DADHAMMER 40,000

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You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

series set in the Warhammer universe.

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For more than a hundred centuries, the Emperor has sat immobile on the golden throne of Earth.

He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of millions of worlds.

He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods and master of the million of worlds.

You should keep all this in and then keep stopping the music.

We'll get a good voice actor to do it.

For more than a hundred centuries, the Emperor has sat immobile on the golden throne of Earth.

He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods, and master of the million worlds by the might of inexhaustible armies.

He is a rotting carcass, writing invisibly with power from the dark age of technology.

He is the carrion lord of the Imperium, to whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, and for whom blood is drunk and flesh eaten.

To be a person in such times is to be one amongst untold trillions.

It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable.

This

is a tale.

of these times.

If you wish to take part in this adventure, prepare yourself now.

Forget the power of technology, science, and common humanity.

Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for there is no peace amongst the stars.

Only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsty gods.

The universe is a big place, and whatever happens, you will not be missed.

This is Dad Hammer 40k!

Welcome to the first episode of Dad Hammer 40K.

This is a three-episode miniseries featuring new characters, a new world, a new rule set, and a new DM.

Me, Matt,

DM, a new DM, me.

DMing in the new DM.

I'm the claimed player of Daryl Wilson and many other

PCs.

How y'all doing?

Now it feels like you're looking at your dick here.

It feels kind of weird, honestly.

Matt's got a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step and a bulge in his pants right now.

Wow.

Just excited to play.

Okay, well, Matt is fully manspread as he's recording this, by the way.

I've never seen two legs spread farther apart than Matt Arnold has them right now.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, speaking of that new stance, we are also using a new system.

Nice.

That's why he's the best.

We are using the new, well, newer Warhammer system developed by Cubicle 7 Games.

It's called Wrath and Glory.

I'll try to explain the rules as they come up.

The primary thing for those of you who are used to Dungeons and Dragons is to realize that we do not have any D20s, no D8s, no D10s, no 12s, no 4s.

Those foul, heretical shapes of dice.

We use only D6s in this, and your skills and everything require you to roll a certain number of D6s.

One side for each son of the emperor?

How many sons do you have?

Oh, William.

Oh, William, you really shit.

There are 20 sons, but only 18.

But two we do not destroy.

Two sons.

No, there's nine.

One for each of the six six bravest sons.

They're all brave.

Oh, William.

They're all very brave.

All the ones who are loyal were brave.

Truly, six of them must be the bravest.

Oh, William, if you had read, as Matt has, all 50, how many books of the Siege of Terror there are 64, 65 horse heresy books?

Again, you know, not going to be the most rules-heavy, but more or less, we'll be rolling a bunch of D6s rather than one of another dice.

And otherwise, they should more or less play the same as what we normally do, which is these guys will, I'm sure, just fuck around.

And every once in a while, I'll make them roll dice and they will live or die.

Let us begin with your lot in life.

It is truly, utterly pathetic, even by the wretched standards of the Imperium of Mankind.

You do not live beneath the holy shadow of the Imperial Palace on Terra, nor do you fight with honor on the front lines of the the Sabbath Crusade.

Oh, crap.

You don't even reside in one of the billions of hive cities scattered across the vast expanse of the Imperium.

No, you, my friends, live on a solitary outpost with a hundred other damned souls on the remote dwarf planet Navis 4, and your entire life's purpose is to pick bloodberries.

Bloodberry plants are twisted, weed-like brambles that cover every inch of your planet in a thick, three-foot carpet of thorns.

If you push your way through the dense thicket, fighting past the razor-sharp thorns and enduring the acid they secrete, you begin the grueling task of harvesting the crimson berries wedged within the fibrous stems.

It would seem madness to endure the sweat and blood required to harvest these foul-smelling berries if it were not for the fact that they provide the exact hue of red needed for the sacred capes of the Minotaurs, one of the fiercest space marine chapters.

I mean, they don't have like synthetic dyes.

It's gotta be the exact color of the blood berries, and so you harvest them.

For failing to meet the Imperial provided quota would mean certain death.

And you made this up?

I made this up.

This is really good.

No, I do.

I mean it.

Okay.

Fortunately, these berries also provide just enough nutrition to keep you all alive.

Necessary considering there's nothing else on this desolate planet, and the Imperium delivers your rations once every few years.

Rations, man.

They're rations in the Imperium pretty.

Unfortunately, the berries are also mildly poisonous.

Not enough to kill you, but enough to make vomiting a daily ritual for the citizens of Navis 4.

Though, it is less severe now, as a chemical process was discovered a few years ago to neutralize the poison.

As a side effect, however, the berries become a potent diuretic.

That's right!

Spewing your guts from your mouth or or your butt is the only choice the God Emperor has provided you on Navis 4.

So basically, we work and eat at a TGI Fridays.

Yes.

So you're saying the toilet paper budget is huge.

I mean, wherever you vomit, it's a mess in there.

And they say the God Emperor doesn't give with both.

Now, welcome to a normal day on Navis 4.

You all woke up at 4.30 in the morning as required by the screeching cries.

How many hours a day are there on Navis 4?

There are 20.

24.

What coincidence?

Nine.

29.

Yeah.

And only five hours of darkness.

Oh, no.

Don't ask how that works.

It just does.

There's only five hours of darkness and 224 hours of day.

Like,

so we work a 24-hour shift.

You work a 25-hour shift.

You sleep three hours a day and you have one hour to eat on Navis 4.

But you're all used to it.

Yep.

But we get up at 4 a.m.

because we're on that grind.

No, because there's a single shift.

Yeah, do we have any side hustles?

Yes.

Prefector Sigma Grind Set is actually here.

Enough.

Stop the chattering.

Enough.

So out across the muddy excuse for a town square, there's a single metallic administratum building.

It's very different from all the other buildings because, unlike it being covered in trash and whatnot, it is clad in an ornate gold engravings giving honor to the Imperium and the Emperor.

The voice came from a feeble old man covered in wires.

He looks like a half-robot.

He's got a big cloak on.

This feeble old man who stands in the front entrance is the sole Imperial administrator on the planet, the prefector.

You know him though, as Slop.

Slop?

Yes, yes, my name is very funny.

You always laugh at my name, Slop.

Are we in like a village?

Like what's our all of you in the village gather around in the center of the town like you're supposed to at 4.30 in the morning?

The town is already awake and everyone runs the center of town like you do every morning because that's where you're given instructions by Slop.

However, Slop, being the master delegator and lazy bureaucrat he is, depends on the local governor to give those instructions and deal with such matters in the morning so slop looks at said governor nordstrom rack nordstrom rack okay and will this is actually will's idea so all the credit to you for this wonderful naming convention but why don't you present the fact god with a fact that's right and dad hammer our facts are facts presented to the fact god fact for the fact god about nordstrom rack is that she loves the god emperor of mankind nice dude and she's ready to make her way through the administratum and move her way up the ranks.

Right now, she's governor of Navis 4.

She's thinking maybe she could be governor of a slightly less shitty planet.

Like maybe Navis 4.

Get his ass friend here.

If she puts enough boot to ass on the fucking slouchy parasites that are not doing a good enough job.

No, no.

Prefector Slop.

Oh, thank you.

It's such a wonderful, wonderful privilege to get to wake up again and serve the Emperor through you, Administratum Prefector Slop.

May we all love and serve the Emperor.

Yes.

Thank you, Nordstrom.

Governor Nordstrom.

Now, I believe...

There is no need to thank me.

I serve the Emperor in all ways.

It is I who should be thanking you.

Thank you.

Fucking kiss ass.

You're welcome, but only thank the Emperor.

Never thank me ever again for anything.

Nordstrom, what is this duty you wish to perform?

Oh, that's right.

Nordstrom Rack, who is in sort of the usual dingy, berry-stained, mud-soaked garb of her peers, has added like two little imperial epaulettes that I received from the slain corpse of the previous governor to denote my official title.

And I turn to everyone in the village as I open up a little gunny sack that has a homemade flog in it.

It's a sort of a cat of ninetales made out of the thorny bushes of the bloodberries.

And I say, Fellow menials of the Imperium, it is I, your new governor, Nordstrom Rack.

You all know me.

Hi, I know all of you.

Hi, hello.

Hi, how's everyone doing?

I yawn.

What a great.

Can we give it just before we get started three cheers for the Emperor?

Hip Him.

Hooray!

Hip Hip Hip.

Hooray.

Hooray.

Hip Him.

And the last time I look at it, the Prefecture would be like, uh-huh.

Hooray!

Yes.

We have a saying in the Administratum.

Yes.

If there is a problem that comes along, you must whip it.

Which is why we shall now begin the flogging.

Vitamix, will you please bring forth the prisoner?

Yes, yes.

Slop is going to wave over the single security guard that's hiding in the crowd right now.

I believe the security guard is played by Beth May.

Beth, why don't you introduce your security guard?

Vitamix Blender.

Oh, shit.

Or Vitamix, as we Yanks would call it.

Vitamix Blender.

Vitamix works security.

Pretty tough guy.

But my fact for the fat god is that in the grim darkness of the future, there is only war.

But Vitamix is looking for love.

Oh, okay.

There's people looking for love.

I like that.

Okay, I like Vitamix.

I'm going to let Vitamix live.

Hold on, wait a minute.

Is Vitamix considered loving the emperor with every fiber of his being?

That's who you meant, right?

Yeah, yeah, like sexually.

Sexually, indeed.

Okay, Beth, why don't you tell us what Vitamix is doing now that he's been waved over by Nordstrom Rack?

You see a sturdy frame of a man looking at the scene in front of him, but also talking to himself mysteriously, but also looking towards Nordstrom Rack in exchanging glances sort of way, but talking to himself like okay okay right okay okay so I was I was thinking there you and me we could um we could hunt blood berries together and office I was thinking like we I could I'll be your security but forever Vitamix yes yes sir bring the fucking prisoners of course of course sir the governor um uh you there

juicy as lucius okay juicy as Lucius is obviously played by Freddie Wong.

Freddie Wong, do you give me a quick fact for the fact God for Juicius?

Juicius Lucius is a bit of an inventor.

And what Juicius Lucius has figured out is a new form of air conditioning.

As the handyman on the planet, he fixes all the halves and makes sure all the machines are running.

And in his spare time, tinkers with parts and has stumbled upon a method.

I was thinking that what happened was he discovered an asteroid impact.

Okay.

And from the ore, it was a substance that was a cooling substance.

So he's like, I think I've got a new way to do air conditioning.

So it's like an asteroid of Freon.

Oh, we'll find that out.

Okay.

Oh, we'll find that out.

Okay.

Well, the fact God accepts your fact, Freddy.

So Slop is irritated and annoyed.

This is taking so long.

Yes, okay.

He snaps his finger.

Vitamix,

just bring the prisoner.

Here you see before you a man who has failed his duty, Jucius Lucius.

Tell now to all the way in in which you failed as handyman of this village and this galaxy.

Juicius goes up to the mic, taps it.

Over in half 413 B,

I used a type Charlie spanner wrench, which caused a toilet overflow.

What I should have done

was

use a type Omega.

So, sorry, once again, Miss Havisham,

for the toilet overflow.

Again, sorry.

And as he's doing this, I feel like Vitamix and I are like sort of affixing him to the post in the middle of the day.

And Nordstrom's hand brushes past Vitamix's, and he's like,

Oh, hello, Vitamix.

How are you doing?

Speechless at this awesome ceremony of power of our duties.

