#456 - Mad Foxes, Papa Podium and 40 Rhodris

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BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello, everyone.

What is it that the BBC likes from its presenters?

Is it bravery?

Of the kind Jeremy Bowen exudes when he's reporting from some of the most dangerous places in the world?

Yeah.

Is it the kind of effortless expertise that Emma Barnett displays on the Today programme?

Of course.

But what is it that unites everyone at the BBC?

People like me, Myri, Derbyshire, McGuinness.

The fact that we're the best.

Yesterday was my son's sports day, and even though he's now in year one and the sport is less beanbag-orientated, I was displaying a fierce focus on myself because of the impending dad's race.

Oh.

At 12:30 p.m., I drank my electrolytes and surveyed the competition.

In lane one, a dad in flip-flops who made a joke about running in bare feet like Zola Bud.

Zola Bud is a reference in the mid-1980s, so I did some mental maths around his probable age, and I felt my confidence surge.

In lane two, a wild card, a man wearing a t-shirt that said, you can't scare me, I've got two daughters, which told me nothing.

Which told me nothing about his sporting prowess.

In lane three, there was a bloke who'd spent the last 20 minutes looking for somewhere to charge his e-cig, but I was worried about lane 5.

An extremely athletic young man wearing new balance running gear and the running watch I bought John for giving such a moving speech at my wedding.

As I lined up, I felt my heart race.

I waved at my son who didn't wave back because he was eating a Freddo.

A horn blasted and we were off.

I felt good at 20 meters and could see that flip-flop dad was gone.

He was down.

You don't scare me, I've got two daughters.

Guy was all over the place.

An Isigman's hamstrings were an enormous issue.

But athletic man in New Balance and I were neck and neck.

This is where I found an extra gear.

I remembered that Welsh people are famed for their resilience, and even though I've never shown that resilience before, yesterday was different.

I surged through the line in first place, remembering Tim Davies' immortal words: At the BBC, we employ the best.

And if you can help me outrun a horse, I will employ you for the rest of my life.

I'm the best, John.

Here, here, here.

I'm the fastest dad in Key Stage 1.

Also, that's huge.

Not in Key Stage 2.

Let's not talk about that now.

You got Hammond.

Yeah, I've got Hammond.

But you're also dad of the decade.

Yeah.

For Olivier Rodders-Rodrigo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Adwyth away.

Adwyth away.

In the same 10-day period.

Tom Wales twice.

What?

He took his daughter to Wales away twice as well.

Yeah.

twice.

We lost an aggregate 9-1.

Yeah, that's fine though.

However,

you have now surged past what anyone thought was possible for Dad of the Decade.

Because you're

papa podium.

I'm the fastest dad.

You're the fastest dad.

That is a video that I can find with haunting speed and efficiency.

So what happened to New Balance Dad with watch attachments?

He dipped at the line.

But I was like...

Oh!

Alice glided across the line as if he's Usain Bolt.

Have you seen the video?

I've seen the

video.

So my mate is a dad at the same school as Ellis.

No way.

So he texted me yesterday.

All he said was.

Why haven't I seen this?

Because I'm showing you now.

Something's saved.

Yes, he's saving it for the podcast, John.

It's what you tell us to do every week.

Yeah, but this obviously hasn't been planned.

It has.

Oh, all right.

We're just very glad it's natural.

You're on a big screen.

It's natural planning, John.

Okay.

Okay.

oh hello that's a proper track i know it's mad oh yes ellis

that is good

use of slow-mo yeah and you're in lane one he dips at the light he dips too early

slides over and glances as he crosses the line and do you know what it really really changed the vibe on the school run today at least that's one of the best videos i've ever seen mums are flirting with me are they That's great.

Send them my way.

Ideally, if they don't want any more children and like silence.

Is it possible to ask them that before sending them away?

So yeah, you got, was this one yours?

Yeah, she's about six and this one, the older one, ten.

It's probably,

that's probably you done now, isn't it?

Two and done.

What's

how quiet's the house?

Reading some pretty stark stuff about global warming in the press.

I'm guessing this is you done?

Your footprint.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And obviously, I mean, a lot of pressure on kids at school these days, so presumably the house needs to be quite silent because of all their revision.

Yes.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Sort of oppressive silence.

Is that good?

I like it.

I don't mind it.

One woman.

Her kid isn't even in year one like my son or year five like my daughter.

I've never seen her before.

She just came up to me and said,

She just said, I had no idea.

And I said, Yeah.

It's like with someone just like Clark Kent Superman.

Yeah, she she said, I had no idea.

And I said, oh, thanks.

And then she said, um, were you in charge of Hooker Duck at the Summer Fate last year?

And I said, Yeah.

She went, Yeah, I just had no idea.

And she walked off.

Twizzling her curls.

Twizzling her curls.

Yeah.

Izzy's in trouble, but she's in Yorkshire filming a sitcom about the BB about basketball for CBBC.

Last time.

Last time in Lenten.

While the cat is away, the mouse runs really fast on video.

You're at the Cold Play concert.

You'll be on the Kiss Cam.

My mate just texted me yesterday at 3pm.

She's going, did you know Alice was rapping?

Okay, okay.

I want to find a track.

Yeah.

Is that your school track?

No.

My kids go to a state school.

They had to borrow it from a local private school.

Because the system is a good one, baby.

The problem with the system is the only running track near me that is technically free to use

is impossible to book because it's sort of it's a it's a private council council partnership, which as you know It means that there's just no website.

Yeah, yes, that's the one that I run out on a Wednesday night or the website is impossible to navigate and all the reviews say that if you try and sneak on this grumpy man from a little shed runs out telling you off

and there's lots of people in capital letters going I pay my taxes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you get that job?

How do you get the grumpy man job?

I don't know.

I'd love to see out my days as a grumpy man

guarding guarding a track making sure no one uses it and uses it and gets fit running

running on to exacerbate the obesity crisis oh yeah running on saying no no exercise this woman my nemesis tells me off every other week for using my headphones whilst i'm on the track because she says it's dangerous to use headphones on the track turns out it is quite dangerous to use the headphones on the track but i don't want to be told that most marathons have now banned in-ear headphones they have actually yeah i did know that anyway anyway good stuff why do you want to hire a truck?

