#464 - Aloof Disinterest, Raised By Rats and A Sixth Form State of Mind

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BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Everyone at Five Lives stared.

Tim Davey was extremely angry with Matt Chorley, and everyone shuffled awkwardly in their seats.

Stop texting Pretty Patel, Matt, and listen.

You're coming in at the wrong time, and if this goes badly, everyone at Radio 2 will laugh at us, and Romesh will make fun of it on his Saturday morning show.

Rehearsals for the annual Five Live musical were going very badly.

Tim Davy thought the way guys and dolls portrayed the hustle and bust of New York City was the perfect allegory for the cut and thrust of the UK's premier news and sports station.

Barrick Edwards said he was too nervous to sing, and Tony Livesey said he'd prefer to drink raw sewage than take parts.

So poor old Matt now had multiple parts.

Matt decided to ignore the new message from Ed Davy and make an effort.

Luck be your lady tonight!

Luck be your lady tonight!

Better, said Tim.

Better.

You see, you can do it.

Now do it with me.

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with.

Adrian Childs decided now was the time to pipe up.

I'm afraid I haven't learnt the words to have never been in love before or sit down you're rocking about because of to write a guardian column about building building dens and broadcasting live to the nation in five minutes.

Could I be excused, please, sir?

Tim sighed.

Before he could dismiss Adrian from class, he saw that Dotton Adabayo had his hand up.

I've been awake for 22 hours, sir.

Could I please go home?

Tim was seeing his production fall apart.

He was desperate to say, you knew the deal, Dotton, when you took the overnight show.

Have a coffee and splash some water on your face for God's sake, but he bit his tongue.

It's just I'm so knackered the facial recognition recognition feature doesn't work on my phone anymore, Dotton pleaded.

Yes, yes, yes, said Tim.

Go and have a lie down.

Shall we do a YouTube-style prank show instead, said Ali Bruce Ball.

Might feel a bit more contemporary than guys and dolls.

Steve Bunce took his opportunity to leave and Laura McGee followed.

Do you hear the people sing?

muttered Colin Murray.

That's Lee Mizarabla, screamed Tim.

Oh, forget it.

We never get asked to do any of these, uh,

any of these things at Five Live because of the unique way that we broadcast, because we're linear now instead of circular, or is it the other way around?

No, we are now circular instead of linear, Alice.

Um, yeah, you were the you were at the sleepover last week, yes, yeah, that is true.

I did.

Uh, have you ever been in a musical job?

Yeah, loads.

Oh, yeah, you such as uh, I co-directed, well, that's maybe assistant-directed guys and dolls at school, did you?

Starring Joel Domet,

but was he main role?

Yes, Sky Masterson, I think.

So, yeah, so presumably the drama teacher was the main director.

Yes.

And you were the assistant?

I was in charge of all the extras.

Okay, really?

I was creating...

Did you ask to do that?

Yes, I was creating...

It was my unplanned year off, and I had time on my hands.

Oh, so you've done your A-levels, but you're being accepted into school.

I've been rejected from all the universities.

So you're going back to school?

In a cool way.

To give back.

You were that guy.

Yes, I was giving back.

What, your high school?

Secondary school.

I didn't didn't live in America in the 50s, Dave.

Ours was called a high school.

Yeah, because you grew up in the Beach Boys.

In Bramall.

Secondary school.

It's called

Prince's school, yeah.

I wonder if that's just a kind of northwest thing, because there's a load of high schools in Stockport.

I know, they have middle school in Worcestershire.

And in the very confusing.

But no, I.

So were you wearing your own clothes, or did you have to get the older uniform out?

Look.

Sure.

When When someone from,

you know, year 14, which isn't even a year.

Yeah.

So you were 19.

Yeah, when someone from year 14 rocks up and they've got ripped jeans.

Megan.

And yes, and a blue reed t-shirt.

Oh, yeah.

So you didn't wear the uniform then?

Oh, but you would have had it.

Yeah, they no, I hadn't worn a uniform since I was 15 now.

You'd have grown out of it.

Yeah, because I went to sixth form.

Oh, okay.

When they rock up in their mini, smoking roll-ups,

using the S word,

you pay attention.

Okay.

Shame.

I've got to impress this guy because he is cool, which is why he has sat with the IT teacher and the drama teacher directing the extras because that's the job he's been doing

and helping paint the scenery.

Listen, there are plenty of people because the A-level results have just come out, obviously.

Yes.

Yes, you know, a few days ago.

Jeremy Clarkson's done his tweet.

Jake Humphreys has done his tweet.

Great.

They do their tweet every every year.

About how you don't need good A-levels.

My friend Dan, who got very good A-levels, was like, it didn't help me at all, actually.

So don't worry about it.

Yeah, every year I do my tweet saying I had great A-levels and

yeah, I'm really clever

and I win.

Yeah, and it's actually paid off for me.

Well, actually, I didn't get into unique the first time.

That's true.

So, there's, listen, there's there's nothing wrong with not being accepted to university you wanted if that's the path you want to take.

Yeah, I'm just curious that you went back to school.

Well, I have questions, okay, Dave.

I was also the unofficial photographer.

Okay,

there's a lot of the words

and sold them.

There's a lot of the words unofficial being punched in.

So, this is my big question.

Unauthorized,

unseen.

This is my big question.

Yeah, were you invited back, or did you ask proactively to go back?

Invited back.

Rumor began to spread that one of Thornbury's leading creative minds was taking an

unexpected gap.

He's gone to university, isn't he?

Where he was working in a virgin mega store and had a gambling problem.

Right.

And people thought,

this is what happens to great creatives when they've not got focus.

work in virgin megastores.

You know, they try and sell as many copies as Ibiza Chill, Volume 2, as they can.

This was the absolute epicenter of the Ibiza Chill era.

I love that.

With that advert where the woman's coming back from a nightclub at 4 a.m.

and she flops on the bed and listens to Ibiza Chill.

And I was just thinking to myself, you look suspiciously good considering you've been in nightclubs till 4 a.m.

Yeah, people haven't been out at all, actually.

People were buying hammocks they had no space for because that was front and center of the Ibiza Chill advertising was people on hammocks

listening to more chiba.

More chiburgs.

So obviously, the teachers, the music teachers, the I.T.

teachers, the drama teachers thought, we've got to get this guy while we can.

Next year, he's going to be in Hollywood.

He's hot property.

Yeah, it's like...

It's like you're a footballer out of contract.

You can go on a Bosman.

Yeah, or it's like, you know,

you know, can we get Robert Pattinson to be in our film?

Because he's going to be massive next year when Twilight comes out.

Can we get him pre-Twilight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah.

you were asked, yeah, just to be clear,

is that a lie?