Let us begin the 30 lap.

My God,

you, what is that?

So as you, Nordstrom Rack, are about to lash Jucius Lucius, Slaw pauses for a second.

Something has caught his eye.

Across the muddy town square, wedged between some desperate-looking workers, there appears to be...

Is that a space marine?

No,

it can't be.

But it looks like one.

Anthony, what is this space marine in the crowd?

Tylalius and Duomodus.

You can call me Tylo.

Sorry, you're called what?

Tylo.

My name is Tylo.

Tylo.

Tylo?

Tyler, but he says it with a weird voice.

I'm like nine years old, and when I grow up, I'm going to be one of the Adeptus Astaltes, a space marine.

The fact for the fact God for Tyler is that he is not aware that you can't grow up to be a Space Marine.

Space Marines are genetically engineered by the jump.

Yeah, from the jump to be like three times the size of normal humans and have twice as many organs and all that kind of shit.

Tyler believes that if he just works hard enough and believes hard enough, that he will eventually become a member of the Ultra Marines, his favorite Adeptus Astartes chapter.

He's a basic bitch.

He's a basic bitch.

He likes blues.

And for those of you who don't know, Space Marines are the most powerful soldiers in the Imperium.

As Anthony said, you can't just become one.

You're mutilated and grown at birth to become one.

They're eight foot tall, mutant super soldiers in big armor.

Slop is not seeing an eight foot tall super soldier.

What is Slop seeing?

So what he sees is a young boy, nine years old, four feet on a good day.

And he is wearing, made out of cardboard, a surprisingly accurate set of Adeptus Astartes Space Marine armor.

Huge pauldrons on his shoulders, big old boots.

He was doing push-ups when Slop slop called him out and he goes oh this is my pal almo obviously i have not seen such blasphemy oh no and blasphemy whale long show me here with it vitamix bring the child he shall also receive 30 lashings and come here child come to me all white

here why come okay do you walk up to him yeah he stares and he goes even A fabrication of such armor is only for those who serve the emperor.

By do so, Dampo.

You shall receive thirty lashes, and despite your age, it will be a full 30.

And if you do not live, and he makes a sign up to the Emperor, it will be only in the service of the Emperor that you die.

A fitting punishment, Prefector.

So Tylarius leans in.

He goes, Not only am I going to survive, I'm not going to make a peep.

Because I'm a space marijuana, baby.

Slop smiles for the first time in 30 years.

He goes, Not Not a Space Marine, perhaps, but perhaps there will be a way for you to serve the Emperor.

Today is the first day of your life, child.

And he says, I'm nine.

I'm dismanned.

I meant

today.

Go to...

Get tied up, please.

We are out of rope, though.

So, young boy, Tyler, if you could just go ahead and just hug the post.

Hold it.

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

Give me a hold.

I turn to the crowd and I say, In the words of the administratum, to no one's place is the greatest comfort.

To excel within it is the greatest solace, and a master's contentment is the greatest reward.

You see, two people who hear who have forgotten that wisest of lessons, young boy.

Did you write that?

No, I did you write those words?

I said them just now and I memorized them.

I know.

I know you did.

You just have such a way with words.

But go ahead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Emperor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Him.

Right, so let's proceed, shall we?

Yeah.

And now it is my great honor and privilege to, as

the foremost member of this community, administer a punishment to inspire the rest of you.

Because I think all of us together, we can get those Bloodberry numbers up.

The Emperor's Gift, the Great Tithe, is coming.

And I think this quarter, this season, will be our best season yet.

Right on.

Yes.

All right, Will.

Yes.

You can can choose who would you like to whip first yeah the children so much darker than i thought it was gonna be in my head you're the one who just came up with this vlogging thing yeah you're the one who came up with it and not only that came up with the weapon that you're using dudes as an rr and this will be this will be a good way for us to show how combat works so what we're gonna do you can choose who would you like to whip first Nordstrom has been talking up a big game to herself.

She was out practicing.

Oh, she's a girl.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

She's been out practicing.

Whoa, Anthony.

Damn, dog.

Hey, you don't want to cut her.

i thought it was a cool gay relationship between vitamix and nordstring damn you turn around on us now we all

conservative ones she was out practicing on a tree all last night she's been really really just like ready to impress everybody but she realizes she actually has to do this thing now her hands have started shaking

uh uh prefector Yes, which should I which which one which would have pleased the emperor most for me to start with?

The emperor is pleased if you do his will.

But but what is his will?

I'm waiting.

Yes, I think you should tire yourself on the child.

She's gonna stand in front of both of them and then just close her eyes and just rear back and swing.

All right, so what we're gonna do is I'm gonna since you're

okay.

If you're close enough,

protected me.

We will do that.

We will find.

Since Vitamix is close, I will, because you're too much of a coward to choose who to swing.

One and a two is the child.

A three and a four is Lucius, Juicius, and a five and a six is Vitamix.

That's a three.

All right, so Freddy, it looks like Jucius.

Lucius will be receiving the painful end of this whip.

So why don't you go ahead and do a combat roll?

Dang, dude.

It's like a tutorial in a video game, dude.

Yep.

Before you whip, make sure you crouch over this small gap and jump over this fallen log.

Well, here's your chance.

You make sure you invert your controls based on what you're whipping.

You know what I mean?

Do you want to invert now or no?

All right, so for combat, you're just going to roll a weapon skill.

So what's your weapon skill?

So my weapon skill is one and my ionized two, so I have three dice.

So you roll three dice.

Okay.

Ionize initiative.

And then

so let us explain.

As Will does the first piece of combat by whipping in an armed man.

So the way combat or really any skill check works in Wrath and Glory is that you will roll a certain number of dice, all d6s, in order to achieve a certain number of successes.

So you may be rolling hoping to get, say, like three successes.

You gain one success if the die lands on a four or five.

And if it lands on a six, good for you.

It's a double success.

So obviously the more dice you get a roll, the more likely you are to get more successes, but that's not it.

Of the dice you roll, one dice is always a special die, the Wrath die.

Some of my dice I gave you are from the Cowboy Bebop RPG.

So I believe you have Ain, the Corgi as the number six.

For you, lucky few, when you roll a Corgi, you will get a success.

So anyways, you always include one Wrath die in your role, and that Wrath Die, while it counts as a normal success and whatnot, it also essentially will decide if your role has a critical failure or a critical success.

So if the Wrath Die rolls a one, no matter what else the role is, I will add a complication.

It'll be a failure.

But if it gets a six, whether or not the role failed or succeeded, it's a special success.

But I'll explain what happens when the Wrath Die gets a six when it actually happens.

But you are rolling against Freddy.

What is your resilience?

My resilience is three.

What is your defense?

One.

One.

So, Will, you simply have to get above one success to hit him.

I got two threes and a two.

So you miss.

You just missed with the whip?

I did have my eyes closed.

So I feel like I should have disadvantage as well if there's anything like that, but

okay, so I missed.

So this feels like you don't need what happened.

Slop looks at you and is waiting for another whip to happen.

There's 30 left.

I'm going to be like, ah, yes.

And that's what it sounds like when I use it.

So scary.

Yeah.

We're all once more.

Okay.

Okay.

Everyone's watching.

That didn't count as one.

Everyone's watching you.

That counted as one.

That counts.

Okay, all right.

I got a two, a two, and a five.

Okay.

You successfully hit Lucius on the pole.

Will, what is the damage of your whip?

It says two star plus one ED.

Two damage plus one extra dice.

So roll one dice.

I rolled a four.

A four.

Oh, okay.

So I did six damage to him.

What the fuck?

No, no, no.

Four is one success.

Okay.

Three damage.

Freddy, what is your resilience?

My resilience is three.

Okay.

You take a hit, and every success is a point of damage.

I see, I see.

So, you whip Freddy, there's a loud crack.

Nobody in the crowd even winces.

Nobody cares about this at all.

That's up to you.

Well, no, but what happens with resilience three?

Does that you don't get a wound?

Doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

What does Lucius do?

Does he cry out in rage?

Fuck next time, your toilet backs up.

I'm not doing shit.

One.

Now,

the child.

And now, and now, as governor, I have given the ceremonial ceremonial first whip.

And now I turn over to our honorable security officer to continue.

And you feel a big, strong hand wrap around yours and grab the whip.

I would be honored to whip this child.

She should do the thing like when you're teaching a girl how to golf where you put her arms around her.

Like this.

Oh, you're trembling, governor.

Just from zeal for the emperor.

Slock stares straight into the eyes of Tyler.

How does Tyler respond when we're about to get whipped?

Tyler looks him dead in the eyes.

Whoever's got the holding the whip, Tyler just goes, I'm waiting.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Adeptus histodes feel no feel.

To feel feel would be to easily.

I have seven total battles.

One, two, three, four, five.

I'm so glad Will is such a pussy.

As you raise your hand back to whip the child,

you feel a big gust of wind.

There is a siren.

There is clearly multiple ships flying above.

They're circling around looking for a landing spot.

Slop looks up in the sky and goes, oh, no.

Oh, no, this can't be good.

Vitamix looks up to the sky and then

they found me and runs.

But, but, what, what?

Tylarius turns around and looks at Slop and goes, told you.

Slop says, stay still, everyone.

Stay still.

This landing craft is hovering over the entire town, and it begins to land very close to to you, Tyler.

The wind is pushing you back as the ship is coming down.

Along the ship's animantium armor, you can see an insignia of the letter I emblazed in a fiery scarlet with a skull in the center.

And you know this symbol.

It's the Inquisition.

Yes, exactly.

For most people, you seem happy with it.

Most people would never want to see this symbol.

No, I'm psyched.

They're probably here to tell me what I already know, that I'm a space marine.

For most people, seeing it means you'll never see anything again.

For as you said, Tyler, it is the Inquisitorial inquisitorial rosette and you know that inside that ship is one of the most dangerous beings in the entire universe an inquisitor tyle aries immediately goes to his knees

very good juicy as lucius takes the cue and does the same nordstrom is going to pose right next to the prefector and i just kind of like spit polish my epaulettes and try to straighten my hair and just like tidy up my dirty rags and it's like the inquisitors are here is this about my request to be transferred to a bigger planet are we standing near bloodberries there's bloodberries everywhere okay the only place there's not bloodberries is like the very center of town where you've patted down and taken out all the bloodberries.

Oh, okay.

So Vitamix looks down, grabs a bunch of bloodberries, and like smashes them on his face to make his face look bloody and like he doesn't look like himself anymore.

You warpaint the red.

The docking bay of the ship slowly opens and out steps a tall, handsome, glorious Inquisitor of our Lord Emperor.

He is six feet eight.

Half of his face is a metal skull.

Perched upon his shoulder is a robot crow.

Following him is a little floating skull, a servitor for any of you who may know.

You've probably heard of them.

It is circling around and buzzing in his ear.

Around him are four scions of inquisitors,

a retinue of inquisitors, and he steps out very slowly.

Who is in charge here?

That would be the Prefector,

Mr.

Slop.

Prefector Slop.

He's in charge.

And

I'm the the governor of Navis 4, and I would love to welcome you to our lovely little planet.

Slop walks up to the Inquisitor.

He goes, dear Inquisitor, and he bows his head.

Ah, Slop, I see this is where you ended up.

Yes, sir.

Everybody, it's Matt's first scene doing a scene with himself.

Yes.

On the edge of his seat, baby.

What is it you need from us?

I'm here to defeat heresy, Slop.

