S3 Ep. 34 - The Two BB Problem

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Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups.

Content warnings can be found in the description.

Welcome to Pod Save Suzel.

I'm John Papra.

I'm John Lovett.

I'm Dan Pfeiffer.

I'm WPTOR.

Hey, we've got all four bros on the pod today.

It's a real lassie Lone Ranger crossover.

I was gonna say Lucy meets Superman, but you do you.

Does that make me Superman in this metaphor?

Dan, I always got more of a Mrs.

McGillicuddy vibe from you.

Wow.

Don't know whether to be flattered or insulted by that.

Lots to talk about today.

The anti-Zoozel resistance just can't stop taking L's.

We'll talk about the capture of the Guttural Screams, reactions to Monday's execution of Scrippy.

Hey, remember that guy?

He's the Mrs.

McGillicuddy of the Guttural Screams, right?

Wait, does that make me the Scrippy of this pod?

Ouch.

Tough blow, Dan.

We'll also talk about Speaker Kelsey's erratic behavior at the execution ceremony.

Then we'll discuss how Dems should respond to a new Time Sienna poll that shows the party 10 points underwater with Gen Z, which is, of course, the nickname for the first generation of voters born under the reign of Lord Zudzel.

Yeah, it's not great, John, but first.

Today's presenting sponsor is Zip Recruiter.

Zip Recruiter is the number one heretic hunting service that Zuzalites use to turn dissidents into drooling devotees.

Use promo code PodSave to get a free sacrificial dagger with which you can call forth the minions of Zip and scour the mines of apostates in your area today.

All right, when we come back, Borgoth the High Torturer comes by the pod to talk with Tommy about when and if we'll ever be released from this pod.

Yeah, I sat down and had a really insightful conversation with Borgoth.

Good news, he's letting us out of the pod.

Bad news, he's moving us into a smaller pod that's infested with rats.

No!

Oh no, come on, this sucks!

This is the goal!

We can't get wrapped around the axle here.

There's gotta be a better way to run around.

The pod is horrible.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This is a Peachy podcast, season four, the Peachyville horror.

Peachy, the fourth.

I'm really upset.

Imagine Will at a pizza place going to Peachville.

Did you guys talk about something with Soran that we're not?

You guys didn't talk about this?

I'm okay, boss.

Freddie Wong is sick today.

Freddy's out with a cold.

So

thoughts and bracelets, Freddy.

Question here.

What did you do last episode that wronged Will so deeply that he was trying to be funny?

I was just trying to be funny, guys.

I was just trying to keep you on your toes.

What is the PGF podcast about?

It's about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

Hey, they say dress for the job that you want.

And Freddie and I kind of have a similar drip going on today.

You want to be Freddie?

I thought I was.

You want to, in the last few episodes of this, be like, Freddie, you're DMing now.

I'm playing Blake.

I'd like to see you carry that heavy man.

I just want to be Freddy.

I think he's so cool.

I mean, we all have to do that.

Yeah, he's a good inspiration.

Triv, I wake up, I take a piss, I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, nice.

I've told you that my daughter has asked my wife why she didn't marry Uncle Freddie before.

She really?

She really said.

She was crying.

She's like, why didn't you marry Uncle Freddie?

That's amazing.

Uncle Freddy's the best uncle.

These fuckers.

Girl, look at that, Freddy.

All right, Freddie.

He hangs the crown.

I cannot wear it.

Freddie was not okay with her saying that, by the way.

Let's be clear.

My name is Freddie Wong.

I played Blake Lively, the liveliest plumber this side of the mississippi the mississippi what's happening wait wait we're back in peachville matt and the end of the world we're back to blake's normal accent is that what you're trying to argue we'll start like this and you with this accent like this is inside i'm straight up wondering like am i okay like are we okay like am i the left side of your face is drooping but

what's happening do you smell toast man imagine if you worked at a toast factory huh

That'd be fun.

Ah, yes, the toast factory.

God, everyone's sitting there being like, am I having the stroke?

Every lunchtime.

Everyone's like,

I hate how you toast yourself.

You're after toast.

What if we pre-toasted it for you?

They don't call it fast.

They call it fast.

Well, that must be what they're doing with eggos.

Also, is there a toast?

You do have to toast eggos.

I know, but they're making them before.

You just got to heat them up.

You don't buy toast.

You buy bread, you, Matthew.

You buy bread.

And then you make the toast.

A waffle is made in a waffle maker, inherently a toasting kind of object.

And then you buy a box of eggos and put it in your freezer, and then you put it in the toaster and then your eggos are or the microwave and if freddy had mentioned the egg o smell i would be on your side i'm just saying fasting insight into the breakfast habits of one beth name if your face is drooping you smell eggos that's a problem i think that would be a good way to go actually you haven't had enough eggos baby let's do a party

with it all making me feel high i don't know what's happening i play blake lively the plumber of the group the no-nonsense straight talking straight shooting bad swimming plumber of the group this week's blake fact the moment we entered Peachyville airspace,

his little communicator watch went beep beep beep beep, which means that his underground bunker underneath his residence is still there.

And I'm not gonna, that's it, Will.

His cool underground bunker is still there.

Will, what are you gonna do about it, huh?

This is why I should have just kept playing you.

I'm Freddie Wong, and that's not real.

Hey, everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Kelsey Grammar.

Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

And you know what she always says?

What?

Brothers are like books.

They're easy to read.

Wow.

She can read her brother like a book.

A little fact about Kelsey is she has never done any drugs whatsoever.

And she refuses to.

She will never do any drugs.

No coffee?

Nice.

No, I mean, she'll coffee, drink, and smoke, but like she will not do any drugs.

Drug is such a nebulous label.

Yeah.

So she's doing any of those like little zippers they were doing in the 50s that like

those weren't drugs.

Those were just to help a housewife get through her day, Matt.

What's Kelsey's no nootropic stack?

This is a nice whiskey and five packs of cigarettes.

Okay.

But no drugs.

I've never heard someone reference nootropic stacks as much as you can.

I know.

I really love it.

It's like your cellar door.

Like, it's a fucking stick.

I love it.

Yeah.

I could feel the fucking quake in the force when that guy had all those nootropics in the fucking episode of the rehearsal.

I could feel it from the guy's body radiating out of it.

There should be a first-person shooter where you get all that.

Like, you get to have your nootropic stacks.

I just want to remake Scarface, but it's about nootropic stacks.

I'm Anthony Birch.

I play where is this far as we're the kid that's doing his best.

And my Francis Fact, well, actually, I have a first, a sort of, it's not a Francis Fact, it's just an Anthony Fact.

I think I mentioned this in the previous episode, but started a new podcast called Gum Shoes and Dragons.

And if you're listening to this now, that means the most recent episode that came out has Beth as our guest murderer.

So if you want to hear Beth name

as our guest murderer.

You were on a different episode and clear in the one with us.

Yes, and in the future, all the daddies will show up.

I remember I had the worst stomachache when recording that episode, and I was just trying to act like a normal person, but I was like, oh, my tummy.

I mean, you were funny.

Yeah, you're probably still so funny, though.

Yeah, it's funny.

Tummy, funny.

Funny tummies.

That's Anthony's fact.

Francis' fact is that because he's now afraid of sinning, I realize I have to like do way less things with him because I think Francis thinks most things are sin.

Oh, no.

He can't lie.

He can't covet.

He can't.

beat off.

Oh, wow, that's obvious.

Like, the second he saw the big dick in the ocean, he can't beat off.

Beating off is usually covered by not coveting.

Oh.

what?

What do you, what are you doing?

I mean, you're usually coveting something while you're beating off.

Or you're just, you know, jorking it to your wife.

Just thinking about your wife and you're jerking it.

Well, Francis is not jerking off to his wife.

So we will not be doing that.

That's my fact.

Yes.

Hi, my name is Beth Mae.

Hi, Scrippy.

Aren't you dead?

Yes, but I've risen again.

Oh, I always believed you would.

My name's Beth Mae and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker robot and mother of one beautiful child.

Fun fact about Trudy is that she was actually banned from the Peachyville hot dog eating contest.

The problem is she just takes mega bites.

That's good.

Good one.

That's good.

Saving the best for last.

Holy shit, she came back.

I was sitting on that for like a week and a half and I was like, ooh, I finally got a good one.

Yeah, two days ago, Beth was telling me, like, it's going to fuck you up.

That's what this one is.

She fucking said it up for me and it's still delivered.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Freddie Wong.

I run this podcast.

Freddie.

I'm the boss of Rocket Jump.

I'm the boss of the podcast.

I'm a cool guy.

I drive a van.

I'm, you know, like, I'm just the coolest dude.

I'm a joker.

I'm a smoker.

Today I'm playing the part of Will Campos, who is the dungeon keeper of this game.

Dungeon Keeper.

I'm so tired, guys.

Do I tired?

You did this to yourself.

I'm tired.

What's going on?

Eat somewhere else, Will.

Will you think?

So your children here are awake and ready to play with you, Daddy.

Will.

Come on, man.

Slam for Celsius energy.

Dude, I've been ripping black coffees all morning.

I literally just did.

Spam 4 Celsius's energy.

Look at this shit.

I literally chained together two large black coffees like one of those people that lights their cigarette with another cigarette.

I'm trying.

Will's trying my best.

Will's poured the dredges of his Starbucks into his Mick Cafe.

Dude, I'm on that McCafe.

Listen, how you know you're in that dad life?

I literally go to McDonald's and order a single black coffee.

Oh my god.

My creepy fact today is inspired by Eggos.

Did you guys know that in the 1950s, Eggos had a name so disturbing that to even invoke it now will render your brain in twain.

So get ready.

Does this mean that you didn't have a scary fact ready until Beth said Eggos?

That's what's so scary about Beth Facts.

Was it just called waffles?

They were called frothels.

Frothels.

Frozen.

Frozen waffles.

I like that.

Bring it back.

Bring back the frothles.

Fruffles.

I wonder if you could do that now because they didn't use the name.

So could you just start a frozen waffle called frothles?

Maybe.

That's really good.

That's fun.

Maybe I should have named it frothles instead of Zoozell.

Oh well.

Fruffles.

Frothels.

But they're not frozen when you eat them.

