S2 Ep. 47 - Inside the Actor's Funeral

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

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Isn't it rich?

Are we a joke?

You with your mustache burnt off,

me bout to croak.

Where are the clowns?

Isn't it strange?

Love we despise

one of us for chapara,

one fourteen high.

Where are the clowns?

There ought to be clowns.

Now I can see

it was a scare

hating my father instead of just holding your hand

Making my exit so tragic as all great actors do

My final line

I like you too

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

A podcast about Dungeons and Dragons, and specifically for kids, for teens, for young adults.

Wait, wait, wait.

From our world.

Freddy, let's be clear.

This podcast is not specifically for teens.

It's also not specifically about Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah, boys, you want, fine, you do it.

Fine.

Okay.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

It's a podcast.

You get them, Will.

We do every two weeks, and we have fun here, and we get to know each other and learn about each other and learn a little bit more about ourselves in the process.

Yeah,

it's an interview podcast.

Yeah, what's the show about?

The show is about four teenagers who, through a series of unfortunate events, have been entrusted with fixing the world that their grandparents messed up back in season one of this same podcast, Dungeons and Dragons.

Four teenagers and dragons!

Dungeons and Dragons will!

No!

You fell from the chair.

I will!

Again!

I tried so hard.

I got so far.

In the end!

Here it was the BDSM podcast.

It was a BDSM podcast.

So by the way, it's Freddie Wong.

I play Taylor Swift, the no longer longer Ranger Rogue Teen, gone

darkness casting, darkness casting, rogue teen.

Taylor's teen fact.

Last episode, we faced down normal in the ring.

It got me thinking about

the octagon.

Did that count as a face-off?

Like, no blues were traded between normal, which you were on the team.

They can, you know, no contest left.

But, like, listen, here's the thing, though.

Made me think about Taylor's first fight.

Ooh.

Yeah.

This actually goes into why he got into Mall Karate in the first place.

Taylor got into a fight when he was like in,

do the math here.

Let's say like fourth grade.

Okay.

Because I buy it, like he was kind of playing around with it.

And what happened was he was getting bullied at school for his collectible card game, you know.

Which was.

Which was, let's see, we're talking about the future.

So it's no longer magic.

It's just the Disney 100 shit.

Isn't that a thing that's happening with Disney right now?

Or Connor?

Or Connor?

What is that?

That's a Disney card game.

It's Disney's magic.

You briefly heard me talking about just a moment ago.

Dog.

Yeah.

He made eye contact with you while you were talking about it.

Yeah,

it was just

in your brain while Matt was talking.

Yep.

Yeah.

So he was playing Lore Khan.

He got bullied for it.

The bully Steve

took his shit.

That's a real journey we're going on.

Took his shit.

Took his shit.

And then his response.

was to kick Steve in the nard.

Freddy, you're delivering this like the kid that has to stand up and give a book report on a book dated.

Yes.

Yeah.

Real, we went to the moon in 1969 energy.

Since the dawn of civilization, there have been fights.

He kicked

Steve in the Nards, dude, which caused, of course, parent-teacher conference, the whole thing.

And then his whole thing was he won the fight.

And then he went to his mom and he was like, but I need to defeat him without marking him somehow.

I must learn the arts of martial arts.

So that's why he got into Christ, so that he could beat up kids better.

Without getting

in trouble for it.

Okay.

Yep.

He wanted to learn about pressure points.

Interesting.

Do you remember pressure point discourse?

Pressure point discourse was real.

Pressure points were such a huge part of my mind share growing up.

Just thinking about like, you telling me if I punch someone just right.

I had a kid at my school that would always, like, at the school, they'd pull out like a knife and be like, you know that any knife over two inches illegal.

This knife's illegal.

You also know that.

I'm so good at pressure points that if I were to try to do them on you, I won't show you because if I try to do them on you, it counts as a weapon and it's also illegal.

Like

Everything he sold would just be, it's this guy's, this guy fucking rules.

Yeah, every school has the kid that's like, did you know that my fists are technically weapons?

And you're always like, should you be here?

Like, shouldn't somebody say something about this?

Like, that's one of those things, I don't know if it's true, but he'd always be like, you know, a noose is legally a weapon if it has 13 wraparounds on it.

Such a specific wraparound.

That's weird.

Because I was always like, that can't be true.

Because like, one wraparound, like, does that make the noose more effective?

The honor was only 12 prep rounds.

So, Mike, it's irresponsible.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold.

I play Lincoln, Boss, Kicks, Lee, Wilson, Oaks.

Nothing.

Go ahead.

Oh, you know,

I said my name weird.

I'm sorry.

Well, now it's sad.

Yeah, I'll do mine weird again to make you feel better.

Anyways, he's a schooled-at-home soccer kid who's become a spouse and friend and protective paladin to his classmates.

Little fact about Lincoln.

This is the worst time he's ever lied to his two beautiful parents, is actually how he got into school finally.

They had a big fight.

Lincoln wanted to finally go to school.

He didn't want to be home school anymore because he wanted to join the soccer team.

Marco was kind of okay with it.

Grant was a firm no.

So Lincoln declared.

He was a firm no to actual schooling.

Yeah, Grant.

Yeah.

He's like, no, you're staying at home school.

It's dangerous out there.

Like, you got to stay home.

So Lincoln decided.

Because they were on there.

This is a new part of the fact that I just thought of on the fly, just like Freddy was thinking, here's the whole fact on the fly.

Here's a little on the fly.

Where's the shade coming from?

Guys, it's an improv podcast.

You don't have to be be mad about coming over here.

Their Monday night movie was Hunger.

So he was like, you know what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So, you know what?

Which hunger?

The hunger strike was.

The Steve McQueen hunger?

Steve McQueen.

They watched Steve McQueen's Hunger.

What?

The whole McQueen movie month.

It was Papillon the month before.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's a different Steve McQueen.

Yeah, it's a different Steve McQueen.

Oh, I thought we were talking about the other Steve.

I thought we were talking about Bullet Steve McQueen.

Director Steve McQueen.

Director Steve McQueen.

Anyways, Liga was like, you know what?

Hunger strike sounds like a good idea.

So he decided to go on a hunger strike until Grant agreed.

But here was a lie.

He was eating the whole time.

He stayed outside and said, I'm not eating, but he had hidden a bunch of treats and snacks all throughout the yard.

So he would walk around and look all skinny and look all sad.

And then get behind a tree and go, no, no, no.

Can I intercept this?

Can I intercept this with this overlaps with one Taylor fact, which is one of the stashes had a bunch of really good Japanese snacks.

You're like, I don't remember putting this stash out here.

And then I cut through Taylor and be like, like, hey, where'd all my Pocky go?

Very good.

Squirrels must have gotten to it.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos.

I play normal oak, perky, peppy, chippers, perky.

Will take a break.

Perky Peppy Chippers Cherry Skull Spirit Mascot Kid.

You should have let us touch your knees before the recording.

Matt is obsessed with this concept.

Just leave that in with no context.

I'm nervous about this episode.

It's going to be a lot of normal stuff.

And Matt was like, I could make that energy weird by touching your knees.

And I was like, please don't.

And then I started to walk over with my hands out lasciviously.

And then Will was the most scared I've ever heard him.

I thought a fun thing to do for the normal faculty this week would be to reveal that every morning, normal does a one-card tarot reading just to see like what the energy going into the day is.

So I have here a tarot deck and a book called The Complete Guide to the Tarot, which I just bought at a local bookstore.

So we're going to do a little tarot reading for Normal.

So you're just going to draw a card for me.

It's a one-card reading.

We're just going to see how it is.

Fuck, I'm so jealous.

I want

the lovers.

Oh, my God.

