#466 - The UK’s Dumb Plums, The McFlurry Route and The Menutality Monster

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show.

Now according to recent studies, as a nation we are getting stupider and today's papers make for stark reading.

The Sun leads with what next for Britain's thickos.

The star, UK's dumb plums, num bum deadbeat exam cheat sheets would rather tweet than learn meters and feet.

And the mail has called for anyone arriving in the UK without a degree to help tidy the place up.

The government's response?

Backing Britain's brains.

Youngsters are going to be encouraged to expand and enhance their minds with a broader landscape of subjects, from common sense and then authence to self-defense and pounds and pence.

GCSE Cent A levels are getting a shake-up, and I can confirm that for the first time in its 11-year digital domination, Ellis and John are on the syllabus.

As head consultant for EdXL, AQA, and WJEC, I have been advising on how to make the youth of today the content creators of tomorrow and can share with you some sample questions.

Discuss the progress of Ellis' cognitive decline.

In your answer, you must make reference to

a minimum of two of the following factors.

Come reconnection statistics, made-up game statistics, increasing reliance on the Beaker people as a cultural reference, knowledge of Pythagoras, and guesstimation brackets general incompetence.

Second question.

question, what does producer Dave's rehabilitation tell us about the future of the Northern Powerhouse?

And finally, can geniuses be too hunky?

Discuss the relationship between intellect and lifting in relation to John.

Nice.

So here to shepherd Britain's youth through crisis yet again.

It's Ellis, John, and Dave.

I think there genuinely is probably a mini dock in correlations between hunkiness and brains.

I think that's quite an interesting, probably social experiment.

Hosted by John Robbins, featuring John Robbins, starring John Robbins, and written by John Robbins.

Dave, I like it.

What about John Robbins?

I like it.

A deep dive.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Televisual Goldas, isn't it?

The attractive genius.

Who

can do it?

Who can do it?

Who can do both?

Who are the leading super hunk brain boxers?

Yeah, good.

Brian Cox.

He's not a super hunk.

I think he's a truck he looks exactly like what he does yeah

he's not he's not getting his abs out I think we're talking about I think there's a certain genus qui about him with the

genus clever people with a certain genus est qui about them okay

it's it's super hunks

he looks like a physics lecturer

No,

he looks like a cool one.

Yeah, he looks like a cool physics lecturer, Dave.

Martin Lewis is pretty buff.

I'm sure I've seen him topless.

Yeah, he does 20,000 steps a day.

Yeah, this is what he does.

But when you learn that about him, I think it might take something away from how hot you find him.

Would you call him?

He does.

He's got a treadmill.

Yeah, he has.

He has.

Oh, he does it on a treadmill.

I think he does a lot of them on a treadmill.

Would you call him a genius?

John, would you call Martin Lewis a genius?

Hmm.

Depends what you mean by genius, Dave.

I think he's a bit of a.

Yes, he's extremely talented blook, and he's, you know, he provides a valuable service.

Is he a genius?

I would say...

Galileo was a genius.

I would say...

Mozart was a genius.

As Sherlock Holmes said, genius is

the

infinite capacity for taking pains.

And I think Martin Lewis fits that box better than anyone.

So I think, yes, Lewis is a genius.

Taking pains.

One's in, as in, like, making an effort.

Okay.

Oh, nice.

He makes an effort.

Oh.

And then some.

He's all over it.

And then some.

Just don't ask him about corporation tax.

He will shut you down.

I remember that when he came on.

Oh, yeah.

I asked him a question about businesses.

Yeah.

Said, no, I back the consumer.

Fair play to him.

Yes.

And he wouldn't talk to us about taxation.

I think he wouldn't offer an opinion on that.

Yeah, well, yes, yeah, but he certainly wouldn't on air because he was like, no,

I will back consumers.

I'm statutory.

Cut me and I bleed statutory rights.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

But I'm not going to give my opinion on the best method for governance.

Oh, Dent!

Riley!

They're the classics, I suppose.

Hunky Duny.

I'm trying to think of a male equivalent.

Dent and Riley.

Are you googling clever super hunks, Dave?

I've typed in hunky geniuses.

Okay, who have we got?

Just a load of articles about Hunky Dory by David Bowie.

I don't think it's quite understood what I was after.

No.

No.

Well, do you know what?

I actually find intellect sexy in itself.

So I don't actually mind what my geniuses look like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you'd have a sex with a dictionary, wouldn't you, John?

Oh,

given half the chance.

How's that going, Dave?

Did a lot of googling on this show recently.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, we should just rely on our own little brain, shouldn't we?

Yes, we should not reach our flow.

I mean, I think yours is cognitive decline.

I've conscious cognitive decline.

Yeah, thank you for the continued recommendations about creative.

I do get a lot, but I like it yeah

yeah yeah people have people people have started texting me now saying it will improve your made-up game statistics and really get on it but does that come into doping do we need a wader for made up games

i think creatine would be okay

okay okay yeah then can i get all my blood replaced every week with thicker blood yes well that would that help i don't know it'd be fun something to do isn't it it is something to do yeah

uh i've got to say john absolutely loved your episode of What Did You Do yesterday?

Podcast taught it by David O

Doherty and Max Rushton.

That's very kind of you to say.

Big fun of DOD.

Big fun of Max.

I was lacking a bit of confidence about it.

And then this morning, Dave and Ellis said, I'm his number one.

He's my number one, Dave.

And then I got my confidence back.

That's so nice.

Yeah.

In what respect?

He's my number one, Dave.

Apart from my wife and kids.

Yeah.

So, number four.

No.

No, it's not.

No, no, no.

Wife and kids are...

You actually, Dave, by always putting them at the top of the list, you ignore them.

They don't count because they're always there.

I would say they're a giver.

They're a giver.

He's my number one broadcaster.

Oh, broadcaster.

Listen to it all.

Yeah.

I even read his columns in Golf Monthly.

And you don't play golf.

I do play golf, but I've read every single one.

And his column in The Metro, now defunct.

I love it.

The Metro's not defunct.

No, no, his column, John's column.

Yeah, both of those columns are now defunct.

I've downloaded it for the train journey home this evening.

Have you?

Absolutely.

Good stuff.

Be honest, Dave.

Not too honest.

Yeah, how are...

No, because

John's extremely honest in it, and it's very, very illuminating and enlightening.

And it's a favourite podcast of mine anyway.

Yeah.

I'd never heard it before.

I've listened to this.

I think my episode might be slightly longer than most people.

It's longer.

Certainly not the funniest.

It's fucking funny, though.

I talk about Wordle.

It is.

How do you?

John describes choosing his washing machine cycle as his pain cave.

What does that mean?

Well, I don't want to go over that.

That's a good point.

Don't want to spoil it for you, Don.

I was hanging out washing at the time, listening to it, and I actually laughed out loud when he said that.

Are you talking about spin speed?

Well, I'm talking about the interplay between all of the elements of that washing property.

I've actually learned something about spin speed from John.

Yes, I've

listened to that.

It's illuminating stuff, so I'd give it a spin.

There's a lot of attention that needs to be paid to spin speed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also,

thought I'd made two new best friends, but I think I've ruined it.

Went around to pick up my daughter from a play date.

I didn't know the parents very well.

I was only really on nodding terms with them.

They welcomed me in.

I saw that they had posters of lots of bands I like on the wall.