That was probably what the

Addison, Madison Avenue fucking ad genius who fucking shot their shit down told them.

They're not frozen when you eat them, though.

It's like when uncrustables say you can't microwave them, but you absolutely can.

Yeah.

Legally, we can't.

We can't.

That's the opinion.

But Matt does.

The uncrustable opinions of Beth May are not.

I'm a professional, so don't do this.

Don't do it.

You're an uncrustable professional.

Look, I know how much.

I pay Matt to eat uncrustable.

I know how much molten sugar my mouth can handle.

It's 12 seconds max.

It depends on the microwave.

So

throw numbers out there, Beth.

For my microwave.

For your microwave.

Dude, it's gold with your doctor to see if microwave and uncards are not going to be a good thing.

I know that this is not how microwaves work, but whenever they're like hit that pop-top for five seconds, I'm like, but it needs time to warm up.

Like, at least

the little magnets in there got to get spun up first.

That's not fast enough.

You have to preheat your microwave, I thought.

We have a job to do together.

Okay, yeah.

When last we left our crew, you were back in Peachyville, skulking about the town in an attempt to reach Project Heartland because you now have the three keys that you need to open the door that may have Kelsey's brother John behind it, who told Kelsey in an alternate universe that he has a plan to save Peachyville

and the world.

The third way.

Third way.

The green ending, a mass effect.

Yeah, it's a real Andrew Yang, straight down the middle, third-party solution to our

solution.

The horrible problem you and the country find themselves in.

And it's definitely going to work.

We were skulking through town, sneaking around when you came across Shane Silva Jr.

being dragged.

Small Shane Silva.

Dragged into a van and hauled off by a bison goon squad.

And then in the van, you spotted one Milton.

And then went to go rescue him, had a crazy gunfight, killed everybody, opened the door, found Milton in there, along with BB.

But what's this?

You already saw BB earlier doing something else.

And then she's on the radio talking to you?

And she's in the car.

There's two BBs this week on Dungeons and Daddies.

2B

or not 2B.

Also, you all leveled up.

Yeah.

Whoa, what?

I think it's the second time we've leveled up.

It's been a while.

You know, you guys got to ask me.

me i did it i'm sorry i did it i remember so you just roll and if you go higher you get to roll more you get to roll detail and add that many points yeah but it's to your because i'm sure you guys have all been i have i have i have i put little marks i got little check marks does that mean that our hit points are back to full no you know this isn't like that this isn't that kind of game

that is my favorite not to make this about video games but every time i level up in an rpg if i don't get all my health back i'm mad like every day

when you level up you get your health back dude this is bullshit dude.

I passed all of them and every single one.

It was like one, two.

Still something.

Yeah, there you go.

Good thing I got more points in swimming.

I failed on quite a few of these.

I got three extra points, though, both in Fighting Brawl and in Spot Hidden.

But then some of the easier ones I should have gone, I did not get.

Like Persuade, I did not get any.

Psychology, I got one.

My spot hidden is now 47, Matt.

My spot hidden is 53, baby.

Oh, you and me, dude.

Yeah,

it's a D10 for every seal we've used.

No, no, no.

You roll a D100, and then if it's higher than the number that you currently have.

So, like, my library use is 70.

I rolled 32, so I don't get anything.

Okay.

If I rolled above a 70, then after that, you roll a D10, and then that number is what you get.

Anybody got anything cool from their leveling up?

I got a couple more points here and there.

I got eight points into Fighting Brawl.

Eight points in Fighting Brawl?

Where are you at?

I'm at 78.

You're better at fighting Brawl

than I am.

I've got a lot of unchecked rage, apparently.

Dang, dude.

I got nine points in firearms.

Wow.

Scratch.

I did get 10 points in locksmithing.

Remember when I tried to open the car door?

No.

When we were at the library with Brian.

That's how long it's been since we've leveled up.

Matt, don't worry.

I got plenty of locksmithing.

So now I'm at 11 on locksmithing.

I got 10 points.

I got 11.

But I don't know.

I think you're only supposed to do it if you succeeded at the scale, but we'll give it to you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's fine.

I thought it was an attempt.

I got it wrong, but it's fine.

Don't worry about it.

Trudy.

This is house rules.

This is what this house rules will play.

I got two extra on first aid.

I failed in drive auto.

I failed in fast talk, which is sad because I have five in fast talk and I rolled a two.

Oh, no.

I got a fast talk.

And then finally, swimming, I have a 20 and I rolled an 11.

That's the last thing.

These are these great rolls if we were actually doing stuff, man.

It's true.

I got some points here or there.

Oh, wow.

I don't think we're a swimming game.

Whenever I pass the 100 check and I do the 110, I've been getting like nines and 10s.

It's crazy.

Awesome.

Oh, I've only rolled three times, but it's still, it's just crazy.

I get two nines and a ten.

Awesome.

We're more powerful.

You guys are slightly more powerful.

A little more pep in the step.

You got a little more spring in your step.

So, yes, where we left off, Matt took out the last guy right as he was grabbing the radio and said, we need help.

We're under attack.

Blake was in the middle of curb stomping everybody outside when he heard the squawk of the radio and then was talking to one BB on the radio while the rest of you were in the back looking at another BB sitting next to Milton, who is, I believe, bound and gagged going,

Hello, team.

BB has some things to report.

Wait, what?

Is she on the radio right now?

Yes.

But there's a.

Put her on speaker.

Put her on louder radio.

Turn the radio up.

I turn it up.

BB?

Okay, I'm trying to think.

The speaker is in the front of the camera.

We'll say you guys can hear it.

This is when we don't have to do a bunch of shit.

You're going to roll down like the song.

Okay, listen.

Fuck yes.

Hello?

It's me, Condor One.

I'm here with.

I can't believe we said your code name was Cool Guy, but I'm here with Cool Guy, Robot Son.

We just left Weird Kid's house and there was no sign of Weird Kid.

Where are you, Condor 2?

Weird Kid's here.

Weird Kid's with you?

Is he okay?

Is he okay?

There's been a lot of people who are kids.

And so is Condor 1.

What do you mean, so is Condor 1?

We have BB at home.

Say something only the real BB would know.

So you see your BB, not your BB, you see the BB in the car.

We'll send your BB.

We'll send your BB.

This is our BB.

Well, considering the noise he's making now, I don't know if that's true.

Roshi's bounding gagged.

Okay, okay.

I don't know if we should tell them that.

Condor each other.

Condor one, hold, hold, call back in five minutes.

Click.

Team, we have a dilemma.

There appears to be two BBs.

But how would we know which one is the real BB?

I barely know that.

I have an idea.

Yeah, go.

We'll say to this BB,

what is your code name?

Well, she's okay.

Oh, someone needs to get the tape.

I take the gag off.

Codename, what are you talking about, Blake?

What's going on?

Tape back on.

No, no, no, no.

When was the switch made?

Is the core?

Listen, here's what we know for sure.

This BB does not know her code name.

Yes.

Okay, BB, what is your greatest fear?

Tape off.

Well, my greatest fear is communism.

Tape on.

Tape on.

Okay, ask the other one what's their greatest fear.

But we don't know the answer.

I know, I know, but let's just see it because we know BB well.

Okay, okay, okay.

Condor one.

Condor one.

Yes, this condor one is everything okay need to verify identity condor one quickly what is your greatest fear my my greatest fear is the forces of america succumbing to the evils of communist russia okay

condor one hold hold okay wait i'm just all right wait i hang up on condor one what if neither of them is the bad bb

you're suggesting a like if you were to trap your parents by making them think that you're the what are you talking about

bb do you have a twin we don't know about tape off.

No.

Okay, tape off.

I'm not just saying.

In the background, you see Shane Silva is like, hey, guys, I can't help but feel like, can we, should we go?

Oh, yeah.

Should we go somewhere?

Yes.

Yeah, please start driving while we're doing this conversation.

Let's figure this out at speed.

Yeah.

Yes.

Very well.

My personal communicator has to be a little bit more than a huge.

Hey, crazy.

Did you lose a leg too, man?

Yeah, save Z's.

Oh, my God.

Unfortunately, the same side as you, though, so we can't do the cool three-legged race thing where we have like one big gap between our legs on either side.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, you you know there's like i meet up with some guys now that are like us you know that lost limbs and stuff you know like it's like a kind of a support group if we want to come like you're you're more than welcome i think i'm good

you sure and he puts a hand on your shoulders you sure oh jesus this escalated i had an idea with baby i don't want to think about these feelings

let's talk to baby yes baby

my personal communicator has indicated that we are within range of my armory

I will drive to my house.

Drive towards your house.

That's good.

That's a good idea.

Trudy, what were you saying?

I'm just saying that, you know, Tucker made a lot of Trudies, and the previous Trudy wasn't less Trudy than I am, Trudy.

And so I'm wondering if BB is either a robot or, you know, I've seen some pretty silly things.

What if she's a clone?

Team, quick question.

Are we stopping for stoplights now or are all the news

very well?

I blow through a round.

We own these streets.

Can we ask

you to get a odds of getting in an act?

Remember, there's a curfew.

There's like no cars around there.

There's a red light.

There's a curfew, though.

Dot, dot, dot, in a town with very few people, and also there is a curfew.

The odds of being involved in a fatal crime are 2.76%.

All right, if we roll three or lower, you're going to get T-boned by another car.

It's like we get an advantage for that because, you know, it's quiet.

Well, no, because that's the average statistic, which would factor in all situations.

Fair enough, fair enough.

Ooh, an 11.

All right, it's the land.

Close call.

Literally, close call.

Team, baby, we should stop for red lights.

Sorry.

No, it's only a 3% chance you can keep rolling that dice.

That's good.

We've been doing that forever.

Nothing will ever happen.

So I have an idea with BB.

Okay.

I pulled off BB's gag.

Francis, are you okay?

Are you all right?

Where are you?

Just put the gag back on BB.

This is not BB.

She was nice to me.

Oh.

I take the gag off.

I'm going to the radio.

Watch.

Watch.

Condor one.

Yeah, what?

This is Francis.

Okay.

How you doing?

What are you?

What's going on, Francis?

That's a BB.

Oh, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

You have discerned who the real BB is.

I don't have to fucking call her.

Okay, well, let's take it.

She is so hard to understand.

