#461 - Elis, Man City’s Back Four and Will The Drummer From Coldplay

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Hello, welcome to this Friday's Ellis and John.

Alice and Ellis and John with a slight difference this week because I am in bliss.

I am in a bliss state.

Well, we're living.

We experienced bliss.

We're living in a one anecdote town.

And it's good because it's got...

It's to find the negative.

That's not a negative, that's a positive.

It sounds like a negative.

It's like they built a town.

I can feel my bliss diminish.

No, I'm being positively f.

It's a contradiction.

It's like it's like the old west.

Yeah, yeah.

So frontiersmen, that's you and I,

are looking for a place to settle.

Right.

And we happen about a place that has

very high levels of naturally occurring anecdote.

Yes.

So we build a saloon.

Yeah.

We build a bordello.

But it's lawless.

It's oh, it's lawless.

It's lawless in there.

We have a sort of, as we build, other people come.

Yeah.

They say, hey there, what you doing now with that bordello in that saloon?

Can I open up an ironmonger's?

Yeah.

And we say, well, there's an awful lot of anecdote here.

I'll be adding to the anecdote pile.

And then it's the great anecdote rush.

Yes, you know, 1912.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're the klondike klondike of anecdotes suddenly we've got a booming town yes and lovejoy moves in and starts swearing swearing a lot yeah yeah yeah and all the british viewers are like that

no no do you remember ian mcsheen is in um deadwood yeah one of the greatest tv series

and what's weird is i remembered him as lovejoy yeah you do a sort of you know an antiques merchant with a with an edge and a blue son leather jacket and a blue son leather jacket and a top topless cabriolet driving around very chic middle-aged women to look at Edwardian chests.

What's his friend called Tinkerbell or something?

Tinker.

And Tinker, that's it.

Anyway, so we're in the frontier.

Yeah.

We're starting to mine anecdotes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The worry is

what happens when the anecdote runs out and we enter the Great Crash.

Yes.

And following that, the Great Depression.

Yes.

And then World War II.

World War II, sorry.

Okay.

But anyway, Ellis, I'm in the saloon.

Dave is running his sort of hardware store.

You're stood on the little balcony outside the Bordello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have our attention.

Yeah, because I've got a gun.

We've all got guns.

We've all got guns.

And if no one listens to my anecdote, I'm going to shoot you both.

Yeah.

But I know that Dave wants to share in this anecdote because he's got a very similar anecdote and a gun.

So you're the poor person who's got to sit there and listen and put up with it.

I've laid my gun on the ground.

Thank you.

That's all I wanted.

As you lay your gun on the ground, could you move your house of games suitcase out of the shot as well?

Why?

Because it's going to be the wide shot, John.

What's wrong with that?

It looks a bit mad.

Looks a bit cool.

Well, just what you say.

It's BBC show, Dave.

It is a BCBC show.

You hate the BBC.

I don't, but it's just showing that you're going somewhere afterwards.

That's all right.

I'm going somewhere afterwards.

I'm going to Hebden Bridge.

My suitcase is over there.

Where have you left your suitcase out?

It's off-screen after you.

lives, Dave.

I know we do because you're vapes into the screen after time.

Oh, fuck, that's true.

It's cool.

It's a talking point.

Is it?

I've got Richard Osmond's face on it.

I can't see it from you.

No, it is cool.

It is cool.

It is cool.

I also won a dressing gown and a tie.

They were both very low quality.

I won a toolbox, which was very

House and Games.

Yeah, yeah.

You won an episode of House and Games.

I was winning.

With your brain disease.

I was winning.

I was winning until the final answer smash of the Friday.

Oh, yeah, you didn't win, Disney.

And then I lost the game.

That was the only person on our WhatsApp group of comedians who

did well but didn't win.

Who didn't win House of Games.

Crucially did well but didn't win.

You don't need to win it though, do you?

No, I don't care.

It's just John keeps bringing it up.

Well, he keeps bringing the suitcase in and shots.

I won a fondue set, which I gave away.

Yeah, of course you did.

And

the toolbox, which I kept, and something else which I gave away, I think.

Anyway, Ellis, this is the...

Sorry.

We've just found another anecdote stream.

Yes.

Maybe this town is going to exist a bit longer.

Tell us your anecdote.

I put my gun down.

Dave's got his gun.

I actually wasn't given a gun, which I think is a bit unfair.

So you're the primary gun holder of the stage.

I'm a gun.

I can't wait to find out.

Come on, come on.

Shoot!

So Oasis, and it was the best

thing I have ever seen in my life.

Better than McCartney.

Different to McCartney.

Say better.

Say better.

It's fine.

Well, it's much bigger.

Better.

So as a.

Well, it's different because I.

Stop saying it's different when you just said some of these the best thing.

Because

can I?

Gee, Wiz, I'm about to blow your head off with my anecdote chat.

And then I will keep firing until your body's in recognicable.

Then you'll straighten me up.

I will shoot you in the groin.

I will shoot you in the chest.

And it will be impossible to identify you if you don't let me speak.

I tell you, so helpful.

Tell your own idea then.

Stop asking me for comparisons.

I like people.

And I find

big mass communal events, joyful communal events, very moving.

So I turned up.

Especially when you're right at the back in a corporate box.

Full disclosure, I was in a box.

Okay, full disclosure.

That throng of the crowd from a distance without.

First, you know what?

Because I'm a cultural commentator.

With the people, in there, with the people.

I was on the tube.

Do you know what?

It's like...

I was on the tube.

I did the single on the way there and the way back, Champagne Supernova.

Do you know what happened to me on the tube?

An Australian bloke, the only one who hadn't been at the show, saw my Kagul.

And because he was Australian and didn't realise the cultural significance of Kaguls, and didn't realize that Liam Gallagher is the great coatwear of our generation, he looked at my Kagul and he said, have you been hiking, Mike?

And I said, no,

silly goose.

I've been to Oasis.

this is how we dress

so

how is enough you're observing the mass because I'm a cultural commentator and I write three articles a year for the Guardian about culture it's like when people have a go at Gordon Brown or whoever for being in first class and you're like give the guy a break yeah he's the prime minister was the prime minister yeah exactly so you're tapping away you've got to get 1200 words to Smash Hits magazine by 6 a.m.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Awful lot of Ellison John fans there.

Really?

So many people shouting Ellison John vibes in the area on the tube.

I like big communal, joyful events, right?

I find them very moving.

Through your binoculars.

Actually,

he had a good corporate hugs.

The position was.

Oh, no, Dave.

It damages my credibility.

All right, fearful disclosure.

I had the best seat in the house.

This guy did.

And it was me, Man City's back four, and Will the Drummer from Coldplay.

And that's incredible.

And that's not a line.

Incredible.

