#458 - Simon Davies’ Uncle, #CigsNotPigs and The Protective Wall of Human Community

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Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

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Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello everyone, the BBC has recently issued updated guidance stating that factual presenters must have the entirety of their social media history screened to confirm they have not previously expressed opinions that could find them committing the worst sin of public service broadcasting, disbalance.

This good idea that we agree with will ensure that the public peace of mind

will ensure the public peace of mind that no factual content they consume will have been created by people expressing that most dangerous of human failings, an opinion.

If you would like to read more, check out the BBC's recently published update, Bold Balance and the BBC: Better Broadcasting for a Britain, you can believe.

Unfortunately, there have been casualties.

During lockdown, Clive Myrie flagrantly espoused his opinion that in times of crisis, buying branded goods gave him a sense of comfort.

And after finding a tweet from the 13th of April 2020, in which Myrie posted an image of Asda shelves with the hashtag cut me and I Bleed Branston, he had to go.

Sophie Raworth is in hot water too, after a blue sky post emerged where she said she didn't like clubbing anymore.

These days, her idea of heaven was journaling in bed with a fresh notebook and a pilot G-Tech C4.

She managed to keep her job only after completing an online course about the unanimity of pens.

Those behind the camera have felt the full force of Tim Davies' new directive.

Controversial filmmaker Adam Curtis knew his days were numbered when he woke up to find a melted fab in his bed.

Initially concerned that he may have soiled in the night, Curtis soon realised that he was the recipient of Davies' preferred method of giving creatives the sack.

And all because a previously unreleased vine had mysteriously been emailed to the entire BBC documentary team.

The footage showed Curtis engaging in an unforgivable

footage showed Curtis engaging in an unforgivable act of political favouritism, capturing a moment where he gave Lembit Opic a rollo at a corporate event.

So where does this leave Ellis, John and Dave?

Well, Ellis is in the clear after getting a heads up and deleting over 5,000 tweets and Insta posts where he described Wales, Welsh football, the Welsh language and on two occasions, Magor services in a positive light.

He has also agreed to have a...

He has also agreed to have a tattoo removed that says, I stand with Sayat,

which he had done as part of an endorsement with the Spanish car giant for a hundred grand.

Since giving up alcohol, John has no opinions.

And after describing Queen as quote fine and the landscape of global politics as quote complex at a private dinner event with Tim Davey, the Director General was satisfied of his impartiality.

Dave, however, is on rockier ground.

as a quick scan through his Twitter feed sees repeated calls for the immediate release from prison of nine members of the Manchester-based drug syndicate.

The hashtags justice for Beza and SigsNot Pigs have put his involvement in any future factual programming in serious doubt.

For now, however, the trio remain, ready to broadcast without the rust of opinion tarnishing the shining blade of fact.

The problem is, whilst I agree with it, I do stand with Seyat.

You always have done.

Yeah, and

I had to change my I stand with Seat back to two into a big angel.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, so it's a big angel on a cliff looking over at the English channel.

Whereas you could have just changed it to I stand with seating.

Yeah.

Yeah, I should have done that.

Which is also like a little joke.

Yeah, because the angels you sit with seating, don't you?

And the angel took 20 hours and it really hurt.

But still.

That would be a good...

I mean, I hate to come up with another brilliant advertising idea.

You get loads of people queuing outside a gig, for example, Oasis.

And they go, is this venue seated?

And they go in, and there's like 10,000 seats.

And they all get to sit in a seat.

And watch the show.

No, it's not seated.

It's seated.

And they get to sit in the seats, which is the same as all other car brand seats, and enjoy the gig from the comfort or discomfort of a seat.

Like of the comedy gigs that happen from people's cars in lockdown.

Yes, and drive-ins in America in the 50s.

Drive-ins in America's in the 50s when teenagers would watch films in cars and snog.

But it's all seats.

Yeah.

And that's no better or worse than any other car brand, Dave.

No.

Because all cars are the same.

Well, they are.

I mean, there is actually an actual argument to go.

They pretty much are all the same these days.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, Dave.

That's a good idea.

No, the Oasis, that's mad.

The Oasis Heaton Park comparison.

With 100,000 Seats.

This would be unmanageable.

Imagine getting them out.

It's a tricky place to get over the best of time.

Yeah, yeah.

But yes, to bring back like drive-in, the drive-in cinema experience.

Got to be say.

It's one of my car brand.

It doesn't have to be.

It can be...

Alfa Romeo.

Alfa Romeo.

But it didn't work for comedy.

Though there were some pioneers who did do that, didn't you?

Remember in the first second lockdown?

Yeah.

Did you do any of those shows?

No, I didn't.

And people would sort of honk heckles.

Yeah.

I remember.

As far as I remember, I was busy pioneering online streaming gigs that worked after 45 minutes of feedback.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Sounded like a sort of Sonic Youth album.

Do you know that?

You know, there's a rumor that went round the circuit that we made like a million pounds.

Were you at the forefront of the stream?

I think we might have been the first.

I think

stand in Edinburgh, Glasgow did a very early one.

Oh, do you?

Yeah, but I think they were actually, I think the comics were going in and performing at the venue, maybe.

I can't remember.

But we were doing it from the house.

yeah.

And apart from 45 minutes of feedback, it went really well.

It went really well, and we only lost all of the money due to two currency conversion errors.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, do you remember?

Yeah.

Mad time.

Yeah, it was.

It was.

An odd time.

But I learned to love Seattle because of it.

So I'll always be glad.

Okay.

Come on.

There's a line as well, you know.

Yeah, of course.

And Daewoo.

Yes.

And they see Jeiku.

New one.

Yeah.

New one.

New Japanese brand.

So how are you all doodly doing?

How are your ding-lings?

My ding-a-ling's absolutely fine.

It's fine.

I would say it's all working according to plan.

That's good.

As far as it can be expected at this age.

Yes.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

How's your ding-a-ling?

I'm going to give it six out of ten.

Okay.

Where are you talking about?

I'm talking about the spiritual ding-a-ling.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

The ding-dong of the soul.

Dave, how's the ding-dong of your soul?

