S2 Ep. 46 - Lincoln in the No Holds Bardo

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

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This Sunday on Slayper View.

It's the thunder in the underworld, the competition in perdition, the melee in Heley.

Undefeated, Normal Oakley swallows Garcia, Marlowe Swift the Unworthy.

Takes on undefeated.

Taylor Oak, Lee Swallows, Garcia, Marlowe Swift the Unworthy.

We're only undefeated because we've never done this before.

In an all-out hell in the cell, in a cell in hell, death match to the death.

Normal Oak, considered by many the pound-for-pound third best four-square player in his gym class.

Taylor Swift, Maul Karate Greenbelt, student of the blade, master of the blade pose.

Hey, but like for real, can we just like rock, paper, scissors or something?

Two children will enter.

One child will die.

The other will become the American government's puppet overlord of hell.

Please, I want to do this a lot about

see the fight that has the CIA saying, We can neither confirm nor deny that our agency has any records regarding your requests.

The CIA proudly presents the confrontation and damnation coronation bout.

Order it now on ATT Direct TV, the only cable service in hell.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

Instead,

no,

excuse me,

no, Matt.

What?

No.

If you didn't say my name, nobody would have known who it was.

Yeah, I don't know about that, but I don't.

Yeah.

This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

This season, about four teens from our world sent to save the original.

Why did Matt do that?

Why not?

Because it was there, Will.

Yeah.

Because it was there.

Four teens from our world sent to save our world to fix the mess that their grandparents caused and make an Eldritch friend in the process.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Taylor Swift, the once Ranger, now Tiefling Rogue.

Now I'm like, it would be so much worse if Matt had done it after you had said your name or after one of us had said our name.

I did it at the only right time.

This week's Taylor fact, we got a lot of the close usy in in the last episode.

So, you know,

the clissy, as they say.

So, the glissy clissy.

The glissy clissy.

Uh, you may think that Cassandra, Taylor's mom, is, you know, a blameless angel in all of this, right?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Here's one of the animes she was in, Blameless Angel.

Yeah, yeah.

Here's what happened.

This scene was not seen, but immediately after Taylor throws away his green belt years ago, the scene that happens immediately is that Cassandra goes, Oh, honey, you look, you look down.

Is everything okay?

And then Taylor looks up and sees right across the street from the mall karate place, mall ninja shit.

And Taylor goes in, and then she buys him four katanas.

That's a good mom, five mom.

Cassandra Swift did nothing wrong.

Yeah.

She's got to redirect her energy somewhere because otherwise it's going to turn into something dark.

A taser.

Yep.

She's like decorating a taser.

There is nothing.

This woman has done nothing wrong.

And a grappling hook.

She's doing her best.

She's a single mom, Freddie.

Not spending like a single mom.

Take that out.

Take that out.

She's making anime money now.

Absolutely not.

Stick it in, Matt.

So good.

Keep it.

Keep it.

Keep it right down.

Sorry, Matt.

You get your hood.

You get your hood at the beginning.

You get your bad joke.

Yep.

Hi, everybody.

Anyone who is a single mom or was raised by a single mom, you know who to go after.

Oh, the nut boy.

Oh.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold.

I play.

See how weird it is, Matt.

That wasn't weird at all, Will.

I'm going to say that.

I'm just going to say my back meeting direct eye contact with you from now on.

Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold.

And I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school dad at home soccer kid.

I hate this error so much.

School Dad Home soccer.

I can't even remember now.

Will's making me blush.

The school dad at home soccer kid who is the protective paladin of his group.

Little known fact about Lincoln.

So as we know, his parents are very protective, and Lincoln often wanted to, you know, climb over those walls and play on the playgrounds with the other kids.

And the only way he was allowed to go outside and play with anybody else is he had to sign an NDA first.

What?

And what does NDA stand for?

That's right.

A near-dad agreement.

You always have to be near dad.

No matter what.

So he goes outside.

He's agreed.

He always has to be near your dad.

Can I ask, as we all know in legal parlance, a contract is only good as your enforcement mechanism.

What was the way that...

Two and a half feet.

No, but how did they enforce that?

What do you mean?

What is the punishment?

Like, what if he goes beyond two and a half feet?

He's in breach of contract.

Yeah, then Lincoln's going to be a good one.

Well, then what happens?

Sue him.

Yeah.

I don't know.

No FIFA that night.

You're telling me he never got in trouble.

No, Lincoln always obeys the rules.

Wow.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Lincoln.

Lincoln's cooler.

Okay.

At what age did the contract.

Because obviously he's.

They got rid of it specifically when he went to school because school obviously he could

entire life.

He was never more than two and a half.

Oh, if they went outside, if they went outside when he was in his yard, it's like he could do whatever he want.

But if he was going to go outside and play with him, he found something that's even stranger than the little monkey backpack with the leash tail on it.

Yes.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I play Normal Oak.

He's a Matt's.

Looking at me.

He's a Berkey Peppy Chipper Chiri School Spirit mascot kid.

Given that Normal may be about to inherit the mantle of hell, I thought I'd talk about the other time Normal ran a country, which was when he ran Ecuador and the school's Model UN and accidentally started World War III.

How did Ecuador accidentally started War III?

So funny story.

So Normal the previous night at the big football game ruined the game and caused the team to lose after a really botched like front-hand spring move distracted the team during a clutch field goal.

Everyone was super mad at him.

Model UN's the next morning and the rest of the world declared war on him.

sounds like you were just bullied.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair.

That's really what a world war is.

I was gonna say, you didn't start World War III, they did.

That's not on you, poor normal.

Hi, I'm Beth May.

Oh,

who did that?

Who did that?

Sorry.

So inappropriate.

Oh, my God.

Look at you three.

I thought we were all gonna do it.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe it.

I played Scary Marlow.

Gothung Secret of Darkness is not like the other warlocks, doesn't want to care anymore.

Fun fact about Scary is that Tina High,

she actually headed a petition to make emo music into black metal because black metal sounds cooler, but she doesn't actually like listening to it.

Yeah.

So if you could imagine like the soundtrack to Twilight New Moon being called black metal, like that would that's like what

yeah, that's kind of like what scary was going forward.

Who is she going to submit the petition to?

Like, what governing body would be able to decide this?

Ecuador.

Ecuador, yes.

Ishcor's guide to electronic music will, obviously.

The Spotify Nation, as exists in this iteration of reality.

Spotify Nation.

Hi, I'm Anthony Birch.

I'm your dad.

You sounded sad at the end.

That's too bad.

It is.

It's Anthony.

What is that name?

What the?

Matt says it's over.

Matt started today.

Like, before the recording, like, can we take a few minutes?

My blood sugar feels a little low.

I'm going to have a graham cracker and like a soda pop.

And like, folks, that was not the right decision because Matt's coming in.

