#462 - Burger, Sell Me Your Suitcase and Topless Dave In Front of An Olive

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Hello everyone, there's a few bleary eyes in the studio today as last night it was Five Lives' annual sleepover.

A chance for presenters and management to kick back and socialise.

Every year a different presenter hosts the hijinks and yesterday it was Adrian Chiles' turn.

His Thameside apartment was the perfect setting and on the minibus from Broadcasting House all talk was of what food Chiles would be providing.

I hope it's egg sandwiches, said Matt Shawley.

Egg sandwiches are my favourite, and Ed Miliband agrees with me.

What's your favourite sandwich, Tony?

I don't bloody know, Matt.

Cheese, said Tony Livesey, who was trying his best to concentrate on the only Fools and Horses DVD that the driver had put on a small TV.

A screwed-up ball of paper hit the back of Chorley's head.

Ow!

Who was that?

Naga Manchetti and Rick Edwards looked out of the window with smirks on their faces.

They each had a bag of Mawam stripes and they weren't sharing.

It doesn't matter what the food is, Edwards snarled.

It's all about the video.

And don't worry, if Charles drops the ball, I've got a little something up my sleeve.

Ellie Oldroy chimed in.

I personally hope he's got some good games.

Do you remember last year when Tim stormed off in a strop and we found Kaplunk?

That was a right laugh.

Tim Davies stared into the distance.

The bus driver hadn't let him come on with his Soleros

in case he got sticky fingers on the seats.

So he'd had to eat them all as everyone was getting on, and this was the worst brain freeze he'd ever had.

So he'd put on his headphones and was listening to the Chemical Brothers.

By 7pm, we were all in Adrian's snug room.

Blankets and pillows were laid out in front of Adrian's enormous TV, and on the table there was Fanta, Dr.

Pepper, on your rings, frazzles, and two big bags of Doritos with a mild salsa dip.

This is great, Adrian, said Dotton.

Two questions.

What are we eating?

And what's the film?

Yeah, Adrian, said everyone in unison as Matt Chorley got into his pajamas.

I've got something special for tonight.

For food, I've prepared a taste of Wolverhampton.

What?

shouted Naga as she slipped Rick Edwards a tequila buzzball from her overnight bag.

I thought I'd take you on a culinary tour of my hometown.

Dotton's face dropped, and Mazfaruki stared at the urinal on the wall.

Oh, come on!

I've got tribe sandwiches, grey pies and bacon, pork scritchings, steak pies for putting this lardy cake and sugar sandwiches.

Tim Davey looked ominously at Chiles.

Need I remind you, I'm missing a man versus goose training session for this.

I've got you bloody chock horses, Tim, said Adrian, handing the Director General a box of six.

Own brand?

screamed Tim.

Oh, it's all they added, the ASDA.

But I texted you about it.

Tim was trying not to cry and stormed out.

What are we watching, Adrian?

Rick Edwards said with a grin.

Ah, yes.

I've rented Robin Hood Men in Tartes.

Yes, said Matt Shawley.

MAGA!

And started doing a dance by the TV.

Rick.

Rick threw a knowing glance at Naga.

Hmm.

Have you got another TV in the house?

I've brought something a little more grown up for those who have the stomach.

Edwards reached into his no-fear satchel and brought out a video.

Anyone for Hellraiser 2?

Gasps all around.

Rick, that's an 18.

Chill out, surely.

Worried your mum might find out?

Ellie Oldroyd grabbed the video from his hand.

Rick, no.

Remember what happened at Nikki Campbell's when you made us watch Gremlins?

He couldn't sleep all night, and that was just a 15.

She stood in front of the teleresolute.

Then producer Dave burst in.

Lanzarati Vibes in the area.

Sorry I'm late, folks.

What's going on?

He threw 200 Benson and hedges to Rick.

Sorry he didn't have Mayfair.

25 quid when you got it, pal.

Cheers, Dave, said Rick.

Adrian was losing patience we're watching robin hood men in top

it cost me two pounds fifty and these parties are getting cold yes decent said matt shawley before doing another dance

And so they all sat down on the big sofa to watch the film.

Adrian chuckled away, Naga rolled her eyes and laughed at the messages Rick was sending her on MSN.

And Dave eventually took off his sombrero.

Even Tim Davies sloped back in after the trailers had finished.

He had chocolate all around his mouth.

Matt Shawley said he wanted a cocktail, so he mixed together Fanta Coke and Dr.

Pepper in a paper cup, but he drank it too fast and was sick in Adrian's urinal.

The night was a big success.

By the time Dotton left at midnight, everyone was sound asleep.

As he crept out of the lounge to do his late-night show, all he could hear was the sound of snoring and Adrian's gentle guffs.

It's nice, though, for team bonding.

It's so nice.

I haven't been to a sleepover since I was about 15 or something.

So the first time I went, oh, God, I was in between

Rick and Tony Lipsey, and we just talked.

Yeah.

It was really, really nice.

It was the first time I'd ever had salt and sweet popcorn in the same bowl.

Yes, which I didn't think would work, but it does.

It does.

Oh, my gosh.

And we watched Poltergeist.

We watched Poltergeist, Dave.

There we go.

It's good characterisation.

I enjoy it.

I can see it.

You can see it.

It was because you were there, Dave.

I was there, of course.

Of course.

And it's wonderful.

It's wonderful.

How's everything doing?

I'm very good.

I'm still in an oasis sort of reverie.

Yes, but

we've now actually expanded.

The town is bigger than one anecdote.

This is becoming one of the first cities.

And it's a city built on anecdotes, brackets, general.

Oh, my.

And Dave, you just got back from Holly Bobs.

I have.

So, how were your hollybobs?

Oh,

lovely.

What are the highlights?

There was a few challenges.

Ear infections.

No.

Oh, rife.

Amongst the kids or amongst the elderly?

The kids.

Do they spread?

No, but I think the spread of fun diving into the swimming pool spreads.

Oh, I used to get terrible ear infections when I was a kid.

In and out of the pool, in and out of the pool.

In my left ear.

Yeah.

And

now I don't believe what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it.

Stopped after a GP gave me homeopathy,

which people say is a load of garbage.

And I don't know whether it is.

I mean, people have t-shirts saying that it's load of a bitch.

Yeah, and it probably is.

But all I know is once Dr.

Burney gave me my homeopathy, and my ear never got infected again.

Oh, well.

It could be a placebo.

Who knows?

Yeah.

So you've had a bulletproof ear since you were a little kid.

Yeah, but it did burst the eardrum a bit.

And I think that doesn't help with tinnitus.

Oh, interesting.

Well, we've got perforated eardrums that have come back from

Portugal.

Perforated eardrums.

That's horrible.

Yeah.

Did that.

It fixed bad.

He had labyrinthitis.

That's horrific.

That's when you can't stand up because your balance goes.

So it's like you're falling when you're standing.

Oh, no.

And he was like,

am I telling tales out of school here?

No, I'm sure he would say this, but he was on a beach, like literally hands on the floor trying to get...

trying to stop the world spinning and kept throwing up.

Oh, really bad stuff.

How did you get over a perforated eardrum?

What have they given him?

Not drop.

Drops are what caused the problem because they were dropping into his ears when they thought he just had, this is my nephew,

had an ear infection whilst they're out there.

And they've come back and they said, actually,

the overdoing of the drops has probably not helped the perforated eardrum because you're almost putting more pressure on the eardrum.

You can't win.

You can't lose doing this sort of thing.

It sounds like you're just losing.

You can't lose.

No, you can.

And then Lila.

You're five nil down, Dave.

Well, Lila got an infraction.

Hannah took her straight to the GP and they gave in Portugal.

Oh, yeah, big time.

How did you get to a GP in Portugal?

