#460 - John’s 50 Kids, Nish Kumar and The Cobbles Sing Their Plaintive Lament

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Hello, listeners. I've got a question for you.

What does success look like?

Is it John, Edinburgh Comedy Award winner, word game expert, and someone who's managed to make much-loved podcasts about his two favourite things, trauma and golf?

And Queen. And Queen, three, three much-loved podcasts.

Is it Dave Masterman, a man who's gone on holiday to the Algarve again, such is his confidence that he's an integral and saccable part of this show?

Actually, I think that if you're to sum up success, look no further than Little Ellis James.

Because finally, after 20 years of doing stand-up, I've gone viral after a post was made on the British Golden Age Facebook page. What's that? Right then, for the following joke.

Wales is not just rugby, sheep and valleys.

We have Wi-Fi, sarcasm, indie bands, and a perfectly balanced sense of inferiority and pride, which makes us both unbeatable in both passive aggression and heartwarming hospitality.

This has gone viral. I keep seeing it being shared.

Yeah, the problem is, I never said that, is AI.

So

I looked on a Swansea City fans forum the other day and people were discussing this joke that I'd made that I've never made. But there's a little thing that goes alongside it.

Ellis James champions Welsh identity with warmth and self-awareness, blending national pride with gently mocking humour.

This point of view, delivered during a stand-up segment about cultural stereotypes that I never wrote, reveals his love for the complexity of his heritage.

Rather than lean on clichés, Ellis reinvents them, bringing nuance and after to the conversation about national image. His comedy thrives on contrast, humble yet sharp, proud yet self-effacing.

John, it's being shared and I never said it. I've been AI'd.
There's one for me as well. Yes, I've just found your one.
Can you read what mine one says? Yeah. So this is like a sort of AI

nostalgia comedy Facebook page. Yes.
I have deleted Facebook and all its contents. Okay.
And Twitter and all its contents. So I'm not able to actually see this stuff.
Heartbreak isn't poetic.

It's spreadsheets, empty mugs, the crushing silence of radio playlists that suddenly mean too much and a feeling that you're being haunted by a ghost who still use all your cereal.

I mean, that's closer. The problem is

I saw that. I thought to myself, it was quite good actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it needs a few commas.

AI hasn't mustered basic punctuation yet. Well, the comic Rhys James addressed this in a recent Instagram video because he's written a book.
Yeah.

And when you write a book now, as soon as it gets listed on Amazon, AI bots write books about you to try and trick people into buying the sort of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's now like six biographies of Rhys James,

all of which don't exist until you buy them, and then the AI generates them and prints them, and they're sort of self-printing.

If you search any comedian on Amazon, there will be a truth of the truth behind Ellis James. I'm going to look one up now.

Sean Robbins is a master of turning emotional trauma into finely tuned stand-up. Can't argue with that, mate.
No. I think AI's got a lot to offer.

This point of view stems from his post-break-up material that propelled his 2017 show, The Darkness of Robbins, to critical acclaim.

Rather than romanticize pain, he confronts it with stark realism and absurd detail. Serial theft by an emotional ghost exemplifies his flair for metaphoric humour.

Robbins blends intense vulnerability with sharp wit, mining his own suffering to create comedy that resonates deeply.

His shows often navigate themes of masculinity, heartbreak, and existential dread, using everyday images like spreadsheets and radio playlists to ground larger emotional truths.

I mean, this has got you.

I mean,

Hochman and Sinker, isn't it? It's done me there. It's

hallucinated the serial theft by ghost line. So, because neither of us has written our own biography,

mine's coming out next year. Yeah.

One of the great autobiographies. Yeah.
John's the Best by John Robbins. Yeah.

You're like Morrissey. You insisted it's already become a Penguin classic.
I actually insisted it was a Penguin Classic classic.

So of the Penguin Classics, it's the classic range. Yeah, yeah, it's Penguin Classic Squared.
And it's printed on gold leaf, which makes it very hard to read. Okay.

So because neither of us have done this, Amazon has yet to create sort of AI nonsense Ellis and John books. However, there is a book,

Ellis, John, and Dave. Is there? Yeah.
Content providers. Looking for a fun notebook as a...
Oh, no, this is not the same. It's just someone selling merch.
Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

What, an official merch? Yes, an official merch. Oh, good crap.
Oh, we've not even been AI'd. Well, we both have, individually.

It is very weird to see a joke that you never wrote being shared by people you know who assume it's you. Here we go.
Ivo Graham, The Untold Story of an English Stand-Up Comedian and Comedian Writer.

Imagine if that was the title of your book.

One review, three stars.

What does the review say?

This is mad. Is that a genuine review, you think? Do you think someone's actually bought the dialogue? Someone's rated it three out of five.
So someone has obviously been hooked in.

Ivo Graham, the untold story of an English stand-up comedian and comedian writer, takes you on a journey through the life and career of one of Britain's most clever and relatable comedians.

From his early years at Eton and Oxford to his rise as a prominent figure in the comedy world, this biography reveals the man behind the witty and self-deprecating humour.

Ivo Graham's comedy, so it's like a sort of Wikipedia

sort of rake.

Oh dear. I mean, really weird.
This is the thing with AI is like if no one is checking,

I mean look at that for a front cover. It's a cutout of Ivo in a water boys t-shirt that's not been flipped by the camera so it reads backwards.

It's just anyway, this is the world we live in and we just have to chop wood, carry water. I must admit though, because it's almost something I would say.
Yeah.

And it's clearly close enough for people to believe it because it's been shared by people I actually know personally, including one person I was at school with.

You think to yourself, well, in two years' time, they'll have mastered it. Put my feet up then, get AI to write me a stand-up show, just go out and learn it, go out and then perform it, rake it in.

Well, the problem is it can't write jokes. No, it's the problem.
What serial theft by a ghost? It can. I mean, that's a good idea.
I could do something with that. Yeah, yeah.

I could have an AI assistant to give me ideas. Yeah, it's like having a writing partner that you don't need to pay.
Yeah, which is sad because what happens if you're a professional comedy writer?

Well, exactly.

