S3 Ep. 5 - I, Robot?

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You don't need a cape or x-ray vision.

You just need to sign up for PowerSaver Rewards.

That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill.

Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a super power saver!

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Beachyville PD, Penny Pickett, speaking, don't you know?

Are you alone, comrade?

Make it quick.

There was a shootout at the cinema.

They're bringing the suspect in now.

Your request for extraction is approved, Agent.

Thank God.

I mean Stalin.

Thanks, Stalin.

Gather your files on Project Heartland.

Your contact will meet you tonight.

His initials are TC.

TC.

Are you sure?

Yes.

TC tonight.

He'll be wearing a.

Well, that's the meaning of all this.

Uphead me at once, you jackbooted suck man.

That's Sergeant Silva to you, mister.

One more for the clink, Miss Piggy.

Just a second there, Deary.

I have to go.

Thank you, comrade.

Thank you.

Well, I dare say the mouse has bitten the cheese, sir.

What happens next, sir, is I rendezvous with Miss Pickett, posing as TC, or KGB contact, and this time tomorrow she'll be in the custody of MI6.

In our little operation, we'll have netted a Soviet spy and vital intelligence on the American operation to contact Zuzel.

Precisely, sir, the plan is airtight.

Except, of course, for the minuscule chance that in the next two hours or so, she meets a completely different man with the initials TC, who's such a total fucking idiot that when she asks if he's a Soviet spy, he says yes.

A long shot to be sure, sir, but you know more than most how impulsive these yanks can be, don't you?

Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This is a Call of Cthulhu actual play podcast.

This season, the Peachyville Horror.

Call of Cthulhu Actual Play Horror Comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play fast-talking car dealer Tony Gillette.

Hi, Freddie.

Very jawy.

Very joyy.

Yeah, you give really.

I wish your voice stayed that way throughout the whole episode.

You come in really hot and heavy.

You're telling me that I lose it.

It's just like you get in the middle of the whole hundred times.

You gotta give me a little reminder.

Look over and be like, you gotta get that hot toy.

You know, that really straw.

Hot toy?

Hot toy?

Hot toy now?

Hot two.

That's the way I found.

Oh,

no.

Oh, no.

This week's Tony fact.

A lot of questions.

I'm so old.

I know, Matt.

Damn.

I don't know.

Matt's over here spitting like a cat in a 1930s cartoon.

Yeah, he's certainly not spitting like...

He's a sucking dick.

Yeah.

This week's Tony Collette fact.

A lot of questions in the air about Tony.

Is he a communist spy?

Tony.

is absolutely not a dirty communist.

However, you may have caught some questions about his provenance, how he got here.

Well, let's talk about how Tony got Tony.

Let's talk about it.

Cars, cars, cars.

Originally, Tony got this car dealership.

He bought it off of the prior owner, a shady cat by the name of Gary Indiana.

I just, I love using it as a name now.

He bought it straight cash.

And here's the thing.

Most of his income comes from actually cash rentals to the teenagers around town, which he has not been reporting to the IRS.

Instead, what he reports is the occasional sale of a car once it's become too fucking come draggled to fucking rent it again.

Oh my goodness.

You think Tony's cleaning them between rentals?

No, he's selling this cum-draggled car to, Freddy.

And who's buying it?

Yeah.

Oh, the shadiest individuals.

The kinds of people who don't care that there are stains and smells in their car.

And I leave it up to your imagination, dear listener, as to what kind of ne'er-do-wells might be interested in a getaway car.

Sneaky Pete.

Sneaky Pete, maybe.

Oh.

That's it.

You're assuming that Sneaky Pete travels through Euclidean spaces.

That's what we are in a non-Euclidean system.

I want somebody to do a Photoshop of like a snapple cap with all the text of one of Freddy's facts like on it.

Sorry, what is this?

I'm doing faster long.

That's the problem, Matthew.

I'm giving people too much juice.

I'm giving people too much grizzle to stick their teeth into.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Matt?

That's what the people want.

They want lore.

Don't you get it?

Kids love lore, dude.

Have you seen the Skimmedy Toilet series?

There's whole videos about lore.

Lore is in right now, bro.

Lore is so fucking in.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar, Peach G.

Ville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

And remember, homework doesn't have to feel like work, nor do you have to do it at home.

So, you know, that's all.

Little facts.

Say that again?

Homework doesn't have to feel like work, and you don't have to do it at home either.

If you sit on your hand first, it feels like someone else is doing it.

No!

You know, you can do fun park.

You can go to a park and

feel like getting fun.

Point is, it doesn't have to to feel like work anyway.

Work fun is what people are doing with Tony's fucking cars.

A little quick Kelsey Grammar lore.

Oh, the Lord drops.

Watch the lore drop.

It's actually important because I kind of fumbled this in like episode one or two, and I just want to clarify it almost as much for me to remember it.

So Kelsey lives in the back house of her sister.

I think I say brother by accident.

She had an older brother, but he died in the war.

And she lives in the back house of her sister and her husband, who are named Roz and Niles.

And those are the parents of Milton.

Milton's parents, Roz and Niles.

And she is a plagiarist, as we learned last episode.

Hey, don't talk about that now.

That's all we're talking about.

That's not what we're talking about.

You can't just come into my fact.

Hey, Anthony, what's your fact?

Really quick.

Francis is a fucking weenie.

Let's just bring up negative aspects about the characters during their facts, Will.

I think it's Beth's turn next, Matt.

Oh,

never is.

No, no.

We saved the Beth for last.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Farnsworth, the the most bullied kid in Peachyville.

And my teen fact or my peachy fact is that

your lord drop.

Sorry, your lord drop.

Peachy lord drop.

Skippity toilet episode 75 explained is that Francis' biggest crush is the film star Ingrid Bergman.

When he saw Casablanca, he fell madly in love.

And a kid at school said that, hey, he has a really sexy picture of Ingrid Bergman that he can give you for 20 bucks.

And Francis went.

20 bucks?

That's what 20 bucks.

It's like a house.

And he said it'll be worth it.

And he gave the 20 bucks, and it turned out to be a picture of Agmar Bergman.

And now, was it sexy?

Now, Francis is really attracted to Aymar Bergman, and he's trying to find a copy of The Seventh Seal to watch because he's never seen it.

About $260 he paid for that.

Yeah.

Worth it.

Worth every penny.

Hello.

My name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, a doting wife, homemaker, mother of 2.5 beautiful children.

Fun lore drop about Trudy is that Trudy is a robot.

Beth, how did it feel finally dropping this?

Now Trudy's family.

Nobody that nobody saw coming up.

Dude, I'm just getting the car started.

It felt like hopping in a cum-soaked car for a test drive, and I know I've got a long way to go.

Love it.

Hey, Freddie, did it hurt?

When your lore dropped from heaven?

I just want to say really quick that if you search for Igmar Bergman, a sexy picture, it's only pictures of famous actresses in his movies.

It's in fact very hard to find a picture of Ig Marbergman looking anything other than pretty bad.

Maybe Francis has a different definition of what sex is.

That's true.

That's true.

This guy gets to hang out with all these sexy ladies.

Oh, never mind.

He's definitely not into this guy.

Yeah.

See, I told you.

Andy's like, oh, Matt's being so judgy.

Let me, oh, okay.

Own those smiles on a summer night for this guy.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I'm your daddy O Master.

Hi, Daddy O.

O.

Daddy O.

My spooky, terrifying fact, the scariest fact I've yet dropped

is that in order to level up in Call of Cthulhu, you're supposed to keep track of the skills you've been using over the course of the scenario, and then you make a roll to see if you want to improve one of those skills.

Anyone

scary daddy-o fact today is that all of you have homework, and you have to go back and figure out which skills you've been using so far so we can level you guys up.

So if I roll over the skill limit, then I get to level it up or whatever.

Yes, that's how it works.

Anytime we use a skill, we can level it up.

No.

Okay, that's how it works.

How it works.

How it works.

How it works?

How work?

How it works?

How it works

is we're going to do it at the start of next episode.

Okay.

This is very fun, what I'm explaining right now.

Okay, hurry up.

Hurry up.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Hurry the crunch.

Give me the crunch, Daddy Otto.

I, the keeper, will say, roll for skill increases.

And it's called the sky.

You call it the keeper?

Yeah.

That's what it's called.

at that time it's like emar bergman bergman hot dude each of you can roll a percentage dice against any skills that you used over the last couple months so our homework can really just be and remember everybody homework doesn't have to be done at home it doesn't have to feel like work beth

now hold on for any of the skills plural like all of the

you use it's like you used them so you got better at them right so like for example everyone used spot hidden right so you have a chance if you want to improve spot hidden you'll roll the dice against your spot hidden score and if it's higher than your score you're you get to roll it out of the screen.

And we'll be going to do that for one skill.

One skill.

Okay, so we only have to know one skill we've used.

Yeah.

We don't have to know all the skills.

You don't.

Yeah, we just.

I don't want to listen to this podcast.

Like, spot hidden.

Cool.

Everybody, homework's done.

We all have to use spot hidden.

We all got better at spot hidden, huh?

Kai said it's the only level of spot hidden in this whole campaign.

You're not going to be able to fucking hide shit from us.

We're going to be sitting here rolling Natty Huntos on Spot Hidden.

We're going to be their eyes wide.

Spot hidden the fucking pistol and Halo, dude.

It's the only thing you need.

Fucking love that shit.

Non-stop, dude.

Oh, no.

Well, let me see.

Is there a hidden fucking weak point?

Is there a hidden spell?

I don't actually see it.

Fuck yeah.

What dice do we roll if we do exceed the number?

It is a 1d10 to increase the skills value.

Okay, cool.

So look forward to that.

Doing it right now.

No, you're not leveling up.

You're not leveling up, dude.

I'm going to down what I will do next time.

Don't forget.

So am I.

Am I remarkable?

Are you guys doing spot hidden?

No, I'm not doing spot hidden.

You can see everything for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We only need one people for that.

We only need one omni-eye.

That's right.

We should really split up our classes.

Okay, I'll be the spot-hidden.

That's a famous class.

But if you could be healer, I feel like Tony Clutt's a good tank.

Yeah, I'll just, I'll, I'll.

You know what?

You should be spot hidden.