It was just one at the end of the road, actually.

Did you cost you?

Yeah, 65 quid.

But you know, if you have a European health insurance card, well, we've got health insurance, yeah.

But you get your actual one that you get it free.

Yeah, God, I don't know where that is.

Oh, dang.

No one knows where that card is.

I know where mine is.

Do you know where your European health?

I thought that was a thing of the path.

It was a thing of the 90s.

No, Dave.

Feels 90s.

Who else feels 90s?

Oasis.

All right, Ellie.

Oh, you've got your Re111.

Yeah, well, you get a little card.

I think you had to reapply for them after Brexit, maybe.

Aside from that, just, do you know what I loved?

My mum, because my mum and dad very, very generously rented a villa for the whole family to go and do six days.

So we kind of did six days at one part of Portugal and six days with another.

Just seeing how much it meant to my mum

is worth its weight in gold.

Val vibes in the area.

Val vibes were all over the place.

Yeah, for mum's 70th, we rented a big house and all the grandchildren were there, and she was exactly the same.

It was brilliant.

So you're kind of enjoying it for yourself, and it was lovely, and I had a great time.

Many laughs, many laughs had right across the trip.

But at the same time, at this point in my life, the enjoyment kind of comes more from the fact that the kids are legging it around, having making memories that they're.

Like Oasis, I was enjoying it because Maris was enjoying it so much.

I never thought I'd say this.

Can you stop talking about Oasis for two seconds, please?

And I got mum and dad who clearly were just soaking it all up as something that's amazing for them at 70 years old watching the kind of different generations having the fun yeah yeah and it was just very wholesome very very lovely and as we'll find out later played little made-up game with the team as well and kids don't change they

always no no no but like my son loves climbing trees yeah that will change yeah no but unless he becomes an absolute uber doeb what i'm saying is Five-year-old kids are no different now to how they were 50 years ago.

Right.

Yes.

He's not doing a virtual reality tree climb climb

yet.

But I'm sure you can.

I'm not climbing an AI tree.

Has he got into Minecraft yet?

No, but I do know a couple of 12-year-olds who have been to that.

Okay.

The one thing my mum was most sad about was that we were leaving, and I can talk about this because this will have happened before when this goes out.

This is fine.

The thing she, and she's mentioned it three times since, was she grew a real attachment to the inflatable crocodile.

But Brian, I thought you were going to say something really meaningful.

This is meaningful.

In a way, it kind of represents the holiday, doesn't it?

Yes.

It represents the bonds that were formed, the memories that were made, John, the rose that was drunk, you know, it all.

So you nicked the inflatable crocodile and put it in your carry-on.

Because we bought the inflatable crocodile for the trip.

No, it's in your memories box.

No, it's not.

It's in our suitcase, Alice, because...

My mum thought we're going to leave it because no one had dreaming their suitcases.

And she was like, oh, but I really feel like, you know, we need the crocodile.

We can't afford to take the croc back.

Anyway, then, like, last night on the WhatsApp, she put little sad faces with a picture of the crocodile from the pool and stuff.

Like she's really, really fond of this crocodile that you can just jump on and just have a mess around with in the pool.

We've bought it back and this weekend we're going to go around to her house and surprise her with the inflatable crocodile.

Which sounds silly, but in the grander scheme of things.

What are you going to do with that cul-de-sac and cheadle hume day?

I don't know.

But I swear to God, it'll make her yeah, the fact that she's reacquainted with the crocodile.

We'll go again.

And we'd go again.

We'd go again.

And then you take the crocodile.

We go to Villamora.

Until the kids are...

Where's the crocodile going to live?

That's their problem

at that stage.

You'll love it.

Your dad is going to build one of those wooden swimming pools, isn't he?

Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, it's, it's, nothing's off the cards with Andy.

Well, that's very nice.

How about you, John?

Good.

Same going on.

Same big family holiday.

All of us there.

Me,

Chief, Greg,

Sandra's kids.

And I'm watching them playing in the

big

grass.

And I'm going, do you know what, this is just what it's all about, isn't it?

And one of them, they've all got grass cuts on their thumbs like kids do.

It's just something you go through.

And they come back, Uncle John, Uncle John, will you, you know, give us some antiseptic cream?

And I said, yeah.

And then

we go down to the

restaurant

and set fire to it.

And Pedro,

the waiter who we'd gotten so well with.

He's heartbroken.

Keith and Pedro, well, no, quite the opposite, because Keith and Pedro had been chatting.

Keith's my brother's brother-in-law.

And

Pedro is actually finding that he'd invested quite a lot of money in the pasta restaurant and it wasn't turning a profit.

So Keith did him a favour and set fire to it.

So he gets the insurance.

He's out of the country now.

They're not going to come looking for it.

And he can move on to the pastures.

New

different projects.

Why did you have to riff such a sad story?

No, it's just the same for me.

It's the same.

Yeah, go for my walk, sit on my log, meditate, come home, crosswords, bed, wash, rinse, repeat.

We go to the log.

We go again.

We do not let this slip.

Though I am worried, my concern is that the log I sit on is starting to decay.

And I just hope the landowners replace it when it does eventually go.

Got to be more logs in the woods, hasn't there, John?

Yeah, but I can't like lift an entire tree myself.

No, not yet.

No, not yet.

So there we go.

We know what Ellis's anecdote is.

It's Oasis Bliss.

Yeah.

So is it time to come reconnect?

Yeah.

I'm just looking at the suitcases.

Oh, right.

Well, when are we going to play our game?

Well, in my head, I'm thinking it's kind of gamey.

And then we've got a made-up game in a bit.

Do we want to play Sell Me Your Suitcase now?

I don't know.

Yeah, let's play Sell Me Your Suitcase then.

Okay, talk us through the the foundations of this john well dave had a massive go at me for which i've launched an internal investigation at audio always as to how dave treats his you're not allowed to call it talent anymore geniuses and um

soothsayers soothsayers truthsayers dave yeah um Dave told me off for having my House of Games suitcase in shot because I'm going to Margate vibes in the area.

No carbs before Margs.

And we realise that both Ellis and I have got suitcases with us because Ellis is going to Hebden Bridge vibes in the area.

Because Izzy for the BBC is filming a sitcom about basketball for the BB for CBBC and it films in Hebden Bridge and Halifax.

Which is Borlake, isn't it?

So we're going up.

And they film in London where everyone lives.

To visit.

Don't say that.

Across the UK strategy, remember?

We're the voice of the UK.

We're not the voice of the voice of the UK.

You don't even live in London yourself.

No, I've access to it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we've all got London.

Hebden Bridge is miles away.

Yeah, very nice spot though.

Lovely,

lovely

world.

So I,

what did I do?

I riffed,

I created, I contented, and said, why don't we play a game called Sell Me a Suitcase, where me and Ellis pick three items out of each of our suitcases to sell to Dave.

Dave picks the best one.

Ellis was worried he's got cognitive declines.

He couldn't remember what was in his suitcase.

Oh, he packed it this morning.

Just like packing it this morning.

He'll have forgotten he went to Oasis next week, Dave.

so let's play

jingle please dave oh sell me a suitcase

sell me your suitcase i'll put you over 20 kilos

roll don't fold sell me your suitcase oh

so first up Describe the suitcases, Dave.

Well, we've got a, well, it's Ellis's does the job.

It's, it's navy blue.

It's got a red stripe across the front.

There's little personality to it, but it says, I mean, business, especially if you're in business class, I imagine.

Yeah, but that's not the bag of someone in business class.

No, it's seen better days.

That's the bag of someone who's come home to his wife, panicked because his boss has said he's got to go abroad.

He's never done it before, and he's not sure he's even got a suitcase.

So she's got one out of the loft and she's cleaned it with a damp cloth.