It was an arrangement was made that I would return to school.

Because if you were asked, none of it would be unauthorised and unofficial.

It would be authorised and official.

Okay, let me.

And if you weren't asked and it was unauthorised and unofficial, why were you there?

Let me paint the picture in a different hue.

Okay.

Okay,

the star of Cabaret.

the star of Nicholas Nickleby, well, the co-star of Cabaret, the co-star of Nicholas Nickleby, the co-star of Comedy of Errors.

We've got him for another year.

Oh, right.

We thought he'd signed with Fox or Sony or Universal, but he wants to give something back to the community that made him.

That's a diverse CV.

Yeah.

Oh my God, I didn't know I was broadcasting with Jim Broadbent.

Herr Schultz in Cabaret, Aegean in Comedy of Errors errors with an expanded role because he's not in the book that's changing shakespeare and um smike and nicholas nickleby yeah pathos whatever i can do that yeah comedy yeah sure so so did they ask you

And I've got a question just to follow up and we will come back to that because I don't think we've quite got to the bottom of it.

What is a question?

What is asking?

I'll never get to the bottom of this.

Dave, sometimes creativity just is organic.

Yeah.

You know?

Was your sixth form part of the secondary school?

Or did you go out?

Some site, same school.

Okay.

Okay.

And did you have to wear a uniform?

No.

Okay.

Because we had to wear a uniform in sixth form.

No, we were very chilled.

I was wearing, you know, velvet jackets, pulp t-shirt and tie.

I wouldn't have liked that.

Actually, I preferred uniform because I didn't have to think about it.

Okay.

And I didn't have enough good clothes.

I would have felt a bit of a goon.

It's quite a questionable time for me, that, in terms of fashion.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, for everyone, I think.

It was a bootcutter.

Yes, it was the bootcutter.

It was.

Did they ask

you

that if you remember what you were doing in 1999, you weren't there?

Okay?

Yeah.

So,

I'm not going to ask you again.

I think I would remember that.

Well, I would remember the call if I was volunteering, and I would remember the call if I was being asked.

I just sixth form

was a state of mind and when everyone left I kept going back

because teachers are the only people I knew in my local area.

Oh,

it's very nice actually.

Do you know what?

It doesn't matter.

It's kind.

It doesn't matter.

It is.

It's kind the word maybe.

Empathy.

It's charitable.

It is.

Yeah.

But yeah, so I have been in musicals.

I have

I helped Joel Domit blossom.

into, according to the rest is entertainment, one of the best paid comedians in the world.

Really?

Yeah, Yeah, they did a rundown of the top 10 highest earning comedians in the country, and I felt glad for all of them.

Yeah.

I say go.

I say go for it.

If this is your protege, he's your friend.

Yes, we were in the same drama class.

Exactly.

And you both plowed your own unique furrows.

Yeah.

Just his is slightly less niche than yours.

Yeah, you both ended up where you'd probably want to be.

Do you want to be doing what's the

foamhead program called?

I can't remember.

I mean, everything he crops up on.

He's

masked singer.

Do you want to be doing masked singer?

I know he would

pay a hundred million thousand grand

to watch John present the masked singer.

To watch John going, take it off.

Take it off.

You'd be great next to Jonathan Ross.

You've absolutely fly.

I'll say this.

I think Joel does a slightly better job on that show than I did.

He's fantastic on it.

He is brilliant.

He's perfect.

Because you often don't show interest in things you like.

We once auditioned for the same hosting role.

It's the only time I've ever auditioned for like a shiny floor show.

I can't remember what the name of it was.

It was like Sky's version of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Right.

And that's called Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

But back in the day, it wasn't.

No, it was after Buzzcocks had finished, they tried to do their own before they brought it back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I remember thinking, I'm not sure my particular brand of aloof disinterest

is quite what they're looking for.

But, you know, great.

Isn't it crazy?

Isn't it crazy?

It is crazy.

We've done all right, mate.

We've done all right.

We're happy.

We're happy.

Good.

Shall we connect, I think, at this stage?

Or are you still...

What are you thinking?

I feel sad now for no reason.

Come on, man.

God, isn't life long?

That was ages ago.

It's great.

It It was ages ago.

It was 25 years ago.

25 years ago, I was doing stuff.

Yeah, but if your life was about to come to an end, it would feel too short, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah, I'm not saying it's too long.

I'm just saying it is long.

It's weird to think I was directing a school play with Joel Domet in it 25 years ago.

But isn't that nice to see that you two have kind of stuck to that path of entertainment when you were doing it then and now look at you still both kind of

it's all good it's just it's just confusing confusing.

It is confusing life.

How long have you been since you met Hannah?

We met halfway through high school,

secondary school.

On your way to the beach with your surfboards.

No, we did a thing called...

From Denver.

We were on the different sides of the year.

So there's two halves to the year.

And you don't really ever cross because you stay.

City and United.

Basically, yeah.

And you don't cross in terms of the classes you take.

So you're kind of, yeah, the year is divided in two.

And there was a week we used to do at Bramwell High School called Wow Week,

which was wide an hour world week.

Oh, okay.

It's good.

It's good because it's a week.

We'd eat crop madams and things.

It's a week off ordinary instance.

And it's slightly more hands-on, slightly more vocational type.

Painter fence somewhere.

Yes, but a bit more kind of within.

Tidy up a scout hut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and just do bits of that.

Steam clothes in a banados.

Yeah, but all within the grounds of the school.

I can't remember any of it, but it was a was a week.

See, it's hard to remember sometimes.

But that's when the halves of the years cross.

It's hard to remember if it's not significant, but whether you volunteered or not to direct assistant director school play at the age of 19, I think is significant.

So you and Hannah were picking up fag ends by the Space Cadet's Hut.

Sea Cadet's Hut.

Yes.

About, yeah, but when we were at 14, so I've known Hannah.

During

Hannah for nearly 30 years, that is

significant.

That feels mad.

But I like, but that makes that buoys me.

Yes, that's nice.

Yes.

I love Dave.

And the jugles.

Ever think when you were 14 that you'd be saying, oh, we've known each other for 30 years.

Yeah, but

I struggle to see

it's disorientating.

I'm not saying it's a downgrade.

I'm proud of it.

I'm not aging is a privilege.

If I could distill a bit of Dave Musterman and just inject John with it.

Well, it's quite nice that there's a bit of a.

I like your angles, Dave.

dave yeah hannah and i really enjoy every now and then um

kind of

chant

you

you are disgusting yeah i didn't say anything

what do you and hannah enjoy every now and then for special occasions

No, just reminiscing about our time and talk about people that we hung out with at school.

