#465 - Mr Headinhands, Kirsty’s USP and The Stomach Microbiome of My Instagram

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Hello there, welcome to Ellis and John.

Thank you very much for downloading.

We've triple white t-shirted again.

Oh, we have actually.

It keeps happening, but white t-shirts are having a moment.

And this is good news because I, on the train home on Friday, I thought we should have got a picture of the triple whites for the Cara.

So now we have another white channel.

I'm not as white today.

I'm Freddified.

You're Freddified, I'd say.

I don't know if it's the colour or maybe washing with colours.

I think it's you're edging into cream.

Yeah, I'm edging into cream, but I don't mind that.

And this is mine as a polo shirt, so I don't think it's actually worthy of a photo.

Yes, grab the cara, Dave.

Fine.

Get rid of the cara, Dave, you complete idiot.

We're not getting rid of the cara.

That's classic, Dave, isn't it?

Another bad decision.

Tell you who made a bad decision, me, on Friday.

And John predicted that it uh what would happen oh hang on let me try and remember my great prediction

hmm friday what was

it it was after the show

if i told if i if i i could give you a clue and i think give me a clue i sent you a text about it

um get your phone okay okay okay yeah let's take a look something has changed and i don't think i'll ever get back to where i was it's

it's a gym thing No, it's not a gym thing, actually.

Okay.

It's a social media thing, and I don't think I'll ever get back to where I was.

I can tell you, if you like Johnson.

No, oh, God.

Oh, good.

Oh, good.

So I read an article in Wales Online,

which is a Welsh-specific media source about a young lady called Kirsty Farts who earns two and a half thousand pounds of money

farting on OnlyFans, right?

So I read the article out of curiosity.

Because you like quirky people.

I like quirky people, and I will always pay special attention to a Welsh quirky person.

Yeah, because you are pitching a show to S4C called One-Off Wales.

About Wales's one-offs.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

And she is a one-off.

Well, I'll come to that in a second, right?

So I read the article.

So this Welsh woman, she earns £2,500 a month breaking wind on

OnlyFans, right?

Can I make an observation?

Yeah.

That's not enough.

Right.

Because when people say that about people who do sort of out-of-the-ordinary stuff or exposing stuff, it's like they earn 60 grand a week on OnlyFans.

And you're like, well, fair enough.

Two and a half grand a month.

Well, I was, I assume she's still working, right?

Okay, so this is overtime.

Bonus.

Bonus money.

So I thought she's.

a side hustle.

I thought, yeah, I thought she's still got a job and she's working.

I thought, that's I'd be pleased with that, two and a half grand.

Yeah.

But then I thought, freaking wind on OnlyFans.

I thought

I thought to myself then, as a performer, as someone who's written shorts, I thought there must be more to wit.

So you signed up, you're six quid a month, and you're going through thinking, let's really, let's quite literally get to the bottom of this.

What is this?

And then you start to think, you know,

it's actually quite arousing.

Izzy,

when are you out this evening?

You said you were going around to Anne's.

Yeah, you're going around to Anne's to watch Mario the First Sights again.

You can go now, actually.

What do you mean, yes, 2020?

I'll pay for a cab.

I'll pay for you to go.

The cab's on its way.

I know it's 20 to 2 in the afternoon.

I think you should start again from series one.

I'll put the kids to bed.

It'll be fine.

Anyway, so I thought there must be some artifice to it.

There must be some creativity, some element of showbiz.

How would that work?

Well, this is what I was talking about.

Melody.

This is about

melody.

Oh, I see, right.

Yeah.

Because that's impressive.

It can't just be that.

I mean, who's a director?

Who's taken her to one side?

He said, well, you know, this is obviously your thing, but we need to find a way of getting the most out of your thing.

I thought, I thought, it can't just be that.

So I thought, well, I'm not going to sign up as OnlyFans.

I wonder if she's on Instagram.

Okay.

Right.

I was curious.

Yeah.

So I had a look on her Instagram.

And it really is just that.

It really is just that.

And the first time I find it quite funny.

The second time, I found it quite sickening.

The third time, I found it funny again.

The fourth time, I found it disgusting.

The fifth time, I found it compelling.

And then I was, and then I was in.

I was all in, right?

I thought, okay.

okay.

So I find it compelling.

Yeah.

Best of luck to her.

I will always support Welsh artists.

Yes.

Young Welsh artists.

If you've got a novel, if you've got a record art, let me know.

I will support Welsh artists.

Are they Welsh language farts?

No.

Okay.

They're not, actually.

But that's also fine.

That's okay.

Right.

That's also fine.

Welsh fartists.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very good.

She can have that.

She can have that.

Kirstie can have that.

And then what happened?

John predicted, because I texted John about it.

My algorithm prior to reading that newspaper article said you've made a terrible point was exclusively Graeme Coxon interviews.

And I mean exclusively.

So in the 90s, there's not a Graeme Cox interview I won't watch.

I've usually seen them and I'll watch them again, right?

I find him an immensely interesting person.

Occasionally, there might be a little interview about Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher holidaying in Ireland in the 70s.

That was, or

a bit of football, surely, is getting in there.

Less than you'd think, deep dive into the genes Noel Gallagher wears.

But I would say Coxon was probably almost 95% of my algorithm.