And that has damaged my credibility.

So thank you, Dave, for making me be honest on the radio.

Because I was going to pretend that I was down the front.

Well, that's even worse.

That's even worse if you're going to lie about the experience.

I'm not a liar anymore.

Good.

If you're going to observe community at an Oasis Gig,

you need free tapas,

complimentary process,

and access to a limited selection of cocktails.

Yes, I need her on toilet.

Oh, that's the best bit.

I would have spent the whole gig in there.

Just your toilet.

The Ellis James.

No, no, no, no, no.

There was a toilet for the bots.

Sorry, this is damaging my credibility again.

It's fine.

Ellis, it's fine.

There's enough people that have seen enough stuff on social media over the past two months that it's quite clear that there are some people in the cultural sphere, like yourself, that are getting corporate access to one of the biggest occasions of the game.

I never get a corporate box of football.

I'm real.

Yeah, I know you are.

In fact,

I know for a fact Ellis has turned down corporate boxes at games he's been to.

Yes, that is true.

That is true.

Because I'm real, my credibility is on the way up again.

He could have asked for general admission.

He could have actually just probably...

Don't you shove shove it up your tunnels.

Shove it up your tunnel of

anguish.

When I went to see Queen at the O2,

I was in the box because I don't like being in crowds.

I mean, I like community, the concept of it.

I just don't like the experience of it.

So I was happy to observe everyone having a lovely time with a nice view and access to profita roles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was sat between Simon Pegg and Matt Lucas.

Oh, were you?

Yes.

Wow.

And Sercia Ronan.

Okay.

Yeah.

There are gasps amongst the crew.

They, well, I, yeah, I had a lot of Man City players World Champion, my friends.

What were the names of the Man City players?

Um, uh, Ruben Diaz was there, Kanji was there.

I tell you one thing, right?

When

Dave, how do you feel about that?

Father Guardiol was there.

Who?

Guardiol.

He looks down to earth, that guy.

Yeah.

He looks like he's...

I'll tell you when he's got his head screwed on.

So Bittersweet Symphony,

which closes Richard Ashcroft's set, is a mass.

90,000 people, 90,000 persons sing-along.

And everyone is giving it something.

You're a slave to the money, then you die.

And everyone is

taking time for the sound to reach you.

Yeah, no, because I was in a better box, actually.

So I was right in the middle of it, sound-wise.

And I thought, that's that, yeah, that's quite spine-tingling, right?

Yeah, okay, that is a sing-along, that's a song that clearly resonates and means a lot to people.

Oasis have got 25 of them, yes, because they all are, yes, right.

So I thought, okay, I'm beginning to be moved by the experience.

What I didn't expect was when effing in the bushes starts, and that's spine-tingling, and you're like, we need to come on to our tauto effing in the bushes magnum in Portsmouth Guild Hall and Finging in the Bushes starts and everyone's like oh my god this is spine tingling effing in the bushes starts I've never heard my song before I don't think it's quite your vibe but I know the song it's um off their fourth album and it's um

it's an instrumental no uh

shoulder giants you you have heard it because I came onto it the Albert Hall in Manchester for my club night because you introduced me on and I think you said, What the F was that?

That's Fin in the Bushes

because it kind of followed on

a lot of your lovely music, and then I kind of blew them my problematic music.

Yeah, then I blew the doors down with the drums of yeah, yeah, it's a great tune, anyways.

But they've always come on, they've come on to that for years, right?

So, Fin in the Bushes starts, everyone goes mad.

They walk on hand in hand,

which I found extremely moving, which I think you two should do.

What I didn't expect was for when Lillian shouted, Oasis vibes in the area, Oasis vibes in the area, London vibes in the area, for me to instantly burst into tears, right?

I mean, like big sobs.

And I looked across, and Akanji and Diaz looked at me as if to say, this guy, it was a combination in Akanji's eyes of fear,

pity,

and disgust.

But obviously, like the sort of like, I don't know where they're from, but I'm guessing they're the sort of Latino Spanish Brazilian vibes.

They're used to

men being very emotional at their, for example, their daughter's wedding.

Yeah.

For example.

Yeah.

So he goes, Oasis vibes in the area and I burst into tears, right?

Because you cried during Paul McCarney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what's what's upset?

What's what's upsetting?

But what's upsetting, not upsetting, but what's moving about Oasis vibes in the area?

Because that would just make me laugh because I'd think of Dave with his flag.

because

they had such a bitter public follow for 16 years.

They didn't speak.

That was only resolved by 20 million pounds each.

Sure.

But that's not emotional.

No, no, no, no, no, but

not for them, but for everyone else.

Right.

Everyone else didn't think that this was ever going to happen.

They never thought the vibes would be in the area.

They never thought the vibes would be in the area.

They thought the vibes had been put away for

the cord.

Had been cordoned off.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, so people are just written it off.

People are like, it's never going to happen because they would often, they would completely

deny it was going to happen on, you know, things like Jonathan Ross and all that kind of stuff.

They'd say, no, no, no, wait.

No one would be like, Liam's doing his thing.

I'm doing my thing.

It cannot be resolved, right?

So a stadium gig, I've been to a few stadium gigs.

The people down the front go mad, and then the people at the back

are watching the people down the front go mad, and they're watching it on the screen.

I've never experienced anything like it.

I was watching the very back row of the top tier, and they like when he when he asked gets people to do the Poznan, during cigarettes and alcohol,

usually is that when you take a penalty with the wrong foot, no, that next

quite hard to get 90,000 people to do that, it's quite difficult to take a penalty.

That's when you put your arms around each other and then you turn around and you face away from the action, then you jump up and down.

That's a what?

So, Man City played FC Poznan in, I think, the Europa League years ago.

And this team, FC Poznan, when they score or when they start to chant a song, for some reason, I'm not actually sure of the origins for them doing it, they turn around and they all put their arms around it.

It looks massive.

That's why no one's looking at Oasis in any of the social media videos.

Probably.

Right.

But it only happens for like 10 seconds for Oasis.

But it always ends up being the best bouncy bit of the concert because everyone does the Poznan, which City have adopted.

And obviously Liam's a big City fan.

So he goes, everyone, do the Poznan now.

And everyone does.

Yeah.

Now, most people, people, the front would do it.

Yeah, back would watch the front doing it.

But literally, everyone does it, right?

Apart from me, because I said I'm a cultural comedator.

Tom said, for God's sake, do the Pozna, and like

89,999 other people.

I went, okay, I will do the Pozna.

As he ate his cheesecake.

The cheesecake was doing slideaway.

Did the city players do the Pozna?

No, they watched it.

Yeah, so it's 89,996 people doing the Pozna, but everyone else is doing it.

