#466 - The UK’s Dumb Plums, The McFlurry Route and The Menutality Monster

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Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins Show. Now according to recent studies, as a nation we are getting stupider and today's papers make for stark reading.

The Sun leads with what next for Britain's thickos.

The star, UK's dumb plums, num bum deadbeat exam cheat sheets would rather tweet than learn meters and feet.

And the mail has called for anyone arriving in the UK without a degree to help tidy the place up. The government's response? Backing Britain's brains.

Youngsters are going to be encouraged to expand and enhance their minds with a broader landscape of subjects, from common sense and then authence to self-defense and pounds and pence.

GCSE's A-levels are getting a shake-up and I can confirm that for the first time in its 11-year digital domination, Ellis and John are on the syllabus.

As head consultant for edXL, AQA and WJEC, I have been advising on how to make the youth of today the content creators of tomorrow and can share with you some sample questions.

Discuss the progress of Ellis's cognitive decline. In your answer, you must make reference to

a minimum of two of the following factors.

Cumory connection statistics, made-up game statistics, increasing reliance on the Beaker people as a cultural reference, knowledge of Pythagoras, and guesstimation brackets general incompetence.

Second question.

What does producer Dave's rehabilitation tell us about the future of the Northern Powerhouse?

And finally, can geniuses be too hunky?

Discuss the relationship between intellect and lifting in relation to John. Nice.
So here to shepherd Britain's youth through crisis yet again. It's Ellis, John and Dave.

I think there genuinely is probably a mini dock in correlations between hunkiness and brains. I think that's quite an interesting, probably social experiment.

Hosted by John Robbins, featuring John Robinson starring John Robbins, and written by John Robbins. Dave, I like it.
About John Robbins.

I like it. A deep dive.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Televisual Goldas, isn't it? The attractive genius.

Who can do it? Who can do it? Who can do both? Who are the leading super hunk brain boxers? Yeah, good.

Brian Cox.

He's not a super hunk. I think he's attractive.
He looks exactly like what he does.

He's not getting his abs out. I think we're talking about...
I think there's a certain junna sequire about him. No, this isn't

clever people with a certain jeunisse quar about them. Okay.

It's super hunks.

He looks like a physics lecturer.

No, he looks like a cool one. Yeah, he looks like a cool physics lecturer.
Dave. Martin Lewis is pretty buff.

I'm sure I've seen him topless. Yeah, he does 20,000 steps a day.
Yeah, this is what. But when you learn that about him, I think it might take something away from how hot you find him.

Would you call him?

He does. He's got a treadmill.
Yeah, he has, he has. Oh, he does it on a treadmill.
I think he does a lot of them on a treadmill. Would you call him a genius?

John, would you call Martin Lewis a genius? Hmm.

Depends what you mean by genius, Dave. I think he's a bit of a...

He's an extremely talented bloke, and he's, you know, he provides a valuable service. Is he a genius? I would say...
Galileo was a genius.

I would say... Dozart was a genius.
As Sherlock Holmes said, genius is

the

infinite capacity for taking pains. And I think Martin Lewis fits that box better than anyone.
So I think, yes, Lewis is a genius. Taking pains.

As in, like, making an effort. Okay.
Oh, nice. He makes an effort.
Oh. And then some.
He's all over it. And then some.
Just don't ask him about corporation tax. He will shut you down.

Do you remember that when he came on? Oh, yeah.

I asked him a question about businesses. Yeah.
Said, no, I back the consumer. Fair play to him.
Yes. And he wouldn't talk to us about taxation.

I think he wouldn't offer an opinion on that. Yeah, well, yes, yeah, but he certainly wouldn't on air because he was like, no, I'm, I'm, I will back consumers government rights.
I'm statutory rights.

Cut me and I bleed statutory rights. Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes. But I'm not going to give my opinion on the best method for governance.
Oh, Dent! Riley. They're the classics, I suppose.
Hunky Dory.

I'm trying to think of a male equivalent.

Dent and Riley. Are you googling clever super hunks, Dave? I've typed in hunky geniuses.
Okay, who've we got?

Just a load of articles about Hunky Dory by David Bowie. I don't think it's quite understood what I was after.

No.

No.

Well, do you know what? I actually find intellect sexy in itself.

It is.

I don't don't actually mind what my geniuses look like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you'd have a sex with a dictionary, wouldn't you, John? Oh,

given half the chance.

How's that going, Dave? Did a lot of googling on this show recently. Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, we should just rely on our own little brain, shouldn't we? Yes, we should not reach our phones.

But yours is cognitive decline. I've reached cognitive decline.

Yeah, thank you for the continued recommendations about creating.

I do get a lot, but I like it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

People have started texting me now saying it will improve your made-up game statistics. Really? Get on it.
But does that come into doping? Do we need a wilder for made-up games?

I think creatine would be okay.

Okay, okay. Yeah.
Then can I get all my blood replaced every week with thicker blood? Yes,

would that help? I don't know. It would be fun.
It's something to do, isn't it? It is something to do.

Yeah.

I've got to say, John, absolutely loved your episode of What Did You Do yesterday

podcast taught it by David O

Doherty and Max Rusherton. That's very kind of you to say.
Big fun of DOD.

Big fun of Max. I was lacking a bit of confidence about it.
And then this morning, Dave and Ellis said, I'm his number one. He's my number one.
And then I got my confidence back. That's so nice.
Yeah.

In what respect? He's my number one, Dave. Apart from my wife and kids.
Yeah. So, number four.
No. No, it's not.
No, no. Wife and kids are.

You actually, Dave, by always putting them at the top of the list, you ignore them. They don't count because they're always there.

I would say they're a giver. They're a giver.
You're the number one broadcaster. Oh, broadcaster.
You're listening to it all. Yes.
I even read his columns in Golf Monthly. And you don't play golf.

I don't play golf, but I've read every single one. And his column in the Metro, now defunct.
I love it. The Metro's not defunct.
No, no, his column, John's column.

Both of those columns are now defunct. I've I've downloaded it for the train journey home this evening.
Have you? Absolutely. Very good stuff.
Be honest, Dave. Not too honest.
Yeah, how are you?

No, because

John's extremely honest in it, and it's very, very illuminating and enlightening. And it's a favorite podcast of mine anyway.
Yeah. I'd never heard it before.
I've listened to it.

My episode might be slightly longer than most people.

It's longer. Certainly not the funniest.
It's fucking funny, though.

I talk about words.

It is. Funny.

John describes choosing his washing machine cycle as his pain cave.

What does that mean? Well, I don't want to go over it. That's a good point.
Don't want to spoil it for you, David.

I was hanging out washing at the time, listening to it, and I actually laughed out loud when he said that. Are you talking about spin speed?

I'm talking about the interplay between all of the elements of washing machine.

I've actually learned something about spin speed from John.

Yes, I've

listened

it's illuminating stuff, so I'd give it a spin.

There's a lot of attention that needs to be paid to spin speed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also,

thought I'd made two new best friends, but I think I've ruined it.

Went around to pick up my daughter from a play date. I didn't know the parents very well.
I was only really on nodding terms with them. They welcomed me in.