I suppose, but I think even if we are pretty sure which one is the good or the bad, I think there's a danger in removing one from.

Trudy, you need to fucking cool it with these with these.

She could be both.

Both of them could be good.

I can barely comprehend that one is evil and one is good.

And now you're telling me there are third options?

That's fucking crazy, Trudy.

Maybe they're different dimensions.

There's multiple options.

I'm sorry, Blake.

I didn't mean to.

I would have to apologize to him.

He's going to send it to you.

Like, you're playing fucking tiny height laser.

Trudy, his outburst had nothing to do with you, okay?

But having problems.

Okay.

Well, I will review.

There's another meeting out there.

Okay.

Trudy, look, I'm sorry.

I've just, it's been a really crazy day.

I'm sorry.

I was a little happy to see Francis.

I'm not proud proud of it.

And now that he's being a big jerk about it, I don't, I don't care.

Let's just park and let her out on the corridor.

We don't have to do stuff violent to her.

That's fair.

I don't want her around.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

But you guys, you understand what you just walked into, right?

What do you know?

No.

What do you know?

Look, this is how they grabbed me.

I was skulking around.

I was digging through the bushes.

I was jumping in ditches.

I was hiding under cars.

And I was looking around.

And I was like, And where were you before that?

That's what I've been doing while you guys are going.

I've been bounding the pavement.

I've been looking for clues.

I've been trying to figure out what the bisons are up to, and I think I did.

And were you around Timmy while you were doing that?

You have Timmy?

Timmy's here?

So this goes back further than we thought.

This goes all the way to the top.

Look, don't you wonder what's going on with this van?

Okay, tell us from your perspective.

As far as I can figure it, this is what I've learned.

Red light!

Oh no, BB wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Oh, no, she flew through a window.

I know, she's got tentacles coming out of her nose.

The bisons are desperate to find a seed candidate so that they can raise Zuzel and fight whatever's going on out there.

Honestly, we knew that and pushed her out of the car.

So their plan is, look, here's what I learned.

The seed candidate has to have three qualities.

They have to have a great wound, carry a strange burden, and they have to win a mighty battle.

So they've been putting this list together.

Remember, I got this list?

They put this list together of people that qualify for the first two categories, and they're dragging them all together, and they're going to throw them all into this horrible battle royale against each other.

And whoever the last one is left standing, the last one left alive, that's going to be their candidate because they'll have just won this great victory.

And it's going down tonight at Bison HQ.

So it's like a superfight.

If we believe that this is the real BB, it is a superfight, yes.

But also, a way to solve that would be to stop the car and let all these people out.

That's true.

Well, how would that solve anything?

These are all the.

These are the seed candidates?

This isn't all the seed candidates.

This is some of them.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

There would be less seed candidates.

Yeah, but we should know.

Oh, no, no, we have to.

Then nobody knows that this van has been taken, right?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, what do you mean, well?

The radio went off.

Somebody radioed for back.

Yeah,

but they don't know what happened.

Okay.

I'm sure they think it was something normal in the morning.

No, I don't know, but look, all I'm saying is

we have an opportunity here to sneak into whatever's going on and stop it.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

BB, you said less candidates.

Real BB would know the end.

The word is fueler.

Throw her out of the car.

Nobody's throwing BB out of the car.

We're not just throwing a child out of the car, okay?

Even if this may be a bad, evil BB, or maybe a good one, or maybe a neutral one like trudy maybe but how do you know the other bb is what you know what is the other what what happened with the other bb we don't know yet where did you meet this other bb she showed up when we got here where did you find her where did dr dogs she was what was she doing at dr dogs she was doing bb stuff too she was just scrounging around looking for stuff okay

she had the key and she gave it to us

which is not something the bisons would do which is not something the bisons would do how do you where's the key how do you know it's real i don't know where it is yeah we don't know if we have the thing you just said you have it how do you

say i have it i said she had it.

We are not 100% certain about you, BB.

So we're talking about it.

Oh, you just verify that very exactly.

Look, all I'm saying is it seems pretty suspicious that this other BB was just there with she could be leading you into a trap or something like that.

That's all I'm saying.

I mean, she was doing the stuff that we asked her to do, and she showed up at Dr.

Doggs, which was a good place where the

suggestions for a future course of action, unlike you.

Wait a minute.

Here's a question.

She was with Timmy.

Team.

Yes.

Question.

Why would the bisons tie and gag up a fake BB?

For exactly the reason that we think.

Yes, but they are not expecting to be beaten ass by us.

Are you sure?

Do you think that they parked it for the express purposes of getting ass beat?

I mean, maybe for express purposes of like luring us in.

No, that's true.

This seems.

Although there would have been more people to ambush us if that were the case, so maybe not.

I'm just worried that if there is a nefarious BB out there, she's with my son.

Timmy.

So when you say that you hear the radio come on again, you hear, it's Condor One.

Hi, I know you said to just wait, but I'm just like a little freaked out.

What's going on?

Condor one, what the fuck?

What's happened to radio discipline?

Condor one, put Timmy on, please.

Okay, uh, cool kid, uh, robot mom wants to talk to you.

Hello, hey, mom, what's up?

Wait, I don't think we should be on here.

Like, this is an open channel.

Well, then we will speak in code.

Yes.

1-0-1-0-1-0.

0-0-0-1-1-0-0-0-1-1.

Mom, I'm non-binary.

You don't know anything about me.

Wow.

Oh,

fucking wow.

I just want to say thank you for trusting me with that information.

Okay, well, what's going on?

And are you safe?

No, because we're running around and crazy stuff's going on.

But I'm tough and I can fucking handle myself, so I'm pretty much safe wherever I go.

Yes.

I hate to tell you this, but if they can double BB, they can also double Timmy's voice.

And Timmy?

What's the name of your dog?

Why don't we pick up Timmy and BB?

Yes.

That way, at least everybody's together.

Oh, my God.

Yes, put them on the jar and shake it up, and whoever comes out is the good one.

Also, it'd be good to discuss because BBI

taking you at face value, stopping this fight's good, but we may also have a third way.

I think finding my brother, John.

She doesn't need to know the details.

Finding.

You found John?

God.

Did BB say this?

You found John?

You found your brother?

No, I said finding, which would imply I haven't found, and he's always in my heart.

But it sounds like you found him.

It sounds like he

but it's been so long since i've seen him that sometimes i can't remember look look all i'm saying is we don't even know if there actually is a fucking big roundup of people fighting each other and stuff that might not be

stand by we're coming to pick you up well where are they condor one and timmy yeah oh sorry i forgot the let's just okay what where are you we're coming to get you we were just coming over to find you guys where are you just where are you right now we'll come and get you we're at mcdonald's okay okay not hungry no that's they're probably still making those burgers we ordered forever ago yeah they were just sitting out they're got really cold all All right, get three.

No, hurry.

Get 14 happy meals and we'll be there.

We're going to be there.

Can you pay for it?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Wait, 14 happy meals?

There's seven people here.

No, there's four.

No.

Teen happy meals?

Every bag has a free hand job.

Get a vape pen and a hand job?

Could you imagine the dogs in that, dude?

You get a fucking vape and a hand.

Did you get three duggets to make me come and also hand job meal?

Today is a staying in kind of night.

Oh my gosh.

14.

I'm loving it.

Okay, we'll be right there.

There's 11 people in this vehicle.

They're all hungry.

Wow, it sounds crowded in there.

Tell you what,

let's just say whatever you are going to order, order two.

Tell you what, gives a whole new meaning to the word grimace shake.

You.

You indeed.

So we just put the gag back on the BB.

We'll figure this out in a moment.

Okay.

Blake, is that okay?

Can we on the way to your bunker or whatever?

Can we stop by McDonald's and get Demian BB?

I have McDonald's at home, but what?

Does bunker have a McDonald's?

Yes, underground.

I have an entire McDonald's franchise, and I just kept built it, but I don't have the people to run it.

So we should stop at this McDonald's here.

Okay, no one's going to run shit until you get to McDonald's.

Nope, we're being quiet, but we run three red lights.

Roll them, baby.

Roll them.

I think that's a fair number.

63.

Nice.

Smooth sailing.

56.

Joe's good.

We're getting cooler.

56 twice.

Whoa.

You went through the same.

You went in a circle.

I got one more time.

89.

Smooth.

Smooth sailing.

I don't know why we ever stopped for these.

Yeah.

It's only 3% of the time.

I don't know if this is the lesson we should be taking from this situation.

It's not a lesson.

It's just an observation.

I'm observing that it's super cool to run red lights all the time.

All right, you roll up to the McDonald's.

The lights are off.

It's closed because of the town curfew.

Wait a minute.

BB lied to us.

There's old raccoons eating through a big, old, stale bag of burgers.

They don't have teen happy meals.

They're not getting hand jobs.

One of those raccoons might be.

What does a raccoon sound like when it's getting a hand job?

Yeah, exactly.

That's how it sounds.

I thought it was in hand jobs.

and then you see like a little glint in the bushes like someone's signaling you with a little cool signal mirror put your hands up unless you're giving someone a handshake

in which case keep going

finish you see four hands come up and Timmy and BB emerge from the bushes okay hop in hop in yeah okay where's the food it's really crowded back here should we let some of these people go do we need the rest of these people no we gotta keep everybody it's dangerous all these other people have you released it behind the gaps of everybody?

I turn everybody's like, sorry, I didn't mean to speak for you.

If you would like to go, you're free to leave, except for you, Bibi.

And Milton, you should probably stay with us.

Everybody else, you're free to go.

Or if you want to stay with us, you can stay with us.

Oh, I think that's hi.

My name is.

I don't care who you are.

You can just go or stay.

Yeah, you shut the fuck up.

I'm Tom Fitzwallitz, and I think we should all stay.

Because if this little girl is a doppelganger, then maybe one of us is evil too.

You never know.

They could have.

Why should you stay?

Because,

hey, I'm on your side.

I don't cut into these bison fellas, and I think we should stop them.

Oh, this guy's right.

Everybody, you're staying and you're gagged now.

Because this guy brought this idea up.

You all could have left, but now you don't like it.

There's who to blame.

That's too risky.

Tom's like,

and now everyone is glaring at Tom.

With towels and bars of soap in the back, if you need to, you know, what?

