S3 Ep. 4 - Peachyville Confidential

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the description.

Even here, in the dead of night, the Nebraska wilderness is alive with sound.

Crickets,

creeks,

critters,

and some say the leathery flapping wings of a monster.

Just behind me, over that hill, lie the ruins of the Foggy Creek coal mine.

Old timers from around here know to stay well away as it was the site of a terrible tragedy in 1845 when it became the birthplace of the legend of Bug Boy.

Bug Boy, also known in some regions as Mothman.

You gotta help me!

I saw some monsters, but they weren't monsters.

They were an adult bowling team, and all my friends got arrested.

I think Sneaky Pete is out here.

Oh, God, I'm having a panic attack.

I gotta hide.

I gotta go to Miss Grammer's house and maybe disguise myself or something.

I don't know.

I I don't know what to do.

Wait, wait, what are you doing out here?

Are you with the bullish too?

Stay away from me.

Friez out!

Wait, wait, come back here!

My god, did you get that?

Jesus, what a freakazoid.

Just catching my breath.

And who the hell is Sneaky Pete?

I know.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This season, a Peachy podcast.

We're doing the Peachyville horror.

He's gotten rogue.

A call Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmos fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

I'm fast fast-talking used car salesman.

Tony Collette.

Tony Collette.

Tony Colette.

T.

Colette.

I've been collecting.

Freddy, but what's your name?

You didn't say your name.

You were just like, I'm fast car talking news cars.

I've been talking to DPs into this character.

I just said, I'm fast-talking used car salesman, Tony Collette.

Who are you?

But who are you?

Oh, that's right.

I'm Freddie Wong.

Oh.

Sorry, my mind is scattered.

I've been doing fucking tour prep shit all day.

Another late night record.

Another late night record.

Right before a tour.

We're excited.

No, I've been up for a long time.

I played Tony Collette.

I got my first COVID booster last night, and I'm still a little fluey.

Are you?

Are you, Will?

I am a little.

It's going to be great.

I've been collecting little phrases from marketing materials for movies from this era.

And there's this like movie that came out in the 50s that's like a circus movie.

Was it Great Show on Earth, I believe?

It was like it won the Oscar.

Anyway, point is, you may see some of these movies.

You may see some of these phrases showing up.

But this week's Peachy Fact about Tony, Tony thinks smoking is effeminate and hates it.

He's only doing it to fit in with all the cool boomers.

That's what they're calling them.

Even heard this new generation.

The boomers are like four years old.

When do you think they started smoking?

That's fair.

They were exposed to it at a young age, including lead and gasoline.

So, you know?

Well, there you go.

He's just trying to fit in.

He's trying to be cool by smoking cigarettes.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school marm.

And if school weren't cool, how come everybody goes to it?

Damn.

You got us there, man.

Holy shit, Aristotle.

A little fact about Kelsey.

One of the big innovations, one of the promises that Kelsey has for her encyclopedia that she wants everybody to know as she's doing it is that all letters are created equal.

All letters are beautiful and every letter will get their own edition.

X, Y, and Z will not share one book.

Neither will J or K.

Like this encyclopedia treats every letter the same.

They're all beautiful.

She's not cutting any corners.

Is every letter going to get the same amount of pages?

That's not.

Look.

When I say all letters are created equal, I'm saying some are more equal than others.

Some are more equal than others.

They all get their own books.

They all get their own separate but equal encyclopedia.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play Francis Varnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville.

Francis' Peachy fact is that his favorite supernatural horror urban legend is Bloody Mary, because when he heard that if you look in a mirror and say Bloody Mary three times she appears, he went home and picked some flowers from his garden and got the chocolate

and flicked his hair back

and said Bloody Mary into his mirror.

It was the saddest thing I've ever heard.

And he got stood up, but he has a feeling that he's just got to make himself worthy of Bloody Mary in the back of his mind.

He got stood up by Bloody Mary.

That's a doo-wop song, if I've ever heard one.

Is there some kid that's lying about saying Bloody Mary?

He's like jealous.

He's like, oh, yeah.

Shane the next day was like, yo, I fucked Bloody Mary.

She gave me a handy.

I guess she thought you were too ugly.

Bloody Mary touched me immediately.

Falked her three times, yeah.

My name, hi, is this guy called me Candy Man.

And I play Trudy Trout.

Trudy is a doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children.

Peachy fact about Trudy this week.

Trudy has nerves of steel and will ride any roller coaster regardless of safety regulations.

She once pet a tiger at a zoo back when that was legal.

Wow.

Was it legal?

Of course.

I mean, we all saw a documentary about this.

There's zoos where you can do that now.

You're right.

But these were mainstream zoos, you know?

respectable zoos respectable legitimate zoos hi everyone i'm your uh daddy master william campos

you just you you really bring look i just want to say you're great

matt i needed that little shot in the rba my uh peachy fact for all of you is uh some good news you can lose up to 40 of your blood and not die

yeah okay yeah you know don't take me to the bank on that but that was what the internet said when i looked it up How much blood is there?

You have 1.5 gallons.

Like, lose it?

You lose how much of it?

40%.

40 and beyond, you're probably going to die.

But up till then, you're good to go.

Wow.

So, you know, just some more juice and a few more.

Treat your friends to a little blood.

That's all I'm saying.

In my life that I thought I'd.

Yo, that's a lot.

That's nine and a half cups.

Yeah, I can't even drink that much.

You're supposed to drink that much every day in water.

I've been drinking only eight cups of blood a day.

You can't, like, drink your blood back into you, right?

No.

Okay.

I mean, you can.

That just won't become your blood again.

I feel like that's one of those things that's good to look.

I know that's a stupid question, but I feel like that's one of those good things that

I'm saying.

Because can you imagine if you could and then I didn't do it when I could have because I didn't ask a question?

That's why there's no stupid question.

You ask these things.

We should just put it unironically into a movie where a guy's like, I need blood.

Like, oh, but we can't find the veins.

Like, give it to me.

He drinks it and he's like,

get that cup.

It's still good on the floor.

Fine.

Like, straight up.

I did it.

I did it fine.

Now I'm good.

I can't find a vein.

That's okay.

Like, okay.

Drinking Yuri Rotist them doing the weird thing where he's like, he's just like picking a cup up and pouring it in the body.

And they get like dramatic where they're like, actually, the reason that they don't normally do this is because it tastes yucky.

That's why they normally get it in your arm.

And the guy who gets the transplant is a super taster.

He's like, no, I don't want it.

That's drama.

Super taster hates all blood.

You know what I'm saying?

What the fuck is that?

Except one kind of blood.

Oh, negative, you know?

Do you guys want to do a podcast?

Let's do it.

All right.

Before we exanguinate.

So, when we last left off, three of you had been arrested.

One of you absconded into the woods.

That's right.

Oh, God.

We have a whole split party thing we're dealing with now.

Francis is like his own.

Francis is hiding under the bed.

I'm part of your film noir because you have a bunch of stolen money in your closet.

Yes, Francis is hiding under Kelsey's bed.

A gangster has just banged on the door demanding your money.

And he also just found a big pile of loose cash in what Matt Arnold described as a mystery closet.

This is weird.

This is weird, right?

So that's what's going on with the Francis.

The rest of you got arrested for your crimes.

And we just revealed that Big Shane Silva plans on interrogating you one by one in a very special interrogation room set up by your own daddy-o master, me, Will Campos.

And that's going to be something that we do.

And also, by the way, you'll know this is taking up a room that I use.

Well, for two weeks.

For two weeks.

That's right.

I don't care.

I'll take over Freddy's whole apartment.

So we are going to do...

Did you know that you can lose 40% of your apartment?

So we are going to do our very first retcon at the start of this episode, which is cinematically, we did want to reveal the interrogation room by having Kelsey experience it firsthand.

But we are now going to say that the first person to walk in there was Kamon Wong.

You rob Kelsey at that moment?

Okay, that's fine.

I just need a moment to readjust.

I just want to let you you fucking pursue it a little bit.

So Kelsey could come back and tell us about what...

No, no, I haven't gone in yet.

Kelsey has not gone on yet.

Matt Arnold went in.