Because I want to get some PBs.

Yeah, and you will.

You will.

Yeah.

Because I tried to get a PB on my run on Wednesday, and I went out too fast, got out of breath, panicked, walked.

ran again, ran too fast, panicked, walked, tried to improvise some intervals and then just walked home and felt really sad.

Oh, John.

Yeah.

Once you've walked once on your run, it's very hard to not just kind of keep stopping every now and then.

Oh, yeah.

You've got to think about where you've come from.

Thornbury.

But I mean, you're now an exerciser.

You're now a fit guy.

You were an absolute shamble.

A mess.

But the problem is, as soon as you start,

how can I say this in the most self-compassionate way?

You're right.

Next topic.

Oh, that's nice.

But as soon as you really want to say that.

As soon as you start doing anything,

you are around people who do it really well and do it more often than you.

So you can't.

Yeah, I know, but you can't help but compare yourself to other YouTubers.

I considered texting you this, but I didn't in the end.

You know, sometimes your phone will give you like a moving carousel of sort of things you were doing five years ago.

Oh, yeah.

It was when you were at your lowest ebb physically and you used to do a joke that I did find very funny.

Often if when we were doing gigs, you would take your top off in the dressing room, and then you'd push your stomach and you'd push your stomach out and say, Which gym do you train at?

Yeah, it's a good joke, Dave.

Very funny.

But I took a snap of that.

Yeah.

And you don't look like that anymore.

No, Russell Howard said I had a stomach that looks like a toad's throat.

Oh, it's nice.

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, but I but I met him from a Thai meal last week and he was much more complimentary.

Yes, was he good?

But I have a photo of the toad's throat.

Okay.

And so there's no way you'd have been able to do that then, five years ago.

No, it's very true.

No, it's very true.

You're doing this stuff all the time.

Yeah,

you've got to take the positives.

And I did finish the run and I felt good in the fourth K.

Great.

Also, speaking of fitness, I have now, as Zothwell knows, entered Generation Air Fry.

Okay.

Yeah, it's big.

Is it as good as anyone says it?

I can't be asked.

Should I be asked about an air fryer?

Huh.

Okay.

You just put everything in it.

Did Julius Caesar, Dave?

Just say yes.

Can I be asked across the rubicon?

Yeah, did he say?

Just say yes.

Can I be asked at greatness?

Did he say?

Did he say, friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears if you can be bothered or if you've got a sec?

He didn't say that, did he?

Julius Caesar must have said that.

Sorry, can I crop you for a sec?

Just stay on at the end of this call.

Yeah,

stay on at the end of a Zoom with Julius Caesar.

Yeah, did Julius Caesar sign off his emails with no worries if not?

Or whatever it is in Latin.

So, wow.

Okay.

Generation Air Fry has a new champion.

Generation Air Fry has a new pin-up boy.

Right.

And he's not going to stomach like a toad's throat.

He's got a stomach like a frog's todger.

Green.

Yes.

Slighty.

Yes.

And it can, to an extent, respirate through its skin.

I listened to a podcast about the evolution of lungs this week, so I'm quite up on that for a bit.

It's like a small oven that flits on his worktop.

Yeah.

I know.

Why do you just put those things in the oven?

It has changed the game in terms of tofu.

That's what I will say.

Okay.

There is a chewiness to the crispy tofu now that was missing before.

I've experimented quite putting lots of different things in there, like a samosa from MNS and half a red pepper.

That didn't work.

How does it work?

It just soup, it just heats the air in a box.

Yeah.

It's like an oven.

Yeah, it's like a fan oven.

Okay.

Because I have one oven.

But it's very small, so it can heat them slightly quicker, Dave.

Because the thing is.

So imagine slashing

20 to 25% of the time an oven takes.

Because when everyone else is going to air fryers about four years ago, I didn't want to ask a stupid question, but you can't fry anything in air.

You fry things in oil.

No, you can fry things in air.

Right.

Well, obviously that's what an air fryer is about.

How does it work?

Is it just...

Ultimately, do you just...

Is it just a small oven that's a bit quicker than an oven?

Yes.

Okay.

It's a hot air oven.

A hot air oven.

It's just taking up more worktop space as well.

That is a problem.

Yeah.

I've got a problem now in that my worktop no longer fits everything where I want it to be.

So every time I use anything, I have to move other things.

Well, you used to have a beer fridge in your little study.

Yes, I did.

Can you air fry in a study?

No.

Okay.

No, that you can't do.

But it is meant to be, it's healthier for you, isn't it?

I'd say marginally.

Is it healthier?

How can it be healthier than oven?

Because you use less oil

than frying, but slightly more.

Well, no, it depends whether you use oil when you oven fry stuff.

It was really good if you don't want to have to wait 15 minutes for the oven to heat up.

Okay.

I haven't tried chippies yet.

I was going to say.

I heard it's a game changer for chippies.

Interesting.

Oven chips.

Yeah.

Right.

But the cubed tofu was out of this world.

Okay.

Yeah.

And it was already in the world, but in a good way.

So I already enjoyed it.

So it's got in a rocket.

Now it's got in a rocket.

It's in space.

It's chewy.

It's crispy.

I'll wait more updates.

Okay, well, John wins again next week.

So let's see.

Yeah, big time, big time, big time.

And that's all I've done.

Well, just bought an airflighter.

Pretty much.

And talk to people about their trauma.

Yeah.

Bought an air fryer.

You've monetized trauma and you've spent it on an air fryer.

Talk to two people about trauma.

Good.

Let's come reconnect.

Let's come.

Alice is.

Is it chomping at the bit or champing at the bit?

Chomping.

Did you know it's shoe-in S-H-O-O?

I do.

Yeah.

I do.

Because I think I texted you, shoe in, the other day, didn't I?

Is that how you found out?

Have I taught you something?

Have I educated you, John?

Well, I changed it in my book, and the editor went, I didn't realize it was shoe-in, I've just looked it up.

Fascinating, the editor's saying that that's a worry.

Well, it's interesting, shoe-in, Dave.