Full metal jacket him.

Oh, God.

Francis.

Those are socks, Francis.

So they're all everywhere gagged, except for now we ungag gee, gigi, gigi, giggie, we ungab ae.

We ungabbed.

Gige gigi.

Okay.

It's like head to your bunker and then we'll solve this.

Condor one BB enters.

Oh, no.

I should have known you guys would have brought me fucking.

Why did I think this wasn't going to happen?

Condor one BB steps into the back of the van and goes like, all right, what's the big, what the hell?

And right as she says that, tied up, BB, he's like, what the hell?

And they're like, hey, what are you, but you're me, but how?

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you?

But you're me.

And they just both glare at each other.

It's like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, stop saying okay, stop saying okay, stop saying okay, BB.

And then Condor 1B is like, no, no, no, no, let him cook.

We don't need to be involved in this.

Can I speak to you all outside for a moment?

No, let's do it.

You can speak to half of us.

I think anything you can say to that BB, you can say in front of the group.

Anything you can say out loud, you can say to yourself.

I will just say this to the group.

BB, you are the greatest detective this world has ever known.

So like, how did this happen?

Whoever figures it out survives.

Yeah, at the very least, we're getting the better detective.

Yeah, And there's no reason to be coy about anything because of the details.

Condor 1B is like, I have a way to prove that I, without a doubt, am the real BB.

You should do.

How do you feel about that other BB?

I'd like to see her try because I'm the real BB, so it's going to be impossible.

Very strong, not real BB energy coming from this one.

Condor 1B is like, look, in my many adventures, in my many ratings of many pulp comic books, I've prepared for such an eventuality as this, a doppelganger situation.

Here's what I can offer you.

Such a regular BB thing to say.

Kind of, it honestly is.

In my tree house at home, I have

in a little cubby in a corner in a little knotted gnarl of a tree in a little secret spot, I have written down a 23-digit number that I have committed to memory.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I know what that number is.

So if you go retrieve that number, I can recite it from the top of my head and prove to you that I am the real BB because only the real BB would know that.

Yeah, but this could be a trap to get other tree house.

Exactly.

Hello.

This is obviously a trap, guys.

Other bbs you're not buying this are you pretty sure you're not really bb because you were nice to me that's what i want

other other bb where is your 23 digit number don't have one because that's crazy what are you talking about if i was a fake bb and i knew that there's a chance there'd be a doppelganger situation like this i would plan something weird somewhere that i could say only i know this bb has parents right yeah most people tend to yeah i mean like a live oh okay yeah they're alive yeah yeah oh no don't call my parents condor one bb says don't call my parents don't call my parents don't call my parents that's either real real teacher.

Or you're so steamed if they know I'm out.

If they told them that I was like, I have an elaborate setup in my room to make them think I'm sleeping.

Both of you say what you think something only your parents would know.

Again, we don't know anything about this.

There's no control in these experiments.

No, I know, but if we call, unless they have a doppelganger parent, we'll call the mom or dad and ask them the question and see what they say.

Okay.

And theoretically, only the real BB would know something from like when, give me something that happened when you're like six years old that only your parents would know.

Something that would happen when only I was six years old.

Uh, your parents should remember, okay, and whisper that to me, the keeper of secrets.

Yes, whisper it to Blake, whisper it to Blake, yes, so that the two BBs can't hear.

Both BBs are going to whisper one at a time into Freddy's ear, yeah, for that.

I need the rest of you to leave the room.

Oh, but I'm gonna have Blake tell us what they said, anyway.

Yeah, I know, but both you need to leave.

He's gonna do some fucked up shit.

Clearly,

come back and Freddy's dead.

Will

killed Freddy.

No, guys, leave the room.

I want you to leave.

Leave.

Matt, Matt, be leave.

You want

leaving the club?

All right.

I'm happy to leave.

Will is.

Oh, oh.

Will's already taken off his belt.

I can't even hear.

See, I can't even hear what you're saying.

I can't even hear what you're saying.

Yeah, well, I'll come out and get you guys.

Okay, Freddie.

Now we change clothes, and then when they come back, I'm sitting where you sit.

Okay, here's what happens.

First, the BB that is standing up, the BB from outside whispers into your ear.

The BB that we sent on the mission mission.

Yes, it's coming back.

The baby that you sent on the mission is coming back.

She whispers in your ear.

She says, Okay, like I've never told this to anybody before, but I actually think there are a lot of things about communism that make sense, and that's what scares me the most about it.

And I asked my parents for my sixth birthday for the collected writings of Antonio Gramsci, who's the Italian Marxist philosopher.

He's just, he's got a lot of really great ideas, and I think they make sense over here.

BB.

And then the other.

Never tell anybody what you have told me.

The other BB whispers in your ear, and I am going to need you to.

Interior BB.

Interior BB whispers in your body.

Interior BB and interior BB.

Exterior BB, interior BB.

Interior BB whispers in your ear, and I'm going to need you to make a power roll.

Only thing I know which one's the

one.

42.

That's a super success.

Super success.

What's yours POW score?

84.

Okay.

Her POW is an 80.

I'm going to have her roll.

Okay.

So you win the power roll.

Nice.

But I'm going to tell you what happens.

Oh, no.

She whispers in your ear, you are under my command.

You will tell them that I said the exact same thing that the other BB just said to you.

And now.

BB,

don't tell anybody what you just told me.

But I won the power roll.

So what does that mean here?

So that means you don't fall for it.

Okay, I don't fall for it.

So yes, normally you would be under her thrall and you would say that.

Okay, okay.

But now you have not.

So now we're going to.

And I've nodded and I said, BB, do not tell anybody what you told me.

We can bring everybody back in.

All right, come back.

Talk about world.

Yeah.

It's true.

All right, we're back.

Okay, so you see two BBs whisper in Blake's ear.

Okay.

First, the outside BB, exterior BB, as we've been calling her, whispers in his ear.

And then interior BB whispers in his ear.

I think we were calling Condor One.

Yeah, Condor One.

Condor one.

We were just

a little goofy.

Condor one and tied up.

Oh, okay.

I just thought he was going to make it.

Condor one is the one from outside.

Yeah, yeah.

And then tied up BB.

Tied up BB.

And tied up BB.

Interior B.

Let's do that.

Because they're all inside.

I think that's, you guys, that's a funny thing you guys came up with.

But it's confusing to three of us.

Condor one.

Wise of the 10,000 people listening.

Condor one and tied up BB.

Okay.

Okay, Blake, what'd they say?

I have heard now from both BBs.

I think we heard you laugh really hard.

Yeah.

Okay, you can just tell us what they said now.

Condor one said something unspeakable, and I will not be repeating.

What?

You have to tell us.

And I will not be repeating for her own sake.

Thank you.

Do we think that Blake is like the worst person to get this?

Yeah, but you're just gonna expect that we did that.

But you just have to tell us what it is because we have to call the mom.

Were you called the mom?

No, we're not gonna let him just call the mom because it doesn't.

I'm gonna call the mom.

I'm happy to call her.

I'm already distrusting Blake now.

So in a second, we're about to gag Blake.

And interior BB attempted to mind control me.

Well, that saves us a call.

Tied up BB did that.

Tied up BB.

Interior BB.

No, it's not.

It's tied up BB food.

You hear the stretching of flesh behind you.

Oh, I guess we can hear

cracking and bones exploding.

I still think it was Condor 1.

I'll teach the contrary.

And when you look to whence was BB, you see the face of Camon Juan, Francis's mother.

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She has a wild glean in her eyes.

She seems like she's seen some shit since the last time you saw her.

Her eyes sort of have like a sort of mysterious purple glow to them.

She has this half-wild smile on her face as she looks at you, Francis.

And instead of her regular clothes, she's wearing like this leather robe.

But as you look at it, you realize it's stitched together out of human skin.

That's what this is.

Center, yeah, like that snuggie in his pocket.

And center hanging on the chest of this stitched together skin robe, you see the face of your father

stretched out in this sort of skin poncho that your mother is wearing.

Moisturize me.

She looks at you guys and says, Well, it was worth a try, I guess.

Exterior BB, I always believed in you.

She's tied up still.

She's tied up still, A.

B, I was probably looking at her the whole time because I, from the get-go, thought that she was the bad one.

And so I'm going to, you know, obviously try to throw her out and get the dad's cousin.

She's just like, I pick her up by both hands.

He's going to chuck her out the back of the vehicle.

Yeah.

As you're looking at her as well, you hear more wriggling and shifting and stretching.

And you realize that all of the people in here, other than Milton and I guess Shane, who you saw get on the bus, they're all part of her.

Like they're all one monstrous thing

sitting in the bus.

Like this was all one big body morphing spell

and so these all these people that have been tied up and stretched like your good buddy Tom Fitzwallis that wanted to stay in the van

wanted everybody to stay in the van so he sort of like morphs back into like a sort of fucked up flesh tentacle and she's sitting there pretty firmly planted down on the ground so she is about to go down but yes Francis because you were onto her from the jump you have a one-round surprise action on her although I think everybody should have to give me a sanity roll oh yeah I like sanity that makes sense I feel like we could also easily change our plan I don't think we're throwing her out I think we're just jumping yeah Yeah, I think we just jumped out.

That's why I wanted to finish my description.

I passed my Sanity roll.

I failed my Sanity roll.

I fail.

Okay.

I haven't said what I've done yet.

Don't you care if I've been saying?

Don't you care?

97.

Oh.

Wait, is that good or bad?

That's very bad.

That's very bad.

Exceedingly bad.

Okay, everybody failed except for Freddie.

All right, we're going to.

I've seen this sort of thing.

It makes sense because Blake's in the front.

Everyone, throw me a 1d6 Santa T Santa Tanti.

Santa T.

Not me, me, the Santa manager.

Not you, not you, Blakeford.

Fucking dude, like crushed it, dude.

There we go.

One.

Yes.

Okay, good.

That means you don't transpose to another dimension, man.

Nice.

Clutched it.

Three.

Three.

Okay.

Whoa.

What'd you get?

Six.

What?

Trudy, give me an intelligence roll.

You ought to fail this one.

61, and my intelligence is fuck 80.

Why are you so smart?

He's smart.

All right, we will say that give Rome another 1d6.

