S3 Ep. 14 - The Bigfoot Contessa

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the description.

For a plumber like my rubber, like you drive, he's much better than the other ones you've tried.

So if you need a drain of cargo some more to kill your dog rival coming soon your cocktails what's your doubt

Good evening, I am Blake Lively of lively plumbing Many of you know me for many years I have fixed toilets and sinks and pipes in this wonderful town of Peachyville But starting today for an extra fee I will also rescue your pets from the sewer or humanely euthanize your dog a new service I offer after it happened by accident on my last job.

Just listen to all of these satisfied customers.

You killed my dog.

Stop asking for a testimonial.

Kelsey here to say that Blake is the best plumber in Peachyville.

He's fast and professional and discreet.

Whatever you flush down your toilet in a frenzy of guilt and shame will stay between you, him, and the God Almighty, I hope.

When you go through toilets like my family does, those daily visits from the plumber add up quick.

That's why my husband tells me to call Blake Lively.

Because at Lively Plumbing, every tenth toilet you install is free.

So call Lively Plumbing today and ask for me, Blake Lively.

No job too big, no dog too small.

Blake Lively does it all.

So if you need a drain on Tog or someone to kill your dog.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.

Not a BDSM podcast.

You moron.

It's a fucking.

That was me.

No, you're right.

Hey, listen.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks so much for listening.

We just want to say we're sorry.

Do you think us saying we're not a BDSM podcast is like the way Pringles can't say their potato chips?

Like BDSM came out and said, hey, you guys can't say it.

Hey, yeah.

We are a BDSM-flavored snack product.

Yes.

This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast psych this season.

We're playing Call of Cthulhu.

Did the government decide that?

That we're playing Call of Cthulhu.

The Pringles thing.

Like, who said they couldn't?

That's true.

I'm just saying, no, I don't think they ever felt boxed in by that need.

Pringles isn't into labels, dude.

Yeah.

They're into tubes.

This is the Peachyville horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos finally fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

My name is Freddie Wong, and I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively.

Now, some degree of

controversy, let's say, around Blake Lively's accent, which I'm settling into, like all good.

Blake traces a little bit of Nordic roots, which is where his, you know, sort of Midwestern-y sort of thing comes from.

Ah, yes.

Ah, yes.

Yeah.

Which is also why his favorite food is potatoes.

Well, you already said it potatoes.

That was your life.

That was like two facts ago.

That was like two facts ago.

Yeah.

Are you recycling facts?

I want some more.

Give me more

favorite food.

What's your favorite drink?

What's that super stinky fish?

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, that's the strumala.

The fermented fish.

The fermented fish is super gross.

You give them little chunks, and it's only weird Scandinavian people like it.

Sewer strumming.

Yeah, I'm thinking of something else.

Sewer strumming.

And you know what they say?

Once you pop, the fun don't stop.

Blake Lively loves leaning back, getting a big old baked potato, and then instead of bacon bits, sewer strumming bits.

Blake Lively's single.

There we go.

There we go.

Now it's all looking for love and it's all in the wrong place.

Now it's all locking into place for Blake.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest, snappiest school marm.

And you know what she always says?

Learning is a lot like love.

They both start with the letter L.

And if I don't have it, I feel dead inside.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Wow.

She always says it.

All the time.

She always says.

Dang, dude.

She's got to have it.

Learning, that is.

Learning.

A little known fact about Kelsey.

I thought I would continue kind of exploring her relationship with.

No, that's not true.

It's not exploring her relationship with Blake.

She doesn't care about Blake.

Way.

Just stick it in the plumbing sort of category.

Just stick it in the plumbing, huh?

Yeah.

Saw what you said last night.

I want Get the the adventure.

I want to fight.

I want to kill Cthulhu, which is I believe that's our ultimate plan.

I want to stick it in the plumbing.

I want to get these three keys so we can kill Cthulhu, okay?

So I don't think that's what I'm saying.

That's how it's fighting.

Simple fact.

Just let him come.

Kelsey spends as little time in the bathroom as possible.

She's the opposite of that shit.

It's like

as little, like you would think she'd be a reader in there, but like, no, she wants to be at her desk.

Like, she gets in and out.

Like, dude.

She waits till, like, she doesn't go in until she knows it's ready to go.

Like, all the way.

Like, bam.

Like, that's how she wants it it to go she doesn't want to work on it in there like she's got too much to do outside so she she whistles ready to fucking fire

torpedoes ready to launch

it

detonated on the screen gets back to work so if she's so

so if she's ever in there for more than like 30 seconds you know like something you know she's like something's wrong like she's sick like something's wrong she's in and out it sounds like she's broken the seat from just like the impact of leaping onto an ass ass.

Dude, did she get a hand wash in there?

Like this maljo or gymnast off the pole vault or whatever.

Just like.

Did she get a hand wash in there?

No, 30 seconds.

She's supposed to wash her hands.

Yeah, she washes her hands.

Yeah, but I mean,

I just, I just

close enough that she washes her hands while she's on the toilet.

So she's

in her hand.

The boy is just washing your hands after.

She's got a whole system and she flushes it with her elbow

and then her hands are already washed.

Kelsey.

She's ready to go.

Will, can you please, please make sure at some point that we find the bathroom that can be done.

She's gotten the bathroom like 10 times on the show.

She just never knows because she goes so fast.

She's just there and back.

Blake is so impressed by that.

Hi, I'm Anthony Appley.

Francis Farnsworth, kid with a gun.

And my teaching fact is Francis is the opposite.

He loves to spend too much time in the bathroom.

There it is.

He sits there.

He takes the dump.

He does a courtesy flush, obviously, to get rid of the dump, but then he'll stay there for just hours reading his favorite serial comic books and just thinking about things.

That's a courtesy dump if you're in there.

Is it just a courtesy to yourself?

Like if you're at school.

Hey, it's called Be Kind to Yourself, Matt.

Yeah, that's true.

If you're in a public place, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, and love yourself.

You don't need to smell that.

Yeah, but now I have a question about the courtesy flush.

Yeah, wait, I heard courtesy dump, and I don't think that's like

courtesy dump.

I meant to say courtesy flush.

I'm sorry.

That's like not a thing.

No, it's definitely a thing.

It's just not a thing for Francis.

And it's also not very courteous.

A question about the courtesy flush.

Doesn't that also give like a false sense of like, hey, I'm almost done in here?

Who cares?

I was fine.

I always thought the courtesy, I always thought the courtesy was to the toilet.

Like, yo, yo, like, I still like, like, you can only handle so much.

There's so many risk of clogging.

There's still more to go.

Like, let me just get you.

Let me just, like,

sometimes they've been so bad that I have to like pinch halfway through and be like, I got to get rid of this one first.

This is like going to take the whole thing at once.

No.

Sometimes to complete an objective is good to set up like smaller goals.

So, like, you flush the toilet.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

The Kanban method.

No, my courtesy flush is like a now you see me magic trick.

It's like you didn't smell anything.

I thought the courtesy flush was like you.

Like if you're

like if you're other people that can hear, you flush and then you try to do like all the noisy part.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I can't believe we all have a lot of fun.

The secret is, if you don't want to make noise, just put down some toilet paper in the the water bottle.

But that's not the part that's making the impact isn't the part that's making your impact.

Wait, what's making the noise?

You're fucking your butt.

The butt?

Your butt is sound.

You're not going to have your cheeks, dawg.

I don't fart when I poop.

You don't fart?

Do you know?

What?

Is that not usual?

What?

I literally have, I don't think I've ever farted when I poop.

What?

I'm converting to veganism.

I'm converting.

Holy shit.

I'm a vegan from the vegan now.

Holy shit.

What are you talking about?

You're fucking, you're fucking fucking the hunter

you're in the fucking you're in the fucking north atlantic moving underneath radar no one can detect you

you're straight up sodar fucking invincible in the bathroom are you kidding me

are you just kidding i think you're literally just making into the cia right now i think they just take anybody that can be silent oh my god dude could you imagine if anthony was a sniper the amount of confirmed kills he would have he's so comfortable in the wilderness he was like where is he we haven't heard him.

He's in Alpha Sector, but he's been there for 20 days.

Only here.

He's like, He never makes a sound.

He never makes a sound.

He does courtesy flush, though.

It does kind of give him away.

Oh, my God, Anthony.

That's your fact again.

That's the hardest.

It doesn't matter.

That's the hard one.

Francis is in the bathroom a long time.

He goes in the bathroom a long time so long as his butt cleans itself.

Oh, God.

What?

All right, no, we can't.

We're not following that up, Meth.

My name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a robot, dirting wife, homemaker.

No, a robot, homemaker,

mother of one beautiful child.

Are you reading this off a script?

You're looking at your monitor.

Yeah, I read it off of script every time.

Oh, really?

Oh,

I heard.

Yeah.

That's how you lose elections.

Anyways,

fun, fucking robot fact about Fruity.

It's going to be hard to top.

My fucking silent badger.

No, no, no.

It's going to be good.

No,

no, no, no, it's not good.

She doesn't go more than three days without washing her hair because of the oil buildup.

So there.

Like oil, like

machine oil.

Like oil oil?

Who knows?

But it's a pun, right?

Like machine oil?

Well, yeah.

But, you know, it's like, you know, there's, yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're not supposed to wash your hair that often, right?

Well, it depends on your hair.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Her hair is oily.

Her hair is oily.

Her hair is pretty oily.

She's a robot, Freddy.

Catch up.

Why would the robot be lubricating the hair?

Interesting.

Okay.

Hi.

I'm Will Campos.

I am your daddy oh master.

Hey, daddy oh master.

And my peachy fact this week is that if the whole earth's history was condensed to a 24-hour period, human beings would have been around for three seconds.

And if all of human history...

Love it.

If all of human history was 24 hours, it would have only been 14 minutes since the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Wow.

Wow.

Really makes you think.

It really puts everything in perspective.

It really puts everything in perspective.

I cannot believe we ruined our beautiful, gorgeous Earth, our home planet, in three seconds.

It's got to be some kind of record.

Do you guys want to

kill Cthulhu?

Fight, fight, Cthulhu.

Kill Cthulhu.

Kill Cthulhu.