Who thinks you think it's putting something in your shoe?

Yeah, it's not.

What does it, yeah, it's to do with horses being a favorite.

A shoe-in is a sort of um, a horse that's definitely going to win a race, I think.

Oh, right, nice.

Oh, god, right.

Are we ready to connect?

It's time to see if Ellis James can write his name in the Cymru Connection history books.

Can he be the first person to achieve five connections in a row in a game that only he plays?

It's the Quinn Connect.

It's time to find out in the Cymru Connection.

It's another Cymru connection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do no.

We've never met

at all.

Now, before we begin this week's Cymru connection,

can I pay Ellis a compliment, Dave?

Yes.

Based on another Cymru connection.

Because on my drive to Cambridge yesterday, I listened to two two blissful hours of Ellis James and Robin Allander discussing Gorky's zygotic monkey.

Oh, did you?

It was, and I've not been touched really by Gorky's in the way that you two have.

So I'm not a huge, like,

they're not part of my emotional landscape.

But it was such a...

Such an interesting and moving conversation between two men who love the same band,

who are the same age, who it means the same to.

I love Robin.

Yeah, it was really good.

I was going to hold him sometimes and say I love you to his face.

But both of you talking about sort of growing up in...

Well, you talk about growing up in Carmarthen.

Robin talked about visiting Carmarthen for his holidays.

Because his grandmother was from there.

And his mum, obviously.

How Gorkies were the soundtrack, how he found them in a

Western Daily Press.

Oh, yeah, in the

Western Telegraph, and realised they were playing that day at the Isted Fod.

And you were there as well.

Yes, I was, yeah, in 1996, That was.

So, whether or not you listen to the Gorkies, if you would like to find out more about them, but just a very long-form discussion of two men talking in very moving terms about youth and music, I'd recommend this week's episode of the Allender Calendar.

Yes.

This month's, because it's a monthly podcast that the lovely Robin does.

He's.

And there's a lot of Cymru connections between you and Robin.

There are, actually.

Yeah, because his grandmother grew up in town.

I think his mum went to the the same school as my mum, actually.

And you've been to the same Gorkies gigs.

Yes.

However, here, now, Cymru, Ellis James has 60 seconds to find a connection with a fellow Welsh person.

Bjorn Borg and Wimbledon, Roger Federer and Wimbledon, Real Madrid and the Champions League, Dame Laura Kenny and Olympic Cycling, Dimitar Berbatoff and playing against Blackburn Rovers.

Can another name be added to the pantheon of great pentologists?

Ellis James and Cymru connecting.

He stands on the precipice of glory.

His name could be forever etched into the cultural landscape of Wales, a name synonymous with victory, success, history.

Today, Ellis goes for the first connecting FIFA.

Let's see if Ellis can do what's never been done before.

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello.

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be of quad connector Ellis James, hoping to cross the finish line to the Quinn Connect pantheon of heroes.

Your time starts now.

School and age?

Cavatha High School, 37.

Do you know Johnny Owen?

No, I don't.

Do you know Katie Owen?

No.

37.

Do you know my friends Brachan O'Rewan, England, from

Abervan?

No, no, I don't.

Okay, where do you live?

So I currently live near Sandrus, but we've only recently moved here from Sydney in Australia.

Okay, do you know Howell Griffiths used to and his family used to present on the BBC?

He lived in San Francisco.

No, I don't.

My friend Alad Kaus.

No.

My friend Ali Thomas.

No.

My friend Owen Evers.

No.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I work in recruitment.

Okay, um

if you went to university, where did you go?

Oh, Exeter University.

Uh do you know Rod Gilbert?

No, I don't.

I watched the people.

What did you study for

geography?

Geography, oh god.

Do you have any siblings?

I do.

What give me some details?

Sorry, I've got a brother and a sister.

Go back to Sydney, Alice.

Go back to Sydney.

Back to Sydney.

I'm afraid.

It's too late to go back to Sydney.

I'm afraid it's too late to go back to Sydney.

He got himself in a name listing.

This was old Ellis.

Yeah, that wasn't the quad connector I saw there.

That was Mr.

47%.

Yeah, we've seen it before.

Sydney, though, what would the well, Alice, what do you think the connection would be in Sydney?

Four or five of my friends emigrated to Sydney.

In the great Carmarthen brain drain.

But I named them.

Oh, there's one more.

At least one more.

It's okay, you can help Ellis out.

Oh, sorry.

It's Rodri, Rodri Davis.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Oh, no.

Roderie, you've talked about Rodri a lot, haven't you?

That's just Rodri.

I know about 40 Rodries, but I know it's Rodri.

From Franstefanuez Misma.

Went to school with my dad.

One day I sat next to him in class.

And where does he live?

Sydney.

Oh,

there it is.

Ellis, Ellis.

It's not good.

It's not good.

He's a very good musician, Audrey.

Yeah.

That's confusing because the other Rodri is a very good musician.

Okay, that's fine.

Any more, caller?

Any more connections?

Yes.

So one of the reasons I got in touch with about Cameron Connection is because my brother-in-law has been mentioned a couple of times as a connection.

My Griffith Ivan, drummer.

Oh, wow!

Who was in a band with Rodri?

Yes, it's how I know Rodri.

Yeah.

Okay, it's quite

a strong connection, I'd say.

There's a lot of.

Are there any more?

Well, because if you knew the band, then you'll know people like Minnie and I.

Oh,

I don't.

My husband, but like.

Yes.

My husband.

This is fine.

You haven't done anything wrong.

My goodness.

So you couldn't.

You're a good person who involved.

No, no, no, no, no.

So we've live in near San Rus now.

We moved here.

Sorry, sorry.

I've

got a lot of stuff.

That's a bad audio because I'm now staring into space.

I really thought you were going to get it.

Yes.

What's your name?

Sorry.

I don't actually know your name.

Kate.

No, Kate.

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate.

You are a good person and you have value, and I'm blessed that you write.

Appreciate it.

Oh, I've not spoken to Rodri for ages.

I used to sit next to him in school.

He's still making music in Australian.

I was in the the IC as well.

He is, yeah, yeah.