Also, what's interesting about that, and I guess it's because of the way that Oasis tickets sold, is usually like the first bank of tour dates are the mega fans.

Yeah, yeah.

And as the tour continues, people are more like they're seeing it because they want to say they've seen it, as opposed to this is the most important, you know,

moment of my 40s or whatever.

But what's what they are still massive amongst teenagers.

So my friend's 17-year-old son listens to Morning Glory obsessively, and all his mates do.

And it struck me that all the songs are about positivity

because they don't do anything after the first two album.

They do two songs after the first two albums.

So, I've seen other reunion shows where

they'll do, what are they?

They do, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, stand by me.

I think we might be losing some people from the anecdote town.

But what I'm doing, what they I've seen other reunion tours, and they'll do the new single.

And even if you love the new single, it's not been in your DNA for 30 years.

Well.

And they'll do album tracks from the new record.

And that's really interesting.

But you haven't, those songs haven't meant a lot to you for 30 years.

Weirdly, Queen are probably a useful comparison because they're exactly the same.

When they've done...

Yeah.

They did one song.

that I would describe as a deep cut because they gave Adam Lambert, they said, we can play one song that you choose.

And he chose the worst possible song they could have played.

Oh, really?

It's called Get Down, Make Love.

It's a very slow, sort of sexy/slash weird song from the late 70s

that never really kicks off.

Yeah.

And it doesn't make sense in the middle of a 25-song greatest hit set.

So there are three, yeah, so there's only three songs

pulse the first two albums, and only one of those is after 1997, little by little.

So what I found interesting was even songs I hadn't heard for ages, you know every syllable.

And everyone is the same.

And because they had such a big public falling out, you can't believe it's happened.

And you're aware that they might argue again and it might be the last one.

So then when they're enjoying themselves on stage, it just gives it this edge.

I'm aware that, you know, was it last year, the IRA's tour?

Yes.

you know, Taylor Swift, I'm sure a similar, I didn't go to that, I'm sure a similarly joyful experience, but she can't argue with herself.

No, I mean, she can argue with her record label.

And she's not.

She can argue with her,

yeah.

But she doesn't.

But you can't just say what Dave is.

But there will be another record.

She can argue with her record label.

There'll be another record label.

There'll be another promoter.

Unless she retires or something happens to her.

And she hasn't had 16 years off.

That's the thing.

I went to see Olivia Rodrigo at Hyde Park, and that's a big sing-long.

But those songs haven't been in the ether for three decades.

Very different vibes.

It's very different in the area.

It's very different vibes.

Because I went to the air as one as well.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

And And it was incredible.

But yes, very different.

But it's not nostalgic, is it?

No.

No.

No.

But what, but the thing with Oasis is there's an awful lot of young people there who love them as much as the old people.

So the songs about being young either resonate with you because you're young or because you're 45 and you wish you were still young.

So it just gives this like...

I was watching people from my big box.

He's leaning into it now, John.

This is good.

This is good.

There's not a corner of the stadium where people aren't absolutely enraptured by it for two hours.

It's absolutely extraordinary.

Boned said the night that you went was the best night of the tour so far.

Yeah.

He put on Instagram, best one yet.

There must be a documentary crew following that.

There is because they've asked for stories and I'm going to write about it.

I'm going to write into the documentary, mate.

Write into them.

They put on Instagram.

If you've got a story about it.

Welcome to the documentary.

First off, we got a letter from Dave.

He's 14, I assume he's 14 because the pictures he's done are, well, they're not bad.

He's done a big sky there with Oasis Fountainy area.

He says, Dear Nolan Liam, I loved coming to see your show.

It was great fun.

Love, Dave.

P.S.

Can you get me to meet the Man City back four?

Because my friend Ellis did when he was eating a cheesecake.

Write into a documentary.

We want your stories.

I'm assuming, Dave, that your stories, that you've got the lyrics of Slideaway embroidered into your wedding suit.

But that's the story, surely.

Yeah, maybe.

I was thinking...

Tony Island in a slideaway suit, Dave.

because i was like he'd make up for one of the intros

well i'm so glad you had a lovely time was it a nightmare getting out of there ah you got a helicoptered out of that i didn't get helicoptered out but

with paddington like the queen

it was

it should have been because it always is yeah because i would still nausea i saw it to blur there'd be the football matches there however because i was in a box i met

Noel Gallagher's manager

and her husband, they live in Cardiff, right?

Her husband used to work for the WIU.

You come reconnected with Noel Gallagher's manager.

You watch, right?

You wait.

So he used to work for the WIU.

So I talked to him about the institutional differences between the FAW and the WIU for two hours.

We were the last person, people, to leave the stadium since it was 80.

So it was fine.

Amazing.

And

he said, can you come reconnect with me?

And I said, where are you from?

He went, Southampton.

What's that?

Yeah, yeah.

I said,

what do you do for a living?

He said, I used to work for the WIU.

And I went, do you know Garth Davis, your old boss, the chief exec?

He went, yeah, of course.

I said, he was in the same class as my dad at school.

Do you know Ken Owens?

He was like, yeah, he was the captain.

I said, but he was in my sister's class at school.

And he said, hello to my mum in Tesco two weeks ago.

And it took

it took less than 10 seconds.

Okay, great.

This is good.

So I just, we, yeah, I talked about the WIU and marketing for two hours.

And then the man said, please, glad, you need to go.

We weren't even in the after-show.

We were just talking about the FEW.

You didn't get to the after-show party.

No, I was talking about the WIU.

Why didn't you get to the after-show party?

Because I didn't have an invite to that.

But he was a listener and he wanted to talk to me.

When I saw Queen, I didn't go to the after show party.

With the band there.

They were Geldoff.

Did she?

Yes, they were, yeah.

I bet Liam and Noel aren't going to the after-shows.

I mean, it wasn't a party party.

It was like a basement room where everyone goes and says hi and thanks.

Yes.

There's like three glasses.

It wasn't like you go to like a London nightclub.

Liam Liam didn't go to the one in Cardiff, according to the papers.

I think they're really looking after this.

Because of his voice, he's got to watch his voice.

But they just, it's just,

yeah, there's no news stuff.

It's just two hours of absolute.

His ability to write bangers for about three years was.

Doesn't Liam write any of them?

Later.

Later on, he did.

Okay.

And are they good?

Okay, it's

time to check.

No, no, no, no, don't leave on that silence because that's unfair.

Songbird is a banger.

I like Songbird.

Did he do Born on a Different Cloud?

I'm not sure.

The one that I think was a little bit, was his first foray into songwriting.

Little James.

Was Little James.

Oh, then.

It sounds like a song about his Willie.

What's Little James about?

About his son.

About his son.

It is nice.

He's standing on the Shoulder of Giants, which is obviously where Effing in the Bushes came from.