Not a Kia soul, Dave.

Yes.

No, I knew you didn't mean that.

Yeah, actually, funnily enough.

My ding-a-lings, ding-a-donging.

Good.

Yeah, it's absolutely fine.

Well, let's ring that spiritual bell and find out how

weeks have been apart from mine because I haven't done much apart from work.

I'm on my holidays tomorrow.

Dave's up on...

He's just blimming back from his holidays and he's off on his blimming holidays again.

Severa vibes in the area.

What's that mean?

Dunno.

Altavira.

Where's that?

Altivira.

Portugal.

Oh.

Going and then hot-footing it across to the other side of Faro for my dad's 70th.

They've rented a villa.

God bless them.

Class.

Financial advisor.

Not happy with that because it's taking money out of his pension.

Hang on.

He's done what?

He's just, he's spending a lot of his money.

And I was chatting to this financial advisor the day.

He's like, can you stop your dad spending so much money, please?

I was like, well, it's kind of his decision, in a way.

What do you mean he's spending it?

Well, she's got a private.

I don't want to go into the details too much, but he's got a private pension pot that he can withdraw from.

Yeah, but you can only withdraw 20%

tax-free, can't you?

Maybe he's going above and beyond.

I don't know.

You can't go above and beyond.

Can you not?

Well,

I don't think so.

You can't just withdraw all of your pension.

No, but

I don't know.

This is making a sentience sound like a right laugh.

All I know.

You can't take it with you, Dave.

Exactly.

I've not got too much against it.

You're aware that a percentage of everything you drink is your own.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So Portugal for 12 days, which I'm very excited about.

So I'm not here next week.

That would be good.

Who are we getting in, Dave?

Oh, we've got a couple of big O's.

Can we name the big O's?

Yeah.

So we've got...

Roy Orbison.

We've got...

Your friend of mine, Nish Kumar, next week.

Lovely stuff.

Good guy.

And someone who you're absolutely hammering at boggle, whatever it is that you're playing, Josie Long.

Oh, Lou.

Lou's not doing it.

No.

Why not?

She couldn't do it.

Yes, she can.

According to agents.

Oh, dear.

Well, Lou doesn't know that.

Really?

Yeah.

Lou thinks she's presenting the show with us, Don.

That's right, isn't it, Michael?

I did go back on that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They said, unfortunately, it's not going to work.

Can we get her in another week?

So what does Lou not know about?

So

yeah, you need to just make sure she doesn't turn up because then we are guest head.

But also, if she hasn't, if she does turn up, she hasn't turned up for something that she actually is doing.

That's my great fear, is that she turns up and does this show, but actually, she's maybe doing an advert for OxoCubes or something.

Dear, we're just recording the show, and as far as management and your agent are concerned, you're not available to present next week.

I have suggested you might be thinking you are.

So do get on to them, dear, because it doesn't feel like they're acting in your best interests.

I think it feels like they are.

It feels like she's doing something else that is probably paid more, Dave.

For bonus.

And it feels like it is like they are working in your best interest.

And if you do have a voiceover for Oxo or similar, Bovril, say at,

then that's fine.

And we won't take it personally, but probably best cancel.

I'm not taking it personally, but I'm assuming she's busy.

We're assuming you're busy, but

I thought you'd cancelled the wedding for it.

But anyway, it'll all come out in the wash.

Hello.

Cancelling a wedding to do this show?

No, who knows at this stage.

Either way, we're hot to trot, head to toe in guests.

So, Anish and Josie coming in the studio?

Are they down the old L?

Down the old aisle because they're from Edinburgh.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, wow.

One on the Friday will be in an owl mood with me.

Will she?

Because it'll be like 58 by then.

Yeah.

As John's talking about Boggle, by the way.

I am talking about Boggle, by the way.

So lots of fun to come.

Lots of fun to come.

And

I harvested my poppy seeds this morning in a horticultural sense to spread on some of the verges in my local area because it's a plan I've hatched.

That's what that's what I've done.

You've grown poppies.

Yeah.

Are you allowed to do that?

Just try and stop me.

I know it seems a mad thing to ask.

You like Lou Reed, Dave.

Dave, it feels like it's.

I like Lou Reed.

And people who like Lou Reed tend to act also like poppies.

Vigilante wildflower spreaders.

are they have you spread the poppy seeds to spell anything out

to pbc

no i'm going to spread them in some of the on some of the verges around where i do my runs and my walks oh yeah so that maybe keep going one of the best days

i will see a poppy and go you planted that you're kind of hansel and grettling it a bit aren't you you're planting them so you know how to get home no i know how to get home okay um

but i i've got a well, is it another idea to revolutionise Britain?

We waste a lot of time

mowing verges

and pointless bits of communal turf.

Yeah.

Why not just let them grow with wildflowers?

I think it looks shabby.

What?

Who are you?

Hyacinth bouquet?

It's better for the environment.

It's better for bees.

Yeah.

It is.

Mowing grass is terrible for the environment.

It looks that dead shabby.

Oh, you look shabby.

You look a mess.

Wildflowers, Ellis.

Instagram would disagree.

Still getting a lot of compliments on the old ground.

Well, imagine if they knew the cost to the planet that he was having.

Think of all of those like verges that you see

those guys mowing at an angle.

Thinking, why are you doing that?

Yeah, they're not leaving.

They're not enjoying themselves.

Stop it from looking shabby.

You

of all of the people who grew wildflowers in his car,

it looks like a baby.

You're the shabbiest person I know.

Oh, I know.

And your views are shabby.

God, who'd have thought we'd touch a nerve on wildflowers with John?

It's good for bees.

Bees are so important.

And if you get the right flowers, it doesn't have to look shabby.

It doesn't look shabby.

It doesn't look shabby.

Nature never looks shabby.

Human beings are shabby, Dave.

Yeah.

Nature can look shabby sometimes.

You're thick.

And you don't believe what you're saying.

I always know you don't believe that.

I'm trying to think of some shabby nature.

Well, it looks shabby if it's a bit of turf with dandelions growing through it every month and then they get mown and then they grow in the middle.