I went down, I went down a Merthyr alley, and I should have gone down Carmarvan Avenue.

I thought you would.

I knew you'd say Johnny Owen, but he's a bit older than me, unfortunately.

So

everyone knows him.

He's my Mertha guy.

I know.

Yeah.

Do you know my friend Dr.

Francis?

Out of curiosity.

Who's from like Mountain Ash, I think?

No, I didn't.

That's fine.

Listen, Kate, we're having fun.

I had a great time.

Kate, thank you so much for calling in.

Apologies that you don't become the first Quinn connectee.

But

Kate hasn't done anything wrong, and I like Kate.

Kate's got a lot to offer.

The only thing that's pent here is Ellis's pent-up anger.

Yeah, yeah.

What's that mean?

Well, because pent is five, isn't it?

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, good, good one.

One for the geeks.

Okay,

we'll have another Cymry connection next week.

Right then, everyone, we've taken a little break there that won't have come across, but Ellis has done a few push-ups.

He's benched 87 kilos.

I've had a cold shower.

He's had a cold shower.

He's had a hot shower.

He's had a warm shower.

Yeah, then back to cold.

Then back to cold.

Been in a sleeping bag, got back out of it.

Carried Dave round on his shoulders for a bit.

Yeah.

And now he's had his face painted like a big moth.

Yeah, that's all I need to do now is have a roast in there and I'll be fine.

Yeah.

But it's time for a made-up game.

Oh, it is, isn't it?

Just

we've got a new jingle.

I've not heard the jingle.

I hope it's not offensive.

But then sometimes Michael

messages me in the week and says, the new jingle's great.

And that makes me excited because Michael has musical.

acumen.

Do you know what we should punt out for is a gorky's jingle?

Oh, you don't.

You never really punt out.

That's a good shout.

Yeah, if anyone wants to create a psych folk revival Canterbury scene.

Oh, yeah.

Because I know a lot about the Gorkies now without actually having heard of their stuff listening to the podcast.

The jingle is from Matthew.

Hello, John and Ellis.

I'm a longtime PCD and a near retro wanner and have sent you a made-up game jingle which I thought might fit the bill.

For further Ellis and John relatability, I'm a big Queen fan fan and used to be in the fan club.

Are you still in the fan club, John?

No, no.

Is there still Queen?

Yeah, longest running fan club in the world, as we discussed.

Yeah.

Yeah, we do.

Hugely envious that John met Brian May and introduced Queen on stage.

Correct.

That is really cool.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's a thing that is there forever for you, which is quite nice.

Those things that are there forever for you.

You could summon that feeling.

Yeah, you can.

Just think, oh, I used to, I once announced Brian May on stage, and then it'll put a spring in your step.

Yeah, but then I just go back to feeling overwhelmed.

I am also Welsh from Newport.

Oh, hello.

And back in the day, whilst.

Which one?

There are two.

There's two Newports.

There's one in Shropshire.

And there's three.

There's one in Shropshire on the border or near the border.

There's one in Gwent, which is the big Gwen that everyone thinks of.

The goldy-looking chain, Newport County Wen.

Yeah.

And then there's Newport in Pembrokeshire, Trevor Night, which is where I got married.

Nice.

And back in the day, whilst in bands, played Clubby for back.

And the legendary TJs.

Do you know TJs?

TJs?

Yes, where Kurt Cobain met Courtney Love for the first time or asked her to marry him, I think.

What TJ's

good facts.

Yes.

That's very cool.

What were they doing out there?

I think Nirvana played TJ's, but TJ's is...

It's like CBGB's or something.

It's a legendary club.

Hang on.

Go on, I need this fact.

I like facts like this.

Well, whilst you find that, but I'll continue reading.

But since then, I've put out solo music under the name The brigadier lovely it's famously rumoured that cobaine proposed to love at tj's during the whole gig in 1991 oh the venue which closed in 2010 i'd forgotten it had closed was a hub for alternative music in the 1990s and even dubbed the new seattle i think it was the new york times called nukebought the new seattle because they were sent to cover the esteath vod i think and went to the wrong place and ended up in tj's and there were loads of great bands in who put up the time 60 foot dollars probably being the most famous and all these bands were are on.

They were like, oh my god, this is where it's happening.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Tejas.

I mean, the purple obviously was great, but TJ's was the place.

Yeah.

Anyway, love the show.

Says Matt.

Thank you, Matt.

Let's hear this week's Made Up Games jingle.

Made-up games,

John Robinson, Donnie's Jill.

David is the mastermind

survey.

Made up games,

Wow, there's a lot going on there.

Yeah, because it's a bit Beach Boys-y.

Well, I got in order, Beach Boys,

Elton John, Brian May, Cass McCoombs,

a little bit of The Birds, but it's got an indie jangle.

12-string jangle.

A bit Shins.

A bit C86.

There's a lot going on there.

It's good stuff.

How long does that take?

I think

how did Matt spend on that?

Matt's clearly good.

You know, he's still writing music under the name The Brigadier.

So

he's.

What's the word I'm sure?

He's good.

The funny thing with people who are very good is they do stuff that everyone else finds difficult very quickly.

So my friend, the lovely Rod Rodri,

who's friends with The Lovely Robin, he's a great musician.

And once Izzy and I were asked to

make, we were asked to perform at a Eurovision night that was being put on by Time Out magazine.

And you said no?

And we said, and Izzy said yes, and wrote me into it.

That's not your scene.

Not at all.

We only just started going out.

So I was.

You thought you'd pretend you're a completely different person?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah.

And she saw right through it, right?

But we needed someone to record the music.

And Rodri did it in about an hour.

And it was great.

And you just think, well, that would have taken me weeks.

Why don't Wales have their own entry to Eurovision?

Yeah, it's like the Olympics, isn't it?

It's Team GB when it comes to Eurovision, which is...

That's a shame.

It is a shame.

Land of song.

I mean, we've got our own sort of internal version of Eurovision called Carney Gumbry,

Song for Wales, which has got a cash prize.

Oh, wow.

How much?

It used to be 10 grand, but I don't know what it is now.

I don't know what it is now.