Wow.

Now,

my algorithm, I mean, it's, it's, there have been big changes.

Also,

Kirstie, I don't want to give her a stage name,

she's not a one-off.

So now my algorithm thinks that I want to see women from Liverpool farting in libraries.

Women from Essex farting at the National Gallery.

Right.

Women from Kent farting in Asda.

My algorithm now is absolutely disgusting.

So Kirstie, and you might not have all the answers, and that's fine.

What is the USP?

Is she able to fart on demand?

Is it

impressive?

Like the first one of her vids I watched, she was just in her bedroom, so presumably, I mean, she must have had a tripod set up, yeah, and she was, I don't know, I don't, I, I don't, I don't, I couldn't tell you anything about her gut flora or sort of what her situation is.

The logistics of it are interesting because does she need to know one's on the way and then she just quickly flicks on the camera?

I mean, this we're we're all very confused.

Is it live live stream?

This is why I found it so compelling.

But now I've stopped watching them because I'm trying to get back to Coxon.

I'm trying trying to get back to the terra firma of a grim coxon

interview about modern life is rubbish.

If my experience of the ladies in tight tops walking and explaining things to you is anything to go by, which ruined my

Instagram recommended feed, you're going to have, I had to watch so many interviews with Frank Zappa,

so many interviews with Freddie Mercury.

I had to look at so many golf drills in order to eliminate them.

But you can go into your, someone messaged me about this, you can go into your Instagram and say less of this or I don't want to see this anymore.

And is that what you did, presumably?

Well, no, I just, you know, life gets in the way.

And

it's very confusing.

Yeah, it's very confusing.

It seems quite time-consuming in people.

The EFL comes in and you're suddenly as, oh, God, why didn't I

sort that out?

Well, I've got to write a letter to Instagram.

Oh, I don't

know.

I still have to buy a

stamp.

I'm not sure I could.

Do you know what, Dave?

You reminded me, actually.

I'll do that when I get here.

I'll make a note of that.

I've got to google the address.

I've got to buy a bloody envelope.

Yeah.

Search.

Yeah.

Can I just scribble it?

That's just

making a note as that later.

Dear dear sir, madam, if you've got the time.

No worries if not.

No worries.

No worries if not.

But I mean, if you were able to, but it would be absolutely fine if you didn't.

Because

I don't want to make any work for anyone.

I don't make anyone's life harder.

harder, but if you did, that would be great.

But if you didn't, that's also understandable.

Yeah, so I've now got to blim it, write a letter to Instagram.

I don't think it's that tricky, Ellis.

Thirsty girl, all well and good, but you know, if you could maybe see maybe less of it, that would be all.

But do you think because you've you've named three things then: golf, mercury, zapper.

Yeah, do you think it would have been a quicker process if you'd just gone golf or just gone Zappa?

Yeah, but I want, I don't want it to just be golf yeah i want i want you know to use a phrase earlier i want the gut flora of my instagram stomach to be varied that's disgusting for some people

well because because it's i want to tend the microbiome of your brain

yeah yeah i want runny o'sullivan breaks Okay.

I want two 147s in one game.

He's not done that.

He did it, Dave, this week.

He didn't.

He's the second player in history to do it.

Really?

And he set the record as being the oldest person to ever hit a 147 and then broke his own record by an hour that's Ronnie

then lost in a final 10-9

is he still bothered Ronnie yeah is he because I see 500 grand top prize every now and then I see an article that says Ronnie's lost Ronnie's full night of love with snooker is probably on the way he maintains his love of snooker by constantly doing that by having little breaks yeah okay he's in and out he's in and out but right now he's in he's he's in great he's in at the minute he's in at the men

Two one four sevens in one game.

What a mercurial talent.

I mean, I hate to bring it back to Kirstie,

but it's also a kind of mercurial talent.

What does Izzy make of all of this?

She hasn't discussed it

and she's fine.

Because she doesn't like to know about social media, so I probably won't mention it to her and she doesn't listen to this podcast.

So maybe

don't discuss it with her when you see her next and maybe talk about

ships.

Ships,

big ones, small ones.

When do ships become boats?

Clippers.

Clippers, catamarans.

Very good.

Very good.

How are you, Dave?

I'm all right.

No, no, I'm not all right.

Okay.

Yeah, get out of that good mood, ASAP.

Well, I have spent, so the car's going back, John, and I've had a lovely time of it sharing in our joy of a certain car.

This joint interest is coming to an end.

Okay.

I'm afraid.

Why?

Because

there are now cheaper cars available to lease, and I'm coming to the end of a lease.

Okay.

I just go where the deals are, John.

I'm a bit of a floozy when it comes to a bit of a fool.

Yes.

No, not at all.

But backstabber.

You lack model fibre, David.

Fine.

Actually, I don't think that.

I don't could not care less about locks.

No, you go for one that has nice wheels, as we've talked about in the past, and has a decent spoiler.

I go for those two big things.

And if and if it's a reasonable leasing,

if it's a reasonable leasing, you can anyway.

So I've looked after the car for three years because they're very, very picky on if they spot a single scratch of.

You've got three kids.

Yeah.

Oh, the inside is an absolute, absolute S show.

