, Francis.

A blunderbuss.

It just kind of like rears back and unleashes this ear-splitting sonic scream straight at you, like a little kid just stepped on a Lego times 10,000.

Um, Francis, what's your constitution?

My constitution is 25.

How this spell works is that you burn a magic point.

It's a spell, but it's, you know, it's a high-tech thing for this.

Uh, so we'll call it like it's a power point, like it's coming from her lithium.

PowerPoint?

It's a power point.

I'll showing me slides.

Look at these transitions.

She uses five power slides.

Dissolve transitions between six slides.

She dissolved transitions between six slides.

Each one of those does 2d10 strength worth of force.

So I'm going to go ahead and roll for her.

So she got a 53.

Give me a constitution roll.

Ooh.

My constitution is a 25 and I rolled a 23.

I'm going to roll against that 53 I got for the spell's strength.

Okay, so I rolled a 23 out of 53.

Her super success beats your regular success and you get knocked the fuck out.

Oh, no.

Not only that, the sonic blast knocks you clean off your feet.

You go sliding down the hallway and your unconscious body slides up to that door of the central control room.

That was its turn.

It is all of your turn again.

You're all at the door.

Okay, but he's got hit back.

Your poor little sweet baby boy is back down at the end of the hallway.

And Tiffany has not moved yet.

She had to rear herself up to fire that blast.

Tiffany's like really focused on Trudy, right?

Presumably, one would assume.

She just kind of took out the main threat.

So yes, that's the next thing you see is you see her eyes fall onto you, Trudy.

It's a little flattering to be the main threat.

Blake, you're up first.

You have 75.

Oh, hey, is this kid friend of ours?

Yes.

Yeah, he's a friend of us.

Well, he was just, his dog did not like me and his toilet did not agree with me.

I don't judge people by whether or not their dogs like me or not.

He's a kid.

He doesn't need to be a friend.

You're a grown man.

Take care of the kid.

He's our friend.

He's a good person.

Okay, well, give him a person.

He's a person.

So we got to take care of him.

Okay, then give me covering fire.

This is just like.

You see, the gun is lying on the ground where Francis got knocked out.

I will give you covering fire.

This is just like when I fought in World War II.

I've heard that before.

All right, Blake is going to run to

the slide to pick up the gun and return fire with it.

No, Kelsey is impressed.

She's like, fine, finding somebody who's going to do something.

Even if you had to get it qualified first,

use free action to run over there and pick up the gun.

What's your firearm skill?

25.

Scarry, give me a roll.

Let's see if he hits it.

11.

Oh, wow.

Super success.

Special boy.

Super success.

Super success.

And I will say, because Blake Liley did fight in World War II, he knows perfectly the operation of a Car 98.

Well, okay, sure.

Was he fighting for the other side?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

He picked up one.

He picked up one on the dead corpse of a Nazi.

He knows, for example, it's a bolt-action rifle.

It's not like the American one that went ping when it was done.

Yeah, that's such a satisfying noise, though.

2d6 plus 4.

That would be 12 damage.

Okay.

Describe to me where you shoot it.

I think I'm going for center of mass.

Okay, center of mass.

That's how I got lucky with it.

Yeah, your eye is sort of drawn to where she's already sparking.

And you manage to blast another shot straight through like a little tatter of the little Sunday dress she was wearing back when she was like a six-year-old girl.

And it pierces through.

Six-year-old robot.

Six-year-old robot.

Blam!

Like, another big chunk comes out of this thing.

She's sputtering and writhing like there's oil leaking out of her chassis right now.

And she's like kind of like staggering on her legs.

Quick, grab the kid.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

Yeah, I'll go grab Francis.

We make a great team, Kelsey.

Yeah, you're better at shooting six-year-old girls than you are at fixing my toilet.

Everyone is holding.

Like, how bad was this toilet scenario?

Like, how bad was it?

If Francis was awake, he'd be like, what?

Did you imagine that thing was my dog?

Can we flash back to the Kelsey toilet scenario?

Sure.

All right.

Ding-dong.

Hello.

Hi, okay.

He's just right there in the back.

Oh, wait, where?

I'm working on my encyclopedia.

Oh, I'm not plagiarizing it this time.

Ah, which way?

Oh, in the back of the house.

What do you mean?

Just go in the back of the house.

Lady, you're very confrontational.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

My previous job, it got clogged up and I had to kick a dog.

Okay.

I'm going to watch you do the job after you just said that.