Matt Arnold went in to experience the rest of the day.

Yeah, Matt Arnold did go in first, so I still win.

Matt Arnold went in first.

And now whatever the decision goes second.

There's a real separation of the character and actor.

The character stays, the actor goes.

Yeah.

So Kimone Juan has been in there for like an hour.

She's talking, dude.

And all of you.

My mom's a snitch.

Yeah.

You're not there, Francis.

Excuse me.

I can feel good to see sky.

I always knew Francis' mom was a no-good snitch.

So she's in there talking.

The three of you, actually the four of you, because Bibi Britannica Blue is in here as well, are just stewing in this cell together.

What are you guys doing?

Bibi, how are we getting out of here?

Do you know how to pick locks?

She's a child.

She's a smart chazz detective crime-solving child.

Mr.

Colette, my family has one rule, and that's don't squawk and don't talk to cops.

That's two rules.

Well, it's really one rule when you think about it.

So my plan is to go in there and not say anything.

Bibi, what do your parents do?

My parents?

Yeah.

I don't really, you know, they do stuff.

They do stuff.

You're a detective.

You should know more than that.

Well, you know, I don't really detect my parents that.

My dad, he does like business stuff at an insurance company.

Phoebe, has your parents ever known anyone acquainted with the American Communist Party?

My parents?

Yes.

Neither of them.

How dare you?

I'm just asking questions.

Okay.

Let's talk.

How dare you?

You two.

Hey, we're guttural scream.

We're a team for a reason.

Let's stay together.

Okay, Tony?

As long as we all keep our heads here, I think maybe we'll get out of this okay.

Tony, can you apologize?

BB is a good girl, which means there's absolutely no way her parents could be that.

The only thing that runs red in me is my blood, which I'm about to make you lose 40% of, mister, if you keep talking like that.

Oh, very well.

I was just testing you.

You see, how you respond tells you whether or not you know cognitive.

From the corner of the cell, you hear

and Trudy is doing pull-ups on one of the bars.

Glenda Hamilton?

Yes.

I heard that in jail people exercise it is so good for your health okay i'm gonna try doing what she's doing okay give me a strength roll

i got a four

holy shit

oh that boxing training yeah kelsey is just getting at it you describe it paint me the picture what exercise are you doing i was doing her kegels dog i was doing

she's in there squeezing dog she's in there clutching bro

It's pull-ups when it's this way and chin-ups when it's this way.

Pull-ups is when your hands are heading out.

Yep.

Chin-ups is when your biceps towards your chin so you can kiss them.

Okay, so she's doing pull-ups.

No, those are chin-ups.

So Kelsey starts doing pull-ups too.

Pull-ups.

Kill me.

Oh, my God.

Which one am I doing, Freddie?

Pull-ups.

Okay, I'm doing pull-ups too.

And then as I'm talking...

Let's do the sequel to pull-ups.

She's doing pull-ups.

And then as she's doing them, she lets go of one hand and is pointing at her teammates, but still doing the pull-ups like one.

He's like, look, we're guttural screen, okay?

You know what?

I don't know what BB's parents are, but she's right.

Like, we're not going to tell each other.

We can tell the truth because we didn't do anything wrong.

We were attacked.

Let's just stay together.

We got this.

Oh, wow.

Those are some fancy pull-ups there.

Oh, thank you.

Voice says as another older lady.

That's for you, Matt.

You know, another older lady.

You guys probably know each other.

Just because we're both older doesn't mean we're friends.

We don't all know each other.

An older lady with a pair of spectacles comes in and she says, hi there.

I'm Mrs.

Pickett.

Oh, I know you, Mrs.

Pickett.

Oh, it's good to see you, Kelsey.

Would have thought you'd be a pinko commie bastard.

That's really surprising to me.

Whoa, whoa.

But I was just, you know, me, I'm the nice receptionist here, and I was just wanted to see if y'all wanted anything to drink while you were waiting.

Could be a while, don't you know?

Yes, I would love some sweet tea.

Oh, sweet tea.

We've got a little bit of that.

We've also got maybe some jello pudding or jello salad.

Bring us bread.

Bring us bread.

Bring us bread.

We have some stuff left over from the police potluck, don't you know?

Okay.

Well, yeah, we'll take everything, and I would like unsweetened tea.

Okay, well, we'll see.

Kelsey, yeah, it's good to see you, dear.

Oh, that makes sense.

It would be good to see me if I was you.

Okay, yeah, so Mrs.

Pickett walks away.

What's your deal with that lady?

She's such a, I can't even say the word because we have a child here.

Bibi, close your ears.

Bibi plugs her ears.

Yeah, say the word.

She's the worst.

That's the worst thing I can say about say, hey, Lily, of all of everybody I know, she's the worst.

She's the worst.

All right, so.

She cheats at bingo.

I'll just say that.

She's at 100%.

She cheated bingo.

They call the numbers.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Wait, slow down.

She's got a grip for cheating at bingos because they click in the number and then you mark it.

And then the first thing they do, if you let bingo her side, tell me, I thought we're a team.

You got a lot worth.

Check all the numbers if they know they've got a title.

You know what?

I don't want to do that.

They look at it.

I know.

I've never won and she wins all the time.

But sure, take her side.

I thought we were a team, but whatever.

So just then the door opens, and Kimon Juan and Ed, her lawyer, walk out and like she's not making eye contact with any of you guys.

She's just briskly walking out the door.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi, yeah.

Yeah.

She sang like a canary.

And she walks out the door and Big Shane steps out and he says, all right, you're next.

And he points to you, Matt Arnold.

I mean, you, Matt, Arnold.

He points to you, Kelsey Gramer.

Okay.

All right, Kelsey, let's go.

Can I have my lawyer?

Yeah, oh, that's right.

Milton's here.

Oh, no.

How dare Milton is like that?

Yes, I'm right here.

Milton's been trying to hold your hand the entire time.

Absolutely not.

No, as you're doing pull-ups, he's been like holding your hand.

He's like, it's okay.

It's going to be fine.

I let go of my other hand, but I'm still doing pull-ups.

And I'm bashing it away.

No, Milton, I really, you know what?

If you could help me as a lawyer, why don't you go find me a real lawyer?

Okay, I'll go do that.

But, okay,

how do I do that?

You are a smart child, and you have a lot of gumption.

I'm sure you figured that out.

I'm not you.

Oh, okay.

You have a lot of gumption, too.

Do you know what that word is?

Misgrammar, misgrammar?

The way you said it doesn't sound like the way I said that word.

I don't like the way you said it, looking at me.

Just go.

What word gumption?

Yeah, stop.

What's that extra syllable?

Stop.

Kelsey, just, I don't want to

go.

I don't.

What's wrong with the way I say gumption?

Absolutely nothing.

You're a good little boy.

Go find me a lawyer, please.

Okay.

And he walks off.

He's like, all right, let's go.

Fine.

This sounds totally legal.

Sure, I'll go.

Whatever you want, sir.

Okay, so.

Oh, my God.

They're walking away in real life.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Do you think he lets Kelsey have a Coke in there?

Can I bring my Coke in there?

Oh.

Arnold can bring his Coke.

Come on.

Aren't I under the light?

You don't want me under the

light.

You've already shown weakness.

Kelsey sits down.

He's like, oh, sir, don't you want me to sit underneath the scary light?

Go ahead and sit under the scary light.

Okay, well, it's just you were sitting underneath it.

I thought you've done this before.

I have done this before.

Hello,

state your name for the record, please.

My name is Kelsey Grammar.

What's your middle name?

Do you need to know that?

I do.

It's part of the formation.

Okay, well, it's Kelsey.

Okay.

Well, you know what?

My parents didn't give me a middle name.

Did you have no middle name?

No, they said when I'm ready, I can choose a middle name.

I know it.

In 49 years, I've never found a name that quite fits me.

So I'm Kelsey Grammer.

Okay.

Mrs.

Grant, Miss Grammer.

Yes.

Can I get you anything, Kelsey?

Tea, coffee, Miss Pickett makes a mean cup of joy.

No, no, she's awful, by the way.

She's the worst.

Why'd you hire her?

Well, I disagree with that.

I find her to be a warm woman.