Yeah.

but the outside you've got to be careful no scrapes on the alloys what are you going to do about the inside then it's a massive hoover and just just properly get in there two weeks before I'm handing it back uh someone's reversed into the front of it

and they've just disappeared they've not CCTV not left well the only place and we're in Sainsbury's yesterday and I spotted it yesterday afternoon so I went back to the Saino's and it's not it didn't happen there okay so they did they were very good actually they went to check

and they went and just wait here I can do this this for you in five minutes you give me the good you give me the time window i'll be back in five yeah so it's not saying but that now just means i don't look at my car very often it could have happened two weeks ago what

well how often do you how often are you circle in your car i look at my well every time i use my car no you don't well i would notice if someone had reversed into the front you heifer

No, but you're not really going, you're not looking at the car, are you?

You're just getting in.

How much of a dingy

do you think?

Some people, Dave, have a relationship with their car where they would sense it because they're loyal.

And that's sick.

I'm trying to get three kids.

That's sick.

And I've been watching Kirstie Fartz all day for research.

I think we need to stop talking about Kirstie Farts as if what she's doing is arousing

because it's really throwing me.

Like, my riff works with the ladies in the tight tops to an extent, even though I'm playing up to it.

Yeah,

you're making out that you're a Rouse fan.

No, I'm not.

This is how I talk about all Welsh artists.

He can be if he wants, and also he can be if he wants to be.

He can be if he wants to be.

I'm not kink shaming you.

No, this is how I would talk about any band I liked.

Or novelist.

So there's the debt.

There's the scuffs and the.

Okay, yeah, I see what you mean.

That's not like the whole front.

No, just have a look.

But it's enough, that's enough for the dealer to spot and go, we're going to to charge you a grand to get that fixed but where else but have any of your neighbours got cctv it won't have been on the drive because we've got it'll have been in a

i'm not i'm not laying the blame at hannah's door here that's not what i'm doing but she's been to a lot of soft plays recently and those car parks are tiny okay so i wonder whether and again this wouldn't be her fault because she'd have parked it brilliantly of course

But if you just kind of reverse back, bunk, oh, no one's seen, I can just, I can just get away with this.

That's what's happened.

So And that's Sheidel.

That's Hannah in that situation.

No, no, no.

Though she's probably in the software with that.

Which of you thinks it might be Hannah?

She's.

Well, Sheidon Hume is famously a hornet's nest of dishonesty, isn't it?

No, it's not.

I don't know.

Because, Dave, this to me,

I'm going to be honest with you, has bollard markings.

No.

Because how would you get that line?

Because Because so to describe it to the listeners, there is a chip out of the bumper, and then there is a chip directly above that at the front of the

bonnet.

So how on earth would a car reversing make that shape?

Because that's the shape of a bollard.

Lest we forget, Dave,

John reads an awful lot of Sherlock Holmes.

And rereads.

And writes own.

Let me just say it now.

So,

John,

I think,

I didn't want to say it, that you've made an incredibly compelling case there.

Thank you.

What do you think?

Do you think that's maybe

unless someone cycled a motorbike with a metal front wheel into it at full speed,

that looks like a gatepost or a bollard.

Maybe

someone from Cheadle Hume

would love their own personal bollard.

They couldn't get it in the boots.

They strapped it to the back of their car.

it's strapped to the back of the car.

They've reversed because obviously, you know,

their sense of

perspective has changed because they're not used to driving with a bollard.

Yeah.

Their spatial awareness has been distorted because obviously, I mean, it's the first time for them.

Yeah.

And it's, I mean, you never would have guessed it, but I think it's someone transporting a personal bollard home.

It's not.

And just to be very clear about this,

if this if Hannah had done this she'd have come straight to me and said Dave I'm really sorry she wouldn't keep this from me absolutely not well maybe she's salt of the earth maybe she's a no maybe she was hammered

She absolutely wouldn't have been hammered.

There were a couple of other little scrubs

in other little places, which makes me think it's not a bollard.

I think a car, because it's white paint as well.

Where do you see a white bollard in 2025, John?

Where's this white paint, Dave?

I didn't pick that up on my.

That's the white paint there.

And then we'll stop looking at a picture that no one can see.

Are we putting it on the camera, Dave?

That'll go on the camera, Dave.

That's going on the camera.

I think.

Maybe someone will own up.

Maybe if someone sees it on the camera and goes,

oh, that was me.

I was transporting a ball out two weeks ago.

I think someone has clearly reversed in.

But what's annoying is I've got two weeks away from handing it back.

I've looked after it like it was my own son.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, by not noticing that someone's driven into it for two weeks.

Yeah, this could have been here for a month.

Does it feel like

defeat has been snatched and the jewels of victory

what does that mean

i'm not a leaseman david no no that i'm not so what what does that mean in terms of when you hand it back i need to get it i need to get it sorted before i hand it back okay because they will charge a lot more looks pricey div i'm not sure i'm i keep getting told to speak to someone at called barney in stockport so i need to find out who barney is well also there are there is a company i can text you who do do a good job on that sort of thing great it's it's not actually i buffed a lot out of it yesterday.

It's not as bad as it first looked, but it's just a bit frustrating.

You're looking at low hundreds of pounds.

I think you are.

I think you are.

I think if I, yes, exactly that.