Upside down.

Reversed lovers.

Let's read.

How prophetic.

Fake.

I'm saying it's fake.

He pulled that card on purpose.

It is weird that right after Hermie died, I would draw the lovers, but I did just, you guys all saw it.

I drew it randomly out of the deck.

So the reversed lovers means quarrels, infidelity, dangers of a broken marriage.

Oh, no.

Our marriage?

Need to stabilize the emotions, possibility of a wrong choice.

Damn.

And you pulled that as your character, right?

Well, it's like, I don't want to worry about you.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm good to go.

Okay.

Should I do one for myself, real quick?

Yeah, but be careful.

I'm just going to put the lovers back in the deck so that it is a true random.

Right side up, right side up.

There you go.

What do you mean, right side up?

Don't mess with the fucking.

They're supposed to be because you can read it upside down or not.

These are arcane energies that you are so casually dealing about.

I got another reversed card.

This is an ill omen for me this episode.

The four of wands.

Upside down.

12-foot dick.

12-foot hog oh is it like one of those like minor arcana six of pentacles this is like a fucking these are the trash cards you know what i mean trash tier cards hey hey tarot deck makers idiots need hey fucking here's a free idea for you all banger cards like yeah okay cool the priestess fucking sick oh here we go eat of pentacles who cares replace that with like the mysterious cat here we go four of wands bouquets of flowers are held high but blah blah blah blah blah divinatory meaning upside Upside down, upside down.

Hold on.

Perfected work.

Rest after labor.

Peace, prosperity, harmony, romance.

A coming marriage.

Reversed.

Though the meaning remains the same, there will not quite be the same fullness of peace, prosperity, and success.

It's going to be a good thing.

It's going to be a mid-episode, y'all.

Can't wait.

Yeah, I think actually for a marriage to be legal, it all has to be a coming marriage.

That's pretty good.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, my name is Bath May.

I did it, Matt.

I did it for you.

You sound stupid, just like me.

Your words, not mine.

I play Scary Marlow, a goth monk secret of darkness who's not like the other Warlocks.

She doesn't want to care anymore.

Fun fact about Scary, and maybe a precursor to a forthcoming album,

Scary actually plays the piano.

Now, it might seem like a little like a soft instrument for a hardcore goth girl.

You know, it's not exactly the bass guitar or anything like that.

Or the note that you played on a piano at the beginning of Welcome to the Black Parade.

Yeah, that's very fair.

And it's also the fact that if you rearrange the letters, it's paino.

So that's why, that's why she chose to play the piano.

I'm Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad.

Hey, dad.

My dad fact for today is that we haven't done a lot of good work for our vendors and the sponsors of this show.

We haven't thrown to the sponsors very often.

And I'm going to see if I can try to find like an elegant way during this episode.

Like, to just kind of like kick it over, just throw it to the fine products and services that are offered by the people that make this podcast possible.

Oh, I got it.

What about now?

Let's go to the money zone.

Okay.

I'm really nervous about what Anthony's going to do this episode.

Or it's like, oh no, we're in peril.

Somebody better help.

Problem is, these are all funnier than what I was planning on doing.

So, you know what?

No, I'm not going to do it anymore.

You're going to go out here.

Do it.

Fuck you, do it.

The damage is done.

Okay, so when we last left you, you escaped hell, ending up in the FBI headquarters.

All the dads.

At the cost of leaving behind all the dads except for Larkin Sparrow.

And also in the fracus in the melee where the army was shooting, trying to start a war in hell, Hermie the Unworthy was fatally wounded.

And normal Oak Swallows, Garcia, was knocked out, so was not actually conscious when Hermie kicked the bucket, as it were.

Is Hermie's body with us?

Hermes' body is with you.

Am I still unconscious?

What's going on?

Have I regained consciousness?

So I don't believe anybody's tried to heal or stabilize you, so I believe you are still unconscious.

Does anybody have anything that will hit him with that death?

Yeah, you can just roll a medical.

Just out of character because I feel like Link wouldn't say this.

Should we just like hide Hermie's body and not let normal know what happened?

Just be like, you left your home.

Don't touch him.

Don't touch him.

Yes, if anybody would like to roll a a medicine check, they'll stabilize normal.

Link runs over to normal and trips and punches him in the nuts because he rolled a two.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Normal.

So we helped.

Why did you do that?

Okay, I got this.

I got this.

I know everything that comes about stabilizing a patient.

Taylor rolls a natural one.

So he trips over a link and then punches the hole in the other nut.

All right.

So now normal has two death fails.

What?

One more death fail and normal is dead.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm going to.

Wait, wait, this is.

Hold on, slow down.

I'm laughing too hard.

I'm laughing

get

our actions.

Those are the rules.

Okay, in case normal dies ID, you get serious.

Okay, go Beth, what were you gonna say?

Well, I was gonna roll a medicine joke because I was so afraid.

No pressure, guys.

I have inspiration because I said something funny last episode.

Oh, I mean, I bet.

No, you're always funny scary, yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

Because I, what did I say?

I did.

Okay.

I made a Ronald Reagan joke.

Okay.

Yes, I'm going to use my inspiration on this medicine.

You don't have to use it until you've already rolled it once if you don't want to.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

You could just be cool.

Oh, Reagan.

I don't remember.

So that's an 11.

So I'm going to roll.

That's enough.

That's enough.

That's enough.

It just needed to be over a 10.

Okay.

Normal is very, barely stabilized.

Did we make it?

Where?

What's what happened?

Hey, normal, yeah, we're out of hell.

You're

dead.

So much.

Oh, I'm not in the ring anymore.

Who won?

Did I win?

Now

there's someone else.

An alarm starts blaring, and Lark and Sparrow try to grab you under your shoulders.

Like, we have to go.

Got to go now.

Kids, we're going.

All right, all right let's go where's where's hermie um

well like goes we gotta go and we can't just leave him there leave who where where is he what happened um i look around i got a three in the fracus you don't manage to see hermie's body well how are the rest of the employees we convinced them that we were temps so they're fine but an alarm is going off Yeah, an alarm is going off because there has been an incursion in the FBI and they have automatic security measures in place for such an event.

It's like one guy's cubicle just like suddenly a bunch of rolling shutters come down and it's just like a little

while somebody gets up to go turn off the alarm because it's just tempt after all.

Lark and Sparrow are like, normal, we have to go.

Okay, but where are we?

We can't go without everybody.

Where's Hermie?

Wait, let him say goodbye.

What do you mean?

We don't have time for this.

I step aside so that Normal can see Hermie and I go, I, what?

He got, there's a gunfight when you're passed out.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Um, uh, okay, all right, okay, um, okay, okay, well, let's, let's go.

Let's get him.

Let's go.

We'll fix it.

Come on.

We can't fix it, man.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

We can't fix it.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, I just normal goes to grab Hermie and pick him up.

Link just goes with Normal also and just helps him and picks up the body, also, like, grabs the feet.

You can already feel his body growing stiff from Rigor Mortis.

Oh, man.

He's lighter than he should be.

It's okay, Normal.

We'll get him out of grams lighter than he should be.

Yes.

Thank you.

Normal is going to cast.

Normal's freaking out right now, but he does have the presence of mind to cast.

Hold on, where is it?

This marriage has one less spouse, but heaven's got one world rolling.

We're all widows.

It's a good question, Scary.

Are we all widows?

What a unique experience that, like, we can be widows in the same marriage.

It is so clear you did not like this kid.

That's why I'm saying it.

Now I'll wills look it because, like, I really wanted Link to say that, but I was like, no, normals just grabs him and

we run, right?

Yeah, let's just get him out of here.

It's all right.

We'll fix it.

We'll fix it.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

Let's go.