Yeah, you would.

Never mind then.

You know, my son,

Shane, he speaks speaks very poorly of you.

What?

That's a good thing.

He's an idiot.

Oh, oh, okay.

Well, I'm disappointed in both of you, frankly.

Well, I don't care.

Okay.

That's not going to keep me up at night.

You know, you've got quite a reputation in this town, Kelsey Grammar.

Thank you.

You know everyone and everyone knows you.

But they don't know everything about you, do they?

I mean, I don't think anybody would know everything about everybody.

That would make sense.

And, you know, I'm a private lady.

I don't have, you know, I spend most of my time teaching.

Okay.

What can you tell me about Tony Collette?

Oh, I mean, he's not a great bowler, but neither am I.

So who am I to judge?

And, you know, I don't think I would have been friends with him normally, but we're part of the same bowling team.

And at the end of the day, I think he's got a good heart.

He's angry a lot, but I think he's okay.

And this bowling team of his, how did you come to join him?

I mean, you know this.

Everybody's heard about my encyclopedia.

So I was just working on my encyclopedia.

I got to be bowling.

I never actually played bowling.

I'd seen it here or there, but I thought I should actually try it.

And when I went, there was only one spot remaining on team, and I joined.

And since then, I've really enjoyed it.

So I've kept it, even though I already finished the excerpt about bowling.

But yeah, still worth playing.

What are you working on now?

Well, actually.

Bolshevism?

No?

Oh, I've done that.

I mean, that's...

You've done Bolshevism.

Oh, yeah, I wrote about it.

You can read it.

Interesting.

What are your thoughts on Bolshevism?

You know what?

It wasn't the most exciting word.

I don't think I wrote too much on it.

Actually, I am a little embarrassed because I've written so many different things about so many different words, and I don't know too much about it.

But I think I wrote...

I don't know.

You have to check it out.

Okay.

We'll look into that.

The last thing I wrote was, actually, I'm about to go on to C finally.

I just finished Byzantine.

Byzantine.

Interesting.

Okay, well, I'm very happy for you.

Now, you've been working on a lot of B words.

Uh-huh.

What can you tell me about bookmaking?

Well, it's a process of making books.

Not that kind of bookmaking.

The other kind of bookmaking.

What kind of bookmaking?

I don't know what you're talking about.

As in

bookmaking.

I don't know what betting is.

What's betting?

Sports.

Betting what?

What's betting?

Underground sports gambling.

What can you tell me?

Tell me when you play underground.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

You know what?

You know what?

Can I take a picture of you?

Can you take a picture?

Yeah, because you know what?

I'm finishing up my encyclopedia, and there's a word bully, and I would love a picture of you right next to it.

That's why I think I have nothing more to say.

He's got a big filing cabinet next to him, and he pulls open a file, and he roots through it, and he pulls out a ledger, just like a big, thick ledger.

See, underground sports betting has become something of a nuisance here in Peachyville as of late.

I wouldn't know anything about that.

Well, I got this off a punk kid running numbers for the Anderson gang.

It's a book of names and numbers, and

it says here, and he flips through the pages, it says right here, K Grammar, Miss Grammar.

That's your name.

And this specifically, everyone else.

I'm Kelsey.

Everyone else has a middle name, but this K Grammar, there's no middle name.

Oh, and so it looks like you owe some pretty big bucks to some pretty rough customers, Miss Grammar.

Okay.

I will not say anything more without my lawyer, and that has nothing to do with anything that's happening in the world.

All right, teach.

Here's what I think.

I think Tony Collette, or whatever his real name is, got wind of your gambling debts.

What?

And I think he used them as compromise.

He pressured you and joining his little bullshibic bowling team to what end i'm not sure maybe he just wants you nobody knows that i've nobody knows except for the people nobody knows except your handler right nobody knows except the person who brought you in on this ring now maybe he wants to i wasn't on a ring i was just boxing you're just boxing myself i always bet on myself this has nothing to do with tony doesn't know don't tell tony don't tell any of the gutters scream they'll be really disappointed i don't want to but i need you to cooperate with me okay now maybe tony maybe he just wants you to indoctrinate our youth maybe he wants an inside woman on the PTA, or maybe he just likes them old.

Frankly, I don't care.

Have you ever talked to Tony?

The only thing he cares about is selling cars.

That's all he's ever talked to us about.

Frankly, that's probably the reason I'm not that close to him.

He just talks about cars all the time and how much he doesn't like, you know, certain people.

I really wish I could believe you.

You know, you're very A for acting, right?

I've got to commend you.

I didn't.

I mean, if you can't tell, I'm not in the theater anymore.

I wasn't good at it, and I don't learn anything about it.

Miss Grammar.

We could go all night with this, but I doubt that.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

I've talked to your wife.

What?

Excuse me?

Nothing.

All right.

You know, we have an unhappy marriage.

Sorry, sometimes.

We have an unhappy marriage and I have an unhappy son.

The only thing I live for is busting commies, which is where you come in.

And so he pulls out and slides across the table this piece of paper.

It's a confession.

It's got your name at the bottom of it.

It's all typed up.

And it's basically this huge pack of lies.

It sells Tony Collette down the river.

It says that he pressured you into joining a communist spy ring along with Trudy and Britannica.

Francis and Kimonoan's names are noticeably absent from this document.

It says that Hal of Hal's Trophy World and the late Officer Jenkins caught wind of your scheme, which is why they had to die.

And it names Tony as the person who murdered them.

I mean, what?

You just wrote a big old this is what I think happened tonight.

Okay, well, this is what I think has been going on.

Oh, do you want me to tell you if you're right?

All I need you to do.

is confirm this story and you're free to go.

This little confession stays sealed at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet little life with his dark little secrets.

Sir, none of this is true.

You know, I don't know what you think.

I've done boxing and look i'm not proud of it

look i i i like boxing and it's only been my money that's why i haven't paid it back so like if you're gonna arrest me for for boxing that's okay just don't let the kids know because i love teaching but this is this

is true it's okay this is true it's okay kelsey all i need you to do is sign this piece of paper and all this goes away and if you'd rather not sign that's okay too i'm not gonna sign though i would shudder to think what would happen if someone were to let slip to the PTA that the town's favorite teacher has been boxing in underground gambling matches and owes money deep to the mob.

So if you don't want that to happen, I would consider your options.

And he slams this pen down on the piece of paper right in front of you.

I don't want that to happen, but if that's what's going to happen, then I guess.

That's the consequences of my action.

And, you know, that's fitting because I'm about to start writing C.

So

I guess the extra for consequences will be really good.

But everything here is not true.

So, and I take the pen and I break it in half and I say, I hope you have another one of those.

I'm not signing what is not a true thing.

And if you want to take me down for gambling or whatever it is, that's fine.

You know, it is the way it is.

And you know what?

I'm not even the bad guy.

No, I am the bad guy.

I shouldn't have been doing that, but I'm not even the bad guy.

Why do you have to the people who are coming after me for money?

And the PTA, you can tell the PTA whatever you want.

I haven't done anything with their money.

In fact, I'm just trying to get a projector system for them.

So, you know what?

No, I have nothing more to say until we get a lawyer.

Okay, think it over.

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Kelsey emerges, tears streaming down her face from the interrogation room.

Whoa, ho, what the hell?

Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Grammar.

No, I didn't cooperate.

Guys, I just wanted to say that.

Miss Trout, you're up next.

Let's go.

Okay, um, Trudy, Trudy, Trudy, look at me.

Let's go, Mrs.

Trout.

We're a team, and I've been a bad person.

I'm sorry.

My, my, it's bright in here.

If you wouldn't mind turning down a light a shade, I'm sorry, that's just the way that the light works, Mrs.

Trout.

Oh, I know all about how light works because of the sun.

Okay.

Can I get you anything?

Tea, coffee?

Mrs.

Pickett makes a mean cup of Joe?

Uh, Joe, yes, coffee, yes.

And then I'll stay up all night long.

Tucker hates when I do that.

He says I need to recharge and

be renewed.

Big Shane presses a button on the intercom and says, Can we get a cup of coffee in here, Miss Pickett?