Matt's wearing like a Matt's got like a shirt on.

I've never seen him wear before.

I think it's such a cute shirt.

Like as soon as Matt opened the door, I was like, hello.

Look at that cute shirt.

It's kind of like Bahama Dad.

Matt's coming in with a straight camera.

Matt came in straight from Margaritaville.

Yeah.

I wish.

What am I?

And your dad.

Your dad fact or teen fact for today is that some people are asking questions about Jodi and Scam Likely.

Like, how did that come about?

Why are they together?

And it's because Scam Likely thought it would be funny.

That's pretty much just it.

I think he saw the most straight-laced dude he could possibly see and decided to corrupt him and give him a child.

And so he scammed Jodi into falling in love with him.

And it worked.

Scammy.

Because that's a thing you can do.

I love a marriage for the day.

Last episode, you managed to get the second and third out of four injections of daddy magic.

That juice.

That juice into your jar.

Just as you were about to leave hell to go find the final piece of daddy magic, which would be with Henry Oak, the CIA invaded hell with the might of the American army behind them and basically said they are taking over.

And as part of their takeover, as is wanted to do for the CIA, they need to install a new dictator.

Am I crazy?

Anthony has come to flatten the FBI and the CIA.

They're one thing now.

I think that's beautiful.

They're all TLAs.

The FB CIA better.

All FBIs are CIA, but not all CIAs are FBI.

Thank you.

The feds appear and basically say that somebody else needs to take care of hell, and it might as well be one of you.

And both Taylor and Normal volunteered to be the king of hell.

So they summoned a big lava cage from the ground and said only one of you could leave.

And that was where we left off last episode.

Do we level up?

Yes, you leveled up twice because each time you managed to get a big important daddy magic memory, you got another level.

So you guys are now two levels higher than you were previously.

Level 13.

13 and scary.

I'm 14.

Let's just say that I, Will Campo's power gamer, may have chosen a feet that will help normal.

Of course you would choose feet.

You perf.

No, I'm just kidding.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I feel like that deserved a better laugh than it did.

No, it's because it's offensive to people who like feet.

And I acknowledge that.

I'm sorry.

We kind of also made a bunch of jokes about the word feet sounding like feet before the podcast started.

started it's just kind of just wasting gold just pouring that pasta water right down the drain okay go ahead will oh okay you got it may i start may i finish let's see the feet all right let's see them let's see them

i picked a fun thing that'll help me in my fight with taylor that's what this is is it to stop the fight and just be friends so really quick answer i should have picked that one andy can you describe the octagon that we find ourselves in really quick the canvas upon which paint so you know the thunderdome from mad max beyond thunderdome

half of a sphere made with a bunch of you know individual bars of metal that sort of give the sphere its structure, but those individual bars are made of lava.

You can feel the heat radiating from the walls of the dome.

And there are obviously big openings between these rods of lava where everybody can see you fighting.

Are they big enough for us to like climb through?

No.

You can try.

You'd have to contort yourself pretty well, but you can give it a shot.

Okay.

Do you have to like dip your butt?

Yeah, you have to do like a weird butt first, like compress your entrapment thing.

Entrapment.

Entrapment.

Yes, you have to entrap yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to Catherine Zeta Jones it.

Okay, okay.

Those two poses, the blade pose and the Catherine Zita Jones entrapment pose, are like the two physical poses I think about maybe more than any other for different reasons.

They are the two genders.

They are the two genders.

We don't want to.

Time out.

Time out, time out, time out, time out, Mr.

Smith.

Where's my cut man?

Right here.

Right here, Taylor.

Whatever you need.

And I'll give you your cut.

No, I'll give you your cut.

No, I'll be Norm's cutman.

Okay, okay.

Hopefully

we're not going to get cut, though.

We need our cut men in the ring with us.

Okay.

Schmengan says, that's not how cut men work.

They wait outside the ring.

But they're going to get burned if they try to cut us from the ring because the ring's so hot.

They can reach their arms through.

I think that we should have some sort of like maybe magical enchantment that we can wear around our bodies so that we won't get cut by the fire.

I mean, burnt by the fire.

That'd be a good idea.

I don't have one of those.

Mr.

Schmegan?

Yeah.

Mr.

Schmegan?

Yeah, Mr.

Schmidt.

Agent Schmegan.

Agent, Mr.

Schmegan.

Can I just give the hell thing to Taylor?

Is that an option?

I'm pretty sure the throne of hell has to be earned by blood.

So

one of you's got to kill the other, surely.

Could you just have it?

I don't really like to get involved in politics.

I'm sort of more of a neutral third party in all this.

I was there on January 6th.

I'd like to roll to Grima Wormtongue Schmegan for a second.

So persuasion?

A persuasion roll, if you will.

A wormtongue roll.

I got a 21.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

We're level 13 now.

I think it's over.

Schmegan.

You yearn for power.

The man behind the throne is the one who carries the most power.

It's just like when I wanted to be head cheerleader and they were like, you can be the manager of the cheerleader.

And I was like, yes, I shall be able to do it.

Okay,

you just convinced me to be the man behind the throne.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, wait, what?

You just said the man behind the throne has the right kind of merit.

No, but that's right.

He wants to be the puppet government, and we would be the ones, and he'd be behind us.

That's

the only thing that's not the one.

He's now even more sure of what he wants to do.

Schmegan, the man behind the throne, is nothing.

Well, you didn't roll a 21 when you said that, so he definitely believes what

they just both be the leader.

That's cool.

Okay, so really quick, I want to check using my insightful manipulator special ability.

What's Schmaghan's int and whiz versus my int and whiz?

He's got a 17 int and an 18 whiz.

Wow.

Jesus Christ.

He's a smart boy.

CNA doesn't skimp.

Damn it.

That's like way more than, okay, this person.

CNA doesn't skimp on the nootropics they give their agents.

Nice.

Their stacks are out of this world.

We're super going to fight, but we need to discuss terms first, right?

Taylor?

Yes.

I go up to Taylor and I whisper real low.

Hey, Taylor, okay.

Yeah.

Here's what I'm thinking.

You like, you pretend to kill me, and then I'll take a dive.

Then, once they lower the gate, we get out of here, guys.

We need to find like a third person to be like the actual king because there's no way they're going to let you out of here if they think that you're the king.

Can I roll insight on Schmegan?

Sure.

I want to see if I can get a sense of like who he would want.

Oh, the perfect world to be the leader.

Ronald Reagan.

He's got to be down here somewhere.

Yeah.

He trickled down.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

You get an advantage.

That's nice.

It was kind of the obvious choice, but I mean, you got to it first, doesn't matter.

Sweeter than the low one.

So the 14, you can tell that he kind of doesn't give a shit, but if he had to lean towards anybody, he would lean towards Taylor because his family lineage has the experience of managing hell.