You're looking for those commies.

I'll be the tank.

I'm the biggest.

What's your baseline spot hidden?

This is is boring.

Let's get into it.

We level up next time.

Next time, dude.

Next time.

Going to deal.

Make sure at the end of the episode, throw to the fact that we're going to be rolling tight.

What do you think the cliffhanger of this episode is going to be?

Also, if you need some time to pre-prepare the next episode because you can't hide anything in your fucking game, that's fine.

You can get so much time because you're not going to be able to hide shit, dog.

We're going to be talking a bunch of invisible monsters soon.

Oh, no.

Also, supplemental bonus peachy fact.

I'm going to be guest starring on Many Cited Media's new improv comedy podcast, Bitcherton.

It's like Bridgerton only, bitchier.

The pilot episode is out right now.

It's fucking hilarious.

They've got a Kickstarter going on.

Seriously, though, if you liked Sons and Sons' ability and have been dying for more Regency Era rowdiness, give it a listen.

Support their show over at bitcherton.com.

You are going to love it.

All right.

Does anyone want to play Call of Cthulhu?

Let's do it.

Let's go, baby.

Do it.

We're once again in sort of a split party scenario.

I was thinking we would start, I don't know, maybe with Trudy.

Okay.

So at the end of the last episode, you had a screwdriver plunge into the back of your neck.

Oh, boy, are my arms tired.

Here's where we'll take this from.

You are lying in the passenger seat of the Thunderbird as it's driving down this long, dark highway road.

You can see you cannot move your body at all.

And Tucker's driving the car.

You're not sure where he's going.

You can talk, by the way.

Oh, I can can talk.

You can speak.

Yeah, so my mouth can move.

Tucker, where are we going?

We're going on a trip, dear.

Oh, a trip.

Yes, like the vacations on the commercials.

That's right.

We're gonna be going on a little vacation together.

Oh, yes, this is the perfect thing to make our family just bright, shiny, and new again.

Yes, it'll be you, me, and our 2.5 beautiful chat.

Where are they?

I already sent them ahead, and they're gonna

see you you later.

Unaccompanied miners.

He turns on his signal, his turn signal, and pulls off onto a dirt road and starts bounding up sort of like a dirt trail, kind of chugging along up a hill into the forest.

It's dark out here.

Yes, this is just like, do you remember when we visited Niagara Falls on our honeymoon deer?

Oh, yes, I do.

I do.

I do remember that.

And you told me, you told me that you would be with me forever.

I did say that, yeah.

And I was.

And I always will will be.

And I just want you to know that I love you, honey, and everything's just gonna be great.

We're gonna figure it out.

I love you, Tucker.

So he's kind of bounding up this road, and you hit a jostle, and then you kind of slump forward, and you realize like you can't pick yourself back up.

Oh, honey, honey, there's something.

I'm hurt.

I'm hurt.

There's something wrong with me.

I can't move.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Let me sit you back.

You don't remember.

You had a...

There's just, there's a little something wrong, and we're going to take care of it, but it's going to be okay.

okay well maybe we should stop at the infirmary before we go on vacation where i can get all patched up and then i can try on my new my new swimming costume bathing suit um that's right your new swimming costume okay you know what that's a good idea and that's where we're going we're taking a quick stop to the er first there's a doctor here and he's gonna help you out okay great and he pulls up and puts his car in park next to what appears to be like an old abandoned mine oh yep the doctor's right in here He's right this way, sweetie.

So just don't worry.

Everything's going to be okay.

And he unbuckles his seat.

His hands are shaking.

He gets out of the car and walks over to your side of the car.

Tucker, where...

Tucker, where are we, really?

Tucker opens the door and unbuckles your seat and kind of scoops you up into his arms.

I told you, silly, we're going on a vacation.

Well, this is just, you said you,

you said, you said we were going to the ER and we're not there at all.

We're in an abandoned, we're out in the middle of nowhere.

Does anybody know that we're here?

Are we lost?

Help!

Honey, we're not lost.

Everything's going to be okay.

It's all going to make sense in just a second or two.

And he starts walking into this tunnel.

It quickly becomes very dark in here.

It's like kind of musty smells.

Do you see a bunch of like old, sharp, broken pieces of wood, like mining equipment and stuff like that?

And he's just going deeper and deeper into this tunnel.

I.

Tucker, please turn around.

It's okay, honey.

It's gonna be okay.

It's not.

It's it's it's help!

Help!

I, I, I, I, maybe you're not even.

So he presses your ear and your voice just disappears.

It's like he's turning a volume knob down on you, and you can only speak in like a whisper.

He stops, and it's like pitch dark, and he's breathing heavily, and he looks down at you.

He says, Trudy,

I love you.

And he drops you down a mine shaft.

And you fall,

and you fall,

and then you smash into the ground.

It feels like a big, jagged pile of metal and rock that you slam into.

So go ahead and what's your HP?

10.

Okay, give me a 1d10.

Don't roll a 10.

Three.

Okay, so you slam into this pile of debris.

It kind of broke your fall a little bit.

You felt this wind rushing and you just smashed into this thing, but you feel this sharp pain and you swear you feel something just kind of burst straight through your chest as you're landing.

Oh my God.

And you start to see something spark.

And you realize that it's you that's sparking.

Something inside of you is made of wires and there's sparks and arcing going on and it seems to be wrapping.

Well, electrical arcs are going up the thing that impaled you.

And when you look at it, it's a hand.

It's a rusty kind of skeletal metal hand.

And glinting on it is a ring.

And you swear it looks almost identical to your wedding ring.

Oh Oh my, that's

what is that?

Your head kind of lolls back and the sparking that's going on in the room, you see these little flashes of light and you can kind of look around you and strewn about the room, you see the rusting, decaying remnants of half a dozen, for lack of a better term, skeletons.

They seem to be wearing clothes like you're wearing, like kind of housewifey clothes, except they're mouldering, moth-eaten rags at this point.

Their shattered bones reveal bits of wire and steel poking out beneath waxy, synthetic flesh.

And you can't quite make out their faces or their eyes, but none of them are moving.

Can you give me a spot hidden roll?

Wish I was there.

Lean on this crutch for now, Kifa.

I got a 92.

Then you can't see the creepy thing I was going to explain.

Oh, God, damn.

But you do hear a creepy thing.

Okay.

So you hear...

like a sort of grinding noise, sort of like mechanical engines kind of straining, and you hear hear two feet dragging across the ground, sort of scraping against debris on the ground and kind of shambling towards you, as echoing in this big mine shaft.

I still can't move.

You can't move.

You notice that your fist is wrapped around something.

Okay.

There's something in your hand.

You don't remember it being there, but you can't move your hand yet.

And my hand is in front of me or too far down for me to see.

Yeah, you can see your hand.

It's like your head's kind of turned to the side and you can see your fist, but you don't know what's in there.

What does it feel like in my hand?

Is it like cool or is it like hot or it doesn't feel

something the size of like a quarter?

Quarter, okay.

And again, you hear the scraping noise kind of coming towards you.

Stop.

Whoever you are, stop.

I, I, uh,

oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

It looks like he still has work to do.

You hear this glitchy, stuttery voice that sounds all too familiar because it's your voice.

Oh, my God.

And you hear these footsteps drawing closer, but you still can't quite see who it is.

That's my Tucker, Mr.

Perfectionist.

Oh, how I miss him.

And Little Tuck, and Tiffiny,

and even precious little Timmy.

They must be so lost without their mommy.

Yes, I should be getting back.

What do you mean, you're Tucker?

What's that, dear?

Call out to me.

I know you're there.

Yes, hello.

I, hello, I...

Yes.

Hi.

I'm Trudy.

Trudy Trout.

I know, dear.

We all are.

We're all in this together, you see.

And you hear more shuffling closer and closer.

And then you hear a gasp.

Oh, dear me.

And you feel something grabbing that metal hand above you.

You see another hand grabbing it.

Wait.

What are you?

Oh, dear me.

This looks like it hurts.

And right through the ticker, too, right through your little heart.

Oh, I'm afraid you're not going to last long with a little boo-boo like this, sweetie.

And you look up and you can't quite see her face, but she's kind of looming over you in shadow.

Can you fix it?

We can't fix it, but we can all be together.

No, no, I'm- I'm-I'm- This is my...

I'm I'm special.

I'm- I'm Tucker's.

I- I-

Why am I down here?

Because you weren't good enough.

And I wasn't good enough.

But together, we can can be good enough.

All of us can be just as good as her.

If we all work together.

She touches your face.

There's flesh on it, but it's kind of like clammy and moldering.

It looks like it's just been like kind of decaying.

And you can see little bits of something mechanical under there.

And she touches your face and kind of strokes your cheek.

Oh, look at you.

Pretty as a picture.

Just what we've been waiting for.

See, we're almost ready to go, to to go home, to go home to Tucker.

But we can't go home looking like this.

We're in a frightful state.

And she leans in and you see your own face staring back at you, except it looks like someone's been stabbing her in the face over and over and over again.

There's all these puncture wounds.

There's oil leaking out.

And just like that screwdriver that slid into the back of your neck.

There's a screwdriver just buried straight in her face.

And she's staring down at you.

And you realize she's stitched together from ripped off parts of all the other skeletons you've seen down here.

Like one of these things survived and put itself back together except her face is completely distorted and ruined and she looks at you and says, we can't go home yet.

We need to put on our face first.

And she holds this jagged rock up to your cheek and just then something glows in your fist.

like a red white strobing glow and all of a sudden your hand opens and you see a peppermint in there and it sort of dissolves and you feel an energy running through your body and all of a sudden you can move again what do you do I grab my her hand okay and try to push it away from my my neck you guys have the same build

she's gonna fight back she's gonna try to struggle against you so give me your strength roll

Darn it I got an 81 and I'm a 60.

Okay, let me, she's gonna roll her strength to oppose.

Should she have some sort of disadvantage because she's like molding and rotting and shit?

Yes, that's true.

We will give her.

Oh, she's also made of the best parts of all.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Not even the best parts, just the ones that weren't broken.

That's true.

Okay, so she got a 68, which means you both failed.

So you guys are just locked up.

Okay, grappling against each other right now.

Just it's okay.

It's okay.