So it's quite nice that I've got someone that you can kind of reminisce about with a secondary school with on a Friday night over a glass of wine.

Where

if you, I suppose, if you get with someone later in life that you met in London and when you're 25, you've not got that connection all the way back.

She's met Geggsy, Degsy, and Skeggsy.

She's met them all, yeah.

Yeah, she's snogged them all.

No, none of them exist.

Right.

Speaking of snogging them all, Ellis is going to attempt to snog digitally a fellow Welsh person.

By snog, I mean connect with.

It's another Camri connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

We've got a couple of emails, Ellis.

Okay.

This is from Dominic Fury.

to the Crucial Three.

Like that.

Love that.

The Scouse Band in the late 70s.

On Monday, I went to the Royal Welsh.

Julian Corporate, I can't remember the other one.

On Monday, I went to the Royal Welsh Show.

What's that, Ellis?

It's, I think, Europe's biggest agricultural show.

And I worked behind the bar there in the members' bar in 1998 and 1999.

And it was a hell escape.

It was a lovely day out, but as we approached Romania...

Killing Johnny's off the floor.

John's right.

He was back at school then.

yeah um but one farmer said to me he said how much they pay me and I said three pounds an hour and he said run

did he

run out of beer oh that

was down well I'm sure we run out of beer on Champions Day

and people have paid their subs all year round to drink in the members bar and they would come

two pint diesel please which is what Welsh farmers call Syndrome Black

no no snake bite in black I'd say sorry I haven't got any would you like

a just juice?

Oh, no.

Oh, but they're a living.

They brought gin and bitter leather.

They were furious.

So, what happened?

The police were called to bring beer.

No, we borrowed beer from a local pub and then we ran out of that.

And then they were worried that there was going to be a riot.

So David Powers police turned up.

And we had to close the bar really.

But they were all on it at 10 a.m.

because it's San Antonio for farmers.

It's San Antonio.

Ibiza.

It is Ibiza for a dairy farmer.

Bill Thwells, the Royal Welsh Sugar Control Show.

It was a lovely day out, but as we approached one of the showgrounds, the Welsh Guards band struck up the opening chords of Men of Haalach.

I naturally started singing along with Cymru Connection lyrics.

I'm delighted to report that when I got to Where Did You Go to School, I noticed that a chap to my left and a lady who was standing in front of me also sang this line.

All three of us sang quietly in unison for the rest of the verse.

At the end, we gave a knowing nod to each other and then went went on our ways.

Love that.

There was only about 10 people in this section, so using the same maths that Ragar used to calculate viewing figures for TV programs or listeners for radio, we could thus deduce that at least 30% of the population of Wales know the Cymru connection and therefore listen every week.

Wow.

That's good.

Love that.

So last week Ellis failed to connect with Caller Gareth, despite the two of them knowing Berger.

Yeah.

It was also called Gareth.

Ellis's connection rate is now down to its lowest ever at just 45%.

We're still having fun.

Yeah.

Let's see if Ellis can turn things around and make that vital connection needed to boost Wales PLC.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

Wales PLC hangs in the balance.

What's the Welsh stock market called, Ellis?

There isn't one, unfortunately.

Sorry.

Look into it.

Okay.

There are 60 seconds on the clock.

Let's play the Cymru connection.

Your time starts now.

Ancient school.

Fishguard County Secondary, 56.

Oh, okay.

What do you do for a living?

I

retired.

Okay, what did you do for a living?

I was a gardener.

Where?

In I lived in Kumkoi, so all sort of South Caradigiana, North Pembrokeshire.

South Carolinian, North Pembrokeshire.

Do you know the victuals of Aglusuru?

I've heard of the name, but I don't know them.

Okay, that's fine.

That's fine.

Do you know Stephan Evans, the standard comedian from Aglasuru?

No.

Okay, that's fine.

Where do you live now?

Portugal.

Okay.

If you went to university, where did you go?

I went to South Morgan Institute of Higher Education.

Okay,

then if you're 56, do you like football?

I know.

Okay,

rugby.

Oh, do you know.

oh, what's his name?

Ah!

What's his name?

Go on, sir.

Get the name, pick the name out.

Oh, my god, I was in a drama with him.

Uh,

having John, the comic actor from uh Isum Kramik, very, very good comic actor.

You were a speaker.

Uh, Junior, but I'm just raised.

That's fine.

Okay,

okay.

Oh, God.

It's a sour atmosphere here in the studio.

I mean, based on some of your answers, I've got real questions about your career in the gardening industry.

Because you've retired to Portugal

in your 50s.

Was it a big garden?

Very fortunate.

Yeah.

Wow.

What a dream.

I mean, you are living Dave Masterman's dream.

I mean, I'm waiting to ask questions, but I just want to let Ellis just.

Oh, Ellis is gone.

He's gone gone.

We've lost him.

Where else in Portugal are you from?

Are you living?

I live in Lorina.

It's about 45 minutes north of Lisbon on what they call the Silver Coast.

Oh, lovely.

Lisbon's grey as well.

Portugal's great.

Do you know Mark Delaney, the footballer?

He's

a fish guy, isn't he?

I sort of, my sister knows him.

I know the Delaney family, but I don't know him personally.

No.

Do you golf?

No.

I fish.

You fish?

Do you fish in Portugal?

Yeah, sorry.

Yes, I fish in the Lagoa in Ovidosh, the saltwater fly fishing.

Do you know Simon Davis, the footballer?

He's from near there.

He's from St.

David again.

I know of him.

I don't know him.

Simon, do you have a connection in mind with Ellis?

I think there's possibly two.

Yes, there's one.

I know that it's probably a connection in Newport.

Is that where you got?

Newport Pembroke is where I got married.

Yeah, in where?

Inchesmervig.

Is it?

Inchley Smervig.

I got married.

Do you know the owners?

Yes, of course I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I played.

Well, I've known them since I was probably about seven or eight.

Oh, Sykes, Edward.

Of course.

And Lou.

Woods.

And also, I think my mum worked with you.

Did your mum work in Trinity College?

She did work there for many years, but I didn't know.

My mum worked there.

My mum worked there as well.

I didn't ask you about your mum.

What did your mum do?

And also, I'm not sure.

Did you live in Brixton?

Not far, yeah.

Yeah, I wouldn't, because I lived in Streatham, you see.

Oh, right, so my life.

But that would have been late 90s and stuff.

I wasn't sure whether.

I thought you lived in Brixton and there may be a connection to a delicatessen shop in Brixton that you might have frequented.

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

I wasn't in Brixton in the late 90s.

I was living in Cardiff then, I'm afraid.

Okay.

So, Ellis, are those areas areas on reflection you should have gone to, or are they curveballs?

