Dad Save America - Democracy Dies in Dadness

Welcome, welcome, faithful listener, to our attempt to save democracy.

That's right, we're doing it, baby.

I know you've been asking, How can these guys save democracy?

And Beth and Amanda.

As is always the case, it will be mostly men who save democracy or destroy it.

No, we're going to destroy it for sure.

So, what's happening is this is our special election campaign episode.

And the reason we're doing this is to hopefully convince you, if you haven't already, to go out and register to vote.

We're not going to tell you who to vote for.

Voter, pretty obvious.

We think you're all good people.

So we know who you are.

Are we giving $1 million a day away to one lucky listener who signs our petition, who supports independent podcasting?

What is that a reference to something?

Elon Musk is giving $1 million a day to somebody.

What?

Yeah,

somebody signs up for super sexy supervision.

I know, I know.

Believe me, I was like, yo, this podcast is going to do it.

This episode is definitely going to swing the election.

And then Elon Musk did that.

I'm like, damn, I don't know if you just want to.

give it a fuck.

I wonder if maybe that's not very legal.

It doesn't sound legal.

It sounds like election interference.

Yeah.

That sounds fine to me, everybody.

Okay, anyway, our real

register is vote.

It's important.

Go to vote.org specifically if you want to find information on the story.

Go to ElonMusk.com slash Twitter slash millionaire.

Now, here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

There's obviously the big presidential election coming up.

That's forefront on everyone's minds, but it's important to vote because it affects you all the way down.

Local elections matter.

Local elections are so important.

They're more important.

I would argue.

I'll even go so far as to say I learned a real lesson about local elections when the city councilman that I thought was a decent guy got jailed for bribery.

And I realized that local elections are important and the buildings that he rubber stamped, why he's in jail, the buildings he rubber stamped for development are going up all around in my neighborhood and they're real eyesores.

And I'm like, you know what?

I really need to think more about myself.

I should have looked more closely about his pro-bribery platform.

See, if you vote in your local local elections, you can be the one electing a guy who later gets removed for bribery.

Yeah, I realized that local elections were important when my property management company that owns my apartment put a pro proposition that would decrease protections for rent control

in front of my apartment.

And I was like, hmm, oops, I threw this in the trash because that's not supposed to go there.

Oh, my God.

Insane.

So what we're going to do is not lecture you for an hour and and a half.

What we're going to do is we're going to play a fun little one shot.

The dads will lecture you for an hour and a half.

Yes.

Yes.

It's not election interference if a fictional character does it.

That's a good point.

Oh, that's a trick.

Elon Musk is fictional.

Yeah.

So we go back to season one.

The dad in Fay Room.

Yes.

Dude.

Your favorite characters.

Maybe.

Not mine.

No, not mine.

Not mine.

Not yours.

What is your favorite character?

I don't want to say.

Okay.

This feels like

a little character named Walter White.

I'm just getting my politician mindset.

Hey,

Anthony, I just want to let you know.

I just want to let you know who you vote for.

That's between you and your maker.

You only need to tell us.

Whatever makes sense.

So the dads are back in Fayrune.

Well, it's not back in Fayrun.

This is during the campaign of season one.

You are on your way to rescue your lost kids, but you do have Yabela Payton with you.

Yeah.

And your leaf vibrates.

Ooh.

Who's going to get there?

Oh, it could be one of those people that's been calling us over and over again about the election in Fay Room.

Don't answer it.

Hello?

Hey.

Walter.

Who is this?

What have you got?

It's Walter.

You need to go.

Yeah.

Walter.

Hey, Walter.

God damn it, Walter.

Are you doing surveys for electioneers at this point?

Whatever.

They answer all your questions.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

I was actually calling to see if I could get your support for my campaign for the White House.

Oh, what about the colours?

There's a big house on a hill that's totally white, and it's fucking rules.

It's got like jacuzzis, a fountain, a dead spray, strawberries.

Every day, it's fallen strawberries.

It's got

a blowjob room.

It's got...

Sorry.

Hold on.

Nope, nope.

I'm not going back to explain it.

Is it got

a kitchen with everything?

It's got everything you could possibly imagine.

And every four years, somebody new gets to take up residence in the White House.

Ooh, Henry here.

Hey, Walter, I have a question for you.

Is the blowjob room called the

oral office yeah i know people say that all the time i beat you to it

was funny i thought it was a funny little joke i think it was funny too it must be hard to keep that house clean no it's actually magically clean all the time like when you look at it you can't even make out the corners or the creases in the doors frames or anything like that it's so white it looks two-dimensional it's crazy walter is this house sounds dangerous guys walter is this like is this like a prize like do you do something or is it just somebody's lucky and gets a liver for four years oh it's a campaign you campaign every year.

So, whoever wins the campaign that says they deserve to live in the White House because they are the best person or they've had the hardest life or because they're just the best person to sort of lead society.

They get to live in the White House.

So, they lead society.

So, this is like a.

I mean, like, culturally.

Like, you look at them as the arbiter of style.

Who's in the White House now?

Nobody's vacant now.

That's why there's a new campaign.

What happened to them?

The four years came up.

Oh, so they literally were like,

the guy from the White House before?

Well, then, well,

Henry, Henry, we would would let somebody stay in the White House while an election is going on, that'd be insane.

Henry, Henry, Henry, this would be really stressful.

If you ever stay in an Airbnb, you know that you can't check in and check out at the same time.

They got to get the cleaners in there.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, yeah, you got our support.

You're the best.

And, like, obviously, we can visit you and stuff and like hang out in the White House if you got it, right?

Yeah, of course.

Have you over for parties?

You could have some strawberries.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, like, you made that house sound really cool.

Yeah.

What if, like, what if we wanted to, wait, what if we wanted to stay at the bottom?

Yeah, this sounds like a pretty chill place to hang out

well

there's only two guys running yeah that's why i was gonna call for your support wait how did you get to run i mean it seems like everybody would want to run just you yeah this sounds like this house would be really popular just like the blowjob room alone because it's a little haunted and like half the people who go in die oh i see but i am super good at making things that can fight ghosts so i'm probably fine hey quick quick talk to the dads here i gotta say i gotta say i'm a little bit i'm not angry i think everything you say today is perfect.

I gotta say, I'm not, I'm not too on.

Henry, Henry, I'm not angry.

I'm just a little mute.

Oh, okay.

Well, no, I want Walter to hear this.

Okay.

I'm just a little disappointed in you all.

When we brought Payton to Walter, he just took it.

He just did what we asked.

And here he is coming to ask us if we can help him get a good house.

And you guys are like, oh, what if I want the house Ron?

Or asking about how the politics work.

I thought you were supposed to be culturally sensitive, Henry.

Why do you just go along with what waiting is?

Part of being culturally sensitive.

Daryl, Daryl.

Yeah.

Daryl.

I'm listening.

Daryl.

Part of being cultured.

Psych, I'm not listening.

Oh, fuck you.

Part of being culture-sensitive being is culturally curious, which is what I'm being.

You're asking a bunch of invasive questions about how his culture works.

I want things all the time.

This isn't out of character for me to want something.

I'm not saying it's out of character.

I'm saying maybe you could improve

your character.

You're right.

Our friend Walter wants a blowjob room.

He wants a blowjob room.

He wants a strawberry fountain and a blowjob room in a non-Euclidean two-dimensional giant house that he will become the cultural leader and style icon of the Forgotten Realms in.

Correct.

Now muted, Henry.

Okay, I'm going to just

press mute.

Let's be real here.

We'd be the power behind the house.

Like, Ron, you, like, if Walter wins, like, the house, we'll be able to use the house.

Well, I would never use the blowjob room.

No, neither would I, unless Carol does.

Why?

What?