No, it wouldn't.

Dave, I'm leaving the show to work for a wildflower action group.

Although,

I have thoughts to myself.

I think I would like to work in a garden centre.

Yes.

I spend a lot of time in garden centers and I just always look at the people there.

They all always look so calm and relaxed.

There's never any aggro in a garden centre.

You're going to stroke the guinea pigs if you feel stressed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If it's that kind of place.

If it's that kind of place.

I just think, and you know, you know about flowers and soil and compost.

It must be quite nice to know that kind of stuff.

So that's my big plan.

John wants to retire.

I want to move on to working in a garden centre.

What and campaign for mowing more lawns?

I would then, I think,

revisit some opinions.

But as you said to me on the last podcast, you admire people who change their opinions and who changed their mind.

That's so good.

So I would look at the evidence.

Yes.

I just wouldn't want it to all be dandelions.

No, no, no.

Are you planting flowers on these verges?

Yeah, all sorts of different flowers.

Campanula.

Okay.

Poppies.

You know, there are others.

Daisies.

Daisies, yeah.

Chamomile.

Okay.

Hydrangeas.

Hydrangeas.

Well, then, yeah, yeah, they're not really a wildflower.

They're not.

But I suppose all wildflowers are wildflowers if they're growing on a verge.

Okay.

All right, then.

Fox gloves.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nettles.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's all part of a rich tapestry.

Yeah.

Right then, everyone, it's time for a made-up game.

It is time for a made-up game.

And the jingle was last week's, and it was a belter, and it was from Matthew.

So here is Matthew's Made-Up Games jingle.

Made-up games.

John Robinson

Davis Queen Master Men and all these surveys.

Bits of beach boys.

Bits of birds there.

And who will be the winner of today?

The Beatles-y at the end, would you say?

Yes, there's a lot going on.

There's another band and I cannot play sit and it's dropping.

A bit of REM.

Yeah,

like early REM.

Yeah.

Each week we play a made-up game that's been made up by the listeners.

Scores on the doors.

John's victory in What's That Wacky Package?

You've been smoking the wacky package last week.

Took John's lead.

Oh, Ellis, my love.

Two games to love in the second song.

So I have broken Ellis.

Yeah.

You've broken my serve.

Yeah.

Yeah, you haven't, you know.

I'm fine.

Still here,

still turning up.

It's very resilient.

Nice bulletproof.

Now, Dave, there is an extra microphone knocking around.

There is an extra chair.

What is going on?

We always know something is afoot when there is an extra microphone and an extra chair, obviously.

Yes, but I don't know what is afoot, and I also haven't agreed it, Dave.

Well, that's why we like surprises.

Is it Tom Hunt?

Is it a bigger boy?

It's not a bigger boy.

Is it a bigger boy come to beat me up, Dave?

No.

Is it Tyson Fury?

It's not Tyson Fury.

Is it Victor Hazel?

No, keep going.

Is Fiona Bruce?

Is it

Sue Barker?

It's not Barker.

Virginia Wade.

It's not Virginia Wade.

It's

the original Marlborough Man.

No.

Jane Asher.

It's not Jane Asher.

Shall I tell you?

Just to speed up the process.

He's my dentist.

This week's game comes from a very special guest guest who surprised who suggested a game to us a few weeks ago it's everyone's favorites adrian children

he's here you look so talented looking bronze adrian you're sick adrian

you're looking great

it's very rare that i swoon on the radio oh adrian

marlborough man yeah

and once i was in Wyoming filming and he agreed to do an interview on his ranch.

Really?

And we drove drove a million miles, about eight hours, all the way up to his ranch.

And then

he said he wouldn't do it.

No.

So I said, can I ride some horses then?

So

I rode a load of Western cowboy-type horses.

Can you ride horses?

I have ridden horses in my youth.

Because I used to ride British horses.

And when the instructions on the British horse is when you go.

But when you go whoa,

it means gently uh stop

on american horses whoa means emergency stop it was like the cartoons i went whoa and nearly went right over the handlebars wow whoa

wow well it's so nice to see you have you come over from broadcasting house i have yes i've i walked i walked 1.9 miles in 32 minutes

fair play

that's not bad not bad now a few months ago Adrian,

you suggested a game in our little two-way with you for for your show, didn't we?

What was the game that Sprung?

The game was guessing the heights,

lengths, widths, or weights

of everyday, mundane everyday objects.

Like the standardised versions of them.

Yeah, as much as we can have a standardised version of anything.

Absolutely.

And you called it how tall is it?

How tall is it, yeah.

Although we've,

as I said, we're doing we're doing mass as volume and lengths.

Okay.

you know so it's not just it's just not it's god it's like the invigilators in date it's like offsteader in uh so i'm gonna give a i i'm gonna hand it over to adrian child at this stage oh you've got it on the paper here actually

so make sure you keep that away from these two because they cheat no they won't

john will no i won't you read to my lips when i said fight club and then you thought of a lot of that was just using all available information That was cheating.

It simply wasn't cricket.

Can you stop the chat?

Please.

You could easily have named Brad Pitt Films without moving your lips.

Like a ventriloquist.

That's what I would have done in your position.

Yeah.

Adrian,

are you happy with the rounds?

Because basically it's closer to the pin each one.

Okay, okay.

There is an answer.

Yeah.

And we want you two to obviously get as close as you can.

Okay.

So there'll be a winner each round.

There's five rounds in total.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you need a pen or in it?

No, you're all right, aren't you?

I'll keep track of the score.

Get righted on this because they're a bit different to radio mics where

very directional, so stay nice and close to it.

Okay, I'm mixing up Imperial and Metric.

As is your right, Adrian.

As someone who has spammed both

in their professional career, I love Imperial, but it makes so little sense.

No, but I like an inch is more useful than a centimetre, I always think.

Yeah, we're agreed on that.

Can't argue with that.

I mean, yards and meters are much of a much discourse.

Yeah, I agree with that.

About 10%.

A foot.

Anyway.

A standard pint glass.

What?

Volume?

No.

In centimetres the height.

In centimetres the height.

Oh, we're standard pint glass.