We have to start off with a little bit of housekeeping.

Oh, God.

I remembered that I forgot to.

To lock the door.

Oh, no.

The housekeeping is coming in.

To make you remember that you guys got some items.

You got stuff.

And I just, you haven't been using the stuff that I've been giving you.

When did we get stuff?

So I just want to remind you of some of the stuff that you guys,

Mothman gave Trudy a fun deck of cards.

And if you draw a card, you have to make a sanity roll and you get a little cryptic hint about what the future may be hold.

Oh, for some reason we can only use that once, but we can use it more.

It's a whole deck of cards, man.

You can use it 52 times.

Francis, you, of course, have a rifle.

However, you also, for completing the riddles and quizzes of my puzzle dungeon in the Project Heartland main building, received a Migo electric gun, which was the thing that was zapping you guys when you failed your quiz answer.

So you got this like weird.

You would never shoot anybody

that can zap people.

And we hid behind the door

for that.

Yeah, previously on Beach Eagle Horror.

Beth, you have another little treat,

which is that you got like a cool Geiger counter that detects when spooky paranormal stuff is happening.

That thing's been beeping like crazy.

Yeah, we're sitting there being like, who forgot to change the batteries?

What do I have?

What does Kelsey have?

Kelsey got a book of magic spells.

That was her item she got for escaping the Project Heartland.

I'm like, I like books.

I want it.

There's a whole bunch of fun rules you can learn to read spells and learn how to do spells.

You got that going?

Oh, wait, so actually,

Blake, you have a cat.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No, mine requires more questions.

So, like, do you have a list of the spells?

What we will do is at some point, if you get a couple of weeks to sit down and really familiarize yourself with this book,

or a couple days or whatever, whatever.

Just you get some Kelsey time alone with this book.

You do some sanity rolls, and then you get to pick a certain number of spells based on how well you do.

And I'll just let you go hog wild with spells from the back of the book.

Whoa, but every time I wanted to learn a spell, I had to do a sanity roll.

You like study the book, okay.

And depending on like how long you study the book for and under what conditions, like you make a sanity roll, okay.

Uh, and then you also get like tasty treats from that.

So I just want to put that all out there.

No, that's good.

Hope you all jotted that down.

I should have been using this.

I'm excited.

When we last left, you guys, uh, you had narrowly escaped a spooky encounter with Trudy's erstwhile robot spider daughter Tiffany.

Where you fought a T-Rex?

You fought a T-Rex.

That's cool.

You were overlooking a lush valley with a sort of Bronze Age civilization in the distance, a big old stinky swamp that had mucked up from where Blake Lively had dropped his kids off at the pool, by which I mean where he is, his old poop pond, and a big temple.

A big ziggurat style temple with a statue of a key.

And there was a sort of like religious ritual going on when you were spotted by one of these tiny figures in the distance.

And I do have to perform a second bit of housekeeping here, which was that I said that the guy looked at you and screamed, Outlanders.

However, I don't think he would speak English.

So what we're going to do is all of the NPC dialogue until you find a way to communicate with them is going to be Peanuts voice.

So he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think he's at Outlanders.

How far away are we?

We're pretty far, right?

You're like,

I'm so bad at measuring distances.

Can they run to us?

It's a two-minute sprint up this hill.

Oh, God.

I'm too busy.

I'm just shooting as many of them as I can.

You only have like 12 bullets or whatever left.

Oh, that's right.

You have 10 bullets.

They'll be in a line.

You hear a scream go up from the crowd of people as the high priest says this, and you see them fleeing away from the temple towards this village off in the distance.

And then you see 10 armored warriors sort of like burst into action.

Three of them stay behind to guard this temple.

The other seven and the high priest hop onto these strange mounts and start charging up the hill towards you in sort of like a phalanx formation.

Quick question: When you say strange mounts, like horses, Kelsey, obviously, having done a really good job on her A Encyclopedia, knows a lot about ancient civilizations.

So, I want to roll no.

I'm just trying to get a sense: like, does anything feel weird?

Like, does she look at this, like, oh my god, we're in ancient times, or she looks at this, she's like, Oh, they have like robot mounts instead, or something.

Like, I just want to get a sense, like, does this feel roll me some?

Oh, I got 69, but my no is uh 70.

Nice.

Ooh, passed.

All right, Kelsey always passes with a 69.

With the 69.

It's always not as great as she thinks it's going to be when things are 95.

This is like a nice little thing that before the relaxation started.

There's like a fun little diversion.

A little side activity.

Oh, I know what your asshole smells like now.

That's fun.

It's like the appetizer.

That's like, we didn't really need that before the meal.

A little amuse bouche.

It's like the bread and olive oil.

Yeah.

You don't want to fill up on it either.

All right.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that's good.

With your 69, nice.

This all looks, again, like, if you had to classify this in a sort of civilization epic, this seems like a sort of Bronze Age civilization that you're looking at.

However, it doesn't read it as any historical culture or civilization that you're familiar with.

That's immediately non-problematic.

It's completely new and different than anything you've seen.

Although, in terms of the technology, you would read it as about that same type.

Okay.

But yeah, it doesn't seem like I can't really clock.

You can't glock it.

Yeah, clock it.

Although Francis could glock it.

Francis,

you have two guns.

I do.

You maybe protect us with the two guns.

Yeah, I was thinking so.

And show them the power of modern technology.

Yeah, I was going to use the electric gun on.

I'm really showing the power of

Thor.

Very good.

God of Thunder.

And you just scare them.

So they stop coming at us.

I bellow out.

Ah!

Because they don't speak English, so why would I even yell anything at them?

Chilling.

And then I'm going to shoot the ground in front of them with the electric gun.

So it's like, again, it looks like a big spiky rock with a little electrodes pointing off of it.

It's not really for human anatomy.

It's jury-rigged so that a human can kind of fire it.

You fire it at the ground in front of them, and this bolt of lightning zaps out of this thing and hits the ground, and just a big chunk of dirt flies up in front of them.

They skid to a halt on their mounts.

A couple of them dive off.

You see the high priest like rear up.

And now that they're a little closer, Freddie, you were asking about their mounts.

And they're like, they're not horses, they've got like six legs, but they kind of look like horses.

They look like a sort of like if evolution had gone a different weird way.

A six-legged spider horse is kind of what you're looking at here.

And then a centa horse, a centa horse, if you will.

And then you realize as these guys get closer, they're quite big as well.

They're like big and covered in hair.

They look kind of Sasquatch-y.

Do they know about Sasquatches in the Midwest at this point?

How

long has Bigfoot been real?

Okay, noticed it was a 60s thing.

Oh, the modern version of the story gained popularity in the 1950s.

Oh, shit.

The British explorer David Thompson is sometimes credited with the first discovery of Bigfoot in 1811.

Noted liar, David Thompson.

So the horses are like the horses in John Carter from Mars, which have six legs.

Oh, do they?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, they look like that.

The only human being alive who's the princess of Mars.

So yes, you see Bigfoots on spider horses in ceremonial garb dive off of their mounts and sort of like raise their hands in the air like, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa trudy trudy what i think they're scared of the new technology i think trudy's our leader and you should yeah you should be like you could be like a god to them or something

like show them and it's not problematic because it's not based on any other race

robot i mean she's almost a god to me as far as i'm concerned she's like a robot all women are goddesses yeah well yes i will approach but not too closely and then i will press the mole on my neck that reveals my robot inner workings okay oh This will really flip their gourd.

You do that as you step forward.

The moment she does that, by the way, Kelsey wants to look straight at the brain and then go, ah, I can't look at it without this happening.

And then she falls on the ground and pretends to like start shivering.

Francis doesn't do that.

Then they'll be scared of Trudy's power.

They'll think that like it kills them.

Well, no, then they'll think that we're lying because it's not happening to them.

Oh, fine.

Kelsey just stands around.

Describe how you're doing this.

What are you trying to do?

Very much has the feeling of like,

hey, check this out.

Holy shit.

I think the move is for the rest of us to kneel in deference.

So I kneel in deference.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, that's what I meant to do.

I kneel.

Just these old, these old

phones.

First, you guys give me a performance roll for your kneeling and how impressed you are.

I should be really good at kneeling because I work under the sink.

There is no performance.

Is there not?

Give me a persuade roll.

My persuade is 10 and I got a 94.

Okay, so my persuade is 55 and I got 52.

Okay.

My persuade is 10 and I got 53.

Hey, Matt.

I just have 10 persuades.

Well, they're not persuasive.

What do you want?

Some people are not persuasive.

You ever walk around looking to see a guy?

I'm stealthy.

Beth, give me a persuasion roll, and I was going to give you advantage for how impressive this bit of technology is, but based on how terrible your cohorts did in trying to kneel to you, they're kind of throwing off the vibe by like like not seeming that impressed.

So give me just a normal, straight-ahead persuade role.

I got a 44 and my persuade is 30.

Okay.

In that case, I'm going to say that they turn aggressive once again.

Like for a second.

Come on, you just got shot at.

You'll shoot the ground again, motherfuckers.

I can do this all day.

It's electric.

Sort of emboldened.

They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And they're just freaked out by what's going on.

They're getting jittery.

They're getting panicky.

And one of them is going to throw a spear at you, Frances.

That's sexist.

They don't like to see a woman in power.

They're throwing it at me.

They didn't respect Trudy, Francis.

You shot at them.

That's why they're coming at me.

Yeah, well, because you're shooting at them.

Stop talking to me and pay attention to the spear coming at you.

What if?

Ooh, Blake.

Blake, you said that there was a death trap here.

Trudy, he's got to focus on the spear.

It's flying at him.

He's really far away.

He's got a couple more seconds.

All right.

Sorry, I'm just saying.

Hold on, it's quite wind up.

He's really going to put his whole body into into this one.

You can see the way he gyrates and twists around.

It's like apocalypto.

Yes, now he's dragging the foot and spinning and torquing.

Whoa, you better be watching.

Well, Blake, you should narrate the Olympics if they ever put them on the television.

Jimmy, one sec.

It looks like he's got some time before the spear is thrown.

So what were you saying, Trudy?

Yeah, what was that?

He's taking a quick break, apparently.

Don't worry, we'll be here whenever you're ready to throw a spear at him.