Yeah.

And then I say goodbye to what's been a fantastic, fantastic.

And what are you going for next?

Eleki.

Oh.

Needs to get a bit of a box on the front of the house.

You alright, John?

John wants to.

I hired one of them.

Do you want to kiss me or do you want to kill me, John?

It will always be both.

I want to say to you, why take a backward step?

I hired one of them on holiday and enjoyed it.

Talk to me about it.

And it burst into flames.

And enjoyed it, yeah.

So, you know, best of luck.

Thanks, man.

My friend Nigel's got a lot of fun.

Good luck, Dave.

You'll need it.

Not necessarily.

No.

Have you bought your new car yet?

No.

Oh, my God.

Imagine that.

I'm a paysy-go car guy now.

How are you doing this with a family?

It's blooming everywhere.

The family, although the family.

Well, my family are everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

The Jeannis James diaspora.

But is it not just a bit of a faff?

They're often on my street.

Yeah.

Great.

Great.

My car's always on my street.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And who's the happy one?

Me, if I need my car in an emergency.

Yeah, well, me.

I might have to walk to the next street, which will take three minutes.

But what if the one on the next street is a Nissan Micra and you can't get all your family in a Nissan Micra?

Can you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You can drive to Cardiff.

Oh, I'm not going to drive to Cardiff.

So what would you do then?

Well, if I was going to drive to Cardiff, I'd make different plans.

How would you do that?

I'd get the train.

Okay.

I love the train.

I love Punch John Sport.

I love life, for God's sake.

This is it.

This is what it's all about.

So are you going to get a car?

I will, I will, I will, I will, I will.

But every time I think about it, I feel deep shame because of what John keeps saying.

So

he will do that to you.

Anyway, it gets in your head.

It gets in his head.

Yes.

Yes, we've had a thank you email from Mills, and it's a thanks from Obaman in the past.

Hi, guys.

Whilst I've been a fan of both of you for many years, I've only recently got around to listening to your podcast.

What?

Are you a fan of our non-podcast output?

Wowie.

I'm currently working towards retro wanna status, if that's still a thing.

I've just reached an episode from 2019, in which John recounts an evening in a pub with Tim Key and Tom Rosenthal following a gig at Earth in Hackney.

He tells of a Barman who, being a huge comedy fan, plied the group with drinks and shots, culminating in a lock-in in which John was able to smoke a cigarette inside a pub for the first time in years, leading him to declare it the best night of his life.

Well, I was said Barman.

And it was delightful to hear the evening recapped all these years later.

I myself struggle with the darkness from time to time, and hearing the tale of a happier point in my life and knowing that it was appreciated really lifted my spirits.

The pleasant memory of that evening has stuck with me.

It may not mean much to you all these years later, but I wanted to thank you for your delightful company and the joy of hearing the tale once again.

I've a long way to go, but I'm looking forward to the next few years of podcasts and hope to join you in the future for a live listen.

Keep up the great work, Mills.

Wow, Mills is doing quite well, Luff.

He's up to 2019 already.

He's done 2014 to 2019 yeah and you've got only got three years left of me getting lashed yeah make the most of it but he'll he'll listen to this in

what like three years well he might be he might be a zigzag he might be a zigzag one there he's a retro one he's working towards retro one as do okay what do you remember about the night do you remember much about that now uh i remember ben who runs the gig who people might know as benito from uh off menu yeah

very, very uncomfortable with the fact we were smoking inside and thinking we might get arrested in a very sweet way.

But yeah, I just remember drinking pints and smoking fangs in a pub and thinking this is the best night of my life.

Yeah,

I remember doing a gig and there was a lock-in afterwards in the pub next door.

And as soon as they locked the doors, out came the ashtrees and it was like going back in time.

I don't think I've ever been party to a lock-in.

What?

Honestly, don't think I have.

I can't think, because I hear other people talk about what it would be like, and I think that sounds great, but I can't remember experiencing that.

I've obviously been in pubs late that are just open late.

That's different, isn't it?

It is different.

It is different.

It is different Dave.

It's different.

It's illicit Dave.

I know, it sounds fun.

This is from Elliot in Edinburgh.

Hello, you superstars.

I run an Indian restaurant in Edinburgh and can confirm that whilst ordering two of the same curry is unusual, it isn't unheard of.

Okay.

We have a couple who come in quite a lot and both order two of the same curry each.

Four of the same curry.

So John isn't alone and is not so odd.

Having said that, we do talk about this couple behind their backs.

We talk about how strange and boring the lack of variety they have in their lives are

life is.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

Four of the same.

Now, listen, I get it, right?

I love a madras.

Yes.

I love it.

I love it.

I am in love with it.

Yeah.

But if I was ordering...

And the next day you were earning 200 and a half grand a month on the Internet fans.

But if I was ordering...

If I was ordering two curries,

the second one's going to be different.

It's got to be.

It has to be.

It has to be.

Well, what if you just know what you like that day and want double?

But there's just too many good ones.

I think there's too many good ones.

Well, what if there's so many good ones that they've found the best one for them?

Yeah, because I order one curry.

I've never ordered double for myself.

I almost always go for a madras.

So I suppose you could criticise me for a lack of variety.

What's wrong with a jalf?

I like a jalf.