God, we're just going to be

what are we going to do? I'm sad now. No, I'm happy again.
No, no, you're happy again. You've been carrying Walton Chopping Wood, for God's sake.
Yes, yes. And also, no one can do what you do, man.

Thanks, man. Yeah?

No, they can't. I shouldn't have had that brownie.
Oh, just.

I'm completely honest with us. Well, also, this AI won't do this, will it?

AI won't get tired because it's had too much chocolate in the middle. Well, AI doesn't have a sugar crash, it just hallucinates ghost cereal theft.
Yeah, okay. What have you been doing, Ellis?

An enormous amount of looking on Facebook and looking at people who I know personally sharing things that I never said and worrying whether I should say anything. Have you been to any car dealerships?

Yes, I have, to the brand that you don't like, and I saw one that I liked. And then you said in your mind John wouldn't like that, so I'm going home now.

That is what happened because

we didn't have time to try it because my daughter had a play date and I did say to Izzy John doesn't like these. And Izzy said well then we must do what pleases him.
Yeah. Yeah.

It's an odd

relationship I have with my wife.

I'm not sure what John would say. And she goes, why is he buying the car?

Is he a member of the family in a way? Yes. He's the ghost that eats all the cereal.
Yes. So are you going to go to any different dealerships? I think we might this weekend.
Where are you going to go?

One of those sort of big ones that's got lots of different cars, I think. Okay.
Yeah, and have a quick look around. Interesting.

I am free this weekend. And we're still using those pay-as-you-go cars, which I quite like.
The bar. Yeah, but it's not sustainable.

Not for long journeys, but it is quite nice to drive lots of different cars. That's the thing.
That's very true. Lots of different small cars.
Lots of different small electric cars.

But don't you miss the feeling of

your car brand being part of who you are?

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Don't you walk around thinking, for example, I am a Kia owner. Yeah, do you not feel like that? No.
Okay.

I think I felt like that for about an hour after I bought my last car in 2010 or 2014 or whenever it was. I was remembering going, oh, I've got a Volkswagen car now.
Yeah. But that really wasn't.

But you didn't carry it with you wherever you went. You didn't carry it with me, no.
This is where we're different.

Because for a long time, I was a Skoda driver. Yeah.
I valued efficiency. I knew something.

In a sense, I was a conspiracy theorist because I had access to information that the mainstream didn't have, which is that Skodas were essentially Volkswagens, but cheaper.

Yes, I remember you saying that a lot. And I remember when you were a Lanos driver.
Well, a Lanos driver,

I was from outer space.

That was a curveball. And I would walk around thinking, my car cost 1,200 quid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've beaten you.

I've beaten the system. I've beaten the system.

And I would drive past from Porsche to Landrover to... Ionique.
And you felt like the winner. I say, I've beaten you.
And you don't even know I've beaten you because I'm driving a Deu Lanos.

And then the same as with the Skoda, I've beaten you.

I'm the best.

And again, with the Kia, the last thing they're expecting from a Skoda slash Kia slash Lanos driver is for them to be next to them in traffic lights, looking at them smugly, going, I win.

So where's next? Well, this is the question on the lips of the entire motor industry. Where's next? Because obviously

where I go, millions follow.

Well, Dave followed. Dave followed.

See, I can't follow because it would look dodgy because of the unique way the BBC is funded. But because I win, I might not be following for another 10, 15 years because I win with such good cars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your car will

last

as will all of the other cars.

Because all cars are the same. All cars are the same.
Apart from the brand Ellis is considering, which I think

points to a personality trait, especially in men who drive them, that I don't like and I don't value. And I think is bad for Britain.
I think they look quite nice, though.

I think they're bad for Britain. Okay.

How are you? Interesting. I've not had a lot on.
Well, I have had a lot on, but I've not had a lot on.

And that could be tricky, can it? Oh, it's a constant minefield. You know, one minute you're very grateful to live alone.
The next minute you wake up feeling sad.

Yeah, but we're going to the cricket tomorrow. Going to the cricket tomorrow.

I'll be a thousand days sober tomorrow, but two, three days ago, so I might have got got lashed on the day of the cricket on the day of the cricket cricket is a thousand days don't let me get lashed oh no of course not maybe they'll put it up on the big screen like when when ben stokes got his 200th wicket but if there's rain they might discuss it on tms

yeah so we just wash rinse repeat we go again we do not let this slip we go to norwich and we do the same we have two prawn vindaloos and then we get to bed yeah yeah we do our crosswords and we listen to acoustic guitar music yeah well i will drink tomorrow so you and i can just watch a cricket sober You can drink if you want.

I'm not going to. I'm just water.
I've got two coffees each. I'm going to have water, coffee, and tea, sparkling water, back to plain water.
Lovely. Tea again.
All the waters.

All the different waters. Squash.
Yes, I'm looking forward to going to cricket with you because last time you weren't there and I got papped behind Trevor MacDonald and Roy Hodgson.

Do you remember in my mustard suit and people put it on

the Facebook group because it was D.I. Robbins as like a security detail for MacDonald and Hodgson.
And that's exactly what it looked like. I hope Roy Hodgson is there tomorrow.

You will have more to say to him than I did. Well, he was at Wimbledon and he had to sit next to Olivia Rodrigo, which is such a funny combination of Rodders and Hodders.

But Hodgson's a man of broad tastes. Yes, he is.
And he speaks about five languages, Roy Hodgson. Incredible.

I met him once and he was very nice. And he introduced himself to me as if I wouldn't know who he was, even though he had just been England manager.
So obviously I knew who he was. Very nice man.

So yes, Ellis and I off to the cricket. full dispatch full

report from that on Friday

well we are joining to our comrades in Edinburgh every week to get a flavor of the festival and to get a

think of other things like flavor of the festival that alliterate

a taste of the top

yes a taste of the top.

Because our next guest is at the very top of British comedy, global comedy, in fact. He's just come back from Canada.

Yes, and we are getting a flavour of the festival, a taste of the top, and a

hat full of ha-has

from the Edinburgh Festival. It's a kissing of comedy.
A kissing of comedy. And we're delighted to be joined by Nish Kumar.
Hello, Nish.