Why wouldn't you?

i i think i did i'm a married guy and and once you get married then uh you were bow jobs

no more bow jobs they're illegal

i unmute walter okay so i'm we would love to help you oh sorry walter you definitely heard all of that because if you were muted yeah you couldn't hear me i was talking

i heard everything you said

so my feelings are a little hard sorry walter that was rude but i uh

there's no button on a phone that lets you mute the other guy.

Oh, wait, there it is.

It's turn off speaker.

Wait, no, but hold on.

People have done this before.

It's been a common mistake.

No, hold on.

Like, I can't go on my iPhone, then call you, and then press a button where I can't hear you, but you can hear me.

Yes, you can.

I don't think you can.

You're right.

And you can turn off the speaker.

Well, we'll agree to disagree because that's what bipartisan ship is all about.

All right, who are we being while?

Oh, there's a magical leaf.

Who's this asshole who thinks they deserve a house more than you?

Well, this is bad news.

Okay.

It's an old friend of yours.

Oh.

Damn likely.

Oh.

scam.

Yeah, no, we definitely prefer you.

Yeah, for sure.

Scams.

Yeah, I've got a debate with him coming up, and I need, well, I need two things.

One, I need some support in your debate because I'm not a very good debater.

I'm the opposite of a master.

Ha ha ha.

Happy to do it.

Number two,

I need running mates.

And I figured all of you could be my running mates.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to ask.

You could have multiple running mates.

So, again, not to be nosy, but to be curious.

So, how the government system works here.

It's not government.

It's just a cool house, Henry.

How cool how the system works is

everyone around gets to vote for one guy and as many friends as he wants.

I captured five.

His one guy and his five friends get to live in a fun house with a blowdrop room.

And it's just sort of like, how did you become the other guy?

How did you and Scam become the two guys running?

We campaigned for it.

Did no one else campaign?

But wait, I just

ran a primary and we were the ones who won and I was going to go to the next one.

Just to come here after the primary.

Primary elections are so important.

It's true.

So you got a lot of support on it.

Don't show up in the primary.

You don't get to complain about who you vote for in the general.

That's true.

Hey, Walter,

what's your numbers right now against Scam?

Like, where we at?

Right now it's like 49.51.

It's way closer than it should be, logically, given the stances that Scam likely has.

Okay.

And what's like the polling error on this one?

It's like

three to four cases or whoever.

It's within range.

Okay.

It's within range.

Yeah, I asked those 538 gnomes that go around asking everyone what they said.

They said, that's a dead heat.

It's a dead heat.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

They usually vote for themselves and they don't get enough votes to actually ever get in the house.

Yeah, so here's a question, Walter, just from a tactical standpoint.

Do you want us to get people who are into scam likely to vote for you?

Do you want us to focus on the people who can't pick between you or scam likely?

Or do you know what I mean?

Honestly, I leave that up to you.

I figure as my running mates, you'd also sort of be my campaign advisors because I'm not sure.

I've never won an election before, so I don't know whether to go.

That's pretty impressive.

Yeah, but like, it was a primary against.

It was a primary against David Morianes, and he's a cop.

It's not hard to beat that.

Damn.

So, which

one you guys did at Van David?

I just have which, you know, do you guys have parties?

Like, which party are you?

Like, what are your party?

House party, baby.

Nice.

What are you going to do for the citizens of Fay Room?

It's not a political thing, Henry.

How many times have I to say that?

Just a cool house.

It's a really cool house

where you can eat straight.

I keep bringing my own preconceived cultural colonialist vibes into my preconceived judgment.

And I'm the primary party frog in Fay Room.

To me, I see that there's two ways to approach this.

Either we need to convince people that you are the one who most deserves the house,

or we need people to think Scam likely doesn't deserve the house, right?

Okay, yeah,

or we could convince people that want to vote for scam that voting is not worth it

oh that's a good

let me be clear it would just be in this context that voting is bad yeah but like if maybe we convince because you'll do i'll be honest i don't know if that's the coward's way out i think that we could tell all of faeroom to vote for walter and that our opinions would be so cool that they would do it

they go low we go high

let me hear me out hear me out what if we call into question the entire system of voting and made it seem like if you voted for a person, it would flip the vote.

Like there was an error in the machine.

And then we would encourage all Scam Likelies voters to vote for you.

You all get transported to the debate.

Whoa, Walter!

What's going on?

I'm tired of waiting for an opponent.

I'd like to introduce you to my running mate.

Running mate, introduce yourself.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Tatty Roper.

That's Tatty T-A-T-T-Y Roper, R-O-P-E-R.

And I'm in a wedding's crowd with my best mate ever, scam likely, to make sure that people of Fayeroon get the best person in this house that they possibly can.

You got a silly accent.

You're not even from Fayeroon.

How could you run from Ferraro?

Teddy's got to need the foreign demographic.

Oh, God.

And he's got sex appeal.

Oh, man.

Why are you from?

Also, I'm like nine.

He's got sex appeal in his pedophiles.

There are more pedophiles in Fayern than you think.

That's a very large demographic of votes I need.

And shockingly, you seem to have locked that vote up.

You're not pretty good at that, honestly.

You got a long road to climb.

We're not going to work on peeling off that vote.

Okay.

They have that vote.

You're in a debate right now, Walter?

Yeah, I was kind of calling you as a last minute.

I need help because otherwise they're going to disqualify me for not having running mates.

Oh.

They've already picked some debate questions, and I think the moderators are about to start.

Anthony, as our dungeon master, could you paint a picture of this debate scene?

Oh, yeah, how many debates?

Where are we right now?

You are in a darkened room within a castle.

You can smell the musty mold of the castle.

No audience did that.

No, there is an audience.

I was getting to that.

Interesting.

You piece of shit.

There are a bunch of audience members of various races, species, different financial castes sitting in the audience.

You see ogres, you see orcs, you see elves, you see people wearing crowns, like actual governmental officials.

It seems like everybody's really interested in who gets into the White House, even if it doesn't actually directly affect them.

Well, the culture.

The culture.

The culture.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

The real Truman shows.

It's really what happens in your local houses that you need to be paying more attention to.

And there is a couple goblins on the rafters pointing two big spotlights at two podiums.

And then a third spotlight ignites and spotlights are like candles in like a bucket or something the moderator

there's magic in this world yeah they're magic candles in magic buckets okay cool the moderator's podium lights up and from beneath a bunch of roots sort of start pulling away at the ground from underground and then sort of shove all the dirt away and then like from an elevator aaron o'neal rises from the ground and stands at the podium and says it's so crazy that we've met everybody involved in this yeah we're so powerful we're powerful and connected connected, Ron.

Anthony, I have a question.

Yeah.

Is this before or after we let Aaron Onio die?

Let me roll.

One through 10, it's after 11 through 20.

It's before.

And by the way, I'm in Friday, of course.

Yes.

The architect of all y'all grand designs.

You Blofeld?

Yes.

It was me, Boss.

It was me, Boss.

12.

It's after you let her die.

Oh, this is a D-Rail, but do you ever think about the 12-year-old?

No, no, no, it's before you let her die.

Okay, he's fine.

You're good.

The part in Spectre where he's like running around and like there's all these like little pictures of Blofeld Blofeld on the wall that he's running past.

And you're like, did Blofeld come through here and tape those up to message?

My favorite part of the little fucking escape room?

My favorite part of the new Bond was the scene where Javier Bardem was really far away.

Wait, what?

This is that old scene where he walks from really far away up to the camera.

Yeah, and you're like, and it's like, I don't remember that.

I remember being like...

True Bardem heads know.

At the end of 1915, 1916, the one-take, you know, World War I movie.

I think it's 1917.

I was two years wrong.

The end of 1917, the part where it's like he finishes, he delivers the thing, the end of the movie, and then there's a tree in the distance.

And I remember turning to Matt and being like, this motherfucker got to walk all the way to the tree.

I was like, that tree couldn't be a little closer.