Yeah.

Actually, it's the podcast of someone who loves.

It's the suitcase.

It's cognitive decline.

I said podcast when I meant suitcase.

It's the suitcase of someone who loves to travel because it was a birthday present and it's from John Lewis.

Oh, lovely.

So there you are.

What's my suitcase, I date?

It's a bright blue, would you say electric blue suitcase?

Electric colour of my shoes.

It's got Richard Osmond's silhouette on the front with his big glasses because, of course, it's a House of Games winning

prize.

Yes, it's the best prize I won on House of Games.

It's the best prize that you've won.

Well, it looks like it's decent qual.

It's great, qual.

Yeah.

I was impressed by the qual, actually, Dave.

Yeah.

Just do make sure.

It's like broadcasting with Adrian Childs.

Do make sure you stay near the microphone, John.

Dave, I'm creating space.

I know you are, John.

But just, we do need to hear what's going on.

So, Curt, do you want to talk about neatness first, Dave?

Okay, well,

already I can just see like a blue plastic bag peeking out of Ellis's, which is like the kind of bag you'd get from an off-license.

Yes.

If you were to buy four restaurants, I've got my worst trainers in there because we're going to do some walking and it's going to rain i love that i love that so this is genuine no one's rifled through their suitcases to prep this uh they've both opened their suitcases and we need at a quick glance because a quick game is a good game uh what you think are the three most impressive most entertaining most anecdote-worthy items tidiest suitcases it's neat it is the suitcase of a serial killer

and i mean that's someone who packs not with love i mean it with fear guys as soon as I unclip these you'll see the chaos that lies beneath oh it's actually still quite neat that's ridiculous how is that ridiculous ridiculously neat it's not that it's not that neat there's a bit of a crease in that top when you go to prison for a hundred years that will be for neatness

right so this is an ad hoc game that we weren't expecting to play so let's uh let's flap i'm gonna i when i unclip this flap there are gonna be quite a few pants on display okay that's fine okay that's all right we're all adults They're all clean.

Clan fronts.

Boxers.

There we go.

So, John, just before we pick the items, do you want to...

In fact, no, let's just get into picking.

Otherwise, we're just talking through the items that you're then going to pick.

What's your first item that you're trying to sell to me?

It is anti-chafe body glide.

Stop chafing caused by rubbing for daily use.

You can use it on the neck, shoulders, chest area, nipples, skin folds and creases, underside of arms, buttocks, groin, between thighs and feet.

So everywhere.

Dave, this is the leading anti-chafe body glide cream.

Is it?

Yeah, I haven't used it yet.

Great.

Dare I ask?

No, I don't dare actually, because it's just a body.

What's it for?

Well, I'm using it for runner's nipple.

Perfect.

Because I'm starting to get to the kind of distances where runner's nipple could be an issue.

That's fantastic news.

Oh, and it's a lovely sound.

Let's hear that again.

Oh, It's just as good the second time.

So it's like a sort of deodorant stick that you used to get in the 90s.

Oh, yes.

Smell anything?

No, it's odorless.

So it's like, yeah, like a barn, like a deodorant balm that you'd used to get that you'd roll up a bit like a prit stick.

Yeah, it's sort of like a stick of like...

He's rubbing it on his forearm.

And that is so smooth.

Is it?

I could do that all day and not get any chafing, Dave.

And I will do.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

So item number one is

chafe, is chafing

solution.

You haven't asked me why I've got it.

Why have you got it?

Oh, you did?

Because it was nipples.

Yeah, but why have I got it in my suitcase?

Because I imagine you're going for a run.

Yes, I'm going to go for a run in Margate.

Oh, lovely stuff.

Lovely.

Wander by the sea.

Oh, I love that.

Sea.

Sea.

Yeah, sell it.

Do you love your kids?

Yeah, because your kids in your world.

Yeah.

Spent a lot of time over the last two weeks.

I am enjoying being here.

Do you love your nephews as well?

Yeah, nephews you world yes yeah yeah so you love your kids aren't you well what about a copy of out of the blue by robert tregoning and steph murphy oh and it's a book for the under sevens i would say which is a vibrant uplifting story about embracing our differences not my words the words of harry woodgate

and it's a celebration of being yourself and living life joyfully in all the colours of the rainbow i tell you what

It's got to be a good day when you're asked to give a quote for a book and a 40-page picture book turns up, and you're like, bang, I can do that in 10 minutes.

I can read it twice in 10 minutes.

Yes.

Talk us through why it's in the bag.

What's the plan?

It's just my favorite book.

It's your favorite book.

No, it's my son's, one of my son's favourite books.

I could give you a quote for that book without reading it.

Enchanting stories of childhood.

You even did the sort of Radio 4 book programme

sort of sideways glance then.

Enchanting.

A soothing balm for those anxious minds oh i love that yeah that's great it's a lovely book so who wins that round

because ellis is ellis' book is in a way a soothing balm it is and what i like about ellis's is he's thought ahead and thought you know what so his young lad feels soothed and comforted when he's away from home i'm going to take his favourite book i'm not sure i think that far ahead

so i think that's a very thoughtful well i pack for him and is he pucks a betty that's really nice

so he likes that book.

So as much as I love nipples, John.

Yeah, and you do.

And I do.

I've seen your hard drive.

Both of us.

Yeah, a terabyte, Dave.

150,000 images.

You can't have seen them all.

It's more to do with the collecting of the images than actually watching it.

It's just a nipple.

It's fine.

I'm going to go, especially after that slanderous comment, with Out of the Blue for Ellis's young son.

And I'm looking forward to picturing you reading that to him tonight.

I love the fact Ellis is hiding how messy his bag is by keeping the lid on.

Yes.

Add to number two.

Because you're a murderer.

I just realize I've forgotten something which is annoying.

What is this?

Eye covers.

Eye covers.

Yes, to sleep.

Lou will have some.

Yeah, it'd be fine.

Well, Ellis goes first.

They're harder to find than you think, actually, aren't they?

You have to take a lot of long-haul flights.

Yeah.

But like, you think you'd be able to buy them from train stations?

Yeah, you've got to be

in a Heathrow terminal boots.

Yeah, big time.

Ellis, item number two.

Do you love your kids, Dave?

Oh, he's got it.

He knows what he's doing.

Kids of your world, aren't they?

Yeah, they are.

And your nephews as well?

Yes.

You love kids in in general don't they big time mate you scared of the dark div i'm not but my children are they aren't they a little bit sometimes yeah oh

what's that oh it's a little torch

or are you scared of the dark can i have a look at that that's a great idea

we've broken it there you go

i love the colours it's like a it's like a bay watch torch it's red and yellow

Well, it's fine.

I know I needed to change a battery.

I'll buy batteries at King's Cross.

Okay, it's a torch.

That's why max.

But I'm going to get to King's Cross before them and I'll buy the batteries there.

That's a lie.

That relies on you being there early.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The train's not till 25 plus 4.

The show finishes up plus 2.

I've got two hours at King's Cross.

Yeah, but you get sidetracked.

Yes.

You'll think about Oasis Reels for an hour.

No, no, no.

I can get the batteries.

Don't you worry.

Also, Hebden Bridge has got shops.

It is a slight anticlimax that we couldn't put the torch on there.

I can't lie.

Pures.

And also, that attitude doesn't help either, Alice.

It doesn't help, does it, Dave?

John, what's your item, number two?

I don't mind.

Two Johnnies and a nicotine patch.

Watch out, Margate.

Watch out, Margate.

He's got two cravings and he's got them both covered.

So.

Perfect night because obviously it's rude to vape whilst making love.

Yeah, but it's very sexy afterwards.

But you pop the patch on.

Yeah.

Can you?

Before.