To one decimal point.

Okay.

Is it the no-nick pint glass?

Is that what it's called?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to draw it for you, Dave.

John's going to draw it for me.

Thank you.

So the height of a standard pint glass in centimetres.

How are we getting on?

John, you're still drawing it.

And do we do all the answers at the end?

No, we'll go to each.

Then I'll pick who you want to go to first.

They should have both written them down so they shouldn't be influenced.

Who do you want to go to?

Okay.

Have you written them down?

Yes.

Yep.

Could I see yours, please, Ellis?

22 centimetres.

22 centimetres for Alice.

I'll type it in.

And John, the height of a standard pint glass.

17.5 centimetres.

17.5 centimetres.

Adrian, who takes the round?

The round goes to John.

It's 14.3 centimetres.

That's all.

14.3.

Yeah.

So what, about six inches?

Is that all?

What's about that, isn't it?

Round two.

I would have thought it was longer than bigger than that.

Yeah, they're a bit wider than you think, I imagine.

Round two, Adrian, take it away.

It's the length.

Sorry.

I'm disappointed with myself granted the length of the shaft

of a golf driver i mean what maximum the average length of a golf driver shaft

now there is a there is in centimeters it's i'd like this in inches please that's true no average is tricky it's average but there's quite a definite average and i mean there's a range

look let's see who's closer to.

Yeah, let's say.

There's a range of three-quarters of an inch.

So, I'm unless.

Why didn't you just say maximum legal length?

Because we're standardizing.

Because I make.

But that's not standard, is it?

Yes,

there is an average.

If you're going to be like this, I'm just not going to take that.

So there's a short window of 0.75 inches.

So neither of you are going to be in that.

So it's a case of just,

again, closest to the pin here.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Inches.

I've got

where does the shaft go from and to

from the top to the bottom.

I know, but does it take into account

the head of the club as well?

I suppose.

Is that counted as the shaft?

No.

Right, okay.

You don't.

I doesn't feel like you should have picked this.

This was Adrian and Adrian insisted on this.

Look, I just wanted to use the word shaft.

Just to like, we took it out.

Adrian, put it back.

Okay.

John,

how long is the shaft

of a driver?

40 inches.

40 inches from John?

36 inches.

The average

golf driver shaft is between 45 and 45.75 inches.

Okay.

2-0 to John.

He's running away with it here.

Al, come on.

Come on, man.

This one might be

a bit more of a common item here i think for the third

okay

what are you doing at the house three imagining a golf club it's too late it's got the width in millimeters

of a credit card

as in a long card number width yes

It's the golden ratio, isn't it?

What's that?

A credit card is the golden ratio.

What is the golden golden ratio?

I think it's Leonardo da Vinci's thing about maths.

Okay, that's where my facts run out.

Width in

millimetres.

I mean, if you want to go to one decimal place, you can as well.

Ellis, you go first.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

I'm holding a debit card

of a credit card.

145 millimeters.

Are you out of your mind?

Where do you educate?

No, God, no.

Sorry, no, no, no.

Sorry, you've got to take your first answer.

Okay, well, mistake.

No, no, come on.

Well, what will you explain your confusion?

I think it's about...

What is the innocent explanation for such an absurd answer?

I've just made a big mistake.

I'll just try to draw it.

I would try to draw centimetres.

Okay.

81 millimetres.

It is 85.6 millimetres.

How big are your credit cards?

I've got a big credit card.

I thought you were just.

Is it like a novelty check version of a credit card?

Sorry,

I think I tried to draw one, but I think my centimetres are wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did the same.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, why are you drawing it if you've drawn it too wide?

That's not what a credit card is.

That's a colour card.

No, no, I thought it was too small.

Remind you that.

It was under.

Dave, look at the credit card I drew.

Wow.

It's exactly the size.

That is.

Pass your credit card.

We can put that on the the carousel case.

I've sort of thought.

Mine's not far off.

I think centimetres are much.

It's tricky.

I reckon mine is a centimeter out.

It's just my.

I think what I think is a centimetre is much

smaller than it actually is.

Now, we move away from distance, don't we, Adrian?

And we move to weight.

Yes, we move to weight.

Round four.

John's one, by the way, but let's listen.

Imagine two snooker balls.

Full-size snooker balls.

Close to the mic age.

He's known for this.

Imagine it.

Is Mike and you brought it up?

Two snooker balls in your hand.

In the corner of your studio, I've managed to find something resembling a snooker ball.

I don't know.

They're from Help I sexed my boss.

You'd better get some anti-snooker.

Can you just cop those in your hands, Ellis?

These aren't the correct weight, but just get the feeling.

This is fantastic.

So can I hold them?

Are you going to let go?

Yeah, it's not the weight, though.

It's just the feel of the size.

That's roughly the size of them.

It's quite misleading.

Yeah.

It is misleading.

I feel like I've been misled.

I want you copying.

I just want you copying these.

These have been inside someone.

They've not.

These are the ends of a curtain rail.

So think about Dave.

A bulbous base.

If I've heard the podcast, it's disgusting.

The bulbous balls at the end of a curtain rail.

In grams, please.

In grams, two snookables.

Two snookables.

So not what you've just held.

Yep.

Hmm.

Two snookables.

Let's feel one of the natives.

I'm going to.

Lovely.

I'm clanking them together too.

There you go.

Yeah, they're lighter, aren't they?

Yeah, much lighter.

Okay.

So two snooker balls.

Yeah.

Okay.

So if I was your best.

And this is in grams.

Yeah.

Your answer, please, John.

Two snookables.

Ella's got an answer.

Has he written an answer, don't you?

Yeah.

Okay, who's going first?

I'm going to say 300 grams.

300 grams.

If it's any consolation, L, I'd be terrible.

I might be wrong, though.

Yeah.

And 90 grams.

That's ping pong balls you're thinking of.

The correct answer is actually 284 grams.

Oh, he's got an illness.

Yeah, he's too good at kissing weights as snooker balls.

I'd rather have this illness than thinking a credit card is 15 centimetres wide

and a snookable weighs 45 grams.