And you hear, like, oh, yeah, you betcha.

I'll be right in with that you.

Mrs.

Drought, how does a sweet little homemaker like you get tangled up with a character like Tony Collette?

Oh, well, first I saw a little sheet of paper that said bowlers wanted.

And I thought, hmm, maybe I could be a bowler.

So I called the number on the piece of paper.

And then we were, we were, we were, um, we, we, we, we, we, we were, um, yes, we were bonded together over a ball, over a bowling ball.

We're a bowling team, you see.

You know, you remind me of my wife.

Lonely, depressed, unsatisfied.

Oh, she drinks her problems away, but you're a bowler.

How does that happen?

What draws a woman like you to bowling?

Hmm.

Well,

the pins.

I like watching them fall over.

It's like my problems falling into place, and I can see a straight path where they're all be knocked over one by one, maybe in one fell swoop, and maybe, if I make a mistake, I get to try try again.

That's beautiful.

You have a beautiful mind.

Miss Trout, here's what I think happened.

I think one day, a lonely little housewife meets a dashing used car salesman.

He's sensitive, a little mysterious, but he's kind.

Everything her husband's not.

He invites her to join his bowling team.

And the lonely little missus says, what's the harm?

But before they even get to frame five, he's whispering the communist manifesto in her ear.

And she realizes she's made a horrible, horrible mistake.

But she's in too deep now.

She she can't tell her husband he'd be furious she can't tell her friends she doesn't have any and so she gets drawn deeper and deeper into his topsy-turvy world and she's desperate for a way out well here it is mrs trout your way out well i'll just ask you sir what would the communist manifesto sound like how would i know if i were hearing it it's a book written by karl marx and how would you know that if you were to

well i um well you know i have to research these things in my job as a law enforcement officer And, you know,

it weighs heavily on my mind.

Friedrich Nietzsche says that battle not with monsters.

Lest ye become a monster.

And that's, well, you know, someone has to, someone has to watch out.

Someone has to watch out for the reds.

And that's what I'm doing.

And that's what I'm doing right now.

And you're in a lot of trouble, Missy.

And he slides this piece of paper over, but I can get you out of it.

Okay.

And he shows you a typed confession with your name on it.

Francis and Camon Juan's names are noticeably absent from this document.

It's basically a complete pack of lies.

All I need from you, Miss Trout, is to confirm this story and you're free to go.

This confession goes into a sealed file at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet and lonely little life.

Now, how does that sound?

My sweet and lonely little life.

Well,

it is awful lonely.

I'm not sure I want to go back.

I

feel renewed.

with my bowling team.

I feel like a new woman.

I feel like I've never felt in my entire life.

And the fact that you would just box me up and put me back.

I don't think I would like that very much.

But I know that Tucker would sure be disappointed.

Oh my, what a conundrum.

Hmm.

And of course I might miss my 2.5 beautiful children as well if I were in jail, in prison, in the lock-up down the river.

Yes.

You know that husband of yours, speaking of Tucker, he's an interesting fellow.

Yes, I love hearing him talk.

I could hear him talk for hours.

I don't suppose it would interest you to know that we have a file on Tucker here.

Would that interest you to know about that?

Oh,

I suppose.

I'd always love to know more about Tucker.

He opens this huge filing cabinet and rifles through it and pulls out this thick file, and it says Tucker Trout on it.

Seems your husband has been making some unusual trips every Tuesday from 12 o'clock to 2 o'clock p.m.

That's that's right when you have bowling practice, isn't it?

Yes, of course.

Well, we have some photos right here.

I think you'd be very interested to see.

I know for my spouse, I'd want to see them.

And they're, of course, yours to look at.

Okay, I can see if you sign this document.

Oh, darn it.

Oh, no.

It is so tempting to want to look at the photos.

But I just couldn't possibly tell this horrendous lie.

Oh, Tucker.

Tucker will be so disappointed if I don't come home.

In fact, I feel compelled to go home to Tucker.

I feel like I don't know what I'll do if I don't go home to Tucker.

Tucker doesn't have to know about anything that happened tonight if you sign this document.

But here's the thing: Tucker knows everything.

He is so smart.

He's just the sharpest knife in the drawer.

And I have many knives because I cut many things, all food-related, of course.

But the thing is,

I

just don't feel right signing it.

So he holds up the file with these photos in it and he puts a lighter up to it.

Oh my goodness.

Last chance.

You know, you know, and I know that your husband is hiding things from you.

You know that deep down

is driving you crazy.

You know that you want to know

Kelsey, they're not your friends.

My name is Trudy.

Trudy, I'm sorry.

Kelsey was on my mind because Kelsey was just in here sending you down the river.

You and Tony and the whole lot.

She sang like a bird so did kamone wand so is tony when he's gonna come in here you have one chance you are a good american housewife and i want to protect you i'm the only one in this situation who wants to protect you so please sign the paper learn what's happening with your husband and fix your family trudy it's falling apart and you know that it is oh my family is the perfect family we have a white picket fence and a dog named doodles

and he is the best dog my family is completely, perfectly fine, and I don't want to know anything else about anything.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Think it over.

Trudy, who are you?

Trudy, what happened in that?

Trudy emerges harried and shaken with a riptist smile plastered on her face.

Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Trout.

That was not.

It's uh,

I'm just the same person that I always was.

Okay, Trudy, you didn't say anything, did you?

Mr.

Colette.

Excuse me, we're talking.

I want to get a read of both Kelsey and Trudy.

Like, is there anything from their body language, them coming back, any like clues I can pick up?

Because what I want to do is not do this interrogation.

So I want to get a sense of, like, is there any moves that I can do?

Is there any weaknesses in the deck?

Yeah, give me a...

What would that be?

What looks good on your skill sheet, Freddy?

This feels like a...

Psychology?

Yeah, I'll do psychology.

Okay, give me a psychology role.

52 out of 50, I barely fail.

Ooh, I'll burn two locked up.

Okay.

What does he clock on the two of you as he's looking at you?

That you were a bully, and you could tell that Kelsey definitely admitted to something that was bad or she thinks is bad, but she is strong and would never betray the guttural scream.

Okay.

And I didn't say anything.

That's what I'm saying.

I say, I didn't say anything.

Trudy, you didn't say anything, right?

I look over at Trudy.

You can tell that Trudy is having second thoughts about everything that she said in that room.

All right.

Trudy Hun, what, no, did you?

You know it's like Kumo Wong got to leave, right?

Yeah, she sold us out.

She got a lawyer.

She's awful.

All right, okay.

This mom sucks.

Mr.

Colette, walk with me.

Trudy,

what did you do?

I didn't do shit.

Sergeant Silva, I got a bone to pick with you.

All right, Colette, have at it.

What the hell, man?

You've manhandled these ladies.

What will their husbands think?

What will their husbands think about what you've been doing, Mr.

Colette?

I'm ready to bust this case wide open, Mr.

I don't give a shit what their husbands think.

All of a sudden, there's a knock at the door, and Shane's like, what?

And Penny Pickett peeks her head in.

She says, Oh, Mr.

Silva, it's Sergeant Silva.

Sergeant Silva, there's a big call from Washington on line 140.

You want me to patch that through to your office?

Won't give his name, but he says it's real urgent.

Send it through to my office.

I'll be right there.

Penny.

You

wait.

Penny, you don't touch.

Where's the food?

Penny, you said you bring food.

Penny, what the hell?

Shane gets up and leaves the the room.

And then Penny glances over her shoulder, shuts the door, and sits down right in front of you.

And she says, Don't revere, comrade.

Do not speak.

We have little time.

You're here to relieve me from Central Command.

Duh?

Listen very carefully.

Project Heartland is still alive.

The Americans have made contact with Zuza.

They will summon him when the stars are right.

Now you tell Central to get me the hell out of here.

You're my replacement, yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, you got it.

What the fuck?

What?

Please, look.

And then she hands you this locket and like opens it.

And there's like like a picture of her daughter in there.

Like, she's got like a little babushka on, like, this adorable.

I have a daughter back home in Russia.

I just want to live to see her again.

I must escape Peach Evil before this whole town is destroyed.

And right as she's saying that, the door swings back open.