Can you not last 10 minutes without some nicotine in your system?

10 minutes?

An hour more like that.

An hour without vaping.

Hard enough in my therapy sessions.

I mean, even if the torch did have batteries, Alice.

Perhaps a metaphor.

Dave, with the greatest respect, they are two things literally you do not need.

What?

What?

Condoms and a nickel.

He's had the slip and he doesn't smoke.

Oh, right.

Oh, I see.

Dave doesn't need.

Well, I don't need them, but it's encouraging to know John's.

Well, A, practicing safe sex.

Cuff him.

And B, actually just trying to get off the vapes every now and then with a couple of...

couple of responsible patches.

It's not a bad thing.

And also, it did make me laugh.

So I think

it's a bit of humour, but it's visual humour.

I do like that.

So it's one all.

Just don't ask how long they've been in there.

Okay.

I think they've actually updated the design of the packet since they came out.

That's a shame.

Yeah.

Well, that's not a shame.

Are they still in date, though?

Because you do need to be careful there.

You don't want to be using a perished condom.

Oh, we're...

You know how whenever you look at the date on a on a like condom, it's like 10 years away.

Yeah.

I actually do need to use these pretty soon.

Yeah.

Like a passport expiration.

Yeah.

Ideally, this calendar year.

Okay.

There's a bit of pressure onto it.

Well.

Just put them both on at the same time.

Yeah.

On your own.

Double security.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's a Yale and a chub.

Yeah.

Right.

Item three, John.

Sell me a suitcase.

Sell me a suitcase.

So is it one all?

Yeah.

And what do we win if we get it?

The other person's suitcase.

Oh.

No.

Just

a lovely bit of respect.

Huh.

Because

it's a throwaway game, this.

Might be a bit of interest to you, Dave.

This next item.

Okay.

My memoir.

Oh.

Yeah.

The money wave.

Oh, sorry.

NDA.

NDA exclusive.

Publishing best kept secret in publishing, Dave.

Available for pre-order very soon, I've heard from maybe or not.

Okay, just be careful with the undue prominency.

Yes, well, let's not give it any more prominence, Dave Berywan.

We're getting your old peepers around this, eh?

You're Samuel Peepers.

Samuel Peepers was a writer today.

Yes, he was.

Is there a title on it?

I covered the Great Fire of London at some length.

Do you?

Great stuff.

Is there a title on it?

Yes.

Can I read the title?

You can, but you can't say it.

I won't.

A child's book.

Oh, wow.

Nice.

Good stuff.

And then who's written it?

100 Things I Hate About Ellis by Sean Robbins.

Who's written it's a good book on it?

Me.

I lost confidence.

Oh, John, I love that.

I had to write it on it.

He's written it's a good book in Bic, in Bic.

Big Byro.

That's so sweet.

Thank you.

Of course, it'll be a good book.

I've forgotten I've written that.

Back yourself, man.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

John's memoir will, I'm sure, will be very good.

Do you want to read an even better memoir?

Yeah.

I do love my kids and I love my nephews.

Maybe the biography of Mo Salah.

Chasing Salah by Simon Hughes.

Salah, the biography.

All right, then.

Maybe you're not interested in Mo Salah because you like Man City.

Why don't you read

the third song by Saul Bellow?

Something the New York Times described as the perfect novel.

He won a Nobel Prize for Literature.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, I'm a dead fast reader.

I've done Salah and a Dun Saul Bellow.

Why don't you read Jake Thackeray, the Unsung Writer, edited by Paul Thompson?

That is Izzy's birthday present.

Oh, have you ruined it?

But she doesn't listen, so it's fine.

She hates the podcast, of course.

It's her only birthday present.

No.

Good.

What else have you got?

Some Johnny's veterans.

Some earrings and some batteries.

That's nice.

And a card.

Saul Bello Hertzog.

Good.

Spectacular.

Shuli Bellow's greatest novel, none other than Malcolm Bradbury, winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, chasing Salah.

Salah's given so little away about himself.

His consistency meant he was visible all of the time, yet his discretion meant

that, although he was always there in plain sight, we barely really knew him at all until now.

Question for Ellis.

That's Salah biography.

Yeah.

How do you tell the difference between one of the great sports books and like one of those kind of

the unauthorized AI written Salah?

Haven't started here.

And Simon Hughes is an excellent writer, actually athletic.

Right, so he's got

a backstory.

I hold him in incredibly high stead, Simon Hughes.

I think he's excellent.

So I'm looking forward to reading this.

So that is three items, isn't it?

Yeah, I felt like you were going downswing there a little bit.

Because I'll lose.

I'll always lose because we've got to keep him happy.

Because he's on the edge.

Because he writes positive affirmations to himself about his own stuff.

And his Johnnies are on borrowed time.

His Johnnies are on borrowed time.

And I'm going to end up using them to store water on a long run, which would work.

And he's addicted to nicotine.

So I don't mind losing if it keeps his Becker up.

Yeah, exactly.

Because he's not going to keep his Becker covered.

Both, do you know what?

As an on-the-spot game, really enjoyed the book.

And I bet you your memoirs are better than Saul Bellow's Herzog.

I doubt Saul Bellow wrote it's a good book on the manuscripts.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I think the top novelists are often racked with self-doubt.

Yeah.

I reckon halfway through the manuscript.

Jack Herrow, I thought that on the road was rubbish.

When the first reviews came in and they were positive, you couldn't believe it.

Yeah.

And when your good reviews come in, believe it.

Believe the hype.

Believe the hype.

It's what I said about Oasis.

You actually have to believe the hype because it's true.

You're the next Oasis, John.

Well, my opening line's quite good.

I bet DCI Commander Johnny J.R.

Robbins MP got out of the Cosworth.

Just another cold case.

God, this was boring.

And then he saw a name he recognised.

Mo Sala.

Mo Sala.

I don't know if we need a winner.

Do we need a winner?

Do you know what, Dave?

Maybe travel is the winner.

Yeah.

Travel is the winner.

Travel one.

Maybe safe sex is the winner, Dave.

Maybe

non-chafing is the winner.

And varied literature.

Maybe reading and literacy is the winner.

I love reading.

I think it's the best.

You do.

You do.

So.

Are you going to take the book i gave you the escape yes i am i mean that's a book wreck dave can we do a book wreck yeah the escape by pippa york and david walsh which i read for how do you cope uh because i interviewed pippa york and it was gripping and i don't understand cycling oh wow okay yeah absolutely do you feel you understand cycling a bit more now out of curiosity i understand why

people get obsessed with the Tour de France.

But also,

there's something quite funny about the fact: whatever type of cycling you watch on telly, it's always different and always makes no sense,

yeah.

So, like, you, you know, anytime you're watching cycling on the Olympics, you're like, what is it now?

Yeah, now they're trying not to move, now they're touching hands.

This is nuts, yeah, and then like the tour de france, I mean, the tour de france,

I got a glimpse into its sort of inconsistencies.

It's a very analogue sport in a mad way.

Someone described it to me as a love letter

to the beauty and brutality of the French countryside.

Because as you're watching it, France looks incredible.

It's an amazing advert for France.

But also, it's a very bad advert for a lot of things.

But that health and safety.

Yeah, health and safety.

You know, people getting in the way.

Like, everyone cheated.

Everyone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's sort of like known.

It's very strange.

And like that that thing they have in Formula One with insane dominance of very corporate entities and yet, and then underdogs being loved more than the winners.

And

it's crazy.

But anyway, great book, The Escape, Pippi Your Penny.

People do get in the way.

Because

the footage in the 80s.

Of course, it's 3,500 kilometres.

You can't fence it all off, and it changes.

The supporters used to spit wine on the people they didn't want to win.

Can you imagine that, Dave?