And we had an absolutely fantastic conversation, but I didn't leave until 20 to 11.

And I think I overstepped my wealth.

Wow.

I think I overstayed my wealth.

From a play date?

Yeah, I was there at half past seven.

Why?

I had to stay for four hours.

What was Betty doing?

Tired, begging to go home.

Would you stay for dinner?

Do you sleep with them?

No.

What on earth is going on?

No, I went around to pick them up.

I went around to pick her up at half past seven.

Yeah.

And then at 10.40, I said, I'm so sorry.

I should go.

Do you think they were?

You know, I think you're all right because surely, and you're a fairly intuitive chap, ish, you would have spotted if you thought they were trying to usher you out of there.

We were having good conversations, I thought you know what he's like when he gets into an anecdote.

Yeah, it's hard to, it's hard to get him out.

It was one of my three-hour monsters, just one anecdote.

That's really nothing.

No,

what did you, what did you deep dive into, Ellis?

I mean, lots about music, yeah, and it's just areas, uh, various record labels and bands we liked.

Scenes when we were growing up.

It was really great.

But then I looked at my watch.

I thought, oh my God, it's 2211.

So I hope I haven't ruined it.

And where was Izzy?

She was at home and sexed me saying, where are you?

Yes.

What night of the week was this?

It was a Saturday night.

Saturday night?

Sacred.

Hannah would lose her mind if she thought we were, you know, watching the bear or whatever.

I know you've got to remember, isn't it?

I don't have anything in common.

That's just fine.

She was loving it.

That would be...

She'd put our son to bed, and then she was watching whatever absolute dog girl that she likes.

Virgin Island.

Yeah.

And I was chatting about music with my two new best friends whose relationship

I've ruined because I was there for too long.

Because they probably have.

I hate to rub it in because I think you want us to kind of buy you and make you realize everything's fine.

They must have had plans for Saturday nights.

Even that, even if those plans were just...

Torpedoed.

Yeah, you did.

Sorry, guys.

Like Wednesday, fine.

No, because it was

morning.

Yeah, but they would have had less on on a Wednesday.

Whereas.

I wouldn't have been there till 20 to 11 on a Wednesday night.

I think you've ruined their Saturday night, mate.

Honestly,

they would have had.

They would have talked in the day about what they were going to do that night.

Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait to watch Barbie.

You know, you can watch it for free.

Yeah, ruin the Sunday mornings where kids went to bed too late.

Yeah, absolutely.

The kids are knackered all day.

And their youngest, he was younger than my sort of daughter and her friend.

He's never been up that late before.

No,

I left it.

We left at sort of 10:40.

So by the time they've brushed the teeth, PJ's on, all that business, it's gonna be gone 11.

It's too late, yeah.

Oh, what a shame!

It would really be nice.

I like them.

What a shame.

I really like them, but I've gone, I've done it.

Me stood up.

What you could have won.

Good.

How are you, Div?

I'm all right.

Filled the paddling pool yesterday, then one of our children weeded it, so I had to get rid of all the water.

It's massive.

It took us a day and a half to fill the paddling pool.

Did you not tell them not to weed it, Dave?

Yeah, absolutely.

And I'm not going to name them because they could listen back to this.

Oh, yeah, you would.

But I think they got too excited.

And

I think what's happened here, and I did explain this to Hannah, I think this is okay to say.

This has got to be okay to say.

We kind of, there was a couple of times in Portugal where when they're in the sea, we just said, just go in the sea.

Oh, yeah.

So now they've got a bit confused in that we were so relaxed about the sea.

Surely we're just as relaxed about the paddling pool that we've taken a day and a half to five.

Do you know what?

Can I offer a curveball to you, please?

Is it a big paddling pool?

Yeah.

It's going to be pretty diluted, isn't it?

Oh, you're not getting this.

I think I tried to start to go this past Hannah.

So I would say.

Bit of

Zaflora in there.

We've already got chlorine tablets in there.

I would say.

I don't think they're doing enough of the heavy lifting.

I would say, in my experience, kid urine is incredibly inoffensive stuff.

I dare be a lot of people.

Another great chat from Ellis.

You're on an incredible run of form recently.

Well, I didn't bring to you.

I didn't bring this up to life.

No, I bought it up.

I'm trying to help you.

What about just...

Is there a way of bringing the paddling pool to a rolling boil?

To sanitize it.

Well, this is why it took so long because I'm there going back and forth from the sink in the kitchen with a big pink bucket.

You might have got a hose.

But not hot hose.

I've not got a hot hose.

Why does the water need to be hot?

You need it to be a little bit warm in the pool.

You need it to be manageable and a lim hoff.

Oh my god.

And then it got naturally warmed up.

Well, exactly.

But the sun warms it up.

Yes, but not quick enough.

If you want your kids to be having fun and out of your hair and crucially not bothering you for four hours in a day,

get it at least a little bit warm.

So one kettle in a sort of cold one.

This bathing pool is eight foot wide and four foot deep it's blooming huge right and the plan was exactly there's enough water in this dilute dude i drink it doesn't bother me

just run the water from the hose over a toaster you've plugged in

and as it drips down it will have heated

yeah that's what i didn't think about that john weirdly they should get a an electric paddling pool now it i now i say it now i hear it come out of my mouth but you get electric gillets and they're waterproof yeah but you're not they're not water why don't why don't but there must be a way of having an some kind of heated elements to the yeah paddling pool structure why don't you rub them in goose fat like channel swimmers yes dave

yes okay goose fat all over you go buy it in a supermarket still getting in your hair isn't it

swimming caps that's what that's what that's what cross-channel swimmers wear they wear swimming caps and goose fat but there was strategy Hannah thinks this stuff through.

She's got a whole week with them this week.

She wants to fill it up at the weekend because the weather's not bad this week.

So therefore, we've got it for the week.

It's ruined everything because now we've had to get rid of the water.

Kid we, for me, is not a problem.

Do you not think?

Have we gone too far here?

Should we have just cracked on?

Also, we kids, when they do we, they're really small.

They are.

They're not like hangover men first thing in the morning after eight pints.

It doesn't come out brown and has litters a bit.

It's like it's a small diluted colour of straw.

We've overreacted, haven't we?

I think you have, yeah.

Yeah.

We should have cracked on.

Yeah, I'd have been in there, mouth open.

Doesn't bother me, kids.

Well, it's empty now.

Hannah's, she pulled the plug on it.

She's made a mistake there, I think.

She would disagree with that.

She's, yeah.

She would disagree with that.

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I think.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Anyways, that's a disappointing end to the weekend for us because we're recording this on Monday.

Yes, we are.

So it's a shame.

Whether she goes again, doesn't let it slip, I'm not sure, or whether it's that's it for the summer.

Now the paddling pool's gone as a lesson.

Well, that is a valuable lesson.

It is.

They know the impact of weighing in the pool.

This is it.

What's going on with you, John?

How are you?

Well, obviously, I feel great because I'm Ellis's number one.

So that's put some press in my side.

My number one and my number two.

And then number three, we can talk.

I got some new hair product, and because I couldn't find the men's hair section in the chemist, it's woman's hair product.

And now my hair smells beautiful.

And I'm in love with myself.

And I'm like, why have I spent all my life not getting women's hair products?

Because it smells really nice.

What, mousse?

Wax?