It's like watching Mozart compose. It is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can see having to compose with a piano that's out of tune and when he was really ill, like, right,

like minutes from death. Nish,

I saw you on Tuesday just before you went to Edinburgh and you seem

very, very relaxed. So what's going on? Well, there's no good way of describing what I'm doing at the Edinburgh Festival other than to use the phrase artistically bankrupt.
Okay, filming it in.

He sold out, Nish.

yeah yes but we have added two new shows no i meant i meant morally oh yes uh this uh this year's show is uh actually brought to you by halliburton weapons systems yeah yeah lockheed martin

yeah so tell us about how you're artistically bankrupt nish well because i'm doing 10 well i'm doing 12 dates now of a show that i've been touring for a full year so what you won't get from me is the nerves of somebody doing

a show that they and they don't know if it works works. I already know this show doesn't work.
So

it's the classic Edinburgh rinse. Yeah.
Yeah, it's the Edinburgh Rinse. Yeah, I was here last year doing a work in progress.

Now I'm doing a work in regress. 12 nights at the EICC, 40 quid a ticket, sold out.
Just coover up that audience. Literally taking money from other people's buckets.

Yeah, actually taking money away from yourself 15 years ago. Yeah.

We're being humorous with niche listeners, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because obviously Edinburgh is a creative playground and it allows people to try new ideas in a way that's culturally very open to that kind of thing.

Nish, on the other hand, is just seeing it as another payday. Oh, yeah, pay

the month. That's what Nish calls it.

So Nish, early doors. I know you with David O'Doherty last night because I've had text content with him about the Tour de France.

What's the early doors? My dream? I was texting about the Tour de France two days ago. I think he only.
Is anyone not communicating with David about the Tour de France? Oh, God.

So what's the vibe on the streets, Nish? What are the early whispers?

The early whispers are, this is going to be a huge year for a reuniting double act by the name of Oasis. The name on the lips for best newcomer and spirit of the fringe are the Gallagher brothers.

And do you know what? I agree 100% with that.

Are the Cobbles singing their plaintiff lament? What's that mean, John? You can't ask a question.

When I go to Edinburgh, the Cobbles sing their plaintiff lament. But you're the only one who knows what that means, and you're not telling us what it means.

Well, a lot of the ghost tours of Edinburgh fail to recognise that the ghosts are within us. Nish, how's the show

going? It's on until August the 10th. What the hell has gone on with John today? Has someone not given john coffee he's really

i think what it is john it gets very very emotional and nostalgic when it comes to edinburgh chats and he romanticizes edinburgh so he finds it impossible to ask questions to anyone who's actually performing at the festival without

sort of you know degrading himself and talking in this kind of sub-poetic language so what he's asking is what's the vibe on the street people have done their first gigs already who have you bumped into?

Have you heard if anything's good yet? How are you finding it?

People who I've bumped into. Amy Annette, because I am sharing a room with her as part of my ongoing romantic and personal relationship that we've been having.

Hers is the only show I've seen. So make of that what you will.
But it was very good. It was great.
Where is she on? She's off to the fly. Amy is on at the Pleasants Courtyard.
Oh, lovely. Okay.

At 4.35. Nice.
And the other person I've run into is David O'Doherty, who we are living with. So I've not cast the net hugely wide so far this year.
There's still time.

And also the fact that you know your show inside and out and you're not working on it

because

you're emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. It made you allowed to watch.

If your show is on at 10 past five, you could be watching another show until five o'clock, can't you? And then you can just humble over to the venue. I'm very excited about

all the shows that I'm going to see. I'm really looking forward to getting stuck in.

I have actually seen some shows because there's some shows here that were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival where I was also performing earlier this year. Two Hearts for a Musical Double Act.

Laura Daniel and Joseph Moore. Absolutely fantastic.
Absolutely. electric show.

I'm excited to see Priya Hall and Leila Navarbi, who both supported me on tour this year.

I'm also, I'm very sad that I'm not going to be able to see Desiree Birch's show because it's on at the same time as me

and she's doing the same half run that I'm doing but she is always always fantastic always worth watching

I

yeah and I there's there's a bunch of things that I'm I'm really excited about I'm looking forward to seeing another little up-and-comer called Daniel Kitson

yes he's here I think for his 350th fringe I've heard he's got a lot to offer Yes, yes.

I read an email where he said he hadn't done any work and it was going to be shambolic, which he sends every year

um anyway nish david o'doherty is a mainstay of the fringe he's a mainstay of the fringe he's a veteran in the middle of the 19th century is dio d doing new stuff or is he doing what you're doing no he's doing new stuff so he's doing something that has artistic value all right okay

um nish we would be very grateful if you could help a listener out with a problem are you up for that Always. I'm always up for helping your listeners.

Given that they're your listeners, they need all the help that they can get. Let's be honest.
Well, it's time for Call a Comedian.

Who'd you call if your bum goes crazy? My bum going crazy now.

Don't call a scout leader.

Don't call a dog breeder. No, dog.

Call a comedian.

There you go, just a pretty run-of-the-mill jingle.

It's the purest expression of what Ellis finds funny.

It's also quite weird seeing you on this video angle because I've only ever seen you in this studio on close-up clips on Instagram or from the position of being sat at the table with you.

It's more hostile the angle that I'm looking at the two of you at, because you're both sat at opposite ends of the table and it looks like the coffee scene from heat.

I've also noticed, Nish, that you've blurred your background on your Zoom, which always makes me think that the wall is covered in pornography.

The wall is covered in Beatles lyrics. It's just

stuff that you can't clear. It's stuff that is absolutely unclear on the tape.

Yeah, it's covered in happy birthday and incredibly biased political statements. So we can't, neither of which are welcome on the BBC.
Well, here is this week's conundrum for Nish to solve.

It's quite a long one, Nish.

So here we go. Hello, I am a man.
I'm an English man. Hello.
Hello.

I am an English man, and I would like to remain anonymous.