He's holding up his hand and like going through the air in slow motion right now while I look up what I need to roll from who.

Trudy, I'm sorry for interrupting you.

you it sounded like you had a question for blake there yes yes you had mentioned yays a death trap yay here that you had put kind of close to your your your excrement swamp and i was wondering if maybe we could lead this group ah yays uh the death trap is very specific it is a line of rope across at head height.

You can see that the death trap is no longer there, but it's been.

And someone has taken it down.

What the fuck?

Millions of years between the time of of the dinosaurs and what's going on.

What's the best thing to do?

There's just a trip.

Oh, so it's gone now.

It's gone.

And there wasn't a tumble here before either, right?

No, I was talking about the slow time thing, remember?

Okay, yeah.

So the lot's changed since then.

So yeah, I don't think a line was going to do much.

Still there.

If I don't get killed by the spear that's coming at me, I think maybe we could try diplomacy.

I feel like I can dodge it, though.

It's going to be really slow.

Yes, be careful.

Make sure you're stretched before you do any physical activities.

I believe in you, Francis.

I think you're going to catch this.

Yeah, I feel like I'm going to be.

Francis, you have two options here.

You can catch or dodge.

Hey, Francis, you know, rather than just sitting here being worried about the spirit coming, let's do a little practice.

I'm going to throw some stuff at you.

You do a little catch, okay?

All right.

I throw a stick at Francis.

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

That's close.

Focus.

Don't be looking at me.

Imagine.

I'm not.

I'm looking at the stick.

Okay, imagine as it goes.

Imagine the stick is going much slower.

Yeah.

I try.

Don't look at where the stick is, but where you think the stick is going to be.

That's hard.

Yeah, ready?

I'd hit me right in the face.

Oh, man.

Okay.

Let's do one more.

Here we go.

That's what's practice.

That's what practice is.

Number two.

All right, here we go.

And oh, you thought I was going to throw a bad But I did.

You never know what it is.

I got it in my teeth.

All right.

He's throwing a spear at you.

Does he get advantage because he's practiced?

Absolutely not.

He's going to make a throw roll, which you can counter by dodging if you would like to, or you can just, I don't know, get hit if you want.

Just like that.

He's got a pretty clear answer there.

So give me a dodge roll to oppose his throw.

I got a five.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

It's like the only cool part of the Northman or whatever that movie that we saw that we gave.

Oh, he catches the spirit.

He catches it and throws it back.

Okay, so five out of what?

Five out of 30.

So that's how you happy when your students are.

That's a super duper success, right?

Yes.

Just describe the dodge to me.

Paint me the picture.

So I see this thing coming at me, as I have for the last 20 minutes.

I see the arc almost as if it's visible, almost as like it's a grenade reticle in a video game where you can see where the grenade's going to land.

And I gingerly step to where it's about to get at the parabola.

And as it comes down, I open my mouth, the apex.

I open my mouth and it comes down.

I go from the side and I just bite down real hard right before it hits the ground.

And it just shaves off like a good centimeter of my teeth.

And then it keeps going.

And then it hits the ground.

Oh, no.

My teeth are still technically on the very end of it.

So I kind of caught it in my teeth technically.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so you now have one spear.

We'll start a combat round.

Blake, why don't you start us off?

You're all.

I'm going to grab the spear and use it as my weapon.

Okay.

And then I want to do the thing where I like sweep the spear in a big wide arc to keep him back.

Like,

I mean, they're pretty far away from us though, right?

They're still charging up this hill.

We'll give them one good full sprint round to get up to you guys.

Oh, well, I'm gonna hold my turn and let the guy with the electric gun take another shot.

France, is this your cue?

Francis, it is now your turn.

All right, we will call that a surprise round.

You, by failing the persuade role, have triggered their fight or flight, and they've decided to fight you.

I tried to be nice.

You all saw, right?

I tried to do diplomacy.

Yes, you have done enough diplomacy.

In the eyes of the international court, this is justified.

Yes.

I Oh, shit.

I got a nine out of 38.

Oh, boy.

A nine out of 38.

That's a super, not a super duper, unfortunately.

Okay.

I'm going to shoot the first guy that's coming up right square in the chest.

Bro, do you think it chains?

You know, you hit one, then the next nearest three people also get hit.

Like District 9, where it's like, whoa, that gun did some crazier shit than I thought it would.

I love it in movies when guns do crazy shit.

Men in Black was one of the best movies for blocking noisy cricket.

Dude, in terms of guns, I did crazy shit, Men in Black.

Men in Black's on top, dude.

I walked into that movie, man.

This will be a movie about aliens.

Little did I know is about aliens.

Every time I see a gun come out of a movie, I lean back and go, show me what you got.

Let me see something new.

Let me see something new.

Only two movies have ever satisfied me, Men in Black and Fifth Element.

So I have the rules for the electric gun up.

It's a little more complicated than I thought.

Jury rig for human use.

The weapon fires uncertainly.

Roll 1d6 while attempting to fire.

The weapon only fires on a result of one to two.

And then we'll give you your firearm skill for it.

So it looks like that first one was free.

And then there's, but it does a bunch of.

You rolled a one.

Oh, you rolled one.

Okay, great.

A bunch of bluish sparks fly out of this thing.

Is this the guy that threw the spear at you?

Is that who you're aiming at?

Yeah.

Okay, so he rolled a 69.

So you nailed it.

Nice.

This is a nice episode.

Two episode, two rolls.

Roll a 1d10 for your damage.

I got a nine.

Okay, so he takes nine damage.

Does his head explode?

No, but he's not looking good at all.

He's got a scorched head.

After I shoot him in the chest, I want to put out my hands in a placating gesture like calm down Calm down like waving them down like stop.

Well, I think that's offensive.

You shouldn't tell people to calm down.

So he needs to make a constitution roll or he's gonna fall unconscious.

He passes his constitution roll.

Darn it.

So he stays upright and just reels from this damage.

Give me another persuade roll with advantage to try to calm him down.

Oh, cool.

Nope.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

The temple has like a big structure of the key on top of it.

Yes.

And And it's green key.

Yes.

Kelsey is going to pull out her notepad that she always used to write notes for all of her encyclopedia novels.

Her accoutrement.

Yes.

She is going to wave her hands to be like, wait, wait.

We don't want to fight.

We just need.

And I'm going to take out my pen.

I'm going to draw a picture of the key.

I'm like drawing the key and I point at it and point at the temple and point at Trudy's brain and point at me and point at the book and point at the temple and point at Trudy's brain and then point at the guy and do like an X sign like we don't want to shoot.

He,

that weird brain robot, no shoot.

We're okay.

I like this.

Give me a persuade roll.

30.

Okay.

Yes.

That's great.

Having been zapped by this nasty gun and seeing that it's nearly killed one of their Bigfoot compatriots.

The high priest Sat Squatch sort of like parses what you're saying.

And then when you point to the key and then point to Trudy's brain and point to the gun, like his eyes go wide.

And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He frantically waves to his guys.

And then he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can listen to these guys all day.

The guy steps forward, like the main priest steps forward to you, Matt.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And he points to himself.

He points to the team.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And he points to you.

And he points to Trudy, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yes.

Trudy.

That's Trudy.

Trudy.

And I point at the top, Key.

key,

and they all go, key, key, key, key, key, key, key.

Truthy plus key is

good, bro.

You do a little dance.

And they all go, oh,

the high priest comes up to you and he like gives you a fire insights on.

I keep swan in the chamber in case you ponders.

And he's like seven feet tall.

He's like towering over you.

And he does this like little bow, like this little bow.

I'm like, whoa, whoa.

Ah, yeah.

I bow back.

Yes, we bow back.

Yes.

And then he stands up and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And he points to this city in the distance.

You're from

here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why aren't you there right now?

Big questions.

Big questions.

Francis, you need to use the pointing and gesturing.

Oh, the pointing.

Oh, okay.

Also, Francis, you notice that, like, the way this seems to be sizing up is that, like, the big priest seems like, oh, Kelsey, you must be the me of your group.

Yes.

And then the Bigfoot that you shot at, Frances, she comes up and she's glowering at you.

And she's like, oh, you must be the me of this group, like the badass.

And she folds her arms and glares at you like, hmm.

Yeah, except I don't get shot in the chest like an idiot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I point the cat.

Is she cute?

I mean, if, yeah, sure, yeah, for Bigfoots, yeah, absolutely.

Any born in a storm.

When they point,

he's been gone for like a day.

Yeah, but I gave up on Carly.

I'm on the market again.

Oh, you're a free man.

He cartooned Carly.

You murdered Carly.

You just tried to murder her boyfriend.

That's not the same as dating somebody, Francis.

Francis Amato.

Francis, we asked.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The high priest points to the city.

Okay, then I point to the city.

I go, what is that called?

We, and I point to all of us, and I point out, like, as if there was a city behind me.

And I go, America.

America.

You, city.

What?

Whoa.

Shining city on a hill.

What's yours called?

Whoa.

Whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't really understand it.

Okay.

But he's a whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And he motions for you to like follow them.

Heads on this.

Heads on the swivel.

I point to the city and I give a big thumbs up.

Like, oh, that looks really cool.

Before we go to the city, can we go to?

And I point to the temple and I point to the key.

I go, key first?

And he points to the temple.

Yeah.

And we all point to the temple.

We all point to the temple.

All right, yeah.

He leads you down the valley towards the temple.

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How many of these big boys are around us?

So you got like

seven Bigfoots surrounding us.

Okay, we're dead if we fuck this up.

As you're marching down this hill, you see the three Bigfoots that were guarding this temple like look a little surprised, but then they realize something important must be happening.

So they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And like, the main guy is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They immediately snap to attention and like step aside as you approach the entrance to this temple.

As we're approaching them, there's like one little snotty Bigfoot who's trying to get them to break character.

You know what I mean?

Like throwing little pebbles at him.

The guy's like, kissing him on the cheek.

Kissing him on the cheek.

Trying to break character.

He got big old hat.

Yeah.

Trudy, can I ask you?

Yeah.

While I got most of it.

Yeah, you have a little second here as you guys are heading towards.

Maybe a little rude question.

I'm just trying to, I don't know how much you've kind of examined or know how your robot self works.