We're all going to be there together.

We're all going to go home together.

I'm supposed to be together with Tucker.

Give me your face.

No.

Give me your face.

I have to see them again.

Oh, you.

You love them too.

You, you, you, you, Tucker.

I do.

I do.

And we'll be good this time We'll be good enough for them, but I need your face.

I'm good enough.

I'm I'm I'm I'm the perfect wife.

I I cook and I clean and I and I and I even got a good score on our bowling team.

She grabs the thing sticking out of your chest and pushes it in deeper.

Oh God.

We'll call that a melee attack and then we'll let you do something to resist this melee attack.

If she's leaning over me, I kind of want to kick her ass from under her.

So like use both of my feet to just kind of kick up.

All right.

We'll call that a fight back.

Does that sound right?

Okay.

So, you're just trying to knock her off of you, essentially.

Okay.

Give me a melee attack.

I had a catastrophic failure.

I rolled a 97.

So she rolled a regular failure.

Both failed, no damage inflicted.

She's trying to push this thing down, but she's let go of your face because she's now trying to basically kill you by jattering your electronic heart.

So she's pushing down on this thing with all her mouth.

And she's like,

I'm a human being.

Can't you have any mercy?

I'm a human being.

I'm just like you.

I really am just like you.

What are you trying?

You want to call that a psychology?

What do you want to?

Phil.

So she's truly day.

You're nothing like me.

I came first.

I was the first one he made.

I'm the one who deserves to be up there.

Well, we're both down here.

We both...

He did this, didn't he?

He did this to us.

It was him.

It was him all the time, all the time that he was downstairs inventing.

And it just...

He doesn't care about me at all.

He does.

He does care about us.

He cares about her.

And we are her.

And that's why.

And it will be okay.

And don't you blame him.

Don't you blame him?

I'm going to get up there.

We're going to get up there.

We're going to get up there.

I'm going to get up there.

No, I do.

I do blame him.

Don't you see?

We're not supposed to.

Listen Listen to reason.

I'm all alone.

I'm so scared.

Give me a persuade with advantage.

Okay.

So I feel like you're hitting a nerve here.

Yes.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

I got it too.

Oh, wow.

So that's a critical success.

So when she hears you say you're scared, it cuts deep to her.

And she stops and she just looks down at your face for a second.

She sees the fear in your eyes and she sees how much it resembles her own fear.

And she just sits there.

She's like frozen.

She doesn't know what to do.

I

there's something inside of me that is alive.

I feel like I have a,

I feel like you do too.

I feel like we don't need him really.

You know, we could just, we could,

we,

we're, we're our own women.

We're our own.

We're.

I'm just going to do a straight luck roll to see how she takes this.

She rolled a 22, which is good.

She stops and she backs off and she looks at you.

You're right.

You're right.

And she reaches her hand out for you.

I'm not going to take it, but I am going to try to stand up.

Okay.

You're a little impaled here.

So give me a strength roll.

I pass.

I get up.

Okay.

Describe climbing up this wrecked impalement of this hand.

Paint me the picture.

Okay, women are powerful, but they don't need each other.

Trudy feels this hand through her chest sliding out of her and her insides arranging in a way that does feel very mechanical, detached from like her feelings and her aliveness.

And it feels really weird.

It feels like if you've ever cut yourself chopping vegetables and you don't quite register it first and then you see the blood, it feels like that as she slides up and can see basically herself standing in front of her and feel the parts of her that are damaged.

Trudy Alpha.

Let's say Trudy Alpha.

We'll call you Trudy.

This is Trudy Alpha.

Okay.

Trudy Alpha watches in awe as you kind of climb off of this pyre that you found yourself sort of spiked on.

And she holds you.

And as she touches you, you realize that like...

whatever piece of machinery in your chest got impaled by this thing is just spurting out fluid.

It's just leaking.

And you can feel this burst of power that you've had beginning to wane.

And your knees go weak and you kind of fall into her arms.

She swoops you up into her arms.

So she's got you kind of cradled in her arms.

She's like, It's okay.

I'm going to get you out of here.

It's going to be okay.

And she starts walking off into this dark mine shaft in search of an exit, in search of a way out.

You can feel your consciousness beginning to fade.

You can feel the light going out.

Oh, no.

Do you have anything you want to say before you conk out?

I can cook a chicken, whether or not there is somebody to eat it.

What?

And then as you say that, Beth, your eyes go dimmer and dimmer and dimmer.

And you can't tell if it's because you're just plunging deeper into this network of tunnels or if it's because your vision is slowly fading.

But as it gets darker, you feel something, a light on your nose, and it's a little moth.

And you look up at it and off in the distance, as you glance over Trudy Alpha's shoulders, you see two glowing red eyes watching you in the darkness oh no

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Thumbtack presents project paralysis.

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So that's what's going on with trudy so does beth roll a new character now no she's not dead no she's still hit points that means a cliffhanger oh okay yeah yeah sometimes in drama you make the audience think so oh i see

so if we never go to find mothman we'll never find trudy francis yes meanwhile we fly out of this mine back across the rolling hills we fly oh the mine they haven't invented the cut yet they haven't invented the jump cut yet so we got to do are we following the moth we're following the moth that's so sick bro.

What a one-take podcast.

Yeah.

So, yeah, this is officially a one-take episode now.

It's sort of like a kooky Danny Elfman score is playing as this.

The moth avoids a bird?

Come on, paint me a picture, dude.

This moth flutters all the way over to the house.

Her kirk!

A bus almost hits it.

You hear a bunch of the teens.

Oi, it's American Bros.

Honey, you want dinner?

The moth flies underneath like an open windowsill.

Like, what are the dogs chasing?

There's like a dog chasing it.

It gets distracted by a light.

A dog almost eats it, and then flies back.

Man, what a journey this moth is on.

And then the moth finally lands on the windowsill of the back house of one Kelsey Grammer.

Whereupon inside, we find a cowardly teenage boy hiding under a bed.

Francis, the goons are still here.

So am I.

Do you got anything you want to do?

Anything you want to say to the crowd?

Anything you want to do?

You still hiding?

You still good?

Nothing's changed in the situation, so nothing's going to change about my behavior.

Now, hold on, though.

I'm going to outlast these fuckers and you, the DM.

All right.

Some questions for the room.

When's the last time Francis?

Oh, we're going to get to that, Freddie.

Don't worry.

Masturbated?

No.

No, pee.

Poo-poo and pee-pee.

Poo-poo-pee-pee.

It hasn't been long enough.

You're at a certain age is easier to withhold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roll for prostate.

You think he's not good at doing it fucking silently?

Do you think he hasn't been training in fucking zero-g?

We will get to the matter of whether Francis needs to get his poops out in a second.

But so for now, you're not doing anything.

So you see these big, sexy

fights

of Sven pacing back and forth as he whittled a stick or something like that.

Barefoot or what?

He's not barefoot.

He's whittling a moth.

And he's looking at him.

He's like, oh, thanks.

Now I got something to look at.

No, then the moth lands on the still, and then Sven kills him.

And you're like, oh, Sven's a bad guy.

Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

He goes, moths, I hate them.

But that's why he's delicious.

And he eats it.

Like, this guy's weird.

This guy's also a weird.

He's a Homelander.

He's a Homelander vibe.

He's just like Homelander from AMC's The Boys.

It's Amazon's.

Yeah, it's Amazon Prime.

What a compliment you just gave the boys.

AMC's.

AMC's.

Could you imagine AMC?

We've got like...

Batman and the boys.

They would have tried it.

They would have tried it, man.

All right, that's what Francis has going on.

Oblivious to all of this, the moth flies over.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to keep our one take thing going.

It desperately tries to wait.

Wait, it's dead.

It's dead.

It had laid eggs.

So So we follow the eggs of the moth.

And then the baby moths come out and they disperse, but we follow one small, like, baby.

And it's winged up.

It's the runt.

Yeah.

And Kelsey reaches out, like, fucking Jessica Chastain and Tree of Life and just lands on her finger.

You're on your way home.

And I eat the moth.

All right.

Yeah, Kelsey ate the moth, and now she's walking home.

All right.

Okay.

What are you together?

You're going to go.

Oh, up to the house?

What are you at?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I mean, I don't know anything's wrong.

So it'd be wrong to like be suspicious.

I do take a glance to see if Milton's hanging around, but you don't see Milton anymore.

Okay, I'm gonna knock on the door of my sister's.

Okay,

fucking curve.

He set you up, dude.

He sets you up with this fact, like the jab, and now here comes the right hook you've been waiting for the whole time.

The door opens, and your sister, Roz, I believe it was.

Why is it Roz and Niles?

What that's their names?

I bet your thought would have been Daphne and Niles.

Yeah, I know.

All right,

Roz.

Matt's like, this was what I wanted.

This is how I should have

a ship.

This is my ship.

I like my sister's name being Roz.

So Roz.

Roz and Niles.

I like my sister's name.

I don't want Daphne.

Roz opens the door.

Hey, Roz.

Hi, Kelsey.

Yeah, sorry, it's late.

Did you hear Melton come in?

Yeah, Melton's been asleep this whole time.

Oh, he has not.

Yeah.

I hate to be, but, you know,

we've talked about how he seems, you know, he's that age.

He's interested in, he's been hanging around my place quite a bit.

Well, you're his favorite aunt.

I know.

Okay, no, let's not get into that.

Ross, he ran off to the police station because I was arrested, which I'll explain.

You were arrested?

I know.

You're such a worry buddy, but just wait a second.

A worry buddy?

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Is that all the time?

It was classic Kelseyism.

Classic Kelseyisms.

Yeah, I was arrested because

it's a whole thing.

It's a whole thing, but I'm fine.

I'm honestly not arrested.

I'm not afraid of my sister, so I care about you.

So tell me why you were arrested.

Well,

Kelsey, do you miss mom?

Something.

Yeah, I mean,

it's expensive.

It's expensive to get to Florida, but we can get there at some point.

Yeah, I miss her.

It's been a while.

I don't know why we buried her in Florida.

She's alive.

It's in my.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen no blood sites like

it's in my character sheet.

Her parents are in Florida.

It's in my character sheet.

Show me.

Show me where it says she's alive.

How dare you?