And sure enough, one take, he had to walk all the way there.

And then the whole time, I was like, I'm done.

I'm done with the movie.

He said the thing.

Now he's going to go to the tree and like sit down and some shit.

But I'm like, God damn, that tree far away.

So the way this is going to work, Aaron says, is.

Hi, Aaron.

Hi, Aaron.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

I still like you.

Yeah.

If you died, we wouldn't let that happen.

No, never.

Right, Ron.

Yeah, right.

You guys got my back.

I got yours.

We're buds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The way this is going to work is, even though we're buds, I'm going to be completely impartial.

Okay.

All I'm here to do.

Wink.

I wink at her.

No, I saw that wink.

I'm not bribable.

Hey, hey, really quick, audience.

Hey, you made the audience think I was trying to bribe you, Aaron.

That's prejudicial.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is not a courtroom.

It sucks my dick.

Ooh, before we get started, we have a machine for that in the White House.

Henry walks over to Scam and

this is interesting.

Let's see what he'll do.

Just to shake your hands.

Hello.

Hello, Henry Oak.

Let's have a good debate.

Scammed you.

Oh, hi, Henry Oak.

Let's have a good debate.

What are they there, Chucklefuck?

Okay, well,

he called me a chuckle fuck, but I think I went

to change.

Yeah, but then Scam likely pulled his hand away and slicked his hair back.

That did not look good for the optics, I'd say.

No, I think that's going to make them just look cool.

I think these two people look pretty cool.

Yo, you're good at handshakes.

Why don't you try?

Okay.

I'm going to say it instead of getting up in person to do it.

It's just like 1917.

That's a pizza.

No, no, no.

Henry, Henry, I don't think I think anything you do to these two just makes them look cooler.

I know what's gonna happen.

You can psych them out.

What if you do the psych, and that'll cover up for my lack of psych.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Hey, hey, Scam, I'm gonna come over and give you a handshake, too.

Okay.

Matt is now getting up.

Oh, such a long walk.

And Tatty does look like a small Victorian paperboy.

I

know that we know each other, but...

Hey, I did it first.

They both tried to do the movie.

I did it first.

How's it going?

What's your name?

Oh, cool fist pound.

Yeah.

You made them look cool again.

Tatty, Tatty.

Tatty Ropa.

Daryl, by consenting.

Tell your friends.

Bye, big man.

Man, he really made us look less cool.

Daryl, by consenting to the fist pound that Tatty initiated, you look dumb as fuck.

No, I told you.

I told you we can't be.

You went in for a handshake, and Tatty gave you a fist bump, you fucking anti.

I told you, if they go,

if they go for the fist pounds, you go for the snail.

That's all you guys are doing.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, guys.

I shouldn't have to go.

All right.

I'm going to get up and I'm going to shake their hands too.

Okay, you got it, Ron.

You got it.

I'm waiting.

I'm thinking of this.

Like, yeah, it scam.

Yeah.

I'll think it's awesome.

Not very sportsman-like to just sort of stand there and not actually shake our hands.

Not very cool.

You never know.

I might.

Audience, do you think it's a little bit on tour that he's not shaking our hand?

Boo!

Shake his hands.

Excuse me, audience.

I don't think that's what you said, audience.

I think you can.

Excuse me,

I'm not sure.

I think they think it's cool that I scammed you and

you didn't know whether I was going to come shake.

High roll is you, low roll is me.

Yeah, we like the daddies it's cool it's cool not to shake people's hands sometimes

if you don't really agree with them i said not to shake well ron you did a good job good job ron okay now it's my turn

you got this glenn all right glenn glenn leans his chair back and then just flips both of you the bird

let's see how the audience feels about that and then you should also probably roll to see if how well i'm balancing on the back of my chair

So you bounced really well, and the audience responded with a natural 20.

Wow!

This guy fucking rules!

Hey, Walter, just call off the debate.

We're already winning.

You gotta quit with your head.

No, there's more pedophiles than there are people in this room.

God.

God, no.

Okay.

Okay.

I think the debate's starting.

Yes.

What's the first question?

The first question comes to us from

where to fucking go.

No, that's a real question, Aaron.

I'm also a woman, but yes, go ahead.

Yeah.

Oh,

ma'am, Aaron O'Neill, I have a real question.

What?

Is this like a free form debate?

Do we all just get to talk what we want?

i was going to explain after i asked you the question oh okay okay

i usually i like the rules 15 feet further than you usually trust me okay then it would be fine okay okay so what's going to happen is i'm going to ask the question and then you and scam are going to roll and whoever rolls higher gets to pick which side of the debate they're on oh and then the other person gets to choose whether they go first or second

And then any of the five of us can talk?

Yeah.

Well, you're going to get a minute to speak.

90 seconds.

You're going to get 90 seconds to speak.

No, not each.

No, I just.

I think a minute's good.

90 seconds is longer than you think.

A minute then.

So this question comes to us from Lisby.

These questions were all.

This is Anthony talking, not Aaron O'Neal.

These questions were all taken from our Discord.

So thank you to the folks on our Discord who offered questions.

Dang, how do you get on the Discord?

No, you just have to pay $5 a month on our Patreon.

$5 a month on our Patreon to get access to our Discord and all of our great bonus content on our Patreon, much of which is better than the stuff on the main feed.

Go to vote.org first.

I just want to go to vote.org.

I mean, there are two tabs.

You have Chrome.

Yeah, yeah, you got tabs, bro.

Okay, so this comes from Lisby.

Lisby asks: Should the social code be amended to include coughs in things that we say bless you to?

The people are tired of not being sure if it's a cough or a sneeze, and it's so awkward to get it wrong.

Right.

Now we're going to roll.

I feel strongly.

Pick one person to roll on your team.

Daryl says he feels strong.

I feel strongly about it too, but I feel like my answer is going to be unpopular.

So I think Daryl says.

Well, I mean, we don't get to choose what side we're on.

I'm hoping we're on the right side.

Well, by rolling, you get to choose a side.

Yeah.

A D20 roll, you say.

18.

18.

Okay.

Scam and Tatty got a 10.

So you get to choose what side of the debate you would like to be on.

You're on the side of saying bless you too much.

I think we should be saying bless you to everything that's in the world.

I think it's a little bit more.

I was blessed with you, including coughs and more with the bless you.

Okay, but the question is not about.

Henry, the question is not about whether or not we should change the word bless you.

The question is whether or not you to more things.

That's a question.

Because it's like, we kind of come off in like a really kind of like pushy.

You have 10 seconds to do that.

Didn't you do speech and debate in like high school or something?

Obviously, yeah.

Oh, that's why I brought her.

No.

Because I didn't.

Daryl.

I'm going to trust you on this one.

Okay.

Cool.

So I got this?

Yeah.

You got it, Daryl.

I got it.

So Daryl's chosen your stance.

Now, Taddy, you get to decide whether we go first or second.

Second.

Yeah, she's smart.

So whenever you're ready, Daddy's, you have 60 seconds to explain why we should say bless you for costs as well as sneezes.

Remember to introduce yourself to the electric.

Blispin' the ball, you motherfucking gifts.

Hey, everybody.

My name's Daryl Wilson, but you don't need to worry about me.

Worry about my man, Walter, over here.

He deserves to be in the White House.

He deserves to get his dick sucked and have strawberries anytime he wants because he's the best dad I've ever known.

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

We're here to talk about,

oh, bless me, Darrell.

Bless me.

Now, you're all thinking, of course you'd say bless me.

But what if that was a cough or a sneeze or a burp?

You may be confused.

What are you supposed to say in a situation like that?

Why not just say bless you?

Say bless you all the time.

What's the wrong?

Thanks or non-stay or whatever.

It's already on the street.

Yeah, I don't know if we need to be bringing religion into this.

The Christian religion.

What?

20 seconds left.

And I yield the remainder of my time, but not the daddy's time.