I saw that they had posters a lot of bands I like on the wall. And we had an absolutely fantastic conversation, but I didn't leave until 20 to 11.
And I think I overstepped my wealth. Wow.

I think I overstayed my wealth. From a play date.
Yeah, I was there at half past seven.

I've been staying for four hours.

What did Betty do?

Tired, begging to go home.

You just left for dinner. Did you sleep with them? No.

What on earth is going on?

No, I went around to pick them up.

I went around to pick them up at half past seven. Yeah.
And then at 10.40, I said, I'm so sorry. I should go.

Do you think they were? You know, I think you're all right because surely, and you're a fairly intuitive chap,

you would have spotted if you thought they were trying to usher you out of there.

We were having good conversations, I thought. You know what he's like when he gets into an anecdote? Yeah.

It's hard to get him out. It was one of my three-hour monsters.
Just one anecdote. That's really no.

What did you deep dive into, Ellis? And

a lot about music. Yeah.
And it's just what areas.

Various record labels and bands we liked. Scenes when we were growing up.

It was really great. But then I looked at my watch.
I thought, oh, my God, it's 22.11, so I hope I haven't ruined it. And where was Izzy? She was at home and texted me saying, where are you? Yes.

What night of the week was this? It was a Saturday night. Saturday night?

Sacred.

Hannah would lose her mind if she thought we were, you know, watching the bear or whatever.

I know you've got to remember, isn't it? I don't have anything in common. That is fine.
She was living it. That would be.

She'd put our son to bed, and then she would she was watching whatever absolute dog girl that she likes, Virgin Island.

And I was chatting about music with my two new best friends whose relationship I've

ruined because I was there for too long. Because they probably have.

I hate to rub it in because I think you want us to kind of buy you and make you realize everything's fine.

They must have had plans for Saturday nights. Even that, even if those plans were just.
Torpedoed. Yeah, you did.
Sorry, guys. like wednesday fine no

yeah but they would have had less on on a wednesday whereas i wouldn't have been there till 20 to 11 on a wednesday night i think you've ruined their saturday night mate

honestly

they would have had they would have talked in the day about what they were going to do that night yeah oh i can't wait to watch barbie even though it's it's you can watch it for free yeah ruin the sunday mornings where kids went to bed too late yeah absolutely the kids are knackered all day

on their youngest he was younger than my sort of daughter and her friend

He's never been up that late before. No.

I left it. We left at sort of 10.40.
So by the time they've brushed their teeth, PJ's on, all that business, it's going to be gone 11. It's too late.
Yeah. Oh, what a shame.
It was really nice.

I like them. What a shame.
I really like them. But

I've done it. Yeah.

What you could have won.

Good. How are you, Div? I'm all right.

Filled the paddling pool yesterday, then one of our children weeded in it, so we had to get rid of all the water.

um it was it's massive it took us a day and a half to fill the paddling pool did you not tell them not to wean it dave yeah absolutely and i'm not going to name them because they could listen back to this oh yeah you would whatever but i think they got too excited and i think i think what's happened here and i did explain this to hannah i think this is okay to say this has got to be okay to say um

we kind of there was a couple of times in portugal where when they're in the sea we just said just go in the sea oh yeah

so now they've got a bit confused in that we were so relaxed about the sea. Surely we're just as relaxed about the paddling pool that we've taken a day and a half to seven.
Do you know what?

Can I offer a curveball to you, please? Is it a big paddling pool? Yeah. It's going to be pretty diluted, isn't it?

You're not getting this. I think I tried to start to get this past Hannah.
So I would say.

Bit of Zaflora in there. We've already got chlorine tablets in there.
I would say. I don't think they're doing enough of the heavy lifting.

I would say, in my experience, kid urine is incredibly inoffensive stuff.

i dare be another great chat from ellis you're on an incredible run of form recently

i didn't bring it i didn't bring this up did i no i bought it i'm trying to help you what about just because is there a way of bringing the paddling pool to a rolling boil

well this is why it took so long because i'm there going back and forth from the sink in the kitchen with a big pink bucket you mad got hose but not hot hose i've not got a hot hose why Why does the water need to be hot?

You need it to be a little bit more. It's a little bit in the pool.

You need it to be manageable and not lim hoff.

And then

it got naturally warmed up. What exactly was it?

But the sun melts it up.

Yes, but not quick enough. If you want your kids to be having fun and out of your hair and crucially not bothering you for four hours in a day,

get it at least a little bit warm. So one kettle in a sort of cold one.
This bathing pool is eight foot wide and four feet foot deep. It's blooming huge.
Right.

And the plan was exactly there's enough water in this dilute dude. I drink it.
It doesn't bother me.

Just run the water from the hose over a toaster you've plugged in

and as it drips down it will have heated.

Yeah that's what I didn't think about that John Weirdley. They should get an electric paddling pool.

Now I say it.

Now I hear it come out of my mouth. You get electric gillets and they're waterproof.
Yeah, but you're not they're not water. Why don't why don't

but there must be a way of having some kind of heated elements to the paddling pool structure. Why don't you rub them in goose fat like channel swimmers? Yes, Dave.

Yes, okay.

Goose fat all over. You could buy it in a supermarket.
Still getting in your hair, isn't it? Oh, swimming caps.

That's what cross-channel swimmers wear. They wear swimming caps and goose fats.
But there was strategy. Hannah thinks this stuff through.
She's got a a whole week with them this week.

She wanted to fill it up at the weekend because the weather's not bad this week. So, therefore, we've got it for the week.
It's ruined everything because now we've had to get rid of the water.

Kid we, for me, is not a problem. Do you not think? Have we gone too far here? Should we have just cracked on? Also, we, kids, when they do we, they're really small.

They are, they're not like hangover men first thing in the morning after eight pints. It doesn't come out brown and his litters a bit.

It's like it's a small, diluted colour of strawn. We've overreacted, haven't we? I think you have, yeah.
Yeah, we should have cracked on. Yeah, I'd have been in there, mouth open.

Doesn't bother me, kids.

Well, it's empty now. Hannah's, she pulled the plug on it.
She's made a mistake there, I think.

She would disagree with that. She's yeah, she would have disagree with that.
Throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I think. Yeah.
Well, yeah.

Anyways, that's a disappointing end to the weekend for us because we're recording this on Monday. Yes, we are.

So it's a shame. Whether she goes again, doesn't let it slip, I'm not sure, or whether it's that's it for the summer.
Now the paddling pool's gone as a lesson. Well, that is a valuable lesson.
It is.

Because they know the impact of weighing in the pool. This is it.
What's going on with you, John? How are you?

Well, obviously, I feel great because I'm Ellis's number one. So that's putting that in my side.
My number one and my number two. And then number three, we can talk.

I got some new hair product, and because I couldn't find the men's hair section in the chemist, it's woman's hair product. And now my hair smells beautiful.
And I'm in love with myself.

And I'm like, why have I spent all my life not getting women's hair products? Because it smells really nice. What, mousse wax? Just an oil, just a sort of de-frizzing agent.

Oh, and I lost my men's one. So, I mean, I don't know why this stuff has to be gendered because hair is hair

for crying out loud.