Okay.

I don't know where that was going to go.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, spectators, is there anybody here who secretly or not secretly kind of wants to be the leader of hell?

Let me roll for the assembled masses of the might of the United States military.

So a nine.

It's me, Marine Corporal Sergeant,

David Hellman.

David loves Satan.

David loves Satan here reporting for duty, guys.

I'd like to be promoted to the role of leader of hell.

Great.

Is there anybody who wants to kill David?

We can kill him.

I'll kill David.

No, what?

He looks really big.

What are you doing?

All right.

Sounds good, says David.

We need a hell of a bad thing.

The cage barely opens enough for him to walk through.

That's huge.

What are you doing?

You have David Sanderson.

I roll in.

Okay, go out.

Both of you roll dexterity.

To try and not hit each other.

A natural one.

That's why, because I literally got a natural 20.

Do they cancel each other out?

You caulk into each other and you both bounce backward and stay exactly where you were.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Normal.

How are you out there?

No, you're still in here.

Oh, I didn't get in.

I thought I did a really good time.

I've been working on my front handspring.

I thought I got really good.

I guess not.

I guess I got to practice more.

Yeah, you just front handspring.

I'm into him.

It's a Marines in there, right?

Yes.

David Satan lover is in there.

He's ripped off his shirt.

He's got tattoos.

Is that really necessary?

He shows off his goat head tattoos.

I know who he'll listen to.

And Mr.

Schmecken.

I look, I say, I'll be right back.

Bitches.

And I want to grab Abraham Lincoln, who if I remember correctly, was down in hell.

saying bitch, along with Link from Legend of Zelda.

Yep.

Mr.

Lincoln.

Yes.

This country, hell, needs your leadership.

So if you could just like come with me.

I was busy.

You can't tell a lie, Abe.

Yeah.

You're not busy.

You haven't done anything.

No, I was just rewriting my memoirs.

Dude, you don't even write memars at all.

There would be old history if I turned turned around and caught the bullet.

All right, I'll come down with you.

Hey, scary.

Wow, there's more than four score and seven people down here.

Wait one second, Abe.

Scary.

What's up?

Schmegan says there needs to be bloodshed, right?

Yeah.

So, like, if we find, like, hey, Abe.

Yes.

You want to take a shot back at Mr.

Booth?

That's all I've been thinking about the entire time I'm down here.

I've been looking for him, but he's been ducking me like a pussy.

Deceive him.

Deceive him that

David Satan lover.

Maybe Shmegan will let Abraham Lincoln become the president of hell if he kills Mr.

Booth.

And Mr.

Booth would totally want to become president of hell.

And Mr.

Booth changed his name, right?

To what was it?

David something?

Oh, it's Carrie.

Holy shit.

Yeah, Mr.

Norman fucking Taylor getting pile dragons

around by David.

He's got one of you in each hand.

He's just smashing you at each other like dolls.

Hey, time out.

Time out.

Mr.

Michael Magan, I think there's somebody you're going to want to see here before before you let this fight continue.

You too, Mr.

Marine.

The Marine turns around and goes, Mr.

President.

Mr.

President, it's an honor.

Abe Linker goes, that doesn't sound like John Wilkes Booth at all.

He's sneaky out.

He just said something to you before.

Did he?

World deception.

Yeah, he just said it's an honor.

No, I mean, did John Wilkes just say anything to Abe?

He's at six separate Tyrannosaurus.

Oh, he says that.

Okay.

Has he been beating our ass for the last minute?

I feel like that's pretty safe to say.

Okay, okay, listen to me.

Listen to me.

me, listen to me, listen to me.

All right, okay.

Using my master of intrigue and my insightful manipulator, that minute, observing his beating my ass, I feel like gives me the ability to like mimic his voice.

Will you grant me such a dumbest thing I've ever heard?

If you were gonna say I can fight like him now, I would have bought that more than you saying I can mimic his voice.

That's why he's so good at voices, Anthony.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Oh, Scary's gonna roll deception to convince Abraham Lincoln that this is John Williams Booth.

I rolled an 11 plus seven.

Wow.

Okay, so an 18.

So he goes, that John Williams Booth always was a master.

He's an actor.

He was a master of disguise.

He was the greatest actor who ever lived.

And Hermie goes, oh, come on.

So Abe goes, let me in there.

Adrian Schmegan goes, yes, at once, Mr.

President.

We're tagging him.

We're tagging him in.

We're tagging him in.

Tagging man.

Tagging man.

We're out.

All right.

Roll dexterity to see if you can get in before the door closes behind Abe.

Can I lean into Mr.

Schmegan?

Sure.

Hey, there's nothing against the rules.

Like, you could arm Mr.

Lincoln, right?

The president?

Like, I think he needs your sidearm.

I don't think think he needs anything.

You're about to see a real fight by Randall Oak.

Okay.

All right.

So, what did you guys roll trying to get out of the cage?

I rolled 22.

I rolled a three.

Okay.

Taylor rolls out effortlessly into

somehow a combination of blade and entrapment pose.

And Normal manages to remain inside while...

What is that?

Like this?

Yeah,

it's exactly what I got.

Straight up.

Yeah, yeah.

Ass up.

Face down, ass up.

That's the way we like to roll play.

Okay, so yes, now inside the Thunderdome are David david loves satan abraham lincoln and normal oaks things just are going from bad to worse over here i feel like i turn around i'm like two minutes ago i was gonna fight taylor now i'm gonna fight this huge guy and abraham lincoln

taylor turns around expecting normal to be right behind him he's like we got out of that scrape pretty wait wait wait hey hey normal what are you doing in there normal pray for me shmegan goes all right it's uh triple threat rules so whoever gets the first kill gets to be president of hell just hide normal just don't get involved in the fight yeah just just like you know I'll be the Ecuador of this situation.

So just kind of lay low.

Immediately, David loves Satan, looks at you because you're obviously the easier person to kill thank you.

He doesn't want to kill Abraham Lincoln.

And Abraham Lincoln, by the way, Abraham Lincoln was like a cage fighter.

He was super strong.

Super strong.

He rips off his chest and you see he has like not a goat tattoo, but like a tattoo that says a house divided itself cannot stand.

It's kind of wild because it's a house divided itself cannot stand and it's like an arrow pointing down to his dick.

It's like, I think he's got two dicks down there.

Normal role initiative with me.

Deep within Taylor, there's an impulse to be like, can I bet on this fight?

I want to help Abraham Lincoln like concentrate on fighting David, but Lincoln wouldn't know anything about the Civil War.

So

I got a 12.

Okay, so you get to go first.

So first thing I do is I turn back to my friends.

I say, guys.

Go find Jodi.

Go find Morgan.

There's still a whole other hell thing going on here.