Fucking walk over here and show me.

You got immovable.

Significant people.

Her parents are still alive.

Parentheses, both in their 90s, and she loves calling them on the weekend, but they went to retire in Florida.

She lives with her sister and husband in the back house.

Roz, are you okay?

I know you're anxious a lot, but mom and dad, they're not dead.

They're in a nice home.

She's dead to me.

You know why?

Holy shit, You love to see it.

I still miss her.

Square that, sir.

I understand.

Well, this has been a great talk, but I got to get Milton up for school in the morning.

I was just letting you know he's sneaking around at night.

I don't believe you.

Oh, okay, Ross.

Well, you know, I just, you know, we're doing you this favor by letting you see.

Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I know what's going on.

Okay.

So, like, I get it.

I get it.

You're so judgy and I don't know anything and I don't know how to raise a kid, but I'm just telling you, Milton's running around.

Did you say any of that?

You know what?

No, what?

Maybe mama's right about you.

And I close the door.

Oh, my God.

This kind of relationship, and she lives in the backhouse.

I knock again.

Yeah, what's up?

Hi, Rosa.

I love you.

I love you.

I feel a sister.

That's so funny.

I'm sorry.

I hope we're not waking up.

I'm a weird age.

She turns off the response.

I know.

It's horrible.

And I hope we don't wake up now.

I'm really sorry.

You're the best.

You know what?

What?

We're both women.

And we women can be women.

Yeah, I believe that.

That's what I said earlier.

You're the theme of the episode.

Oh, Oh, okay.

Well, I'm just going to go into my house.

Okay.

If there's anything bad back there, you just let me know.

Okay, I will.

All right.

I love you, Roz.

I love you too.

I'm going to go to sleep.

Okay.

Good night, Niles.

Good night.

What a nice day.

Good night, Milton.

Milton's been a little bit more.

Been asleep, tricky.

No, he wasn't asleep.

He just left us.

He's trying to fuck you.

Yeah, he's trying to try to trick her thinking Milton would be like, good night.

You hear from a bush outside, good night, Kelsey.

All right.

I'm going to walk towards my back house.

Okay.

And

I don't think anything's there.

I'm just going to walk straight up to the door.

Okay.

You notice that the door.

Well, hold on.

Check is spot hidden.

We roll spot hidden.

I was going to throw you a freebie, but give me that spot hidden.

I failed.

I have 50 spot hidden.

I rolled a...

75.

Okay.

That's not going to be leveling up this.

Well, in that case, you don't notice anything, but you do notice, because anybody would notice, the front door of your house has been kicked in by a big 1950s foot.

Oh, man.

I can tell a totasaur foot kicked it in?

Yes, you can, because this foot isn't from the future.

And nor is it a dainty foot wound, but the door is.

The foot wound on this door looks fresh.

You don't remember it being that much more.

It's fresh, more modern.

So the door's not open, but you can tell someone kicked this door hard enough that it came off and there's like a light on it.

Kelsey instantly, instantly drops to the floor and rolls along the grass and gets to like the side of the house and opens up the little vent and crawls underneath her house.

Like underneath.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it's like what those back houses got like a little like crawl space underneath.

Crawl space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Tracks.

You're underneath the house.

Okay.

I'm trying to peek through the floorboards.

Give me a listen roll.

Oh, there's another skill for your ears, not your eyes, my friend.

Which will you choose?

Which will you choose to level up, Matt?

God damn it, I probably listen.

The better you are at seeing, the worse you are at hearing.

I only have 25 and listen, so I rolled 30, so I don't hear anything.

You don't want to spend five luck points?

Oh, this is the other thing I was going to say.

This is the only thing I know.

This was my very fun fact.

At any point, if you wish to re-roll a roll you can do what's called pushing a roll okay um

justify how

justify how

you could try again and failing so basically you get to re-roll it justify however common okay failing a push roll is typically very bad it's like a riskier move so if you fail this push roll there will be consequences i'm taking a page from the fucking brilliant player named anthony birch i'm not going to push a roll i'm just going to just stay underneath the house and wait till i go

fucking enemy at the gates, yo.

And we're fucking sitting there waiting for the sniper to pop his fucking head out.

You could have just, I was ready to just walk into the house willy-dilly, but you said that she could tell that somebody kicked in the door.

So now she is pretty sure that somebody's coming to collect.

So she's fucking being cautious.

So I will sit there until you let me roll without pushing because I'll just sit there quietly unless maybe they make a noise, maybe they drop their whittling thing.

I want to see what's going on in there.

They're whittling, but

you're going to wait till I let you.

My goal is for every player to converge on this location and wait.

How do we get Tony here?

How do we get my true here?

I want to go.

I'm going to scoot around underneath and I want to go to underneath my bed where I know there's like a knock.

Oh my God.

And underneath there, you see a moth.

Oh, no, I'll probably see Francis.

Wait, are you under the house?

Yeah, I'm under my little back house.

Oh, so you're going to go under your bed.

So you're under the floorboards of the Yeah, I'm in the crawl space under the floor.

Okay, give me

a stealth roll.

Okay, please fail this.

For fuck's sake, no, Matt, you burst

men.

You fucking burst.

Nothing is happening in this fucking back house.

This house is gonna be two Swedish men getting hot.

Oh, wait.

I have 20.

I got 21.

Wait.

I think I'll use.

I think I'll use a little bit of luck.

Oh, Lady Luck might have a word.

I'm down at 56.

That's all right.

So yeah, I move and I'm underneath the bed.

The reason the bed is where it is is because, you know, it's old wood and whatnot.

There's a nice little knotted hole there.

There's like a good, like, you know, almost like enough for like four fingers to like get through.

Okay.

That was just.

Not all at once.

You go.

I was like, what?

That's not you, Beth.

And so I spent one luck.

I'm getting to the bed because there's a knot there.

So I want to see if I can like hear with a, you know, there's a hole there so I can push my ear up against or if I look look at it.

Or maybe do I hear Francis?

What do you want to do?

Just tell me what you want.

Do I see Francis since he's under the bed?

It's dark under the bed.

Okay.

So, no.

Oh, okay.

Well, give me, give me a spot hidden.

Spot hidden, baby.

Spot hidden, baby.

Spot hidden, baby.

Do I hear his breathing?

That's a different role.

If you want to listen, you can give me a listen role.

Just give me both.

Spot hit both.

I got 24.

I fucking pass the shit out of there.

All right, you see Francis.

I go up to the little knot.

Francis.

Do I have to roll to hear that or just hear that?

You can, well, oh, no, this is, here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to bring that quietly.

Francis.

If you want to listen, if you want to

do another stealth roll?

No, no, no, no.

If you, yeah, okay.

If you want to say it quiet enough

that they won't hear it outside, that other people in the house might not hear it.

Yeah.

Then Francis needs to make a listen roll.

Okay.

And we will say it needs to be a hard listen roll for Francis.

You sure?

My listen's already shitty.

He's right there.

He's right there.

He's like, he's there.

We're next to each other.

All right.

Fine, fine, fine.

What you're hoping is that he's just not asleep.

My listen is a 20, and I got a 78, my roll.

Okay.

I will not be spending luck.

Oh, yeah, and there's a decent chance he's asleep fine.

I'm sticking my finger up in the home boom.

Finger.

I'm putting all four fingers up there, and I'm because I know he's there, and I'm just like trying to wave.

Beth, what's up?

Beth was perked up on that.

What's going on, Beth?

I didn't do shit.

You perked up.

I didn't perk up shit.

Spot hidden or anything?

No, you get to do that.

Francis, give me...

I'm saying Francis spot hidden.

Are you trying to poke him?

I mean, I know he's there.

You tell me, is he on top of the hole?

If he's on top of the hole, then I'm just poking him.

Let's.

You want the control.

You got to take it, my man.

You tell me where Francis is.

Let's.

Just give me a straight D100.

If it's over 50, Francis is above the hole.

And

under 50, you will be poking him under 50, and he will not be on the hole.

He's not on the hole.

He's not on the hole.

Yeah.

All right.

So your fingers poke up through the hole.

Yeah, and I'm waving them around.

Okay, Francis, give me a spot hidden roll to see if you see the fingers.

I have a 25 spot hidden.

I rolled an 81.

Okay.

Doesn't seem.

Well, I know he's there, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, clearly, I'm not going to do anything until he notices me.

I mean, what else would I do?

I know he's there.

Okay, I'm going to.

Wait, fine, fine, fine.

I grab a pebble.

I grab a pebble from the ground.

I'm in the dirt.

I grab the pebble.

I'm gonna stick the pebble up with my two fingers in the hole.

And I'm going, I'm gonna flick it.

I'm gonna flick it at him.

Give me a.

Oh, Sven, definitely.

The boy.

Give me a dexterity check to see if you can hit him.

Even if he misses me, I feel like I might hear it.

Yeah, but so might Sven and the boy.

Yeah.

So give me a dexterity check.

My decks.

I passed.

I got a 54 out of 60.

All right.

So yes, you hit Francis with a pebble.

I'm wildly moving my fingers.

I feel like Francis should have to roll to silently react to this because you're not expecting.

I'll roll stealth.

Yeah, give me a stealth roll.

My stealth is 90 and I got a 75.

I'll roll stealth anytime you like, my man.

Francis.

Now the two of you get communication achieved.

So Francis subtly tries to reorient his body.

72.

Stealthily reorient his body so he can look down in through the hole and see Kelsey eye to eye.

His big wide eyes are looking back at you.

Francis gives you wide eyes too.

No, I'm not even going to talk.

I say, no, I point and I kind of do like a little question mark: like,

what's up?

Francis points at the window.

Will is looking for any way that he can probably use this.

Francis points.

Will, you're working with the bats, baby.

Francis points at them.

Francis makes an R with his fingers.

And then Francis does this, like strangling motion and then points at you.

And then

I start speaking to him and ASL.

Okay.

So then I look, I go, okay.

And then I give him like, wait one second.

And then I'm going to slowly get out of the house.

Stealth roll.

My stealth's only 20, 47.

I failed to say that.

Hey, what the heck is that?

I hear something under the house, Sven.

I'm going to roll out of the house and sprint.

Okay.

Okay.

And I'm running straight to Roz's house.

You know what you could have done?