Okey dokey.

Six.

Okay.

For the next six rounds, you have no idea who is real or who is a doppelganger or who is part of this thing or not.

So you are completely paranoid.

You do not trust anybody.

You do not trust your own son.

You are absolutely terrified of what's going on with everybody in this situation.

And you probably want to hightail it out of here for six rounds

long time long time four episodes

francis we'll start with your surprise round i think i'm going to scurry out of the car as best i can and just basically get my distance from the car at all deliberate speed just push bb out on the car i'm gonna do that too i mean that's what i'm gonna do actually i mean i feel like it doesn't make sense for me to grab somebody start moving because i have to use both hands to push myself so i can't really get anybody else but you can just like tackle b because bb's like at the door right uh yeah i suppose so i could just shove myself back hard into BB and not care that she's there and be like, we're going this way now.

Okay, you can make a fighting brawl roll on BB to kick her out of the car if you want.

But I will say, if you decide to boot her out of the car, that means you will be at the edge of the car this turn instead of getting full clear of it.

And just to still we're on the same page geography-wise, my thought is like it's like a paddy wagon, right?

Yes.

So like BB was at the back of the paddy wagon with Milton, who's sitting right next to them.

Milton's like in a real the thing situation right now where he's kind of you guys.

He's blocking the door.

Yeah, we untied Milton.

Yeah.

But yeah, we did, like, they're not blocking the door like that.

But we've got all of the sort of morphing bodies of the other people next to them which are turning into like grabby tactical things yes where are all of us in relation to this uh well you guys all clambered in there so you're all in the middle yeah we're all in the middle we'll say there's enough wiggle room for you guys to shove through each other directly because i don't want to do like well technically you're blocking whoever you guys are free to move through each other's space yes no clip is on but yes you're all stuffed in there and you're all one move action to clear out of there give me your fighting braw roll which is now 78 nice nice dude.

28.

You body check BB out of the van and she lands in the ground with a stud.

And I say, run!

It is now.

We're at the top of the turn order, and Britannica Blue has an 80 dexterity, so she's going to go fast.

Fast little kid.

She says, the hell I will.

And she's going to draw her slingshot and take deadly aim at Kimon Juan.

My opinions on BB's intelligence have taken a pretty precipitous nosedive.

And she missed.

And we're all inside the car.

Yeah, we're just trying to run out.

Well, why don't we just get in the front seat and punch it?

Yeah, that's not we have to get out of the car and get into the front seat.

But didn't I roll down the window?

Didn't you hear me?

I forgot that you went ooh, ooh, ooh.

Blake is in the front seat.

So what I see is I see a big fleshy thing.

Yeah, you see Kimone Juan's head in a skin poncho made out of Francis' dad, sort of draped over a thing-like abomination that is spreading across the car.

And you heard Kimon Juan.

Spreading across the room.

And you guys are all out of the room.

And you saw Francis jump out of the car.

Okay, and so we are worried about Bibi out of the car.

I'm still in the car.

We're still in the back of the car, but when it's my turn, my plan is to to jump out of the car.

So you don't think I should just accelerate?

Sure, that could help us get out of the car.

She's sitting next to Milton, and then her body essentially extends around the sides of the car where the six people were.

Like, she doesn't fuse with that.

It's a career action movie where there's just people on a paddy wagon.

All those people turned into one thing.

So it's just a big you of flesh, and we are standing there.

She's a big flesh you.

Yeah.

I don't know how to make it any simpler.

Yeah, yeah.

So if I accelerate.

Imagine this, Freddy.

You're at a Halloween party, and it's like at a normal house, and you're dressed like a cowboy, but I'm dressed like the person riding the dinosaur and I've got the inflatable like dinosaur on me.

So like you could probably go through a door frame, no problem, but like I might get caught up by that dinosaur.

Yeah,

exactly.

R ⁇ B was hoping that would not come back to a metaphor about the game situation.

Here's the first move.

Yeah.

I'm going to accelerate.

There's a knocked out guy in there.

Use him to hold the accelerator.

We'll get there.

Could you guys leave that guy in the car?

I mean, we didn't explicitly say take him out so i think it's up to us to decide if we took him out or not i mean we knocked him out in the car having him in the front allows me to use the carpool lane

while we're running red lights good joke good joke i'm gonna give him a constitution roll how likely are you gonna he definitely wakes up while this is happening okay all right great one more person to be upset that the car's going okay So I'm going to accelerate hard.

Hard.

Do I need to do a roll for that?

No, just to stop on the gas?

No.

Yeah, yeah.

So what the goal here is to try and tumble out any loose people, my pals.

Yeah, we're jumping out.

I suppose, since this is all happening in a split second, can I just like hold the rest of my turn to see what happens here?

Like, because I feel like there's probably some roles to see who stays in the car.

All right, we'll do this.

We'll accelerate.

The van lurches forward.

None of you are expecting this.

Yeah.

So, everybody, give me a dexterity saving throw.

You want to fail.

You want to fail this.

Do we?

No.

No, because if you want to be thrown out of the van, yes, you do.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Oh, nice.

Oh, wow.

If I failed, I might die.

And I get blood flown out of the van somewhere in your house.

Critical fail.

Okay.

Critical 70, so I barely failed.

Okay, you failed.

You failed.

I pass with a six.

You pass with a six.

You're hanging on tight.

Yeah.

Well, you're so freaked out.

You have no idea what's going on.

I think Trudy is actually kind of drawn to the flesh monster because she knows it's evil, right?

But she's like, she's not sure about everybody else.

And she like, it's, it's the devil she knows, rather so she's got you got magnet feet and magnet feet

and magnet feet yeah

oh you got hover boots too so you probably get out without even taking damage you got magnet feet and hover boots that's like i've got it all yeah she's the woman who has everything yeah you go any trade oh shit i forgot timmy's here too right yeah yeah did he fly out there's a lot of people in one van yeah so we'll say timmy had not climbed he was peering in to be like what's going on i was like watch the capital

yeah so we'll say bb clonked into timmy um me cute milton could see it he'd be very upset oh Milton needs to make a dexterity roll.

Milton got a 13,

which is definitely a success, unless his deck score is terrible.

But no, his deck score is.

He has you and Milton in there.

Everyone's favorite characters in one card.

This cannot go bad.

We'll say that Milton's the only person you trust, right?

Kelsey keeps leaning over to Milton and be like, Trudy's really pretty, right?

Have you ever known how pretty Trudy is?

Hey, Trudy's looking pretty odd tonight.

Please stop thinking about your aunt.

Everyone knows how nice Trudy is.

Trudy's a good cookie, though.

You know, I bet you'd make you cookie.

Did you know that Trudy could do everything?

Milton passed his roll, so he also is like grabs the sides of the wall and stays still.

Shane is going to make his dexterity roll, and he biffs it as well.

So Shane goes flying out of the van.

He's going to also take 1d4 damage.

So he's going to take three damage to the face as he turfs it into the fucking ground.

Francis, you're thrown from the van.

Give me a dexterity roll to see if you land well.

I don't.

Give me a 1d4 as you face plant into the dirt.

And then, Matt, with your 100, you are thrown.

Kelsey Winner.

Woo!

You just like, um, I take three damage.

You ever see that insane Russian stunt video where the guy's like lying straight into that bus crane and goes flying through the bus?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

It's like one of those.

You just like, you look like that shot of Dwayne The Rock Johnson is black at him where he's like, I'll

mass

shot from the dung black atom.

I know

I was thinking I was like the grape crushing lady who like falls over.

Grape crushing lady.

Yes, you're yeeted, full clear.

So you're going to give me a disadvantage dexterity throw to stick this landing.

39 is the first one.

Wait, who did the rock tweet?

Like, had just died?

And it's like, R.I.P.

It's a shame they won't be able to see Black Eyes.

I got two 39s.

Okay, and what's your dex?

And my dex is 57.

Wow.

So I passed.

Oh, so people understand it's like two 39s.

It's not one in a hundred chance because you only re-roll the tens number.

Yeah.

So it's got three twice.

You are hurdling straight towards something very painful.

We'll say like a 1950s sculpture of Ronald McDonald.

I don't know if Ronald was.

This is the first version of Ronald McDonald.

He's holding a dagger.

He was a lot pointier back then.

He was a little more.

No, it's like the original diamond guy.

It was really angular.

Now here's what he's

got.

He's holding a thing of French fries and all the French fries are sticking out.

Yes, you're hurting straight for Ronald's fries, but then you manage to stick the landing and like blade pose and you skid to a a halt just in front of it.

We'll see because you guys throw in so far, it'll take you two move actions to get back to the van.

Francis, it's your turn.

So I guess I'm just outside of the car now.

I'm presumably next to who else fell out.

Kelsey's a little ways off behind you.

Kelsey was like that Jed and Transformers, that like the cool

star screw that transformer, the Jed that flew over the kid's head.

It's like that.

You know that Transformer that Transformed?

It's like that.

It's like that.

Man, I have a

lot of stuff.

The Transformer who gave everything.

Yeah, you're next to BB and Timmy on the ground.

Great.

Okay, so I'm going to look around around for another car on the street.

Maybe something that is hot wireable.

It's curfew.

Everybody is

presumably hiding at home.

Not in the side.

With their cars inside.

Yeah, this car's on the street.

Holy dunk.

Well, you see two things.

You see a old jalopy on the side of the road.

with some old parking tickets in it, like one of those classic situations.

And with old Mr.

Jalopi.

As you are casting about, you also see a pickup truck around the corner that's chock full of bisons.

And it is zooming towards you.

And you remember that over the open bison radio, you told BB and Timmy to meet you at McDonald's.

So it seems like that might be what's happening right now.

And they will be here in, let's say, three turns.

So I look around for something better than the jalapi, but then I just turn to BB and I say, the garbage will do.

And I say, do you know anything about not wearing cars?

We got to get out of here.

In there.

Hold on, let me check my character sheet.

And then I start inching my way over as best I can.

Or, you know, I put up my arm.

Hopefully BB and/or Milton will decide to like help me get up.

Milton's with me, Timmy.

Timmy, sorry, Timmy.

Yes, Timmy and BB take you under their arms, and you are now, we'll say you all move as one unit so I can track less NPCs.

Good.