But now I just smell beautiful and I want to get off with myself. Yeah, I understand that.

I

sorted my Taskmaster Champion of Champions outfit and I am very pleased. Torquers, how much can you say about this? Nothing more than the fact I am very pleased.
Can I ask a question? Yes.

How much of an influence on the outfit was Torville and Dean?

The Belarus. Sarajevo 84.

They cast a shadow. Okay.

And my ankles are for it. Uninsurable.
And are you Jane Torville or Christopher Dean?

Little from Colon A.

Do you know who you're up against? Well, the other champions of Taskmaster. Yeah.

Sam Campbell Defo. Gotta be.
Zaltzman Defo. So do they only do this like every four years? Yeah.
Well, it's every five series.

Right. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.

So that's another positive. Can I ask a question? Yes.

So you haven't recorded it yet? No.

Attitude-wise.

Good question. I was thinking about that.
Good question. Attitude-wise.
Yeah. You're given a task.

Are you trying to be efficient? A points farmer. Yeah.

Or are you having a bloody good laugh, actually? You've already proven yourself. Everyone knows you.

Because you're in Champion of Champions for a reason because you're the champion and you're the best. Let's keep that in the back pocket.
So when you, when worst onesie city to

win the Premier League and qualify for the Champions League.

You'd say... Have a laugh season.
Yeah, you'd say just go out there and enjoy the experience. Enter.

Don't worry about goals or

set pieces or anything. Just come back with happy memories.
I think that's what Leicester did

when they won the Premier League. Yeah.
I can't remember how far they've got. Or would you say

destroy them?

The problem is. When you see the fear in Andy Zoltzmann's eyes at the Bernabelle,

Destroy him. The problem is, you are in with four other killers.

For Sam Campbell. Yes, if he's won it.
Yeah, before.

He's got making people laugh covered.

He's winning it as well, John.

It is a comedy show. Is it? It's what you want it to be.
Or is it a winning show? It's a winning show. It's a winning-to-win show.

I'm never going to win back the 99% of Taskmaster fans who think I was awful. No, they didn't.
Those Reddit threads will outlive me.

I don't care. I want a trophy.

What's the trophy? You can't put goodwill on your shelf.

But

you can use goodwill in your career. Yeah.

I think you can do a little bit of both. A little bit of both.

Remember to have fun.

I did have fun when I did Taskmaster. It was fun.

You were great. I said funny things.
You were funny. I'm number one.

I am your number one. Don't remove the pep from my step.

You're my number one because you're so interesting across all of your projects.

But what you are,

my John, is a blimmin' good laugh. I am a good laugh.
I'm being good. A blimmin' good laugh.
Now, this brings some of that into Taskmaster.

I just need to check whether the things I've said about Champion of Champions are accurate and whether I have

revealed any spoile.

We can always redact a few bits and bobs.

Hmm.

Are you typing a tour blunde? Problem is, you never know which series has aired yet.

So

it will be, of course,

Sam Campbell. Yes.
Okay. Safe.

Johnny J.R. John Robbins.

Andy Zaltzman.

Matthew Bainton. So there's.

So there's. We don't know who.
Obviously, there are series yet to come. Got haven't happened.
And has the season. Yes.

The lineup for season 20 has been announced. Okay.

Annie Magliano, Maisie Adam, Phil Ellis, Reese Shearsmith, and Sanjeev Baskar. So one of those will be joining us.
That's a good lineup, isn't it?

Absolutely. A few friends of the show on that one.
Yeah.

Also,

the very small matter of getting the Wordle in one.

But you don't like that. No, I do.
Of course I like that. I love that.
It's my only dream. No, but there's no skill in that.
It's just luck, isn't it? Yeah, it's still a dream. Okay.

However, I haven't contacted the authorities. I haven't blown my trumpet about it because it was an assist.
It was assisted.

Did you go on a forum? No, God, no. I didn't cheat.
No, you wouldn't. There was, I just took a punt.

But that's what everyone does no but i always start with the same word right and finally it's come true no which is why i didn't shout it from the rooftops or right to the authorities and why i can't i'm not putting it on john wins again doesn't count as a win

i think it surely does does it not no and i'll tell you for why it's a fairly objective win isn't it i'll tell you for why you've lived your dream no i'm an honest say what say what you like about me ellis say that i'm grave on national

i thought you said grave earlier. No, grave.
Oh, I thought you were saying I was grave on Taskmaster. No, you were grey.
I mean, physically grave. Grey? I was great.
You were great. Thanks, Dave.

You're my number one, John. Carry on.
Thank you, Dave. When on the Wordle Willy Will Cup, no, obviously from about 6.30 a.m., the scores begin to come in.
It's great.

It's like watching the stock markets open.

And

usually I'm one of the first in the hutch.

So, because I'm up at like 6.30, so I word all my score goes up. And then, you know.
Yeah, I discovered that from your what did you do yesterday? I didn't realise you were that early a riser. Yeah.

Anyway, the other day I slept in because I was up late because I was anxious. And there may or may not have been.
Oh, I've got this weird problem with the

my lampshade clicks in the night.

You know the sound that plastic makes when sunlight hits it? Yeah, you go. It does that, but just on its own in the middle of the night, and it's terrifying.

But there's no sunlight in the middle of the night. I think it must be my ambient temperature increasing the room by one degree.
Oh, that's annoying. It is annoying.
Anyway, so I superplugs in. Yes.

Well, I do now, but that means I have to listen to Danny Champion of the World so loud in order to hear through the earplugs that if one of them comes out, it's suddenly like

really loud pheasants.

Next door are having a party again.

Yeah, narrated by Peter Serafinovich.

So

I wake up and the first result is already in and it's Robin because he's woken up early and he's got it in two.

Now I think I know what Robin's starter word is. Oh, okay.
So this does.

So it's an assist. Even though, even if I knew what his starter word is, it doesn't guarantee me the two.
No. Or the one.
No. Or whatever.
But I've thought, you know what?

You only live once.

I'm here for a good time, not for a long time. I'm going to have a punt.

So you took her away.

Blummin did it in one.

Wow. Blummin in one.
What do you do then? Do you punch the air? Do you...

I shared it to the group. Obviously, me and Phil were tied, so he's given it the head-in-hands emoji.
And I'm waiting for everyone to be in so we can do a bit of post-match analysis.

Yeah, giving it a hook. So, yeah, that was good.
That is good. It's good, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah. And Matinatus is back.
And that's my week. Nice.
I can mini John wins again. Yeah.
Yeah.

And is that everything? Because obviously we don't. That's everything.
Because we don't trust you now after leaving out the Scrabble loss last week, John. Oh, because you're not.

You didn't pay for that with Lou afterwards on the phone too.

Sorry. No, that's fine.
And it was very funny. It was good stuff.
It was good stuff.

Shall we connect? Yeah.

Are you ready, Ellis? I am.

Okay, it's time to put Ellis's cognitive decline to the test.

Can one of Carmarthenshire's better exports, Ellis James, connect with a fellow country person in 60 seconds by asking them their age and school and firing off a list of names?

It's time to find out in the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffodils? No.