I have been pursuing for many years a most dangerous traitor who yields a power beyond your reckoning.

Okay,

but what does that have to do with uh shut up, slop.

Unfortunately for me, he seems he has crash-landed on this very planet.

I believe there is a man we have been chasing who landed on this planet just last night.

I believe he may be in this very town, and if not, I believe some of your citizens may have seen him.

It is of the utmost importance to the Emperor, to the Imperium, and to the safety of all mankind that we find this individual immediately.

So, inquisitor.

Yes, child.

I saw somebody I didn't recognize last night.

Me too, me too, me too.

Oh, but I saw it full.

Oh, you both saw.

Yes.

I saw it the most.

I saw something as well.

Oh, three of you saw something.

Did anyone else?

I'll know who you're looking for.

He, if there's somebody new here, I'll know.

Come here.

He points at you and does this.

He points out.

And then I see how handsome he is.

And I wiped some of the bloodberry off my hands.

As you're wiping the bloodberry from the very pull of his finger, you realize that you're levitating an inch above the ground and you fling straight to him.

Oh, my God.

This guy knows how to use his fingers.

It is a come hither motion, after all.

You're now eye to eye with him.

And he goes, did you see someone?

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, I was going to ask these people one by one if anybody.

Usually people lie when an inquisitor comes and asks us anything.

Neville.

But very up forth.

So, no.

No, we're an honest, hard-working town.

Well, salt of the olf.

We're salt of the earth.

We make bloodberries here, as I'm sure you already know.

Yes.

And in fact, I think actually our production numbers are getting up even higher this year.

You know, we've got a lot of new hands out in the fields.

New security.

Just saying.

New security.

We've got a new security agent.

He snaps his fingers and all your mouths go shut like the Matrix.

He looks at Slop.

Keep everybody in a line.

When I'm done interviewing these four, I will continue to interview everybody.

And if anybody tries to run, shoot them.

If anybody tries to go inside, shoot them.

If anybody disagrees with anything you say or makes a single move that you don't like, Slop, just shoot them anyways.

Ah, very good.

As Slop starts moving, he sees somebody sneeze and Snop takes a gun out and shoots a person in the head.

You watch this person fall to the ground their brain splattered and the inquisitor's funny phil nope not

he wasn't funny he was not funny phil he was not funny he was not funny yes that was an ironic no big deal i certainly didn't think that his slacker attitude was very funny and just way too much racial stuff

really gwim dog woe but y'all should be wasist yes the inquisitor with all your mouths still sewn shut does a little motion with his hands and he all levitated a foot off the ground and he leads you into slop's little whatever house slop desk

he leads him into the slop desk

you're saying this is the only metal building in the village yes it is a closed building is about the size of the room we were recording in

the office what an honor yes it's about 20 by 20 it is mostly empty except for the little scribe table that slop has uh which is just full of endless documents there's a bunch of little skulls with pens like ticking and tagging and writing like like merch like convention merch skull pen no no they're little servitors auto scribes yeah they're auto scribes they're writing stuff as we're scrolling by by here, as we're zooming by, I would like to see, like, I want to sneak a peek at this paperwork.

Okay.

Just at these mounds of paperwork.

And specifically, I'm looking to see if there's anything about the request I filed to have Slop write a letter of recommendation for me

so that I can get off this godforsaken rock.

You know what?

I'll just let you see that.

Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just out there in the open.

I do have administratum records as an inquisitorial sage bonus.

So I can

tell you what

you want.

This will be our first test.

Let's roll a test.

In general, the way this works is that, again, as as I said, a four and a five is a pass, and a six is two passes.

The standard test in Wrath and Glory is a three.

Me, as the Holy Father, can decide to add difficulty to a test by increasing the number.

I'm going to say that what you're trying to do is pretty much a standard test.

So, I have two investigation and three intelligence, which is five, and then I get plus one because I'm looking at administrative records.

Oh, shit, okay.

Six dice,

one six.

That's it.

I got one six, a three, two ones, and two twos.

Wow, So you actually failed that.

So that six counts as two successes.

You got no other successes.

So you got two out of three.

What you see.

Did you spend a glory point?

No.

No.

Let's talk about glory points for everybody who's listening.

A glory point is a shared resource that you can get a variety of ways, including the Holy Father simply giving it to them.

Think of it as like a group shared inspiration.

Can I use a Wrath Point?

Yes, you can use a Wrath Point to roll once more.

To roll once more or do I get to re-roll failure?

You can re-roll failure.

If we get negative glory points are we in a glory

wrath point is essentially just the individual's inspiration everybody gets two wrath points for the entire game unless i provide others okay so but we didn't have

to burn one

i'm gonna go ahead and burn a wrath point

really

okay this time i got four or five and a six so you four or five and a six so four successes yeah now was your wrath die a one or a six no it's a two so you got four successes that's a success so i'll say that what you see what Slot was just writing, what he's filling out was, you said you sent him a recommendation.

I was hoping that he'd write me a letter of recommendation.

He did.

Broader administratum.

He did write a letter of recommendation.

He is recommending that you be executed as soon as possible and that

he would like a new person.

Unless you can tell that he does not believe that you will increase the quota of bloodberries.

But if you did, there is a slim chance you may survive.

But if not, you're almost certainly going to be killed on the next flight of rations that comes up.

I'm winning him over.

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So here's what we're going to do.

You're going to get interrogated by an Inquisitor.

What?

The four of you

are placed on the other side of the table.

You're more than happy to crack jokes.

You can mess around with an Inquisitor.

I will say that.

I will play the Inquisitor as an Inquisitor.

And I should clarify another set of rules in this game.

You are all what are called tier one.

The way the game balances itself, because if you know anything about Warhammer, you'll know that you have lowly humans, but you also have things the equivalent of gods.

So, in this game, if you want to play gods, if you want to play Space Marines, you will play a tier four game.

You guys are tier one.

An Inquisitor is a tier three, so that's essentially three entire tiers up.

One swing from him will probably kill you instantly.

And I do not have a plan to re-roll against the game.

God

damn the the tears of the kingdom.

Do you want to give me a wrath point back?

Noah will.

Noah will.

Yes, I'll give you a wrath point.

The emperor giveth and he taketh.

That made me laugh.

Do you get a wrath point?

The Grim Darkness futures only puns.

So here's what's going to happen.

And I want to tell the audience what I did.

I, last night, went to each and every one of you.

Yep.

And I quickly, out of nowhere, told you what happened.

You had each given me a reason why your character was out late at night.

And then I described that off in the horizon, you saw some sort of falling ship or asteroid.

And then a few minutes later, a strange man came running up to you.

You each had a slightly different experience.

He said some words to you.

I gave you some different details, all sorts of little things that this man did before running off in some direction.

And I thought it'd be fun to essentially have the same experience of if that did just happen to you.

So you either remembered it or you didn't.

It's like those 24 hours.

And we saw twisters.

Yep.

If you feel it.

So he needs as much information as possible.

And as every good Inquisitor, he does not simply believe your words.

So he will be using an old, ancient piece of Imperium technology to make sure that what he is getting is accurate and that you are not lying, which are two slightly different things.

He's just going to know if we're telling the truth or not.

He's a psycher.

He may be able to see even what you do not remember.

Oh, no.

But it's important to know whether or not you are telling the truth because he needs to know if you're also loyal to him.

Does he know about our past?

Depending on how deep into the brain he may know more about your past.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait.

I have an ancient piece of Imperium technology.

Holy shit.

And I'm going to ask you each of questions while I have time with this.

Is it a lie detector?

What is?

What?

Oh, no.

What the freaking thing is.

He has pulled out some sort of ghoulish children's game.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

It's not a children's game.

It is a technology from the Imperium.

It is, I believe it's called Pie in the Face.

I forget what it's called.

You're going to put your chin on this little chin rest, and then there's a hand attached to a little simple mechanism i'm going to spray the hand with truth serum but it's it's shaving cream it's shaving cream it should be it should be whipped cream no because i wasn't sure if some people had dairy uh issues that's gonna burn our face no it's not

well close your eyes when you do this or don't lie what happened is I will ask you questions.

You're not gonna lie, I'm gonna remember a single fucking thing you said.

The Inquisitor cannot know if you're lying or simply don't remember.

does he not he's how did he get his job when i ask you a question

you're saying the fucking inquisitor could read our minds but he can't tell we're telling the truth or not he can see what we said but he can't tell you don't you understand governor yeah wait why is he saying anything we're testing our resolve and our love of the emperor you get one free turn on this machine freddie thank you so much what happened is when i ask you a question if you get it wrong you will turn this

so there's a knob on the side there's a knob on the side eventually it's completely random after After a certain number of turrets, this thing will

handle fling parasol into your face and you will take one wound instantly.

Okay?

You understand?

Yeah, we get it.

Okay.

The Inquisitor puts this ancient contraption down.

What's its Imperium name?

What's it called?

He looks at you and says, to say the name would be to drive you mad.

Now that's some Warhammer shit, baby.

How do you think you'd lost half of your face?

Yeah, dude.

Don't really mad at you.

Maddest point.

So for you all, I don't believe that.

I don't believe you.

I don't believe about the fist side of

dollars.

This is like a

funny shaves-a-guy level of fucking personality.

I don't ask you to do anything that I didn't do myself.

Last night, I was in the bathroom, and after I jerked it, I

tested the machine out on myself multiple times and realized that you need quite a because shaving cream is very sticky.

So when this little thing slowly moves up, it doesn't really throw it at all.

So it needs to be a lot so that at least it touches your little noses.

He unzips all your lips and he puts the machine

in front of you, Nordstrom.

Now go ahead and put your face in the hold your chin up, bro.

And Mr.

Inquisitor, I just want to say it's a real honor to be Inquisitor, to be interrogated.

I just, I don't know if I've seen anyone, but are you seeing anyone?

What?

Oh, no.

Don't be nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous.

We are all.

I'm just, I'm not nervous.

I'm excited to serve the Emperor in any capacity I can.

So go ahead and ask your questions.

I can smell the fucking shaving cream from here.

It's all for here.

It's that Barbasol dog.

That jarastic parts did nandri special dude.

Well, Matt did say he jerked it, so there is DNA on that.

No, no, DNA.

Bingo.

We'll start simple.

He puts two fingers to your skull and you can sense that he is inside your brain.

Okay.

Ew.

Okay.

Two in the think.

One in the finger.

Two in two in the think.

Now,

you said you saw a man last night.

Yes.

Did he run to you?

He ran past me.

Past you.

Simple question.

Was he a military man?

I don't know.

You don't know.

He had a Laz pistol.

No, he had a symbol.

There is a symbol on

his uniform.

So yes, maybe he was a military man.

I can draw it from memory.

That's amazing.

Okay.

Pass it over to the child.

Hit me with it.

What would you like to know?

I remember everything.

You remember everything.

Good.

Then you'll have no problem.

What color was the badge?

I'm colorblind.

Turn the dial.

Fuck you.

I told you the color.

Hand it to the next.

All right.

We're starting simple.

Yes.

You.

Yes.

I've already been lashed today.

Was he carrying anything?

He showed me a badge and looked like a green fidget spinner.

The logo looked like a fidget spinner.

I can draw it.

Turn the dial once.

Oh my god.

Look at all of you.

And he's looking into your brain.

He's like, a rectangular case.

He was carrying a rectangular case.

Oh, yeah.

Now,

I see him running.

Which direction did he run away from you?

He ran left west.

He ran westward.

You remembered?