And on your next turn, you can make it to the car and try to hot wire it.

Fantastic.

Kelsey, it's your turn.

This pickup truck is driving down the road towards us.

Yes, and we'll say the pickup truck's going to reach you in two turns.

Okay.

Where did I fall?

Like on like a lawn or something?

You stopped an inch in front of the jagged, it's like Mission Impossible 2, but with a fucking French fray right in front of your eye of Ronald McDonald, and you're like right out front of the McDonald's, like right at the driveway entrance.

Is there a hose?

A hose, like you know, like a rolled hose, like a hose, a hose, like if they gotta clean the parking lot at a McDonald's.

Give me a luck roll.

Can I do a spot hidden roll?

This is more of a luck because it wouldn't be hidden.

This is just a question of are you lucky enough that there's a hose right here.

You don't have any luck.

What was if I don't want the hose there?

It sounds like you do want the hose there.

That's the problem, Matt, is you told me you wanted a hose there.

I failed.

There's no hose.

Okay, there's no hose.

Is there any sort of string or rope?

Yeah, you find some yarn.

Is there like maybe a rubber cylindrical rope that you could pass water through?

I mean, like, is there a chain around like a dumpster?

Is there a

McDonald's has, do you know, like, those little flag droopy pennant things?

Oh, yes, that you see?

Yeah.

It's got one of those.

It's basically got almost like garland, like a long rope running along the rim of the roof

that has those little flags dangling down from it.

It's just a little bit of festive decor.

Yeah, I always call them like rope lights with flags.

Rope lights with flags instead of lights.

Can I reach it?

I want you to tell me how many turns it would take and then I'll decide if this is worth doing.

Okay.

Since this car is driving really fast and people are unsafely the back.

It was a hose.

I want to stretch this thing across the road.

I was going to use my turn to run because it's like you get 30 feet.

I was going to run across the road and tie it to the other side or something.

Okay.

So that if they don't notice it, they will drive into it and preferably send four people without seatbelts flying off the truck.

Or if they do see it, they slow down and at least they had to stop and jump out early.

Okay.

I like that.

Let's go with that.

I think that's fun.

I don't think that would work with a droopy flag thing because that would just blow through it.

Like, that's fine.

That's good.

If you put it on high and they're in the back of the truck, it'll cut their heads off.

Yeah, I put it that's the height.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not about stopping the car.

Yeah, it's about hitting them.

But it's still like...

No, if it was over.

If you hit a string of like flags at high speed with your neck, that would hurt.

Yeah, if it's tied to the roof and then tied to like a telephone pole on the other side, like the string that holds flags are like.

Even if it gave, it would hurt a lot.

Yeah, it would knock you.

I mean, you would get knocked out.

Like, if they're strong enough to hold flags on a rooftop and survive weather, they're probably like nylon or something.

Like, that's okay.

Yes, we'll say it's a nylon string.

It's a tough nylon, and they built everything better back in the 1950s.

I'll give it to you.

Dude, this is what nylon was for.

This is just important.

This is me as a friend, it's important to you.

Don't run into any string, it won't give.

Like, if you're driving a car and a string hit you, like, you're fucking country shit.

You'll flip out of the car at the very end.

Instead of it being a nine, because I don't know why this, I buy this more.

You'll like this, Matt.

This works for you.

Okay,

this is just, this is how we're going to fucking take this country back.

Okay.

Is that this fucking, you get thrown, you roll to a stop, you clonk your head on something.

In a days, Kelsey like looks up and she sees two things.

She sees this fucking pickup truck full of masked men with fucking clubs and who knows what startling towards her.

And then she looks up even farther and she sees the stars and stripes because she just bonked her head into a flagpole.

There you go.

And there's a big old flag waving.

Fucking true American fucking these colors don't run.

And of course, you bet your ass, there's a fucking, there's a, they got a rope.

A flag rope.

Yeah.

sick.

A classic flag rope.

There you go.

Yeah.

And also the McDonald's flag is flying.

Oh, so it's fine.

It's the American flag and then the McDonald's flag.

I salute the McDonald's flag.

Yeah.

He's coming to run.

I'm proud to be in McDonald's land

where the ball pits all are free.

You know they don't do this anymore?

So I'm going to take, what do you call the little thing they tie around at the bottom?

Yeah, it's like, I guess it's the hitch.

Yeah, the hitch.

I'm going to undo it and then I'm going to start running across the street with one end of the rope.

Okay, Okay, sick.

Where are you going?

You're just trying to get it.

Just do a telephone pole.

Yeah, whatever's a telephone pole, a fence, something, whatever's the sturdiest thing I see.

Okay, so you make it there.

We'll say on your next turn, you can tie it together and fast.

Yeah, and it'll be there, and then we'll see.

And it will be taught, and you can give it one of those Bugs Bunny plucks.

You know what I mean?

When Bugs Bunny's like, boom, great.

Hell yeah.

It is Kimon Juan's turn.

Blake, so you're still in the front seat, right?

You mashed on the accelerator, so you're gunning it for a full turn.

Kimon Juan is going to try to fucking commandeer this vehicle from you, Freddie.

Okay, so a big old tentacle is going to wrap around through that little oo-oo window that you failed to ooh back up.

That was something you could have done on your turn, and then you did just

have time.

And she's actually, you know, what she's going to do, she's not worried about you for a second, she's going to reach past you and grab the steering wheel with this tentacle and whipsaw it around

to turn the van towards this pile of everybody in the street.

Jesus.

So she does that.

The whole van sort of like swings in this wide arc.

Trudy.

Uh-oh.

What thought?

Don't worry, Trudy.

That's between us, Will.

You'll find out when we want you to.

Trudy, give me another dexterity throw.

48, I fail.

So, yes, you are also thrown clear from the van now.

So now it's just Milton in there with this tentacle monster.

And Blake, as the thing lurches around, is one more turn away.

So it's two turns away from you, Francis, and she's barreling towards you now.

Oh, great.

I'm going to get Eiffel Towered by trucks.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

Yes, the two trucks are are hurtling towards you guys.

If we timed this just right, we timed this just right.

Almost like two moving objects, and I put a line between them.

Nice.

Yeah, the Devil's Triangle is a drinking game.

Jezball.

Real life.

Yeah, just put that line down.

They're going to bounce right off it.

It is now the poor dude who you knocked out's turn.

He sees this tentacle wrapped around Blake steering this thing.

He's like, oh,

and he's just going to jump out of the car.

It's Milton's turn.

Milton's pretty freaked out.

He is going to run.

We're going to do a move action with a dexterity saving throw to get through the tangle of flesh and tentacles back here.

And if he fails, he will fall down and eat shit in the van.

And if he succeeds, he will clear the van as well.

Oh, wait, no, that's an 81.

Yes, Milton turfs it in the van, basically tripping on this sort of like mass of kimonoan flesh that is now taking over the back of this fucking van.

And he eats shit and is still in the van.

Okay, it is is now Shane's turn.

Uh, Shane is looking around at the fucking chaos and anxiety and horror going on around him.

I think he's probably having PTSD flashbacks to when a mysterious assailant blew his leg off, and then a big shape-shifting monster took over the um boxing arena.

He's like, oh no, not again, not again.

He's just gonna skulk off into the underbrush, and he is now out of combat because I don't want to deal with him, frankly.

That's DMing.

Trudy, it's your turn.

This is turn one, no, turn two, because you had a turn already, or did you have a turn?

I didn't have a turn already.

This is turn turn one of your paranoia.

Of my madness.

I think Trudy is going to...

Yeah, because the only person she trusts is Milton, because, like, well, who would want to make a double of him?

That's great.

And so I think she trusts and wants to save him.

I think she's going to shoot the tires, aim for the tires and shoot them.

Oh, wow.

Okay, great.

I love that.

With which truck?

Of the paddy wagon.

Okay, great.

Give me a firearms roll.

And it's an aimed shot.

So we'll say that you're going to need to pass a hard roll to shoot to hit it.

Okay.

Because you're not just trying to shoot the vein.

You're trying to take a targeted shot.

So that's like with disadvantage?

Not with disadvantage.

You just need to get a super success.

Okay.

I got a 24.

Let me look here.

My firearms is 39.

So I don't think that's quite it.

You could burn some luck on it if you wanted to.

God damn it.

Trudy would burn some luck, but Beth, the player, knows this probably isn't going to be helpful.

So I don't know about that.

Wait, somebody do the math for me.

So you need 15 would be half.

24.

You are at 14 luck right now.

I know.

This is a tough call.

I am not going to burn my luck on this.

I'm going to fail.

Okay, so kablamo.

This big old fucking gun goes off, but the bullet sort of bounces harmlessly in the dirt as you fire it off.

We are now back at the top of the turn order.

Blake, it's your turn.

Matt, you think what I'm thinking?

Did you discord me?

No.

He was just relying on your psychic link.

I want to see if he was thinking what you guys are thinking.

Say the same thing at the same time.

No, because we didn't want you to know.

What?

Because maybe it's a trick.

A trick.

Maybe it's a rude.

You play against me.

All right, no, I'll leave the room when you guys are.

No, it's no, no, it's fine.

All right, not a room leaving it.

That was your discord.

Oh, that's not what I was thinking.

That's good.

Oh, okay.

Well, I was just going to be like, ah, tentacle creature.

I will apply the brake.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right, sure.

Yeah.

All right.

So you stopped.

You remember all you want?

I will gently and firmly depress the brake pedal.

Then that's all you're doing.

Milton's still in here.

Milton is in the back.

So I can.

So I can get out.

I'd be worried that I was the only one.

Okay, so yeah, I want to just break and get out.

I want to leave.

All right, you will slow it down for a second and then you're going to jump out.

Yes.

We'll say that you bought yourself an extra turn by slowing it down.

The jalopi's parked on the street that Timmy and BB and Francis are trying to rush into in Hotwire.

That car is dead centered between these two cars, both of which are two turns away from crashing into.

That's like a math problem, guys.

I know, I don't like those.

I'm just a mathinist.

I like everything else.

The two cars are driving towards each other two cars are driving towards each other down the streets in the middle is the rope is the rope and this car that francis is trying to hot wire to make a speedy escape

blake jump out give me a dexterity roll no problem

i've done this before hup two super duper success wallace okay you stick the landing and uh we'll call that your turn you know this as it's going it's like like it's slowed down.