I was actually wondering the same thing.

If I have a translation app within me.

Oh, that's even better.

I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, are you looking for, how do you look?

Let me touch a different mole on my body and see what happens.

Okay.

Have any of the other moles done anything?

Well,

I don't know.

How many moles do you have?

I'm one of the mole people I know.

She's like Lindsey Graham.

Give me a no roll to see if, like, and just try to like access your memories of yourself and like just to know your own body to know if this is something that you have the capability of doing.

Oh, you know their own body.

This is the equivalent of getting system information in Windows.

I got a 46 and my education is 65.

Oh, okay.

Dang, you know all the models of graphics card.

Yes.

Okay, so Trude, you just typed in DX diagon to run.

I'd love it.

You sort of like have this vague memory of when you were being installed into your body, vague half memories of consciousness that have slipped past you in the months, I guess, since you were built.

But you have this vague sense of like having this ability programmed into you to understand other, like almost like the original treaty was able to communicate to you psychically.

There's this sort of latent ability like that to understand the communication of others that Tucker had programmed into you.

And it's, there's some way to activate it.

It's one of the many, how many moles are on your body?

She's one of the molest people in the world.

Give me a D100.

How many moles?

97.

So one of your 97 moles will activate this ability.

All right, boys, let's press the moles.

Press the moles.

I look for any irregular, maybe like cancerous moles that I might have.

By the way, the average number of moles on a person, 10 to 40.

Okay, so I definitely have like a lot.

So

how many of your moles can you reach?

Like, I guess it's mostly just like any mole in your body.

She's got friends with her, though.

So every mole is reachable with friends.

So it's 90.

You have 97.

Yeah.

I'm going to write down a number.

Okay.

And if you roll the number, you can activate by hook or by crook your ability to universal.

Do you remember a moment when you and Tako were making love and he's like, whatever you do, Trudy, don't ever touch this mole on your own.

I don't think so.

On your own body.

Don't touch this mole on your own body.

He never said that when we were silent in bed with the lights off under under the covers after having both showered and then showering afterwards.

Did he say between his first and second pump?

Roll a 97-sided dice, I guess.

Okay.

You just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100.

Yeah, just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100.

60.

No, that is not the number.

God damn.

And we'll let you just anytime you want to call for it.

Guess what number?

All right, I'll give you one more guess.

Guess.

71.

No, it's not 71.

Damn.

But what did 71 do?

I was going to say 64, like the Nintendo 64.

it was not it was not 64 either so far none of them have done anything it's because you're exploring that you should you should learn your body that's an important thing for us women to do i was also just going to think when we get to this key do you have any part of your body like again i'm trying to be polite do you have a keyhole

i have a pocket okay well i guess that works as we're just like

i just more want the

i just more want to convince them that the key like is yours like it belongs to you so like i don't know you know your brain opens up i was wondering if there's like a slot like that way when we get there you'd be like oh hey like that's mine well i dropped that that's mine give it to me i have any pockets on these big feet so maybe if she puts it in her pocket they'll still think the same thing i just think you're not gonna take a green oven mitt it'll perfectly match the human

i just think they won't just give it to us i was just trying to think like yeah it seems very important now you go to lost and found you gotta prove they asked for your id so like it's just like you know it's just like as you approach actually some places don't ask for your id okay now you find out that kelsey goes to lost and founds to get stuff and just says stuff

Well, most places ask for your ID.

That's where you stole your encyclopedia.

I lost my credit card.

If you're a six-year-old teacher, honestly, they don't even ask.

You just say, hey, I think I lost some stuff at this restaurant.

Can I just get the Lost and Found?

And they'll say, you take anything, guys.

As you approach the temple, the guards step aside.

You step into an inner chamber, and it's got like a sort of high stone vaulted ceiling.

Spot hidden for key.

Go ahead.

I missed.

Okay, you don't see a key.

Well, this is lovely.

I'll have to meet your interior decorator.

The priest is like, whoa, whoa.

And so you see this mural wrapped around this chamber, and like the priest is showing you this mural, kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, this is the story of your history.

Oh.

Oh.

How would he know?

Kelsey?

Yeah, wait, how did he recognize what you said?

Holy shit, he can speak English.

He can hear it.

He just can't say it.

He can't say it.

So we also just said,

I don't know how to do it.

Be careful about what we say now.

I think they can understand,

eh?

He sort of shows you this mural, and the mural depicts the cultural history of these people.

Long ago, two tribes lived in harmony.

Oh, my God.

Anthony, you were just like an excuse.

Is there another podcast you'd like to go to?

Do you want to go to the principal's office, Anthony?

Oh, shit.

Anthony's just fucking jamming the A button on his controller.

Like, let me skip it.

Just give me the sword.

Give me the sword.

When can I shoot?

Pause, skip cutscene, skip cutscenes.

Anthony, if you would like to play your Steam Deck while I'm explaining this important

information, go ahead.

I'm excited about these two tribes.

Long ago, two tribes lived in harmony.

Francis, pay attention.

I am.

Okay.

I have autism.

I can play Hans and listen at the same time, I think.

Thank God.

One tribe.

One from the planet.

One tribe called Quest.

One from the plains and one from the swamp.

And he says, like,

like when he's, you know,

he does not like the swamp.

Oh, you know, you're planes.

I think these are planes, guys.

Until one day, a brave hero of the plains named...

Do we have that document that does the user submitted names?

I'm pretty sure somebody submitted.

Matt Arnold submitted Link.

From the Plains of Hyrule.

Submitted.

Hey, look at this user submission.

This looks like a pretty cool guy.

What did he write?

He wrote Link.

This was sent to us by Kiva.

Thank you, Kiva.

The name is Huxley Fiasco.

So a Bigfoot named Huxley Fiasco discovered a pod in the ground, some strange thing in the ground with a key inside.

Key.

And the people of the plains deemed it a gift from the gods above.

and that someday they would discover a door in the sky that this key belongs to that would allow them to ascend to another world.

The people of the plains worked nobly towards this goal, but they were betrayed by the greedy people of the swamp who coveted the key.

They attacked the people in the swamps, stole the key, and have hoarded it ever since.

So, some people have it.

Give me a spot-hidden roll.

Kelsey?

Oh, yeah, don't worry.

Let me, I just want to see how good of a success that was.

That was a super success.

It was a 26 out of 55.

Excellent.

Okay, then you can tell that this mural has been painted over.

It seems like this temple has changed hands a couple of times.

And so, this story you are seeing might not be the whole story.

Unreliable narrator, dude.

Perhaps, if one were to take a closer look, but you'd have to do so under the you're in the room with the Bigfoots right now.

Okay, now can I just get really close to the picture?

Sure.

I mean, I want a closer look.

Well, take out your reading glasses.

Oh, you're right.

My reading glasses.

I take out my reading glasses.

These things really double my spot-hidden skills.

My spot-hidden skill is now 100.

I take my reading glasses down.

I get real close.

As you do that, the high priest gets a little suspicious of you.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have my finger up.

Like the classic teacher librarian finger.

Like, shh,

I'm thinking.

Lean forward.

Give me an intimidate.

And I got 19, but my intimidate is 15.

Yeah, I feel like.

If four luck you can spend.

You can push your role.

and risk the consequences.

I'll use four luck for a shush.

That feels like a good thing to do.

I got 53 luck.

I shushed.

Okay, so you shush him.

And yes, with your inner librarian authority, you remind him of his Bigfoot mother, who he's very scared of.

And he kind of backs off for a second.

He's like,

he hides his chub.

And thus, therapy is born.

Psychology begins.

Psychology begins.

So that looks like a new family.

Yeah, he has this confused look on his face as he's both aroused and intimidated by you.

And then he backs off because he is also weighing, like, do I want to offend this higher up in this new group of people or not?

So he backs away and lets you get a closer look.

As you approach,

you can kind of make out like what's been etched over and what's been painted over as you look at the mural.

And you can tell that in a different, older version of the story, he was gifted to the people of the swamp by the gods below.

And stolen by a cruel villain named Huxley.

What was it?

Huxley Fiasco.

And in this version, they're called Suxley Fiasco.

Suckle.

It was stolen by Suxley Fiasco from the people of the plains.

So the people of the swamp launched a cunning raid to steal the key back and have held it ever since.

They've been plumbing the depths trying to find the door below that the key goes to so they can descend to a new world and join their gods.

All while the people of the plains try to steal their key back.

Ah, Trudy, if you look closer, there's another version that says, Essentially, both of them think the other is the bad guy, but I think in either story, the swamp people have the key.

Oh.

Give me one more spot hidden, everybody.

Another spot hidden.

Give me a no roll.

No.

51 and my no is 70.

Pass.

I got an 11.

63 and my no is 28.

Failed.

Francis failed.

Francis failed.

Okay, so you two.

We're both oggling your cool gun.

Get loaded this time.

Check it out.

Let me hear a little bit of that.

Yeah, I keep my finger off the trigger.

It's a good trigger to discipline.

I don't understand.

You say you pull the trigger, but one-third of the time only shoots.

Yeah, one-third of the time is pretty good.

I mean,

if I was a batter in big leagues, 300 is pretty good.

But

the other two out of three times.

Yeah, missed.

Yes.

Just

getting up nice and close.

So that's not even an issue.

We just pulled the trigger to get.

You killed my dog.

No, now listen.

You have the gun.

I do.

And I have a memory of my beloved dog.

I will stand over here.

I will stand over here, please.

Keep it cool, bitch.

Yeah, I curse now.

You're such a cool team.

Thank you.

Highly, somebody gets me.

Are you maybe number one most popular kid in class?

You know what?

Yes.

Wow.

Now, Francis, we don't tell lies in this temple.

I mean, I am probably the most popular, if you will.

Assuming they know that I shot a kid.

You were the most bullied until you shot a kid.

They're definitely talking about me now.

Yeah, they're talking about me.

I got him talking.

No, no, you know, press is good press.

Hey, a win is a win.

Francis, I have a question for you.

Yeah.

What do you think is going to happen when we get back?

I think Shane Silva Sr.

is going to kill me.

I think he's going to find me.

He's going to pretend that I did.

I have drugs on me.

And he's going to shoot me in the fucking head.