But then some of the later stuff was fantastic.

Yeah, yeah.

But because

how does that feel having a song little james about your son on the same album as effing in the bushes

that's real life job that's real life that's real life people effing bushes and people have sons called james yeah it's true it's true he plays with his toys they make so much noise absolutely which song's that from uh effing in the bushes um little james little james good stuff yeah i'm so pleased for you it's nice to have those moments i'm glad you went i saw the email come through and i thought i really hope ellis can make this work you're glad ellis watched oasis from a box with the Man City back four.

Well, I'm going to chat to you more off there about what the city players were like.

In a way, I'm as fascinated by that as I am by you.

It was an amazing day.

I went to Lord's.

No, I went to the Oval of the Cricket in the day with John.

Yeah, well, I left a bit early and I went straight up to Oasis.

What a life.

This guy leads.

I only ate free food on Saturday.

Okay, so he's giving up on the man of the people.

Yeah, that's not relatable, but that was just one Saturday.

Good, good stuff.

Well, someone's just come swinging into the anecdote town, and I've got to say it's the most handsome cowboy I've ever seen in my entire life.

Oh my God.

Women are swooning.

Look at those dimples.

People are passing out with desire.

Shut up.

Because coming down the line,

he's got the best hair in Colorado.

Yeah.

It's Luke McQueen.

Do you know?

I actually got my first compliment on my hair, actually.

Did you?

Yeah.

From whom?

About the show.

Like, someone, you know, people have been saying things about the show, but I got the first one that was just about my hair.

I know who that was from.

Do you?

That was from Ellen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know her?

I've recently met her.

Oh.

Tales of the friends.

But I know that she's she's your friend.

We spoke about you.

You know.

Yeah.

John talks about your hair a lot off-air, just when we're making, just when we're doing the show.

He thinks you're an extremely handsome man, and I often agree.

Well, I feel like.

Are you coming live from a cafeteria?

No, this is my bedroom, but it's, you know.

Yeah?

It's quite...

How is that your bedroom?

Someone just dropped a fork.

Was there music on?

That was a key.

Should I show...

I mean, I don't know.

It's, you know, choose your background, really.

I think we've got separate

fees.

Have we got a separate feed

from something else?

That's not coming from me.

I can hear.

Because I can hear music on cutlery and breaking glasses.

Yeah, I just thought that was something weird that you were doing with your podcast.

It was Bertie.

Oh, sorry.

God's sake.

That was Bertie not muting from a hotspot in co-working area.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Bertie was trying to prank me.

Look at the left

area.

I thought, Luke, you had made an extremely unprofessional decision.

I'm going to come live from the factory floor.

Okay, here we are.

Terra Firma.

Right.

Luke, you're in Edinburgh.

You're tearing it up.

We'll keep all the hair stuff again now.

No, no, we'll keep all the hair stuff in.

Oh, we're keeping it all in.

So you're doing a show, Comedian's Comedian.

Luke, take us inside a glimpse behind, a glimpse behind the magician's cloth's cloth.

double cloth

so what's that question

well you're doing a show which is like an inside take on an inside take and this is the inside take on that take yes so it's inside take cubed yes

well yeah i'm doing a show there's a podcast called comedian's comedian and i've never been on it So,

which I think is rude, actually.

So, rather than sort of waiting to be asked.

Because some people have been on it like three times.

Yeah, I know.

Well, also, I went through the list.

Basically, there's been sort of 500 episodes.

And it's like, yeah, it's a chat with comedians about their craft.

And Helen Zoltzmann, that's like the sister of a comedian.

She's been on it.

She's a podcasting trailblazer.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you know, they're not just, you know, it's meant to be.

it's not she's not a comedian though is it uh greg jenner historian he's been on it before me so what you're saying is they've run out of comedians.

Yeah.

They're going down to like comedian adjacent people.

Yeah.

And you're like, but you haven't finished with the comedians.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it's honestly,

I think it's really out of order.

So yeah, rather than sort of waiting, I've just used AI to create the podcast myself, despite the questions and the answers.

So the show is you interviewing yourself about your craft.

Yeah.

There's a bit.

Alan Partridge does that on Mid-Morning Matter.

where he puts a tape in and Tim Key interrupts him and loses the truck.

Luke, I've been on Comedian's Comedian.

Yeah.

But annoyingly, I went on it, I think in 2016, when I was probably not feeling particularly confident about my work.

Since then,

I've bounced back.

Before your Renaissance.

Before my Renaissance.

So I'd actually.

All your best shows have come since then.

I know.

I'd quite like to go back on it a bit like when alan goes back to his school to give the tour

because he he says you know i've got norfolk nights i've got conquest which is the most successful show on the uk digital channel for anyone who's in the norfolk area that sort of thing i want to go back on it but i want to go back on it twice technically three times because me and ellis went on it as a pair oh yeah are you annoyed that we've done it as a pair

No, I'm not annoyed you've done it as a pair.

I mean, you know, maybe, I don't know.

Maybe I can sort of do the interview for you.

I mean, I've literally, I've got all the tools now.

I can set that up for you.

We don't, the point is, we don't need Stuart anymore.

Right, crap.

So, how does the show work, Luke?

Are you sitting there reading questions to yourself and then answering?

How does it work?

There's a, there's a, there's a, uh, software where basically you can clone someone's voice.

And then just sort of, once you've cloned their voice, you just type in any question you want.

And then obviously.

Are there uh copyright infringements here, Luke?

Are we in?

Are we in tricky water?

No, are you sure?

So now I'm going for um

a glimpse behind the glimpse behind the glimpse behind the glimpse behind.

How does Stuart feel about the show?

Well, I tell you, I tell you something mad that is happening because, and genuinely, I don't know what I don't know how this is happening, but I've got like a um a sort of dummy to place you

in the show.

I don't know if you can see this.

I've got a scratch there, and I've got another one there.

Oh, yeah, on your forehead, and I've got bruises up my arm.

Yeah,

I genuinely don't know where any of this stuff that any of this stuff's coming from.

I'm not having big nights, really.

And I do,

yeah,

honestly, and he's giving it low-level eczema.

Yeah,

honestly, I don't.

Every night I get a new mark.

Oh, my goodness.

It's honestly, something's going on.

Well, Luke, what I, so when this show tours after Edinburgh, so you can see Luke's show, 940 at the Jack Dome in the Pleasants Dome until the 24th of August.

It can't tour.

I've got this, this mannequin is huge.

It can't tour.

But how about you actually set up a podcast called Comedians Comedian?

and you can have me and Ellis on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And interview us as Stuart Goldsmith through the software.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you thought about launching a podcast?

I hadn't until you said that, but it's such a nice idea.

I might have to.