And she's like, and so that's you wanted one coffee, right, dear?

You wanted a coffee?

Two coffees.

Okay, yeah, you bet you.

Hot.

Hot.

She kind of like goes back behind Sylvan, like, she's looking at you with these desperate eyes as she closes the door.

Shane sees none of this.

Okay.

All right, Mr.

Colette.

Why don't we start at the top?

Yes.

State your name for the record, please.

Antonio Coletta.

No, no, no, no.

Your real name.

Antonio Coletta.

It's going to be like that then, okay?

Well, no, this is my name.

That's it.

They call me Tony.

It's Italian, right?

Yeah, it's goddamn right.

It's Italian.

Proud of it.

Okay, well.

Not like the other Italians.

Yes, that's right.

Tony Colette's a self-hating Italian.

Mr.

Colette.

Yes.

Do you have a cigarette?

Do you see these files here?

Cigarette.

I do.

I want smoking.

I want smoke.

Hit me up.

Smoke your own.

Fine.

Give me a lighter.

I won't.

I'm not holding you.

I'm not asking you anything.

I'm here to ask the question, sir.

I'm not asking a question.

I'm just saying, like, give me a lighter.

Light this up.

I want some.

Nicotine.

Italians, they call it.

And nicotine.

You know, back in the motherland, we call this.

He lights your cigarette.

Nicotine.

He lights your cigarette while rubbing his temples like Jesus fucking and I puff at it most daintily my friend well yeah you see

you see these files right now I see the files will you I've got a file on every person in this town Jesus Christ man is that legal meticulous record keeping is something that they drill into you at the bureau and that's just a little hobby of nerd fucking nerd oh we had names for pencil necks like you in the force here's my file on tony collet

pulls out this file how thick is it dog it is empty

it's completely empty and he he slams it down on the table.

I can't find, for as much looking as I do, I can't find a single solitary piece of information about you, Tony Collette.

No prior address, no medical records, no war service files, nothing.

Check the IRS.

I checked the IRS.

I pay my taxes.

You're telling me I've been paying my taxes and they don't have any record of it?

God damn, man.

What have I been doing?

It's like you just popped into existence one day in this town.

How do you explain that?

Your record keeping sucks, and we had a world war.

Jesus Christ, man, man don't need to do your job for you here's how i explain it i think tony collet is a fabrication a cipher a ghost your real name is probably scribbled down in some file in the kremlin let me guess ivan what boris no dimitri oh none of these are italian names no deal to cut with you pinko your comrades have already given you up trudy i highly doubt that you'll see

they sang like canaries they told me the whole story and sing all they want i bowled next to those women and those women that didn't say shit because they have nothing to say look pal the only thing that's going to save you from the gas chamber is if you give me a name, a handler, a higher up, somebody in the organization, your boss.

I need somebody.

I need blood on the table and you're going to give it to me or you're going to fry, you little pinko kami bastard.

I'm going to laugh.

This is what Tony Claude is thinking.

If he's walking in here and they have anything on him, they would hit him with it.

The fact that he's like, you know, telling him to like sell people further up is like Tony Collette recognizes a Gish Gallup when he sees it.

It's like, I don't think they have anything on this guy.

They're kind of desperate.

They're fishing.

They're fishing for information.

So I want to roll to see what that would be.

I'll give it to you as a no roll.

Okay.

If you want to see, it's like a street smart kind of.

So edge you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Education, no roll.

Tony Collette School of Hard Knocks.

Give me a no roll.

I need to beat a 60 and I got 23.

Okay, so yes, you feel like he's bluffing you.

Okay.

And that he doesn't have as much.

He's overplaying his hand.

I'll give you a name.

Sure.

Charlie Barron with peanuts and popcorn.

How about Fuzzy Pots with my little sweetheart, Daisy?

Oh, maybe it's Frankie Saludo and his long-eared friend.

Emmett Kelly is weary willy.

You can go punch rocks.

I got nothing for you.

You're a tough nut to crack, Mr.

Collette.

Or whatever your real name is.

That's the real song.

Mark my words.

I'm going to find out what your deal is, Tony.

Yes, the deal is

every...

No one is as clean as you are, Mr.

Collette.

No one is able to just walk around with no paperwork, nothing.

I smell a rat, and I know a rat when I see one, and you're a rat, and I'm going to set a rat trap for you, and I'm going to crush you like a rat, you little rat.

Well, you better put some of the fucking good cheese in that because I'm used to the good Sardinian shit.

I can spell it out of my interrogation room.

The only deal that you have about me, you can read about the Sunday paper in the advertising section.

Get the fuck out of my room.

Ah, gladly.

Where's my coffee, god damn it?

There, you people you have working for you are fucking terrible.

Tony comes out ranting and raving.

Where's the fucking coffee?

God damn it.

I never got my coffee either.

I didn't even ask that.

Did I get coffee snaps?

Yeah.

Can I still get coffee?

Shane comes out.

He looks like he's just gone 20 rounds in there, and he loosens his tie and rubs his head and says, I got to give it to you.

You are a tougher nut to crack than I thought you'd be.

Yeah, we're got Earl Screen.

Okay.

We're bullet team.

No, I tried.

I tried to help you all out.

It looks like.

Sir, I gave you a chance.

This is my room.

Can you please leave?

He just looks at you, picks up the phone and says,

Operator, give me the Peachyville Gazette.

I've got a story for you, Dean.

I've got four names of card-carrying members of the Communist Party for you to print in tomorrow's first and tomorrow's early edition.

And I've got a story about someone who's been gambling, and you'll never guess who it is.

That's clickbait.

That's clickbait.

That's me.

It's me.

I'm sorry, Dean.

I'm sorry, Bill.

And I've got one more headline for you.

Four arrested in the murder.

of Officer Biff Jenkins.

His name was Biff.

He brings up the phone.

You're all going to fry for this, mark my words.

And you're going to rot in that jail cell.

Well, which is it, rot or fry?

Until it comes time for your trial.

As he's saying this, the lights in the room begin to flicker.

Oh, no.

And you guys look around and you see in the corner a man standing there.

Oh, no.

You see Minter, but he's just this weird guy.

And he's just standing in the corner.

Sir.

Is his face scary?

Can I roll to see if his face is scary?

Sure, go ahead.

Wait, will my roll decide if his face is scary?

Or anybody just seen?

What has this been a preordained scary face that we're only stumbling upon for the first time?

Hidden.

Yeah, I passed.

Okay, 47 million.

You take a good look at this guy as he's walking towards you.

He's got this immaculate black and white suit on.

It's like an older style.

It seems like it's from like the 1920s or 30s, but it looks brand new.

He's a little on the short side.

His face is like sunburned, like, is the best way you can do it like it's just got like little bits of peeling, and it's just kind of sunburned.

He has these bulging eyes, and his he just starts walking forward.

He's wearing these thick-soled shoes, and like, you know, that sound like that your feet make in a shoe when like you've been in water and they're like it squishes.

He's got like squishy feet, so like he's just squishing as he walks towards you.

Does he look familiar?

You've never seen this guy before in your life.

And Shane looks at me and says, Who the hell are you?

The guy looks at him and says,

My name is Relish Wet.

That's what's just I am from

the powers that

I have a message from

the ones who watch.

Well, there's their communist, sir.

Look.

This looks like a communist right there.

My God, unload your weapon into him.

Unload your service pistol.

Shut him immediately.

What are you from?

Langley Powell, what do you want?

And he walks up to him and he leans into Shane's ear and he starts to whisper something.

And Shane, all of the bluster and bravado, the color just drains out of his face.

Does he lose 40% of his blood?

He looks like he lost 39% of his blood.

He's fucking terrified.

Give me another spot hidden roll, everybody.

Okay, I'm gonna do that.

50, and I roll a 25.

22, I barely pass.

Okay, great.

Anthony, you can't hear us because you're not here.

Yeah, I know.

Anthony, how are you having?

A good record session so far, baby?

Yeah, I just been looking at Twitter.

Some pretty funny, pretty funny tweets on there, guys.

Any tweets on there, man?

No, Francis Stewart.

Francis just saying, Anthony, Francisphone looking at,

I guess, the classifieds.