Just an oil?

Just a sort of defrizzing agent.

Oh.

And I lost my men's one.

So I mean, I don't know why this stuff has to be gendered because hair is hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're crying out loud.

But now I just smell beautiful and I want to get off with myself.

Yeah, I understand that.

I

sorted my Taskmaster Champion of Champions outfit, and I am very pleased.

Torquers, how much can you say about this?

Nothing more than the fact I am very pleased.

Can I ask a question?

Yes.

How much of an influence on the outfit was Torville and Dean?

The Bolerios.

Sarajevo 84.

They cast a shadow.

Okay.

And my ankles are for it.

Uninsurable.

And are you Jane Torville or Christopher Dean?

Little from Colon A.

Do you know who you're up against?

Well, the other champions of Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Sam Campbell Defo.

Gotta be.

Zoltzman Defo.

So do they only do this like every four years?

Yeah.

Well, it's every five series.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So that's another positive.

Can I ask a question?

Yes.

So you haven't recorded it yet?

No.

Attitude-wise.

Good question.

I was thinking about that.

Good question.

Attitude-wise.

Yeah.

You're given a task.

Are you trying to be efficient?

A points farmer.

Yeah.

Or are you having a bloody good laugh, actually?

You've already proven yourself.

Everyone knows you.

Because you're in champion of champions for a reason because you're the champion and you're the best.

Let's keep that in the back pocket.

So when you...

When Worst Wanesee City to

win the Premier League

and qualify for the Champions League, you'd say...

Have a laugh season.

Yeah, you'd say just go out there and enjoy the experience.

Entertain.

Don't worry about goals or

set pieces or anything.

Just come back with happy memories.

I think that's what Leicester did.

When they won the Premier League.

Yeah.

I can't remember how far they've got.

Or would you say?

Yeah.

Destroy them.

The problem is.

Did you see the fear in Andy Zoltzman's eyes at the burner bell?

Destroy him.

The problem is, you are in with four other killers.

For Sam Campbell.

Yes, if he's won it.

Yeah, before.

He's got making people laugh covered.

He's winning it as well, John.

It is a comedy show.

Is it?

It's what you want it to be.

Or is it a winning show?

It's a winning show.

It's a winning-to-win show.

I'm never going to win back the 99% of Taskmaster fans who think I was awful.

No, they didn't.

Post-reddit threads will outlive me.

I don't care.

I want a trophy.

What's the trophy?

You can't put goodwill on your shelf.

But

you can use goodwill in your career.

Yeah.

I think you can do a little bit of both.

A little bit of both.

Remember to have fun.

I did have fun when I did Taskmaster.

It was fun.

You were great.

I said funny things.

You were

number one.

I am your number one this year.

Don't remove the pep from my step.

You're my number one because you're so interesting across all of your projects.

But what you are,

my John, is a blimmin' good laugh.

I am a good laugh.

I'm being blimmed.

A blimmin' good laugh.

Now let's bring some of that into Taskmaster.

I just need to check whether the things I've said about Champion of Champions are accurate and whether I have

revealed any spoile.

We can always redact a few bits and bobs.

Hmm.

Are you typing a tour of Lundine?

Problem is, you never know which series has aired yet.

So

it will be, of course,

Sam Campbell.

Yes.

Okay.

Safe.

Johnny J.

R.

John Robbins.

Andy Zaltzman.

Matthew Bainton.

so there's

so there's we don't know who obviously there are a series yet to come which haven't happened and has the season yes the lineup for season 20 has been announced okay

Annie Magliano Maisie Adam Phil Ellis Reeshear Smith and Sanjeev Baskar so one of those will be joining us that's a good lineup isn't it

absolutely a few friends of the show on that one yeah also

the very small matter of getting the wordle in one.

But you don't like that.

No, I do.

Of course I like that.

I love that.

It's my only dream.

No, but there's no skill in that.

It's just luck, isn't it?

But it's still a dream.

Okay.

However, I haven't contacted the authorities.

I haven't blown my trumpet about it because it was an assist.

It was assisted.

Did you forum?

No, God, no.

I didn't cheat.

No, you wouldn't.

There was, I just took a punt.

But that's what everyone does.

No, but I always start with the same word.

Right.

And finally, it's come.

No, which is why I didn't shout it from the rooftops or right to the authorities.

And why I'm not putting it on John Wynn's again.

It doesn't count as a win.

I think it surely does, does it not?

No, and I'll tell you for why.

It's a fairly objective win, isn't it?

I'll tell you for why.

You've lived your dream.

No, I'm an honest.

Say what you like about me, Ellis.

Say that I'm grave on national team.

Oh, I thought you said grave earlier.

No, grave.

Oh, I thought you were saying I was grave on Taskmaster.

No, you were grey.

I mean, physically grave.

Grey?

I was great.

You were great.

Thanks, Dave.

You're my number one, John.

Carry on.

Thank you, Dave.

When on the Wordle Willy World Cup, you know, obviously from about 6.30 a.m., the scores begin to come in.

It's great.

It's like watching the stock markets open.

And

usually I'm one of the first in the hutch.

So, because I'm up at like 6.30, so I word all my score goes up and then, you know.

Yeah, I discovered that from your, what did you do yesterday?

I didn't realise you were that early a riser.

Yeah.

Anyway, the other day I slept in because I was up late because I was anxious and there may or may not have been.

Oh, I've got this weird problem with the

my lampshade clicks in the night.

You know the sound that plastic makes when sunlight hits it?

Yeah, you can't.

It does that, but just on its own in the middle of the night, and it's terrifying.

But there's no sunlight.

I know,

I think it must be my ambient temperature increasing the room by one degree.

That's annoying.

It is annoying.

Um, anyway, so I superplugs in, yes.

Well, I do now, but that means I have to listen to Danny Champion of the World so loud in order to hear through the earplugs that if one of them comes out, it's suddenly like

really loud pheasants.

Next door are having a party again,

yeah.

Narrated by Peter Serafinovich.

so uh

i wake up and well the first result is already in and it's robin because he's woken up early and he's got it in two

now i think i know what robin's starter word is oh okay so this does

so it's an assist even though no even if i knew what his starter word is it doesn't guarantee me the two no or the one No.

Or whatever.

But I've thought, you know what?

You only live once.

I'm here for a good time, not for for a long time.

I'm going to have a punt.

So you took Eda with

Blumin did it in one.

Wow.

Blimming in one.

What do you do then?

Do you punch the air?

Do you...

I shared it to the group.

Obviously, me and Phil were tied, so he's given it the head-in-hands emoji.

And I'm waiting for everyone to be in so we can do a bit of post-match analysis.

Yeah, giving a hook.

So, yeah, that was good.

That is good.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Matinatus is back.

And that's my week.

Nice.

Like a mini John wins again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And is that everything?

Because obviously we don't.

That's everything.

Because we don't trust you now after leaving out the Scrabble loss last week, John.

Oh, because we've got to go.

So you didn't pay for that with Lou afterwards on the phone today.

Sorry.

No, that's fine.

And it was very funny.

It was good stuff.

It was good stuff.

Shall we connect?

Yeah.

Are you ready, Ellis?

I am.

Okay, it's time to put Ellis' cognitive decline to the test.

Can one of Carmarthenshire's better exports, Ellis James, connect with a fellow country person in 60 seconds by asking them their age and school and firing off a list of names?

