#457 - Becoming Compost, Squire Dave and #SenseTheSoil

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BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello everyone and welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast.

And you'll be delighted to hear that before we started recording, Ellis and I and our videographer Izzy solved every problem in world politics.

Didn't we, Dave?

Yeah, it was incredible actually.

It was amazing how easy it is to do if you just get some decent heads on, some decent shoulders around a decent table and have have a bit of decent sex.

Yes, for God's sake, if everyone could just calm down

and try to find a workable solution.

And listen to me.

And listen to John.

Yes, and I listen to the Oval Office.

And I listen to you and Izzy listen to you and now it's all done.

Yes, because I'm like, you know how like Trump's a king baby?

Yeah.

That's what they say about him, that sort of figure.

What do you mean by that?

I've never heard that to him before.

I know he wants to be.

Like a baby that's a king.

Right.

Like a medieval sort of monarch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm like that but i'm right yeah yeah yeah so a lot of the

a lot of hit a lot of the downsides become upsides when the king baby is right

yes i suppose

i mean if yeah

i mean we're sort of it feels like we're rolling back hundreds of years of democracy by electing you britain's king baby that was what boris johnson wanted wasn't it to be world king yeah world king

very funny ambition

i wanted to work in my dad's office when i was six Didn't want to be king of the world.

Yeah, same here.

Did you want to work in your dad's office?

Yeah, he had a timber yard.

Yeah.

It was fantastic.

He had a timber yard in Rochdale.

Who wouldn't want to work in a timber yard in Rochdale?

Dad had a password to get into his office, and I thought I would know the password.

So I'll do that, please.

When I was six, I wanted to know where my dad's office was.

Oh, it's a good, it's a good, nice chat.

Nice ending to a chat.

Anyway.

Any humour.

Any humour.

It's a bit of fun.

It's a bit of fun.

It's a bit of humour, yeah.

It's not just John's laughing about it.

He is laughing.

I feel like I'm laughing.

But why?

What's behind the laugh?

I'm not sure.

I've realised that I've listened to the same chapter of Danny Champion of the World for 13 consecutive days before going to sleep.

Why?

Because it soothes me.

Oh, okay,

that's fine.

And I'm not knocking it.

But why didn't you skip ahead?

Because I don't like the chapter where he gets caned at school, because that's too sad.

And his dad gets angry, and then he stops his dad getting angry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I want his dad to beat the teacher up.

I don't like the chapter where the pheasants wake up, because that makes me sad.

Why?

Well, I guess I'm glad for the pheasants, but I'm worried that even...

I've also got a lot of dead pheasants in it.

I'm worried that even though they fly away, they might fly back to Hazel's wood.

Okay.

Because I want Victor Hazel to fail in all of his operations.

I've not read it since about 1990, so I don't remember

the significance of the pheasants.

I like the chapter where they're getting the raisins ready, going into the wood, and coming out of the wood.

Okay, because it's great dad-son bonding.

Yes, yes, gives him the day off school,

holds his hand when he's scared, calls him my love.

Oh,

it's great.

Who's it read by?

Well I've got the I took it read by AI.

My soothing AI.

Annie Dyer.

The new version is read by

Peter Sarafinovitz.

Oh yeah.

And I was initially skeptical because I've been trying to source all of the old tempo recordings of Roald Dahl from my youth.

I managed to source the tempo cassette, got it digitized by my friend, by Robin.

The lovely Robin digitised it for me.

But they've got Southwest accents, which I like.

But I've got to say, Serafinovitz delivers.

I once did stand-up with Peter Serafinovich.

I was comparing a night in East London, and he did a lot of impressions, and his impressions are jaw-droppingly good.

Like, it's

crazy how accurate they are.

What are the key ones he does?

And I'll do them.

There was a lot.

I seem to remember a a lot of Star Wars and Beatles as well.

Okay.

Got any of them in your locker?

Pew, pew.

That's it.

Girl in a spaceship, man.

We're going to fly to Alpha Ventura and shoot some robots.

Okay, next.

The Beatles.

Any one of them.

The thing about the Beatles was

we all just wrote songs and I played the drums.

Okay,

that's absolutely fantastic.

Ringo.

That's Ringo Star.

And I played the bass and I play guitar.

And I also played terrorists.

Yes, so how was everyone's weeks?

It was quite uneventful, but

my own week personally was uneventful.

I've really got into the pay-as-you-go car scene.

I won't name the brand because Dave got a bit funny about it.

So I have, thanks to Nisan, Learned to Love the Leaf.

I have Hyundai Ionikt.

How are you?

Yeah.

Interesting.

I have Toyota Yarist.

Oh, my goodness.

I have Vauxhall Corsair.

This is not how I envisage this working out.

Perfect.

He's trying them all out.

Via a service.

What, for when he retires and is an old lady, to be fair?

Sorry, that's very gendered, but it is true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Though Yaris's are getting bigger.

I mean, this happens in all car brands.

Of course, the small ones get bigger and bigger and then they introduce

bigger and bigger.

If as world baby king, was that the phrase?

Baby king, that's right.

Baby king that's right.

What you should actually do for climate change is get rid of, ban private car ownership and then everyone has to do pays your cars.

I read about that in a book about climate change.

So there you go, John.

So we should all learn to love the leaf.

What if there's no cars on your road?

Because everyone's using one.

There would just be lots of cars.

Well, there are lots of cars.

But there would be fewer cars.

Why?

Because most cars aren't being used.

Yeah.

You've got it.

He's got a point.

I'm not sure I like this.

Do you know?

I'm not sure I like this one bit.

What I want is what's going to happen, which is where your car will be driverless and you'll rent it out while you're not using it and it'll just drive around giving people lifts.

I mean, I say I want that.

It will mean mass unemployment for enormous swathes of the world.

Yes.

that seems to be the the where we're going also people who you don't know in your car when you're not in it how would you cope with that cameras soiling charge next question

automatic soiling charge because they've already scanned their their card when they get in

the car will sense the soil hashtag sense the soil on a soil sensor and it'll automatically debit it so it really and the car will probably be self-cleaning so it's better if this is like a robot with a disc pan and brush.

Yeah.

And then someone starts to soil themselves and

then the pan is where it needs to be.

Or just the seats double as toilets.

And it runs maybe on effluent

and waste.

Now that it's not a, I wouldn't say it's a pleasant driving experience, but fantastic for the environment.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

And then it will, the breast will go as fertilizer outside of the exhaust.

Do you just spray him.

Spraying slurry like the road.

Like a medieval town, like a medieval town, Dave.

Yeah, I think we need a new baby king.

Come on, action that, Dave.

He's the king, you need to action it.

Dave's courtier, Dave's my squire.

Yes, um, Dave, Ellis has had an uneventful week, but

someone has someone has not had an uneventful week, have they, Dave?

I would say it's that it's been the busiest week of my life, actually.