So I'm going to try to kill him first.

And I'm going to quality help with that.

Okay.

Well, you're clear-eyed about it.

Wow, this kid's going through a lot.

While all that's going on, the two of you notice there is a star chart on the ceiling above you, like these constellations.

And you kind of realize as you're looking at them, and maybe A for astronomy.

Oh, she knows everything about astronomy.

You know everything about astronomy, and Trudy's a robot, so ipso facto.

You realize that this spot you are standing on is like these people think that this is the exact center of their universe.

They're like, this is the center of the whole of existence.

Okay, as you're taking in these sites, the high priest is looking a little antsy, and he really wants to get you over to his city.

He's like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He points to not his watch, they don't have watches, but he points to his arm.

And that's the symbol for let's hurry up.

Oh, on his

arm is a small sundial.

Yes, he has a wrist sundial.

He got inside.

He holds it outside and it's pointed.

I hear you just really quick.

This painting,

does it show the door that they want to go to?

Like, is that how we learned that?

Yes.

Okay, great.

Because then I point at that door and I go, oh, that door, that's where we're from.

Oh,

yeah.

So you.

Oh, and they all drop to their knees.

So then I say, I love you.

And I point at all the, and then I do a motion of like, go to war.

And I go point out, swap, swap, get key, and bring it here.

And I sit down and wait.

And the uh, Kelsey, I don't think you get to judge me anymore.

The big foot is like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, we'll go to the city.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's like, we should go to the city.

Okay.

Okay.

This is like when you skip the cutscene and then another cutscene starts and you're like, ah, two in a row.

Right?

Like that.

No, no, no.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

But, you know, it's like another city.

He has more information for us, guys.

It looks broken.

We're off to the city.

The city of the plains people.

So that the high chief is like, whoa, whoa, and he claps his hands three times, and the three guards give up their cool horse spider mounts.

Hell yeah.

Or four of them, because there's four of you, give up their mounts so that the four of you can ride these cool zone.

This is easy as fuck.

Well, shouldn't Marbles get his own mount?

Yes.

Oh, you show them marbles?

Yeah, Marbles pops.

Hey, Marbles, maybe not now.

I can chill.

Okay, so then you talk

away, Acas.

They're looking like unnerved at you.

Marbles, I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you.

And again, I am so, so sorry.

Oh, God.

Marbles still hates you for using marbles as a weapon to kill your robot daughter.

I just don't think that it should be forever that Marbles feels that way.

Trudy, I could take him.

What do you mean?

Like, I could hold on to him until he forgets about the trauma that you inflicted on him.

No, no, no,

Marbles meows skeptically, like, that's never gonna happen.

Marbles are living in my skull, Hedel.

Yeah, maybe something will happen to Marbles, and then you and me will be even.

Hey, what the fuck is this?

Okay, I'm joking.

I'm joking.

I never do that.

Trudy, I love all of God's creatures.

Yes,

Trudy, Kelsey, Trudy.

Is it Francis always like this?

Well, he's he's a, he's a, he's, he's a, he's a youth, a teenager, and, and and they can be so hard-headed.

And, you know, just a, just kind of a, yeah, but, you know, he's growing up and he's learning and he, and he's, and, and, and he's a work in progress.

We all are.

Isn't that that's just the age-old question with violent kids?

Is is that just, were they always like that?

Or

something pushed us through.

We don't always be a boy.

We don't know with Francis.

He's gone through a lot.

So we'll say all of this.

You guys can continue the conversation.

You're walking.

This is a, yeah, you were riding through the countryside on your spider horse.

Oh, yeah, we were good at it.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, I can make you roll, but I don't want to think about like you got a watch.

Well, I bet you're fine.

They're easy to roll.

I bet you they're extra stable.

Yeah, they got more legs, right?

And they're very obedient to what they're doing.

I bet the two legs are just coming out of either side of them and like perpendicular to the ground.

So it's like in case they fell over.

It's just balance.

Yeah, it's like it's like that.

It's like training wheels.

Well, what's nice is they can break a horse leg and not get put down because they got five other legs.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, think about it.

Wait, spiders have eight legs.

They have eight legs.

Yeah, they can bite all sorts of breakfast.

They have four legs and still have four legs.

I shoot every spider the second it gets injured.

You shoot every spider.

Yeah.

So, yes, you go through these rolling plains

towards this village.

It's quite nice.

It's quite pretty.

There are sort of telltale signs that the area is kind of falling on hard times.

You see wounded people being tended to.

A lot of Bigfoots missing limbs.

Like they've been through a couple of battles here, you know?

You make your way through these thatched-roofed huts, this little village that surrounds a big, like almost like a Viking, you know, long house, like a Viking lodge.

And you enter, and there's like two like sigils of a key on the door as they swing open.

They're really key-pilled.

They're really key-pilled.

I forgot.

Oh, I had a bunch of fun details about that.

Like, they all have mohawks, and then you realize that they've styled their hair to look like the riches of a key.

I was like, that's kind of fun, right?

Kind of fun, world-building kind of stuff.

We got some of that going on.

Oh, hey, guys, look at their hair.

It looks just like keys.

You roll in.

Like, who's first?

Who comes in first?

On horseback.

Oh, well, you've dismounted from your horses.

Who's the who opens?

Why would come in on horseback?

All right.

You ride your spider horse straight through the front doors and they swing open.

And guess what?

This is a little treat for the person who opened the door.

They look just like Strider when he fucking opened that door.

Do you know what I mean?

What if he was riding a horse?

He's fingers on a horse in addition to being all sexy when he comes in a Rohan.

It looks like that.

What if...

The horse pushed it open and the horse opened.

And he got extra legs.

Oh, that's true.

Actually, yes, the horse pushed it open.

The horse looks really sexy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this really sexy spider horse tossles its dirty Vigo Martins in hair and then lands and then reveals you.

And you see at the end of this hall, a queen sitting on her throne, this Bigfoot queen.

And her name is Anthony Hitme.

Her name is...

Where can I submit my name?

Where's the submission for?

I want to submit.

This is from Charlene Lamphere.

And the name is Scarlet Fury.

Scarlet Fury Fiasco.

Keyfinder of the Plains People.

Queen Scarlet starts at first as you barge through the door, but then the high priest quickly comes up and is like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Everyone's a titter as he introduces you.

Everyone's a titter.

And you, I assume, dismount.

The queen rises, sort of, she's looking regal and intimidating and impressed, but also, I gotta, you know, like, she's gotta show her dominance here.

Kelsey, I point at me, Trudy.

Trudy, I experience Scarlet Fury once a month.

Wait, he programmed that in?

It seems cruel, doesn't it?

Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah.

Yeah, what pulse of the park was.

Was that just so he could be like, oh, you on that time in the month?

What an asshole.

So the queen steps up to you and eyes you.

What were you saying, Kelsey?

Did you say something?

Oh, I just had my name and Trudy and then Trudy may yes, yes.

Blake, reading the room, bows to the queen.

I bow to most readily.

She walks around you, kind of eyeing you suspiciously.

She sort of strokes her chin, like thinking.

She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Flexible forearm.

and then she looks at one of the sort of members of her court is like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and the guy's like whoa and then he runs out you hear like some struggling and scuffling and he comes back in with a chained up human man in a lab coat

uh and he's got like big goofy glasses and he's like a little nerdy looking guy and he's like whoa whoa just hey hang on and he sees you he's like oh thank god oh thank god other humans oh thank god oh they go wait what are you doing here who are you who are you who are you identify yourself And do I know this man's toilet?

Tucker Trout sent us.

And then the queen is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, to the guy.

He's like, okay, wow, wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, you can speak.

Yeah, I can speak.

I'm part of Project Heartlander.

You guys were...

Did you leave the door open?

Tell me, you left the door open.

Tell me we can get out of here.

Did we leave it open?

I can't remember.

T-Rex left it.

Yeah, I don't think we closed it out.

There's been a real problem with containment.

But we need the key.

And we're here to rescue you.

Okay.

Who are they, by the way?

Who are you?

Well, let's start here.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

I just told them that I'm going to be explaining something to you guys real quick so that we understand each other.

Give me a couple minutes before.

Shiminichu Doo.

Tarong dogosh.

And then

Da Theta.

Meanwhile, the queen's like in the...

Farrowing Matto Bay, too.

When you say that, Will, the queen's like, whoa, whoa, another cutscene from this.

Shut up.

From their perspective,

from their perspective, they also think Will's story is.

No, no, no, no, no.

Now they have to wait for this guy to explain to us.

All right, Ted.

Man, new man.

All the Bigfoots take out their steam decks.

New man, what is your name?

My name is Jenkins.

I work in the Project Heartland Research Division.

I came in this morning,

Sunday morning.

I was just trying to catch up on work.

Don't tell Tucker I'm in here, okay?

I mean, we won't.

How long have you been in here?

Oh, I mean, I came in this morning, but time works differently here.

I've been trapped here for weeks.

I got captured.

Okay.

Well, yeah, you seem like a bad guy.

Do you get get told?

I'm just saying he's a bad guy.

I know, but he doesn't know that we know that.

Oh, he's a

bad guy.

I see my face.

It's hard to see.

And he looks at you, Trudy, and he's like,

Mrs.

Trout?

Yeah.

Nasty.

What do you?

But if you're here, then, oh, something's gone bad.

Something's gone really wrong, hasn't it?

What would make you say that?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble.

He said that I should expand my horizons and maybe clean some of the laboratory and so i wound up in here so silly just a classic woman mistake okay well i don't believe you but look we're all in a pretty bad situation here okay it's something we're pretty cool they think we're like us we could have you killed do you know where the key is that's what we need

the key is with the swamp people they're on the other side of the world yeah we already knew that kill this guy

translate that yeah what's what's killing this guy in wawa well i'm not gonna trade are you kidding me who is this who are you yes francis your where's Nightmare?

All right, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

Francis, Francis.

How do you say this man is our friend?

We need to save this guy.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, that's great.

Because, yeah, they think you're...

What did you tell them?

You don't need to worry about that, Jenkins.

You need to worry about what you're going to do.

You're from the bottom door.

We had some cool technology.

We shot some stuff.

Trudy showed the brain.