It's time to find out in the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Da Philippines?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

Yes, shall we talk about form for a second?

Let's just go straight into it.

Form is temporary.

And it turns out, in this case, class is also temporary.

Let's just go straight into it.

um his form's not fantastic right now but we have seen that he has it in him to go on a tear

okay

have the approaches and angles of attack slightly improved of late do we think Does it feel like he's relying on the conditions to align with his style of connecting?

Very interesting.

That's a deep dive.

That's a deep dive.

Very good observation, actually.

Is he adapting to the wicket he's playing?

He's going to say I'm good on certain pitches.

You're waiting for the sun to come out and turn it into a road.

That's what you are.

Yeah,

Give him a school in Carmarthen, and he can slog it in his ark for six.

But throw him a spinning wicket in Powys and he's out for a duck.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi there.

Is there a lot of swing?

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

Your time starts now.

Agent School.

32 Slanish High School.

Slanish Shen?

Yes.

Okay, what do do you do for a living?

Work in advertising.

Where?

Cardiff.

Cardiff.

Do you still live in Cardiff?

Yes.

Do you go to Welsh Club?

Historically, yes.

Historically, yes.

Not anymore.

Okay, if you went to university, where did you go?

Salantan.

You're kind of a city fan.

Yeah.

Okay, do you murder my friend Dantite?

No.

He works in advertising.

Okay.

Dantite works in advertising.

Uh do you work in music at all?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

32 at Lunishen.

Do you know Ryan Marcher does the Alternative Wheels website uh fanzine?

No.

Okay, it's

32 at Lunnish.

And do you know Mike Bubbins?

Mike Bubbins is his wife Kelly Bubbins.

I don't.

Okay that's fine.

Do you know

nothing on Welsh Club?

Well he said not historically.

He said historically yes.

Yes, but I was then doing some maths.

And he's 32.

So say that's say he was going 10 years ago.

That's slightly out of my Welsh Club era.

So I'm doing maths.

It's not just questions.

I'm working.

I'm working behind the scenes.

You can't think of anyone who's been to Welsh Club in the past.

Why don't you walk into the sea and just drown?

And then, and we won't look for the body.

Why don't we do that?

And we'll assume that you're dead.

And then I'll I'll broadcast with Nish.

And then if Nish can't do it, I'll choose someone else.

And then I'll actually won't mention you.

It'll be Ellis and Nish.

No.

No best of.

No best of.

No.

And the guardian will write to me, they'll say, do you want to do the O bit?

And I'll go, O bit to who?

What, has a World Footballer died?

Yeah, sure.

Just give me a day.

Does it have to be by today?

I don't care.

And I'll go, John, John.

I'll say, John who.

John the Baptist, I'm not a Christian.

And his orbit should have been published 2000 years ago.

Well, in a way, it has because it's the New Testament.

Yeah, read the New Testament.

Print that.

Talk to the Gideons.

I don't care.

Caller, do you want to, next to this corpse we're not looking for, do you want to go on the sun lounger on the beach?

Yeah,

I think we should.

Yeah, there's confidence there.

Is there anything that you would like to steer Ellis towards?

Um,

yeah, I'd say um

Canton.

What did you say?

Canton.

Canton.

Okay.

It's a park cardiff, isn't it?

It is a ice live in Canton.

Okay.

I'm going to start off with my little sister.

I'm afraid I don't know your little sister.

Okay, that's fine.

Canton, but there are so many people living in Canton.

Are you willing to give away your street?

You don't have to.

I'm more than happy to.

Okay, alright.

So what pub do you drink in?

You must.

Oh, do you drink in Chapter Arts Centre?

Not really.

Maybe the Victoria Park.

Crafty Devil.

Yeah, Victoria Park Inn, I'd say, is my local.

I'm normally drinking in town.

I was going to drink.

Normally drinking in town.

But

I would still think of it, yeah, Canton is probably the clearest link.

Okay.

Have you ever had a birthday party at Canton Liberal Club?

No,

I've not.

You are on the right lines with people you know that live in Canton.

I mean, that could be about a hundred different people, though.

So you're going to have to give me slightly more of a clue if we're going to do this.

Does Ben Partridge live in Canton?

I don't think he does anymore, actually.

I'd go down the route of

people you know through football who you might have go to games with kuion harding

no the logistics man

um

emir harris also a logistics man no swansea away as opposed to whales away lives in canton swansea away and you'll kick yourself i am gonna kick myself i'm trying to think of who i go to watch the swans with who does i mean you give him this much info but i mean i go i go with my friend andy knack who lives in south London.

I go with my friend Welsh Pete, who lives in Mid-Wills.

I go with Ichdid, who runs the Brigen Jacks.

Bus, Nathan Schearn.

I'd think back to previous pods

and think of...

Minty.

No, not Minty.

They've had a mention a few times.

Well, it can't be Eggie, because Eggie lives in the north of England.

You're getting close, though.

Well, it can't be Jamie Flegg, because he lives in London.

I mean the conversations you're having.

Oh my god it's Gareth Guffer Davis.

It's Gareth Guffer Davis.

Because now Guffer's not happy about this because you've essentially forgotten all about him for 10 minutes.

But Guffer to me is very.

He's so swanzy in my and he works for Glamorgan Cricket Club, right?

You've not been revising, have you?

No.

No.

Because on your you should have a big wall at at home with lots of bits of red string connecting up photos and maps.

And Professor.

And Guffer is both Swansea and Canton.

He is.

He's Swansea and Cardiff, actually.

Guffer's incredibly useful when it comes to reconnecting because he, I mean, he's a communicator.

You didn't even get there with the road.

Crosses divides.

How do you know Guffer, out of curiosity?

He's now my next door neighbour.

Ah,

I saw him a week.

Well, I saw him final game season against middle.

You don't know what street Guffa lives on.

Not anymore, no.

Well, you do now, and I hope you remember.

Okay.

We've got to see positives in this.

So he's your next-door neighbour, so you don't work with him, obviously, because you work in advertising.

Absolutely staggered you don't know Dantite, by the way.

Dantite, I don't think I do know Dante.

He runs a PR company.

Extremely handsome man.

Like so handsome, like you sort of put your drink down and you feel sick for a bit.

and then you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel sad.

And then you sort of ungather yourself, and then you say, No, how are you?

He's that handsome.

No, I've not come across him.

I wish I do one day.

Yeah, it's he's got nice clothes as well.

Well, what's your name, mate?

Uh, Mike.

Well, nice to meet you, Mike.

These were unfortunate circumstances.

And can I say, I lashed out at John and I said some things to do.

Did you spot it?

He's finally got one who I wish had drunk,

Mike.

Thank you very much for your time and for your call and for attempting to come reconnect.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you, Mike.

You're welcome.

Right, we need to get him in the oxygen chamber, don't we, Dave?

Something needs to change.

We need to get him in the ice bath, we need to get him on the massage table.

Well, we don't need an ice bath, do we?

I can just get in your cold punting pool full of break.

Okay,

okay, Dave, it's made up game time.

Yes.

Fun one today.

Although, ah,

I think it's more in John's wheelhouse.

So this isn't going to do you any favours.

Well, you know what?

You never know.

You never know.

I'm in Greece when Euro 2004.

Yes.

Lest we forget.

Denmark won Euro 92.