Well, we've got a couple of emails about your busy week, Dave.

Um,

firstly, this is from

Pete Knowles.

Hi Pete.

Hi Pete.

Knowles.

Love the name Pete Knowles.

Sounds like he volunteers at a rotary club.

Yeah.

Ori play for Chelsea in about 1970.

Dear Ellis and John, I had the extremely good fortune of securing an oasis ticket for their last Manchester gig this past Sunday.

I've been a fan of the band for 30 years, but never managed to see them first time around, so it really was a dream come true.

The big day arrived, and I got to the gig with hours to kill, full of nerves and excitement.

As I sat in a comfortable spot to await the first support act, I popped in my earbuds and fired up the most recent podcast of your show, only to learn that I would be sharing the hallowed grounds of Heaton Park with gorgeous producer Dave.

Hello.

I concluded, somewhat sadly, there was no way I would spot Cheadle Hume's finest in a crowd of 80,000 people, even with his massive fire hazard vibes in the area banner.

You probably couldn't take that into a football ground unless you had a fire safety certificate.

Right.

So, have you got one?

No.

Well, there you go.

Got it in, though.

Imagine my surprise then when I was returning for a post-cast peddle and heard an oddly familiar voice.

It couldn't be.

Could it?

I looked around, and they're standing by the hot crumble stand.

And nothing says Oasis like a hot crumble stand.

Crumble crumble.

I imagine so, yeah.

I don't know.

Clearly, hot crumble stand.

They had every stand, I listened to it.

Yeah,

very located for

the colour.

I looked around and there, standing by the hot crumble stand, and clearly three sheets to the wind, was an extremely handsome Delph.

And the D stands for Dave.

Clad in a full city kit and a bucket hat.

Full city kit.

Emblazoned with multiple prints of the word.

He was attempting to start a Poznan with a group of extremely confused Japanese tourists, but to no avail.

A creative license creeping in here.

I approached and he greeted me excitedly.

All right, kid, I mumbled.

All right, kid.

I mumbled something about being a huge fan of the show since the Radio X days.

Sound, sound.

He nodded before trying to convince me that the Aces song Masterplan had been written about his family and was originally called Masterman.

Then he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial level.

Listen, fella.

I don't suppose you got any spare pharmaceuticals, do you?

I tried smuggling some in, but there weren't no room up there out out apart from Efuer.

Do you know what I mean?

Slightly shocked, I distracted him by pointing out a man who looked vaguely like Pep Guardiola and made a swift getaway.

As I drifted towards the mellifluous strains of Richard Ashcroft, I wondered if the encounter had been real after all.

Maybe it wasn't Dave.

Maybe it was someone who just happened to look exactly like him.

Or maybe, definitely maybe, if you will, you really shouldn't meet your heroes.

That's from Pete Knowles in Timpolee.

How'd you plead, Dave?

How'd you plead, Dave?

Full city kit.

So have I met peace or not?

I can't wait.

Can't you remember, Dave?

Well, I know for a fact I didn't have a bucket hat with a T-word on it.

Did you have the socks on as well?

I didn't have an A City kit.

Oh, John, I did find, I found, and I wore it, an Oasis t-shirt that I thought I'd thrown away, which is when I went to see them on my birthday in 2001 at Manchester Apollo.

And it's still fitting it.

It was still baggy.

It were baggy.

It must have been sore baggy back then because it's still baggy now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw them on that tar.

The noise and confusion.

Yeah, after he'd got his teeth knocked out.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

And he dedicated a song to his teeth.

I mean, cardio.

Hi, Peter.

Yeah, I can't quite work out whether that whole thing was made up or whether I did actually meet Peter.

So, Dave, give us the first, the last, the everything about Oasis.

Oh, there's not too much.

There's not too much to say that everyone's not already said.

It's just...

What do you mean everyone?

Well, everyone that goes to Oasis comes away from the business.

They're the people's band, John.

Well, I've not listened to a single thing anyone said about it.

So it was very, very, very special because the amount amount of ingredients that go into something like that.

And with all of them legal

coursing through your veins.

So it's like 14 of our best mates who we all came around to our house beforehand.

We got a minibus.

The minibus works.

He said, Don't, I won't pick you up there.

I'm going to pick you up at best one supermarket 40 minutes afterwards, and it's, and we are out of there.

He was absolutely correct.

What?

He told me where to go.

So I said, we'll meet you at Sainsbury's.

He's like, you won't.

I've done this four times over the past five nights.

I know exactly where we need to meet afterwards.

Because because Eaton Park is a nightmare.

Oh, I see.

I went to see the Stone Roses at Heaton Park and it was a nightmare.

And it was a nightmare.

And in the end, everyone just walked back into town.

But it's like five miles.

Yeah, it's two five hours.

So we walked 40.

He was ready and waiting.

We whipped off and he stopped at McMackey D's on the way back and everything.

It was great.

This is a dream come to me.

It was great.

The whole day was perfect.

I think it's just because everyone feels very lucky to be there.

So there is just this energy in the park that makes everyone so happy.

There is zero trouble at an Oasis gig these days, which is back in 99, I imagine was quite rare.

Well, I went to the street.

Everyone was really happy.

The mid-90s and it was fun.

And then by the mid-2000s,

there was quite a lot of angro.

It was quite stress.

Well, I always remember the Trouble at Reading Festival was started by Man City fans, Dave.

Ah.

How do you know?

Because they're all wearing Man City tops when they set fire to all the toilets.

That's the game.

But I was looking at...

It's a Moncunian way

to keep warm.

I was looking at the

videos and initially my response of like people in the crowd is, this is just a big sort of karaoke day.

Why are you spending 300 quid doing that?

You're not even looking at the stage.

Like then backs to the stage.

But then I thought, well, actually, it's not about the band as much as the experience and being in a group.

I also think there's a thing about communal singing that is actually very special.

Well, I do.

Especially in those numbers.

I think they made a massive mistake in terms of the staging because they've got this huge screen that stops just above their heads.

So because it's projected, well, it's not projected, it's like a

massive TV screen.

It doesn't silhouette the band.

So they get lost in the sort of...

you know, the gubbins of the stage.

If that screen had gone down another eight foot, they would have stood out.

I know what you mean, but I think the exact opposite.

I think it was a masterstroke.

Those screens, I have never seen anything like it.

They were huge.

They've clearly gone to the organisers and gone, we don't just want the ordinary screens.

People have paid a lot of money.

We want to make sure that wherever they are, because it's a big old park,

they feel like they're close to the

right.

It makes them look very small, but what it means is you just feel so close to everything because it's almost like

panorama.

I'm not saying they're too the screens are too big.

I'm saying they don't go down far enough.

They should be bigger.

Oh, I see.

Because then the band are lit.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it was like you're looking at the screen.

I couldn't even see it.

I was like, why are people singing along at Oasis aren't even on stage?

And it's because they're below the level of the light on the screen.