Okay, yeah.

I go and look at the toilet and I flush it.

Yeah, it doesn't work.

That's why I called you.

But what's happening?

Oh, it starts backing up more.

It's like, oh, it's just, look, you're going to get water all over my back.

Do you have a plunger?

I have one.

This is fucking riveting, eh?

I plunge it.

And here's what happens.

no, no, no.

Do you just want to roll it down?

All right, so I want to plunge it.

16 mechanical roll.

That's a super success on my mechanical repair.

Okay, you effortlessly unclog it.

You unclog it.

Oh, and you know what it is?

I unclog.

It's papers.

It's papers.

You tried to flush down the toilet.

Apples?

Okay, well, you did a great job.

Here's your buddy.

Yep, that's just my toilet paper.

It's a theme toilet paper.

Don't tell anybody what you're talking about.

Okay.

And as I turn around, like the wrench.

Is it actually apple?

like A for apples, is that?

Yeah, like encyclopedia.

Oh, it's a clogged

with encyclopedia page.

Yeah, yeah, and then as I turn around with the big heavy wrench on my belt, it just spins around and explodes your toilet.

Oh, shit, I did break it.

Yeah, okay, but I did fix it.

That's for sure.

Yeah, hey, lady, you still owe me.

I fixed your toilet.

But then you broke it.

I was going to remember you were good at your job.

That was going to be like a way we could bond, but no, you broke it.

So I think the T-Rex, still alive but badly made, starts stumbling down the hallway.

What would you like to do?

Well, I'm grabbing.

The flashback.

Hey, hey, the flashback did not interrupt my action.

I was running towards Francis.

I didn't stop mid running towards Francis to remember this moment.

I'm going to drag Francis by the feet and run back to the door.

All right, you're back to the door.

Trudy, what are you doing?

I am going to take a look at Tiffany and see if there are any like weaknesses other than the damage that has already been done.

Like if there's like a kill switch on her or something like that.

Oh, okay, that's sick.

You don't need to to roll for that.

You see, it could only be the mechanical version of her heart.

Her sort of chassis has been blown away and exposed enough that she's got this like pumping mechanism that seems to be pushing oil and, like, it's a sort of a power generator and it's wide open.

Are there like wires or anything like that?

Yeah, it's like hooked up to wires.

It's like the central thing that seems to be keeping her alive.

I am going to pick up marbles and walk towards Tiffany.

Hey, oh, hey.

All right, marbles does claw deep into your hand.

That's fine.

Okay.

She's a robot.

I'm going to roll charm.

Okay.

I'm going to say to Tiffany, dearest daughter, I got you something that you would just love

the sweetest thing to hold and cuddle, and he'll be yours, all yours.

You should hold the cat like in Jurassic Park when he's got the hair.

You see her eyes soften as she looks at this cat.

All right, I'm going to roll,

throw the cat at the T-Rex.

Start the fight again.

Okay, I succeeded.

My charm is 55 and I got a 27.

Great.

I am going to thrust marbles towards that hole in her where the wires are and see if he bites down on the wires.

You goose the cat a little bit.

Yeah, pull a piece of fur out of his tail and

absolutely.

Yeah, the cat hisses and just starts scratching and biting at the inside of this thing.

I'm going to use the, they don't have a cat, but they do have a rat, which for a kitten seems like the closest size.

Big rat.

Just multiply everything by 1.25.

Okay.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Marbles got a super success on his attack.

So he's going to go ahead and roll some damage.

1d3.

Okay, got a three, thank God.

Minus two, which is exactly how much health this thing had left.

Oh, yeah.

So with a little kitten claw, Marbles the cat slashes at the beating heart of your erstwhile robot daughter.

It just knocks like a screw loose, like the sort of pumping mechanism splashes open, and it's just spraying fluid everywhere.

Marbles gets some oil on his face.

He's like, No!

I will say Marbles will remember this.

It does not like you.

Okay, I especially does not like Trudy.

I'm actually going to neglect Francis's wounds, even though I have very high medicine and first aid and dedicate the rest of my entire life.

Is that something Trudy would do or something Beth would do?

I don't, I don't know.

I will never forgive you.

Cats don't forgive.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think Marbles will forgive me.

So Marbles is hissing and scratching and clawing at you.

Marbles is actually going to get another attack on Trudy.

Marbles got a 19.

So another success.

Marbles is going to hit you for another three.

So yeah, you take one damage from Marbles.

All right.