Strange things happening.

I wouldn't say it's an absolutely.

Goran Ivanisovich won Wimbledon on a wild card.

Emma Rodicano.

Great.

What a year.

What a year.

Yeah, yeah.

Emma Rodicano, US Open.

Emma Radicanu.

Yeah.

We're going to go back into the archives.

People won the Mookie.

Yeah.

Come on.

Different.

Yeah.

Different times, different eras.

But they were big.

They were great.

She bought the album.

That Farmo turned up to an ultra-marathon in Australia wearing boots.

The Cliff Young Shuffle.

Yeah, Cliff Young.

We're going to go back to an old jingle from the archives because we get so many belters.

This one was sent in by Jake.

Two minds clash in a game of pride.

One's for Welsh, the other snife.

One love rules, the other playstream.

But only one can blame victory.

It's Robins,

spreadsheets inflames.

It's ellis

with chaos in his band, who rise who falls

to blame.

It's showing all of Robinson James.

Top jingle.

Very, very good.

Yeah,

The scores for made-up games, because LSU won last week.

John's two games to love up, leading 30-15 in the third game of the second week.

And it's Wordle, but...

For Kurds.

For Kurds.

No, no, no, it's no, it's not.

Okay.

It's not that one-sided.

Lo, let's see.

Let's see.

You could find some confidence.

and do all right here.

Okay, this one's come in.

No name, but the game is strong.

Hello, my bang-bang noodles.

I've got a game for you.

Played over many adventure to Britain's high street restaurant chains.

Those, for me, are in fact one of the great underrated qualities of our nation.

I'd agree.

I would agree.

I would agree.

And everyone will

make fun of us and say that it shows a lack of imagination.

But especially when you're a stand-up comic and you're in a different town every night, you want the familiarity and the trust that comes from Pizza Express and ZZ and and Ask and all the other ones Pizza had to taste.

But also, London, tastes the world.

That would be my idea for a slogan for London.

Yeah, it's amazing.

The amount of different flavours you can access within a mile radius of where you stood.

I want a really big Chinese meal now.

Power curry, because we're talking about curries.

Yeah, but you can do that.

Yeah, not right now.

We need to play the game.

Can I continue?

Yes.

Dose me, yes.

Great.

Underrated qualities of our nation.

This is a game which will hopefully play into the hands of any touring comic that's had a meal for one when on the road.

Oh, lovely.

It's called, Have I Got Menus for You?

Oh, lovely.

And will put your knowledge of the menus of the biggest high street eateries to the test.

Producer Dave will give you a restaurant.

Okay.

It's a simple game, but it's good fun.

Producer Dave will give you a restaurant.

With a 30-second time limit.

It is your job to list as many different items as possible which feature on that outlet's current menu.

Is this a

headphone game?

So we'll have the headphones ready.

One point for each answer.

Now, there's been quite a bit of background work here, obviously, because we've needed to almost create spreadsheets for

the menu so we can quickly be ticking these off as you guys.

But also, the great

because of the way the BBC is funded, we all

think that all pizza and

we think that all high street menus and restaurants are exactly the same

so this isn't a comment on quality

no no no this is fine we're gonna there's three rounds there's plenty of scope and scale here yeah so there's gonna be many uh

food types mentioned and there's gonna be many brands mentioned i think nundo's is as good we don't need even need to

you don't even need to do that

in a way you make it worse by doing that okay just hate nundo's

One point for each answer.

Whilst one player is answering, the other will be in the soundproof booth with some audio to distract.

So some bylaws here.

Ah, this is good because there's some crucial bits and bobs here.

If you say an overarching category of product, then that wipes out any specific versions you can then go for.

Okay.

E.g.,

if for Burger King, you say burger,

you then can't say whopper

and other ones and stuff.

Basically, be specific with the with on a menu,

you don't just say

curry, and you wouldn't be allowed to say small fries, medium fries, large fries.

You can't do sizes, can't do sizes.

And also, I mean, you could say burger, but that'd be your one, that would be the one point that you could score by saying burger on a Burger King menu.

Also, which would be crazy.

Can I throw a rule in?

Yes, we need to close our eyes because of Brad Pitgate

because he

read my lips and guessed.

Yeah, So if I'm reading his lips and he's like,

what's that?

Oh, that's

a bloody daughter.

There's your Chinese turned-up, John.

Oh, I would love it so much.

Would you?

Yeah.

Then...

Who is it?

At this time?

Yeah.

Then I'll be able to establish, or John would be able to establish, which restaurant we're possibly talking about.

And then that gives you value.

I'll close my eyes.

So I'm going to...

Even with your thin eyelids.

Yes.

So there's a rule.

So yeah, the overarching category is just a good thing to bear in mind.

Yeah.

Because you could wipe out a whole smorgasbord of food types.

Small, medium, large size variations are not allowed.

Okay.

And no drinks.

Okay.

This is.

Coca-Cola 7 upphanta.

It's exactly.

Coffee.

It just, that's a drink again.

I know, yeah.

He's just getting them all at my stone.

Okay, so the way we'll do this is who wants to go first?

I'm going to pick who goes first.

Why don't we toss a coin anymore?

Oh, okay.

Do you still have a toin?

Yes, I do.

Do you always have a coin on you still?

Yeah.

Midway through 2025.

It's great.

I just, I'm so buy back cash.

I know you do, but how often are you using cash?

Well, as often as I can.

Good stuff.

It's got to keep this economy afloat.

Yeah.

It's a quid as well.

Tails for Whale's Count 20 Gambri, please.

Haven't heard that for a while.

Have we done?

It's Queens for Queen.

I will go first, please.

Okay, and I will close my eyes because I'm honest.

Put your little headphones on.

All right, John, are you ready?

Yep.

Okay, so be as specific as possible.

Yeah.

I think once we've got the answers, we could maybe...

There could be a touch

broadening out if we feel it's close enough.

But that will be down to me.

Yes, Dave.

I'm afraid.

That's fine.

30 seconds to name as many items from...

The Wagamama menu.

And your time starts now.

Okay, bang bang cauliflower.

vegan ribs,

ramen brackets general,

fish curry, portion of rice, portion of seasonal greens,

pad thai,

noodles,

prawn laksa,

coconut laksa, tofu laxa, um thyme.

Okay.

Tricky.

Ah, I I just didn't go for deep-fried squid.

So I specified my laxes.

That's okay, isn't it?

Because they're separate things on the menu.

Yeah.

Great.

We have your answers, John.

Yep.

Now, before we reveal how well you've done, we're going to get Ellis's list as well.

Ellis!

Ellis!

Take Craig Charles off.

Okay.

Great.

John, you don't need to put your headphones on.

You can just enjoy the performance.

Alright, Elle, you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, let me just get the timer up.

Um, 30 seconds, and we're gonna start quick.

All right, okay,

30 seconds to name as many items on the Wagamama menu and go.

Uh, chicken katsu curry, tofu roisukari, uh, kimchi,

um,

the

uh, one with duck and fried egg on top of it, pad thai,

and

I would say

oh my god

rice pork

time

rice pork

that's fine that rice rice and pork at that point of the round if you feel like you're floundering just go for some broad ones at that point because that is pork yeah exactly rice pork rice and pork

great we've got the rounds in Good stuff.

We've not revealed either of the answers yet, and we can do so now.

Round one.