But a friend of mine, I remember a friend of mine entered when it was a 10 grand prize years ago, so I'm assuming that it's gone up with inflation.

So it's a bit like the Mercury music prize.

No, because it's a televised night and everyone performs the song that they've written, especially for you.

And I think it's a VUA vote, an audience vote from what I remember.

Wow.

But no, we don't have representation at Eurovision.

Should we play the game?

Because every week we do play a game, don't we?

That's made up by a listener.

Scores on the doors.

John's victory in Ellis's favourite game, Date Me, took John's lead to 40-15.

One love up.

Did out on Date Me that I got four out of five dates right, and John got one out of five, but he was better at doing educated guesses, so he won the game, which I think is a good system.

Fine, I'm sure it all worked.

I'm sure it all came out in the wash.

I don't know what that means.

One of the up in games in the second set.

This game comes in from Chantal in Frooum.

Oh, lovely Froome, where Paul McCartney did his warm-up shows.

Yes.

At the Cheese and Grain.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where I performed once on tour.

Did you?

Hmm.

Also, Blur did their warm-ups though, didn't they?

Did they?

I don't know.

Yeah, I think quite a few passed through on the way to Glastow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's been a lovely blast from the past lately, hearing some particularly...

Is it egregious?

Egregious.

Egregious.

Hearing some particularly egregious case of wackaging that to this day continues to blight UK PLC.

So here's a wacky packaging game for you that I'm calling...

What's that wacky package?

You've been smoking the wacky package.

Here's a lovely precursor to a game of a lot of nonsensical stuff.

Dave will read you a series of wackaging statements and it's your task to guess what on earth the product is behind such nonsense.

Oh good game.

I'm surprised we've not played it but I don't think we have.

If you get the product in one statement you get three points.

Two statements two.

Three statements one point similar to the I think it was the Glastow review game we did a few weeks ago.

If your guess is wrong then you're frozen out for the next statement.

Okay.

Okay.

Your name's your buzzers.

Now, this is important.

We're not looking for brands, just the type, the broad type of product, all right?

Oh, okay could i just say that's food wackaging

or would it have to be the

more you'd yeah that's that's the broader that's the broader park i'd say that was my tactic

if neither of you get the answer after three statements then the closest guess at the end gets the points there's going to be a bit of vibe here i think we should write it down our answers as opposed to buzzers

for buzzers

But the names for buzzers gives us the jeopardy of people being frozen out and actually then trying to be a bit daring if you think you know from the off.

I should think it should add to it a little bit.

Some of the warning, some of these are mad, okay.

Uh, but they're all real, they're all real, they're all real stuff.

Let's go for round one,

uh, section one.

Our proprietary

first murdering process begins with blank forming a rope of veins that will wrap around your first's head and strangle it.

Once blank reaches your first's brain, all of your first's thirst's memories will be replaced.

Cider.

Not cider.

Will be replaced with repeating loops of its own

head imploding.

So, John, this is all yours.

And Alice is frozen out for the next one as well.

This is all yours.

So you can listen to this and enjoy.

Yeah,

because you can get frozen out from there.

You know the rules, Alice.

Can you read it again?

It's actually quite hard to follow.

Our proprietary thirst murdering process begins with with blank.

Why do you sign that off?

Well, the thing is, I can say it's a drink.

Yeah, you can, but I mean, it's too vague.

It is too vague.

Just about.

Right.

Just about.

Our proprietary thirst murdering process begins with blank, forming a rope of veins that will wrap around your thirst's head and strangle it.

But veins don't strangle things.

No.

It's a good point.

Who signed it off again?

Our blank reaches your thirst's brain.

All of your thirst's memories will be replaced with repeating loops of its own own head imploding.

Well, but that doesn't mean it doesn't say it cures your thirst.

It says it explodes your thirst's memory.

I've been on the website.

That is verbatim.

That is good.

Anyway, next bit, John, this is all yours.

Yeah, thank you.

Which is exactly what happens next by causing your thirst's head to implode.

It's like the sort of the pitch of a sort of homemade horror film from the early 80s.

But it's

so out of kilter And then they go up to the zombie and then they grab his head and it explodes and there's blood goes everywhere and then another zombie comes in and all the veins come out and strangle him.

How many killings?

Yeah.

Which is what exactly happens next by it causing your thirst head to implode and its brain to squirt out of its ears.

But there's no clues here as to what

comes.

I know, here comes some clues, all right?

Blank has been a source of hydration since the dawn of time, but not quite like this.

Once your thirst has been murdered.

Oh, I know exactly what.

The soul of your thirst will begin to escape and float towards the sea.

I know exactly what this is because I read an article about this.

Did you?

This is the canned water that comes...

It's called Murder Your Thirst.

Yes.

And it's got death.

It's got something.

It's called like ultimate death.

And the reason it didn't land in the UK.

So they've withdrawn from the UK is because it's very confusing because it looks like an energy drink.

Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

And it it looks like beer.

It looks like a craft beer and it's six, it's four quid for six cans of water.

Well I thought it was the most hardcore energy drink on the market so it always avoided it.

Didn't realise it.

It's water.

It's canned water.

It's called ultimate death or death proof or

ultimate murder death.

Yeah, one of them.

It's water.

Yeah, and what's the name of the brand?

It's Liquid Death.

Liquid Death.

I used to see people drinking it at festivals and I used to think they are mad.

Yeah.

Until I realised that they were just hydrating.

Yeah, but we've all

we've all got to promote our products in a unique and memorable way.

Absolutely.

Absolutely, but it's interesting why it didn't.

It's very successful in America, but they've withdrawn from the UK, Dave.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'd like to read you the third one for a bit of fun.

See, I got frozen.

How am I allowed back in for you?

You would be now.

If John hadn't got it right, you'd be allowed back in.

You get frozen out of the main.

And then you get frozen out of the next one.

Do you reckon I would have got water for the second time around?

You would, but

you're being daring and brave, may I I say, Alice, by buzzing in so early into the first segment.

Okay, it just sounded like a crazy, very sounded like absinthe or something.

I don't think you would be allowed to say that alcohol quenches your thirst.

That's a good point.