He ran westward.

Very good, Freddie.

Hand it to Beth, please.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, well, my head's so small it fits right in.

What?

He looks at Vitamix.

Worry not.

You have served the Emperor before.

He's sensing something in your past, but that's not.

Oh, yeah, it's my words and my thoughts.

So

I'm always serving the Emperor.

Okay.

This man, I see him.

He's saying something to you.

What did he say?

He didn't say anything.

He said something to you.

He stares at you and he speaks these words.

Do you remember what he said?

If you can,

your memory is getting clearer and clearer.

And he begins mouthing the words of the man you saw.

And he said, Aksha comes first.

Oh, yes, yes.

So now turn it.

Oh, wait.

I'm too, it's too slit.

Aksha comes first.

That's two for flinching.

Akshaw comes first.

Hand it back to Will, please.

Akshaw comes first.

That's very selfish of Aksha.

Hi, it's me again.

Yes.

You, governor, should be most concerned.

This is a man.

I cannot say much, but this is a man who has taken something dangerous and brutal, and it could spell death to millions, if not billions.

And we do not know why he came here.

And again.

Do you think perhaps the person who caught this said rogue could maybe secure a small advancement a small position for herself and say the administratum anybody who helps the emperor will be put in a place for them to help the emperor even more so yes that is very possible

looks nordstrom is feeling like that's not much of a problem

he looks like he says that's a middle management dodge if i've ever heard one i know how to dodge middle management because i am middle management sir he spoke to you too

think i can't what words did he speak to you he said something about numbers He said something about six and nine.

It was six and nine are the numbers, and seven, two, and three are not.

Ooh.

Yes, as he ran off, he said numbers.

But when he looked you in the eyes, what did he say before that?

He said,

um,

he said,

he said,

he said, uh,

turn the dial.

Shanzak.

Shanzak comes before the name.

Aksha comes first, and Shanzek before the name.

Why would he tell these things to you four?

Is there something you're not telling me, Anthony?

Ah, little warrior.

Are you scared, child?

The Adeptus Nostalges know Nofield, so.

They do not.

Excellent.

I ask you the same question, for it is clear that this man spoke to the four of you.

What did he say?

He mentioned something like Nog or Nogo.

When you say the word Nerg, the Inquisitor flinches.

Nerg.

Nerg is first in all things, he said.

Thank you, child, for your honesty.

Anthony doesn't have to turn it.

Ooh.

Okay.

Teachers.

It's obviously going to get free.

You.

What is your name again?

Jucius Lucius, soon to be the greatest inventor in all the land.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby.

Juicius Lucius, baby.

One of these.

Juicius Lucius.

Let's go through the inventions.

It's going to really fuck things up.

Anyway, yes, ask your questions.

So fucking.

He spoke to you as well.

Yeah, baby.

Tell me, what did he say?

He said, uh, glad.

Glad?

Gladden, gladius,

gladius, that is.

Gladius, something.

He said, Gladius.

Turn the dial.

Oh, no.

He flinches.

Gladiant.

God damn it.

Vague.

Gladiant Vague.

Yeah, whatever, man.

You're the one with the machine.

He takes a step back and looks at the four scions in the room.

He makes a little symbol and they run off outside.

And he looks at them.

He goes, how do you four know my name?

Gladiant Vague.

Gladiant Vague.

Aksha goes first.

Shensik before his name.

And Nerg is first in all things, but second in this.

Are you sure none of you are lying to me?

I have a question.

Do we still have to keep our faces in the thing, or are we done with that?

It seems like you got whatever message you need.

Beth, hand.

Who's Beth?

Inquisitor?

Vinamix.

Hand our dear governor the machine.

Fuck.

One simple question.

Yes, Inquisitor.

Did he give you anything?

Did he give me anything?

Yes.

No, he gave me a smile.

You lie.

Turn the dial.

I turned it.

Turn the dial.

He didn't give me anything.

I'm a good man.

Stand up and check your back pocket.

Oh.

Has Matt snuck something in?

I don't see anything back in your mat.

Check your output.

Check really deep.

It's a very.

Oh, no.

Will his bowl down.

Hand it to me.

What the fuck, Matt?

Excuse me?

No.

No, full stop.

stop.

That's my butt.

Did you give it to Cherish?

No.

I slipped it in.

I slipped it in.

We went down to order.

You just straight up reverse pickpocketed his ass?

That reverse pickpocket is awareness.

Will, and you're not

garbage ass awareness.

Am I being picked up in his ass?

Yeah.

And be it.

He looks at your brain.

Yes, indeed.

He remembers.

He looks straight at you.

He ran to you.

He ran to you from the east.

He ran up to you and he looked at you straight in the eyes.

And he says, Shanzak, Shanzak before his name.

And he slipped this in your pocket.

When the Inquisitor is seeing this, the vision is getting difficult.

And he's seeing you nodding in return.

He's seeing you nodding and accepting it.

And he looks at it.

He gasps.

And it is the eight-pointed symbol of chaos.

And he stares at the four of you.

And he goes, a message.

He gave you all a message.

You must discover the message.

Tell me the message now.

Tell me the message now.

He pulls a gun out.

He goes, tell me the message.

What is the message?

So this was a little word game.

So I'll just go.

Yeah.

I'll say them out loud, and you guys just got to tell me the solution.

Okay,

otherwise, I'll shoot you out of that.

You have two minutes.

Go ahead and write these down and try to figure out the puzzle.

Are we done with the shaving cream?

Yes, none of you got shaving cream.

I thought Matt deserves one click.

He deserves one click for pickpocketing my butt.

But he stumbles from seeing the symbol.

His hand grasps the machine wildly.

And Matt's going for it.

Ah!

Oh!

Two!

That wasn't that big of a deal.

It was kind of anticlimactic.

It was better that you guys were all stressed out.

Hold on a second.

Oh, my eyes.

It burns.

When did you pickpocket me?

When you went to go get the order.

Oh, and then you came downstairs?

Yeah.

When he went to the holy ordo.

These are the four messages you received.

Okay.

Aksha comes first.

Does it matter how that's spelt?

No.

That's just, you know, spell it the best you can because you're going to say it.

Gladden Varg follows the words.

Gladent Varg?

Or Vog.

Sorry, that's his name.

Shanzik before his name.

And Nerg.

Nerg is first in all things, but second in my game.

Forgive me, Nerg.

Second in no things but this.

Forgive me.

I'll give you two minutes.

Okay.

What was all the numbers?

You told me a bunch of numbers.

Those are something else.

You said a lot of things.

I also just wanted to make it harder for you guys to remember things.

So you didn't mess that up.

It was two things that you meant to say at the end.

Yes.

What was the second thing?

Action Nerg, Shan Sik, Glad and Vog.

The moment you say

out loud, Action Nerg, Shan Sik, Gladen Vog.

Gladenvog's eyes go wide and he stares at you and he looks at him.

It's a puzzle.

I've just won it.

I'm just doing a puzzle.

I'm a fool.

What have I done?

What have I done?

You see his little servitor skull starts circling around you.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, sir.

What's happening?

Gladenvog looks at you, he goes, no, no, that trap.

He knew too much.

He knew I was coming.

The Inquisitor shudders violently and then goes completely still.

At first, it looks like his skin is just covered in goosebumps.

But then you realize those goosebumps are spreading along his clothing and his armor everywhere.

And worse, they just keep rising and flaking off.

Chunks of his body begin to slough off him like the ash at the end of a cigarette.

Well, that's not a perfect analogy because cigarettes don't have blood.

And so as he begins to stumble about, blood oozes out of every new hole and scrape as he decomposes in front of you.

He looks almost like a bloody body on fire, but you can't see the flames.

Is he okay?

No, he's really not okay.

His eyes begin to come out.

He starts swinging wildly and he's trying to touch each of you.

Everything he touches, you see.

In fact, why don't you each give me, just do a straight agility roll.

One dice.

One dice?

Yep, same.

Two dice.

I'll give you.

Yep.

If it's one dice, it has to be the regular die.

I'll give you each an extra die because he's on the other side of the table.

I've got die on my regular die.

We're both three.

I rolled two ones, including the Wrath die.

I rolled no successes in a one on the Wrath guy.

I got a five and a four.

A five and a four.

Five on my Wrath die.

Here's what will happen.

So you three are not getting out of the way.

He is stumbling towards you.

You with your agility, you've shifted away from him you can run away or you can try to help your three friends um

friends is a stretch friends

will you have your three friends and governor you can choose to not help your uh three compatriots in this um friends is still a stretch

uh

governor to consider that if you're losing some of us it'll be all

back for bloodberry production that's i can't lose three workers absolutely not or two workers and a child is a future worker i'm a local so yes i'm gonna help them okay what are you gonna do i'm he's trying to climb over the table at the table attack them i'm going to whip him okay oh yeah to get his attention do you want whip to distract him do you want whip to hurt or do you want to like tackle him or something or like just pull him off the table

yeah i'm trying to tangle him up okay yeah so they have this thing called like narrative combat rather than like even though you're using your weapon oh it's like a cut scene it's not really combat it's like trying to do something I'll say you can roll cunning like a cunning move yeah you're trying to do something cunning because rather than just like hitting him or something you're trying to tangle him up okay yes so you're not doing any damage but you're choosing to just okay so that's three dice A six, a five, and a two.

Oh, okay.

You just passed.

Okay.

Describe what happens.

So I panic and I grab my governor's flog and I swing it at him and it just kind of like goes over his shoulder, but then circles around his back and seals around itself.

So I've got him sort of like from behind with this whip.

Okay.

I'm now just like, oh no, what did I do?

End, he's tangled up and he turns to look at you and the whip that you're holding.

begins to decay also.

Do you want to let go of it?

Uh yeah.

He tries to lunge, but before you can even lunge, his legs give out like pudding and he just drops to the floor and he slowly begins melting.

The servitor begins circling around him.

So

what do you do?

Sir, so what do we do?

So what do we do?

And he looks at the servitor and he goes, X, X, X, D,

the new person who's in charge of you, Servitor, because I am the next most powerful member of the Administratum in this room.

And I would like to roll persuasion on the Servitor.

Okay.

For those who don't know, a Servitor is essentially just a person, oftentimes a criminal, criminal, but sometimes if it's a servitor that's working for the inquisitor, they might have actually been another inquisitor.

They might have been a really important person for the imperium.

So important and in love with the emperor so much that even when they die, they don't want to just simply pass away.

They allow their consciousness and their brain to be put into a skull to act like a little computer for all of eternity, which means that their only purpose in life is to do exactly the orders that they have been granted by the inquisitor that are working towards.

So it is going to be a very difficult role.

I'm going to use my leadership skill.

That's okay.

Because I'm pulling rank.

I'm saying that your bastard's been incapacitated.

And so now I am in charge.

Okay.

Okay.

That was a one on the rack.

Oh, no.

I got three.

I got a six, a five, and a four.

Okay, that's fine, actually.

And a one.

That's what I'll say.

You want him to follow you?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm also low-key just trying to talk over the other guy so he can't.

I understand.

I understand.

I'll put it this way.

The moment there is the foul taint of the warp seen on a planet such as this, the idea of Exterminatus, which I will say that you know exactly what this is, Governor Nordsamrak.

You have heard of legends, and you know that this is the worst thing that could happen to a planet.

Exterminatus means that they have decided that it is not worth fixing what is on the planet.

They have simply decided to destroy it completely.