Are there fun?

No, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll do the Ellis and John podcast instead.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'll just take Dave and then I'll replace you.

Are there fans of Stu's podcast coming to the show?

Yeah, yeah, there are actually.

No, he's had some friends in, and you know, I think it's,

I don't know, you know, I think it's okay, but

he did have someone in last night that was very difficult, actually, on purpose.

We had a bit of a showdown.

I wish.

A sparse show.

I don't know.

Yeah.

He's sending his Patreons in and that sort of thing.

Will I be able to see it in Edinburgh?

You know, London?

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

I think so.

Good stuff.

That's great.

Well, Luke, thank you so much for joining us from Edinburgh.

It's a pleasure to see you, as always.

I'm off to see the deer after this show.

Are you?

We're going cat sitting for the weekend in Margate.

I miss the caties.

Do you miss the catties?

Always miss the catties.

Luke, have you got any takes on Colin from the holiday?

I feel like it'd be remiss of us to not

discuss.

It's not your alter ego, is it, John?

I think, or is it?

I think it's my ego.

yes i genuinely and i because ellis mentioned this to me before

it was more the girls i i don't think i actually called john colin once i didn't really take on that nickname i um i just used strict father

So Luke was on holiday with me, Lucy Pierman and Lou Sanders in Costa Rica.

And I was called Colin because of my efficiency drive

and my timekeeping.

But I've got to say, if you want to go on holiday with someone who is not just handsome, but incredibly laid back,

and not in a problematic way, in like a just very easygoing way,

it's Luke McQueen.

You're staring down the barrel of one of the world's great surfer dudes.

Yeah.

Not an annoying surfer dude.

Not an annoying surfer dude.

Which is a very, which is, it's a fine line.

And ironically, he didn't go surfing.

Yeah, he just looks like he does.

Yeah.

No, I'm very relaxed until someone sort of ignores me for 500 episodes of a podcast.

We had a lovely time in Costa Rica.

The only thing Colin would change about you, Luke, is applying sun cream before you're exposed to the sun.

Because there were a few times where you got very red because you were applying sun cream to sweat

and going in the sea.

Yeah.

And you did get very burnt, didn't you?

I did get burnt.

Yeah, I think the problem was

I would suntan and then dip quite quickly.

But did you tell the boys that, you know, I was getting bit to pieces?

I mean, everyone was getting bit to pieces, and John didn't get touched by the mosquitoes.

Yes,

absolutely.

He made a deal with the mosquitoes before we left.

Do you know what I think it might be?

It's either because I'm not a big sweater, I don't sweat profusely.

So it's either that or some research suggests it could be Marmite.

Yeah.

You have a lot of Marmite in your diet and I have a lot of Vegemite in my diet.

That's wow.

Yeah, I never get bitten because my mother will get absolutely brutalized by mosquitoes.

She'll get bitten so many times, but it doesn't happen to me.

They just don't like my blood.

Anyway, there you go.

Thanks, Luke.

So Luke's show, 940 at the Jack Dome, is called Comedians Comedian.

Check it out.

Thanks, guys.

Lovely to see you all.

Lovely to see you all.

Cheers, mate.

Ta-da.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

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It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

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Right then, everyone, we turn our attention to your correspondence.

You can email us, ellisonjohn at bbc.co.uk.

First up, this is from Adam in Tynemouth, or is it Tynmouth?

I think it's Tynemouth, because Tynmouth's in Devon or Cornwall.

I don't know, actually, I must admit.

Adam says, my beautiful Bicus

or Bicas, I've got something to add in light of Ellis' crisis of confidence that may be of help to him and of interest to John.

I teach the Buddhism unit of A-level religious studies.

Yes, please.

And all this talk of Sherlock Holmes' method of forgetting extraneous information reminded me of the Buddhist parable of the poisoned arrow.

This is right at my strasa.

In summary, a man is shot with a poisoned arrow and people rush to help him.

However, he refuses their help until they go and find out who did this, why they did this, where are they from, etc.

Of course, in the time he is waiting for the answers to these questions, he dies.

The lesson is we only need to focus on questions that help us end suffering and reach enlightenment.

All existential questions in life are kind of pointless as they don't help us in our quest.

So, applying this teaching to Ellis's Pythagoras brain fart, does knowing Pythagoras help Ellis in his suffering?

No, it doesn't matter, Ellis.

It's created suffering.

You have value.

Well, this is where I think me and Adam diverge.

Focus on the questions that do help you to overcome your suffering, like how do I entertain my kids in the fifth week of summer holidays, and which new signing will make the defense for the swans this season?

I, because of my terrible performance, I got sent a link to a book which I've since bought.

I used to know that, Stuff You Forgot from School by Caroline Taggart.

So that's going to be my hidden weapon.

And thanks to all the people who recommended, I start taking creatine because of my cognitive impairment.

So thanks, because

I do think that I'm suffering from it.

I've got some creatine.

I can bring it for you.

What is it?

Did it have any side effects?

No.

Or it doesn't even give you like a bad stomach or anything.

No.

Okay, well, yeah, good.

Some of you put like a teaspoon in your protein shake.

I don't take protein shakes, but I'm gonna start yeah.

You don't take protein shakes with your lifting schedule.

Yeah.

Come on mate.

I'm natural, John.

Well protein's natural.

Yeah but I I just want it from almonds.

I just eat 150 almonds a day like a normal person.

Adam's right actually but I guess the confusion is that knowing Pythagoras's theorem would have alleviated your suffering.

However, once the arrow has pierced you,

the poison of self-criticism is of no use to you.

Yes.

Unless, I suppose, it then inspires you to learn the theorem.

So the next arrow deflects off your shield of knowing the theorem.

Yeah, exactly.

But I take your and the Buddha's point, Adam.

Yes.

Dan from Norwich says, a quick note to point out that

Ellis guessed a credit card was 0.2 centimeters wider than a pint glass is tall after he received the height of a pint glass.

Why did you have to read that?

Further evidence, despite the tips from the sports psychologist, that he's an arm around the shoulder confidence player, and when he's losing, he loses his head.

Still a mercurial talent.

Why did you have to read that?

Because it made me laugh

that you thought

a credit card is as wide as a pint plus.

Like a big novelty check.

Oh, very good.

I've got a couple of novelty debit cards that are too wide for my wallet.

You'll have, just whilst we're on those, I feel feel you'll have better luck in Tuesday's made-up game.

Well, fingers crossed, Steve.

Because confidence at an all-time low.

I don't want to say too much, but somebody's just been to Portugal, and somebody might have bought about a return of density propensity.

Oh!

So I've said him

to my children around the pool on how much things are going to be.

Why was I good at that?

I actually think you lost.

Yeah, exactly.

It sounds like something you'd be good at.