We'll fix them.

Lark and Sparrow run ahead of you looking for the vehicle dock bays.

What did you call them?

Garage.

Garages?

Garages.

That's not what I would call them.

Vehicle dock bays.

That's always cooler.

The vehicle dock bays.

That's like a hole on Metal Gear Solid.

Looting a vehicle dock bay.

Do I literally have a Reddit to the Metal Gear Solid subreddit link open on my computer right now?

Maybe.

I do.

So yeah, you run to the vehicle dock bays and you find a Humvee.

Wow.

Lark and Sparrow are going to try to break into it while some guards are going to question why you're here because you convince all the people in the office that you were tempted, that there were guards barring the closed garage door out of the building that wants to know why you're here.

One of them puts his hand up and says, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, this Humvee needs an oil change.

And Jiffy Lube is closing in like 20 minutes.

So we got to get it in.

We're the temps here to oil change it.

Got to get sent to the oil change.

Okay, roll deception with disadvantage.

Because we're carrying away two plus 11, 13.

Not good enough.

The guards draw their guns into their shoulder-mounted radios.

They say, Hey,

we have a code code six at the garage bay door, dock, truck, dock, bay.

Normal casts command.

You speak a one-word command to a creature.

You can see they have to make a wisdom-saving throw.

Okay.

So I just say, leave.

Roll A die.

They get a two.

So they are going to go, all right.

And very quickly, their backs straighten, and they find themselves opening the garage door and walking out just into the night.

But then over the radio, they're like, hey, it was kind of not chill.

So we're going to peace out.

But anyway, those guys are like there still.

No, their radios are going like, wait, what was that?

What, you said something important, but you cut yourself off.

Hey, what's what's going on?

Hey, we're setting back up.

We got to move.

Ling wants to run to the Humvee.

Blow them up.

I'll get on the technical.

Do any of you guys know how to pick locks?

Here, I cast Eldridge Blast into one of the doors.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Go ahead and reel damage for it.

11.

You blast the driver's side window inwards, and Lark goes, okay, good enough.

And reaches inside and unlocks the door from the inside.

Anthony, can you roll a D4 for me?

Sure.

Four.

Okay, so this Humvee has an M240 7.62 mounted machine gun which taylor hops on okay what would have happened if i rolled a one that would be the mark 19 mod 3 automatic grenade launcher okay that's fair

if there's ammo in there yeah roll roll roll

i love his competitive roll perception to see if there's ammo ding dong perception let me just take a look under 14 yeah there's ammo

taylor racks them and cracks them and it's like hit it let's get out of here lark and sparrow are going to start hot wiring the car car together.

They're not even talking.

They're just dexterously.

Their hands are moving almost as one unit, one being ripping the plastic off of the steering column and putting wires together and doing all kinds of cool stuff.

Behind you, the doors pop open and a group of guards with body armor and machine guns sort of come out and they aim their guns at you.

Well, Taylor, from his mounted position, like in Terminator 2, there's like, well, time to sweep him.

And he pulls the trigger and goes to the right.

Okay.

Go ahead and give me an attack roll.

Range attack roll for that.

Yay.

Let's say with disadvantage because it's so big in comparison to you that your entire body is like

mounted, though.

Oh, it is mounted.

You're right.

Can anybody just shoot that thing?

Yeah.

I mean, you know, like, you know.

You'll probably have to push Taylor out of the way because it sounds like he's married.

You got to go into training.

No, it's my turn.

I'm having this cutscene.

Natural one.

Natural one?

Natural one plus eight, nine.

The gun explodes in your hand,

doing 2d12 damage to you and knocking you prone in the flatbed of the Humvee.

I forgot to take the barrel plug out.

Yep, God.

I eat 13 damage.

That's probably not so bad, right?

How much did I have left?

I have 75 left.

Yeah, just be happy you're not in hell.

Yeah.

If anybody would like to do something to stop the guards, some of them are aiming at you with rifles, and a couple of them are heading towards another Humvee.

Scary's going to say, everybody cover your ears.

Oh, but I guess...

That means the bad guys can do it too.

Well, no, but you're telling it to everyone that's just whispering in the car.

Yeah, it's fine.

I cast thunderclap.

You create a burst of thunderous sound that can be heard up to 100 feet away.

Each creature within rage must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 thunder damage.

Wait, let's, what level am I?

14.

So they, that's actually 3d6.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm just going to say for expediency's sake that there are five soldiers.

Four of them failed their constitution saving throws.

So they take

eight damage and they are deafened temporarily and they sort of stop and shudder and put their hands to their heads in pain.

Do we have to do a saving throw or anything?

Because we're in the car?

I mean, like, I know we closed our, like, maybe like an advantage saving throw or something.

Yeah.

Since she told you to close your ears, go ahead.

It could be an advantage saving throw.

What should we worry about?

Constitution.

Now, here's the question.

19.

The gun just blew up in my hands.

I feel like I'm sitting there like three king style going like,

and I'm like,

and so I don't hear anything.

No, I think it could still hit you.

Okay.

Five plus three, eight.

Nope.

You take eight thunderclap damage.

Can Lincoln 11?

That means you do not take the damage.

How much damage is it?

Eight.

Ow!

Can Lincoln look for, I'm assuming in the back of this Humvie where he's lying with normal and Hermes' body, and I guess scary also.

Is there like any grenades or anything in the back here?

Armament roll investigation or perception to see if you can find something.

15.

15.

If you could get one of the things that you just described, what would you like to do?

I want like one of those boxes that have like those eight cartons, but instead of eggs, it's a bunch of grenades.

Okay, great.

Yeah, you find it.

Wait, is that heavy?

I mean, it's kind of heavy.

I mean, it's expensive.

Put it back.

Oh, my God.

Lincoln stares at normal Humvee.

Inspiration to William.

Normal didn't say that.

Normal is too insurance.

It doesn't matter.

William has inspiration and can give it to normal.

Is the back of the Humvee exposed?

Yes.

It's like a pickup truck kind of thing where there's an enclosed.

Generally, though, though, the pasture compartment is usually closed up.

Yeah, but the back has a back part.

Yeah, where Lincoln is.

Machine gun on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're going through a little hole in the top.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

So I guess you can say it's like a Jeep style.

Okay, yeah.

It's like a Jeep.

Lincoln's going to pull one of the grenades.

Okay, so you get six grenades.

You get a little.

No, no no no i want to pull the pin off of one of them and then throw the whole box

okay cool

television killer baby all right roll uh i also feel like i could justify just the time to pull one pin yeah that's fine that makes perfect sense you want me roll with a dexterity i'm trying to think of what would makes the most sense for hurling a thing it feels like i think athletics athletics makes strong yeah okay in which case i'm just gonna roll and i'll do it from there that was a 15.

a 15 okay great so you managed to hurl plus seven acrobatics so cool oh 14 14.

14.

oh well then we died yeah with a 14 you managed to throw the grenades pretty much in the dead center of the group they go off uh exploding outward and covering the entire interior of the garage and shrapnel and mess so you're gonna have to make a saving throw to duck and not get hit by the shrapnel because there is a lip of the flatbed of the humvey i think that you could conceivably duck under and everybody else is already either nox prone or inside the humvey itself i gotta attack you okay some of the shrapnel is gonna hit you as well you can go ahead and take 3d 12 of damage whoa it was a lot of grenades.

Yeah, yeah.

If I take that much damage, can I say that like one of the shrapnel does like a cool, like right over my eyebrow?

Yeah, sure.

You know, cool scar, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, another thing that occupied my teenage boy mind.

How can I get a cool scar?

I rolled straight threes.

I know it doesn't matter, but it just looks cool to roll three threes.