And you can tell as he's screaming, as our poor Inquisitor is melting and screaming, Exterminatus, Exterminatus, Exterminatus, the Servitor Skull has definitely already passed that message on.

And even if they had it, it wouldn't have matter because at this point, the Scions have probably passed it on.

It is leaping out of your hands as it is.

But the Servitor Skull, he looks at his Inquisitor, he goes, Oh, no, oh, no, who do I serve now?

He looks at you, he goes, Well,

I'm yours now.

And he circles.

Yeah.

He circles around you.

And he looks.

Hello there.

What's your name?

I have no name.

So nothing happened from the critical wrath fail.

Oh, I mean, I felt like the fact that the message is still going out is enough of a

failure.

Okay.

Hello, Mr.

Skull.

Yes.

That's what we'll call you, Mr.

Skull.

Okay.

What does, just for everyone here, what was it that he said?

What did your former boss say?

What was that?

And why does solving the riddle make him melt?

Well, it seems that you have said it was a spell of an ancient god and you killed him oh oh well that's tell him to erase that whole could you maybe delete that from your memory i will do whatever you wish of me delete it let's delete that okay okay well how did he melt the foul tint of the wood

since you said the word nurgis probably the fact that there is the tent

can you delete us saying nergus too and also delete me asking you to delete this stuff yes it is all done okay what's all done i I do not know.

Whatever you asked me to do, I did.

Delete that we asked you to do anything.

We didn't ask you to do anything.

Whatever you asked me to do, I did.

You gotta delete that too.

That's stupid.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going back.

Before we delete everything this thing ever knows, can you tell us anything about where this Inquisitor was before he came here to Navis Fault?

We were on Navis 1.

We were chasing an Imperial Guardsman.

Because he had an ancient weapon of the Nurgle God.

We do not know why he came here, but he is here now.

And, ma'am, he looks at you, since you are mine and I am yours, I must let you know that Exterminatus will be coming soon.

They are about two days away.

A ship will be arriving in at earliest two days, and they will destroy this entire planet.

But what of the bloodberry harvest?

What are the quota?

That is nothing compared to Exdominator sounds like a very wise course of action, frankly.

Vitamix log size with Nordstrom is like two days, huh?

That's um it's a long time, but it's also so short.

You're right.

We must make every moment count, Vitamix.

Exactly.

That's what I was thinking.

Exactly what I think.

We should devote every moment towards using our bodies

in full service and satisfaction

of the Emperor's will.

Oh, and we should save our planet because one of the bloodberries, right?

Right, right, yeah, yeah, save the planet.

And I was thinking, I was thinking, like,

me and you,

I was wondering what we are to each other, like, in it,

as it were.

Oh, Vitamix.

We're just two humble souls.

Yes.

Spinning on a rock.

Meeting.

And, you know, I think about Mr.

Skull getting his memories deleted.

And I

Dewey was saying that.

End this sentence.

and i was do what the boy says yes and i was thinking no matter what happens i hope that never happens to me because then i wouldn't remember meeting you oh that's and and serving the emperor or whatever whatever delete that yeah delete him saying the whatever part but delete me saying delete all the whatever part ma'am may i speak out of turn and provide a piece of advice Sure.

Yeah, sure.

When I'm no longer serving you, I promise I will delete everything that has ever happened.

You do not have to keep asking me to delete.

From from now on.

It is in my protocol.

The moment you die, I will delete everything.

The moment I am no longer in your service, I will delete anything.

And maybe if someone else asks you anything, the moment anyone asks me anything, I will not say unless you give me explicit instructions to do so.

Right, but you'll already be dead.

So, hey, Sky, we'll work on this later.

You hear the ships flying up outside.

Clearly, the Scions have fled as well.

The Servitor Skull hovers over to you, Nordstrom.

May I speak out of turn one more time?

Yes, of course.

You know, we're all equals here.

So just speak to me.

Only in the sense that we are all nothing but grains of sand compared to the Almighty Emperor.

Of course, that's what I mean.

It appears that this planet will be destroyed in two days.

Now, since I serve you, I do not wish for that to happen, but I wish most that the foul taint of the warp is destroyed in all things.

There are no ships on this planet, unless of course the guardsmen must have come here somehow.

But I do believe, while the Inquisitors are not exactly forgiving, they do reward those who helped the Emperor.

Perhaps if you can retrieve the item we were retrieving...

The weapon of Nogul?

The weapon of Nurgle.

I promise at the very least you will be killed quickly.

Perhaps you will live.

Perhaps you can become like me.

Oh, what a delightful,

a slave for the Emperor of all kind.

But perhaps you will even get a promotion.

This is how I become a space marine.

It's happening.

Are you not a space marine?

He hovers over to you.

I mean, on the inside, I am, but I haven't been blessed yet by the Adeptus Mechanicus.

Yes, yes.

And you, and he looks over to you, Lucius.

Yes, I have so many things to bring to the universe.

I could improve the lives of all the citizens under the great emperor.

And also...

Also, Norserup is pretty grad, because the Inquisitor didn't come up with the plan to delete the memories like we have, you see.

We're very smart.

So you'll you'll tell us everything, right?

Yes, he should have given me that protocol.

I will tell you all of his secrets.

Oh, oh, whoa, please do.

Oh, he loved Loxa.

Loxa is the scion that you saw, the pretty one to the left with the four tentacles.

He was in love with her.

Every time he thought about it, he would flagellate himself.

He would hit his head over and over again until he bled.

That is why he has a metal skull.

For loving is wrong, unless it is the love of the emperor.

Oh,

so wise.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you had any facuses with the warp previously?

Oh, with the warp?

With the warp.

Yeah, that what was the warp-they're all of the xenos are, right?

The warp is.

Oh, Bethany.

So the warp-don't bait us into

explaining Warhammer to you, Bethany.

Okay, I tried in earnest to learn Warhammer.

I'm like, this is a true.

I'll give you a subhanethole.

Beth, I'll say this.

What you said is probably a pretty accurate thing somebody on this planet would say.

Because one, even knowing of the warp is pretty much heretical.

It's heresy at this point.

It's heretical.

You probably just, at the very least, think that the warp is maybe something equivalent to hell.

It is something where bad things come from.

But yes, in Warhammer Lore, I mean, the warp is essentially just like the other realm where all the Nurgle and the Chaos Gods reside.

It's mostly demons in there.

Mostly demons.

It's also.

It's also we go through this realm to like...

do faster than light space travel.

Yeah, so like imagine Star Wars when they go like hyperspace, but when they did that, they went to hell for a while.

So you'd just be like, hell is real, and that's why there are inquisitors because hell is real.

Yes.

Oh my god, Matt, can I tell you something really quick?

Okay, so I,

holy father,

I read Zenos.

Oh, yeah.

But then I read it and I was like, well, where's Zenos?

And then I didn't find out until I was watching that video that you sent that explained the world.

Oh, no, I actually looked up this video of my own accord, actually.

Yes, I did.

And

that YouTube channel just had a siren because they found out a woman was watching the radio.

A family.

And I found out that Xenos refers to aliens.

So that's what.

So there are three types of heresy in Warhammer.

There is Xenos, which is the alien type of heretical disease and hatred.

We hate aliens because I don't, again, let's be clear, the world of Warhammer is a very jingoistic, horrible, fascist state that we live in.

And we support it by playing this game.

Yeah, but we support it.

You're saying we wish this is what life was.

I condone the philosophies of

condone everything in Warhammer.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's Malleus, which is demons, and then Hereticus, which is just heretical humans.

Hell is very real.

And it's the feeling of no pillow of a person upon which to rest my soul.

Just being alone in the universe.

Maybe I am the Xenos.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

See, they're right.

Yeah, delete that again.

Says, ma'am, all of you, I must remind you, I promise I would delete everything you ever tell me at any point.

If you tell me, if you die, if somebody else asks me a question, it is all delete.

I got it.

I got it.

I like to set the servitor into incognito mode.

He has a lot of gifts to buy.

Sir, if you simply want to watch porn, you can just let me know.

Oh my God, we could use a VPN for a different planet.

We'll be able to get all the streaming from the other planets.

Everyone is governor.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we should save our planet and find this ship and find this powerful weapon and advance all of our personal ambitions.

Excellent.

You've decided you would like to go and try to find where this Imperial Guard went.

Yes.

Yes.

And real quick, I would also like to find that note that said I should be executed and grab that and crumple it up discreetly.

The moment you think it, the servitor hears your thoughts and you see it run over to the machine and it picks up the paper in its mouth and goes,

Mr.

Skull, I think this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

What the fuck?

Would you like to step outside?

I would, yes.

Carefully.

What are you going to do out there?

We want to peek outside and like not just rush outside.

Tylarius strodes confidently through the door.

Okay.

An eight-year-old in power armor comes out and then three adult heads peek Scooby-Doo-like outside the door.

How many people has Prefector Slop shot at this point?

The moment you try to open the door,

something's blocking it a little bit.

Oh my God.

Would you like to peek through, Anthony, or would you like to kind of push through?

We have to push this door open.

Right.

I'm really strong, so if you don't mind.

Let me

athletics.

While Vitamix Blender is doing that, is there a window I could peek through?

No, it's a completely windowless room.

Does the servitor have like x-ray vision or anything?

No, they usually don't.

We could open it up enough of a crack that the servitor could poke its head out and come back in.

Yes.

So I got three passing, and I got the corgi on my corgi die.

Okay, the corgi on best wrath die is a

best passer strength check of three, and then you had a whole extra six.

So we can talk about the idea of exalted die.

So essentially, the idea of this: if you do such a good success, you get enough successes that you can literally remove a six from your roll and still succeed, you can take that six and becomes a magical little piece of currency.

You can use you can shift it.

It's called shifting in the game.

Now, you can shift it to give the whole team a glory point.

That's pretty much the only thing you could do here.

You can use it to

use it as a romance point to make Nordstrom fall a little bit in love with Vitamix Blending.

If you do want that as a romance.

So after seeing how you interacted with your little robot,

I'm on to bigger and better things.

Surely not everybody on this planet is dead.

Tyler sees this and pats you on the knee and says, there are a lot of other fish in the sea.

Somewhere deep in her soul, Nordstrom rack realizes she fumbled the bag.

So you kick the door down.

Yep.

You hear a loud snap like a bunch of firewood cracking.

And the door swings open and then tumbling down the stairs is Slot, who seems as if the brambles and the bloodberries have just grown through him around him.

The entire town, all of a sudden, all the Brambles are about four feet taller.

They're inside everybody.

Bloodberries are

all completely frozen still, but you can feel them.

They're breathing.

They're going, oh,

Mother.

Mother.

Do you want to go see your mother and father?

Yeah.

You run over to to them.

Oh, wait, but is it still dangerous out here?

I don't give a shit.

Well, he ran and nothing happened, so no.

I follow in his footsteps.

Okay, carefully.

Everybody, it's very small steps because it's a child's footsteps.

You look at your parents, you can see...

What are your parents' names again?

Davinius and Olivius, I think.

Divinius and Olivius?

Yeah.

Were they loving to each other?

Oh, Carolinius was her name.

Carinius and Divinius.

And Divinius.

And yes, they loved each other as much as is allowed.

Okay.

So you see them shaking hands.

They're like frozen.

Oh my god, my parents were having sex.

What did you walk in on?

And you see them, they're looking into each other's eyes, hands outstretched, uh, with a very casual shake.

You can't tell where the blood berries begin and where their bodies end.

Like their skin literally is like kind of oozing along the branches itself.