Hey, lady, give me my cat back.

I'm so sorry.

I just needed to defeat my daughter, my robot daughter.

And I'm so sorry, Marbles.

I just, I can't tell you enough how sorry I am.

As you were apologizing to the cat, Tiffany crumples over.

The light goes out from her eyes as this hideous robo body just collapses onto the floor.

You see the T-Rex roaring in rage behind it

as it thunders off, pissed that his quarry has been killed and sort of stomps off back down the hallways of this facility, I guess.

As the light leaves Tiffany's eyes, Trudy prepares herself to feel like grief and for like an immense like loss, but it doesn't come quite yet.

And she's shocked because she doesn't feel really anything.

So you guys are going into finally the chamber access.

You make your way down basically a little short flight of stairs.

Sure enough, there's the motor pool here.

Trudy, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm worried about Francis, and I'm worried about marbles as well.

To be quite honest.

Francis is okay.

Cats get by.

Are you worried about Marbles?

Are you worried that Marbles doesn't like you?

Well,

it would just be kind of unacceptable to me if Marbles did like me.

I'm sure Marbles likes you.

You see, give me a spot hidden roll.

Only Trudy.

23, and that's a success.

You see Marbles' two glowing eyes glowing back at you behind the fucking pterodactyl skull, and this cat does not like you.

Oh, no.

Can I smack Francis awake?

Huh?

Can I smack Francis awake?

Sure.

Okay.

I think he just got knocked out.

It didn't do any damage.

I can roll first aid on him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We all roll first aid.

I want to roll first aid.

Give me a first aid roll, Trudy.

Oh, fuck.

I failed by two.

Maybe I'll be right back.

You're hurting him.

You're hurting him, Trudy.

I'm going to push.

I'm going to push my roll.

If you mess up, you can just spend two luck.

Oh, well, let me see.

No, don't spend luck on Francis.

Let me see how much luck I have.

Push it.

Or just let, or I'll try it.

All right.

I'm going to roll one more time.

I'm going to push my roll.

What did you do?

Francis is not going to like me either.

Why didn't you just spend luck?

Or just let me do it.

I got a 67.

Okay, so you tried to give Francis CPR and you cracked one of his ribs.

So we'll write down that Francis has a cracked rib.

But that wakes him up, right?

Does it wake him up?

Yeah.

Yes, it wakes him up.

The sheer excruciating pain of his cracked rib wakes him up francis you wake up from a dream that happens when you do cpr correctly it's true truth it can also happen when you do it wrong truly truly truly he sustained these injuries from the blast oh yes the blast so the line

i'm just trying to help you guys out jesus steam cohesion francis has a cracked rib go ahead and lie to francis and we'll see if you succeed in lying to him francis you got your cracked rib try not to laugh because you got your cracked rib having a blast.

Give me.

Yeah, let's do persuade.

I can roll against with psychology.

Yes, you roll against it with your psychology.

Oof, I rolled very badly.

A 95 out of 80.

Well, I rolled very badly, so I didn't succeed at all.

So you failed, but Trudy also failed?

I failed.

My persuade is 30, and I got an 82.

Okay, so you failed more than he failed.

So he knows that you're lying lying when you see this.

He doesn't know what happened.

I will say this because you don't know what happened, but you know Trudy is not telling you the truth.

Trudy, why are you lying to me?

I thought you were the only adult I could trust because you're a robot and you can't lie.

Because I broke your rib.

I was trying to help you.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

All you had to do was tell me that.

I appreciate that you were trying to help me.

Well, I didn't want you to be mad at me because I would have been mad.

It was an accident.

Now I'm mad because you're another adult and I'm not.

And my rumors are mad at me.

But sometimes we just lie because we're scared too, even though we're adults.

You're adults.

You should be better than that.

I know.

Here's your gun back, kid.

I took a shot and landed it.

Oh, and that's the truth?

He's telling the truth.

Cool.

That's what the real adult looks like.

Thank you.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm just looking after this guy now.

He's my new role model.

He kicked your dog.

Are you telling the truth?

Francis, son, take it slow.

You don't remember everything yet.

All right.

You see all these jeeps.

You see a door of this, like a much bigger version of this vault door.

Oh, and it says, Welcome to Jurassic Park.

It says, Welcome to Stasis Chamber on it.

You see that the other lights are closed.

Stasis chamber.

You mentioned that earlier on the thing.

So this is the thing that opens it when we close all the other doors.

You see three lights for all three of the big vaulty doors that open the chamber.