The thing with ma'am working at Trinity is it is

basically to

Wales what sort of Apple is to California.

It's a big employer.

So, should you be going there more often?

Yeah, but I think you'd accuse me of cheating if I was always saying, Do you know ma'am?

Because ma'am will know everyone.

And what was the other one?

Well, no, because it has to pass the Nabelle programme.

Yes, that's true.

What was the other one?

There was...

Your mother connection.

Oh, the Newport Connection, of course, of course, of course, of course.

And this is a different Newport, isn't it?

This is Newport Pembrokeshire, Trevor Drive.

Yeah.

Oh,

never mind.

I lived in Cumcoim, so, you know, I North Pembrokeshire is my stomping ground.

Of course, and it's a fine stomping ground.

Did you ever snorkel in Cummereglos?

I swam in Gemma Reglos.

I never snorkeled there.

Probably fished there.

Me too.

But never mind.

That's fine.

It's fine.

It's this is good stuff.

Yeah, actually.

Well, we will all say a fisherman's prayer for you that you catch a big fishy today.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, not today.

I'm giving a mess.

There's dubbed tourists about at the moment.

Yeah, the bloody tourists.

Yeah.

Moving over there, retiring on the silver coast.

Oh, anyway.

Obregado.

I'm not a tourist.

I'm actually a Portuguese national.

Yeah.

Are you really?

I am.

How do you feel about that, Ellis?

Great.

I mean, no, no, no.

Have Have you learned Portuguese?

I'm in the process of doing it.

Oh, brilliant.

Yeah.

Oh, good stuff.

Lovely stuff.

Well,

nice to speak to you anyway.

You're living dear dream.

Yeah.

Bundia.

Bundia.

Botard now.

Pod?

The afterdoom.

What is it, sorry?

It's Bortard.

Ah, Bortard.

Yes, of course.

Bortard.

Okay.

Well, nice.

Sorry, what's your name?

Simon.

Simon Owen.

Nice to meet you, Simon, anyway.

Thank you very much for your call.

Okay, Diab.

Cheers.

Diob, Simon.

Ta-da.

I now know.

So, yeah, so two people laughed at me in the evening when I said, Bondia,

on the on the harbour.

I suppose you were saying good morning.

I was saying good morning.

Oh, poor Dave.

I just thought he meant good day.

Well, it does, but clearly it's a morning term.

Yeah.

I'm bored.

I think you would think it was quite sweet, though.

If a Portuguese person said good morning to me at 9 p.m.

They thought it was quite sweet.

No, they laughed.

They giggled and I thought I've done something wrong.

Yes, but always try, Div.

Always try.

Always try.

At least he doesn't say good penis or something.

There's always that.

Yeah, there is always that.

Yeah, that's what John says.

Yeah.

Right, let's gather our thoughts.

The percentage is plummeting.

I know.

I was really, because you could tell that Simon was answering quickly to

get to my.

Well, Simon believes in me.

I know, but it's shh.

And I just enjoyed talking to Simon.

Simon was lovely.

But I'm, you know, I'm not thrilled that I failed to connect.

No.

I should have gone down the Leesmedig, Trinity College route sooner.

Yeah.

I just, yeah.

That's my...

I hadn't realised that North Pembrokesha was his stomping ground to that extent.

Right, let's play a made-up game.

Yes, of course.

Oh, we're going to stick with the Gore Gorekies-inspired jingle from

Gary.

Gary, take it away.

Let's find a game to play.

Producer Dave will introduce the show.

But John won't listen, and Alice won't know

who will win at made up games.

Let's play.

Lovely.

Really nice.

Gorky's from South Pembrokeshire, of course.

Of course.

But I didn't go down that route.

Scores on the doors.

John's two games to love up, leading 30 love in the third game of the second set.

So he's pulling away, Ellis.

Producer Bertie has found something potentially of note in the Made Up Games records.

There is a distinct shift in Ellis's performance before and after we started doing the Cymru Connection.

In the BBC Sounds era, so from the Great Reset, before the 16th of July 2024, which is when we started the Cymru Connection, Ellis, your win rate or your record was 14 wins from 20, which was a 70% win rate.

Made-up made-up games at made-up games from that date the start of the cymry connection your record has been just 11 wins in 44 games so you've dropped to 25 percent okay which is

does does

he win more often after he wins after he connects good question maybe we should maybe there's a return of statman ross at some point soon on cymry connection because

the problem with statman ross is that he has to tell the truth yeah we all kind of yeah it would be tell you what would be interesting see a map of whales with the successful and unsuccessful connections to see if Ellis connects better with people from different parts of Wales.

Interesting.

Yes, that would be interesting.

But again, you know, I fear Ross's truth.

Yeah.

Great.

All right, then shall we play?

Yes.

This week's game comes in from Caven.

K-A-Y-V-A-N.

V-A-N.

Caven.

Good afternoon, my favourite Jew of Delectable Delights.

I was watching the 1% Club last night.

I really like the 1% club.

What's that?

It's a show presented by Lee Mac, and it's basically where you go from 100% through the percentages as to how many people from a survey got the question right.

So the questions get harder and harder until the final one you need to answer is the 1% Club.

Okay.

It's a good game.

Good format.

That's all you need.

A good format.

Yeah.

And you can tell it's been rolled out across.

I think Jim Jeffries does the Australian one.

Bluminak, what's happening?

Good and good.

He's got a new stand-up show i saw an advertise on netflix yesterday yes and he's doing shiny floor saturday night tv what and then using the c word

he doesn't have to use the c word

we don't all you know different no we can all have different wings of our company that's true i mean this is hr this is the opposite of hr this is the this is the reason we need hr

you're

you're different i'm different based on your different projects wordle and drama yeah your tone on how'd you cope is very different to your tone on Ellis and John.

Can you imagine if his tone on How do you cope was like it is on this, the way he speaks to me?

Can you imagine people with complaints?

It would be colossal.

You've not once called a guest the sea word on how do you cope, have you?

Not at all.

Very well behaved.

Very well behaved.

Very respectful.

He said that they've got cognitive decline.

Right, so Kavan was watching the 1% Club with the wonderfully quick Lemac and was astounded at his ability to come up with a relatable take on anything the contestants mentioned quick as a flash.

I mean, that's Lee Mac's gift.

It is.

Do you think he's getting heads-ups leading into the questions of what they're

but still very, very competent?

He's too quick.

Yeah.

I mean,

if you spend time with him in a social situation, you'd realize how quick his brain really works.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It got me thinking, surely Alice and John will be good at this.

From Slotted Spoons to Water in the 80s, you're the kings of relatable content.

So I present to you a game to test those abilities.

It's called, Is It Relatable?

That's debatable.

It's a very straightforward game, as the best of them are.