Interestingly, John, and I've just double-checked this myself.

No Laxa.

A wagamummas.

Will they stop doing it?

It's not on the menu.

It's not on the current menu that we've checked.

However.

You win by a point.

Ellis 4, John 5.

Rice and pork.

Ellis, Pad Thai, yes.

Kimchi, yes.

Tofu, yes.

And chicken katsu, yes.

It's a strong.

What about the duck and with the fried egg on top of it?

Duck and fried egg.

I ate it last week.

Okay, so what's it called?

What's it called?

Watch it.

Don Buri, maybe.

I mean,

I ate it last week.

I'm going to eat it tonight, Dave, and I'll send you a photo of it.

Will you send him his name?

Yeah.

We could do with the name.

It's duck

and rice.

Yeah.

And there's a fried egg on top.

So help me, God, Dave.

Right, duck, rice.

I'm going to be doing this with all my laxers, Dave, to work out if they're on the menu under another name.

What is it that?

Yeah, duh the Dombiore.

Yeah.

There is a grilled duck Dombiore.

Yes, there is.

Now.

You didn't call it that.

I I just described it.

I mean if you're gonna give me rice and pork.

No, he's not.

He's not

rice.

He's not giving me rice and pork.

I'm not giving you pork.

Well, pork brook is general.

Well, if names aren't important, let me see what is like a laxa on there.

Yeah.

Because it's just under another name.

I think it was staring you in the face, Al.

I should have said Donburi.

You needed to say Donburi.

Yeah.

And I think that is a rule we're going to have to live by here.

You need to know the names of.

Listen, you hate me.

I get that.

No, I love you.

No, I do love you.

But we've got

Mind you, hate me.

It's going to be.

It's a very odd relationship we have.

You punish me.

You punish me every week.

It's 5'4 to John.

And it's how I pay my mortgage.

Sorry, it's 6.

I've missed one off.

Oh, it gets worse.

It's 6-4 to John because we missed one off.

So what do you do, Franibe?

I'm an accountant actually.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do?

I am punished

every week by my friend Dave.

We're giving you ramen.

We're giving you fish curry.

You've got a rice portion in there.

Your greens, well done.

Pad Thai, yes.

What's the other one then, Bertie?

Bang bang cauliflower.

Bang bang cauliflowers are yes.

And the vegan ribs.

Not a thing.

Yes, I've had vegan ribs at Wagamama 20 times in one week.

To prove a point.

Have you got the vegan menu?

Because it's a separate menu.

Oh, is it?

There are vegan items on this menu.

We're going off the

game was always going to be.

Do you know what I'm going to say, Div?

You've already won the point.

No, no, no.

No, that's not how it goes.

Do you know what I'm going to say, Div?

Go on, Alice.

If this man, who I like and is my number one, is claiming to have eaten vegan ribs 20 times in one week, you have to accept that.

Now, if they've stopped doing them,

totally accept that because it's got to be what's in the current menu.

Yeah.

But are we looking at the vegan menu?

When did you have your bad week, John, and eat vegan ribs 20 times in a while?

I kamas in the space of seven days.

Because that's basically every meal.

If we're going off the Wagamama website, we have to take that as

their final and most up-to-date menu.

Yeah, but they also have a vegan menu, which is separate, Dave.

Yeah, they have a separate menu.

Why don't you just take all the same menu?

Do you not remember that week when he ate vegan ribs 20 times?

Hang on, hang on.

Wagamama stopped doing their sticky vegan mushroom ribs.

It feels good.

That's huge.

It feels satisfying.

When was that, John?

One year ago, I think.

I think.

Must have been a year ago, then.

Oh, easy.

Easy.

Okay.

5-4.

I say 6-4.

We move to round 2.

Ready for round 2.

John!

Have a little listen to Six Music or whatever else is in the open to distract you.

You've got Hugh Stevens now.

Oh, nice.

Or is it a Monday?

Is it Lamac?

John's in the zone.

Ellis, welcome to the game.

Are you ready?

No.

No.

For my punishment.

I think you might do alright here.

Oh, yeah.

What is it?

Welsh shop.

Lava bread.

Welsh cakes.

Cockles.

30 seconds to name as many food-related items on

McDonald's menu.

Time starts now.

Happy meal, uh, a Big Mark, a quarter pounder, chicken dippers,

fries,

McFlurry,

um,

a salad,

fruit pot for middle-class kids

of

veggie burger, uh, The Beyond Meat Vegan Burger.

Time.

Strong out in that, I think.

But I think he's going to absolutely

play through it.

I don't know.

No, you're right.

I always have this.

Again, within the headphones on and so on.

I bet it.

That's sunlight.

Sunline up.

Why do every pair of headphones I try are always better than my headphones?

And then I buy the headphones and then somehow when they turn up at my house, they're rubber.

Because you're cursed.

And God hates you.

And I don't care which God you believe in, they all hate you, and that is your tragedy.

God, it's been a real roller coaster today, isn't it?

But you're still, for some reason, my number one.

Thanks.

All right.

Points up for grabs in this round.

I'll be so bold as to say.

As in every round.

Oh, yeah.

Good job, those points up for grabs in this round, Dave.

Yeah.

John, Ellis has his items locked in, and I need you to do it.

Did do well.

He's doing all right.

I'm doing all right.

He's doing all right.

Okay.

I've got the timer up.

You need as many items from McDonald's.

Go.

Cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, Big Mac fries, dairy milk,

McFlurry, chicken nuggets, chicken wrap, salad wrap.

Crunchy McFlurry, Aero McFlurry, Oreo McFlurry,

Vileo Fish, Vegan Burger, Veggie burger, sausage and egg McMuffin, McMuffin, in the morning before 10am, hash brown,

barbecue sauce, ketchup, chili sauce, curry sauce.

I did not consider going down the condiment route.

We didn't have it.

All the McFlurry route, I just named generic McFlurry.

I don't think the condiments will be on the menu, is one thing.

Why?

Because they're not an item that you buy, you just get them for free.

No, they're on the menu, Dave.

Are they on the menu?

Who is they're on the menu.

Well, you think they've just slipped into a liminal space?

You think they're a mezzanine between reality and desire?

No, I think you just know to ask for a ketchup.

Yeah, but they're still on the menu.

It's like deer.

It's a nod and a wink.

It is a nod and a wink.

And a brown paper bag with a porno and a

quart of whiskey and some firecrackers.

Yeah.

It's the bangers principle.

You ask for some bangers and then they give you ketchup.

Oh, wowsers.

You're like Dave.

I'd be absolutely staggered if they had ketchup on the menu, Dave.

John.

I don't.

What, you mock.

You mock Alice.

You're just trying to get back in his good boys because you've absolutely destroyed him for 20 minutes.

I said two bad things.

Yeah, yeah.

I've said the god hates him.

No, all gods.

All the gods.

And that you want me to drown and not look for my corpse.

And if they ask you to write my obituary, you'll say who.

But apart from that.

He's my number one.

I'm his number one.

It's an arm round the shoulder and I won't look for your corpse.

Just whilst Bertie's tossing up our condiments on our...

Just look at the menu.

Stop asking my eye everything, Dave.

Sorry.

What success do they eye?

Right, Bertie's ready.

There were so many I couldn't type.

Okay.

Oh, he's won the round.

Yeah, I mean, he's absolutely hammering.