Just Ron's time is yielded.

When in doubt, blessed out.

Daryl Dabs.

I don't remember being ready.

Okay.

From now on, I'm not going to roll for the audience's reaction because you, the audience listening, are the ones who are going to get to decide how this election turns out.

So once this episode is posted, you're going to be able to go onto our socials.

Probably all of them are going to link to the same Google form that I made where you're going to be able to vote for either the dads or scam and tatty.

And depending on which person wins, we'll have their victory speech on our socials after the victory.

Remember, votes matter.

I think it's pretty clear who's winning.

We've only heard one of the answers.

Most people only tune into the first 10 minutes of the debate.

You got to win the first 10 minutes.

And this is not a popularity contest.

We all know a man is way cooler than us.

Pick for the argument, not for who's cooler.

Yeah.

Okay.

Scam and tatty, your time starts now.

You have 60 seconds.

Go.

One of the things I love most about being from Fae Room, which I am, is the massive pluralistic society we formed here.

And basically, everyone's got a god or a goddess in their pocket helping them out, getting through the day.

So when you say bless you someone, it could mean anything from anyone, right?

Which is why it's really fucking dangerous to do.

We shouldn't do it no more.

Not only should we not say bless you for coughs, but maybe we should just stop saying bless you altogether and instead say say something that is welcoming and won't bring the wrath of the Fae or the deities or immortals down your head.

So how about we all try?

You're right there, fella.

Sorry?

You're right there, fella.

Kazu Tai.

You're right there, fella?

Oh, oh, that's what they were saying.

You're right there, fella.

Oh, yeah.

You all right there, fella?

Isn't that better?

Well, fella's a little gendered.

What about you all right there?

They're crumbling, crumbling.

You all right there?

Buddy,

cow, friends.

Really, anything can go at the end.

There's no one in the world.

There's a religion out of it.

Separation of church and steeze.

Hey, that was my argument.

Hey, how come my mic's muted?

None of the audience can hear me.

Oh, man.

Guys, I think we did okay on that one.

Do we get a rebuttal?

Yes, you get a 30-second rebuttal.

Oh, if you go first.

Yeah, we get a 30-second rebuttal, and I would just like to say from the bottom of my heart, bless you.

That wasn't a cough.

It wasn't a sneeze.

It was a big shit all over the debate floor.

That's right.

Your argument wasn't good.

It was a big poo-poo.

But we're saying, bless you anyway, because we have an inclusive blessing state where we say, hey, are you blessed?

And that's good.

I agree with Ron.

Blessed doesn't mean any religion.

When somebody says, hashtag blessed, I got a good cappuccino.

I'm not going to do it.

Walter.

Hey, Ron.

Our next debate.

Ron really changes up when he locks in.

Look at how Ron's got his leg up and like.

I got my leg up here because I found out that my mic was muted when I'm not speaking.

And then that made me sad.

Their next topic comes from Dr.

Frankenstein.

Thank you, Dr.

Frankenstein.

What's more important for the economy?

Dungeons or dragons?

All right, now roll easy 20.

What a great question.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, excuse me.

I think I got this.

14.

So we get to choose our stance first.

Yeah, yeah.

We've picked our stance.

It is dragons.

Now you get to choose whether you go first or second.

I'm glad we have dungeons.

Do we want to go first or second?

Second.

Always second.

Second.

Second, second, second.

Second.

Scam and tatty, your time starts now.

Dragons are beautiful creatures, ain't they?

We all love them, even if they're real scary a lot of the time.

One thing dragons do better than anything else is hoard treasure.

Gold, gems, what have you?

Wealth.

They are wealth creators.

And what do we know about dragon hordes?

There's going to be adventurers that are going after them.

That money trickles down into the adventuring economy.

Into your taverns, into your towns, into your armories.

It keeps people moving on the streets and going in and out and traveling.

And it means that there's always a golden ray of hope at the end of a long tunnel where, yeah, there might be a dragon, but if you can get past them, there's awful shitload of cash.

And what's the dragon without a dungeon?

Still pretty cool.

What's the dungeon without a dragon?

A cave.

Origin.

Shit, guys.

I yield the remainder of my time.

What do you think, Taddy?

I think we nailed it.

I mean, I would love to hear from Natural Dragon if you ever felt the need to stop by.

And we can always give that one we know a cult if we feel the need to.

But no, I feel comfortable.

I'd also like to remind everybody that the daddies dropped a pyramid on a town and killed hundreds of people.

Anyway, I yield my time.

All right.

Now you have a minute.

Whenever you're ready.

Hello.

My name is Daddy.

Three, two, one, go.

All right, your time's already going.

You're 30 o'clock.

You got got a center.

Hello, I'm Henry Oak.

I'm one of the cabinet members for the moral slash immortal slash such a great guy campaign.

And I would just like to say, where did the gold come from?

Did the dragons invent the gold?

No, the people mined the gold.

The people did the gold.

And the dragons fly in and they steal it.

They steal the wealth and hoard it because the dragons are the 1% who are taking and capturing all the wealth that could be used to improve the blowjob machines, to improve the strawberry fountains, to improve the infrastructure in Fayroad.

And I just want to say that I think these two are in league with the dragons.

I think they have dragons.

We got dragon friends.

Oh, you got dragon friends.

You know what?

My friends are in dungeons.

You know, the people have discounted or cast out, people that people aren't thinking about.

I'm thinking about them.

If you're in a dungeon right now, you can get out, maybe.

With the wealth from just one dragon horde, we can fund blowjob machines for everybody.

If the dragon is over, it's over.

It's over.

They're playing you off.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't doesn't matter.

All right, now we have 30 seconds to rebut.

Three, two, one, go.

I'll notice that dungeons did not enter into their story at all.

It was about humans versus dragons.

I'm not arguing that dragons are less likely to steal things than humans.

I think we could all agree on that.

That's a known fact.

There goes the dragon vote.

Humans are dirty thieves as much as dragons are any day of the week.

But the difference is human thieves don't really give you something to aspire to unless they're a true artist like me.

Yeah, we don't aspire to dragonhood at all, and you guys are wrong.

Dungeons are usually empty places full of traps, and the treasure can be really sort of hit or miss.

Dungeoneering creates jobs.

People create dungeons.

King is with your dragons.

No, I get to respond to it.

A dungeon with no treasure or the dragon without dungeons?

You're in the pocket of big dragon.

You're in the pocket of big dungeons.

Here we are.

And I like it because it's king.

We should be privatizing all the dungeons.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Keep it civil.

Gotcha.

Okay, sorry.

Quick huggle.

Guys, I think any question they ask us, we're going to lose on this one.

We got to do what politicians call pivot.

Every single time they ask a question, ignore what the question is.

Make it about how Walter deserves blowjobs and strawberries.

People like Walter.

They don't care about policy.

They care about the guy.

We got to sleep with Walter.

He's not really well.

Look at who he is.

Look at who he's a little bit.

He's on the podophiles.

Payton.

Why?

I'm your

payton violence.

We know they're a voting block, but we're just going to ignore them.

That's why they become a problem.

The next topic is from Mountain Drew.

Thank you, Mountain Drew.

Mountain Drew asks, if you had to let your daughter go to prom with King Kong or Godzilla, who would you want her to go with and why?

Seems like a dragon question.

This is the one I was talking about.

This is a trap.

This is, we pivot this to Walter.

Okay?

This one we pivot to Walter 100%.

I hear you.

Ron, do you?

Because the last few questions have seemed pretty aggressive.

No, I hear you for 100%.

Guys, I don't know if we should let Ron answer this.

No,

I know I have a good pinch.

Okay, Ron's got this.

Let's roll these twice first.

All right.

We roll a 14.

We rolled a 15.

Okay.

What's our stance on King Kong or Godzilla?

Do we know what they are?