Anymore.

Used to be able to say that.

So you got to.

You could almost be so graphic with this because it's just water.

Exactly, yeah.

The third one.

At this point, drink a sip of blank to rip its soul down and force it to begin gluing its own body parts together so that it can crawl back inside you and eventually grow into a fully formed thirst once again.

Just remind listeners, we're talking about water.

Maybe, right?

Maybe I'm boring and maybe I'm...

Maybe water's boring.

Well, maybe I am not representative.

But I'm thirsty and I want some water.

I just want it to be water.

Yeah.

I don't want to think that I'm having an out-of-body experience where veins are being wrapped around my head to explode my thirst.

I really just want it to be basic water.

I don't want it to taste of anything.

I don't want it to be sparkling.

I just want it to be water.

You also don't want it to be two quid a can.

Of course not.

So, but you know, what do I know?

What do you know?

It's 2-0 to John because you got it in the second Segas.

Got it in the second Segas.

Brave, John.

They finish off by saying, from the Springs of Virginia, blank is the original life giver, but to thirst, it's a killer.

Right.

Round two.

What's this one?

I'm going to be less brave.

Yeah, because

this is a a tricky game.

I think it's tricky until you get into the second, third kind of

segments.

All right, then I want to be brave.

But no, but hey, if you think you know it, go for it.

Again, this is a type of product, okay?

We don't need brands or anything too specific.

It's a type of something.

In a world so painfully serious, yet so ridiculous, it was only a matter of time before blank became a thing.

At last, here it is: the crown jewel, the inter-dimensional vessel of conscience-free culinary pleasure, a symbol of protein and sustenance.

the blank, like you've never seen it before.

Okay.

Well, I mean, I think we can all guess,

but I'm

going to withdraw my brain.

Say it again, Dave.

In a world so serious, yet so ridiculous, it was only a matter of time before blank became a thing.

At last, here it is, the crown jewel, the interdimensional vessel of conscience-free culinary pleasure, a symbol of protein and sustenance, the blank, like you've never seen it before.

I'm not sure you do know.

I think that's just quite a tricky start.

I think I know what it is.

Do you?

But I'm not going to be brave.

Why don't you be a brave little soldier?

Alright, fine.

Is it some s- No, I'll just get...

Okay, but you can buzz in it.

Whenever you think you know, during the second segment, get in there quick.

Okay.

Are you ready for part two?

Yeah.

We know it's weird.

I mean, to achieve its supple meaty texture,

John's here.

It's fake meat.

Yeah, yes.

I'd like you to be a little bit more specific, I think, with what type of meat it might be, because there are clues coming up which would start to give you a little bit more...

And I'm going to give you an opportunity to be a little bit more specific.

Can I not be more specific, but not get frozen out?

Can I stay in the game?

Here we go, this guy.

Well, because I'm right.

But you've also made the terms quite vague.

They are, and we made them vague deliberately because we like...

We want to get a bit closer closer just because there was a bit more of a specific edge.

Okay.

I'm going to let you stay in.

Thank you.

Because you'll have a paddy otherwise.

Well, no, because I'm not wrong.

He's not wrong, but I'm

incriminating myself.

I'd like him to be more right.

And I'd like you, my brave little type, to be even righter.

Okay.

We know it's weird.

I mean, to achieve its supplement sexual, we distilled an elixir of happy tears from the biggest shuttle teddy bear.

Turn it yourself off off.

The person who wrote this has never had sex.

Or has forgotten it.

I think they might have sex with themselves a lot.

For the marbling, we still have to do it.

Joe John's in and he's got it.

Fake steak.

It's fake steak.

It's plant-based steaks.

It's plant-based steaks.

I haven't given in that.

It was the marbling.

I was waiting for the marbling.

It was there, Rat.

What did you think it was?

I thought it was the Beyond Meat burgers, actually.

Would I have given him that?

I don't think I could.

No.

They're not marbles.

They're not marbled steak.

Or is it are they beyond meat the name?

I can't remember.

But vegan burgers was what I thought was from the off.

For the marbling, we studied the goat,

Michelangelo, while traveling to space in Jeff's pee-pee rocket to observe theoji marbles.

Talking about Earth.

What are you talking about?

I'd like to walk into the office and tell everyone off.

Yeah.

I would just say all of you in the office now.

What do you think this is?

Grow up.

Who are you talking to?

What are you talking about?

Basics, basics, fundamentals.

They probably are not going to because of the way we've talked about it.

But I would

love to meet someone who sees that kind of, you know,

advertising prose and thinks to themselves, oh, that's great.

I love that.

I'll buy whatever this is.

That aimed at people like me.

But I think,

are they not aiming for people like the terminally wacky?

Well, just who are almost so surprised and

sometimes astounded by it that it stays in your head.

They're just trying to be memorable.

They're not trying to be good.

Yeah, but the problem.

I think you might have made a good point there that they're like, this makes people feel sick.

What if we make people feel so sick that they think we know that it makes them feel sick?

Yeah, there's almost a knowing nod.

Maybe.

Knowing a nod to vomit.

So that's 4-0 to Johnny J.R.

So the most sensible thing to do is just dress these baby up.

I don't actually want to hear any more this one.

No, out of curiosity, I do.

Okay.

So really, the most sensible thing to do is just dress these babies up with a little salt and pepper.

Forget what you know about everything and just take a bite.

Take a bite.

The cows walk free.

Okay.

I quite like the last line.

That's okay.

That's a bit more normal.

It redeems itself at the end.

Great.

Round three?

Yeah.

I can't win though, can I?

You can draw.

Oh, no, you can win because you could get it in the round.

There's five rounds.

There's five rounds of these.

Oh, much like a handle though.

Can you handle five rounds?

Not really.

Go on, it's good for.

Right.

Once you step out of the tub, and if you're thinking of throwing me away, ask yourself, is it a tube?

Is it a bottle?

Is it a tin can?

No, it's recycle, man.

And you don't recycle all our packaging.

He'll track you down and recycle you.

What?

John.

Really?

Yeah, why not be brave?

Why?

There is something in there that I think could edge you towards it.

I reckon it's a bubble bath.