But they're breathing.

They're breathing.

When you look at them, you can see that even though their eyes don't move at all left or right, it does feel like suddenly your mom's eyes snap to you.

It doesn't actually move, but you can feel that she's looking at you now and she's breathing.

Mother, father, the foul taint of the warp has come to Navus fall, but do not worry, for your most brave soldier, I, Tylarius Andromedas, will eradicate the foul taint of the warp from this planet, or Exterminatus will kill all of us.

Either way, it's a win-win, because in the eyes of the emperor, the warp will be pushed back one inch.

And that will be enough for us to have died in the Emperor's service.

I kneel before Divinius and Carolinius, and I say, fear not, Davinius and Carolinius, you are good workers.

And in honor of the example you set for this community, I shall mother the boy.

I shall look after him as a mother to a son.

I think I'm good.

I shall guide him and mold him into a true servant of the emperor in your name and honor.

I think I'm fine.

You are fine.

You are a fine son.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, no.

Vitamix looks around like, oh, is there anybody that isn't frozen on this planet?

Juicius Lucius runs into his hab and grabs his little invention that he's been working on and squirrels it away in a little synth leather, little knapsack.

Syntho leather.

Syntho leather.

Oh, good, it's safe.

What of my assistant, Cedar Sinai?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

The assistant vice governor, my intern that we said I have.

You see.

Cedar.

Cedar.

Do you want to go check your office?

Yes.

I go check the photocopier.

You see.

Syncopies and Warhammer.

Cedar is frozen.

Cedar is frozen in place, of course, connected to the rambles.

And you see something that they're at the printing machine.

The printer.

The printer.

And you see.

And you see that Xeroticus.

You see them at the Xerox.

You see them at the Xeroticus.

And in their hands, you could tell what it was clearly a freshly Xeroticus.

Xeroxing Xerotica.

Xerole, yeah.

Pamphlet that they had just Xeroxed.

There's some blood and berry juice dripping down it, it, but you could tell that something was just Xeroxed.

Kollating to the last.

A true servant.

Open the thing.

Well, first I gently and tenderly shut Cedar Sinai's eyes just like this.

And then I, yeah, I'm going to look up what's being Xeroxed.

It's a list of all the things you've been doing wrong.

It's a whole compilation of why they would be a better

usurper.

You can see that his eyes are looking at you too.

Oh, I just close those eyes.

They pop open.

so scared he dropped his dice okay you jump scared will so hard dude governor it seems wise that we should arm ourselves from the settlement armory ah yes the armory what manner of weapons do we have in the settlement armory whatever you guys gave yourselves is what you have because there's no reason for weapons to be i didn't give myself one because i'm a kid yeah oh i have a las pistol i have a las gun yeah it makes sense because you're security i guess you stole one or something i was working on it i was working on it i was tweaking it yeah there'd be no reason oh Oh, here's what I'm saying.

What if it's a broken Laz gun?

I love that.

I was literally about to say that.

Every single one, I should have a chance that it just blows up.

I like that.

Okay, I like that.

And you have your whip.

Oh, no, you lost your whip.

I did lose my whip, but I do have the governor's las gun.

Anthony, would you like a weapon?

Tylerius would love a weapon.

Did the Inquisitor have any loot on him?

Ooh, yeah, when he melted, the gun could have fallen off before it melted.

Yes, yes, we'll say that.

You have an Inquisitor pistol.

Yes, he was quickly fumbling for his pistol and it fell off of him before he started decaying everything.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

I realized I probably gave you all too much information the night before, and it served its purpose.

I did also hide where the Imperial soldier ran off to.

Oh, the West!

The West!

Yeah, you know what?

It was the West.

No, you did get the message, West.

Oh, yeah, wait, hold on.

There was like a number aspect of this puzzle, wasn't there?

64

when more will come with something like that.

63.

I mean, there's nothing for a number now.

I'll say it only words.

It's like an escape room when you get a lock and it has four numbers.

You're like, gotta find a year somewhere.

I know this will start with one, nine.

So we don't know where this guy landed.

Freddy's character.

So Lucius.

You pray to the God Emperor to tell us.

I drop to my knees and I say, God Emperor, Holy Father, guide your peons, your mere peons, to find and hunt down this heretic who crashed on our world so that we may better serve you.

Jucius Lucius comes back in with his knapsack.

He's like, remember, I said that he ran west.

Thank you, God Emperor.

Wise in all things, you sent us a messenger.

The skull, what's his name?

Mr.

Skull?

Mr.

Skull.

Mr.

Skull says, great improv, Will.

Did a good job.

Yeah, I know.

Mr.

Skull says, luckily before glad and vague was killed his memories were downloaded into mine so i

listened to it are you glad and vague no but his but his memories inhabit you yeah i have many memories for many people many things many computers not for long

you gotta delete them yes again as i've said many times i promise i will delete all these memories not just your memories all the In fact, I promise when you are done with this mission, I will fly myself into a sun.

No, how about you just delete all your memories after you came to Navis Fall?

Yes, okay.

Yes, because it feels like there's a lot of useful stuff, otherwise, that the Imperium could benefit from.

This is why you are the wise one, he says, looking at you.

I have tasted him well.

I'm practically a space moon already.

Oh, I could taste it.

I have seen the visions that Gladden Veg saw of the Imperial Guard approaching you, and after some clever puzzle solving myself, I decided that indeed he has ran off to the west.

Do you want to look westward?

Well,

hold.

So real quick question.

In this settlement,

like I have to assume there was like a golf cart or something.

Like, how are we picking these, right?

Like, are we just by hand and sacks?

Or is there a vehicle of any kind on here?

Like wheeled vehicle?

You have like hover carts.

Oh, more or less.

It's the governor mobile.

Oh, the governor mobile.

I fixed up the governor mobile.

I just changed the oil on that thing.

Oh, he's okay.

Just gave it a tune-up.

You guys got hover carts because the average amount of people that go into an area to harvest is four so you got little hover carts that perfectly carry four people nice um just let's take the governor's big transparent box on the back that the governor uses to wave at people

yeah we're gonna use the governor mobile he's the governor box

no question yes so we saw him going to the west yes which direction was he coming from The south.

Again, the clever puzzle I solved in my own head is that I each gave you, like, he came from the south to the east, and then somebody was in the town, but actually from the town that came west.

And if you figured out the four different like puzzles, I never would have done that.

Believe so hard in us.

What if you do a carnal direction?

I put three puzzles in because I was very curious how much you all will remember, but you don't need to get it.

Yeah, no, it was a fucking human studies experiment.

That's what Matt was.

Matt's gone with me.

Matt's gone with a tried and true DM method, which is the dance puppets dance.

He's a real adeptus mechanicus at heart.

There you go.

So you're all in this governor vehicle?

But I'm trying to figure out which way we should go because he ran to the west.

He ran to the west.

Mr.

Skull says, yes, look yonder.

Mr.

Skull looks to the west and you've seen this site pretty often, but off in the west, giant columns of flame suddenly shoot out

fissures that are about a mile away.

There's about seven to eight.

I mean, I don't know why I'm saying seven to eight.

There are eight.

I give it side.

It's about seven, nine, whatever you guys want.

There's eight giant circular fissures on this planet.

And every couple, it's kind of sporadic, but once a day, every couple of days, like a whole sun is on a month, big fiery columns suddenly shoot out into the atmosphere

real boxbuster so you see giant flames shoot off into the sky towards the west oh yeah the flames the sky flames yeah

what about them in one of your visions i believe it was vitamix's or perhaps yours he ran fine let me check

it's kind of hard to remember things on it sorry i pre-deleted those i'm being very cautious

I could not retrieve memories that would defeat the purpose of deleting them.

But don't they go into like a recycling bin?

And then you empty trash.

Yeah, you empty trash.

And then to like, are you sure?

You fucking much about my workers.

In your vision, he ran west towards giant columns of flames.

Okay, but what direction did he run from?

What direction was he going to?

Why does that matter?

Maybe his ship is somewhere else.

Fair enough.

Oh, he did come in, but maybe he's going back to his ship.

He came from the east.

Wait, wait.

Are you trying to get to a ship to escape?

Oh,

me?

Yes.

Me?

You, the governor, are you trying to embrace cowardice in this moment where the emperor looks on us with hope and determination?

I should have whipped it.

Are you going to fall to my son?

Are you going to fall in our time of need?

Well, I am.

I want to get off.

I want to get off the planet.

Immediately, Tyler is going to lunge

Vitamix Blender's ankles, and he's going to try to tackle Vitamix blender to the ground you're not trying to do damage you're just trying to tackle yeah just do an athletics then beth you roll an athletics as well all right a child versus a security agent i mean you know i don't know what their stats are two successes i also got two successes oh

your move game master no diet doesn't indeed go to uh anthony so yes do i need to describe what a little tyler does

tyler spends almost all of his free time practicing martial arts moves that he made up for himself that he like assumed space marines would use so you see him basically like kick out with one of his armored cardboard-bearing feet and he gets you right in the back of your knee.

Or actually, he jumps and does it with both feet at the same time.

He kicks out both of your knees from underneath you so that you collapse backward towards him.

And he has his legs down near your shoulders and then like tries to grip your neck in between his two legs.

And he says, You will repent for what you have done.

Apologize to the emperor.

Sorry.

Good man.

Maybe you will be forgiven.

That is not up to me.

Okay.

And I pick you up and put you up with the

Now, unhand me.

We now

keep him in the glass cage.

We use our words.

Cowardice.

Everywhere I turn his cowardice.

Hey, hey, Tyra.

Yes?

I'm with you.

These heretics.

They're gonna get us killed.

My main man.

My dog.

My steed.

Well, I don't know about that.

Well, I mean, I could buy piggyback on you.

How about you and I?

We need to forge an alliance against these potential heretics.

Because, hear me out.

when we get off this planet with my invention yes

we're going to be very wealthy and powerful indeed i'm just saying i'm just saying that you know when you're older you'll wish you would love more than the emperor true wealth yes you're right true wealth does lie in the in the service of the emperor why but consider getting the attention of the emperor with wealth

i'm surrounded by

society

dylus It's just, you know, all the other stuff you just kind of fades away.

And then you really focus on what's important.

Tyler kneels and prays to the God Emperor for guidance.

Right.

Well, youth.

Yeah, put him in the glass cage.

I will be meditating on my combat strategies while you

super drive us closer.

That's really good.

And we're all proud of the way you're growing up.

We're going west.

It's up to you, leader.

We shall go west.

I hot wire the car.

Although I do feel like there's probably something interesting east.

I'm just going to put that out there if that's where he's running from.

We are following the Helotic.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Are you traveling west?

Are you going to start driving towards the big old fiery things that I said were there?

Oh, and oh, governor.

Governor.

Those were to the west, right?

Yeah, to the west.

You're flying with this little hover thing westward.

East.

Oh, well.

I mean, you can go east.

You're the leader.

We're going to do a quick jaunt east just for a little bit.

Oh, my God.

Just to see if there's anything cool over there, because that's where he was running from.

So maybe there's intelligence that way as well.

That's all I'm saying.

We go east.

Do you guys want to vote?

I would like to go west.

West.

Vitamix.

We've had such history, you guys.

Yeah, we have.

We have a fair bit.

And

I don't know.

I'm still going to bed alone.

I want to go west.

Three to one.

Very well.

Even though this is not a democracy, democracy does not exist in the Imperial.

I guess we'll go west.

And then I decided to go west.