I guess we could play it that we don't know what they are if you want.

I mean, I don't know.

I feel like we're sort of like interdimensional hopping.

Yeah, we would know stuff.

Yeah.

We would be able to tell.

We're choosing King Kong.

Okay.

Would you like to go first or second?

We'll go first.

Okay.

When you're ready, three, two, one, go.

When it comes to the question of whether I want my daughter to be taken to the prom by King Kong or Godzilla, that's a stupid question because I don't have a daughter.

I have a beautiful stepson, a son, Terry Jr., that I love dearly.

And when you first meet me, you may think he's not a very good stepdad.

Maybe he's got issues.

Maybe he doesn't know how to fix oatmeal.

But then when you learn about my tragic backstory and how good of a friend I am and how good of a stepdad I can be, then you.

And then, and I'm pivoting, I'm pivoting.

And then, and Godzilla is hotter, literally.

And then, Walter deserves a blowjob from whoever machine wants to.

And if King Kong or Godzilla gave Walter a blowjob, he would be so grateful.

And not many people practice gratitude these days.

Meditation helps me immensely when I think about how much I love my son.

The point is, we beat Medicare.

Ron, Ron, I have a question.

Yeah.

Do you know where we are?

Sorry, that's it.

All right.

Now,

after this, you should, we can all talk.

It sounds like you got a lot going on, but we got focused on Walter.

Yeah.

That's exactly what I did.

And I'm glad to serve my

frog.

All right.

Three, two, one.

We go.

You want to know that tragic backstory?

King Kong's got a tragic backstory.

And he still managed to really go out of his way to take care of a special lady.

So it makes sense to me that if you were gonna have your kid go problem with either King Kong or a giant turtle dinosaur, you choose King Kong.

He cares about women's issues, just like we do.

Had the daddies mentioned women even once?

I don't think they have.

Only to clarify that they don't got no daughters, only sons.

And they're only men.

Also, you know what?

Used to be a man is fucking Walter.

Yeah, and then he turned into a frog.

Are you a frog or are you a man?

But you're a man.

I guess he's a frog now.

You're a frog now.

I guess you're a frog.

That's right.

Come on.

That's crazy.

She's within her minute, so I don't, there's nothing I can do.

Well, you're just gonna lock it up.

Also, most frogs and toad-like people have plowacres and nothing that can actually really be sucked in what would be called a blowjob.

So, I don't know if Walter can really make the most use out of that room anyway.

We do live fact checking.

No, we don't do that.

We leave that to the audience to decide.

All right, our time is up.

Can we respond?

Yeah, you have 30 seconds.

My name is Daryl Wilson, but again, you don't need to worry about me.

You just need to worry about our friend Walter.

And here's the thing: he's having us answer this question because he's never even thought about that question.

He would never even think to ask, who should I allow my daughter to go out with?

She's got her own agency and her whole thing.

What Walter cares about is being there to support her, whether the date goes poorly or well, and just listen to her at the end of the day.

And you know what would be great if he had a nicer house to sit down and listen to his daughter.

And maybe, you know what?

All I'm saying is that if you go for him, he'll let all of you come to his house.

Blow drop a scene for everyone.

Did the audience hear that?

Did they cut my mic?

Did they cut your mic?

Also, Godzilla is not definitively a million.

You're over your time.

You're over your time.

Can we get a sense of how the audience is feeling?

No, because the audience is the people listening to this right now.

Hey, audience, how are you feeling?

Hey, audience.

He wants you to hit us up on our socials.

Let us know how you're feeling.

This should be a good time for you to go over to vote.org and see if you're registered to vote.

In the first election,

not in this one.

Because I think we're going to lose this one.

So whatever.

Maybe stop listening right now.

Go to vote.org.

And if you feel like scam is winning, just go focus on that.

Our next question comes from Bond 007.5.

Holy shit, really?

James Bond?

James fucking Bond?

007.5.

He's slightly better than that.

Guys, don't embarrass me on this question.

This is the real James Bond.

You are given 10,000 gold and made immortal.

The only thing that can kill you is a hyper-intelligent snail that always knows where you are.

How do you survive?

All right.

So this one isn't a clear stance or anything.

So we're just going to roll to see who goes first.

I got a 14.

Fucking idiot.

I got a nine.

All right.

So we get to choose.

Do we go first or second?

Stakes feel really low here, so at first.

Okay.

Sure, fine.

Well, you know, I don't know about you, Scam, but I think if I had that much money, I would spend a little bit of time going around finding the right sorcerer for the job and getting me a fancy suit made out of pure salt.

Good luck, snail.

How about you, Scam?

Brilliant.

I wouldn't have never thought of a suit of salt.

That's the kind of go-forward thinking that you want in the White House these days.

That's me.

I'm a little scamp with plans for the future.

Frankly, since I'll be living in the White House, I feel like I'll just surround the White House with salt.

I'll have somebody, I'll have the witch come by and sort of do regular salt replenishment.

Also, I can hover, so that's cool.

He's not going to be able to get me if I hover.

What else?

Yeah, the dads lost their kids.

They're pretty bad at keeping hold of their kids.

Isn't that weird?

Do you want them to have the responsibility of taking care of a whole house?

I don't know if I would.

I yield the remainder of my time.

Okay, quickly.

Talk about love, right?

Yeah, and don't let them talk about us.

I feel like they haven't heard from Glenn a lot yet.

I feel like

this is kind of up your alley, like Zaney schemes with a bunch of of money.

And go ahead and say something good.

And maybe do something like the we're going to spend the money on the economy.

And they're going to name people like that.

And why'd they assume the snail is love?

Why'd they assume the snail is bad?

There's probably some snails in the audience.

Like, that was they fucked up.

I know cats speak animals.

I can talk to the snails.

Maybe mention that.

Got it.

Three, two, one.

Go.

In order to defeat this snail, I would simply get on a boat.

The end.

The boat in the ocean, which is full of salt water, would keep the the snail at bay.

You know what else is keeping crime at bay?

Walter the immoral.

Walter, by being in the White House and by showing off his cool style and cool moves, will lower crime and increase education.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

30 seconds.

No, he's slow.

Be confident.

Damn, hit the stab.

And you know who...

is sitting here scheming about killing snails, empowering dark magics to protect them?

Walter needs no dark magic to protect him.

He is a friend to all and deserves to have his dick sucked 24-7, 365 days a year.

Meanwhile, Scam Likely is making plans to do the same thing with the dick sucking machine, but he doesn't deserve it.

So, you know?

Time.

That was really good.

Glenn, you're an activist.

I think I have a career in politics

in my future.

3-2-1, here goes my rebuttal.

You're forgetting that the snail is super intelligent and you're going to need food and clothes and stuff delivered to you with some regularity.

So the snail will just sneak onto that boat.

Shut up, it's my time.

I will fish.

Shut up, bouncy.

My time.

The snail is going to sneak onto that boat.

You're going to need fresh water.

The snail's going to sneak onto a boat and get to you eventually.

No, you don't know so much about the snail's plans.

I think you're in league with the snails.

It's a hyper-intelligent snail.

I believe snails have the intelligence to do whatever they want.

Yeah, while you're utilizing snails, you might think snails aren't capable of that, but I know.

I think snails are very capable.

I just want to circle back to the thing about the snails.

I know that we've moved on to a new question, but I want to focus more on the snails yeah what you think about rom because i i think it's about raw and i think that she's saying that this snail is hyper intelligent i know i look in the snail's eyes and i'm like you know everything about me and that and that means that you you can love me i'm not talking about like sex blowjob love i'm talking about like the melding of two minds and a heart and i i just think that like i would appreciate the snail esther ron's mic was off for that time so just cut all that

Our next question is from Biblio Brie.

Biblio Brie asks, is it okay to eat leftover food of visually good quality off another group's table when at a restaurant after they leave?

Let's roll.