Well, what often happens is Izzy has a jalf.

Oh, God, it's medium heat boys chat.

No, you can.

Let me know when you're done, will you?

You can get a jalf heated to the max.

Dave.

three chilies out of five max no yes if it's done properly it doesn't touch the sides day so what's up what's up from a jalf well you would go jelf madras vindaloo foul or something oh madras hotter than a jelf do you think yeah i think so depends how many uh green chilies they put in it yeah and if you eat them of course i do of course

Oh, I'm mouthwatering now.

Well,

John.

You might go for for a curries tonight.

I've been thinking about that, yeah.

Well, John has filed.

Yeah.

I've never filed.

I've been dilued.

I've never filed.

I've not filed.

Madness.

Absolute madness.

There's just more stories about guffs, but I think we've done, I think we've plowed that furrow deep enough.

Yes, yes.

So let's find out how mad some people's dads are.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clogs

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded 20, 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

Dads are mad.

Dad's a mad.

Dads are mad.

Dads are mad in a way, aren't they?

Sometimes very charming, sometimes very dangerous.

Yes.

This is that was sent quite a while ago,

but for some reason it fell to the back of the queue.

This is from Jake Doran or Duran and he says, hello, my scrumptious crumpets, which I'm going to shorten to scrumpets.

Nice.

Back in the mid-90s, there was a revolutionary breakthrough in the world of supermarket retail, the loyalty card.

It was an exciting time to be a big shopper, to be sure.

And my dad was no exception.

He adopted a Robins-esque level of scrutiny and planning for relative prices, fluctuations, and crucially, club car points values.

Dave, can I just say that other loyalty cards are available?

I'd like you to.

Nectar.

Can I just say that all supermarkets have something to offer?

Apart from Azda, I think.

Nothing to offer.

No,

they don't have a loyalty card.

How do they not?

I think their argument is we're just going to make things cheap and then everyone will come to Azte.

I think.

I feel we need to.

We might have to fact check that, but I'm sure that they actually stopped their vitamins.

Yeah, it's got a loyal card.

Carry on John.

Alright.

Make another one.

Maybe they brought it back.

Why would I make that up?

Azda rewards.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sorry, there's an Azte need.

That's alright.

This being the days of the club card scene, after some of the kinks were still being worked out, my dad stumbled upon a loophole.

Some products rewarded you with a peddling number of club card points, whereas others paid over the odds.

He experimented with augmenting our shop to maximise the value of those delicious points.

And that's when he discovered it.

The banana.

Somehow, someone at head office had made an error, and the monetary value of bananas was marginally less than the reward value of the points said banana gave you.

In short, buying bananas gave you free money.

Wow.

It only worked out to a couple of pence a bunch.

But nevertheless, for the next few weeks, our big shop started seeing more and more bananas included.

One bunch the first week, then two, then three, and that's when Dad went all in.

In a fit of financial shrewdness, and possibly because mum didn't go with him that week, Dad bought all the bananas.

An entire big trolley full.

At this point, I should point out, Daddy doesn't even like bananas.

None of the family do, really.

God.

Cue Dad, wild-eyed in the car park, trying to hand out bananas to bewildered shoppers.

They're free!

You can take all you want.

Honestly, half a banana, half six.

Needless to say, he went home with a trolley full of bananas, safe in the knowledge that he'd managed to take Tesco for all they were worth.

I think he managed to pocket a couple of quid in the great banana swindle.

Every little helps.

Cheers, lads.

Jake Duran.

Thank you, Jake.

That's a great story.

He doesn't even like them.

That's it.

It's the kicker.

I thought...

That he did like bananas, but suddenly it was going to be a two-banana breakfast, two, three, or four banana lunch, five or six banana tea.

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, this mad dad,

this one I think poses quite an interesting question.

One of my fearless audio warriors.

You mentioned a while ago how mad mums can count, and it made me think of my friend James's mad parents' story.

James has given me permission to share this with you, and whilst they're not my parents, I feel qualified to share this story as they were like a second family growing up, having child-minded me throughout my childhood.

During James's childhood, it was a common Friday night for his mum and dad and his older brother, to rent a video for Blockbuster and get a pizza.

That sounds nice, doesn't it?

James, being a child, always wanted to choose something suitable for his age at the time, but his parents constantly insisted on renting completely inappropriate movies.

The pinnacle of this was renting the shining, sitting through it and not thinking anything of sharing this experience with their son, who was 10 years of age.

Naturally, James was terrified, and that night, his dad begrudgingly agreed to sleep in with him.

Satisfied and feeling safe, James fell asleep.

During the night, James was woken up by his dad snoring and opened his eyes to see the 1999 crime thriller The Bone Collector flaring from the TV, once again scaring the proverbial out of him.

What makes the story even better is that James has since questioned his parents' choice to shun these movies, to which his mum said, well my parents played me the shining as a child.

He asked if it scared her and she replied, it absolutely terrified me.

Is that the mark of mad parents taking on board the mad traits of their own mad parents.

Thanks for the amazing content of the years, making my M1 commute bearable.

Man hands on misery to man.

Yeah, my mother.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out while you can and don't have any kids yourself.

Who's that?

Morrissey?

Philip Larkin.

Philip Lucky Larkin.