They'd fill their mouths with with wine and wait for them to come past and spit wine on him.

What?

I would be so annoyed.

Imagine if that happened at the World Snooker Final.

Yeah.

Or the Premier League.

Someone scream through one goal and the away end all starts spitting wine at the striker.

80-year-old nun standing by Sean Murphy spitting wine on him.

She'd be thrown out.

Yeah.

And rightly so.

Okay, let's have a little bit of a break.

Yeah.

Boom, bam, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Oh, we don't need the jingle now.

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Okay, folks, it's time to connect.

What does connection mean?

Is it love?

Is it the exchange of body fluids?

Or is it a vibe?

Is it a state of mind?

Is it a state of age and school?

We'll find out because Ellis has just 60 seconds to find a connection with one of his fellow country people.

Can he do it?

It's time for the Cymru connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never

met

at all.

We've got some Cymru correspondence.

First up is from Lucy.

Lucy says, as a long-time listener, second time emailer, and occasional live vibe taster, I wanted to get in touch about the latest item in the Ellison John merch catalogue.

Like most of UK PLC, I have made some purchases from the Home of Quality You Can Trust branded items.

Who among us doesn't have a copy of the Holy Bible on the bookcase in the spare room, or a holy broadly fine t-shirt which has now been relegated to nightwear?

Imagine my surprise when finding a new item in the range on the way back to Blighty from a very enjoyable trip to the Côte d'Azur.

After much swimming in the clear blue waters and eye-yachting in Saint-Trape,

superb, we made our way back to Nice Airport.

Oh, Nice is lovely.

As is customary before the flight, I made sure to use the facilities, and it was in this unexpected location that I saw it.

I reached out a hand to take a couple of sheets of tuply paper, and my eyes fell upon a phrase phrase I knew only too well.

Ellis Connect.

Writ large on the toilet roll holder of dreams.

I found myself repeating it out loud in a manner not dissimilar to Alec Guinness in Star Wars, whispering the mantra, use the force Luke.

I wondered if it was missing some punctuation.

Ellis, connect, exclamation mark, being shouted by John, or Ellis Connect, from Dave.

Maybe an S on the end as a statement of fact.

Ellis Connects.

It's just what he he does.

Anyway, I admired the boldness of attaching Brand Ellis and John to the International Sanitary Wear Market, but maybe it needs a little more work before it makes it on the Cara.

Love you by Lucy.

We should start.

It's an Ellis Connect toilet roll hold today.

She's going on a toilet roll.

Were you aware of Brand Ellis in the sanitary wear

Emporium?

I see that brand name on lorries.

Yeah, I do.

I've often wondered what it is,

because obviously the English spelling of of Ellis is double L.

And so I don't know where that company comes from.

I don't think it's a Welsh company.

So I've often been intrigued by it and I didn't know what they sold.

Well, if ever there was a brand partnership.

Oh, yeah.

It's Ellis Connect.

And you're connecting with people while both wiping your bumps.

Yes.

I don't know how we bring the two together.

In a really offensive advert that gets banned, Dave.

This is for outside the BBC.

They'll show it in continental Europe.

Oh my god, I've just had a text message from Itsy.

I've just dropped a Tupperware of boiling curry onto the kitchen floor.

You would not believe how high the splashes go.

There's some on the Velux window on the ceiling.

Oh my god, how do these things happen?

What's your kitchen floor like?

Yeah, that's fine.

What colour is it?

Black.

Okay, thank God.

Because that will stain.

And you can't get it out.

and at least it wasn't pyrax so it's not smashed.

Yeah, no one's injured.

No one's hurt unless the boiling water curry hit anyone.

Oh God.

Has it got turmeric in it?

I know I don't think it does actually.

I think you could be in the clear.

It's the turmeric that stains.

It's like lily pollen, yeah.

2 p.m.

curry.

She made John Robbins ink.

Yeah, she made.

She made some two nights ago and then we're about to get the train so she's eating before she meets me at King's Cross.

So, she wants, she does, she hates wasted food, so that's what's happened.

So, she wants to finish it all off.

She does have significantly more in common with John than me.

For instance, I'm oasis and now banned in the house

because I've listened to them too much.

She said, I would prefer it if you listened to Can.

Wow.

And I listened to Can, and she said, I'd take that back.

So now they're both banned again.

Anyway, where were we?

Well, we were about to read out another email.

I don't think we've got time for that one.

Is it going to boost my confidence?

Well, I think we've got a caller on the line.

We do have a caller.

Last week, we saw a return to form for Ellis James as he connected with Caller Gale from Bridge End in just 13 seconds.

That was speedy.

I listened to that.

It was a glorious display of age and school.

Do you know Rianne?

Di Davis' daughter.

Bang, connection made.

Easy as that.

Chalk it up.

Let's see if he can continue this good run and make a successful connection with today's call up.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello there.

There are 60 seconds on the clock.

Let's come reconnect.

Your time starts now.

Agent School.

47 Milford Haven Comprehensive.

Milford Haven Comprehensive.

Okay.

If you went to UNIMER, did you go?

I went to Cardiff.

Cardiff, what do you study?

English lit.

What do you do now?

I work for the government.

In Cardiff, Welsh Parliament, or the British Government?

Department for Business and Trade.

Okay, 47 Malford Have.

Did you ever shop in Ockie White's Northwest?

Yes, a long time ago.

Okay, so do you know Jill and Jeremy White and Guy White used to work in the Travel Agent Department?

I do not.

Okay, are people at the Torch Theatre?

You must have gone to the Torch Theatre.

Yes.

Jill White used to sing at the Torch Theatre.

Okay, that's fine.

Do you know Scott Mill, Minty from Nayland?

Any other questions?

His name rings a bell.

I don't know him personally.

Nathan Schurn, Shark, who we gave a lift to the tip on Boxing Day.

No.

Okay.

No.

Your time is up.

Oh, man.

My initial reaction is that was quite poor.

There was a lot of repeated stuff from last week and the week before.

Same area, Milford Haven.

Right up the road.

I think he covered a lot of ground.

I don't think we did.

Yeah, I thought

you're my age.

So did you go to school in Milford Haven?

I did, yep.

Yes.

I think maybe my current job isn't the thing that would have tipped you off.

I'm sure there is a connection.

I'm sure there is a connection.

Do you have a connection in mind, or are you just...

Yes.

Are you already just wasting my time?

No.

Okay,

what was the previous job that you think might have helped me?

About two career changes ago, I I worked for Waterstones in Cardiff.

Or Spike?

I do know Spike?

Yes!

Yeah, Spike.

But everyone knows Spike.

Everyone does know Spike.

Literally everyone knows Spike.

So why don't you just do Spike for everyone?

Because it would bring the feature into disrepute.

But Spike knows everyone.

Who's Spike?

Bizarrely, I know Spike from...

I worked for the Royal Bosch College of Music and Drama as well, and he was doing a master's in, I think, arts management.

Do you know Steve Black, Sweet Baboo?

He went to Royal College.

Another name?

I don't think I ever met him.

Spike, I once did a Christmas corporate stand-up gig,

and I lasted about 60 seconds of my 20-minute set.

It was so bad.

And I just came off stage.

Spike, I loved it.

He's such a nice blog.

But he put his arm around me and said, I can't pay you all the money for that.

60 seconds is extraordinary what happened it was they'd been like a they'd basically been a disco for about an hour and a half and everyone's dancing and then they turned the disco off and everyone started booing and then i walked on

and everyone walked to the back and people everyone just started talking And I thought, I'm just wasting everyone's time.

Yeah.

And I only lived around the corner.

So I thought, I'll just go home.

What percentage of your fee did you get paid?

He paid me 50%.

That's not bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pro rata.