I saw...

When I saw Rodders at Hyde Park,

she was so tiny.

From where I was, she was probably a centimeter tall.

So you're just watching the screens.

So you had a lovely time at Oasis, Dave.

I had a lovely time.

One of my friends had a little wobble at the beginning, had to be taken to the back of the park because she might have had one too many Spritzers.

Oh,

but then what a lovely moment where she gets her second win, three tracks in, and she's back.

Tactical Chanda.

I reckon, yeah, a little bit because

she loves Oasis, and it surprised me to hear she'd never seen them.

So she was very excited.

Some might say too excited.

Some might say, is that a sound?

I did a joke about Oasis.

I did think that was their first number one single.

It was their first number one single.

That's a good joke.

Thanks.

That works.

Yeah.

So her boyfriend took her off for a bit.

He wasn't happy because he was now missing the start of Oasis.

He was now going to miss effing in the bushes.

Yeah, I was going to say, you don't want to miss effing in the bushes.

You don't want to miss effing in the bushes.

And then she was back three tracks in.

After she chunded in the bushes.

And then we go again.

We do not let this slip.

It was good.

It's just, I think, also because everyone knows every single track, which I think is quite rare.

For everyone around you, for 80,000 people to know like the back of their hand every track for a two hour set is quite mad i was there i was his voice i don't know

no idea i don't know if he was there doesn't matter

i mean what just

i'm not but i don't i'm not being disparaging had someone just played 20 oasis tracks in a in heaton park and everyone had paid a tenor yeah would the experience have been 90% as good?

Oh no, because you know they're there.

Of course you know they're there.

Someone's told you this.

Someone told me Liam's just walks on stage.

And someone said he sounds quite good, doesn't he?

I said, I don't know.

I'm very pleased you had a lovely time.

Yeah, it was good.

I'm glad I did it.

Given that I think on this podcast about five years ago, I said, if they ever reform, it's not for me.

Thanks.

I think I've outgrown it on some of the things.

Yeah, that's a little bit.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Are you going?

I had a ticket.

for one of the September gigs, but it clashes with one of our tour shows.

So I need to sort something out because I'm desperate to see them.

I really wanted to to see them in Cardiff, but that clashed with Wales playing at the Euros.

Yeah,

obviously, I couldn't go to Manchester because Izzy's filming a sitcom about basketball for CBBC in Yorkshire.

So, they're playing Wembley in August.

I might try and wangle something or end up spending a lot of money.

But everyone I know who's been says it's like the best gig they've ever seen.

Yeah, it's good.

So, I need to do this.

Very good.

Well, we wish you well, Ellis, on your attempt to get get tickets for Oasis.

You wouldn't want to use this podcast to secure Ellis tickets in the way we have used it to reverse a decision on a business bank account.

That went right to the top.

It went right to the top.

And we'd like to thank the CEO Ulistons because they really did us a favor.

Thank you.

Right.

Okay.

In defense of Collins.

No,

John wins again, you fanny.

Did you not hear my order earlier?

I'm baby king.

Yeah, sorry.

But I'm right.

We mustn't actually let John think he's the baby king.

No.

Because it would make a show that's already cricking untenable.

Yeah, we need to nip this in the bud.

We need to nip it in the bud.

Absolutely.

You're not a king, and you're not a baby.

But I am right.

You are right.

And you do win.

And I do win.

You do I.

You do your tease, Dave.

Thanks.

All right, then, John wins again.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

Wins again.

Okay, has he won or has he lost?

We We should do a little thing at the start, Dave, where you have to guess from my demeanor so far today whether you think it's been net win or net loss.

We lose every week.

He's warmed up.

Yeah.

If you'd asked me two minutes before we started recording, I'd have assumed that this was, I don't know, another grief week.

Well,

every week.

He's warmed up everywhere.

Every week's a grief week on Ellis and John.

But he's warmed warmed up a bit now, so I'm going to see a tentative 6-4.

Ooh, Ellis has got 6-4, Dave.

I like this.

Well, and this might be in your John wins again.

I know why he's a bit sad, because he ate a cake he didn't like before we got it.

That's not true.

I gave it 7 out of 10.

You did in the end.

And that's not enough.

I'm now the official cake taster for the cafe down below, because every time there's a new one, I get excited and they save it for me.

Yeah, but the barista came over and said, this one's great.

You're going to love it.

You're going to love it.

You're going to love it.

John had one by and just put his thumb down.

Like Caesar.

And I said to her, I said, Imagine if Gladiator people

tasting cakes.

But I said to her, and she will learn a lesson: never tell John something is going to be good because immediately John will not like it.

You can't recommend him a bunch.

Never recommend John a bunch.

I gave it a very fair review.

It was a Biscoff cheesecake.

I like Biscoff.

Yes, so do I like cheesecake?

I like cheesecake, but the cheesecake was too much like they obviously added some kind of

gelatin style.

Yeah.

So it's just a bit soft and smooth.

It wasn't, it wasn't cheesy like a cheesecake.

Yeah, it wasn't dry.

I'm not going to say good.

Yeah.

But I am going to say I think you'd be effective on Biscoff.

Anyway, John wins again.

And I and I did give the cheesecake seven out of ten.

Okay.

Um, well,

we start with a downer.

Okay.

It's my my bloody trouser hook and bar.

What's that?

Does that mean?

The fastening on my trousers has gone again.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Are they good trousers?

They're great trousers.

I'm wearing them now.

Is it our brand?

What do you mean, is it our brand?

Well, the brand that we both like in the trouser department.

Oh, no, no.

Well, Dave,

they don't have a fastening.

They do?

No, they don't.

Well, it's...

No, they've got a patented banding system, Dave, which avoids the problems

of a hook and bar.

Yes.

The hook and bar keeps breaking.

I only ever wear hook and bar trousers if I'm going to a wedding.

Well, exactly.

And they put them on a fashion trouser.

They went.

I took them to the menders.

They mended them.

They've now gone again.

Are they too

tight?

They're not too tight.

It's just hook and bar is not good for frequent use.

Yeah.

And it's part of a broader gripe about a drop in quality of button sewing on clothes and bed sheets and duvet covers and fastenings in general.

I have a duvet cover, every single button has come off.

I know, I know.

It's unacceptable.

You have to take them to the menders.

Yeah, I just contacted the UN.

Oh, well done.

But they've got so many things to do with.

So that's a downer, Dave.

Have you put it in the column?

Hook and bar problems, brackets, trousers.

Yes, new series of Love on the Spectrum.

Hey!

Hey-oh!

It was a belter.

And Danny.

it.

Danny cried a lot.

Oh,

poor Danny.

When will Danny find someone who will have sex with her?

She is absolutely desperate.

Oh, man.

It's so good.

It is so good.

I've never seen it.

You've never seen Love on the Spectre.

Mate.

Just streaming brackets, general dreams.

Streaming general.

Start with.