Okay, so you take nine damage.

That's not so bad.

And I got a cool scar.

And you got a cool scar.

Not yet.

Bleeding now.

The FBI agents take it.

It'll be a scar later.

Oh, God.

Each take 37 37 damage.

So they are in not a good space to continue following you.

The guy who's about to get into the truck gets blasted across the room and his back hits the interior wall of the garage.

And you hear a loud crack and he falls over.

Lincoln stares at yet more blood he has created and just slowly drops back down into the back of the Humphrey.

And dude puts a hand on your shoulder and says, It's okay.

Yeah, it's good to do.

Lark Sparrow, just hurry up.

Are you guys done yet?

They got the manual out.

They're like, okay, well, according to this.

So you hear the shock of two wires hitting hitting each other, and then suddenly the engine turns over.

Normal is not paying any attention to any of this, and he just scrambles into the front seat and starts rifling through the, is there like one of those little change drawers?

Yeah.

I'm looking for pennies.

Go ahead and roll investigation or perception to see how many pennies you can find.

God damn it, it's a natural one.

What the fuck?

They don't make pennies anymore.

You find a negative penny.

I need to penny.

I need negative pennies.

I need pennies.

Does anyone have two pennies?

I need two pennies.

Why?

They haven't made pennies.

They haven't made pennies in years.

Shit.

Fuck.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Um, is there any like copper?

Does anyone have just coins?

I could just something.

I need it.

Just please.

Copper in the wires.

Luke's hopper is going to be in the uh, probably in the tips of the bullets.

So the gun may have jammed, but the ammunition probably hasn't jammed.

Um, what about here?

And uh, Sierra wipes, like, a tissue or something on Link's head.

Like, what about like blood, like copper?

Great, great, great, great, great, great.

And then, so I grab the tissue.

Oh, I thought you meant you sneeze into a tissue wet on Link's head.

It's like, why is it?

I never do that.

Linking right now.

Do you know what?

And I also wipe some sweat off of Lark's head, and then I take my components back to Hermes' body.

I rip the tissue in half and place it over his eyes, and then I dab his forehead with the sweat, and I cast gentle repose.

What does that do?

So you touch a corpse or other remains for the duration, the target is protected from decay and can't become undead.

The spell also effectively extends the time limit on raising the target from the dead, since days spent under the influence of this spell don't count against the time limit of the spell, such as raise dead.

The components that it calls for are a pinch of salt and one copper piece placed on each of the corpse's eyes, which must remain there for the duration.

And how soon do you have to do it?

Just whenever you can.

Whenever you want to pause, it's unspecific.

Give me a D20 roll with disadvantage because it's not actually two copper pennies.

Please work.

Please work, please work, please work.

All right, I got...

Ooh, this is not good.

I got two tens.

That's not going to do it.

Fuck.

Fuck off.

Just hurry.

Just hurry.

Just hurry.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Lark puts his pedals to the metal, and the car lurches forward, smashes through the barricade that's blocking the exit to the garage, and you are now heading away from the FBI.

When you look behind you, it doesn't look like anybody's following you because they're still dealing with the aftermath of the grenades that you threw.

Now you basically can choose where you would like to go.

The last thing that you remember regarding Henry, at least.

Great Harrison Ford movie.

Regarding Henry.

Holy shit.

If I could give you double advantage, I would.

Damn.

Is that he is somewhere in San Dimas.

You don't know where he is, but it's possible Lark and Sparrow do.

Or you can go to anybody else's home if you want to.

I mean, normally, you need copper.

You say that.

No, it's too late for that.

My grandpa, he can probably remember.

He's really, he's magic.

He knows what he's doing.

Let me just, let's just take him there, okay?

And I stick my head back into the front seat.

I'm like, we got to go find Grandpa Henry, okay?

Yeah, no problem.

That's good.

He can fix this, right?

Sparrow says, sure, he can.

And Lark says, just get your head down in case they start shooting.

I get my head down.

Lark looks over at Sparrow and it's just like,

and Sparrow looks at Lark and he's like, I'm going to do a sense motive to see if I can or an insight, I guess.

Yeah, we see sense motive.

That's like 3.5.

That was all a lot of systems ago.

I got another natural one.

Wow.

What?

It's okay, guys.

It's okay.

It's okay.

He's fine.

It's okay.

My Grandpa Henry, he's going to fix him.

It's going to be fine.

Hey, do you guys know where this Grandpa Henry is?

Mark says, yeah, I've got a pretty good idea.

Hold on.

And he

like turns the car hard 90 degrees and starts heading back towards San Dimas.

And what's this world look like now?

It's been a bit since we've gone back home.

It's been a bit.

Is it daytime or nighttime out?

It is nighttime out right now.

So you can see.

It's dark.

It's dark, first of all, but you can see fires burning all around the city.

It looks like there's been a lot of chaos since you've last been around.

The doodlerized people have still been running wild.

Willie's been basically on a post since you've been here, so you see a lot of campaign posters for like vote Willie.

So important to vote in local elections,

yeah, vote Willie, he's the he's our man, which doesn't even make sense because he's not running for office.

Um,

he was a write-in.

That's what the posters say, they're very confusing, just like Willie.

Willie's cool, right?

Say the posters.

You see a lot of corpses, you see a lot of doodlerized people wandering the streets, kind of like zombies.

And eventually, the chaos of the city gives way to the peaceful quiet of nature as you drive towards the forest outside Sam Dimas.

And you reach a tree that looks like any other tree, nothing seemingly special about it.

But Lark says, he's here.

Are you guys ready to see him?

Yeah.

Do you want to do anything first?

Real quick, I'm going to cast non-detection on dude so that nobody can see that dude is.

Good idea.

There.

What does non-detection do?

You hide a target that you touch from divination magic.

Oh, cool.

Should we see if there's any good Indian bakeries around?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

He's on it today, Jen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The target can't be targeted by any divination magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors.

So that's cool.

So Willie cannot see him, though.

He is aware at least.

A lot of people are aware, seemingly, that you have one place left to go, presuming they can track the places you've been to before.

Normal is holding Hermes hand.

He's like, okay, Hermie, I'm going to take you in now.

Okay.

We're going to just hang on.

Okay.

Help me out.

Help me with it.

Hermes' rigamortist body is growing lighter and lighter in your arms by the second.

His limbs move stiffly as you attempt to walk him towards the tree that Larkin Sparrow pointed out.

And the only thing keeping you together is the absolute ignorance you have of the fact that maybe the only person who ever showed you any real affection in the last couple of years of your life is dead.

And the fact that you don't know that is all that keeps you going.

But the only thing that keeps me going is a lot of the products and services offered by

some of my wonderful sponsors,

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Okay.

So, Mark and Sparrow.

Speechless.

I forgot about it.

Mark and Sparrow knock on the tree in a very specific way

for us.

I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

They did it with their dicks.

Yeah, they have to push their mushrooms.

They go, twin powers, and they touch tips, and then they knock on a door like that.

A knot in the tree begins to become an opening, and the opening gets larger and larger, stretching the size of the tree outwards and outwards and outwards until it becomes a pathway that you can step through.

And you can sense that on the other side of this is another area, is another plane of existence.

One that you you are familiar with, but it is not this plane.

It's not Sandimas, the place you grew up.

A portal.

It is probably going to take you back to the old earth where the doodler recently ran everything.

Such an opportunity to have that tree opened up and there's a red book inside with a single page outside of it.

And when you put it in, it goes, it is wrong.

Akina.

What?

I don't give a fuck.

It's a misreference.

Just for me and Frank.

Just for real mis Tads.

The channel work, dog.

My brain is still spinning from them Tusken tamps on the tree.

Yeah.