He's a top man, Spike.

I've always liked him.

I don't know how you've got to that, though, Alice.

I think to me,

Spike for me is like Aberdair Valleys.

But also, I think you've got to drop this people who worked in the shop thing, because you don't know, you can't just say, did you go into this shop?

Do you know the people who work there?

Because you don't really know that.

Okie White's was an institution.

Yeah, but i wouldn't say don't you dare dispute what i just said but if i said to dave oh do you have you ever been in the soho weather spoons we'd be like yeah and he'd be like oh do you know the barman

i've been there is it an institution yeah yeah probably it's the it's the place on um

no it's the it's the place on

uh tinder where you get the most hits in the country is it apparently it's the best strategic place to be

if you're on tinder Is it really?

Yeah.

Or it might be the O'Neills.

No, it's the O'Neills in Soho.

That big one that Ford used to like with the life bands.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's huge.

Is that the one with all the underground little tunnels and stuff?

No, that's waxies.

Waxies.

Yeah.

So you worked for Waterstones.

Did you mean Cardiff?

I did.

Bizarrely, Spike wasn't the connection I was thinking of.

No.

Although, I should have thought about it.

I used to work with a guy called Gareth Cardi Richardson.

Oh, Burger?

Of course.

We've never had Burger's never been mentioned before.

Of course, you would have known Berger.

I was at school with Berger.

What's the connection to Berger?

Berger works in Waterstones as well, but he now works for the Welsh government.

He was the guitarist in the United States.

In a band called Zabrinski, yeah.

Why did he call Burger?

I love them.

Because I know the answer to this question.

Many, many years ago, when he was at Cubs,

someone said, Your side profile looks like a cartoon burger.

So from what I remember, I might be wrong in this, but as I recall it,

his nose was the top bun and his chin was the bottom bun and his lips were the letters of the burger.

Wow.

So he's...

My mother still calls him Burger.

And he's, you know, my age 44.

Do you think nicknames hang around longer in Welsh cults, in Welsh living than if you're nicknamed?

If you have a nickname at the age of 10 in Wales,

it will be your nickname when you're 80.

It's actually on your passports, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's not very many names.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for calling in.

It was an intriguing Cymru connection, if an unsuccessful one.

I think, yeah, I think I would have.

Pie pointing.

Pie point,

I'm not sure.

Okay, okay, you're okay.

You're all right with that, aren't you?

Because

it felt

he's all right.

He has value, the caller has value, the feature has value, Wales has value.

Oh, just a bit.

We've probably only

he's thinking, he's not got his head in his hands.

He's just thinking.

He's had a lot to think about.

Burger, Spike.

Milfordhaven.

Why do they call him Spike?

That's not his name.

No way.

But I can't remember why he's called Spike.

Okay.

I reckon he probably had Spiky hair in 1988.

Yeah, yeah.

And that was it.

Dave, what's it time for now?

I think we should.

Are we going to mug it?

Yeah.

Yeah, we should mug it.

Are we going to end with a made-up game?

I think so.

Okay.

I think so, because a lot of effort and work's been put in by children

into the made-up game.

So we've played Density Propensity before.

It got its first outing, its debut outing in Portugal, different parts of Portugal, crucially.

Yeah, because Dave likes to experience a broad range of different cultures.

What is two holidays to Portugal every year?

Well, John, actually, some of us can't afford to be spending money on a proper holiday.

I've got to buy it, pay for a lot of people.

Portugal's just as far as France.

But we got the opportunity to get a lot of people.

But a lot of people don't realise.

It's Faro and El Beaufuer are actually a very different kind of

different estre.

And we got Lisbon, it's completely different.

We're very fortunate to have a villa that Hannah's mum and dad own, of course.

So we don't.

Anyway, let's not get into the.

We'd love to go elsewhere, John.

We really would.

And maybe one day we'll be able to do it.

We can't move a villa around the world.

We've got a crippling mortgage.

This is where we go for the time being.

Density propensity was a game we played in 2022.

I want to keep thinking about Milford Haven.

Tough.

We're doing this.

We're doing this.

And it went down well.

So we've done it again on the next trip out to Portugal, which is.

We'll get to the rules shortly of how it's played, but we do have a new jingle.

Oh, nice.

A few weeks ago, John punted out for a Gorkies made-up games jingle.

No.

Ooh.

And listener Gary answered the call.

Hello, my welcome, little tummy rubs.

You asked for a made-up games jungle in the style of Gorkies, and I've not slept since for thinking about it.

Maybe that's why this is a bit odd, but it's meant with love, and I hope you like it.

I didn't attempt to sing in Welsh, even though I have done before.

On the.

What does that say, Alice?

I can't read it.

Sorry.

Oh, Canny Gumrie contest.

Canny Gummy is Song for Wales.

It's like a sort of Welsh-only Eurovision.

Yes, we talked about that, didn't we?

So on the Canny, say it again for me.

Canny Gumbray, Song for Wales.

The Canny Gumray Song for Wales that you mentioned.

Isn't that the same as Tales for Wales?

Kind of funny Gumbery, that is, but of course.

Um,

Gary says, but that's another story.

So, Gary has done a Gorkies-inspired jingle.

I cannot wait.

Yeah, Gary.

I mean, bold to try because you've got a big fan of Gorky's here.

So, uh, but thank you so much for effort.

Here we go.

Here's Gary's Gorkies jingle.

Well, now it's time for made-up games.

What shall we play today?

John Robbins and Ellis James

Let's find a game to play

producer Dave will introduce the show

But John won't listen and Alice won't know

who we're in at made-up games

Let's play

Alice thoughts.

It's a very specific period of Gorkies.

What's the person's name?

Is it Gary?

Yeah.

Because what Gary's tried to do was a big part of this sound as Eros Child as the Singer has been blessed with this really beautiful, very angelic, high voice.

But I can't sing along to a lot of Gorky songs and they're too high for me.

So he's had he's gone for the Eros range.

And I think he's he's taken the sort of Patio song era.

But you need Megan's violin and the organ as well.

So, I, all the constituent parts are there.

I'm very touched by that, actually.

Don't you like it?

Good song, good song, yeah.

Liked it a lot, really enjoyed it.

There's an innocence to Gorky's, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And now a nice bit of music just to talk over as well.

Some nice melody on the on the Gorky's Facebook page that Steve Tamborello runs that Robin's a big fan of, someone panted out for a Gorky's version of the made-up game theme

with a link to this podcast.

So, hopefully, we'll get many more.

I'd love that.

Okay, should we play the game?

Yep.

Okay, so picture the scene.

Out in Portugal, I had a pool, I had children, so there was only one game to play.

The origin of It Floats Ladies, of course, it is density propensity.

So, let's cross to

a relaxed, sun-kissed producer Dave from a few days ago.

Dave, take it away.

Thank you, Ellis John, and Producer Dave.

You find us in the hills of Villamora for round two of Density Propensity: the return leg.

It's Villamora away

after a successful exhibition match, maybe three or four years ago, with Lila Masterman, who's still here.

Lila, say hello for round two.

Hello.

We've got a few more participants this time around.

Alba, say hello.

Come in.

Hello.

Jean, say hello.

Become

and Harley.

So lovely to see more youngsters

getting involved in the sport of density propensity as it takes the UK and indeed the world by storm.

It's the paddle for 2025.

And a really smart move by the organisers of the Density Propensity Committee for putting this showcase on before midday, making sure that the adult spectators are still well-behaved, disciplined, and haven't partaken in any drinking just yet.

Very much

a comparison to a Manchester Derby kicking off at 12.30.

So we have five items to drop into the small pool.

I'd say the pool is about 0.5 meters deep.

potentially which is deep enough there is one item that we will need to drop into the main pool as it's just too big its density propensity it's exciting i'd say the temperature is it's a balmy 27 will that affect the players Will that affect the items?