Or a sort of bath salt.

No, I'm not going to give you that.

I'm not going to give you that.

Okay.

And I'm going to freeze you out.

Okay.

Elis, next round's all yours.

Okay.

Their chat-up lines stink.

Phew.

Can I actually leave while I'm frozen out?

Get the noise cancellers, Michael.

Okay, their chat-up lines stink.

Phew.

But that doesn't mean you should be any less fragrant.

So before hitting the town, ouch and slapping the face.

Double ouch.

Of anyone who gets too familiar, smear yourself in this.

Fresher from head to trotters.

Deodorant.

Or sort of cologne or something.

Oh, no, I'd say John was probably closer earlier, actually.

But John, you're back in.

Ellis is frozen out.

Ellis is frozen out, so you get the final one to yourself.

So we're both frozen out this round.

No, because you're back.

You're back in.

You're back.

Round two, final round.

It'll ensure that any date getaway is at least clean with this scrub.

John.

John's in.

Skin scrub.

Yeah, it's shower gel.

Okay.

Which I think is kind of

in that world.

I think you can use it as...

I think they're interchangeable.

Well, this is a question I often ask, because often bubble bath is cheaper than shower gel.

But I'm thinking, is there a huge difference here?

I mean, I wash my kids in the bubble bath, and then sometimes just keep using the bubble bath if you've run out of the other stuff.

Anyway, I'll take the point.

You'll take the point.

Just about, I think.

But I felt like you weren't far off actually at round one, but I don't want to give you three points, but you can keep one.

Thank you.

Oh, it leaves a sour taste in the moment.

It's good fun.

I like it.

The whole thing makes me feel a bit unsettled.

They're fun to read.

Yeah.

Round four.

I'd hate to write these much if that was your job.

Attention, dead mail carrier.

Hi, how are you?

Awesome, I hope.

Anyway, I'm not sure if you remember me.

I know, right?

It's been so long.

But after being discarded and disowned in houses up and down the country in the previous century, people love me again.

That's round one.

I can't give you too much longer.

I'm going to move on.

Okay, carry on.

Okay.

Part two.

The person that ordered me is cool, discerning, and super excited.

They've been working so hard and literally can't wait to see me, feel me, hear me.

Ellis is in.

Vinyl Records.

Boom.

He's got two points on the board.

Vinyl.

What's dead?

What, vinyl in general?

Yeah.

Well, the concept of vinyl.

Yeah, there's a company who make vinyl.

Okay.

Vinyl records.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Vinyl records.

I suppose the attempts are.

Dead mail.

Is it because mail's dead?

And like, no one really posts things anymore.

What?

What's a carrier?

The post.

The post.

What's that?

Person.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's going straight to it.

It's tiring, isn't it?

It's tiring.

That is the word.

It is tiring.

This is an interesting.

The final one's a bit confusing.

You know that dude you work with?

The one that throws stuff around when no one's looking.

I don't know that.

No one knows that.

I don't know that.

Don't be that dude.

I know, you know.

But just a reminder, I'm incredibly fragile.

You can't bend me.

You can't leave me in direct sunlight.

Even the slightest toss can totally ruin everything.

Thanks for listening.

You're the best.

Love.

It is like a message to the Royal Mail.

Is this vinyl again?

This is the new vinyl.

Oh, it's still vinyl.

So you're saying to the people who work at the Royal Mail, this is a fragile package.

Don't check it out.

It's fragile.

Yes.

Well,

yes, maybe.

As if someone who's like got to make 300 post-stops is going to read that crap.

Yeah.

It's like a merchandising place.

Right.

Ellis, you need to get

three here to draw.

So do you know what you know, you know what you did to do?

Oh, I've got points on the board, so I'm quite happy.

No, do you know what you need to be?

Brave.

Brave.

All right, then.

Otherwise, you lose.

What's Welsh for brave?

Dower.

Dower.

You lose the game, but more importantly, you lose my respect.

And

the actual game of.

And the game games, it's 40-15.

Yeah, Eni.

Never said that game before.

This one's a tricky little number, but good luck.

If you're seriously concerned about calorie count, just step away from me.

Otherwise, I'm sweet for you.

Contains wheat, sorry, milk, sorry,

eggs, sorry, and soy, sorry.

This is like Nigel Farage's new cereal.

May contain traces of nuts.

Sorry.

with all the R's and Y's spread out.

It's anti-woke-up cereal.

That's section one.

If you're seriously concerned about calorie count, just step away from me.

Then it's got wheat, milk, eggs, and soy and may contain traces of nuts.

Soy as in the sauce or as in sir.

Soy as in the sauce.

Okay.

So it's got soy sauce in it and milk.

That's what soy.

I can't think of it.

Why would they be sorry about having soy in it?

I know.

No, they're just sorry about everything because they're talking to the person that is seriously concerned about calorie counts.

So they're almost apologising for being so

healthy.

So taste

so tolerant.

I'm going to go to right.

I'm going to go to...

Well, Alice needs to have a guess here.

Japanese donuts.

No.

Two.

Alice is frozen out, yeah.

So I can't win anyway.

Lesbian.

Brave little boy.

Okay.

Ingredients.

They're really going in on the ingredient front.

Brown cane sugar, which is S-U-G-A.

Nope.

Cane sugar.

S-U-G-A.

Nope.

And an S ton of butter,

B-U-T-T-A-H.

Oh, my God.

I bet they actually have to list the ingredients.

There must be legal

name.

That's very funny.

They will have to also do it properly.

And then they finish this bit by telling list.

I said B-U-D-T-E-R.

And S-U-G-E A-R.

They finished this segment by

saying, it's just the way I crumble, man.

Cookies.

It's cookies.

He's in.

He's got it.

Soy cookies.

Will you text me the company so I never buy anything from them, Dave?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

It's 7-2 to John, and a game that was a challenge to get through, but not because it wasn't great, just because

it enters areas that is all quite cringe-worthy.

It's made me quite tired.

In a matter of way, I'm quite glad I'm bad at that game.

Says a lot about John, though, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's Mr.

Wackaji.

He's written a few of those.

Great.

This made John yawn that game.