Uncle Arc, Dad?

Where are we?

We're going to where Grandpa Henry set up shop.

We had an argument and he decided to leave and this is where he went.

Okay.

Should we, like, I don't know, not suggesting anything, but should we, like, bring some weapons or something?

I just figured it out.

I gotta, like, let's, I mean, but we're fine.

We're fine.

It's my uncle Henry.

And we can trust my, we can trust my grandpa.

Let's go.

Yeah, let's just get in before the door closes.

I don't want to see that happen again when they open.

Someone have a wrench.

I'm trying to unscrew this mounted M249.

No time to get it smothering.

It's broken.

It's irrevocally broken with your natural one.

I'll find.

Just real quick, so I understand in terms of context.

How old were the kids when Code Purple happened?

Was it before they were born, or was it?

It was after they were born.

Okay.

Normal.

We don't remember Code Purple because we don't remember the sky before the sky, right?

Right.

Because they did a thing when Code Purple happened that took everybody's memories of Code Purple happening at all.

Okay.

That's right.

Okay.

For yeah, the timeline was so screwy for me.

In theory, we would have grown up before Code Purple, at least a little bit, but we forgot that.

But you forgot everything.

Got it.

Okay.

Normal walks into the tree portal with Hermie.

You find yourself falling upward to a familiar plane, the plane where...

Somebody say something?

I said jumping.

That's what jumping is.

Falling up.

Damn.

Man, it really makes you think.

And you wind up where the sidewalk ends.

Thank you.

So you find yourself falling upward, and when you land headfirst, yeah, you take 56 damage.

No, no, no.

Taylor, of course, expertly twists mid-air and lands on his feet.

Yeah, in blade Pose, I'm assuming.

So you land back in the realm known as Old Earth, the realm that your parents, but not you, grew up in before the doodler went all fuzzy and everything went coat purpley and you transposed yourselves onto Faerune.

So you grew up in Faeroon.

This is Earth.

You're back on Earth.

This is like where Papa John's was and everything.

This is where Papa Johns was.

This is where the Doodler sky butt was before you made the Doodler go into the form of the game.

But we've got the sun with us now.

So we could probably figure out how to put that back.

You do have the sun with us.

You look around and you see worn down people of every species, shape, and size, all taking shelter from the cold under identical leaves of identical trees.

A man with a white beard down to his ankle sits in the town square, muttering to himself, playing with a bracelet on his wrist.

Yo, it feels like we just walked into an adventure game, dog.

Is your grandpa Santa?

No, I don't.

That's not my grandpa.

No, I don't.

And Santa Claus isn't real, Nick.

I mean, Link.

Whoa, hold on.

Okay.

What?

I'm going to look around to see if I can see Henry because I've never been here before, right?

Sure.

Yeah.

All right.

I got a four.

So with a four, you don't see Henry, but the man with the white beard sees you.

And he goes, Oh,

oh, things are about to get spicy.

Oh, Henry, Henry.

Who the fuck is that?

Who's that?

And as he says that, a figure appears from a hut that is one of many huts within this copse of trees.

What does Henry look like at this point in his life?

Henry looks surprisingly young.

Okay.

Due to a healthy vegan lifestyle

and due to lots of butthole sunning and due to a

no exposure to UV radiation for the last however many years, right?

But he's got his own ways of dealing with that.

Well, he just goes back to Earth to sun his butthole.

Just a butthole.

So his butthole is aged.

But the rest of it.

I was really hoping we weren't going to get into a whole bunch of butthole discourse this episode.

Henry.

You can sign it up.

Two Birkenstocked feet emerge from the hut, followed by exposed pasty white legs and a pair of hiking shorts and a belt buckle with a peace symbol on it and and just an old ratty t-shirt.

But this guy looks good because he's been doing all of his healthy vegan lifestyle and he also has an elf ability, which allows him to age slower than everybody else.

So he's looking like

a Tom Cruise 60, I'd say.

Wow.

Okay.

That's not bad.

And he emerges and he says, So he looks 60.

He emerges from the hut and he says, What do you want, Dad?

He goes, Your kids are here.

Your kids are here.

What?

And your kids' kids are here.

Somebody's got to talk to the kids and the kids' kids.

And Lark and Sparrow wave at you and they say, hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Come in.

So they walk towards your hut.

We want us to sit down.

Can we sit down?

Yeah,

what are you doing here?

What's it look like inside, real play?

Inside the hut, I'm assuming just a lot of like sex furniture.

When you look at it, you're like,

I don't know what I'm looking at.

It's a

standard fantasy hut with a juicer in it.

You know what I mean?

He's got like...

That's what they call it.

Yeah.

This is the juicer, and this is the juicer.

This is where I make the juice.

This is the juicer.

This is the juicer.

And he's got a Vitamix.

There's a jar with Mercedes-R.

Garcia's ashes in it next to a photo of her.

And he's got a couple books.

And he just lives a simple, humble life in this place.

Peloton, yes or no?

No Peloton, no.

Henry's favorite method of bicycling is just kicking his legs out in the air.

Just when he's sunning his butt.

What about the Apple Vision Pro?

Just gathering in the corner.

So he's like, come here.

Actually, can we, let's sure okay yeah so lark and sparrow usher all the kids inside as well henry sees normal and normal sees henry he looks up to his grandpa and he's like grandpa henry i i know it's been a while but you gotta help my friend henry like looks to lark and sparrow being like what the is this like what is happening right now and lark and the sparrow look at you and they say a friend of ours Something happened to him and we were wondering if you could bring him back.

Oh, okay.

okay, hey, normal, hey, buddy, how's it going?

I haven't seen you in so long.

Yeah, I know, I'm okay, I'm okay.

We can catch up later, Grandpa.

I just, I miss you a lot, but um, my friend Hermie, he's really hurt, okay, and you gotta help him.

Okay, kid, let me, um, let me see what I can do.

Can you go wait outside?

No, man, just do it.

Yeah, we need copper or something.

I don't know, just like do your magic.

Okay, let me.

Yeah, they've got pennies in this world, right?

Oh, you guys were you guys trying to, well, or Moscow mules, Moscow.

What?

No, this is a straight-edge community, young man.

Oh, um, yeah, Henry has X's on his hands.

Okay, slow down.

Why don't you guys start by telling me what happened?

He got shot.

Henry's going to do like an Arcana on Hermie.

Okay.

He's just trying to like understand what Hermie is.

So I know Hermie's got like kind of an unusual backstory vis-a-vis his creation.

Yes.

Arcana is great.

All right, I got three.

So with a three, you can tell that this kid is...

Not a normal kid and the rules of bringing him back do not apply.

If your arcana role had been better, there might be a way to salvage what remains of his life.

But as it stands, he is a creature made of goof matter.

You're just looking at a corpse that nothing can be done for.

Normal, I'm so sorry, kiddo.

There's nothing I can do for this kid.

I can't help your friend.

Normal just closes eyes.

No, I don't accept that.

I don't accept that.

You can fix him.

You're this, you're, you're, you're old.

You can fix him.

Normal.

I think he's gone, man.

I'm so sorry.

This is this is bullshit.

I'm sorry, guys.

I just, I am really mad right now, okay?

I just, I can't.

No, yeah.

Sparrow says, it's okay to be mad.

I don't fucking care what you think, dad.

I really don't.

I genuinely don't.

We can, I, it's just, no.

So Mark puts a hand on Sparrow's chest to be like, maybe step back from this.

Look, if you guys can't help me, if you guys can't fix this, then I'll freaking do it myself, okay?

And Normal just grabs Hermie and starts dragging him out of the hut.

Wow.

Scary steps in his way.

Oh, Sailor.

Scary, get out of the way.