I, Freddie, have thought about this a lot.

All right, go ahead and roll.

We rolled a two.

We rolled a ten.

Shit.

Oh, yeah, you take that food.

Okay.

Say the question again.

Yeah, I'll say the question again.

Is it okay to eat leftover food of visually good quality off another group's table when at a restaurant?

Yeah.

Yeah, eating Eating it at the restaurant.

Whenever they leave, I assume.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

But eating it at the restaurant, not taking it home and eating it in shame.

Dude, when I

say you're at a table, can you eat their food?

Like, that doesn't mean that you have to eat the food there.

I feel like you have to.

I think it depends on how you define what eat means.

I think that's what we're debating.

Okay.

We're team.

Yes, it's okay.

Okay.

Damn it.

And you get to choose, are you first or second?

I'm going to eat it all the time.

Wait, did you bro?

I had like half sandwiches left over where I worked, and I'd be like, yeah, I'm taking that home.

Oh, I think if you're a server, it's absolutely open open season for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Servers get first dibs.

That'll be our

we heard that.

So

no, our mics were off.

That's true.

Yeah, I can't have it both ways.

Okay, so are you going first or second?

Okay, hold on, hold on.

We want to go second.

Okay.

I got a good one.

Can I do it?

Yeah.

I'm going to be really short.

So either we can just let the time kind of ride or you guys can jump in.

But I think this one's going to be a good question.

Maybe we should go first.

Yeah, let's go first.

Because then we get to rebuttal.

Then we get to respond.

We would like to go first.

We'll go first.

We'd like to go first.

Okay.

You have 60 seconds starting now.

Go ahead, Daryl.

Hi, everybody.

I just want to say that this question, don't even think about it.

Because when Walter's in the White House, whether or not you should eat food off of somebody's plate will be a question of the past.

You will all have more food than you have now because when Walter's in the White House, the society will just be better, like Glenn said.

It'll be great.

Crime will be down.

Food on all the plates.

The end.

You know what I was just thinking about, Daryl?

What's up, Rob?

If we go first, we can take what their position says.

No, that's not allowed.

And we're smart.

Everybody says, I'm going to take that away from you.

You guys have to have more time because I think it's pretty good.

We're going to have more time because we fucking crush it.

Because this audience has more things to do than listen to us yammer on about food they don't have to be worried about because they're going to have so much of it.

You're about to hear our opponents talk about why it's okay to eat table scraps because that's the vision for our society that scam likely has.

And what is a society

where there's not enough food to go around.

And so whatever they say, remember that that's really their agenda.

It sounds like four dads have never known what it's like to be hungry.

Unlike me and Scam over here, we've had to have table scraps more times than I like to admit myself.

Started from the bottom, now we're here.

And we're loving it, and we're loving life.

And we want to share that love in the White House with all of you.

When we have parties, you're going to be able to have all the food that we have.

They're promising the same thing that I am.

The only difference is they're looking down their noses at you.

Also, food waste is horrible.

And lots of people go to restaurants or lots of food and then they don't finish it.

And then other people should be able to eat it because it's not bad it's just food should be used it's important to have respect for people that don't have the ability to just toss food away as if it's nothing and also i think scam it's really important to acknowledge that we decided to answer this question in good faith because that's what the people of fabrin wanted us to do and we respect their wishes faith faith well

i have a good one three two one thirty seconds While scam likely in this room, mate, we'll talk about food.

Walter has worked in many bullywugs as a cook in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Scam Nike is staging photo op campaigns.

I don't think that's true.

Working in the kitchen to try and get you to understand, to try and make a difference.

Do you think everyone who works out bullywogs is a bullywug?

No.

Because that's pretty rhythmist.

I think what my friend Gladys tries to say,

I gotta say, I respect and feel awful for the experience.

But one more thing.

Dragons are the number one food stealers, and these two are pro-dragon.

The reason reason why you've got to eat scrap is because dragons are swooping into our villages.

They're coming across the borders, and they're swooping into our villages and stealing all the sheep.

And we gotta, and Matt, and they're pro-dragon, and we're not.

Their mics are cut.

Cut all that, Esther.

Let's see.

This is a

pretty brutal one from Matt, not Matt.

Matt with two T's, not Matt with one T.

Okay.

I think the daddies have done far more damage to Faeroom than the alleged scam likely.

Uh-oh.

Why should we trust the daddies?

At least with Scam Likely, if his name is true, he's honest about scamming us.

Which side of this one do you guys want want to take?

15.

All right, you get to choose whether to go first or second because I think the sides are pretty obvious.

No, we could eight miles.

No, no, we could change our sides.

We should eight miles.

We should eight miles.

We should eight miles.

There's eight miles.

Did we say everything bad?

Yeah, dump the opposite.

Yeah, we have done bad for favorite.

And that's why Walter's so good and generous because he's bringing us in.

A pyramid?

We dropped a pyramid.

Okay, so you're choosing your stances anti-dads.

Well, anti-dads.

Okay, so

dads are worse than scam likely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

You guys get to go go first.

Yeah, I guess you're going to get this train wreck first.

Your minute starts now.

We suck.

That's right.

We suck.

We suck.

Yeah.

Look, this isn't about us getting a house.

We don't deserve blowjobs or strawberries, but it's not about us.

No, never.

And we've done terrible, terrible things.

And who hasn't?

Yes.

Walter is the answer to that.

Yes.

Walter took on this child without even...

He did.

He's my dad.

Walter saved this child from us, the worst fathers in Fairun.

We're so lost.

We lost our kids.

Whoops, they're gone.

And we're trying to find them.

And instead of looking for him right now, we're doing this debate.

Go ahead.

Tell them something they don't know about me.

Look, you know, sometimes people just want to vote for a guy who's really obviously bad.

Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes that's the guy that wins.

And, you know, that's who we are.

We're the really bad guy in this race who says all the bad stuff and you can't get mad at him because you already know he's really bad.

And that's the position we're taking.

But Walter is good.

But Walter is good.

Our minute starts now.

First of all, we've never done anything bad.

One of the big things that matters about being bad is never admitting you did anything bad.

Yeah, I never done nothing wrong in my whole life.

Me neither.

Can't pin me on that.

No.

Secondly, oh, yeah, they're talking about Walter, not the daddies.

Who do you think is the first group of people that Walter's gonna invite into that White House?

Would you like to be standing outside the White House waiting for your turn to come in on the blowjob machine, only for a pyramid to fall on your head?

That would never happen with Scam and Taddy in the White House.

Let me tell you what.

Taddy, take it away.

The dads are an unstoppable force of destruction that don't give a fingle fuck about a people of they run unlike us we loves ya not just cause we want you to see you to you we're from here not them because we live for scamming and we can't scam if we don't have you fine folks out there to do it with and we always go back community have a bit of fun with you yeah and we'll pay it back tenfold when we're in the white house but these fuckers no if it comes down to their kids or you they're gonna choose their kids every time yeah again also not from here they're They're coming over the border.

They're just going to bounce.

They're illegal immigrants.

Guys, you got to choose.

You have 30 seconds of rebuttal.

Henry.

Pull me back.

If I go too far, pull me back.

But it's time to activate Dark Henry.

Henry eats a piece of beef jerky.

His eyes turn roll over in his head.

He says, Three, two,

one.

The pyramid never happened.

That was fake news.

That never happened.

No one ever dropped a pyramid.

That was a conspiracy.

And yeah, we're bad, but you know what?

We're honest.

You know who we are.

They're liars.

They're phonies.

You can't trust them.

And you know, sometimes you need a worse guy to take care of the bad guys who you know.

Who come on, give me a break with these guys, these two, this fucking scamster and this person.

They're bad.

They're bad news and they suck.

And you can trust us to be bad, but you can't trust them to do anything because they're weak.

We may be bad, but they're weak.

Walter, take the mic.

Henry's time.