Yeah.

One of the two.

Yeah, so it's quite dark.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Being as...

Taking on your parents' odd ball traits.

I did watch a lot of very unsuitable films when I was very young.

Did you?

Yeah.

See, I was the the absolute opposite because mum was incredibly strict, but I wasn't allowed to watch East Enders.

I was 13.

I was always pushing for the 15s.

Yeah.

But I watched The Fly when I was about 11 and

that was

devastating.

I watched The Fly.

It was shown on night TV.

Oh, right, yeah.

And I probably watched this, probably watched it the same night as you.

It was on telly.

And I stayed up and watched it in the kitchen.

So I was 12 or 13.

And I couldn't sleep.

It was horrible, absolutely horrible.

That film.

Do you remember when they used to have the news all the way through a film?

God, that makes me feel old.

Yeah, it would start at nine, it would stop for half an hour, but then it was at 10, and then you get the second half of the film after that.

Yeah,

crazy, crazy.

But I stayed up late thinking, yeah, I'm in here, right?

I can handle this.

And it was horrific.

Well, I remember The Elephant Man when I watched that about eight.

Yes, that was.

Because that's, I think, a PG.

But if you think about it to an an eight-year-old who's got no understanding of the sort of emotional.

And then I watched Queen Live at Wembley.

So it sent my life in two very different directions.

And that's.

I was at a friend of my mum's house when they were having a party or something.

I watched.

Was that your introduction to Queen?

Would you say?

Yeah, it would have been.

Wow.

So you were prepped for Queen by the Elephant Man.

Yeah.

It's an odd double bill.

I don't think you'd see that at the Prince Charles cinema.

That speaks volumes.

The Elephant Man to the Invisible Man.

No.

Is that a Queen song?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

So it works.

It does.

It does work.

I mean, what slightly diminished it was you having to check.

Is that a queen song?

Well, I was confident, and I thought, if I just named a Genesis song, but then that was the Invisible Touch.

Right.

The Invisible Man, fun fact, covered by Scatman John.

Was it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

I didn't realize he did anything else other than the Scatman.

He did a whole album.

I think a whole album of covers.

Look into it, Dave.

Goodness.

God rest his soul.

Scatman John.

Do you know what his last words were?

I have tasted beauty.

Scatman John's final words were, I have tasted beauty.

A, really?

B, how do you know that?

Just that people know what people's final words were.

Franks and Archer's was a swears-y.

Yeah, I think Steve Jobs was a wow.

Roal Dahl was a swearzy?

Was it?

Mine will almost certainly be a swearzy.

Oh, yours will definitely be a swearsy, yeah,

Dave.

Look into supermarkets that maybe might not have had loyalty cards for a bit

along the way.

Well, I don't think either of the German ones do,

yeah, yeah.

Have you looked into the Scatman John album yet, Dave?

Sorry, look at it.

I've got distracted by the loyalty cards now.

I did look at the scat, I couldn't quite find the scat man.

Scatman John covers album

discography, scatman's world album,

Scatman.

Skibbid up it up top.

No.

Scatman.

No, it's the same again.

Scatman's World.

Scatman John.

The follow-up to Scatman was Scatman's World.

Also a successful hit, reaching number one in many

series.

Might be the first recorded instance of use of the word Skibbiddy.

Scatman John.

He must have said Skibbidi at some point.

Yeah, absolutely.

The way he was.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't an album of covers, it's from the album Everybody Jam, 1996, and it's the third track on that album.

Nice.

Oh, I feel quite sad that he's died.

Yeah, it was sad, it was a long time ago, was it?

Like 20 years ago,

um, Aldi

doesn't have a loyalty ski, does not have a loyalty ski.

Aldi sounds a bit like Azda.

He died in 1999,

did he?

Yeah, yeah,

did it?

It was 99.

Yeah.

It's almost the year he was big.

Were you busy illness the year he was born?

No, no, no, because 99.

95, 96, he was big.

Oh, was it?

Okay.

Were you a big Scatman John fan?

Yes, very big.

I know all the words to Scatman's World and Scatman.

Were you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had both the singles.

He was on Big Breakfast and he was on the bed with Ziggenzag and Paula.

Goodness me.

I learned new things about you all the time.

You wouldn't have John Downs a Scatman John fan.

Not at all.

I'm calling out from Scatland.

Oh, yes!

Calling out from Scatman's World.

We need to review this now.

Why?

Because you've sung a lot of it.

It's all moving.

Moving, Dave.

It's a tribute.

He needs to tell us how much he thinks it's moving for us to leave it in the podcast, Alan.

Tribute.

I find it very moving.

There's a plaintive urgency to

Scatman's world,

which isn't there in I'm the Scatman.

Also, isn't there some rule that if we review Scatman John...

This is what I'm saying.

So you mean you now need to review it?

Well, you need to critique it, but I feel like you've done that quite successfully at this point.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it introduced Scat to my life.

Yes.

I'd previously been in a scat-free existence.

I want to be a human being, not a human doing.

I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.

Who is that?

Confucius?

Philip Larkin.

The Buddha?

No, Scatman John.

Scatman John.

Yeah, because he's wise.

There's wisdom to him.

Good message for kids about bullies as well because of his stutter.

Right.

Yes.