Well, I think there's three seasons of America and two seasons of Australia or vice versa.

So it's not too much and you can binge them.

You can gobble them up.

How long are the episodes?

You are.

How long are the episodes?

40, like 46 minutes.

Nice length.

Oh, and we held hands in the rain.

They kissed.

He had his first kiss under an umbrella in the rain, Dave.

I can't bear it.

And he's called his mum's building him like a...

An annex just for him, and he's calling it the Falcon's Perch.

Dave, it's too sweet.

I think it's the Falcon's Perch or the Hawk's Perch.

Anyway, after beating Josie Long 140 in boggle, which she absolutely loathes, we've started a new first to 100 game, and I'm 13-4 up, which she absolutely loathes.

She stayed at my house a few weeks ago, and he said, Do tell John that I've got a lot of stuff on.

I've got two kids.

It's affecting my boggle scores.

This isn't a true reflection of me.

And I said, I can tell him, but he doesn't care.

Yeah.

He just wants to win, Joe C.

I have a question.

Yes, Dave.

Why is she gone again?

Why has she not let this slip?

Because she was so low about the 140.

Yeah, but that's a ratio of 10 wins to every four, Dave.

You can do maths.

That she wanted to go again to prove herself, and it's actually proving her undoing.

And I get

lots of insults and capital letters, which really make me laugh.

The ratio is actually worse, second time.

It is worse, yeah.

This is like when I returned to my squash game, I went in too high.

I was playing people that were in Cheshire leagues and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I understood for me to enjoy this more, I had to come down a couple of notches.

You've got to find your level.

I've now gone too low, playing George Lewis quite a lot, the comedian.

Yeah, but

absolutely battering.

You're battering it.

You're playing George Lewis at squash.

Yeah.

We play once a month.

We have a catch-up.

Okay.

I met running YouTubers Ben Parks and Sarah Place, and we did a park run together.

And Ben agreed to come on the show to give me marathon tips and he gave me two caps and two tops oh lovely it was a great three

gratis whoa

you're gonna be very and do they fit yes well then you could be thrilled to bits

absolutely thrilled to bits i'm teamed to be

ben's marathon gifts yes

and his company and Sarah's company and we did a park run together and Ben agreed to come on the show.

Oh nice.

Yes.

I showed the video of me

winning the school dad's race at my daughter's sports day the other day to my friend Baz.

And now

he wants to race against me in six weeks' time for charity.

So that's now what I do.

I now race against middle-aged men for charity.

Did you ever race Mike Bubbins on your other podcast?

That's the datas TBC in January.

But yes.

I mean, I'm up for it.

I'll race anyone.

With a recent, I mean, you know, that's actually Powell.

You and me and Ben Parks can do a park run together.

I'm very bad when it's after 60 meters.

Right.

I'm a sprinter.

I'm all fast Twitch.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just to track back, George is a decent player.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm enjoying myself.

Oh, come on, Dave.

No, no, he's getting there, and it's fun.

You're battering him, Dave.

Yeah, and it was, you know, it was nip and tuck between me and Ben.

He kept up with me for the first 2K.

My shoelaces came undone.

I stopped to tie them up.

He ran to the front of the park run and got into first place.

Took a wrong turn at the end and came fifth, but was in the lead.

He's in the lead.

Yeah, after 2k of being at my pace, just went.

What is his sort of best 5k time out of curiosity?

Oh, I don't.

I could find out.

He's definitely sub-20ing, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Easy.

Okay.

Hmm.

Here we go.

Friend of the Podoni McGrath did it in 21 minutes the other day.

Really?

I did a 1920 on for it.

Oh, well done.

Yeah, I tend to stick to 60 meters because I'm all fast Twitch.

Yeah, I'm all fast Twitch actually

You're on a website John yeah I'm on a website 1719

in a park run as well that's probably quite hilly yeah yeah yeah that's dead dead fast that's incredible

that's dead fast in too

dead fast

it's 3-1 at the minute oh gee jeeper weepers it's three Jeeper Weepers.

You loot.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, I got my columns wrong.

Why?

Because

I've put the losses in the wins and

turn that into a tick and that into a cross.

Yeah.

That'll look really good.

It won't look good on the camera.

Yeah, it won't look as good on the camera.

You can copy it out in best for the carrot, Dave.

That's a phrase I've not heard for 30 years.

Copy out in best, for God's sake.

Okay, I went to see John Richardson for the first time in years, and we had some great chats and a pizza damn.

We had a lovely time.

Is he enjoying his radio show?

Did you ask him?

Yes, he's enjoying absolute talking about the intimate relationship with the listeners, Dave.

It's very immediate, isn't it, radio?

It's very immediate, isn't it?

Yeah, radio elements.

Absolutely so.

Yes.

I went to see the lovely Robin play a gig, and I was very proud.

Oh,

I couldn't go to that because my mum was staying with us.

So I'm obviously.

Surely that's the ideal opportunity to go because you've got childcare.

No, but I wanted to to spend time with my mum.

Sorry.

10k PB.

Chalk it up.

Hold on.

I'm going to have to fight out longhand.

Lovely Robins gig.

And was very proud.

V proud.

I'll just do V to say so.

Okay, yeah, V proud.

VP.

No, I've started now.

V proud.

Oh, look, I'm going to be vice president.

Yeah.

10k PB.

10k PB.

What is it?

59.04.

Goodness me.

Uphill.

Goodness me.

New headphones.

I waited.

I waited.

I waited.

I tracked.

I compared.

I alerted.

When they reduced, bang!

I pounced.

Great.

And finished the second draft of my book, which has been something of

an emotional drain.

Oh, well, good.

I mean, bad.

I mean, bad.

No, that's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

Second draft of book.

Yes, Dave.

Great.

I mean, you've only got one loss at at the minute, John.

Well, I'm afraid, Dave, this counts for five losses, and it happened at 6.30am this morning.

Oh.

I didn't get today's wordle.

Whoa.

I didn't get it at all.

I didn't get it at all.

I lost my streak.

Oh.

What?

Do you know what the word was?

Yes, I know what the word was.

And was it a tricky word?

Yes, it was a tricky word.

Okay, so...

Not just a tricky word.

A word you never heard before.

No, a word.

I had worked out all the words it it could be after my second guess.

I wrote them all down, apart from this one, which I said it's never going to be that word, so you're not going to write it down.

Why did you say that then?

Because I just...

I know.

I know Wordle's vibe.

Yeah, yeah.

And I thought this word is too British if it means what I think it means, but I think it might be...

What was it?

Pie and Mash.

It was gopher.

spelt G-O-F-E-R.

As in someone who goes for something.

Yeah, which I thought is like slinger from the center.

It's a British term.

Yeah.

They used to say that in the...

That's like an office term.

Yeah, like go for this, go for that.

Person who runs errands.

And it's 1960s.

Yeah, my charge, Steve.