Three months ago, I was lucky enough not just to fall in love with a wonderful woman, but hide enough of my key flaws for her to fall in love with me too.

She's not just a woman, she's an Australian woman. In two months' time, she will return to Australia for a time-scale TBC.

However, the separation and longing that will follow is not what I need help with. My job is remote, so we have options to explore.

I've not yet met her family, and our first tactic in overcoming what we're referring to as Project Pining

is a trip out to visit her for all of December. My problem is this.

Her dad is a man, and when I say a man, I mean a handlebar, moustache-wearing, tinny-sinking, cricket, madman's man. Merv Hughes.

I've seen a photo of him with a hat with five cans of beer attached and five straws in his mouth. If I have more than one beer.
Oh, no, no, no. That's David Boone.
That's David Boone.

It's got to be David Boone. If I have more than one beer, my skin goes red and I feel sick, so I have to drink shandy.

When I say cricket mad, I mean he spends his retirement going to every match in the same outfit.

He is so cricket mad that he has a nickname amongst Aussie cricket fans and TV cameras pick him out, inspiring a cheer every time he's on the big screen.

The above information now makes up my entire knowledge of cricket, because, despite being a man, I'm not a sport man.

I like role-playing games, and have, in the recent past, donned the odd cloak and ceremonial sword to meet with like-minded folks to engage in woodland, field, or castle-based scenarios.

As an act of welcome, a hand of fatherly friendship stretched out across the miles, he is treating me to a trip to the England-Australia cricket game in Brisbane. Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.

No problem, I thought. I can do polite chat for an hour or two that it must take to play a cricket game.

I will even pay for in-flight Wi-Fi to access the Wikipedia page for cricket to read on the plane. But according to my girlfriend, cricket is not a matter of hours, but days.
A whole day?

I cried out. There was a pause.
Um, she looked suddenly small. It's actually five days.
Five? I felt like I was falling. But don't worry, he's only got you tickets for the first three.

My flight gets in at 11pm and we begin our bonding session at 10am the following day.

How, as sport-loving men with a love of cricket, am I supposed to impress a dad I haven't met watching a sport I don't understand after 34 hours in transit for, after some research, 270 overs? P.S.

What is an over? Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Oh, my God. Nish thoughts, because in many ways, this listener is living our dream.
Yeah, and also, yeah, absolutely living our dream.

But also, the first half of that is obviously very relatable because I think my deepest fear as a cisgendered heterosexual man was becoming romantically involved with someone whose father is a sort of, you know, brawling alpha male because that's not really.

That's the point. Yeah, absolutely 100%.

Even though you do tackle at football like you've voted Brexit.

Yeah, I do. Listen, I go in hard.
Okay. It's a contact sport.

The last time I checked, the wokes hadn't taken that from us. it's not a 50-50 challenge it's a 4852 challenge yeah it's good humor and he's not at the festival

what a crime and also crucially he's not taking a position on which side of that was good so it's admissible on the bbc yes it's just a simple statement of fact that's a good joke um

so nish what would you do going into day one of the uh test at the gabba Okay, you've got, well, first of all, we need to clarify what the GABA means because half of the problem with cricket is is that you have to sort of demystify all of these terms and yes listen anonymous english listener you are right cricket does not take a couple of hours it takes a full working week test a test match is the length of a working week five full days now what i would say is we just i just i think i'm gonna have to record a series of voice notes to prime you for cricket what i would say is actually

watching that there is an England test match going on at the moment with India and I would as soon as humanly possible just put the it put radio 5 live on and listen to test match special because the thing about cricket that my partner who has absolutely no interest in sport whatsoever has observed is that when you watch football there is an assumption on the part of the broadcasters that everyone knows everything and so they throw terms around like offside slide rule or the high press without any contextualization but cricket broadcasting is done with the knowledge that people actively do not not want the information that they're trying to give them.

So they will work very, very hard to explain every single term that they're using. And also, crucially.

All of our friend and the nation's sweetheart, Andy Zoltzman, is the statistician on TMS. And Andy will provide a huge amount of context for you.

Just stick the radio on and listen to a full day's commentary and you will get a real grasp of the game. Also, obviously, reading the Wikipedia page for cricket helps.

It's very difficult for me to explain this because as a South Asian person, I have a genetic predisposition to type 2 diabetes and test match cricket. So

I was sort of,

at no point did I have to learn the rules of cricket. I was just bought, I was just sort of birthed into me, you know?

Unfortunately, I don't know.

The test match special is I mean, yesterday, Andy was trying to work out a stat based in what's the most wides bowled in the first 28.2 overs of a game, but he couldn't work out.

Yeah, but he couldn't work out where the wides in the past were counted as one wide and four buys, if it was five wides.

And then what would happen if they also ran a wide and got the four wides and the wide for the wide.

And I don't know that our listener listen, I think you need the TV to be able to see what they're saying. I must admit that the sky coverage does very good explainers.

Well, the dream scenario is sky on the telly, TMS on the radio, sky muted, TMS lined up. That's the dream scenario.

Sky in the streets, TMS in the sheets. Exactly.
You want Aggers in bed, you want Atherton at your front door,

you know, Ebony Rainford Brenton in the lounge,

Nasser Hussain at the local

car wash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not sure the metaphor stretches. Yeah, Michael Vaughan taking the bins out.

Michael Vaughan, no, Michael Vaughan's taking the bins to the front door, at which point they are picked up in the past by David Gowery and Botham, but now by Rob Key.

Okay.

That hasn't helped the test at all.

I think you definitely need to. Cricket is incredible.

It's an incredible sport, and the longer the better. Like, it is,

it's the great thing about it being

what I will say is we're talking a lot about how much preparation you need to do, but also crucially, people who like cricket or love clearly, your prospective father-in-law loves cricket.

People who love cricket love to explain the game of cricket to people who don't know anything about it. Very good point.

So, actually, a good bonding thing might be going totally cold and truly just have

him

explain the game to you and go in there in the spirit of openness and empathy. And maybe have a few coffees because you will be beyond jet lagged.
Yeah, a few questions.