Gosh.

As a matter of fact, don't let nothing hold you back if the scat man could do it, so can you.

I'm the scatman.

Could you do the scatman?

Yeah.

Come on, man.

But I don't want to have to critique anything.

No, I know, I know.

It got played on the boats we went on in Portugal, and I surprised myself by knowing every word to Scatman.

One for Dancing with Dave.

Ooh.

What do you segue from and to?

More Scatman.

What would happen if I played an hour of Scatman at Dancing with Dave?

You wouldn't do another Dancing with Dave.

Fair enough.

Go out with a bang.

No, yeah, actually, because you do bring a crowd.

Thanks, Dave.

No matter what you do.

He did bring a crowd.

Word would get out that he'd played nothing but Scutman John, and then your night would be destroyed.

Yeah.

Or full of Scat fans.

Yeah.

But then Word.

Thirsty Farts would be there.

Word would have to reach the Scuting community, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, we've got another email, Dave.

We do.

Interesting times.

Go on.

Yes, we've had an email in from someone who wants to remain anonymous.

Hi, Alice, John, and producer Dave, Michael, and Bertie, longtime listener, first-time emailer.

I want to share something I've set up with you all.

It's a searchable podcast archive for the show, and that includes all of the main BBC podcasts, RadioX podcast, and the BBC How Do You Cope pods.

Wow.

Whoa, okay.

Why?

If you've ever wondered how many times Dave has said undue prominence, it's 21 times.

Yes.

Which is fewer than I expected.

Or how often queen have been mentioned?

Nearly 3,000 times.

That's disgusting.

Then this is the site for you.

Would it know the difference between Queen and the Queen?

The Queen Elizabeth.

No.

Or

Queen of Hearts.

Or...

uh queen bee if we were ever talking about bees or beyonce or beyoncé all the times that izzy goes yes queen yeah no it wouldn't it just know the word the software for this site was developed by jack copper who is incredibly helpful to me in getting it set up he's an awesome person you can find his work at browse.show

programmers have interesting websites yeah uh he's has he's created archives for other shows such as football clichés yeah yeah have a play about on it

have a play about on it

I thought he'd put on a play about it on.

The transcripts are AI generated, so while they're quite good, they're not perfect.

And obviously, as BBCs, as human beings we want to provide some ai caveats don't we ellis give me an ai caveat uh scary dave

uh we're not quite sure of its powers at this stage

yeah

and it's not actually kirsty's ai yeah maybe

that'd be sad for you though wouldn't it i hope you enjoy it well i support welsh artists so yes um i've done my best to correct the most obvious errors such as ellis and ellis with one l and two l's robins and robbins with one B and two B's, and of course, everyone's favorite Dirobins/slash DI Robyns.

So, yeah, there was a site for all the Radio X shows, wasn't there?

When you could search sort of themes and made-up games, you can search, yeah, there's a made-up games um site, but if you want to head over to IwantolistenThisRubbish.com,

which is the creation of our anonymous emailer,

then you can

get

searchable transcripts of our jaunty podcasts and

how do you cope?

Three

thousand times.

How many times do you think we've said Todgers?

28.

47.

Oh.

Yeah.

What did I say?

28.

28.

Okay.

Yeah.

106 for the gorkies.

Oh, not bad.

Losing to Queen by the power 30.

Yeah.

But I don't think I'm at fault there.

No, no, no, that's not on you.

That's not on you.

Oasis 738.

Wow, we

okay.

Guffs are 55.

I just searched farts, did you?

And that's all from How Do You Cope?

That's that is extraordinary.

Okay, right, I'm going to read an email because even though this really put a spring in my step, I do think that the email is wrong.

Oh, Ellis is right to reply.

Smashdown, crossfire.

It put a spring in my step, but I just, I, yeah, I'm not sure I agree.

You came knocking on the wrong door, sucker.

Intrigued.

Good morning, both.

I've never messaged in before, but having listened to your most recent episode, and Ellis' torment about what he would do if he wasn't an internationally renowned podcaster and his worry about being an introverted leader got me thinking.

I'm a secondary school head teacher and I can say without hesitation that Ellis would be the most perfect head of history in a large comprehensive school.

You have a genuine love of the subject, that is true.

With the join the details which are unusual, that is true, and would undoubtedly hook students in.

Not sure.

I think I lack gravitas.

In fact, I know I lack gravitas because I'm me.

I walk around lacking gravitas.

I don't know.

I mean,

you know.

What you don't lack is enthusiasm and passion.

I don't know how well you would work controlling an unruly class.

I've considered this.

Sick from college, teaching A-level to kids who've chosen to take history

would be the

only option, I think.

I think they might call you Mr.

Headhands

because you'd always have your head in your hands.

Yeah, teaching year nine history to a load of kids who are going to drop it for GCSE and I've got no interest,

that I think I would struggle with.

Why don't we see?

So, if let's say someone's misbehaved, they've just thrown a rubber.

Let's throw stuff at him.

Yeah, yeah.

No, not at the teacher, because I don't think anyone will throw stuff at you.

Yes, they would, Div.

I don't know.

Have you seen them?

Little authority I have.

So you're halfway through talking about, I don't know, the pyramids or whatever else you.

You talk about the pyramids.