We just don't know at this stage.

We're also, I'd say, maybe 50 meters up from sea level.

So will the altitude make a difference when it comes to the performance of the game?

There we go.

The scene has been set.

Any questions at this stage?

Sounds idyllic.

It was lovely.

Is Harley a little bit older than the others?

Harley is one of my nephews who is now, yeah, halfway through high school.

You can tell he's a little bit cooler.

Absolutely.

But even Lilas sounds a little bit, well, a little bit different to how she was three years ago, ago, obviously, because she's now seven and she was four then.

So, yeah, it's just, it's a game for the ages and it'll change and it'll progress.

It will.

Lovely thoughts.

It will evolve.

Like Oasis.

Just like Oasis.

Okay, he's ready for...

Yeah, so a correct point for each answer you get right, obviously, as to whether an item that we'll throw into the pool sinks or blooming while floats.

Do I need a pen?

Well, it'd be nice for you to just scribble something down just so that I know you're not being influenced by the other person.

I trust you, Dan.

Yeah, I think for a game as innocent and as wholesome as this, neither of you are going to cheat.

You'd have to be a cruel, cruel person to cheat at its floats ladies.

Exactly that.

Exactly that.

So here we go with round one.

Round one is...

A candle.

Round one is a mosquito repellent candle.

I'd say it's got a diameter of five to six centimeters.

It is housed, and this is crucial.

It is housed in a small terracotta pot.

So I suppose we've got to be working out here whether the wax in the candle is going to outmaneuver the terracotta housing.

Ellis and John, place your bets.

I have got, and I don't know whether you want this, I've got corresponding pictures if you'd want to see any of these items or is

the terracotta pot is absolutely crucial.

Yeah, I don't know whether.

Okay, all right, fine.

Let me get the items up.

Here we go.

So the terracotta.

I'm going to show you once first for three seconds each, okay?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay,

okay, so both Ellis and John have been shown the item, which is a yellow wax candle.

I mean, just a nice candle in general, but is there to repel mosquitoes?

And it's in a little mini terracotta pot.

Have you got your answers?

Yeah.

Yep.

Ellis sinks.

Ellis says sinks.

John.

Sinks.

John says sinks.

Let's find out.

Welcome back to Villamora.

Okay, here comes the mosquito repellent miniature candle housed in terracotta.

Let's drop.

Oh, it's a very satisfying sound.

It sinks.

Item number one, sinks.

Item number one, sinks.

That was a meaty.

It's good stuff, isn't it?

A meaty plot, yeah.

Was that easy, do you think?

No, it was an interesting conundrum.

It's the conundrums.

Hopefully, a few more of those.

Round two, Dave.

Thanks, Ellis.

Thanks, John.

Great guesses.

Good game.

We're here and we're back for round two of Density Prepensity.

Beck, what is item two to be dropped into the pool?

What colour is it?

Blue.

What's it made out of?

It's made out of sun cream and plastic.

Sun cream and plastic.

You guessed it, guys.

It's sun lotion.

Crucially, just to help with your guessing here, I would say the lotion is about three quarters full, but what we have done behind the scenes to create tension and jeopardy is

force out any air that is in the sun cream.

So it's a bit flatter than it usually would be.

What size are we on here?

It's 200 milliliters.

200 milliliters of sun cream with all air forced out the hole.

It's then been sealed at the top.

So will a sun lotion bottle with with no air in and three quarters worth of sun lotion sink or float?

Sun lotion.

With a bit of tampering going on.

That's slightly...

That's hard to imagine again.

Would you want to see it?

Well, yeah, because that's not an item, is it?

It's a fiddled with item.

But it's a fiddled with item to help with...

Well, it's no, it's still an item.

Well, just imagine if you've just squeezed your sun cream and then put the lid back on.

It just so happens that none of the aircraft.

Do you want to look at it?

No, it's okay.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

I just want to use it to see what brand you use in, out of curiosity.

Let's have a look.

Oh.

Well, let me see.

No, you're a multi-millionaire, Dave.

Let's see if he's seen it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Good stuff.

Okay.

Okay.

So, item two is a bottle of sun lotion.

Fiddled with, tampered with, for excitement.

Three quarters full, Christily.

Three quarters full.

Dave.

We haven't guessed yet.

Oh, sorry.

Wait there, Dave.

Sorry.

We'll come to Portugal shortly.

But staying in the studio, John.

Floats.

Michael put it in.

Ellis.

If it's three quarters full.

Sorry for keeping you dropping.

Doubting if it was empty.

Yeah.

But I think the cream will get it done.

Dave.

Okay, Beck Masterman was the describer of the item, and we come back to Lila Masterman to drop in the Sun lotion Let's Drop.

Lila, talk to me.

So it floats

and is just wiggling around in the water.

It floats and it's just wriggling around in the water.

It did float.

Even with zero air, the plastic, I think, is

the main player there.

The Sun Lotion floats.

Okay.

1-0.

Is Lila trying to distance herself from a catchphrase?

Let's see.

Okay.

okay.

Let's see.

It's 2-1.

If she's a mastermind, she'll milk that catchphrase for all it's worth.

Get it printed on a flag.

It floats ladies' vibes in the area.

There's Etsy t-shirts with it, floats, ladies, on it.

Yeah.

Well.

Madness.

Yes, so it floats.

John, were you confident in that?

Yes, I was pretty confident.

Why, because you knew that the plastic would...

The plastic would float, but also I'm not convinced that Sun Lotion hasn't got sort of oily elements to it.

Interesting.

And also, I'm not convinced that

it would be entirely free from air.

No, I wasn't convinced by that.

Don't know, don't question.

I would

literally, you squeeze it until you see the little white stuff squirching out, and then you put the lid on it really quickly.

Let's move on.

Oh, we've...

We've solved a really innocent game.

You have, Dave.

Okay,

round three.

Dave, what's going on?

Two rounds in, three to go.

In the heat of Villamora, in the Algarve of Portugal.

Item number three will be described by Alba Masterman.

Alba, what have we got here?

Water juice.

No, actually, not water juice, lemon juice.

Lemon juice, in what?

What kind of bottle is it in?

Glass.

It's lemon juice in a glass bottle.

Not quite accurate.

It is lemoncello in a glass bottle.

How big is the bottle?

Oh, it's vegan limoncello john that's nice isn't it great i'll talk in 500 milliliters of 30 limoncello um

it's fairly empty as we're at day 10 of the portugal holiday uh i would say there is about

100 milliliters of limoncello in a 500 milliliter bottle so again

Some crucial details here in terms of how much liquid is in there in comparison to how much air as I think that will be where

the difference is here.

Place your bets.

Round three.

A one-fifth full bottle of a glass limoncello bottle.

Vegan for John.

Vegan for John.

I'm ready.

John.

Floats.

Floats.

I don't think these are as difficult as round one, a light foot series one.

It's really hard.

We deliberated a lot because everything's just quite obvious.

Cactus.

And actually, well, I'll explain in a sec.

I'll explain in a sec.

But

if we keep getting it right, you will win, because I got the last one wrong, correct?

So there will be a winner.

Let's find out.

Okay, we're ready to drop.

We have the bottle of Limoncello.

100 milliliters full in a 500 millilitre bottle.

Will it sink or float?

Be very careful with this, Lila.

We don't want glass at the bottom of the pool from a limoncello bottle, of all things.

Let's drop.

Okay, it's dropped.

It's dropped, but it's...

What's happened?

What's happened, Lila?

It floats, ladies.

It floats, ladies.

There we go.

What the crowd came for.

A keypie up is on the side of the pitch from Lila Masterman.