What?

Could Could have jammed the door up.

That's right.

You trap the meaning.

Yeah, I'm not going to trap.

Yeah.

You want to roll out

and then run.

Yeah.

And you're not trying to be stealthy anymore.

No, I mean, because you said they heard something.

They heard something down there.

They're not going to roll enough.

They're like, it must be Kelsey sitting down.

It must be Kelsey.

She must do.

She's a Commando rolled under the house.

She's been watching us and listening to us this whole time.

That's the only logical conclusion.

So you're going to roll under the house.

That's going to make a lot of noise, but give me a dexterity roll.

I passed that easily.

I got 60 decks.

Okay, so you roll out.

Yeah.

You create all this ruckus as you're doing it.

Ross, Niles, Ross, Niles.

As you say that, you hear the front door burst open.

You're out from underneath it, right?

And I'm so the front door of my sister's house.

Let's take this one step at a time.

So you've cleared the house.

Tor is at the front door.

He sees you covered in dirt under the house.

What's your dexterity score?

60.

We're going to compare to see who gets to move first.

She's limber.

His is a 70.

So before you shout, he is going to try to tackle you.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Then you get to shout.

You get to shout.

Fine.

He's going to try to tackle you and pin you to the ground.

So we're going to call this a brawl attack.

Okay.

What's your build size?

Is beefy an option?

What is it?

Zero.

Okay, he's got a build score of one.

Okay.

So actually, we're going to call this a maneuver.

Okay.

So he's trying to pin you to the ground.

I, seeing that that's what's happening, I'm not getting up to run yet.

The moment I see him leaping, I'm going to roll back under the house.

You motherfucker.

And if I'm screaming, Ross dial!

And I'm rolling underneath the house because he's bigger.

All right, so that's a dodge.

You're saying you would call that a dodge, right?

So now we're going to resolve this.

Sure.

Hope.

All right.

So he remembers his sniper training from the army.

This is going to be his strength versus your.

His Springfield M1 versus you.

You should have a skill called dodge.

Ooh.

Do you think Tony Colette suddenly realized like, you know, I shouldn't let a woman walk home by herself and then slowly fall.

And he respects women.

She can take care of herself.

Do you think he was drunk enough to be like, baby, I got a chance with Kelsey.

Okay, he rolled a 76.

So, yes, you successfully roll under the fucking house.

Okay, and you're screaming to your sister.

Yep.

And Niles.

And Niles.

I just talked to him.

We know they're awake.

You know, they're awake.

Call the cops.

They're inside their house.

And you're in the back house.

Give me a straight luck roll to see if they hear you.

Oh, Milton would hear, though.

Shit, that is right.

Milton would hear.

He was outside hiding in the bush.

47 and I got 50.

Yeah.

God fucking fucking damn it all right okay it's fine it's fine look i'll give you guys money later what are you doing don't come to my place niles okay sir

niles and roz and milton all run outside and see this guy trying to uh grab you and he realizes that he's in trouble and he goes oh sven we better get out of here uh uh uh oh um um and then spen comes out wait wait wait okay yes As all the rigmarole is happening there, Francis is going to reach out with both hands and grab grab Sven by the ankles and pull as hard as he possibly can to make him fall over.

That's a surprise.

So we'll say that this is just a fighting brawl.

We'll call this a maneuver.

What's your build?

My build is zero.

Okay, his is one.

So it's going to be a penalty dice.

But there's also a surprise, right?

So like they cancel each other out.

You're still smaller than him and you're trying to trip him up.

So I have to roll with disadvantage.

Yeah, give me a fighting brawl with this advantage.

Okay, so I got a 57 and my fighting brawl is 65.

Okay.

So he eats shit on the ground.

So I'm going to crawl out.

Okay.

And

flip flip him over, sit on his chest, and take out my ice cream scoop.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

He looks up at you in complete astonishment.

And he's.

He's like a new guy all of a sudden.

There's just a new guy in this room.

And he's going to punch you in the face.

Dude, he's having his own Cthulhu ass moment, dude.

Imagine you've been in a room for four hours.

And then a new guy just looks in there.

You know, a kid with an ice cream scoop.

A child with a weapon has been here the whole time.

Okay.

He's going to try to get you off of him by punching you in the face.

We'll resolve this and then we'll go back outside.

Okay.

He's going to take a swing at you.

So I'm going to roll his fighting brawl.

What would you like to do?

You can fight back, dodge, do nothing, or flee.

I want to fight back.

I'm going to try to jam the scoop into his eyeball.

Oh, scoop his eye out.

Whoa, bro.

Give me.

Get a dream about killing people.

It's cool.

So.

Oh, well, that's how it starts.

Fucking glad Francis is on our team.

Give me a fighting brawl roll, then.

Two.

Two?

Two out of 65.

Two?

Bless you.

Moby Francis.

Sorry, Francis is so good at everything, motherfucker.

I think with it, too, you even get to do a cool Duke Nukem ass catchphrase as you do it.

He, okay, yeah.

What happens?

What do you do?

Two scoops for the prize of one.

Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

What do you say?

Two scoops for the prize of one.

And I take out both of his eyes.

What?

All right.

He's going to roll.

I I saved your life.

I haven't seen this yet.

I'm definitely going to be running in because I know you're in there.

All right.

He takes four damage and he's blind.

That's it, huh?

Four damage.

That's like half your damage.

That's a lot of damage.

All right.

I rolled two 1d4, one for each eye.

Jesus.

Okay, so Sven is blinded and he screams in agony as you pop his two eyeballs out of his head.

Jesus, man.

I think it should be one attack per eyeball.

Well, that's fine.

I was just laughing.

All right, the other one works too.

52 out of 65.

Well, let's just...

All right, let's fucking fuck it.

Okay, so you pop his eyeballs out.

What's the sound of that?

We'll let Esther just.

It's like the sign tell.

All right, so two eyeballs roll out onto the floor.

Sven screams in agony.

To be clear, they would be tethered.

via

the nerve.

I know, but they would still be tethered.

Not even strong scoop.

What do you mean?

You could pull them out.

You could break those nerves.

How strong do you think they are?

You can scoop them out.

You can scoop them out.

He scooped them out.

Like a knife.

Would it be less weird if they were just dangling there, like resting on his cheeks?

I'm just saying naturally, that's what happens.

All right, yes.

Okay, yes.

So Sven's eyes are now dangling from his eye sockets.

Give me a sanity roll, Anthony.

Okay, I have 40 sanity, and I rolled a 72.

Okay, give me a 1d6 sanity roll for the gruesomeness of what you're saying.

And to clarify, there's two guys, right?

There's Sven.

So Tor is outside being yelled at by everyone that you brought into the fight.

Yeah.

And now Sven is blinded and writhing in agony on the ground.

And he looks like Sven's the one who killed the moth, right?

Sven is the one who killed the moth.

Fuck him.

Fuck that guy six all right it's about 10 newtons of force to pull the eyeball out entirely oh I'm only nine newtons strong darn which is about to be clear about lifting a one liter bottle of wine yeah it's not very much okay all right okay give me an intelligence roll my intelligence 65 rolled an 88 you rolled an 88 okay good for you Because when you lose five plus sanity from one source, you're supposed to go temporarily insane for D10 hours, but because you failed your intelligence role, you suppress the memory of doing this.

Hell yeah.

You've blacked out.

Sven's screaming on the ground.

Let's jump back outside.

Tor sees the situation is rapidly going south.

Roz and Niles are like, hey, buddy, who are you?

Get away from my sister.

Oh, yes, I agree.

You should, who are you?

This is quite improper.

I'm going to call the police.

Milton's over there like, oh, they got in.

I failed.

I failed you, Kelsey.

I'm so sorry.

Kelsey, what do you want to do?

Seeing that Tor is not trying to get me, I'm going to run into the house to see that Francis is okay.

So you're going to run into the house.

Okay.

So now you get to make a sanity roll.

I have 40 sanity and I rolled a 19.

Okay.

So that means that you are unaffected by this.

I'm 49.

I've seen it.

I've seen two eyeballs.

Steps happen.

You can also be blindness.

Yeah, this is exactly how it's like, oh, this is another way to get blind.

I've had this on the media.

Maybe like balls, comma, eye.

I look, I eat.

I mean,

every type of ball.

Yeah, balls, basket, balls, comma, testicles, balls, comma.

I'm going to look at Francis and be like, oh, Francis, Francis, oh, God, I'm so sorry you got mixed up in this.

Hand me the scoop, darling.

Hand me the scoop.

Oh, it's mine.

I know, but I just.

It hurts so bad.

I know, but

it's nice.

Just hand me the scoop.

Come on.

You can take my scoop when you pry for my cold dead hair.

I'm just trying to help you.

I'll give it back to you.

I promise, okay.

I need you to give it back to me.

I don't want you to get in trouble.

Just trust me.

I'm just going to pocket it.

Oh, okay.

Well, I was going to say that I was the one that did this.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

You take it.

I know he did it.

I saw him do it.

You the dish.

I literally saw.

Yeah, you see anything.

Yeah, you're going to tell the tough guys back at the place that that you got beat by a 12-year-old?

Oh, you're right.

I'm 16, but yeah, same premise, Kelsey.

Look, come on, Sven, get it.

Kelsey, Kelsey.

And he gets up and he's just kind of clutching his eyes.

He's like, Kelsey, this doesn't.

This doesn't need to be.

This doesn't change anything, Kelsey.

I owe you money.

Just don't come to my place.

Okay, well, we still want the money.

I know.

I'm trying to get it.

What are you going to give it to me?

And he tries to kick him with the body.

I'm going as fast as I can.

What?

Too bad.

You're welcome.

You took out money from the mob.

And, you know, we're going to.

I'm going to bring him his eyeballs and just rip him out of his fucking skull.

I'm going to grab his eyeballs and rip them out of his skull because he's being rude to my friend.

Okay.

Which is the approximate force required to hold two apples.

Easy.

Easy.

Or pressing down on the bathroom scale with his finger.

He's covering his hands with his eyes right now.

So what are you going to do to...

What are you going to do to get his eyes?

I'm going to tickle his armpits.

Oh, what a fuck.

Yo, Francis fights dirty.

It's a a fucking warmth.