Oh, yeah, it's two as well.

He's ill.

He's got a robot mind.

He's finally had this illness into old age.

Yeah, it's good.

I don't trust him anymore.

He's AI.

Okay, there's two.

This is three questions here.

The first questions are just for fun, the first two, and you can shout them out.

Ellis looked at the page twice.

I can't read it from you.

I want you to imagine a football goal.

Here we go.

He's back.

He's not ill anymore.

Ellis is not going ill.

He's perked up.

What is the standard height in meters

of a football goal?

Just for fun, shout it out.

What do you think, Ellie?

So we can redeem yourself here.

In meters.

You can do the height, and then John can do the width.

So the height?

Is it 230?

I'm going to say 2.6.

Two meters.

It's 230.

There's no prizes for this though, but you are closer.

It's 2.44 meters.

So you, yes, and your guy's there by a centimetre.

The width is 2.6.

The width.

In meters.

In meters.

I did used to know this, actually.

It's the average height of a Victorian man times 3, from what I remember.

I'm going to say 5.3.

The width of a goal.

6.

To 7.3152 meters.

Wow, it's okay.

There's no points for either of those.

No.

Now,

you have all the information you need.

So write it down, please.

Standard height is 2.4384 meters.

Yep.

The standard width is 7.3152 meters.

Yeah.

So what is the diagonal length as you'd measure a television screen from bottom left to top right or indeed bottom right to top left?

Yeah, because quite simple.

You can use the Pythagorean theorem.

Yeah, can I use my calculator?

No, well, no.

No, that's not a problem.

You can't.

I think that'd be cheating.

You should be able to.

Okay.

This might take quite a while.

Will it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm just going to take a look at the future.

To represent the ticking of time.

You can have a guess.

Well, I haven't done much.

I mean, I did my math GCC in 1997.

I can't remember what to do this.

John's actually working it out again, just proving what a

prodigy he is.

You've got hard socks on, John.

Would you like to see my compression sock?

I haven't, Dave.

You haven't, no.

Would you like to see my compression sock, Ellis?

Ellis?

Pardon?

Would you like to see my compression sock?

Oh, yeah.

John, it does.

It looks

sort of eerily like skinny.

It does.

Yeah, John, look at Adrian's compression sock, please.

Oh, hello.

Yeah, it looks like an artificial limb.

We were talking about your compression sock on the last podcast.

Yeah.

All right, let's call an end to this nonsense.

What is the diagonal length of a football goal from bottom left to top right or from top right to bottom left?

I'm going to allow John more time to work it out.

No, I think I'm there.

10 meters.

I've gotten absolutely just given up on large.

Just given up.

I mean, so you're saying if it's just over 7 meters wide, then you acquired an extra 3 meters in length if you go diagonally.

What is the equation?

I can't remember.

A squared plus b squared equals c squared.

So

you have to find the square of

the height and the width.

Add them together.

That gives you the square of the diagonal.

So you need to then unsquare.

You need to root.

It's the root of the total of the two squares.

Yes, yes, that was it.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

So it sounds like you're going to be close then.

So with that, about 7.6.

That's very good.

That's very, very good.

It's 7.71 meters.

That's weird.

There's something wrong with him.

I don't like this because he should be in the circus.

And just for fun.

He should be in the circus as a freak.

The tiebreaker we don't need.

The diameter of a golf ball in millimeters.

Okay.

Do we mean diameter or circle?

Yes, diameter.

Diameter.

So that's the total, basically the width, isn't it?

The width, yeah.

Or indeed the height.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to go 36 millimeters.

What are you going to go, Ellis?

40 millimeters.

And the winner is Ellis with 42.67 millimetres.

Done, Ellis!

Well, I don't know.

It felt really nice at the end.

It's like, you know, when you play football as a kid, It's like when you're with consolation guy.

No, no, when you go last, you know, Archer's trying to get his guest to speak.

Sorry.

When I spend a long morning.

When the,

you know, when at school, when you're having a kickabout or at the garden when you're a kid, and then suddenly it's like the score can be whatever, and somebody goes, right, last goal, win.

Yeah, we still play that, and I'm 44.

Yeah.

328.

I feel good.

I feel I've got good brain health.

How did you remember that?

Because it's like, it's just one of it's like remembering your landline: a squared plus b squared equals c squared that's what's my land line well i don't remember your landline

no i do remember that yeah i want 267 i'm not going to give it away

impressive stuff john like pi r squared 3.14

what's pi r squared again that's radius oh yeah

no diameter oh god i can't remember no that's circumference yes is there a is there an n jingle

equals four surveillance no it just peters out yeah yeah we like that's well adrian it was an absolute joy to have you in the studio.

What other projects have you got on Adrian?

Maybe you can't talk about on your show.

Actually,

I'm making a documentary about Elgar.

Oh, yeah.

For Radio 4, yeah.

Ah, a man of surprises.

It was a surprise to me when I was asked.

Were you.

Do you usually mean Elgar, not Larger?

No, Ed Edward Elgar.

He said a beautiful thing.

He said, where does music come from?

Music is in the air all around us, and you just pick out what you want.

Bob Dylan playing.

Bob Dylan has a similar sort of thing.

Like if you're in a Tesco.

Bob Dylan has a similar theater about songs, that they all exist.

You just have to pluck them out.

I think you probably got that from Elgar, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything else?

You're writing any books?

Any more?

I'm supposed to be writing something, but I can't begin it.

Oh,

I've got a show on Radio 4 on Saturday mornings.

Saturday Live.

Oh, nice.

Starting in September.

Oh, great.

What regular weekly?

Oh, great.

Adrian, whatever you dream you can do or believe you can,

begin it.

Boldness has magic, genius, and power in it.

Begin it now.

Okay.

Just begin, the act of beginning.

Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.

Get that from a cereal bucket.

It's just an aphorism machine.

It's misattributed to

German philosopher

Nietzsche.

Gerd Morrow.

No.

Goethe.

Oh, yeah.

But it's actually from a Scottish mountaineer called William Aitchison Murray, talking about mountain climbing.

He stores it all.

It's weird.

He's a sponge.