The idea that that would be in an American wordle.

I could not believe it.

It wasn't boxer.

It wasn't Joker.

I eliminated with Wimpy.

It wasn't Moa.

It wasn't Power.

It wasn't poker.

It wasn't cover.

No, it's none of them.

It's gopher.

It was Gopher, Dave.

Wordle.

The average on the New York Times Wordle app.

That's like five, isn't it?

5.5.

Most people did not get this word today

worldwide.

Who didn't work in British offices in the 60s?

Anyway.

Okay, so it's currently one, two, three, four, five, six.

It's 6-2 at the minute.

I'll take it.

I'll take that.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Wooses.

Okay.

I got an attitude of gratitude.

I'd take that if I were you and run to the Blooming Hills, John.

I'm going to run to the hills, Dave, in a record time.

With the YouTube running influencers, Dave.

You keep talking about these YouTube running influencers.

Is that Dave?

Who's that?

Ben Ben.

That's Ben, right, yeah.

And Sarah Pace.

Yes, got it.

It's an assumption she's not called Sarah Run, isn't it?

Well, Sarah Pace.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, no, because it would have been Parks Run if they got married and did double-barreled names.

Yeah, yeah.

There we go.

Ben Park's Run.

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Do you want to hear about a quick anxiety dream that came to life in reality last night?

I was DJing at Truck Fest

last night after block party.

I went to Truck Fest.

And I got side of stage.

I was on at half 10.

And I said, are we all ready?

He went, yeah, we're ready.

And they've teased me, going, Dave Masterman from All My Friends is up in two tracks time.

And everyone goes, Woo!

Not one really did that.

They're just cheering because they like the music.

And I go on stage with my CD in hand.

I went through the group with my CD in hand.

It's going, you're going to play all the tracks.

No, no, I put my CD wallet.

It's now 16.

Because I play off CDs, John.

I won't apologise.

Traditional in a weird sense.

I enjoy the process.

Yeah.

Put more there, but I came on stage with the one that I wanted to start with.

Yeah.

Corner shot, Brimful of Asher, obviously.

That goes down.

What a tune.

They were a great

tune.

You don't like Brimful of Ash Air.

That's you might not like the Fuck by Slim remix.

Yes, because the original was much slower.

Very true.

Anyway, go on stage.

Oxford vibes in the era, etc.

Did you keep shouting that?

Yeah, I did.

I walked off stage.

I shouted Oxford really well.

Throwing their mortar boards in the air.

Oxford vibes in the area.

I go to put the CD in, in, and the DJ who was on before me goes, What are you doing?

And I went, I'm here to, well, I'm here.

I've got my CD.

I'm here to bring the vibes to the area.

First and foremost, I'm here to bring the vibes to the area.

Tick.

Yep.

Already done.

Block party have finished.

Everyone's in a good mood.

He goes, Oh, the CDJs don't take CDs.

Oh, what do you mean?

The CDJs don't take CDs anymore.

What does that mean?

It means you can't, there's nowhere to put your CDs, John.

So why are they calling it a CDJ?

Great question.

Also, by the way, well-run festival.

Lovely buns.

Shutting the door after the CDJ has bolted.

By the way, fantastic.

Yeah, fantastic.

They cannot do enough for you.

They cannot do enough for you.

Apart from provide the one thing you need.

And I did ask, I was pretty specific.

I put in brackets, CDJ, to play CDs and USB sticks because I'm aware that there is this newfangled technology.

Dave.

All I've got is CDs.

I'm due to play for two and a half hours.

Anna's left you.

She may as well have done.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow.

It was a big undertaking for me to get to Oxford to bring the vibes in the area last night.

So I'm now, I've been introduced on stage.

I've already said Oxford vibes in the area, which is quite a ballsy start.

I know.

And people are waiting for the vibes to begin.

People are waiting for the vibes and they're on this first CD and lots of other CDs down there.

There is nowhere to play CDs.

You haven't checked this before.

Yeah, John, I just talked about that.

He sent an email saying I need to play CDs.

But you didn't check it with your eyes.

Well, no, I said to the sound engineer, by the way, I'm going to start with this CD.

And he went, great, go for it.

So he thought they took CDs as well.

Oh, Lord.

So then I just walked off South Ways.

Walks off stage.

Didn't come back on for 25 minutes.

No.

Because I've got nothing to play.

So you said Oxford vibes in the area and then walks off stage for 25 minutes.

I said, this is history.

Oxford vibes in the area.

Walks off stage.

The DJ who had been playing for six and a half hours luckily just loves it he's like I'll carry on I went you're gonna have to mate because I can't play anything I've got my phone but that's got like a 40th birthday bash playlist you would have looked like bez

you can't do anything apart from bring the vibes so you didn't have a USB stick I know because the plan that wasn't a platform

no John and just had C D's and someone did say I've got this USB stick that has loads on and I said that's not my process oh wow that's not my process John oh my gosh it's too stressful I don't know where, I don't know, I don't know how to find my way through a USB stick.

I know how to get through my CDs.

I know where the fratellis are.

I know where the Twilights.

This is horrible.

Bless him to travel back in time, 10 years.

You can buy a CDs.

So I stood side of stage with my arms folded for a bit.

Oh, Dave.

This is why you need the dad off Danny Champion of the world.

He just held your hung.

He doesn't need pheasants, John.

I need CDJs.

CDJs.

At this point, and the DJ, trying to be helpful, but was almost kind of of exacerbating the problem between every track, said, Dave from all my friends will be here shortly.

Because the vibes are still in the area.

And it is still histor, but he's trying not to cry at the minute.

So I don't get

it takes a lot to get me kind of annoyed in front of other people.

You know, you get annoyed in your own time.

You come out of your funk.

You come out of your funk.

Yeah, just like me.

You keep up appearances.

And I learnt from the best, John Robbins.

But I got, I was like, this was, I made it pretty clear, guys.

And I now, and now everything starts to go through your head.

Like, I've come all the way from Stockport the day before my holiday.

I've left Hannah packing.

Colo can't stop weeing on everything in the minute, so he's weed on all the packing stuff.

That's another story.

Oh, no.

And it just.

How old is Colo?

Isn't my cat?

11.

Hannah took him to the vet this morning.

He's stressed, essentially.

I bet he is.

He thought you could play CDs on a CDG.

And then bless Tom, the sound engineer, the panic in his eyes.

He legs it off, comes back with nothing.

I went, you're right, Tom.

He went, yeah, can't find any.

I go, go again, Tom.

You can.

You can do this.

Tom's legging it around the other stages to find CDJs that play CDs.

They should just call them J's if

they're not going to take CDs.

I don't know what the J stands for, actually.

The CDJs.

Well, it's jockey, isn't it?

Yes.

Just call them jockeys.

Compacts.

Call them USB Js.

Call them horse jockeys.

USB J's.

Call them USB J's and stop the confusion.

He comes back with two flight cases.