Freak, I failed, but I really really want to hear it.

No, Beth.

Get out of here, Beth.

Go get out of the interrogation, Beth.

You can't get a listen to this.

We'll call you back.

You know what she's actually coming.

Get out of here, Beth.

Go talk to those microphones in the interrogation room.

All right, now that the real spot hidden homies are here.

I don't know what happened.

I'm also sitting here.

I didn't leave.

Yeah, get out of here, Anthony.

Get out of here.

Make me.

Okay.

He's not listening, though.

He's on Twitter.

His lips aren't moving.

Who?

This guy.

Oh.

You could have sworn he was whispering to him.

He just has his mouth open.

And just, he's just like, almost like a little,

like it's like he's breathing into his ear.

And Shane is just, you've never seen a man more scared in your life.

Beth, you can come back to you.

Wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait, Beth, Matt.

Ooh, just a pulse-pounding action.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, Matt, I want to talk about it with you.

No, it's a secret thing, but we got to do it in character.

No, I know, but I want to talk to you because we have a secret now that Beth doesn't know.

Beth, leave.

No, no, no, Beth stay here.

In character leave.

I left once.

I'm not leaving again.

Wow, Beth.

My God.

Did you see that?

I did see that.

Every bit of it.

Truly incredible.

What did it look like?

Trudy, did you see that?

Trudy, did you see that shit?

Sure.

Yes, I saw it.

Trudy, if you didn't, if you didn't know, did you see the truth?

We'll tell you what we saw.

Of course I saw it.

Okay, that was really scary, right?

So Shane

Kosovo Kelsey's like, right?

That was crazy.

Crazy.

Trudy, that was crazy.

Trudy, isn't it?

Shane turns to all of you.

You know why it's crazy, right, Trudy?

Yes.

Shane turns to all of you and opens his mouth and says, and right then, we rewind all the way back

to the beginning of the night.

Not the beginning of the night.

We rewind all the way back to the beginning of the episode, but we fly across Peachyville and into and under the bed of Kelsey Grammar, where one

Francis Farnsworth is currently hiding.

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I stream about tech, gaming, and the stuff I actually buy right here with my community.

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Oh, geez.

Oh, geez.

Oh, geez.

Oh, geez.

Anthony, can I give you a gift?

Yeah.

I give you complete control over a piece of lore.

You can describe however you want what the underneath of Kelsey's bed looks like.

What a treat for you.

Why do you describe what you see out there?

I won't say no.

You can say anything you want.

Is it clean?

Is it dirty?

What's happening?

Let's go live anaconda.

Frances finds a bunch of other encyclopedias

that she's been plagiarizing from.

Oh, my God!

What?

Oh, my God.

This is the biggest.

Holy shit, I prepped and this is the fucking biggest twist of the episode.

Kelsey feels something under her bed.

She's like, no,

everything's coming up tonight.

Frances is hiding under this bed amidst the ill-gotten plagiarized encyclopedias.

What a fucking headshot to my character.

That was fucking good.

I got to go with this.

Without missing a B.

Without missing a B.

Jesus is the best in the biz.

Didn't come at the king.

You best not miss.

So once again, you hear this pounding on the door and you hear someone saying, open up, Kelsey, or we're opening it up.

I think Francis' smartest movie is just going to be to stay quiet and hide amongst the encyclopedias.

Okay, great.

I have to have that.

These guys aren't interested in knowledge.

Okay, so you hear splintering wood as a big, meaty foot picks this door down outside in the hallway.

Oh, but that's like a 50s door.

Yeah, damn.

Yeah, 50s foot, dude.

This is the back house.

Feet were built different back then.

Feet were built different, baby.

Oh, they were.

Oh, my lord.

Oh, man.

You hear two sets of footsteps.

Big journey, 1950s feet.

Bear.

Bear.

Photoreal.

1950s.

1950s

medium format Fuji film, 1950s, feet.

Photorealistic, epic.

Trending on Art Station, 1950s feet, close up.

1950s feet.

1950s cakes.

Feet close-up.

Trending on Art Station.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to be set for fucking months here, boys.

Oh, fuck.

Someone's going to actually put that in Art Station and post it.

1950s feet fucking like close-up.

I love Lucy Filter.

9050 feet, I love Lucy Filter.

Give me another close-up.

Oh, no, don't remember.

So, yeah, we're in this really scary scene, and this guy kicks the door down.

You hear two sets of big, sexy 1950s feet stomping around in the room next door.

Oh, no, I better not get an erection now.

I might hear it.

You hear these kind of two voices, the big, burly voice you heard before says, all right, Sven, cover the door while I look around.

Like John McClain, I take out a pen and write on my inside forearm, Sven.

Then you hear Sven say, you got it, Tor.

I'll stand here by the door and keep a little lookout for Mrs.

Grammer.

All right.

T, parentheses, H.

O-R.

You hear Tor rooting around, tossing shit over.

It looks like she's not here.

Damn.

At least that fucking kid Milton finally left.

We can finally root around this place.

Well, I'll tell you what, I guess we'll just wait right here till she gets home and then we'll beat the shit out of her and get her money.

Hey, what's this?

You kind of hear him towards where that closet was with all of the money on the ground.

He says, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sven, check this out.

What do we got here?

What is it, Tor?

Is it something interesting over there?

I'll say, it looks like a big pile of small bills on the ground.

And he kneels down and starts rooting through them.

And Sven's like, wow, is it enough money for all of the gambling debts she owes us, Tor?

And Tor's like, not hardly.

This barely covers the interest.

But what's she doing with all this dough?

This is a nice little pile.

Oh, here we go.

And Tor picks up.

Again, you just hear him.

You can't see him unless you're still under the bed, right?

Tor is flipping through.

Looks like she's planning on buying a film strip projector for the local kids at the school.

I want to know.

Looks like she's been scrimping and saving.

That's a good teacher right there.

Everybody loves Kelsey.

That's a good teacher.

It's a shame those kids aren't going to get to watch informative health newsreels and the like and learn from the film strip technology that Ms.

Kelsey Grammar has been scrimping and saving and boxing the night away to save up because we'll have to just root up all this money and take it and crush her poor little dreams.

And so then you just start.

Francis just starts.

Yeah.

Francis just like, yep.

Fire.

I'm 12.

I'm 12.

I don't want to fight two grown men.

I don't care that much.

I can go see the pictures on the weekend.

I'm not dumb.

I know how many hit points I have.

You hear Tor stuffing this money in his pocket.

He says, all right, I guess we'll just wait here.

And the second she gets in that door, Sven, you and I are going to tune her up for the rest of this money.

We'll get it from her one way or another.

And if not, we'll teach her a lesson no one in this town is likely to forget.

In my mind, I think.

I've been hiding for bullies for quite a long time.

So if anybody's going to outlast these guys, it's me.

I'll stay here, not taking action for as long as it takes until they decide to leave.

So, Francis, as you're a coward under this bed with your...

I don't know if coward's the word I would use.

As you're hiding under this bed hearing these two guys plot brutally assaulting your favorite teacher in all of Peachyville, you have a flashback.

You're sitting on your bed.

It's about a year or two ago.

Ah, back when I was on the other side of this.

I prefer the top of the bed.

You're holding the note in your hands from the army rejecting you for service.

Curse my damn joints.

And your father, Ed Farnsworth, World War II hero, is consoling you on the bed.

Not on the bed.

He's patting you on the shoulder.

What are you feeling in this moment?

Bethany.

What was going on?

Bethany.

I didn't do shit.

Why can a father not marry his son?

A father could marry his son.

What did Francis feel in the moment?

Oh, just endless shame.

He thought that there was something wrong with him and that he will never be able to live up to the figure of his father.

Oh.

So Ed kind of puts his hand on your shoulder and he says, look, Francis, I know that this is really heartbreaking for you.

I know this is a really tough time for you right now with this.

And I'm so sorry, kid.

Did I ever tell you the story of when you were born?

No.

He says through tears.

I know a thing or two about setbacks in life.

Before the war, as we've canonically established, I was a ballet dancer.

I had the lithe grace of Grace Kelly and the feet of Fred Astaire.

Feet.