Yeah.

Incredible.

The Santhus sponge.

I've had an idea.

There's something sad about Pythagoras.

No, it's cool.

I've had an idea for another made-up game.

Hit me up.

Oh, hello.

I'll have to talk to you separately.

Oh, lovely stuff.

We'll get you back.

Always welcome here as well.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

Thanks, Adrian.

Good to see you.

Thank you very much.

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So it's Cum Reconnection now.

Do you want an update from Lou?

I think we need an update from Lou.

I think we need to reflect a second.

Let's reflect a second.

Just for a second.

Can we all just reflect on this brilliant, brilliant mind?

Well,

I feel like a complete goon because I've forgotten all my maths lessons.

I think what you've done there is what most people are roughly...

In terms of skill sets, I don't think I really struggle kind of guessing just random heights and weights and weights.

I've done a weights game before.

Yeah.

Because occasionally, because I did so badly at the last one, when I weigh out my coffee, I weigh it and I think, oh, that's what that feels like.

But then anything above 18 grams, and I'm really struggling, and it all feels the same.

But snooker balls are heavier than you think.

Yes, that's true.

I mean, everything's heavier than you think.

Yes, that's true.

But they are, there is a, I mean, that's why they use them as an improvised weapon in prison.

Imagine if you tried to batter someone around the head with a 22 and a half gram ball in a sock.

It wouldn't even be annoying.

No, it would be flirting.

And what a man, though.

Thanks to Adrian for coming.

What a man.

I just can't believe you can remember all that equation.

Just needs to work on his mic technique.

Appalling.

Unbelievable.

Considering his entire career is based around radio.

For a man who was at the launch of Five Live, was he?

Yeah, yeah.

But you've seen him in his studio.

You've seen him on the CCTV, Dave.

You know how high the gain is.

It's got to be.

Feet are on the desk doing his doodles.

Like the boat that rocked.

Yeah.

He's like a cool DJ from the 60s.

Kind of him to come across, though.

Very kind.

Great.

And I do want my accurate drawing of the golden ratio of a credit card to feature on the camera, Dave.

That is, that is

sublime.

So John, on the corner of his A4 piece of paper, without measuring, has

diagrammed how wide he thinks a credit card is.

It's bang on.

It is absolutely bang on.

I've spent too long reading about East Germany.

I need to start reading maths books.

You need to start reading about credit card length.

And credit card length.

It is the golden ratio, of course.

We'll get it on the camera

to read

some.

I need to redo my maths GCSE.

Is there a feature in that?

Do you know what, Dave?

I'm not going to use my debit card.

Why?

Well, just because who knows what information you can get these days, but I will use

your Tesco club card.

I will use my club card.

It is eerily accurate, actually.

But I also don't want that.

God.

It's just

this country.

I'll use my BBC.

I'll use the BBC, which I think has been discontinued since last week.

Well, luckily, at the back, it's just the BBC values.

Which is nice.

And we can put that out, can't we?

With the BBC security number, can we not?

No.

But do the top.

Oh, here we go.

RAC membership?

No, someone will probably nick that and restart my car.

Because we don't live in a trustworthy, decent nation anymore.

Use my audio always, Pat.

That's what we're looking for, Dave.

Yes.

That is

brilliant.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

I want you to mention this at my funeral.

I want you to say, before I begin, I know a lot of you are upset, but John did want me to point out that from memory, he drew a very accurate shape of a credit card.

And now he's compost, because it's what he wanted.

Yes.

I think we could put this out as a press release for news agencies to pick it up as a story.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, also.

Because then they'll listen to the made-up game and they'll remember how a bad at guessing lengths and weights I am and how little I remember from my mouth GCSE.

Which is shocking.

He's taking pictures of the camera.

Good lad, he's learning.

Great.

Should we crack on

with...

Oh!

Has Lou responded yet, John, from the voice notes that you said.

Hang on, John, hang on.

Oh, God, and I accidentally sent that to the Small Willie Club.

It won't make any sense to them.

Oh, good lord.

Well, it never ends, does it, of course?

It's because the small Willie Club logo looks a lot like the Ellison John Group logo.

Does it?

Yeah.

From a distance.

Right.

Are we back?

Yes, we're back, of course.

And we've got a message from Lou.

One of them contains

commercially sensitive information about Lou's whereabouts.

So I'm not going to play that.

But she did include this.

Alice and I like Olivia Rodrigo and we can identify with very young women's songs about passing their driving test etc sorry John

okay I don't feel like we've got any further in whether she's coming on on Friday

but her and Alice do like songs about passing your driving test so her agent was right

yes and there was a change of plan but yeah her agent is right okay that's all right her agent is all right because I would hate to miss out on Lou because I love having Lou on the show.

You've got to have as much Lou in your life as you can get.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Great.

Shall we...

Alice, I do.

Oh, have you got it in you?

I'm not sure after the made-up game.

We don't usually do a cum reconnection afternoon.

It's difficult to connect.

Now he thinks I've got a brain disease and he's got a brain disease.

It's just our brain diseases are in different directions.

His is too sharp and mine is too blunt.

Yeah.

It's true.

I think we should try and come reconnect.

I think it's good.

This is good training to shake him up.

This is like doing Cymry Connect at Altitude.

Yeah.

In a bin bag.

In a bin bag.

So, a tense Welsh dad of two, a random caller from his homeland.

60 nerve-wracking seconds on the clock.

It's time to see if Ellis can connect with his fellow country folk.

It's time for Cymry Connection.

It's another Cymric.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

I tell you what will be a good made-up game.

It's things you learnt in school.

No, I think they'll be chilling.

No, but like the classics, like you know rivers

rivers capitals equations different uh different um curriculums though or curricula that's going to be an issue because we might not have learned the system well maths is the same you know maths has been the same for donkeys capitals are the same we never mean like we do the

you know

the great reform act

or the Chartists.

See, I could do that.

He could do that.

Anyway, John Frost.

Last week, Ellis was seconds away from securing the first ever Quint connection.

He failed to connect with Caller Kate via one of the 40 Rodries he knows.