Would you say Joe Ru is the greatest uh english test batsman of all time has the best ball changed the game forever etc etc yeah and um also just enjoy regardless of how much you understand enjoy the experience of being in one of the most incredible sporting arenas 100 just enjoy the atmos there's a lot of stuff going on around the ground it's massive the gap as well massive and everyone wants to be there who's who enjoys things I enjoy.

Yeah. I want to be there.

Do you know what? It would be very, very hot and humid though. Yes, take a big hat and also an umbrella.
And do cream up. You have to, you have to cream up.

But sometimes they have swimming pools in the Australian venues where you can sort of hang out in the swimming pool. Do they? Yeah.
Why do not? Because it's so hot.

Well, Nish, thank you so much for joining us. We hope you have a wonderful month in Edinburgh and I hope you get to see lots of people.

What venue are you doing? I'm doing the George Square Theatre

for the assembly, and then on the 16th and 17th, I'm at the monkey barrel. And I will say, all of the proceeds of those two shows go to charity.

All of the proceeds of the rest of the show go to charami.

Putting something back. That's what I like to see.

And we'll have another

emissary from the Edinburgh Festival next week. Oh, I like that.

Hello, it's Ray Winstone. I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4, History's Toughest Heroes.

I got stories about the pioneers, the rebels, the outcasts who define tough.

And that was the first time that anybody ever ran a car up that fast with no tires on. It almost feels like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head.
Tough enough for you.

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Do you miss the Edinburgh Festival, Ellis? Yes. I missed it a lot the last time I went, which was 2023.

When was the last time you did a full run, though? 2012.

You are kidding me. You are kidding me.

So you've only done four solo shows.

Yeah, six shows in total if you include the sketch shows. No wonder your comedy's so underdeveloped.

Imagine if I was still

using the Muscles 2012 John built. What, when you were at Camp and High Voiced? When I was that was my Camp and High Voiced.
Yeah.

That was my What the F era. Yes, it was, yeah.
That was my WTF era. I've written four Welsh shows since, so eight standard shows in total.
They don't count. Eight shows in total and sketch shows.

That's ten shows. They count historically.
Yes. They should be in a museum.
They're on the record. They're on the record.
They're part of the National Archive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're in several time capsules buried in Monmouth. Yeah, diaries have gone to the National Library in Aberystwyth.
Do you write your diaries in Welsh or English?

I would write gig diaries in Welsh, depending on what language the gig was in. But they're the only diaries I've ever kept is gig diaries.

Interesting.

Huh. Okay.
Okay. Well, let's just see how connected you are to that language, that people,

that community, that inheritance of pride, of decency, of greenery,

of the fertile land and the dramatic mountain. It's time to come reconnect.

school

do you know Daffodils no

come on mate you must do no we've never met at all

before we connect or fail to connect we've got a couple of emails this is from Louise in CA90210

What's that mean? That means America, Ellis. California? California 90210 Beverly Hills, where they chew gum and play computer games.

And they kiss with tongues.

Wear leather jackets to school. And they go to high school prom.
Yeah, and they get 41-year-olds to pretend they're teenagers. Yeah, and that's the dark side.

Louise says, Dear Ellis, John, and Dave, given Ellis's current form, do you think the Cymru connection theme is adversely affecting the outcome? Let's examine. Do you know David Evans? No.

Come on, mate, you must do no, we've never met at all.

Is this negative refrain predetermining the connection success rate remember your brain hears everything else no no never mindset that's what you're listening to on your headphones as you get off the team coach no no never

would they allow that at you know wraith rovers no well i don't know i don't know

i think i was thinking of roy of the rovers but he wouldn't have had headphones in his day and if he did they'd have been massive

I have a thought. How about asking my fellow jingler Craig to re-record a positive theme theme tune? This sort of thing.
Do you know David Evans? Sort of. Oh, okay.
How about his sister?

Yes, I've known her since we were small. So realistic.
Well, positive. Yes, positive, yes.
Yes.

Surely you will put a pep in Ellis's step. Is it worth a go to get past the elusive 50%? Yours as always, Louise in California, 90210, Stateside USA.
Doesn't actually say 90210.

Stateside USA Mum's Apple Pie, that's what it says.

Central Station. As American as Mum's Apple tart.
Yeah, and Milwaukee.

Gatorade. Yeah.

And other drinks that you can't get over here as much. Twinkies, whatever they are.
Twinkies.

And

Prime.

You can get that in. Kenkey, yeah, yeah.
But don't drink it. Too many energy drinks going around, young people, these days.
Big cans. Mad.
Absolutely mad.

Anyway,

I'll get off my soapbox.

This is from Andrew Marsh. Shammai Ellis.
Shamai, Andrew. My name is Andrew Marsh, and I'm a former head teacher based in Somerset.

I'm writing to you as I wanted to let you know that my first book is about to be published, and it contains a section on the importance of connecting for well-being, in which I discuss your Cymru connection feature at length.

Incidentally, it is being published five miles west of Carmarthen. Oh, hello.
In a place called Bankifelin. Bankelin.
So I know.

I have no doubt that you'll be able to connect with at least one of the team there.

It explores the impact of being an introvert in a leadership role as well as discussing well-being strategies such as connecting. I was worrying about that on the bike the other day.
What?

Being an introvert in a leadership role. You'll never be in a leadership role.
Exactly. Yes, don't you worry.
But if comedy worked out, what would I be doing?

Because I'd now be at an age, 42, where I'd be looking at leadership roles, but I wouldn't want one. You'd be disenchanted, but very happy with that.
Yeah.

You'd be living in a shared house, you wouldn't mind. Yeah.

You'd be listening to music a lot, going to gigs. Yeah, that sounds so good.
Probably a bit happier. Sounds quite good.
I certainly wouldn't be driving.

Kind regards, Andrew Marsh. Ellis, you are influencing the literary canon of Andrew Marsh.
Oh, that's so good. And I'm guessing others.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Welcome.

Right, last week Ellis failed to find a connection to call a Rodri. It turns out it wasn't one of the 40 Rodries that Ellis knows.
So many Rodries. His connection rate has now fallen.