Feet.

Feed the 1930s feet.

And if you think feet are great, you should.

Wait, can we call this episode the agony of defeat?

I thought I was going to be a movie star.

I thought all this great stuff was going to happen for me.

And then I got called for service.

I got drafted.

And, you know, I took this bullet in the leg in the war.

That ended everything.

I came back early.

before the GI Bill.

I had no prospects.

I had no career to fall back on.

Your mom was pregnant with you.

And I knew I had to do something to provide for my family.

And I couldn't find a job.

I couldn't find work.

The only place I could get a job was at a soda jerk shop.

And

I tell you, kid, everything I faced in that war, jumping out of planes, crawling through ditches, fighting the Nazis, it was all scary, but I was as never as scared as I was that first day I had to put on that uniform, that candy striped uniform.

go to work with a bunch of kids half my age.

I felt stupid.

I felt embarrassed.

I felt ashamed of myself.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have this big career, but now I realized I had to just dig down deep and do something I didn't want to do.

And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and your wife, your wife, your mom came up to me.

Am I alive?

So funny.

That's such a trademark that.

Someday,

I hope that you can understand that being a hero, being a man, all that stuff, it's not about the battles you fight.

It's about how you fight them.

It's about how you face them.

It's about getting up and doing what's right for the right reasons, no matter the cost, no matter the outcome.

You know, and that was something I learned that day when I picked up that ice cream scoop and I got to work and I rebuilt my whole life.

And it was scary and it was hard, but it's the proudest thing I've ever done is take life by the horns, move out here to Peachyville, raise you.

I know it's no silver star and you're starting tomorrow at the jerk shop and I just wanted you to have this.

And he hands you his ice cream scoop.

And you flash back to this moment where you're coward under the bed, thinking about your dad and how he said he'd always be proud of you if you would ever just stand up and do the right thing, no matter the cost.

And that that's what true courage was.

This is my moment.

And he falls asleep.

Okay, well, that's Anthony's side of the story.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You speak with a nasally sound.

Oh, does falling.

Do you snore?

Do you make that noise?

Motherfucker.

You drop, motherfucker.

You fucking destroy my character.

We kill yours.

Roll of you, snore.

I'll roll luck.

What's your luck score?

85.

I get an 84.

Oh, motherfucker.

Silent sleeper.

Oh, wait, no, that's good.

So you're saying.

I barely beat it.

Okay.

You barely beat it.

All right.

I think he should roll.

I know.

I want to make it fucking.

I think you should roll lesser luck.

Does this feel like a constitution roll to you guys?

I mean,

luck would make sense.

If you're lucky, even if you smoke,

we did get what we wanted.

I'm also the one who decided he went to sleep.

Yeah, that's the trick.

Look deep in your soul and then look deep in my eyes and tell me.

Tell me if Francis is a snorer when he sleeps.

You know this character better than anybody.

If you look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't snore, this nerdy little doofus, then, you know, that's on you.

Francis's entire life has been about hiding from ridicule from people who would jump on any opportunity to ridicule him.

So I think when he was younger and he was out on a camping trip, he snored really loudly for the first time.

And as a result, all of his campmates did a full metal jacket on him and just beat him with soap.

God, the next time he fell asleep,

and they beat the snoring out of him.

I think he just doesn't snore anymore because he's so anxious of the idea of making anybody uncomfortable,

even while he's unconscious.

But, Anthony,

Anthony, what?

Does Francis dream?

Okay.

Is his mind beset by nightmares?

Oh, yeah, constantly.

Does he cry out in his sleep like a babe for his mother?

No.

Well, that's fantastic.

Francis falls asleep and dreams dreams of shame and regret underneath Kelsey's bed.

And we flashed.

I like that thing in the dream.

He becomes like a really weird, like, he's like dressed as a soldier behind the soda jerk, and his dad is a kid coming to ask for an ice cream.

Yeah, Anthony, Mr.

Dream,

give me the weird fucked-up dream, Anthony.

I don't think I get control over the dream.

If you want to give me something fucked up, and I can react to it.

I just did it.

Okay, so yeah.

So my dad comes in, asks me for soda, and I go to get him some ice cream, but instead, I'm holding the the trophy and I'm seeing my reflection in it and I'm seeing BB like disintegrate in the reflection of the trophy.

Like I couldn't save her somehow because we gave up the wrong trophy and like I knew that was the wrong thing to do.

And then I hand my dad the trophy full of ice cream.

And when I try to hand it to him, he's my mom and my mom is holding the severed head of the cop that she killed in one hand and then a shotgun in the other.

And she goes, you should have done this.

You should have done this.

And she hands me the shotgun and I start to point it towards my head.

And she goes, no, that's not what I meant.

I meant you should be killing people.

And I go, okay, cool.

And then I kicked open the door of the soda jerk shop and there are just like commies everywhere.

And I go, I'm going to make you proud, dad.

And I start mowing commies down.

And I'm just so, I'm so fucking good looking.

And I take it over and I make it the greatest power fantasy dream that has ever existed.

I feel like so fucking cool and awesome.

And I realize I'm not wearing any clothes.

We need another role to see if you wake up screaming or not.

Dream screaming.

Do you mind me making it a nightmare then?

Oh, because we're saying that it's like a...

Do you wake up like fucking singing the star-spangled band?

Anthony successfully won the game.

He fell asleep and he doesn't snore.

sorry

more role-playing than everybody is yeah all right so that's anthony's dream and he's got you know what he's on our team we should support this we do support this yeah

francis falls

has a kick ass dream about bowing down communists and looking good and we fly back

all the way back to the present moment big shane looks at all of you With dry, parched lips, he takes a darting, paranoid glance back at Mr.

Relish Wet, who's just standing in the corner nodding now.

I think it's the time we fucking leave.

We can't escort in a prison center.

He looks at all of you and says,

you're free to go.

Oh, good.

Very well.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Wow.

Yes.

Oh, is that our lawyer?

Milton was a pro.

That was our lawyer.

Wow, Milton.

Good job, Milton.

Yes.

Okay.

You're free to go.

And if anyone asks, Officer Jenkins was...

He was killed in a hunting accident.

Oh, wow.

And his hands are trembling as he opens this door and just rattles the cage open and says, okay, you can go.

You can go now.

So what do you do?

Please get out of there.

Okay.

So, yeah, you all walk by.

Shane, you see him go over to like the sort of police dispatch radio.

He says, This is Sergeant Shane Silva.

Uh, cancel the APB on Francis Farnsworth.

Bibi is thrilling, unnerved.

She looks up at Shane and kind of like flips him off a little bit and then walks away.

So, we're at a police station, though, right?

We'd be going through the front of the office, like, are the cops here?

Is this an empty place?

Like, what are we seeing?

This is the late, he's the night officer.

So, he and Penny are basically the only ones here right now.

As we're walking out, can I like cast about the police office, like looking at people's desks?

The maximum extent I can snoop in this police office, I want to snoop.

I want to look for open files.

I want to look for boards with like strings attached.

What are they working on?

Okay, are you doing this in the open?

Like, Shane is still there.

Shane and Penny are both here.

By the way, Penny is staring at you, Freddy.

Yeah, because we saw Mothman and we saw there seems to be weird shit going on.

I feel like Tony Colette's getting his sixth sense.

Okay.

He's hearing about commies and stuff.

Like, Tony needs to get a little stay-to-play.

He needs to get some fucking elevation on the situation.

Stealth roll first.

All right.

36, not stealthy.

So I want to just look around in the open.

Okay, so Shane's like, don't push it, pal.

Don't push me tonight.

I can't.

I'm just looking.

I'm using my eyes.

Wait, okay.

Well, one second, sir.

You brought us in here for murder, and then you.

You're free to go.

You're free to go.

If you have any other questions, ask that man over there.

And you see Mr.

Wett just like staring at all of you and smiling and nodding up and down.

Remember, we should go talk to Mr.

Wett.

I really want to know how that thing that he did, he did that.

It's true, right?

you're right.

It's such a crazy thing that we saw.

Oh, my God, Mr.

Wettle.

You want to know how he did that?

I mean,

I suppose it would be an intricate.

Okay, we all walk in.