I'll just remember everything I said.

Oh, can I ask a question?

Yeah.

Do they still do the McClurry?

Because that would be huge if they didn't.

No, they didn't.

Yeah, but yes, they do.

We say text, Max.

We'll just have to listen back to the audio.

I'll go for a walk in a vape.

Oh, you're not listening.

You're not going for a walk in a, you've won the round.

But I want to know how many points.

Well, what I'll do is in your own time.

Yes, if a referee goes, sorry, I sort of stopped counting how many goals there were.

Yeah, but people, you know, VAR, DRS.

Well, you don't have the resource for DRS or VAR.

We'll let League One.

Cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, Big Mac, Fries,

dairy milk, McFlurry, Crunchy McFlurry, Aero McFlurry, Oreo McFlurry, Filio Fish, Vegan.

It just says here.

What was it?

Vegan burger.

Yeah, you did say Van Gurgan.

Veggie burger.

Hash brown, yes.

Chili sauce, ketchup.

What are the sauces?

McMuffin.

Did you say egg McMuffin?

Yes.

Well, now we're just believing John, but I do think I've got a lot of stuff.

Ketchup, barbecue, and curry sauce, I think.

It was when he went down the condiment side street that I really

got nuggets.

You've got nuggets, haven't you?

Oh, chicken wrap, salad wrap.

Yes.

I do remember that.

The solid back and forth.

The one, two.

Good.

Destroy.

Well, how many is it?

So at the minute, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

Okay.

Oh, interesting on the McFlurries, Bertie.

Are you saying there's no dairy milk McFlurry?

There's no crunchy McFlurry?

The only McFlurry we have on the menu at the moment is Oreo McFlurry.

Well, he's lost all his McFlurries.

No, not all of them.

Three of four, three of the four.

Okay, so John was naming what?

Historic McFlurry's?

I think it's Historic McFurry's.

Historic McFlurry's, that is always going to come back to bite you if you've been in McFurry for a long time.

It's two, or it's two, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I'm dealing with a fast food robot.

Round three.

Okay.

Ellis.

Get a bit of six on.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh, don't worry about this.

I've got to ask.

Other condiments on the menu, Dave.

Don't worry about this.

They are.

There are, damn it.

I really didn't think they were.

All right, John, for the clean sweep.

I sense a strong round.

30 seconds.

Let me get it up on the old clock.

30 seconds to name as many items from the menu of Bella Italia and go.

Lasagna,

canalone,

spaghetti bolognese,

sort of seafood spaghetti, tagliatelli, cheesecake,

chocolate brownie, cappuccino, only can't have drinks, bruschetta garlic bread,

caccio pepe,

children's pasta, pasta arabriata,

mushroom

linguini, mushroom misotto.

I've never been to that restaurant.

No, no, but I think what you did very smartly there was

a broad Italian.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Okay, okay.

Because also I don't think that it's.

I mean, there's so many things I could have said that I didn't say.

Oh, you did.

No, but you barely took a breath in 30 seconds there, John.

I don't want to barely take a breath.

I want to eviscerate him.

I want him to step into a furnace and have the door close behind him.

Good mates.

He said such horrible things.

He did.

He did.

He deserves it.

I do my talking on the pitch.

You do.

And sometimes in the dressing room.

And sometimes to the press.

Yeah.

All right.

We're clocking up and we're counting down.

Ellis,

headphones off.

I heard in between of my sleeper for a very long time.

I was thoroughly enjoying that.

Yeah.

Okay.

We're just totting up John's.

He's done all right.

He's done all right.

He's done all right.

Okay.

Are we on turf for John, do you think?

No, but interesting, he employed a tactic which...

He deployed a tactic.

Oh, there's always tactics being deployed.

Which I think was a smart.

Let's not discuss my tactics before Ellis has played.

Thank you very much.

And then he did say he wanted to eviscerate you.

It's just a nice bit of friendly bant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Bertie, are we ready?

For the final round for a bit of pride for crying out loud.

Absent pride.

Dad said that to me before running cross-country.

Absolute pride.

All right, 30 seconds to name as many items on the menu of Bella Italia.

Go

carbonara, lasagna, spaghetti bolognese,

tricolore salad, green salad, dough balls, garlic bread,

canoloni, ravioli,

bread, olives,

nice wine, no drinks.

Time.

You got, I think you say, salad in there as well.

Trickle or salad and green salad, Dave.

Yeah, there's a couple of spinach.

Grabs, you've got our researchers totting up in the background there.

How do you feel you did, Alice?

I did well.

All right, yeah.

Yeah.

Not as bad as McDonald's.

Thing is, if if he wasn't against

a menu prodigy as yourself, John.

Yeah.

A menutality monster.

A menutality monster, that's good.

It is prodigious.

You got nine Alice in McDonald's.

Yeah.

So it's not a bad round.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

But John is doping.

Yes.

Mow.

Yeah, a really strong.

And actually,

the only one that was wrong from your list...

It was a slower list than John's, was Chicken Dippers.

But that's what the kids eat.

It's called its chicken selects.

You're joking.

So

you could have 10 if we were to give you a 10.

Because that is what they have every time.

So I'm asking for chicken selects.

I suppose I'm ordering on the screen, and I

think you can have a ticket.

I think maybe you could have a chicken select.

I'd give you that.

So you get 10.

But Condiment Alley was something to miss.

Well, I didn't go down Bread Boulevard in

Bellar Italia.

John.

Yeah.

The scores are in.

Ballaritalia, 10.

Okay.

Ellis, 7.

Okay.

I've never been.

You've never been.

You just went broad Italian and it worked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lasagna, cannellone, spaghetti, seafood spaghetti, cheesecake, brownie, brochetta, pudding,

spider, pie, style, cold down pudding, honey.

Mushroom risotto, he squeezed in with a 0.5 of a second.

Risotto, which actually is my choice.

The problem with Bella Ritalia is I love it so much, I'm always overwhelmed.

So I can't take the microphone.

I go menu blind.

But you, Alice.

Can I

just balance out what Ellis just said.

Yeah.

The reason I don't go to Bellaritalia is because I think of all or for

rarely out for pasta.

Is it because the thing I can make at home as good.

Yeah, I'm with you.

So it doesn't feel like a treat because I'm like, well, this isn't kind of as good as I make it.

Whereas if I go for a great curry or a great Chinese, I'm like, there's no way I can make mock duck at home.

Yes.

And steam pancakes.

Yes.

Yes.

I like the vibe.

Okay.

And I will take vibe of everything.

Will you?

Yeah.

Good.

It's 3-0 to John.

I don't mind.

Everyone had to accept last year that Palison-Jaman were the best team in Europe.

There's no shame in losing to Palestine-Jaman.

There was no shame in losing to the menu prodigy.

Because it was...

It was a menutality monster.

Just to come up with it as a normal player.

And what's good with this game?

It could return in the future.

It's a good game.

I enjoyed the game.

With different menus.

Yeah.

and i like eating that so i like i just it was a fun game wasn't it nice yeah good

uh well done john uh three nor so john's two games up and it's now 40 15 in the third game of the second set in made up games

okay

okay so we go again

yeah we'll be back next week with another made-up game

but do send in your shame wells to ellison john at bbc.co.uk and we're going to read one out now aren't we daddy we are we are

what was i thinking why did i say he had nice ankles she was stood behind me the whole time i didn't know he's only got one hand i was signed in on her gmail

john's shame well

okay

um if you're listening to this podcast around for example a family dinner or if you're listening to it on Five Live in your local

community centre.