I'll keep everybody distracted.

I'll try to keep the attention here at the show.

That's what I do.

I'm a mascot.

And I know how to fucking keep people's eyes on me.

So I'll keep everyone distracted.

You guys go liberate hell.

But like, I want to see if you die or not.

Yeah,

I'm kind of invested in you.

You got it, my man.

We're out of here.

All right.

Then Normal's going to turn around and crack his knuckles and crack his neck like he's in Yakuza.

And he's going to like put the fucking teeny, the teen outfit back on.

He says, just give me one sec, boys, to suit up into my fighting outfit.

Okay.

And that's what I'm doing this turn.

That's your whole turn.

Okay, cool.

David Love Satan is going to come and deck you as hard as he possibly can.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

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All right, so he got a 19.

That is going to hit my AC.

Okay, so you're going to take 2d8.

Where is the box?

Well, never mind.

It's 2d10 now because I can't find any d8.

No!

Oh, no.

Oh, that's not so bad.

Eight damage.

Eight damage.

Okay.

Where's your health at now?

So I have 94 health.

Wow.

And he just got dumb.

So when I said eight, I meant 32 damage.

What?

You take 32 damage.

Wait, why?

Because he punched you really hard.

He's a marine.

That's like all they do with.

Yeah.

That's

two things they do.

Punching and amphibious operations.

Yeah.

Yeah, but he's in charge.

In hell, all damage is quad.

Yeah, dude, it's quad.

Why don't you do that?

Yeah.

It's consistent now.

Quad damage.

It's like in Doom.

Everybody has quad damage permanently.

Fuck, yeah, dude.

So Abe Lincoln, he's going to deck you as hard as he can.

He does 37 damage.

Is Anastabe coming after me, too?

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Hannah Zae would never watch a man beat a child.

Anastabe is not going to let that stand.

No, Anastabe is going to try to tackle.

He still thinks it's John Wilkins booth.

Yeah.

He thinks it's John Wilkins booth, so he's going to tackle him around the stomach.

He has a natural 20.

Oh, yeah!

So, Abe Lincoln does a fucking running spear on him like Roman Reigns.

He gets him down onto the fucking ground and then pins his arm behind his back and then takes out his like finger guns and puts him to the back of his head.

He goes, How do you like it?

Oh my god.

And then he rabbit punches him as hard as he can.

So he's gonna do

the head punch of the back of the head.

It's a legal empire.

Very, very, very ill.

Yeah, it's very illegal.

You could go to jail, Beth.

That's how illegal it is.

Okay.

17 times four.

This fight's gonna be over very soon.

So he does 68 damage to David, loves Satan.

And David goes, it's an honor.

And like,

fucking his teeth, like, just eject from his fucking mouth.

But he goes, but I want to be Satan so bad.

I'm still willing to do this.

All right.

It's Normal's turn now.

Okay.

What a guy that loves Satan, but also really loves Abe Lincoln.

Real complicated guy.

Normal is going to.

Because this is tricky because Normal doesn't want to be king of hell.

Yeah, no, he's going to run.

Let Abe Lincoln linken finish this guy off all right yeah i'm like yeah you go ahead you got him and then i'm gonna cast um sing the national anthem oh he wouldn't know that sing a song a patriotic song to inspire a link i'd know the national anthem who do you think sings the national anthem at the beginning of every no but i don't think no they had the national anthem but abe lincoln was around

wouldn't it be the same thing war of 1812 is when they had no national anthem anthem it was just a shitty song

that we like a shitty poem that no i am going to cast

it's just a shitty song it was a a great song.

Wait,

what was the national anthem then?

Hold on.

I'm took a look at it.

It officially became it in 1931.

Okay.

Wow, that took a while.

Other hymns.

So Hail Columbia was for most official functions My Country Tis of D, which is God Save the King.

Yeah, my Country Tiz of David.

Whose melody's identical to God Save the King, the United Kingdom's national anthem?

That's the thing.

That's so fucking hard.

That's really chippy, dude.

No, that's hard.

We've beaten them.

We're like, no, it's like you guys broke up.

You're like, you're not broke up with your ex, but then you're like fucking checking their Instagram all the time.

It's like you broke up with their ex, but then you buy buy their house.

Be better, America.

Normal casts, hold person on David Love Satan.

Yeah.

And then I'm also going to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic to pump up Abe Lincoln.

Okay.

John Brown's body lies molding in the grave.

So what is hold person?

Is it just like a wisdom saving girl or whatever?

Yes, wisdom 16.

Wisdom 16.

Ew, he got a 19.

I'm so sorry.

John Brown's body lies molding in the grave.

So he's run away.

He shoots this watch again.

You got to save this.

So as you run away from him, he gets to make an opportunity attack.

A 16?

Yeah, that hits my AC of 12.

Okay.

18 times 4.

72 damage.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Normal's in death skills.

Holy shit.

Can I plunge my hand?

You said you can fit through it, but I could probably fit my hand through the camera.

Yeah, for sure.

I want to do lay-on hands on normal.

All right.

Go ahead and roll initiative to see where you go in the order.

19.

Ooh, okay.

You get to go next.

Yes.

All right.

So you lay on hands, normal.

So I feel like normal does like a fucking, like in Creed when he gets uppercut.

I think he's like, he slow-mo falls into the thing and like his bells rung.

He's looking back at his whole life.

Just fucking, just him getting dunked on 24-7 by everybody.

Normal, no.

And I reached my hands like, and when I said I want to be Taylor's cutman, I thought like the cutman was the person who cuts them.

As in, like, I didn't want to to cut you because, like, you're my bro, you know.

So, like,

bro, here.

And I'm going to do the lay on hands.

I'm just going to do the whole lay on hands.

I'm filling out that whole.

I'm just, I'm just using it at all.

All right, whatever.

I can do 65.

Whoa, wait, whoa, wait.

What?

As an action, you can touch a creature to restore any number of HP remaining in the pool.

My pool is 65.

Holy shit.

Per long rest.

Wow.

Paladins are fucking buff.

Okay, yeah.

So you give him 65 health points back.

That's brisk, baby.

Fucking normal comes off.

Slams are brisk tasty.

Oh,

ding, ding.

I'm back, baby.

Oh, you know what?

No, it uses, instead of smelling the salts, he uses the perfume that you use.

Essential oils.

Oh, my God.

That's eucalyptus, baby.

That's eucalyptus and B.O., baby.

Alarm.

Get out of there.

Yeah, now run.

Oh, oh, yeah, right.

All right.

Abe's going to take another swat at David Love Satan.

Same as David Lovesat.

Yeah.

Natural one from Abe.

No.

So he somehow ironically throws a punch so hard, he hits himself in the back of his own head and he goes, not again.

And he falls over.