It dropped as the weight of the bottle.

This is exciting.

The bottle dropped almost towards the bottle of the half-meter deep pool, but then the air in the bottle clearly rose the bottle and of course it floats.

So we have another floater there, so to speak.

You'd be be great on a Key Stage 2 science program, Dave.

Like CBBC bite-size or whatever it is.

Do you know what you'd be fantastic at?

Yeah.

If there was like a televised version of the Kids Olympics.

Oh, yeah.

Well, like they used to have, what was that show?

It was called We Are the Champions.

Oh, yes.

We are the Champions.

If they brought back We Are the Champions, you could come and see it.

And it'd be live from a swimming pool in Basingstoke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So any more liquid in that bottle would have made it sink.

So it's not easy.

How did you know that?

Because I was testing it a little bit.

Oh, so you added more?

I added a tiny bit more.

What?

More limoncello?

I used a little bit of chlorine water.

And then we just

binned it.

Okay.

We were measuring it so I wanted to get it as full as possible.

Yeah.

To make it as challenging as possible.

It would have been more challenging to solve if you'd have made it sink.

Made it sink.

Because I think I would have even said 100 mil of air.

Would you?

Not even measure air in milliliters, but unless it's a liquid,

which would probably happen at very low temperatures.

Anyway, carry on.

Ellis John, Ellis 2, John 3, as we move to round four.

Thanks, Ellis.

Thanks, John.

Thanks, Dave.

Back to past Dave from three days ago.

We are ready with round four.

Who should we get to describe it?

Gene.

Gene, what's the fourth item?

Olive.

It's an olive.

A couple more details for you here.

It's green,

it's plump, it's juicy, it has a pip in.

So who knows whether that will play a part in whether the olive, very topical for a holiday here in Portugal, will sink or swim.

Sink or float.

Thank you, Lila.

That is great.

Will sink or float.

Lila producing the segment here, which is lovely to see.

A future radio producer in the making.

Back to you in the studio.

An olive.

I would never think to throw an olive into a swimming pool.

You wait for round five.

John?

Floats.

Floats.

Ellis?

Floats.

Floats.

Portugal, Dave.

Back to you.

Okay, the guesses are in for round four.

Let's see whether a stoned olive

sinks or floats.

Here we go.

Lovely sound.

What's happened here, Lila?

It sinks.

Oh, it's just sunk like a stone due to the stone in the olive.

So round four, we have a sinker.

Oh my

olive, it's my favourite olive.

It was Alba's favourite olive.

There's plenty more olives where they came from, Alba.

Do not worry.

See, my thinking was that wood floats, oil floats.

There's a lot of oil and wood floating around in an olive with its stone in.

But I think it's the size that makes it sink.

We don't have a look at the size.

Well, no, it's just the fact that I know how big an olive it's.

I've seen olives loads.

It was plump.

I've seen big ones and small ones.

Yeah, it sank.

Surprised us, delighted us, because it made for a great round.

So it's still 3-2 to John, but with a loss to both.

Which I'm satisfied by after recent

scorn pouring from.

Olin is a a good one.

Oh, it's a good one, yeah.

Because also, like a lemon and a lime, different things happen.

Interesting fact.

Interesting fact.

One floats and one sinks.

Which one floats?

Lemon.

Really?

Round five.

Dave.

Welcome back to round five.

In Villamora, we have the final item, which is a plastic chair with metal legs.

It's a plastic outdoor dining chair, I'd say.

If you want to know about the patterns,

great hexagons on a white background.

It is a plastic, it's a

galvanized plastic, if that's such a phrase.

And it's on four metal legs.

Can't really offer much more information than that.

Will, the chair, as we throw into the deep end of the pool, we've now moved away from the shallower 0.5 meter depths of the shallow pool.

We're now in, get this.

2.5 meters worth of fresh chlorine-filled water.

That's actually deep.

As we enter round five, Will, the plastic chair with metal legs sink or swim for round five?

Back to you in the studio.

I can't believe you've thrown a plastic chair into some of the

share.

Is it a communal pool?

Safer.

Hey.

Okay, yeah, can I see it, please?

Do you want to see it?

Yes.

I do want to see it.

Okay, interesting.

Could have a look.

We might need a tie break at this stage, Michael.

Which is exciting.

Okay.

Interesting.

So they're both seeing the item.

Oh, get these items on the camera, no doubt.

Because I took a picture of me posing in front of all of the items in one go, of course.

A little bit burnt.

But I'll go alright.

Four.

I'll get the likes.

Good song.

Ranking up topless Dave in front of an olive.

Right.

Fifth item.

John's one point up at this stage.

Ellis, we'll come to you first.

One I've ummed a nard over the most.

Plus six.

Good float.

The metal legs.

They're doing nothing.

Are confusing me.

I'm going to say it's floating.

John.

I've also said floating.

It also says floats.

Okay, for the final and fifth round.

The mood and the tension is palpable here in Villamora.

The gazers on looking, just unsure at this stage whether such a large item will sink or swim.

There's hushed tones,

almost like a Chloe Kelly penalty before it's blasted into the back of the net.

Will the plastic chair

sink or float for round five the final round of density propensity lila

let's drop

whoa

what's going on lila that is slowly sinking that was slowly sinking crucially it has sunk we now have a plastic chair at the bottom of a 2.5 meter swimming pool looks like something out of an album cover from be here now by oasis can i sit on the chair lila wants to sit on the chair and she can because she's more than capable of doing so at this stage.

She's a strong seven-year-old swimmer I must say.

Oh no you can't because of the ear infection.

No Lila can't sit on the chair because it's at the bottom of the pool and Lila is recovering from an ear infection from too much diving into the pool earlier in the holiday.

Some might argue that

that was irresponsible parenting suggesting I should send her to the bottom of the pool with an ear infection.

But that's why Hannah Masterman is always on standby in these moments.

Harley, my nephew, will now go and rescue the chair.

Harley, get in there.

Rescue the chair, please.

All right.

As Harley goes down to rescue the fifth and final item of density propensity, round two, we bid you adieu from

the balmy midday sun of Villamora.

Everyone say bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

What's everyone's favourite streaming platform of choice?

BBC Sounds!

Of course, it's BBC Sounds.

Of course, it's Alice and John.

Back to you.

I really enjoyed that.

Oh, that was brilliant.

I really enjoyed doing that.

What a great production.

Oh, it was good stuff.

We did enjoy it.

We spent, I'd say, six of the seven days trying to figure out what to throw into the pool.

Because it's nice.

It's a nice game to play in itself.

It was, but it got quite stressful at the end.

We're like, oh, we really do need to play the game because

it's quite easy to know what does sink and float.

But I think there was a couple of.

Mum, can I throw a plastic chair into the pool?

Yeah, it was good fun.

So John wins 3-2.

3-2.

Good game.

So what does that mean it is in, um, have I won the set another game?

No.

Yeah.

Uh, John, you were two games to love up, leading 15.

Alice, it breaks my heart.

Uh, leading 15 loves, so you're now 30 love up in the third game.

Never mind.

I've seen Oasis, Steve.

I've seen Oasis.

It's good stuff.

So I won the first set, though, didn't I?

Yeah.

So I'm a set and a breakup.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He's a good guy.

And he's written a good book.

Thanks, man.

Great.

Well, thank you very much for listening.

There's a lot in that, isn't there, Dave?

That's a long old show.

Yeah, big.

They're getting their blimming money's worth, aren't they, Dave?

Yeah.

Okay, let's go and have coffee with an ex-Chief Commissioner.

Sell me your suitcase.

I'll put you over 20 kilos, sell me your suitcase.

You're getting that through customs, Alex.

Sell me your suitcase.

Roll, don't fold.

Sell me your suitcase.

Oh.

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