Dave will give you both a broad topic.

And they are broad.

I think you've got to go specific for this sort of thing.

Do you?

Yeah.

Okay, well, maybe I'll try and specify before we get to it.

We're then going to give you 30 seconds to come up with a relatable take and crucially a funny take.

So it's like you're meeting someone on a game show and they're saying, oh, I'm Doris and I, you know, I work for the local Oxfam.

I think it's a bit more have you ever noticed type vibes.

So like more Michael McIntyre's Mandrel or Peter Kay's garlic bread type vibes.

So you want us to come up with one of the most sort of

genre-defining stand-up comedy sets in 30 seconds?

Yeah, it's what we're always doing.

These always go well.

A little comedy take or observation that would satiate a whole family watching TV on Christmas Day.

I'll tell you who can do this is Sean Walsh.

Do you see he was interviewed by Josh Widakham on Ridge 2 and Josh made him do this?

Oh, really?

And he just had to come up with Michael McIntyre-escan angles, and it is incredible.

Dave decides the winner of each round.

Most points at the end of this is the winner.

His judging will be done on a mix of humour and relatability.

Can I do it in Michael McIntyre's voice?

Yes.

It will help.

Absolutely.

Okay.

I'll decide the winner on each round.

Most points at the end.

There'll be three rounds in total.

We'll win.

The themes are broad.

Let's give it a go.

Same theme for everyone.

No, that would be mad.

No, no, same theme for both of us.

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.

So round one is kitchens.

Okay.

You have 30 seconds.

I think you just know seconds is probably better.

Fine.

Okay.

So you just take it in turns.

John, we'll come to you first.

Yeah.

Round one, best of luck, is kitchens.

Okay.

Hey, everyone, nice to see you.

Always nice to be in Barnsley.

And yeah, nice to be back.

Needed to pick up some stuff for my vape.

And

yeah, I was just thinking the other day, I was in my kitchen and I saw a mug and I was like, oh, I've had that mug for a long time.

And I've had that mug since 2007.

And I'm like, I remember the ex-girlfriend that got me that mug.

But I thought, I won't pick that one because it'll make me sad.

Then I looked at another mug and thought, hang on, I've had that mug since 2010.

And that was a gift from an ex-girlfriend's parents.

And then I realized that all my mugs were a reminder of all my mistakes.

And I just stood there in silence.

But in fairness, that does sound like a routine that John would write.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That's what I did.

It's me.

Yeah,

it doesn't sound like something Michael McIntyre would say.

Oh, God, no.

That would be a major misstep for the wheel.

Another good show.

It works with plates as well.

Yeah, go on.

But it's just as though we're from a shared house.

Tea towels.

2013.

Tea towels?

Tea towels.

I can't use them.

Okay.

I just use my hands.

Dry dishes.

Yeah.

Just wipe it off with my hands, then wipe my hands on my top and then throw the dish on the floor.

So you wipe off the excess with your hand and then...

I just chuck the plates most of the time.

Paper plates?

No, no, china.

Finest china.

Okay.

Use once.

Okay.

All right, then.

John, thank you.

Thanks, Dave.

Enjoyed it.

Enjoyed it.

So, Ellis,

kitchens.

I'll tell you: the most annoying kind of kitchen, the galley kitchen.

Who on earth would want a galley kitchen?

It's too thin.

And you're trying to make Christmas dinner and it's too thin.

And you're bumming it to your mother-in-law and you're touching all the plate.

And oh my god, there's rush potatoes everywhere.

Who would want a galley kitchen outside of a boat?

I don't know why this is apart from people who live in small fats, and that's fine.

But also, you're just walking around and then you're getting the heat from the oven and then you're opening the fridge, making the things go off in the fridge.

You're like, oh my god, and then you just throw the gravy down the sink, and then you're sick.

There we go.

So more McIntyre-esque.

Yes, but with a little bit of Trump in there.

I noticed Trump.

And Welsh.

Elwood.

Yeah, well he is.

It's like a posh Welsh Donald Trump if you sped him up.

Yeah, and

that's what we need.

I feel, I don't know whether I want to judge this because it was both good stuff and I don't want to damage anyone's egos.

Oh, my ego's gone.

It's just damage away.

It doesn't bother me.

Because that was both different,

but entertaining in equal measure.

I think in Edinburgh, John's would do very well because of the sad aspect.

Yeah, but it's not an earner.

Ellis is Saturday night.

Yeah, but the critics are going to like John.

So what are you, Dave?

Are you the man of the people or are you a critic?

I'm going to go for the broad appeal there.

Ellis gets the win with narrow kitchens.

Galley kitchens.

Narrow galley kitchen.

Christmas dinner with your parents-in-law.

Round two is cars or driving.

Okay.

So we will switch it up, of course.

Ellis, we'll come to you first.

What's your hot take on cars?

I don't want to criticize my wife.

I absolutely adore the woman.

She's so good.

But they were driving along and she needs to thank someone.

And she saw this being done in a film, so she just lifted a finger off the top of the wheel, but her hand's too small, so it didn't look like a thank you, and it looked like a personal slight.

And I'm like, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

And then she panicked and she drove into a bollard.

Yes, there you go.

Another McIntyre

carton driving John Cove.

You know that feeling when you're driving late at night and the road's completely empty and you think, what if I just drove into that central reservation at 80 miles an hour?

I could do that.

And you feel that little twinge in your wrist to move the wheel, but you don't.

You just stop off at Toddington instead.

Yes.

Which is emotionally the equivalent if you've ever been to Toddington services these days and sat in the toilet for half an hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there's a comfort in knowing that you could.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah.

Good.

That's his punchline

it's different styles it is very different styles imagine that on the wheel oh god no well they wouldn't the bbc wouldn't saturday night takeaway yeah they're like why this we don't need a downer yeah yeah was this the was this the type of warm-up stuff you're doing on deal or no deal closer than you'd think yeah

yeah the problem is you've got to keep spirits up on deal or no deal yeah no one is saying keep spirits down on any form of tv warm-up

Is it the big show, the one on the Saturday, where he goes into people's houses at 2am?

Imagine that on the big show.

Central reservation chat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Him bursting in on your therapy session.

Ellis.

Yeah.

It was still good.

Dave, obviously that's better.

What?

Ellis is.

You just want it to be close.

A little finger up.

That's a good observation.

It's a good observation.

It's better than to drive into a central reservation chat.

I noticed that the other day.

Just a finger up, but his finger was massive.

Yeah.

And I thought a lot of people

don't have the luxury of that choice.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people's fingers are too small to register.

But his finger was huge.

You're right.

You're right, John.

2-0 to Alice.

Should we do the third one for the fun of it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Holidays.