But I think either way, it's whether something sinks or floats in in a swimming pool, which isn't going to make you sound too thick either way.

I don't think.

Okay, thanks, Matt.

Thanks, man.

A density propensity in the next episode.

Thanks.

I like this from Roland.

I was having a chat with my clinically glum truck driver yesterday.

You know the type.

Four sugars in his tea and a worldview carved from granite.

When he dropped two observed bombshells of wisdom I thought you might enjoy.

First, I love this one.

Money doesn't change people.

It exposes them.

Hmm, I like that a lot.

How do you like those words of wisdom?

I feel like I just heard a Leonard Cohen lyric read out by a bloke who eats Ginsters for all three meals.

Let's think about it.

Let's let it settle in.

Money doesn't change people.

Well, I was thinking about it.

I was thinking about.

So have you always wanted to watch Oasis from a corporate box?

No.

And I'd seen Oasis several times prior to that in the 1990s and 2000s.

I'd never done it from a corporate box.

I'd always been in there.

Do you know what?

It was far less aggro this time around.

Oh, in the corporate box.

No, no, no.

You mean the waiter didn't lamp?

No, no, no.

In general, the vibe is different.

It is different.

There wasn't any of that stuff in the 90s, and it sort of changed in the middle.

People are in their 40s, and they've spent 250k.

But there's a lot of young people, and people spend a lot of money at football matches, and they still act badly.

I don't think they spent that much.

Yeah,

I don't think that is the reason.

I think there is a bit that I think the...

sorry, we're back to Oasis again.

I'm aware, John.

We'll be quick.

I think the size of the occasion and the money that's been spent and the luck of getting the ticket in the first place, I think there is something even the Euros final at Wembley.

People have spent a fortune on those tickets, but the size of the occasion made people behave.

Yeah, that is true.

That is true.

And that is what happened.

I think it's a

people going to watch England who

are going there for that.

Yeah, I'd say the Euros final was

very extreme example.

I don't think there are anything.

And a lot of the lockdown, I don't think it helps because it was just a lot of screenshots have been lifted.

But I don't think Oasis fans who have been waiting for an event for 25 years are going, right, we can end up

really getting in trouble and hurting someone.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Ellis, admit you're wrong, please, and then we'll carry on.

No.

Well, then we're not going to.

That's the end of the show.

That's the end of the show.

That's the end of the relationship.

That is a shame.

That is a shame.

No, we so.

Money exposes people.

Yes, because I think money gives you the opportunity to act out your fantasies and desires.

And to do good.

And to do good.

So it shows you whether your fantasies and desires,

because you have the opportunity to display them,

whether they are sort of altruistic, good, kind, or whether they're selfish, mean, and nasty.

Michael Sheen is self-funding National Theatre Wales.

I mean, a lot of actors don't self-fund entire theatres.

So that's exposed his,

you know,

that privilege has exposed his desire to do good, I suppose.

So yeah, I like that one.

I like that.

Second, you can't have your money and spend it.

Now, at first I scoffed, thinking it was just a misfiring cliché.

But actually, he's absolutely right.

You can't.

And that's the thing about truck drivers.

They may not look at it but they're actually very wise sometimes.

Hang on, let's let that one set up.

You can't have your money and spend it.

That's not true.

Because money is not one big block.

It's in individual units.

So you can

have some of your money and spend some of it.

Some of it and spend some of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is what everyone does.

Within reason, yeah.

Yeah.

To whatever extent they're able to.

Yeah.

Anyway, I was listening to today's show and caught your chat about using time wisely.

Ellis runs around like a headless chick, for God's sake.

That's lost its phone and its keys and any grasp of linear time.

Meanwhile, John is the model of precision, efficient, ruthless, a productivity ninja.

Who's you written this?

Except you're writing under a pseudonym.

You claim me to be a man called Roland.

Anyway, except for throwing stars, he throws himself into bed for six hours, does crosswords, and feels gently melancholic.

That's what I thought of my own piece of Elliott John's specific wisdom.

You can't have your time and waste it.

Does that work?

I feel like it works.

Kind of

a sad Zen Quan for the digital age.

Keep up the good work, Laz.

I'm sure your little podcast will catch on one day.

Roland, like the rat.

Zen Cohen.

You can't have your time and waste it.

I think I prefer that to the money one.

I think it makes a little bit more sense.

Well, I think if you are...

Because are they saying, however you spend your time,

it's not wasted time because you're fortunate to have it.

Well, either all time is wasted time, or it's impossible to waste time.

I don't know.

I went to the funeral of a lovely man called Brian King on Wednesday, and he did not waste a second.

Talk about a life well lived.

Well, that you say that,

but he will have wasted a second at some point.

But what does waste mean?

Yeah.

I think that's the thing.

But me and Izzy, since then, when we've not wanted to do something, we said, what would Brian do?

And we always do it.

And he's

nice.

Like, we went out for dinner with our friends the other night and we both needed to pack because we're going to Hebden Bridge and we were both tired.

And I said, what would Brian do?

And Izzy said, organise a cricket tour of Kent.

Well, that's what he used used to do.

He did it 40 times.

And then she said, well, Brian definitely would have gone.

I was like, yeah, go on the list.

And it was brilliant.

I'm glad I went.

And that was the right decision.

Yes, that's very nice.

But I think, like,

if you, if you, for example, someone once said to me, the only time I've ever wasted is time I spent worrying.

Yeah.

That has stayed with me.

Yes.

That's a good one.

He said, I've never regretted watching the, spending all weekend watching the test match.

And I'm like, yeah.

Whereas some people might say, you just sat on your ass for two days.

I've watched God knows how many hours of football, and I don't regard a second of that as wasted.

But scrolling on my phone, that is wasted time.

I don't know.

What if there's a clip of,

you know, Tony Yaboa scoring a big goal?

I do like that.

One against Wimbledon.

So that's not wasted.

One against Wimbledon.

Also, all of the Oasis clips are dead, dead good, and I watch them all and I like them all.

I'm creating an archive of things I like.

They're the best day.

Well, thank you so much, Roland, for sending in your truck driver's wisdom.

And I think also, there's no reason why a truck driver shouldn't be wise.

They're spending a lot of time in contemplation.

Absolutely.

The meditation of the motorway.

I've got a good friend who's just gone into truck driving at the age of, I think, 52 after a career in radio.

There's a lovely comedian, Kevin McCarthy.

And before he was a comic, he was a truck driver.

Yeah.

And

he's a very wise bloke.

Oh, yeah.

I've had a lot of criticism in the emails this week.

We had one about flies from Rory in Edinburgh.

As I've listened to you both over the episodes, I've come to understand John as a broadly compassionate person that is kind and gentle.