I have decided we will go west.

I'm very, very wise.

Your little hover vehicle, the governor machine, is what governor will be.

be.

Governor Beetle.

Governor Veetle.

The Governcraft.

The Government.

Oh, Governor Craft.

Very good.

Very good.

That sounds like a Wrath Point to me.

That's what that sounds like.

Okay, you get a Wrath Point.

Yay.

Wrath Point is just for you.

Yay.

Okay.

Speeding along on the Governor Craft, Brambles, ricocheting across the...

Brambles is a good name for a dog.

That is a good name for a dog.

Across the windshields.

You get closer and closer to the first of the giant circular fissures in the ground.

It is now essentially just dirt and rock.

There's no brambles left because again, the breeze has burnt them off.

Okay.

You see footprints and they get to the edge of the fissure.

Whoa.

Is the fissure currently blasting or is it

going to say the fires, they usually last for like a few seconds at most, like maybe a minute and they've stopped blasting.

And is it like a pit on the other side?

Like what is on the other side of the fissure?

It is just a giant circular hole.

It looks like it's there anyway.

And it's it random looking?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'd like to investigate.

Is it random when they blast?

Yes.

Oh no.

So you look and you see the footsteps.

Again, nobody usually comes around these.

They go to the edge and then they seem like the footsteps just go down, like as if the person was just walking straight down the side of this hole.

Are the footsteps big?

They're however big you like them to be, Beth.

Do you want the man to have big feet?

They're size 13 American shoes.

Oh, okay.

That's interesting.

He's packing.

I have size 13.

I'm not packing.

It's a lot.

We're in a hovercraft, as we've established.

Yeah.

What happens when you just drive a hovercraft over a pit?

It would fall.

Hovercrafts hover because they're pushing air against the ground.

So the moment the ground is gone, they're going to come up.

So you just said this is like a cool Star Trek repulsor lift thing.

No, it's pretty old technology.

Anybody have any woke?

Any rope?

What?

Any woke so we could climb down.

Rope?

It's right there.

Well, maybe there's a winch on this thing.

Oh, wait, we could just grab some brambles and tie it, and then you all hold reverse.

What if we send Mr.

Skull down first?

Just take a look at it.

Oh, Mr.

Skull down there.

Mr.

Skull.

Could you go down there and look and see what's down there?

Yes, he can.

So, old skull.

Matt can delete Mr.

Skull from this very.

Now, I'm not going to get rid of Mr.

Skull.

No, wait a second.

What kind of technology is in Mr.

Skull that he can float around?

Like, will he just fall like a rock?

That's a good question.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, somebody's like, how do we do that?

How do servants far can they fly?

I don't know.

That's a good question.

Maybe we just all hold on to him and he lowers us down.

Oh, he definitely can't hold you.

Oh, these seem like little thrusters anti-crowning.

I think they can fly.

Tell you what, Mr.

Skull will hover over the pit and look down and he says it is very dark the footprints continue down the side of the wall something feels and you see him kind of like moving like he's almost getting pulled yeah the skull is almost like getting pulled towards the sides of the wall a little bit oh mr skull maybe you should come back down and he pulls up he goes it's odd in there gravity is yeah there is anti-gravity they do have anti-gravity gravity is odd in there gravity's odd in there Interesting.

Well, okay, I throw a rock down the pit.

Okay.

When you throw the rock, the trajectory is normalized as hovering over the pit.

And as it starts dropping in the pit, suddenly it's as if gravity is going towards the wall and the rock goes sideways and hits the wall of the pit.

And then the rest there.

So what we got to do is we got to drive very fast.

We got to walk down it.

Or drive.

We could drive.

We just have to go fast enough that the back doesn't get hit by the lip when the gravity changes.

I say we put the govercraft into gear and we just step aside and see what happens.

No one in it.

Slowly over the edge.

And then if it goes and then we can get back in it.

But until then, right?

I think that's a great idea.

Okay.

How are we going to get back in it?

Well, if we'll just run after it because then that means gravity works that we'll be going down the wall by the message right right.

Okay.

I guess we should probably like progressively use heavier things.

It'd be very stupid to be like, here we go.

Tyler, Tyler starts running.

Yeah.

It's like, I feel very confident.

You're running?

Yeah.

Tyler just starts running.

Wait, Tyler does it.

Tyler, towards the pit?

I start running after Tyler.

Okay, do you go over the edge?

Yeah.

You do go over the edge, but you don't feel going over the edge.

You're running and you just turn 90 degrees and you're just, as you're running, you just suddenly are running in a giant tunnel.

Indeed, it seems like the moment you get over the edge, gravity is shifting downwards as if the edges of this tunnel is now, you know, pulling you down.

Say, fellow sylvans of the Impelium.

Okay, and again, the cover graph.

Yeah, I'm going to drive the cover graph.

Okay, you're going to drive through this tunnel?

Yeah.

I jump back in the cover graph.

Do you want to drive quickly or slowly?

Oh, it feels like quickly.

Quickly.

We don't have much time until the file comes out again.

Yeah, it feels like quickly.

I turn on the headlights.

Okay.

There's no headlights on the cover graph, but there are on Mr.

Skull and he has

two giant eyes.

He goes, ah, life.

Can we make him the hood ornament on the cover graph?

So you start driving down this tunnel.

It is burnt rock, almost a perfect cylinder.

You're driving straight down it.

And then all of a sudden, there's just

a perfect cylinder.

What?

My dick.

Perfect.

Up ahead.

It just ends completely flat.

Yeah.

Perfect cylinder.

Up ahead, almost a straight line.

Your dick is huge, but it ends in a perfect flat.

He has a huge dick.

And circumcision now.

It's a perfect cylinder of rock, and up in the distance, you can see the lights are suddenly reflecting.

It looks like there's a straight line, and all of a sudden there's a middle and it looks like this a little cone going towards a smaller point.

Wade's guns out, gentlemen.

Oh, Mr.

Skull, could you go check that out, please?

Yes, of course.

So you're saying that as we're going towards it, it becomes converges into it.

It converges into a little point.

Yes.

Tyler's going to go out with the server.

Vitamix puts a hand on Tyler's shoulder and is like, Tyler,

I know you're really enthusiastic, but I'm the security guy.

So I know that I've got other priorities.

You just said you wanted to leave the planet on a ship.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll say that.

But

just a coward and a heretic.

And the gimbal will deal with you in time.

Just stay behind me.

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

Let's see.

Vitamix is a nice masculine role model for you, young man.

Tyler just keeps...

Tyler runs to make sure he's ahead of Vitamix.

You got your chance, and you blew it.

But, but, but.

No, not my dad.

Now I'm following this.

My dad is back in Nava's Beacon, sucking Blambles through his jaw because you idiots couldn't stop the...

Quit the.

Oh, my, my dad.

Oh, no, but he's branded.

Tyler burst into chance.

Oh, Tyler burst.

Oh, Norship.

Norship.

And he immediately tries to shake it off and go, no, the mission.

The mission must take priority.

Okay, so you're running into the cylinder?

Yeah, alongside him.

And then In the back, I go to Nordstrom.

Nordsham appears you've lost all your friends, but

I have a bit of what I like to call an investment opportunity.

Why don't you try my personal air conditioning device?

Your what?

My personal air conditioning device.

My back.

Have you been doing this like on company time?

No, no, this is on my this is when the three hours when we're sleeping.

Well, you're supposed to be sleeping so that you can get up and harvest blood berries.

Oh, that's why the quota's been low.

Very well, I guess I'll keep it.

It's time for your damn hobbies,

I guess I'll keep my personal air conditioning device to myself.

Jesus Christ.

Who's that?

Jesus Christ.

Who's that?

Are all you running towards the cylinder?

Yep.

Okay.

The cylinder seems to be converging almost like it's a funnel.

So you start climbing.

You start the tip of the cylinder.

Yes.

You start climbing up the tip of the cylinder.

You get to the little hole where there's a funnel.

Do you want to crawl through it?

How big is it?

Big enough that you can crawl.

Is it like a servitor skull-sized hole?

Yeah, a servitor skull can go through it.

I mean, it's big enough for you to crawl through through it.

Could you take a peek on the other side for us?

Tyler's going to go with him because Tyler says, just so you know, if the file goes off again, it's going to incinerate everybody who's not in this hole.

Oh, very stupid point.

Yes.

Very well.

Let's go.

As Governor, I say we all go through the hole.

Now, hold on, just so I understand.

Is it still the hole funneled down that we're actually crawling down into the earth?

Yeah, but I mean, well,

you're sideways.

You're tucking us to the side.

Got it, got it.

I mean, you're going closer and closer to the center of this rock.

Jeez, this is what the Paul Giamatti movie Sideways was about.

You start crawling through this hole.

It's just enough for a single file one at a time.

What's the order that you're all going in?

Tile is full.

I'm second.

I'll be good.

After you.

After you, I insist.

Oh, no, after you.

No, the governor is always first in, last out.

Fucking asshole.

I go in.

As you're crawling, you begin to smell like something's beginning to burn and you hear

almost like a lighter beginning to light up.

To your right, there's a little opening, almost like another cylinder is connecting to this one, the little T-section, the ventilation shaft that you're climbing in.

And you see a service hatch, and it says engine service hatch to the right.

And you hear the snapping of fire again.

Which direction is it coming from?

To the right.

To the right?

It's coming from the service hatch.

The service hatch is to the right.

And if you look straight down, you begin to see a little bright light like fire.

This is one of those Elden Ring fire tunnel things where you got to jump to the side so that you don't get zorched by the wall of flame.

So do you want to get into the service hatch before the fire comes?

Yes.

The servitor walks up and goes, ah, yes, the service hatch.

It has a passcode.

It was a passcode that you all heard pieces of previously.

I will now solve the puzzle myself.

Wait, no, no, no.

This is what we can do.

This is 6 and 9 and 7, 2, 3.

Mine is all between 7 and 3.

All between 7 and 3.

Mine was just 63.

I'm pretty sure mine was 6, 7, 8, and then something comes after.

I had a 6 and a 9, and then something about 7 and 3.

We're not going to be able to solve it.

No, just read the 3.

Okay, yeah, let's solve the puzzle then.

Beth, you heard he was running into the field to the east, and he was mumbling 63, 6 and 3.

60.

Freddie, you heard all is between 7 and 3.

Okay.

Will, you heard they all have numbers six to nine.

This might only be for Warhammer nerds, that one, but they all have one, but one of them has two.

They have seven and three.

They all have numbers six to nine.

They all have one.

Anthony's glue is seven, nine, eight, but what comes next?

Seven, nine, eight.

All is in seven and seven, three.

It's all been seven and three.

63, six and three.

I'm going to have a stroke.

Seven, nine, eight.

They all have numbers six through two minutes before we burn.

Between seven and three, so that means the last ditch is probably a three.

So it feels like it's different numbers.

It's like a combination.

It's a combination.

7, 9, 8, 6, 3.

Yes.

7 9 8 6 3 dude we did it woo sorry for the nerdy stuff so there's four chaos gods and they all have sacred numbers nine eight seven six but then nurgle has two numbers seven and three oh great

oh my god is slanesh six and nine no slanesh is just uh six which one's 420 uh none of them what

the service hatch opens and I'm kicking everybody.

Tyler, you slip in.

And now, in order, I'm going to increase the difficulty because you begin to see fire coming towards this tube.

At any point, Anthony, because

you get to declose the door if you want.

But the people you leave behind 100% do die.

So I give you that power.