It is now normal's turn once more.

What happened to Honest Ape?

Is he alive?

Is he dead?

Don't worry about that, Norm.

He knocked himself prone.

What class is Abraham Lincoln?

Abraham Lincoln is a fighter.

He's a fighter.

Nice.

What level is he?

He's level 20.

Are you kidding me?

This is a derail, but do you remember that movie, The Fighter?

I just think he had multiple actions.

Do you remember the trailer for the movie The Fighter?

Yeah, where it made it seem like the movie was not about what it was actually about.

So So, very specifically, there's this one thing I constantly think of.

This is in the movie, like, his hand gets broken.

Yeah.

And then in the trailer, they added this ADR where, like, a cop goes, He's a fighter.

Break his hand.

Yeah,

holy shit.

I totally forgot about that.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, I guess it's one of these things like Normal does like a little squat, and then I'm going to try to do like a perfect pirouette dive through the bars of this thing and then just get wedged halfway through.

Which is burning you.

Oh, wow.

Because they are

made out of lava.

Scary kicks him back into the cave.

So normally you only take 2d8 for that.

I'm going to roll initiative if that's okay.

Yeah, go for it.

And me too.

Both of you.

I got 17.

I got three.

Is my dad or my uncle, are they anywhere?

What's going on with the crown-ups just watching normal get tag deemed by Abraham Lincoln and fucking a huge wrestler guy?

Yeah.

So as you look around, you see that Lark and Sparrow have been surreptitiously moving behind Agent Agent Schmegan and one of the Marines, and they have their hands on their guns.

It looks like they are about to try to put a gun to Schmegan's head and basically try to use him as a hostage to call this off, unless you want to stop them from doing that.

No, a normal in a daze.

He sees in this blurry moment his dad and his uncle.

He was like about to tap out and he's like, I gotta keep fighting.

I gotta distract the fuck Smegan.

Kill him.

And I'm gonna get back up.

And then is it my turn?

Whose turn is it?

Right now it is Scary's turn.

I will probably have to roll for this because my idea is to cast wall of fire between

Norm and like basically section off the ball.

Are you supposed to drive a jezball situation, Beth?

To protect Norm.

To protect Norm.

Yeah, go ahead and give me a roll.

Hold on.

All right.

Excuse me.

Never play Jezball.

Okay.

Neither is Scary, Beth.

God damn it.

Welcome to the party, pal.

What do I have to go?

Just Jezball.

Go to the Jezball.

It's the first thing.

Oh, Jez.

That was a little joke about jizz.

This is an easy one, so I think you just have to complete the first level.

Okay, how do you do it?

I'm not going to explain it.

Okay.

He's a feminist.

Just don't hit the ball.

To create a line, the line is split into red and blue halves.

Oh, my God.

Okay, wait.

Okay.

Sorry.

Okay.

Okay.

Didn't know I had to.

Just remember, this is my life in your hands.

Okay.

Okay.

If a line hits the boundary, that half becomes a boundary.

What the fuck?

This is so poorly explained, in my opinion.

Okay, I'm just going to raw dog it.

Continue.

classic oh i start with 10 lives

do arcade do arcade well okay each level has one more life than there are balls

what okay

okay

what do i do

i'm trying you click with the mouse okay he's want to split i'm i'm removed

okay i'm trying to like okay

It's not going well.

Okay, they're separate.

They're separate.

Why does it keep going?

Because you gotta get more.

You gotta complete complete the level, Beth.

You have to cut off more of the level.

Okay, and it's vertical?

There should be a way to

get a convolve.

Okay.

That fucking sucked.

So after getting kicked through the cage by scary

spell and hurdles me into a wall of fire.

Yes.

So take, what is the damage for a wall of fire?

Oh, no.

At level 14, by the way, Beth.

Level 14, I believe you catched it.

Yeah.

So that's 6d8.

Okay.

So we're going to roll that and then multiply it by 24.

25.

We truly are.

It's 22 times 4.

Okay, so that's

88 damage.

So I'm once again.

Are you doubled?

You're not dead.

You're not doubled yet.

If you get to whatever your health is negative, then you're dead permanently, but you're not there yet.

Shit, I should have just used like 10.

Yeah.

All right, so I'm in death saves again.

Okay.

You basically just see me fly through this wall of flames, and then just this like chicken tender just slides up between oh my god and fucking david hell satan norm i tried it's just i'm not i'm not much of a gamer you know

normal flashes back through his whole life again in another slow motion knockout montage it's just a repeat of all the same bummer moments of like his fucking dad like not supporting him and his friends kind of all just not like he kind of gets the vibe that they don't like him that much he's just reliving it all back to his birth again although he does remember he does remember link doing lay on hands So I can't do it again.

I'm sorry.

It's now Taylor's turn.

Taylor's going to roll one of his mall ninja smoke bombs underneath.

I'm going to cast darkness.

Okay.

Darkness creates a, from the point I choose, 15-foot radius sphere.

Creature with dark vision can't see it.

Non-magical light can't illuminate through it.

So it's basically a big old orb of darkness.

We've seen this in the past.

I'm throwing it into the middle of the ring and causing the ring to be blacked out so that nobody in there can see anything.

And no one outside can see it either.

Okay.

Causing hopefully a distraction on Schmaken.

You have done that.

No one can see the boy who you need to heal now.

Well, then they can't see you either, dude.

Okay.

But he's the one he's in death saves.

He needs somebody to heal him.

They're just going to whisper underneath, hey, man, just like keep breathing.

All right.

So the entire cage is dark now.

And now it is normal's turn.

Normal give me a death save.

Okay.

What do I do for that?

You roll a d20 and you want to get above a 10.

That's a 15.

Okay.

So that's one successful death save.

You need three to get up.

And if you get three fails, you die.

Okay.

It's David loves Satan's turn.

He's going to try to hit Abraham Lincoln now because Abraham Lincoln is on his feet, but he's going to do so with disadvantage because it's dark.

Oh, and also, there should be a chance that he runs into this wall of fire, right?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I'll roll to see if he runs on the wall of fire.

15.

He manages to barely evade the wall of fire, but he whiffs on Abe Lincoln.

Abe Lincoln is going to counter-attack against him.

Give me a cool Abe Lincoln like one-liner.

I cannot tell a lie.

This is going to hurt.

Sounds like American Dad a little bit.

I can't tell a lie.

he rolls a natural one so he once again he once again punches himself in the back of the head

and knocks it out

so he takes 14

natural one when he chose andrew johnson as his running mate am i right everybody

am i right

a little history for you all he takes 56 damage and he is almost dead

oh no need to do some reconstruction on that face wow

all right now it is link's turn what is grant doing grant is was about to sniper shot one of them and then all the lights went out.

Yeah.

The worst dark movie.

Pretty much.