Then we pointed at the picture.

He said we're from the sky.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay.

Jenkins.

Let me just be the first to say Tucker's very disappointed in you

because of your time card is going to be very overtime.

But he doesn't even know I'm here.

How does he know I'm here?

How are you going to fill out your time card, genius?

Oh, geez.

Oh, geez.

Look, let's just regroup at the bunker and we can figure it out there.

Okay, okay, but first, tell me how to say the thing that we asked you to say.

Oh, okay.

Well, do we want to save him?

Well, no, because here was my plan.

My cunning plan is you can then say that and then wink at them.

And now they'll know you're not being serious and kill him.

We might as well save him if there's anything.

You guys should definitely save me.

We will save you, but I don't question anything.

Do you work for Project Hard Harley or not?

No, we don't.

We have part of the ex-unit.

I do.

She doesn't.

We're a ragtag crew.

Look,

I'm in a lot of trouble.

I need to get out of here.

I am on your side.

You're doing a lot of talking for somebody that needs something from us.

So just wait.

Just wait one second.

I have a question.

My name is Kelsey.

You should know me.

I'm the teacher in Beachy Mill.

So respect it, okay?

Yeah, hi, Mrs.

Hi, Mrs.

Grammer.

Okay, quick question.

You don't remember me, Jenkins?

You taught me in the middle of the year.

I don't.

I only remember my favorite students.

So here's the thing what

have you met the swamp people i haven't met the swamp people no do you get a sense that they're pretty similar to these people no they're way different they came out of like the environment got contaminated in that swamp and like they evolved it's not the typical thing that we see and when we run these experiments okay what's the typical thing you see Oh, you guys really don't know anything about why you're here.

Do you?

I'm remotely.

We are part of the X unit.

We know why we're here.

We do Black Ops.

Do you know what this place is?

Do you understand?

You know what's going on?

I assume it's an experiment to see how like society emerges over long periods of time like you fuck with variables and shit and see what happens francis that is good critical thinking

yeah that was great you always had such a hard time when you read those paragraphs and you had to summarize them like but you i didn't even catch that you're not far off yeah i damn so what we're in right now and again i need to wrap this up because they're looking a little suspicious whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wow uh say something to me like sound angry what if i don't believe that you're appeasing them what if i believe that you're not going to help us?

Well, you only have me to trust unless there's some mole on your body.

I'm going to press another mole.

Guess a number.

I'm going to guess.

I am going to guess.

Before she guesses, this is important.

Have you decided, are there other numbers she could say that do other things?

There absolutely shouldn't be.

Yeah.

All right.

The three of you, Discord me a number and something it does on Trudy.

Okay.

That's fun.

And Beth, you can do one too.

I don't try like, yeah, I don't want to say that Trudy doesn't have control of the robot here.

Somebody else guess the number, and I'll tell you what it does.

Because I can't provide the number.

Oh, sure.

Yes, I will.

You're right.

I will.

Yes.

Text me the thing.

Freddy.

What?

There's a mole that makes me calm.

I'm going to be pissed off.

I've sent mine.

Okay.

Yes, it was my plan to make Trudy like R2D2, who just keeps getting more and more things added to him.

Like the Swiss Army knife of plot robots.

I'm going to guess the number

31.

Nope, nothing.

Fuck.

That one's just cancer.

When you say make him look angry, I'm going to slap Jenkins.

And then like turn to the three of them and be like, yeah, right.

I'm in charge.

Guys, just pretend it's cool that I slapped him.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, cool.

And I look at the chief and I go, you know, I got to take a look at.

And the chief's like,

us CEOs, no.

Us LinkedIn CEOs no.

Make him work-life balance.

All right, Jenkins, we're going to save you.

I want you to understand the situation you're in now, which is you no longer work for Project Heartline.

You work for me.

Okay.

Okay, and what we're doing is great, and we're going to get three keys because we're saving Peachyville from whatever you guys were doing.

So, well,

okay, agree to disagree, but okay, okay, that's fine.

I'm now

on the same side.

Great.

I would love to learn more about what you think Project Heartland is because I'm a teacher and I should not close my mind to you're right.

I was being a little closed-minded, so I would love to learn your perspective.

Molest Mole 17.

You've read nothing on Mole Mess Mole 17.

Jenkins like looks at you.

He's just looking at you, compressing your balls.

Crazy of them numbered.

I said, go ahead, tell them that you are my assistant, and I need you back because I can't do it without you.

Okay.

And he goes to them and says, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

And I give a thumbs up.

And you give a thumbs up and they're like, hmm.

And then they like cut Jenkins's ropes go and they shove him to you guys.

He's like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Look, this isn't a safe place for us to talk.

Let's go to the secret hideout and I can explain everything to you there.

Okay.

I know you're like this.

It's a secret from us.

It's a a secret from everyone here.

It's just the observation bunker inside the chamber.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Will they let us walk over there?

And then he turns to the chief and is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And the chief looks suspicious.

Like, whoa, whoa.

Like, the chief, like, wants you to stay.

Like, the chief wants you to stay.

Jenkins is replacing himself with us.

Making that her career.

He's like, the chief is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, gestures to the food.

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I mean, it would be rude not to.

Where should we stay here or go with Jenkins?

They turn to you, Trudy, because you're like, you revealed your brain.

You're like the queen of this operation.

Yeah, you're Miss Manners.

You know how to do that.

So she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And she puts her hand out to you with like a big old turkey.

Press mole 46.

Queen Scarlett looks at you and like also presses like her body on like this.

She thinks this is some sort of salute that you're doing.

Yes.

Okay.

Jenkins, just tell them that, because they seem like they're a little suspicious.

Just tell them that it's been so long.

And in our tribe, we all need to get to know each other.

And we all need to get together.

Physically again for a little bit of privacy.

And then we'll be back after I'm done my lovemaking.

And that in our culture, we get the food to go.

And we'll be back for the food, so they're not suspicious.

Yes, but now it's cold.

Jacob

has some food too.

And he explains all of that to her.

He does like some gestures to simulate lovemaking.

But he likes to eat while he watches.

Yeah, so then he does some eating stuff and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then she's like, whoa, whoa.

And then she looks at these objects that you have with you, the Migo gun, your spellbook, this detector wand, the deck of cars.

And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So sort of sheepishly, but like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then she takes this crown off of her head, like this beautiful helm.

And she's like, I give her the electric gun and I take the crown.

And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then she points like number 46 on her body again.

And then, you know, sort of just bids you farewell and gives you your food and like, you know, sort of gestures like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jenkins is like, the queen says that she's very looking forward to seeing you tomorrow to discuss how together you can crush the swamp people, retrieve the key, and reach the door in the sky.

Cool, great.

Well, maybe we all want the same thing.

Yeah, okay.

It seems like all of our

interests are aligned.

Yes, very good.

Jenkins, lead the way to this secret.

But no funny moves, Jenkins.

It's easy to be a superhero.

You don't need a cape or x-ray vision.

You just need to sign up for PowerSaver Rewards.

That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill.

Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a super power saver.

So, you guys are watching Jenkins.

Jenkins like a hawk.

Jenkins.

Jenkins.

As you ride off, that was a role psychology on Jenkins.

Jenkins.

Okay, give me a roll.

And there's the vines that Freddy used before, right?

Yeah.

That was 10 million years ago.

Are there vines in this place?

Are there vines?

Where?

What are you talking about?

Where we are.

Are there vines?

Hey, Jenkins, ask them for a rope.

I fail my psychology role.

I got a super duper success in my psychology role.

Okay, great.

So you can tell that Jenkins is just as paranoid about you guys as you are about him.

Great.

There's a mutual sense of distrust.

It's a real scorpion and the frog situation here.

I want to tie Jenkins' hands behind his back and he can lead us to the secret headquarters like he's a dog.

Like he's walking in front of us and he's on my leash.

Okay, okay right

um so it's about two days trek to the

jacon says this is very far i mean it's a big world it's a big world in here you head to the mountains to the west there's these like big scary looking spooky mountains and you hear these whispering winds in the tunnels and hey jacon says we're driving really far yeah we can talk pretty quickly after leaving the kingdom

this is i need to it's just what's in there no this is bullshit you want us to be in a special room so you can talk to us we can talk here no it makes me feel like there's something in the room you want Yeah, to like fuck us over.

I just got to talk to us.

Like, if you want to talk to us, you can talk to us now.

Okay.

Explain what's in the room.

Okay.

Motherfucker.

As the kid pointed out, and I never got your name, by the way.

I mean, I did, too.

Yeah, you didn't.

As you don't even know, goddamn, Francis, you're so cool.

As Francis

wisely observed, this place...

Damn, why don't you tell him?

This place, you guys seem familiar.

I mean, like, I'm seeing you got the Electra gun, you got the book.

You guys have all completed Project Heartland orientation.

Yeah, they've got the badges too, right?

And you got the badges.

So you guys have completed orientation.

We worked for Project Hardlane Hardy.

Okay, you already told me that you didn't, but that's fine.

I told you to know.

We completed orientation, but it was a while ago.

Okay.

Well, you remember when you had to shove that dimensional shambler into the stasis chamber?

Yes.

Yeah.

This is a really big stasis chamber.

That's why time works differently here.

Every second out there is like a thousand years in here.

Time is standing still in here.

What that allows us to do, you know, we're the research department.

Rather than having to spend our time researching technology, we can grow entire civilizations in here and over the course of a day, they'll evolve past our wildest dreams and then destroy themselves, and we can just take their technology.

I smack them.

Oh,

yeah.

What?

Are you an idiot?

One of these civilizations is going to evolve enough that they have a technology to realize where they are, and then they'll come and kill all of them.

And whenever they do, whenever they get close, we press a little button and we flood the entire world and kill them all.

Yeah, no, I think they're they're gonna

look like well, it's back in the master control room.

We can't access it from here.

I slap him again.

It's like, you are just killing people.

So now you're just telling me you're killing entire civilizations of people for your little games.

Reveal to me that in Project Heartland, the objective is to put a pin in the powers that be, so to speak, to control these otherworldly creatures that are scary and big, and yet you would do a vile thing like be the powers that be for this other civilization.

Yeah.

It shocks me.