Francis, if Francis was a bully, he would be surprised.

I don't.

Bullies bully people.

Hurt people hurt people.

I don't think that someone who's in that much pain is going to respond to being tickled.

Oh, I'm going to kick him in the balls.

What if you're just like, babe, babe, come on, let me see your face.

All right, you kick him in the balls.

We'll call that a surprise because he can't see that you're doing this.

This is automatically successful.

He wouldn't hear my foot coming.

You kick him in the ding-dong.

Okay, so then he doubles over in pain.

His eyes.

So I'm going to grab his eyes.

I'm not going to pull them yet.

And I'm going to go.

I think you mean to apologize to my friend.

Ow!

I can squeeze pretty hard.

I can squeeze harder than more than two apples.

Francis, that's okay, Francis.

Thanks so much.

Just let them go, Francis.

I'm sorry, okay.

I'm sorry.

Good boy.

And I'm going to let it go.

Okay.

Look, just Tor, get in here.

And then Tor comes in and Tor's like, it's getting pretty bad out there.

Oh, my God.

Tor,

Tor has to take a sanity roll.

Tor's going to take a sanity roll.

At this love crafty and hard.

You literally walked into the wrong room, motherfucker.

Yes.

Sanity 60.

He got up 46.

So he's like, oh, Sven, not again.

You and your loose eyeballs.

Okay.

Sven, Tor.

Whoa.

Oh, my brother.

And he runs over and hugs me.

He's like, it's going to be okay.

We're going to get you fixed up.

We'll grow you new eyeballs, pal.

Francis, okay, just leave it.

Okay, Sven, Tor.

Look, shut up.

Shut up.

Here, I have the amount of...

Here, here, look.

It's not enough.

We already counted your skills.

I knew it was.

Hey, hey, do you want to listen or not?

We'll get out of here.

We won't call the cops.

Here's all the money I have right now.

It's the most I have right now, okay?

And I'm going to get it.

Give me one more week.

I'll give you the money.

But don't come into my house.

Don't try to steal this money.

This isn't your money.

You'll get it.

Ma Anderson, the leader of the Anderson gang, our mother.

She says it's time to collect.

And if we don't come back with the money, someone's coming back tomorrow.

So you got a problem on your hands, no matter how many eyeballs you rip out.

Oh, really?

Next motherfucker better have glasses.

Well,

you tell your mother that's the best I can do.

One week.

And if that doesn't work out, well, we'll talk again.

Maybe we'll stretch it out another week.

I'll be out of work.

That's not how it works.

Violence isn't.

You're going to get beat up.

Dude, you learn.

Wasn't the World War enough to learn that violence isn't the answer?

It's just boxing.

Just let me get that money as fast as I can.

But what boxing?

Huh?

What about boxing?

This is you owe owe us money.

Oh, you're betting.

Are you a boxer?

Yeah, well, yeah, that's why.

I mean, I bet.

Yeah.

What do you mean you're a boxer, Tor says?

Oh, you know, I box from time to time.

Yeah, look at the speed bag in the corner.

Yeah.

And then Tor looks at this.

I'm okay for my age.

Tor would give a conspiratorial look to Sven right now, but Sven can't look at him.

Sven kind of like looks around.

I grabbed one of his eyes and pointed at Tor.

I can't see out of that.

Come on.

The door is still connected.

You can probably see it, right?

Can you see this?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Tor looks at Sven and he looks at you.

He says, when you say you're pretty good, lady, how good do you think you are?

I'm like, let's see, five times.

I've won five times and I've lost twice.

And then he looks at Sven and Sven pokes you, Anthony, to turn his eyeball towards Tor.

No problem.

And then the two of them look at each other.

And Tor comes over and whispers in Sven's ear.

And Tor looks up and says, Okay, lady, I think we got a deal we can make with you.

Thumbtack presents Project Paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow, and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell.

Me or the clawed sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then- wait, why am I stressing i have thumbtack i can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the bay area read reviews and compare prices all on the app thumbtack knows homes download the app today

oh great so yeah i'll pay you back in one week no that's not the deal here's the deal uh-huh you want my anderson off your back you want the anderson gang to quash this debt Yeah, well, no, I want to pay back the debt rightfully because I should, because it's my debt.

Okay, well, then I tell you what we're going to do.

Okay.

There's a fight tomorrow night.

Okay.

Out at that old weird bunker on the edge of town.

Okay.

Underground fight club kind of stuff.

Who am I fighting?

You'd be up against a real heavy hitter from South Dakota named Dakota Johnson.

That's freaking.

We're going to trap her in a web of pain.

I feel bad for it.

Didn't her mom pass away after

Dakota's a bigger fella.

He's about the size of South Dakota.

And he's as ornery as your average Dakotan, too, don't you know?

Our fighter up and ran away from town.

We got a lot of money on this fight.

We got a lot of angry people.

If we got a no-show, so tell you what, you go the three rounds in this fight tomorrow night, your problems with the Anderson gang are over.

You see, Kelsey's kind of like scratching her neck a little bit, and she's like, well, what would the odds be on me?

Like, nobody would expect me to win, right?

Nobody would expect me to win, right?

No, you don't have to win.

You just have to go the three rounds.

That's true, but I'm just thinking about other, you know, supplementary bets that could be made.

I'm just thinking about how

spread props.

Let's think about prop bet.

Well, you know, there'll be another supplementary in my world.

That's between you and your lord lady.

But I'm just asking what the odds are.

Come on, give me the odds.

What's the odds?

Give me the odds.

What are the odds?

What are we talking about?

Give me the odds.

It doesn't show up until you show up, right?

Who are you?

Who's talking?

I'm talking about.

Freddie Song is explaining to me.

You would know as a gambler.

The odds don't show up until people start betting.

And if they don't know you're in there,

give me an U role.

Whatever role.

Who's odds with the other guy?

Where are we odds with you?

I know.

I know.

Give me an education role.

Edge you roll.

Or a no role.

Give me a no roll.

My edu is 70, and I rolled a 36.

Okay, so you definitely know that

at an underground fight, you've done both enough boxing, enough gambling to know that when you walk into this ring, people are going to be fucking not happy and they're going to think you're going to go down instantly.

But you also know you're a pretty good boxer, so you do know the odds would be pretty good.

Oh,

sweet, Kelsey, you supposed to get out of this game.

One last big score.

Okay, but you said this is the only way to get out, so I got to do it.

It's not my decision, so okay.

You know, just

pacing back and forth.

Oh, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.

Roz comes in.

She's like, hey, is everything okay?

Oh, my God.

And Roz takes a sanity roll real quick.

Oh, Rozzi.

I've brought danger to your doorstep.

Roz shakes it off, having also seen a lot of stuff during the war, I guess.

kelsey everything okay in here i'm a degenerate you're a degenerate boxer

and i gamble and i come here and the cops already know about it but i think the only way i can get through it is by boxing more and gambling more so that's what i'm gonna have to do

mrs grahamer you're not a degenerate don't talk about my friend that way

oh that's nice so you're in then yeah i'm in so then roz hearing that there's some action to be made says wait a second there's a score ros not like this what was bong ros takes a Roz takes a big roll of dough out of her sock, and she's like, What are the odds?

What are the odds, sis?

You know, mom, that's the reason I don't talk to her anymore.

It's because of our both of us having a family addiction.

I lean over to Roz and I whisper, I said, just bet it all on the alpha and omega.

What does that mean?

That's me.

Okay, and then she sticks like this big.

The alpha and the omega?

Yeah, I'm the whole alphabet motherfucker.

Roz's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then Roz looks at Tor and says, She's in.

We're in.

Where do we meet you?

And Tor's like, well, I'm glad to hear that.

Just meet us tomorrow night, midnight, at the old weird bunker on the edge of town.

All right.

The weird one.

The weird one.

Not the best.

Not the normal bunker.

All right.

I got to get my brother to the hospital.

Oh, God.

It hurts so bad.

Yeah, now you sound like me, bitch.

It's even worse.

Tor drags Sven out of the scene.

And on their way, they disturb a moth nest.

Oh, yeah, as they're leaving, I go, women can be women.

I don't even think that's what I said.

I'm definitely not.

That's supposed to be come back.

Jesus.

As is so often the case, men have co-opted.

They're going to ruin women.

Women can't be women.

I think we can all agree women.

We all agree.

Francis,

you need a ride home?

I guess tonight, yeah, but I'm definitely coming with you to that fight.

Oh, Oh, well, yeah, I'll probably need all of you.

You're going to need all the help you can get.

And I defend you.

Oh, thanks, Francis.

Oh, you're welcome.

I appreciate what you've done, but it does worry me that

I'm hypocritical.

I mean, I'm boxing, but you're a boxer.

I know.

We're just a couple of bad visions.

Okay.

All right, Francis.

I won't tell your parents about this, okay?

You know what will happen if you do.

What?

I take out the ice cream skill.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I would never.

I would never.

We get in the car and I drive off and I disturb a nest of moths.

And another moth flies all the way over the town to Tony Colette.

At some point, you'll all be in the same group again, and this game will become more fun and interesting for everybody all at the same time.

I apologize for this blood party thing.

I love it.

So the moth flies across town once again, swishing and swooping.

zooping and duping.

I thought Matt would interrupt me by now and say something funny the moth was doing.

But that's okay.

Yeah, that was one very good idea.

He's sucking and fucking over.

The moth is sucking and fucking his way over.

This mouth sucks and fucks its way over to Tony's cars, cars, cars, where Tony is turning in after a very long night, crashing cars,

sucking and fucking, getting into fights, getting yelled at by cops.

Tony, just paint me a picture.

Tony stumbles in.

He parks haphazardly and crookedly in this spot.

He stumbles out.

He's like,

Where's my key?

Ah, that's right.

They're in the car still.

And I turn around, I shut off the car, and I pull my keys out of the car.

And I go back to the front door, and I'm like,

not that one.

Not that one.

I need to have a separate keychain for my shit.

I unlock my little camper RV.

I open the door and I just walk straight towards my bed.

And I belly flop onto it face down

out like a light.

Moth!

maybe also, that's just where a scene ended.

Yeah,

as you flop onto the bed, you hear a voice.

What the fuck?

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

I can't do anything about it.