Either help me or get out of the way.

I'm not going to leave, man.

Okay.

All right.

Fine.

Do your worst.

Do whatever you want.

Okay.

Okay.

I will.

I'm going to do something.

It's pretty stupid, but I'm going to do it.

Go ahead.

If none of you guys can help him, if none of you guys understand how this works, then we got to go to the one guy who can.

And I cast plane shift.

Link is still holding on to the legs.

Okay.

You and eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence.

You can specify a target destination in general terms, and you appear in or near that area.

And then the GM has discretion as to where specifically.

So Normal wants to bring Hermie to scam likely.

Okay.

In the goof realm.

So who's going to join hands to be a part of this?

Well, I'm holding on to i'm just still helping i'm just holding on to the legs okay hermie was there for us every single step of the way and he backed our play and even when we forgot about him he was there and so we owe him what we owe him everything right now we owe it to try to help him and if you guys don't want to come you don't have to but i'm going i'm with you dude i'm holding his yeah we'll do what we need to do so where are you going to uh taylor and scary but what are you doing we're taking him to scam likely

I just, I just don't think this is going to work, man.

Okay, fine.

I cast the spell.

The planes shift around you, and you find yourself.

You've done a lot of plane traveling before, but this is the one that nauseates you the most.

Nothing is more offensive to the body than plane shifting through a spell.

It's like you're feeling your insides get turned outside and then back inside again.

You're hot and cold at the same time.

You're getting nauseous in ways that you didn't think you'd get nauseous before.

And when you come to, you find yourself in the Simpsons living room.

And you hear a voice say,

I'm here when it's sad.

I'm here when it's fun.

Did somebody do something to my son?

holy shit and scam shows up and he sees can't hate this guy what happened to hermie he goes what happened what he got he he got killed he got shot we need you to help him like

oh

and he's gonna roll for something

okay so he tries to hide the fact that he is actually emotionally affected by this, but he only got a six.

So you can see that he is genuinely upset the fact that something happened to this child.

He goes, I didn't, I didn't even think of him as something that could die.

I thought he was, he's just a goof.

Goose never die.

Well, it's like, you know, all jokes are always funny forever.

Mr.

Likely, look, you're our only hope.

He's my best friend in the whole world.

You got to help him.

He's your son.

There's got to be something you can do.

You created him, right?

I did.

I did.

But I don't know if I can bring him back from the undiscovered country, as it, as it were.

But

where is he?

Is he in hell?

Is he in heaven?

I don't know.

He doesn't have a soul.

He's not like you or me.

Well, not like you, but I can try something.

Okay?

Okay, please, just please hurry.

I'll do my best.

And I'm sorry in advance for this.

You forgive me for whatever is about to happen.

I'm going to try.

I'm truly going to try.

Look at Link.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, if you, yes, if it'll help, whatever you're going to try to do,

I'm truly going to try.

I'm truly trying.

Well,

that's not funny.

It didn't work.

What was that?

That was me farting.

I tried to fart so hard that he would come back to life because it would be funny.

But I just farted.

And my son is...

My son's gone.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't think it would happen like this.

I didn't think that he would actually develop a personality.

He was just supposed to be a goof machine.

No one was supposed to be sad if something happened to him.

Least of all me.

Right now.

I can't.

I don't know what else to do.

You made him.

So, like, you have to fix him.

That's why you you created him.

That's yours dad.

So like that's your job.

I can make you another one.

No, I don't want another one.

I want this one.

I punch him in the face.

He takes it like a champ.

Your fist impacts into his face and it's like you hit punched a marshmallow.

His face just like deforms a little bit but then slowly starts going back to the form it was in.

And he goes, that's fair.

I deserve that.

Oh my God.

I just, there's nothing I could do.

I'm so sorry.

It's like you can't put a glass back together after it's broken, not the same way.

I can bring it back.

You could be like fucked up and stuff.

I don't think you would enjoy that.

No, just,

you've done enough.

Yo, he wanted to kill you.

I know.

Well, do you have anything to say about that?

I think he deserved to get his wish, frankly.

Oh my God,

I don't think I can deal with another adult who thinks they deserve to die.

Let's get out of here.

Should we stay here with him, though?

Like, should Hermie stay here?

No.

I know.

Hermie hated this guy.

Yeah.

I could give him a proper burial.

You don't fucking come near him.

Fair enough.

Thanks for nothing, asshole.

Let's go home, Link.

Once again, you feel your insides become your outsides become your insides, and you lurch back into Henry's hut with the corpse still with you.

How much time has passed?

Just the same amount of time there?

I would say it's been about 20 minutes for you.

In the past.

So we come back 20 minutes earlier.

Yeah.

And you have to hide.

Timey.

Why me?

So I assume in the 20-minute interim, like...

Larkin, what's been going on for?

Lark and Sparrow explained everything that happened off screen to Henry.

So Henry is now abreast of what is going on.

Henry knows that you're looking for daddy magic to send dude back to their own dimension.

Dude has introduced themselves to Henry.

How do you think Henry reacted to knowing that dude is now in the form of this?

Just to play that moment out, when Henry realizes what dude is, Henry goes just even paler than his pasty white skin normally is.

Like he's like, you, that's, that's the, that's the doodler and you're, you're here?

Yeah, sometimes she's kind of a bad girl.

I mean, you're kind of a bad girl.

What do you mean a bad girl?

Sometimes a bad girl.

I'm a bad girl.

I just think these are

sometimes people fuck with my friends and I fuck with them back.

Henry is going to do an insight check on the doodler.

I got another bad roll because that's all that I can get today.

So I got an eight.

So with an eight, you cannot tell what the doodler's true intentions are.

Okay, well, um, it's, it's, it's very, I'm glad you're not a big scary ball in the sky now, young person.

Uh, why don't we sit down here and uh, you know, maybe some, we'll just, let's just, okay, let me see if, would you like some tea?

And Henry, whose hands are trembling, goes to pour tea for the doodler.

The dude goes, you feel like home for some reason.

Oh, wow,

what a nice thing to say.

Oh, let's get you some chamomile.

How about that?

Okay.

I'm going to roll insight on Henry.

Okay.

That's a six.

No idea.

No idea what he's putting out there.

But we do see is like his hands shaking and stuff, right?

Yeah.

You hear the saucer clinking against the cup.

Scary.

This guy seems pretty scared of dude.

Yeah, I don't think we should drink anything that's in

tune.

Yeah, he's been steeping that shakily for the last 20 minutes.

Yeah.

It's It's gonna be bitter as hell.

So Normal and Link come back with Hermie's body.

What happened?

There's nothing we can do.

Yeah.

He's gone.

Yeah.

Norman, there's something.

He said something to you, but you couldn't hear it.

Okay.

He said he really liked you.

You know, like you liked him.

So.

Okay.

Oh, that's a little late for that, I guess.

But he wanted you to know that.

Okay, okay.

Well, I know.

I now know.

Um,

all right, so

I need a second, guys.

What do we do now?

What, what do we do?

Do we need to?

How do you bury someone?

I don't know how you do that.

I've never had to deal with that before.

Um, do we, should we call a funeral home?

Do we, what do we do?

I can't look at him, so just somebody tell me, somebody else figure it out, okay?

Okay, we're gonna just, I'm just gonna put a blanket over him like this.

Um, and then I'm just gonna walk the body out if he if Norma will let it go.

Yeah

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Henry and Larkin Sparrow probably have the ability to do like ground earth entanglement magic to like give him a sort of magical burial without if you don't want to you know have a whole scene of digging the grave and stuff.

I think we should I

think we should, I don't want him to just disappear.

I think we should bury him someplace nice.

I think that would be, that would be best.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we'll do.