And this, I'm afraid, I see you as less tolerant of the things that make you uncomfortable and a potentially incurable fly swatter for life, but you still have value and I love you.

Thanks, Rory.

I don't agree with Rory's take.

No, I don't think you at all.

You're far more tolerant than I am.

Yeah, house is full of flies.

More the merrier.

More the merrier.

It doesn't bother me.

But no, but actually in that email, they did, Rory did, because we were arguing.

Well, no, we weren't arguing.

I was saying, I'd love to be able to communicate with flies, tell them the way out.

But what's Rory's saying is they're not actually trying to get out.

No, no, no.

There is no in or out to a fly.

No, no, no, no.

So they just happen to be butting up against the window because it's in their way, not because they're trying to get to the other side.

They have general admission.

Yes.

They're not in a royal box.

Yeah.

All right, are there any more they're not with Ruben Diaz?

Is he nice?

Yeah, yeah, they're all nice.

That's good, they're very well-dressed footballers.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and they all eat, they all are, they all eat.

Are they?

I thought they'd all be bringing like food and tupperware because

they're elite-level athletes, but they all went to the buffet.

Wow, it's that season, isn't it?

You can be a little bit more lenient, I imagine.

Uh, we've got a new feature proposal, Dave, Ellis.

You know what we're like with new features?

We are an ideas machine, Yeah.

Yeah.

Go on.

Rosie says, hi, team.

I'm laughing because we were having a brainstorming session and Ellis said,

what about a health podcast?

I laughed for a day.

People love them.

They do.

It was such a general, vague suggestion.

Well, do you know what?

From someone who's clearly never looked into it.

It's like a category you'd find on Apple Podcasts.

Yeah.

Do you know why?

Do you know why?

Because I'd been wasting my time on my phone and I'd seen a couple of clips of Chris and Zan van Tulliken.

Yes.

Who are very, very accessible, the way they speak about different health issues.

So I'd watch some very interesting stuff and I thought, oh, we should do one of those.

I thought, well, they already do it.

And I thought, I'll just put it up there.

So all we need to do is find two incredibly accessible, well-liked doctors and then take advantage of them.

What are we calling it?

The health podcast.

Yes, the people know what it is.

Health podcast with name of the doctor.

But what I liked is it's an idea that that you might have had in 2007

when podcasts were very new.

No, because I'd never heard a podcast then.

Are you?

I'd never listened to a podcast till we were doing a podcast.

What?

No.

Oh, I used to listen to Kermod and Mayo.

Yeah, I didn't used to listen.

I just listened to them.

Did you not listen to Adam and Joe?

I used to listen to them on the radio.

Oh, it's quite late.

I think Serial was my first kind of proper podcast.

What?

So when

you said

on XFM, is the show going to be a podcast?

And Dave said yes.

I wasn't entirely sure what you meant.

And then you seemed very pleased.

So I said, oh, good.

Nice one.

Thinking that's not going to bother me, affect me at all.

And then at the end of the first record, you said, right, let's do an intro for the podcast because that was your idea.

I thought,

an intro for what is it?

And then you just started talking and I talked with you.

And then after about three or four weeks,

I sort of worked out what a podcast was.

And then about a month later, I thought I'd give listening to Willigo, and it was how it won.

I thought it was really good as the radio show without the music and his intro.

Joe, wow.

I just never, I'd never bothered.

Well, there you go.

The origin story.

Yeah.

So this is why I'm behind.

So I think we should do a true crime podcast and a health podcast.

There you go.

This is from Rosie.

Health with John.

Health with Jesus.

Murder with Ellis.

Sport with Dave.

Yeah, do it.

This is from Rosie.

Having a slightly slow summer here with my daughter home from uni, and work is more absent than I would like.

With my creative head on, I wonder if a new feature would appeal.

I quite often want to ask a question about your lives, which isn't intrusive but could lead to a conversation between you both and be of interest to the listener.

For instance, I wonder how you greet each other when you get into the office.

Do you hug or kiss?

We kiss for 15 to 40 minutes, depending on the mood John's in.

If he's in a bad mood, we kiss for longer.

Or do a secret handshake.

Perhaps call it Ask Us Anything.

Q New Jingle.

Dave, hit it.

The jingle?

Yeah.

Ask us anything.

Anything you want to know?

Dun dun dun dun.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

Is it gonna rain?

Is it sunny?

Or is it gonna snow?

Oh, I love it, Dave.

Yeah, I could go on, but it's that's enough, isn't it?

Well, we can give it a go.

How do we greet each other when we get in the morning?

Dave is always on his phone or on a meeting, taking calls, saying, and he'll do that thing where he holds his phone, he moves his phone away,

and he mouths, I'll be one minute,

and then he walks away for 20 minutes.

And he walks away, and you can just hear him saying, bye, bye, bye, sell, sell, sell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That does happen.

It's odd timing because I'm not always on calls, but it feels like on a Friday morning, I am always on a call when you two come in.

Dave is putting out fires left, right, and centre.

Yeah, sackings, hirings, contracts.

Looking into health podcasts.

Looking into health podcasts.

My behests.

Hi.

Is that Apple?

Sure.

Give me a rundown of the 10 highest-grossing health podcasts.

Hang up.

Then he's on the phone to a hospital.

Have you got any doctors who are sort of accessible, kind, good in front of a microphone?

No.

Okay, well, have you got them in front of the hospital?

Must be twins, identical twins with different beards.

Yeah.

I'm usually there ahead of Ellis, but it's certainly not like it was in the Radio X days.

No.

I will be having my cup of tea and either my eggs on toast with an extra slice of toast and feta and jalapeno jam.

Yeah, or a big cake and a coffee.

I'll be going through the

either writing my intro.

So we're in a cafe scenario.

I mean, an actual cafe.

I'm not pretending it's a cafe.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not in the office pretending.

But they're used to the casino.

And then Ellis will come in in his cycling helmet

and he will order a double espresso.

Big time.

They always know he's going to have a double espresso and then he will get his eggs on toast and his yogurt.

Yes.

And he will still be eating it when we come up to the studio.

That's always the case.

And he will either stay down to finish it or bring it up in a takeaway box.

And he'll say, hi, mate.

How are you?

Because I must go so in the morning.

And I'll either say,

I'm fine.

Yeah.

Or I'll say, I'm a bit overworked.

Yeah.

And then he'll get from my tone of voice whether I want to be ignored or talked to.

And it's a fun game.

And it's usually ignored.

It is a fun game.

He needs to be ignored.

He needs to be ignored.

And then John warms up during the course of the morning, I find.

Like a lizard.

Like a big lizard in the sun.

So I don't know.

Can that be a feature, Dave?

It gets a glimpse behind the cloth.

We're glimpsing behind so many cloths today.