Come on, mate. You must do no.
We've never met

at all.

Yes, shall we talk about form for a second? Let's just go straight into it. Form is temporary.
Let's just go straight into it. And it turns out, in this case, class is also temporary.

Let's just go straight into it.

His form's not fantastic right now but we have seen that he has it in him to go on a tear

okay

have the approaches and angles of attack slightly improved of late do we think Does it feel like he's relying on the conditions to align with his style of connecting? Very interesting.

That's a deep dive. That's a deep dive.
Very good observation, actually. Is he adapting to the wicket he's playing? I'm just going to say I'm good on certain pitches.

You're waiting for the sun to come out and turn it into a road. That's what you are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a school in Carmarthen, and he can slog it in his ark for six.

But throw him a spinning wicket in Powys and he's out for a duck.

We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello.

Hello. Hi there.
Is that a lot of swing? The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

Your time starts now. Edge School.

32 Slanish High School. Slanish Shen?

Yes. Okay, what do you do for a living?

Work in advertising. Where?

Cardiff. Cardiff.
Do you still live in Cardiff? Yes.

Do you go to Welsh Club?

Historically, yes. Historically, yes.

Not anymore. Okay, if you went to university, where did you go?

Salantan.

You're kind of city fan. Yeah.

Okay, do you murder my friend Dantite?

No. He works in advertising.
Okay.

Dantite works in advertising.

Do you work in music at all?

No.

Okay, that's fine. 32 Lunnish and do you know Ryan Marcher does the Alternative Wheels website fanzine?

No. Okay, it's

32 Lunnish. And do you know Mike Bubbins? Mike Bubbins is his wife, Kelly Bubbins.
I don't. Okay, that's fine.
Do you know?

Nothing on Welsh Club.

Well, he said not historically. He said historically, yes.

Yes, but I was then doing some maths and he's 32. So say that's say he was going 10 years ago.
That's slightly out of my Welsh Club era. So I'm doing maths.
It's not just questions. I'm working.

I'm working behind the scenes. I can't think of anyone who's been to Welsh Club in the past.
Why don't you walk into the sea and just drown? And then, and we won't look for the body.

Why don't we do that?

And we'll assume that you're dead. And then I'll broadcast with Nish.

And then if Nish can't do it, I'll choose someone else.

And then I'll actually won't mention you. It'll be Ellis and Nish.

No best of. No best of.
No.

And the guardian will write to me and they'll say, Do you want to do the Obit? And I'll go, Obit to who?

What, has I watched footballer died? Yeah, sure. Just give me a day.
Does it have to be by today? I don't care.

And I'll go, John, John. I'll say, John who.
John the Baptist, I'm not a Christian.

And

his obit should have been published 2,000 years ago. Well, in a way, it has.
It's the New Testament.

Yeah, read the New Testament. Print that.

Talk to the Gideons. I don't care.
Caller,

do you want to, next to this corpse we're not looking for, do you want to go on the sun lounger on the beach?

Yeah,

I think we should.

There's confidence there.

Is there anything that you would like to steer Ellis towards?

Yeah, I'd say um

Canton.

What did you say? Canton, Canton, okay, it's a part of Cardiff, isn't it? It is a I live in Canton.

Okay, uh, I'm gonna start off with my little sister. I'm afraid I don't know your little sister.
Okay, that's fine. Canton, but there are so many people living in Canton.

Are you willing to give away your street?

Um,

you don't have to.

Uh,

I'm more than happy to. Okay, alright.
So, what pub do you drink in? You must. Oh, do you drink in Chapter Art Centre?

Not really. Maybe the Victoria Parkinson's

Crafty Devil.

Yeah. Victoria Park Inn, I'd say, is my local.
I normally drink in town if I was going to drink. Normally drinking in town.

But

I would still think, yeah, Canton is probably the clearest link.

Okay.

Have you ever had a birthday party at Canton Liberal Club?

No,

I've not.

You are on the right lines with people you know that live in Canton. I mean, that could be about a hundred different people, though.

So you're going to have to give me slightly more of a clue if we're going to do this. Does Ben Parchers live in Canton? I don't think he does anymore, actually.

I'd go down the route of

people you know through football who you might have go to games with. Guion Harding.

No. The logistics man.

Emir Harris. Also a logistics man.
No, Swansea away as opposed to Wales away. Lives in Canton, Swansea Away.

And you'll kick yourself. I am going to kick myself.
I'm trying to think of who I go to watch the Swans with.

I mean, you give him this much info. But I mean,

I go with my friend Andy Nak, who lives in South London. I go with my friend Welsh Pete, who lives in Mid-Wales.
I go with Ichdid, who runs the Brigen Jacks. Bus Nathan Schern.

I think back to previous pods

and think of... I think Minty.

No, not Minty.

They've had a mention a few times. Well, it can't be Eggie, because Eggie lives in the north of England.
We're getting close, though. Well, it can't be Jamie Flegg, because he lives in London.

I mean, the conversations you have. Oh, my God, it's Gareth Guffer Davis.
It's Gareth Guffer Davis.

Because now Guffer's not happy about this because you've essentially forgotten all about him for 10 minutes. But Guffer, to me, is very...

He's so swansey in my mind. And he works for Glamorgan Cricket Club, right?

You've not been revising, have you? No. No.

Because on your... You should have a big wall at home with lots of bits of red string connecting up photos and maps.
Like a man professor. And Guffer is both Swansea and Canton.
He is.

He's Swansea and Cardiff, actually. Guffer is incredibly useful when it comes to reconnecting because he...
I mean, he's a communicator.

You didn't even get there with the road. Crosses divides.

How do you know Guffer out of Curiosity?

He's now my next door neighbor. Ah, I saw him a week ago.
Well, I saw him final game that season against me.

You don't know what street Guffa lives on. Not anymore, no.
We do now, and I hope you remember. Okay.

We've got to see positives in this. So he's your next-door neighbour, so you don't work with him, obviously, because you work in advertising.
Absolutely staggered you don't know Dantite, by the way.

Dantite, I don't think I do know Dantite.

He runs a PR company. Lovely, extremely handsome man.

Like so handsome, like you sort of put your drink down and you feel sick for a bit.

And then you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel sad. And then you sort of ungather yourself, and then you say, No, how are you? He's that handsome.

No, I've not come across him.

I wish I do one day. Yeah,

he's got nice clothes as well. Well, what's your name, mate? Mike.
Well, nice to meet you, Mike.

These were unfortunate circumstances. And can I say I lashed out at John and I said some things that didn't?

You had to spot it.

He's my number one who I wish had drowned.

Mike. Thank you very much for your time and for your call and for attempting to come reconnect.
Thank you, Ad.

Thank you, Mike. You're welcome.
Right, we need to get him in the oxygen chamber, don't we, Dave? Something needs to change. We need to get him in the ice bath.

We need to get him on the massage table. Well, we don't need an ice bath, do we? I can just get in your cold pundling pool for a week.

Okay,

okay. Dave, it's made up game time.
Yes.

Fun one today.

Although, ah,

I think it's more in John's wheelhouse. So this isn't going to do you any favours.

Well, do you know what? You never know. You never know.