You look around and

this world has not been in a very good spot for a very long time.

So places that are nice are going to be kind of hard to come by.

But in this grove, everything looks, you know, pretty much identically beautiful.

All the trees look exactly the same.

You could pick one.

Well, fuck, we can make it look nice.

I mean, like, we could, we could get a nice.

Think of that one.

Okay.

Normal points to a tree.

It's like the one kind of fucked up tree.

It's been struck by lightning, so like half of it is burned.

Like two faces.

Yeah, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

You know, it's kind of dark, but, you know, he was kind of like that.

So

I think this is as good a spot as any.

We can't keep hearing him around.

We got stuff to do.

Yeah.

Henry.

just watching his grandson just fucking go through it puts a hand on his shoulder and he says um i'm really proud of you, Kiddo.

Thanks.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Thanks.

I needed to hear that.

You did everything you could.

And that's, you know, that's all we can do.

Here,

why don't you sit down and rest?

We'll get everything ready and then you can say some words.

And this is one of the hardest things you can go through.

I remember when your grandma died, and that was, you know,

it tore me in two.

And we're never ready for it.

You know, we're never ready when it happens to someone we love, whether it's sudden or whether it's a long time coming.

Just,

I'm so sorry, kiddo.

Henry gives him a big hug and kisses him on the forehead.

I feel like, as far as arrangements go, you know, Henry uses mold earth to like dig the earth pretty quickly.

He gathers some flowers from the woods.

If any of the kids want to find, like, you know, he points out some super dark orchids growing to Scary, you know, just clocking her goth vibe that that might be something that she would want.

Yeah, whatever you point out or whatever you say, Link just kind of quietly just does whatever you're saying for him to do.

Lark and Sparrow do it as well, not having been asked, but just wanting to add more flowers to the pile.

As they're getting everything ready, it's still pitch dark and Henry's gathered a couple of candles, but it's pretty tough to see.

And Normal, who's been absent the last couple hours, comes up to him and says, Grandpa Henry,

I don't know if you could help with this, but kids our age, we never saw the sun, you know, and he never got to see it either, but we have it.

weirdly enough and i wonder if maybe we could do this like kind of you know there hasn't been a sunrise here in a really long time but maybe we could let the sunrise and um you know I just thought that might be nice it's you know these these candles look like they were for sex stuff honestly so I don't know that that's very appropriate and Henry's like oh these are the sex candles so I put these away and kidding I think that's a great idea yeah um

boy you guys had that's right yeah well we haven't had that around here for a while Let me uh just let everybody know that that's gonna happen so that they don't freak out and lose their minds.

Excuse me, everyone.

You see like a whole bunch of people who have been living in this village kind of emerge, and it's a bunch of wayward refugees from this disrupted plane.

And Henry's like, You guys are never going to believe this, but these kids have an old friend of ours that we'd like to reintroduce.

Just you might want to cover your eyes.

You might not want to look directly.

We got the sun back, everybody.

I don't know what the crap was up here.

No!

One guy runs screaming off into the body.

How did our candles or come back?

I know that this is bad for your candle business, but you know, it's just everyone's got to be able to enjoy it.

Like, you know what?

In a lot of ways, this is my favorite TV show.

I know we don't have TV here, but you know how that good feeling you get when your favorite TV show comes back and like the studio brought it back after 20 years and it's just as good as it always was?

This is just like that.

You all know that.

Who's the idiot now?

This old lady comes out.

You all thought I was bad.

And she opens up her sunglasses, hide.

You're you're all sick

what a dumb thing to invest in but look who's laughing now 200 a pair oh my god oh yeah the shade witch that's right i forgot that this is you've been planning this i'm really happy that you're having a big moment here but hey you know my my grandson's going through a lot right now so maybe pain free

Maybe we could just like, you know, not sell stuff at the funeral.

Do you think maybe just like just this once, we could let everyone try them on and then choose to buy them.

I'm here as the market market to manager.

Don't get mad at me if people want these sunglasses.

All right, look, how much for the whole lot?

And Henry pulls out like a hefty bag of gold.

I just get to watch Dungeons and Dead.

Well, well, well, let me feel the weight of those silver over there.

She thinks so or goes, wait, she's like,

you and I have such a complicated history together.

Is Shade Witch blind?

No, she wants to feel the weight.

Now, these corners are legit, right?

Sure are.

Well, then, the store is yours.

And she hops off to a unicorn and then she rides her before shade witch rides away.

And she turns around and she goes, but this one's for me.

And she puts cool sunglasses on

and rides away.

And then Rax.

I need your boots, your sunglasses, and your unicorn.

And then Wrexham the welder is like, but shade witch, what will I use to weld me goggles with?

I ain't the shade witch no more.

I just sold my.

Shade witch.

She goes back to Galloway.

Stop interrupting me.

I'm trying to get out of town.

She rides away.

Henry passes out sunglasses to everybody.

How do I put the sun back in the sky?

You just hurl it up really hard.

Okay.

Who wants to do the honors?

Henry says, holding the sun in his hand.

What?

You got a weak arm or something?

I do.

I'm not like throwing stuff.

You know, I'm all about bringing things closer, not pushing them away.

Norm, do you want to do it?

How about, like, can we all hold it and throw it up in the air together?

Like one of those parachutes.

Yeah, like the parachute game.

Sure.

Yeah.

okay, sure.

All right, so normal holds the sun out.

It's okay, guys.

Just this once.

Yeah.

Just this once.

Whatever you want.

Chaparol on three.

Okay.

One, two,

three.

Two rules.

I can't do it.

That's when the sun soars up and up and up and up and up into the sky, bringing with it the quickest sunrise you've ever seen.

And it finally stops in the dead center and it becomes high noon.

And for the first time, a lot of these people in the wayward refugee camp that Henry has set up get to clamp eyes on sunlight, and their joy is incalculable.

They start weeping tears of joy.

Some of them are running around, just holding their hands out to get as much of the sun on their body as possible.

Some of them are summing their buttholes because they saw that's what Henry does.

But they seem to be overjoyed with the situation.

Way off in the distance, you hear the shade witch go, Wow.

I hope we hear a lot more from the shade witch as this series goes on.

Shade witch.

Her sunglasses hot.

She's also really good at like insulting people by passive aggressively.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, what a, what a, she was not contributing to that community.

With the sun blazing down, normal goes to the sort of fresh mound of earth where Hermie is buried.

And he kneels and he says, I liked you too.

He puts his hand on the dirt and says, good night, sweet prince.

You You guys want to say something nice to Hermie?

Um, sure.

I bet you all got something.

I don't have to listen.

I just, you know, I think he would probably, wherever he is, you know, he could probably hear it.

So if you guys want to say something nice, Alice, one of his best friends, I think it's only right that I say a few words.

Hermie, you definitely were one of us.

Sorry, you got shot.

Sorry for all the times we forgot you were around.

Hermie, I know you think that I didn't notice you, but I did notice you.

Thanks for

everything.

Okay.

You did, no, you did a really good job, Normal.

Sure.

You would have been happy.

So nothing, Link, huh?

Nothing?

Well, I just said Normal did a good job.

Okay, all right.

Link is eyes cold, dog.

Dark Taylor.

As you turn away from Grave, you can see Larkin Sparrow talking to Henry, gesturing, and one of them is holding up the jar.

They basically explain to Henry, like, this is the last thing we need, and then we can send the dude their home, and then this can all be over.

But, you know, it's going to need all the oak boys boys together to do it.

Henry says, okay, that's a lot.

And, you know, you guys did it.

Everything is different now.

Or rather, I should say Normal did it.

And his friends, I know it was really hard and really big of you guys to have to come here.