Community centre, but you're eating a sandwich

or a plowman's that they've put on to raise money for the local

or the local Britain in bloom,

then be advised.

Okay.

Hello, my cheerful kittens.

What I'm about to relate must repeat, must remain anonymous.

As this shame is so fresh, I doubt even this podcast first healing space can cleanse me of it.

I was lucky enough to secure tickets to Oasis at Heaton Park.

Through an estranged friend.

As he joked at the gig, we've fallen out more times than Liam and Noel.

And as I joked, no one's paying us millions to spend time together.

However, spend time together, we did.

That feels very pointed.

Well, no, it's just interesting that why would an estranged friend sort you out with a ticket?

Why wouldn't they go with a current friend?

Maybe they're the only friends they know that like Oasis that way.

You know the indie band Deerhoof.

Yes.

For instance,

if we were estranged, I know you like Deerhoof, and I had two tickets and it was a hot ticket, I'd be like, I should probably get back in touch with John.

Oasis, as they're...

Why have you said, what's Deerhoof?

Because I'm staggered that they're estranged, but

this person couldn't think of another person to give an Oasis ticket to, considering they're the people's band.

But

isn't it just a nice thing to do to offer that olive brand?

The olive brand.

Yes, maybe he wanted to be friends with this person.

Yeah, maybe it was one of their many comings together.

We arrived at the gig, giddy with excitement, not just at the prospect of seeing Oasis, but also at having access to the VIP bar.

Wow.

Where we saw none other than Radio X's Chris Moyles, who scowled at me when I looked at him, and a man who looked a lot like Sam Ryder.

Oh.

I'm sure you'll have covered, by way of Dave's experience, how incredible the set was.

It was the ultimate sing-along.

It was iconic.

It was for some, once in a lifetime.

And so it pains me to say that at some point around an hour into the gig, I felt my stomach send out a warning signal.

Oh, no.

It was similar to indigestion, but not too desperate, so I soldiered on, committing to the Poznan and dutifully barking the lyrics to cigarettes and alcohol.

No harm done.

30 minutes later, however, the old stomach sends out another warning signal.

This time, far more urgent.

And I find myself sliding away from the crowd during slide away.

It's DEF CON 1 or 5, whichever's worse.

By the way, it's 1.

I break free of the crowd and do the quickest, non-urgent-looking walk I can manage and head to the toilet.

I didn't make it.

Oh,

history.

I'm going to.

This is history.

I'm going to try and spare the presumably young production team's imaginations by jumping ahead 30 minutes.

All is lost.

What a line.

I've exited Heaton Park during the encore.

I can hear champagne supernova supernova as I beat my retreat to Bauker Vale station and catch an inconveniently busy tram.

While on said tram, I can see people looking at me whilst holding the tops of their t-shirts over their noses.

Oh no!

This is not representative of me as a person, I'm forced to remind myself.

Oh my goodness, me.

The tram pulls into Victoria and I blow out into the street like a man possessed.

Having shared my stench so blatantly, I can't bear to ride another tram to my final destination, so I decide to hire a Boris bike and cycle to Didsbury.

Is that possible, Dave?

Oh, from where?

From central Manchester?

From Victoria to Didsbury.

Yeah, it's doable.

Yeah, it's alright.

But I mean, it's not alright, is it, due to what's happened there?

At this point, I'm unlocking my bike and I hear my name float over my shoulder and turn around to find a close friend of my partner staring at me down the barrel.

Oh, I'm in academy.

Stinking to high heaven and and clearly panicked, I tell her I've had an intestinal issue and that she can't come any closer.

She kindly offers to order me an Uber and I reply, I don't think that will work.

Cringing, I mount the bike and cycle off.

I cycle for 30 minutes as far as Fallowfield until the bike cuts out because it's not allowed to go as far as Didsbury.

Oh, it's history again.

And I'm forced to slow march the remaining 45 minutes home where I'm greeted by a bin bag and a family-sized bottle of original sauce.

I'm guessing that's the shower gel.

Yes.

I don't expect my shame to be absolved, but I've been listening to you guys for 10 years, and if I didn't send this in, I'd feel like a freeloader.

I hope Dave's experience was much more by the book.

Well, we all...

I'm in agony.

We are in agony, and you have our sympathy.

Because

you've not put a foot wrong.

No.

This is you're not a bad person.

No, no, no, no.

There's no malice in it.

No.

And nothing mendicious.

Everyone listening will have some kind of equivocal story, just perhaps without as many other members of the public around you.

Yeah, my friend did it in a museum in Mexico City.

There you go.

For me, it's...

And

they're not going to want to be reminded of this, but it's...

Dave, don't do it.

Don't talk about how it was the best night of your life.

Well,

it's the magnitude of the event, which they probably would look forward to for a long time.

And And that's just disappointing, isn't it, more than anything else?

He made it to the Encore.

Yeah, but already if they're slipping off at Slideaway,

I can't quite remember where Slideaway is, but it wasn't the Encore.

So they've had to kind of...

Oh, it's mid-set.

Yeah, so they've spent...

The experience isn't great from Slideaway onwards, is it?

It's a half-soiled set.

But, I mean, mate, I...

I mean, you just have my total condolences.

Yeah, because

we've had a lot of...

you're not a bad person

we've had so many shame wells in a lot of the time it's good people making bad decisions yes occasionally these are very funny which is why john doesn't read them out

it's people just behaving badly There's none of this.

You didn't plan this.

It's not your fault.

You couldn't have predicted it.

Also, every single person on that tram will have been thinking, thank God that's not me.

Yeah, yeah.

So they'll have had a bit of gratitude in their day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I once saw a guy on the train being sick into one of those tiny little bins, and as he was sick, he's oiled.

And I remember thinking, I'm really glad I'm me today.

Yeah.

Yes.

I'm glad I've got my life

for the next two hours.

Because in any other surrounding or setting, they would have made it to the toilet.

But when you're in the midst of a crowd and the toilets...

wouldn't have been as easily accessible as they weren't at Heaton Park.

It takes ages to get to a toilet.

You've got to read your bum's mind.

Yeah.

No one can read their bum's mind.

No.

But anyway, thank you for sharing that shame with us.

And hey, you've put a smile on a few people's faces.

You've ruined a few dinners.

It's a very good shame, World.

It's a very good shame.

It just keeps going.

And it's well written and there's so much of it.

Because

the ideal is no one sees it happened.

You sneak out of the Heaton Park and just go and live in the woods for the rest of your life.

Yes.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, that's not been possible.

No.

Anyway, keep them coming to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Dave, plugs, mugs, and jugs.

What have we got to say?

Vote for his listener's choice, of course, for the British Podcast Awards.

Of course.

Feel free to give us a little tick.

Give Ellis and John a little tick on the website.

Keep supporting brand Ellison John.

And if I do die at sea this week, there's going to be a lot of edits in this podcast.

There's going to be a big guilty co-host over there.

I'm going to stay away from the water's edge.

If you would.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because if that is the way you go, know that you will not be remembered.

Yes, James.

He's made that very clear.

No, no, I'll write an orbit

and I'll clear it with Robin.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

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