I've got a feeling this is an all-time low, Ellis, to 45%.

He's connected with 23 out of 51. It's enough to win an election, though.

In a first-past-the-post system. Yeah, in a first-past-the-post system.
You could form a Cymru Connection Coalition.

Let's see if he can notch that connection rate up a bit. We have a caller on the line from Wales.
Hello, caller.

Hello, caller.

Hello, caller.

We have a connection issue.

Hello to you.

Shumai,

Bith,

Kanali Dinas,

Araf,

Shumai, Shumai, Dioch, Diochi Vaur,

Diochmalu,

Abatawe

Agent School

Eskomoiska 153.

Oh, I've been with Grig. With Grig, Germold.

Do you know

Riandai Davis's daughter? I do. Yeah.
Oh my goodness me.

From the kickoff.

From the kickoff. Sit up straight.

Come on.

Let's talk. Let's talk.
Okay. Okay.
So I'm assuming you went to...

Did you ever go to Theatre Cloyd a lot? A lot, yeah. Do you know Rhys Evans?

He was leaving school when I started school. I don't know him.
Yes. So do you know his brother Their?

He was a year ahead of me. Okay.

But I don't know him. Do you know my friend Griff Edwards?

Oh, no, he's a little bit younger. That's fine.
We've done it. We've done it.
We've done it. We've done it.
Talk about Rianne.

Rianne, what do you do for a living out of curiosity? I'm a community navigator. What's that mean?

Social prescribing, linking people to community activity, improved well-being, their loneliness, that sort of stuff. That sounds like a very nice job and a very worthwhile job.

And how do you know Rianne?

I was in school. She was in school with my sister.
Oh, lovely. Oh, and she's also the great Di Davis' daughter.

Didavis played for Wales in the 70s and early 80s and played for Swansea City when we were in the first division. The great Di Davis.
And he was a druid at the Estev Ford.

He's got it all. And I saw Rianne.

She did teach me PE as well. There we go.
Oh, wow. Did he? I saw her at the Euros, actually, a couple of weeks ago.
So this is good. This works.
We have value. Are you still living in with Greg?

I live in Bridgende, Pennagon. Oh,

okay. I think I can probably connect with you in many other ways.

Do it!

Well, do you?

You don't happen to know my friend Dr. Did Francis, do you? And his kids play for Pennabont.
Okay, that's fine.

So, where do you work for Bridgende Council?

Barvo, which is the voluntary organisation that covers Brigent. Right.

So, do you know of any other connections with Ellis?

I know some. I know that I'm thinking that there might be some via South Wales Reds, Cochran Dick, and Rexham supporters in South Wales, maybe.
Oh, possibly. Who would you know then that I might know?

A lot of them have

really dedicated Wales away. Oh, okay.
Do you know the great Tommy Caus?

Cheesy Tommy. If you know Tommy Caus, I went to Wembley with him.
I've only met him once, but we spent the whole day with him going to Wembley for him. There we go, and he has value.

Cheesy Tommy has value.

This is good stuff. Oh, do you know what? You've put a real spring in my step, Rian,

Gail.

Sorry, I must do your ass.

Put a real spring in my step, Gail.

Oh, my God. This is good.
This is good. This is good for Wales.
It's good for Cymru Connect. I'm bringing up my statistics.

Because,

Ascomas Garmont, it is

that part of North Wales is difficult for me. I thought it might be.
Yeah,

it is. So I've been, you know, I was on a slightly sticky wicket there, but I think I made it work.
I made it work. Well, thank you very much for calling in, Gail.
Tim Proplain. But

nice character to see you.

There we go. How will it affect the stats? We'll find out next week, but it's a win.
It's a tick. It's a positive.
And you needed that, Ellis.

It's just nice when you're offered a tap in to try and break the net.

Just to really kick the ball as hard as you can. Yes.

Proper Chloe Kelly and just smash it in. Well, it was a bit like Gus Atkinson's run out yesterday.
Oh yeah. Like he had way more time than he used but he just threw down those stumps.

Yes but the top players time works differently for the top players. Oh yeah.
He may as well have had a billion years. Yeah yeah because they see in slow motion.
Yes like flies.

And for that five seconds I was seeing in slow motion. That's why you can never slap Gus Atkinson or like catch him in a tea towel.
Yeah just will immediately fly away. Yes, yes.

But he can't get out of a window.

I was thinking that the other day.

If I could have a hundred superpowers, one of them would be communicating with flies. Because it'd be like,

how thick are you?

It's even the brightest side of the room. So like, why are you flying around? You must know that the sun is bright.
Yeah. So fly towards the sun and I'll do the rest of the work.

Yeah, or be slow enough that I can squidge you. Yeah.
But at the moment you're uncatchable. Yeah.
But I've opened the window. You're panicking.
You're panicking. Don't panic.
Think it through. Yeah.

Like sit down on leaf or whatever and think about it for just a second, which in your mind is probably a billionaire. Take a deep breath, fly.
Good grief.

So there we go. We'll have more Camery Connection next week.

Right, well, we're going to bring back a corpse from the canal of the past. That's a horrible way of putting it.

Don't do that.

Right, it's time to shake hands with an old friend. That's a much nicer way of saying it.
You've edited out John's introduction to the speech. We can leave it in.
We can leave it in.

We just, you know, seat of the pants, wind and a prayer, hope and a kiss and a cuddle, and full intercourse. We are going to do a petty parliament.
Dear. Oh, no, here's the song.

Order. Order.

Eyes to the right, nose to the left.

I find the right honourable gentleman annoying. Ellis and John's petty parliament.
I sentence you to ten years.

It's not a court.

On BBC sounds.

Now, Ellis, unfortunately, we're no longer in a two-party system because Dave is in the Algave.

Of course.

So we have moved to, unfortunately, the American presidential system where you have ultimate power. Yeah.
You can really ride roughshod over the global stage. Looking forward to this.

I am a Speaker of the House, some in your pocket.

But I'm going to read out this week's Petty Parliament, and you will decide. Dear sirs, I submit to thee my petty parliament.