And Greece won Euro 2004. Yes.

Blessed we forget. Denmark won Euro 92.
Strange things happen. I wouldn't say it's an absolutely.

Goran Ivanisevich won Wimbledon on a wild card. He did.
Emma Radicanu. Great.
What a year. What a year.
Yeah, yeah. Emma Rodocano, U.S.
Open. Emma Radicano.
Yeah.

We're going to go back into the archives. People won the Mookie.

Yeah.

Come on. Different.
Yeah. Different times, different eras.
But they were big.

They were great. I actually bought the album of the shop.
That Farmo turned up to an ultra-marathon in Australia wearing boots. The Cliff Young Shuffle.
Yeah. Cliff Young.

We're going to go back to an old jingle from the archives because we get so many belters. This one was sent in by Jake.

Come and play games

made up by you.

Two minds clash in a game of pride.

One's for Welsh, the other's sny.

One loves rules, the other plays,

but only one can play victory.

It's Robinson spreadsheets and flames. It sellers

with chaos in his pen. Full rise who falls.
Who's the blame? It's showing love for Robinson James.

Top jingle. Very, very good.
Yeah. Immaculate.
The scores for made-up games, because LSU won last week.

John's two games to love up, leading 30-15 in the third game of the second.

Is it called Curdle? And it's Wordle, but... For Kurds.
For Kurds.

No, no, no. No, it's not.

It's not that one-sided.

Let's see. Let's see.

You could...

You could find some confidence

and do alright here. Okay, this one's come in.
No name, but the game is strong. Hello, my bang-bang noodles.
I've got a game for you.

Played over many adventure to Britain's high street restaurant chains. Those, for me, are in fact one of the great underrated qualities of our nation.
I'd agree. I would agree.

I would agree.

And everyone will

make fun of us and say that it shows a lack of imagination. But especially when you're a stand-up comic and you're in a different town every night, you want...

the familiarity and the trust that comes from Pizza Express and ZZ and Ask and all the other ones, Pizza Hats, etc.

But also,

London, tastes the world.

That would be my idea for a slogan for London. Yeah, it's amazing.

The amount of different flavours you can access within a mile radius of where you stood.

I want a really big Chinese meal now. Oh, a curry, because we were talking about curries.
Yeah. Yeah, but you can do that.

Yeah, not right now. We need to play the game.

Can I continue? Yes.

Dose me. Yes.
Great. Underrated qualities of our nation.
This is a game which will hopefully play into the hands of any touring comic that's had a meal for one when on the road. Oh, lovely.

It's called, have I got menus for you? Oh, lovely.

And will put your knowledge of the menus of the biggest high street eateries to the test. Producer Dave will give you a restaurant.
Okay. It's a simple game, but it's good fun.

Producer Dave will give you a restaurant. With a 30-second time limit, it is your job to list as many different items as possible which feature on that outlet's current menu.
Is this a

headphone game? So we'll have the headphones ready. One point for each answer.
Now, there's been quite a bit of background work here, obviously, because we've needed to almost create spreadsheets for

the menu so we can quickly be ticking these off as you guys. But also, the great

because of the way the BBC is funded, we all

think that all pizza and

we think that all high street menus and restaurants are exactly the same. What are you doing? So, this isn't a comment on quality.

No, this is fine. We're going to.
There's three rounds. There's plenty of scope and scale here.
So, there's going to be many

food types mentioned, and there's going to be many brands mentioned. I think Nundo's is as good.
We don't even need to.

We don't even need to do that.

In a way, you make it worse by doing that. Okay.
Just hate Nando's.

One point for each answer. answer.
Whilst one player is answering, the other will be in the soundproof booth with some audio to distract. So some bylaws here.

Ah, this is good because there's some crucial bits and bobs here.

If you say an overarching category of product, then that wipes out any specific versions you can then go for.

E.g.,

if for Burger King, you say burger.

You then can't say whopper

and other ones and stuff. Basically, be specific with the with on a menu.
I understand that. Yeah, don't you say

curry. And you wouldn't be allowed to say small fries, medium fries, large fries.
Can't do sizes. Can't do sizes.

And also, I mean, you could say burger, but that'd be your one, that'd be the one point that you could score by saying burger on a Burger King menu. Also, which would be crazy.
Can I throw a rule in?

Yes, we need to close our eyes because of Brad Pitgate.

Because he

read my lips and guessed. Yeah.
So if I'm reading his lips lips and he's like,

what's that? Oh, that's a little bloody daughter. There's a Chinese turned up, John.
Oh, I would love it so much. Would you? Yeah.

Then... Who is it?

At this time? Yeah. Then I'll be able to establish, or John would be able to establish, which restaurant we're possibly talking about, and then that gives you value back.
I'll close my eyes.

So I'm gonna even with your thin eyelids. Yes.

So there's a rule. So yeah, the overarching category is just a good thing to bear in mind.
Yeah. Because you could wipe out a whole smorgasbord of food types.

Small, medium, large size variations are not allowed. Okay.
And no drinks. Okay.

This is coffee. Coca-Cola 7 upphanta.
It's exactly.

Coffee. It just...
No, it's a drink again. I know, yeah.

He's just getting them all up my system.

Okay, so the way we'll do this is who wants to go first? I'm going to pick who goes first. Why don't we toss a coin anymore?

Okay.

Do you still have it?

Yes, I do. Do you always have a coin on you still? Yeah.
Midway through 2025. It's great.
I'm sorry. We write back cash.
I know you do, but how often are you using cash? Well, as often as I can.

Good stuff. I've just got to keep this economy afloat.
Yeah.

It's a quid as well.

Tales for Wales can funny gumry, please. I haven't heard that for a while.
Have we done?

It's Queens for Queen.

I will go first, please. Okay, and I will close my eyes because I'm honest.
And put your little headphones on.

All right, John, you ready? Yep. Okay, so be as specific as possible.
Yeah. I think once we've got the answers, we could maybe...
It could be a touch

broadening out if we feel it's close enough. But that will be down to me.
Yes, Dave. I am afraid.
That's fine.

30 seconds to name as many items from

the Wagamama menu. And your time starts now.
Okay. Bang Bang cauliflower.

Vegan ribs.

ramen brackets general,

fish curry, portion of rice, portion of seasonal greens,

pad thai, noodles,

prawn laksa,

coconut laksa,

tofu laksa,

thyme.

Okay.

Tricky.

I didn't go for deep-fried squid. So I specified my laxes.
That's okay, isn't it? Because they're separate things on the menu.

Great.

We have your answers, John. Now, before we reveal how well you've done, we're going to get Ellis's list as well.
Ellis!

Ellis!

Take Craig Charles off. Okay.

Great.

John, you don't need to put your headphones on. You can just

enjoy the performance. All right, Al, you ready? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, let me just get the timer up.

30 seconds, and we're gonna start quick. All right, okay,

30 seconds to name as many items on the wagamama menu and go. Uh, chicken katsu curry, tofu roisukari, uh, kimchi,

um,

the

uh, one with duck and fried egg on top of it, pad thai,

and

I would say,

oh my god.

Rice. Pork.

Time.