I've got some CDJs.

And he plugs them in.

Bit of faff back and forth because the right one didn't work.

So I was just off one for a while.

You've got to inject it and then put the next one in and press play.

Well, that is Killy John.

I've got my catchphrase.

Which is on seven lives in the area.

So that fills a bit of time and people love it the 10th time.

Oh, Dave.

People cannot get enough of the phrase.

I bet you, what you would have given for a bit of Ellis and John banter in between changing the CDs?

It would have really helped.

Anyway, the crowd stuck with me.

I got the second CDJ.

Tom pulled a blinder.

The crowd loved it.

Teenage dirt bag by Weezer went off.

And I was there till 1 a.m.

Bluminik.

And what time are you meant to be there till?

1am.

Okay.

Yeah.

Great, great, great.

So good stuff.

So

did you ever do stand-up where you would turn up and there wasn't a mic?

Yes.

Yeah.

It's absolutely.

And you think to yourself, it's just one, the one thing you needed to do is sort out a mic.

I don't even need a mic stand.

I'd like one.

Yeah, but I don't need one.

I don't need one, But I do need a mic stand.

Dude, a mic.

And a light.

Yeah.

Light on your face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Very good.

Well, I'm sorry you're in such a stress, Dave.

I didn't need it.

But it was sick.

But it was fun in the end.

Good festival.

Well, let's all calm down with a lovely chat with Adrian.

Ellis and John join us.

Was it Zurich?

You were watching the Welsh, Ellis.

I was flying into Zurich.

The first game was in Lucerne, which was fantastic.

And then I went to the third game in St Gallen.

So I spent time in Zurich, but I didn't see a game there.

It was a fabulous tournament.

I loved it.

I've watched a lot of the games, and it's been great.

And

how have you been, John?

Did you watch the golf?

I thought of you when I had Scotty Scheffler before the tournament.

It's kind of saying, what's the point?

Oh, amazing.

What's the point in any other one of the

point, John?

Well, I don't think he's saying what's the point in anything.

I think he's saying what matters.

Yeah.

And I think if you are at the apps.

No, but I'm asking you what's the point.

That's the point.

Anyway, yes.

Well, that's the wrong question.

Okay.

When the Buddha's disciples came to him asking what's the meaning of life, he just held up a flower.

Right.

That's annoying.

Well,

what's the meaning of a flower?

Was the point he was making.

What does it mean?

Does it mean anything?

I'm not asking you about flowers, mate.

I want to know about the meaning of life.

Help me out.

I'm at a low ebb.

To accept.

That's the meaning of life.

To accept.

Adrian.

John does a lot of thinking.

So beware.

Because if you ask a simple, light-hearted question,

you'll get a deep answer.

I remember he read.

It wasn't a simple, light-hearted question.

His question is, what's the point of it all?

I know, no, but you know, I think if Adrian asked me, I'd have said, I don't know, chips.

Yeah, you'd have said chips, and I'd have said accept and let go.

Yeah.

Which is what I say.

Yeah.

Breathe.

The breath is the answer, Adrian.

Return to the anchor.

Yeah.

Not the pub in Thornbury.

Are you both wearing shorts for summer?

I mean,

right now.

Can you see?

I'm not in shorts today, but I debated it in my room on my own before I left.

I am.

I like wearing shorts.

So I do, but unfortunately, I have to wear a compression sock.

Extremely tight it is on my lower left leg

at all times because I've got chronic sort of vascular issues.

Could you not wear one on each leg just so they match?

Funnily enough,

you know what?

I've been wearing them for 20 years, and that's never actually occurred to me.

I suppose I could do it.

The problem is they're mainly in this horrible sort of peering beige colour.

Well, you could dye them.

Get local school children to draw on them, Adrian.

Like you've broken your arm.

Yeah, like a little

collage of what makes your community great.

They don't lend themselves that.

I mean, what they need, they really need drawing on is sort of hairs and stuff just to make them look more realistic, like it's my actual legs.

Or lightning.

Adrian, this is your money-making

great idea on Dragon's Den with colourful compression socks.

Yes.

You know, for those with vascular issues who like to fall around a bit, who like to wake up with a, well, maybe not a spring in their step.

That's asking too much, but certainly a smile on their face.

I'll apply.

That's something to apply myself to over the weekend.

You could do them in club colours.

You could have a West Brom colour.

The ideas are coming thick and fast.

You could write your columns on them.

You could write notes on your compression socks.

Yes, that's not a bad idea.

Okay,

I'll feel better about myself, as I always do after I've spoken to you two.

Ellis and John.

Right, it's time to read some of your emails everyone and we've got a bumper pack this week.

First off it's from Barry on the subject of John Wynns again.

Hello Boyos.

Very quickly do people say Boyo in Wales or is that a stereotype?

It is in my experience

I'd be interested in Welsh people's emails on this.

I have never heard anyone say it apart from in the tabloid press.

Really?

Usually when referring to Neil Kinnock.

huh interesting hello boyos very quickly i wish to refer to you to a direct quote from the bbc politics updates regarding donald trump looks like you've been political trendsetters again

see below regarding president trump's week of wins

this is from the article i'm still at the white house sitting at the bbc's desk in an extremely cold basement alongside a handful of other reporters just a few moments ago several cheerful young white house staffers popped down to hand out a six-page document on White House Letterhead entitled President Trump's Week of Wins.

Donald wins again.

Donald wins again, Dave.

But I just can't.

See, the thing with John is John does accept and acknowledge his losses.

True.

I cannot imagine Donald Trump if it was

if it was Donald wins again.

Yeah.

I just cannot imagine him acknowledging any defeats or losses.

So I didn't get the Wordle today.

It's sad.

but Wordles for losers.

I'm going to ban them.

And I won't have it here.

And I know what you're all saying.

You look at me going, you can't ban Wordle.

I just did.

I've just done it.

I signed it now.

That is.

This is an enormous compliment for me.

That's 80% as good as Matt Ford.

Yeah,

all of my impressions are 80%.

Fordy's one.

Fordy's Trump is off the scale.

Yeah, dude.

As is his,

reform MP from Nottingham.

Yes.

Ah, what's his name?

Lea Anderson.

Lea Anderson.

His Leanderson is very good.

The story goes on.

The document is essentially an extremely long list of news items the White House sees as being positive with subcret categories, including making America wealthy again, securing the border, and cutting wasteful spending and saving taxpayer dollars.

These lists are sent out via email with some frequency, but this is the first time I've actually been handed a hard copy, despite being here four or five days a week.

Keep up the good work, Barry.

So, yes, Donald Trump is a listener, and he's taken on board one element of the John Wins Again framework.

As in, what do you mean?

Where he's only counting the wins.

Oh, I see what you mean.

He's not counting the losses.

Yeah.

He seems sad today.

It's difficult to acknowledge losses as a politician.

Because you get accused of the people who are not.