He's got a sniper rifle, and he's just like, what?

And he just shrugs.

He just goes, well, he just throws up his hands.

Can I hold my turn and be like, Taylor, you need to turn the lights back on.

Well, hold on, Link.

I was just

like, look at what our dads are doing.

They're about to take out Schmegan.

And I don't know what's taking them so fucking.

Well, yeah, be quiet about it, will you?

Yeah, yeah.

Frischer turn out lights and they were talking about what our dads are going to do.

What are you doing?

Did you want them to do it or not?

I do want them to do it.

You wanted them to get Agent Schmegan?

Yeah, because I want Schmegan to be like, hey, what the hell?

I want to see what's going on in there.

They're about to kill Schmegan.

Lark's about to put his gun to Schmegan's head, and Sparrow looks like he's about to steal one of the guns from one of the Marines, and they're going to try to hold Schmegan hostage to get you out of there.

That's what it looks like.

I'm going to run over to Schmegan and put myself between the guns and Schmegan.

The guns that Lark and Sparrow are holding?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

And we'd be like, stop.

Stop.

You just can't keep killing.

Schmegan, look at me.

Turn around.

Schmegan looks at you.

Yeah.

So there are guns behind you.

Like, I just saved your life, dude.

What?

So Schmegan turns and goes, what the fuck?

And sees that.

Lark has his hand on his gun and he goes, shoot that motherfucker and points at Lark.

Oh, sweet baby boy Link.

Wait, I still got to do my action, though.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

The moment I can tell that Schmegan is not listening, I'm going to hit him on the head.

I want to stop him from talking.

I'm going to fucking punch.

I'm going to kick you.

You want to bop him on the snoot?

Okay, go for it.

Boop him on the snoot.

Freddy, can you imagine like an after-fight interview with a boxer where he's just like, yeah,

in the third round, he just really booped me on the snoot.

Snoot, snoot.

I'm back to Ripothuli Shell.

Gave me a love tap on my nozzle.

Manny Pacquiao moving in for the mlem.

Uh-oh, that's a cha out.

Somebody is eepy.

A natural 20.

27.

So what are you trying to do?

I'm like, Schmegan, look, I saved your life.

And then he's the moment I see that he's narc.

Link, a true narc, knows when somebody's about to nark like the moment he sees that shmegan is about to instead of listening is gonna tell him to shoot him i want to snap shmegan's neck yeah i want to do like the black widow i want to like jump on him and

run him and bring him down and then like hold his like mouth shut okay cool and i want to whisper into his ears now that he has to listen to me okay what do you say i turn his head to look at the darkness

i'm like well you can't see what's in there but it's a child being attacked by our greatest president and a Marine.

Look what you've done.

What do you even stand for at this point, Schmidt?

What do you even stand for?

Also, it wasn't.

Entirely your idea.

That's right, man.

Look into the darkness.

Hey, look what you're doing.

What are you doing?

Just let us out.

Gaze upon this stunning vision.

Yeah, if you want help so much, you can run help.

And then Taylor turns off darkness in that moment.

What do we see?

You see Abe punching himself in the back of the head.

Look at our president.

Look what you're trying to do.

Our greatest president.

I tighten my grip a little tighter.

And you go.

And if you don't, if you remember what I said when you interviewed me, I said, if you ever mess with my family, I would kill you and yours.

Unfortunately, I guess, lucky for you, half your family is already dead, but you're still here.

Oh,

and I start tightening my grip more.

Oh my god.

He's gonna take psychic damage from that.

And that's quadrupled.

So he takes 48 damage.

This is the move we should have been doing all along.

That was just no attacks.

It's just everything hits four times as hard.

It's way easier.

Dark Souls comedy.

Yeah, fights just take like one round.

I shouldn't tell you bloodied stuff because it's 5e, but he's bloodied.

Like, just you saying that has bloodied him.

He is down to less than his god's health.

He just got nosebleed from it.

Yeah, blood shoots out his fucking nose onto the hot ground of hell over skulls and shit.

Now it is Scary's turn.

And you can also control your dads and stuff.

I think Ron's just like, yeah, whoever wins, I just want everybody to have fun.

And Scary's going to cast Spider Climb on Norm.

Norm, just like hide up at the top, man.

Like, just like,

he's in death saves.

So you see spider hairs grow all over his arms and legs as he's writhing on the ground.

The paramedic comes in to drag Normal out, but he's stuck to the ground.

No, I didn't know.

I mean, I knew, but I just didn't know.

Only thing you notices, Normal's passed out.

And when you cast spider climb on him, his legs just kind of curl in like a dead spider.

I can't do anything, Brian.

All right, Taylor, it's your turn.

Wow, I've kind of done everything I meant to do.

You turn the shit on and off!

You piece of shit.

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

You ready for this?

Do you have any healing?

No, I don't.

I don't.

He did when he was a ranger.

Oh, my fucking God.

I'm going to cast thaumaturgy.

You just do it.

My voice booms up to three times as loud as normal for one minute.

And it's going to do nothing.

He got rid of the classic Helip, and now you're just going to yell.

All right, what do you yell, Taylor?

I yell.

I yell.

Normal!

Get up!

Normal!

Get up!

Get up!

Can we do like, if I roll a natural 20, this works?

Yes.

Like deep in your, you're swimming in your subconscious, you know, and you hear this voice, this angelic voice calling to you.

That's an 11.

Okay, so it doesn't work.

It does nothing.

You just, as you're drifting in and out of consciousness, you hear your name get shouted.

It is now your turn, normal.

Give me another death save.

Well, I'm out of that.

Lee's just like holding Schmeggy.

He's like, yes, right.

See my team.

See how strong we are.

He never defeated me.

I got a 14.

Okay, so that's another save.

And Taylor looks around.

He's like, I'll take credit for that one.

Normal's just sort of floating in an inky black void, and he's starting to see like a dim light come back into his field of vision.

Oh my gosh, guys, we should do the movements from OA.

He's like, this is just like on the OA.

It is David Lovesaton's turn, and he sees that our beloved president Lincoln has knocked himself out a second time.

So he's going to try to pounce on him and just keep hitting him in the back of the head.

So he does.

And

he's burying his teeth.

Marine can't attack.

The commander indeed.

He's the role that gets his training.

He's supposed to take a bullet for him.

He's supposed to take a bullet for him.

I'll have him do a whiz save to see if he does it.

His love for wanting to be the king of hell outstrips his demands of being a marine to protect us from all threats.

Yeah, foreign certain domestic.

Okay, so he succeeds at the wisdom saving throw, which means that he manages to triumph over his marine conditioning.

And he hits Abe Lincoln in the head so hard his head explodes.

Like a ripe watermelon.

This is the first death that's mattered.

Wait, no.

Oh, God.