So have a little think.

Where are the takes?

Where are the angles?

Are we ready?

John.

Okay, just a short one from me, Dave.

Okay, all good.

Yeah,

big fan of holidays, or as I call them, spending two grand to hate yourself in a different room.

Yeah, and again, and climate.

Different climate, you could say.

Different language.

There is a market for this, though.

Big market.

What for?

For John's unique angles.

Oh, yeah, he's...

And I throw in that Jet 2 meme.

Yeah,

they sound to me less like routines, but more like huge, viral tweets from an anonymous account that would be called something like, I hate everything.

Yeah, so I'll change it to climate.

I think that's funnier, actually.

What do you mean?

Too grand to hate yourself in a different climate.

Like, bosh.

Tweet.

10 likes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Holidays, Alice.

Okay.

Oh, every July a sort of collective insanity takes people where two perfectly normal, reasonable adults decide to take their children on a flight.

And you think to yourself, oh my god, and you're desperate to go to Portugal to have a lovely getaway from it all, but that's what you're actually doing is going on holiday and trying to do child care with far less of the things that you need to make living looking after children available.

And they're kicking the seat, they're kicking the seat, and there's no screen because it's short.

All and you're trying not to shout at them because people judge you on flights, don't they?

Oh my goodness, me.

And then you're there for a week, you forget to put the sun cream on, your kids burn, and then you come back.

both good

i mean it's it's already 2-0 to alice

my man i might give the third to alice it's fine though i think you i think as ever and i think also that this

um this observation is also true for john's real life stand-up and michael mcintar any observational comics real life stand-up you are seeing more of a glimpse into the real john from his routines than my own routines i'm not giving an enormous away amount uh, enormous away.

I'm not giving an enormous amount away about how I actually live or think with my stuff.

Yes.

Whereas with John, it's I now know his mindset and I've been giving it with a sniper's accuracy.

But I wonder if sometimes people see themselves more in the subjective stand-up, Dave.

A lot of people hate themselves on holiday, Dave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, on the surface, it may be a 12-minute routine about buying a slotted spoon.

Yeah.

But deep down, there's a great observational bit in there about how hard it is to wash sieves.

Uh, there is,

and I saw the 12-minute long slot uh routine about a slotted spoon at the Hammersmith Apollo and it had sold out.

So, there is a market for John's unique brand of self-loathing, absolutely, he hates himself, but he's making coin out of it, and you've cornered that market.

I'm actually sneaking a happy observation through a very sad customs,

yes, yeah, you are.

I'd actually say you're Britain's premier self-loathing comedian.

You can't argue with it.

I do.

Yeah.

Running through the roller decks of comedians who hit themselves, and I think you're the most successful.

So you've actually cornered self-loathing.

I would,

and it'd be an interesting switch for him.

But I think it'd go to, I'd like to see McIntyre just go properly.

Self-loathing.

Dark, yeah, for one tour.

McIntyre finally getting in touch with the Abyss.

Yeah, I'd love to see it.

I think that would suck.

McIntyre.

Yes, absolutely.

McIntyre's

good.

It's a win for Alice.

It's a win.

Much needed.

I needed that.

You did need that.

You did need that.

Interesting.

If I was able to choose, like, you know, how occasionally football fans will be asked, would you prefer your team to win the Premier League or England to win the World Cup?

Yeah.

I would take a Cymru Connection win over a made-up game win.

Would you?

Yeah, psychologically for me, personally.

Yeah.

It's just the way I am.

Would you prefer Swansea to win the Premier League or Wales to win the World Cup?

Having given this some thought,

just about, I think I'd prefer Wales to win the World Cup.

Because more people are going to be happy.

Yeah.

Two best moments of my football supporting life were Wales beating Belgium in the quarter final of Europe 2016 and then the Swans beating Valencia in the Europa League because I was at that game out in Spain

and I thought this is as good as it gets because the Spain, the Swansie Valencia game was first, it was in 2013.

I thought this is as good as it gets

actually.

And I remember standing there thinking, this is my pinnacle.

And then three years later, we were in the semi-final of the Euros.

So that changed my opinion a little bit.

I reckon there'd be

quite an imbalance between English fans and Welsh fans.

because I think the majority of English fans who support a team who have never won the Premier League would pick their club.

I know I certainly would have done before City won it.

Rather than England.

I don't know about that.

There are loads of Welsh people who support big clubs.

And there are loads of Swansea fans who loads of Swansea fans and Cardiff fans who choose Cardiff for Swansea.

Oh, would they?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

That's a curious.

I think the opposite is true in rugby union, actually.

I think most people choose Wiz to win the Grand Slim over the Ospreys to win

something big.

But yeah, it's just terrible news for rugby union that you can't remember the name of whatever the big competition is.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't got a clue.

Cardiff?

Well, is it Cardiff?

Is that the name of the competition?

Well, that's Cardiff.

The Cardiff Blues.

Is it the Cardiff Blues?

Yeah, yeah.

The regions.

So the Ospreys and the Dragons and the Scarlets and the Cardiff Blues.

Oh, I see.

Got it.

And I actually can't remember what they take part in anymore.

I actually would like to edit this video.

Oh, no, sir.

You've always pinned your colours to the bottom.

We're blaming you.

We're blaming the RFU, W.

W-R-U.

The R-FU is the English one.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Yes.

Or the administrative body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't hate the player or the game.

Yeah, hate the governing body.

The governing body, because they're getting it wrong, Dave.

Right.

Let's do some dads are mad.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods.

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of shot onto the timber and strike a match.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

Okay,

I've got two mad dads for you.

I'm going to start with this one.

Dear Alice John, I thought I'd write in to share a couple of memories from our first family trip to Orlando back in in the early noughties that I think put my dad squarely in the mads category.

In the 18 months leading up to the trip, my dad fully transformed into what can only be described as a theme park operations commander.

He read the unofficial guide to Walt Disney World 2004 cover to cover, going through several packs of post-it note index arrows as well as every other Disney Universal travel guide he could get his hands on from the local library.

He extracted the wisdom contained on the pages within, cross-referenced them, and began building his own optimal ride efficiency strategy.

However, he decided the official park maps were not up to snuff.

The numbers for the rides didn't match the order of each day's plan.

There were attractions listed that we weren't going on.

There were irrelevant entries for things like restaurants and cafes, which of course we weren't going to, each had packets of raisins and cereal bars in bum bags that we could eat on the move for maximum efficiency.

Yes, please.

So he opened up Photoshop, edited out the official numbers, and replaced them with a different colour scheme and relabeled the attractions using his own custom key.

The final product was a ring-bound A4 folder containing one sheet per day with a printed schedule outlining exactly what we were doing and when, with little to no room for deviation.