Rice, pork.

That's fine. Rice.
Rice and pork. At that point of the round, if you feel like you're floundering, just go for some broad ones at that point.
That is pork. Yeah, exactly.
Rice, pork. Rice and pork.

Great. We've got the rounds in.
Good stuff. We've not revealed either of the answers yet, and we can do so now.
Round one.

Interestingly, John, and I've just double-checked this myself. No Laxa.
At Wagamamas.

They stopped doing it. It's not on the menu.
It's not on the current menu that we've checked.

However,

you win by a point. Ellis 4, John 5.
Rice and pork.

Ellis, Pad Thai, yes. Kimchi, yes.
Tofu, yes. And chicken katsu, yes.
It's a strong. What about the duck and with the fried egg on top of it? Duck and fried egg.

I ate it last week. Okay, so what's it called?

What's it called?

Watch it. Don Buri, maybe.

I mean,

I ate it last week. I'm going to eat it tonight, Dave, and I'll send you a photo of it.
Will you send him his name? Yeah.

We could do with the name.

It's duck

and

rice. There's a a fried egg on top so help me god Dave

right duck rice I'm gonna be doing this with all my laxers Dave to work out if they're on the menu under another name what is it that

yeah the Domburi yeah

there is a grilled duck Dombiuri yes there is now you didn't call it that I I just described it I mean, if you're going to give me rice and pork.

He's not. He's not giving me rice.
Because he's not giving me rice i'm not giving you pork well pork brook is general

uh it's there's well if names aren't important let me see what is like a laxa on there yeah because it's just under another name i think it was staring you in the face al i should have said don buri you needed to say donburi yeah and and i think that is a rule we're gonna have to live by here you need to know the names of

of

you hate me i get that no i love you no i do love you but we've got

mind you hate

the odd relationship we have.

You punish me.

You punish me every week. It's 5-4 to John.
And it's how I pay my mortgage. Sorry, it's 6.
I missed one off. Oh, it gets worse.
It's 6-4 to John because we missed one off.

So what do you do, Frillippy? I'm an accountant, actually. Oh, yeah, what do you do? I am punished

for every week by my friend Dave.

We're giving you ramen. We're giving you fish curry.
You've got a rice portion in there. Your greens, well done.
Pad Thai, yes. what's the other one then bertie

bang bang cauliflowers are yes and the vegan ribs

yes i've had vegan ribs at waggamama 20 times in one week to prove to prove a point

have you got the vegan menu because it's a separate menu oh is it there are vegan items on this menu We're going off the

game was always going to be...

Do you know what I'm going to say, Div? You've already won the point.

No, no, no.

No, that's not how ours. Do you know what I'm going to say, Div? Go on, Ellis.

If this man, who I like and is my number one, is claiming to have eaten vegan ribs 20 times in one week, you have to accept that.

Now, if they've stopped doing them, totally accept that because it's got to be what's in the current menu. Yeah.
But are we looking at the vegan menu?

When did you have your bad week, John, and eat vegan ribs 20 times at Wagamamas in the space of seven days?

because that's basically every meal.

If we're going off the Wagamama website, we have to take that as

their final and most up-to-date menu. Yeah, yeah, but they also have a vegan menu, which is separate, Dave.
Yeah, there's a separate menu. Why don't they just wipe it? It's all the same menu.

Do you not remember that week when he ate vegan ribs 20 times?

Hang on, hang on. Wagamama stopped doing their sticky vegan mushroom ribs.
It feels good. That's huge.
It feels satisfying. When was that, John?

One year ago, I think.

I think.

Must have been a year ago then. Oh, easy.
Easy. Okay.

Five, four.

Let's say six, four.

We move to round two. Ready for round two? John, have a little listen to six music or whatever else is in the open to distract you.
You've got Hugh Stevens now. Oh, nice.
Or is it a Monday?

Is it Lamac?

John's in the zone.

Ellis, welcome to the game.

Are you ready? No? No.

For my punishment.

I think you might do alright here. Oh, yeah.
What is it? Welsh shop.

Lava bread. Welsh cakes.
Cockles.

30 seconds. To name as many food-related items on

McDonald's menu. Time starts starts now.
Happy meal,

Big Mark, a quarter pounder, chicken dippers, fries,

McFlurry,

a salad,

fruit pot for middle-class kids.

A veggie, veggie burger.

The Beyond Meat Vegan Burger. Time.

Strong out in that, I think. But I think he's going to absolutely

play through it. I don't know.
No, you're right. I always have this again within the photo and so on.
I make it.

That's sunlight up. Nice sunline up.

Why do every pair of headphones I try are always better than my headphones? And then I buy the headphones, and then somehow when they turn up at my house, they're rubbing. Because you're curse.

And God hates you.

And I don't care which god you believe in they all hate you and that is your tragedy God it's been a real roller coaster today hasn't it but you're still for some reason my number one thanks

all right uh points up for grabs in this round I'll be so bold as to say as in every round

oh yeah good good job there's points up for grabs in this round Dave yeah

John Ellis has his items locked in and I need you to do well

uh

He's doing all right. I'm doing all right.

He's doing all right. Okay.

I've got the timer up. You need as many items from McDonald's.
Go. Cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, Big Mac fries, dairy milk,

McFlurry, chicken nuggets, chicken wrap, salad wrap,

crunchy McFlurry, Aero McFlurry, Oreo McFlurry,

Villeofish, Vegan Burger, Veggie Burger, Saudi and egg mcmuffin mcmuffin in the morning before 10am hash brown uh barbecue sauce ketchup chili sauce curry sauce time i've got

i did not consider going down the continent route

we didn't have it we did or the mcflurry route i just named generic mcflurry i reckon the condiments will be on the menu is one thing why

Because they're not an item that you buy. You just get them for free.
No, they're on the menu, Dave. Are they on the menu? Because they're on the menu.

Well, do you think they've just slipped into a liminal space?

You think they're a mezzanine between reality and desire? No, I think you just know to ask for a ketchup.

Yeah, but they're still on the menu. It's like dip.

It's a nod and a wink. Isn't it a nod and a wink? And it's a brown paper bag with a porno and a

quart of whiskey and some firecrackers. Yeah.

It's the bangers principle. You ask for some bangers and then they give you ketchup.

Oh, wow, there's a lot of people. Or like Dave, I'd be absolutely staggered if they had ketchup on the menu, Dave, John.
I don't. What, you mock.
You mock, Alice.

You're just trying to get back in his good books because you've absolutely destroyed him for 20 minutes. I said two bad things.
Yeah, yeah. I've said the god hits him.

No, all gods. All the gods.
And that you want me to drown and not look for my corpse. Well, if they ask you to write my obituary, you'll say who.

But apart from that. He's my number one.
I'm his number one.

It's an arm around the shoulder, and I won't look for your corpse.

Just whilst Bertie's tossing up our condiments on our... Just look at the menu.
Stop asking AI everything, Dave. What success do they eye?

Right, Bertie's ready.

There were so many I couldn't type with them. Okay.
Oh, he's won the rounds. Yeah, I mean, he's absolutely hammered.
I'll just remember everything I said. Did I ask a question?