No, not we all.

Tony Colette would like to make a fucking roll to see if it was a smart idea or not to talk to this wet guy.

Do you think it's a smart idea or not to talk to the wet guy?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I see him.

You can't roll to decide if your idea is good.

You gotta do it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Josie.

I think that you

Kelsey, I think that you should talk to Mr.

Wett.

Trudy, I think you're the bravest.

I think you should ask him what

how he did the thing that we just saw.

Okay, fine.

I will.

I will.

Okay.

Mr.

Wett walks outside.

Okay.

Wait.

Wait, we're free.

We can walk outside.

We're free world.

We can walk outside.

Please go.

Shane is like, please go.

Just get out.

Excuse me, Mr.

Wett.

So you walk outside.

I think we all go outside.

We all go outside.

All All right, you walk outside.

There's the cool night air.

Doesn't seem like there's a person on the street.

And Mr.

Wett is just standing there under the moody Edward Hopper ass, a streetlight.

He says,

yes.

Hi, Mr.

Wett.

We were just, I was just wondering.

Yes, my name is Trudy Charles.

I know, I know, Trudy.

Oh.

Is he doing the thing?

Is he doing the thing?

Is he doing the thing, Trudy?

Is he doing the thing?

I don't care what the thing he did was, so I don't know.

Because I went into the other room.

Oh, Trudy, why did he just tell us?

Mr.

Wett puts a hand on your shoulder and he offers you a peppermint.

Oh, I wouldn't.

No, that seems like a bad idea.

That's a bad idea.

I'm not going to take this peppermint.

No, but take it.

Don't eat it.

And he closes his hand and the street light above him flickers and then he's gone.

What?

What the fuck?

Oh my, what the fuck?

We Jesus, this is even crazier than the first thing.

How did that?

I've heard

it.

Give me a fucking 1d3 sanity roll, guys.

Yeah, give me a sanity check.

Let's see.

34, I survived.

55 and then

49 on my 50.

I succeed as well.

We all succeeded.

So you guys are all,

but none of you.

We did see a guy burned to death earlier.

He had no problems with that.

You could have just told us you didn't see it before he was talking, but me and Tony both noticed that when he was talking, his mouth wasn't moving.

Yes, it was quite the the act.

It was like a ventriloquist.

Ventriloquist.

Yes.

Oh, that is so charming.

Bone-chilling.

But then he just disappeared.

That's not my ventriloquist.

That was not.

Yes, he just...

Some manner of magician.

Not a lawyer.

Where's Milton with your lawyer?

I'm right here.

I've been here the whole time.

Oh, hi, Milton.

Hi.

That was a weird guy.

That was a weird.

Are you okay?

No, I don't.

I've never seen him before in my life.

I don't know who that was.

He's a pretty good lawyer, though.

He's got us all out of there.

He's very late.

Us.

Go home, please.

Why don't you come home with me?

That is an obscene thing.

We're both going to the same place.

It's It's not weird.

It's not the same place.

I live in my own home behind here.

He unlatches his tandem bicycle.

I rode my tandem bicycle here so I could take you home.

Okay, well, I'm with my friends, Milton.

Milton, piss off, you little youth.

As Milton is being weird,

Trudy, you see Tucker pull up in his car.

Oh my goodness, my husband's here.

He's going to take us home.

I mean, me home.

Yes.

My bowling team.

Oh, Tuck, the strangest night has just happened to me do you get in the car i do okay so he wordlessly drives off into the night oh

we'll deal with you in a second um even gonna offer us a ride and uh looks like you're set oh block i have my no i'll walk with you tony forbid okay we'll all go together and then milton follows behind you on his tandem bike with no one on the back milton you're gonna need to run a far distant rear guard back up like a football field away enough

football field away

I've never played football before.

Kelsey stops and turns around.

He's like, Milton, just don't be that kid.

Go home.

Milton's eyes go like real wide.

Yeah.

I just, I just lock eyes up.

Go home.

And I go, Milton, you measure the length of the football field by the football field we're standing next to.

And he looks at there's a football field next to you, and he looks at Kelsey glaring at him.

You see a tear rolled on his face, and he peddles off into the night.

Hey, as a teacher, you got to be tough, but I think the kids are going to be able to do that.

Kelsey, Kelsey.

Yeah.

I would like to commend you on the way you handled that petulant child.

It's a common thing, you know, when you're such a good teacher.

Sometimes kids, you know, but Milton's a weird one, especially since, you know, he's a good one.

You need to beat it out of him.

Okay, well, he is financially.

Yes, he's your ward.

Wait, oh, your ward?

Yes.

Well, then you can beat it out of him even better.

Well, no, I would never beat him.

You would never strike a child?

No, I never said that.

Of course, I would strike a child

if I needed to, but I would never beat him.

Oh, yes.

Well, you should strike his weirdness out of him.

Now, could I find a good, strong backhand across the face of a child that addresses and corrects all manner of behavioral defects?

Kelsey just nods and goes, okay.

Well, good night, Tony.

I bet I could do your job.

I'd be a great teacher.

After seeing Milton go around the corner so he's no longer like a teacher.

I guess she's just going to walk home.

That's my stop.

Bye, Tony.

We jump to a Ford Thunderbird as it's driving back down these dark streets to your house, Trudy.

These streets are so dark.

Tucker is just like not saying anything.

He's just sitting there staring off at the distance.

I can tell that maybe you're upset because I was in jail.

He pulls over.

Trudy, are you okay?

Oh, yes.

I feel 100%.

I feel swell.

You feel swell.

Okay, well, that's good.

That's good.

But I have questions.

You have questions.

I just.

What kind of questions?

What kind of questions are coming up for you, dear?

Well,

they asked me so many questions about what I wanted when I was being interrogated and

how come I wouldn't just sign a piece of paper to put my friends in jail and walk free.

And I just felt, well, honey,

I love you and only you, but sometimes I feel friendly feelings towards other people, like I would care about them.

And it just seems so outside of our family, our traditional 2.5 children, and you and me and our dog, Dingle.

Dog Dingle!

His name is Doodles.

Oh, yes.

Yes, Doodles, of course.

It's okay.

I had a feeling something like this might happen.

And he puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Oh, Trudy, now you can see he's kind of getting a little emotional.

It's just, we're going to have to do some more work and we might have to start over, but it's going to be okay.

And he gives you a big hug.

Oh, Tucker, I love you.

I love you too.

And he slides a screwdriver straight into the back of your neck and turns it really tight.

I knew it.

Ah,

she's got a knot in her neck.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind.

And now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Birch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May as Trudy Crown, myself, Freddie Wong, as Tony Colette.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is is our community coordinator.

Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager.

Esther Els is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

We are back from our live tour.

Thank you to all of you out there who came out to see us.

The sheer volume of excellent cosplay, fan art, bracelets, T the T cosplay.

It was overwhelming.

It was very cool to see.

Beth was psyched to perform music.

We hope you had a great time out there.

We had a blast.

And we're looking forward to Europe now after we all get like 20 hours of sleep.

European tour tickets, though.

We're coming later this year.

Support season three of Dungeons and Dads directly at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

You'll also get previous live shows in audio and video form, as well as a bunch of standalone one-shot campaigns ranging from prequels to horny Star Wars.

There's a lot of stuff there.

Check it out.

You'll also join the likes of supporters like Kira Babiars, Horace, Wow Wow, Corey Wixam, Sam Matos, Ben Su, John, Jake Gibson, Will Galvez, Joseph D.

Andreone, Tatiana, Magenta Raptor, Peter Lee, Fiona Dowell, Maddie Elizabeth, Leaf Caliber, Alex Bradley, Matthew Helms, and Pittar Gritarson.

That Patreon again is at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Keep an eye out for stuff around our tour showing up there soon.

Multimedia delights for your consumption soon.

Our website is dungeonsandads.com, where you'll find all of our links as well as our merch store.

And our next episode is coming at you July 2nd.

We will see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the star.

But I'll stay

today.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

too far, too far away,

but I'll stay

today.

I was looking at my character sheet, and we could write phobias and manias,

and I wrote anacondas.

Anaconda?

I don't remember writing this.