Yeah, but I think people appreciate it.

Yes.

It's difficult to acknowledge changes of mind.

Yes.

Which is actually something I value in a person is when they change their view based on factors.

Yeah, I would agree with that.

But unfortunately, that is seen as a weakness in politics.

Yeah, it is a shame because I think I would grow to like a politician more if he was like, hold my hands up, guys.

I read an article about that online and I was wrong.

And

I would also value it if the opposition party of whatever colour went, do you know what, that's a great idea.

Yes.

Because the point of parliament

is to make life better for people in this country and in the world, not to just oppose what the other party is putting across as a matter of principle.

That does happen a bit more in Europe.

It does.

Does it?

In, for example,

coalition governments.

Yes,

we have a very conflict-based

kind of politics in the UK.

Actually, if the Prime Minister was like, Yes, sorry, I just

read a book about it.

It was mad, this book, but yeah, I was wrong, so I've changed my mind.

Well, someone tweeted to me.

I got it wrong.

I read a comment on a Facebook page that absolutely blew my mind.

This person was a teacher, they're dead, dead clever.

This is from Gary.

Do you remember?

I said I wanted to be just left in a wood when I died.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes, or in one of those mushroom burials.

Yeah, how was the show?

Well, it was all right.

John said he must be left in a wood when he dies.

But I do.

He's fine.

Well, I think that makes the most sense, but it would be harrowing for dog walkers.

I want to be blown into space.

Yeah, let's be blown into space.

In a space rocket.

This is from Gary.

In case John is still looking for environmentally sound ways to return to the Earth, none of them are much quicker than Tibetan sky burial.

Let's just say it's a fairly quick and low-intervention method of returning people to Mother Nature.

No doubt it would score highly in terms of efficiency.

I believe it's a Buddhist end-of-life practice used in the Himalayas where the soil is too cold and hard to bury people.

And according to Wikipedia, sky burial is a funeral practice in which human corpses are placed on mountaintops to decompose whilst exponent to the elements or to be eaten by scavenging animals, especially vultures, bears and jackals.

The Tibetans call it giving alms to the birds or to carry to the mountain, which is similar to the pillars of death in the Zoroastrian faith where bodies are placed on pillars to be eaten by vultures.

and the families go and watch it happen.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Have you heard of Turning of the Bones?

The Turning of the Bones, a Madagascar.

What's this podcast turned into?

What's the Turning of the Bones day?

I think you'll like this, John.

Yeah, I think you'll like this.

It's called Famadiana or Turning of the Bones.

The reason I know all this is we did a documentary on it for Audio Always about five years ago.

Yeah.

And it's a tradition where family members exhume the remains of their deceased every seven years.

Oh, yes.

I have seen that.

Rewrap them in fresh shrouds, celebrate with music, have a dance with them,

have a bit of a party, and then they kind of rebury them again,

put them back where they were, and then they unwrap them.

Dress them in modern clothes.

Yeah.

I'm not sure about that for me personally.

So it's like you've got another one day within like seven years?

Yeah, but what if you haven't got any family left?

No, if no one's digging up your bones,

I'm not exhuming you.

No, no, and I wouldn't expect you to.

No.

I won't.

Well, imagine when it's all that's left is a bones and a Freddy Mercury jacket.

Well, that's what happens.

Well, no, I would have also, someone DM'd me to mention this new thing, which has yet to be approved in the UK, but it makes perfect sense.

It's where you're basically composted.

It takes about three to four months.

They cover your body, they take out any fillings and like fake joints, and they cover your body with wood chip and straw, and you compost down into a soil, and then you come as soil,

which could be spread in a garden or in a glen or a glade or a field.

Is this organic?

Yeah, big time.

Yeah, but isn't that better than ash?

Why is that legal?

But ash is legal, which uses loads of, puts loads of carbon in the atmosphere.

Yeah.

So I want it to be soil

when I'm dead, Dave.

I'm quite sad now.

Why?

It's good, Richard.

I know it is.

I know it is.

Dave, we're in a cycle of birth and death.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You remind me of George Harrison sometimes.

Thank you.

Because he, like, he would say to Eric Idol, you can have all the money you want, but we're all going to die.

Yeah.

And he was very, very zen about

the meaning of life, for instance.

And John, he's either complaining about Wordle or talking about how life is a cycle.

There's sort of nothing in between.

Well, obviously, my great concern is that I will die before Wordle is completed.

So I've probably got about three years to get through.

Just so I get full sight of that.

Of course.

You never know, something unexpected could happen.

Someone left their body to science.

Oh.

What happens once the scientists have fiddled with it?

I'll tell you, this is from Diane.

Hello, my lovely content warriors.

Diane here from Stains, longtime listener and intermittent emailer.

I was listening to your show on Tuesday, 22nd of July, when John led the musings into what might happen to your earthly remains when that sad time comes around.

I thought you might like to hear about a couple of amusing details that occurred when my lovely husband Harry died a few years ago.

He made arrangements in advance, which you have to do, with a major London teaching hospital to leave his body for the scientists to, in his words, play with.

When the sad time came, I was asked by the hospital if, basically, I wanted the bits back when they'd finished, or if I wanted them to dispose of him.

Not the most empathetic or tactful phrasing.

Being rather upset...

He can't have said that.

I think so.

Wow, that is not very diplomatic, is it?

Being rather upset at the time and not realising this was a question that would be posed, I opted to have him back, not liking the idea of his earthly remains going up into some industrial incinerator.

When they had, quote, finished with him, I opted for a very low-key funeral with just immediate family.

So even

so, the funeral director's bill was quite substantial, but they were keen to point out that due to his bodily donation, he would qualify for a free coffin.

Oh.

This would have amused and appealed to my husband greatly, and and I think would count as a win for John wins again.

What would have really peed Harry off, though, was the fact that the journey for his coffin from Guy's Hospital to the Undertakers attracted a 25 bill for the congestion charge.

No, please carry on making me laugh, Diane.

We'll endeavour to, Diane.

Uh, thank you for sharing that.

You'd think they'd cover that.

Well, you never know.

I mean, it's a costly business, Death.

It is big time,

but John will become compost, so uh,

it is.

It is, but it's also sad.

It's really bleak.

Yeah.

I'm on two hours sleep here.

I can't be talking.

What a legacy John will leave.

What a Freddie Mercury jacket in the woods.

The Freddie Mercury jacket, the Edinburgh Comedy Award win, years of great content.

As long as there's a Wikipedia, there will be a Robbins.

Yes.

But please do keep...

donating to Wikipedia because it's all I've got.

It's not.

Your legacy.

Your legacy's all over the internet, John.

It's on BBC Sounds.

You couldn't disappear now.

Oh, God, that's quite sad, isn't it?

What if I want to disappear?

But I mean, there will always be evidence of John.

There will always be a paper trail, a digital footprint.

I mean, you could run away.

I could run away

if you wanted to.