In every home, there is a selfish one, exemplified through their needless neglect of minor tasks and selfishly leaving them for their cohabitant.

This could be a sibling, a spouse, a housemate, a significant other, etc.

The all too common retort for such incidents was, I'm sorry, I was in a rush and I didn't have time. The inference is that they are busy.
I'm not, and my time can be used to clean up their mess.

I'm sure this rings true for at least 50% of the general bee. After 10 years of living with such a culprit, my wife, I decided to tackle this head-on.

I started timing myself how long it takes to do these common tasks. I now know putting the iron and ironing board away takes 14 seconds.
Clearing the dishwasher takes 125 seconds.

Putting tea bags in the bin takes four seconds. Cleaning a coffee percolator takes 85 seconds.
Putting the bins out takes 185 seconds. Putting recycling in recycling bin takes 15 seconds.

Putting the toilet roll tube in the bin after use 10 seconds. You get the picture.

Punishment. Everyone gets one warning.
Once informed of the time taken, they have one chance to improve.

If they don't, the next day, after such an incident, they must introduce themselves in their first interaction of the day, whether it be a meeting, video call, shopkeeper, while buying vapes,

and by saying, hello, my name is InsertName and I am selfish. My name is InsertName and I am selfish.
Repeat for the duration of the corresponding offence.

Okay, so for a toilet roll failing to be put in the bin, that would be 10 seconds.

For failing to clean the coffee percolator, that would be 85 seconds of saying, hello, my name is John and I am selfish.

So taking the bins out, you'd have to start start a video call by saying, hello, my name is Ellis and I am selfish for three, over three minutes. Over three minutes.

I trust John and Dave will push this through whilst Ellis is already having to declare he is selfish for leaving Izzy something to do this morning. Much love, Jamie, and London.

Interesting.

I have been guilty of telling myself I don't have time to do things when obviously I have ample time to do everything with time to spare. Because, you know,

if I could bring up 50 kids, right, which I know I could. On your own.
On my own, which I know I could.

How's cooking work? You just cook a big curry.

For 50. Yeah, every day.
Every day. Yeah.
So that's dinner.

What are you doing for breakfast? Leftover curry.

You're just constantly cooking a curry. Yeah.
Like a sourdough starter. Okay.
It's the curry that never ends. Yeah.

So yeah, I don't think you'd need to think any more than that, would you? For 50 kids?

And the older ones would look after the younger ones. Exactly.
The kids become their masters. Yeah, it becomes a sort of organism, really, after a while.

It becomes an organization, and I'm the CEO, the CFO. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the director.

They're in charge of HR. You've charmed me.
Thank you. And you've convinced me that it can be done.
So we do often have more time than we think. And,

you know, hold my hands up to this but we say we don't have time and then snarky colin would go how much time do you spend on instagram this week and you'd like if you totted it up it might be 10 hours yeah whatever it is

um

however

i think it's a little bit dogmatic

for instance i was about to leave the house

well this is the problem isn't it i was putting away my fiverride football bag

and i dropped it

And all the little, when you play football on 3G, you get those tiny little black rubber bits. So there were 750 little black rubber bits, and then they all fell on the floor.
Yeah.

And so then I had to get the hoover out.

And I had to make a decision. I'd say, either are the little black bits,

but I don't want that because of the cats and because of the kids, or I am, I've now missed my train

because getting the hoover out and hoovering it up and then putting it back will take I'm got that time. So there are times when you don't have time.
No.

interesting because

this is the price you pay for being handsome no when you don't leave margins forever and you're someone who's always committing errors

because this is the difference between you and me it's not that I don't drop my kit bag though I don't

but it's that if I do I've built in time

because I'm not leaving at the second it's the last second it's necessary So what are you doing?

So if I need to... What are you doing with that extra time then? If I need to get to the train at 18 minutes past, and it takes 15 minutes to drive there and two minutes to park.

Yeah, you leave at 18.01. No, I don't leave at 18.01.
I leave at...

Where did 18 come from? Okay, well, it's just... I leave at 10.2.

And then I sit in the station for 10 minutes reading. What a terrible life.
That's not

free of rush. Waste of a life.
But it's a mistake-free life. But I'm 50%.
For a life that's been defined by mistakes

the small mistakes don't happen it's just the enormous crushing ones

so what the the problem is and this is why this is unsolvable because jamie is jamie is saying if you leave yourself time everything is possible but for people who don't leave themselves time they go well i could didn't have time because i was in a rush Well, don't be in a rush.

But I've got, I'm filling my time with stuff. Yeah, but yeah, but you're filling your time with some stuff, which come back to what we talked about earlier, which could be left, e.g.
Instagram, e.g.

reading a long read about the Tour de France. 7.30 a.m.
I was recording a special about Alexander the Great. Yeah.

I know, I know you were. I know.
And then, yeah, I went on Instagram for two hours, but you know, I was still up at seven o'clock. It's true.
It's true.

I think the problem in imposing this in a certainly a household which is a marriage

is that you are punishing a certain type of brain.

And though I want that brain to be punished,

I have lived with that brain. And you can't punish someone for thinking differently to you

because it's not fair. Because you're basically saying you have to be like me.

If they were actually like me, be nowhere near me. Because I don't want to go out with me because I'm a nightmare.

Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah.

You 80% would be so great.

But also, these people who don't have time for putting the ironing board away for 14 seconds are the sort of people who will suddenly get it in their head that the loft needs cleaning and will do it because it's sort of that intense focus.

Yeah. I would never have cleaned the loft.

The worst. is when you think that you've got time to clean the loft.

You start,

you realize you haven't got time, and now it's way worse than it was. Well, this is what happened when I tried to clean the

soot off my wall above my radiator.

Because when you have a radiator in a room that can get humid, right, you get this thing called thermostatic something, thermostatic convection or something like that.

So you know those black streaks you get above radiators? Yeah, yeah.

It's basically dust that the radiator heats up. It then meets the water in the air and sticks sticks to the wall.