Henry, I don't think you should have done that.

I don't think you should have done that, Henry.

Henry, Henry is fucking weak.

You know what?

Screw all of you.

Oh, no.

No, Henry.

Someone give me a hummus pack I need.

I tossed you a power bar.

I eat the power bar and break down in tears.

Oh, no.

Next question is from Sparrow.

Your ass is grass.

I have places to be.

What are you going to do about people who walk slowly in front of me?

Hmm.

All right.

Are you going to have to beat an 18?

Three.

What's our stance?

I mean, it would be helpful to know what race she is, if she has

powers.

Like, it's a very sort of open-ended.

What fantasy race?

I see.

Okay.

Hot mic, hot mic.

People heard that.

The people heard you talking about how race the person was.

Wolves are tall.

Orcs are beefy.

If she's a halfling, this this is a legitimate problem everyone deserves to walk the speed that they want regardless of race how about leg length how about length of your legs wait hold on hold on we have to pick a stance first our stance anyway anyway well i mean it's kind of an open question it's not necessarily open okay then in that case we get to answer first or second you want first or second second you guys get to go first you have 60 seconds starting

Henry, what are you going to do?

No, it's okay.

I'm not dark Henry.

No, Henry.

What?

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Henry.

Hi, everyone.

Henry Oak here.

I'd like to apologize for my last answer.

I just, you know, the stress of this election.

I'm not switching out of nowhere.

The stress of this election has just really been getting to me, but there's no excuse for just caving into the worst impulses in your dark, dark heart.

I just want to say that in our society and Walter's society, you won't have anywhere to go because everything will be great.

And you'll have to stop and smell the roses.

And it'll be walkable cities.

And why, you know, I read this really interesting article about 15-minute cities.

Imagine a big road, and next to that road, another big road.

And and you can go whatever pace you're going.

There's a road for you.

There's all many roads under Walter's Roadship Initiative.

When Walter's in the White House, free rollerblades to anybody who wants them.

I feel like you guys still don't really understand what the deal with the White House is, but Walter will make it happen

because Walter will be so blissed out from getting blown every day.

Post-nut clarity will result in real solutions.

Everybody's on their own path.

Pick a road for you.

Fuck.

Let me start off.

Sure.

Three, two, one, go.

Oh, you know what a 15-minute city is?

It's a city that only lasts 15 more minutes when the daddies show up in it and cause chaos and drop a fucking pyramid on everybody.

It's real pyramid.

We can't keep dodging the pyramid thing.

Now, regarding walking in front of walls, what do we think?

Here's the thing.

Everybody in Fyrun is so different.

If you're a half-length, you're real small, but you've got big feet.

If you're an elf, you're real tall and you skinny.

If you're an orc, you're just real big all over.

You take up a lot of space.

We as Faironians have to be able to observe the people around us and make space for them.

And if someone's not going to do that, then you rob them and you go around them.

That's my take.

Rob them and go around them if they won't fucking move.

Yes, having a two-tier system where firstly you default to being polite and allowing them the space they need.

And then secondly, if that doesn't work, you rob them.

Case closed.

We'll do the remainder of our time.

Baby.

All right.

Do you have 30 seconds to respond?

I got this.

I got three.

Daryl.

Go.

Go, Daryl.

One, 30 seconds.

Oh, sorry.

Am I on?

I was just quickly, I just got a little, I was just looking at this newspaper here.

It seems that this is irrelevant, but 95% of pedophiles support you too.

Anyways,

sorry, what were we talking about?

I was just really disgusted by that fact.

I'm sure the audience would be disgusted by that fact, too.

In fact, if I had to walk anywhere, it would be walking scam likely right to prison for supporting the pedophilia.

That's all I have to say.

That's your time.

Scam's not going to respond to that because Trump never did.

Josh Zellers asks, should dogs be able to vote?

We got a 16.

Yes.

Yes.

We got a 16.

You have to roll higher than that to choose your position.

Three.

Is our position yes?

Obviously.

Okay, yeah.

We choose yes.

You have to choose no.

Oh, easy.

Now, are you going first or second?

We'll go second.

Okay.

All right.

Our time starts in three, two, one, go.

Of course.

All dogs are good dogs.

All gods are dudes.

All dogs are good dogs.

Not all gods are good gods.

All gods are definitely good gods.

Especially here in Fayrin, where some of you can talk.

Am I right?

That's what I'm talking about.

You're just as sentient and intelligent as anybody else.

You deserve a vote in this system.

Now the dads are going to have to tell you that you don't deserve to vote.

That's pretty messed up.

The dads are going to tell you you're bad dogs.

And we think that should be illegal.

No, you're good dogs.

It's illegal to have a bad attitude towards a good dog, don't you think?

I say bad dads.

Bad dads make naughty pumpkins.

Fuck it.

That's our time.

36 seconds.

That's all we needed.

Smoked guys.

What are you going to do?

I thought you said you had something.

Every time Amanda shows up, you guys

fucking obliterate.

Now it's the dog snarling.

Henry snatches a jerky.

No, don't you jerk you.

All right, go.

Dogs are wolves.

Wolves kill people.

Wolves are bad.

Dogs are only here because of our bread.

That's what turned wolves into dogs, because we gave them bread, right?

That's why they're nice now.

But the second we run out of bread, the dogs are going to happen.

Henry, I think, Henry, Henry, I think dogs here are like people.

That's the problem.

Dogs, dogs?

We got straight.

You just called them wolves.

I saw a movie called Zootopia, and in that movie, there were two classes of people.

There were the predators who were now, it was complicated in the movie.

I disagree.

I disagree.

Dogs, go on, vote if you want to.

I'll be on scams team for this if you want.

You have to come over to my side now.

You're on scam's team now.

Okay, well, yeah, If a dog wants to vote, I say let him.

Let him vote.

He's a good boy, and he's got good opinions.

I think fast.

If you said Ron, good job.

All right, so that's your time.

Now Ron is on Scam Likely's team.

You cannot get him back.

Okay, teleports to our side of the stage.

Yeah, you tell Ron to teleport to our side of the stage.

Okay.

We have 30 seconds to rebut.

Ron's exactly like fucking Nixon in that JFK debate, but it's all pallid and sweaty.

I'm fucking tongue.

So I will, let me be clear.

That no, no, the dogs are wolves.

What I meant was that, well, wolves are very noble and they're, well, you know,

they're just, you know, sort of.

For our 30 seconds, I'm not even going to speak.

I'm going to leave the words to a former daddy who has now seen the light named Ron Stampler.

Ron, why do you think dogs should be able to vote again?

You got a chance here.

That's great.

Yes.

I'm so glad to be representing the team of Scam Likely.

Scam cares about dogs because he would kill every other thing ever if he were in the white teleport back to your side god damn it you can see that the daddies are duplicitous double-faced liars yeah at least you know we're scamps we tell y'all up front don't we tell you we're scamps anyway everyone knows wolves and dogs are real different come to this party is ron still on your side no no he went back as i said after a single issue vote fuck can we talk to walter real fast what's up guys i think you fucking did up

real fast

some pretty big favors my dudes yeah i gotta say i'm a little surprised because it sounded like this was just about which one of you deserved to go to this cool house.

But they're asking us a lot of tough questions, including who I was prepared.

You're in the audience, Walter.

Are the dogs mad at me?

He's going to roll perception.

They're living at you.

Walter, they're fucking Steam.

They're already tweeting.

They're already talking to their merch on their shoulders.

Walter, I got a question for you.

How did you win the primary?

Like, what was your like, what was your closing message for that day when they all voted?

Like, why do people like you?

I did free pizza parties every Monday.

Why did you like

on stage, Walter.

Come on.

I'm tired out here.

I'm calling dogs, wolves.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah, we could.

I shouldn't be running for anything.

We could have said dogs don't need a vote because they got free pizza all the time because Walter already promised that.