Man's the real monster.

Well, here's one to shock you.

Where do you think all the technology that created all those moles came from?

My moles?

Yeah, mole number 47.

You don't even know what that one does.

Mole number 32?

You don't know anything.

I hit number 32.

I click it.

Your eyes go into party mode like a desk light.

And you just

blink like red and green.

That's like Christmas party, Trudy.

Yeah, you didn't even know they did that.

That's from like like 20 civilizations ago.

As Kelsey sees that, Kelsey looks like, you killed entire civilization.

I look at Trudy, who just has a party boss.

For that, we are at war.

We are trying.

You turn and you see Francis is dancing.

He's like, what the?

We are trying to help humanity survive in a vast, terrifying cosmos.

Okay, we're practically on the, you know, we're on the verge of destroying ourselves.

I don't know if you guys have looked around lately, but the doomsday clock is two minutes to midnight.

The second the atomic bomb came out, we were able to annihilate ourselves.

I get it.

You think you're smart and you're interesting.

You're not.

You're just a shitty,

horrible person.

Well, Jenkins, I don't need to hear anything from you anymore.

Jenkins, I have a question for you.

How many experiments have you run?

Oh, geez, since I got here two weeks ago, about,

well, let's see, we can do like four or five a day.

Have any of these experiments yielded anything?

Actually.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, look at the likely to save us.

Look at our pioneering work in robotics.

I mean, you're looking at it right here.

I'm seeing party mode, and that's it.

You're seeing party mode, and that's it.

This whole robot here, everything going on under the hood.

If you're a robot civilization, I'd have to look up the serial number.

It was before my time, but my point is that we are able to research incredible technologies that are going to help save the human race after Zuzel's war with the powers that be.

And I know it's ugly work, but it's work that somebody's got to do.

And that's what Mr.

Jenkins right here is going to do.

Okay.

We hear that excuse a lot.

That's fine.

Jenkins.

You're a Nazi, aren't you?

This is an operation.

I am not.

How dare you?

No, you're worth

American as apple pie, sir.

Yeah, okay.

Well, that's fine.

You're an American Nazi.

Show us where this place is then.

Just go ahead and lead us, and don't talk anymore, please.

Jenkins leads you to this bunker that's hidden in these mountains, and you hear like a whispering sound through the wind, and it sounds almost like someone speaking to you, and you can't quite make it out.

And as you draw closer and closer to the place he's taking to, it sounds like

Hey, everybody, it's scream.

Aircraft, shave and die.

Can I see you here?

Shave and Iird.

Let's think a minute before we say T-W-L-B-I-T-S.

It takes you into this narrow slot canyon, and at the back end of the slot canyon, there's wind whipping around and blasting, and the sound is getting louder and louder and louder.

And then there's this tiny crack, and you realize this sound is coming through this hole.

And you hear shave and a haircut, shave and a haircut.

And then Jenkins steps up to the hole.

I'm holding his leash tight.

And just, okay, just relax.

I'm not.

It's just a and he whispers into the hole, two bits.

And then a door slides open.

And this was the cool secret password that, like, you know, we would have had to figure it out.

Basically, we hear rumbling, and this rock wall facade slides away, revealing a bunker inside, like a sort of World War II meets fallout shelter type bunker.

Jenkins, who was saying shaving a haircut?

Is there somebody in there?

No, that's just our security countermeasure.

Like these people don't obviously know what shaving a haircut means.

And this is, you know, so we can find the super bunker.

Yeah.

And then that's the password.

So it does feel like if you wanted to hide this place, you shouldn't have the door make sounds.

400 fucking generations, Ronda.

It hasn't been a problem yet.

So, you know, I guess that's just, you know.

It's spooky.

They think it's spooky.

They stay away because it's the spooky ghost mountain where things are cursed.

I mean, a couple of people have gone to the door a little early and you just gassed them out of embarrassment.

Yeah, what are these bones over here?

Shut up.

Don't worry about that.

Shut up.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Wait, actually, I never asked.

How many of these places do you have?

Is this the only one?

Well, fuck you.

I'm not telling you shit.

And then he walks inside.

Pistol whip him.

Yeah, I pull him back really hard on the leash.

He falls down.

Give him a shot.

I do know what's for.

You answer the boy.

Do you want to get out of here or not?

Yeah.

You don't have any leverage here, my man.

Do you know how to get out of the chamber once you're inside?

We can figure it out.

You know how to get out.

Two security with, say, two bits.

I'm pretty sure we're on top of this shit.

Jenkins, you know how to talk with a soul?

All right, all right, all right,

we'll just live here.

How about that?

And he can live here with us.

This is the only place.

This is the only control room inside the experiment.

Now, do you want to come in and see or not?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just wanted to answer Francis's question about how many of these there are.

Okay, well, I did.

How many?

Thanks.

I just said this one.

This one.

I didn't hear because I was screaming.

Of all people, a teacher should know that you can only use your mouth.

I'm doing my best to not lose it on this serial killer, a genocidal, horrible human being that is part of our community.

And I can't believe it is a part of it.

And I'm doing my best.

There's more of them than you think.

Oh, and there's a lot.

We're going to stop them.

And I haven't even gone to the point.

I haven't even told him that he's deadly responsible for that whole boxing match that we watched a ton of our fellow citizens die.

So, okay, Jenkins, I would just advise you.

I seem like I'm a nice person and i don't believe violence is the answer but i'm just saying if you

i'm close oh i'm close okay i am close okay okay so jengins leads you inside he closes the door okay and he shows you this bunker so there's beds there's a place for you to sleep there's a pantry full of food like you get the sense that people spend a lot of time in yeah we get it we know what bunker is jengins we're not idiots he's also he's also presumably gesturing like with his chin those are beds

that's a kitchen he takes you to the control room i just want to make sure that I am keeping him tight.

So there's no way he's pressing any buttons.

His hands are tied behind his back.

You got a gun trained on him.

And he's just pointing to things with his nose.

Not like his nose near any control panel.

Here's what you see.

So you see a video monitor that shows you a video feed of the control room outside back in Project Heartland.

And on this monitor, you see Tucker.

And Tucker is moving.

So slowly, you couldn't even tell that he's moving.

Because again, time is flowing much slower out there than it is in here.

But you see tucker is in the middle of flipping open a case and inside this case is a syringe and you remember that he was talking about how he wanted to go fix timmy you also remember trudy in your memories as original trudy you remember the last thing you felt before going unconscious was a syringe like this sliding into your neck Oh my God.

So we've got to get out.

We've got to get out of here.

Well, we got a lot of time, Trudy.

Yeah, we basically have millions of years.

I think we should actually, we could literally live our entire lives and then we would come out and be like a few more seconds there.

I don't care.

I just want to get out of here.

I I understand.

No, no, I'm with you, Drew.

We're going to save your kid.

I'm just.

Your kid is also in slow-mo.

No, I just want you to know that we can.

We have time to find a way to save him.

We're going to do this, okay?

So if you got stuck in here by accident, how did you form all this computer stuff?

This has always been here.

This is a part of how we run the simulation.

If we want to granularly adjust...

This room is another stasis chamber.

This is a chamber within a chamber.

So we have much more precise control over the flow of our time versus the chamber that we're in.

What would happen if you put the third chamber in this chamber?

And is there an exit here?

So I was just getting to that.

The only way to open the exit doors for safety reasons is from the control chamber outside.

And I can see from this control panel that right now we are locked in here.

So even if somebody was like, oh, I got to go open the door, they move so slowly they would die before they opened the door.

That does seem to be the situation that we're in.

Well, that's not great.

However,

there is a way.

They're actually the swamp people and the Bigfoots.

That's what I call them.

I call them the swamp guys in the Bigfoots.

That's kind of just what I've been calling them.

You guys call them whatever you want.

That's the least offensive thing you've done.

So you can call them whatever you want.

It's not going to change our opinion of you.

They both weirdly have they've developed this obsession with the key.

And I don't know why Director Trout put the key in here.

He does weird shit in here on Sundays.

He's got his own research going on.

That's what I think anyway.

That's why he doesn't want anybody in here.

I just came in to sneak in to do some work, but it seems like he's running his own experiments off the company records.

You snuck in to do work?

Why do you have to sneak into work?

Well, I had a lot of work to catch up on, and this is a great place to catch up on it because you got a lot of time to do it.

A Nazis work is never done.

Hey, hey.

Jenkins,

you haven't answered the question about the third chamber.

I don't.

I guess that would be crazy if someone did that.

To put that to file away for future expansion.

Okay, that's a great idea.

Would you, are you interested in joining Project Heartland?

You seem like you've got a good mind on you.

Overtime pay seems a little bit shy.

Okay, Okay, never mind.

So how can we get out of here?

So weirdly, both of these societies, in their own goofy way, they're actually not that far off from the truth, which is that at the top of this chamber is a flood hatch.

That's how we flood the chamber.

It connects to the Peachyville storm drain system.

And at the start of every simulation, it opens up and floods the area with water.

So there really is a hole at the top of the sky.

And there really is a drain that corresponds to that hole way beneath the earth.

What if we're in in one of the simulations?

Have you ever thought about that?

Oh, don't.

So we're already in the third chamber inside the chamber.

Maybe that's where there's the stories.

I've heard stories about this already.

I didn't know where it came from.

You guys, somebody started flooding the chamber and they said, we can't do that.

They stopped it.

That's us.

And then our society get enough technology that we've made chambers in our thing.

But we're still just in a simulation at any second.

Oh, any second.

This happens to everyone their first time they go in the chamber.

One of these assholes could just flood us at any second.

Oh my god.

But the very same thing you said though about the time dilation means that won't happen for millions of years, as far as we can tell.

Kind of makes what we're doing seem not as bad, right?

No, it makes it seem happening to us.

No, that's not how moral, because somebody does something to you doesn't mean you get to fail kindergarten.

So exactly.

How do we get to the sky?

Jenkins nodded spiguously.

That's the question.

How do we get to the sky or how do we get to the bottom of the earth?

Because that's where the drain that the flood water goes into is.

Oh, top or bottom.

Top or bottom.

Do you want to be a top or do you want to be a bottom?

That's the question I'm asking.

It feels like it's...