Notes included things like: if Q

under 14 minutes, ride, if Q over 14 minutes, defer,

move to next ride, reattempt after 2:45

The system was executed with military precision

until it encountered its nemesis, the revenge of the mummy.

A new ride at University Studios.

It had only just opened that year, so wasn't covered in the box yet.

Uh-oh.

We all loved it and wanted to go on again.

But that

was not on the agenda.

Yes, no, thank you.

My sister and I twisted his arm, not literally, and persuaded him to let us us go on it a second time.

Unfortunately, this is where the day's plan fell apart.

He spent the rest of the day muttering and tutting to himself about being off schedule and complaining at every kill we encountered that this wouldn't have happened if we'd stuck to the plan.

We didn't make the re-riding mistake again.

Despite the excessive spreadsheeting and the intense maximum efficiency at all times energy, we were grateful that we managed to do everything in the parks.

It was a great trip and we've been back two or three times since, but never again with the ring binder.

All the best, anonymous.

Ooh,

I like the sound of that chap.

It's a bit Colin, isn't it?

It's a bit Colin, but you're actually, you know, you might think Colin's not fun, but Colin is ensuring you get on more rides.

Also, it's because he was excited about going on holiday deep down before going.

He wanted to do something that Colin is squeezing all of the juice out of the lemon there.

Yeah, Colin is YOLO there.

I knew a friend of mine at school, his dad had always wanted to visit Florida.

Yeah.

And he'd been saving like a fiver a week for years.

So they had like a slush fund.

And then when I was about 12 or 13, they went.

And it had been his dream holiday for about two decades.

Like he'd always tried to imagine what Florida would be like, and he couldn't wait to go.

And so then I think if, you know, Orlando is an amazing.

When then what happened?

I'm investing.

Did they have a great time?

Yeah, of course they did.

But what I'm saying is.

I thought you were going to say they got there and he had, you know, his bum fell off.

No, No, no, no, no.

But what I'm saying is, with this, even though it's sort of...

This would be daft if it was Alton Towers or Chessington, but you have gone to Orlando.

I don't know who gets daft at Chessington or Alton Towers.

I don't know.

I think we probably think...

I don't think we feel like a laugh.

It's because we probably know them quite...

We're quite familiar with the likes of ATT.

Either of them don't.

You've never been to AT?

You never beat Alton Towers.

Oh, when we were...

We went to Durham Cathedral.

That was our roller coaster when we we were kids.

Even to a spiritual one.

Are you going to heaven or hell?

No, no.

Be good, though.

When we went to Alton Towers, my little sister was about three inches too short for every

single rise.

We went to Lightwater Valley.

You know, if you're backing West Yorkshire,

the world's longest wooden roller coaster.

That's...

Well, Europe's longest wooden roller coaster was in Oakwood in Pembrokeshire, which has since closed down, unfortunately.

But

yeah, so I've sort of...

This is not me.

I would turn up at Orlando, Disneyland and riff it.

You, that is a nightmare.

Your kids are hating that holiday with you riffing.

Can't be riffing.

The riff Disneyland experience.

Do you know what that's known as?

Queueing.

Yeah.

Because all the riffers queue.

Yeah.

Because they're thick.

The planners ride.

The riffers queue.

But what I'm saying is he's...

so I'm sympathetic, but it does make me laugh because of the amount of planning.

18 months.

But you know what?

It's also well.

I live a riffed life.

No, but you're spending more money at.

What park?

Was it Disneyland?

You're a sheep.

He's a shepherd.

Yeah?

Because you'll spend more money to then kind of make up for the fact that you've not planned properly.

Because you'll end up, the kids will be annoyed, so you have to get them a load of more stuff to keep them happy.

You'll end up buying those Q jumping tickets on the door.

Which are expensive.

On the Yeah, frightfully expensive from a member from Chessington.

But, you know, that is the cost, the hidden cost of the rift lifestyle.

Yeah, it's crippling.

Yeah.

But it's fun.

Throw money at the problem.

Throw money at the problem if you can and have a laugh.

What's your tactic, Dave?

I'm in between the two there.

I will absolutely plan ahead of the day.

and make sure I'm on the website to see whether there are some discounted queue jumpings.

I think it, and I don't know what the prices are for a big place like a Disneyland.

I would usually,

if you can afford it, the queue jumps are a bit of a godsend.

But it's also just working out on the day.

Maybe, maybe.

Family of four for a week in and around Disney World, you've got to be looking at 10 grand.

Easy.

It's going to be very expensive.

It's crazy money.

Yeah.

So why don't we all just stay at home?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

riff in the kitchen.

Yeah.

And just see your rent or your mortgage as your holiday cost.

Yeah, and the baths, the bathrooms, the lake or the beautiful mountainside lake.

Yeah.

Go into the local Tesco and just pretend you don't know what anything is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And the toilet is your nemesis.

The toilet is your nemesis.

Eat a slightly different dinner.

Yeah.

Just cook dinner badly.

Listen to dinner.

No, it's not for me.

I prefer the food back home.

Listen to American music.

And wear flip-flops.

And wear flip-flops.

Wear havianas, Dave.

yeah yeah heating up heating on max yeah too hot way too hot way too hot flip-flops on yeah

uh eating american rather than english mustard ask them ask your next door neighbor if you can sit in their house for half an hour yeah yeah yeah

yeah and and wish them to say have a nice day like americans do yeah god everyone's idiots aren't they going to disney a saving go in the loft and yeah yeah we can't limit spend a day in the loft

i yeah why can't you get in the loft we have numerous mice.

Do you?

Everywhere.

Wow.

But we don't put the cats in the loft.

We'll do that.

Oh, that's not a bad point.

Colo does like to go there.

But we know there's loads because the droppings are everywhere.

So, what are you doing about it?

Humane mouse traps.

No.

And off air, you can tell me what you're really doing.

I'm very rarely in the

park.

Flamethrower.

Asbestos dust.

We are doing humane mousetraps and Hannah laid that.

It's all Hannah's talked about all week.

She cannot get it out of her head.

And it's fair enough.

These sorts of things kind of consume her.

And I just kind of think, oh, it'll be fine.

They're all right.

Yeah, riff it.

They're all right up there.

Riff your infestation.

Yeah.

But you can tell it's just, she's washing up at the sink, and you can just tell as she stares out the window, she's thinking about the mice.

In her head is just thousands of mice.

Thousands of mice around.

And then I get, and I sometimes watch, and in my head, I go, I know what the next thing she's going to say.