I just slide out the side in the seated position, and it's just the right amount to like absorb all the impact.

I just go,

oh, I don't quite understand what that means, but okay.

Francis, it's your turn.

All right, I don't have stats that are going to allow me to hotwire anything with any degree of efficacy.

So I'm going to say, Bibi, Timmy, either of you, can you hot wire this car?

Or I guess while I say that, I could also be searching, like, you know, doing the fucking movie TV thing, like looking for the keys and stuff.

Check the thing.

Luck, roll, luck, roll.

The keys could be in there.

All right.

I have one luck.

So no.

Throw the bones.

Again, I have one luck, so I'm not going to pass.

I know, but let me give you a number, and then you're going to see if you hit it.

Oh.

Yeah.

76.

You said 53?

All right.

No dice on the keys.

Here's what we are going to do, though.

BB has a 10 in electrical repair, which is what I think this would be, which is not going to be great.

However, we are now going to roll for Timmy's hot wiring skill.

I swear to fucking God, Timmy.

87.

Okay, so he is a fucking whiz.

Yeah, so Timmy, so he has basically from his dad.

The two of you are panicked trying to like fiddle around around with this thing.

And then Timmy pushes you.

He fucking hits it like Fonzie.

Well, he has to still roll.

That's what I'm saying.

He has an 87.

He still has to roll.

Or I guess he's because he's not binary, so we decided, right?

That's true.

As the two of you are frantically trying to get this car started, we'll say it's unlocked.

Timmy pushes past both of you and they say, stand aside.

My dad taught me a thing or two about messing around with electronics.

Timmy is going to roll.

Oh,

an 85.

Whoa!

So for a second there, Timmy looks real fucking cool, and then they are not doing a good job and start sweating bullets.

And then it is like a Fonzie whack situation where like that last little bonk on the hunk of junk rumbles it to life and you now are in possession of a jalapi.

And we will say that is your collective turn.

All right, Kelsey, your turn.

Yes.

I'm going to tie the rope.

Sick.

Check it.

Wait, do you give

a Bugs Bunny Wiley Coyote pluck to make sure he's not going to be able to do it?

Yeah, because I don't want to give them any reason to.

Because then they might see me reach out and do a thing.

I see.

Like, it's dark.

I'm hoping they don't see it.

They don't quite clock what you're doing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, they just, because it's very dark.

Like, they just see me run across.

Yeah.

So, like, you know, and I don't know what the headlight situation is or what, like, you know, how quickly they'll notice that there's a rope.

You know, I think that person should probably roll to see if they're paying attention to that and any number of things.

You know, they're seeing another vehicle.

So you're basically reaching up with your tippy toes and tying it off on the telephone.

So the last thing I'll say is just double check.

The people in the back.

Are they standing up like hooligans?

Yeah, they're standing up, pounding the side.

They got their like, yeah, I don't even have to go on my tippy toes.

The average height of a pickup truck is like five feet, seven inches.

Okay, cool.

So it's like I tie it to like six feet.

Um, I love that.

Then, my movement is I'm going to run back into the middle of the street and then run away as if I'm scared of them.

Nice.

So you're running towards the

jalopy.

Okay, great.

You better drive faster if you're going to catch this teach.

Can you turn the corner and you're just like a sexy lady?

Nice.

Oh, boy.

It is Kimon Juan's turn again.

So she is now fully steering the car and zooming it towards you guys.

And she seeing that everyone's going towards this jalopy is going to like sort of steer her aim to crash it.

So this will be at the end of the next turn.

She's going to be where the jalopy is, we'll say.

And let's see, Milton's still in the back.

She knows that Milton's back there.

Funnily enough, so do we.

She doesn't really care about Milton, though.

She doesn't really want to do anything.

Funnily enough, so do we.

I guess she doesn't care.

She's not really scared of him, so she's not going to do anything.

So, yeah, she's basically gunning straight for this fucking car and she's going to keep zooming towards it.

Francis, you look in the rearview mirror and you see her.

Actually, we'll say you're facing her, right?

Okay.

And you feel her voice reach out to you in your head.

She says, Francis, come with me, and your friends can live.

Stay in the car and you're all going to die.

We'll do this one more time.

Do I feel like this thing is my mom, actually?

It's not just taking on the business.

It sounds like her.

Is there anything I can roll to like feel?

Sure, psychology.

Yeah, give me anything.

My psychology is 90.

Nice.

And I got a 45, so super success.

It's your mother, for sure.

Okay.

You can sense anger, but you sense love deep down in her voice as well.

She says, Francis, I don't want to do this.

Please.

Get out of the car and your friends will be okay.

I will take you away.

They don't have to die, but if you stay with them, I can't promise your safety.

And my special boy power is I can see through the eyes of anyone that loves me.

Mind exchange, a post-power role to trade minds with another person.

Trade minds?

Trade

minds?

Well, it also takes an hour to cast it.

Oh, well, well, trade minds.

If it didn't take an hour, I would do something really cool.

Dang, dude.

I mean, Francis is just like, no.

Like, to no one.

He's just speaking to nobody.

He goes like, I know what you want me for.

You want me to get all prego for the end of the world and shit.

and then everybody's gonna die anyway so no i can save them from that i can protect them from that that's what you sound like shut up all right try to hit the well i can't actually hit the gas i have one leg and it's a clutch car so i'm like baby hit it okay it is the guy who woke up unconscious from the thing who just fell out of the car he's just gonna run away this is too much for him he's out of combat man i'm not interested in him milton is still in the back and nobody's paying attention to him I mean, I don't know, I put it that way.

We're doing a lot of stuff.

I just mean that he's in the back and he's still in the car.

She's not focused on him.

She's not focused on him.

Good position to be in, all things consider.

He hears, he cannot see, but we'll say that similar to like, you hear her voice, but he hears her speaking in real life.

Milton's just going to run for it one more time.

He's going to try to jump out.

Get out of there, Milton.

So he is going to just make a straight sprint for the back.

We're going to, once again, give him a dexterity to see if he can make it out.

Yes, he succeeds.

He's got an 18.

His dex is 30.

All right, so he's able to run and sort of feel and stumble his way out of the back of this van.

Oh, good, Milton.

You've made it.

He jumps, and we're going to give him another dexterity saving throw to see if he gets hurt.

And yes, he biffs it real hard.

He's going to take 1d4 of damage.

He takes one damage as he smashes into the pavement and clutches at the ground.

He's like, where are you?

Where are you guys?

What's going on?

Run towards the sound of the jalapi engine.

He cocks his ear and pieces together the unmistakable sound of an old rust bucket rattling, an old rattler.

And he's going to start.

Sorry, let me stop motorboating somebody so I can turn on my jalapi.

And he's going to stand up and start staggering towards it.

Okay, Trudy, it's your turn.

Remember, protect Milton at all costs.

Yes.

This is turn two.

And Milton's running towards the jalapi towards certain peril.

I think I'm going to try to shoot the wheels out of the jalapi.

Excellent.

Give me a firearms roll.

I succeed.

Yes.

But this has got to be a hard success, right?

Yes, it's a hard success.

I also got a hard success.

All right.

We will say that you have blown out one of the four tires of this car.

Got three left.

So that's a metal door.

Huh?

Matt just said you got three left in the same way that he said in season two.

Good luck.

It's a metal door.

Good luck.

It's a metal door.

All right, so yes, one of the tires.

And then Trudy's like, Milton, get away from that car.

You can't trust them.

No, there aren't.

That's our friends.

Yes, but how many of our friends are there?

How many of me are there?

I know there's one of you.

There's always been one of you, but

I don't know who else we can trust.

Miss Truck, you're kind of freaking me out right now.

I'm freaking myself out right now, too.

As you shoot the tire, Timmy looks at you from the window of of the car.

Horvy's like, mom, what are you doing?

Timmy, is it really you?

Of course it's me.

I can't tell.

Blake, it's your turn again.

I exited the car.

The car spun around, drove away from me.

I'm just in front of a McDonald's.

Yes, you're just in front of a McDonald's.

With a jalapi, and you see me running across the street, and you see how that the rope was tied.

These are all far away things.

No, it's all

in the same area.

It's very close to where I fell out because I fell out right now.

Because it's the McDonald's flag that I use.

So you're like right out the rope problem.

Yeah, you're a full sprint away from getting to the jalopy.

There is a truck and the paddy wagon are both fixed into at the end of the next turn heading towards each other smash into this thing from either side.

Yes, the rope.

No problem.

So two cars are about to hit your weird rope.

It's not a weapon, it's just a rope.

Well, it's above the cars.

It's going to take out the guys in the back.

Yeah, they're going, or it's going to go and then they're slowly.

Oh, yeah, that ghost shit.

What am I going to do?

Didn't you get a spell too?

Didn't we all get spells?

Yeah, but it's not healthy.

This was his turn to make.

Oh, you know, actually, Freddie, you still look like the fucking guy, Brian Stokes Mitchell.

You do, just for your information.

Man, BB just rolled with it.

Nice.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

I've looked like Brian Stokes Mitchell this whole time.

Yeah.

I see the people in the truck, they're coming up, they're saying, because they think I'm Brian Stokes Mitchell, I'm going to point upwards frantically at the sky

and jump a little bit to hop up.

Like, look up there.

Look up there.

So that all the guys are back, huh?

This is their next right up.

This is classic Val Kimmer.

Why'd you guys have the TV on strategy?

Yeah, yeah.

Why'd you have the TV on?

Give me a persuade roll with with Advantage

Persue.

I don't even need it.

Five.

Nice.

Super success.

So all of the guys driving who were about to make out the telltale sign.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I want to see this happen.

They're all about to make out the rope in the road, and then they all see you, and they're like, what is what's all B.

Stokes doing?

What's B.

Stokes doing out here?

And then they all look up to where you're pointing.

They're like, huh?

What do you mean?

And there's one thing you know about B.

Stokes.

If he fucking points to the sky, you're going to be worth looking at.

Look.

You look.

He can buy those customers.

He's such a reliable look person.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yes, they're all distracted.

I was going to give them a chance to do a spot hidden roll to see the rope, but they are not going to see that fucking thing.

Yes.