I didn't see any.

it feels like it's going to be easier to go down than it does feel like they haven't figured out flight yet.

They haven't figured out flight, but it's way, way down there.

And they haven't figured out the kind of drilling you would need to either.

I mean, it's a shovel.

Neither of these civilizations.

Neither of these civilizations have really figured out how to reach the top or bottom of the chamber.

And they're not going to.

Question, Jenkins.

Has this happened in the past?

Again, it's happened in the past.

How did they get there?

Once societies evolve.

Yes, I get it.

They figure out rocket ships.

They get to the top.

Yeah, yes.

Again, but that's my point.

Right now, every society eventually masters their environment enough to be able to dig and to be able to get up high you said it's really far down how far down is it it's like if we were to like dig like normal human beings and somehow make peace with both tribes and have all of us dig together how long would it take us to get to the thing the problem isn't you're dealing with bedrock you're dealing with it's not just soil all the way down you need heavy-duty machinery the type of society maybe i have a mole that lets me fly oh press one

mole number two mole number two uh mole number two is that a number?

You shit your pants.

Oh,

nothing happened.

Oh, you want to press another one then?

No.

I'm not going to press another one for a while.

Why do you program you to shit?

We need to figure out the either up.

So yes.

So yeah, the problem is they're not going to evolve this kind of technology for it could be thousands of years.

Yeah, we can't live that long.

I get it.

So what do you want us to do, Jenkins?

And he points you back to the control panel.

He says, that knob right there controls the time dilation in this chamber.

So we can fast forward this.

We can fast forward thousands of years.

Which button is fast forward?

Bathroom in years.

Oh, sounds like someone needs to know where the facilities are.

Maybe if you guys hadn't rushed me.

I'd pissed him.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

No, no need to do that.

I was just wondering where the bathroom is.

That way.

It's his mouth.

Actually, yeah, where Jenkins, where do you sleep?

Where do I sleep?

Yeah, that's the bathroom.

That's where the shit goes, baby.

It's all over the place.

It's barracks.

You're all going to smell it if you go in the whatever.

Go wherever you want.

I don't care.

I don't like it.

If I break this thing, the time will go forward.

So, yes, there's this knob, and it controls the flow of time in this room versus the chamber that it's in.

And then there's also a clock to let you know like how many years and seconds are passing and at what rate.

You guys want to do a little test?

We can like make a sign that says, like, we're gods in here.

We need a big drill and then put it out front and then fast forward like a thousand years long.

They don't understand English, so you're gonna have to figure that out.

Jake is just giving problems, or do you have a solution?

You just feed back.

Also, you speak wah wah wa.

That's true.

I do speak wah.

That's great.

I can go out and tell them.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I want you to write that we need a big drill.

Okay.

Make a big drill, and that will make us gods happy, and we will give you bountiful food and whatnot.

Kelsey?

Yeah.

He's not going to write that.

Hmm.

It's probably true.

We can do it with pictograms.

Oh, yeah, pictograms.

There we go.

We figured out hieroglyphics.

They'll be able to figure out the pictograms.

Okay.

So we draw that.

We draw a cool picture of us inside here shaving two bits.

We're gods that will shave your two bits if you don't give us a big chunk of the picture.

He does drill.

Francis Cross is not a drink.

Francis Cross is all that out.

I like this.

Draw me this image.

Hey, Francis, you're going to draw

this image.

Here, I got a pen right here.

Someone

Anthony draw something.

I'm terrible at drawing.

I think you would probably be better.

No.

No?

Hey, PlayStation.

I want to see it.

I think Matt should drive.

Matt's the one who's so keen on this pictograph idea.

Anyway, here's my pen.

No, I don't think he's that pictograph.

I was going to have Jenkins write it.

That's true.

While he's doing that, Kelsey writes the alphabet and then starts writing as many words as possible and like basic ideas of grammar syntax.

She writes an encyclopedia.

She writes, well, this is just more about the language.

And then I throw it outside and I fast forward a thousand years.

I check, and I'm like, do people speak English now?

Francis, we can just make them speak English.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you start drawing?

Well, I still did that fast for a thousand years.

All right.

Your thing makes sense, too.

Well, we'll see what happens.

Maybe it worked or not.

If we go fast farther enough, they will develop usury.

And as a result, interest-bearing accounts.

So what we could do is eventually put our money in the interest-bearing accounts and become billionaires.

There's a commonality between all of your characters, aren't there, Francie?

No, no, but I understand, but that's actually not a bad idea.

But let's just do this first.

Let's just check out.

I leave my head out.

Anybody speak English?

Shout out into the woods.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

Shout out into the woods.

Wait, how does that work?

If your head's out in that timeline and your body's in this timeline, do you come back and your head is like a millionaire?

No, no, no.

It's turned off.

We can pause.

All right, all right.

Let's get out of control.

What is the first thing you guys do?

Do you try to teach them English?

He's drawing a really complicated picture.

Kelsey can more quickly draw the alphabet and some basic grammar ideas.

Draw a picture of a cat and point with a cat.

And I threw that out there.

And then I just wanted to check.

Well, you know.

Do you trust Jenkins?

He's drawing you with this.

No, I don't even know.

Jenkins, fuck you.

All right.

It's just Jenkins knows their language, so it would probably he'd be able to help.

Yeah, but I don't trust Jenkins.

Okay, all right.

Well, Francis is drawing.

Fast forward a thousand years.

Keep going, Francis.

You're doing a great job.

It's just a little test to see what's up.

And I open the door and I lean out and I just scream, anybody out there?

All right, you open the door.

Anybody out here?

You step outside.

Is the book on?

The first things first.

It's the alphabet that I put out gone.

So you just threw it onto the ground?

Yeah, but I made it like look pretty.

Like somebody would pick it up.

Like if you saw it, it would pick it up.

No one followed you here.

No one goes into the mountains as I explained because it's spooky.

Okay.

So no, your book just eroded into dust.

Oh, okay.

Did you look around to see what anything else that had happened in the civilization?

I went back.

Francis, that was actually, that was useful because here's a little thing we got to do.

We got to make sure whatever you draw, one, weather proof, because mine just disappeared in the dust.

Oh, two, we'll make it into a paper airplane and throw it far away where somebody can reach it.

That's the second, maybe not paper tree, but that's the second thing you said is absolutely right.

We should put it a little bit farther away than where we are now because it seems like even in a thousand years, nobody came this way.

So, Jenkins, I was wrong.

Your whole shaving haircut thing did work in a thousand years.

Nobody came up here.

So, fuck me.

I was wrong.

I know.

I can't admit when I was wrong.

That's a pretty good plan.

How's the drawing going, Francis?

Francis, you're really going.

All right.

I think I'm doing it, actually.

Oh, Francis, this is what we got.

Examining.

I think it's pretty good.

It's unfortunately pretty good.

All right, I'll just show it to you guys and then pass it over to Beth and Beth will describe it.

Pretty good.

Thank you.

Pretty good.

Well, looking over your shoulder, Francis, I can see that.

Hmm.

It's more for a human audience.

Like, I was thinking more about a human brain when, you know, that's how my art connects with people.

I see this is us.

You are wearing a crown and your stick figure.

And there are two stick figures with long hair.

That's Kelsey and myself.

I have short hair busts.

Okay.

How are they going to know you're a girl if I don't give you long hair?

That's fair.

And then, um, and with limited art skills.

Two more stick figures and a kitty stick figure.

and it's right next to me

and then our little kelsey actually

and then our little like box that we're in is glowing and then the people outside have shovels and they're going down down down to a big

smiley face in the grounds and it's glowing and it's smiling

i think this is perfect francis no no marvelous work thank you now we just need to put this in the right hand

We got put it on stone, I think.

We should chisel it into stone.

Okay.

Yeah, Jenkins, it's good that you said okay, because that's going to be your job.

So I leave it.

And find like a chisel or something.

And we're going to lead him outside.

We will supervise.

Yeah.

The four of us will be supervised.

We go until we can't hear the spooky sounds anymore.

We go

down into the mountain range.

We find like a nice little piece of granite that's overlooking the valley.

Cool.

Let's start chiseling.

All All right.

And don't fuck it up.

This is a great drawing.

So, you know, replicate it.

And it's been a thousand years, right?

Yeah.

Yes.

As you emerge from the mountain, you gaze out at what once was the peaceful Bronze Age valley of this society.

And before you, you see something completely different.

It's La Cienega and the oil.

You see like a smog-filled, sprawling urban hellscape.

You see, like, if you knew what steampunk was, this would look extremely steampunk, like a futuristic Victorian world in front of you.

Francis.

This looks so cool.

I might make it my entire personality.

Trudy, I know.

Trudy, I know you're married, but have you considered multiple partners?

Hey, Francis, I think you need to update the picture of the shovel.

You see, like zeppelins in the sky floating around.

Well, let's just get on a zeppelin and go up to to the zeppelins floating around in the sky.

You see trolleys zipping that way and that.

There's sparks of electricity that seem to be flowing through this entire landscape.

And you remember that before you got into this time dilation chamber, you gave one item to Scarlet Fury Fiasco, the leader of this tribe.

You gave her the Migo Electric.

And it would appear that they've spent a thousand years studying it, the Bigfoots of the planes, and the planes are planes no more.

As you peer out into the city, you not only see that they have taken over this entire region, but they seem to have captured the swamp people, the ones who wanted to dig down into the earth to begin with.

Like, you see these big green creature from the Black Lagoon kind of looking guys being ruled over as a sort of proletarian underclass in this crazy metropolis-esque world.

What's going on, Zeppelin?

Yeah, let's just go buy a Zeppelin ticket.

As you gaze out at this world, two Bigfoots in like clockwork armor are on patrol, and then they spot you and say, Outlanders!

I point at my crime, and I say, It's meteor God.

They fire a laser rifle at you.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

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Dungeons and Diets is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth.

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All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away

that I stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I'll stay

today

Well, yeah, you don't want to have sex on your period

I personally don't.

I don't know why that was like a test match.

I was like, what is Anthony going to say to his mother?

What's Anthony going to say to that?

Why is it?

Was it FINT?

Anthony Matt freaky.

I've done period sex.

It's fine.

Real gangsters run red lights.

What?

What?