They're all closed now.

Oh, they are.

Yes.

Somebody else did it?

One would presume this flapping T-Rex tail slammed the door shut.

Lucky yes.

The door is closed.

It could be Tucker, but I'm betting the T-Rex's tail, it was waggling quite a bit.

It probably hit the door.

It probably used its tail to click.

You realize how implausible that is?

You're writing an encyclopedia, lady.

I'm trying.

Whatever, let's go inside this chamber.

With a Jeep.

Let's get this butter.

Let's load up onto this Jeep and get in there.

I'll show you where the clearing was, where the key.

Okay.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Load up with a Jeep.

Who's driving?

Let's Cal.

Oh, what, Trudy?

You want to drive?

i just think that i could oh wait the way you said that sounds like you have you never

have you never driven before well i've driven oh my gosh now's the time you're driving then i okay yes and yes you're good you can do anything you put your mind to let's do it was she a former race car driver yes but no there's truth oh no but they've erased that from her as you sit down in the front seat A sensation comes back to you, and it's the love of the rumble of an engine and the acceleration of a car.

And somehow, you're even though you don't remember driving, your body seems to know how to turn on the engine, start the clutch, and get this baby in gear.

And you roll forward, and I assume one of you opens the door to let the Jeep in.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.

We got to open the door for us.

I get out.

I open the door and I get back in the Jeep.

Okay, as you open the door, this tableau once again slides in front of you.

But instead of seeing

a lush tropical canopy, and instead of seeing this dense, wild jungle that you saw before you see traces of civilization You see the jungle has been hacked back.

You see roads.

What you see Huts in the distance and the rise of smoke in the air.

Oh my god, it's a fast time room.

And then as you roll

one and we're in the fast one.

Oh god, don't make me think that as you roll the jeep in.

We look around.

Make sure there's no like, you know, people with weapons.

You don't see anybody yet.

Lady, do you see anything hidden?

Nope, nope.

I think we're good.

Drive slowly and I'll walk in front of the Jeep.

Walk.

Okay, I'll get in the Jeep.

Okay.

She does have the demon inside her.

What?

No.

No.

Oh, yeah.

That's probably something you should know, dog kicker.

What's that?

This one has a demon inside of her.

So if she goes, if she goes humbledy, you know.

And Francis puts a finger gun to his head.

Kelsey's worried about that.

As you go in, yeah, you see, like, this seems to be the same environment, but it looks completely different.

This is crazy.

I spent three weeks in here.

You You did this in three weeks?

No.

I did none of this.

Wait, wait.

I was building a monument for pooping.

I had a pond, you see.

Monument?

Yes.

For pooping?

Big, big toilet.

Do you mean a monument to pooping, or you mean a monument that you then are going to poop both?

Well, let's see it.

Let's see it.

Yes, I'd like to drive.

It's kind of where it is.

I'd like to drive it or not.

Wait, wait.

Anyway, really quick.

This is not Zuzel speaking.

This is Kelsey.

That sounds really funny, but I know you think maybe we should drive to the key.

We should drive to where the you say you knew where the green key was.

Oh, very convenient.

It's right next to my poop pond.

Well, there we go.

We're all happy on this road trip.

That's great.

Okay, as you drive through this strange countryside, you crest this hill and you see two things.

One, you see that your poop pond has just like blossomed into like a rancid, horrible swamp.

It's just, you know, just from the stench that like this could only be what has grown out of this Pupan, a dense lush, just like it's the one still untamed, dark part of this world that hasn't been, you know, broken by civilization yet.

And then you see where you saw originally this capsule being buried, you see a temple.

And you see priests in robes and you see a crowd of people watching as a high priest ascends a set of stairs.

And at the top of the steps, there's a massive sculpture of this huge green key.

And he lights a torch and lights a big bonfire beneath it.

This is some sort of ceremony honoring this key, this strange artifact.

And as he lights up the key, he's higher up now, and his eye can kind of catch your sight line at the top of the hill.

And he looks horror-struck at you.

And then he calls out to the crowd below.

And he says, Outlanders!

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

We've tabulated the votes, and after 5,960 responses with 54.5% of the votes, the winner is Walter and the Dads.

Yay!

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Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is RDM, Beth May as Truy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Blake Lively.

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And our next episode is December 3rd.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the star.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I'll stay

today

All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

I skipped firearms 113.

Skip firearms 111 I'll never see it never fucking fucking will.

I never fucking will.