And then someone's done something that has actually made you really angry, but I'd quite like to see

your technique.

Simon, a word.

Oh, i don't mind that i don't mind that yeah why did you put chewing gum in michelle's hair

well i i don't i don't care that it was a joke doesn't seem like a joke to me she's got to either brush that out or cut that out now

now if somebody did that to you simon nice yes yeah how do you think you'd respond yeah i know you've got very short hair because that's the fashion but try and put yourself into michelle's position because this is what i'm trying to teach you in this history class empathy okay simon you're gonna stay after class now go and sit down No, not next to Mark, because he's a bad influence.

I thought that was good, actually.

Dunno.

That was clear.

Dunno.

That packed a punch.

Well, you're not going to be able to brush out chewing gum, though.

Yeah, yes.

She's had an absolute nightmare.

Oh, I suppose it depends on how.

You're going to pay for her haircuts.

I'm going to write a letter to your parents saying that they have to pay for her haircuts.

Simon, come here.

Everyone's filed out.

Now then.

I've got a phone there.

Do you want me to call mum and dad?

Because I've got dad's number at work.

Why have you got his dad's work number?

Because I've come reconnected with him.

Why has he given you his work number?

Because he's in love with me.

It also kind of sounded like you were threatening to call your own mum and dad.

I'm going to call my own mum at work and say I've made a terrible mistake.

I can't handle this.

I can't handle my life choices.

I loved being a podcaster because Dave was nice and John did all the heavy lifting.

But now, for some reason, because of Pete and Suffolk's email, I'm a secondary school teacher and I need to call my parents.

And they're in their 70s.

And they're at work.

Because they can't afford to live just on the state pension, so I'm supporting them as well.

I'm supporting them as well.

So I've got to do something.

And for some bizarre reason, thank you, Pete and Suffolk, I quit the podcasting.

So, listen, mate, I know you're 14.

Help me out.

Tell me what to do.

And then I ask,

then I ask Mark for Simon for some advice.

Yeah.

The best history teachers, I was one, are badly organised, hmm, but realise the joy of the subject and are able to hook students in.

Plus, kids would find your love of a provincial football team and your support for Wales endearing.

Yes.

Friend of mine, his boy is going to a school in South London, but he's a Bristol City fan.

And the other kids in the area are like, okay.

Yeah, I think there's

a definite respect of people who support lower league teams.

Yeah.

Especially in big cities.

Yeah, because

you have a free London club to choose from.

And part of you is thinking, they're a real fan.

Yeah, they really care.

You take on one of the football teams within the school.

Otherwise, a non-P teacher, you'd not be allowed a good one where there was potential silverware, as these are kept by the PE staff.

And you'd play staff five side on on a Friday night.

Yes, I would do that.

You'd need a team of several of the history staff, this is where I'm sensing problems, who would be aware that despite your bluster, that when faced with the always right confrontational curriculum deputy head, that's John, you crumble.

In short, you'd be a brilliant middle leader.

So I'm not going to end up as head or deputy head.

Your middle management.

Middle management.

You can spend your whole life failing sideways.

The Peter Principal.

The Peter.

What's the Peter Principal?

The Peter Principal is

there was a a sitcom by John O'Fowell called The Peter Principle.

It was you sort of

Google it, Dave, because I can't quite remember the definition.

And Project 2032 becomes a reality.

Give us a buzz.

You'd be fantastic in the post-Pete in Suffolk.

So 2032, I'd be 51 going on 52.

Would I be ready to move across into education?

The principle that members of a hierarchy are promoted until they reach the level at which they are no longer competent.

So, everyone in every position is incompetent.

Yeah, everyone in every position is too high.

Is that us as well?

I'm looking at Dave, definitely.

All the content are always.

No, but there's clearly a point where you're still working your way through.

So, you're not always incompetent.

And you get, and by definition, the place where you can't get any higher is the place where you're not good enough to be.

Yes, Peter's principle.

It was a sitcom in about 1999 by John O'Farrell, which I vividly remember.

It's a concept in management developed by Lawrence J.

Peter.

And Lawrence J.

Peter was a hierarchologist, and he's best known

to the general public for the formulation of the Peter principle.

Is this why you started doing podcasts when you were booked to headline gigs?

Yeah,

because I wasn't good enough.

And so I would go white.

All right.

Employees are promoted based on the success in previous jobs until they reach a level at which they're no longer competent.

Skills in one job do not necessarily translate to another.

And it was a book.

It was quite a famous book.

Interesting.

That's good.

We've Peter principled.

Well, Ellis has got that lined up for when Project 20 to 32 comes around.

What are you going to do, Dave?

I'll just probably go against football.

Yep.

Just probably play football.

We'll start in a youth team.

Nice place for City.

Place for City, yeah.

I'll call, I know someone there.

Yeah.

So I'll give them a battle and say,

come to an end.

Yeah, if you need it, I'm happy to be on the subs.

I'm happy to start on the subs bench.

Start on the bench,

ask to play in the first 11 immediately, but then fingers crossed.

Pepine ready.

Yeah, that will be eventually.

Okay, well, thanks very much for listening, everyone.

We will be back with you on Tuesday.

And, of course, check out the Bureau.

Bureau tomorrow.

The challenge of the mind.