John looks John looks absolutely.

Backs under his eyes have doubled in the space of one made-up game about Wackaji.

Absolutely hit a wall.

That's crazy.

Should we wake ourselves up with a man's studs?

Let's do it.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods.

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopies.

He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of shot onto the timber and strike a match.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

That's

mad.

Yes, we love your tales of mad dads, and also we've had some mad mums in recently.

So do keep them coming with regards either of your parents or even grandparents or Or guardians.

Or a fox.

Fox.

Mad foxes.

Okay,

this is

from M.

Hello, you.

I went home from university for Christmas, my second year, and came home to find, as per, a myriad of my dad's new projects in the pipeline.

I was not surprised at the sight of chipboard in the house, as half our house is filled with such decoration, power tools, forest school stuff, bike frames, and furniture that's either too big or too small for the place.

What catches my eye is some brand new looking chipboard construction in front of the sofa in the living room.

Swanky, I think, as most of the chipboards I've seen lying around have origins from a skip.

Naturally, I sit down for a cup of tea and a catch-up with my old man.

I start by asking Dad what he's making, why he has all this fancy chipboard.

He cheerly tells me as though it was the most normal thing in the world

that he's building his own coffin

here in the family living room.

I now understand why there's a scraggly cut out of his six foot two inch self on the far wall for proper dimensional construction.

Like a crime scene.

Yeah.

Overlooking the room.

We have our tea on the sofa, and both mum and dad use this perspective immortal death chamber as their coffee table.

Oh my word.

That's a great detail.

But of course, with coasters.

Who wants to be laid to rest for eternity in a coffin complete with mug rings?

Not my dad.

That's who.

That's classic 80s sitcom material.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

I asked dad why.

Why would he want to build his own coffin?

Has he had any bad news from the doctors?

Bluntly, he says he doesn't want to financially burden us with any of that silk-lined, expensive Tupperware that won't break down.

Merry Christmas!

I mean, it finishes on a very

sensible point.

Coffins are very, very expensive.

Coffins are very expensive, yeah.

Yeah, and I've been thinking a lot about how I want my body to return to the earth in death.

Okay.

So you've got to be in one of those sort of mushroom suits.

You get buried in like this sort of...

It looks like a

cotton gown, but it's full of fungus.

Oh, great.

But then I want to be in a specific place where I don't think I would have permission to be buried.

So I think you can get liquefied.

Can you?

Yeah, I think you get turned into a liquid.

Um, so I would like to be turned into a liquid and then out come the super soakers, and then the super soakers

and then poured in a specific area.

What's that?

Yeah, okay.

What's this?

No, you don't want to tell us what the specific areas are.

Do you want to tell me what the specific area?

Well, I will eventually tell you because you can be one of the poor, the liquid bearers.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Yeah, just walking uh through the church with like sort of a super soaker full of John's liquid.

Yeah, down it

down it at the wick.

I enjoy listening to the Perview Big Ring.

Thanks for menu.

Suppressed giggle in the street and Odd Cafe M.

That's huge for me.

That's great.

The fact they use the coffin as a coffee table is superb with costas because they don't want the mud rings.

It's good, it's good because we're going to have to start burying people at least vertically

for space.

I wonder what the ratio is of people being buried to cremated in 2025.

I think it's much higher cremated.

Gotta be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I don't want to be cremated.

Why not?

Because I'm suspicious that actually it's just the ash from the coffin.

Also, it's not a very environmentally friendly process.

Okay.

But I also don't want to be buried in like a

coffin with screws and handles in it.

I feel quite strongly that I don't want to pollute the earth on my death.

Okay, just fire into the dark.

So dream, well, what I would actually like is just to be left in a wood and eaten by animals.

But I don't think you're allowed to do that.

But that makes the most sense.

It doesn't, though, does it?

It doesn't.

It doesn't, though.

But that would be nice.

Not for anyone else.

Well, not for a dog walker, no.

It would be horrific.

Imagine.

You'd have to have a cordoned off big wood that people weren't allowed to enter.

And then people would walk past it.

People who are new to the area and say, what's that?

And then a local up to say, do you ever listen to BBC Sounds?

Which, you know, in America.

Maybe in the UK, you can leave your body to science, but the science it's left to is a place in which bodies are left in the natural environment to to track and record how they decompose for investigating murders.

Oh.

So you will say a certain larvae like hatches under the skin at this many months left in this humidity.

So when bodies are found, they're able to say how long it's been there.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mind that, for example.

Yeah, you could leave your body to science, let some 19-year-old medical students carve you up.

No, I want it to return to the earth.

All right, then.

Okay.

So unless they carved me up and hid me in their trousers, like in the Great Escape.

Down the trousers and then just sort of kicked me around in the yard.

Yeah.

Anyway, well, I'm sure science will come up with some solution.

Hannah and I were talking about leaving bodies to science because I'm going to leave my body to science.

Are you?

Yeah.

Because

I've got an industry-leading immune system.

Have you?

Yeah.

It impresses Hannah a lot.

Has science expressed an interest in researching you?

No, but Hannah's said you need use this is useful because the amount of bugs that I swerve at home, she says you are made of something different.

And I agree.

You should contact someone while you're still alive so they can take blood samples and stuff.

It feels like I'm going to be alive forever.

So okay, that's a fair point.

I've got time.

You are well put together.

Well, obviously I say this, this is all half in jest.

The amount of stuff that I've swerved over the past five years, having three young kids and a wife that goes to a secondary school,

nothing's, I mean, touch wood, touch, because something will now obviously get a bug or something, but maybe you're the carrier, Dave.

Maybe you're infecting them and you're asymptomatic.

Yeah, maybe.

I was thinking about how I never get ill and then I realized I don't live with anyone.

Yeah.

So I'm sort of essentially panetically sealed forever.

When the kids are ill, I'll often be ill for an hour and then it goes.

Ah, okay.

You can join me then.

That seems pretty impressively.

Tested.

Yeah.

Very good.

Well, keep sending your made-up games and your mad dads to Ellis and John at bbc.co.uk.

We wish you all the best.

We'll see you next week.

Bye-bye.

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