So let's see if he could

see if he could start another magical run and secure that elusive Pfa.

First, an email.

Hi to the gnarliest young broadcasters around.

I'm in agreement with the efficiency advantage of age and school, but feel we can go one better and use the

with the use of the classic question, ASL.

Ah, it was an absolute staple of MSN generation.

What's ASL?

Age, sex, location.

I don't think we want to be this heartless.

Could I be so bold as to suggest an improvement that Ellis can use on the show?

S-A-U-J-L.

What's that?

School, age, university, current job, born, and current location.

I don't think we want to see Cymru Connection going down this path.

No, I disagree with, I mean, I agree with John because

it's not a science.

It's an art.

It's also, let's remember, a connection.

Yes.

And connecting with people matters.

And I am trying to do it in as natural a set of circumstances as possible, like I'm on the beach, like I'm on the sun lounger.

So, Benedict, we thank you for your suggestion, but this feature is propping up an entire nation's economy.

And if we lose this connection, if we lose the protective wall of human community,

we lose Wales.

yeah we lose ourselves yes and we abandon the angels of our better nature yeah yeah wow

Ellis has now attempted connections

Ellis has now attempted connections with Welsh callers 50 times is this our 50th is this our half century

his success rate sits sad about it Dave I mean yeah his success rate sits tantalizingly close to the 50% mark with 24 successful connections made.

Does this mean that in two weeks' time it's our year O'Cymory Connectiversary?

We must have missed it a couple of weeks.

Maybe we maybe missed it.

Why today is our Cymru Connectiversary, Dave?

Well, it is, and it's fine if it is.

Oh, but I feel dim because I can't remember equations from school.

I'm not in the right frame of mind.

Hang on, come on.

You've done better than that.

Come on.

You've come back from it.

Remember what that sports psychologist told you.

Yeah, you've come back from worse places.

Your brain hears everything you say.

Stupid PSU 96.

Exactly.

Yes, absolutely.

He'd use a Welsh example if there were one.

We've only ever been a one-penalty shootdown ever and we lost.

Yeah.

Really?

Playoffs.

Playoffs for...

Did Mark Hughes miss?

No, this was very recent.

It was in March 2024 to get to the Euros.

Dan James missed, but I don't blame him.

There we go.

His rate, therefore, currently stands at 49%.

Let's see if he can improve on that today.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James uh despite having questions provided for him by three listeners he's not got any with him he's not written any down yet

connection

aged school um Tuskegee 39 oh okay um

Philip Adams his brother works at the FAW no David Adams who works at the FAW no okay that's fine what do you do for living

I'm a teacher a where in Ealing in London okay where did you if you went to university where did you go southampton okay do you know my friend Little Francis Francis?

Uh, no.

Okay, that's fine.

Task Wood.

What primary school did you go to?

Uh, Hook, CP.

Hook?

A small village outside of Hembook.

Yes, I know where Hook is.

Uh, do you know Scott Milne from Pembroke Dock?

No.

Nathan Schearn.

Shark.

What?

He gave Nathan Lift to the tip on Boxing Day.

Okay.

Did you play football for Half Dwes of the Twelves?

No.

Okay.

Do you know Roger Cotter, who's to be chairman of Haftwest of the 12?

Mark DeLeon.

Simon Davis, the footballer.

No.

Ian Walsh, his uncle.

No.

Can I give a clue and go with hobbies?

Well, the time is now up.

I was thinking hobbies.

Ellis, you were actually naming people so fast you weren't giving the connectee a chance to respond.

What was the Christmas Day story?

Shark gave Nathan a lift to the tip on Boxing Day.

But he's he's always going on a bunny and I can't remember Shark's first name.

So I was trying to give his men, but he is from Africa.

I just thought of a couple.

Never mind.

Was he ever shopping Ockie Whites in Africa West?

I did, yeah.

Well, do you know Jeremy used to run Ockie Whites or Garrett?

Oh, it's Ockie

a long time ago, Ockie Whites.

No, don't remember the man around that now.

Ellis, you've been given the hint of hobbies.

And I like the idea of bringing that into it.

You've never asked people about their hobbies.

Not interested.

Yeah, of course I have.

are your what are your hobbies uh music mainly

martini henry rifles

no band from offered west never mind okay were you in a band or did you perform um i was i did a lot of um orchestral stuff in um

like command and share codigion so that's a bit of a clue

any venues

or sort of people that I played with that you might know.

39.

I think Ellis does have a brain disease, though.

Imagine if this is how I find orchestral, Keradigion.

Come on, Ellis.

Connect.

I am working on it, mate.

And I almost called you a medieval swear word then.

So just you watch it.

Call us squared plus Ellis squared equals connection squared.

I love you.

Just root the connection.

What instrument did you play?

A double bass.

Do you believe there's a connection, caller?

I'm sensing you do.

I believe so, yes.

Should I say it?

You don't know any of the boys in the Barry Horns.

Some of them are West Whaley and Matthew Red, for instance.

No.

They were from Pembrokeshire.

Or some of them are.

Well, I'm stumped.

I think you're going to have to put Ellis out of his misery here.

I think you mentioned before

on the show that you know Amelia Jones from Race Horses, Ray Luxemburg.

Oh, yes.

What have you played with him?

Yeah, I played with him in the

Three Counties Orchestra when I was back there.

Did you?

Yes, you're 39.

That's, of course.

See, Irig, I really, really do associate with

him with Aberist with.

Yeah, so it was because he was all of Keller Diggy and Pembroke Shire and Camarlanshire.

So

quite a lot of musicians from that David region I know.

I mean, as a ceremonial county, hasn't existed since 1996.

Yeah, yeah.

Any other connections, Corla?

Not that I know of, but

yeah, music, probably the best

musicians in West Wales, but that's the only one that I knew of.

Well, Ellis went down the alley of musicians in West Wales

and stamped the music.

I got dogged and got mugged.

It was an awful night.

And then the mugger let me go because I stank of dog mess.

Yeah.

So it's actually worked out in the end.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much for your call, and we hope Ellis will connect again soon.

Thank you.

Cheers, mate.