It'd be a bit weird, but it would be weird.

Yeah, yeah.

We should,

because we record this on Friday.

It's going out on Friday.

England are in the Euros final on Sunday, of course.

Yes, and we've been chatting to Maisie Adam each week.

Of course.

As she's been giving us the lowdown on what's going on in Switzerland, she couldn't make it today because she's on the movie.

You're doing your best to sound like we haven't been talking about death for 10 minutes, Dave.

We're just going to stop.

Do you know what this needs?

Does a hard edit, we'll nip out the last 15 minutes.

Do you know what this needs?

This needs an Adrian Child's-esque Hanbrick turn.

He is the king of the gear change.

He is

going from the the bleakest content to talking to us about, you know, West Brom kits.

All right, then.

What I want to ask you today is if you had to have a mixture of two different crisps in the same package, what would they be, Ellis?

Am I me or Adrian?

You're you.

I'm me.

That's why I call you Ellis.

Yes.

I would like smoky bacon

and some sort of flaming hot kind of crisp.

In the same package?

Yes, yes.

All right.

What about you, Dave?

I'd have a cheese and onion.

Oh, right.

And paprika.

Oh, cheese and paprika.

Yes.

I'd have skempy fries and salt and vinegar disguise.

And I'd scrunch them all up.

Yeah.

And I've got a nice pint and a pork pie.

Big bowl of piccoli.

I'd drink a lazy light soup.

Oh, yeah.

And then he'll go from that to NHS waiting lists.

NHS waiting lists.

Yeah.

He's good.

Do you feel better now, Dave?

I do.

Just back to the the Euros, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

Because we are running out of time.

Yes.

Maisie's left us a lovely voice note to tease ahead to England in the final against.

Let's listen to Maisie then.

Hello, Ellis and John, coming to you via the very Gen Z medium of voice note here,

all the way from Basel, Switzerland ahead of this Sunday's grand final.

Well, we've made it.

Through hell and eyewater, we've made it.

There's been, I'd say, at least three points throughout the whole tournament where I've thought it's all over.

But thanks to the master plan of Serena Viegman, the self-bandaging of Lucy Bronze, the one working nostril but two working hands of Hannah Hampton, the hop, skip, jump penalty technique of Chloe Kelly and of course the glorious wonder kid that is Michelle Adjerman.

We're here

European Championship final against our biggest rival Spain.

I know they're incredible, I know they are but do you know what there's just there's something about this England team that just makes me think we might pull it out the bag.

Really hoping the fact that Spain had to play 120 minutes against Germany will mean they're blummin' shattered while we've had an extra day to recover and plan how on earth we're going to make sure Bon Mattie doesn't get the ball.

But honestly, regardless of the result on Sunday, what a tournament it's been, lads.

The fan vibes have been incredible, the host cities have been beautiful.

The food has made me rotund, but only on my belly.

So I sort of now have the physique of Winnie the Pooh, thanks to a diet of mainly cheese and potatoes.

Highlights of the tournament would be the Sweden shootout because of just everything it contained,

all the drama.

Low lights, probably just been the cost of basic essentials.

I spent eight quid on a water at the first game, and I'm still sleeping about it.

That's no shit.

But it's been incredible.

Loved every minute, and I can't wait for Sunday.

Prediction for the result would be:

do you know what?

It's coming home, baby.

Two ones to the lionesses in Serena, we trust.

Come on, girls.

There you go.

You heard it here first.

Eight quid for a bottle of water.

Something about water that stings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you need it to live.

Also, it's still free in the tap.

Yeah.

I think it's the ultimate insult when it's expensive water.

Because I bet Switzerland has quite good water out of the tap.

I would have thought so.

So clean.

So clean.

Their lakes are unbelievable.

Even their rivers are nice.

Good luck to England.

Scoop it up a puddle.

Good luck to England and to England playing India this weekend, which I'll be watching in my house

as my decorator paints my bedroom and he's got the best accent in the world.

What accent?

Irish.

Northern Irish, I think.

Good stuff.

It's really, really, really good.

Does he talk to himself

as he paints?

Don't know, but he leaves me lots of voice notes.

Oh, okay.

I listen to them back because I like his voice.

And you'll always have them.

I've got them forever.

If you digitise them and put them on your computer, you could listen to them

instead of Danny Champion's mother.

I could

talk about whether he can match the Faroe and Ball from a cheaper brand.

Yes.

He can.

Can he?

Yeah.

Well, then that's soothing in two different ways.

Talking about the additive he can add to it to make it condensation proof in the bathroom.

It's a nice

voice, and you've made a saving.

And you've got those messages forever.

I've got them forever.

You need to stick them on your computer.

Yeah, we'll do.

We'll do.

Great.

Well, we're done.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

It's time for coffees and a regroup, do some press-ups, some squats.

I'll do some high knees, some butt kickers,

and some

vaping.

And we didn't mention the British Podcast Awards.

Oh, my blushes, Dave.

Oh, yeah.

A couple of noms, couple of hashtag noms.

A huge snub for the trauma podcast industry.

Were you eligible, though?

Yeah, but we're very zen about it.

We are.

You should do a podcast about it.

I messaged John.

I said they've clearly gone for a more theme-based approach for the judging this year.

And I said, quite specific.

And I said, good, and I'm glad.

And I hope everyone thrives.

Have any trauma pods been nominated?

Yeah, a few.

Okay.

But focus.

Which ones?

Because I listened to those.

Focus on the wins slash noms here, John.

John should have put it on the win list, Dave.

You should have put it on the win list.

Well, the group wins.

It's a team effort, mainly.

Mainly.

It's mainly a team effort this show.

Yeah,

it's not the John and Others show.

I'm going so far as to say it's mainly a production effort, actually.

A lot of time and effort goes into bringing together an award.

A question.

Ellis.

We've been nominated for Best Comedy.

Yes.

And also Best Entertainment.

Yes.

Question, Dave.

Can people still vote for us in the Listener Choice Award?

Great question, John.

Thanks, Dave.

They can.

They can, and they can go to the relative links, can't they, Dave?

Search it out on Google or Bing or whichever search engine you've altered.

Or ask AI.

Ask Jeeves.

Or ask John.

Or ask John or ask AI.

Shout it at the sky and someone will tell you.

Someone will do it.

Your next door neighbor can Google it for you.

Ask to borrow someone's phone.

Anyway, all good on the awards front, I'd say.

It is.

And the awards go on the Wikipedia page.

The Wikipedia page lives on after I die.

Therefore, I'm immortal.

Your legacy is immortal, but you can still run away.

Yes.

We're back with you with the Bureau on Saturday.

Are we doing the Bureau?

Yeah.

It's every week.

Every week, John.

Well, I tend to forget now that I don't have to write a six-page mini-drama.

This is what I was trying to say, John.

It could have been a lot more.

It could have been a light lift type thing.

Okay, bye-bye.

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