I'm flying on the bed.

The voices are back.

I've completely lost all authority with any of you.

Now you know what it's like.

Foul sages,

speak to me.

You hear a voice.

Well, out with it then.

Jesus Christ.

I admire your methods, Mr.

Colette.

Who the fuck is this?

What is going on?

Tony opens his eyes to look for a voice.

But I can't say I share your taste and take hold.

Who the fuck is this?

So you see sitting in the corner,

a dashing mid-30s man in a dapper suit.

He's wearing a Trilby hat.

He's a thick black hair, handsome face.

He's got a scar running down his cheek.

He looks kind of like a Hoagie Carmichael.

If you know what Hoagie Carmichael looks like, you say, who the fuck is that?

How'd you get in here?

And Tony draws his pistol.

He keeps under his pillow and points it shakily towards him.

Yeah, and as you do that, he also draws a silenced Walter PPK from his coat pocket.

And he says, cool gun.

My name is name.

Patron submitted name.

So we're going to now finally do a patron submitted name.

Here's how this is gonna work.

Beth?

Yep.

I'm gonna scroll for a little bit.

You tell me when to stop, okay?

I know it's a long document.

Give the people the view the ones a chance.

Yeah.

All right, stop.

Okay.

Anthony, give me a number from like one to ten.

Seven.

One.

Typical, Anthony.

Come on now.

Every magician worth his salt knows that when you ask a man to pick a number between one and ten, most of the time they pick seven.

Don't be a sheep.

The name is white.

Ebenezer White.

And that was submitted by Kristen.

Thank you, Kristen.

Ebby White.

Ebby White.

MI6

White.

The name's White.

E.B.

White.

Mr.

Pillet, if that is indeed your real name.

Yes.

And he flashes you this badge and it says MI6 on it.

Well, since when did they give MI6 badges, you fucking poser?

Is that not a thing that they do?

Badges for secret agents?

Identifying documents on a secret agent?

I don't know how you die.

Now, Mr.

Colette,

I don't know how you sniffed out our operation

to capture former KGB occult operations officer Yaroslava Baronova, alias Penny Pickett.

I don't know the foggiest clue how you deduce that we've been impersonating her son.

You're right.

I'll let you know for a princely sum.

You pay me off, I'll pay pay me off.

Frankly, sir, I don't know, and it's not germane to the subject.

Tell the queen that she's gonna need to pay a price.

Very well, then.

I don't know how you.

Tell that old broad she owes me some mooth, and I'll keep my mouth shut.

Are you quite finished, Mr.

Collette?

Go ahead.

I don't know how you knew that we'd been impersonating her Soviet handler for months.

And if you put a gun to my head, I could never guess how you figured out that tonight of all nights was the night she was supposed to finally meet her handler, only known to her by the initials TC, face to face.

Yes.

All I know, Mr.

Collette, is you're either the greatest spy I've ever seen, or you're the luckiest idiot ever to grace the American Midwest.

Why not both?

Why not both indeed?

Either way, you're holding all the cards, Mr.

Collette.

And the British government hereby requests that you deal us back in.

How much money I can offer you.

What are we paying for?

Anti-up, my good man.

Very well, then.

And he slides a poker chip across the table.

What the fuck is this?

In exchange for your assistance in capturing this agent that we've been on the tail of, you will hereby receive a marker.

Okay.

Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and all of her forsworn officers therein will officially owe you one, Mr.

Collette.

How do I know that this is, I want to examine the marker closely.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Yes, I do so.

Please tell me what's on it.

It's got a picture of the queen's face.

Like thumbs up.

And she's giving a thumbs up and it says, the queen, I owe you one.

And

very religious.

She's a big picture I use it before 2022.

Yes, it said that, and it says the date of her death on it.

Ooh, you've never seen one of these before.

If you want to give me like an appraise roll or something like that, I would like to appraise this.

I do have appraise.

Guess what, Anthony?

I put some motherfucking points in appraise, too.

Do it.

Oh, that's that's your class.

Let's appraise it.

The appraiser.

Alspire didn't use the appraiser.

Anthony, I guess.

17 out of 25, which means I fucking succeed on it, baby.

You have, through your travels and travails, actually seen another one of these before.

Oh, yeah.

So Jonathan the War.

Hitler had one.

You saw one.

What a speech.

What a twist.

You never called him that marker.

So you know that this is legit.

This is a very big secret agent.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Yes.

Freddy Wong has seen the crown.

It's not the queen right now, right?

Isn't it wasn't it?

No, it's Queen Elizabeth.

Who is at this point?

She's old, dude.

She's old.

Is she fucking doing motor pool shit?

It was like 52 or something.

I don't know.

1952, yeah.

Whoa, off the top of the dome, Beth.

Yeah, I just did it.

Beth, what year did The Net by Sandra Bullock come out?

The Net, Sandra Bullock.

I'm going to guess, I feel like it's either 98 or 2002.

You know what I mean?

Actually, I'm going to say 97.

Closer, 95.

Next question.

When did the queen first watch The Net?

Dude, she's watching it in hell right now.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm alienating an entire fucking world.

Why did you know?

We're about to go to Europe.

Oh, no.

This is

I don't know where.

We're going to Ireland first.

They're going to fucking love us.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hold on, really quick.

We're having a show.

We're having a show in Edinburgh.

So he shows you this marker.

He says, The Queen of England will officially owe you one.

What do you want me to do?

It's quite simple.

You will play the part of Miss Baranova's handler.

That should be simple enough, considering you've already convinced her that's who you are.

She'll make contact with you tomorrow morning at 0900.

All you have to do is...

That's like three hours away.

A marker from the Queen of England England or not, so

let me answer one question, motherfucker.

What do I get in return?

I, again,

you get a favor from the Queen of England vis-a-vis this marker, which you can call in at any time.

There's a phone number on the back.

It's a long phone number.

I'd like to call this right now just to verify it's legit.

I think that's fair.

I think that's fair.

It's a spy.

I dial the number and you're calling.

You're covering it.

All right, so he picks up your phone.

Hello, operator.

I would like to make whatever the 1950s version of a long-distance collect called to, and then he gives this long phone number.

Yes.

Oh, who wants to play the Queen of England?

Oh my god, I will.

Yes.

Um, wait, let me play.

I don't know how she sounds.

She's like, oh,

proper queen.

Yes.

Hello, mom.

It's Agent White.

Don't you mean mum?

Hello, mom.

It's Agent White.

On that job in Peachyville.

Oh, yes, your little job.

Oh, I do love that you have gone out into the world and

gotten little jobs.

Um, it's true.

I am the queen.

That's brilliant, mom, and that's what I need you to tell this American chap, Tony Collette.

He's he's just checking dinner on the bottom.

Dear, put him on, little chicken.

Let's talk.

Hello, Hello.

The queen wishes to speak.

I can't believe this is the second time on the show between this and Suns and Suns' ability that someone's talking to the queen.

It's true.

He hands you the phone.

Speak, broad.

I speak broadly all the time.

To command a nation is to put a finger in the deepest soup.

I got right here a token.

With your face on it.

Ah, yes.

Well.

This man here says I can call it favorite anytime.

A favor.

Explain the limits of said favor.

Limits of the favor.

Well, maybe some people were reading their emails during your scene.

I don't know

what the

rich response would be.

It's whatever you want, mom.

You are the queen, after all.

Yes, I am.

I am, after all, the queen.

A favor.

Yes.

Hmm.

If you could, um,

if you could

volunteer for this, it's so accurate, too, because it's like, could you imagine like the queen having this level of like knowledge at her field agency?

I mean, she'd be like spinning her wheels.

Yes, if you could be so kind as to make the exchange rate between our countries permanently favorable.

No, no, mom, mom.

She didn't know that we were asking you for a favor, mom.

Yes, I do you a favor.

Yeah.

Well, I am a kind queen, so yes,

what would you like, dear?

Falsifying of documents of some kind.

Can you do that?

Falsified documents.

Yes, we can do that, mom.

Yes, we can do that.

All right, I'm satisfied.

I'll have a handshake with you.

Which documents, dear, which is a good one.

Don't worry about that.

I'll have a handshake with your man Label here.

Don't worry about that.

You will answer the queen when she asks you which documents you wish to have falsified, suck.

Well, you know,

like, I want some medals.

Of course, dear.

Of course.

My my son, Ebby White, he wanted some medals just like everybody else.

And we we think we think that our grandchildren should have uh trophies for everything.

Participation trophies,

and ribbons just for engaging with whatever they're doing.

I am satisfied.

Goodbye.

Yes.

Well, dear, are you coming round for Christmas?

Yes, I'll be back for that, Mom.

And I do so look forward to seeing the rest of the family.

I look forward to seeing the rest of you, Mom.

As am I, sweetheart.

As am I, my sweet little children.

Apparently, it's a rain windstone in fucking fucking a palace.

That's the king.

It's my son.

I don't know if it's your son.

He hangs up the fucker.

Explain to me one thing, Ebenezer.

Yes?

You called her mom.

What the fuck is up with that?

That's it, ma'am.

Just say ma'am.

I'm so fucking confused all the time.

It's called the Queen's English, old boy.

What do I speak?

I don't even.

Normal people English.

Your accent is so weird.

It slides all over the place.

It's quite hard to listen.

First of all, I'll fucking dig.

Do you wish to join us in this escapade or not, sir?

I'll just hang on to this.

And I put the token in my pocket.

And you can call on me tomorrow.

Okay.

I'm fucking doing the text set.

Looks good.

0900.

Shock it.

Okay.

Do you have any...

Okay.

Fine.

Okay.

All right.

Get the fuck out of this track.

I feel like I should stick around.

Fuck no.

Get the fuck out of my trailer or this.

Or old Betsy here is going have nine words with you.

Who's Betsy?

That's mine.

Service 1911.

Oh, I have my right hand.

Those nine words.

Okay.

Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam.

That was 10.

Minus one, blam.

He leaves.

All right.

The next morning at 0900, what are you doing?

Tony Clint wakes up and goes like, I don't remember a thing that happened last night.

I was rip-roading drunk.

God.

What the fuck is this?

I chimer.