Do they still do the McCruddy? Because that would be huge if they didn't. No, they do.

Yeah, but yes, they do. Will we say text, Max? We'll just have to listen back to the audio.
I'll go for a walk in a vape. Oh, you're not listening.
You're not going for a walk in a vape.

You've won the round. But I want to know how many points.
Well, what I'll do is... It's in your own time.

Yes, if a referee goes, sorry, I sort of stopped counting how many goals there were. Yeah, but people, you know, VAR.
DRS.

Well, you don't have the resource. for DRS or VAR.

We'll like League One. Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger, Big Mac, Fries,

Dairy Milk, McFlurry, Crunchy McFlurry, Aero McFlurry, Oreo McFlurry, Philippe Fish, Vegan, it just says today, what was it? Vegan burger? Yeah, he did say eggs. Veggie burger.

Hash brown, yes. Chili sauce, ketchup.
What are the sauce?

Did you say egg McMuffin? Yes.

Well, now we're just believing John, but I do think I can. Ketchup, barbecue, and curry sauce, I think.
It was when he went down the condiment side street that I really

got nuggets.

You've got nuggets, haven't you? Oh, chicken wrap, salad wrap. Yes.

I do remember that. The solid back, back back and forth.
The one, two.

Good. Destroy.
How many is it? So at the minute, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

Okay. Oh, interesting on the McFlurries, Bertie.
You're saying there's no dairy milk McFlurry?

There's no crunchy McFlurry.

The only McFlurry we have on the menu at the moment is Oreo McFlurry. Well, he's lost all his McFlurries.
No, not all of them.

Three of the four. Okay.
So John was naming what? Historic McFlurry's. I think it's Historic McFurry's.
Historic McFlurry's.

That is always going to come back to bite you if you've been a McFlurry for a long time.

It's two, or it's two, no. It's fine.
It's fine.

I'm dealing with a fast food robot.

Round three. Okay.
Ellis.

Get a bit of six on.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh,

I've got to ask. other condiments on the menu, Dave.
Don't worry about this.

They are. There are, damn it.

I really didn't think they were.

All right, John, for the clean sweep.

I sense a strong round. 30 seconds.
Let me get it up on the old clock.

30 seconds to name as many items from the menu of Bella Italia and go.

Lasagna,

cannelloni, spaghetti bolognese,

sort of seafood spaghetti, tagliatelli, cheesecake,

chocolate brownie, cappuccino, only can't have drinks, bruschetta, garlic bread,

cacio pepe,

children's pasta, pasta rabriata,

mushroom

linguine, mushroom miszotto.

I've never been to that restaurant.

No, no, but I think what you did very smartly there was I just went general

broad Italian. Yeah.
Absolutely. Okay, okay.
Because also I don't think that italy. I mean, there's so many things I could have said that I didn't say.

Oh, you did, no, but you barely took a breath in the 30 seconds there, Dan. I don't want to barely take a breath.
I want to eviscerate him.

I want him to step into a furnace and have the door close behind him. Ah, good mates.

He said such horrible things. He did.
He did. He deserves it.

I do my talking on the pitch. You do.
And sometimes in the dressing room. And sometimes to the press.
Yeah.

All right.

We're clocking up and we're counting down. Ellis.

Headphones off.

I heard in between of my sleeper for a very long time. I was enjoying that.
Yeah.

Okay. We're just totting up John's.
He's done alright. He's done alright.
He's done all right. Okay.

Are we on home turf for John? Do you think? No, but interesting, he employed a tactic, which he deployed a tactic. Oh, there's always tactics being deployed.
Which I think was a smart.

Let's not discuss my tactics before Ellis has played. Thank you very much.

And then he did say he wanted to eviscerate you.

It's just a nice bit of friendly bant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Bertie, are we ready?

For the final round for a bit of pride for crying out loud. Absent pride.
Dad said that to me before running cross-country, but

Absent pride.

All right, 30 seconds to name

as many items on the menu of Bella Italia. Go

carbonara, lasagna, spaghetti bolognese,

tricolore salad,

green salad, dough balls, garlic bread,

cannelloni, ravioli,

bread, olives,

nice wine, no drinks,

time

you got, I think you did say salad in there as well. Trickle or salad and green salad, Dave.
Yeah, there's a couple of salads. Spinach.

Great, we've got our researchers totting up in the background there. How'd you feel you did, Alice? I did well.
All right, yeah. Yeah.

Not as bad as McDonald's. The thing is, if he wasn't against

a menu prodigy as yourself, John. Yeah.
A menu utility monster. A menuity monster, that's good.
It is prodigious.

You got nine, Alice, in McDonald's. Yeah.
So it's not a bad round. Oh, that's great.
But John is dubbing. Yes.
Mao.

Yeah, a really strong. And actually, the only one that was wrong from your list.
It was a slower list than John's, was Chicken Dippers. But that's what the kids eat.
It's called it's chicken selects.

You're joking. So you could have 10 if we were to go.
Because that is what they have every time. So I'm asking for chicken selects.
I suppose I'm ordering on the screen, and I

think you can ask

maybe you could ask chicken selects. I'd give you that.
Yeah. So you get 10.
But Condiment Alley was something to miss.

Well, I didn't go down Bread Boulevard in

Ballaritalia. John.
Yeah. The scores are in Ballaritalia, 10.
Okay. Ellis, 7.
Okay.

I've never been.

You've never been. You just went broad Italian and it worked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lasagna, cannellone, spaghetti, seafood spaghetti, cheesecake, brownie, broschetta, pudding,

spides, pasta, cold down pudding, honey. Mushroom risotto.
He squeezed in with a 0.5 of a second. Risotto, which actually is my choice.

The problem with Bellar Italia is I love it so much I'm always overwhelmed. So I can't take the menu.
I go menu blind.

I go menu blind. But you, Alice.
Can I

just balance out what Ellis just said? Yeah. The reason I don't go to Bella Italia is because I think of all or for

rarely out for pasta.

Because the thing I can make at home as good. Yeah, I'm with you.
So it doesn't feel like a treat because I'm like, well, this isn't kind of as good as I make it.

Whereas if I go for a great curry or a great Chinese, I'm like, there's no way I can make mock duck at home. Yes.
And steam pancakes. Yes.
Yes.

I like the vibe.

Okay.

And I will take vibe of everything. Will you? Yeah.
Good. It's 3-0 to John.

I don't...

Everyone had to accept last year that Paris Saint-Germain were the best team in Europe. There's no shame in losing to Paris Saint-Germain.
There was no shame in losing to the menu prodigy.

Because

it was a menutality monster. Just to come up with it as a normal player.
And what's good with this game? It could return in the future. It's a good game.
I enjoyed the game. With different menus.

Yeah.

And I like eating out, so I just

feel nice. Yeah.

Good.

Well done, John. 3-0.
So, John's two games up, and it's now 40-15 in the third game of the second set in Made Up Games.

Okay,

okay.

So we go again.

Yeah. We'll be back next week with another Made Up game.

But do send in your shame wells to Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk. And we're going to read one out now, aren't we, Dave? We are.
We are.

What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand.
I was signed in on her Gmail.