Good to speak to you.

Thanks very much.

Cheers.

Bye-bye.

Tra-rah.

Well,

this is the worst show of my life.

It's not great.

It is.

No, yeah, good.

You're agreeing.

Yeah, it's not great.

I've failed to remember basic maths equations

from 30 years ago, which he has just got in his mind, and I can't connect.

You and me have got two minutes to pep Ellis up.

Ellis, name 10 football grounds in the championship.

The racecourse, St.

Andrews,

the Riverside, Deep Dale, the Swansea.com Stadium.

How many is that?

Five.

I can't do any more money.

Yes, you can.

You can do this.

You've pepped him up with quite a a tricky challenge, not just roads.

There we go.

Who hasn't been pretty much?

What about the Rico?

Eh?

Rico Arena.

Norwich.

Yeah, I can't remember who's gone up and who's been down.

Well, Coventry didn't go up.

I'm pretty sure.

Okay, then the Rico.

There we go.

Three more.

The Hawthorns.

Yes.

Ashton Gate?

Yeah, Ashton Gate works.

Got an arm around the shoulder sometimes, Dave.

I don't think this is an arm around the shoulder, though.

This is just part one, Dave.

Come on.

The new den.

There we go.

Prime Ministers, 10.

Blair.

Yes.

Yes.

Major.

Yes.

Thatcher.

Yes.

Callahan.

Yes.

Wilson.

Yes.

Attlee.

Yes.

Churchill.

Yes.

Eden.

Yes.

Lloyd George.

There we go.

I love that he went backwards from Blair.

You don't get that with other people.

Honestly, think of it.

Other people feast

on the conservatives of the 2010s and 2020s dave not ellis not he goes backwards from blair it's so easy to forget pms from the last five years you're like oh yeah let's trust yeah yeah yeah

okay um

what else dave one more uh count to ten

not count to ten

that's die tree padorpimpwehr sitof now dig thank you do you remember being dad of the decade adwyth yeah way That was good.

That was good.

That was good.

That was good.

Have you got a new car yet?

No, that's going to

be good to.

I'm going to a dealership tomorrow.

Why didn't you tell me that?

I'm free tomorrow.

And I'm getting my bedroom painted.

I actually need to be out of the house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What dealership are you going to?

I don't want to give it away.

Write the brand on a piece of paper and show it to me.

This is why he's not taking you, John.

Write the brand on a piece of paper.

There's a pen.

And show it to me now.

I honestly.

Please.

I need to know.

I feel like I've been knocked over.

Yeah.

Knock me over with the brand of the dealership you're going to written down on a piece of paper.

Porsche.

Really?

Of course not.

Write it down.

John.

Be delicate with him.

Look at his face.

I've asked him to write a word on a bit of paper, Dave.

No, but he can't.

Of course he can.

He's not an old male.

He's a doldrum.

I've got a brain disease.

Haven't you noticed?

He's got a national insurance number.

He can write down a name on a bit of paper.

I can't remember my national insurance number, J something.

Ellis, are you telling me you can't remember the brand of the dealership you're going to tomorrow?

I'm concerned that that might be what we're dealing with here.

Oh,

no.

No.

No.

No.

I've said no.

I've said no.

Impossibly below it.

Why?

It's because

you're not that person.

He could be.

He can't be, Dave.

It can be.

If he drives that brand of car, this whole show falls apart.

The success of Brand Ellis and John.

Two British podcasts.

Do you think we get British podcast awards?

Have you turned up in one of them?

No.

I'm going to text Izzy saying no to that.

What else are we dealing with here?

Really?

No, you're used to going.

I'm just trying to keep you happy.

Yeah.

Well, now I'm sad, Dave.

So what are you going to do about it?

I think we just end it here.

Can't end like this.

It can, because I don't know if.

And it's rare I'd say this, because it's, to be fair, John, it is usually you.

But

I don't think Ellis has got much left in the tank.

Dave,

if he goes to that dealership and buys one of those cars, I don't think we're coming back to that.

That's just my tanker's full of gravel.

Honestly, today's been a bad day.

You do you, Ellis.

Run your own race, Dave.

listen to this mug no i can run

i can run i'm quite fast at running

and there's a video there is yeah and you're a very good video there's a video got a loving family

yeah and you're good at podcasts you are good at podcasts you make a lot of them

i need i need to redo my math gciss

today's been hard for me we could but we could pick some we could pick some questions couldn't we no i think kick him off he's down i I need to get taught first.

Yeah.

Yeah, we can get as taught.

I just as soon as I do my math.

I'm just betty to teach you.

You got a tutor.

Yeah.

Lila's got a tutor.

As soon as I did my maths GCC, I thought, great, I never have to think about this again.

So I've got a calculator on my watch because I was cool.

Right, everyone.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do.

We're going to have to rehabilitate Ellis somehow.

But I need to wee and vape, so it's got to go.

I don't know if we're back next week.

And if we're ever back.

back-bike,

you can ride a bike.

You can ride a bike.

And I know I'm not really good with heights, so no, I just say.

I often have nightmares in my shower that you get knocked off your bike.

Oh, so you're a week for them.

Well, sort of daymares.

They're not fantasies.

But that's a bad version of a fantasy.

Like an intrusive thought.

Okay.

All right, then.

Okay.

That would be rubbish.

Okay.

John's gone away from the mic.

I'm standing up because I'm sweating.

He's chilesing it.

It's time to go, I think.

Ellis is struggling, so we'll go.

But you both just need to say goodbye, of course.

Anyway, thank you very much for listening.

Broadly speaking, I'm very glad to be on air

and we're back next week.

Looking forward to it, actually.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's a new day.

It's a new dawn.

Yes.

Feeling fine.

It is.

Oh, fine.

Family's still there.

I can't be hurt by this.

I've got to go for a walk in Regents Park.

John's going for a walk in Regents Park.

Vote for us in the British Podcast Award listeners' choice, of course.

Else is struggling.

Do you want to take a picture of this?

We've already got a picture of him struggling.

Yeah, but this is even better.

He's gone lower in his chair now.

All right.

Bye, everyone.

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