It couldn't have been easy.

So I respect you for that.

And he

puts out his hand to shake their hands.

Lark shakes your hand.

Sparrow goes in for a hug.

Henry like kind of lets him hug him for a second.

And then sort of gives him like a light hug back.

Okay, let's do this.

He should know.

He should know what happened.

So the man with the white beard cackles.

He goes, I can help with that.

Dad.

You want to understand each other?

You want to learn from the past?

I can help.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

So what you're going to do is you're going to go and act cool purple.

You're going to go see the decisions that you can't take back.

Ready?

Here we go.

And he spreads.

The man with the white beard palms the warm dirt in front of him and a dull purple glow emanates from his fingers spreading across the ground towards you.

As the purple touches your feet, you feel a tingling sensation and then you're falling, falling down, down, down into a black pit, and then suddenly up, up, up towards a white light, your stomach churning from the sudden inversion.

When your eyes adjust, everybody, you, Lark, Sparrow, Henry, Link, all the kids, find yourselves in what looks to be a firing range.

At that moment, you see the same man twice.

They look like younger versions of Lark and Sparrow, their eyes not nearly as sunken and their posture just a little bit straighter.

Sparrow is teaching Hiro how to shoot while Lark teaches a six-year-old Normal.

Hiro is hitting every shot.

Normal is not.

Past Lark says, why don't you take a break, Norm?

Why don't you get something from the snack machines?

Okay.

And as Normal walks off, he hears.

Normal just still has the gun in his hand he's with his finger on the trigger

all right trigger discipline i remember and then he presses a button and drops the clip out and there's one there's still one in the spout

and then they fire the button under the ground

sorry sorry sorry sorry is this like a is this like a shooting range yes it's a shooting range and the guys behind the counters like hey what the fuck guys yeah the 20th time so you look around each other and you see that you can see each other but you get the sense that you are invisible you can touch and manipulate the environment but you are invisible and the other people around you in this past memory cannot see you.

Normal heads off his zone towards the snack room, and you can see that we're.

So, Normal's going to clock snacks.

I got a 12.

Finally, a mid-roll.

Any good snacks?

What are you doing?

Almond joys, some paydays.

Some mid-year.

Yeah, I can't have any of those.

Those are processed.

Are there any carrots?

I go up to the guy, I assume, the counter of this gun store that this fire.

Well, as you walk through the hallway, you see that you're actually in Daddy's HQ

back before everything was different.

Well, then in that case, I go straight to the Oak family's vegan-friendly snack vending machine, which I assume is

dispenser.

And I just vomit

a hummus-like soft sir.

And as you are getting ready to get a seweed cone, and you just as you're ready to suck that hummus down, just straight, straight up, no, no frills, hummus, young Normal hears a voice whispering, help me.

Help me, Normal.

Who's there?

Only you can save me, Normal.

And Normal's feet carry him to one of the closed doors in the dungeon, the enormous dungeon that you've seen before.

Previously, when you saw it, it was in the ground.

It was like an inverted pyramid.

It's not inverted right now.

Now it's just a straight-up pyramid, and you look up and you can see cells upon cells upon cells upon cells of people and things and objects that were too dangerous to keep in normal society.

Normal's feet sort of carry him towards one door that is closed.

The other doors that normal walks by are closed by copper, silver, and gold padlocks, but this one seems unprotected.

If you want to, if you're following a normal, you can roll Arcana.

Does normal remember any of this?

No, no, because this is before Code Purple happened.

Dude, normal, what the fuck?

Stop yourself.

I, what?

Hey, I'm invisible.

I can't.

Dad, what's up?

Like, what is this?

What am I?

What's happening?

Lark and Sparrow say, you don't need to watch this part.

You're just gonna, you know what?

Let's go.

When they don't say that, that's normally the part you want to watch.

Go away.

And I follow my six-year-old self up the stairs.

Uh, roll Arcana when you get near the door.

Hold on, you weren't near the door yet, huh?

You weren't near the door yet.

You found a new loophole.

oh yes you were just checking the arcana that stare okay so you have no idea what is going on with his door so you cannot stop yourself so that works for me damn

just ignores it's the past so you just it's the past a voice from inside this dark chamber just whispers again normal you're the only one that could help me please please you're so special you're the only one you're the chosen one who could help me out and little normal feels his hand moving towards the door And he touches the door and it opens just a crack.

And then an ocean of flesh surges past Normal, cackling with glee.

Thank you, it says in a thousand voices as one.

You saved us, Normal!

This seemingly never-ending mound of flesh slithers up the wall and squeezes itself, squelching and bubbling into a ventilation shaft.

At that moment, a claxon blares from wall-mounted speakers.

You hear a dull boom, and suddenly the dull fluorescent lights of the ceiling bulbs switch off, replaced with flashing red alarms of the emergency generator kicking on.

Breach!

Shouts a voice from a loudspeaker.

The flesh horde has broken containment.

Jesus.

At that moment, Lark, Sparrow, and Hero from the past come screaming around the corner to see Normal confused with a lot of of hummus in his hands, standing in front of the barely opened cell door.

I'm sorry.

Sparrow whispers, what did you do?

And Lark pushes Sparrow aside and he says, What did you do?

I opened the door.

There was a voice.

He said that it was.

She said that she needed help.

I thought someone was hurt.

Oh my god.

Normal, what did you do?

All our days whisked away.

But is there something more to say?

You know that no one knows us better than ourselves.

Used to tell myself it'll be alright.

Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.

I know that no one knows me better than myself.

And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out

alive.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, brave where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

Not today, no, not today.

I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow.

I'll be on my way.

I'll be on my way.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson.

Anthony Birch is our DM.

Will Campos as Normal Oak.

Beth May is Gary, Marlowe and myself.

Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller.

Brian Fernandez is our content producer.

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Our Patreon is the number one place on the entire internet to get the latest and greatest bits of Dungeons and Daddies content.

We just released a monthly bonus of indeterminate content where Glenn Close runs the season one dads and payton through his half-remembered weed-baked recollection of Tomb of Horrors, the classic dnd module and why talk about it when we can listen to it here let me listen check it out choose left center or right left left give me a strength roll on this that's a 16.

oh with one mighty swoop you clang this stick against the wall and the debris falls away there's like a door there dude

you're welcome perhaps this is the entrance to Ace's tomb.

It could be a trap, guys, because again, this module created by Gary Gygax is full of dark and disturbing secrets and ruses and gambits and deceptions within deceptions.

So I think we should make sure.

I pull out and I have this written down, a second 10-foot bull.

Really?

That right there is available at the EXL supporter level and higher.

But you can support the podcast directly and get ad-free episodes and tons and tons of bonus content.

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See if you like it enough to do something about it.

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We still have a build of the tour merch available.

So please peruse to your heart's content at store.dungeonsandags.com.

And finally, if you're in the LA area, Matt and I are doing a little free screening at the South Pasadena Community Center on Monday, December 11th of the movie we shot.

It's called We're All Gonna Die.

It's like a lighthearted apocalypse road trip romantic comedy.

And we're doing it at the South Pasadena Community Room in the South Pasadena Library Monday, December 11th, 7 p.m.

It's free.

We're trying out some stuff out as we scheme to release this indie film we shot during the pandemic.

Stars Ashley Birch and Jordan Rodriguez.

Come on out.

Free screening.

Patreon.com slash dungeonsandads to see what we have on our Patreon, our social media links, and more at our website, dungeonsandads.com.

Merch is at store at dungeonsandadies.com.

And another episode, the last one of the year, coming at you December 18th.

You're going to see you then.

Six-year-old Normal quietly closes the door,

locks it,

and then just quietly walks back downstairs eating his hummus and carrots.