Okay, that's what it is. It's not smoke.
So I thought, right, I'll just give them a clean. But the problem is, as we discussed in last week's episode, when your room is aging,

you clean one area

and it now shows that the rest that didn't have stains on. That's brought into sharp focus.
It looks worse. Yeah, yeah.
So I then had to clean the entire wall, which takes an afternoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you've kind of,

it would have been better to leave the streaks there. Yeah, this was but then Ellis, I bought a a radiator cleaning wand.

It's the maddest, stupidest thing you've ever seen. It looks like something off the Muppets.
It's a long, furry, bright blue stick. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's about four foot long.

And when you close the plastic bit, it's the fur disappears. And then you pull it back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you're cleaning a radiator with it, which is the most laborious job, the problem is because you're using what looks like a children's toy, you can't can't stop laughing.

So I'm sat in

my bedroom because now it's been painted. I don't want the stains to come back.

So I've got to clean my radiator because that's the dust that's sticking to the walls.

So I've got like 52 tiny little

holes in the grills in the radiator to stick the thing through.

And it's so boring and so annoying and fiddly, but I can't stop laughing. Because it looks like I'm doing a show for children.
Yeah.

The amount of dust, if you want to shock yourself, go and check in your radiator grills when you get home. And it's all skin.
It's all skin and hair.

And you poke it down and a clump, like a handful, comes out of the bottom. You do that 52 times.
And you look below your radiator. And there's like a bag full of clump dust hair.
Yeah.

Skin. My daughter's a bunk bed and she uses the bottom bunk.
She's never on the top bunk. But the cat's livered up there.
And the other day, I just had a look.

The cat hair was crazy yeah it essentially is a cat yeah yeah there is a cat up there it just doesn't have a body yeah

anyway so i think there's something in there for you to take away listeners but i i don't think i can and this is me i think it's too cruel a punishment i unfortunately yes i think it is and i also i mean if i had to start a zoom call for three minutes by saying i am ellis and i am selfish and you would have to do that quite a lot yeah

um also that's that's, I mean, that is the longest job

in the list of examples. But I would have longer jobs.
I would suggest, Jamie, pointing your other half to the

Ohio technique, which we discussed. Only hold it once.
Oh, yeah. Don't touch it twice.
Every journey matters. Yeah.
We've been discussing this.

So, for example, the putting the tea bags in the bin, surely you can combine that with moving from the kettle to the milk. Yeah, and maybe singing a love song.
Yeah, and then it takes no seconds.

I've been trying to incorporate Daunt, Every Journey Matters.

It is quite boring, though.

Oh, it's not boring at all.

It's sensational.

Yeah.

It's great fun. I was just putting in a toilet roll tube and recycling the other day to make a journey matter.

I thought, God, I'm tired.

I came back from the shop yesterday, right? I've got ice creams in my back because I was feeling sad.

I know I've got to get them to the freezer and I'll scoop out the one that's got sort of scoopable now. I'll then put it in the freezer.
I know that's important.

So what I do, I'm key in, turn door close, rucksack round on my front like a French exchange student. Yeah.
Open the bag, toilet roll on the stairs, into the kitchen, scoop into bowl, freezer.

That is, that's good. That's good.
Because I know your house and I, that works. That's one journey.

Okay?

Yeah.

And then that frees me up for six hours in bed doing crosswords.

So there we go.

Right. We'll have to do Shane Well next week because that's more than enough.
But I did enjoy that. Oh, but the no's have it.
The no's have it. The no's have it.

Well, Ellis, tomorrow, you and I do battle with

the Indian cricket team.

It's you and me versus a nation of over a billion. I cannot think of anything worse than facing the Indian bowling attack.
Oh, I would make mince meat of them. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, you wouldn't. And that would be unfortunate because we're the only two batsmen representing the ICC World 11.
It's Ellis and John.

Wisdom are up in arms about it. Zoltzman doesn't know what to say.
Zoltzman, he's got no stats. Aggers is writing letters, actually.
He's not broad, he's writing letters to complain.

Yeah, Daggers thinks it's brought the game into disrepute. Charles Dagnell, yeah, he thinks the only person behind it is Phil Tufnell.

He thinks it's good for the game. But Ellis and I are going to the cricket tomorrow.

We're very excited about that. We'll be wearing our suits and ties.
Yes. I look like an absolute plum.

Yeah, my suit's quite dark, so...

Who do you think we'll be sat next to? Who's your dream dinner lunch guest at the cricket because we will be in the celeb zone

oh

may is often there i'm just saying that brian oh really yes jagger

what other may would it be teresa i suppose or james yeah james may is who i was thinking of yeah uh jagger might be there jagger might be there

major

yes i reckon i could i reckon john major would be quite approachable actually yes more approachable than mick jagger oh definitely.

Major has got more in touch with the common man. Greg James.
Greg, too handsome.

You don't want to be having a celeb lunch with a

you know, then you might be sat next to you know the chair of the Pakistan Cricket Board. Yes.
You don't be doing that in a high state of detency.

My dream would be

to my left it's Jimi Anderson being shy and lovable and stubbly and really hot, but not as hot as Greg James, so I don't get an erection. Okay.

Actually, scrap. No, it's scrap.
He's too handsome, Jimi Anderson. Stuart Broad is less sexual

than him. Yes.
And he was such good company. And you didn't get an erection.
Ah, did you? No. Well, no, not really.
No. Wasn't he bowling pork pies at Luke Littler?

He was catching pork pork pies that Luke Littler was throwing. Why did you demean him like that?

He thought it was good fun. And he said it made him feel nervous, but in a good way.
So I'll go Stuart Broad to the left and Theresa May to the right, actually. Yeah?

I'd like to get an insight into those years.

I'm trying to think of big celebrity cricket fans. Stephen Fry likes cricket.
Certainly does.

I'd like to talk to an ex-player. Maybe an 80s player, sort of grain gooch, something like David Gratting.
Gatting!

Gatting. I could talk to him about when he got the ball in the nose.
Yeah.

Anyway, we'll let you know who we get to sit with and we wish you a wonderful week. See you soon.
Bye-bye.

Hello, it's Ray Winstone. I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4.
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