Oh, my God.

Tylerius looks back at this band of brigands and cowards

and heretics

and he says the emblem is given me a gift this day and he closes

I just really know not to give that to any so here's what happens as you close the door you look around and you see you are in the maintenance shaft and it is some sort of engine room to some starship.

You are in some sort of starship.

Okay.

You three, I'll give you a few moments to.

Toy Story moment.

We all hug each other.

You guys are saying to the mother now.

When I said you blew it, it was really me.

I didn't notice until right now that nothing matters except love.

Do you want to make out?

Yeah.

The story just scrolls looking at you.

He's like, you do have the code.

You can try to open the door and

be stronger

than this child.

Who is behind?

Of course, of course, of course.

Who is behind?

Who is behind?

You were.

Okay, here's your choice, Code.

79863.

This is like hiking on Everest.

It's your choice.

So now the two of them have to hope that you indeed open this door.

Yeah, I can fucking do it.

So Tyler's got his back up against the door.

So we're going to do something.

Oh, you should try and reprogram it.

Do you want to try to convince Tyler/slash Anthony to let you in?

I realized I'm in love, yes,

with

the Emperor.

I realize that nobody matters except for the Emperor.

I love that I can't ever see him, but I love long-distance relationships, and I was thinking that I would devote my life to him.

There is a persuasion skill.

I have a better strength than persuasion.

I will let Beth roll.

Beth gets a chance to roll.

So I'll roll my strength as well.

You roll your strength as well.

Beth, you do have three wrath points.

What did you get?

I got no successes.

Oh, I got three successes in a corgi.

Wow.

Sorry, guess the podcast can't be funny.

Okay.

Vitamix pushes the door open.

Tylarius sees you come in and goes, oh, the god emperor must have chosen you to be spelled.

Throws the door behind you.

And hold it tight.

I close the door.

What?

We just paid out.

Okay.

It was such an unsatisfying kiss that you're like, I do love the Emperor now more than anything.

It was your rumpspringho from Freddy.

Yeah.

You and

Nordstrom.

I will let you each roll a strength check.

You two roll a chip.

Would you really close the door?

Yeah.

You two now roll a strength check against YouTube.

Yeah.

It's like we're combined.

I got three successes and a corgi.

I got one success.

We canceled each other out.

One success.

You need a roll better than three successes.

And a critical on the Wrath die.

Oh, shit.

I have one strength point.

So it's not possible.

I have two Wrath points.

You can burn them.

You can burn them, dude.

No, there's nothing you can't burn.

What about the Servitor?

Servitor's in here with me.

So you two.

Deck got a one-on-one dice roll.

So it's a very good fan.

Vitamix and Tyler.

So you've decided to push the service hatch closed.

And you're listening to the struggles of your, I guess, just two compatriots behind you.

I'm not listening.

I'm talking.

I'm like, yeah, she was leading me on.

I will cut to you guys in a second.

The servo skull goes, oh, well, you two are quite ruthless.

The Emperor does.

Wait, did the servitor make it through?

Yeah, he was in front.

Yeah, he was in front.

I was right behind him.

Mr.

Skull, open the door.

I am not strong enough to open the door.

There's nothing I can do.

Just blow yourself up and kill them.

Mr.

Skull, I have good news.

It does new management towns.

I know.

I said, blow yourself up and kill them.

It can't do that.

It can start trying to kill itself.

It can't really kill itself.

You're telling me these fucking Imperium guys, they don't have a self-destruct mechanism?

Hey, is there final wish?

You know what?

I want to blow the door up so that I can get through.

It does not have any way to blow up a door.

It is just a skull with little thrusters and little scribes and pens and shit.

It can't blow up a door.

They can write you a poem real quick.

What it can do.

Look,

this is going to be.

You ask us some recipes.

Okay, Mr.

Skull does hear you.

So this is what happens.

This is the time.

This is what happens.

Mr.

Skull, having come into this room, is kind of flying around and analyzing everything.

He's kind of freaking out a little bit.

And you hear him muttering something about space hulk.

A space hulk?

A ship.

This whole planet.

We're in a ship.

But when he hears your command, Nordstrom, he is going to kind of snap out of it, turn really sharply and look right at you two, Vinemax and Taylor.

And he's indeed going to listen to you, Will, and he's going to fly straight at them, trying to, I don't know, attack them or hit them with a skull or whatever it is.

You have a very small chance of it hurting one of them.

You can go ahead and try to swat it away if you want.

I have my back up against the door.

I'll just take out my last pistol and shoot at it.

Okay.

Ballistics plus agility, I believe.

Oh, bro.

Three successes.

I'm going to roll my weapon skill,

which I get seven dice for.

And I also got three successes.

So, Mr.

Skull, the exposition piece as well, you've discarded.

If your name is Mr.

Skull, can I get some head?

And then you realize that Vitamix might not be a good person.

You succeeded so well that you shoot Mr.

Skull in the head that causes him to spin off course.

And he is sliced in half by, what do you have, Beth?

Do you have a gun also?

I actually use my knife.

Okay, yeah, you slice Mr.

Skull in half.

And its last words are

deleted.

And it dies.

We're inside the tube with you two now.

Okay.

To shoot their gun and swing their knife, they took their hands off the door.

No, my back's up against it.

I'm bracing myself against it, but you're not pushing against it.

Yeah, I am.

I have my feet braced.

You could hold the door close.

Okay, well, Ben can't swing a knife without taking a step.

It's like it was flying at me.

I just skewered it, man.

All right.

I just fucking skewered it.

You each one desperate last move to do.

I personally...

as Holy Father, DM, friend, and fellow player, have absolutely no idea what you could do to make you not die as much as I wish it could.

I am hoping you two can think of something that can be done.

I mean, we could just do another strength check.

I'm going to run to the hover mobile

and activate my personal air conditioning unit, which is, I will note, now revealing to all of you that asteroid, bro, that asteroid carried foul warp, Chris.

At least you're going to die slightly temperate.

And I'm activating my thing.

I'm like, invention do fail me now.

like they say it wants to be a millionaire is that your final answer that is what you've chosen to do okay well so fraze ran off to the government raft the covering raft and you see light is flowing through the tunnel and yes the fire is coming towards you betrayed by her son

and and the only man she ever loved

Nordstrom Rack realizes that only an act of true faith can save her.

Oh,

so she decides to walk into the flames and count on the grace of the holy father, the God Emperor Himself, to spare her.

This is what the Adeptus Auroras do, and it works for them sometimes.

Yep, it does.

Okay.

So

here's what we're going to do.

The flames come.

An engine turns on.

These engines are like 10 times Apollo engines.

Like these are, you guys were walking through something that's just a mile long.

No, you don't roll anything.

You walk towards the flames and tell me her last words.

So

Nordstromrak shuts her eyes and walks towards the heat and says, Love the Emperor, for he is the salvation of mankind.

Obey his words, for he will lead you to the light of the future.

Heed his wisdom, for he will protect you from evil.

Whispers prayers,

the lights of the future.

Instantly, you're gone.

Fire.

No, there's just nothing.

It's just absolutely.

It's very hard to see depth opportunities.

Like, that's why you gotta sound a trainer.

Dr.

Mix swings open the door.

It's like, beautiful rocks.

Tylerius dives out of the way

of the door that's about to get engulfed in flame.

Do you do that?

What if I do?

Okay.

One second.

So fine.

This is the hardest we've ever made it for the DM, and this is Matt's second time ever DMing.

Yeah, Freddy.

Yeah.

You're on the government.

I'm running.

I'm running.

Convention to me.

Explain now.

Explain to me what you're doing.

So I'm just getting into the governor craft and juicing it back the way we came while I'm activating and turning this air conditioner device I have on my belt to full power, Matt.

100%.

In fact, I even pry up the knob and I manually pull it even farther and it pass 100% and it's vibrating with the dark.

It's vibrating.

It's working.

It's really cool in there.

And it's vibrating with the dark energy of the warp, man.

The warp.

Because there are warp crystals in there.

And I go, oh, shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's feeling cool on your skin.

I go, invention, don't fail me now.

This is my ticket out of here.

God.

The engine.

If the fellow citizens of Navis can see, what they do see is giant columns of fire shooting out into the sky, which you now recognize as the fuel exhaust of a giant, giant spaceship.

Beth, you said that you opened the door.

Look, I heard beautiful words.

Here's.

I thought there was love for me.

I'm sorry, Matt.

Isn't it fucking illegal to fucking fall in love?

No, here's what I'm going to do.

I was just thinking that, like, maybe somebody would fucking care about me.

It's not illegal.

No cop is pulling you over.

Nobody's stopping you from happening.

But fire doesn't have

moles.

Fire doesn't care about your feelings.

Fire doesn't give a solitary fuck about me.

So

this is the Warhammer unit.

I'm going to let.

The difference is going to be this:

I'm going to let Anthony roll an agility test.

Okay.

You obviously are not because you opened the door.

Anthony roll an agility test.

I mean, I can open the door and still like dodge.

And there's no safety mechanism that doesn't allow the door to be open.

Yeah, there really should be.

I said that.

Do I roll athletics?

I would have said yes, but then I clearly explained that that's what I would have done.

But then Beth decided that she still wanted to open the door and I don't want to tell her no.

So she decided to open the door.

Okay, so I'm athletics.

Yeah.

It's a corgi and a six.

So four successes and a critical wrath success.

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to roll damage to both of you.

Okay.

Because fired.

I mean, it's just a small little.

Yeah, it's just a small little damage.

Don't worry.

I'm going to roll fire fire damage.

What is each of yours resilience?

Five.

Five?

Five.

And how many wounds do you each have?

Max wounds is six for me.

Oh, max wounds, three.

I'm a sensitive soul.

I'm rolling ten dice.

Jesus.

Matt's disappointed.

That means we lived.

Yeah, so what happens is you open the door and you screw.

What were your words to Nordstrom?

Come back.

Come back.

Oh no.

So you say, come back, and

and flames

bursts burst

into your little small maintenance chamber

and it fills the entire room and you both get flash burn because it's just and it's in and out.

You both take two wounds.

You stand up and you find yourself alone.

Blimey!

Why did that happen?

Behind you, you see the hatch that you shut on your friends has fused

and melted shut.

There's no way back.

The lights around you flicker.

In front of you, a large metallic door slides open and shut, damaged from the blast.

Blood is smeared along the handle, clearly from the guardsman that you were searching for.

But before he left the room, he spent some of his blood painting the same symbol he showed you.

The same symbol that somebody slipped into Nordstrom's pocket.

The eight-pointed star in honor of chaos.

A sin against the emperor, and a sign of certain death to all those who see it.

I'm scalable.

Dad Hammer is Mad Arnold as our God Emperor DM, Anthony Birch as Tylerius Andromedas, Will Campos as North Somrack, Beth May as Vinamix Blendar, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Juicius Lucius.

Theme song by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Lashie Nicolette is our community manager.

Cordy Terry is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Else is our lead editor.

And Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

The rest of this series will be on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads, where you can find the other mini-series we've done, some of which obliquely tie into the main feed storyline, others of which are just, well, I don't know how I would describe the Star Wars one, gunguns and daddies, all that jizz, other than let's just say it lives up to the title.

Patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for supporting us.

And season three will continue November 5th.

We will see you then.

I'm so eyes and horny.

You're such a Horus heresy.

She siege on my terra

until I grew up eyes in their horn.

She eyes in my horn until I see Nas.

Come for the come good.