That wasn't the real Abe Lincoln.

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God, it's like over in Martell.

It's bad.

Agent Schmanger goes,

it's over.

It's over.

It's fine.

Does Lincoln take damage for his namesake dying in front of him?

Yeah, Lincoln, why don't you take a D6 of of psychic damage?

Yeah,

times four.

Times four.

Yeah.

Worst case, it's 24 damage.

Yeah, no, I took 12.

Yeah, that's not so bad.

So the cage dissolves around you, and David loves Satan, covered in the blood and brains of Abraham Lincoln.

I did not see this going this way.

Looks at his hands and goes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, me, me, new Satan, new Satan.

And Schmeggin goes, I, uh, Hebrew, I honor you as the new king of Satan.

Lincoln's gonna let go of Schmegan's throat and run straight to normal to check on normal.

If you roll in medicine check, you'll be able to stabilize him.

Ooh, can I do that?

Before you see whatever fucking that traitor says.

Well, I got 15, I'm sure, plus.

Yep.

That stabilizes Norma.

It counts as another save, so Norm is not dying anymore.

He has one HP, basically.

Normal comes to and sees Link.

Did I win?

Did I get him?

Even better than that, buddy.

You're a spider boy.

I'm a spider boy.

All right.

Hey, I gotta tell you, I want to tell you something before you see it yourself.

Okay.

You've lost your mustache.

What?

Because it's singed to the fire.

It's going to grow back then, Devorfield.

It's okay.

Normal breaks down into Link's arms.

Well, what does Schmegan do now?

He's looking at the corpse.

Yeah, so Schmagan's looking at the corpse of Abraham Lincoln and the man who saved the union.

The man who saved the union.

He stands and he sort of hell because he said bitch.

The $10

founding father without a father.

Got a lot farther by being being a lot smarter and working a lot harder, Anthony.

He asks David Love Satan to kneel and then he takes the sword from Glenn's hands.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's my sword.

You hear the of many guns around you pointed at you, ready to blow you away.

So are you going to let go of the sword or not?

Whatever.

So he takes your flaming sword and he

on either shoulder of David Love Satan.

He goes, ow, ow, thank you.

And he becomes the new king of hell.

Can I look at Grant?

Because Grant, you said, had a sniper rifle.

Yes, he does.

Prime narrator.

Grant has the possibility to do the funniest possible thing.

Who is Grant pointing at?

Grant is pointing it at Schmegan.

What would the dad's point?

And there's a bunch of guns on him now, too, because they can see that he's pointing the gun at Schmegan.

Oh, how do they see him?

Grant's such a bad sniper.

He just not up in the light.

He's hanging out.

Like crazy.

Yeah, I'll give him stealth roll.

We'll see if he can hide.

Well, see if he escaped from the original.

I'm going to say that the darkness turning on and off gave him advantage on his stealth check because everybody was so distracted by that darkness that he went into stealth mode.

And yeah, he is successfully hiding under a pillar of skulls.

Hell yeah, he's got it's just a little sniper rifle barrel coming out of one of the eyes.

He's got like a scroll over his head, so you can see if you want, he can have the

and you see the like the laser sight, the red dot on Shmegan's head.

Do we want him to kill Shmegan?

What do we want?

Obviously, we want to save Norm and we want to go to Oakam just need to get out of here.

What do we care?

Yeah, so we don't really care.

Normal peels himself up off the ground.

His clothes have completely singed off, so he just kind of walks over feeling pretty Zorched up to uh Schmegan.

He's like, but shmegan

look

look and i point to dude who is like that's the doodler man like the sky's blue up there now we don't need hell why why are you guys taking over hell shmaghin goes that's the doodler yeah i mean get him

immediately into his wrist he shouts get him and a bunch of the soldiers gonna try to leap onto dude army pota link

oh it's harder than it looks guys i was thinking some pretty uncharitable things about you while i was unconscious but it's hard to make the right choice.

Say tell Grant to do it.

A bunch of Marines jump on the dude.

I rolled for like five of them and all but one of them managed to tackle them to the ground.

I not at Grant.

So you hear the clap of a sniper rifle and Agent Schmegan's head suddenly has a third hole in it.

And he crumples to the ground.

Immediately, the Marines, panicking.

Not the Marines would do that necessarily.

If you're a Marine and you're listening to this, I apologize.

Marines are not listening to this, I don't think.

Probably not.

Marines.

We're going to find out now.

Marines panic, as they do when they hear gunfire.

Here's what you do.

Here's the thing.

Here's what you do.

Hey, listen, Freddie Wong here.

Don't worry, Marine.

The training level's gone way down in the future.

You're the best one.

Yeah,

you're Marines.

Marines

went downhill after you left.

You're the few, the proud, but in the future, there are many.

And last but not many.

Schmegan slowly fades away and he watches these Marines panic and he goes, This is what happens to the military when you have 20 years under Democrats.

So the Marines start panicking and gunfire just starts going off.

There's a shot and then there's another shot and it becomes a complete cacophony of gunfire.

Everybody rolled to hit the ground.

What would that be?

That'd be dexterity or acrobatics.

Yeah, funny, man.

I like that.

I think he's a good joke.

Taylor, 9 plus 3, 12.

4 plus 7, 11.

7 plus 2, 9.

That was a 7.

Okay, so everybody that less than a 10 is going to take.

Less than?

Yes, less than.

Yeah.

I got 10.

Oh, norm.

Okay, so just normal is going to get hit, a winged by a bullet.

Well, normal has one HP.

That's what he just says.

Oh, my God.

So

he's going to take one d6 times four.

Oh, it's still quad damage?

That was a different one.

You're a talent!

Any damage is going to gain you to death saves.

But it's only one d6.

All right, so you only take six damage.

You are back in death saves, but it rolls over and does a medical roll.

Slomo flies through the air and sees his whole life flying.

I have the exact same

Scary tries to lock eyes with dude.

Dude, it might be time to, you know, be a bad girl.

Dude's pupils dilate, and upon hearing it's time to be a bad girl, dude is going to

natural 20.

What did I do there?

Oh, no.

The marines around them begin to shiver and shake, and suddenly purple tentacles jut through their bodies, violently ripping out their internal organs, organs, slashing around them, and cutting them into more pieces than a person should be in, which is, I guess, more than one.

It's just a rain.

It's just a slurry.

It's a slurry that just fucking goes into the air and just starts raining down on all of you.

Dude stands up and like a hundred tentacles are just coming out of them, whipping back and forth, just decapitating and killing and being the baddest girl possible.

Okay, okay, okay, that's yeah, that's that's enough.

That's it, that's good, that's good, that's good.

You are the best bad girl, yes.

Go ahead and roll persuasion to see if you can convince them to stop the spree.

Okay, okay, okay.

I got a 16 plus seven.