You've been pushing a pro-pizza party agenda this whole time, and now you're just telling me with five minutes left of the debate, Walter.

Come on.

I only barely won.

I thought it was a risky strategy.

I didn't want to undermine you.

Walter, honestly, I don't know if you deserve this house, but we're going to give it our best shot.

Why?

You've just been sitting here quietly the whole time.

We're sweating up here.

I don't want to make a mistake and screw myself over.

I'm nervous.

Scam Luglin's talking in front of the people.

I think Walter should answer the next question.

Walter is answering.

Walter, you're the one they love.

It's got to be you.

Okay.

Fine.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Final question comes from Bibliobree.

Oh, they got two questions.

Lucky them.

Bibliobri simply says three words, pineapple on pizza.

I roll

11.

What do you roll?

Walter's team rolls a two.

Okay, so we roll an 11.

We get to choose.

Yeah, whatever you want.

Yeah, whatever you want.

So Walter seems going to have to argue that you can't put pineapple on pizza.

Do you want to go first or second?

Walter, what do you want to do?

Remember, this is your big chance to talk about this.

This is a perfect segue

for this one.

For your pro-pizza party platform.

Okay, I guess I'll go first.

All right, you got this, but you got it.

All right, here we go.

First of all, I'd like to thank the castle for allowing us to use this space for the pizza.

I'd like to acknowledge each and every one of you for allowing us to come in.

That's not something Scam has done.

But I want to say quickly that pizza is an interesting topic because every single Monday for free, you'll all be able to come into the White House and have as much pizza as you want.

There we go.

Now, there will not be pineapple available.

And I have to say this because a lot of people are allergic to pineapple.

So we can't cross-contaminate the pizza with that because I care about your health.

If you want pineapple on its own, that's great.

You'll just have to bring your own.

It's just not going anywhere on my pizza personally.

We will also have vegan pizzas, gluten-free pizzas.

I'm here to make the party as fun as it can be for everybody.

Whereas my opponents are going to tell you that, oh, all pizza is good pizza.

No, there are bad pizzas, and I'm just not going to serve them.

They're going to serve all kinds of crap and call it pizza because they're scammers.

They're going to give you a tire, a rubber tire, and say, Oh, it's a rubber pizza.

They're going to screw you over.

Scam likely sucks.

All right.

What the fuck were we doing this whole time?

Why are we talking about this?

Trad rubber pizza is already trending worldwide.

And that's completely great.

Walter, yeah.

Walter, this is a lesson in confidence.

I guess you don't need us.

Walter, your last act, your rebuttal, fire all of us.

Oh, educated.

Yeah,

you'll never see us again.

I don't think they'll be able to.

Say it because I'm a businessman, and a businessman does not belong in the White House.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, wow.

Henry, so we have a minute to argue that you should put pineapple on pizza, starting now.

Do whatever you like.

Yeah, whatever.

It's just food.

If it makes you happy, eat it.

Although, I do have to say, I personally really like the idea of a rubber pizza, so good on you.

Well, that was pretty good.

Yeah, weird to shit on other people's tastes.

There are some species in Fae Roon that love to eat rubber.

Are you not wanting them to come to your house party?

What about gemstones?

Do gemstones not go on pizza's?

Because I'll bet I could find you a bunch of dragon folkborn that would love somebody.

Oh, yeah, because dragons don't come to your party either.

Will they go with the dragons?

I didn't know you were out at the party.

Dragon born is big-sized dragons, you idiot.

What a shame.

Fuck off back where you came from.

Oh, we're going to have every type of pizza.

Walter's right.

We are going to have every type of pizza at our party because we want every type of Fairunian to show up.

I'm going to do it at least three days a week.

At least three days.

Just Monday?

Woof.

Wouldn't want to be you.

Yeah, that's enough for us.

Yeah, I find them pretty good.

All right, I got 30 seconds to rebutton.

You got this, this, Walter.

All right, remember, throw us under the bus.

Yeah.

Scam likely learned everything from these four men.

Oh, no.

They have been secretly backing him.

Wait.

Like the Koch brothers from the beginning.

And for that very reason, I am disassociating myself from them.

You can't do that.

You're just like the dogs who are really wolves.

All those racist things are just them saying it.

Sorry, Scald.

I'm sorry.

They throw it out.

I love dogs.

I love dragons.

I love everything.

What do we do now, Scam?

Every bad thing you thought about my my campaign?

Just them.

Thank you.

What do we do now, scam?

Yes, you're paying us.

Yes, Scam.

You didn't even get to talk about all the other evil stuff you wanted to do.

Your mic's off.

I'm sorry.

They didn't hear that part.

Aaron O'Neill looks at both of you and says,

Candidates, I would like to thank you for the time you've given us here today.

Thank you, Aaron.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Aaron.

Oh, I guess the other ones aren't going to thank you.

We're not the candidates.

We're not going to be able to get any more with you.

You're running mates, so you are candidates.

No, we got fired.

We're not on the ticket anymore.

That's fair.

Thank you, Aaron.

Jim Dunne is disqualified.

Well, yeah, actually, yeah, now Walter's going to be a bit more.

Wayne's still on the ticket.

There's still one.

He fired the four of us.

Yeah, baby.

It's me.

Me.

Glenn.

Won't you want us to be in the White House?

You can hear a lot of conversations like this.

Glenn.

Cast mass suggestion.

That

scam likely hired us and that he's a bad guy.

Yeah, Glenn.

And he's trying to salvage

you if you were at home are gonna roll a wisdom saving throw to see if you fell for Glenn's math suggestion task on our system and factor that into your vote here's the course of activity Glenn suggests to the listener vote for Walter

and I magically influence up to 12 creatures

Okay, I'm going to reach out to 12 people on our Discord privately, randomly.

And each of you are going to have to roll with them standing.

And that's a word.

Yes.

To see if you can resist Len's mass suggestion.

And again, it probably won't change anything because you're going to clearly vote for the daddies in the first place.

As we all know, this race could not be closer.

And it's all going to come down to turnout.

The margins are going to be super, super small.

It could come down to 12 votes in February or in America, which is why you should go to vote.org and remember to fucking check your registration to vote.

Gosh darn it.

Yeah, honestly.

That's kind of all we have to say is go vote.

I mean, fucking vote for Kamala.

Like, don't be an asshole.

Yeah, she's a cop.

Yeah, she's not great on the genocide in Gaza, but Trump actively wants it to happen and he will make it worse.

Fucking vote for Kamala.

What do you, what's wrong with you?

You're listening to us and you were like, hmm, should I vote for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, you should.

Why haven't you registered already?

Jesus.

There's not even ads on this episode.

That's how much it matters to us.

And we live in California.

We're totally exempt from anything bad that's going to happen.

So anyway, thank you so much for listening.

Please head to vote.org to check your voter registration and, you know, vote by mail if you can.

Even if you think you're already registered to vote, a lot of...

Always double check.

There's been a lot of purges of voter registration.

So please check again and make absolutely sure.

And in all seriousness, Donald Trump and his Project 2025 overlords want to ban abortion, roll back protections for LGBTQ people and round up immigrants by the millions and put them into detention camps.

This race could not be more important.

It could not be closer.

Your vote could not matter more.

So if you care about women's rights, if you care about LGBTQ rights, if you care about human rights, democracy, our fucking planet, you need to vote.

And you need to vote for Kamala Harris.

Please vote in your local elections as well.

With a faint reminder that if Trump does win, we probably won't have very many local elections anymore.

So

maybe just consider.

How often do you get to say, I voted in the last presidential election in American history?

So make sure you do, just in case.

All right.

Thank you so much for listening to us.

Thank you, Amanda, for coming on and

for the next time.

Everyone is joining us once again.

And thank you,

thank you, America.

To our founding father.

And with that, we yield the remainder of our time.