Is it interesting enough for the

casual listeners?

Not for Five Live.

No, it's got to be on the Friday app.

It's all bureau.

Anyway,

I think it's that time of the show where we get a big mouthful of Adrian Childs.

The quality of ingredients that you use is also very important.

There are specific pecorino.

If you go to very aged teas, they will get a bit more salty.

So you choose something a little bit more young to give it a creaminess and to balance the salt.

You know,

it's really fascinating.

I can understand, you know, guys, sometimes it's like, why the Italian are so picky.

Spaghetti, black pepper, pecorino cheese, and absolutely nothing else.

We've got it.

Thank you very much, Roberto.

Thank you so much.

All the best.

Have a good weekend.

That's head chef for pasta evangelist.

Ellis and John are here.

Can I have your favorite pasta dish?

If you go into a traditional,

it's Italian trattoria and you can just have one pasta dish,

what would it be?

I'm thinking, I'm going to tell you what I think.

I think, Ellis, I think you go

I'm going, I don't know how traditional carbonara is, but I'm going a straightforward carbonara for you, Alice.

I love carbonara,

but you're wrong.

That's in at number three.

Yeah,

I

love to lasagna.

I love love it.

And I would eat lasagna three times a day for the rest of my life, for the rest of my short life.

Okay.

Okay.

That's good.

So lasagna's one.

Carbonara's three.

What's two?

Classic Bolognese.

Classic Bolognese.

But I also.

Ellis's favourite restaurant is Bella Italia, by the way.

Yes.

And that's not.

I'm not lying.

I don't want people laughing about it.

That's because it's perfect.

It's perfect.

It's perfect.

I had a Bella Italia before I DJ'd at Dancing with Dave, and I thought this has set me up like nothing else.

A bit heavy on you, a bit heavy in the stomach, isn't it?

For a heavy.

I'm not a huge pizza fan.

Of course, I'll eat it.

I ate it last night, but I think that there are better options.

Okay.

What about you, John?

I've got you down as a very kind of austere

pesto-type person.

I don't know why I think that.

It wouldn't be pesto.

It would be, it would be spaghetti.

I think that's the best pasta shape.

Why?

I never know.

What's the difference between shapes?

They're just...

Well,

they're different shapes of different sources.

So often with

a thinner sauce, you'll have a more curvy pasta because

it captures the sauce within it.

Okay, so spaghetti is your favourite wine.

Actually, it tells you it's better than spaghetti.

It's a bit thicker.

I would go for

a

sort of creamy prawn and mushroom spaghetti.

And you can knock it up pretty quickly.

What's that called, though?

What's that called?

Do I have to get that woman from Pastor Evangelista back up to fight to say that?

Tell you what's I had a dish in a very nice restaurant in Naples which was a pistachio sauce on spaghetti with raw prawns.

So the prawns essentially cook in the heat of the dish.

That was sublime.

Fun fact, they don't do that at Bellaritalia.

Don't do it.

Which is why I think that John's dish sounds rubbish.

Okay, got it.

Any other business?

You're looking forward to the football season, Ellis?

I am.

It's this weird thing where it's more exciting what's happening off the pitch than on the pitch at the Swans, because we haven't had a great pre-season, but we are part owned by Snoop Dogg and Luca Modrich.

So it's a very strange thing where off the pitch you're like, oh my God,

we're owned by Snoop Dogg and Luca Modrich, but on the pitch we keep losing preseason.

That's a long old old haul first game of the season, aren't you away at Borough?

Yeah, Middlesbrough.

I know they're all long hauls, but.

Question for you two now.

Spiritually,

technically and morally, what is a football team in 2025?

You could write books on that, both of you, and I would decide which one was best.

When we got relegated from the Premier League, I realised that the people I went with weren't going to change and that I still liked them as much in the championship and as the Premier League, and it made me far more sanguine.

It's nothing about the football, really.

It's nothing about it.

It's certainly nothing about the players who currently play.

It's about the people with whom you watch, isn't it?

And Snoop Dogg will eventually lose interest.

Yeah, but I don't know.

But I want neither of my friends.

What if Snoop Dogg losing interest causes the destruction of the team in the same way that Sheffield Wednesday?

Well, that's

that's the that's that's the issue.

Listen, I've got to move on.

It's we've run out of time.

Adrian, I've just given you a book idea.

Oh, no.

That is a football team.

Well, as you say,

well, we both sort of written it, so you'll have to come up with a better idea for

each of us.

I'll do the advance.

Thanks very much, Alice and John.

Come up a bit later.

Let's get the news on sport.

Well, what a day.

What an anecdote.

What a guest.

What a correspondence.

What a new feature.

It's been hit after hits.

I am buzzing like a fly.

Ellis.

I'm in a pop culture WhatsApp group where we talk about pop culture.

Add me to that, please.

My text message about Oasis was over a thousand words long.

I am potentially.

I'm Dave to the Pop Culture WhatsApp group.

I love that.

I am potentially going to watch Oasis on their final Wembley show.

In general, admission.

You would be welcome to come.

If you fancy...

fancy look at that,

that's scoffing at general advice.

I don't want to be in general.

No, you don't.

You don't really, not anymore.

Because once you've tasted that sweet, sweet

chuck less beer indoors when it's got a roof.

Just something about having a roof would make me feel not like chucking a beer.

And the fact it's 12 quid a pint, probably.

I've never understood it.

I've never understood it.

I think it's weird, and I think it's very annoying.

There was a fair bit of wee thrown back in the day.

Right, but not recently.

I think that's definitely subsided.

Yeah, she's great.

Well, she's great used for everyone.

And probably due to increased facilities at the venues.

Yes.

I mean, I'd love to know Portaloo's per person,

PPP, 1996 versus 2025.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because

Woodstock didn't have any toilets and just some sandwiches in a bag.

Did you ever go to the old Wembley?

No.

Yes.

The old Wembley was rubbish.

Was it?

It was no different to the Vetch or Ninian Park.

It was just massive.

So

I saw Oasis at Wembley in 2000.

Oh, the Familiar to Millions.

Yes.

Liam came on stage and went, S.

Hole!

About time they knocked the FNS down.

And then straight into Rock and Old Star.

Hang on, what?

S-Hole.

This is an S-O.

I thought you said S-O.

No, S-H-S.

I thought you said S-O.

About time they knocked the F-N-S down, then went, hello, Manchester.

How would you expect to endear yourself to the crowd with those introductions?

I think he was drunk.

Also, at Nebworth, he didn't know they were doing a second night, which is hilarious.

He had a massive night out after the first one, thinking that he was done.

They were like, Liam, yeah, what about tomorrow?

And he's like, You are.

But they're much more professional now.

Anyway, bye-bye, everyone.

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