So much damage is going to happen.

Good job, Blake.

Let's see.

The cars hit the rope.

Cars hit the rope.

Cars hit the car.

We all hold our turn until the cars hit the rock.

Let the cars hit the rope.

Let the cars hit the rope.

Cousin pulls out her phone and makes the first score video.

Francis is just like.

Cousin's like, this is going on lively.

So I'm going to tell BB, because again, I can't drive.

You need both feet to do that.

Just punch it and try to drive out of the path of that one.

And I say, pointing at the car my mom is driving.

Use the sidewalk if you have to.

We'll say that BB knows how to drive.

Why not?

She's driven a little bit.

Dude, she's a worldly gown.

Nebraska.

Kids are driving tractors.

Fucking, all right.

He's like, you got it, boss.

And she punches it.

Why did I call you boss?

I saw why you called me boss either.

I just like

it, but it feels like weird that that power I have, I don't want to have that power over you.

Okay, so she's partners.

She stomps it.

The car lurches forward.

It's not moving as fast as it otherwise would.

The sort of popped tire clips the curb as it lurches up onto the grass and starts driving.

Here's a part of the question.

Is the car lilting towards the center of the street or towards the curb?

I I think it would be towards the center.

Yeah, because Trudy's on the other side of it.

So, yes, it would lurge towards the center of the road.

And she's trying to turn that way because she has to turn.

Otherwise, she's going to hit your mom.

Yeah, I said turn out of the way of my mom.

My mom is presumably in the center of the street.

So she would be turning against the lilt of the car to try to go up onto the curb, essentially.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BB is going to gun it onto the fucking grass so that she can go against the bad tire and bounce up onto the grass.

We are going to give her a drive roll to see if she does not, because she's now going kind of off-road to make sure that the vehicle does not get stuck once she launches onto the grass.

And her drive is pretty lousy.

Uh-oh.

So she has a 20.

She rolled a 27.

She was her luck.

Does she have luck?

I don't think NPCs have luck.

I don't think if NPCs got to spend luck, you guys would be in trouble.

I'll put it that way.

I just don't think ever has an NPC because you bring her to life so well.

Oh my shit.

Oh, boy.

Be that as it may, I always consider her just part of the team.

I am susceptible to flattery, but not in this case.

Wait, here's what we'll say.

You are now out of the path of the two vehicles that are about to crash, but the bad tire is dug into the dirt a little bit.

Yeah.

But not necessarily an irrecoverable situation.

It is now.

Cars hit the rope.

Cars hit the rope.

Cars hit the rope.

Let the cars hit the rope.

One.

There's not a rope there.

Two.

There's definitely not a rope there.

Three.

Look up in the sky there.

Three.

Nothing on the road.

I think I forgot to put the other car, the turn order, so we're going to just have them go now or have them in Kimon want to go now.

The bison driving this

revenge truck sees as

like Steven Spielberg's duel.

Where's revenge truck?

Who do you think would win in a fight?

War horse or Steven Spielberg's duel?

Wow.

Who would win?

War Horse or Revenge Truck?

Revenge truck.

Your jalapi, as it lurches out of the way, the guy driving the truck finally looks down from the sky and sees that he's hurtling towards this runaway paddy wagon.

And he's in an infra head-on collision.

So he is going to swerve.

Here's how we're going to do this, Matthew.

We are going to give all four guys in the back a dexterity saving throw to see if they are able to hold on.

Do they get some sort of disadvantage throwing?

Everybody should get disadvantages Freddy made them look up.

Otherwise, it would have just been the same, right?

Okay, yeah, Matt, but here's what I'm going to say.

You don't want them to fail this roll.

Because if they fall over,

they're not going to get decapitated.

Yeah.

They'll still get hurt, but yes.

They're going to make a dexterity roll.

If they succeed, their heads getting cut off.

Yes.

I see.

I want them to succeed.

Yes.

You want them to succeed this role.

Character numbers have nothing to do with probability.

You're going to want to not fail this.

Yeah.

Okay.

Can I give them

advantage?

Give them advantage.

Hold on, guys.

Guy number one

succeeds his role.

Nice.

Whatever.

Nice.

That's what we want.

Oh, yes.

No, I was just doing phrase water.

Guy number two

fails his role.

But he's got to roll how much he gets hurt when he falls out of the truck.

And he's got to live.

He's in a clothesline.

He's got to live knowing that his friend got decapitated like that kid from heredity.

Guy number three.

Succeeds his role.

Yes.

Sucks to be him.

Guy number four

succeeds his role.

Yes, man.

Don't lose your head over it.

As this truck lurches to the side, the doofy one of them, Gus McDoof, goes, ooh, and he falls out.

And all three of his friends go, God dang it, Gus, you're such a dude.

And then as that happens, Gus, from his vantage point, now bottom the ground, looks up and sees three bison heads pop like champagne corks as they fly straight into this fucking

tripwire.

Gus's whole opinion of himself is about to fucking 180.

As they just get sliced clean off and then three severed heads with bison masks land on the ground and fucking.

Is that the single deadliest action any one of us have taken?

No, because actually this is the second episode in a row where three people have gotten killed in one move.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

So that's the good news.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that this truck is now hurtling towards Trudy.

Okay.

I've got a mechanic for this.

You and I run toward each other in Game of Chicken and whoever

get out.

Trudy, on your turn, I'm going to let you do a dexterity roll.

Okay.

And if you fail it, you're getting hit by this truck.

Okay.

It is now Kimon Juan's turn.

So she now sees that Francis has stalled out on the curb.

She is going to turn the van.

We're going to give her a drive roll to see if she gets gets stuck in the same dirt.

So my mom is a woman and Asian, so if she doesn't drive well, it's not going to look good for her.

Careful.

Ooh, she clutched it.

She got a fucking 15, dude.

That's right.

So fuck against those stereotypes.

Trudy, you're going to get one chance to not get hit by a car.

Francis, your team is going to get one turn to try to get out of this mud and accelerate to get out of the way of the rampaging paddy wagon that your mother is driving.

Would we also have the same amount of time to just like leave the car?

Sure, yes, or do whatever.

Milton is going to use his turn to continue to clamber towards the sound of the jalapi.

He will be at you guys' next turn.

Trudy, it is your turn.

Okay.

Let's see a dexterity roll.

Before that,

I'm not doing anything cool.

I think that Trudy stares down at these headlights coming towards her, this electric pair of eyes matching her own electric pair of eyes, and is, you know, still really stressed and scared about not only her friends maybe being doppelgangers in disguise, but also herself and this like ancestry of her her consciousness being transformed into these different bodies.

She doesn't know which truthy is the real truthy and whether she can trust herself.

But I think at the last minute, she looks in these like headlights and she thinks, okay, no, it's whether or not I'm the only trudy, it is up to me right now.

Okay.

And so then I'm going to roll dexterity.

And I fail.

Oh.

Ow.

Okay.

No.

This truck smashes into you.

This is the one come on while I'm driving?

This is the one that the bisons are driving.

So as you stare down, you try to dive out of the way, but it's too late.

And you meet metal to metal, bumper to body as this thing crashes into you with a sickening crash.

Trudy, roll 2d10.

First one is a 10.

Okay.

How much HP do you have?

I have 14, so now I have four.

All right.

And then how much is instant death?

Double, right?

If a character suffers points of damage greater than or equal to their maximum hit points in a single blow, they die instantly.

Okay.

So if you roll four, you die instantly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to be hard.

All right.

Six.

I'm dead.

Damn.

Damn.

Holy shit.

Trudy.

Well, no.

Trudy, fair is fair.

I gave Freddy this option.

If you would like to burn all of your luck and join the one luck club, I have something for this.

The one luck club.

The one luck club.

The sequel to the joyless club.

The joy luck club.

Yes, I would like to burn all my luck.

Okay.

We go into super slow motion.

You're throwing your body out of the way of this truck.

And as it's hurtling towards you, the lights getting brighter and brighter, the chrome getting closer and closer, you realize that you are not going to make it.

But your head is.

Your body goes under the wheels as you hear a sickening, wrenching crash, and your head pops off of your body, and your robot body explodes in a fiery wreck as your head, with your still conscious brain in it, rolls to the side of the road.

Mother, mother, fear me.

I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

in a world that lies twisted in my mind, and now I'm gone.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars,

swallowing my dreams and making them scars.

Too far, too far away.

But I'll stay

today.

Thanks so much for listening.

And now it's time for a little peek behind the paywall.

Here's a little clip from the new Kingdom Dad monster, which just came out this week.

Oh, and then you should encourage me to

do Beth what to do, Matt.

Beth, she's a cute person.

I'm just going to ask you for a favor.

Anything for you, Matt.

Can you?

I think it'd be good for our team if you encourage Danthy's character.

I knew your question in there.

I think it would be good.

Could you please do that for us?

I'll take that into consideration.

In addition to that clip, there's a very funny segment that we had Omar Romolino, along with a little help from Chandler Candela, do a little animation for.

Dungeons and Dads on TikTok and Instagram.

That's where you can see the animation.

I encourage you heartily to check it out.

We're able to commission animations like that thanks to our Patreon, where in exchange for five bucks a month, you, listener, you there, listener, you'll receive hours of extra bonus content and shows.

That's patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Hey, but for real though, this Kingdom Dad Monster episode is pretty great.

Check it out on the Patreon.

Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammar, Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth.

Will Campos is RDM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively.

Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Anissa Omran as our content producer, Ashen Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Els is our lead editor, and Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Our show, as you know, is supported by our Patreon, and our Patreon consists of cool people like Zeke Bartlett, Matthew Reyes, King Herder, Will Potts, Chris Wilkes, Aaron Near, Austin DeMay, Grace Fender, Douglas McNanny, James Klingensmith, Annette DeSilva, I swear I'm not an elk, Christopher Chen, Alex Motos, Adam Nemo42, Cody Hasselbring, Gabriel Sulka, Ginger, Megan LeMay, and Gilbert Lee.

Support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsandads.

Merch and more at dungeonsandads.com.

Made a YouTube video this last week.

Pretty wild feeling.

That's at youtube.com slash rocket shop.

And our next episode is coming at you October 7th.

We'll see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the stars

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away

But I stay

today

as you are we sure this is the real Kamon War

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