And it's,

but do you think we should get the mousetraps from here it's just constantly in her head yeah so anyway we laid them yesterday and zero mice have gone anywhere near the peanut butter this they like Nutella now these are kidding yeah we just bought a load of peanut butter they like tick tock tick tock yeah yeah yeah you've just got to put loads of iPhones up there open TikTok they don't like cheese that's just Tom and Jerry but they stink

The smell of rodents is horrible.

Yeah, because they're urinating and defecating all over your house.

Yeah.

Have you called a

exterminator?

Not yet, no.

We were just trying the humane house.

I cannot wait until you give this waste of time a try and then end up just spending it.

No, bless Hannah.

She hates killing anything.

Of course she does because she has a beautiful soul

full of sunlight and joy.

But your house is going to crumble under urine.

Because one of our friends laid poison.

Won't name them.

Caused quite a bit of stress in the household.

They laid poison, but then the mouse, the mice, I think it might have actually been rats, then just ran back into the mortar and the bricks and mortar inside the walls and died in the walls.

I recommend the episode of Three Bean Salad, which is just called Rats Exclamation Right.

And the Christmas special.

No, I don't recommend that.

That made me feel physically sick for an hour and a half.

Oh, I quite enjoyed it.

But the episode Rats, where they abandon their topic for that week and Henry just tells the story of getting rats removed from his house is one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

Right.

Right.

It's about three years ago.

Yeah, Ratmus.

No, not Ratmus.

I do not convert it to him.

Enjoyed Ratmus.

Maybe feel sick twice.

They did two Ratmus episodes.

Oh, I want to listen to Ratmus.

Great.

Listen to Ratmus on the train on the way home.

Yeah, okay.

Well, listen, I'll update you on the mice because this is now basically our life for however long.

Until you kill them.

We won't.

They'll just live in our loft.

Yeah, they will.

And that's fine as well.

That's all right.

It just means you can't go in your loft.

You can.

Live with them.

Live with the smell will get really bad.

And what happened is the urine will start to actually disintegrate the tiles and the flooring up there.

Oh, so the house is going to fall down?

Yeah, it will.

It does.

That does happen.

Does it?

Yeah.

How big are these mice?

Well, there's hundreds of them.

Did you see that rat in Normanby in Middlesbrough that was as big as a cat?

No.

In the Guardian, in a bag.

In the Guardian in a bag?

The article was in The Guardian.

The rat was in a bag.

And

I think there might be in a bin strike or something, but someone in

a local person who did not want to be named described it as a rat buffy,

and they're all becoming like super rats.

Well, I saw the UK's biggest spider as discussed.

I wonder if, like, is climate change making pests bigger?

Because this spider was not a house spider that I had ever seen.

Really?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh, God, it's stressful, isn't it?

But she doesn't want the poison because there's bats up there as well.

Are there?

Yeah, but we like the bats.

Yeah, because you like the bats.

Bats are really smelling.

Bats will smell too.

They'll be urinating and defecating as well.

Does it smell div?

House smell div.

The loft stinks.

That's stinking.

You need to call a specialist who will know how to deal with mice and bats and keep the bats because you're not allowed to do anything with bats.

At the minute, Hannah's the specialist.

I'm just seeing this one out for a little bit.

There will be a point where desperation kicks in.

Yeah.

And we'll move to the next stage.

The I told you so stage.

And I'll never say that with my mouth.

No, not with your mouth.

With your big sign.

Weird mice

with your big flag.

I'll wake up.

She'll wake up and I'll be there with the sign.

Weird mice when my son had just been born.

He was about three weeks old.

And I remember putting him down in his Moses' basket, looking up, and there were mice all over the curtains of our bedroom.

Are you kidding me?

No, it's because a lot of houses in our street had work done at the same time.

And so all the mice, for some reason, went to our house.

And

we had to get the mouse man out twice, and it was difficult to get rid of them.

So I would urge you

to get a professional.

Why didn't you just let them raise him?

You spent half of your time reading him stories about mice.

Yeah.

One thing left for you to do.

Your first mouse boy.

The mouse boy.

The mouse boy.

He'll be in the news in 10 years' time.

Mouse boy.

Mouse on the curtains.

It was mice on the curtains.

Right, mice on the curtains.

I've never experienced pests within the actual living areas, apart from spiders.

Yeah.

But like, it's always been in the loft or in the eaves.

Yes.

Yeah.

We now have mice being brought in by cats, but that's a different issue.

It's a different issue.

Yeah.

Wow, wow.

Once they brought in a pigeon, which was still alive, and I had to catch it as I I was about to leave to go to a funeral, which was great because I was in my suit, ready to go.

That feels like an episode of Mr.

Bean.

Yeah,

it felt like an angry, far more sweary version of Mr.

Bean because some of the words I said, honestly, they would make a Christian

blush.

Tell you what, that's not a bad idea for like a sitcom.

It's like a triple X rated version of Some Mothers Do Aven.

Yeah, I was just terrified.

I didn't want to take my suit off to deal with it, but I was terrified the bird was going to mess on my suit on the way to the funeral.

And it was problematic, but it got done.

Did you take the pigeon's body along with you to sort of

chuck it in with the dirt on top of the bird?

No, no, the pigeon was alive and unharmed.

They brought him in, so then I had to catch the pigeon and carry him out of the house.

How did you do that?

It was very scared, so I just had to get rid of the cats first.

And then I just picked him up.

Oh.

And and i got izzy to open the door and i put him down on the ground and he just sort of looked at me and i thought come on

i can't help you more than this so then i walked towards him and he might have walked maybe two or three inches and then looked back at me as he was saying what i was like you were in a cat's mouth five minutes ago He's probably in shock.

Yeah.

So then I walked towards him more and then he eventually sort of hopped off and was under the car for a bit and then I said, Did you put one of those little silver blankets around him and make him a cup of sweet tea?

No, I didn't.

No, I wish I had died a funeral to get to.

Of course, of course, of course.

Well, thank you everyone for listening.

We will be with you again next week, won't we, Dave?

Friday.

Friday, of course.

Yeah.

Anything to plug?

John's brand.

Yeah, my brand, Dave.

Yeah, you can.

And also the great podcasts that are part of the Audio Always Network.

I don't know if we can.

I don't know if we can, we can.

We've been generic enough there.

What we should probably be doing, Alice, and you really should have been aware of this, is plugging the great podcasts on the BBC Sounds.

Oh, yeah, and New Balance

and Assex.

Thank you, J and Nike are good, aren't they?

And Reebok and Adidas.

And Saucini, Soconi, Socconi, yeah.

I've made a fool of myself in this trainer shop.

Yeah,

I think it's ASICs, actually.

Yeah, oh god, Brooks, yeah, and Hooker, yes,

Sorted.

Puma.

Sorted.

Sorted.

Bye.

Bye.

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