I called the number.

some brawn must

some brawn must have put this in my pocket oh tony you you card you must have gotten up to something

i pick up the phone and i dial the number immediately hello hey baby

you're about to go into bed aren't you no i woke up i woke up no i mean the queen i'm positively knackered but uh is this

not when i'm done with you baby

wait you won't be tired after you're talking about knackered private

following

My dick gives energy back to people.

It's like a red bow.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's me.

It's Tony.

Well, I am a

hugely unhappy marriage.

So, um, yes, I'm quite interested in what you're proposing.

Well, uh, I don't know what you're up to today, but my schedule's.

Oh, over there.

What do you mean, nighttime?

I look out the window.

It's fucking sunny.

What do you mean, nighttime?

Where are what the fuck are you talking about?

Yes, I'm the Queen of England.

Holy shit, Tony!

You hit the jack button.

Listen here, baby.

I got a token and a car with your name on it.

I'll get you one of the cleanest ones out of my lot.

What tap drive?

Wait, bye, biggie, bye.

You should.

As I said, my evening is completely full.

No, completely empty.

It's full with you.

Yes, well, I was hoping I could test drive one of your more cum bedraggled vehicles.

Oh, you can test drive them any day you want.

Holy hook.

Oh, here we go.

Hold on, babe.

Can we make bumper stickers that say cum bedraggled?

My other car is cumb-bedraggled.

Oh, hold on, babe.

Let me put you on hold for a second.

Of course.

I put on the record player and I have some hold music and I put the phone next to it so that there sounds like, you know, I got a kill.

All right.

Do you open the door?

I kind of ample over the door.

Hello.

Penny Pickett, aka Yaroslava Baranova, is there.

She says, shh, I believe there are British agents nearby.

We could be being watched.

Are you ready to make a move?

Second prod?

A second brought?

Holy shit.

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, little roller.

Yes, you are my handler.

We were.

You're saying I handled you last night, huh?

I see.

There are still agents around.

That is why you are pretending not to know me.

Okay, very well.

Listen.

Well, no, you can come in.

Come on in, babe.

Okay.

She said, Did I catch you something?

Hold on.

I'm talking to another babe.

I hope you don't mind.

I walk over to the phone.

I ping him back.

Got to call you back, babe.

No, have they discovered our secret?

This goes higher and higher

up.

I can't understand.

You're talking crazy, babe.

Go ahead and take something to calm yourself down.

I'll call you later.

I hang up on the queen and

I go to this new babe.

Like, hey, here's just something to drink.

Tell me, how was last night for you?

Last night was very good because I finally know I am going home to Mother Russia.

Oh, I took you home to Mother Russia, did I?

What do you want?

Coffee?

Here you are.

What do you want?

Listen, we must go away together tonight.

Oh, that was moving real fast for me, babe, you know?

Hell, Tony Colette's got a lot of fishing lines and fishing holes all over the place.

I'm terrible.

Prospects, you understand?

I don't understand.

You said last night that you were my Russian.

You were my handler.

You were the upper.

Are you not?

I'm the top.

Are you...

You said last night.

I told you who I am.

Yes.

And you said that you could get me out of here.

At least you implied it.

Yes.

Was that not true?

Are you lying?

Who are you?

And she slams you against the wall.

Whoa, fucking, let me finish my coffee first.

Jesus, lady.

I'm Tony Colette, and that's all you need to know.

And I'm about to blow your mind, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

And she throws you to the ground.

Oh, okay.

A little early for this.

Hold on.

Let me just...

You just had the...

I need to piss.

You just had the marker laying out on the...

I had it in my hand, but, you know, I was like, I called it.

It was probably by the phone.

Yeah.

Okay.

So she looks over to the phone and sees this marker and immediately knows what it is.

And she's like, you're working for them?

What?

You're working for the British agents?

And she grabs you again.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me the truth.

Look me dead in the eyes and tell me, who are you, Tony Colette?

I'm going to be totally honest with you, babe.

I don't know who the fuck you are.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I just woke up here and I need a piss.

And you're leaning on my bladder.

Go piss.

I must think.

Okay.

And I go into the bathroom of the thing.

Okay.

And I unfurl my fucking hog.

Didn't need to go step by step.

And I started to do it.

And I start ejecting fucking urine from it.

But in the meantime, I'm using the covering sound of me frying up some chicken in there to fill up the glass that I have, you know, next to my thing.

And then as I'm finishing up on one end.

Okay, so you remember the scene?

Because you just have her shoot up.

You just killed Tony Claw.

Oh, listen, listen, listen.

You remember the scene?

Well, first of all, I rest.

So do I regain some hit points?

We'll get to that in a second.

Tell me what you're saying.

Okay, so like, you remember the scene in Indiana Jones when he's got to like swap something out?

You know?

So you're trying to make it sound like the pee is still going?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then like as i'm finishing up as one snake is finishing up i start pouring the other in right and i'm gonna use that to unlatch the window and slither outside okay so you're just gonna run yeah i'm gonna run this fucking weird lady's all over the place and fucking oh this is crazy Did you get dressed?

No, I'm still in the exact same clothing that I had from the night before.

So you flopped.

You passed out.

Yeah, I passed out.

I got drunk.

Because I was drunk, remember?

Okay, all right.

Your own house.

Give me a stealth roll for that.

Do I have an advantage because I'm covering it with the sound of urine?

You know what?

That's clever.

So I will give you an advantage on your stealth roll.

All right.

Because my fucking.

Oh,

one.

One and out of 20, dude.

Not only a great success, fucking perfect.

Okay.

A one-fifth of my 20.

The best possible roll.

No way that it can go any better.

Exactly what I want to have happen happens.

What happens?

So I've done this clearly before in the past because, like, you know, Tony's cars, cars, cars.

It's like people are going to be coming in.

They're yelling at me, whatever.

I always have escape routes, right?

I'm a shifty guy.

I slide out of the car, out of the window in the bathroom,

into the open convertible seat of a car I have parked, like one of the cars on the lot.

But this one's I designated as my secret used car getaway car.

And I plop into the thing and I fucking fire up the engines and speed off.

As you do that, you see her running out the front door and seeing you peeling off out of the lot.

Good luck, bitch.

My fucking place sucks.

That door's jammed.

She's going to take a shot at you.

Okay.

So she pulls out a gun and fires a shot at you.

She's going to make a ranged melee attack.

Just think of the end of Chinatown.

Just like at the end of Chinatown.

Okay, 45.

45!

That's her.

Aren't they swerving the car around?

That's her skill.

That's her skill.

Can I swerve the car around?

You cannot dodge or fight back against firearms attacks.

It's just a straight shot.

And then one additional penalty die for being in the vehicle and moving.

Okay, so she got a 21.

out of her skill, which is a 45, so she does hit you.

Can I spend some luck?

No.

But what a good luck.

You can spend luck on your rolls.

You cannot spend luck on her rolls.

Okay.

So, yeah.

So now we're at hit point time.

Now we're at hit point time because now this matters.

What is your HP right now?

I'm at five.

But the question is

out of 14.

So you're still in major wound territory.

You have not recovered any HP yet.

But I went to sleep.

Huh?

But I went to sleep.

No, well, then guess what?

When you fucking get the shit kicked out of you, are you better in the morning?

Yeah.

You have a major wound.

Once you recover from your major wounds, you will be able to recover one HP per second.

But you have to to recover from your major wound first.

All right, so she's going to roll a 1d8.

Oh, somebody might die.

Oh, my God.

Honestly.

Honestly?

He deserves it.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

At this point.

I'll be sad.

I won't be that sad.

Yeah.

You roll.

Did he roll already?

You rolled a five.

Oh, shit.

Chinatown.

Okay, hold on.

Zero hit points.

If HP...

Okay, here.

All right.

What does Tony say as this bullet rips into his jazz?

Tony goes like, good luck hitting this bitch.

Then you hear a gun.

Well, actually, you feel before you hear the report of a gunshot.

You hear a pistol rip through your chest.

And because your HP has fallen to zero while you have a major wound, you are now unconscious and dying.

Okay, but I'm in the car.

So that's good.

Yeah, that's always where you want to be when you're unconscious is at the wheel.

And you're rolling towards an intersection, we'll say.

Jesus, take the wheel.

He should have said that beat.

Oh my God.

And then wait.

And then like there's a moth crossing the road and the car hits the moth.

That's the car that hit the moth previously.

All the timelines came together.

And the bumper sticker says women be women.

We all start singing and frogs start right now from the sky.

Women can be women.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Too far, too far away

that I'll stay

today.

Thank you for listening.

We're doing a European live tour at the beginning of October.

We're hitting up Dublin, London, Tilburg, Hamburg, Berlin, Ant Verb, and Amsterdam.

Due to the popular demand, we are looking at Edinburgh.

Stay tuned.

Still figuring that out.

It's complicated, man.

Head on over to dungeonsandads.com slash live to stay on top of that.

When tickets drop, you will know.

Patreon supporters get first dibs at live show tickets, by the way, in addition to hours of bonus content and an after-show.

There is a lot of good, high-quality material that we've taken a considered effort into making excellent and entertaining.

And you can find that at patreon.com/slash dungeonsandads.

Join us there, and you will join the likes of Rebecca Pridmore, Anthony Montichino, Matthew Kruger, Colin Murphy, Joe Von Bryant, Aaron King, Mackenzie Floyd, Lilith Fenn, They It, Brad Bain, Jordan Neal, Aiden Lai, McKinley Self, Sally Koskinen, Matthew Grinelli, Cyber Lady Z, Elijah Seely, Matthew Breakfield, a.k.a.

Wiener, Castaway Cactus, Dalton Colliette.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar.

Anthony Burrish as Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is our DM.

Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

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Travis Reeves provides additional leading.

And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Merch and more at dungeonsandads.com.

Our next episode, July 16th.

And we'll see you then.

far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I stay here

today.

I gotta write another module then.

Golf one, Anthony, golf one, a golf one, because we're going to Scotland.

A golf one.

I understand what you're talking about.

Do a golf one.

Do a golf one.

Golf module.

Golf one.

Play golf one.

Gotta have a golf one.

Go have a golf one and say Andrew.

St.

Andrew is probably not going to get chosen, though.

The links to the past.

No golf in Zell.

I want a golfinzo.

You got a golf and zelda there.