John Shamewell.

Okay.

If you're listening to this podcast around, for example, a family dinner, or if you're listening to it on Five Live in your local

community centre. Community centre, but you're you're eating a sandwich

or a plowman's that they've put on to raise money for the

gravestone or the local Britain in bloom,

then be advised. Okay.

Hello, my cheerful kittens. What I'm about to relate must repeat, must remain anonymous.
As this shame is so fresh, I doubt even this podcast first healing space can cleanse me of it.

I was lucky enough to secure tickets to Oasis at Heaton Park.

Through an estranged friend.

As he joked at the gig, we've fallen out more times than Liam and Noel. And as I joked, no one's paying us millions to spend time together.
However, spend time together, we did.

That feels very pointed. Well, no, it's just interesting that...
Why would an estranged friend sort you out with a ticket? Why wouldn't they go with a current friend?

Maybe they are the only friends they know that love Oasis that. You know the indie band Deerhoof.
Yes.

For instance,

if we were estranged, I know you like Deerhoof, and I had two tickets and it was a hot ticket, I'd be like, I should probably get back in touch with John. Oasis, as they play.

Why have you said what's Deerhoof?

Because I'm staggered that... They're estranged, but

this person couldn't think of another person to give an Oasis ticket to, considering they're the people's band. But isn't it just...

Isn't it just a nice thing to do to offer that olive brand? The olive brand. Yes, maybe he wanted to be friends with this person.
Yeah, maybe it was one of their many comings together.

We arrived at the gig, giddy with excitement, not just at the prospect of seeing Oasis, but also at having access to the VIP bar. Wow.

Where we saw none other than Radio X's Chris Moyles, who scowled at me when I looked at him, and a man who looked a lot like Sam Ryder. Oh.

I'm sure you'll have covered, by way of Dave's experience, how incredible the set was. It was the ultimate sing-along.
It was iconic. It was for some, once in a lifetime.

And so it pains me to say that at some point around an hour hour into the gig, I felt my stomach send out a warning signal. Oh, no.

It was similar to indigestion, but not too desperate, so I soldiered on, committing to the Poznan and dutifully barking the lyrics to cigarettes and alcohol. No harm done.

Thirty minutes later, however, the old stomach sends out another warning signal, this time far more urgent. And I find myself sliding away from the crowd during slide away.

It's DEF CON 1 or 5, whichever's worse. By the way, it's 1.
I break free of the crowd and do the quickest, non-urgent-looking walk I can manage and head to the toilet.

I didn't make it.

Oh, oh,

history. I'm going to.
This is history.

I'm going to try and spare the presumably young production team's imaginations by jumping ahead 30 minutes. All is lost.

What a line. I've exited Heaton Park during the encore.
I can hear champagne supernova as I beat my retreat to Baukervale station and catch an inconveniently busy tram.

While on said tram, I can see people looking at me whilst holding the tops of their t-shirts over their noses. Oh no!

This is not representative of me as a person, I'm forced to remind myself. Oh my goodness, move.
The tram pulls into Victoria and I blow out into the street like a man possessed.

Having shared my stench so blatantly, I can't bear to ride another tram to my final final destination, so I decide to hire a Boris bike and cycle to Didsbury.

Is that possible, Dean? Oh, from where? From central Manchester. From Victoria to Didsbury.
Yeah, it's doable.

Yeah, it's alright. But I mean, it's not alright, is it, due to what's happened there?

At this point, I'm unlocking my bike and I hear my name float over my shoulder and turn around to find a close friend of my partner staring at me down the barrel. Oh, I'm in agony.

Stinking to high heaven and clearly panicked, I tell her I've had an intestinal issue and that she can't come any closer.

She kindly offers to order me an Uber and I reply, I don't think that will work.

Cringing, I mount the bike and cycle off. I cycle for 30 minutes as far as Fallow Field until the bike cuts out because it's not allowed to go as far as Didsbury.
Oh,

history again. And I'm forced to slow march the remaining 45 minutes home where I'm greeted by a bin bag and a family-sized bottle of original sauce.
I'm guessing that's the shower gel. Yes.

I don't expect my shame to be absolved, but I've been listening to you guys for 10 years and if I didn't send this in, I'd feel like a freeloader. I hope Dave's experience was much more by the book.

Well, we all...

I'm in agony. We are in agony and you have our sympathy.
Because

you've not put a foot wrong. No.
This is not. You're not a bad person.
No, no, no, no. There's no malice in it.
No. And nothing mendicious.

Everyone listening will have some kind of equivocal story, just perhaps without as many other members of the public around them. Yeah, my friend did it in a museum in Mexico City.
There you go.

For me, it's... And

they're not going to want to be reminded of this, but it's... Dave, don't do it.
Don't talk about how it was the best night of your life. Well,

it's the magnitude of the event, which they probably would look forward to for a long time. And that's just disappointing, isn't it? More than live now.
He made it to the Encore.

Yeah, but already, if they're slipping off at Slideaway,

I can't quite remember where Slideaway is, but it wasn't the Encore. So they've had to kind of.
Oh, it's mid-set. Yeah, so

the experience isn't great from Slideaway onwards. It's a half-soiled set.

But, I mean, mate, I

mean, you just have my total condolences.

Yeah, because

we've had a lot of. You're not a bad person.

We've had so many shameless in. And a lot of the time, it's good people making bad decisions.
Yes. Occasionally, these are very funny, which is why John doesn't read them out.

It's people just behaving badly. There's none of this.
You didn't plan this. It's not your fault.
You couldn't have predicted it.

Also, every single person on that tram will have been thinking, thank God that's not me.

So they'll have had a bit of gratitude in their day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I once saw a guy on the train being sick into one of those tiny little bins and as he was sick he's oiled

and i remember thinking i'm really glad i'm me today yeah yes i'm glad i've got my life and it's something for the next two hours because in any other surrounding or setting they would have made it to the toilet but when you're in the midst of a crowd and the toilets wouldn't have been as easily accessible as they weren't at Heaton Park, it takes ages to get to a toilet.

You've got to read your bum's mind. Yeah.
No one can read their bum's mind.

But anyway, thank you for sharing that shame with us. And hey, you've put a smile on a few people's faces.
You've ruined a few dinners. It's a very good shame, World.
It's a very good shame.

It keeps going. And it's well written, and there's so much of it.
Because

the ideal is no one sees it happen. You sneak out of the Heaton Park and just go and live in the woods for the rest of your life.
Yes. Yeah.

Unfortunately, that's not been possible. No.

Anyway, keep them coming to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk. Dave, plugs, mugs, and jugs.

What have we got to say? Vote for his listener's choice, of course, for the British Podcast Awards. Of course.
Feel free to give us a little tick. Give Ellis and John a little tick on the website.

Keep supporting Brand Ellis and John. And if I do die at sea this week, there's going to be a lot of edits in this podcast.
And there's going to be a big guilty co-host over there.

I'm going to stay away from the water's edge. You should.
If you would. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because if that is the way you go, know that you will not be remembered.

He's made that very clear. No, no, no.
I'll write an orbit.

And I'll clear it with Robin. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bye-bye. Bye.

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