Wow.

Okay.

Cool.

The dude whisperer.

So dude sucks all the tentacles back in, and now all the guns are trained on dude.

As Schmegan hits the ground, out of his pocket falls one of the portal guns that you saw the CIA use when they were chasing him into the school.

Nice.

Link will grab it from the blood of Schmegan, and he's looking at the open, gaping wound.

Hey, Link, I can turn the lights off.

To cover our escape.

Hey, Taylor, you've done quite a bit.

Yeah, you've taken away the pain.

Turning the lights off for this.

Normal is trying to say, is there actually a good idea this time?

What happened?

But you can't hear that because Normal can't talk.

Yeah, well, Link wants to grab the portal gun, and then I guess my plan is to run to normal.

And I want to signal everybody to essentially, like, I want to shoot a portal like underneath Normal's body.

And all of us, like, jump in.

And I want to cover darkness that.

Okay, cool.

That's great.

But wait, Taylor, if there's darkness, we might not be able to see that we're all making it to the next portal yeah we don't need it to be dark

i'm just looking at my spells and i noticed there's nothing there

is no trick pony a saying

all right oh oh wait wait actually leak goes no that's good just aim the darkness at the marines like not where we're running to cover all the Marines who could shoot at us in darkness.

Okay.

Wait, because some of our dads are over there, right?

Yeah.

Can we check to see if, like, Ron and Terry are okay?

Like, they didn't get hit by the bad.

Ron and Terry hit the deck, and they're fine.

Okay.

As did all the rest of your dads.

Grant is still hidden.

Lark and Sparrow hit the deck and they are now pulling up their guns and they are going to start shooting at the Marines as well.

Our dads can take care of themselves.

We got to go.

Okay.

You hear Grant bellow from the Tower of Skulls.

Go!

Go!

Lark and Sparrow are going to run and grab Normal and just start sprinting it with him toward the portal if you've shot the portal already.

Yeah.

Dude, Hermie, come on.

The gunfire continues as dude starts to run and bullets just start passing through them.

Dude flinches from every bullet hit, so you get the feeling it's doing something, but not a whole lot.

And Hermie barely limps in after you.

Scary links eyes with Terry and Ron and says, am I going to see you again?

Terry nods sagely at you.

He says, go.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

I.

Yeah.

Bye.

Come on, Scary.

Let's go, Hermie.

Get in.

Okay.

And then right before Taylor gets in, Taylor goes, like, try and follow us, idiots and cast darkness.

And Nick and Glenn look at you, and Nick says, we can take care of him.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Okay, bye.

He goes, that's my son.

You join and go, darkness, darkness.

Okay.

Infernal darkness.

All right.

At his feet.

Your stomachs lurch as you jump into the portal.

Where did you set the destination to?

I assume Sandimas, because that's where Henry is.

Whoops.

Wherever it would.

I mean, we're going to be serious about just wherever.

I don't know how this thing works.

Last location.

Last known location.

Okay, last known location.

Star 69.

Star 69.

So you star 69 and you find yourself in an adult entertainment store.

He's asexual.

Isn't that wild that like star 69 is not a hilarious number when we knew it, but now it is?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, we've grown.

We've grown.

C-A-L-L-A-T-T is going to be the sex number of the future, dude.

So you feel your stomach switch as you head through the portal.

I didn't eat last night.

Wow, I haven't thought about the 10 times in a while.

You fall through the portal and you all land hard on the ground.

So you land inside FBI headquarters, which is

a familiar place to link.

Oh, man.

But you're on what seems to be a floor full of just office workers and stuff who regard you with curious eyes and confusion.

And as you look around, Temp Agency.

Temp Agency, sad ass.

Mr.

Schmegan's just, shh, you you guys know the drill.

Go ahead and roll persuasion.

Or deception, rather.

Taylor gets an 8 plus 11.19.

Oh, yeah, can we use that roll?

I like that.

What did you get?

There you go.

16.

Okay, so both of you succeed.

So they're used to seeing some stupid shit.

So it's a living.

And they go back to typing at their computers.

And everything seems fine.

And then you hear...

And when you turn, you see the form of Hermie the Unworthy collapsing against a wall, a sucking wound in his chest, and he's beginning to bleed out.

What?

I mean, the link runs to like, how why is he hurt?

He got shot

in the crossfire, and he goes, normal,

normal.

I do a medical check on normal so he can be alive for this.

Yeah, you're in death saves.

I am in death saves.

Hermione Hermes is NPC and does not get that luxury.

Oh, woo!

So,

what do you want to say, Hermie?

Normal help.

I look out to the officer who's like, do something.

It's a living.

Go get it.

I'm going to look around for a stapler so I can staple up the word.

Get in the office, right?

Yeah, there's got to be a lot of stuff.

You can find a stapler, but you see that the wound is basically over his heart.

And Hermie is coughing up blood, and his eyes are glazing over, and he's trying to say something.

And he's going to, for the final time, roll performance.

And he says, Normal,

I like you too.

And then he slumps over.

Hermie.

All

Used to tell myself it'll be alright.

Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

I know that no one knows me better than myself.

And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alright.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way.

I'll be on my way.

Treasures and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson.

Anthony Birch is our DM.

Will Campos is Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlowe and myself.

Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Theme Song is On My Way by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

Esther Els is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

And Robin Raff is our transcriber.

This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon, who has people with names like Shadow Spaghetti, Slimy Awen, Rick of E420, Jillian Lewis, Joey Hoffaker, John Croft, Brian Linscott, Joey Vincent, Alex Hill, Danielle Caprigliolni, Ryan Goldsmith, Cooper Ferguson, Tim Rosies, Aiden, Feast of Fiction, wait a minute, David Sand, Fresh Prince of Ben Hair, Scumback, Camburger and Fries, and Mitterbork.

It's that time of year again.

It's cyber Monday, Black Friday, sales, the purchasing things online time, and we're doing it too.

Head on over to store.dungeonsandads.com to see what we got.

First off, 20% off everything in the store.

And there's a lot of reorders that happened.

The two things that haven't quite hit yet, by the way, Deck of Daddy things, season one dice, those are a little more complicated to manufacture.

Those are on the way.

We expect those to hit in December.

And like, honestly, real roll of the dice if it's going to get there in time for Christmas, but we're working on it.

We're doing our best.

Just hard times all around for decks of things, eh?

Those are coming very soon, but a bunch of other restocks hit, including the Odyssey Satan hat, which is a perennial favorite.

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That website, once again, dungeonsandy.com, merch store.dungeonsandias.com.

Thanks for listening.

Our next episode is coming at you December 5th.

We will see you then.

way.

I just rolled Sense Motive and I got a natural one.

So normal's gonna.

I don't know what normal does with that.

Yeah, you'll never know if he was telling the truth or not.